Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

Hi, I'm Tom Cruise, and welcome to The Graham Norton Show.

This programme contains some strong language

Oh! Oh, oh!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Hello. Hello.

Hello to you, you. Hi, up there. Hi. Hi, hi.

Hello, everybody. Good evening. Welcome one, welcome all.

Yes, it's Tom Cruise night, everybody.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Yeah.

In the building. Very excited to have Tom back on the show.

Actually, how annoying is this? We've just missed Tom Cruise Day.

We have. This is true.

In Japan, 10th October is officially Tom Cruise Day. It is.

I mean, I feel awful, I didn't get him a card or anything.

You'd think, what an honour to have a day named after you.

I wonder how people would celebrate a Graham Norton Day.

LAUGHTER

Every day is Graham Norton Day.

Now, Tom joins us at a very exciting time in American politics.

This week saw the last of the big presidential debates in Las Vegas.

There they are in Vegas.

Wouldn't it be great if they'd wandered

into the wrong room and got married?

LAUGHTER

You both lose.

Trump, of course, had his own hotel to stay in. Lucky him.

Mind you, he had to stay in a standard room.

Yeah, Hillary had already booked the presidential suite.

LAUGHTER

From my mouth to God's ears. Now...

Here's Trump turning up for the debate with his children.

There they are. Ivanka Trump, Tiffany Trump,

Trumpety Trump, Somebody Trump.

I don't know. Anyway, there they all are.

Five little Trumps followed by a big orange shit.

It's happened to the best of us. Let's get some guests on.

Later, we'll have music from the mighty Kings of Leon.

CHEERING Yeah. Yeah.

But first, she has given us some of TV's funniest characters,

from foul-mouthed Nan to schoolgirl Lauren.

Am I bovvered? Yes, I am. It's Catherine Tate, everybody!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Wow!

-Argh!

-I hadn't seen the full gown.

I know. It is so exciting.

-I'm so excited!

-I know!

You've seen them, you've seen them out there. He's out there.

From Talented Mr Ripley to Cold Mountain and Sherlock Holmes,

now he's playing the Young Pope.

Praise be, it's Jude Law, everybody!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Velvet! In some Velvet! Very nice.

Lovely to see you. Have a seat. Catherine, Jude.

This actress rose to fame on TV's How I Met Your Mother, and now

she's in the action-packed thriller Jack Reacher, Never Go Back.

It's Cobie Smulders.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hey! Hello, lovely. Welcome.

-Thank you.

-Your first time. Have a seat on the couch.

-Cobie Smulders.

-Thank you, thank you.

And...Jack Reacher's here. DRUMROLL

Yes, it's the biggest movie star in all the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tom Cruise.

# Take my breath away... #

-Pleasure to be here.

-It's Tom Cruise, everybody!

# Take my breath away. #

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

-Oh, that's funny.

Oh! It's your fourth... It never gets old, it never gets old.

It's Tom Cruise. It's exciting, it's exciting.

So you're all very welcome, very, very welcome to the couch,

but especially Tom.

No, you're all very welcome. You're very welcome.

I mentioned the thing about Tom Cruise Day - is that a real thing?

-Yes.

-And what happens?

-I don't really know.

-You haven't been yourself.

No, I haven't been able to make it.

Yeah, it just came up, and they just named the day after me.

I felt very, very honoured, you know.

-It was after I did Last Samurai.

-Oh, of course.

I did Last Samurai and it was something that we brought kind of

bushido back into their culture

and something that they didn't really know a lot about

and something that we studied.

So they started studying their own culture again in schools

and it was really wonderful.

-And now there's a Tom Cruise Day.

-I know, I feel very honoured.

You must get half-price somewhere or something.

There must be discounts available.

-And, Cobie, you've just spent so much time with Tom.

-Yes.

-You've been working with Tom...

-So much time. SO MUCH time.

I liked, at the end of filming, Cobie wrote a tweet

that sort of summed up her experience on the film.

-LAUGHTER

-There was so much running.

There is a lot of running.

He was so fast, and he would kind of give me shit, too...

-Yeah, yeah.

-..if I wasn't keeping up.

So I was very determined to at least look like I could keep up.

She kept up. I'd be behind her, going, "Go, go, go."

-"Arms, arms."

-"Arms, arms."

-"Knees, knees."

Like, to look perfect.

-Because you have the famous movie run.

-Cos he looks...perfect!

And I was watching and I could see

you had gone to the Tom Cruise School of Movie Running.

I did. I have my diploma, I am a graduate.

-Yeah, she's a graduate.

-Yes.

-She got her bachelors.

-Yeah.

Cos, Catherine, famously, you were the Runaway Bride in Doctor Who.

Did you get... LAUGHTER

-Did you get special coaching?

-That looks fantastic.

Or was it just kind of... "Do some British running"?

And I was running against David Tennant -

he's a whippersnapper.

He can, like, run like that, and I was...

He always, very kindly...

It doesn't sound like you were afforded the same hospitality.

David used to factor in reasons to stop so I could catch up.

Aw! Jude, I don't think of you as a runner.

Thanks, Graham.

I'm trying to think...

I'm not really in the right company to boast about running...

-Have I seen you running before?

-East London.

-Don't you have to run in east London?

-I run from everyone.

Yeah.

-"Jude"!

-LAUGHTER

I've done a bit of running in my time. I'm trying to think.

I had to run once in character.

I was playing this guy who was out of prison,

and so I put on a bit of weight for the part,

and I was wearing these skintight - SKINTIGHT - trousers.

And we decided, for some reason, that he would wear

these huge Cuban heel boots, and running in those...

-Were you running in heels?

-No, thankfully...

Yeah, I was running in heels.

-And you ran in heels also.

-Yeah.

-It's hard!

It's really divided the couch, it's divided the couch.

Heels, no heels.

-Heels, from here...

-No heels.

-Fast...

-Heels.

-Not so fast!

-..heels!

Jack Reacher, it's lots of action, lots of fights, lots of stunts,

and we rarely hear about you getting injured,

but, apparently, in the first Jack Reacher, you did hurt your foot.

Yes. Yes.

There's more to this story, I'm guessing.

-So...

-Yeah.

-That's my cue? OK, good.

-Yeah, yeah.

-And...

-The anecdote.

So, you know when you're kicking someone in the balls...

In movies, they wear a strap, a leather strap

that they put in one shoe, and it goes all the way

down through their groin, all the way down to the other.

There's a leather strap there so you can really give 'em one, you know?

-I never knew that.

-I know.

It's an old cowboy thing they developed

so that they could do the kick in the balls.

And Newman did it for Butch Cassidy - Sundance Kid.

So they pulled the strap out for the ball kick,

and I ended up having to do it, like, almost 50 times.

And my foot was swollen for a week from kicking them in the balls.

-I never thought, in all the stunts I've done...

-Right.

-Come on.

Being the guy who's balls swelled Tom Cruise's foot.

He would stand there with the strap like this,

and of course we had to warm up, you know what I mean?

So I had to get the angle right

and I just kept kicking him in the balls.

And I was like, "Didn't we get this?

"Because my foot is killing me."

All right... Tom and Cobie, they're here

with Jack Reacher, the new Jack Reacher - Never Go Back.

It's out everywhere now.

The thing is, Jack Reacher books,

-am I right in thinking there's 20 Jack Reacher books?

-Yes.

Yeah, he's coming out with his 21st next month, I think. Yeah.

So this is book 18, which seems quite random to pick,

just go to the shelf and pick 18. So how does that happen?

-Just random. Random.

-Just threw dice?

-Yeah.

It's just the story, there's so many of them

and it just seemed like a nice one to go to

because of the relationship that he has with the major,

who's played by Cobie.

She has Reacher's old job,

and he goes back to take her out on a date, basically.

Because he's intrigued by...

-She's helped him at the beginning of the movie.

-Yes.

-Intrigued...

-She gives good phone, good phone...

-Good phone talk.

-Excellent on the phone.

-Great phone talk.

And then a whole journey ensues with...

..corruption and it gets drawn into the story

and there's lots of beatings.

-Have you read all the Jack Reacher books?

-Yeah.

-Have you read all of the books? Really?

-Yes.

-Of course he has - he's Tom Cruise.

-So have I. Every single one.

-They were all enjoyable.

-LAUGHTER

It's very hard to choose a favourite.

-Did you read Never Go Back?

-I read that one.

-Did you read the book?

-I did read ours, I read ours, yeah.

-You read the script.

-I read the script and the book.

-Did you?

-And all the other books... as well,

cos I'm a committed actor, to my craft.

And thank you for the job.

But, as you say, Jack Reacher, he's on the run,

but, Cobie, you're kind of with him the whole way, you're...

Yeah, yeah, we're sort of paired together,

because our characters are both used to being in command,

it's a pairing that is quite awkward at first.

-Two commanders.

-Two commanders.

As you can tell - two commanders. On the road.

What's good is there's that frisson romance,

but there's no sense of damsel in distress.

It's very... You're both on it.

No, she's just as bright and tough as Reacher,

and she's a great character.

-You crushed it, I have to say.

-You too.

We've got a clip.

-This is the two of you interrogating a witness.

-OK.

You are a specialist, aren't you, Prudhomme, right?

Spoke to two MPs. Sergeants Mirkovich and Cibelli.

They interviewed you in Bagram.

No, no, I've never heard of them.

Sergeants Mirkovich and Cibelli!

Mirkovich had a six-year-old daughter.

Cibelli's wife is pregnant with their first.

Now look at me. Tell me what happened.

They'll kill me!

She'll kill you.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

She'd never done action before, but she was very natural at doing that.

-Yeah, the bang... It was good.

-Yeah, it was really nasty.

That's really nasty.

And in the movie, I don't think I've ever heard,

in an American movie, anybody call anybody else a dickhead.

That seems to be a very British... Is that a very British thing?

I think it is a British thing,

but we... Yeah, it rolled off the tongue very easily.

-Yeah!

-She said it very easily.

-You said it a few times.

She said it a few times.

-As a matter of fact, she ad-libbed a couple.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

-I was like, really?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess we say it quite a bit.

I'd just never heard an American say it before.

I mean, I say it all the time.

Now, Tom Cruise, every time you're here, I sound like your mother,

because you do the stunts, and I worry for you!

I just think, "Stop now! Luck running out!"

You know, there's only so many times you can do these crazy things.

Like, the last Mission Impossible,

you've learnt how to hold your breath underwater.

Tell the people how long... This is incredible.

How long can you hold your breath for underwater?

-Six-and-a-half minutes.

-GASPS

Good, right?

Those takes underwater, because it took from the time

you get rid of the regulator, get rid of the bubbles,

get on the side, and we wanted to do it in one shot.

So they're very, very long shots.

These takes took...

I'd have to hold it consistently, you know,

safely up to four minutes, almost, for every take.

-Almost to the point of, why bother?

-Yeah.

Like...

I know, but we were committed.

-Everyone was there, the camera was set up...

-Might as well.

I'm just like, what am I going to say? It was too late to say no.

-How is that possible? It is circular breathing?

-No, no.

You just have these free divers that came in

and trained me how to do it, and it's...not pleasant.

-Do you panic? Do you get to a moment...

-No.

Actually, you get to the moment where you train your system to...

I'm now...I'm controlling the breath.

So I've got a low heart rate anyway, a very low heart rate,

which means my body's not using as much oxygen,

but also we did stuff to bring the heart rate down lower

in certain breathing exercises.

And I trained for a long time,

to the point when I finished the sequence,

there would be times I'd be sitting there talking in meetings

and I wouldn't breathe.

I realised, I am not breathing,

and had to turn my autonomic system to breathe again.

That's bad! That's bad, Tom!

I know. That was a little... I did that, so I'm done with that.

-Actually, Jude, though...

-Oh...

-No, now, stop it.

-Stop it.

-Come on, Jude.

Thanks, mate. First the running...

-No, but...

-..now the breath-holding.

In The Young Pope, you do hold your breath.

Yeah, for about 40 seconds, yeah.

No, it was quite a long time.

It was no six-and-a-half minutes, but it was a long time.

Yeah, it's no six-and-a-half minutes. Thank you.

Did you train for it? So you know you start that feeling of agony.

-I mean...

-It's painful.

I didn't, actually, because it really isn't that long.

LAUGHTER

Basically, it was in the script that he's had this trauma -

-I don't want to give anything away...

-Give a little bit away.

He has a prayer and he decides that he wants to get away from everyone,

so he's in the bottom of his palatial swimming pool.

So the shot starts on the back of me,

and we had to time the length of the prayer.

I think it was... over a minute - let's say that.

And it comes round, and we had to time it so that it comes around.

The thing that takes the longest is, once you're down there,

-you're waiting for the bubbles to clear.

-Yes.

And they're ready and then you hear...

Cos they've got microphones in, you hear it. "Action."

I'm underwater...

I was like that.

-Did you start to feel...

-You do a little.

A pain starts to come, you feel the oxygen going.

That's why I asked about the panic.

Cos I was just trying to count it, or recite the prayer,

but then I worried that the prayer would start changing speed,

so I started counting,

and then I knew every time I got to, like, 70,

I was almost starting to think, "OK, I hope they're there soon."

Cos then I had to trust that they were in front of me

for when I opened my eyes, do this, and then I go up. So...

-Wow.

-But it was no six-and-a-half minutes.

Still, you know that pain. I mean, I had to train.

-It's fun stuff to do, though.

-The first time I did it, it was like...

Learning that kind of stuff is, honestly, I think...

-No six-and-a-half minutes.

-No.

-But it's a perk.

You learn to do these weird things and wonderful things.

That's SO not a useful thing to know how to do.

-Sure it is.

-Learn French!

Say you're out, you know, and you get thrown out of the boat

and you're down there - now you know how to hold your breath.

I can stay alive for an extra six minutes.

-You beat them all.

-Yeah! He was the last one to die.

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-..you're the last one to go.

-Yeah!

You get to wave them all goodbye. They all hate you as they die.

It's useful, you're quite right.

All right, we're going to watch another clip from Jack Reacher.

-Now, this is you, Tom, in a diner...

-Mm-hm.

-..dealing with a sheriff who has come to arrest you.

-Yes.

-OK.

Process him and get him to County.

Two things are going to happen in the next 90 seconds.

Excuse me?

First, that phone over there is going to ring.

Second, you're going to be wearing these cuffs on your way to prison.

Well, that is one magnificent prophecy, Mr Reacher.

PHONE RINGS

It's just going to keep on ringing.

Sheriff Raymond Wood.

DISTANT SIRENS

Who the hell are you?

The guy you didn't count on.

APPLAUSE Ooh! It's intense.

Yeah, you get... He's a fun character to play.

It's like one of those movies you get to say lines like that and...

Know what I mean? It's one of those movies you get to...

Like a western, or something like that,

where you get to say those fun lines and have fun scenes like that.

Can you just turn that on?

Could you be that intense and just say that line to me?

Two things are going to happen in the next 90 seconds.

First, that phone over there is going to ring.

Second, you're going to be wearing these cuffs on your way to prison.

Ha-ha-ha. Well...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE That's a....

that's a magnificent...

Don't laugh! I'm having my moment.

That's a magnificent prophecy, Mr Reacher.

I've acted with Tom Cruise, everybody!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I know, I know. In fairness, the phone didn't ring.

-I know. What happened?

-I know.

-But...

HE GASPS Wait... Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER

It's like superpowers. That was incredible, wasn't it? Yeah.

-See, I think it and... That's Jack Reacher.

-Incredible.

That's better than holding your breath for six minutes -

I've no doubts about it.

Right, Catherine Tate fans, this is amazing.

-I've seen the ads on the telly...

-Oh, my God!

It's so big and posh.

Catherine Tate is back with a new live show.

It's The Catherine Tate Show Live,

and it's kicking off in York on 31st October

-and then touring the country till December.

-Yes.

Now, you've never done the characters live before.

No, I've never done it live.

-So, how does it work?

-Don't know yet.

At the moment, er... it's a logistic thing,

cos I'm doing 18 different characters,

and I've got to get on and off and put the prosthetic stuff on

and get back on and...

It'll be a right old time of it...

I don't know, you guys probably aren't familiar, are you?

Can you explain any of these characters to Tom and Cobie?

I do a belligerent teenage character,

a belligerent old-age lady, an old-aged pensioner character.

I think all my characters are quite belligerent.

We realised, as I was writing this one,

it's the one thing they all have in common,

they tend not to like the world particularly.

-Hmm...

-Hmm...

Where did I get that from? So, it's just...

it's just lots of different characters, yeah.

And Nan's voice... Cos there's an old granny, a foul-mouthed granny,

but, like, properly foul-mouthed.

-Can you do some now?

-Oh, all right. Oh...

Well, I actually...

I got the voice from when I was at drama school, when I was training,

and they split up our year

and half the year went to schools

to give kids a really serious devised play about not taking drugs.

The other half, except for four of us, went to another school

to talk about using condoms when you start having sex.

-Great.

-And for four of us got asked to go round

the local old-age pensioners' home

and give them a trip down memory lane.

Which, as it turns out, old people can't be dragged down memory lane.

They don't want to go. They don't want to go.

So we turned up. You know, I was about 18,

and they put old-agey clothes and hats,

and we used to go in to their recreation room.

You know, there's a table tennis with cobwebs on it.

It's not being used!

But it's their sort of recreation room, and we'd stand up in front

of them and sing... I think it was the Andrews Sisters, or something?

And they'd go... Well, we'd have to go...

# Dancing under the apple tree

# With anyone else but me... #

And as walked on, there was one place, it was in Temple Fortune -

I went to Central, in north London -

and they sent us to this place, and one lady,

as I walked on, she went...

-IN NAN'S VOICE:

-"So...here we go."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I remember thinking, "This is extraordinary,"

and as I was doing my stuff, and we did it for about 20 minutes,

and all the time she was just like,

"Well, this is all I need, innit, this?"

And at the end of it, and we'd been doing

a very professional job as well, 18 or whatever it was...

# It's a long way to Tipperary... # Join in!

And at the end of it she went,

"Is she going to stand in front of that fucking telly all day?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And so I thought, "I'll remember that."

-I bet your mother is terrified...

-Fantastic.

..that people will think it's her mother?

No, my mum does say, "You mustn't keep swearing,"

cos in the show that I do I took that character and made her

a grandmother and she swears a lot, and my mum is very concerned,

she says, "You mustn't keep doing that

"cos people will think that's Nanny."

-And it's not!

-Who was it... Was it your godmother gave you a line?

My godmother - and I actually did use it in the show -

my godmother said, when my cousin had had a baby -

she said, "Theresa's had the baby.

"She's, eh... She's calling it Tesco's."

Tesco's is the name of a supermarket.

And I said, "I'm almost certain she's not called the baby Tesco's."

She went, "She has.

"Well, I can't pronounce it anyway."

And I rung up my cousin, and I said, "Theresa, what's the baby called?"

And she said, "Francesca."

Tesco's!

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-Fantastic.

-Does any of this ring true with you, Cobie?

-Cos isn't your mum British?

-My mom is British, yeah.

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-She's from Norfolk here.

Is that why you use the word "dickhead" all the time?

-Me? Good old Mom!

-That's what it is!

Just heard it round the house!

Is it a British thing where you are just so cruelly honest

-a lot of the time?

-Mmm...

Cos I had this one moment with my mother,

I was in the 12th grade in high school, and we put on

the production of Singin' In The Rain,

and instead of giving me a part where I spoke,

they gave me a part where I sang, which I'm not great at.

And it wasn't great, it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great.

And my mom came to our first performance and, you know,

we were all excited, and I was flushed and I felt really great,

and I did it, I nailed it, even though it was a challenge for me.

I came off stage and she said...

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Cobie, you were so wonderful.

"You couldn't sing a note of it but you just sang it anyway!"

And I was... I still had, like, eight shows to go,

so as I'm in there, by the way singing Putting On The Ritz -

which is not in Singin' in the Rain -

it was just in my mind and it was horrible.

Yeah, that's a British mother! Yeah. Or an Irish mother.

Here's another British mother thing.

"Going out, I'm going out."

"All right, go out, yeah, you look great."

You're going to a first night or whatever. "You look nice."

"Does my hair look all right?" "Looks all right from the back!"

Oh, no!

Catherine Tate, good luck with your tour,

-I'm sure it will be a huge success.

-Thank you.

-The people have spoken.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, eh...

Jude Law, Jude Law.

You've got your brilliant new TV drama,

it's The Young Pope, it starts Thursday at nine on Sky Atlantic.

It's a huge, lavish...

It's extraordinary the way television's going now

with the production values, the scale of these things are enormous,

and the premise is that you play this kind of

-young, charming bloke...

-Lenny Belardo his name is.

Yeah, but kind of kick-ass... almost more like a politician?

Ish. It's current day, he's just been inaugurated as Pope Pius XIII.

The conclave, the College of Cardinals have no idea

how he's been elected because no-one can work out

who voted for him, they are all trying to figure out

what kind of a Pope he's going to be,

because nobody knows much about him.

Is he going to be liberal, reformist, dogmatic, progressive?

He doesn't really know who he can trust.

And the story really unpeels,

you learn more about his background, he was a child orphan,

you learn through his relationships

with various cardinals, priests, nuns

in the Vatican what his aim is and why he's been put in this position.

But, yes, he is the first American Pope,

he's the youngest pontiff in history,

so he's got a certain expectation.

He smokes, he drinks Coke,

but he's also got a lot of secrets that maybe you aren't expecting.

And the brilliant Diane Keaton is in it.

Yeah, Diane plays Sister Mary, who is the nun that raised him

in his orphanage, and she comes over as a kind of confidante.

It's got a wonderful international cast, because of course

it's in the Vatican, where all the cardinals

from all over the world...

So we have wonderful French actors, Spanish actors,

Italian actors, Chilean actors.

James Cromwell is an American cardinal who is my confidante.

-Where'd you shoot it?

-In Rome.

All... Well, seven months in Rome, a month in Venice

and a little bit in South Africa cos...

Oh, poor you(!)

We have got a clip of The Young Pope, and this is you,

as a brand-new Pope, sort of laying town the law.

My top priorities are,

one, the Radio Vatican signal needs boosting,

it's unacceptable the reception is so poor.

Two, the Pope wants to see all the gifts the Pope receives.

Have a storage facility fitted out for storing all the gifts I receive.

Three, the Vatican must immediately buy back the Papal Tiara

from the Basilica in Washington DC,

which my predecessors - who favoured sobriety over tradition -

imprudently let go.

And four, Sister Mary will also look after you.

She will oversee all your activities and report directly back to me.

She'll be your guardian angel.

I am 60 years old, Holy Father,

I don't need a guardian angel.

Oh, we all need a guardian angel, Voiello,

especially unscrupulous, ambiguous men.

There's a very funny thing about,

you know, you notice Popes always have their hands here, or here,

and I always thought, it must be some ritualistic symbol.

Then we realise they have got no pockets.

So I put it on every morning,

and you need help putting it on

because there are so many buttons and layers...

But it becomes a very comfortable position to keep your hands.

Then I'd go out for dinner at night in jeans or whatever,

and I would still be walking around like this,

and my kids would always say,

"Dad, you're holding your hands like the Pope."

It's actually very comfortable.

Listen, we must move on, but very quickly,

-obviously Jack Reacher is Jack Reacher II...

-Yes.

..but apart from the Mission: Impossible movies,

we don't associate Tom Cruise with franchises or sequels.

And yet, exciting news, is it true there's going to be a Top Gun II?

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

-I know.

-No.

-Oh, come on, this was on the...

Here we go.

There's Jerry Bruckheimer. "Discuss a little Top Gun 2."

Yes, we're discussing it.

COBIE GIGGLES

We're discussing it. We're trying to figure it out.

-Oh, do it, go on!

-We're trying, we're trying.

-Look!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've sold 600 tickets, right there. 600 tickets!

If we can figure it out, I'd love to work on it.

Again, it goes back to...

I've heard you in interviews talking about

the trials of being in one of those jets.

It's horrific! Or would you be better now?

Oh, no, cos I fly aerobatics now,

but when you first start flying, you get sick, you know.

-Properly sick?

-Properly, like fill-a-bag sick.

I know, the first day...

-Yeah, you know, you've flown in...

-Yeah. You get really sick.

I flew with the Blue Angels, and when we were filming, my deal was...

I said, "I've got to fly in the F-14," I made it with the studio,

and I had to be filmed in the F-14 live,

so I had to go through all the ejector-seat training,

and I couldn't wait to fly.

So in the morning, the first pilot I flew with, his name was Bozo.

-Yeah...

-Gives you confidence(!)

"Hi, how are you? Bozo." "Bozo?!"

We were up there, we had five minutes of film,

and we had to coordinate, he and I,

we had other aeroplanes coming in on us, and there was

air combat manoeuvres, very detailed briefings and everything.

So we're going out, and we're right... I don't know,

a couple of feet off the deck in the desert.

We're sweating, I'm sweating in the F-14,

because we were doing heavy manoeuvres.

And we did a really heavy manoeuvre, pulled like 9.5 Gs,

and I, you have got a G-suit on, but you just kind of black out.

When I came to, I had my barf bag here at the side,

I was like, "OK, now I'm going to go get it done,"

so I could do the next take.

So I leaned down like this, pulled it, I was like...

Just went down like this, and he at that point decided to pull up,

and he pulled up so hard and for so long...

I mean, I can't do it now.

My head literally was touching the ground with the G-force.

My spine. The tog's right here, I was going like this...

-STRAINED:

-"Bozo, Bozo, Bozo..."

He was going up for ever!

So finally, he levelled off, and I had the bag in my hand,

-and I was like, "Bozo!"

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

"What...? Didn't you see?!

"You didn't tell me you were going to do that,

"my head was like..."

He says, "Yeah, they don't call me Bozo for nothing."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I had my barf bag, I held that, you know...

Eh, Tom and Cobie have been touring the world,

you've been to China, New Orleans, LA, you've done the London premiere.

-Tennessee.

-..Tennessee. London premiere has been done.

-Yes, tonight.

-Cobie, is Tom doing that thing where he causes

a sensation on red carpets?

-Yes.

-He does? You do, though.

I mean, look at this face.

But you do, you love meeting the fans on the red carpet,

you really spend a lot of time doing it, talking on phones,

taking selfies and all that.

So we thought we might spread a little Tom Cruise love

here this evening.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Now, now, just think on. Would you like a selfie with Tom Cruise?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

OK, calm down, what we're doing is looking for the people

who have come the furthest, not just people from abroad who live here...

You.

..people who have travelled, people who have travelled to be here,

and we'll see how many we can get around.

-New Zealand!

-PEOPLE SHOUT OUT

Calm down, calm down! OK, are you up for this?

-Yeah, let's do it.

-Let's do as many as we can.

Now come with me. Here we go.

MUSIC: Theme from Mission: Impossible

APPLAUSE OK, who are you?

-Where are you from?

-Australia.

-OK, come on. What's your name?

-Brad.

-Bradley. OK, quick, quick.

-Here we go, here we go.

-Here we go.

Done. OK, another one. Where are you from?

Leeds? Not so far away.

We've got a Pennsylvania!

She's from Leeds, she can't have one! That's cheating!

Pennsylvania right here.

Here we go, quick. I'm in it - sorry.

LAUGHTER

-Let's do somebody over the other side. Let's go.

-Let's go.

Oh, no, no, can we do...

-Trinidad, Trinidad.

-OK, Trinidad.

Can we do Tom Cruise running?

-OK, Tom Cruise running!

-Slow motion?

-OK, I'm doing it.

-Slow motion.

They'll speed it up in post.

We're in a rush, come on, quick, quick.

Who have we got, who's foreign?

-India.

-India? Very good.

OK. There you go. Any more?

PEOPLE SHOUT OUT

-Holland!

-Are you really... You're not from Holland.

-I am from Holland!

-Are you? OK, go on. What's your name?

-Joyce.

-OK, go, Joyce.

Oh, we've got a Ghana, Ghana.

Quick, quick, quick.

-Beautiful.

-My hair...

Do you want a Switzerland? Switzerland, Switzerland.

-OK.

-You both in?

-That's the last one, well done! Thank you.

No more. Run, run!

Tom Cruise running on steps. Can we do this?

OK. Oh, it's an action sequence!

I'm exhausted. HE SIGHS

Well done, you. Well done, round of applause.

Right, it's time for music.

I'm so excited to welcome this Grammy-winning rock band

to the show for the first time, performing their new single

Waste A Moment from their new album WALLS,

it is the mighty Kings of Leon!

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

# All the way from Waco to WeHo

# With a rabbit on her chain

# Drove a little slick car to tend bar

# With the static on her brain

# She's a little burner, burner Gonna blow you all away

# Little ticking time bomb Time bomb, gonna blow us all away

# Take the time to waste a moment

# Never ask to be forgiven

# Tex, he was her boyfriend with no kin

# Always running from the law

# Every other weekend, the week ends with his back in her claw

# He's a live wire, wired Shooting sparks in the night

# He's a gun for hire Hired with a bead in his sight

# Take the time to waste a moment

# Facing where the lines are broken

# Name your price to all this living

# Never ask to be forgiven

# Take the time to waste a moment

# Facing where the lines are broken

# Name your price to all this living

# Never ask to be forgiven. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woo!

Kings of Leon!

Come on over, boys. Very good.

Here they come. Do you have an order you sit in? Hello, sir.

Hello, very nice to see you, go and join the gang.

Lovely to see you. Hello, very nice to see you. Come in, come in.

Nice to meet you.

OK, is there room? We are all in, we're in, we're in.

It's a tight car, but we're not going far.

That is from the new album WALLS, it's out now, and this is recorded

on Thursday, so I'm pretty sure by tomorrow

that's going to be number one, right?

-We hope so.

-We think so, yeah.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Nothing else has happened, yeah.

It is, it is...

And, so, Kings of Leon, it's three brothers...

-Then cousin on the end there?

-That's right.

-Aww.

Is that weird? Do you feel kind of excluded because you're the cousin?

Absolutely not, we've always been really close since we were...

-You did put him on a stool, I mean...

-Yeah...

It's our... It's like Christmas, yeah.

There's a funny card table with some plastic on it, and that stool.

But now, your mum, she is very involved -

not YOUR mother, obviously, you're just the cousin...

LAUGHTER "Your mother"(!)

She's very involved, she clears all the material, is that right?

She tries to. She says she does.

-But...

-But...

Yeah, she didn't hear this one. She was pretty upset.

I remember we were about to release the first single and she was like,

"Y'all are getting a whuppin', I haven't even heard this album yet."

She said, "It'll never be successful if I don't hear it first."

No, even on Twitter, bless her... This is such a mother tweet.

You - "Excited for the new single Waste A Moment.

"Buy it if you haven't already."

And underneath, that is your mum,

I'm guessing - BettyAnn Murphy - put,

"Text me how to find it...tried to last night and never did!"

LAUGHTER

And like, three angry emojis - you're in trouble.

Oh, yeah.

We're gettin' a whuppin'.

But hey - she didn't need to hear it, it's a huge success, it's number one.

-That's right.

-Take that, BettyAnn Murphy!

LAUGHTER

And thanks for doing that live,

cos I know it's not easy to get all that equipment and everything.

Kings of Leon, everyone! Very good. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very quickly, just before we go,

we've got time for a story or two in the Big Red Chair.

-Who's there? Oh, hello!

-Hello.

My God - how tall ARE you?

6ft 3½in.

Is that all? You look about 7ft 5in.

These shoes are big.

-What's your name?

-Luke.

-And where are you from?

-Perth, Australia.

-Perth!

-Yeah.

-Nothing. LAUGHTER

Do you live here, or travelling?

I'm living here, I'm a teacher in Tower Hamlets.

OK. I mean, obviously you teach children - what do you teach them?

Little kids. Year 2s. So, everything.

-Everything.

-Yeah.

-He knows it all, everyone. LAUGHTER

I'm struggling with the British history, though, a little bit.

Well, I'm sure they are too. Er...

Ofsted - it's him.

OK. Off you go with your story.

So, my wife and I were in Colombia,

on a bus, on a party bus.

We did not speak a word of Spanish

and no-one on the bus spoke a word of English.

We're having a great time sipping rum,

but then I got struck with probably the worst bout of food poisoning

I have ever had in my life -

like, I'm talking stage 12 critical code brown...

LAUGHTER

Nicely expressed, I thought.

The thing is, my wife... Because we didn't speak any Spanish,

she was really trying hard to explain to anyone that would listen.

She's a really bad mimer,

and she's trying to mime that I'm very, very sick, but

it just looked like she was miming that I really wanted to dance.

So all of the people were

just looking at me and pointing and saying, "Yeah, yeah."

In Spanish, obviously - "Si, si."

LAUGHTER

But yeah, it just sort of went downhill from there -

eventually my wife was able to

somehow communicate that I could get off the bus

and we managed to safely exit the bus.

No! Boring!

After all of that, he didn't even shit himself.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I can only apologise.

What a dull story!

"I was a little ill, but not that ill, on a bus." LAUGHTER

One more. We're going to squeeze in one more. Quick, quick, quick. This is the one, this is the one.

-What's your name, lady?

-Dawn.

Dawn, I've high hopes for Dawn. Where you from, Dawn?

The Hoo Peninsula in Kent.

Woo-hoo!

SOME WHOOPING AND CLAPPING

-Are you here alone?

-No, there's three out there.

Well, they're...very quiet.

LAUGHTER Could someone wake Dawn's friends?

All right, Dawn, off you go with your story.

Right. When I first met my husband he used to make a lot of bread.

-So one day, I decided to make some myself.

-Can I just say...

I love that, that's amazing.

LAUGHTER

I got the flour out the back cupboard and it had black bits in it -

wasn't sure what they was, so I sieved them and made the bread.

A few days later I found out what the black bits were.

We had mice in the cupboard.

GASPING

And he'd eaten the bread.

LAUGHTER

Is that...? See...

-Oh, your husband's here?

-Yeah. He doesn't know.

LAUGHTER

Where's Dawn's husband?

There he is - hale and hearty. Well done!

Shall we let Dawn walk? Cos I like Dawn.

Dawn, you can walk, go on!

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Very good!

If you would like to join us on the show and have a go in that red chair

just contact us via our website at this very address...

That is it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen -

so please, say a huge thank you to my guests, it's Kings of Leon!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Catherine Tate! WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Jude Law! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cobie Smulders! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Mr Tom Cruise! WHOOPING, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

Join me next week with music from LeAnn Rimes,

Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston,

and two of our hottest young British actors,

Benedict Cumberbatch...

WHOOPING ..and Eddie Redmayne.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye!