Episode 3 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong language.

So many great films to talk about! I'm here with my date, Dame Helen Mirren. Mm!

I'm all set. I've got my popcorn, I've got my drink...

All I need now is a snog with my date.

Charming. Let's start the show!

CHEERING

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Hello!

Hello!

Welcome, one. Welcome, all!

Thank you! Thank you! Lovely to see you all.

Thanks for being here. Great show tonight.

Of course, the great dame herself is here, plus a host of film stars.

I tell you, there are more stars on that sofa

than a tax office in Panama. There really are.

Not me! Phew!

I did check. "Did I do that?

"No, I didn't."

Now, very exciting because, later on, we've got a real treat.

Making his first appearance on the show,

actor and Academy Award-winning director Kevin Costner!

CHEERING Yeah! He's here!

But who's coming on first?

From Slough to superstardom,

this man has won Baftas, Golden Globes and Emmys

and is one of Britain's greatest comedy exports...

Please welcome, Mr Ricky Gervais!

Yeah!

-Hello!

-Thank you.

How do you do? Good to see you!

-You all right?

-Yeah, good. Sit down!

Starring with Ricky in his new film Special Correspondents,

this man is one of Australia's finest actors

who starred in Munich, Star Trek, Troy and Black Hawk Down,

it's Mr Eric Bana!

Yes, it is!

Hello! How are you doing? Nice to see you! Sit down, sit down!

He went from Trainspotting to "Moulin Rouge!" and Star Wars

as the young Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Now he's starring in the new Le Carre thriller,

Our Kind Of Traitor,

it's Ewan McGregor, everybody!

-Hello!

-New shoes?

-How are you?

-I'm really well, nice to see you.

Hi, lads.

And it's a very warm welcome back to true acting royalty.

It's the Tony, Emmy and Oscar-winning Dame Helen Mirren!

Yay!

Hello!

Mwah! Lovely to see you! Come in...

Sit! Sit!

Oh!

Glad we all chose dark colours tonight. That was a good choice.

You look lovely. You stand out.

-They're not overcrowding you, there, on the sofa, the boys?

-I wish.

He made me move up but I'm on a crack.

-Move on down.

-Someone thought he was the only one on.

There you go. No, because men like to do the manspreading thing,

which can crush a lady.

Yes, look, even here, I'm sitting nicely like this

-with my legs crossed. You are, too.

-Yes.

They're all like, you know, "My sofa."

No, because, Ricky Gervais, you've fallen victim of manspreading.

Well, it wasn't me. We were at the Knicks game in New York, basketball.

We're right in the front row, great seats.

This side of me was your mate Hugh Jackman...

Right.

-Because he's from Australia.

-Yeah, you all live in the same...

Like Neighbours. You all live in the same...

My girlfriend Jane was here and, next to her,

Evander Holyfield came and sat down

and he's massive and she went, "His thighs are halfway on my..."

His thighs were like that, right?

"I'm squeezed up," and I said, "I'm not going to say anything!"

Wolverine wouldn't help me, would he?

They were massive, yeah.

I don't need to spread.

I've got tiny testicles.

You see, I would have thought, Eric and Ewan,

because you both ride motorcycles, that you're kind of...

You must be prone to manspreading.

I actually had an incident last week.

I was at a football game and I had a foot-spreader.

I had a foot-spreader next to me

and I actually found myself getting quite pissed off about it

because... Like Ricky, he had sort of invaded my space

to the point that I couldn't adopt a neutral stance.

I had to kind of like do that.

-You wanted to spread.

-I wanted to hit him and he...

And I just couldn't reclaim it and it took until three-quarter time.

I had to wait till he went to the bathroom

and then I was like, "Oh, finally!"

And he didn't return so I couldn't actually claim...

And he barracked for the opposition, so I just was trying to be nice.

Because, now, Ewan McGregor, see, the motorcycle thing,

but also kilts, I would've thought would encourage manspreading.

-Definitely not!

-No.

Why would you do that with a kilt on?

You have to be careful with a kilt.

But doesn't the sporran keep the middle down?

If you've got enough change in your sporran to weigh it down.

Is that a euphemism?

-Is that what you put in a sporran? Money?

-Change, your fags, whatever.

I didn't know that. They're like a little pocket.

-It's like a little pouch.

-I thought it was just a look, you know?

-It's a practical thing.

-BANA:

-The original fanny pack.

Original man-bag, he says!

A man-bag!

Your traditional Scottish thing is a man-bag!

Braveheart had a man-bag!

The other thing is to touch people.

-What?

-It's to touch people.

Different times, different times.

-Nice to see you.

-Lovely.

-Hi.

-How's it going?

You see politicians do this.

