Episode 2 The Graham Norton Show

-Hi, Danny DeVito.

-And I'm Miranda Hart.

Welcome to The Graham Norton Show.

CHEERING

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello! Oh! Hello, oh!

Oh! Oh, very kind. Thank you so much.

Thank you very much! That's too much.

It's too much.

It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing.

Hello.

CHEERING No, seriously, stop.

No, no, no, time. Time, time!

Hello, good evening. Very welcome. Great show for you tonight.

I tell you, tonight's show is brighter and shinier than

Theresa May's toecaps.

LAUGHTER That is shiny.

Did you see them? Yeah, I know, for looking up her own skirt.

Now, yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's been the Tory Party Conference in Birmingham this week.

Did somebody say, "Party!"? Whoo!

Here's Theresa May arriving at the conference. Mm!

And here she is after four days in Birmingham.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, there was disturbing showbiz news this week,

ladies and gentlemen.

Kim Kardashian has been robbed.

Robbed, I say!

The thieves made off with her engagement ring.

Here she is posing with it.

LAUGHTER

Pretty, isn't it? Pretty.

Apparently, police asked Kim if she thought it could have been

an inside job.

To which she replied, "What's a job?"

LAUGHTER

Hey, let's get some guests on!

And later, we'll be meeting a true legend of Hollywood comedy.

The great Danny DeVito is here.

CHEERING I know.

Plus, we'll have music from Amber Riley.

She'll give us an exclusive performance of

And I Am Telling You from Dream Girls.

But first, he is one of the UK's favourite comedians.

It's a warm welcome back to Mr John Bishop!

CHEERING Yeah!

Hello. Let's do hugging. Let's do hugging.

-Let's do it.

-OK, there we go. John Bishop, everybody!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

From smash-hit sitcom Call The Midwife, now she is a bestselling

author to boot, it's only Miranda Hart, everybody!

CHEERING

Hello, lovely. How are you? Mwah and mwah.

Come sit down.

John, Miranda. Miranda, John.

This man has starred in Jurassic Park, The Piano

and TV's Peaky Blinders.

Now, he is bringing us New Zealand's most successful film ever.

Welcome, for the first time, Mr Sam Neill!

CHEERING Oh, hi.

Nice to see you. Let's do hugging. Sam Neill.

Miranda, John.

And as one of our greatest Scottish actors,

he starred in Trainspotting, Star Wars and Moulin Rouge.

Now, he's making his directing debut.

Welcome back Ewan McGregor, everybody!

CHEERING Oh, the energy of the man.

-The energy! Hello.

-Hello.

-It's Ewan McGregor. Hi, hi, hi.

-Kiss, kiss, kiss.

-Lovely.

Sit-y down.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Welcome, all. Welcome back.

-Welcome, for the first time, Sam.

-Thank you so much.

Nice to see you. Very good.

Now, I'm immediately, immediately, I'm going to speak to John Bishop.

-Let's do it.

-Let's do it. Let's do it, yeah.

-No, because I heard you had a beard. That's not a beard.

-I know,

but what I was supposed to do,

I was supposed to have a beard for this part that I'm doing,

but I thought, because I was coming on here,

I'd trim it a bit and it ended up with a big bit taken out of there.

So, then I had to try and make it even.

So now, I just look like a drunk on a bench.

LAUGHTER

Which is probably appropriate for this show.

Well, possibly.

But no, the trimming, I feel like it's like you've had them.

I've had beards, like beards. Long ones.

Yeah, it's like trimming a hedge. You can't go that wrong.

But do you do it or do you have a man that does it?

Well, it depends.

I never meant it like that.

-Let's talk about that.

-I was being genuine!

Let's put it this way, John, I can do it myself.

Are you living with yours now, Sam?

It, sort of, took up residence a couple of years ago and it doesn't

seem to want to leave.

I've got that, sort of, dark thing on the top lip.

-Yes.

-What, hair?

I have the opposite.

I think it's an Irish thing, perhaps.

Mine's red here and then white there.

-I've got it in the reverse.

-So strange.

This is the first time I've wanted a beard to be able to join in

this conversation.

But who was the person who came to your house?

Oh, yes, that was weird this week, somebody rang my doorbell.

I answered it, cos I'm maverick like that.

Of course, I did.

Do you do that yourself?

And someone was, sort of, deferentially bowing and went,

"Good afternoon, my lady.

"My lady, I'm a gardener, my lady. And I'm in the area, my lady.

"And I noticed that your bush needs trimming, my lady."

Honestly.

"I'm sorry, am I in a scene of Downton Abbey?

"What's happening?"

And he looked at me and he went, "Oh, my lady, it's you, my lady.

"It's you from The Bill? No, I know.

"Oh, you've made my day." And I got him to trim my hedge.

And then I went to get some cash,

cos I didn't know this was going to happen.

And I came back and he said, "Oh,

"I've just been telling my wife I met you, my lady.

"I'm so excited, my lady. I'm just utterly thrilled.

"Just one question, what's your name?"

It was just the weirdest thing.

I thought, how's he been describing me to his wife?

Oh!

Now, here's the thing, Sam Neill and Ewan McGregor,

am I right in saying you've never been in a film together?

-No.

-No.

-But you have hung out?

Oh, yeah.

I was in Australia when I was doing Moulin Rouge and when I was

doing the Star Wars II and III.

-We used to, we'd have dinner parties and stuff.

-Yeah.

We're old mates.

Now, Sam Neill, Ewan McGregor slightly dobbed you in it,

because he told us that you used to jam.

Yeah, his...

HE SIGHS

-I did, I'm sorry.

-It's a bit of an exaggeration.

-We were usually drunk and he's good and I'm crap.

-No!

-That's definitely not true.

-And he can play guitar and he can sing.

I mean, you sing in films all the time.

Even when it's not a musical, you sing.

Any excuse to sing.

It used to be dropping my trousers and now it's singing a song.

-Singing, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Oh, well.

Because we have, I think, I think, I think...

-Oh, God, no.

-Yes, yes!

Oh, oh, oh. Here we go.

Because your chosen instrument is the...

-HE IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT: ..ukulele.

-Yes.

Since when is it called...

-SHE IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT:

-..ukulele?!

-That's actually how it's pronounced.

-That's how it's pronounced?

Yeah, type it into a computer.

This is the best night of my life.

-How good is this?

-You sing.

-EWAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Here we go.

# I don't care if it rains or freezes

# As long as I've got my plastic Jesus

# Sitting on the dashboard of my car... #

AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME TO MUSIC

# Painted colours pink and pleasant

# Glows in the dark He's phosphorescent

# Take Him with you when you travel far

# Get yourself a sweet Madonna

# Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a pedestal of abalone shell

# Going 90 I ain't scary cos I've got my Virgin Mary

# Showing me that I won't go to hell. #

CHEERING

Ewan McGregor, ladies and gentlemen.

Sam Neill!

That didn't hurt. That didn't hurt. That didn't hurt, that was lovely.

-That was great.

-That was fabulous.

-That was all right.

-There we go.

-Have a sip of wine, Sam. Have a sip of wine.

Settle yourself.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Ewan McGregor, not content with

being a marvellous actor, has now directed a feature film.

-Well done.

-Thanks.

-And you're in it.

-I am, I am, yeah.

-You're in it, yes. It's called American Pastoral.

It opens on 11th of November and there is probably no-one here

who hasn't read American Pastoral by Philip Roth,

-but just in case they haven't,...

-OK.

Let's ask someone in the audience.

Next!

It's the story of a family, but it's, kind of, wider.

-It's, kind of, a slice of America.

-It is, it's a story...

It's about... I guess, Philip Roth is writing about America at

a period of time with the post-war generation.

There's a couple who are a couple of the '50s and they represent

the American dream, if you like.

And then their daughter, Mary, represents the '60s.

It's a story about this family and their daughter becomes,

falls in with a political group in New York.

And becomes radicalised.

She disappears after a terrorist act and it's about how they deal

with that situation.

-And you guys, I mean, the cast, you have a fantastic cast.

-Yeah.

But I just wondered,

-because they all knew you are a first-time director.

-Yeah.

Is it like a supply teacher?

Where everyone is like, "He's no idea what he's doing."

Well, I hope not, but they are, like you say, very good actors.

So, I maybe wouldn't have known anyway.

No, I think it was brilliant.

It was a nice, inclusive feeling.

I mean, we would... I learnt a lot from Danny Boyle,

who I used to work with in my early days

and who very much defined me as an actor.

He was my first director and he set the bar very, very high

in what to expect in that relationship.

And he would always just clear the set

and rehearse with the actors alone.

I've always loved that and I think it's important,

because the actors feel involved in the work that you're about to shoot.

There's nothing worse than walking in on set and being shown a mark

and someone says, "That's where you're standing."

Cos you always feel like, "How do you know?"

-You know, you want to be part of it.

-Yeah.

-So, I would do this.

I was clear the set and say, "OK, now it's just a rehearsal for the

"director and the actors."

I would walk on with Jennifer Connelly and close the door.

And then I'd be like, "Oh, yeah, it's me."

There was no-one else there. And it felt like we were, sort of,

getting away with something, you know.

But we had that freedom and we took that time to do it,

so I think the actors felt involved and creatively satisfied.

All right, well, listen, let's have a clip.

This is you trying to persuade your daughter,

played by Dakota Fanning, to come back into the fold of the family.

Right.

You want to protest the war, protest it right here in Old Rimrock.

What am I going to do? March around the post office?

Bring the war home. Isn't that the slogan?

Look, they gave me this award.

It's just a stupid plaque, but it means one thing -

if you take a stand, people notice.

If you oppose the war, right here, with all your strength,

this is part of America, too, you know.

R-r-read Marx.

R-r-revolutions don't begin in the countryside.

We're not talking about revolutions.

You're not talking about revolution.

HE SIGHS

You think about what I'm saying.

-Thank you.

-Is this you getting the bug now?

Or is this you thinking, "I am never doing that again"?

-That's a lot of work.

-I don't know.

When I finished my last day on it, I think I wouldn't

have wanted to do it straight away.

But it was a brilliant, brilliant, brilliant thing.

-I loved it so much.

-John, you did a bit of directing.

You directed on Sky or...

Yeah, I did Little Crackers, which is the thing that they have on

Sky where you do a little 15 minute thing and it was about...

It's supposed to be about your own childhood,

so I did something about when I was 13.

I sold teddy bears door-to-door and made my first £100

selling teddy bears that we made in this factory that my dad had.

So, I had to cast.

I said, "I'll do it, but I want to write it and direct it."

So, I had to cast somebody who is a teenage version of me.

I thought, "I've got a house full of them."

So, I auditioned my own kids to be a younger version of

me and didn't give them the part.

I gave it to another kid, whose mum I knew a while ago,

but I haven't seen her.

-With Miranda, you didn't, did you direct any episodes?

-No.

No, I didn't direct technically television-wise, but in the

rehearsals, I'd direct the performance and the movement a bit.

So, theatre directing is my passion. That's what I'd like to do.

-But you did do the casting?

-Well, yes, that is a perk of the job.

-The casting.

-Would you cast me?

I would love to have cast you. Would you like to be in Miranda?

-Of course.

-I would bring back Miranda if you wanted to be in it.

Oh, come on.

CHEERING

I'm so excited. So excited.

-I don't know what to do. Are you being serious?

-Come on.

-Let's do it.

-You're on national television, don't lie.

-Let's do it.

-What are we playing?

-I'm up for it. Whatever you want.

-OK.

-Oh, my God. It's like we're on a date or something.

It all went a bit awkward.

But I, yeah, the best thing I wrote to cast was,

I wrote a Sport Relief sketch, Goran Ivanisevic.

I'm a massive tennis fan.

And I thought, "I want to be in a sketch with Goran Ivanisevic."

As if we'll get it. Finish the end of the sketch

and he kisses her, obviously.

We got Goran and then it was all just really embarrassing

having to explain that, "Oh, and then at the end, this happens."

It was so disappointing. Was the most un-sexual kiss.

He got my shoulders.

He was clearly terrified or I had appalling breath or something.

And he went...

It ruined it. Goran ruined it.

Sam wouldn't do that. Sam wouldn't do that.

Well, I'm not suggesting that we have to.

"And he kisses her."

Violently!

If you'd been directing, you could have said,

"No, no, no, not like that, Goran."

-"Do it again."

-"Like this."

-Can I ask you a question?

-Yeah.

-Did you say, "Action"?

-No, I said, "Cut."

-Not action. So, you didn't say, "Action"?

-No.

-Some directors say, "Action" and some directors don't say, "Action."

-But how do you know when it started?

-Yeah, how do you start stuff?

-No, someone else will say it.

-No, someone else says it.

-Oh, I see.

-Just standing around. "Anyone ready?"

-No, no.

It would be odd, cos when you're about to do a take,

you've got to be thinking about the thing.

No, I was thinking if you weren't in the scene, not... "Action."

Oh, yeah. "Action."

No, if I wasn't in the scene, I'd say, "Action," yes.

-Oh, you would?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I like that.

-But when I was in the scene, I'd say, "Cut."

-Would you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-And then do you argue with yourself?

To come and go, "Ewan, that was shit!"

-"You're better than that!"

-The trouble with it is,

it's embarrassing to do more shots of yourself.

Yeah, "Can you just get the camera on me?"

"Yeah, one more. Actually, come in a bit closer."

-You can end up with not enough footage of yourself.

-Right.

And if you're going to be in it and act on it you got to make

sure you've got enough footage of yourself.

That must be embarrassing. The other actors just rolling their eyes.

-"Oh, more close-ups of him."

-A little bit, yeah.

"Apparently, my lighting was fine."

I couldn't imagine directing yourself in a love scene.

That would be...

Someone must've done that, but that's got to be the hardest thing.

-Oh, yeah.

-Was there a love scene in it?

-No.

-Oh.

-No, there wasn't.

-Yeah.

-That would be funny.

"Go on, Ewan!"

"Come on!"

"Action! Action! Action!"

"Cut! Cut!"

"One more!"

But now, you talked earlier about Danny Boyle.

Sam Neill, of course, you worked with Steven Spielberg.

Jurassic Park is back now, Jurassic World.

And you've ruled out ever coming back. You could come back.

-You're still alive.

-I didn't rule it out.

-Oh.

-They just didn't call me.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Someone asked me the other day and I just said, "I don't know

"what's happened to Alan Grant." He could be dead.

He could be in therapy, you know.

Yes.

For, sort of, dino-trauma or something.

Or he might be an accountant in Des Moines.

I don't what's happened. No-one knows what's happened to him.

And I hadn't realised that the first Jurassic Park,

that got the prestigious Royal premiere.

-The Royal Charity Premiere, didn't it?

-Oh, yes.

-Was it Charles and Diana then?

-Diana on her own.

-OK.

For reasons, I have no idea.

Yes, I found myself sitting beside Diana in,

I have told the story before, and my son is so embarrassed by it.

Diana was sitting here. It was in the Odeon, you know.

-Yeah.

-My son was sitting here.

It's a draughty cinema, as you know,

and the draught is going this way across.

And as soon as the dinos... My son was ten at the time.

As soon as the dinosaurs turned up, he started farting.

LAUGHTER

But it was drifting towards...this way...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I had my dinner suit, and I thought, "I'm sure she'll, of course...she'll think it's me."

LAUGHTER

And I could feel the sweat stains just, sort of, growing on my dinner suit like this.

And he didn't stop until the end.

But he denies it to this day, and...

And I'm sorry that she's not around.

I can apologise, you know, it wasn't me.

LAUGHTER

And that movie, it seems to me, maybe I'm wrong, that that was kind

of the first time we saw that quality of CGI that, you know, like that.

And that amazing scene where yourself and Laura Dern see

-the dinosaurs at the same time the audience see the dinosaurs.

-Right.

In fact, we've got that clip. Here we go.

Alan, this species of vermiform has been extinct since the

Cretaceous period.

I mean, this thing is... What?

DINOSAUR CALLS

DINOSAUR FOOTSTEPS REVERBERATE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's really good, that, though.

That was really good. And...

Because...

Now when actors do films like that, you know, you guys,

you know what you're looking... cos you've seen films like that,

you're going to think, "OK, it's going to be amazing."

But what did you think you were looking at? Did you think it was going to be that good?

I can tell you what I was looking at, and, you know,

it looks simple enough, but actually what I'm looking at is

Steven Spielberg with a big long stick with a tennis ball at the end.

LAUGHTER

Just waving it like this, and, you know,

you have to look as stunned as you possibly can.

LAUGHTER

It's not easy, this stuff, is it?

Well, no, but that's like a masterclass in amazement.

Now, I'm going to ask Miranda a question,

and I think I know the answer.

-Would you like to do a bit of acting with Sam Neill?

-No.

LAUGHTER

-Yes! What do you mean?

-OK, so, could you recreate the look of amazement?

So, basically you look over, the two of you look over. I've got props, ladies and gentlemen,

-I've got props.

-Oh, my...

-I've got, look...

-Good Lord.

-I've got the Laura Dern leaf.

-Oh, my God! Laura Dern?

-Yes.

-Laura Dern glasses...

-You've got as much or as little there as you want to put on.

-Yes.

There you go. OK.

-So, they're preparing.

-Oh, my God.

-OK?

-OK.

And, by the way, at the end,

-when they're looking suitably annoyed, amazed.

-Annoyed?

-Annoyed by the dinosaur.

-You'd be a terrible director!

-"It's slowing traffic down!"

LAUGHTER

"Stupid things.

Who brought them back?"

-If you, using your vocal training...

-Do a little bit of dinosaur noise?

-A bit of dinosaur noise.

-OK.

-Is this directing?

-That would help immeasurably, actually.

-Oh, good.

-Can Ewan direct this, please?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

-Let's have a little chat.

-OK, so we start the music, we start the music.

-Where are the dinosaurs going to be?

-Behind you, behind you.

-See, you're looking...

-Where's the tennis ball?

-There's the camera, right?

I'm going to get out of the way, because I'm only doing the dinosaur noise.

-It's a very small dinosaur, is it?

-No, no. It'll, it'll, it'll lift.

-Oh, right, OK.

-LAUGHTER

-Can I just say...?

-Not a chicken one.

-That wouldn't be a dinosaur.

Oh, for fuck's sake, just be amazed!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you do it, Ewan!

-JOHN:

-I'll be the dinosaur.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's very good.

-Yeah.

-That's very helpful.

I'm starting the music.

I'm not being rude, but I'd prefer a tennis ball.

LAUGHTER

OK, OK... That's...

LAUGHTER

-That's not...

-I've got Ewan to cue for sound.

-OK.

-Let me say "action."

STRINGS FROM FILM SCORE.

Action.

Very good. Very good.

MIRANDA GASPS

GRAHAM LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

EWAN MIMICS DINOSAUR CALL

APPLAUSE Very good! Excellent!

APPLAUSE

That was very good.

-Incredible.

-Very, very good.

-Excellent.

-Oh, dear.

Good work, everyone, but it's very hard to corral actors, isn't it?

It's like herding cats. LAUGHTER

And actually, Sam Neill, I am here to say,

Sam Neill has such a lovely film out at the moment.

It's called Hunt for the Wilderpeople, and it's one of those things.

If you just read the synopsis, you'd kind of think,

"Is that a really depressing film?"

-But in fact, it's joyful and it's lovely.

-It's a heartwarmer, yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's a kind of a road movie, except there's no roads.

LAUGHTER

Cos we only have about three roads in New Zealand, so...

LAUGHTER

And it's me as a grumpy old guy, and a ten-year-old,

12-year-old kid, who's, you know, dispossessed and lonely and

a foster kid, and we have to, sort of, survive.

-Doesn't sound very funny, does it?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

But it is, but it is! I've seen this film. It is hilarious.

And what's so weird is really sad things do happen in it,

and make you cry, but overall it is hilarious. It is a very funny film.

Yeah, and people are nicer to me in New Zealand as a result of this.

I think the last time they saw me was a psychopath in Peaky Blinders..

-And people avoid me.

-LAUGHTER

-And now they're, sort of, nice to me in airports. It won't last.

-And...

Sam, you know I'm a fan,

but your co-star does steal every scene he's in.

Well, everyone says that, which is kind of irritating, but...

LAUGHTER

-But it's true! It's just true.

-It's his film, you know. It wasn't...

These scenes weren't his to steal.

-I could have stolen them from him, but I didn't.

-You gave them to him. You gave them to him.

-I did, yes.

And also, because he's 12, but this isn't his first family road film.

He's fantastic, isn't he? And such a nice kid.

We've been all over the world together, you know,

with this little movie that came from nowhere,

which people seem to really respond to and...

It's been a great adventure.

-And it's out-grossed everything in New Zealand, hasn't it?

-Yeah.

It's one of those films that everybody's been to see.

We don't really count the Lord of the Rings, cos it's American money.

-Yeah.

-But apart from that, apart from the Lord of the Rings, those little things...

LAUGHTER

-..it's the biggest thing we've ever done.

-All right. Let's see a clip.

-This is you and your co-star in action. Julian...

-Dennison.

-Julian Dennison.

-Yeah.

And this is after you've been left alone with him,

and he's trying to persuade you to keep him on the farm.

-But I live here now. It's my home!

-Not any more, it isn't.

Not in their eyes.

Not without a woman to run the show.

POWERFUL CHOP

Why don't we just get you a new wife?

There's plenty of ladies on the internet, I heard.

Too soon?

What if we just keep living here, and if they try to take the

farm, we just have a shootout like Scarface?

Except we don't have any cocaine.

You can't change this, Ricky, you're going to go back.

And you're going to stick it out in a new home, OK?

There's no way that happening.

Well, I'm going to go bush. I'm going to disappear for a while.

Disappear?

Yeah, that sounds more like me.

Come on, we'll be a team!

Oh, for God's sake!

You wouldn't last five minutes out there.

But Auntie Bella said you had to look after me.

Will you just give me some privacy?

APPLAUSE

-Good beard as well. Good...

-Yeah.

-Cracking beard. Proper. Proper.

-Model's own.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen...

Miranda Hart has written a book.

Yes, she has. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And your last book... Your last book was like the proverbial hotcakes.

-Is It Just Me?

-Oh, Is It Just Me? Yes.

-It did very, very well.

-I was so pleased.

-Yes.

This one, this is such a crowd-pleaser.

-It will do so well. It... Miranda Hart, Peggy & Me.

-Yes.

-And... Peggy is your actual dog, who...

-My actual dog.

..who is backstage.

-Did you all meet Peggy?

-Yes.

That's the dog that came into my dressing room.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah. Just had a look around and just walked out.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry!

-Looking for its own dressing room.

No-one else noticed. I thought, "What the hell? That's a dog!"

LAUGHTER

-But it's the dog on the book!

-That's my dog, Peggy.

-It's a celebrity dog.

If only you'd known. Now, she wasn't originally Peggy.

-She was called Eunice.

-And...

LAUGHTER

It's actually, now... In fairness, that is an awful name for a dog.

No, but there is a reason, because their siblings were called Mavis, Elvis, Gladys and Boris,

and her mother was called Doris.

So, you see, somebody had to be lumbered with Eunice.

I changed that straight away.

Yeah, cos you have rules, don't you, about dog names?

Yeah, I'm quite pernickety about dog names.

When I was writing the book, I was thinking all things dog,

and I got really into the dog naming thing,

cos I'd noticed that posh people name their dogs after names

that sound like their children,

like Saskia and Henry and Jasper and Tamara.

LAUGHTER

And then, sort of, slightly more nutty dog owners,

who kind of dress them up in Colombo outfits,

call them Treacle and Bonzo and, sort of, cutey names.

And then I got obsessed with it,

so I did a whole sort of thing about how I think if you name a dog,

like, a dog a human name, it should end in I-E like Peggy, Flossy,

Billy, because you can't call a dog Keith, can you?

LAUGHTER

Or Derek...

There is somebody in my park who has a dog called Derek,

and it's the funniest thing.

-Yeah.

-"Derek!" Sounds like she's lost a geography teacher.

LAUGHTER

And then my one key rule is don't let your children name a dog.

Funny in the house,

but you will end up with a dog called Ketchup or Poohole.

LAUGHTER

-Or Felt Tip. And it'll backfire.

-But Ewan, you named your dog Sid?

-Sid. What does that make me?

-Well...

-Not posh.

Weirdly, I think that's all right.

There are some names that don't end in IE...

-I've thought about this a lot.!

-LAUGHTER

-..that are so cool, like Sid or Dave, you almost get away with.

-Dave!

-Dave.

-Dave the Labrador.

-Do you know what I mean? A Labrador called Dave.

We've got a picture of Sid. We show this every time you're on, just because we love it.

-Sid.

-I've sort of lost it a little bit to my youngest daughter, Anouk,

cos it's like his duty to look after her, which is lovely.

-That is adorable.

-He sleeps in her bed. And wherever she goes, he goes.

But he's sort of... He knows it's his duty.

I think he'd rather knock about with me, but she'll go, "Sid!"

And he follows her and he kind of looks at me like...

LAUGHTER

He does. And she has this thing where she goes for a...

When she goes to the loo for a poop, she doesn't like to be alone.

-So, I guess...

-We've all been there.

-I guess, so that we didn't have to do that,

we sent Sid in. "Go on, Sid."

LAUGHTER

Go on, Son. On you go, on you go."

-What age is she?

-She's five and a half now.

-I thought you were going to say 17.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, so he goes in and he... Yeah. He doesn't like it!

LAUGHTER

-I'm not surprised!

-One for the team. I know, cos John...

You can probably see him looking, going,

"Well, at least I don't have to pick it up."

LAUGHTER

Now, John Bishop.

I always say this, and you say you don't,

but you must have something like a farm?

-I suppose you'd call it a small holding rather than a farm.

-OK.

-And do you name all the animals?

-Melanie does it.

My wife does it, mainly. Or they come with names.

Like, we just rescued some turkeys from the...

The RSPCA got these turkeys from battery farms, so we got three

females, so they came up, and they were in a really sorry state.

They look fine now. They were really bare-chested, and the feathers have grown.

They had the beaks cut so they didn't peck each other in the pens.

So, they're growing back. And we got them a male.

So, we got a male turkey from the RSPCA, and it arrived,

I said, "That's great. "We've got to give it a name." And he said, "It's got a name. Bernard."

I think someone's taking the piss. You can't call a turkey "Bernard".

That's lovely.

That's lovely because Sam Neill,

is yours a similar situation or is yours an actual farm?

Well, yeah, I mean, we grow wine but I've also got lots of animals

and I do give them names and I know you're vegetarian,

so it probably makes you feel slightly ill, but you know,

I have about 30-40 lambs every year, for instance,

And I can't find happy homes for all of them, to be honest.

I really want to but I can't. So...

But I do name a lot of my animals as an insurance policy because,

you know, if you name a chicken, you know, Meryl Streep, it...

I mean, in all fairness, you can't eat Meryl Streep.

Now you've brought us some pictures of your animals.

So who are these people? Or, not people. They're sheep.

Well that's Susan Sarandon and Anjelica Huston.

-And they adore me. Look at the love on their faces.

-Aw!

AW! And now who are these?

Oh. Well, that's Helena Bonham Carter and...

-Which one's Helena?

-With the horns.

-Oh, really?

-She's the real cow.

And the little fellow on the left

is Graham Norton.

-Which one? This one?

-The little fellow, yeah, yeah.

Is that really? Did you just do that today?

-No, that's Graham Norton.

-Is that really Graham Norton?

Yeah, that's Graham Norton. He's brand-new

and Helena Bonham Carter is Graham Norton's mother and...

She'll be thrilled.

-And...

-We've got another picture. We've got another picture.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. That's Jimmy Nesbitt who is Graham Norton's father.

Can I just say, I am adorable in calf form.

-I really should spend all my time as a calf.

-Yeah.

-MIRANDA:

-Can you stop fingering yourself!

You know what the truth is?

What someone should do is graphically merge

Helena Bonham Carter and Jimmy Nesbitt

-and I bet you it looks like you!

-Yeah.

No. That would be very depressing.

Ladies and gentlemen, we must very quickly mention

that John Bishop, you're back on...

Well, you're not back on the road now

-but you've announced a tour.

-Yeah. Next year.

This one's called Winging It

-and, like, it doesn't start for a year.

-Yeah.

But the tickets are on sale now.

I know. It's bonkers. You'll know what it's like.

You put a stand-up tour on sale a year in advance.

Like, if you were a band you'd be working on the album

and people would go, "Oh, great, we're going to hear a new album

"and all the old songs as well," but as a comedian,

I've got, "There's a tour on?!

"What're you going to say?" Not a...clue.

I have no idea what the contents'll be because it's a year away.

So I'll just be working on it and building it up.

I can't go on and go,

"Here's something from the last tour that you liked."

-Everyone found this funny before!

-Yeah!

And you are very hands on with your tour.

Is it true you hand-pick the stage crew?

-Yeah, well, what happens...

-Not in a creepy way.

No. Not in a creepy way. "Come and sit with me."

No! "See what you're like twiddling knobs!" No, it's...

That's awful. That came out of... No, what happens is,

touring can be, I suppose it's like being in the theatre tour,

and you know what it's like. It can be a lonely thing

-if you're the performer.

-Yeah.

So what I do is we play five-a-side

against all the venues that we go to. So we have a five-a-side team.

So I pick the crew based on their ability to play five-a-side.

So if you come to the tour and the lightning's shit,

he's a very good goal-keeper.

You know, if the sound doesn't work, he's a great left back.

Right. It is time to meet my next guest.

This man is quite simply a Hollywood comedy legend. It's quite a list -

Taxi, Twins, Romancing The Stone, Matilda...

and now he's here to tell us about his new short film, Curmudgeons.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is the one and only Danny DeVito!

-Hello! Hi. It's so nice to meet you.

-Hi.

Oh!

-Hello, everybody!

-Danny DeVito!

-I was watching the show. You're having a great time.

-Yeah. All good.

-Really good stuff.

-Now, funny, we were talking about pets there

and is your dog called Zorro?

Yes! Our dog's a Chihuahua.

-Long-haired Chihuahua.

-Yeah?

-My son found him under the house

when he was a little baby. Somebody abandoned him, we took him in,

beautiful dog. You know, Mexican descent.

-It's a Chihuahua!

-Yeah!

-He is an amazing dog.

-And I met Peggy.

-Have you met Peggy?

-I did!

-I've been in your dressing room as well!

-Peggy was back there.

-Oh, right.

-She's doing the rounds, she's doing the rounds.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-She took a leak.

-Did she?!

-In my dressing room.

-No!

-No. We bonded though. She's a really sweet dog, yeah.

Did you like her? She is sweet.

Last time we met we were doing animals, weren't we?

You were playing a wolf. That's right! I was a werewolf in Big Fish.

-That's right! That was the last time I saw you.

-Yes!

That was the first time I did a bare ass scene!

I still remember your parts in a sock.

A sock, yeah! I mean, it was a big sock, you know.

It was one of those knee-high socks.

The whole idea is you don't want to embarrass the crew, you know.

But, Ewan McGregor not the only person who's directed a film.

Danny DeVito brings us such a beautiful film - Curmudgeons.

It's terrific. Now anyone can watch it right now, it's on Vimeo, right?

It's on Vimeo, yeah. You just go,

it's free. You can watch the movie. It's 16 minutes long

so you'll have a great time tonight watching Curmudgeons.

But it is... It's such a fantastic film.

We can't say that much about it because it's a short film...

No, it's a 16 minute film, how're you going to talk...

It's about love and embracing the fact that you should be free in life

and everybody should respect each other's feelings.

It's got a twist and like some...

You know, it's genuinely about love and friendship.

And you're playing...

It's a fantastic twist, I was weeping at the end.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, no. You can't help but cry.

-I was weeping then.

-I watched it this afternoon.

-Were you weeping too?

-I weeped... I wept.

-You wept? Good for you, man.

It is such a... You've said, you cry, you laugh.

-But you're playing older than yourself.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, in the film.

And it's a lovely look at old age but it's also, you know,

-a bit bleak.

-Mm.

-Are there any silver linings

as we march towards old age?

Well, basically, I think it gives you a little bit of a carte blanche.

You can say anything you want.

That's part of that thing. You know, you can really...

That's why I love those characters so much.

I feel... I've always felt that way though.

You see this is the weird thing.

From the time I was a kid I could say anything I wanted.

And it's like very, very dangerous. You know what I mean?

If you know anything about my life, it's just really, you know,

sometimes it gets a little sketchy.

You go out on the edge.

But how old were you when you discovered

-you could get away with shit?

-Really young. Really young.

-I could get away with a lot of shit.

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

No, I mean like, I guess it was, you know...

The thing about Italian families, they're a little...

My family was very, very boisterous, very big,

very, you know, like, they said anything they wanted.

They didn't hold anything back. And I'm from New Jersey,

and New Jersey is synonymous with ball-breaking.

You know, you just break balls.

Like, "What the fuck are you looking at, man?"

"What are you looking at? "What? Are you sitting there?

"Stop, what are you doing there with your hand?"

LAUGHTER

Anything, you can say anything, it's like really glorious.

And talking of family, this is a really nice family project

-because it's your...

-The movie, Curmudgeons.

-Yeah.

-I saw a play about three years ago and my daughter,

who's an actress, Lucy, she's in it.

-She's very good.

-Thank you. And Jake, my son, produced it.

We did it together, we did it in three days in New York.

You know those schedules, how they work sometimes.

And a dear friend of mine, David Margulies who I've known since...

In the '60s we did theatre together,

off-Broadway in New York, and have been very, very close

and I saw him in the play about three years ago and we thought...

Lucy said, actually, it could be a great little movie

so we worked on it, we put it together.

David was very, very ill while we were shooting

and he was a trooper. I mean, like, he really gave 150%

and never anything holding us back or anything like that.

And finally we did the movie in October a year ago

and he passed away in January so he...

It is really, really important to me, this film,

because a dear, dear friend...

We did get to show it to David.

-Oh, excellent.

-Oh, yeah, in December.

It's 16 minutes. So you guys know when you're making a longer movie,

when you're cutting your movie, I don't know how long it took you

to cut your movie, but it usually takes me forever.

And, you know, with a 16 minute film it worked out really good.

We came in under the wire to show it to him.

-Well, listen, let's watch a clip.

-Oh, good.

This is where the two old friends in the movie are reunited.

HE CHUCKLES

-All right, all right.

-Oh!

-This is my granddaughter, Robin.

-Hello!

-Hi.

-She's single if you hadn't guessed.

-God, Gramps!

-Nice to meet you, I heard a lot about you.

-I never heard about you.

-Grant is Jackie's grandkid.

-Big shot lawyer in Manhattan.

-Not that big.

Well, sort of big, I mean, I'm a partner now, so...

-Brought you a plant.

-Goodie.

-Here.

Give me.

-Yeah, now he's a grumpy son of a bitch, ain't he?

-Yeah, he is.

-Good to see you, you grumpy son of a bitch.

-What brings you here?

I brought you a surprise and it ain't a plant.

What are you doing? Reciting War And Peace?

Shut the fuck up, Pop-Pop! You idiot, you'll ruin the surprise!

Come and get me, you dumb dumb!

-Ta-da!

-Jackie!

-Hello, dummy!

And the movie is Curmudgeons

and you can watch it on Vimeo right now.

OK. Now, this is very exciting. It is time for a musical treat.

This, lady has gone from hit TV show Glee

to make her West End debut in Dream Girls.

Here, with an exclusive first-time live performance

of the show-stopping And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going,

please welcome Amber Riley!

# And I am telling you

# I'm not going

# You're the best man I'll ever know

# There's no way I could ever go

# No, no, there's no way

# No, no, no, no way I'm living without you

# I'm not living without you

# I don't want to be free

# I'm staying, I'm staying,

# And you, and you, you're gonna love me

# Ah...

# And I am telling you

# I'm not going

# Even though the rough times are showing

# There's just no way, There's no way

# We're part of the same place

# We're part of the same time

# We both share the same blood

# We both have the same mind

# And time and time we have so much to share

# No, no, no, no, no, no

# I'm not waking up tomorrow morning

# And finding' that there's nobody there

# Tear down the mountains, Yell, scream and shout

# You can say what you want, I'm not walking out

# Stop all the rivers, Push, strike, and kill

# I'm not gonna leave you

# There's no way I will

# And I am telling you

# I'm not going

# You're the best man I'll ever know

# And there's no way I could ever, ever go

# No, no, there's no way

# No, no, no, no way I'm living without you

# I'm not living without you, I'm not living without you

# I don't wanna be free, no

# I'm staying, I'm staying

# And you, and you, and you You're gonna love me

# Oh, yeah, yeah,

# Love me, love me, love me

# Love

# You're gonna love me! #

Stunning! Absolutely stunning! Amber Riley, everybody!

Come on over here. Amazing! Amber Riley!

How good! Could you sit at the end there,

-they'll make you welcome.

-Hi, everyone!

Oh! Fantastic! Have a seat, everybody.

-Have a seat, have a seat.

-That was amazing.

Yeah, we'll all... We'll all get on there.

That... I mean, that's stunning. And the band and everything,

-just gorgeous.

-Yes! I'm so glad that's over!

LAUGHTER

Aw! But it is crazy because, you know, I,

just having listened to you want to go have a lie down...

You're doing that in the West End...

-I am.

-..every night, I guess.

-Yeah. Every night.

-So we open November 19th.

-For previews.

For previews, yeah. Yeah, for previews

-and... Yeah, I'm here for you.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

And also it's one of those things. That's a stand out song,

but there's lots of great songs in that show.

Yeah, there's One Night Only, Move is the first song in the show

which is one of my favourites and it's a beast of a show

but it's so amazing and it's so fun.

It's the first time that it's going to be here.

So everybody needs to come and see it

cos we're working really hard.

My feet and knees hurt as I speak right now.

It's at the Savoy Theatre, we should say, it's at the Savoy Theatre.

And it starts December 14th,

so it's a real kind of Christmas treat for everybody.

-Did you say December 14th?

-Yeah.

-That's my birthday!

-I know what I'll be doing!

-We have to make sure you get a ticket,

-OK.

-Yeah.

-Happy birthday.

-Thank you.

Aw! But listen, thank you so much for doing that,

that is a stunning, stunning, stunning, stunning thing.

That is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests. Amber Riley!

John Bishop!

Miranda Hart!

Sam Neill!

Ewan McGregor!

And Danny DeVito!

Join me next week with Avengers star Jeremy Renner,

the hilarious Chris O'Dowd, five-time Oscar nominee, Amy Adams

and ex-One Directioner, Niall Horan.

I'll see you then, goodnight everybody, bye-bye!