Episode 1 The Graham Norton Show

Ladies and gentlemen, I can't stop the feeling about this guy.

I mean, he's just... he's bringing sexy back.

LAUGHTER

He's back!

Whatever, I didn't write this cold opening!

Cry me a river, welcome to The Graham Norton Show!

APPLAUSE

This programme contains very strong language.

WHISTLING

Oh!

Oh! Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes!

It's me!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

I did that! I did that! I did!

Hello!

Oh, too kind!

Good evening! Good evening,

you're very welcome.

Yes, we're back for the new season.

I must say, we've got a great show for you tonight.

I am so excited about this evening.

Honestly, I'm like Keith Vaz when his wife goes out.

LAUGHTER

That's excited, isn't it?

That is very excited.

It seems like I've been away for ages,

ladies and gentlemen.

To give you some idea, the last time I was here,

Labour had just elected Jeremy Corbyn as their leader

and the England football team was looking for a new manager. Hm?

LAUGHTER

Times, they change.

Yes, Big Sam has quit after being caught up in a £400,000 deal.

Here is Big Sam.

Big, not necessarily clever.

LAUGHTER

Don't you think, though, that's not a great nickname, is it? Do you know what I mean?

You're not The Special One, The Chosen One, no,

just "Big". That's all it is.

Big Sam. What a legend.

The only England manager, I'm here to tell you,

never to have been beaten.

Played one, won one. That's it!

LAUGHTER

The Chilean miners lasted longer, ladies and gentlemen.

LAUGHTER

What else have I missed?

Well, in television news,

Channel 4 bought The Great British Bake Off for £75 million.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Where did Channel 4 get that money?

How busy is that restaurant in First Dates? I mean, really.

LAUGHTER

Mary and Mel and Sue, they're staying,

so Channel 4 has basically spent £75 million on a tent,

a big bag of flour and Paul Hollywood.

The tent and the bag of flour I get, but Paul Hollywood?

Actually, the real reason Mary Berry isn't going

is because she got drunk and punched a producer.

LAUGHTER

Sherry trifle, lethal!

And finally, disturbing royal news about Pippa Middleton.

GRAHAM GASPS

She has been granted an injunction preventing the publication

of "intimate and personal" photos. You know...

Mind you, if you know where to look, they're already on the internet.

LAUGHTER

You know they have!

Right, we've got a great sofa for our first show,

so let's get some guests on! WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Later we'll be chatting to the fabulous Robbie Williams! Yeah!

And he'll be performing a single from his new album.

But first, he started out as the world's most famous child star,

then broke the mould to become

one of our most daring and interesting actors

on both stage and screen.

It's our very good friend, Daniel Radcliffe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, I'll do that!

I will greet you. Hello, sir, lovely to see you! Hi!

There you go.

Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe, right there. Yes.

She's the Oscar-nominated star of Up In The Air, Into The Woods

and the hugely successful Pitch Perfect movies.

Now she's voicing Princess Poppy in the new film Trolls.

Please welcome Anna Kendrick, everybody.

APPLAUSE Oh! Welcome!

Hi!

All right? There she is, Anna Kendrick!

Make her welcome.

And starring alongside Anna in Trolls,

this man went from hit boyband NSYNC

to become one of the world's biggest music stars...

WHOOPING Yeah!

It's a very warm first-time welcome to Grammy-winning,

Emmy-winning, actor extraordinaire, Justin Timberlake!

APPLAUSE

Yes! Yes! There he is!

That's it! That is him!

Hi, we should've warned you about her, we should've warned you.

You're very welcome.

Justin Timberlake, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Sit down! Sit down!

Did you just do a piece of physical comedy?

-I was trying to do my Peter Sellers bit.

-OK.

-How did it go?

-Nobody liked it.

-No-one saw?

-LAUGHTER

They were busy clapping, they love you.

Now, Justin Timberlake, you've never been here before?

-My first time with you.

-That is weird.

WHOOPING

-I'm already comfortable, by the way.

-That's good, I'm glad.

-Already comfortable.

-You should be, you should be.

-Drink your tea.

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

-Anna Kendrick...

-Or is it?

Drink it quickly! Er... LAUGHTER

I have a cab waiting. Now, Anna Kendrick...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anna Kendrick...

You started that!

Anna Kendrick, you join us here in Britain at sad times,

sad times, because The Great British Bake Off...

-I can't talk about it!

-You're genuinely upset, aren't you?

I'm really upset.

-She's...

-You're all upset, it's fine.

We've been doing press together for Trolls

and she's actually mentioned how, like, obsessed...

-she is.

-Don't make me sound weird.

-No...

It's a very popular show, we're all obsessed by it.

-You wouldn't be excited about...cake.

-Idiots.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm very sad, but also it's so great that it

sort of immediately turned Mel and Sue into folk heroes

and we're all so proud of Mary for following suit.

And then it's like, of course Paul stayed!

LAUGHTER

With your bread and your goatee!

Nobody likes you.

Please don't come to America and be mean to me!

LAUGHTER

I'm so scared of you!

Would you actually... Can you bake?

Would you go on the celebrity edition?

-I can bake, but I like to take my time.

-OK.

I like to put on a DVD with commentary, bake,

and that fills up my brain to capacity

and I can't be worried about "Nobody likes you," cos I'm just like...

-Butter and sugar!

-LAUGHTER

Some of us have Adele in the bathtub,

Anna has DVD commentary and butter and sugar.

But, actually, don't mock her baking.

-You like baking.

-No, I do, I do.

We've got photographic proof of you liking baking.

-Yes.

-Look at that! How cool...? Look at that.

I'm going to bake in a beanie!

-I'll tell you what that is, Graham...

-Ooh, yes?

It was chilly outside....

and I'd just come from the porch of my house...

-Where's the photo again?

-There.

-Yeah,

that's a real man with a pink mixer, OK, bro?

LAUGHTER

That's what that is. I was having a little fun.

Daniel Radcliffe, the last time you were here,

you caused a bit of a sensation because we discovered,

do you remember, we did the time travelling thing?

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-They did it on an American chat show with you, as well.

-Yes.

-Yes, they nicked your bit.

-I know.

-There you go.

So, we're going to do that again.

This is just, we discovered, this is very weird, Daniel Radcliffe...

I know what you're talking about!

I look like many different people throughout history...

There's one, I hope the one you're going to show

is the one that simultaneously looks like a 12-year-old me and a 75-year-old woman.

-We've got that one.

-Yeah, OK.

The first one is like a very easy game of Where's Wally?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that was me...

This one is adorable, I love this one.

You just want to hang out with her, don't you?

Yeah, that's the one I mean!

LAUGHTER

-No, there's a better one...

-How does that look like me at 12 and yet an old lady at the same time?

No, there's a better one of you looking like you

-at 12 and an old lady.

-OK.

-This one.

That one! That one!

Yes! But I look like so many old women!

It's incredible!

Now, we bring it up, because...

-apparently, you're not the only time traveller. No, no.

-What?

Justin Timberlake, have you seen this picture?

I did.

-I think it's from 1870, this is real, 1870...

-Yeah.

-Annoyingly, you've shaved off your facial fluff.

-Right.

-Cos here you are in 1870.

-OK. Yeah...

LAUGHTER

That looks pretty good, right?

-Look, see?

-Can we get...

-Yeah.

-..like, a side-by-side?

-Let's do it.

-I can see if I can...

-Oh, look. Oh...

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

-That hand...

-There you go.

-So, like...

-Other way. No...

LAUGHTER

Er...

-LAUGHTER

-No...

Push me in the right direction, cos I'm having,

I'm having, like, 50-50 dyslexia.

Stop moving!

Oh, yeah, that's it!

That's it! Very good. APPLAUSE

Uncanny.

Now, Justin and Anna are here

because you've got a new movie out, Trolls,

it's out on 21st October,

it's the latest from DreamWorks, and it's based on...

You're probably too young...

-No.

-No, we're 16 years old...

They were popular in the '70s, troll dolls were kind of '70s.

They were popular...

Like, the little plastic ones,

especially, like, the pencil toppers

and the ones with the little jewels and the belly buttons were, like, '90s kids stuff.

But these are just slightly,

for instance, there isn't a big hole right here...

Excuse me?

LAUGHTER

Trolls always had a big hole so you could stick 'em on a pencil.

-Well, the pencil toppers ones, yes, Graham.

-Yeah!

-But there are other types of trolls too.

-Were there?

-Yeah.

We just had...

Did we have other trolls?

I just thought, I thought they all sat on pencils!

They weren't just for pencil topping!

But it's interesting...

Stop saying "topping"!

Cos you can just...

You brought up the hole, man.

You could describe them as a pencil topper, or you can say,

"Yeah, they had a big hole, right here,"

which is what you chose to do!

That was your choice.

Everyone on THIS side of the room says "pencil topper".

You decided you'd point out that there was a large hole...

-In their crotch.

-Yeah.

You pick up a troll, find a big hole.

Notorious are these things, people who star in these movies,

this is where they meet, they meet when they're doing the promo...

It's not going well so far.

Because of the singing, presumably you did meet along the way?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, we actually did work together.

We did all the music together cos Justin is the

executive producer of the soundtrack!

-Wow.

-And they brought Justin on,

I had been doing the movie for a couple of months

and they were happy with how it was going

and they wanted to bring Justin on to the movie,

but the day that they told me, it was all very serious,

cos they wanted to make sure I was OK with it or something.

They were breaking it to me and I thought I was going to get fired or something.

"Is it OK if we bring Justin Timberlake?"

Not like, "Is it OK?" but "We're going to bring Justin Timberlake

"on to do all the music. How do you feel about that?"

I was like, "OK..."

LAUGHTER

-It could've gone either way! Could've gone either way!

-It's true.

-The jury's still out.

-Little did she know...

He was there for all my music sessions and was basically the guy

behind the glass, he presses the button to be like,

"Do it better!"

-That was him.

-LAUGHTER

"Do you want to be a star or not?"

-Yes...

-I misinterpreted it that way, he was really nice.

"How did you feel about that one?

"Good?

"Yeah... Let's do one more!"

No, it was, you know, obviously, from Pitch Perfect movies,

this one over here's got a very, very good voice.

-Yeah.

-So...

-APPLAUSE

They agree!

That was light applause!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You got to commit to it!

I'm leaving.

I love that, "My singing is better than that!"

That was a golf clap.

All right, let's take a look at a clip from Trolls.

This is Branch, your good self,

and Princess Poppy starting out on a quest to rescue their friends.

Bam, bam...

Do you have to sing?

I always sing when I'm in a good mood.

-Do you have to be in a good mood?

-Why wouldn't I be?

By this time tomorrow, I'll be with all my friends.

SHE STRAINS

I wonder what they're doing right now.

-Huh!

-Probably being digested.

-They're alive, Branch. I know it!

-You don't know anything, Poppy.

And I can't wait to see the look on your face when you realise

the world isn't all cupcakes and rainbows, cos it isn't!

Hey, I know it's not all cupcakes and rainbows,

but I'd rather go through life thinking that it mostly is

instead of being like you.

You don't sing, you don't dance - so grey all the time.

-What happened to you?

-Ssh!

A Bergen?

Maybe!

There's no Bergen, is there?

You just said that so I'd stop talking.

Maybe.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Did you? Did you?

-I made some bold, bad choices.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Sorry, I'm getting bonus side stories that you don't get to know.

That's annoying. I'll watch the rushes.

Now, Justin, obviously you were in Shrek before this,

but is it different making a movie like this now that you're a dad,

-thinking...

-Sure.

-..that, you know...?

-Yeah, I mean...

He's amazing, by the way.

Ooh, actually, you posted a pic of you and him.

Do you mind if we show the pic of you and him? It's adorable.

I feel that I don't have a choice.

We can cut it out afterwards. But it's so cute.

-How cute is he?

-Aw!

Silas.

-Silas, yes.

-Silas.

-He looks nothing like that any more.

I really thought you were going to say "nothing like you".

I will say thank God for his mother, I will say that.

-He's actually seen the movie.

-Has he?

JUSTIN LAUGHS

One of the perks, baby, one of the perks.

Does he know it's you?

Cos you sound really different.

He doesn't know that I'm playing Branch,

but he knew Can't Stop The Feeling.

-OK.

-That was sort of the first thing that, you know...

I don't know that he actually registers what it

really means or what it is.

-That his dad wrote it...

-Right, exactly. Um...

But, you know, he's like, "Poppy sad."

-That's my character. That's not him.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-And, uh...

You know, the movie ended, and he was, "Trolls, again."

-Aw.

-And I was like...

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-APPLAUSE

-No, that's not...

Aw.

But it's like, you know... It's...

You know, watching him learn something every day, it's crazy.

It's really... They teach you so much, too.

I'm sure you've all seen...

The video for Can't Stop The Feeling is just adorable

with the people dancing.

These people dancing, please say "Yes"

when I say, "Are these ordinary people?"

These are people that aspire to be dancers.

Aw. Well, we all aspire. LAUGHTER

-Aw, look at them go.

-They were fantastic.

I had more fun with that than I think any sort of piece

that you have to do...like that.

Now, the thing is, we all have a dance move we break out, right?

So, we were asking the audience about their signature dance moves.

-So...

-I see cameras turning around!

-LAUGHTER

Everybody got really giggly all of a sudden.

-I see everyone... Yeah. I see...

-OK, let's do this.

-Yeah.

Where's Lisa? There's Lisa. Now, Lisa has two moves.

So, tell us the names of your two moves.

The Sprinkler and The Lawn Mower.

The Sprinkler and The Lawnmower. OK.

-Definitely into gardening.

-She loves her gardening.

OK, do you want to step out into the aisle there?

We'll play a bit of music. We can see The Sprinkler first.

-And then, what is it, The Lawn Mower?

-Yeah.

The Lawn Mower. OK. OK. So, play a bit of music. Here we go.

MUSIC: Can't Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake

Oh, Sprinkler! Sprinkler! Well done.

Lawn Mower now. Lawn Mower. Lawn Mower.

-Good! Yes!

-Beautiful. Well done, Lisa. Very good.

APPLAUSE Now, next up...

A push mower.

-Not a riding mower.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah, that's vintage!

No, you're just fancy!

You've changed!

-"What's she doing?"

-"What is that?"

LAUGHTER

Where is Calum? There's Calum.

Calum's is really specific.

What's... Oh, take out your gum. LAUGHTER

It's called Spit The Gum.

It's really good. LAUGHTER

Classy, Calum, because who knew I was coming to you next?

"They're doing that dancing item they told me about!"

Was that in a tissue or anything or is your friend just holding that?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You're a good friend!

I've got to say, though, Calum, I respect your humility...

..because you decided there's no way

you could possibly do this dance move

and chew gum at the same time!

I respect that humility. He wants to nail the dance move.

-It is complicated.

-OK.

-OK, Calum.

Tonight, Calum will be attempting...

The Daddy Box Step with The Robert De Niro.

OK, that's a lot. That is a lot. OK, Calum, out into the aisle.

-Let's see if he can actually do this.

-The Daddy Box Step?

-It's Dad Box Step with De Niro.

-OK.

-OK. OK, let's start the music.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-I need a second.

-He needs a second!

Stop the music! LAUGHTER

-I just need to get the face going.

-Oh, man!

-OK.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Oh!

OK. Now start the music. Start the music. Here we go.

MUSIC: Can't Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake

Very good!

Calum, everybody! Good!

You know what?

-He has so pulled. He has so pulled doing that.

-You can't...

-You can't... While you chew gum, you can't do it.

-No!

LAUGHTER

-That was terrifying!

-That's the best bit.

-She's just offered it back to him!

-LAUGHTER

-I've got a feeling...

-LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Wow.

-Wow.

-Oh, dear!

Where is Susie? Susie. Oh, there's Susie.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-What is the name of yours now?

-Uh, The Shopping Cart.

-She remembered. Well done.

Can you do it in your seat or do you need to come out into the aisle?

-I do need to come out.

-Oh, she needs to come out.

-Let her out. She needs space!

-Make way.

-She needs space for it.

-Oh, man.

-OK, here she comes.

OK. Yeah, yeah. Just there.

-Yeah. Good, good.

-Nice.

-OK, play some music.

-We'll do The Shopping Cart. Here we go.

-I'll go help.

-Oh, he's going.

MUSIC: Can't Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake

-Hi.

-We've got to be in sync.

What am I doing?

-That's your trolley.

-OK.

-That's your hand.

-OK.

-You can do that arm.

-This arm?

You grab an item and you push it for a while.

-Oh, so we're pushing the same cart?

-We can do.

-OK.

All right, I'm ready.

-We're doing it.

-CHEERING

One, two, three.

Oh, yes! Oh! CHEERING

That is...

-That's really good.

-Very good.

Well done! Well done, Susie.

Right, now, Daniel Radcliffe, you've got a couple of films,

neither of which is suitable for children.

-I think that's fair to say.

-Yes, no. They're not.

They are not...

Yeah. Go take your kids to see Trolls,

not Imperium or Swiss Army Man.

Send them into Trolls, and then you go into the other screen.

-Yeah. There you go.

-That's what you've got to do.

-Absolutely.

Imperium, let's talk about Imperium.

Imperium is out now. And this is an extraordinary... It's a true story.

Yeah, it's based on the experiences of a real FBI agent

who went undercover with neo-Nazi

white supremacist groups for 12 years,

and it's a sort of amalgam of lots of his different experiences.

But everything in the film has happened to him or someone else.

A musical as well.

-LAUGHTER

-It's a musical, yes.

It is a musical.

And it's actually very... It's similar to Trolls.

-Um...

-It is not...

-It is not similar...

-..similar to trolls.

-No. Sorry, DreamWorks.

-But you met the...

I met the real guy. Yeah.

One of the coolest things about my job is that I get to,

you know, talk to a real FBI agent, and he's a very interesting guy.

His name is Mike German, and he now sort of does work...

Seriously, his name is Mike German?

-Mike German, yes.

-LAUGHTER

Which is less funny in America.

Um, but, yeah,

and he went undercover with a lot of Nazis.

And, yeah, it's a really fun...

It's not a fun movie. It was fun to make.

-It's not fun to watch.

-But even making it, though,

must've been uncomfortable because the things you have to say...

-Right, yes. Yeah.

-..and the words you have to use...

-Yeah, it's not fun.

-And you're saying them to real people.

-Yes.

I mean, obviously, everyone understands that it's acting,

but it still feels weird and horrible to say that stuff,

so I sort of found myself going up to people in between takes

and being, "I'm so sorry."

-And you're British. You must've been SO sorry.

-I was!

-LAUGHTER

-"I'm so sorry! I'm so...

-"I'm SO sorry!"

-Levels of apology as yet unfathomed.

It was really... I felt awful.

And also when we were doing scenes

where we'd be filming a massive KKK rally scene,

and we're quite a small crew,

so there's only one guy with the camera.

So, from a distance, you just see a KKK rally.

And so people would be driving by getting really angry,

and then all the skinheads and me,

we'd all be just like, "No, it's fine! We're not really!

-"This white power..."

-They do that, though!

-They would be real but...

-But, yeah, it was very... It was odd.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Listen, we've got a clip.

This is where one of the gang leaders

-is beginning to suspect...

-Yes.

-..that you may not be the real deal.

Chris Sullivan, yeah.

What's your opinion on infiltration?

Uh, how do you mean?

How do we prevent it?

Well, uh, it's tough.

For one thing, you got to keep guys

with rap sheets out of important positions.

That's how they flip most people.

We have a polygraph back at the compound.

Maybe we should make everybody take it.

I think someone who's trained can beat a polygraph without blinking.

Yeah.

Maybe we should just do background checks for everybody,

get everyone's records and documents together.

Yeah, I mean, for informants, that might work,

but for the law enforcement, they just forge whatever they need.

Yeah, but with a few phone calls, you know...

..cover only runs so deep.

Do you suspect someone?

-APPLAUSE Oh!

-That's fascinating.

It's a really... It actually turned out really well. Yeah.

-Looks great.

-Thank you, dude. Cheers.

Because, you know, movies are a long time in the planning,

but the release does seem quite timely,

because you do kind of fear that these sorts of attitudes

-are becoming sort of legitimised and more mainstream.

-Absolutely.

Like, we had no idea.

It's not like none of these things were a problem

when we made the film. That's obviously why we've made it.

But at no point when we were making it

did we think that so much of those views would be shifting

into the mainstream.

Like, you know, Mike - Mike German - he talks about how, you know,

these views were expressed in the '90s,

were just told about in basements and behind closed doors,

and now it's obviously in a very public platform.

Now, talking of public platform,

I heard you talking on a show where you met Donald Trump.

-Yes.

-But not particularly because you wanted to.

-No.

I was like, "Oh, I love real estate!

"I have to go meet him," when I was really young.

-LAUGHTER

-No, I was, like, 11 or 12,

and it was when we were doing press for the first Potter movie

where they took us to New York and it was the first time

doing the morning shows in New York.

And I was about to go on The Today Show.

I've never been on American morning TV before,

and I was quite nervous.

And Donald Trump had also been on that day, and so...

That's Donald Trump,

for those of you who had blissfully forgotten what he looked like.

LAUGHTER

But then they walked me over to him, cos clearly they were like...

Somebody said, "Want to meet the kid who plays Harry Potter?"

And he was like, "Sure." I don't know how that conversation went.

But they walked me over to him, and he said,

"Hi. Nice to meet you," and I said, "Nice to meet you."

And he said, "How are you?"

I said, "Really, I'm quite nervous. I've never been on TV before.

"I don't know what I'm going to talk about."

And he, brilliantly, just said,

"You just tell them you met Mr Trump."

-LAUGHTER

-To me, that's like...

That is the Everest of self-confidence.

Like, imagine if I'd just been to you,

"When you go on that show, just talk about me."

"Don't even talk about your stuff."

-Look at the two Americans, and we are both just like...

-Sad.

-Yeah.

-.."Oh."

-They're laughing. You're really sad.

-I know. You're all laughing.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-But also, this is kind of the problem...

-It's funny now...

-..cos you do end up talking about him.

-Yeah.

And we should be talking about the other people.

Cos I know you're...

Well, the beauty of the whole thing is you have to,

cos he just doesn't talk about himself.

-You feel like you have to...

-LAUGHTER

-Someone promote this guy.

-Yeah, exactly.

You're a big Hillary supporter. I know you've done benefits and...

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-I am.

But you must know the White House very well,

because you seem to go there a lot.

-Oh, yeah. I'm there all the time.

-What's the...?

Have you played basketball there or something?

Well, so, I was asked by President Obama to...

Everyone hates you already.

Well, it was more or less, like, you know...

-IMITATES OBAMA:

-.."Just come and sing something."

LAUGHTER

But I got there early cos they offered to give us a tour

of the White House...again, and you had heard these...

LAUGHTER

You know, cos I had been there with...

Yeah, I know. We so heard the "again". Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Guys, stay with me.

-"I'd love to see what you've done with the place."

-Yeah.

"So, it's different.

"Wow. You've really done a lot with the kitchen."

No, so, I'd heard these rumours

that President Obama had his own basketball court,

to which I had never heard that there was even a basketball court.

You always heard about presidents playing golf,

so I was like, "Can I see the basketball court?"

And they let me go to the basketball court,

and the balls have "President Barack Obama"...

-That's awesome.

-..stitched in, like, "Spalding NBA..."

-Did you steal one?

-No.

I didn't.

I asked for one, and they said no.

So, but I was shooting hoops on the court,

and I was able to have my manager film me,

and I made a half-court shot.

It only took me, like, 40-something tries.

I made a half-court shot and videotaped it,

and then there's a picture...

-I think we've got the picture, yeah.

-So, I'm actually showing him...

Because, you know, everything you do there,

everyone obviously knows about it.

I showed up and he goes,

"I heard you were trying to play basketball on my court."

-And...

-And you're like, "I was good, though!"

And I was like...

"Trying"? OK, hold on...President.

You know, and then I showed him the... He...

I mean, can we just talk about what an amazing president...?

-He's amazing.

-APPLAUSE

Now, Daniel Radcliffe, we must also mention...

Honestly, this is already

one of the most talked about movies of the year.

-Swiss Army Man.

-Right.

-It's out today.

-Yes.

And it's one of those movies, people see it and they love it,

or they see it and they go, "What was that?"

No, it is. There's pretty much only two reactions to it.

I mean, it's the thing that I've done that I honestly think

I'm the most proud of, just because it's absolutely crazy.

It's completely gross and completely beautiful

and completely dumb and very, very clever at the same time.

And the fact that it manages all that stuff...

Somebody said it was like a Terrence Malick film

written by the Farrelly brothers.

It's just like an amazing combination of, like,

the most beautiful things you've ever seen

and stupidity. But it's...

Honestly, if I could...

It's a very hard one to pitch, but if I could explain it very quickly,

then we wouldn't have had to make it.

I'm sure you'll do better than we did with Trolls.

-LAUGHTER

-It's a kids' movie. No, it is...

Basically, Paul Dano plays a guy who is a sort of suicidal man

on a desert island, and just as he's about to top himself

at the beginning of the movie,

he sees a dead body wash up on the shore.

-Bring the kids.

-Yeah, bring your kids.

And that body is played by me. He...

After a few minutes,

he's trying to make his final speech and his last words,

and every time he gets to the point where he's about finished,

he just hears gas escaping from this body, so he's like,

"I can't make this sort of profound thing

"while this corpse is farting in front of me,"

and sort of ruining his last moments.

And then he notices that the body starts to move around

in the water, and within about two minutes,

he rides me like a jet ski across the open ocean to safety,

and then the movie gets sort of progressively weird from there.

LAUGHTER

I have to say, you play a dead body throughout...

-Yeah.

-..and yet strangely,

it is one of the most life-affirming films you'll see.

-Yeah, it is.

-It's joyous.

-It is joyous.

It's about joy. Like, the principal...

You mean he literally rides you like a jet ski?

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

It's amazing. Seriously.

And the music, the soundtrack is amazing.

-It just registered with me.

-Yeah.

-I must see this movie.

Really, it's really, really special, and, yeah, just like nothing else.

We've got a few visual things.

Just because you're not playing just a corpse.

Yeah, I play a sort of magical dead guy.

-So, you produce water.

-I am the Swiss Arm Man.

You can sort of walk a bit.

That's Paul puppeteering me, telling me I'm special.

This is amazing. You can shoot things out.

Look at that. That's good. You shoot things.

That thing is a machine gun.

-Chopping stuff.

-You're useful. LAUGHTER

-Yeah. I'm...

-You're really useful.

-That is the Swiss Army Man.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

People who are in film look at that and go,

"Cool! That looks like nothing else. That looks really exciting,"

-which is a nice...

-That looks fucking rad.

LAUGHTER

-Put that on the poster.

-Get that on the poster.

"Fucking rad" - Justin Timberlake.

-Sorry.

-Actually, cut your whole explanation, and just use that.

Yeah. In fact, don't even ask me about the film. Just ask Justin.

The dead eye thing, you can do the dead eye thing.

Yes, the dead eye thing was a thing I thought everybody could do,

where I just make one of my eyes go a bit lazy and weird. Yeah, see?

-I can do that too.

-Some other people can do it. You're doing something.

-It's effective. I don't know. Yeah.

-Now I'm embarrassed...

cos I don't know if I can do it.

I think I've got a slightly lazy eye anyway,

and so I just did that and it just makes me look very dead on screen.

And they put all the other make-up on and stuff, and when I saw that,

it was like, "OK, I don't have to worry about playing dead.

"I look really, really dead."

-But they made a dead Daniel.

-Yes, they did make a dead me.

I've had dead me's made before,

but this was the one that got put through the ringer, like, a lot.

But Paul Dano wanted me on his back most of the time.

-He got very strong carrying me around.

-I bet he did.

And dead Daniel, much excitement, because dead Daniel is here.

-CHEERING

-We should call him Manny, really.

-He's right here.

-I feel sick.

-Here is dead Daniel.

-He was there the whole time?!

-Look at that.

Where do you want to sit him?

It's weird, because it's like he's dead.

-It's like he's dead.

-Don't put it next to me, please.

No, no, no. Will he sit up?

Not really.

So, yeah.

-Touch his hand. Touch his hand.

-No! No, no, no.

-It's so creepy.

-No.

-Yeah, that's weird.

Come on, dude.

He really is sort of falling apart at this point,

but he's been sent down rivers, he got mauled by a bear.

Like, this was all things we did to him during filming.

It's really good, though. Look at the eyebrows and stuff.

-SHE GAGS

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

It's strangely horrible. I don't know.

I don't know what's happening to it at the end of the press tour,

so if anybody, you know, wants it...

CHEERING

Maybe not, actually.

Given your enthusiasm, I feel like maybe you should not have this.

LAUGHTER Yeah, he will look worse.

-LAUGHTER

-But, yeah...

-So...

-Based on that reaction,

there's no telling what type of experience dead Daniel could have.

Yeah.

So, shall I leave him here or should I put him back?

-Leave him there for a bit.

-OK. You tell me when you want him gone.

I mean, it's quite disconcerting because he is sort of staring at me.

Oh, no. Wait.

-There we go.

-There you go.

-God.

-Wow.

I'm, like, only very slightly paler than him, though.

Just, like, one shade.

It's beautiful. He's beautiful.

Right, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to meet our musical guest tonight.

He rose to fame as a member of Take That,

before becoming one of the biggest selling solo artists of all time.

Now, he's back with his 11th studio album.

Yes, The Heavy Entertainment Show.

Please welcome Robbie Williams!

APPLAUSE

# I don't wanna rock, DJ... #

Yeah!

So nice to see you. Thank you so much for doing this.

Good to see you.

-Good to see you, man.

-Good to see you, too.

Anna...

Hello, hello.

-Hi, mate. Hello, hello, hello.

-Here you go. Have a seat.

-Yeah!

-Hi, everyone.

Robbie Williams. APPLAUSE

-Oh...

-So nice to see you.

-Oh, it's nice to see you, too.

-Nice to see you.

Let's see what trouble I can get you in tonight.

Have you met Justin Timberlake before?

-We have.

-Yeah, ages ago, but we've never got to hang out.

I'd like to do that at some point. That would be great.

-How are you doing, mate?

-I'm in.

-OK, cool. It's on.

-It's on.

-We're doing it.

You, me, and Dead Daniel.

Dead Dan looks like me, pre-rehab.

This new album...

The Heavy Entertainment Show. Now, this album...

These are good stats, ladies and gentlemen.

If this album goes to number one - it will go to number one -

you will tie with Elvis Presley

for the most number one albums by a male solo artist.

Geez!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

There is a lady over your shoulder that made the face like,

"That shouldn't be happening."

And then when she saw me staring at her, she was like...

Yeah, no, it's incredible.

You know, you get many of those "pinch yourself" moments

throughout your life, but then, you sort of go,

"Is this real? Is this really what's happening?"

But I'm here, I'm still knocking about, still singing songs.

-Seems to be going OK.

-Yeah!

What are you going to be singing for us tonight?

It's a song called Party Like A Russian.

LAUGHTER

I hear you. Yeah.

OK, cool.

Obviously, you know, inspiration for songs comes from all over the place.

You know... But there is one track on here

that I think most people wouldn't assume was inspired

by your new baby son.

Yeah. I wrote a song about my daughter,

and it's called Go Gentle.

-It's beautiful.

-Thank you very much.

And it is definitely a, sort of, loving,

"I'm having a daughter."

# If you date my daughter

# And you come round to my place

# I'll bludgeon you with a teacup

# And smash you in the face. #

LAUGHTER

It's protective, and then, you know...I sort of...

..had my son, Charlie,

and with a boy, you're kind of like...

# Come on, get up, you can do this. #

You know. "You know, get up..."

So I decided to write a song for him.

It's called Motherfucker.

LAUGHTER

-ANNA:

-Oh, wow!

-Yep.

-APPLAUSE

Can't stop the feeling.

# I've got the feeling coming on Dance, dance, dance... #

It can be the first dance at his wedding.

I'm sure it will be. Yeah.

So, now that you, you know...

Here you are, the 11th album and, you know, happily married,

you've got your children, now.

But over the years, I mean, fans...

You must have had, kind of, some wild fans.

What's the maddest thing a fan has given you or done or whatever?

Herpes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Justin knows you can't get it twice.

So...

But I'll get...I'll get in...

I'll get in a lot of trouble for telling the story.

-Ooh!

-OK.

-It's not too late to back out.

-It is, shut up!

-Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

-I'm in.

-Go.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm telling this, but I will.

So, back in the day, I was renting a castle, right?

Of course you were!

Cos that's my life, I was renting a castle,

and we were renting it to rehearse in for a tour.

And I was in this big room in this castle.

I had gone to sleep and I'd woken up and I was lying on my bed

and I was cognisant and I was awake, but I hadn't opened my eyes yet.

And I was getting more and more confused,

because I could swear there was somebody in my room,

and I could swear that they were, sort of,

tidying up or cleaning or something.

And sure enough, I opened my eyes,

and there was a lady at the bottom of the bed.

And she could have been anywhere from 28 to 58.

And she'd got this headset on, and it had Sellotape on,

and the lead went down to a cassette player.

Now, we were way in the days of CDs at this time,

and I was like, "Wow... The situation is really odd."

But you just woke up, so you don't really know what is going on.

So she looks at me and I look at her,

and I went, "All right?"

And she went, "All right?"

And she looked on the floor, where my underpants were,

and she went, "Calvin Kleins?"

And I went, "Yeah."

She went, "Pussy."

I'm like, "OK, this is definitely really weird."

And she went, "Have you got morning glory?"

AUDIENCE GASPS

This is back in the day when I used to have morning glory.

So, I was like...

"Yeah".

She says, "I'll wank you off."

GASPING AND LAUGHTER

Right?

So...so...

I'm a creative fellow, and I'm really young -

I can close my eyes and pretend that it's somebody else.

-INAUDIBLY:

-Oh, my...!

So...I was like,

"Yeah, go on, then."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, anyway, anyway, anyway...

She does the dirty deed and it's confusing, and I felt defiled.

And, off she went on her merry way.

And that night, I was with the lady that ran the castle.

It was her job to run the castle.

I said, "You know what?" I said, "Your cleaner's weird."

And she said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "The cleaner that came in today, she's weird."

She said, "We don't have cleaners on a Wednesday."

LAUGHTER

Just somebody that had walked in off the street

with a feather duster,

-come up and give me a hand job...

-LAUGHTER

..and then left.

But not only that - cut to, like, three years later...

I'm with my band and I'm like...

And it was just the lady that had come up,

gave me a hand job and left,

and my guitarist went,

"That's Maureen from the pub,

"she said she did that but nobody believed her!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Too soon?

No, my friend. Too late.

LAUGHTER

I mean, that's the best... We can all go home now.

That's the best story ever!

INAUDIBLE

You just shitted on my President Obama story!

LAUGHTER

I'll give you the address of the castle.

Maureen will definitely come and visit you!

-Oh, man.

-What a lovely, lovely story!

LAUGHTER

Hi, kids!

Daddy's working!

-While we recover, shall we have some music?

-Yes, please!

Let's do it. It looks amazing, that big screen over there.

Your musicians await.

So, if you want to go over there...

Robbie Williams, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right!

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Performing Party Like A Russian,

it is Mr Robbie Williams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It takes a certain kind of man with a certain reputation

# To alleviate the cash from a whole entire nation

# Take my loose change and build my own space station

# Just because you can, man

# Ain't no refutin' or disputin'

# I'm a modern Rasputin

# Subcontract disputes to some brutes in Louboutin

# Act highfalutin while my boys put the boot in

# They do the can-can

# Spasibo

# Party like a Russian

# End of discussion

# Dance like you've got concussion, oh

# Put a doll inside a doll

# Party like a Russian

# Disco seduction

# Party like a Russian, oh

# Have it like an oligarch

# I got Stolly and Bolly

# And Molly, so I'm jolly

# And I'm always off my trolley so I never say sorry

# There's a doll inside a doll, inside a doll, inside a dolly

# Hello, Dolly

# I put a bank inside a car, inside a plane, inside a boat

# It takes half the western world just to keep the ship afloat

# I never ever smile unless there's something to promote

# I just won't emote

# Spasibo

# Party like a Russian

# End of discussion

# Dance like you've got concussion, oh

# We've got soul and we've got gold

# Party like a Russian

# Disco seduction

# Party like a Russian, oh

# Have it like an oligarch

# We're the Russian boys, we're everywhere

# There's revolution in the air

# Oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh

# Party like a Russian

# End of discussion

# Dance like you've got concussion, oh

# Put a doll inside a doll

# Party like a Russian

# Disco seduction

# Party like a Russian, oh

# Have it like an oligarch. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Robbie Williams, everybody!

Come back and join us.

Robbie Williams!

Great job!

That was excellent. Well done.

-Thank you.

-Come back!

Sit at the end, there, for one second.

We're nearly done. Just sit there for one second.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I should tell everybody that the album,

The Heavy Entertainment Show, is out on November 4th, I believe?

-Yeah.

-Presumably, you'll be touring and everything?

Yeah, next year, but there's no dates planned,

I just know that's it's happening.

Improv. Very relaxed.

Yeah, it's very relaxed, it always is. We'll do it right here.

Yeah! Thank you so much, Robbie.

That was great. Now... CHEERING

..I'm afraid that is it for tonight.

We've no time for red chairs, I'm afraid.

I know.

But to be fair, it would be very hard to top Robbie's story.

-Yeah.

-So, it just remains to say a big thank you to my guests tonight.

Mr Robbie Williams. CHEERING

Daniel Radcliffe. CHEERING

Anna Kendrick. CHEERING

And Mr Justin Timberlake. CHEERING

Join me next week for a packed sofa.

Musical guest Amber Riley,

the hilarious John Bishop and Miranda Hart,

actors Sam Neill and Ewan McGregor,

and the great Danny DeVito.

I'll see you then!

Goodnight, everybody. Bye-bye! APPLAUSE