Episode 1 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language.

Holy talk show! It's Friday night and it's superhero night. Chat! Anecdote! Mindless applause!

Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh!

Hello!

Yes!

Welcome, one! Welcome, all!

We're back. It's a good one, ladies and gentlemen.

We've got Batman, we've got Superman and we've got Lois Lane right here on this show.

Who here likes Batman?

CHEERING

Who here likes Superman?

CHEERING

Who here doesn't care, as long as they get their tops off? CHEERING

HE LAUGHS

Seriously, though.

Seriously, though!

Batman or Superman - it's a difficult choice, you know,

cos Batman's got the cool suit, the car, the butler,

the millions of pounds, while Superman... Yeah!

WOLF WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

He doesn't have a shirt. But I tell you, in this film, Superman really has it in for Batman.

Not sure if I can think of a rich power-crazed American businessman whose face I'd like to punch.

LAUGHTER

Hey, that's all to come -

plus music and chat from Pet Shop Boys.

So let's get those guests on.

First, is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Superman himself. Henry Cavill!

APPLAUSE

-Superman - hello, sir.

-Hey, how you doing?

-Come and sit down.

-Thank you.

Hot off the press, it's only Lois Lane.

Please welcome five-times Oscar nominee - Amy Adams, everybody!

Yay!

Hello, how are you?

-How are you?

-I'm very well. Come and sit down.

-Thank you.

And holy double Oscar winner - the Batman is here.

Welcome for the first time to the show Mr Ben Affleck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gang's all here! Welcome, one. Welcome, all.

-Are you all well?

-Yes, thank you very much.

Good, good, good.

And it's welcome back now, Amy and Henry, you were here before.

-Ben, you've never been here before.

-No, it's very intimidating.

-No, they told you - it's easy.

-They told me it was very easy, yeah.

-Nothing, really.

-It's fine.

And before we do another thing, congratulations to Amy Adams,

cos you're now a lady, married wife?

-Yeah. Officially married. We've been together a really long time but we finally got married.

-Why finally?

My daughter was really into the idea, so we said OK.

So she could be a bridesmaid, you got married!

No, that's the funny thing - she ended up not being into it at all.

She just wanted the ice cream, which I think was her plan all along.

-She'd heard about receptions.

-Yeah, exactly.

As a married lady, though - here you are, you know, in a whole heap of hotness.

-Yeah! I have a very understanding husband.

-Yeah.

-It's nice, he lets me be...the meat in this manwich, they are, so...

-Yeah!

Henry Cavill, are you the hottest man in the world right now?

WOMEN CHEER

Doesn't sound it!

No, I can tell you - actually, you're the fourth. You're the fourth.

LAUGHTER

-That's good to know.

-Ben, you were the hottest man in the world, weren't you?

-I didn't know that.

-Oh, you were.

-Now I'm going to find out I'm 86th or something.

It's worse than that. You're 99th.

-There you go!

-But you're hotter than Javier Bardem. Thank God. Yeah.

I've never even broken the top ten so you guys should feel OK.

Cos in this movie, Ben, you are in incredible shape in this film.

So what was your standing start? Cos he obviously had been Superman already.

Well, yeah, I saw him in the Superman movie before

and I was kind of...pissed me off, because I was,

"Great, now you're going to set this whole..."

I was hoping he'd be kind of normal-looking, and then...

he's the alien, I'm just a man, so I could kind of roll out of bed and...

But, no. But you know, we worked out every day and, er, I hated every minute of it.

Glad when it was over.

But was there...? There must be... Because you can't help it, when you finally get

on set together, you must be kind of like, "His arms aren't THAT big."

That was when we slept together...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Deleted scenes.

I didn't stay over!

Henry, that picture we were looking at at the top of the show there.

What...? You posted it. I didn't go looking.

YOU posted that picture.

In fairness, if I looked like that, I'd be sitting with my top off right now.

Now, you posted that on Facebook, didn't you?

Er, yes, Facebook and Instagram.

Yeah, somebody did. And, well, the comments - the comments were...

That's actually from my Facebook page!

I was going to do worse than that.

I was going to do less than that!

"Do not exceed this."

The comments on Facebook, though.

I love that people, like, bother to put these things.

"I think I just wet my panties..."

Then this next person, "I have the weirdest boner right now."

LAUGHTER

We're hoping that's a man.

I wanted to know what was weird about it!

I know! And then, this one, I just love this one.

This is just... "Holy sweet little 7-pound baby Jesus."

-What does that even mean?

-Happy Easter? I don't know.

It's very random.

Ben, there is this kind of funny club now.

There's a kind of elite group of people who have all worn the outfit.

So did you reach out to any of them?

You know, I didn't reach out to any of them.

I have talked to many of them since.

I had a really interesting encounter.

I was buying my kids...one Tuesday afternoon,

we went to a costume shop, a Halloween shop.

There was nobody in the place.

The woman proprietor didn't recognise me,

or didn't care at all that I was in the shop.

I was in there with my kids and I heard this voice say,

-IN BRITISH ACCENT:

-"Oi, is that you? Ben? Affleck? Is that you?"

I looked around - that's my British accent.

-Very good.

-Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I looked around and I saw Christian Bale.

And the first thing I thought was, "Christian Bale's British?

"He's such a good actor!" I thought...

And he was very friendly. He was buying...

He was there with his kid buying Halloween costumes too.

And apparently she didn't recognise him either.

This is quite the store!

It was...it was just a Los Angeles costume shop.

And he was very generous and kind - wonderful guy, and he said,

"Make sure they put a zipper in that suit.

"I did three movies with no zipper in my outfit."

So he gave me some very practical advice, and...

-Did you take that advice?

-I did take that advice and it proved quite useful.

Yes.

And he was very, very kind to me and very sweet and I appreciated it,

cos it would've felt awful if I thought that he was going around, going,

"Can you believe who they're putting in that Batman next?"

Um, and I ended up running into Michael Keaton and I talked to Clooney briefly -

whose advice was unrepeatable.

-And...

-What was his advice?

Just a string of epithets.

-That's George.

-OK.

-And now, Amy Adams, you're back as Lois Lane.

-Yes.

I don't mean to be rude, but on set,

you do sound like you're very annoying.

-Yes.

-That's not rude at all.

That's all right. I'm annoying off set, too.

It's like... I'm used to it so that's OK.

No, you sing a lot. That must irritate people.

Henry?

-Er...

-No!

I actually sing...

I'm not looking for an audience. It's not as though I'm like, "Everybody stand still.

"I've just worked on this number, so..." The world doesn't stop.

It's more like to myself, which...somewhere, I'm just weird.

-OK.

-But...yeah.

-It was in the trailer that you were singing.

I do sing in the trailer. No, I sing...Zack, actually -

our kids are about the same age,

so I was stuck singing a lot of Disney songs.

And he would make suggestions but they had a sign on set that

says "Days since Let It Go was sung", and it was always on zero.

I'm sorry, guys. My daughter was singing it on repeat at home.

But do you sing on every...? Like, when you're in things like The Fighter or American Hustle...

-I do.

-Really? David O Russell is cool with you singing Let It Go on set?

I sang Dream A Little Dream on that set

and I was usually in a corner by myself, like, trying to calm down.

I know, right?

I'm not really improving. You guys aren't laughing now - you're just scared!

Funny, like, "She really is the most annoying person."

"Yeah, we're never going to be in a film with her."

But actually, in the film, Amy - we see a lot of Amy Adams.

Yeah. A little bit, yeah.

-You're naked.

-Well, in a tub, with milk salts or whatever.

-Makes it cloudy.

-I thought it was lovely.

-Oh, thank you.

I was surprised... It wasn't that cloudy.

LAUGHTER

It wasn't that cloudy.

-Cos you're in the bath as well.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

We're really selling tickets here.

Can I just say, the tickets are flying out the door.

I'm completely naked in the tub!

And Wonder Woman's in the bath too!

Sorry! No, they actually put you in very unflattering modesty garments,

so there's really, it's... Yeah. There's, like, stick-on things and...

Don't they float off, like plasters in the bath?

-Yes!

-Oh, they do!

Yes, they do! I'm like, "Sorry, Henry!"

"I've got something on my back. What is it, what is it?"

They do float to the top when you're trying to do a scene and there's, like, a little Band-Aid.

"Sorry. I promise that's off my boob."

But then that doesn't sound much better either!

Yeah, cos then you'd start looking around, like, what else could it be off? I don't know!

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice -

it is out tonight.

And we've got a clip.

This is Batman v Superman, wouldn't you know it?

-You're not in it, Amy.

-That's cool.

-You're very good in the film.

-Thank you.

-But just not in this bit.

-That's all right.

-LAUGHTER

-Show the boys.

-Here we go.

HEAVY BREATHING

Stay down!

If I wanted it you'd be dead already.

Oooh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Faster than a speeding bullet.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Now, obviously, for you, Henry - you know, a young actor

looking for that big break, Superman comes along,

it's an amazing opportunity.

But Ben Affleck - busy, busy, busy.

The writing, the directing, the acting.

And to take on something like Batman,

it's quite a high-risk thing to do.

-You're telling me!

-So how did they talk you round?

Well, it was an unusual choice, definitely.

I had a number of different sort of opportunities,

and for one thing, the risk was very appealing.

It was a very compelling screenplay written by a guy named Chris Terrio,

who wrote Argo, which was a movie that I directed.

And I really liked what Henry had done

and Amy had done in Man Of Steel.

And I really liked the version of the Batman that they were doing,

which was... You know, Zack came to me and said,

"I want you to do this Batman,"

and I said, "I don't think I'm really right for this.

"You know, the young guy who's avenging his parents' death

"and goes and put on a cowl and fights super villains.

"Maybe at one time..." But he said, "No, no, no, that's not it.

"He's completely broken down.

"He's older. He's falling apart.

"He's on the verge of moral bankruptcy.

"You're perfect for it!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You talked about the risk, the high risk.

Did the studio kind of manage your expectations about that?

They did, actually. They said, "Look, we want you to know

"that these announcements now, the fans are really engaged

"and they feel a great sense of proprietorship over these choices."

And they showed me, actually, some of the reactions

to when Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker,

who of course did a magnificent job, and the reaction -

I was shocked at this internet... You know, this bile.

And they said, "This just happens.

"People, if it's not who they expect or who they want,

"they can be, you know, unpleasant."

And I said, "No, that won't... Not with me."

-LAUGHTER

-"It's going to be fine."

And the first time after the announcement went out,

I looked on the internet, and I just saw one person

and it just said, "Nooooooo!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I would have thought, Amy, because people are very -

-you know, they really care about these things...

-Sure.

..did you have to fight for Lois Lane to be a redhead?

No, I was actually prepared to dye my hair.

I thought, "For sure, they're going to colour my hair."

But Zack liked the idea that she was just who she was.

And I was a little concerned

cos I thought people would have a hard time accepting it,

and I'm sure I did not read the comments

because don't want to know.

-"Noooooo!"

-"Nooo!" I'm sure there was plenty of that.

"Gingeeeeeer!"

I know! Well, it's so funny - in the States,

if you have red hair you're, like, sassy and fiery

and ready to go, and here it's like, "You're a ginger."

LAUGHTER

I'll stay over there, OK.

And now, the voice.

-Christian Bale - he did it himself.

-Yes, he did.

But this time it's a different version.

Well, like I say, Christian's a great actor.

For me, I required electronic manipulation of the voice to do it.

We kind of thought -

we posited that he was a famous billionaire,

and so the people would recognise his real voice

and it would give away his identity,

so within the cowl is an electronic device

that changes Batman's voice for him so that he's not recognised.

So it digitally manipulates the voice. So I performed the voice

and then Zack was able to change it with a computer later on.

So I just played the part and then, you know,

when I watched the movie, the voice is different. It's electronic.

Cos we've got a mic, and I think this is set up...

IN BATMAN'S VOICE: Is this set up?

Ooh, it is! LAUGHTER

Isn't that amazing that it can do that?

BATMAN'S VOICE: Isn't it amazing?

Do you do the thing when you know that it's going to do it,

but you still do it too?

-Yeah.

-Like, you do it on top of the thing.

-You do.

-Can you give us some, like, lines?

-Sure, sure, sure.

-IN BATMAN'S VOICE:

-I'd like a large pizza.

LAUGHTER

Pepperoni.

Two Pepsis.

LAUGHTER

Oh, you try a bit, Amy Adams. Let's see it with a girl's voice.

I actually want to sound like Batman.

Do you bleed?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's so cool!

Deep!

I'm glad you didn't do that before me. You'd have taken my job.

That was really good. Have a go, Henry. Why not?

What would Superman say?

I'm Batman.

LAUGHTER

And I'm secretly in love with Superman.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's stop. Let's stop, let's stop.

There's been a lot - I think more than normal this time round -

a lot's been made about Superman's disguise

as Clark Kent.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

And how really light it is.

It's a very light disguise.

-Seemingly so, yeah.

-Really.

Like, I've got the glasses, so if you just pop them on

so we can see the difference that the glasses make.

-Just pass them down.

-Thank you.

-Here we go.

Prepare to be amazed.

LAUGHTER

GASPS

Where's Henry gone?!

LAUGHTER

That's really creepy. Crazy.

It's even creepier when you say it in that voice.

LAUGHTER

Because it is one of those things -

it's amazing that they haven't come up

with some sort of back story or...

You kind of think in 2016,

they wouldn't just put you in some glasses and say,

"And no-one will know who you are."

LAUGHTER

-But actually, didn't you do an experiment?

-I did indeed, yeah.

-To be a counterpoint to what you're talking about.

-Yep.

To prove you wrong, in fact.

A friend of mine and I were discussing the idea

of these glasses not being good enough disguise,

and we decided to go to Times Square to test the theory.

I wore a Superman T-shirt and no glasses

and stood underneath the giant wraparound Batman v Superman posters

-in Times Square.

-I think we've got a picture.

-Oh, there you are.

-There you go, yeah.

And took a bunch of other photos

and some video as well.

And got stopped twice.

Once by someone exiting the subway

asking for directions to Central Station.

LAUGHTER

And the other time was in a coffee shop where someone said,

"Could you please stop taking photos?"

LAUGHTER

-And that was it.

-That is bizarre.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

It's apparently very easy to do.

Either that or I have an incredibly boring face.

You just look really comfortable in those glasses.

-And smart.

-Oh! For once.

LAUGHTER

And you are going to be busy with Superman for quite a while now,

cos the Justice League films, they're coming up.

But I am contractually obliged, I must ask you -

-because James Bond, the gig seems to be up.

-Right.

-Last time, you came second, didn't you?

-Yeah.

-You were the other choice.

-Yeah.

-The first loser.

-Yeah, the first loser.

The person who was closest to not being him.

LAUGHTER

So this time round, do you think? What? What's the story?

Er, do I think? I don't know. It all depends.

I mean, I obviously am very busy with the Superman stuff.

If there were any windows and if they wanted me

to do that kind of role, it would be great. I'd love to do it.

It depends on what everyone here thinks. I mean, if you guys think...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shameless!

-Shameless.

-So I guess I should do it.

-Yeah, yeah.

I think walking the streets begging is a bad look.

You're better than that, Henry, you're better than that!

-No, I am not.

-LAUGHTER

I think it seems a bit greedy to be Superman AND James Bond.

Greedy or awesome?

LAUGHTER

Awesome for you. Yes, true.

The odd thing is, I suppose, there's an awful lot of people in America

who don't know you are British.

-Yes.

-Because I have to say, your American accent is...

I didn't even know Christian Bale was British!

LAUGHTER

-But his accent is good, isn't it?

-Very good.

It's not just British people who think it's good.

There are some Brits who come to...

The Brits have completely taken over America

in terms of film and television.

You can't turn on the TV without - it's all British people

on our television sets.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

They've taken over, and some of them -

I'm not going to name any names,

not that there's anything wrong with it -

do accents that sort of sound like this:

-EXAGGERATED AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Hello, there.

"We're pronouncing our Rs. Can't you tell?"

And then there are those like Henry

and Christian and others whose accents are impeccable,

and to whom you must tip your hat. Wouldn't you say?

-Yes, I would agree.

-I was wondering if he was going to answer the question directly then or not,

or just skirt over the fact, be like,

"Yeah, yeah, lots of people have good American accents."

"Henry does, right?"

-"Well, I think, American TV, British actors, and..."

-"Some people do!"

-"Yeah, a lot do. Christian, in particular, amazing."

-LAUGHTER

Yours is good. It's particularly Midwestern, which is specific.

-You honed in on Kansas.

-Was the idea.

-Of course, yes.

-Goodness, I was doing my job.

-LAUGHTER

You can take your glasses off now, if you want to.

-Or are you comfortable in them?

-Yeah.

-GRAHAM GASPS Henry's back!

-Oh, my God!

Surprise.

LAUGHTER

Is this pathetic? He does look quite different without them now.

I've sort of been convinced.

And, Amy, your English accent, though,

-was very good in American Hustle.

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Yeah.

-It was tricky.

-WOLF WHISTLE

But people must have been quite distracted

by your outfits in American Hustle.

-Yep.

-LAUGHTER

It's not the outfits they're distracted by.

LAUGHTER

Did the other actors find that distracting?

Um, everyone else was really polite about it.

Jennifer was the only one who really commented,

like, "Can you put them away? God, do I have to see them again?"

Cos I would slouch in the blue dress when we had the scene,

and she's like, "Nipple. Nipple."

LAUGHTER

Like, really.

And I eventually drew a face on it

so it would at least look friendly to her.

LAUGHTER

And you, when you're doing an accent, you stay in it?

Are you one of those actors?

I don't mean to all the time, but, yeah, I do stay in it.

I was doing Big Eyes - I don't know if you guys have seen it -

I play a really southern woman with this great hairdo,

-which is kind of big.

-I love that film. It's great.

-And it was the bigger wig than this.

My husband had a kidney stone, but it collapsed at home.

So I leave the set, I'm running, in the ambulance,

I get to the hospital. All this, I'm going through this whole thing,

and I realise I still have the wig on

and I'm asking all these medical questions in a southern accent.

I was like...

-IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT:

-"Is he going to be all right, or are we...?"

I'm still in character.

Like, "I'm not sure what a kidney stone is."

-LAUGHTER

-I caught myself in the mirror when I was washing my hands, and I thought,

"Oh, I am really just batshit crazy."

So I started singing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That'd be genius.

And while we're talking about accents,

we have to mention Ben Affleck in Shakespeare In Love.

-Cos that was a really good English accent.

-Oh, thank you very much.

No, cos it was hard, cos you were just surrounded by British people.

I was the only person who hadn't been knighted in the film.

LAUGHTER

So, yeah. And Gwyneth, who's basically British -

let's face it, right? She's got a pass.

And so, yeah, I was, uh...

I felt very self-conscious in the movie.

In fact, I studied...

I didn't know what to... I studied the British accent by -

I went to the store, like, Barnes & Noble,

and just bought someone reading sonnets.

-EXAGGERATED ENGLISH ACCENT:

-And it was a very British-sounding fellow.

Very, you know, "Trouble heaven with your bootless cries."

And I went home and read them out loud

over and over and over again.

And then I went to the read-through for the movie, and I swear to God,

the fucking guy who was reading the sonnets

was next to me at the read-through!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I said, like, you know,

"I'm a little embarrassed. This is so amazing.

"I've been studying you and your voice for months." And he said,

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, dear boy."

LAUGHTER

"It's going to be all right."

A couple of guys from the RSC looked at me and were like,

"You know that's a bit more than a pleasant touch of the knee."

"Oh, OK. Well, that's fine."

I mean, very excited.

But I had a great time on that movie. In fact...

LAUGHTER

-I learned the accent very well.

-Very well.

I got to wear a codpiece,

which was my only experience wearing one of them.

They had to film me from the waist up

because they thought it would give us an X.

-Really?

-Yes, I had a giant codpiece built into my costume.

-Oh, I see.

-Yeah.

-Oh, right, you weren't just going,

"But, yeah, it was so big!"

LAUGHTER

"They can't screen this film."

Oh, I see, it was a built... Why was it so big?

I don't know. The costumers.

I don't know, my friend, the reader, you know?

LAUGHTER

-"Make it bigger."

-It was just the way they saw me, I guess. Yeah.

Now, Ben, when Matt Damon... He's been here,

and he talked about the night you won the Oscar for Good Will Hunting.

And he has a particular take on it.

WHOOPS AND CHEERS

APPLAUSE

I don't look very happy in that particular photograph.

I assure you I was.

-He looks thrilled.

-Matt looks drunk.

LAUGHTER

Looking back, do you rejoice that you had that amazing success

so early on, or does a bit of you kind of...

not regret it, but sort of, I don't know, think it was a bit of a curse?

I mean, I don't think it was a curse,

but I couldn't really appreciate it. It was very hallucinatory.

I don't know if you've ever been in a traffic accident, but there's that moment where you go,

"Oh, my God, I'm going to crash into this wall over here."

Everything slows down and you're spinning around. That was how it kind of felt.

They said our names, and I looked at Matt and was like, "Should we get up?"

And we get up, and there's...

You know, people are clapping, and there was...

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau presented it to us.

And you know, Billy Crystal was hosting.

And he was going, "Matt and Ben! Ben and Matt!"

LAUGHTER

And you know, I was 24 years old.

I mean, I barely knew anything at all.

And it was, you know...

I mean, I think it was, in some ways,

trouble to get that much attention that young,

and I really didn't have any perspective on it at all.

It was a wonderful honour, but it was...

You know, I certainly appreciated later on much more what it meant.

And was there a kind of thing

where people thought you were that character?

Yeah, I think people thought that Matt was the math genius

and I was his dim-witted friend he dragged along from home.

You know what I mean? It was like,

"Give him an Oscar, too! We're very kind!"

-LAUGHTER

-And that...

That stayed with me for a while.

"You're all right, too. You can go ahead."

So being back at the Oscar podium for Argo,

that must have been such a kind of... What a satisfying moment.

Hopefully no-one thought I was a dim-witted friend, anyway.

Yeah, no, that was. It was much more satisfying.

And I had been through so much stuff,

so many ups and downs

and humiliations and highs and lows.

And you know, at that point I had had three children

and I had built a whole life,

and it felt like something that was much more...

I appreciated it, and I really felt like...

I also knew what it meant and what it didn't mean,

you know what I mean? And what was important about it and what wasn't.

And it was a really nice night and I got to share it

with people I really loved,

and it was probably a much more healthy experience.

And that thing of success early on -

cos you know, young actors,

they think they've got their big break.

Cos Amy - that's such a weird story,

-the Catch Me If You Can story.

-Yeah.

So you get cast by Steven Spielberg opposite Leonardo DiCaprio.

And you must have thought,

"This is it. It's all taking off now."

Yeah, I thought... Yeah.

-Didn't.

-LAUGHTER

How many years was it after that that you didn't work?

I didn't work for a full year after that,

and then sort of started taking...

getting roles again. And then, yeah, I just...

I don't know, I think it got too heady.

And again, sometimes when things happen at the wrong time,

it gets heady, and then I just choked.

Like, every audition, I just kind of was really bad.

So I didn't... I can't blame anybody else,

but it was overwhelming, the thought of...

You know, the thought of it was overwhelming.

-But then it worked out later on.

-Wow. Isn't that...?

-Yeah.

It's weird that you needed to go through that

to get to where you are now.

I think so. It's kind of, like, you had to let go.

You know, it's that whole saying of like, you know,

Let It Go.

LAUGHTER

-Wait a second!

-Please, God, no! No!

Do you see how it happens? How easy it happens?

And then what is a girl to do, you know?

LAUGHTER

Da-na-na-da-da...

-No, I won't.

-Oh, no, God.

-It'll cost us too much money!

-Oh, sorry.

Henry, you are...

Like, there must be so many actors watching this show

and watching this couch,

and, like, Hollywood really messed with your head.

I mean, they nearly gave you the big gig so many times.

Yeah. Yeah, there was...

-I mean, Superman was one of them.

-Oh, the first time round, yeah.

Yeah. Bond was another one.

And now I want both.

LAUGHTER

"I'll show them!"

Take that, Hollywood!

Yeah, essentially I got close to a bunch of stuff

and didn't get it.

But it's funny that people think that's a bad thing.

Where in Hollywood, everyone's auditioning -

or in the acting industry, everyone's trying to get a role,

and they're not necessarily getting them.

And so to get an opportunity to be in the limelight

by missing out on the big roles

is actually a good thing as opposed to a bad thing.

And I count my lucky stars for each one of those.

OK. You're turning it into a positive.

It still sounds quite shit, to just lose jobs.

LAUGHTER Just like, "No, didn't get it again.

"But it's great for my profile. I'm the guy who never works!"

LAUGHTER

Cos wasn't Twilight written for you?

Oh. Well, hey, I don't know...

I wouldn't go that far!

Or you can.

LAUGHTER

I think the writer of the books,

when the movie came around,

I think I was her first choice. I think. That's the rumour I heard.

And she wanted me to play the role,

but it wasn't up to her.

And instead, you know, a very talented actor played it instead.

Wow.

LAUGHTER

Who will remain nameless!

Not that he's angry.

LAUGHTER

Wealthy and famous but nameless.

Ooh, in Twilight.

All the Twilights, he's in them.

I'll be in the remake.

LAUGHTER

And very quickly, Batman v Superman -

of course the world is very excited to see these films,

but, Ben, it sounds like your son is very excited.

Cos how cool - his dad is Batman.

-How old is he? Four?

-Yes, he's four. He's four years old.

So does he kind of think you are?

He actually - not even kind of, he believes that I am Batman.

I have kind of set a trap for myself,

because I showed him some of the clips and the stuff

and I told him, "Yeah, I'm Batman." And so now he thinks, like,

his dad is Batman.

Truly. And now when I go out of the house,

he says, "Are you going to the Batcave?"

And I have to tell him, "Yeah, going to the Batcave."

I'm sure that it's going to come back to haunt me

when he's in therapy.

Going, "He lied to me!"

LAUGHTER

"Batman!"

But, hey, it's...

What's the thing with the UPS guy?

It's not the UPS - it's the FedEx guy.

I don't know if in this country

Federal Express has the same colour combination -

-there's a sort of purplish tint to the uniform.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

But in the United States they have this purple colour,

and so he thinks - my son thinks the FedEx guy is the Joker.

LAUGHTER

And so every time he comes to deliver a screenplay,

my son tells me, like, "Dad, Joker's outside!"

And then he wants me to go fight him.

So I have to go through this whole ritual where I go out,

I give the guy 20 to do, like,

a pantomime kung fu Adam West fight with me

so my son will still believe I'm Batman and I can beat up the Joker.

I think the guys draw lots to not have to deliver scripts to me.

LAUGHTER

But didn't you give him the best birthday party, though?

I did. He wanted to have a superhero party,

and that's usually where, you know, you pay some guys

who dress up on Hollywood Boulevard as various superheroes,

and they come and do a pantomime thing.

And I said, "Sure, no problem."

And he said, "Dad, I want you to be real Batman."

So I said, "OK, I'll be real Batman."

And I called the studio and asked them

if they would give me the real costume,

and they sent costumers over, and I...

And it was ten in the morning. You know, it was really hot.

And I put the outfit on, it was broad daylight.

You know, Batman's sexy at night.

LAUGHTER

He's not that cool at ten in the morning

when you're sweaty and hot.

I was prepared for it thinking it was a lot of little kids.

But then I realised they all brought their parents.

So it's sort of like being on this show in broad daylight

in my Batman outfit with my scary voice.

And I came trundling out there.

I walked out, saw the look on all these adults' faces,

kind of going, "Wow..."

"Batman!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-IN BATMAN'S VOICE:

-"Leave me alone. It's important to my son."

Right, it is time for music. Now, over the last three decades,

this group have become the most successful British duo of all time.

Here performing The Pop Kids,

please welcome Pet Shop Boys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Remember those days

# The early '90s

# We both applied for places

# At the same university

# Ended up in London

# Where we needed to be

# To follow our obsession

# With the music scene

# Wherever we went

# Whatever we did

# We knew the songs

# They called us the Pop Kids

# Cos we loved the pop hits

# And quoted the best bits

# So we were the Pop Kids

# I loved you

# I loved you

# They called us the Pop Kids

# I studied history

# While you did biology

# To you the human body

# Didn't hold any mystery

# We were young but imagined we were so sophisticated

# Telling everyone we knew

# That rock was overrated

# We stayed out till late

# Five nights a week

# And felt so chic

# They called us the Pop Kids

# Cos we loved the pop hits

# And quoted the best bits

# So we were the Pop Kids

# I loved you

# I loved you

# They called us the Pop Kids

# It was a wet Wednesday night

# We worried that no-one would be going out

# How wrong we were

# When we turned the corner there was already a queue

# Stretching down the street

# We swept straight in and you said

# Ooh, I like it here

# Ooh, I love it

# Ooh, I like it here

# Ooh, I am never going home

# I loved you

# They called us the Pop Kids

# Cos we loved the pop hits

# And quoted the best bits

# So we were the Pop Kids

# I loved you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pet Shop Boys, everybody!

Come and join me, do.

Hello. Beautiful job.

Nice to see you. Congratulations.

That's Neil, Henry,

Amy, Ben, Neil, Chris...

There you go. Hi, hi, hi.

Sitty down, sitty down.

Does the cap stay on?

-The cap?

-The lights, I mean.

Oh, no, I can switch them off. Do you want them off?

Well, it's a bit blinding. I feel like I'm in traffic!

LAUGHTER

I can flash.

Oh, look at that!

It's all very hi-tech.

Is it the feeling you get before a road accident?

-Do you want them off?

-No, no. It's up to you.

-I don't mind flashing.

-Flashing is actually more annoying.

Leave them on or off.

-Where are we? Oh, there we go.

-There you go.

So that is off the album Super.

Look at me, I've got... Look.

Oooh. Olde worlde vinyl, ladies and gentlemen.

-It's not olde worlde any more.

-No, it's very popular now!

Very. Sainsbury's...

LAUGHTER

-..I read in the paper, are starting to sell them.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Vinyl records?

-Vinyl records, yeah.

It's a world gone mad, isn't it?

What'll they do with them? Does anyone have a record player?

It's funny, everyone's talking about people buying vinyl,

but where do you buy a record player?

-Erm, well, sort of DJ shops you can buy...

-Oh!

-Yeah.

You can get your Technics decks, you know?

He's down with the kids! Very good.

So that is out now. Oh, no, it's not.

It's out on April the 1st, but The Pop Kids is out now.

And you're doing -

is it three nights at the Royal Opera House or five?

-It's four, actually.

-OK.

"It's none of those, Graham!"

LAUGHTER

Actually, I could have worked it out,

cos it says here, from the 20th to the 23rd.

That would be four nights.

Of July. At the Royal Opera House, though - posh.

The Royal Opera House, yeah. They asked us...

Actually, they asked us last year and we said no.

But this year we had a new album out.

And it's sort of a special thing, playing at the Royal Opera House.

And when you're putting together the show,

Chris, do you go to rehearsals at all?

LAUGHTER

Erm, I've always done as little as possible.

LAUGHTER

No, but seriously, do you show up on the night

and just go, "Where's the Yamaha? And I'll go stand there."

We have used a body double in the past.

-You just didn't show? You phoned in sick?

-No, we haven't!

-We have, when I was sick in Barcelona.

-Oh, just once, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-No-one knows.

No, they did.

Listen, the album Super is out on April the 1st.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Pet Shop Boys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've just got time before we go

to make our first visit of the series to the Big Red Chair.

Who awaits?

-Hello.

-Hello!

-What's your name?

-My name is Janice.

-Janice. And where are you from, Janice?

I'm from Minnesota.

-Are you really?

-Yes.

Cos you sound like you're pretending.

-LAUGHTER

-No, I'm from Minnesota.

It's like, "I'm going to sound like I'm from Minnesota

"and I'm going to dress like someone from Minnesota."

LAUGHTER

I don't know why I think they wear knitted hoodies.

But there you go, I thought they did.

Are you here on your holidays?

No, we're actually living here for a few months.

-Oh, right, what are you doing?

-My husband is an IT specialist.

-He's an IT specialist? Is he from Minnesota too?

-Yes, he is.

Oh, right. But you normally live in Minnesota

-but you've come here for the few months?

-Yes.

-To install something?

-Yes.

-Do you know what?

-No.

LAUGHTER

So where are you getting to stay?

We're in Kensington.

GRAHAM GASPS Oh, I tell you -

oh, she's far from Minnesota now, ladies and gentlemen!

Wow!

-You've landed on your feet, Janice.

-Oh, good!

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

-No, he's a catch, the old IT guy.

-Oh, yeah, he is.

How long have you been married?

Um, a lot of years.

LAUGHTER

-We'll leave it at that, Janice!

-16?

I went to art school. 16!

LAUGHTER

16 years, Janice is married!

Well done.

OK, Janice, I look forward to this story.

Off you go with your story.

OK, so a long time ago I went on a date with a guy

who thought he was Indiana Jones, complete with hat and jacket.

And he picked me up in his car and we drove to dinner,

and as we were driving to dinner,

he had a flaky booger on the end of his nose.

And he was telling me his adventuresome tales,

because his father was an archaeologist,

but I couldn't look at him, because every time I looked,

the booger would just go like this in the wind.

And so then we sat down to dinner, and it was still there.

And I thought, "Oh, my gosh,

"this is going to totally come out in his food!"

So I didn't... All I know was Africa, something.

I don't even remember what he was talking about.

Then we got in the parking lot, he slipped on the ice.

His hat flew. He got up and pretended nothing happened.

He had a big messy situation.

But the fall did dislodge his booger.

I never went out with him again.

That's a terrible story.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

It seems...

Oh! Oh! oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, poor Janice.

I had such high hopes for Janice's story!

The life that woman's led

and the best story she had was just somebody with a booger.

That was poor. I'd hoped for more.

Has the chair been repaired?

LAUGHTER

What? Oh, we are. OK, one more. One more. OK. Here we go.

-Hello.

-Hi!

-Hi, what's your name?

-Louise.

-Louise. Are you - are you from Britain?

-I am. I'm from London.

-Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How amazing!

OK, Louise, off you go with your story.

OK, well, my story involves a female-only sauna,

a very tiny towel, and eight men in uniform.

Oh, very good. Now, can I just say,

that's a very good opening to a story.

We're all vaguely interested now.

There's something for everyone in that story, isn't there?

Off you go.

OK, so a few years ago I lived in Paris

and I was at the gym one evening and went to the sauna afterwards.

And I went in the sauna with this teeny-weeny little towel.

It was women only.

The French women, the Parisian women, are very laid-back.

And as I was climbing up to get onto my seat -

you know there are wooden benches in the sauna -

my leg went through the wooden bench. One of the slats broke,

my leg went through. And I was jammed. Could not get out.

And so my friend went off to get help.

After about 30 minutes of standing there,

sweating in the sauna, all of a sudden the door opens...

Wait a minute, they didn't turn the sauna off?!

LAUGHTER

The door opens and not one, not two,

but eight firemen

walked in, decided it was a job for eight of them.

LAUGHTER

And managed to pull my leg out of there. These men were very burly.

My friend told me afterwards they were very good-looking.

I wouldn't have known, I couldn't look them in the face!

I was just too mortified.

Yeah, that was it. That was my story.

Aw, bless. I do need to flip you, though.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE There you go.

Well done, everyone, and if you would like to join us on the show

and have a go on the Red Chair, you can contact us via our website

at this very address. That's it for tonight.

Please say thank you to my guests - Pet Shop Boys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Henry Cavill!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amy Adams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Ben Affleck!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with music from Raleigh Ritchie,

actor Stephen Mangan,

Hollywood stars Kirsten Dunst and Jessica Chastain,

and the mighty Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth.

I'll see you then! Good night, everybody, goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE