Episode 11 The Graham Norton Show

Now, Salma Hayek, so nice to have you on the show tonight.

-Thank you, thank you.

-Now, you're from "Mehico".

-Exactly.

I actually speak a poco of Spanish. So I wondered,

how would I say, "Let's start the show," en espanol?

Bueno. Pues, puedes decir muchas cosas. Lo importante es que hagas

que tu publico se sienta bienvenido y se entusiasme -

tenga ganas de ver tu programa. Y cuando estes listo,

cuando sientas que la energia subido,

y que todos estan desesperados por verte,

entonces les puedes decir empecemos el programa.

Bueno.

Let's start the show!

APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Hello! Hello!

Buenas noches. Buenas noches, buenas noches.

Good evening, everybody! Hey, it's Friday night!

Yes, it is. CHEERING

It's the weekend! CHEERING

It's three weeks to the EU referendum!

A FEW HALF-HEARTED CHEERS

LAUGHTER

So excited in here, ladies and gentlemen, so excited.

The debate has reached fever pitch, hasn't it?

Real fever pitch. Lots of debate about immigration this week.

Some people think we should bring in an Australian-style points system.

Hm. Any Australians in tonight? CHEERING

There's always Australians. Hello. Where are you? There you are. Hi!

You have done a great job, a great job, of keeping people out

of your country. LAUGHTER

You have! You've filled it with poisonous animals,

put it miles away,

and you live there, so it's all, yeah... Bung, bung, bung.

Of course, if the Brexit camp wins,

then Boris Johnson could end up being the next Prime Minister.

BOOING AND CHEERING

But don't worry, I don't think there's anyone more sensitive

to the feelings of ethnic minorities.

LAUGHTER

But, hey, who are we allowing onto our sacred British sofa tonight?

Well, later we'll have music from Alicia Keys. Yes!

CHEERING

But first, he's one of the funniest things to come out of Wales.

Star of Would I Lie to You?, Live At The Apollo and Work Experience,

now scouring the country to find the UK's Best Part-Time Band,

it's Rhod Gilbert, everybody! CHEERING

Hello!

Hello, sir. Lovely to see you.

Sit, have wine!

This British actress has gone from Black Books to Green Wing

to the hugely successful Episodes.

Now she's here with her latest comedy caper,

Breaking The Bank. It's Tamsin Greig!

CHEERING

Yay!

Sophisticated lady. Look at you! Hello, darling.

Lovely to see you. Come in, Rhod, Tamsin.

This multi-award winning actor starred as Dr Frasier Crane

for 20 years and, amongst other roles, has lent his

unmistakable voice to Sideshow Bob in The Simpsons.

Now he's gone all British in Breaking The Bank.

Please welcome, for the first time, Kelsey Grammer!

CHEERING

Hello, sir, lovely to see you.

Thank you so much for doing this. We really appreciate it.

That's who that is.

And from her breakout role in Desperado

to her Oscar-nominated turn as Frida Kahlo,

this actress has become one of Hollywood's most

dazzling leading ladies, and now her new film,

Tale Of Tales, is getting rave reviews.

Please welcome Salma Hayek!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, hello. Mwah and mwah.

Thank you for coming. Seriously.

You've met everybody. You've met everybody.

What a jolly sofa. Very good. Nice to see you all.

-Welcome, welcome, welcome.

-Thank you.

Now, there's an odd thing on the couch tonight,

I don't think we've ever had this before,

but Salma and Kelsey, you've got an odd connection.

-Mm-hm.

-Yes.

Let's elaborate. LAUGHTER

Salma bought a home I owned years ago.

-Did you know it was his house?

-Yes. I still have it.

-I was going to ask if you still have it!

-Yes!

It's such a beautiful place. I loved it.

And yet he moved on.

It's all worked out lovely.

-Did he leave it nice?

-Yes, in very good shape.

-Oh, it was a great home.

Did he take the light bulbs?

-Um...I think you did!

-No...

-I might have...

-LAUGHTER

Now, Rhod Gilbert, thank you for being here.

And it's very nice of you to be here because

has your appearance tonight caused trouble at home?

-Um...

-LAUGHTER

Are you trying to tell him something?

No, no, I believe somebody else told him something.

-No, it's my wife's birthday.

-TAMSIN GASPS

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-Look at them! "Ooh!"

Yeah, it's my wife's birthday...

To be honest, I've sort of promised her something that

involves you, Salma, I'm afraid.

-You're taking Salma home for her?

-LAUGHTER

Well, I didn't guarantee that...

Cos I said, "The Graham Norton Show have rung."

And she said, "Who?" I explained.

He's only pretending.

They said, "Will you do it?" and I said, "Of course, I'd love to,

"the only problem is it's my wife's birthday."

So I said, "Do you mind if I do it?" She said, "Can I come?"

And I said, "Well, if you do, that's your birthday present."

So...

That's so cheap. Buy her something!

It's not that cheap.

I've promised her an hour with you in the green room after.

-LAUGHTER

-You are the birthday present.

That's a good gift.

Tamsin, obviously in Episodes you worked with Matt LeBlanc,

a big sitcom star, but, Kelsey, arguably the most successful

-sitcom star of all time.

-Well, arguably, yes.

OK, let's just go with he is.

Was it intimidating, or was it all fine? Was it just actors?

After Matt LeBlanc...

LAUGHTER

I said to my agent, "I only want to work with even bigger stars."

What's bigger than Kelsey? I don't know, who can we get next?

There are several, but not many.

It's not intimidating because he is an incredible gentleman.

He's very warm and appreciative and very supportive and very funny.

And also very close to tears all the time.

It's true, I do live that way, yes, I do.

-On the verge of tears almost always.

-All the time. I can see them now.

My wife knows. She's over there. She knows I cry at the drop of a hat.

-She calls it gin.

-LAUGHTER

And half the time, she's right.

Tamsin, Kelsey has a reputation for singing on set.

Did this happen on this set?

Yeah, he's got a great voice and there's a lot of hanging

around on sets, so we'd just turn to our puppet master

to just perform a little, pull his strings,

-and he'd come out with something.

-OK, so, Kelsey, could you,

if I poke you with a stick, just give us a little burst of

the end song in Frasier?

-Aw, sure, I could.

-OK, I think we've got a little backing track.

-You have?

-Do you want the backing track?

-Yeah, sure.

OK, here's the backing track.

# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'

# Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Yeah, that's it

# Quite stylish

# And maybe I seem a bit confused

# Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged That's it

# But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads

# And scrambled eggs. #

CHEERING

How cool is that? Thank you very much, that's very nice of you.

Now, lots of movies and programmes to talk about tonight,

so let's get started. Now, Salma, you have a new movie,

Tale Of Tales. It opens in a couple of weeks, on June 17.

And it's an extraordinary film.

It's a retelling of classic Italian fairy tales.

For a British audience, if they think,

"Oh, we know what fairy tales are like," these are bonkers tales.

-Yes, don't take your children, please.

-No, no.

Whatever you do, do not take your children to see this one.

It's very dark, but it's really beautiful, visually exuberant.

And just interesting, unique, different.

Yes, because you start watching and think, "What the hell is going on?"

And once you're in the mood of the film, it really carries you along.

-They're amazing, the stories.

-Yes.

-So, talk us through the tale

-that you're involved in. Cos there's three tales.

-Yes.

My tale is about motherhood, and I am a queen.

I was so excited because the closest I got to being a queen

was to be the queen of the drug cartel in Savages.

When you're Mexican, it's kind of hard to get that role.

And she is very sad because she cannot have children.

And she is willing to do anything, anything,

in order to conceive a child.

-So...

-Fairy-tale stuff.

-Do you want me to continue?

Well, you can tell us a bit. Because we can know how

she got with child, can't we?

Yes. One of the parts of the ritual, the many things we had to do,

was we had to kill a sea dragon,

and then I had to eat the heart of this dragon

that had to be cooked by a virgin, which was really difficult to find,

even in those days.

And, by eating the heart of the dragon,

I was going to conceive a baby, which is not as fun

as the normal way, but she was desperate.

-And it was disgusting.

-But that all happens in about the first

five minutes. We've got a still of you eating the heart.

Now, what was that?

Cos it looked disgusting.

It was disgusting!

And I still don't know, cos when you asked the Italians...

They asked me, "What are you allergic to?" and I told them.

And when it was the time, I said, "What's in it?"

and they said, "You're not allergic to it."

I said, "OK, but what's in it?" And they said, "Many different things."

And I said, "Yeah, but what things?"

"Things that you're not allergic to." And that's it!

But every bite, I would find different textures

and things and flavours. At some point, I was convinced

I was eating a worm.

I said, "You must tell me what this is!" "That's spaghetti."

So one of the arteries inside of there was spaghetti, but, anyway,

I don't want to repeat that recipe. I will never cook it for anyone.

We've got a clip.

This is you talking to your son.

-We shouldn't say any more, should we?

-We shouldn't say any more,

-except that...

-This is the child you conceived, who's now speaking?

Yes, he came out albino, I don't know why.

LAUGHTER

It's an Italian fairy tale.

-This is you being a strict mother with your son.

-Exactly, yes.

You disrespect me and you disobey me.

You know you were not supposed to see him.

Come here.

Elias, you are a prince.

You cannot be the friend of a son of a servant.

But I like being with him. He's like a brother to me.

-I will see him whenever I want.

-A brother?

The only one bond of blood that you have is with me, your mother.

And it is to me that you owe respect and obedience.

I am your Queen. Don't you ever forget it.

APPLAUSE

You know, if I start talking to my daughter like that,

she starts laughing at me. Walks away.

-You filmed it in Sicily and Tuscany.

-And Tuscany, yes.

-The food was so good.

-Ooh, well, apart from your heart, obviously.

-Yes.

-Sea monster heart, no.

But when people travel, they collect things,

postcards, dolls in national dress.

But you collect animals, like, living animals.

Well, no, I don't collect them, I rescue them.

-Oh, OK.

-I rescue them.

So, did you rescue anything when you were in Sicily and Tuscany?

Not in that one, but in the movie I did right after,

in Bulgaria, I did.

-OK.

-I had promised my husband I was going to stop, because at the time

I had ten dogs, five parrots, I had alpacas,

horses, cats.

And, by the way, one without a tail, the other one without a leg.

Always, they find me, they come to me, these animals,

which he doesn't believe me, but they do. I promised him no more, OK.

We were up to 30 animals and I swore no more.

I was there, and a little puppy, who was abandoned

and was going to die... I won't tell you the sad story

cos this is a comedy show and I'll start crying,

but he came to me and I couldn't help it and I picked him up.

His name is Ochoa, after the goalie of the soccer team in Mexico.

It was the World Cup. And I took him,

and then I was terrified, how am I going to explain this to my husband?

I promised, I promised. So I came up with this brilliant idea,

to pretend that I was having an affair.

-LAUGHTER

-With Ochoa?

No, with somebody. To make him think that I was having an affair

and at the end I would say, "No, it's not an affair,

"I picked up a dog," and then he would feel better that I picked up

a dog and was not having an affair.

This is clever. Good plan, good plan.

So I left him a message, "You must call me at this time.

"We need to talk, it's very important," and I never do that.

And this time he said, "OK, what happened? What happened?"

And I said, "Listen, I feel so terrible,

"I don't know how to say this to you, and I know this is not going

"to go down well, and I'm really nervous,

"and, please, have mercy on me, have patience, be understanding,

"it's just been so stressful and I'm so tired, and I was so lonely here

"for so many days, and you do crazy things

"when you're in this state!"

And he said to me, "Oh, please don't tell me

"you picked up another dog!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was so sad that I was so predictable.

Talking of dogs, famously, Eddie, the little Jack Russell in Frasier,

we all fell in love. Everyone loved that Jack Russell.

But apparently, you... Not that you didn't like him, but you were...

No, I actually liked him quite a bit. The person who didn't like him

was John, the one that played my dad.

He was terrified of him.

-Oh, really?!

-Oh, yeah!

Whenever he sat on his lap, the dog bit him.

LAUGHTER

-Very dangerous place to start biting.

-He was not a pleasant animal. Yeah.

Did it annoy you all on set that that dog must have got

-so much attention?

-It annoyed me no end.

-But, only this, because there was...

-HE LAUGHS

We had a director for a while who was a guest director.

We booked him to do maybe three shows.

Somewhere in the middle of that number, he turned to the dog

and said, "Eddie, action."

LAUGHTER

I said, "You're fired.

"I've never heard anything like that in my life. You're out."

I was never really that mean, but in this case, I was.

-It's a dog!

-It's a dog. He doesn't understand "action".

On the action thing, you said he didn't understand "action".

My first ever time on screen, I was in my 20s, had never done anything

on stage or screen before. I went along to the Jobcentre.

They sent everyone, all the waifs and strays, all of us,

they sent all of us to be film extras in a Welsh film

that was filming nearby. Off we went and got our 30 quid for the day.

-Oh, it was a Welsh dog? In that case...

-No, this was a horse!

This was a horse!

The horse's job, all he had to do was walk through the back

of the shot. It was a period drama.

And every single time the director shouted, "Action," I kid you not,

the horse got an erection. Every single time.

And there was this little guy whose sole job it was,

as far as I could work out, was to run out with a bicycle pump

and a bucket, and as soon as it went "Action," the horse went dong,

and this bloke went tsh-tsh-tsh,

and this horse's penis just went...back in.

And they'd go, "Right, cut!" And they'd start again.

"Action," dong, tsh-tsh-tsh, every single time he said, "Action."

What's he doing with the bicycle pump?

-Un-erecting.

-How do you un-erect a...?

Well, this is what I'm telling you.

That's a Welsh blow job!

APPLAUSE

-That's what I'm telling you.

-You know what, I bet there's a

lot of women out there, and men too, that would want

the number of the trainer of the horse.

What would help it, the horse's penis would go like that,

and then this little man would run out, suck water up from the bucket, into the pump,

and then spray the horse's penis with cold water, basically,

and then the penis would just go back in.

And off they'd go, and he'd go, "Action," out it would go again,

dong, tsh-tsh-tsh, back in.

I've met a lot of actors that do that.

That's the other trainer who was behind the horse.

-It's going very well.

-It's going very well.

Now, you, Tamsin, when you were growing up, who had the cat?

Did your father have a cat or did you have the cat?

Yes, we grew up with lots and lots of cats.

My dad collected a lot of stray cats, so we learnt at

an early age how to kill fleas. They're really hard to kill.

-Fingernails.

-Fingernails! You have to rip them in half,

so that you see the blood.

-Or you hear the crack.

-Yeah, there's a crack!

-You'll hear the crack.

-You know.

-If you want a link, if you like fleas,

one of the stories in Tale Of Tales is the best flea story ever.

-It is so bizarre.

-You are like, "What the hell?"

-Anyway, sorry, I interrupted.

-My dad had accidents with the cats.

He was slightly distracted most of his life.

I think that's how he ended up with my mum!

LAUGHTER

It was like, "Oh! Wow, don't know how that happened."

And he tumble-dryered one cat.

-That's very bad, Tamsin.

-It was a man, in that age,

doing the washing! What more do you want?

The cat can't have liked that, Tamsin, in any way.

-Did they die?

-It didn't die.

I know somebody who did that and the cat died.

-OK, well...

-This one didn't die?

-It didn't die. It was a miracle.

It'll be a better tumble dryer.

Yes, that was an American tumble dryer.

Our tumble dryers could be on for a year

and you could still pick out a wet sheet with the cat going,

"I'm a little warm, but not very."

LAUGHTER

In America, it's like beef jerky by the time you get it out.

We'll have to hang this up for half an hour on the line after.

Just in case, please don't try it.

No, no, no. Tamsin's father got away with it, but that's it.

He got away with murder.

He didn't murder me! I don't know why I did that.

Now, Kelsey, you're working with a dog again,

new movie that you and Tamsin are in, you've got a dog called...

Is the dog called Taxi always, or...?

No, his name's Taxi in the film. I don't know what his name is, actually.

-Taxi is a good name for a dog.

-Taxi was a great name.

It worked well in the film, because I say, "Taxi," and someone thinks

I've called for a taxi on the other end of the phone,

so, yes, it's a good name.

Tamsin, is that true or is that just a story, the people who

-had to look after the Christian dog?

-Oh, yes, I heard about...

When you think about good names or bad names for a dog,

Taxi is a good name for... Something you would shout,

-a word that you might shout out in public.

-Yes.

And I heard of this Christian family

who were very friendly with their neighbours,

who were not Christians. And the Christian family had a dog,

and they secretly named it, knowing that they would be going away

and that the family next door would be looking after it,

and it was a bolter, it would go.

So the Christian family called the dog Repent.

-I think that's brilliant.

-That is brilliant.

-Is that true?

-Yeah.

-So they had to be in the street going, "Repent!"

"Repent, come back, you fucker."

So, the new film is Breaking The Bank,

and it's a proper British farce.

I mean, it really is, it's that kind of Ealing Comedy style.

Yeah, it's a beautiful mainstream comedy, which is a kind of

love child of Trading Places and The Big Short.

At the heart of it, you've got a love story that breaks apart,

but it's also a public service film about what shorting is.

It explains in a very beautifully comedic way about certain banking

terms that none of us understand.

But the writer, Roger Devlin, cos it's a really funny script,

but he comes from the financial services area?

He is actually a banker, I suppose, yeah.

It's sort of a mea culpa kind of thing, on his behalf.

I think he wanted to try to say, "Gosh, I'm sorry we did this."

Or, "How can I continue to make money out of it?"

-He's doing splendidly.

-Yeah. "I've been fired, how can I...?"

He's also now on the board of the Football Association,

so he really knows about...

How does Roger land on his feet in so many ways?

That's clearly going to be his next film. We've got a clip.

This is you, Tamsin, reacting to the news that Kelsey's character

-has essentially lost your family's bank.

-Yes.

Penelope?!

Penelope!

Darling...you seem a little out of sorts.

What makes you say that?

That's Etruscan, 700 BC!

I'm just as upset as you are.

I seriously doubt that.

Wait!

Oh, no, carry on. The golf club's worth more than the porcelain dog.

Thanks for telling me.

Don't you ever stop to think how remarkable it is, Charles...

that your brain starts working the minute you get up in the morning...

and then it carries on working, never missing a beat...

until the second that you get to the office, and then, as if by magic...

it suddenly...stops?

Run a bank? You couldn't run a bath.

APPLAUSE

Breaking The Bank is in Empire Cinemas now,

on digital download from Monday, and on DVD from Monday 20 June.

-There is every way to see that film.

-Yes, there is.

Now, fans. Obviously everyone has fans.

Kelsey, when you were filming here, you met if not your biggest fan,

certainly one of your biggest fans.

Certainly one of the biggest fans I've ever had, yeah.

Because, was she the girlfriend of someone who worked on the film?

She was the girlfriend of one of the prop guys, I think.

It was one of the guys that was helping.

But, she... I was introduced to her, and he said,

"Do you mind saying hello to my girlfriend?" and I said,

"Of course not." He says, "She has a tattoo of you on her arm."

And I said, "Oh. OK. Well, all right."

And then, she explained to me that it was confusing for a lot of people

because they would often ask her in a bar

why she had a tattoo of Bill Clinton on her arm.

LAUGHTER

-There it is.

-I thought, "How did they ever get Bill Clinton

"out of that?" So I said,

"Why don't I just sign it and you can have that tattooed in there?"

-So that's what she finally did.

-Oh... Wow.

Salma, you must have met people who've had you tattooed on them.

-Actually, I have.

-I knew it, you see!

This is more common than we think!

But the weirdest one was Danny Trejo.

You know, the actor Danny Trejo from all these action films?

He was actually in prison for many years for... He's now an actor.

-Yes.

-And he's very famous.

But before, he was in prison for many years for robbing banks.

And in prison he tattooed himself a huge tattoo of a woman here.

And he learned how to act in prison, and then when he got out of prison

he started working and, of course,

he landed on the movie, my first movie that I did.

And when he saw me for the first time, they told me,

"You're going to meet this prisoner that is now an actor."

I was a little bit afraid.

And when I saw him for the first time, he saw me

and he ran towards me and ripped his shirt off and said,

"I knew you before I knew you. I dreamt you before I knew you!"

And, sure enough, there was a picture of a woman

that looks exactly like me.

The body was a little bit better, but let's pretend...

LAUGHTER

-Exactly like me on his chest.

-Wow.

-Yes, yes.

-That is very peculiar.

-He said, "I just got out of jail,

"and I'm happy but, for you, I would rob another bank!"

-So that was the strangest tattoo.

-APPLAUSE

That's a fan.

Now, Rhod Gilbert, I know you have tattoos,

cos the last time you were here you showed us your flaming Battenburg.

That's not a euphemism. That's an actual tattoo.

-Do I need a bike pump?

-LAUGHTER

But now you've added to your collection.

Don't call it a collection! That's a big word. I've got one more.

I got one more. But not through choice.

Well... I didn't want the first one

and I didn't want the second one either.

So why did you get the second one?

Well, I only got the first one because of a TV show.

The show I do, Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience,

I try out different jobs, I was trying to be a tattooist

and the producer said, "You've got to have a tattoo." I said I didn't want one.

In the end, I went, "They're pointless," and to prove that they're pointless,

I had the most pointless tattoo I could think of,

which was a Battenburg, on fire, on a cushion, which I've got there.

I'm very petty and wanted to win the argument.

In my head I went, "Right, that showed them."

But then, a few years later, I was doing...

I didn't have a punchline to a show.

I didn't have an ending to a show, so I flew to New York

and took a potato with me.

So I ended up getting a tattoo of the potato on my other shoulder.

And I tattooed the potato with my flaming Battenburg,

so the potato had one of me, and I had one of it. That was the point.

We've got a picture of the tattoo, there it is.

You can just see a glimpse of the Battenburg over there.

And here is...

Now, what sort of potato is that?

It's a King Edward.

What about your wife's name?

-What, Sian?

-Yes.

How about tattooing her name for her birthday?

Because that would be a meaningful tattoo. I never wanted a

meaningful tattoo. I just want pointless tattoos.

-Anyway...

-You're winning, Rhod.

-I'm winning.

The worst thing is, it's not even like a potato.

I came away and thought, "God, that's a really good likeness

"of the potato." But then I forget it's there.

I was on a beach a couple of years ago in Wales,

the one nice day we had, and some kids came up to me holding hands,

a little boy and girl, and they said, "Excuse me, sir,"

and I thought, "Oh, they're going to ask for an autograph,

"or the usual, a photo." I went, "Yes, what is it?"

The little boy went, "Why have you got a massive shite on your back?"

LAUGHTER

It is a little turd-like.

"A massive shite, sir."

-But, Kelsey, you've got ink, haven't you?

-Just a little one.

-I actually have my wife's name tattooed.

-See, it's meaningful.

She asked me if I would ever actually do that, and I said,

"Yeah, sure, of course I would."

-Is she called Potato?

-No.

-That's good.

-No, it's actually just her name, Kayte.

-Where is it?

Somewhere near, you know...

This is a picture of it being done.

It gives you an idea of where it might be.

-RHOD:

-God, it's internal!

-LAUGHTER

-Is it on your bicycle pump?

-Exactly.

Talk about marking your territory!

I've never seen anyone look quite so relaxed having a tattoo done.

Are you sure that's a photo from the tattoo thing?

It was a bit scratchy, I thought, but I'd had a parrot for years

and he used to bite me all the time, and that was worse than this.

That is a parrot that needs rescuing!

Oh, dear. Hey, Rhod Gilbert, new TV series.

You are looking for the UK's best part-time band.

It's a catchy title!

No, no, that says part-time band...

It's BBC Four, Fridays at 9:00.

It started tonight, but you can see that on catch-up,

and the final will be in a few weeks on BBC Two.

Is it as simple as... A part-time band is just not a full-time band?

It is that.

It's so much fun, it is so much fun.

It's a lot more fun than the title sounds.

As you saw from that picture, it's me, and I go out on tour, basically,

on the road for a week with Jazzie B from Soul II Soul...

You know, "Back to life..."

A week with Peter Hook, Joy Division, New Order,

and then a week with Midge Ure... Midge Ure!

And we just look at part-time bands, so people who play music

just for the love of it, as a passion, as a part-time thing,

not their main source of income.

And it's the most fun I've ever had. It's been a joy.

It's been an absolute joy.

And on BBC Two, for the final, what do they win?

Nothing.

It's BBC Two, mate!

LAUGHTER

An hour in the green room with me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got a clip. This is you meeting one...

I know this is one of your favourite part-time bands.

HE PLAYS HARMONICA

APPLAUSE

-Are you sure you're all in the band?

-We've lost a couple.

Yeah, we had one die last week, unfortunately.

What, one of the band died last week?

Yeah, and then we lost a drummer last year.

Thank fuck we've got two others.

One and a spare! How the hell do you get together for rehearsals?

We don't rehearse.

I'm glad you said that.

THEY LAUGH

Midge, you're going to get a kick in the bollocks.

That's how I can still hit the high notes in Vienna.

APPLAUSE

-So much fun.

-Yeah, why are you really rooting for those guys?

I'm so invested in all of them. We got so close to all of them.

I'm so invested. Those guys were called Pieces of Mind.

In 1966, they supported The Who. And then they split up,

went off and had their lives and jobs.

45 years, they just went off.

And then they just started playing again in the last couple of years,

and they're amazing. Absolutely amazing.

-They sounded really good there.

-They are SO good.

So, in that band, they've got a sweepstake to get to the final?

Oh, yeah, they said to me, "We've got a sweepstake." That lead singer,

they're from Pontypool, in west Wales, but he's quite a Cockney.

He was going, "Yeah, we've got a sweepstake, Rhod, about the finals."

And I was like, "That's quite confident, quite cocky,

"having a sweepstake at this early stage about the final."

He goes, "No, no, no. A sweepstake to see

"who's fucking still alive when the final goes out."

APPLAUSE

It's so funny. So funny.

Now, Kelsey, talking of singing,

how did the singing lead to Sideshow Bob in The Simpsons?

Ah, well, Sam Simon, who created The Simpsons,

was one of the writers on Cheers, years ago.

And as I do, as is my wont, I would walk onto the set sometimes

and I would usually sing...

# Oh, the good life. #

Kind of in my best Tony Bennett derivative.

And he called me one afternoon and said,

"Hey, do you still sing, Kels?"

Could you sing a Cole Porter song? Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye.

I said, "Of course I could. Yeah, I love that song."

He said, "Well, we've got this character who's never actually

"said anything on the show.

"He's Krusty The Clown's sideshow, we call him Sideshow Bob.

"And we want him to speak finally and we thought you should do it.

"Can you sing this Cole Porter song?"

I said I'd certainly do that.

And then I read the script

and it was actually really funny and wonderful.

But he was very cultured, and I borrowed...

At that time it seemed like the opportunity...

I had logged away a voice years ago

when I worked for a man named Ellis Rabb

who had started a theatre company in New York City,

had great success.

And when I was working for him, I was painting his bathroom

and hanging wallpaper and stuff like that.

I wasn't really a successful actor at the time.

But Ellis would regale me with stories

when he'd come home from work always

and he would say things like this, he'd say,

"Oh, Kelsey, that baby should have been mine."

This guy. I'm going to use him someday.

And when I read the script for Sideshow Bob,

I said, "This is Ellis Rabb."

And it went immediately into, "Oh, Bart,

"I just despise you."

APPLAUSE

All right, it is time for our musical guest tonight.

This lady burst onto the music scene 15 years ago

with her incredible debut, Falling.

Since then, she's won 15 Grammys and sold over 30 million records.

Here performing her new single, In Common,

is the fabulous Alicia Keys.

Yeah.

Yes.

Mm.

Mhm.

# Said I'd be gone by five

# But it's sunrise And I'm still in your bed

# Goodnight usually means goodbye

# And me replaying memories In my head

# Look at you, look at you Look what you made me do

# How do you, how do you figure my every move?

# Who are you? Who are you? You look so familiar

# I know you, I know you Baby, I know the truth

# We got way too much in common

# If I'm being honest with you

# We got way too much in common

# Since I'm being honest with you

# Who wants to love somebody like me?

# You wanna love somebody like me If you could love somebody like me

# You must be messed up, too

# Who wants to love somebody like me?

# You wanna love somebody like me If you could love somebody like me

# You must be messed up, too

# We used to talk until midnight

# All those days that you stayed at my house

# We were just passing the time

# We were young and we ain't had no vows

# Nah, nah, nah Maybe later on I'll text you

# Maybe you'll reply

# We both know we have no patience Together day and night

# Getting high on our supply Yeah, we ain't satisfied

# I could love you all occasions

# We got way too much in common

# If I'm being honest with you

# We got way too much in common

# Since I'm being honest with you

# Who wants to love somebody like me?

# You wanna love somebody like me If you could love somebody like me

# You must be messed up, too

# Who wants to love somebody like me?

# You wanna love somebody like me If you could love somebody like me

# You must be messed up, too

# Messed up, too Messed up, too

# Just like you Just like you

# Messed up, too Messed up, too

# Just like you Just like you

# We got way too much in common

# If I'm being honest with you

# We got way too much in common

# Since I'm being honest with you

# Who's going to love? Who's going to love?

# Oh, yeah

# Who's going to love? Who's going to touch?

# Oh, yeah

# Oh, baby

# La la la la la

# La la la

# La la la la la

# La la la. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Beautiful. Alicia Keys and her band and her backing singers.

Come and join me, you. That's gorgeous.

-Thank you.

-Thank you so much. Alicia Keys.

-Thank you.

Come and join us on the sofa.

Good sofa.

-Sit there, my darling.

-Hi.

-Hi. How are you?

It's Rhod, it's Tamsin, it's Kelsey, it's Salma.

Good to see you, how you doing?

-It's my baby.

-Ah!

This couch is funny. I was watching y'all.

-Do you know each other? Or was that just a fan...?

-No, no, no, I know.

But I am a fan.

Yeah, well, listen, we all are. Thank you very much.

That single is out now, In Common.

The voice is Alicia Keys,

but the vibe is kind of different, isn't it?

Yeah. No, definitely. I've been feeling different.

I've been feeling really connected to myself.

I've just been feeling like...

Being so good with being vulnerable and raw.

The song itself says, you know, if you can love somebody like me,

you must be messed up, too.

I feel like we're all works in progresses

and when we can admit and just own that,

you know, we set ourselves free.

I'm feeling good, it's summertime. We're like...

APPLAUSE

It's very sexy. It's very, very sexy, that song.

It's feeling good, thank you.

-There was a clubby, funky vibe.

-I loved it.

-It's lovely.

How does it work now?

We just buy that song right now and then...

And then the album will come later. Yes, you get this now so you can

just live and vibe and feel the summer vibrations.

And then when the album comes, you'll know.

And then you go and get it.

So, you're, like, teasing us.

-A little, tiny, tiny bit of foreplay.

-Oh, gosh.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much, Alicia Keys.

Very good.

OK.

I think we've just got time for a very quick visit

to the big red chair. So, who do we find there?

-Hello.

-Hello.

-He looks like...

-Aw!

-Oh, no!

He dressed to match a chair!

I hope it wasn't a good...

I tell you what, he can change his clothes and come back.

Who's up next?

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Yes, Graham.

He hasn't even taken his hat off!

Graham, you've dressed to match your chair, to be fair.

Give him a chance.

That's true, you've dressed to match your chair.

Well, I didn't... I was dressed.

-OK.

-OK, what's your name, sir?

My name is Pedro.

OK, lovely, Pedro. And do you live here or somewhere else?

I live in London but I am from Mexico City originally.

More Spanish in the show.

-You're cheering right now.

-I hope this story's not about me!

-You know it is going to be.

-Have I met you before?

Off you go, Pedro.

So, on weekends, my boyfriend and I run this Mexican-street-food stall

at Sunday Upmarket on Brick Lane.

And we sell these Mexican flatbreads that are stuffed,

-that are called gorditas.

-Oh, they're good.

I am sure Salma knows what gorditas are,

most people in London don't know.

We're the first people here selling them,

so we came up with the idea to try and yell out the

name of our product,

like they do in the markets in Mexico, to attract people.

Unfortunately, what we didn't know is that Sunday Upmarket,

it's very popular with Spanish tourists.

And actually, gorditas, the name of our product,

in Spanish means "little fat women".

It does!

So, after an hour of yelling, "Gordita! Gordita! Gordita!",

to people, we realised that it wasn't a good strategy because

we were calling customers fat.

So, we did not do it after that.

Yeah, whatever!

OK.

I want the address where I can go and buy the gorditas.

We'll get you gorditas.

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in the red chair,

you can contact us via our website at this very address.

That is it for tonight.

So, please say a huge thank you to my guests.

Alicia Keys! APPLAUSE

Mr Rhod Gilbert. APPLAUSE

Tamsin Greig. APPLAUSE

Kelsey Grammer. APPLAUSE

And Salma Hayek. APPLAUSE

Do join me next week, with music from Tom Odell,

Aussie heart-throb Liam Hemsworth, Hollywood star Jeff Goldblum

and the mighty Rock himself, Dwayne Johnson.

I'll see you then. Good night, everyone. Bye-bye!