You see them fighting to be the first one to touch the other one

-because touching...

-Is that a power...

-That's a power thing, though.

-It's a power thing.

If I touch Ewan, I'm not being nice to Ewan, I'm saying...

It's quite nice.

-Stop it!

-It's quite nice to me.

-Please touch me again. Go on.

-You know what I'm saying.

Have you a lot of change in your sporran now?

APPLAUSE

Hey, we've got lots of movies to talk about tonight

so let's start with Dame Helen's new film, which is Eye In The Sky.

I love this film. It's a properly kind of exciting, nail-biting drama

about modern warfare with drones.

It opens next Friday.

Before we talk about it,

this clip really kind of sets up the central moral dilemma

in that sort of warfare. You're the colonel.

She's stopped.

Lieutenant, we have this one opportunity. Let's not lose it.

-Ma'am, she's selling bread.

-Jesus...

Those men are about to disperse. Engage now.

Ma'am, I understand we have clearance.

I will fire if I see the HVIs moving

or when this girl's out of the frag radius

but I want to give her a chance to get out of the way.

Lieutenant, you have clearance.

There is a lot more at stake than you see here in this image.

Ma'am, I need you to run the collateral damage estimate again with this girl out front.

The situation has not changed, lieutenant.

You are cleared to engage.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And it is, you know... A lot of movies try to be tense.

This is... And it holds you for the whole time.

Yes, it does. It really does. It takes place in real time.

The two hours that this operation takes to be completed

is exactly the sort of two hours of the movie...

And it's a kind of forensic examination of all the decisions

-that have to go into something.

-Yes. Extraordinary.

I didn't know about this

and I think the majority of the audience won't understand.

In a strike like this, specifically like this,

this is exactly what would happen in terms of the chain of command,

going all the way up to the Prime Minister if necessary,

and nobody, as you see in the movie, quite wanting to make a decision.

And it's a great cast of Americans and British actors.

And we must mention the late, great Alan Rickman, who's perfect in this.

Yes, fantastic. His last film.

-It's a brilliant, fitting final performance.

-It is.

I think it's a movie he would be very proud of

in the sense that he would appreciate what the film was about

and the way in which it tells its story,

it doesn't take sides, incidentally.

It makes no moral decisions.

It just throws up the moral questions

but what I love about the film is it's Alan as I knew Alan, you know?

He was a brilliant character actor

and we see him in Harry Potter and Die Hard

playing these extraordinary characters.

That is Alan as he really is, you know?

Funny, urbane, intelligent, very human

and so it's really great to see him up there.

There is action in this film even though you're in that room,

but you have done the kind of big action thing.

-You did the Red franchise.

-I did Red, yes.

And, now, I hear... I don't know if this is true.

That you are gunning to be in a big action franchise.

Yes, Fast And Furious.

-I would love to be in Fast And Furious.

-LAUGHTER

-You're not joking, are you? You're serious.

-No, no.

It's incredible fun to do those movies. Aren't they?

I mean, they're like... You don't act.

LAUGHTER

Phew!

-Now I'm interested, yeah.

-No acting required.

It's amazing. They set all these things...

Things explode all around you and...

Oh, it's unbelievable fun.

And that with cars, that would be my dream come true.

-I didn't know - you love cars.

-I don't love cars.

-You like driving?

-I like driving.

I'm not interested in cars as cars.

You guys are, right? Some of you are.

-You're a racing driver.

-Yeah, I love cars

but I don't ever want to do a movie where you pretend to race cars

because that would drive me insane.

Oh, I'd like that.

-I'd be very offended.

-Oh!

A guy coming over and saying,

"Are you familiar with a manual transmission?"

-But you can't... Can you not drive at all?

-No.

No, but do you know how?

Well, I've seen people do it.

-I'll have a go.

-You don't have a licence?

-No.

-OK.

You can't drink and drive, so what's the point?

That's kind of... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's sort of why I learnt.

-To stop myself drinking!

-Really?

-There'll be a couple of occasions when I can't drink.

-Not worth it.

Helen, have you done the stunt driving in movies?

I drove stunt driving, believe it or not, in The Queen.

Was there a lot of stunt...

Now, you may think that doesn't count as stunt driving

but I had to do a shot where, as my fellow actors will know,

the cameras were set up all across the front of the car,

so I couldn't see anything and I had to drive like quite fast

through country... Not even made-up roads, just back tracks in Scotland

so that... I think that sort of categorises as stunt driving.

Yeah, Fast And Furious - easy.

Previous experience!

I also smashed a camera off the side of a car

when I was stunt driving once.

I totally forgot that it was on the side...

You know, put on the side of the car.

I was on my own in the car and I went round a corner really fast

but, of course, I forgot about the camera

and I completely smashed it off the...

Total write-off, the camera.

We've got a lot to think about, though, haven't we?

We're put in cars and asked to drive with cameras in the way

and we're acting as well. There's quite a lot to think about.

And, suddenly, it becomes impossible to open the door.

Somehow, opening the door becomes a real difficulty.

What I can't do in a film is park a car.

Like, I'm a good driver and I can park a car like the best of them...

All right!

But, when there's a camera crew there, you can't park a car.

It's tough being an actor.

The audience are going, "Oh, poor them!"

Nurses, soldiers... You try and park a car with someone looking at you.

Because, Ricky and Eric, your new movie is Special Correspondents.

Now, Eric, you did all your own driving in that, though, didn't you?

There wasn't much, there was just one scene

where we have a little getaway and some people, you know,

claim to be nervous passengers in your car and you kind of go,

"Oh, whatever, I don't mind scaring them," but I genuinely...

Ricky was so convincing, describing to me how scared...

-I'm scared of roads.

-Really, really scared.

No, seriously, I'm scared of roads and speed and all that.

And guns. I'm scared of guns.

I had to shoot a gun and jump into a Jeep that he had to...

I found out. I didn't even know he was a race car driver

when I wrote the scene and then that worried me but he was really good.

I was so... I went the other way.

I was like, "He's going to really, really get scared here

"if I try and scare him,"

so I actually... I took it really easy on him, actually,

because I was worried he would go to his trailer and just not come back.

He drove with one hand and the other hand just comforting me.

Manspreaded, our knees were touching.

I said, "It's all right."

Well, you're making the film sound very exciting.

Special Correspondents, now, this is posh and new, ladies and gentlemen.

It is released worldwide on Netflix on 29th April.

-Exactly.

-So tell the people what it's about.

It's about...

I play a bit of a radio nerd.

I'm an engineer.

Eric plays a handsome sort of...

We flipped a coin. He plays...

..the tall handsome radio sort of news journalist

and I look up to him but he thinks I'm an idiot

and he sort of bullies me.

And we're thrown together,

and we're meant to go and cover a civil war,

but because I'm going through a really bad time,

I lose the tickets and passport

and we have to sort of hide in a Spanish restaurant

and we're trying to work out how we get out of this

and I think this is... You've got a clip.

We've got the clip of you and the people in the Spanish restaurant.

Yeah, we're trying to brainstorm how we get out of this situation now

because we're expected to do a report from Ecuador in a few hours

-and, obviously, we're not there.

-Here we go.

We need to brainstorm.

-Brainstorm.

-Brainstorm.

-What is a brainstorm?

-I love these two to bits but they're not

-the sharpest tool in the box.

-You're a genius.

-Can two other people go, instead of you?

-What? Of course not.

-Can you cover a different story?

-No, it needs to be that story,

it needs to be Ecuador and it needs to be us.

-I got it.

-Go on.

-You could use someone else's passports.

-Ours!

-Oh, we're screwed.

-No, but she's... Who would...?

OK, um...you could save up money for a new ticket

-and by then the passports will be here.

-And the war will be over.

-That's good.

-Not for us.

-No, but for the people.

-Less will die.

-Less will die.

-They're thinking of the people.

-Less will die.

-You'll die, though - I'll kill you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You guys have not worked together before.

Eric, how did you expect Ricky to be as a director?

I had no real expectation. I was just shocked that he knew who I was.

I got a call that he was doing this project and blah, blah, blah

and "We'll send you the script." I'm like,

"Oh, yeah, I'm a fan and I would love to read what he's doing next.

"What's the point of me reading the script?" They're like,

"He wants you to be in it." And I literally, I was like,

-"Does Ricky Gervais know who I am? Does he know I exist?"

-Really?

-Yeah.

It was so bizarre! And I read the script and it was terrible.

LAUGHTER

But I was humbled by the fact that he knew who I was, so I said yes.

And I remember, the reason I cast you is

cos I thought you were this really cool, brooding thespian -

I saw you in Munich and he was the Hulk and all this -

and I thought it would be great, an action hero, a bit screwed up.

And on the first day you said,

"Did you cast me cos you knew I did comedy?"

And I didn't. He started out in comedy, in Australia,

in a very similar way to me.

You did a little sketch show and then you got your own show

and then you went and became a handsome action hero.

-Just like you.

-Just like me.

No, but I didn't...

And I found out he was an idiot like me. It was brilliant!

He's not cool at all, he's a fucking idiot.

LAUGHTER

We talked about nothing but our balls for about six...

-Is that true?

-Unfortunately.

-But in a funny Russian accent.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"Hello, how are your balls?"

I don't know how that happened. It just morphed into...

Why did it have to be Russian? He'd come to work and go...

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"And here comes Mr Bana with his big balls."

And I'd be like...

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"Here comes Mr Gervais with the suspiciously round balls."

Is it cos I found out you were Croatian?

Yeah, but I'm not Russian!

I can't do any accents.

It just sounds different. That's it.

He had to play American and I didn't want to play American.

Everyone was American except me. I wrote in, "He's from Reading."

LAUGHTER

You may not have known that Eric Bana was a stand-up

but I didn't know that you, Helen, worked as a carny,

like in a carnival.

Uh, well, in Southend-on-Sea, which sadly is closed now.

It was a funfair.

OK. What did you do?

I worked on a dart's stall

and I worked as a blaggard to get the people to come to the stall.

You seem a bit posh to do that.

She was common then.

I was common then, actually.

Not really, but I did live in Southend-on-Sea.

Southend-on-Sea's fabulous. It's St Tropez, you know...

The British St Tropez.

And how did you encourage people to play darts?

-I'd shout at them incomprehensively.

-What would you say?

"Excuse me, sir, sir, did you blag in at the gate? Did you?

"No, I'm sorry, did you blag in at the gate? Cos you have to.

"You have to blag in at the gate. If you haven't...

"Sorry, I'll explain.

"If you come over here I'll explain what it is.

"Did you blag in at the gate?

"Anyway, we've got a great stall here."

-Just shout anything to get them to come over.

-And that would work?

Yeah, because if you're asking a question...people are,

"What? What? What did you say?"

How weird were the men that they needed to be asked twice

to come over to you?

A beautiful lady, darts - what's not to like? Yay!

I assume it was rigged as well? Aren't they?

It was just... Nobody ever won.

That sounds rigged to me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, guess what, everybody, as chance would have it,

Ewan McGregor also has a new film out. Yes!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE

-I feel a fool.

-Don't feel a fool.

-I don't have one. Everyone else...

Everyone's got a film. This one is called Our Kind Of Traitor.

It opens on Friday the 13th of May.

Of course, John le Carre - very hot right now, after The Night Manager.

-Exactly.

-This is another one of his thrillers.

Tell us who you are and what it contains.

It's a story about an everyday man. I play a professor,

a teacher in a college in London who gets drawn into an espionage plot

between the British Secret Service and the Russian Mafia.

Stellan Skarsgard plays the sort of main Russian Mafia...

-He's so good.

-He's funny in it. He's very, very good.

And brilliant. I like working with him a lot. It's a good story.

-Is it a comedy?

-No.

LAUGHTER

He starts off funny... He starts off funny and then...

No, he's funny to work WITH. His character's not particularly funny.

He kills quite a lot of people.

-LAUGHTER

-But in a funny way.

It's quite zeitgeist-y cos it's all about the new Russian money

and that sort of stuff. How different is it from the book?

Or do you know? Did you just get the script?

It is pretty close to the book.

The characters are older in the book and not Scottish -

I played him as a Scotsman as opposed to an English person.

Correct. No point doing silly accents.

Let's have a look at a clip.

This is you with your wife, played by Naomie Harris,

being interrogated by Damian Lewis

-and realising you are getting out of your depth.

-Right.

Perhaps you would like to sit down.

I have some questions.

Not tough. Medium-soft.

Is this all he gave you?

-Yeah.

-Didn't offer you any money?

Oh, he did, but I refused.

-Then why did you bring it?

-I thought it was the right thing to do.

-He said his children would be killed if I didn't.

-You believed him?

He seemed scared.

He told you he was a member of the Russian Mafia.

And you still agreed to help him.

-You haven't checked the contents of the memory stick?

-No, I thought

I could just hand it over and be done with it.

Thought that would be it, you know?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So you've got this movie out - and here's a thing -

I didn't know - I don't know if you guys did -

that, obviously, you were Obi-Wan Kenobi -

-You didn't know that?

-No, that I knew. That I knew.

-But you are in the new Star Wars.

-Well, hardly.

My voice is in it for a second. I recorded a little line.

-When do you speak?

-I can't... I don't know.

-Have you seen it?

Have you seen it?

I did. Yes, I thought it was very good. I can't...

LAUGHTER

That line - excellent!

You know that bit where... I don't remember where I speak, no idea.

-Alec Guinness speaks in it as well.

-Yes.

I think the beginning of the line is...

The character's name is Rey - I am really struggling here.

Go on, go on.

-The character's name is, of course, as you all know, Rey.

-It is.

They wanted a line of dialogue that said, "Rey..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE

Then there's some other line that I say.

-"Rey, these are your first steps..." Or something.

-What?

-"Rey, these are your first steps."

-Or something.

-Something.

That's what he says: "Rey, these are your first steps or something."

So they recorded me saying it

then they found Alec Guinness saying, "Afraid."

And they cut the "A" and the "D" off

and they took the "Rai" out...

LAUGHTER

So it's Alec Guinness saying, "Rey"

and then me saying that other line that you said.

Did you have to go all the way to Tunisia to do that?

No. It was obviously a very last-minute thing.

JJ Abrams e-mailed me out the blue.

He got my e-mail address from someone and it was about two weeks

before the film was released, so it was a last-minute,

"Oh, let's.... That might be a good idea."

So anyway. It was nice, I was glad to be part of it.

And, very quickly, talking of iconic characters, David Brent is back.

He is, yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The new movie, David Brent: Life On The Road, we already know,

-it's opening on the 19th of August.

-Yeah.

And the trailer was released yesterday.

Yeah, that is all we've got so far.

It's Brent now, sort of 15 years later,

we follow what he is doing,

we find out what happened after The Office documentary went out,

and what he went through, and he went though a bit of a breakdown.

Now he's selling toiletry products as a rep, up and down the country,

but he never gave up the dream of being a pop star...

And he's cashed in a few pensions,

and he's worked overtime and he's taken a holiday.

He's paid for a bunch of session musicians to go on tour with him,

he's hired venues and he thinks he's going to get signed

and it's...tragic.

LAUGHTER

And you posted some pictures of you getting into full Brent mode.

LAUGHTER

He makes a video called Lady Gypsy

about him losing his virginity when he was 18.

That's him trying to look 18.

You've gone full hog cos it's not just a film,

there is an accompanying album.

We're going to, yeah, bring out...

It's 15, 20 tracks. Seriously.

Of him. It is his dream come true and all these songs, like Lady Gypsy

and Native American.

And Equality Street. Yeah?

He's trying to change stuff.

But, yeah, basically...

He is a man out of time. It is funny, but it is quite sad as well.

-But Ricky Gervais, I'm guessing, is thrilled...

-I'm nothing like him!

No, but you are thrilled to be bringing out an album.

I was a failed pop... I sneak a song into everything I do.

I wrote a song for The Simpsons.

I wrote a song with David Bowie for Extras.

You wrote a song for Vera in Special Correspondents.

Yeah, she sings a song. Yeah, yeah.

I'm a frustrated, failed musician.

It's great because I've got a get-out clause, it's sort of ironic,

but it's so much fun playing with a rock band

and they are really brilliant. It's Andy from Razorlight...

Did you used to bring the guitar... When you were doing stand-up,

were you one of those stand-ups who snuck a guitar on stage?

No, I would never do that, or get it out at a party.

When somebody gets that out - death. Forget it. We're going home.

-Did you?

-No, I always used to hate it when stand-ups did that.

I know. It's like, "Oh, fuck me, he's got a guitar."

-"Tell a joke."

-Ricky, can we look at a picture of you in your pop career?

-RICKY:

-Whoo!

-ERIC:

-Which one's which?

-LAUGHTER

-HELEN:

-Is that you on the right?

-It is, yeah.

-Wow, look at that!

That is a curious eyebrow. That is a kind of,

"Well, what is going on over there?"

What's the name of that two-piece? What is that?

-That's called Seona Dancing. Let's move on.

-What's it called?

See, I know what you are doing. You're going,

"Oh, look at you there."

I am not embarrassed by that, I am embarrassed by THIS.

Everyone's going, "What the fuck happened?"

I tell you what happened - pizza happened.

LAUGHTER

You've brought us a clip from David Brent: Life On The Road.

Yeah, we get to know about his personal life a bit more and this is

him pretending he is a bit of a Lothario. But...yeah.

I have been out with all sorts of girls - rich girls, poor girls,

white girls, you know.

Thin girls. Fat girls.

I went out with a very big lady.

Lovely. Bubbly. Beautiful eyes.

My mates were like, "Brent, if she lost weight,

"she'd be an absolute stunner." And she did lose weight

and she wasn't a stunner.

Which was very disappointing.

It was a surprise to everyone.

I think she left it a bit late in life and lost it way too quickly,

so she was left with that wattle thing.

She wasn't bubbly any more. Bit grumpy.

Always hungry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

We look forward to seeing it.

It is time to meet my final guest.

This Hollywood legend has starred in so many of our favourite movies,

from Field Of Dreams, The Bodyguard, The Untouchables,

to the Oscar-winning Dances With Wolves.

Welcome, for the first time to the show, Mr Kevin Costner, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir. Very, very nice to meet you. Please, sit down.

Kevin Costner, everyone.

DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE

CHEERING CONTINUES

Have you met these people before?

I feel like we always are entering everybody's living room, basically,

so I've watched, admired and laughed.

You are always... Think better...

Jesus Christ, why did I come on this show?

LAUGHTER

The others are thinking it, you've said it.

LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT CHATTER

You have come out here tonight and you look like Kevin Costner.

Because you were spending time in London in character

for your new movie, Criminal,

where people were slightly taken aback by you.

-Yeah, they were.

-Like frightened of you?

Well, I play this part called Criminal,

the only person that doesn't know about it is my mom.

And I basically play a pretty dodgy character and fierce,

and I had to figure out how he was going to look. And he comes out

looking a little bit of a modern Frankenstein, if you will,

a pretty fierce character.

This is the look.

Did people not recognise you?

-Did you go out in London looking like that?

-No, I put a hat on.

I don't enjoy the...

"I know you."

That exchange is like, "No, you don't."

And you just keep going.

This film, Criminal, which opens next Friday,

you play Jericho Stewart, and we are used to seeing you as the clean-cut,

American hero, the good guy.

No-one ever mistakes me for anything other than an American, I get that.

I make cowboy movies and baseball movies.

It is a little bit about the way you talk as well. Just a little bit.

-Yeah.

-But this guy is not just a bad guy, he is a monster.

I don't feel like I'm playing...

I feel like I'm playing somebody

and people do not understand my problems, I don't feel like I'm bad.

I think that's the way you have to go about it.

In the film there is a ground-breaking medical process.

Yes, we have a big leap-of-faith movie here,

where we're going to have to transfer someone's memory into mine

and if we don't, the city's in peril,

so if you make your jump over that, that is what happens.

I love it already. I love that. Fantastic.

Someone puts someone else's memory in yours?

-I get Ryan Reynolds' memory...

-They'll be great memories!

They'll be good memories.

LAUGHTER

I have a few myself!

I get little flashbacks.

The problem is my character is not a controllable person

and he finally gets himself on the streets, being a lifelong criminal,

and he realises people don't care about him, you know,

everything he does goes back to the street

and how he survives in prison.

It opens next Friday. This clip, this is you returning to

-the family home of Ryan Reynolds' character.

-Of course.

Basically, you are in his basement, you have got his memories,

-and his wife finds you.

-Yes.

-OK.

What are you doing in my basement?

Did you work with Billy?

I don't think anyone like him

ever would have worked with somebody like me.

They stuck Billy in my head.

I got a scar. See?

All the stuff that he knew,

all the stuff that he could do, I got it all scrambled up inside me.

That's impossible.

The first car you two ever bought -

used Rover.

Bum clutch blew the first week.

-I told you, they stuck his brain in me.

-That's enough.

-CHILD:

-Mom? Mom, where are you? I'm hungry.

Just a second, baby.

Billy could never hurt you, so neither can I.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

When we knew you were coming on the show, we were talking about your movies

in the office and not only is it lots of people's favourite movies,

but for one actor it is an extraordinary hit rate.

You know, massive hits. And yet, when you think about them,

films like Field Of Dreams, Dances With Wolves,

even a Robin Hood reboot - they are not obvious box-office gold.

How did you get them made, how did you pick them?

Some of them I actually had to put my own money into.

I had to buy my own parts, actually.

A lot of the movies I have done - Field Of Dreams, Bull Durham

Dances With Wolves - were movies that were rejected by the studios.

Bull Durham cost... Somebody wouldn't give us 4 million

for Bull Durham and it ended up making like 300 million.

Dances With Wolves was a movie that was turned down twice

by the studios.

I guess I didn't hear them the first time.

And you directed Dances With Wolves.

I have directed three movies,

mostly stuff with horses.

-LAUGHTER

-Brilliant.

You can't imagine how you would inspire. I remember when

Dances With Wolves came out, I was at drama school,

and how inspiring it was for all of us to see that movie, to know that

you directed it and acted in it.

-It blew our minds. I remember very distinctly.

-That was...

I gotta tell you...

We all have friends you start with, and it's like who gets there first?

Who gets to the finish line?

There are a lot of friends behind us and you find a way to help them.

One of my friends was a writer and I sent him on a lot of, you know, jobs

and every report that came back was he just pissed everybody off.

Finally he came over, he goes,

"I hate Hollywood, I hate all you people."

And I said, "I tried to help you, man.

"Some of these people you're talking bad about

"have become friends of mine.

"And I don't understand this whole thing about Hollywood." I said...

Even though a writer thinks the last thing they wrote was the best thing,

I said, "Maybe it's just not good enough."

He kind of said one more thing to me and it really crossed the line.

He's a kid from the '60s, protest march and everything,

and it is very easy to put Hollywood down.

But he crossed the line with a friend and I don't know

what happened but I had him up against the wall...

LAUGHTER

I said, "Would you just quit putting everybody down?

"Quit writing things that are 120 pages long" -

cos in our vernacular that means a script -

I said, "If you really want to write,

"write something that is 88 pages or 888."

And I realised I had my hands on him. I set him down,

I thought probably we had lost our friendship and a week later

he said, "I don't have a place to stay, can I stay at your house?"

So he stays there for a couple of months and is writing every night.

He said, "Will you read what I wrote today?" I said, "Fuck, no."

LAUGHTER

This went on and finally he started reading to my daughter,

who is three, every night.

And finally my wife said, "Look, he's in his room,

"reading to...and he has to go."

I finally said, "You gotta go."

So away he went. He left what he had written and he went to Arizona

and was working in a Chinese restaurant.

If you've ever worked in a Chinese restaurant, washing dishes -

there's a lot of them.

And he called me and said, "Have you read what I wrote?"

I said, "No. I don't like you any more."

He said, "I'm cold and I'm working at this place and I'm having to

"kill raccoons and work at this Chinese restaurant."

And I said...

So I sent him a sleeping bag and stuff.

And he said, "Did you read it?"

Finally I read it and it was Dances With Wolves.

-Oh...

-AUDIENCE GASPS

When you have that situation,

somebody that you start with...

I was never so proud of somebody.

I said, "You did it, man, you really, really did it.

"I don't know how I'm going to do it but I'll make it into a movie."

And that was a story, actually, of a lot of my career,

-so many of those movies.

-That is amazing.

-I had to push them up to the point...

-It is extraordinary.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Did he get an Oscar as well?

-He did, he did.

To go from killing raccoons and washing dishes to winning an Oscar!

It was already amazing before the punchline.

I never help people!

LAUGHTER

No point, no point. Cut 'em off.

LAUGHTER

There is a thing in the DVD extras,

where you're directing the film,

but there's a bit where you're having to direct wolves.

-And you were having to, like, encourage the wolves.

-"Sit!"

I tell you, I remember when we got these wolves, they were real wolves,

and, I don't know, you ever think of salesmen,

like...carpet things...

-Vacuum cleaners.

-Vacuum cleaner, got it.

You're fired. You are the worst salesman ever!

You always see them they come into your house and they throw ashes,

and shit like that, and then go like that and it cleans it perfectly.

And then you call your friends, and they throw the same shit

on the floor and a stain is there.

So, when I met the guy with the wolves,

he showed me how they would behave,

he would push a button and the wolf would come over here.

But when I got out there, those wolves didn't do shit...

LAUGHTER

I was ten days over schedule,

30 days into the movie, and they said, "What are you going to do?"

I said, "I'm not going to change the namesake of the movie..."

Dances With Dogs!

LAUGHTER

Listen, when it's your money you make everything.... You make them...

They like their belly being rubbed, apparently.

-What's that?

-They like their belly being rubbed. No, it's true.

Doesn't everyone?

-But these are real wolves.

-No, the real wolves do.

My girlfriend got me a present to go with these wolves,

they weren't tame but they were socialised.

LAUGHTER

That means they just don't kill you, yet.

And they were huge. And they liked having their belly rubbed.

I've tickled a wolf's belly.

Was it the belly you were tickling?

Ooh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Animal trainer extraordinaire.

That is someone's job - inseminate... Sorry!

You really broke down that wall, of actor-director.

You were really the pioneer of that whole movement.

We would not have Ben Affleck

if it was not for the work you had done back then.

Well, thank you.

It was a highlight for me to do, and I went out there,

and I tell you what was really weird,

my parents came to watch me,

just like I did when I was a little kid, playing sports.

I used to be kind of embarrassed about it

but it was an interesting thing.

I went out there on my first day, to direct,

and my parents took a trailer all the way to South Dakota,

and my mom said, "We won't be in the way, we're not going to bother you."

And I go, "Jesus Christ, really, you're coming?"

They go, "Yes, but we're not going to bother you."

I remember my first day, going out to direct and way up on a hill,

my mom and dad set a trailer and had their two lawn chairs

and my mom went like that.

And I was walking up in front of the crew and I said...

HE MOUTHS

And, obviously, we are all Kevin Costner fans, but is it true,

the story about getting the call from Stephen Hawking?

Yeah. I got a call from this guy.

How did you know it was him?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought I knew who he was but he wanted to come and see me.

So he comes into my driveway, big van,

and they bring him out, and there's like nine people.

And he comes into my living room

and I didn't really know how to talk to him.

He has an IQ of 169 and I have a 69 IQ.

And you're trying to carry a conversation but it was difficult.

And finally, I got a little hip to everything and I said, "What's up?

"What do you want to know?"

And he goes, "Well..."

And he wanted to know about Whitney.

In The Bodyguard. And I said, "Let's talk about that."

If that's what this wants to be about, then that is what we will do.

So we talked about Whitney for a while.

And then he said he was going to go dancing.

LAUGHTER

That is one of the oddest stories we've ever had on the show

-but I love it!

-This is amazing!

-So good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is like a real chat show, like chat shows used to be.

If this was in America, we'd be dressed up as wolves,

dancing around

-for a YouTube hit the next day.

-That's quite a good idea...

Listen, Kevin, good luck with Criminal.

Thank you so much for coming to see us. Kevin Costner, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's music time.

This Grammy award-winning artist got into all our heads

with the hit single All About That Bass. Tonight she's performing

her new single No. It's Meghan Trainor, everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I think it's so cute

# And I think it's so sweet

# How you let your friends encourage you

# To try and talk to me

# But let me stop you there

# Oh, before you speak

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# My name is no

# My sign is no

# My number is no

# You need to let it go

# You need to let it go, need to let it go

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# My name is no

# My sign is no

My number is no

# You need to let it go

# You need to let it go, need to let it go

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# First you gonna say you ain't runnin' game

# Thinkin' I'm believing every word

# Call me beautiful, so original

# Telling me I'm not like other girls

# I was in my zone before you came along

# Now I'm thinking maybe you should go

# Blah, blah, blah

# I be like nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# All my ladies, listen up

# If that boy ain't giving up

# Lick your lips and swing your hips

# Girl, all you gotta say is

# My name is no

# My sign is no

# My number is no

# You need to let it go, you need to let it go

# Need to let it go

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# My name is no

# My sign is no

# My number is no

# You need to let it go, you need to let it go

# Need to let it go

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# Thank you in advance, I don't wanna dance

# I don't need your hands all over me

# If I want a man, then I'mma get a man

# But it's never my priority

# I was in my zone before you came along

# Don't want you to take this personal

# Blah, blah, blah

# I be like nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# All my ladies, listen up

# If that boy ain't giving up

# Lick your lips and swing your hips

# All you gotta say is

# My name is no

# My sign is no

# My number is no

# You need to let it go, you need to let it go

# Need to let it go

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# My name is no

# My sign is no

# My number is no

# You need to let it go, you need to let it go

# Need to let it go

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

-# I'm feeling

-Untouchable, untouchable

-# I'm feeling

-Untouchable, untouchable

-# I'm feeling

-Untouchable, untouchable

# I'm feeling

-# Untouchable, untouchable

-I'm feeling

# Untouchable, untouchable

-# Untouchable

-Untouchable, untouchable

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

-# All my ladies, listen up

-Said all my ladies

-# If that boy ain't giving up

-He ain't giving up

-# Lick your lips and swing your hips

-No, no

-# No, no

-Girl, all you gotta say is

# My name is no

# My sign is no

-# My number is no

-No, no, no, no

# You need to let it go, you need to let it go

# Need to let it go

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

# My name is no

# My sign is no

# You need to let it go, you need to let it go

-# Need to let it go

-Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

-# Untouchable, untouchable

-I'm untouchable

-# Untouchable, untouchable

-Go away, please

# Untouchable, untouchable

# Nah to the ah to the no, no, no. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Meghan Trainor, everybody! Great job!

Come and see us.

Lovely to see you.

Meghan Trainor!

Come here. Have a seat.

You sit down there, lovely.

That's Meghan Trainor, that's everybody else.

Waving, waving, waving.

Now, I have a bit of paper here. Oh, yes, I have.

-So that is the new single, No.

-Right.

-And that is out now?

-Right now.

But the album is out on May the 13th?

You can preorder and get that song and another one, what!

LAUGHTER

-She's on it.

-I'm good at this.

-Are you exhausted after that?

-Yeah, I am so not in shape.

I really didn't do anything. Hi. What's up?

-I am in shape.

-LAUGHTER

This is the shape that I like.

Yeah.

All right, that's enough of that, put it away.

Thank you very much for coming to see us. I'm sorry we can't chat more

but we are out of time. It has been an epic chat tonight.

That is it, I'm afraid. No time for red chairs, either.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-Shut up!

That's mainly why we come on!

"We didn't want to see them,

"we wanted to see a woman from Slough in a chair!"

LAUGHTER

Please say a huge thank you to my guests -

Meghan Trainor...

Ricky Gervais...

Eric Bana...

Ewan McGregor...

Dame Helen Mirren

and Kevin Costner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with Eurovision hopefuls Joe and Jake,

actress Keeley Hawes, the charming Hugh Grant

and the great Meryl Streep. I will see you then.

Good night, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE