Episode 5 The Graham Norton Show

On tonight's show, I'm excited, cos I hear Hollywood's come a-calling.

I wonder who... Sorry?

Oh...

LAUGHTER

I made you a cake.

Hey, let's start the show, then!

CHEERING

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Thank you so much!

Thank you very much!

Thank you, you're very kind. Too kind.

Too kind. Thank you.

Thank you. That is a lovely welcome, and in return,

we've got a great show for you tonight,

but before we do another thing, I think we'd all like to say

a big happy birthday to Her Majesty.

90 years old yesterday. Happy birthday to her. Round of applause.

CHEERING

Very nice.

She was very lucky.

She's actually having two parties - one for the family,

and one for the commoners.

Or, as they're also known, the Middletons.

LAUGHTER

The, er...

I believe we've got a picture of the Queen cutting her surprise

birthday cake.

Aw...

Yeah, Camilla was in charge of the surprise bit.

LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on!

Later, we'll have music from DMCE.

But first, he's the star of the biggest TV hit of recent years,

with 15 million people watching the final of the Great British Bake Off.

Please welcome master baker extraordinaire,

Paul Hollywood, everybody!

CHEERING

Oh, so suave!

Hello, sir. Very nice to see you.

Welcome, welcome, have a seat. There's your wine.

From Downton Abbey to War and Peace,

and her standout performance as Cinderella,

she's one of the brightest young stars in Britain, now

taking to the West End stage as Shakespeare's Juliet,

it's Lily James, everybody!

CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-I'm good.

-So nice to see you.

-Nice to see you too.

-Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

-Paul, Lily.

Since his bloody end as Robb Stark in Game of Thrones,

he's played Prince Charming to Lily's Cinderella,

and now Romeo to her Juliet.

Please welcome Mr Richard Madden.

CHEERING

Hey! Hello!

Have a seat too, Richard Madden.

And this lady is an actress, a writer, a style icon,

and a legendary Dynasty diva. It's a pleasure to welcome back to the show

Dame Joan Collins, everybody.

CHEERING

Welcome, darling. How are you?

I'm great.

So nice to see you.

Nice to see you too.

We're going to sit down, oh!

-That is a stylish, beautiful sofa right there.

-Yes.

-Oh, the glamour!

-All in black.

-Yes, I know, it's very stylish.

-Yeah, black is the new orange.

LAUGHTER

Not on this set. Now, er...

Very nice to see you all. Welcome back.

The first time for Lily and Richard, so thank you very much.

And, of course, now I get to say DAME Joan Collins.

I know. Isn't it amazing?

Because it's so new and it sounds so right.

Well, it's so amazing to hear it from you

because I've just come back from America and Australia

and Peru, where nobody knows what that means, Dame Joan.

So I'm just Joan or Miss Collins.

-Don't you insist?

-No.

I'm not the certain actor that we all know.

But it must have been a lovely day.

It was fantastic.

Honestly, Graham, it was, like, the greatest day of my life.

Really extraordinary because...

First of all, to receive it is a great honour

and Prince Charles came and pinned it on me and said, very

nicely I thought, "About time too," which I thought was just stunning.

And then I had a wonderful party that night at Claridge's

with 120 of my closest friends.

LAUGHTER

My sister had flown in, and my brother and all my friends

and my children, it was wonderful.

Aw, what a lovely, lovely thing. Honestly, I'm so pleased for you.

Congratulations. It's very nice.

APPLAUSE

Look, here's the thing, cos Lily and Richard,

-you're about to be Romeo and Juliet on the West End stage.

-Yes.

But previously, Prince Charming

and Cinderella in the big Disney live action remake.

And Lily James, as beautiful as you looked as Cinderella...

Well, as beautiful as you are, but in Cinderella,

the corsets in Cinderella are, like, that must be properly painful.

Because that isn't your shape.

Well, it's... No, I mean, it's drawn in with very tight things.

-Your shape is close to it.

-Yeah, but you're very slim.

-Yeah, very slim.

-Yeah.

-But what happens when you try to eat with that on?

LAUGHTER

Well, I mean, I drank a lot of...

Cos it's long, long hours, I was trying to keep myself awake.

I drank quite a lot of Coke

and so I was burping a lot in the corset, wasn't I?

Yeah, but you learned your lesson the hard way after the first

couple of night shoots we did, where you would over-eagerly eat

and then, like, it was shut down the set for a while,

while Lily's like, "Oh, God, get it off."

The food's like here and it just can't go down.

I used to just really loosen it at lunch,

cos he's the one that has to bear the brunt of, you know...

I thought you looked fantastic.

But your dress was constraining but oddly Prince Charming's

costume was quite constraining as well, wasn't it?

-You looked good too.

-Thanks.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it was very constraining.

In ways I'd not imagined.

LAUGHTER

Because it was a Disney thing, wasn't it?

It was a Disney thing and it's kind of... Oh, here we go.

I know.

Yeah, no.

It's Disney and I'm in skin-tight,

quite thin, white trousers or maybe some people would say leggings.

I don't like to use that word.

And, er... And they can be very revealing.

-Of course.

-So we spent a couple of days trying out different, er...

LAUGHTER

Erm, trying out different jockstraps.

I feel so dirty even saying this story.

And a couple of days trying out these,

and then once standing with Sir Kenneth Branagh

and Sandy Powell, this Oscar-winning costume designer

and trying on these things,

and everyone's just kind of looking at you to see what they can

and can't see under the light, and then

we tried out the latest one, which was just basically a corset for men.

It was really, really tight and we tried it and they're going,

"Ooh, yes, ooh, this works. Mm-hm. Great,"

and chatting amongst themselves,

and they turned away and Sandy turned to me

and I was, like, tears welling in my eyes, going, "I'm going to be sick.

"Please let's get it off!"

And they had to run and take it off, and that one didn't get used.

-No, but in the publicity... Like, is Lily's hand there?

-Strategically?

Strategically, yeah.

Through all the shots, it seems to be, you're like a pregnant woman.

-Yeah.

-You know, there's always something covering your crotch.

If it's not an arm, it's a dress or something.

-There was enough dress to hide anyway.

-Yeah.

I did an episode of Batman once and Adam West,

who played Batman, told me that they had to take certain pills,

because they were wearing these tight Batman costumes.

And because this was the '60s,

you couldn't see an outline of a gentleman's gentleman.

LAUGHTER

What were these pills of which you speak?

-Why, do you want some?

-No, I don't want some!

Yeah, well, he wrote a book and he said it in that.

They had these really tight things on, because if you look at old

episodes of Batman, you can see that they're just sort of flat.

-Yes!

-Terrible.

-That's awful.

-I don't know. I wouldn't know myself.

No. That's terrible.

But, actually, in terms of suffering for your art -

Paul, I didn't realise you had terrible problems with your...

LAUGHTER

-It's getting naughty!

-Thank you.

I'm going to have another glass of wine.

Yeast-based problems. No.

No, it was your wrist. It still sounds wrong.

-From making bread for all those years.

-Yeah.

-I've got carpal tunnel syndrome in both of my wrists.

-Oh!

-And that's really serious?

-It's severe, yeah.

It was diagnosed about four years ago.

So, I went to speak to a consultant about it and he said,

"Look, you're going to have to have an operation."

I don't actually bake as much, you know, hands-on as I used to.

-I miss it.

-You don't need to now, you're on the telly.

"Somebody else make it."

Now, I've sort of stopped baking as much,

it's actually alleviated some of the pain.

-Oh, so it's coming back?

-It's all right now. It's OK.

I did speak to Mary about it and she said, "Oh, I had it done!"

And she's had it done, Mary had it done a few years ago.

And it's healed quite nicely.

-It just petrifies me, the idea of slicing the band.

-Mm!

-Urgh!

-So, because I race cars at the moment.

So, at the moment, it's really difficult.

-I'd rather not do it at the moment.

-Yeah.

-OK. And is it a thing,

because, obviously, you know,

there's things like housemaid's knee and...

PAUL LAUGHS

-Is there?

-Tennis elbow, writer's...

-Tennis elbow.

And is there kind of, like, a master baker's wrist?

LAUGHTER

I ask for research.

Good one!

-Dame...Dame Joan Collins. I can't say it enough.

-Oh, I love it.

-Thank you.

-It's excellent.

Not content with becoming a dame,

you have now published your latest novel.

Now, I noticed you're just Joan Collins on the cover.

-Well, yes. As a professional, you don't use the "dame" ever.

-OK.

No, no, no, no.

The St Tropez Lonely Hearts Club.

-And it's a proper page turner, it really is.

-Yes.

-It is a good beach read.

-Yeah.

I mean, talk about, "write about what you know."

I mean, St Tropez is a world you know incredibly well.

Absolutely, I go there every year.

I've been going there for...Oh, my God, 30 years.

And the people are fascinating.

The people who live there, the people who come in there.

And there's all kinds of intrigues and scandals and sexual innuendos.

So, I wrote about it.

And it's changed a lot, St Tropez?

-No, there was always scandals and innuendos and sexual...

-OK.

Yes, it has changed a lot.

It's become much more touristy in July and August.

And I write about that as well.

But still, there's a little central group

that are there from mid-July till end of August.

Russian oligarchs and really rich Swedish businessmen

and English businessmen.

And they have all these unbelievable parties, where there's

so much excess and champagne is sprayed all over

and half-naked girls...well, naked girls...

It sounds fabulous.

-I'll come.

-Well, I don't do that a lot.

And very sweetly, you dedicate the book to your sister, Jackie.

-Yes, I did.

-Yeah, that was very nice.

Yeah, we were here, New Year's Eve.

-Oh, wow.

-A year and a half ago. Yeah.

In retrospect, do you now understand why she kept it so private

-and secret?

-Absolutely. I think she was very, very brave to do that.

I think, if you're a celebrity in Hollywood, which she is...was,

if there is the slightest hint that there is anything wrong with

you, you will be hounded by TMZ,

which is a gossip programme, and the National Enquirer

and they will all start hinting that you're ill.

They're doing it to various celebrities now.

They're saying, "Cher, a year to live."

I mean, it's completely wrong and Jackie didn't want that.

Jackie wanted to keep herself totally private, cos she was

a very private person actually -

in spite of what she wrote.

-The characters in this book, some of them are quite wild.

-Yes.

-Is it Fabrizio?

-Fabrizio Bricconi, yes. I love him.

-Oh!

-Mm. Now, you do quite a full description of him.

-Oh, well, yes.

-He's a rascal, but he's a lovable rascal.

-Could you read a little bit?

-He describes himself in the book.

-Well, yes.

-Could you read a little bit?

-Well, why not? OK.

-Well, you wrote it.

OK, so, it actually starts at the prologue.

"Lying face down in a pool, August. How has it come to this?

"Me, the stud of St Tropez, 29 years old, handsome,

"devilishly amusing, big... ahem, censored."

LAUGHTER

"Every woman in St Tropez gladly accepting my advances.

"Well, not every woman. But I am seldom turned down.

"Think of an Italian Brad Pitt,

"crossed with the brooding Latin sex-appeal

"of a Benicio del Toro and that's me - the ultimate... censored machine."

Richard Madden is reading over your shoulder.

"Constantly...censored. My body, a factory of raging hormones.

"I don't like to boast. Well, actually, I do."

-Very good!

-Sounds like you.

I would have thought Joan Collins fans would be quite broad-minded.

I think they are.

But, apparently, you have had some...well, not complaints.

But, you know, people have thought it is quite racy.

Yes, I know.

A lot of people...well, not a lot, a couple...have asked me

why I've put in so many sex scenes. And I said, "well,

"having not read Grey Is The New Black..."

What's it called?

LAUGHTER

Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Yeah, Fifty Shades of Grey. My sister told me not to read it.

But, anyway, she told me about it.

-So, I figured that, you know, that's what people do.

-I have read it.

-You have? And?

-Yeah.

Well, yeah, I'm not going to be nasty about somebody, am I?

All right. Leave that to me.

-Have you read it?

-I read most of the first book, yeah.

And?

I remember reading it on the Tube and looking around and there was

a lot of other women reading it too and I suddenly felt a bit embarrassed.

I was like, "Oh, we're all living out some fantasy here."

Imagine if you're a guy sitting reading it on the tube.

Why were you reading it, Richard?

-I wanted to...

-To get some ideas.

-Just to get some ideas.

Let's not fight again.

-Did you test for the role?

-No, I didn't test for the role, no.

-Cos you would have been good.

-You would've.

-No, I didn't test for the role.

-Jamie's marvellous.

He's marvellous. He is marvellous. I've not seen the film.

-I wanted to know what it was all about, so I found out.

-OK.

Yeah, it was such a huge thing. It's kind of nice to be a part of...

-Really?

-I'd never read an erotic novel. It was...

You sound like a deprived child.

"I had never read an erotic novel."

And, here's the thing, you would

think the world of baking would be such a refined, lovely world.

But, apparently, when you do your live shows, Paul,

all hell breaks loose.

I mean, it's like a hen night.

I mean, really. It's like the Chippendales with crusts.

There's review in one of the papers and this person says,

"When he fashions a bit of dough into anything remotely

"phallic shaped, and, tragically, many loaves are, the crowd go crazy.

"After mopping his face with a purple towel, odd choice,

"he tried to explain how to decorate a Black Forest gateau.

"'You just spread the cream,' he begins. 'All over my boobs!'

"shouted someone behind me."

LAUGHTER

-Does that happen a lot?

-Yes, it does, doesn't it?

It's not quite like that.

I mean, I did two 30-day tours a couple of years ago.

And travelling all over the UK, it was great fun.

I had people who came to see me before the show.

Initially, it was just to come and say hello, have some photographs.

But, slowly, over the tour, people started bringing me bakes.

Their cakes, their biscuits. And by the time we were ten theatres in,

there was, literally, 300 or 400 cakes arriving.

The problem is, you've got to try a little bit,

cos otherwise they get upset.

Some people have been queueing up for half an hour,

three-quarters of an hour to see you.

And when it comes to you, you're going, "No more, no more."

Can I ask, did you eat all these cakes that people...

Did you try each one?

I did. I had a little bit of a spittoon as well.

A friend of mine is a singer and people send him cakes

-and stuff all the time.

-Yeah.

And he used to do that, until he ate into a cupcake

and it was full of the girl's hair, cos she wanted to be inside him.

Oh, no!

THEY GROAN

Incidentally, he stopped eating them.

-Yeah.

-That would put you off.

Actually, talking of fans, how excited will fans be?

Because Dame Joan Collins, you are back on the road.

You are starting a new UK stage tour.

-Now, people have seen you before...

-Yes.

They should know that this is a totally different show.

Yeah, this is called Joan Collins Unscripted.

Which means that it's going to be totally like now we are.

There'll be lots of clips from Dynasty

and other movies that I've done.

But, basically, it's going to be me on stage with Percy,

my husband, asking questions, taking questions from the audience.

We're writing it now. There will be some scripted thing, but, basically,

this is going to be free and easy.

I'm going to make a few jokes and do a few things like that.

Cos I've been doing it for ten years.

And in your last show, you told a story...

Cos we always imagine that your life is just glamour, glamour, glamour.

-Oh, yeah.

-But, sometimes, work does get in the way.

-In your last tour, you told a story about Frank Sinatra.

-Oh! Frank, yes.

-Oh!

-I love that people can say, "Frank".

I'm so jealous.

Well, just remember, I went to Hollywood when I was 20, at the end

of the Golden Age, when, you know, the gilt was beginning to turn.

So, I met everybody.

I met Humphrey Bogart and Lana Turner and Hedy Lamarr

and Frank Sinatra. And, you know, it was amazing.

So, about ten years later, I'm doing this movie called

The Road To Hong Kong with two more legends - Bing Crosby and Bob Hope.

And we had two people who were coming on,

three people who were coming on, the Rat Pack.

It was Sammy Davis Junior, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra.

And we had a scene together. It was the most ridiculous film.

I was sent off into space and...

LAUGHTER

-One of those.

-A classic, a classic.

It was called The Road To Hong Kong, but it ended up The Road To Space.

So, I'm in space in a sort of space outfit

and two spacemen are there either side of me.

One is Dean Martin, the other one is Frank Sinatra.

And they both are fighting over me and trying to kiss me.

It was, you know, really great.

I was still pretty star-struck by then.

So, I'm living at home with my mother and father

and the next day in the morning, the phone rings.

And Mummy comes in and she says,

"It's Frank Sinatra on the phone for you."

And I said, "Frank Sinatra, hey?"

So, I said, "Oh, hi." And he said, "Hi, it's Frank."

He said, "How would you like to have dinner with me?"

And I said, "Oh, well, that would be very nice, yes."

He said, "Tomorrow?" I said, "Yeah."

He said, "I'll send my plane for you."

I said, "Your plane? Where are you?" He said, "Hamburg."

I said, "Hamburg?" I said, "Oh, I can't possibly go to Hamburg.

"I've got an early call tomorrow."

-He said, "I'll change your call, honey."

-Wow.

I said, "Well, you can't do that. I mean, I'm a serious actress.

"You can't change my call just because you want to have..."

And he hung up.

And that was it.

He never asked me again, but I hear he asked Linda Evans and she went.

LAUGHTER

-I couldn't go.

-Yeah.

Now, Paul Hollywood, Paul Hollywood, you've got a new TV show now.

This is called Paul Hollywood's City Bakes.

It's on the Food Network, Mondays at 9pm.

Now, is this one of the things where the Food Network came to you

and said, "You can do anything you like.

-"What would you like to do?" It is just an amazing jolly.

-It is.

I mean, they approached me

and the idea was that the programme's going to go global.

So, it's going to go to

the States, South America, Russia, Asia, Australia, South Africa.

-And they offered me this platform to produce, to get a programme.

-Yeah.

And I said, "Absolutely."

The idea is, we travelled round ten cities round the world

looking for people, you know, passionate bakers.

To look at the quintessential classical bakes from that city.

-So, we started in Miami.

-Home of baking.

Miami, baking.

LAUGHTER

I mean, that's...

So, we popped over to Jamaica.

-We came to New York...

-St Tropez.

We literally travelled all throughout Europe, Scandinavia

and ended up at St Petersburg. One of the last shots was...

I remember I was in the stage coach and at the back of the stage,

minus 25, snow everywhere.

And we're at the Summer Palace, Catherine's Palace.

And I was sitting in the back of this horse-drawn carriage

with a blanket over me, freezing to death.

And they got some beautiful shots, you know, going through.

And then just seeing this palace, I went, "How lucky am I?"

I mean, it was me following my baking passion

and meeting people who are exactly the same as me -

passionate about baking. And, often, we had problems with language.

-Yes.

-But stick me in the bakery and show me what to do and I was off.

-Actually, Lily, did you film there in War And Peace?

-I did.

I filmed at Catherine's Palace, yeah.

-It's an amazing place.

-Incredible. It took my breath away.

-Was that in summer or the winter?

-We were there in the winter.

-Oh, wow.

Just covered in snow. Like, horse-drawn carts.

-And I danced in the main ballroom.

-Wow.

-It was breathtaking.

Well, listen, we've got a clip of you. This is you on your visit

to St Petersburg, discovering a local ingredient.

Back home, I normally make a pie using shortcrust or hot

water crust pastry, but here, the pies are much more elaborate.

They add yeast. So, it's a cross between a pastry and a dough.

It's then sweetened and layered with butter.

-Welcome to my kitchen.

-What a fantastic place.

-Yeah.

Master baker Alexander Varsiev finishes off the mix with

a typically Russian touch.

LAUGHTER

-Vodka?

-Yes, vodka! Look, Russian vodka. Russian original vodka.

That's an excuse to have one of these in a bakery.

LAUGHTER

And, because Paul's no fool, there's an accompanying book.

-It's called The Weekend Baker. That's out on May 19th.

-Yeah.

And that's a collection of the recipes you...

At the end of the day, you got have a book to back up the series.

The amount of people that are saying, "where are the recipes?

"Where are we going to find recipes?" And they do go on a

-website, but the book is the natural next step.

-Yes.

-And much more lucrative.

-Mary wouldn't forgive me.

-Is Hollywood your real name?

-Yes.

-It really is?

-Yeah.

That's amazing. I've never heard of anybody called Hollywood.

Well, actually, what was hilarious,

I remember I was patenting many years ago. You know you have to

-cover your name.

-Yeah.

-And the legal lawyer in London

sent out to this to the company saying,

"Paul Hollywood wants to patent this." Huge amounts of people

from California came back and said, "You can't do this,

-"you can't do this."

-Really?

So, my lawyer, who'd recently taken Coca-Cola to court and won,

then sent a letter back saying,

"His family name goes back over 600 years.

"If you can prove that Hollywood has been around before then,

"he will back down.

"Otherwise, he will sue you for using his name on the mountain."

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God.

-They dropped everything.

-That's incredible.

-Wow.

-Now, series seven, series seven of Bake Off.

-Yeah.

-You're filming that at the moment?

-We are. We are indeed.

And are you in the same place or have you moved the place?

-We are in the same place.

-And where are you in the process?

-Are you about halfway or just beginning?

-Three in.

-Three in.

OK. And when you started, yourself and Mary,

I read somewhere you took it incredibly seriously.

-Was it series one where you had a fight about the semifinals?

-Oh!

-How many hours did that last for?

-We were five hours arguing.

It's a bit of cake!

Erm...

-No, you love each other. Don't you love each other?

-We do.

I gave her a recipe, actually, last weekend.

I was just trying out a new recipe I had.

And she decided to make it this week.

And I only got a text this afternoon, "It's marvellous!

"It's a great recipe!"

I think she's going to bring it to set tomorrow.

Well, that is a great impression.

You should really tour with that.

LAUGHTER

No, we do get on. We get on really well.

In fact, when we were filming last year, Downton...

What we try to do, cos Mary wanted to go and visit the set of Downton.

And you guys were just down the road from where we were.

-Oh, cool. Ealing.

-So, we were going to try and bring all the

Bake Off people over and then do a swap. That would be fascinating.

I know, but you'd think that Mary, butter wouldn't melt,

but she has been a vandal. Quite a bad vandal.

Listen, I got her arrested. I actually got her arrested.

What it was, we were doing... You don't know.

What happened was, we were at the Birmingham NEC,

we just finished doing a demo, and I was staying on to do a book signing.

Now, Mary left and she walked past my car.

-I then...

-Which is a very posh car.

-Yeah, it's a nice car.

-Yeah.

So, she came out, left, as she did.

I came out with the security and they said, "Oh,

"have you seen what's on your car?"

And I said, "What do you mean, what's on my car?"

"Go and have a look at your car." And on the sill of the window,

she'd signed, "Love Mary." With a Sharpie.

LAUGHTER

-There it is.

-You can see.

The police officer who was with me he turned round

and said, "Do you want to arrest her for criminal damages?"

Absolutely.

So, I said, "Can we leave it 12 months, please?"

So, the following year, were at the NEC

and I saw the same police officer and I said, "Listen, we're

"going on stage in a minute, if you'd like to

"come on and arrest her. I think you'd better bring four lads.

"She might get a bit feisty."

So, I went on stage and then the police officers came in.

And they actually handcuffed her and marched her off the stage.

I said, "Give it five minutes and let her back in."

She came in with a bag and then smacked me around the head.

APPLAUSE

Here's the odd thing, the most controversial

thing about Bake Off was nothing to do with baking.

It was the squirrel nut scandal.

You don't watch the show.

This is what caused the biggest...

This is Christian Grey.

Yeah, this really caused a big scandal.

So, it's just a clip of Bake Off.

You know, they're doing those establishing shots.

So, we see the tent, the house, here's the squirrel now.

Check that out!

Hold on, go back. Go back, go back, go back to the thing!

Look at him!

LAUGHTER

I mean, proportionally, that's extraordinary.

LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-I've only just looked.

-I just saw.

-It's half his body!

-Yeah.

I want to tuck in your wire a bit, cos it's sticking out.

-But I don't want to...

-It's OK. I tucked in.

-There we go.

You just wanted to touch Joan, didn't you?

-Stop it. Don't touch the other guests.

-I'll sit on my hands.

LAUGHTER

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

what could be sexier than Richard Madden and Lily James together

again as the star-crossed lovers in Shakespeare's Romeo And Juliet?

This is part of Kenneth Branagh's season at the Garrick.

And they've put together a little taste of what it might be like.

Our season continues with Shakespeare's timeless romance,

Romeo And Juliet.

APPLAUSE Beautiful.

Do you know what, can I just, do you know the narrator, obviously,

Kenneth Branagh, it just reminds me of Walking With Dinosaurs.

Charming.

-We're dinosaurs, thanks.

-Wow.

Way to make friends, Paul.

Now, I don't mean to worry Richard and Lily,

but just to let you know, it starts at the Garrick on 12 May.

-Don't.

-No.

-No, no, no.

-Yeah, quite soon.

-12 May?

-That's next week.

-Yes.

-No, it's, well, nearly.

-Nearly.

-How long for?

-Until 13 August.

-Till 13 August.

-Well, I'm definitely going to come and see it.

-Oh, please.

-Yes, I'm going to.

-If you want to watch it live,

-you could, in cinemas on 7 July.

-Oh, well, I'll be in St Tropez.

-That's all the dates.

-Live?

They record it and then they put it out.

Now, the promotional material does make it look like it's quite

-raunchy. Oh, is that what it's going to be like?

-It is.

I mean, it's horny teenagers really.

-If we really just call it what it is.

-Yes.

-Oh, God.

I'm reading the articles tomorrow, "Horny teenagers."

Does contain nudity? Does it contain nudity?

-We couldn't be telling you that.

-No. I mean, we don't know.

Oh, well, she just did.

-LAUGHTER

-No, I mean, I was agreeing with you.

I'm saying no, we can't be telling them that.

We're only halfway through rehearsals,

-so there's still a lot changing.

-You've still got your pants on?

-I've still got my pants on.

-No corsets, no things.

No corsets, no other corsets.

Don't you find it difficult to learn Shakespeare?

Yes, but when you're working with Kenneth Branagh,

he's amazing and encouraging and inspiring.

-And also, runs a tight ship.

-Oh.

-We had to learn all our lines before day one.

-No!

-Oh, my God. That's terrifying. Yeah.

-How boring is that?!

On day one, we had a day of things.

They had to learn it, everybody!

When you learn the whole of...

You come in on the first day of rehearsals...

-It's a lot?

-Oh, it's loads.

-..then on the Friday...

-Oh, every page. "More Juliet! Oh!

"She's in this bit as well!

"She's talking for half a page. No-one else is talking."

How do you learn your lines? I mean, it's a staggering amount to learn.

Pure fear.

Really?

I remember Mel was doing a play in Edinburgh.

She was doing Shakespeare.

She asked me to practise with her on her lines. It was hilarious.

Every lunchtime we'd be practising while Bake Off was on.

She was learning, like, sheets and sheets.

It just staggers me how you learn so much. Do you have prompts anywhere?

Yeah, I have it written on all the furniture.

That's what Brando used to do, though, isn't it?

That's what, you know...

Do you find, does it stay in your head after?

So if I talk to you in a year, would you remember it, or is it all gone?

No, goes.

I find it goes, but more annoyingly it's in your head all the time,

so then you get home and go, you know,

"Will thou have a glass of wine?"

"Stop it, Richard. It's not how you really speak."

Hey, very quickly, Richard, we must mention your new film, Bastille Day.

It opens today, all over the country. It's you and Idris Elba.

Look at you. You're wearing modern clothes.

I know!

That was new.

It's Richard Madden...nowadays.

-That must have been really nice.

-Oh, it was brilliant.

I mean, apart from the fact

that my call is 45 minutes less in the morning,

cos I don't have to get, like, three layers of fur and armour on,

but also it was nice and clean.

In Game Of Thrones, I'd come back every season going,

"The costume team is so brilliant, they make it look filthy

"and it stinks and it's really crusty...

"They've just not washed it for three years, have they?"

Really? Oh, that's terrible.

What's it about, Bastille Day?

Bastille Day is about... Idris Elba is a kind of tough CIA agent.

We're in Paris.

I'm a kind of pickpocket, street rat, living there.

I steal something I shouldn't and it has a horrible consequence.

Then Idris and I are on the hunt of the bad guys

until we work out the situation.

It's a kind of thriller. It's a really good evening at the cinema.

Me and Idris had a great laugh doing it,

so if you get a chance, have a watch.

-It comes out today.

-We'll see it.

I saw some ads, I thought, "I want to see that." I love thrillers.

I love watching movies more than I like watching television, so...

Sorry.

Charming!

No, no, yeah, no.

I watch movies... I watch you. I watch you in America, darling.

Everybody loves you there.

Now, here's the thing, Richard and Lily,

obviously you're rehearsing Romeo and Juliet,

you've learnt your lines.

No, don't worry, I'm not going to make you do Shakespeare.

But just to test out the chemistry between you, what we're doing,

we thought we'd try some lines from Bake Off, cos Bake Off,

there's an awful lot of lines.

Now, we have tried these lines with actors before,

but we wanted to see if they'd work

in a sort of classical, theatre setting.

So I've got some lines. There's Richard's lines and there's Lily's.

-Thanks, Graham.

-Thank you.

So it says "Richard" before the line he says,

it says "Lily" before the line you say.

I just wanted to be clear. Call me Kenneth Branagh.

-This is a lot.

-I think you've given me Joan's book.

All right, OK, sorry.

Oh, I don't want to say this.

Too late now.

Let me have a little sip of this.

-Yeah, a bit of nerve...

-This goes out after the watershed, right?

Yes, of course. But Bake Off doesn't.

-These are all genuine things.

-It comes out at eight o'clock.

-Oh!

-These are all genuine things.

These are genuine things that were said on Bake Off.

So can we have some Shakespearean-type music

and maybe a little lighting?

I believe... Is yours the first line, Richard? Off you go.

RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT

I want to get my spatula in there.

There's a lot of moisture in there. That's why it wets the finger.

Your crack is nice and moist.

Paul said that, Paul said that.

Oh, my God.

I trimmed it before I went in.

It's about half the size it was when it went in.

Alack, I've got the taste of nuts coming through.

Gosh, there's room for all sorts of things in there.

Oh, this is...

There is no such thing as too big, not in my world.

Beautifully done.

Well done.

APPLAUSE

Right, it's time for music.

This new band, fronted by heart-throb Joe Jonas,

hit the ground running with their debut EP Swaay.

Their new single is sure to be this year's sound of the summer.

Performing Cake By The Ocean, it's DNCE!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh no

# See you walking 'round like it's a funeral

# Not so serious, girl Why those feet cold?

# We just getting started

# Don't you tiptoe, tiptoe

# Ah!

# Waste time with a masterpiece, don't waste time with a masterpiece

# Huh!

# You should be rolling with me, you should be rolling with me

# Ah

# You're a real life fantasy, you're a real life fantasy

# Huh!

# But you're moving so carefully Let's start living dangerously

# Talk to me, baby

# I'm going blind from this sweet sweet craving

# Whoa

# Let's lose our minds and go crazy crazy

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Walk for me, baby

# I'll be Diddy, you'll be Naomi

# Whoa

# Let's lose our minds and go crazy crazy

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Huh!

# Hot damn

# See you licking frosting from your own hands

# I want another taste, I'm begging

# Yes, ma'am

# I'm tired of all this candy on the dry land, dry land

# Oh

# Waste time with a masterpiece, don't waste time with a masterpiece

# Huh!

# You should be rolling with me, you should be rolling with me

# Ah

# You're a real life fantasy, you're a real life fantasy

# Hey!

# But you're moving so carefully

# Let's start living dangerously

# Talk to me, baby

# I'm going blind from this sweet sweet craving

# Whoa

# Let's lose our minds and go crazy crazy

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Walk for me, baby

# I'll be Diddy, you'll be Naomi

# Whoa

# Let's lose our minds and go crazy crazy

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Oh ah

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Oh ah

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Huh!

# Talk to me, girl

# Talk to me, baby

# Talk to me, baby

# I'm going blind from this sweet, sweet craving

# Whoa

# Let's lose our minds and go crazy crazy

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Walk for me, baby

# I'll be Diddy, you'll be Naomi

# Whoa

# Let's lose our minds and go crazy crazy

# Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Huh!

# Red velvet, vanilla, chocolate in my life

# Funfetti, I'm ready

# I need it every night

# Red velvet, vanilla Ah ya ya ya ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean

# Oh! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DNCE, everybody!

Who's coming over? Joe, are you coming over? OK.

-There they are, DNCE. Thank you very much. Great job.

-Thank you.

Have a seat there.

There's Paul, Lily, Richard, Lily, Joan.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Oh, hugging, hugging. We're doing hugging.

Lovely. Mind the drinks, mind the drinks.

-JOAN:

-Have one.

Be careful of the drinks.

-Is this mine?

-Oh, yeah, that's yours. Pre-ordered, well done, you.

Congratulations on that.

That is Cake By The Ocean, and that is out now.

-Yes, it's out.

-And it's a huge hit all over the world, isn't it?

It's been doing pretty well. We're happy.

Straight out of the gates with DNCE, you must be thrilled.

-I'm very thrilled.

-Yeah! You know, inspired by his show, we're fine.

Yes, of course.

Paul, when you do the summer special, that can be the theme song.

-That's the theme.

-I'm pitching it now.

Here's the thing.

So there's a Swedish connection to the title of the song.

Right, so there's a miscommunication.

They confuse the drink Sex On The Beach

with Cake By The Ocean.

We wrote the song from there.

That sounds delicious, doesn't it? Cake By The Ocean.

It's a little messy, maybe a little salty as well.

It'd be a drizzle.

It would be a drizzle.

We've all done that.

So, listen, thanks for coming and thanks for playing it all live,

-cos I know that's a lot of extra work.

-No, we prefer that.

-That's great.

-Joe Jonas and DNCE. Very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Before we leave you,

we've just got time for a visit to the Big Red Chair.

Who's there? I wonder.

-Hello, sir.

-Hi.

-Hi!

Dress-up Friday.

Now... Do you have a job or have you just applied for a job?

APPLAUSE

Oh, he's nice.

-I was at an interview today, actually.

-Oh!

How did it go, how did it go?

I think it went really well, so fingers crossed.

What sort of job was it?

Customer service manager position.

Oh, wow.

-What's your name, by the way?

-Michael.

-Michael. Lovely, Michael.

Listen, good luck with the job. Do you have a job at the moment?

I do, yeah, so this could be awkward.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

We really hope you get that new job now.

Yeah, Monday at work. "No, I was joking."

All right, Michael, off you go with your story.

I moved to London about three years to start a new job, funnily enough.

I arrived on the Friday, I met the letting agent on the Friday,

I met my new housemates on the Friday, we went out and partied.

We had a great time.

We partied on the Saturday, we partied Saturday night.

I woke up on Sunday absolutely dying from travelling, new place,

new people and too much alcohol.

I figured I'd be spending all day in bed.

I woke up the following day and I could not believe it.

I seen the alarm clock - nine o'clock. Alarm didn't go off.

I thought, "Sugar, I'd better get to work, first day."

Yeah, that's what he thought...

So I sent my boss an e-mail just saying,

"I'm really sorry, we had a power cut during the night, I'm on my way.

"I'm just going to freshen up and I'll be there as soon as possible."

I got showered, put the new suit on,

ran as fast as I could to the tube station.

At that point, I realised, "Oh, my God. It's still Sunday."

Oh.

I have sent an e-mail to my boss.

That's quite a good story. You can walk, Michael. You can walk.

Yeah!

Well done!

Well done, everybody. If you fancy joining us on the show

and have a go in that red chair, you can contact us

via our website at this very address.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is it for tonight.

Please join me in saying a big thank you to my guests,

Joe Jonas and DNCE.

Paul Hollywood.

Lily James.

Richard Madden.

And Dame Joan Collins.

Join me next week with music from Birdy,

Sherlock star Martin Freeman, Ant-Man Paul Rudd,

and the hilarious Seth Rogen.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody. Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But lots of my friends, you know, when they hit middle age,

they just go crackers.

Suddenly all these women who have just spent years sitting on the sofa

with big fat arms, brushing Monster Munch off their fleece...

LAUGHTER

..suddenly they lose 4st and they're zipping themselves

into suede jeggings and going, "This is my time, Derek."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE