Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, we have the great Meryl Streep on the show.

One of the world's greatest actresses,

she can transform herself into anyone.

And here she is sitting beside me,

playing an actual member of the audience.

Meryl, you're extraordinary.

You've got it so well. The lifeless eyes.

The sense of hopelessness.

The sad posture. The clothes are so good.

They're brilliant, brilliant, really, really excellent.

Oh, there you are! Let's start the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, oh, oh!

Hello! Hello!

Good evening, welcome to you all.

You're very kind.

We have got a great show for you tonight.

-Everyone excited? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Hey! I have a trio of amazing guests on my sofa tonight.

Imagine that!

A celebrity threesome we are allowed to talk about.

LAUGHTER

It's been a week of sex scandals. It has!

Did you see the story about John Whittingdale, the Conservative MP

who unknowingly had a relationship with a sex worker?

See that? There's John, there, squeezed into an Escort.

Although he didn't realise it was an Escort at the time.

He thought it was a Subaru.

There is talk he may have the whip withdrawn.

How it got up there, I don't know!

Let's get some guests on.

Later, we'll have music

from Eurovision hopefuls Joe and Jake. Yes, we will.

But first, she's one of the hottest actors on telly,

starring in hits from Spooks and Ashes To Ashes,

to the brilliant Line Of Duty.

Now she's playing a Brit abroad in the family drama The Durrells.

It's Keeley Hawes, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Lovely to see you.

Come in, sit down. Champagne awaits.

As the undisputed king of rom-com,

he's shared the screen with Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock,

Julianne Moore and Renee Zellweger.

Now he's starring with Meryl Streep in Florence Foster Jenkins.

Please welcome the charming, the witty, the handsome Hugh Grant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, sir, very nice to see you.

Really good to see you, come in, sit down, sit down.

And she is without doubt one of the world's greatest actors,

winning the Oscar for her roles in Kramer Vs Kramer,

Sophie's Choice and The Iron Lady.

It's an honour to welcome back Meryl Streep, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Hello!

Lovely to see you.

Sit down, do!

Hi, hi, hi!

I told you it was a good one.

Well done, you. Well done, well done!

First time for Keeley.

-Very warm welcome to you.

-Thank you, thank you.

And welcome back to you and Meryl. Nice to see you.

You are here promoting the film, but you have spent time in London.

Were you here as a backpacker before you were Meryl Streep?

Oh, yes.

I struggle to remember when that was.

-I think it was 1971.

-Wow.

I stayed in Bethnal Green.

CHEERING

There is going to be a blue plaque before morning.

What did you do?

Well, I was so thrilled because it was really cheap to stay there

at this little bed and breakfast.

And I had no money.

But breakfast was included, and it came down and it was huge.

-I had never had an English breakfast, you know.

-Yeah.

And I ate everything because I was starving.

I asked what the little black thing was on the side

and they said it was blood sausage, or something.

-Black pudding.

-Black pudding, made of blood!

-That's right.

-So I went straight to the loo and lost it.

Hugh Grant, you have never been backpacking, have you?

Don't be absurd!

LAUGHTER

We were hoping for an amusing camping story, but no.

I have heard of it. But I...

Is it when you put a pack on your back?

Of course I did.

I trolled around Europe between school and university.

-Right.

-I hung out with a bunch of girls

who thought it was amusing to paint my toenails red.

And then I stayed in a hostel.

They were divided, in those days, and it was all men.

I remember having to go round the showers with my red toenails

with all these quite butch Aussie and American backpackers.

A dodgy moment.

Keeley Hawes, I would say, yes, you have backpacked.

-No, I haven't.

-Have you never?

-Never.

But I would if Meryl asked me.

Is that because you are one of those people

who just started working immediately?

I did. Immediately. When I was nine.

Straight out to work. Yeah.

Meryl, have you watched any British television?

I am addicted to everything where they do real estate.

-Grand Designs, something with a hammer.

-Under The Hammer. Yeah.

I love that. And also, Come Dine With Me.

It's the best, fabulous.

The couples one, I was watching today.

You have missed some quality drama. Line Of Duty is on at the moment!

Line Of Duty is a fantastic show.

You coming back into it, everyone thought you had gone.

-Including me.

-How did they keep that a secret?

Because it's impossible to keep secrets.

I know. In this day and age, with the internet,

everything sort of gets spoiled.

And it really didn't, and so I came back into this show,

that you will now watch!

And it was a huge surprise. I think people responded really well.

People loved it, it was...

I don't know you very well, Keeley Hawes,

but you seem like the kind of woman

-who would find it very hard to keep a secret.

-Do I?

You are drinking, that's all I'm saying. You're drinking.

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, I'm in Line Of Duty! Yeah!"

People kept asking me if I was coming back

and I was lying very badly to their faces.

And I felt awful about it.

But quite pleased!

You and Meryl, together in a film at last.

Did either of you dream this moment would come?

No, I always thought I was too old.

-Oh, stop it!

-But he got older.

-LAUGHTER

I am the toy boy!

Hugh Grant, every time you are on the show

you say you are going to retire,

never going to make another film, this is the last one.

So how did they coax you onto the set for this?

Well, I have been doing all this Hacked Off stuff,

and Stephen Frears, who directed this film, is a very nice supporter.

And he comes to our parties and he would say, "Let's do a film."

I said, "No, no, show business is in my past."

And then suddenly he sent me this script which was classy.

I mean, I don't do classy films. This was classy.

Meryl Streep, Stephen Frears, who wins Oscars,

and rather a good part, a nuanced part.

You know, with three dimensions.

And you are really good in it. You know...

That is what I was prompting you to say.

You know you are good in it! You must watch and think,

-"Oh, I'm rather good in this!"

-I am less bad than normal.

Oh, shut up!

Meryl and Hugh bring us such a funny, charming, sweet film.

Florence Foster Jenkins, it opens on May the 6th.

Meryl, you are Florence Foster Jenkins,

who I was aware of,

but I always thought she was turn-of-the-century.

-But she was 1944.

-The film takes place in 1944, yes.

She was a society lady at that time,

in the '20s, '30s, and '40s, and she was a club woman,

and she gave lots of money away to charitable organisations,

mostly musical societies.

But she wanted to be a singer all her life,

and she was a terrible singer. Opera.

But she had enough money that she could inflict it

on her friends and club ladies.

As long as she kept it in the club it was fine,

but one night she hired Carnegie Hall. And...

And you play the very supportive husband, Sinclair Bayfield,

it is a very lovely relationship, because you know her secret.

Yes, I know she is not just bad, she's appalling.

Because I love her, and also because I have no life

without this millionairess, my character is a sad, failed actor

with nothing outside this strange little charmed, deluded world

of Florence Foster Jenkins and her musical societies.

So yes, I spend my life keeping people who are going to laugh at her

or give her a bad review, away.

Her recordings are very famous in the United States.

-I don't know if they know about them here.

-No, I think they do.

They are the most bought records from Carnegie Hall concerts ever,

because they are sort of guaranteed funny.

I want to have them at my funeral.

-Have you ever heard these recordings?

-I have.

We've got a clip, so here we go.

TUNELESS VOCAL EXERCISES

PIANO CHIMES HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING

GRAHAM LAUGHS

PIANO CRESCENDO

Wahey! APPLAUSE

Well done, that woman.

It is sort of heartbreaking that her dream came true.

That she is more well remembered

than very famous opera singers of the time.

True. Yes, more requested than the Callas programme.

But, you know, it is partly because she was really bad.

But also, you can hear in the recording,

you can hear her aspiration,

her trying to be good and her delight in giving it.

I mean, she really was trying to express herself.

And the thing that is great about it is that it is almost OK.

Enough that you kind of are on the edge of your seat.

She might make it to the end of a phrase.

Then it all goes south.

Let's watch a clip.

This is yourself, Meryl, and Hugh,

returning from an evening of music at the Carnegie Hall.

Did you see Carlo Edwards in the Met?

-No.

-He was seated to our right.

-I gather he is coaching again.

-Oh, is he now?

Well, I would like to take more lessons with him.

Then I shall phone him first thing in the morning.

I shall need a pianist.

-Yes.

-Someone young, someone with passion.

HE PLAYS FURIOUSLY

Oh, my head!

Is he not passionate enough?

He is raping my ears. Make him stop!

Thank you!

Thank you very much, Mr Ziegler.

Thank you, Mr Ziegler!

-STOPS PLAYING ABRUPTLY

-Very good, we will be in touch.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We know that Meryl Streep can sing.

Into The Woods, Mamma Mia! You've sung in more films...

Lately, yes. Won't shut up, yes!

Is this harder to do,

being a good singer,

or are you just hitting the wrong note?

Have you just learnt a different song?

Yeah, you... I did feel... I didn't know these arias.

She tackled the toughest arias in the coloratura canon.

You know, she aimed high.

And she actually could sing an F above high C, if you know that.

It is a very stratospheric sound.

And she could hit it and I really couldn't.

So I tried to come up to Florence Foster Jenkins.

The rest of her singing,

she would meander off the track often.

But, yes, I tried to learn to sing them as well as I could

-and then screw around with them.

-SHE WARBLES

LAUGHTER

-I can pull them out at a party now.

-Can you really?

-No.

Oh, OK. LAUGHTER

Oh, she can.

Full of drink.

Actors go to all the bother of learning these things

and then it is gone.

But it is fantastic to be able to... Don't you?

It is one of the perks of the job,

things that you never would even consider.

You also learn what you never want to do again.

Like riding a horse. What is all that about?

I have never been so miserable as when I had to ride a bloody horse.

I was a highwayman, a really bad one.

When I am very self-conscious in a role,

my voice goes very high.

And I would leap out of bushes and say...

-HE SQUEALS:

-.."stand and deliver".

And I was always on this horse,

and the thing with horses, they stop very suddenly,

and it is very uncomfortable for a gentleman.

Splits your cluster.

Keeley, I did not know this about you,

now, I don't know... Hugh, do you play Tomb Raider at all?

-Don't be ridiculous. No, no.

-I thought you might!

-But I like the girl in it.

-Lara Croft.

-Yes, the shorts.

-Have you played Tomb Raider? Meryl?

-What?

-Tomb Raider?

I don't even know what you are talking about.

OK! Well, shut your eyes, Hugh Grant,

because the voice of Lara Croft is sitting beside you.

-Well, that's not...

-That's the voice!

-That's the game.

-Oh!

-Yes!

-Ha-ha!

The voice of Lara Croft is Keeley Hawes.

Now, apparently this got confusing for your son.

It did, when I first started doing it, my son...

who will kill me, after this talk!

My son, who is now 15, but was quite little,

he could never get past the first stage.

He just made her run around and sort of swim and rock climb,

and things, and she wears these shorts.

And so he was doing that and he came running in,

and I said, "How is it going? Are you enjoying it?"

He said, "I like the way the lady runs."

LAUGHTER

The lady with my...with Mummy's voice!

It was a bit, you know...

Did you then ban him from playing that game?

-Yes, I did!

-Yes, you did!

But I have spoken to people who have done this,

it's not as simple... You don't just say the lines.

-I mean, it takes hours and hours, doesn't it?

-Hours and hours.

Don't you have to make every little noise

-she might conceivably make?

-Yeah.

A person, let's call them a "fan",

has put together, seriously, every noise you make...

-Not every noise!

-LAUGHTER

I beg to differ!

I think we are about to hear every noise you make.

It takes a little while.

You can shut your eyes, Hugh, you'll enjoy this.

This is the vocal stylings of Keeley Hawes as Lara Croft.

HEAVY BREATHING

Somebody has taken the time to put this together!

SCREAMING

That is falling off a cliff.

MORE SCREAMING There's a really long one in a second!

MORE SCREAMING

CLEARING THROAT

DEEP SIGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

ORGASMIC SCREAMS

-REPETITIVE GRUNTS

-They've joined them up!

-MORE GRUNTING

-That's quite good! That's kicking!

-RAPID GRUNTING

-I don't know what this is!

She's done! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Excellent work.

-Thank you.

-Excellent work!

Going back to the film, it is so adorable,

the way the husband keeps her kind of cocooned in her own self-belief,

he pays off critics and protects her from reviews and stuff,

and you just think, you couldn't do that now,

because Florence would just go online,

scroll to the comments and never sing again.

We have all done that. How do we get up in the morning?

Have you googled "Meryl Streep"?

I did when they first invented Google and never again.

-The haters had got there first!

-They were there, ready and waiting!

Hugh, you go on Twitter, you actually tweet.

And people must tweet you back, and you see them.

-I get trolled back, yes.

-Yes.

And I have to say, I think the British

should be very proud of their trolling.

It is very high quality. We should have a Troll of the Year show.

What is the worst thing you have had?

Oh, God. They are mostly unrepeatable,

but one the other day said, "Hugh Grant now looks like a scrotum."

-That's rather good.

-LAUGHTER

I wish mine did! That's a compliment!

But it is that thing, though, when you love someone,

you do want to either protect them or impress them.

You want to be your best possible.

Keeley Hawes, you are married to Matthew Macfadyen.

When you were dating,

-you did try to enhance who Keeley Hawes is/was.

-Yes.

What did you lie about?

Well, we were chatting away one day and he said something about tennis.

And I went along with this conversation about tennis

and started talking about how I was quite good at tennis, too.

I grew up, you know, on a council flat with "no ball games", above!

I had never been anywhere near a tennis racket.

So I took myself off for lessons

because he had sort of arranged this game of tennis,

and so I was going to turn up and, you know, be humiliated.

So, yeah, I went and had a few lessons.

Did you lie about skiing as well?

I lied about skiing... I lied about cooking, that was good.

-Because he is an excellent cook.

-Can I just stop you there?

If somebody is an excellent cook, let them!

-LAUGHTER

-Absolutely!

-Well, I was trying to impress him.

-What did you cook him?

Well, I went to a Tesco Metro.

And I got one of those, I don't even know what it was...

Tesco Select.

..a pepper type thing, and I made the flat very dark

and lit some candles

and sort of shoved it in the microwave and got it out

with none of the apparatus to prove that I had cooked...

I don't know what I thought I was doing.

Made it very dark, and he was eating it and saying, "What's in this?"

I was going... "Um, well, you know, beef and peppers..."

It was awful. Then the lights went on and then it all...

The ski lie is quite a common one, though.

I had a girl I knew who did the same lie that you did about tennis

about skiing with this boy she really fancied.

He said, "Do you want to come skiing?" She didn't ski at all

but for some reason, she said yes. Turned up on the slopes,

didn't really know what she was doing at all.

The first thing she told him she needed was a pee,

and she didn't really know what was happening.

She asked somebody, and they said, "Go off the side of the piste

"into the woods and take your trousers down, have a pee."

So she did that and halfway through the pee,

she lost control of her skis and came...

LAUGHTER

..back out onto the piste, still crouching and still peeing.

LAUGHTER

That has to be a low moment.

APPLAUSE

Now, Hugh Grant, when you talk about your co-stars, you're quite open

about talking about your co-stars. I don't know if you remember,

you gave an interview to Elle magazine and they asked you

about your various leading ladies.

Do you remember some of the things you said about them?

I think it was regrettable.

LAUGHTER

Well, Emma Thompson - "Clever, funny, mad as a chair."

-Well, that's true. You know Emma.

-Yes, in fairness.

And quite a mad chair.

Renee Zellweger - "Delightful, also far from sane."

Fair.

LAUGHTER

She is genuinely lovely, but her e-mails are 48 pages long.

Wow.

You can't understand a word of them.

-I'll put them on Twitter.

-Do!

Sandra Bullock is "a genius at German but too many dogs."

Way too many dogs.

Then we get into a run of these.

Julianne Moore - "Brilliant actress, loathes me."

Yes.

-Rachel Weisz - "Clever, beautiful, despises me."

-Yes, yes.

Drew Barrymore - "Made her cry, hates me."

-That can't be true.

-No, no, no!

Um...

Julianne definitely hates me.

Rachel Weisz, I think we got on fine. I don't know why I said that.

Maybe I was going for a comedy triple.

LAUGHTER

Who was the third one?

Drew Barrymore.

She made the mistake of giving me notes.

How would you take that? When you're acting with someone and they...

I took them very well, didn't I?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wowza!

-They believed you!

-I'm kidding. No, no, I'm joking!

Because... Meryl, I've heard you speaking about how

you are now sort of aware of the effect you have on a cast.

Oh, yeah. I heard you say you were terrified.

You weren't really terrified because the first day I worked with you,

-I forgot my lines.

-I loved that!

That was the highlight of my year.

But here is an interesting question I meant to ask you all these months,

and never dared - are you ever nervous? Were you ever nervous?

-You did ask me that.

-Did I? What was your answer?

Every day, you asked me that.

-HUGH GRANT VOICE:

-"I'm so nervous! Aren't you nervous?" "No!"

The second week, I'm not nervous, obviously, but when we got up

-at Carnegie Hall, I was shaking.

-Yeah.

-It was terrifying.

And that was late in the shoot, and when I had to...

You know... The end, when I...

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

-I was very nervous about that.

Well, that's not easy.

LAUGHTER

No, I get nervous. I get nervous on chat shows.

-Chat shows are hard.

-Oh, stop it!

You're a genius. I don't know how you do it.

You put the most uptight people relaxed, but it is tough.

But you ARE all relaxed, you're nice.

I'm really uptight still.

LAUGHTER

-You haven't moved, I know.

-But the thing is...

You can sort of relate to, I guess, people's reaction to you

because when you started out, you must have had that reaction to...

I did. I did.

The first famous person I knew was Al Pacino.

I didn't work with him, but he came over to the house for dinner.

He was a friend of my boyfriend.

I was cooking... Why?

I cooked spaghetti.

LAUGHTER

I cooked home-made spaghetti sauce.

Somebody had told me once to put a carrot in the sauce.

Oh, it was awful.

I just remember stirring it

and, for some reason, my lip going like this.

I wasn't saying anything. I was just going...

I was so nervous because he was so famous, but, you know...

-You should have just gone to Tesco Metro.

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

-Did he bitch about the carrot?

-No!

-OK, OK.

I just knew it wasn't any good.

It is that thing that, every time we see Meryl Streep in a film,

it becomes kind of ridiculous, but you are brilliant in them all.

Have you got performances that you watch back or remember

where you think, "Actually, I was a bit pants in that," or...?

-Oh, yeah.

-What?

I'm not going to tell you.

-Oh, come on!

-Oh, my God!

Let's guess!

No, that was a bad...

LAUGHTER

-No, you won't guess.

-That's a bad game.

No, I know, that's a bad game. But you won't guess

because I have just collected a lot of awards for that film but... No.

LAUGHTER

So it's one of your big successes and you think...?

Well, I wouldn't say it was successful.

It was, um...venerated. Yeah.

-Ha-ha!

-Ooh!

I'll get it out of her.

I'll tell you. It was The French Lieutenant's Woman.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Part of it was in...

I'm giving myself an out, but part of it was the structure of it.

It was sort of artificial,

because I was the actress playing the French Lieutenant's woman.

At the same time, I was an American actress playing the British woman.

And I hear it now.

I was young and new at this. And I just didn't...

I wasn't as pleased as...

I didn't feel like I was living it.

I didn't feel I imbued...

THEY LAUGH

..the angel of inspiration with the whatever it was.

That's a line from the movie.

But, yeah. We always feel,

you always want to do something better after the fact

but, you know...

But there must be ones also where you think, "Nailed it!"

LAUGHTER

This, you nailed. This, you nailed.

-You both do.

-We were happy.

-Terrific in it.

Now, Keeley, as I was saying, very busy actress.

May 7th, you'll be on BBC Two

in such a starry Shakespeare adaptation, The Hollow Crown.

-Hollow Crown, yeah.

-There's you and Dame Judi Dench,

who unfortunately has put some leggings on her head.

I don't quite know why.

LAUGHTER

Terrible wardrobe malfunction.

So it's you, Judi Dench, Benedict Cumberbatch is in it?

Yes, yes, lovely Benedict.

-Love the red.

-Yes! Very red!

-Oh! There he is.

-That was scary.

That was terrifying because I had somehow got to the age of 38

and never done Shakespeare, ever.

And...you know, this...

I don't know, if you're going to do it, you might as well,

and you're given the opportunity,

but to arrive on your first day on set and immediately have a scene

with one of the greatest ever Shakespearean actors, Judi Dench,

-is a bit, you know...

-Yeah.

SHE WHIMPERS

Does she give notes?

Oh, I'd take them!

LAUGHTER

She is absolute heaven. She's just wonderful.

And apparently you had quite a surreal evening

-with Judi and Benedict in the pub.

-We did, we did.

We were in the middle of nowhere.

We had amazing locations and we were in this pub having a bit of supper

and Benedict came in and Judi was there and Judi's lovely friend.

We all sat and the door to the little hall joining the pub

kept opening and people had clocked, "Oh, there's Judi"

and this was a big event.

And then a girl came in. She was 16 and she came in

and started to cry, sobbing, sobbing.

It turned out that she was having, in the hall next door,

in the middle of nowhere,

a Benedict Cumberbatch themed birthday party.

LAUGHTER

With a cake with Ben's face on it,

and there he was.

So yeah, that was surreal. With Judi Dench as a sort of side note!

It was quite extraordinary. It was a wonderful thing to see.

Of course, he was brilliant, because he's lovely,

and suddenly it was... it was just amazing.

Isn't that terrible? Her life has peaked at 16!

It will never be better than that.

"Do you remember the year when...?"

We must mention big, big ITV hit, The Durrells,

continues on Sunday night at 8pm.

This has been huge, it's the big Sunday night thing.

I'm so relieved. I probably shouldn't say that.

You never know when you make something

how it's going to turn out and what people are going to think.

But already, I think they've just announced,

-haven't they, more?

-They have.

We were told today, the first two episodes have gone out

and the third one's this Sunday night,

and they have commissioned the next series, so back to Corfu.

-Excellent!

-It's a hard, tough gig...

-No, that is...

-But someone has to do it.

That is one of those jobs where it's like, I was saying to you,

-it's like Death In Paradise or Indian Summers.

-Yeah.

-Where it's just like winning the lottery, isn't it?

-Basically, yes.

But getting bitten by mosquitoes.

-Oh!

-Which is a very small price to pay.

-Yeah, really, really, shut up.

-Sorry, I'll take that back!

-"Shut up."

-No patience.

LAUGHTER

Here is a clip. This is from Sunday's episode.

This is you as Louisa Durrell

with a potential love interest on t'island.

ACCORDION PLAYS

Hello, Sven.

Louisa.

I wanted to apologise for offering to pay for Larry's operation.

You were just being British.

You don't like being in anyone's debt.

Are you so different in Sweden?

I don't know. I'm getting less Swedish every year.

Think I'm down to 38%.

But I like the Greeks, their honesty.

Mm. I wouldn't mind a bit of Greek in me.

Stop it!

APPLAUSE

Right, it's music time.

On the 14th May in Stockholm,

this duo will carry the hopes of a nation

to the Eurovision Song Contest.

Performing You're Not Alone, it's willkommen and bienvenue

to Joe and Jake!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Heartbeat

# When you're not around it's beating slow

# And it's something that I've never known

# Oh-ooh oh

# I'll be

# I'll be the answer you've been waiting for

-BOTH:

-# I'll be the truth that you've been looking for

# Oh-ooh oh

# You're not alone, we're in this together

# All that you want is right here forever

# And they don't need to know, oh-oh-oh

# They don't need to know

# You're not alone, we're in this together

# All that you want, I'm right here forever

# And they don't need to know, oh-oh-oh

# And they don't need to know

# You're free

# Free to let go cos I'll be here for you

# And when you fall I'll be your parachute

# Oh-ooh oh

# I-I-I feel like I'm dancing in the sky, I-I

# I come alive when I'm with you

# I come alive when I'm with you

# You're not alone, we're in this together

# All that you want is right here forever

# And they don't need to know, oh-oh-oh

# They don't need to know

# I-I-I feel like I'm dancing in the sky, I-I

# I come alive when I'm with you

# I come alive when I'm with you

# Don't speak

# Your smile tells me all I need to know

# Your eyes show me where I want to go

# Oh-ooh oh

# You're not alone, we're in this together

# All that you want is right here forever

# And they don't need to know o-oh oh oh oh

# They don't need to know

# I-I-I feel like I'm dancing in the sky, I-I

# I come alive when I'm with you

# I come alive when I'm with you. #

APPLAUSE

Oh!

Joe and Jake, everybody!

Great job, boys. Come join me, do.

Well done. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Come and sit down.

Sit down there, do sit down.

-Joe and Jake.

-Lovely to meet you, how are you?

-Other people.

Well done. Well done.

-It's a lovely song. Congratulations.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

It's out now as a single, isn't it, You're Not Alone?

-TOGETHER:

-It is indeed, it's available now.

-Oh! You see this?

-You see how synchronistic we are?

Wouldn't it be lovely if people bought it?

Imagine if it was in the charts when you headed off to Stockholm.

It would be fantastic. What we're doing right now

is literally living our dream. We've signed to Sony,

we're two young lads having fun, representing the UK,

-we're just so proud.

-What more could you ask for?

-Exactly.

Well, let's think...

LAUGHTER

-I am sure we could find something.

-Talking about Eurovision,

our American visitor, do you know what Eurovision is?

-Yes.

-Oh!

-Of course I do!

-Is that because of the ABBA connection?

-Yeah.

Because I knew that ABBA was discovered there.

And Hugh has a Eurovision party every year, I believe.

I do. I do.

It's called Nul Points.

-I always go as Sandie Shaw.

-Of course.

-Yes.

-Puppet On A String.

-One of the best.

Sometimes I'm the puppet, sometimes I'm her.

LAUGHTER

Keeley Hawes, it means nothing to you, does it?

It doesn't mean very much, no. Bucks Fizz was my moment.

Now it's time to get back involved.

-You've met these boys, you're emotionally invested.

-I am, I am.

Now, here's the thing. You've been... Where have you been now?

-In Israel or somewhere?

-Yeah.

-We got back from Israel last night.

-OK.

Singing at the Eurovision parties, we met the other contestants,

-which was great, so...

-Who have you met?

-We've met...

-Belarus.

-Yeah, Belarus.

-Is that Ivan?

-It was Ivan.

OK. This is good. Here is a picture of Ivan.

Oh!

He didn't look like that when we met him.

LAUGHTER

Can I just say, I just got the worst fright.

That is in fact the wolf's tail hanging down.

LAUGHTER

I had the same reaction.

I was thinking, my God, that wolf is quite the goer!

It's certainly putting Ivan to shame.

There's nothing hanging down there.

I did ask about that, actually.

I asked him if he was going to wear a skin-coloured body suit

or if he was going to have a leaf, but it turns out no.

-This is the act?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Not... This is the UK act.

-No, I understand!

-Yes!

-He's from Belarus.

-Yeah.

-It's far away.

I have high hopes for Serhat from San Marino.

Here's Serhat, reclining in the finest hotel in San Marino.

-He hasn't got his monocle.

-Oh, does he normally have a monocle?

Usually he has a monocle.

To be honest, if you don't win now, it's shameful!

LAUGHTER

I'll have to take that one with me.

Yes, you can't come home if you don't win.

I am concerned, because how do you think

the EU referendum is going to affect your performance on the night?

Um...

I think we're just going to stay away from that!

-No, but I worry.

-I think it's one of those.

Because we're having this big referendum.

This happens before the referendum.

If Europe isn't good to our boys...

Brexit guaranteed.

-There's no pressure, obviously.

-No pressure!

-No pressure whatsoever.

-It's just the future of the country.

-We'll do our best.

What about the staging? Have you got all that sorted?

We've been talking about it because the song is about friendship

and people being together.

We really want the public to be a part of our staging this year,

so our idea is that people can send in selfies to be

part of the staging, and we were hoping we could potentially

-get one with you here.

-A selfie with me?

-Yeah.

-Right now?

How big is your arm?

I've got a great selfie arm.

I've practised a few times.

If you sat on the floor there, and I go back there,

-you could get everybody in.

-That would be brilliant.

-If that's OK with you guys?

-Do you mind? Is that OK?

-If you sit on the floor...

-I'll sit on the floor.

-You, too.

-I also sit on the floor?

-Yeah.

See if you can get all of us in.

-Ready?

-Hang on.

Hang on. Are we all in?

Yes, there's Keeley. I can see us all.

-This is good. This is good.

-This is brilliant.

-There we go.

-Look at that.

We're all going to Eurovision!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're all going to Eurovision! Excellent.

It is May 14th.

It will obviously be on BBC One.

The best of luck to Joe and Jake, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do us proud.

Do us proud but not too proud. Don't win, just do very well.

-We don't want to shock everyone!

-Nobody wants to win.

Cos then you have to host it.

-MERYL:

-Oh!

And the quarantine for wolves is very...

LAUGHTER

Right, before we go, just time for a quick visit to the Big Red Chair.

Who's there? Hello!

-DEEP VOICE:

-Hi.

LAUGHTER

It's like someone is operating you.

That voice didn't seem to come out of him, did it?

-What's your name?

-Andrew.

-Andrew? Lovely.

And what do you do, Andrew?

-I'm an accountant.

-Right, but it's dress down Friday! OK.

Where do you live, Andrew?

I live in London.

OK, just keeping it vague.

He lives in the capital city of the United Kingdom.

"Doin' some accounts. That's what I do."

Off you go, Andrew, with your story.

Yeah, so this is a story about a second date.

-I was lucky enough to bag a second date.

-Well done!

-And I was understandably nervous...

-Yes.

-..but excited.

I wanted to impress her,

so I organised to meet after work at a cocktail bar,

two for one, just very classy.

LAUGHTER

-So...

-You are an accountant after all.

You did the sums before you went!

Yes, so I...

Nervous, and obviously turned to drink for a bit of Dutch courage.

I had a show booked. It was all going well,

the chat was flowing, things were going really, really well.

-You know, really liked her.

-OK, yes, yes!

And I started to realise that I was... I felt so ill.

Oh, no! You didn't! Did you?

We were still chatting the whole way and I suddenly went silent.

I didn't say anything to her, I just ran off

and just threw up everywhere.

I'd basically given up and I realised she was behind me

watching me do this the whole time.

-Oh!

-And luckily, she still kissed me afterwards.

-Oh! MERYL:

-God!

You say luckily. Jesus!

What's wrong with her?

I thought the story might end, "But she agreed to be my wife."

-Are you still dating her?

-Yes, she's in the audience, actually.

I don't want to see her.

APPLAUSE

Don't look over there.

Oh, my God, there she is! That's her.

Don't wave!

Wow, that's a good top if he gets sick again tonight.

Let's see what else is in the chair.

Hello.

Hi!

Oh, I can't. I just...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know, some nights you've got the patience.

Some nights, you just don't.

Time for one more. Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello!

-Hello.

Oh, we do have time for one more.

LAUGHTER

Hello, what's your name?

-It's Tim.

-Hello, Tim. And what do you do?

I'm a teacher.

What age of children do you teach?

-I teach adults.

-Oh, right! What do you teach them?

How to be accountants.

LAUGHTER

-There seems to be a recurring theme.

-Wow.

Is there like a coach trip?

LAUGHTER

OK, Tim, off you go with the story.

When I was ten years old,

I was reading a book about a woman who walked across Africa

and it featured the word "masturbate",

which I had never heard before.

So I went to ask my dad what it meant.

He spent about 15 minutes being very vague and winking at me and saying,

"It's all about spending time alone and enjoying time with yourself."

So I thought, "OK, great,

"I've learned a new word for when I'm reading my book

"or playing my computer game."

So I went to school the next day

and the teacher said, "What did you do last night?"

And I gleefully said, "I spent two hours masturbating."

LAUGHTER

That's a good story.

Tim can walk. You can walk, Tim.

Well done, everyone!

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in the red chair,

you can contact us via our website at this very address.

That's it for tonight.

Please join me in saying a huge thank you to my guests.

Joe and Jake, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good luck, boys. Keeley Hawes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hugh Grant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Meryl Streep.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join me next week with music from DNCE,

Game of Thrones' Richard Madden, Downton's Lily James,

Bake Off's Paul Hollywood, and the one and only Dame Joan Collins.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody. Bye-bye!