Episode 2 The Graham Norton Show

-Well, hello, Chris Hemsworth!

-Well, g'day, Graham!

As Thor, you've got a hammer, in The Huntsman, you've got an axe.

-As an Aussie, how good are you with a boomerang? Let's see.

-I'm amazing! Watch this!

Ooh! SWOOSHING

METALLIC CLANG

LAUGHTER

Oh... Let's start the show!

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh! Oh! Hello!

Hello, everyone! Good evening.

Welcome one, welcome all!

Yes, thank you very much! Lovely to see you all.

Two things to say. OK, two things to say...

Firstly, very exciting, under one person's seat tonight

are the keys to this brand-new car. So, have a look if you want.

Have a look, there you go. By the way, the second thing...

April fool.

LAUGHTER

Some of you got genuinely excited. Yes, it... Yes, today is April Fools' Day!

So, let's get our guests on.

Later, you have music and chat from Raleigh Ritchie! Yeah!

But first, from Green Wing to Episodes,

he's one of Britain's finest comedy actors - now starring in

supernatural crime drama Houdini And Doyle, it's Stephen Mangan, everybody!

Here he is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

This Hollywood star began her career at the age of three,

and her hit films range from Bring It On

and Interview With A Vampire to Spider-Man.

Now starring in the indie sci-fi thriller, Midnight Special,

please welcome Kirsten Dunst! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, hello!

-Hello!

-Welcome back! Lovely to see you!

Come in, come in, come in! Stephen, Kirsten.

She wowed us with her performances in Zero Dark Thirty,

The Help and The Martian. Now, she's kicking ass

in The Huntsman: Winter's War,

it's always a pleasure to welcome Jessica Chastain, everybody!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-Hello! Look at you!

Look at YOU, baby!

-Kicking ass! Mwah! Sit down!

-Thank you. Hello.

And joining Jessica is The Huntsman himself, he is the God of Thunder from down under,

please welcome Chris Hemsworth! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Whoo! Hello, sir! Lovely to see you.

-Good to see you.

Grab a seat...

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Ah! Very nice to see you all.

-Thank you very much.

-Was there some bonding backstage? Was it all good?

-CHRIS:

-Yep, yep.

-STEPHEN:

-Good boomerang throwing. I liked that!

-I was so impressed with that!

-We rehearsed all week for that, didn't we?

-It's in your blood.

-LAUGHTER

-I was born with a boomerang, so it's easy...

-Of course you were! Can you REALLY do it?

-I can throw it -

-I don't know if it's going to come back!

-So, essentially, in your hands, it's a stick!

-It's a stick.

-LAUGHTER

-It hit you in the head like a stick.

-Now, it is April Fools' Day.

-And Kirsten Dunst, you really, you liked it a lot, growing up, didn't you?

-Oh, yeah.

Well, it was...

It was one of my cat's birthdays too,

so it was a special holiday for me!

-OK...!

-Also, telling your mom you're pregnant...

-Sorry?

I always would tell my mom I was pregnant.

-LAUGHTER

-And depending on my age,

she was either really excited or very disappointed in me.

-Oh!

-But she falls for it every year.

-LAUGHTER

Still no joy. One day...

But hey, ladies and gentlemen, we must say a big,

big congratulations because there is a brand-new daddy on our couch.

-Mr Stephen Mangan!

-Thank you very much!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Was it this time last week?

-It's exactly a week.

-He is a week old today.

-How are you here?

-I know.

-You must be so tired!

-This is a holiday for me.

-You can drink.

-Oh, no, you're not even drinking!

-No, I can't drink.

-I'm doing the night shift.

-CHRIS:

-Breast-feeding!

-Aw, that's lovely. This is number three.

-Number three. Yeah!

-So, is it all boys now?

-All three boys.

-Oh, wow.

-Wow.

-I mean, it's... it was little surprise, this one.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah! A little, pleasant...

-LAUGHTER

-If it was a girl, we were going to call it Cilla. Surprise, Surprise!

-LAUGHTER

-I was filming, we were about to do a take, I got a text from

my wife, a picture of the positive pregnancy test with WTF next to it.

The fellas came up and said, "Can we go for a take?"

and I said, "Just, just give me one second..."

Went round the corner and went...

-And came back and carried on.

-Wow.

-But you know how it happened?

-I think so.

-LAUGHTER

-We need to work that out.

-Yeah, you really need to work backwards.

-Because, how many have you got now, Chris?

-Three, I think. Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-You kind of lose track of them, you know?

One was easy, then two, and three and they get busy...

-Oh, OK!

-They go in different directions constantly.

-Now, you made the choice to bring your children back to Australia.

-Yeah, yeah.

So, were they all born in America and then you brought them back?

Erm, no, my daughter was born here in London, actually.

-Oh, right!

-Yep. And then the boys were born in America.

Then we moved back to Australia and...live there.

Now, you've posted pictures online and it makes me think,

was bringing your children back there that wise?

Like, that's your house! LAUGHTER

-Yeah, that is one of the bedrooms. Yeah.

-Is it one of the children's bedrooms?

LAUGHTER

Occasionally, yeah. Not since that snake lives there.

And then, there's this one as well. Is that in your house?

-AUDIENCE GASP

-It is, yeah.

-They're better than paparazzi, though, those animals.

-OK!

-There's a lot more paparazzi in LA.

-I would take paparazzi over the spider and the snake!

-Would you?

Yeah... You know that snake? What you don't see, we'd had a couple of drinks

that night when we discovered that snake in the bedroom. And...

I love Australians. I LOVE Australians!

"We'd had a few drinks when we found the snake in the bedroom."

We did, it was a Friday or Saturday night.

And we were all standing there, going, "What is it?"

And someone's like, "It's a brown snake," which can kill you,

you know, very quickly. Someone's like, "No, it's a tree-python."

"It's something else, it's this..." And I just launched into, like, action mode,

grabbed it by the tail, picked it up, and everyone starts freaking out and it starts to kind of coil

itself back up towards me, which is getting ready to strike.

And I remember thinking, "What the hell am I doing?"

So, I just kind of threw the snake back into the bedroom.

-LAUGHTER

-And shut the door! And we don't go in that bedroom any more.

We just sort of nailed, boarded that thing up.

-STEPHEN:

-We have a little mobile with stars and suns on it, that just

-goes around...

-Boring!

Now, Jessica Chastain, you are a lover of the Australian wildlife.

-Yes, I am!

-No, because, was this picture taken in Australia,

of you with a kangaroo?

-No, that was actually taken in New York.

-Oh!

-That was a New York kangaroo.

-It's a travelling kangaroo.

-Yes!

-Now, is that a baby kangaroo?

-That is a baby kangaroo, but what makes

me slightly disappointed is it's totally upstaging me on that cover.

In fairness, it is.

-Right? I mean, look at that model face that it's giving.

-Oh, my...

-CHRIS:

-It's pretty cute. You both look pretty cool.

I'm guessing the kangaroo was quite squirmy.

Yeah, I mean, they're very hoppy.

-STEPHEN:

-Yeah, technical term!

And...you know...likes to play, likes to hop around.

But was very, very happy whenever I had the bottle

because they would do anything for the milk.

I feel you'd had enough of the hoppy because there is a picture

inside the magazine of you with the kangaroo.

-LAUGHTER

-That's so cute!

It's so sad because it looks like I'm just, like, "Love me, love me,

"I love you so much." And it's just like, "Give me the food, lady."

They could at least have Photoshopped the bottle out, right?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that would have looked weirder.

Like it had rabies, frothing at the mouth.

-Now, Kirsten, big animal lover, Kirsten Dunst, as well.

-Yeah.

Now, cats, you've already mentioned a cat. Cats are your first love.

Well, I like, yeah, I do like cats. Not my first love!

-But I am a cat person.

-OK.

-And you just got a new cat?

-Well, that cat adopted me.

-Oh, I see.

-So, new to you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Like, did it wander in?

-Yeah, it just wandered in,

started feeding and now he sleeps in bed with me every night.

-So, he just...

-Aww...

-Yeah!

-It is weird. You would never do that with a person.

LAUGHTER

It's always specific to animals! And what's the name of the cat?

Tito. I thought it was a boy for the longest time...

Usually, those orange stripy cats are boys.

I don't know why I know this.

But then my friend came over and was, like,

"Those balls are very small, I don't think that's a boy."

Hang on, girls don't have SMALL balls!

LAUGHTER

I know. It was like, if it's a he, she, whatever it is, I don't care...

Still, Tito's a fine name for it. And so, yeah, it's a boy.

I think this is a picture of Tito. And Tito is SUCH a boy.

Look at that. That is a BOY! LAUGHTER

Look at the manspread on that!

-CHRIS:

-Has he got a third leg or is that its tail?

-That's its tail!

-Definitely a boy.

-That is a very, very cute cat.

He just looks like he wants a hug, really.

-STEPHEN:

-I think he wants a beer and some chips.

Is that the way he sits all the time?

No, he's just mid-lick. Very clean.

Oh, those tiny balls, he was just making clean.

They're small but they're really clean!

Right! Ladies and gentlemen, we must talk about The Huntsman: Winter's War.

It opens on April 4, next Monday. Obviously, it stars Chris Hemsworth.

You are The Huntsman. Well, Jessica Chastain, you're also a huntsman?

-Yes.

-Or a huntsperson?

-I'm a huntsperson.

That is a very PC, politically correct word.

Now, you weren't in the first one, so how did you get into this one?

In the first movie,

The Huntsman, Eric, has a speech about his wife and this former love.

And I play that. It's a prequel and a sequel. So, I'm Sara.

Yeah, it picks up the back story of my character with

the love of his life, who he loses, who we THINK he loses. And...

Then Ravenna, played by Charlize Theron, who is evil

and fantastic in the first film, is back.

But she has a sister who is equally as evil and cunning, which is

played by Emily Blunt. And she's the Frost Queen, the Ice Queen. And...

She's like our Mommie Dearest in this movie.

-Yeah, very twisted kind of relationship.

-Yeah.

She loses her child, so then raises an army. Which is us.

But says, "Do not love."

That's the one rule that is bestowed upon the kingdom.

So, we broke that rule, fall in love and all hell breaks loose.

It really does! And there is... There are nods to Frozen,

there's nods to lots of fairytales along the way.

-Less singing than Frozen. But...

-There is less singing, yes.

-My favourite was your solo, though.

-Yeah.

-Do you want to sing a little bit of that now?

Wouldn't everyone love to hear it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

People will be sitting through the movie, like, "It's an hour and a half in..."

-When does he sing?

-My God, when does Chris sing?

-Still no song!

We sang in between. Yeah.

And is it true that, Jessica, you were in it

because Chris was the person who asked you?

Well, erm, I mean, I loved the first film and then Chris

and I met at the Critics' Choice Awards and he was so nice.

And I said, "Listen,

"I'm not interested in doing a movie like this if I'm playing the

"wife that stays at home while the husband goes out and has all the cool stuff."

And he's like, "No, no, no, you're going to kick some..."

-Am I allowed to say "ass"?

-Arse, yeah.

-Ass? Yes!

Yeah, I remember you saying, "Do I get to kick some arse?"

-Yeah, I did actually.

-And I said, "We'll make sure of it." And she does.

She kicks my arse in the film and kicks many other arses. A lot of arse kicking - if you like that?

-The last time I was here, I think I took you to the ground.

-You did!

-Yes, a little Krav Maga action.

-Yeah, I remember... I had forgotten what it was called...

But I do remember that. I think of it sometimes still.

LAUGHTER

Now, you wanted to kick ass. So, we've got a clip. This is you kicking ass.

And Chris kicking, there's a lot of ass kicking.

With your co-stars, in The Huntsman: Winter's War.

-Leave my children alone!

-Ugh!

ICE SHATTERS

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we must, Chris, very quickly, mention Thor.

-Mostly, so we can show this picture.

-Sure.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

-Are you embarrassed?

-Why would you be embarrassed? God!

It just looks like a lot of dieting and exercise to me.

I'm, like, "No, thanks, no."

But also, now, apparently, is this true, that people... This is odd.

So, people come up to you and they want you to tell a specific joke?

Oh, they just come and tell me Thor jokes.

-The old Thor lines and stuff.

-Oh, I see!

-Like...

-Go!

Do you know the joke about Thor spends a night with this woman

and the next morning he says, "I have to tell you who I am."

You know, "I'm Thor." She says, "YOU'RE Thor? I can hardly walk!"

LAUGHTER

It's a good joke. It's a good joke, ladies and gentlemen!

-APPLAUSE

-It's good the first time. The next 27 times, you know?

Now, here's a thing,

Stephen Mangan, I would have thought your look is quite unique.

-You would think, wouldn't you?

-You would!

I get told I look like everyone's mate. Anyone with curly hair and teeth.

Put a horse in a wig, and it's me.

I get told I look like Elliott Gould, Jerry Seinfeld, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Mika.

-Oh, my God!

-The donkey from Shrek...

LAUGHTER I have to say, though,

we have a picture of the donkey off Shrek and you do look remarkably alike.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-CHRIS:

-One of the most lovable characters...

-Exactly.

-STEPHEN:

-Separated at birth.

No, I thought someone was exaggerating,

then we looked at the picture and it was like, actually, it does!

It actually does. Someone said to me, "You don't SOUND like him."

-I said, "That's because it's Eddie Murphy, of course I don't sound like him!"

-Oh, dear.

Now, Kirsten Dunst, your new movie is Midnight Special.

It opens next Friday. You KNOW this, I'm really telling the people.

Like, your new movie... You'll be interested to find out,

you're in a movie called Midnight Special. It opens next Friday.

Now, it's part science-fiction thriller,

part sort of dark family drama. So, we'll talk about it in a minute.

But to give us a taste, here's some of the trailer.

Alton!

ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYS

-What if Alton doesn't belong with us?

-You don't know that.

That's remarkable. I know where they're going.

-He believes in something.

-Good people die every day believing in things.

-You don't have to worry about me.

-I'll always worry about you, Alton.

I like worrying about you.

-That's the deal.

-It's OK.

I know why I'm here.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I really enjoyed it because I had no idea what to expect.

And it's one of those rare things.

It's a properly, sort of original movie.

Like, you have not seen this movie before.

Yeah, I mean, it harkens back to, like, Spielberg

and Close Encounters and ET and that kind of thing,

that Jeff Nichols, who also Jessica worked with on Take Shelter,

which, I love that film, if anyone hasn't seen that as well.

And Mud as well.

He's just, I think, one of the great auteurs of our time

and whatever, you know, anxiety or his personal, you know

struggles with having a son and everything that comes with

being a parent, he just purely puts it into his work.

And at the centre of this film is this extraordinary

little boy.

And playing his mom, do you sort of feel responsible for him?

Well, I mean, yeah, of course, it's my child in the film.

I feel responsible. It's the whole point of the movie!

-"Oh, THAT?"

-You meet my character, Sarah.

-Did you say your character's name was Sarah too?

-Yeah.

-OK, so my character, the other Sarah...

-That's some lazy writing.

You meet my character, she hasn't seen her son in two years.

And she's been excommunicated from this religious ranch.

So, the rest of the film is kind of a crusade to get him

where he needs to be. These coordinates.

I don't want to give away too much.

But it's basically that kind of vibe. Yeah.

-And he's amazing, that boy.

-Yeah.

He is a wise, wise, little gifted young actor. Yeah.

Yeah, and I guess, weirdly, you were in a unique position to know what he's experiencing.

Yeah, no, of course, I mean, you know, the only thing

I did say to Jaeden was, like, "Go to normal schools if you can."

Like, he's home-schooled and I always went to, you know,

I had prom, I went to the football game, I did everything.

So, to me, it's a good balance to be able to go back to school

and have your friends always.

Cos that time, when everyone kind of discovered you in

-Interview With A Vampire, I mean, how old were

-you then? I was ten.

-Wow.

And for you to be thrown, did you know who the rest of the cast were?

Yeah, of course, yeah. I'd watched A River Runs Through It!

-It's a lot of famous people to be in a movie.

-These are so funny, these. Good old '90s crimping right there.

LAUGHTER

And like, long hair on the dudes. Yeah...

-Has Tom Cruise kept in touch since then?

-Yeah, yeah.

He gives me a cake every Christmas.

It's, we call it the Cruise cake at my house.

It's just this coconut cake.

It's the best coconut cake I've ever had in my life.

It's from a bakery in the Valley. So, sorry everybody.

In England, you can't have it unless you go to California! But it's really good.

And, yeah, we get it every Christmas. Yeah.

We're like, all our family is like, "Cruise cake's here!"

It's like a major thing. All devoured that night. We're like, "Thank you, Tom."

-Love it!

-That's a lovely thing.

I guess that's kind of a tradition, actors give each other gifts.

So, Chris, what did you get Jessica at the end of The Huntsman?

-Yeah, what did you get me, Chris?

-LAUGHTER

Erm, well, how about what did you give me at the start?

I gave you, I gave Chris a candle from Le Labo,

in which you can actually have the person's name on the label.

-Which I didn't realise. So, I gave it back...

-Yeah...

LAUGHTER

-Awkward, wasn't it, yeah?

-Yes, super-awkward.

-It smelt horrible.

You're never getting anything for free now.

I thought the trailer started to smell funny,

-so I lent her the candle.

-Oh...

-No?

-No, and I had to tell you.

-I was like, "No, Chris, you can't give me the gift I gave you."

-Damn it.

-The same candle?

-Yeah, it was the same one.

-Anyway...

Does Matt Le Blanc buy you really lovely things at the end of Episodes?

He does not, no. No, he does not.

He doesn't buy me anything.

And now he's earning all that Top Gear money. Where is my gift, Matt?

-LAUGHTER So, essentially, Tom Cruise is ruining it for everyone.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-He needs to cancel that cake.

-So, he not only gives presents on wrap but continuously,

-for years afterwards?

-Yeah, years after.

-See, that's impressive, isn't it? Impressive.

It is. I've never done that. Except for my parents.

LAUGHTER

-But they are great!

-Yeah, they're really good!

Now, before the Interview With A Vampire thing, of course you did lots of commercials.

-Yeah.

-You were like the go-to girl for commercials. But you were!

Yeah, I booked the first commercial I ever went out on. It's like, "This kid's a star!"

-You were tiny, you were, like, three or something?

-I was little.

Like, three years old I started doing commercials

-and modelling and stuff in New York, yeah.

-Wow.

But you went to a regular school, so, presumably,

the other kids, did they give you stick for things you were in?

One, because it was a baby doll that, it would put yellow...

It would have a diaper you could change and it was either

yellow or brown, and there is a great song that went along with it.

So, on the bus, I got sang that song for a very long time.

And that was really great for me.

I was like, "Ha-ha, I made so much money!"

-LAUGHTER

-I didn't realise that it was just going into the college fund.

-I was like... I had no idea.

-Wow.

-So, it won't be traumatic if we show that commercial?

-I don't care.

-I was a cute little girl. I don't care.

-It's adorable! Oh, good.

-Look where I am now, it's fine!

It's not a tragedy!

It's not like you're trapped here. "It's the only thing people want to talk to me about!"

-LAUGHTER Anyway, so, the product was called Baby Uh-Oh.

-Yes, you're right.

-LAUGHTER That was a great marketing meeting. Baby Uh-Oh.

-Very simple, yeah.

-Because it's...it soiled itself, Jessica. Uh-oh, baby!

-Oh!

This is like being at home for you, Stephen!

-It's worse at home, though, it's, like, actual.

-Yeah, it's real.

-But this stuff wasn't real, no?

-This stuff is just coloured water.

-OK, good.

-So, you're not the main girl. You're the blonde friend.

-Yes.

-I think you're wearing a pink top.

-OK.

-Here's Baby Uh-Oh.

-Oh, a dirty diaper.

-# Baby Uh-Oh

-# There she goes

-I give her a bottle and then...

# Baby Uh-Oh, there she goes Needs her diaper changed again. #

Baby Uh-Oh gets her diapers dirty. You rinse them clean with warm water.

-All clean!

-Looks like diaper rash.

-I'll make it better!

# Baby Uh-Oh There she goes. #

-Looks like her diaper's just right!

-# Baby Uh-Oh, I love her so. #

Awww!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I haven't seen that in so long! My mom is going to be so stoked

-to see that again.

-That is a bizarre product. Isn't it?

Yeah, it's training us young!

Some good old-fashioned feminism right there.

LAUGHTER

Can I just say, Stephen Mangan, though, in this country,

-for a long time, you were king of the ads.

-I did loads of them.

Because I only wanted to do theatre and you can't earn a living,

really, doing theatre, so, I did spend a lot of time

subsidising it with commercials, yeah.

I advertised everything. After Eight mints, you know, chewing gum, beer, holidays...

-The donkey from Shrek...

-LAUGHTER

But why were you so castable in ads?

I think because a lot of those adverts have a very beautiful

woman and then a characterful man.

LAUGHTER

Who could sell his enjoyment of the product.

So, whether it's chewing gum or a cup of coffee, you'd drink it

and there would be a...look that they seemed to like.

And it would, you know, get me a lot of work!

But ads no more, ladies and gentlemen, because Stephen Mangan's

latest show is Houdini And Doyle. Now, it's running on Thursday nights.

-Yeah.

-On ITV Encore.

-Yeah, it's on Fox in the States in May, I think.

No, cos it's a big new show, isn't it?

I mean, it's by the people who made House?

Yeah, the same team who did House.

And essentially, it's sort of based on a bit of fact

that Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock creator, and Houdini, were friends?

They were. They were friends.

And they did meet up and they were on opposite ends of the spectrum

when it came to the supernatural.

Houdini believed all that stuff was utter junk and rubbish.

He spent half his career going around proving that psychics

and mystics were just talking out of their arses.

And I only pointed to you when I said arse because of that conversation earlier...

Talking out of their arses...

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, Jessica!

-I could help YOU with that one.

And, Arthur Conan Doyle believed in the supernatural,

believed in life after death, and wanted to prove it scientifically.

So, they did meet in real life and clash.

And in fact, Arthur Conan Doyle was a huge fan of Houdini's magic shows.

He would go along and say to Houdini afterwards,

"What you did up there was magic."

And Houdini would say, "Well, no, it was a trick."

And Conan Doyle wouldn't have it. He said, "No, no, no, it's magic."

So, I don't know if he was crazy or what...

-LAUGHTER

-But it is amazing to me

cos he created Sherlock, you know, one of the most rational,

clear-thinking, logical characters ever created, really.

But he also believed that there was something else going on.

And then, this show pits them together and they're solving crimes?

-Yeah.

-Now, your wife is in it.

-Yes.

-Which is great - new baby, bills...

LAUGHTER

-But then weirdly plays your wife.

-She plays my wife in the show, yeah.

It's really bizarre working with your actual wife.

And she's in a coma to begin with. So she's lying in bed, in a coma...

-She's very good, though. She's excellent.

-She's very still.

And I'm standing at the end crying.

And it's just peculiar. And also, kissing and all that stuff.

It's great, it's good to see her.

LAUGHTER

We filmed it up in Manchester and Liverpool for months on end.

So, it was nice to catch up - between comas - on the family.

But also then, presumably, when you're making out,

-people are just going, "There's Stephen and his wife!"

-I know!

Lots of hairy men standing around watching you. That's...

I imagine what dogging feels like.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-You know?

-High-scale dogging.

-You don't know what that is?

I learned what dogging is, when I was shooting the Huntsman here,

there was a show about dogging. Otherwise, I would have no idea

-what that is.

-Yeah, it's... I don't know why I said that.

LAUGHTER

I'm in a lot of trouble when I get home.

No, because the Huntsman is filmed in woods, I thought

you were going to say, "And there was a dogging site right there."

One of our unit bases was in a well-known northern dogging

car park. And you could see that from the detritus left around.

GROANING Oooh!

And we were filming in night shoots, and every sort of 20 minutes,

a car would drive in and the person would stop

and look around and slowly reverse back.

It's very hard to explain.

-I won't even try.

-I'm thinking I'll YouTube it later.

-LAUGHTER

-Don't do it!

-Just kidding. I was kidding.

-Some sort of firewall will explode.

The hotel Wi-Fi will just...

All right, let's have a look at a clip.

This is...YOU playing Arthur Conan Doyle in Houdini And Doyle.

Your wife has not passed.

No, she hasn't.

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

ECHOING WHISPERS

Don't grieve, Arthur, my love.

She is still with you.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Folks, this lady is just trying to separate you from your cash.

CLATTERING, THEY YELL

ECHOING VOICES

GASPING

Whoo!

-APPLAUSE

-Spooky!

-Spooky, man.

I must admit, we weren't giving it our full attention.

But Chris now knows what dogging is. LAUGHTER

Now, very quickly, Episodes. It's coming back,

-but is this the last series?

-It probably is, yeah.

We start filming in a couple of weeks.

I spent all day costume fitting.

They keep trying to get me in shorts.

I don't think Brits look good in shorts.

I look like a scoutmaster who should be on some sort of register.

Aussies are born with shorts on, aren't they? They can handle it.

We are. We just cut the legs off our pants.

The Brits, no...

-Episodes is made by Showtime in the States and BBC Two here.

-Yeah.

-So, you can kind of say what you like.

-Yes, we can.

But then, because it's shown on aeroplanes

and in other countries, do you have to reshoot it?

-Cos it's quite rude, some of it.

-It's really rude.

And if you say fuck, then rather than

later on having "fudge" dubbed on,

we just do a sort of TV-safe version afterwards.

Which is often more hilarious than the real thing.

And we did a scene earlier on - we play two Hollywood writers.

And we did a scene about... We had the word "cock" in the script,

and you can't say "cock" on TV. What other words are there for cock?

Schlong, dick... So, we did this whole scene.

And then we had to do a TV-safe version of the same scene,

which is very hard when you can't say the word

that you're not allowed to say in the first place.

So, "You can't say 'wiener', can you, on American television?"

-It was that kind of...

-But you can.

-You can say wiener.

You had to say a word that you COULD say

-and pretend you couldn't say it.

-That's ridiculous.

-Yeah, it is ridiculous.

-Have you guys all done this?

-Yeah.

For aeroplanes, just, later on, you're just adding something in...

into some weird...

Like, "Duck! Duck!"

Makes no sense at all!

Ah, fluff!

Things that just don't match the scene.

-Not at all.

-You are a fluffing idiot!

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-Fluff off!

-Have YOU done it?

-I did it for Zero Dark Thirty.

There's a big line in the movie, I'm not going to say it

-cos it's probably not allowed, but...

-Try it.

-I'm the

-BLEEP

-who found this.

-Oh, you can't say that.

-Exactly.

LAUGHTER

But what do you do? Like, so, we were trying to, "I'm the mother..."

..gangster who found this place. It doesn't make any sense.

-It becomes a comedy.

-You're like, "I'm the mother duck."

-It has to be the same amount of syllables.

-Yeah, no, that's hard.

And it has to kind of look like what your mouth is doing.

-It's very bizarre.

-But also, you've got, in your arsenal, of course,

you have lots of German swear words.

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Well, my dad's from Germany.

-What?

-That's my favourite thing.

I worked with Daniel Bruhl and he taught me the dirtiest German stuff.

-I just love it.

-Well, then you know!

Yes, it's the best.

-It's the best language to swear in.

-Yeah.

I've never seen a guest more keen on a subject.

-Yeah, Jessica!

-I thought she liked dogging, but no!

German swearing, that's the one.

What's your favourite?

Arschloch is a good one.

-I like Schlampe.

-Schlampe?

And you got to take your time. Schlampe, which means slut.

Oh.

But Hengst is stallion.

But my favourite is "Kommen sie hier."

Come here, yeah.

Tanze... Wait.

"Tanze eine kleine... tanze, tanze,"

which means, "Dance, you little masturbators, dance, dance!

You're more of a German person than I am!

APPLAUSE

Listen, it is music time.

Now, you're in for a treat.

This man is a home-grown talent whose star is

definitely on the rise.

Here performing Stronger Than Ever from his hot debut album,

please welcome Raleigh Richie.

APPLAUSE

# Hate me when I'm gone I'll make it worth your while

# When I'm successful

# But when I'm here I need your kindness cos the climb

# Is always stressful

# Clumsily gas myself by thinking I'll be better off alone

# I leave my piece in pieces all around the decent people

# Back at home

# Cos I'm a big boy, an adult now or nearly

# If I pull the wool back from my eyes I can see clearly

# The world is at my feet and I am standing on the ceiling

# Whoa

# Whoa

# And I fall, fall, fall when it all comes down

# And I won't be crushed by the weight of this town

# I fall from the sky but I won't fall forever

# I fall but when I rise I'll be stronger than ever

# Official man, delusions grand

# And now I'm a free agent

# I'm here to make a stand for causes I don't understand

# And make a statement

# I fall short on knowledge

# I don't even watch the news

# Can't be arsed with college, it's nothing but a human zoo

# Cos I'm a big boy, an adult now or nearly

# If I pull the wool back from my eyes I can see clearly

# The world is at my feet and I am standing on the ceiling

# Whoa

# Whoa

# I fall, fall, fall, when it all comes down

# And I won't be crushed by the weight of this town

# I fall from the sky, but I won't fall forever

# I fall but when I rise I'll be stronger than ever

# I'm not defeated

# I believe that I can turn this ship around

# Destroy the status quo until I know I've found a common ground

# I'm not alone I'm just focused in my zone

# This is easy

# I'm fine, I just need time to turn this into home, I'm good

# Believe me

# Believe me when I say I'm going to be

# Big explosions crack through thunderous mountains

# Hearts exploding, minds, volcanoes pop and blow

# I'm not alone

# Who am I kidding? I'm sad, no ideas coming

# It's driving me mad and I'm fighting it

# It's turning me bad, I'm loaded, rage is taking me over

# I just want to be home with all my friends and family

# It's closing in on me, I need recovery, coming home

# I'm coming home, I need closure

# I need closure

# I need closure

# I fall, fall, fall, when it all comes down

# I won't be crushed by the weight of this town

# I fall from the sky, but I won't fall forever

# I fall but when I rise I'll be stronger than ever. #

-Thank you.

-Well done!

Raleigh Ritchie, everybody!

How good was that? Come over, you!

Great job, seriously. Really, really great job.

Come and meet everybody.

Stephen, Kirsten, Jessica, Chris.

Nice to meet you.

Very good.

Have a seat, have a seat.

Congratulations on that.

That is on your new album, You're A Man Now, Boy.

Boy.

And the album's great. You must be so proud of this.

I'm very proud of it, yeah. It's been a long time in the making.

It's excellent, it's excellent. And if it doesn't depress you...

I mean, I'm the wrong person to praise this album,

-but it's really good.

-Why?

Well, cos you don't want 53-year-old people liking your music.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, I do.

See, that's career suicide.

The label are going, "Contract, tear it up."

"Non-demographic, this is all going horribly wrong."

By the way, if people are...

Cos people might be, I hate to do this,

people might be looking at you thinking,

"I know that guy" - you don't live near him.

Well, maybe you do.

But, no, you've been in lots of things.

You're an actor as well as a musician.

I have. I worked with Stephen on Episodes.

Yeah, you were Kevin, weren't you?

-You remember the name?

-Yeah.

-I

-didn't even remember the name.

It's all that music.

LAUGHTER

I like your music too.

Thank you very much.

I'm old as well, so...

Barry Manilow called, he loves it.

Well, that's good!

Also, I should say the big thing is Game Of Thrones.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-So, who do you play?

You know, yes. Jessica loves it.

I'm obsessed.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Game Of Thrones, dogging and German cursing.

You play... Is it Grey Worm you play?

Yeah, this season, though, they're changing his name to Sarah.

LAUGHTER

Good, good.

But in the show, you don't HAVE a grey worm.

No, I think the worm is there,

-but the worm's feet are there...

-Oh.

-The back wheels are gone.

-Back wheels, back wheels.

Does the worm work without the wheels?

-I don't know.

-What is going on?

LAUGHTER

I think it's all dick euphemisms.

-Remember what we were talking about?

-Oh, yeah, right, yeah.

-It's a grey worm.

-Ah.

-But you play a eunuch.

-I do, yes.

You'd be surprised how many conversations I have

with people that end up becoming all about penis-related things.

-That's my life.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

There's your beer.

Get that down you.

OK, Raleigh Ritchie, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, before we go, just time for a visit to the very large red chair.

So, who's there? Who's there?

-Hi.

-Hello! Who are you?

-I'm Mia.

Mia, lovely. And where are you from?

-I'm from Leicester.

-Leicester!

Top of the league.

LAUGHTER

Never has a town got less.

Are you at the show by yourself?

No, I'm with some friends who are from London.

Oh, so they couldn't even be bothered to cheer.

Your poor friend is in the red chair and you're just going,

"Sit on your hands."

"She wanted to do it, yeah."

"Are you cheering? I'm not cheering."

And do you live here now?

No, no. I'm on Easter holidays, so I'm just visiting.

Oh, what a lovely holiday destination you've chosen.

LAUGHTER

She's all for the Brexit.

OK, so, off you go with your story, Mia.

So, I was at a university reunion in Baslow,

which is up north somewhere, in a big country house.

We'd not seen each other in a while.

Sorry.

Just having drinks, went to the pub, got a bit lairy at the pub,

no-pants dance, teddy bear rolls, just standard on a night out.

We go back, have some more drinks.

And then me and my friend go to get some drinks in the utility room,

and it's winter, it's the winter just gone, so it's really cold.

The door shuts and there's no handle on the other side of the door,

so we're like, "Oh, this is the utility room,

"no drinks in here anyway." Banging on the door, banging on the door.

Half an hour, an hour, an hour-and-a-half.

They've all gone to bed.

We realise that we're stuck in this utility room,

it's about minus three degrees.

And there's a dog basket and some coats

and we watched a bit of Bear Grylls.

I think we're just going to

have to...

get in the dog basket with my friend's parent's coats

all around us, tried to make a bed

and realised that you have to take your clothes off

to stay really warm cos it was really, really cold, Graham.

-It really was.

-LAUGHTER

No-one's coming, we're banging on the door.

We've got no phones, there's no toilet.

I really, really need a wee at this point, there's just a bowl,

with the dog basket,

you know, that happens.

Then one thing leads to another...

LAUGHTER

..in the dog basket and he gets injured, anyway...

LAUGHTER

OK, there are so many bits of this story missing.

So, you were having sex in a dog basket...

No! No, I'm not, I'm not!

I'm absolutely not!

"One thing led to another" - what else does that mean?!

I just needed to make that innuendo.

Anyway, he gets injured, there's a lot of blood everywhere.

LAUGHTER

So, the dog wanders in...

There's no dog. Pull the lever, Graham, pull the lever.

I'm going to pull the lever! APPLAUSE

Those friends...

"Pull the lever", I like that.

Those people over there - you are not her friends.

"Yeah, no, tell that story, tell it. It'll be good.

"The one where a guy bleeds in a dog basket

"while you're having sex with him."

Is that the first time someone's pulled the lever on themselves?

I think it's the first time we've had hari-kari in the red chair.

"Too much, I can't. I don't know where this story's going."

Shall we try another one? Try another one, OK, here we go.

I didn't want to hear the ending.

-Hello, sir.

-Hi.

-CHEERING

Now, see, now, they love you! They love you!

Where are you from?

I'm from Stanford In The Vale near Oxford.

Lovely, and what do you do, sir?

-I'm now retired.

-From?

From IT.

Oh!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND GASPS

LAUGHTER

That's a good friend, they're good friends.

"IT?!"

"Wow!"

Off you go with your story, sir.

Right, well, um...

My wife and I decided to take our daughter and her fiance out

for a celebration engagement party, or dinner,

at a nice Thameside restaurant.

We arrived at the restaurant and we, a party of eight,

sat down and we started on the champagne for about

two or three bottles,

and then the waitress came over, introduced herself as Christina.

And she said that she was the waitress for the evening

and that it was her birthday.

So, when she disappeared to get the starters,

I arranged for the adjoining tables and our table

to give her resounding chorus of "Happy Birthday, Christina."

So, she returned and suddenly we all broke into song

and wished her happy birthday, and she was very red-faced

and embarrassed, and disappeared and went to get her manager,

who came back and he immediately discovered

what the problem was cos he explained that, well,

Christina was, well, she was from the EU

and that she was telling us that it was her first day.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's a good story!

-He's reddening up the most.

-Blushing too!

-He can walk! Walk!

-Thank you.

Good story, it was a good story.

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go on the red chair,

you can contact us via our website at this very address.

Listen, before we go, we would just like to say

a special thank-you and goodnight to the man who inspired

our red chair, the great Ronnie Corbett,

who has died at the age of 85.

He was always one of our favourite guests here on the show.

APPLAUSE

And we just wanted to send our love and sympathy to Anne and the family.

All right, that is it for tonight.

So, please, say a huge thank-you to my guests,

Raleigh Ritchie...

Stephen Mangan...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Kirsten Dunst...

Jessica Chastain...

..and Mr Chris Hemsworth!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week, with music from Meghan Trainor

and a packed sofa of acting talent.

We've got Eric Bana, Ricky Gervais, Ewan McGregor,

Kevin Costner and Dame Helen Mirren.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everyone, goodbye!