Episode 13 The Graham Norton Show

On the show tonight, the stars of the remake of one of Hollywood's biggest comedies.

There's something strange in your neighbourhood.

Who you gonna call?

-Ghostbusters!

-She did it! Let's start the show!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you...

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Welcome to the show. It's Friday night. Yes, it is. It's the weekend.

Now, are you all enjoying the football in France?

CHEERING

Mm, how best to sum it up?

Liberte, egalite...

brutalite.

Whoa, it's rough, innit?

I tell you, it's so nice that the English fans have adopted

the French culture of just drinking on the pavement.

Yeah. Ha-her!

After the violence of the England-Russia game,

police accused some Russian fans of smuggling flares into the ground.

One of them's trouble. Honestly, look at that!

Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight.

Later, we'll be joined by the stars of the new Ghostbusters movie.

Yes, we will. Yeah. CHEERING

They'll be here.

And we'll have music from French singer-songwriter

Christine and the Queens.

Oh!

Elle est super chouette! Mignonne!

Hey, but let's meet my first guest tonight.

This controversial Hollywood star found fame in Platoon,

Wall Street and in the hit sitcom Two And A Half Men.

He's here in Britain to talk about how

he went from the highest-paid TV actor in the world to

one of the most spectacular falls from grace in recent years.

Please welcome the one and only Charlie Sheen, everybody!

Here he is! CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Hello, sir. Very nice meeting you. Come in, sit down.

It's Charlie Sheen!

Thank you.

It's the actual Charlie Sheen.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-We never thought we'd see the day.

-Mm.

-Now, Charlie Sheen...

-Sorry, likewise.

-So, first of all, thank you very much for being here.

No, thanks for having me.

A lot of times, guests sit down, I say, "How are you?"

-And it's just chat.

-Right.

-But it's a real question. How are you?

I mean, are you in a good place now? Where is Charlie Sheen right now?

-I'm in a great place.

-Oh, good.

-Can't you tell?

LAUGHTER

-AMERICAN ACCENT: You're on my show!

-Brilliant.

-But now, you're in town, you're doing a show?

-I am, yes.

-You're doing An Evening With Charlie Sheen...

-Yes, yes.

-..at the Theatre Royal.

Which, back in the day, used to cost ME money.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS

-Thank you.

LAUGHTER

An Evening With Charlie Sheen.

-That could go either way.

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Wow. Chapter 11, anyone?

-Drury Lane theatre on Sunday night.

-Yes.

So, when people go to Drury Lane, what's going to happen?

-What can they expect?

-Um, it's with Piers...

-Piers Morgan?

-Yes.

So we're just going to talk about all things past, present and future.

-OK.

-Cos that's not going to cover too much ground, right?

No, I'm excited to, you know...

First of all, thank you for all the fan mail

and all the interest that I get from the UK.

You guys are awesome. Thank you.

Thank you.

Um...

So, you know, I was invited to come and do this

and I thought, what better place to come and engage in some

face time and tell people exactly, you know, what's really going on?

And you're doing, I believe, maybe I'm wrong,

there's a Q&A with the audience, the audience are going to ask questions?

-It's going to be at the end.

-OK, yeah.

-Yeah, once they have all the facts.

Does that make you nervous,

like, just throwing it open to the audience?

That's the unpredictable moment of it all

but if somebody's off-colour, off-base,

and it's a question I don't really think is

appropriate for the moment or for the night,

then I just tell them, is that really a question that you

-would ask me in front of my parents at a dinner party, you know?

-Wow.

Is that where we're going?

LAUGHTER

They usually say yes. Um...

No, but it's, um...you know, these days, I...

I feel like the worm has turned or is turning

and it's been nothing but love and support and compassion and...

people reaching out to just, you know, wish me good tidings

and all that, you know.

Well, no, I... Genuinely, the applause is...

-People, I think, are happy to see you doing better and to see you in a better place.

-Is that true?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. You're very kind.

Now, I have to say,

slightly surprised that Piers Morgan's doing it,

cos he, I don't know if you know this, he's a big Donald Trump supporter.

-And I know you're not a fan.

-I'm really not. I'm really not, no.

I am... I am reminded of a time, about five years ago,

I was at a dinner with my ex-wife Brooke and her family and this and that,

and about halfway through, I...

I noticed, um...Donald staring at my watch.

And so he started saying, you know,

"Listen, I'm sorry that I wasn't invited to your wedding," this and that,

or, "I'm sorry I can't make your wedding."

-And I was like, "I didn't invite you."

-LAUGHTER

So, he says, "But, you know, I want to give you an early wedding

"gift as a gesture from me and Melania."

And she doesn't say a word.

She's very sweet and very pretty, but just kind of sits there.

-You know?

-Yeah.

-Anyhoo, so...

So, he says, "These are...these are platinum diamond Harry Winston,"

and he pulls off his cufflinks...

And he gives them to me.

And so, I'm like, "Oh, gosh, Mr Trump. You really shouldn't do this."

He goes, "No, no, it's the least I can do," and, you know, "Have a great marriage," and all that.

-Little did he know...

-LAUGHTER

So...

So, smash cut to about six months later,

I had some jewellery getting appraised at the house, you know?

And she finished and was leaving.

And I said, "Oh, yeah, you know, there's another couple of pieces

"that I have that I'm very curious about.

"Would you mind appraising these?"

She said, "No, what are they?"

I said, you know, I explained the dinner and this and that and these were from Donald Trump.

Harry Winston, you know, flawless Ds. Platinum.

She took the loop, spent about four seconds and, kind of,

recoiled from it, much like people do from Trump and...

LAUGHTER

And so...

So, she says, "In their finest moment, this is cheap pewter

"and bad zirconias."

And they're stamped "Trump."

And I just thought...

I just thought, "What does this really say about the man?" You know,

that he said, "Here's, like, a great wedding gift," and it's just...

It's just a bag of dog shit, you know?

LAUGHTER

Now, is it...is that the laughter I can hear coming from across the pond

at our country about this charlatan?

It's quite... Listen, it's scary times all over the place.

-It really is.

-But you're having very scary times.

But I have faith that good and decent people will make the right choice

and the circus will leave town before it contaminates the Oval Office.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-All right. Let's go back to...

-Table's too far.

-It is too far.

-I'm so sorry. It's to stop you drinking.

-Thank you.

LAUGHTER

-Damn it! Damn it.

-So, 2011, 2011's when it all went down.

-Yes.

And Two And A Half Men ended and dragon's blood, the notorious tour.

-Tiger's blood.

-Tiger's blood, not dragon's blood.

Haven't made it to dragon yet.

-That's in Lord Of The Rings, I think.

-Yes.

CHARLIE LAUGHS

And when you look back or think back, do you recognise that man?

Do you know what was going on in Charlie Sheen's head back then?

I recognise him by name, not by character.

It's a... It's very, um...

You know what the shame shivers are?

-Sort of.

-Yeah.

-I can imagine what they are, yes.

Yeah, we all can get a sense of what, you know, like, the night before, you're driving home

and like, "Oh, my God, I did that?"

Yeah, they're shame shivers watching, um...

whatever incarnation of who I thought I was in those moments.

I just think I got so tired of saying somebody else's words

and being told how to say them that I decided, in perhaps

inappropriate or radically inappropriate moments,

like the ABC interview, this and that, to write my own script.

-You know?

-Yeah.

And then things caught fire and the world stood up to notice

and I was just, sort of, along for the ride, you know?

Because it became a global story.

It went... Yeah. It went supernova.

-Yeah, it really...

-Yeah.

When...

-Again, looking back, when you were diagnosed as HIV-positive...

-Right.

..was that...

was that the thing that pushed you over the edge or was that just part of it?

-No, that was much later.

-OK.

So, it was like from one winning moment to the next.

LAUGHTER

No, people think that the tiger blood thing was me,

-sort of, you know, issuing a hint or something...

-Yeah.

..or some measure of I don't know what,

but, no, that was just what I call a...

-a triple C, a cosmic collision course.

-Yeah.

-You know?

So, that really had nothing to do with it,

but there was something radically liberating

and something very freeing about being able to come out,

you know, to say, "Look, here's what I've been dealing with."

Yeah, cos from the outside, from the outside looking in, that did seem like a pivotal moment,

-that your life was going to change.

-Right, and then outside,

if you don't mind my mentioning, you said that when they came back to me...

Oh...just to explain...

-Yeah, go ahead.

-So, if you... You could watch this on YouTube.

-Charlie did an interview with Matt Lauer...

-Yes.

-..in the States, where he came forward and said that you were HIV-positive.

-Sure.

And I was just saying, there's an amazing moment where it cut back to you,

and you rarely see this moment of someone who's...

-The weight is gone.

-Right.

You've told your secret and the world didn't end.

Ethereally, that was true internally and how I felt emotionally,

but what I did before we went to the commercial break,

I caught a glimpse of myself on the monitor and I was really dark,

and so during the break I told Gabe to come back out,

my make-up artist, and make my eyes a little lighter.

LAUGHTER

-You've ruined the moment!

-I'm so sorry!

APPLAUSE

GRAHAM LAUGHS

So, when you cut back to me,

I'm, like, totally lighter, younger and relieved, you know?

Worries of the world are gone, it was a make-up trick.

-And that's terrible!

-There's two strokes from a genius.

-This is...

-I talk about that moment, I talk about that moment.

-Yeah.

It's a trip, it's a trip.

-No, but...

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

I feel so duped. Thank you, good night.

LAUGHTER

Happy to help.

And...

Just to wrap up, where are you now?

Are you on a big health kick now?

Are you totally clean or do you still have a drink?

Yeah, I don't do drugs.

They don't... They just stopped working. Um...

LAUGHTER

-No, but...

-APPLAUSE

-They were not your friends.

-No, they were not.

-They were not your friends.

But, um...

I...don't drink. I sip.

-Yeah.

-Because I think that people that claim to be drinkers,

you know, like, "No, dude, you're a sipper. Come on.

"Get over your cheap self."

But it's not...

It's not for the reasons that it used to be about, you know?

And since it went so crazy, five years ago, you have become

this sort of polarising character.

-And you must encounter this, too...

-Sure.

..where there is, you know, some... not ill will,

but people, you know, are kind of like, "Whoa, that's Charlie Sheen. I don't want to get involved."

Even on this show, on Twitter and Facebook and things, people were like, you know,

-"You shouldn't have that man on the show..."

-Interesting.

-"..because of his past,

-"his reputation with women and drugs and things like that."

-Can I get those names?

-You can, yeah.

LAUGHTER

But I just wonder,

now are you, you know, just putting one foot in front of the other

and getting through this, or is there a sense that you're trying

to redeem yourself or reinvent yourself?

Um... Thank you. Yeah, no,

I understand that laughter heals

and, you know, what I do professionally

takes people away from things they don't want to think about

or be engaged in, but now I genuinely feel like

I'm part of something really important, you know?

And it was not my intention to become, you know,

the face of HIV and Aids,

but there's been nobody else,

and what was really cool is that it brought the dialogue

-and the awareness out of the shadows.

-Yeah.

And now there's a lot of people that come up to me in the street

or that call me and say, "Thank you for helping my brother,

"my father, my sister, my aunt," because now they feel comfortable...

-They can talk about it.

-..to have that dialogue, yeah.

Charlie, I've really enjoyed talking to you. It's been very nice.

An Evening With Charlie Sheen is on Sunday night at the Drury Lane theatre.

-Thank you so much for coming and sharing your stories.

-You're amazing.

-Charlie Sheen, everybody!

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right!

My next guests tonight are four of the funniest women in America.

Together they're rebooting one of Hollywood's favourite comedies, Ghostbusters.

Here's a taste of them in action.

-Uh, Ghostbusters.

-Ugh, Conductors of the Metaphysical!

OK, cool, see ya.

Hey, guys, which one of these makes me look more like a doctor?

-BOTH:

-Who was on the phone?!

The Sterlingbrook Theater.

There's a goat on the loose.

I'm going to load up the car.

OK. OK, OK!

# If there's something strange... #

Look at this beauty!

-What did you do to my uncle's hearse?!

-I fixed it.

Man, this is so inappropriate for this vehicle!

Whoo!

# I'm not afraid, not afraid

# Ooh, I'm not afraid

-# I turn my lights out

-Whoo

# Got me scared, whoo

# And I leave my bed I see shadows all over my walls

# Man, these monsters be big and tall

# Ghostbusters, who you gonna call? #

-Let's go.

-Let's go!

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Did you wanna...?

-I'm sorry, I'll let you.

-Next time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please welcome Kate McKinnon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kate McKinnon! Hello, my darling.

Nice to see you.

Leslie Jones, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Leslie Jones!

Hi. Oh, sit down, do.

Kristen Wiig!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay! Hello, lovely lady!

Hi, nice to see you.

And Melissa McCarthy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Showbiz, look at you!

Sit down, sit down.

-Oh.

-I had to be the non-lady.

I like the way our invisible waitress has arrived very quickly.

It's like lady, lady, lady, fella.

LAUGHTER

I'm taking that pineapple to go.

-Oh, how are you all?

-Great!

-Great, really.

-It's all happening, guys.

-This is so pretty and bright and festive!

-Yeah, it's like a television studio!

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Kinda. Kind of.

Now, congratulations on the movie.

Thank you!

You look like you're having fun in the movie,

so is this bit fun, too?

I mean, not THIS bit, let's not push it,

but the travelling the world,

the promoting it everywhere - is this still fun,

or is this kind of like, "ugh"?

-I like it.

-When we get to do it together, yeah.

Yeah, when we do it together it's fun.

Yes, I love it.

LAUGHTER

I love it!

No, really quiet down the end there! I was like, whoa.

This is so fun.

And this is funny because I ordered a white-wine spritzer,

and this is just straight white wine. So we'll see.

We'll give you the soda later.

And then you can jump up and down.

-This could really take a turn.

-Good, I hope it does!

LAUGHTER

So obviously, all friends now, but, Kristen and Melissa,

we knew that you knew each other,

-cos of course, Bridesmaids, famously.

-Even before then.

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We go way back to the Groundlings Theater.

Like, Kristen was at my wedding.

-Yeah, we go way, way back.

-Yeah, years and years before Bridesmaids.

-One hundred years!

"In the land before Bridesmaids..."

LAUGHTER

So on Bridesmaids - you did do a lot of proper bonding on Bridesmaids.

Didn't you have, like, party nights and stuff?

-We did a pre...

-There was a pre.

My co-writer Annie and I had the idea to get all the girls together,

plus the script supervisor, wardrobe, just all the women on the film, to bond.

-There were 40, I would say.

-There were a lot of people.

-40 women?

-Yeah.

-It was pitched to me as research,

because initially there was a scene

-where we went to a gentlemen's entertainment parlour.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Or a strip club.

-A strip club.

-A guys' strip club.

-Oh, a guys' strip club?

-Yeah.

-OK.

So we got a party bus with a lot of alcohol.

We had, like, a lot of booze.

Weird poles, which I was like, is that to hang on or dance?

-Did it have the disco lights in the bus?

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, fabulous!

And then we went to a strip club.

-Um, and we watched the show.

-They did vignettes.

-They did vignettes. It was not...

-There was like, Backdraft!

Like, they would all come out in firemen's stuff.

And then it was like...

Everything had the same theme, and everything involved...

It seemed like every number had a duster.

Everything had a long trench coat to the floor.

-A lot of equipment.

-But they did do...

-Do you remember The Matrix?

-The Matrix one, yeah.

Somebody was playing Neo.

Wonderfully.

LAUGHTER

There was a lot of long trenches and guys in suits,

and everybody had these very cheap glasses on.

But I couldn't figure out -

one guy had a huge, huge thick rope around his waist,

and I was like, "I have not seen the Matrix in a while."

-I couldn't figure out... Do you remember?

-Yes.

We were all like, "What's the rope about?! I don't remember a rope in The Matrix."

And they're, like, doing this synchronised dancing

and all the clothes are coming off. And we're like, "Put it on!"

And it went on and on. I'm still like, "I don't get what the rope is about."

And then the big move comes where, you know, the bullets come

and he does the back bend.

Clearly, this professional dancer could not do a back bend,

so the big move was like...

All of a sudden it's like, "Whoa!"

And somebody off stage is clearly holding the rope.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And a huge... Not like a thin string,

a huge rope held this guy up as he was like,

"Gaaaah!"

LAUGHTER

-That was...

-Yes.

That was a standout moment.

-Lot of themes. Lot of themes.

-A lot of themes.

-That's hilarious.

And Saturday Night Live also was a big bonding thing.

Now, Kristen, did you know Leslie and K-K...

HE STAMMERS: K-K-Kate?

-THEY IMITATE HIM:

-K-K-Ka-Ka?

-K-K-Ka. Ka, Ka!

We met...

-I think we met when I hosted...

-Masterminds.

Oh, no, we did a movie together.

-Then we worked together after that.

-After that. OK, yeah.

But now, you guys are still in Saturday Night Live.

Most people, I'm sure, know,

but it's a big comedy sketch show in America.

You've worked together for how many years now?

-It's been two. After one...

-LESLIE LAUGHS

Right? It's been three?

-Maybe three. I don't know.

-It's been three.

And for the first year, Leslie - my name is Kate McKinnon, and she...

LAUGHTER

I know that, but she came up to me and she said,

after a year of knowing me...

.."You all right, Kate Middleton?"

LAUGHTER

And were you joking?

No, I was not.

LAUGHTER

And I was like, "Who's Middleton, then?"

She was like, "A princess, bitch!"

LAUGHTER

I like that name.

I like Kate Middleton, I think she's awesome.

Her hair's awesome.

And, Kate, you do some great characters

-on Saturday Night Live.

-Thank you!

Your Justin Bieber is spookily accurate.

-Look at that!

-Incredible.

-That is incredible.

Thank you so much.

-You've done it in front of him, haven't you?

-I have not.

-Oh, you haven't?

-Have not breached the wall yet.

I met him before, cos he hosted SNL once.

That was before I started doing the impression of him.

But I was so struck by how...

This was before he got really beefy for those Calvin Klein ads.

And now he looks like, you know, a big beefcake.

But he was really very delicate,

and he had a very tender, beautiful,

just such a beautiful face,

and such a big, big hat,

and such big clothes, and just the most beautiful...

And I am a huge fan of his, and I love it.

Now, you have a special way of preparing the face, haven't you?

-Yes.

-Um, yes.

You want to look as though you've done something wrong, but like...

it's cute.

LAUGHTER

That is very good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And if somebody plays their cards right,

soon you'll be getting to play the President of the United States.

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

We've got a picture of you - you DID do it with her, though.

-Oh, my God.

-There's the real Hillary and then you.

I mean, did you tone it down when she was there?

No.

LAUGHTER

No.

Um, no.

No, I did it just the same,

and, oh, God, it was a great day.

It was just one of the greatest days.

I think we're friends.

I don't think she thinks we're friends.

I doubt that she thinks we're friends,

but in my mind we are friends, and I have her phone number.

I don't. But in my mind, I do,

and I can text her any time I want and say,

"Great speech, you killed it."

-You know.

-You're friends.

-But I don't have it, right?

Melissa, you've met her as well.

-We've got a picture of you.

-I did.

-There you are.

LAUGHTER

The one time in my life I'm going to be able to take a picture

with Hillary Clinton, I was so excited, and afterwards,

I was like, "I got her!"

And then Leslie goes, "I know, I photobombed you."

LAUGHTER

I got a selfie with everybody except for her, and I was like,

"I'm getting my selfie!"

LAUGHTER

-Leslie, you still do stand-up, right?

-Yes.

But you... This is such an extraordinary story -

so, you opened for Jamie Foxx?

Yeah, it was, like, the second time I ever performed, ever.

How was that possible?

OK, so, I went to college on a scholarship,

and they entered me into this Funniest Person on Campus,

and I won the contest and I was like, oh,

I'm the next Eddie Murphy, and I quit college and everything...

-I had a scholarship and everything...

-No!

Oh, no, the conversation with my father was the best one.

I called my father and I was like, "Yeah, you know, um,

"I gave up the scholarship, I'm going to be a comedian."

He was like, "What?!"

I was like, "I'm going to be the next Eddie Murphy."

He was like, "Eddie Murphy?! Eddie Murphy?!"

Then he called my mom and he was like,

"Ma! Hey! Tell her... Who told her she was funny?

"You have never been funny your whole life!

"I've known you your whole life, you have never made me laugh, ever!

"Who told you you was funny?! Who told you you was funny?!"

I was like, "Uh...

"Uh...

"Uh... All the people in the audience said I was funny, Daddy."

"THEY CRAZY!"

Oh, dear. Let's talk about the movie.

Ghostbusters, it opens everywhere on July 11,

-directed by Paul Feig, who also directed Bridesmaids...

-Yay!

-Yeah, very good. And indeed Spy...

-And Spy, and The Heat.

Why does he look so surprised in that picture?

Did they surprise him when they took it?

Like, "WHOA!"

It's always a challenge when you kind of dare to touch

a kind of fan favourite, but it's fair to say,

when you guys announced there was going to be this female reboot

of Ghostbusters, there was, like, Nerdageddon. I mean...

Oh, my God, that's the perfect word!

There was a meltdown in Nerdland.

Yup, yup.

Fellas all across the world in their mothers' basements rose up...

It was really fascinating.

You said a funny thing, you were like,

"It's like they announced they cast it with animals."

Like they weren't even going to have human beings in the movie.

It was also like, the announcement came out and it was like,

we are going to burn every version of the original two,

never to be seen again.

It's like, it's not an either-or thing, guys,

it's all still remaining.

It's a film about funny people fighting ghosts. You know, let's...

Thank you... Oh, sorry!

It's a movie, people!

And I think when people see it, they will be won over, because

they'll enjoy it, it's funny, and so, in this world, who are you all?

How do you become Ghostbusters?

Well... Do you want to take this?

Well, we're physi...

She's a physicist and she's a physicist and I'm a physicist,

-and...

-I work for the trains.

So, we kind of lose our job - I publish a book,

Kristen loses her tenure at a university,

Kate and I are working at a terrible university,

they also throw us out, so, we're kind of forced to say there

are these problems in the world and maybe somebody needs our help.

And of course, we saw in the clip there,

another addition to the cast, our good friend Chris Hemsworth.

-Yes.

-I mean...

-THEY SIGH

I think I've got a picture of Chris Hemsworth. Do I?

I do, I do, yes.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

That's just him coming out of his trailer.

-That's him coming out of his trailer.

-It's too much.

It's crazy, isn't it?

I just, at a certain point, I thought, I have never

rooted for someone maybe to be just an unbelievable jerk.

-I just needed something to be wrong with him.

-And there was nothing!

And also, the four of you, it must be annoying,

because you kind of think, oh, we are very funny and here's

this hunk - he's annoyingly funny!

He is hilarious. We were like, did you bring writers or something?

He was killing it, like, killing it.

He was funny like a guy that had to fight his way off the playground

his whole life and he had to be funny

-so he didn't get his ass kicked.

-Seriously, that's how funny he was.

It was very strange, and at one point, he started...

I don't know, we were talking about music or playing something,

and I said, "What song are you talking about?"

And he started singing, and I did not mean to,

but it was deep and guttural,

I was like, "YOU SHUT UP! You shut up, Chris!"

Because it was also...

He started to sound like a songbird,

and it was like, you can't have another thing! Just be quiet.

I don't tell people to shut up, but I was like, "You shut up!"

And I said, "Can you sing?" He was like, "Well, I can carry a tune."

I was like, "You shut up!"

Just never find out... I'm going to pretend

you're a terrible singer so I know you're human.

I bet he doesn't even have boogers. I bet it's just a hollow tube.

Yeah, or if he does have boogers, they taste like cornflakes.

Mm! Crispy! Kristen likes that, too.

-They taste sweet, right?

-Like Frosted Flakes.

-Yeah!

-He's hot, man.

-Can I just say, I think...

I think we've spent too long now, this is wrong.

You can't spend this long discussing someone on a show!

We were sad when he left - he got a cake, it was a lot.

-And he ate it and didn't get fat.

-He did not!

As he was eating cake, he got more chiselled.

But weirdly, I didn't have any cake, and when he was eating his,

I gained, like, six pounds.

Hemsworth!

We must talk about one more element of the film,

because it's in the original and it's back with a vengeance -

the slime. Where there were ghosts, there was...

-What is it supposed to be, ectoplasm or something?

-Mm-hm.

-It's supposed to be.

-Sorry, I said that like a doubter!

"Oh, it's ECTOPLASM?"

And, Kristen, you get the bulk of it.

-Yup.

-Yeah...

When I read it in the script, I was like, oh, cool, I get slimed a lot.

And after the first time when I...

found out what it was made of and how to "get it off",

because you can't put water on it,

-because it, like, multiplies...

-It gets slimier.

-It's a real phenomenon, I don't know...

-Who came up with that?!

I don't know!

There was always, like, four guys in masks going, "It's perfectly safe."

I'm like, well, why are you in... Aaagh!

You can't walk anywhere, it was so slippery.

You had to take, like, a dry washcloth -

which just feels great anyway - and just, like, get as much

as you can, and then you get in the shower and it just, like...

-Bloop, bloop! It comes back.

-It's a two-day...

-That must have taken you for ever to get it out!

-It did, it did!

Because you were encased in it.

I used her a lot to block it, I never got slimed.

There's a scene in the movie where Leslie literally picks

Kristen up and blocks her body. I may also have...

close-ups of Kristen on the ground getting violently slimed,

and I was like, I want to be supportive, but I'm just going to...

-There was a lot of...

-Yeah.

-They like a close-up during this torment.

Hey, good luck with the film.

Ghostbusters is out in cinemas from 11 July,

and here you all are taking on a ghost in the New York subway.

-What? No!

-It happened!

Do you see that? The eyes!

-Holtzmann, now is not the time to mess with me, all right?

-No.

-That is unsettling.

-Patty, can I get some

illumination on the subject?

Yeah, I can give you some light on that.

-Oh!

-Oh, boy.

Where are these ghosts coming from?

-We are taking this pretty boy back to the lab. Holtzmann?

-Yeah?

-Power us up.

-OK, going to plug these things in here. Erin, come here.

Hold that thing like this...

Why am I operating the untested nuclear laser?

You have the longest arms.

This is just a little bit of grounding

-so you don't die immediately.

-You HAVE done this before, right?

Ready, aim...fire!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

THEY MAKE "SAD TROMBONE" NOISE

OK, it is time for our musical act tonight.

I love this lady, she is a huge hit in her home country of France

and now she's set for international stardom.

Here performing her current single, Tilted,

it's Christine and the Queens!

# I'll die away before Methuselah

# So I'll fight sleep with ammonia

# And every morning with eyes all red

# I'll miss them for the tears they shed

# But I'm actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# I miss prosthesis and mended souls

# Trample over beauty while singing their thoughts

# I match them with my euphoria

# When they said, "Je suis plus folle que toi"

# But I'm actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted... #

SHE RAPS: Nous et la man on est de sortie

Pire qu'une simple moitie On compte a demi-demi

Pile sur un des bas cotes Comme des origamis

Le bras tendu parait casse Tout n'est qu'epis et eclis

Ces enfants bizarres

Craches dehors comme par hasard

Cachant l'effort dans le griffoir

Et une creepy song en etendard Qui fait...

# I'm doing my face with magic marker

# I'm in my right place, don't be a downer

# I'm doing my face with magic marker

# I'm in my right place, yeah

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# I'm good, hey, hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey, hey

# Oh, I'm good, yeah

# Oh, I'm good, yeah

# I am actually good

# Can't help it if we're tilted

# Twist it, twist it, twist it, twist it

# Twist it, twist it, hey, hey! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, Christine and the Queens!

That's beautiful! Come on, Christine. Where are the dancers?

-Those stunning dancers. Hello.

-Hello.

-Lovely to see you.

Come and meet the ladies.

Kate, Leslie, Kristen, Melissa, that's Christine.

Oh, please come to America!

Have a seat, do.

Seriously, it's so stunning, so distinctive, it's beautiful,

-really, really beautiful.

-Thank you.

I'm probably blushing, because I'm a fan of every one of you, sitting.

I'll probably be matching the couch, I'm sorry to say it!

Can I be one of your dancers?

-You can go on tour with me whenever you want.

-Yup, yeah!

-That has to happen.

-Actually, Christine, do you always work...?

Are those always your dancers, if you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, we've been working together for two years now.

Actually, I've been improving, thanks to them.

Before that, I was a bit more awkward.

Now I'm awkward, but with style.

Now, the album, Chaleur Humaine...

-Well said!

-Ooh!

C'est out now.

LAUGHTER

Out maintenant - I know one word.

Oh, there it is. And I've got that album, I love it.

I can't remember who recommended it to me,

but I just think it's a beautiful, beautiful album.

-Congratulations on it all.

-Yes.

And the dancing, that is the thing, people hear your music

and like it, but when you see it, it's so visual.

Do you do that, is there a choreographer who does it all,

how does that happen?

It's starting with me basically improvising in my own bedroom,

then improvising on stage, just doing openings,

and now I'm actually working with a woman, she's really gifted,

she has this really genderless energy, she's a French

choreographer, and actually, I've met the dancers thanks to them.

Thanks to her. I'm French, sorry! Excuse me.

Actually, this is a ridiculous question to ask,

but, I mean, you're probably just clever and went to school,

but is there a reason why your English is so good?

Well, you know what I mean,

if someone can speak a second language, you think,

"Wow! Where did you grow up? Are you in fact British?"

Yes, I am - undercover!

No, actually, my father is going to be happy,

because it's actually thanks to him - he's an English teacher.

Obsessed with the BBC,

-so I've been listening to the BBC since I'm young, basically.

-Oh, OK.

This is why I kind of sound like an English person.

-No.

-No, I don't, OK!

LAUGHTER

I sound like an English person. I mean, I KIND OF sound

-like an English person.

-And very exciting - you're doing Glastonbury?

-Yeah, I am.

-Which day are you doing Glastonbury?

Friday. I'm playing on Friday,

I think in the afternoon, twenty past three.

Is it English when I say that?

Twenty past three? Yeah.

Twenty past three, yeah, yeah.

Half past three, yeah. Go on at four, I don't care.

People are staying there in tents,

it doesn't matter what time you go on, they'll be there.

-And which one are you on? Are you on the Pyramid?

-I'm on the Other Stage.

I guess it's that.

If you can't see her, she is on the Other Stage.

I'm on the Other Stage. "She's on the other one, sorry."

If it's 3:20 and there ain't none of that, you know

she's on the Other Stage. "I've made a terrible mistake, I have."

Christine and the Queens, welcome to the world.

-We love you, you're just fantastic. Christine and the Queens!

-Thank you!

OK, that's nearly it.

Before we go, before we go, we are going to the red chair.

Now, what I'll say is, the red chair...

You've been here before, you know the red chair.

You will see what the red chair is.

What we've done is we've upped the ante tonight -

in honour of Ghostbusters, there is

the option of, as well as being flipped, you could be slimed.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Like I said, it's totally fine if you get slimed.

-It comes right off...

-It's like an aloe spot treatment, it's great.

-It's aloe, it's aloe.

-It's aloe!

-You've now made me feel bad!

So, the story will have to be very bad to get slimed.

-I will attempt not to slime anyone. Who is up first? Hello!

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-My name's Andrew.

-And where do you live, Andrew?

-In London.

-Just in London.

-Don't try and find him!

-Real vague. Real vague.

He's Andrew, he lives in a capital city. Don't mess with me!

-What do you do, Andrew?

-I work in music publishing.

-In music publishing! Hmm!

-I found it too comfortable.

What's your story, Andrew?

OK, so, couple of years ago, my family and I were on holiday,

staying at a hotel in Cornwall, and the hotel had, like, a spa connected

to it, so we decided to use the pool and sauna one afternoon.

So, we all went into the sauna, and lo and behold,

Duncan Bannatyne was sitting in there, of Dragons' Den fame...

-I'll stop you there. You don't know who that is.

-Yeah.

It makes it a better story, but not if you don't know who he is.

Do you have Dragons' Den?

-No.

-It's called something else, Dragons' Den. Shark Tank?

-Shark Tank, yes!

-Oh!

-He's one of our Shark Tank people. OK?

Slime him.

No, not him! Not him!

Wow, you have an easy trigger finger on that slime machine!

OK, so Duncan Bannatyne is in the spa...?

So, Duncan is in there, and my cousin,

who is sitting next to him, after a couple of minutes

of sitting in there, lets out this big, fat fart.

-LESLIE:

-That's so disgusting.

A couple of moments of awkward silence,

and my cousin just looks at Duncan and goes,

"And for that reason, I'm out."

That is a very good story.

Will we let him walk? You can walk, you can walk, Andrew.

Yay! Well done, you.

OK, we are going to squeeze in one more.

OK, last one, here we go. Last one.

THEY SHRIEK

Slime him! Slime him! Slime him!

Slime him, for the love of God!

You should get slimed!

How dare you! How dare you, Leslie Jones!

-Is this someone you know?

-It is Paul Feig, our lovely director.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Slime him! Slime him!

See the respect I command?

No, but here's the thing... Do you have a story to tell?

Well, I actually want to throw it back on the ladies, because

since we are all in the business of ruining men's childhoods...

-Thank you.

-Kristen and Melissa,

they came up with this way to really enrage men, which they thought

would be to do the folk lady version of Ghostbusters.

So, I would like them to perform that for you.

-Oh, that's so cool, yes!

-Only if for sure Paul gets slimed.

-OK, so, that's a deal?

-In my lovely suit?

That is a suit he would die in.

You do the folk Ghostbusters, then we slime Paul,

-is that the deal?

-Paul, do you know you're about to get slimed?

-What?

-Not his suit!

-OK, we'll just aim for his face.

-Somebody keep him in that chair.

-You have to scat, too. You have to

scat in it. She scats Ghostbusters too, it's awesome.

-It's not really scatting!

-OK, I don't know what this is, but go on.

Please, come on.

# When there's something strange in your neighbourhood

# Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!

# Be-bop, be-bop, doodle-oo Be-bop, be-bop, doodle-oo

# Be-bop, be-bop, doodle-oo Doo-doo-doo! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, we're timing them, you're being slimed!

And now let's get rid of you. There he goes!

Oh, my God!

His suit! He didn't...

You don't understand how much he loves his suit!

-You don't even know what's going to happen to us.

-You don't even know...

If he likes suits, he'll have another one.

You don't understand, Paul is going to kill us!

OK, if you'd like to join us on the show and have a go on the red chair,

you can contact us at this address. That is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests, Christine and the Queens!

CHEERING

Kate McKinnon! CHEERING

Leslie Jones! CHEERING

Kristen Wiig! CHEERING

Melissa McCarthy! CHEERING

And Mr Charlie Sheen! CHEERING

Join me next week with music from Josh Homme and Iggy Pop,

Aussie comedian Rebel Wilson

and the Absolutely Fabulous Joanna Lumley and Jennifer Saunders.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everyone, goodbye!