Episode 18 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening, I'm Tom Hiddleston, and this is The Graham Norton Show!

Oh, oh! Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Hello! Welcome.

Thank you SO much.

Thank you.

No, no...

Oh, it's lovely.

It's as if you mean it.

Hey, we've got a bursting sofa of showbiz for you tonight.

And, hey, it's been a showbiz week, because it's the Grammy Awards,

the film Baftas.

It's awards season, that's what it is -

-awards season! AUDIENCE:

-Whooooo!

I think it's my favourite of all the four seasons.

It's like Springwatch for celebrities.

At the Grammys, Adele was so disappointed that Beyonce

didn't win Best Album, she snapped her award in half

to give to her.

Which sounds impressive, but then she did have five of them.

"'Ere, one of these is broken.

"D'ya want it?

"It's broken. I've got loads, have one!"

If you missed the Baftas this week, I can tell you that the award

for Best Male Performance SHOULD have gone to Canadian Prime Minister

Justin Trudeau.

That look! I LOVE his look.

It's like, "I'm not touching THAT - I don't know where that's been.

"Oh, wait. I do."

He told us!

But surely the award for Longest And Most Unwelcome

Handshake With President Trump must go to the Japanese Prime Minister.

Have a look. He goes in for the grab. A bit of a shake.

"Don't touch my hand." Having pictures taken, it's all lovely,

that's grand. "Just take my hand back.

"No, I think we've done it. Don't! OK, they've taken the pictures now.

"I want it...! Stop that now! Yes, thank you.

"Don't touch my hand!

-"Oh, thank

-BLEEP

-for that!"

Let's get some guests on!

Later, I'll be shaking hands with the stars

of Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead.

Joshua McGuire and Daniel Radcliffe will be here.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But first, this man has had more number ones than any other

British artist this decade. Now he's back "Disturbing London"

with his new album, Youth. It's Tinie Tempah, everybody!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Youth, see? Look at you, you're so young!

Tinie Tempah, everybody!

He's a Bafta, Emmy and Golden Globe winning comedian

who's created shows like Derek, Extras and The Office.

Now he's returning to the stand-up stage. Please welcome Ricky Gervais!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Here he is!

-Thank you.

Hello, lovely to see you. Have a seat.

This brilliant actress chilled us in Luther and won a Golden Globe

for her sizzling performance in The Affair.

Now she's bringing Hedda Gabler to the National.

It's Ruth Wilson, everybody!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. Hello. Nice to see you.

Come in and have a seat.

He plays Loki in Thor and starred in last year's breakout hit

The Night Manager. Now he's back,

with the biggest movie monster of all, in Kong: Skull Island.

Please welcome Tom Hiddleston, everybody!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

Nice to see you. Have a seat.

Whoo!

Thank you. Whoo!

-Whoo! AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

You're glad you didn't wear a top NOW, aren't you? Yes!

Yeah! Work it, work it!

Look at Ruth. Ruth is like, "Yeah, back off!

"I've got this couch."

Welcome to you all, lovely to see you all.

I'm so worried that I'm the only one that's made an effort.

I just realised that I might put mud on you.

These are actually dirty trainers.

This is embarrassing.

-Yes, I didn't notice those. That is piss-poor.

-Really sorry.

Tom's made the actual effort. Suited and booted.

CHEERING

Shut up!

I wanted to say congratulations to you.

-Why?

-Didn't you win a huge award a couple of weeks ago?

Oh, I did. That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.

CHEERING

I'm just humouring him. I didn't win an award.

You did, you won, like, a huge, special achievement.

It was almost like a "you're going to die soon" award.

It was one of them.

It was a national treasure award.

National treasure award. Something like that.

Anyway, talking of people... Moving on!

They're in my ear, "Tell him to shut up!"

Talking of knowing each other,

you guys know each other very well. You acted together.

We did. We did our first... my first job. Was it YOUR first job?

It wasn't my first, but it was very near the beginning.

It SEEMED like it! That's terrible!

Yeah, it's not a good review.

It was...

We'd just left drama school and it was a Channel 5 comedy show

-called Suburban Shootout.

-Yes!

Yes, high art.

And we played a young teenage couple, um, just struggling

with life to find our way.

And you seem quite close in some of the stills

that have been released.

Right, yeah.

You'd both say no now, wouldn't you? You'd both say no now.

It was hilarious.

I play this character who was just back from a year's travelling

and is quite innocent.

Are you wrestling?

Yes, that's what we're doing, we're wrestling.

He's massaging my leg.

Oh, that's what he's doing!

I'm glad we haven't actually got the video version of this.

Have you been offered acting roles, Tinie?

I was in Absolutely Fabulous, but just at the start.

I offered you an acting role.

Oh, yeah, you offered me an acting role as well, sorry.

-Turned him down.

-Yeah.

His exact words were, "Nah, bruv."

Ricky wanted me to be like a stereotypical...

I'm going to air it all out now. We might as well just solve it now.

It was the Comic Relief sketch.

You wanted me to be too-cliche rapper.

I was a bit...

David Brent was going to not know who you were,

-and you were going to pull up...

-So he was going to insult me.

So, it was when I did Equality Street and I was going

to come out of the studio, and Tinie Tempah was going to come in

and I was going to get in and I was going to think he was Uber.

LAUGHTER

So it was going to be really awkward.

In hindsight, that could have been quite fun, actually.

That does sound quite funny. Now, you're performing later.

-I am, yeah.

-So this is the new single.

-Tell us about the new single.

-This is the new single.

It's called Text From Your Ex.

I'm very much inspired by everything I listened to when I was growing up,

so I decided to make an album called Youth.

I'm 28 years old and I feel like...

I saw him look at me like, "You bastard!"

My new album's called Death.

Just don't release it on the same day as mine.

Now, Text From Your Ex, it is a cautionary tale.

Is it something that happened to you?

Yeah, it's literally, like, real-life extract.

Most of my songs are about relationships in a positive light.

I've dated a lot of girls.

I date a lot of girls.

That's good of you. That's good of you.

It's healthy to do that.

Is that a term, ex-tracks?

-No.

-I thought that was a thing.

-No.

-Good.

-Let's not go TOO deep, Tom. Let's not go TOO deep.

So it's literally texts from my ex.

One day, you're in a scenario...

I'm sure everyone here, especially you, if Hedda Gabler

is true, like, remotely true...

You get this awkward text where someone sees something

where you're kind of messing with somebody else and you get

in a bit of trouble, or vice versa as well.

You don't have to be the bad person.

You could see a text from someone that sent it to your partner.

That's basically what this song is about.

You were cheating.

Yes.

It's about cheating.

Nicely put.

To be quite honest with you, I know it sounds crazy, but I think,

in this day and age, because of the social media we have

and the ways you can message people, whether it's Snapchat or Instagram

or Tinder, I feel like cheating is a lot more...

It's very wrong, but...

-more virtual.

-More virtual.

It's more of a normal kind of accepted - not accepted thing -

but there are apps made around the whole concept of it.

Do you get what I'm saying?

-LAUGHTER

-It's true.

I've been going out with my girlfriend since

before computers, though.

We text each other pictures of the cat.

No, there's emojis for all these different things now.

-It's crazy.

-But you say you've been dating since before the internet

and before computers, but you do now, you have a lovely way

of using social media as a tribute to your partner, Jane.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I just...

I like your in-the-bath faces that you do.

The in-the-bath faces, but I also get pictures,

if we're out or something, I sort of lag behind

and get Jane by herself with no-one around,

and I take a picture of her and I tweet,

"Jane with all her friends."

-Yeah.

-She's always alone.

I can imagine. So, I don't know how funny Jane finds these,

-but they are funny.

-She's fine!

Here's one you tweeted of Jane.

The next one... This is exactly what you're describing.

Jane thinking about making new friends.

I went, "Jane, look at those crows"!

Does she not know you're doing this? Does she not think, "Where is he?"

She sees the tweet.

This one is...

Then...

When she's posing for one of these pictures, does she go,

"Is this one of those pictures

"where you're going to make me look like I have no friends?"?

No, no. I'm so convincing.

But also, there had to have been a few words at home

after you posted this one.

LAUGHTER

There had to be a gift.

You must have given her a gift after that.

Yeah. Well, there you go.

That's what being in a relationship of 30 years does.

Hey, lots of things to talk about tonight, but the big movie

tonight is for Tom Hiddleston, who brings us Kong: Skull Island.

It's out on the 9th of March.

I was telling you backstage,

it is a terrific old-fashioned reboot of a monster movie.

Sell it to the people.

Well, in case anyone was wondering, it's a huge movie

-about a giant monkey.

-Oh, thank God.

And the difference about this one is there's no Empire State Building

this time, so there's no Fay Wray, there's no Ann Darrow.

It's set in 1973.

The President of the United States, Richard Nixon, has withdrawn

US troops from Vietnam, a bit of an uneasy time in Washington.

Might sound familiar.

Are we going to see a big monkey?

-Is this how this story plays out?!

-It's not a true story, is it?

-No, no!

-Don't remember this one.

Basically, a group of explorers go to this undiscovered island

in the South Pacific, and what do they find?

Your favourite - a giant prehistoric ape.

Also, what's so good is, they just don't find a big monkey.

There's big LOTS of things.

There's big lots of things. It's a little bit Planet Earth on steroids.

Excellent.

Yeah, it is an adventure into the unknown, and human beings

are put back into the food chain, and they're not at the top.

OK, we've got a clip. This is basically a bit of the trail,

and you're in it, and a big monkey. Here you go.

OK.

An uncharted island... Let me list all the ways you're going to die.

Rain, heat... And I haven't even started on the things that

want to eat you alive.

That's Kong. This island is his kingdom.

It's time to show Kong... man is king.

Ha-ha, you shouldn't have come here!

We'll double that.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

-That looks good.

-Thank you, thank you.

I tell you, the really fun thing about it is the '70s thing.

The soundtrack is great.

It's got this rock and roll soundtrack,

Creedence Clearwater Revival.

You've never seen King Kong in this environment before.

And it's got this incredible cast, Samuel L Jackson.

I think Samuel L Jackson says at one point, "Hold on to your butts."

Which is reason enough to go and see any movie.

Really. The cast is great.

-It's him, Brie Larson, John Goodman.

-John C Reilly.

What's odd is, because normally with something that is

so...computer animation and all that kind of stuff, there is a lot

of green screen, but you actually went to locations.

Yeah, I do think actually it's the great...

Jordan Vogt-Roberts, who directed it, really was insistent

that we go to places on Earth

which are both beautiful and dangerous

so that it didn't feel like a digital environment, it felt

like a real place.

So we went to Oahu in Hawaii.

-Tough gig.

-Dangerous! Scary!

I'm terrified, Tom.

It's very windy there sometimes!

Very windy! "The umbrella blew out of my cocktail"!

Um, and we went to Queensland in Australia.

That's scary, I'll give you that.

There are rainforests there, and they have...

All the most dangerous animals in the world are in the state

of Queensland in Australia.

Crazy.

Snakes, spiders.

Someone from Queensland going, "Yeah! I escaped!"

And you'd see the funnel-web spiders starting to...

Jesus!

Oh, no, no. No, no.

People say, "Come to Australia."

You're right, they've got the most poisonous spiders, snakes,

jellyfish, sharks, crocodiles.

And they walk round in flip-flops.

And I think, "Oh, no. No."

That's why all the men look like Chris Hemsworth.

They have to.

They are fighting for their lives.

Tinie, where is your...?

You adopted an animal.

Yeah. Yeah, that.

No, I adopted a cheetah, actually, when I was in Kenya.

-OK! Wow.

-A little baby cheetah.

Pretty cute.

There we go.

-Actually, in fairness, that is very cute.

-VERY cute.

Tried to bring him to London, said it wasn't possible.

Correct. Correct.

I called him Tinie as well, which was nice.

That would be so gangster fabulous,

walking down Hampstead with a cheetah.

"Who's that?" "I believe it's Tinie Tempah."

I was really happy to do that.

We went to Nairobi Reserve Park,

and it was a pretty great experience.

And also, on the flipside,

I'm kind of into taxidermy.

I don't know if this is going to...

When you say the flipside...

Try explaining that to Tinie!

Right.

But only if...

"You're too small right now."

But later. But only if they say they've died of natural causes.

To be honest, I don't know what it is.

I think it's maybe African roots or whatever, but I really love

the idea of being surrounded by exotic animals.

So in my house I have a zebra and I have a giraffe as well.

-Wow!

-But not, like, a real one.

-It was real before.

-Yeah.

A dead one.

-Yeah.

-A dead one.

-Yeah, that died of natural...

like, the flu and stuff.

A sore throat.

A sore throat with a giraffe is serious.

It is, yeah, really.

-Fatal.

-It's really bad.

Have you got high ceilings, then, in your house?

Very.

Or he's drinking.

"I need one that died drinking.

"I'm in a council house and I need...

"Have you got a giraffe that died in its sleep?"

They never do that with animals, do they?

They never have taxidermy animals that are like that.

It's always like a bear like that.

Just going...

That's what I want to do with me.

I want to taxidermy... You can have me.

When I'm dead, it's just me like that.

On your sofa.

-"Here is the Ricky Gervais."

-Giraffe, zebra...

"Who's that?"

-"Ricky."

-"Died of natural causes."

My mum threatened to get my dog stuffed when he died.

She wanted him stuffed and put on the wall of our house.

-The wall?!

-She's like, "It'd be lovely to put the head..."

Dogs don't go on walls.

The head, our dog's head. Our dog was called Seb.

He was lovely. Lovely black Lab.

I had a black Labrador growing up.

-Did she do that?

-No, thank God.

But it would have been quite frightening.

But she quite liked the idea of it. She wanted to...

-Yeah, not that much of a bad thing.

-It would be heartbreaking.

I don't know. It might be quite nice.

Stroke it every now and then.

Have it stuffed asleep by the fire, so it's like...

-That would be nice.

-That would make sense.

-Put your feet on it.

-Well...

Hard to explain to the NEW dog.

That's REALLY creepy!

"Huh?!

-"What's that?"

-"That will be you in 15 years."

"That's where I keep my pyjamas."

-But you're afraid...

-Well.

What are you afraid of?

Well, anything in Australia, basically.

Sharks.

-That's rational.

-That's rational.

-From Jaws.

-I'm the same.

-You SHOULD be scared of sharks.

But you get scared of sharks in places where there cannot be sharks.

Internet cafes? What do you mean?

Swimming pools. Swimming pools.

I had a fear always that they'd come through the flap.

I still do. If I'm in a swimming pool on my own, I just get...

-My mind goes...

-Yeah, you freak yourself out. Yeah, yeah.

Those flaps. What if it comes through the flap?

-You know where that's from?

-What if?

I don't know how a shark would obviously get through there but...

I had the same fear and I think it's from Thunderball.

Thunderball?

You know in Thunderball, the Bond film?

Yes.

And the villain, Largo, has two swimming pools and people get

chucked into the swimming pool.

And if you've behaved badly, they released the grille

and the sharks come in.

-That's what it's from.

-That terrified me.

This might be a bit weird, guys, but do you ever get a

similar thing, but on the toilet?

LAUGHTER

Does that ever happen?

When you're sitting there for ages and you think,

"Imagine if something just..."

Spiders, from Arachnophobia. That happened in that.

Or the poster of Jaws.

I worry more about things that come OUT, not that come up.

Giving birth to a shark - now, that's a weird phobia.

Right, let's turn to Ruth Wilson.

Currently starring at the National Theatre as Hedda Gabler.

It runs till the 21st of March.

But if you are not in the London area,

it will be broadcast live in cinemas on the 9th of March.

And even the people who are familiar with

Hedda Gabler, this is a very different take on the play.

Yes. It's a director called Ivo Van Hove.

And he has a very modern take on the play.

We are in modern dress, I'm in a little slip.

Sell those tickets!

-Exactly!

-It's practically see-through.

I want to see YOU in it now!

You'd look great, Graham.

I get covered in tomatoes.

It's very physical and active.

And we have sort of light coming from

under the stage, and it's stunning.

It looks quite cinematic.

I saw it a couple of weeks ago.

It's a really amazing production and Ruth is brilliant in it.

Well, it's fun. She's a not particularly nice woman.

Yeah, one of my friends said that you just ruin loads of men's lives.

Yes, she does.

She has three men around her and she sends them to their death.

She's pretty nasty.

-But she's funny.

-I love her.

-She's funny.

She's acerbic and dry and sharp, yes.

She's dangerous.

Ricky Gervais, you are famously a very lazy actor.

-You would not be in a play like this.

-No.

I wouldn't do a play. I wouldn't do a play.

Because I can walk out on stage to thousands of people

and just say what I want, but if it's lines,

if it's Ibsen or Shakespeare,

I know they probably know the play too, so I could go wrong.

Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't want to let them down.

I don't want to have to...

I don't want that moment of getting something wrong.

I can't get it wrong when it's me, because I'm making it, or whatever.

That would be... No, I couldn't do it.

I was in a production of a Shakespeare play,

Coriolanus, and there was one night where somebody actually had brought

the play along and a little night light so they could read it.

-Jesus!

-That would wind you up.

-That is just rude, isn't it?

Or is that weird? Were they academic?

No, that's not part of the deal.

They had a night light!

You're in the Donmar, the smallest theatre in London,

and they've got a night light!

I banned ice in drinks at my gigs because it puts me off.

I'm like a right little fascist.

I can't stand anyone talking or...

-No ice in the drinks!

-No, because it rattles.

It's annoying me. I'm talking.

I can't stand it.

It's a plastic glass!

I allow plastic glasses.

But, no, it's quiet, it's dark, I can't see them.

Yeah, I couldn't do a play.

People chatting.

Tinie, did you do anything in school?

Have you ever done acting?

I did The Pied Piper in primary school.

I was the mayor.

Is the mayor the baddie in The Pied Piper?

The mayor is kind of the baddie, yeah.

He doesn't pay him, does he? So he lets the rats come back.

All the rats come, and it's a disaster.

Oh, yes.

Very challenging role, I imagine!

Cos Tom Hiddleston, now, one of your...

You acted in school.

I mean, how posh is this?

You go to see a school production, and Tom Hiddleston's in it,

with Eddie Redmayne.

Well, yes.

He was a great talent, even then.

He was a huge star.

And we were in the school production of A Passage To India by EM Forster.

There must have been some really depressed parents

going in to see that. "A Passage To India!

"They're doing A Passage To India"!

How long was it?

-I've no idea.

-About three hours.

-Yeah.

So, all-boys school.

"We're only halfway"!

And Eddie, the great Eddie Redmayne, the now Oscar-winning Eddie Redmayne

was playing the female lead.

And in A Passage To India, there's an expedition to this

cultural landmark called the Marabar Caves, by elephant.

I'm delighted to reveal that I played

the front right leg of the elephant that Eddie was riding on.

So there was four of you to make the elephant?

-That's right, yeah.

-And he was sitting on you?

He's sitting...

We're holding a table with a cushion on top of it and also

a tablecloth to cover our faces, because our bodies are the elephant.

Yes, so that's...

Sounds awful.

You've just got that picture in your head.

I imagine sitting there thinking, "I haven't had a drink,

"we're at school, they are carrying some boy dressed as a girl

"on top of the table."

"And my son is playing the front leg."

I can't even say, "That's my boy!"

-Front leg!

-Great.

"Cast, IMDb, front leg."

Great.

Because, Ruth, you have appeared with Eddie Redmayne,

-or you haven't appeared with Eddie Redmayne?

-No, I've never...

There was a point at which I was

almost going to be cast in something with him.

But apparently, our faces next to each other, we both have

extraordinary-looking faces, so they thought

they were too weird-looking next to each other on screen.

That's what I was told by the producer.

-They said that?!

-Both our faces are too extraordinary to be opposite

each other on one frame.

-Everyone would be put off.

-Wow! Think of this couch.

I think we've got a picture of Eddie.

Let's have a little picture of Eddie up.

You look all right.

I don't know. Apparently, two extraordinary-looking weird faces.

-TINIE:

-They do look a bit related.

It might have been that.

It might have been that, actually. It might have looked incestuous.

That would put people off.

Yes, supposed to be lovers, rather than brothers or sisters.

People would be waiting for the subplot

-the whole way through the film.

-Exactly.

Talking of families, Tinie, your mother is quite concerned

about the whole hip-hop thing.

Yes, she is so concerned that she's here. Somewhere.

-Mum? She's there.

-Where's Mrs Tempah?

-Hi, Mum.

-There she is. Hello. Hi.

APPLAUSE

Hey, Mum, stop embarrassing me.

She's so concerned that she's basically here now.

To be honest with you, I haven't told anybody this,

but she's always messaging me on WhatsApp.

I don't know why my sister showed her how to use it,

but she always messages me on WhatsApp, and she says,

"You need to make more love songs," because love songs are the way

to people's hearts.

So, as a result, when I went to do Top Gear, I met Seasick Steve

and we started making this song.

It's not on my album, which is coming out soon.

But we made a song called 2,500 Roses, that I made

with Seasick Steve, purely because my mum told me

-to make more love songs.

-Aw, good son, good son.

One day, maybe people will hear that.

Now, Ricky Gervais is also back on stage.

His first stand-up show in seven years.

Did you mean to wait seven years?

No, it just kept...

It gets pushed back.

The last one I did was, I don't know - well, seven years ago.

Was that the one in Hammersmith?

-Yeah.

-The Science one?

No, I ended up in Wembley.

-Hammersmith AND Wembley I did Science.

-I saw the Science one.

-Oh, cheers, man.

-That couldn't have been seven years ago.

-I think it was. I think it was.

-Was it?

Why do you say that, Tinie?

Because I feel like seven years ago is a long, long time.

But I actually went to see that show.

-Cheers, man.

-Yeah.

-Did you pay?

-Well...

-You didn't, did you?

-I didn't pay.

But now that you've said

you turn the lights off on your audience, I don't know.

You're not on the guest list next time.

It's called Humanity. It starts next week, on the 21st,

and then basically runs through the rest of the year.

It runs through the rest of the year, ending up in LA.

-And I don't have to pay for this one?

-You're on the guest list, man.

Perfect.

-Sweet!

-You have to pay.

If I come as half an elephant...

The front leg, yeah!

"The table's moving."

What's it about?

It's sort of about how the world's got worse.

It's basically me ranting from the most privileged

position imaginable.

I think it's my most honest as well, because the great thing

about stand-up, unlike writing a film or TV - when you write

a TV or film, you do it, and you do your best guess,

you edit it, put it out there and that's it,

there's nothing you can do about it.

Whereas I can change it every single night.

It's like evolution by natural selection.

They pick your best hour.

If they laugh, it stays in.

If they don't, it goes, or you work on it.

So after 50 gigs, everything works, the gasps,

the laughs, the walk-outs.

You call it Humanity but I'm sure you'll be talking about all sorts

-of things in the show.

-Yeah, it's a jump-off point.

I've always done that sort of pompous faux academic,

because I thought it was quite funny to pretend it was a lecture

and then just talk about Hitler and masturbation.

I don't know why I put those together.

I don't know...

Masturbating to Hitler.

That's the new album.

The shows you do, you did one on animals, didn't you?

Yes, Animals, Politics, Fame and Science.

Animals, I know you've talked about animals a lot,

because you were very young...

You always were interested in nature and animals.

I've always been fascinated with science and nature.

That's probably my first love.

Before film, or comedy, or even music.

Yeah, and...

I remember when I was about...

Along with that, growing up in my family,

everyone was winding everyone up.

I was the youngest of four, and I remember once when my sister

must've been about 25 or something.

I was, like, eight.

And they used to take me out in the woods.

And I used to be foraging.

I used to love insects and I knew about space and everything.

And I found a perfect little discarded snakeskin.

And I picked it up and my sister was scared of it.

And I suddenly thought, "I've got her." And I was teasing her.

And she was going, "Put it down, it's got germs."

And I was running around chasing her.

And she went, "You're not coming in the car with that."

So I left it there.

And then when I was about 15, I was at home with some of my mates

and I decided to wind her up and I started teasing her about how

she was scared of snakes, I chased her with a snakeskin.

And she chose that time to tell me that I'd actually been running

around with a used condom.

LAUGHTER

So, yeah...

"Look, it left its poison!"

Right, time to meet our final guests.

They are the double act in the new production of Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead.

Please welcome Joshua McGuire and our good friend Daniel Radcliffe. They're here.

CHEERING

Hello! Good to see you.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

There's room, isn't there? There's room, there's room.

There's room, there's room.

Hello. How are you?

Yay, yay. Lovely to see you.

Now, before we talk about another thing, very quickly,

Daniel Radcliffe, time traveller. We've had this on the show before.

-Right, yes.

-I don't know if you're familiar with this.

Daniel Radcliffe, time traveller. This is the collection so far.

-Right.

-Daniel Radcliffe.

Daniel Radcliffe.

-I'm a lady from the past!

-And this is my favourite one.

Daniel Radcliffe.

That's amazing.

I look like a lot of old women in the past.

But very rarely men or boys.

About two days ago, two days ago, someone found another one.

Oh, good.

This is a young lady in 1922.

There she is.

It's... These are all my past lives.

-You've had a lot.

-I was a slightly depressed lady in a lot of them.

If you think you've spotted Daniel Radcliffe

in a former life, do get in touch.

Please contribute to this growing collection.

Daniel and Joshua are together in Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead.

Previews start next Saturday

and then it opens properly,

when you're really good at it. It will open on the 7th of March.

And Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, obviously, bit players in Hamlet

but in the Stoppard play are the stars.

You're much better at this than me. Sorry, do you mind? I've been

dumping Josh in it with this question, because

it's quite a hard play to explain,

so I'm going to let him do all of it.

It's two supporting characters from Hamlet kind of thrust

centre stage, and they don't know who they are, where they are,

why they are there, what they're doing, what they need to do,

-and they don't want to die.

-Yeah.

-That's key.

-That's pretty much it.

And it's very, very funny.

It's like if Shakespeare had written some sort

of mashup of The Truman Show and Groundhog Day, and I also keep

thinking about The Matrix, but don't expect anything

that's like The Matrix, if you come and see the show.

Wow, this sounds amazing!

Everyone now thinks that you guys are doing some kind of slow-mo

kung fu in a leather jacket.

-We might be.

-We might be, yeah.

If we can set them up to expect that, the actual show

will be a lot better.

It doesn't open until the 7th of March. There's plenty of time.

And this is a very special production because

the play is 50 years old.

Am I right - I didn't know this - the original production

was in the Old Vic, where you're doing it?

Yes. I don't know, was the Old Vic there when it was put on?

Yeah, it was the Old Vic, because the National Theatre was there.

And so they...

It was first done in Edinburgh, and then it made Tom Stoppard

an overnight sensation, and they brought it

to the National the next year.

It did totally make his reputation. It made him a huge star.

He also wrote it when he was younger than us, which is really annoying.

You are younger than Tinie Tempah.

-How old are you?

-I'm 27.

-Yeah, you ARE younger than me. I'm 28.

-In your face, Tinie.

Even though I'm no longer the youngest, can I tell you guys

why this is the best day of my life?

You're not going to believe this, you really ain't.

Earlier this morning, Graham, I saw Ralph Fiennes

in Carluccio's so, technically, I have seen Harry Potter

and Voldemort on the same day.

CHEERING

This is like the best day ever.

You don't understand.

I'm, like, jizzing, literally.

And again, your mother is here!

I assume Jizzing is a character from Harry Potter.

Yes, it's a thing. It's a thing.

So the thing is, because you've done stage work before,

you obviously like the theatre.

But equally, it's an odd thing for somebody like you

with a film background,

that stage-door moment, there's nothing...

You have to leave the building.

So is there a way...?

Have the two of you got a game plan?

I'm Dan's security.

-That's how it works.

-Josh is helping me out.

But you did do a clever thing to stop the paparazzi.

Well, I mean, it's not... Yes.

-I think it IS clever.

-Thank you very much.

We happened upon it by accident because I don't change my clothes

as often as I should, but we realised that,

as I was leaving the theatre, because I wore the same thing

basically every day, and we realised on the third day of me wearing

the same thing, they just didn't bother, because they thought,

"This looks like it's from every other day

"that we've been taking photos of him."

That is always the question, how can you possibly...

I did a play once, The Cripple Of Inishmaan,

and there was this woman who came to every performance

for two weeks and sat in the front row, the middle of the front row.

She had this very loud laugh,

and she would laugh at all the right points,

but for much longer than everybody else.

Eventually on the third day, people were complaining about her

and someone went up to her and asked her to move,

and it transpired she was French and didn't speak English.

So we were like, "What are you laughing at? What are you getting out of the show?"

Because it's Martin McDonagh and heavy Irish accents,

and it's very confusing.

And I've met her a few times and I probably shouldn't be

telling this story on TV.

She won't understand it!

I've met her at the stage door and I always sign and I always try

and initiate conversation with her. She never says anything to me.

She thinks he's an old woman from the '30s.

She thinks she knows me!

"You're my nan. You're my nan!"

Because, Tinie, you are very nice to your fans.

Yes, I have sexy fans, though.

I have very sexy, hot fans.

I believe you.

-No, OK, not all of my fans are sexy.

-I'M one of your fans.

-Yeah...

-See?

OK, not all of my fans are sexy.

Not all of them, but I do have a lot.

And then the ones that are not, just to make it clear

that there is a clear difference, I have also employed

some of my fans as well.

You see, isn't that a clever thing to do?

Is there like...? Do you employ them if they are sexy, or if they're not?

That's what I'm saying, if they are not sexy, I need to make that clear,

all right?

If they're not sexy, then there are two fans I have employed.

OK, Tinie, do you understand what you're saying?

Do you realise what your words are saying?

-They won't mind!

-There's two people watching this show now in tears.

They definitely won't mind.

-They won't mind!

-They won't mind.

But basically...

-How much are you paying them?!

-OK. No.

Let me explain. It will make more sense.

One is not dressed as a giraffe and one as a zebra.

LAUGHTER

No. No.

Don't worry about it. I will explain on another day.

Very quickly, we must mention, Joshua, your series Lovesick is back

on Netflix for a third series.

Absolutely, yes.

But, now, why did they change the name?

-From Scrotal Recall?

-Yes. It was a brilliant name.

-That's great.

-That's quite catchy.

I think you put it quite well.

You say it's a good name but not for that show.

For a different show.

-Yeah.

-I mean, you got so used to it that when people asked you

what you were doing, you'd be like, "Oh, I'm doing Scrotal."

And they'd be like, "What?"

"Uh, Scrotal Recall."

Apparently, when the first series was happening,

an agent e-mailed the producer, and either something went wrong

on autocorrect or they got the name of the show wrong, and the header

of the e-mail was Scrotum Rectum.

That sounds like a great show.

A very different show.

There is also your life... I did see someone shout, "Lovesick,"

at you on the street the other day.

And your life would be very different

-if people were shouting, "Scrotal," at you.

-Yes.

-A plus point.

Talking of other jobs, we can't end without mentioning

the brilliant episode that, Daniel, you did with Ricky in Extras.

Aw, amazing.

-Thank you for that again.

-It's got a snake in it, as well, hasn't it?

A snake. It's got a snake. Exactly. Same...

Diana Rigg. That was a hell of a day.

How were you allowed to...?

Because you were still doing Harry Potter when...

We had to be so close to it but not actually put him in Harry Potter.

That's why I'm a Boy Scout and not a schoolboy in a school uniform.

They managed to get Gryffindor colours but we couldn't do...

And the joke was that he was still a schoolboy in his real life.

So he was playing a sort of exaggerated, adolescent...

And you were only about 17, weren't you?

Younger. I think I was about 15 or 16.

And he was playing an adolescent who used to brag about sex

but had never had sex, and that was the gag.

And there was a bit on the bus where he is showing me the condom

he's going to use, and he flicks it and it lands

on Dame Diana Rigg's face.

And of course, that is one take.

I remember going over to her and going,

"Just put it over your eye a little bit."

There is Dame Diana Rigg and I'm going, "A bit more like that,"

pulling a condom over her face.

Was there soup on it as well?

-No, that's a different...

-Have I mashed up two episodes?

That's a dream.

This is like DVD extras. Let's enjoy the scene again.

Hey, gang. What we doing?

Just been eating.

Yeah, sweet.

Look, thanks for covering my arse earlier.

The offer still stands.

-What offer?

-You know...

Just going to go and get a drink. Does anybody want anything?

-I'll have a cup of tea.

-Get me a bourbon, would you, babe?

I think it's mostly just teas and coffees.

Yeah, get me a cup of joe, would you? And make it strong.

I don't like the weak shit. Oh!

Look, when she comes back, make some excuse and leave us alone,

will you?

What have you got planned?

You've unravelled it.

Ready for action.

Just hope it's big enough.

All right, Tinie, the time has come for you to sing for us so...

-No, I'm OK.

-..if you'd like to make your way along.

I'll wait here, shall I? Go up by yourself?

On the music stage. There he goes, off goes Tinie Tempah.

OK, here he is, performing Text From Your Ex,

it is Tinie Tempah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I got a text from your ex, boy

# She said to look through your texts, boy

# I'm not the kind of girl to snoop but I had a feeling to

# And now I'm looking for my next boy

# See, I got a text from your ex-girl

# And she was telling me where you were, last night

# I was chilling on my own, thinking you're alone

# You were having ... with your ex-girl... #

-RAPS:

-# Graham Norton!

# Yeah, one text from my ex You know I always flex on my ex

# You know I got a rep to protect

# You know I never let it get to my head

# No, never gettin' vexed when you're wet

# My DJ bring his decks on the jet Came out when you put me on the sofa

# I know you wanna get my respect

# I don't know why you moved to mess What point you tryna prove again?

# Ah, there you go, gettin' loose again, but ya

# Try and win, but you lose again, and ya

# Hanging round those bougie ants Got girls, so you're usin' them

# But you're gettin' high, gotta lose the chance

# Gotta love you long time, but you was a ten

# I got a text from your ex, boy

# She said to look through your texts, boy

# I'm not the kind of girl to snoop but I had a feeling to

# And now I'm looking for my next boy... #

Make some noise for Imani!

# I got a text from your ex-girl

# And she was telling me where you were, last night

# I was chilling on my own, thinking you're alone

# You were having ... with your ex-girl

# I got a

# Life ain't always what it seems to be

# Tryna work it out what it means to me

# Nowadays everybody want a piece of me

# Notorious, south, west and east, yo

# That's why I look to seas and the seeker reef

# Used to check the Tinie man for the DVD

# He and I reminisce sometimes

# Peace in east, LA gettin' lean with Dee

# I don't know why you moved to mess

# Who you are, from who's your friends, I've got

# Space for you, and two in the Benz

# Ain't no night stand if you do it again

# But now me in amnesia Brandy or Moesha

# After referendums Girl, I've still got that visa

# I can't believe you've done this

# I told you I take no ...

# And you were supposed to love me

# Then I got a text from your ex, boy

# 079 3999

# On standby, three sixty-five

# You get high, you testify

# Who's that girl? You let me lie

# 079 3999

# On standby, all at a time

# You get high, and you testify

# I got a text from your ex, boy

# She said to look through your texts, boy

# I'm not the kind of girl to snoop but I had a feeling to

# And now I'm looking for my next boy

# See, I got a text from your ex-girl

# Graham Norton!

# And she was telling me where you were, last night

# I was chilling on my own, thinking you're alone

# You were having ... with your ex-girl

# I got a

# 079 3999

# Let's go!

# 079 3999

# Hey! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Imani, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you, thank you.

Tinie Tempah!

And Imani Williams. Beautiful.

Tinie, come up and join me.

Great job.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Have a seat. Squeeze in, squeeze in.

Great job.

And, yeah, go on.

They all want to congratulate you.

And that's from the new album, Youth, which is out

on the 31st of March.

Yes.

So this album, you're touring it almost immediately.

Are you going to Australia for it?

Yeah, so I go March the 1st and then, from there,

I'm kind of in New Zealand after that and then I come back

and then we go throughout Europe.

So...Italy, France -

-all the European countries.

-All THOSE countries.

Italy, France, the others.

Yeah.

All the people we've pissed off, basically.

-They'll still go and see you.

-Yeah, yeah.

Listen, good luck with the album, good luck with the tour.

Thank you very much for doing that. Tinie Tempah, everybody!

Now, I'm afraid that is it for tonight.

No time for red chairs.

-Boo-hoo! Oh, shut up. AUDIENCE:

-Boooooo!

Please say thank you to my lovely guests, Tinie Tempah...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Ricky Gervais... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Ruth Wilson... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Tom Hiddleston... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Joshua McGuire... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Mr Daniel Radcliffe. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Join me next week. We've another star-filled sofa,

including Sir Patrick Stewart and Wolverine himself, Hugh Jackman.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody, bye-bye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING