Episode 3 The Graham Norton Show

Hi, I'm Niall Horan, welcome to the Graham Norton show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes! Oh!

Oh! Thank you so much!

Thank you very much!

Thank you. Oh! Thank you.

Thank you very much. What a warm and unexpected welcome! LAUGHTER

Thank you very much. Hello! Hello, hello. We've got a great line-up tonight, I tell you.

That sofa is going to be hotter than a Samsung Galaxy phone,

it really is.

But we start, ladies and gentlemen, of course with sad showbiz news.

Will Young has quit Strictly. Even sadder news -

Ed Balls hasn't. LAUGHTER

Here's Ed Balls doing his dance this week as The Mask.

Yeah, somebody stop him!

No, seriously, somebody STOP him.

Poor Ed. I mean, it's awful, isn't it?

You've got to think, who is voting to keep him in?

Knowing he's going to be humiliated week after week?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And, ladies and gentlemen, in other scary news,

Britain is caught up in clownmageddon -

clownmageddon - yeah, no, that's not another name for Brexit.

No, this is the spate of scary clowns going around

terrifying people, yeah?

Apparently, it all started in America. Mm-hm.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE That is a scary clown!

Less than a month till the American election and Donald Trump is

in trouble for his rude comments about women.

He was heard saying he likes to have a Tic Tac on hand in case

he gets to kiss a beautiful lady.

Cos, erm, that's right, Donald, it's your breath that's the problem.

Oh, NOW I will, yeah!

Trump said the comments were "locker room banter".

What a fat, odious tosser!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE If you're watching, Donald, it's just banter. It's just banter.

That's all that is. Yeah. The whole thing is being called "Pussygate". Yeah.

Mind you, if you Google the words "Trump" and "pussy", you get this.

I know, right? Let's get some guests on! All right,

later we'll be meeting One Directioner star, Niall Horan.

CHEERING Yeah! He will be giving us a world exclusive performance

of his solo single. But first, what a treat

to welcome back one of Ireland's funniest actors,

he's the star of Bridesmaids, This Is 40 and the award-winning Moone Boy,

it's Chris O'Dowd, everybody!

There he is! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hugging... Have a seat, Chris O'Dowd!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's the Oscar-nominated star of The Hurt Locker, American Hustle and

the blockbusting Avengers movies.

I all a quiver. It's Jeremy Renner!

-Here he is, come on in. Hello, sir. How are you?

-How you doing?

-I'm very well.

Lovely to see you. That's Chris O'Dowd, that's Jeremy!

This actress has played everything from Giselle in Enchanted

to Lois Lane in Superman.

Along the way, she's collected five, uh-huh, FIVE Oscar nominations.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Amy Adams!

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Va-va-voom! Hello, welcome. Come in, sit down, say hello to everybody.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Welcome, all! Now, I think, Chris, you could shove up a little.

-Sure!

-Yeah, go on. Pretend to like each other, go on.

-Oh, that's nice.

It's show business. It's show business.

I must say, I was very impressed. We've never had this before.

-When Chris O'Dowd came out, somebody waved a full Irish flag.

-What?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow!

-I'm so sorry. No stars and stripes. I mean, it's just rude.

-It's just rude. Is that for Chris or for Niall Horan? CHRIS:

-It's for Chris!

-WOMAN:

-Chris!

-Oh, it's for Chris! Lovely.

I'll tell you, it is exciting, of course,

-because we are having a One Directioner on later.

-I know.

-Are you all fans of the One Direction?

-Very much so.

-Good.

Good, good. Obviously, he's in a very successful band.

But quite a musical couch.

-Because Amy, obviously we know you can sing because of Enchanted.

-Yeah.

But in school, you weren't in a band.

-I wasn't in a band but I dated a guy in a band.

-Oh, hello.

-And he played guitar.

I thought he was very talented cos I didn't know

anything about Led Zeppelin and I thought he wrote Stairway To Heaven.

-Is that because he told you he did?

-I think he thought it would get him...

-Further...

-It didn't work?

-We don't need to talk about that.

-That's OK.

Was it a stairway to heaven?

Jeremy Renner, you WERE in a band?

-Yeah, back in the day, I was. Yeah.

-What was the name of your band?

-Erm, well... Hot Ice.

-LAUGHTER

-That's my favourite kind of ice.

-Yeah, yeah.

Close your eyes and imagine what the band Hot Ice might look like. OK?

-Did you come up with this?

-1986...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, that's a full sexy mullet there.

-Yeah, it was terrible.

-Was he the drummer?

-No, I was the drummer!

-Oh, you were the drummer!

-I'm the drummer, yeah.

-What was he?

-He played guitar.

-Oh, OK.

-Was he the singer?

-He's the singer.

-Oh, OK, correct.

By the way, we all learned how to play the instruments...

Nobody knew how to play anything. So, we just started...

"OK, you're going to be the drummer."

I'm like, "OK, I'll get some sticks and start banging on shit..."

And then we started a band. Ultimately, the best thing about this band is that we broke up.

It got us out of jail and we didn't do anything bad. Except play bad music.

-But Chris O'Dowd, you were in a band as well.

-Very much so.

-Why are you looking at me like that?

-I don't know.

I think you're interested in music.

I was in a band as a teenager called The Basket Weavers.

We were a quartet. But only one of us could play an instrument.

And that guy only knew songs by, and I guess this places us in

a time, he only knew songs by the Crash Test Dummies.

And sadly, we fell apart because he got shingles.

-So...

-Now, Chris also has another connection to music.

-And you guys may not get this.

-OK.

But you apparently get sent this a lot.

You know the way on websites, you get those things on the bottom,

"20 child actors, you won't believe what they look like now."

-Oh, Jesus!

-LAUGHTER

So, this is one called "20 photos that will shock you".

It's a list of celebs ruined by drugs. OK?

Celebs ruined by drugs.

This is number 12.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, it's amazing. Amazing. I mean...

-APPLAUSE

HE'S a celebrity.

-Ah!

-That's Shane MacGowan. He used to be in a band called The Pogues.

He's a fantastic kind of punk...

What's frustrating about the photo is I can see it. You know?

-You're not way off.

-It's like a Sunday morning for you?

I get sent it a lot. I mean, he's a fantastic...

I met him once, randomly, at an Irish awards thing and he is.

He's a great kind of, I suppose we would call it, like,

punk trad, is that what you'd call it?

But fantastic singer and I met him at, like, an Irish awards thing and he was

getting a lifetime achievement and I was getting some nonsense for comedy.

And at some stage, his manager came over and said, "You know, Shane would love to meet you."

And he'd be a big hero of mine.

And "Shane would love to meet you, he's a big fan."

So, I was like, "Great," and it was like, it was a black-tie thing.

But it was during the summer,

so I'd taken my jacket off and I went over and sat with him.

And I was babbling on. And he wasn't making a lot of conversation.

But I was like, "I'm talking to Shane MacGowan, this is a big moment!"

And then eventually, he said, "I'll just have a vodka tonic".

And I realised, he thought I was a waiter.

LAUGHTER

I crumbled.

-I had to get it for him!

-Of course you did!

Right, ladies and gentlemen. Three great films tonight.

Amy and Jeremy, they're in a big new sci-fi movie together.

It's called Arrival. And it opens on 10 November.

And it's one of those things, it involves aliens and it's got

everything you want, the big budget, the special effects.

But at the same time, it's a very thoughtful film.

Yeah, it definitely has an emotional heartbeat to it.

And it has an intimacy to it. And, yeah, it's really compelling.

-It really is.

-Yeah.

-Now, you can tell us who you play.

I mean, we can't talk about the plot much because it will give

-everything away.

-Yes.

-But we can know who you are.

Yes, I play Louise Banks,

who's a linguist brought in to help decipher the alien language.

-And we work together as a team.

-Yeah, and I play a mathematician... uhm...physicist,

that teams up with her to help communicate with the

-alien beings.

-And now, apparently the science behind this film.

Now, bear with us.

-It's sort of based in some reality, the science behind this film.

-Yes.

But bear with us! Because I'm not very good at science,

so I can't explain it to you.

So, I just had to sort of accept it and every time it would get too

scientific my brain goes, like straight to my musical theatre,

like, # O-o-o-klahoma! #

That's the only thing that saves me. Jeremy's much better at science.

Did you wrap your head around it?

Uh, well, I don't know about my head but I got an idea of what we were talking about.

But it's not really the most interesting to talk about

so I wanted to create some sort of emotional content,

to zeros and ones and binary, otherwise, it's really quite boring.

So, you know, to be excited about zeros and ones, you know, or whatever,

-I had to create emotional content to it.

-Because the director,

am I right in thinking his first language isn't English?

-That is correct.

-Yeah.

-OK, well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

Yes! He's French-Canadian, so he speaks French as a first language.

Definitely. And makes little effort to try to speak English.

Which is fine but when you're working with people who don't

understand French... It gets a little complicated.

Maybe that's why the set felt so calm to us.

Like, he might be saying bad things about us but he was just

saying it in French, so, we're like, "He is so sweet, that..."

Just love him!

He is a really calm and docile and loving and emotionally intelligent guy.

But he would say the weirdest things because of his inability to

really get his point across in English.

He would try to direct us on his very quiet sets and he said something really,

very inappropriate. What did he say to you?

He said, "I loved that very much

"and I will now take you from behind.

LAUGHTER

I said, "I'm so sorry," I was in the middle of a serious scene.

I said, "I'm so sorry, Denis, I don't mean to be laughing."

He was like, "What have I said?

"No, no, no, I think you mistook me. I mean, I will take you from behind but use a camera."

-LAUGHTER

-I'm like, that's not going to get any better, OK...

He was like, "Amy, Amy, I'm going to come very close here

"and the focus..." He says "fuc-as" instead of focus.

He says, "Is it right for fuc-as?"

"Fuc-as!" I'm like, "What's he talking about?"

He's like, "Jeremy, I'm going to come over here and take the camera and now come on YOUR face."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm like, "No, man, you don't get to say that to me..."

All right, let's see a clip from Arrival.

-This is the two of you kind of trying to communicate with the aliens.

-Yes.

-RADIO:

-Doctor Banks?

-It's OK.

-What are you doing?

-I'm fine.

-Are you insane?

-They need to see me.

She's taking off her hazmat suit. Doctor Banks! Is she OK?

LOW HUM

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

TENSE MUSIC BUILDS

Argh! It's good, right? APPLAUSE

I heard you talking, Jeremy, you're not a fan of being in those suits.

-The hazmat suits?

-Is that what they are?

Yeah, they were real hazmat suits and, yeah,

I don't think it's really, I mean, you have to be careful what you eat.

And drink. Because it's like a Hefty bag, right?

-And it's just not pleasant. Like, "Oh, man..."

-HE SNIFFS

"It smells like vodka in here. I'm not sure why...

"And Indian food, strangely."

Yeah, they didn't breathe and they weren't,

compared to the bomb suit in Hurt Locker, it was really kind of

nothing but still kind of awkward, and you have this thing on.

-And there was a fan in there, right? Remember those fans?

-Yeah.

But it wasn't to cool you down, it was just to make sure you can see.

-From the only little foggy...

-I thought you meant someone who liked you.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, that kind of fan! Who was inside with me?

-You do it so well!

-LAUGHTER

Awesome.

Because Chris O'Dowd, are you finished your big sci-fi film or are you in the middle of it now?

Oh, yeah, I've just wrapped on, like, a space movie(!)

-Which was...

-It's JJ Abrams. I mean, it's big.

-It's going to be great(!)

-LAUGHTER

I don't know why I'm saying it like that. It's going to be great!

LAUGHTER

Again, still not. But I struggled at times because I found the kind of suspension

of disbelief difficult. Just to kind of be like, "Oh, we're, you know, not on Earth."

So, we would kind of do the normal dialogue and I guess I only

got a glimpse of your movie but it's again, there's a lot of peril.

We're trying to save, erm, the world...

And there are moments of great tension.

And then you get to the end of the scene and the written dialogue and there might be

a little kind of improv or something.

And usually I'm feeling kind of comfortable in those situations

but here I would be like, "Pfff! Space..."

-LAUGHTER

-"What's it all about?"

I just couldn't get quite into believing that I was in space.

-Which, when you're doing a space movie, is tricky.

-Yes!

-Did you annoy the other actors?

-Absolutely.

It's also one of my favourite things to do, is to be annoying on set.

-We talked about that before.

-She loves to sing. She loves to sing.

-Oh, that would be nice. I would like that.

-Not in a hazmat suit.

Oh, show tunes, man. That's all she did.

-Like, all these...songs....

-Do one!

-She knows them all.

-I tried singing Let It Go last time.

But you said something about the rights and it would get expensive.

Oh, that's true. Very true. Yes. That was so clever of me!

To shut it down like that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And, very quickly, Amy, we've heard the rumour...

Enchanted 2, is that really happening?

-Yeah, they're starting to develop Enchanted 2.

-CHEERING

It's called Disenchanted. And that's for real.

And, yeah, they've got a director attached and they're writing a script.

-And you are in it, right?

-I'm hoping.

It doesn't open at your funeral or something?

-No, I hope not. Not unless... I'm not going to let anybody else play Giselle.

-No!

-No.

No! Will your daughter be geeked that you're going back to Giselle?

-No. No, she won't.

-She doesn't care.

-Yeah, she's so cool.

I'm Momma to her. Like, she doesn't think of me as an actress at all.

Like, she makes fun of me, like when I FaceTime her,

She's like, "Oh, my God, it's Amy Adams! Hi!" And I'm like...

She's six, by the way! Yeah.

By the way, she's got such a cool attitude, she's like,

sometimes you're not even Momma, she's like, "Oh, yeah, that's just a chick

-"that cleans my room and cooks..."

-It's true. It's true.

-She's awesome.

She's pretty level-headed.

Because after The Avengers movies, presumably you've got

a lot of children that come up to you, wanting pictures and things?

Yeah, that's the best part of it all. Yeah, for sure.

You know, before The Avengers, the kids would run away from me.

But now, I play a superhero and they come around and it's the most amazing thing.

But why did you frighten children? LAUGHTER

-It's just... Uh...

-You were thinking it.

You were thinking, "Why are the children running away?"

-You mean other than, it's really fun?

-It's his resting face.

It's my resting face I was born with.

And I built a career around it, so it's awesome.

-So, right now, you look kind of twinkly.

-Well, because I'm smiling.

But when I'm just thinking about, "Hey, that's a really amazing-looking suit."

LAUGHTER

It looks like I might want to hurt you. Right?

But I'm thinking, "Oh, my God, that's a beautiful suit."

But if I'm just thinking about it, it looks like I might want to choke you.

LAUGHTER Yes! yes, I see it! That is scary.

Yeah.

What's the thing about your daughter wanting to make you cry?

Oh, we were talking about what I do for a living and I was

explaining how I just make believe like she does when she plays.

And she was like, "Can you make yourself laugh?" And I said, "Yeah."

She goes, "Can you make yourself cry?" I said, "Yeah." And she goes, "Do it!"

-LAUGHTER

-I said, "You've got to give me a story." So, we made up a story.

And I've done it before for people. About Sriracha?

-I don't want to go back into this, Graham, OK?

-No, no!

-No. OK.

-What is Sriracha? TEARFULLY:

-The Sriracha plant is... They're shutting it down

because the fumes kind of go into the community. And, uh, yeah...

But I've done this. This is redundant now.

-SHE LAUGHS

-It's really weird. Everyone's, like, really weirded out.

That was awesome. I didn't even know what you were talking about.

-They're like, "Now I don't trust her AT ALL."

-That's amazing.

-It's almost kind of creepy. It's amazing.

-Yeah, she made me, it is, right?

-You should be an actress!

-I know.

-Right?

-Mind you, Chris O'Dowd, you can make yourself cry as well.

-Yeah, do it now! Cue! Now! Go!

-There's this Sriracha plant...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

No, I don't know. I guess, I don't know if I can make myself cry.

I do that thing where, definitely, if you are in the midst of

a scene, you can start, if you're really in it, it's kind of fine.

But then when you get to, and you guys know,

on to take kind of 15 or 16, then you've got to start playing some tricks.

To make your subconscious cry or something.

And you start thinking of sad things or, for me, it's like,

Battersea Dogs Home commercials...

Or, for some reason, I don't know why, because I'm a pacifist.

I keep watching these videos on YouTube of, like,

soldiers coming back from war and seeing their animals.

-Have you seen these?

-Yes!

-It's a killer.

So, when, sometimes when you're watching me on screen,

that's what I'm thinking!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love this guy. I just want to put him in my pocket.

I love this guy.

He wouldn't fit but I just want to put him in my pocket.

-He could be your fan hazmat suit.

-In my hazmat!

-Oh, yes!

-I also eat curry.

-LAUGHTER

Now, Chris O'Dowd has a movie. It's called Mascots.

And it's on Netflix now and is the latest faux documentary by

Christopher Guest, who made Spinal Tap, Best In Show, and all those things.

So, before we talk about it, let's see a clip,

-because it kind of explains the mascot you play.

-Super.

My name is Tommy, also known as The Fist.

I am the official mascot of the Blue Lake Mallards.

A lot of people say I'm the bad boy of sports mascotry

and, to be fair, I am currently

serving six temporary suspensions from different stadiums

for some physical incidents that took place

between myself and some opposing players and team mascots.

I'm also currently serving a lifetime ban from

the Calgary Cavaliers for a...

..sexual incident that took place between myself and their team owner's wife.

Get off!

Hey, stop it! Get off my wife!

APPLAUSE

It's funny.

Were you IN The Fist costume?

Whenever we see The Fist, is it always you?

Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. I got kind of comfortable in there.

Erm, just being on my own. Just really thinking about stuff.

Erm, all of the...

Obviously, because he's an ice hockey mascot,

I have to do a lot of skating.

And so, I learned how to ice skate, even though I don't, like,

I'm never seen in the thing.

I just thought, you know, why not? Definitely me!

LAUGHTER

Definitely me and not some skater with a giant fist on it.

I did wonder.

I thought, "I'm sure we'd know if Chris O'Dowd could skate like that."

-I would tell people.

-And it's all these different mascots, coming together.

-Yeah.

-Is that competition real?

-That's a great question.

-LAUGHTER

There are definitely competitions like that.

Probably more regionalised than a giant kind of annual, erm...national event.

But it's, like you say, it's a big ensemble piece,

loads of people that Chris Guest normally work with are there,

like Jennifer Coolidge and Ed Begley and Jane Lynch and loads of great...

It's really funny, so, everybody's kind of playing different

-mascots or judges or whatever.

-And lots of actors,

when they're starting out, DO do those kinds of jobs, kind of,

you know, dressed as a hot dog outside the restaurant and stuff.

Now, you did something a bit like that, didn't you?

There was a job I did where I used to do like pizza, like, what do you call it?

-Like in a supermarket, where you get out samples.

-Oh, yes!

-Ah...

When I was in college, there was a commercial on TV at the time for Domino's frozen pizza.

Where... Not Domino's. Goodfellas.

Frozen pizza, hey, go, Goodfellas, frozen pizza!

Where the commercial on TV was like two Italian-American guys

kind of going, "Hey, badabing, you want pepperoni? I got pepperoni!"

-And we would have to do that in the supermarket.

-LAUGHTER

-But, like, around Ireland.

-LAUGHTER

And we would be like, "Hey, you want some peppers and whatnot?"

And then, like, people would be walking by and going, "Chris?"

Hey, you want pizza?!

Awful.

But actors do do lots of things because Amy Adams,

you're one of those people that I think,

whatever job you're given, you take it VERY seriously.

-Now, how old were you when you were working in Gap?

-Oh, I was...18?

-OK.

-And you were the woman at the door.

-Yes. The greeter.

-The greeter. OK.

-I used to do that at Abercrombie and Fitch.

-Did you?

-LAUGHTER

-Shirtless?

-Erm, yeah.

-You were shirtless? Like, with all that cologne all over you?

I mean, this was like six, seven weeks ago now but, like...

It was good. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I wasn't employed there.

-I just used to do it.

-LAUGHTER

-Just take your shirt off and just stand there.

-What's the problem?

You don't like bellies?

-That's amazing.

-Sorry.

-But you were the best greeter ever.

I mean, I did my job, I showed up.

-I believe in doing things 110%, so, yeah! Yeah.

-That's a lot of percent.

-It is.

LAUGHTER

You would tell them everything that was in the store, essentially?

Essentially, yeah.

You greet them and you tell them a lot and, I don't know,

I don't know why they kept me up there.

I probably chased more people away than kept them there.

But I would get so bored, I would think of new things to say.

You know, like, "Hey, check out our polo shirts. They have two buttons.

"And new colours, sandy taupe." And they're like running away. You know.

-And didn't you have a celebrity client once?

-Whitney Houston.

-What?!

-Yeah, scared her right into the dressing room.

And she asked for anybody but me. I did! Somebody dared me to do it.

And I was like, "Oh, OK." Because, you know, I'll take just about any dare I'm given...

Do you think she went to the till and she was like, "I have NOTHING.

-"Nothing! Nothing!"

-APPLAUSE

All right, let's talk about Amy Adams's other film. Busy actress.

Nocturnal Animals. It's out on 4 November.

This is Tom Ford's second film, after The Single Man,

-which was a big success.

-Yeah.

-And it's a wonderful film.

It's you and Jake Gyllenhal and it's sort of, a story within a story.

It is. It tells the story of Susan, whom I play,

who's an LA art gallerist and she's sort of disenchanted -

there we go - little tie-in.

Disenchanted with her life and so, she receives

a manuscript from her ex-husband and she begins to read it.

And as she reads it, that story unfolds and we examine her past,

which sort of ties into it all.

And it's much grittier than you would expect a Tom Ford movie to be.

Yeah, it's very gritty.

It's very dark and he spends a lot of time in the desert with...

Although, I heard that he had like a desert outfit, you know,

like, so, everybody else looks like hell and he's wearing cowboy boots

and turquoise jewellery. I know he smells good.

But he's a fabulous director to work with.

But, yeah, it definitely has a lot of darkness to it.

Because you have an odd role, in a way,

because you are reading the novel we are watching.

Yeah, I spend a lot of time reading and the camera spends

a lot of time watching me read.

Which sounds like it might be boring. It's not.

-It really isn't, it really isn't.

-It's not like my Sriracha bit.

So... But it was a lot of fun.

And I worked with Jake Gyllenhal and a wonderful cast...

Most of the time was spent alone, just a couple of other scenes with other people.

And it's already done very well. It's picked up some awards already.

-It did, yeah!

-It picked up the audience award in Venice.

-So, that was thrilling.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-All right, let's watch a clip from the Nocturnal Animals.

This is you in a flashback, bumping into your old friend, Jake Gyllenhal.

-Hi!

-Susan! Hi!

-How are you?

-God, good to see someone I know.

-Good to see you.

-You look beautiful. As always.

-What are you doing in New York City?

-Erm, I'm...

-Here for an interview for a scholarship at Columbia.

-Columbia?

I thought you were at the University of Texas, becoming a great writer.

A great writer? I mean, I don't think... Well, I am.

But aren't you at Yale becoming a great artist?

-I graduated Yale but I'm at Columbia getting my Masters degree.

-Oh, wow!

-Yeah, art history.

-That's great!

-Listen, do you know anybody else in New York?

-Erm, just you.

-Just me.

OK. Well, would you like to go to dinner?

-Absolutely.

-OK. OK, great. Just let me...

Just let me drop off my packages at my apartment.

-Do you want me to grab them for you?

-Yeah, great! Thank you.

-Oh, I miss Texas men.

-You don't have blisters like this in Texas.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Right. It is time to meet our musical guest tonight.

He is a member of the biggest boyband in the world and now

he's broken records with the release of his first solo single,

This Town. Please welcome Niall Horan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There he is! Ah! Hello, sir, how you doing? Meet everybody.

Amy...

Sit-ee down. Sit-ee down.

Oh, look at that. Lovely, nice!

Now, here's the thing. I would introduce you.

-But I think, you've certainly, you've met Amy before.

-Yes!

Myself and Amy did... Well, she did it and we were there, SNL.

-Saturday Night Live in New York.

-Oh, yes!

-She was the host of it.

-We were there. There we are.

-You were very sweet.

You got to hold my feet, I don't know how fortunate that is.

-But your band member on the other end, is it Zayn?

-Mm.

Forgive me if I get it wrong.

He was quivering because my upper body apparently was too heavy for him.

-LAUGHTER Wow!

-I highly doubt that.

-He really was.

Because by the end, we took so many takes, you know,

I was a bit heavy for him, I think he's used to lighter girls.

LAUGHTER

Now, the last One Direction concert, that was about a year ago,

-wasn't it?

-Yeah, around this time, yeah.

-By my reckoning, that's kind of a year off.

-Yeah.

So, that's a lot of Judge Rinder...

-So, like, what are you doing?

-Definitely not watching Judge Rinder anyway.

-LAUGHTER

-At the start of the year, the plan was to go backpacking.

-Lovely.

So, I did it. So, me and two of my cousins.

And we met, one of my cousins was living in Melbourne, Australia.

And he was actually moving back home. So, we just said, "Right, we'll meet in Australia

"and then we'll work our way back across."

So we went up through, we went to Bali first,

pissed rain for four days. No good.

We nearly got my wallet robbed by a monkey. So, that wasn't great.

Then we went up to the Philippines

to a couple of islands in the Philippines.

-We went across to Vietnam, Cambodia and they had all the temples and stuff.

-It sounds amazing.

Is this the trip where you had a very strict budget?

Yeah, well, yeah, we just wanted to do it properly because, like,

all my friends got to do it but I was travelling the world in

-a different way.

-Yeah.

So, I just thought, it's only fair I get to do it.

-So, you were staying in youth hostels and things?

-Yeah.

-Now, were your cousins not pissed off?

-Well, not really hostels.

Your cousins must be thinking, "He's a multimillionaire!

"And I'm sleeping in a bunk." LAUGHTER

Yeah, they probably were but they would never say it to me!

No...we just, it wasn't really hostels.

We went to the hostels when we were going drinking because they

are always good craic. But you'd be surprised what 20 quid gets you.

I don't want to know. LAUGHTER

Mind you, it's good you went travelling when you did!

-CHRIS:

-That's pretty cool, though. I mean, like, fair play.

Like, putting a budget on yourself when you're a thing.

-That's pretty...

-LAUGHTER

Did you not break it sometimes? Did you not think...

Oh, yeah, after about a month. We got to Hanoi in Vietnam.

And you bought the city. LAUGHTER

"I own Hanoi now." LAUGHTER

-"I cracked. I just love the place. I just loved it."

-Yeah.

We were just like, we'll just get a hotel. A nice one this time.

OK, so you own a hotel in Hanoi. OK. LAUGHTER

-A couple.

-It's like Monopoly. The Hanoi board.

And because, obviously, when it ends, when you go on the break,

it must be lovely. You must just go, "Oh, thank God for that."

But have you started to miss the others yet?

Is it kind of weird now being back in music without them?

Yeah, of course. You know, I suppose, until recently,

I haven't kind of noticed as much, in the sense of, I've just been in the studio.

And we always kind of, when we were writing, we'd always, like,

go off into different groups and kind of do our own writing

and then bring it all back to when everyone was recording.

But recently, I've kind of noticed that, you know, like, OK, this is it now.

I have this song. I'm writing an album for me.

And I'm probably going to tour it on my own. So, yeah,

this is my first performance. This one here. So, looking forward to it.

-Good on ya, buddy!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah! We're looking forward to it.

LAUGHTER

Do you get back to Ireland much?

Do you cause a huge sensation when you go back? Is it Mullingar?

Mullingar, yeah. I go home, like, a couple of times a year.

It gets, my dad still lives in the same spot.

So, it gets kind of hectic around the house.

-Do girls live in holes in the garden and things?

-Yeah. I remember... Yeah! Under the wall!

I remember Robbie Williams once said something to me.

He was like, "My mum closed the curtains in '92 and never opened them again."

LAUGHTER

I get it.

So, yeah, but, yeah, it's good, like,

I get to go home and go out and see the lads and stuff like that,

see the family and it's, yeah, I like that side of it.

But, yeah, I miss Ireland.

Obviously, I would like to go there a lot more.

And do people kind of, do they look out for you, kind of going,

"Ooh, he's changed." Is it all that?

-Do you have to be incredibly careful when you go home?

-Sometimes, you'll be there,

kind of like the backpacking thing, you'll be buying, like a pint, for two or three of the lads.

And then the barman will be going, "Oh, someone's doing all right. He's doing good."

It's like, it's only a few pints, I don't know if it makes any difference.

But, yeah, like, sometimes if I'm walking home, right, I'll walk home,

if I go home around Christmas and there's no taxis then I'll start walking home.

And the police will drive past me and pick me up and bring me home!

LAUGHTER

-I remember when they used to do that for a different reason.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, they do that, which is quite funny.

Because they catch you out when you go home, don't they, Chris?

Well, there is, like Niall said, there's this old thing where people want to catch you out a little bit.

Like, you'll go, even for breakfast somewhere, for lunch,

and I remember I was actually home this weekend and I was,

we went out for, you know, some eggs and stuff somewhere.

LAUGHTER

And I was like, "Oh, yeah, you know, and I'll have some orange juice."

-And they're like "Oo-oo-ooh!"

-LAUGHTER

"Oh, Mr LA with his orange juice!"

And regardless of what, like, it doesn't need to be anything fancy.

I'll have, like, you know, an Americano, where it's all, "Oo-oo-ooh!"

Like, before I left, I used to just bathe in my own shit.

LAUGHTER

There is this kind of overcompensation.

There is a little bit of that.

But it's inundated with kind of the other side of it.

-Which is really kind of lovely.

-Yeah, I know you're saying.

Amy Adams, I think because of the red hair, people assume you must be,

you must have some Irish...

Yeah, I think I've got some Irish blood in me, yeah.

-I can vouch for that.

-LAUGHTER

-Wow, it was going so well.

-Do you know what's weird about it?

It's not even like I have Irish in me. It sounds like I gave her like a blood transfusion.

-And I actually am a blood donor. So...

-You never know.

-But we found a picture of you and rarely has a women looked more Irish...

-Oh, no.

..than Amy... Look at that.

It's such a flattering picture.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-There you go.

-Is that in your caravan?

-That's my three sisters.

-That's my three sisters right there.

-There it is, folks.

-Yeah, that's such a flattering picture.

-It's not there.

Stop looking at it and it will go away.

Now, Niall, talking about, so, the new single, This Town. This is you.

-It's a song. Is it about Mullingar?

-Sort of, yeah.

It's kind of got a double meaning.

It's not really about anyone in particular.

I just kind of, when I'm writing songs, I write the concept and

then just kind of write a scenario and then write the song around it.

But I guess, with the town part of it,

I guess it's kind of a little bit like everything.

You know, there's a line in the song, "Everything comes back to you".

And, I still go home all the time.

And no matter how far you've travelled, you still get to go home and be yourself.

-And then it's obviously got that female aspect to it.

-Yes.

Now, every girl in Mullingar must be thinking, "He's talking about ME!"

I had loads of texts, saying, like, from people, like,

from school, saying, "Everyone wants to know who it's about."

It's not about anyone.

-So, we've cleared it up on national television.

-LAUGHTER

Well, your first performance awaits. The guitar's over there. If you want to go over and get ready.

Niall Horan, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, here, with his first ever TV performance of This Town, it is Mr Niall Horan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there

# The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air

# It's hard

# Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running round

# It's funny how things never change in this old town

# So far from the stars

# And I want to tell you everything

# The words I never got to say the first time around

# And I remember everything

# From when we were the children playing in this fairground

# Wish I was there with you now

# If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you

# Drive highways and byways to be there with you

# Over and over the only truth

# Everything comes back to you

# Mm, mm, mm

# I saw that you moved on with someone new

# In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you

# It's so hard

# So hard

# And I want to tell you everything

# The words I never got to say the first time around

# And I remember everything

# From when we were the children playing in this fairground

# Wish I was there with you now

# Cos if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you

# Drive highways and byways to be there with you

# Over and over the only truth

# Everything comes back to you

# You still make me nervous when you walk in the room

# Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you

# Over and over the only truth

# Everything comes back to you

# Mm, mm, mm

# And I know that it's wrong That I can't move on

# But there's something about you

# If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you

# Drive highways and byways to be there with you

# Over and over the only truth

# Everything comes back to you

# You still make me nervous when you walk in the room

# Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you

# Over and over the only truth

# Everything comes back to you

# Mm, mm, mm

# Everything comes back to you

# Mm, mm, mm. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Niall Horan everybody!

Great job! Well done!

There you go!

You did it! You did it! Very good, congratulations.

Come and sit down with the others. There you go. How lovely was that?

Really, really lovely. Gorgeous.

That was fantastic. So that single is out now, album?

Yeah, kind of. That was like the first song that was completely finished and

I felt was good enough to let people know I was doing something.

But I'm kind of now just about to start the recording process,

and recording all the instruments and all that kind of stuff,

all the songs are written, I just need to get them all recorded.

My God, you're pretty in person!

-Same as you.

-Good for you.

-Good for you!

-Thank you!

Niall Horan, I have a vision of all those girls, the One Direction

fans sitting at home like Miss Havisham, in One Direction T-shirts

waiting and waiting, will you ever tell them to give up?

Like, what's happening? Will they wait for the rest of their lives?

Will they wait as long as Bros for you to come back?

As long as Bros! Like, for now,

in the moment we are kind of doing our own thing, I am doing this,

Harry did a movie, we are all kind of doing our own bits and pieces.

And then, can't really put a date on it, but, you know, it's not going to be 50 years away!

-Like, it's in the foreseeable.

-How many years?

-I don't know, in fairness!

We don't know. And when I do, I'll text you!

Anyway, thank you so much for doing that, it was beautiful.

Niall Horan, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Nearly it - but before we go, by popular demand, it is back,

let's have a story from the big red chair. CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello, Graham.

-What's your name?

-Justin.

-Justin! And where are you from?

I'm originally from Aussie, Australia but now live in Clapham.

OK...

Ah! You are the ONLY Aussie in Clapham!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

And what do you do?

I design bicycle parking and changing facilities for office buildings.

A bit random.

I am so tempted. LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-No, that's a good one.

-That's useful!

Imagine you were sitting at a dinner party and he told you that,

your heart would sink. You'd just think, "Jesus..."

-He said it's a good one.

-Off you go with your story, Justin.

All right. So, the other day, a couple of weeks ago I had a hangover,

a big hangover and decided to dust it off with

-a run through the local Commons of Clapham.

-Oh, yes?

I got halfway through and I had uncontrollable stomach cramps

and without a toilet in sight, I thought, there's

a bit of density over there, I'm going to head in there and do my business.

So, anyway, I'm there and I'm just finishing up and the next

thing I see this movement to my right and there is

a lady walking along with her two dogs, and they're off the leash.

One of them starts, I pull up my pants and next thing this pit bull starts coming towards me.

No, I can't listen to the end of this story!

How did it go that long?!

As soon as he starts pooping in the woods, the dog...

As a dog owner I know what happened next!

LAUGHTER

I lost track a little bit and then I kind of tuned back in

and I was like, "Oh, he's shitting in a park."

They come over here, they shit in our parks!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He didn't have any toilet paper, that's all I kept thinking,

was where's...I'm sure he didn't bring toilet paper to the park!

-No!

-I don't think that's the biggest problem.

Am I ever going to get that three minutes back of my life?

I think the pit bull probably solved that problem!

GROANING DROWNS SPEECH

Shall we try one more? CHEERING

OK, Here we go, this is the one, this is the charm.

Hello, they love you!

-What's your name?

-My name's Sean.

-Sean! Lovely. Where are you from?

-I am from Donegal.

-He's from Donegal!

Marvellous. Do you live here or there?

-I live in London now.

-What do you do, Sean?

-I work in sales. So...

-Yeah, yeah, I know. Pays the bills.

OK, off you go with your story, Sean.

A few years ago I was at a wedding,

and the ceremony happened and it was lovely and we went to the reception.

And at the reception, everyone started doing speeches and then the groom stood up

and said to everyone, "We're going to play a game".

So, he asked everyone to stand up, so everyone stood up and was kind of giggling

and he asked everyone to flip over their plate

and if there was a red dot at the bottom of their plate,

please stay standing. So, everyone did it and it kind of filtered out

and there were eight guys left standing.

He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, can you all please look at the eight gentlemen left standing.

"They have slept with my wife since we've been engaged.

"I am now going for an annulment."

And he walked straight out of the room.

Good one! APPLAUSE

Love that story! Well done, Sean! You walk!

OK, if you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go on that red chair,

contact us via the website, at this very address.

That is it for tonight, please say a big thank you to my guests,

Niall Horan!

Chris O'Dowd!

Jeremy Renner! And Amy Adams!

Join me next week, with music from the mighty Kings Of Leon,

the hilarious Catherine Tate, the brilliant Jude Law,

the beautiful Cobie Smulders and the Hollywood legend that is

Mr Tom Cruise. I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE