Compilation Show The Graham Norton Show

-My name is Tom Cruise.

-Hi, I'm Hugh Jackman.

-And I'm Patrick Stewart.

-Good evening. I'm Goldie Hawn.

-And I'm Amy Schumer.

-My name is Michael Caine.

-And I'm Morgan Freeman.

My name is Nicole Kidman.

I am Salma Hayek, and welcome to The Graham Norton Show. Yay!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh-ho!

-Hello! AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Graham!

That's my name. Hello, good evening. Hi, everyone. It's summertime.

CHEERING Yeah!

Hey, but before we go off on our holidays, it's time to take

a look back at some of the highlights from the past series.

So many great guests to remember, starting with this one.

But when it comes to on-screen romance, Diane Keaton,

-I think you like the on-screen romance, don't you?

-It's the best.

I mean, quite frankly, it doesn't get better than on-screen romance.

Because, frankly, you know,

think of all the men that you get to kiss

and you don't pay the price.

You know, like, in other words, you don't actually have to have a...

You know, the relationship is perfect

because you're telling the story, you're in the midst of the story.

So, yeah, I've enjoyed it. I enjoy it -

and I also like the audience

-and if there are some men out there...

-Whoa.

WHOOPING FROM AUDIENCE

..that I can kiss. Just because it's a friendly gesture.

There's nothing wrong with that.

First of all, it's just the greatest.

I mean, there's nothing better than kissing a man in a movie -

and people say that's difficult, but they're wrong.

-They're dead wrong.

-It depends on the man.

-Like... You and me kiss now.

-OK.

-Oh, I'm going to kiss him!

This is exciting!

No, no... This is, like... I cannot tell you -

this is so exciting for me. This is so exciting for me.

First of all, I hit them! Because if you don't hit them...

-Look, he needs punishment.

-OK.

-I take his face and say...

"I'm going to go like this, you big idiot!" Mwah!

-Oh!

-I'm going to do it again, you big idiot.

-Mwah!

Oh, I love that!

That's made my life! That has made my life.

-Now I'm going to kiss Kevin!

-OK...

-Can I kiss Kevin?

-If Kevin's willing.

-Are you ready, Kevin?

-Am I willing?!

LAUGHTER

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

-Woohoo!

Oh, Kevin!

See, he's so good!

That was so good.

APPLAUSE

-Go on!

-Yeah, I want to kiss Jessica, too.

Yeah, you have to.

Even though, you know, she's not a man...

Look at that girl.

First of all, the nose is great, OK?

What I'm going to do is I'm going to touch that sweet nose, right?

And then a big kiss, like she's my dear daughter.

You little baby, you've been bad.

-You've been a bad girl.

-Oh, my God! What is happening?

I don't know. I don't know about you, but you better be better!

Mwah!

What?!

Fabulous.

I feel better.

-It's good.

-It's OK.

I mean, you know, I could try it out on the audience, though,

it would be much better!

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

What a long show that turned into!

Can I just say...

-bucket list!

-Yeah, amen!

APPLAUSE

Amen!

That was amazing. That was amazing.

Is this...? I think this is your fifth time on the show.

-Yes.

-And every time I think, "This time I'll be cool about it."

So not cool about it! LAUGHTER

It doesn't wear off, the Tom Cruise thing.

Does it wear off in the film, the Cruise effect?

No, it really...

On a set I do feel for Tom, because

every day I'm sure I was, like, trying to encourage him to,

you know, one classic Tom line, like, "Show me the money!"

or something.

You know, there were always moments I was waiting, you know,

-with bated breath for something, but...

-And wasn't there a day when

you had your friends on set?

-Oh! Tom loves this story.

-OK, this is not true.

-This is the truth.

-There is the truth

and then there's Annabelle, and then there's the truth.

There's Annabelle's truth and then there's the truth.

-I want to hear Annabelle's version.

-My stories are far better. So...

We were in the middle of Central London,

we were shooting these running scenes,

and all my girlfriends were coming down...

-Why do you keep telling this story?

-Because it's a great story!

And my girlfriends came and I was like,

"Oh, Tom, look, my friends - wave."

And they were like, "Hi, Annabelle."

And then he goes,

"Watch this." He looks over, he goes...

-And they're like...

-SHE SCREAMS

And then he goes...

-"Annabelle, they're MY friends now."

-LAUGHTER

That is so not true!

That is so not true.

-That is so not true.

-You loved it!

You love it.

But I heard you talking about Ian

-and talking about how you were intimidated by his beauty.

-Yes.

-Ah, yes.

-Well...

-"Ah, yes"!

Please tell me you have a photograph.

This was a long time ago.

-Gorgeous!

-I think we do have a photograph.

We've got a photograph of Ian as Coriolanus.

-Here you are.

-Look at that! Come on!

-My Lord!

Wolverine, eat your heart out!

Having said that, you do look great there, Ian,

but check out Patrick Stewart.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

-Yeah.

-Well, you know.

-You know?

This is what you've got to look forward to.

I'll tell you something, you've been hearing about this amazing body.

It is absolutely amazing -

and a privilege to be so close...

..but Magneto, the character I used to play in this tired old franchise,

-was also pretty muscular, wasn't he?

-Yeah.

-He was.

-And there, you can see.

But the trick is that I am wearing underneath my costume a suit

which is sculpted to look as if I've put all the effort

as he has into it.

-What?!

-You knew that.

-Did you know that?

-No. I was told, "You've got to work out.

"McKellen's working out, you've got to work out."

I just put on the suit and I tell you what, I've still got it at home.

I do wear it on occasion.

And while you were on set, you had a birthday.

-Yes, I turned 50.

-No!

-What?

Good, right? Good.

APPLAUSE

No! No.

And I had no Botox!

-APPLAUSE

-No Botox! No fillers.

-Salma!

-But I do confess...

-You should see her close up!

It's a patchwork quilt!

No, I have to give a tip, I have to confess because the girls...

I do pull my hair, you see, it's like...

Here's it's a little bit pulled.

It's giving me a headache but I am enduring it for you.

You cannot do that.

You probably could do it, but... in a couple of years.

-LAUGHTER

-Botox or the hair?

No, the pulling.

-You don't need it.

-Thank you.

GRAHAM LAUGHS

"No, it doesn't make me feel good, thank you!"

-But anyway...

-They celebrated your birthday.

They celeb... They brought a Mariachi band.

I was really moved. I came to work,

cos I had to work on my 50th birthday!

But when I arrived, bitch - I'm sorry - all...

SHE MUTTERS

Unhappy. "I have to work today, da-da, da-da."

Then of course I opened the car door and there's this Mariachi

and I cried - it was amazing.

They told me the producer, when Miguel proposed the Mariachi,

she said, "But is that politically correct? Cos she's Mexican.

"To bring a Mariachi... Is she going to think it's racist?"

So she was really nervous. So I made a joke at her

and said, "I need to talk to you." I said, "I got to say,

"I'm really grateful for the thought of doing something

"on my birthday, but really?

"A Mariachi?!

"Are we having tacos for lunch?"

She was nearly in tears.

I said, "I'm sorry, I find this a little racist, but..."

-Then I told her it was...

-GRAHAM CHUCKLES

Now, the last time you were here,

Nicole, we enjoyed some of your early modelling work

on the late, lamented Dolly Magazine.

Thank you, Graham.

No, beautiful, finely judged work. Er...

I was shocked that you found them.

-Don't worry - we're not showing them again.

-Oh, good.

There is others.

-There are some lovely pictures of Keith, as an...

-Oh!

..emerging bright star on the Australian music scene.

Here you are in Tamworth.

-Oh!

-That's cute!

-That is adorable.

-You know what's really criminal about that?

Actually, that was last Tuesday!

-What's criminal is how tight your jeans are.

-I know.

Yeah, the population of Tamworth's growing.

-That's not all.

-The elevation!

I wouldn't recognise you in that picture -

but then there's another picture.

I only know this is you because it says it's you.

This is Keith Urban.

I mean, check that out.

-That's unbelievable.

-Yeah, yeah.

My love!

In his yearbook it would have said,

"Boy least likely to marry Nicole Kidman."

Not until you see MY yearbook.

-We need yours.

-Huh?

We need Nic's picture next.

No, we've had Nicole in all her glory.

No more. Come on. Alan, Alan! We need Alan.

-OK, well, Alan.

-Uh-oh!

-No, it's in your book.

There has to be a story or an explanation to this.

Around the same time as Keith was wearing very tight jeans...

-Uh-oh. What was I wearing?

-..you were on a school trip to Germany...

-Ugh!

-..without jeans.

-The thing is...

-Was that just the look?

-We were all doing it in the '70s.

-What I love about this is,

-he's still a fan of a tidy sock.

-Good legs!

The thing is, a girl who was at school, was on that school trip,

sent it to me via Twitter and I was like, "Ah-ha-ha."

And then I thought, "Why DID I have no trousers on?"

I must have taken them off for a bet. I don't know.

But it's a good look.

You do seem very calm about it.

Kind of, "Yeah, I'm rocking a short jumper dress."

"I've got no trousers on. Deal with it."

I have this theory - most men have excellent legs.

-People say that.

-Yeah, right?

-It's not... I think...

What I think is interesting is that a lot of men have body parts...

Not body parts, but bits of their bodies that women desire.

Like slim hips, long eyelashes.

So I think women think that all men have better things

that they want than them. It's not true.

I've seen a lot of naked men - I know.

Thank you.

Every time Greg's here,

you tell us stories and I keep thinking, "Well, that's it now -

"he'll have told us the funny things that happened as a teacher" -

but it seems like a bottomless pit.

Like, school trips.

Cos school trips, seems like that's when all rules

go out the window, for pupils, everybody.

-And for teachers, I think.

-Yeah.

You've got to remember, when I first started teaching,

I was 21 years of age

and I was sent to Paris on a school trip, three of us,

all of us in our early 20s, in charge of a busload of kids.

I mean, it's frankly amoral.

-What did you get up to?

-Do you know...? It's awful.

I can say it now - I'm never going to go back to teaching now, right?

I think it's unlikely.

I got really drunk with two friends in a hotel room

when the kids were all in bed.

Like, really drunk.

We'd had a bottle of tequila between the three of us.

And then I heard kids running around...

It's so bad, isn't it?

Heard kids running around and I'm quite good

at pretending to be sober when I'm not, so I said,

"I'll go out and I'll deal with this,"

to my friend..."Tony"...

..who's still a teacher.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And...

I went out and there was these kids all in their nighties and pyjamas

all giggling and I went out, "What's going on here?"

And they're like, "Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry."

"You know you should be in your bed. This is absolutely disgraceful."

And I was doing a beautiful job when "Tony" came out of my room

and I don't know why, he was just in his boxer shorts...

..and a really big pair of boots.

And he started going like this - "You should be in bed!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I grabbed him by the face - I was so frightened -

I grabbed by him the face and just pushed him back into my room

and I closed my door. One of the kids went, "Is that Mr Stevens?"

And I went, "Yes. He's not feeling very well."

And they accepted it. That was it.

I heard that in the first movie, Prometheus,

there was a lot of outtakes, a lot of David stuff that didn't get in.

I mean there's probably lots of extra stuff.

I wanted to have David sort of dancing

on sort of the disco deck of the ship,

at the end, when the credits are rolling.

I thought it might be quite funny to do, like, a Napoleon Dynamite

sort of exit for the character.

But Ridley didn't go for it.

I still don't understand why.

But you learnt the dance, didn't you?

No.

I thought you did learn the dance.

No, I mean I've done the robot probably back in 1987,

when I was going through the break dance phase.

I love that you went through a break dance phase.

Oh, yeah, I love the fact that break dance made it to Fossa,

and there was a break dance club.

In Kerry? There was a break dance club in Kerry?

-For sure, yeah.

-What is break dance?

-Break dance?

-Yes.

-Oh...

I don't know, maybe you could show me because I don't know.

Do you guys know what break dance is?

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

I feel like if we all could try a break dance move...

Kevin, you definitely know break dancing.

-I have no idea how to break dance.

-I'll learn, if you want to teach it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What can you teach us? What have you got?

Break-dance-wise?

No. break dance is a lot.

-Could you do some robot?

-I might rip something if I try...

I was going to try a flick swan dive.

Oh, do you want to do some?

No, no, that would be very dangerous.

Yes, please! I don't even know what that is.

-I haven't done it in years.

-Let's try.

No, no, no, because he's not insured!

No, Jessica, this could be the end of the BBC.

If we break Michael Fassbender...

I could try a flick swan dive, I suppose.

-Yes!

-OK, go on, then. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you do it back here, there's enough room here.

-Better take this off.

-Clip this.

The microphone's already in the pocket.

-You don't need to hear sound effects as I'm going down.

-OK.

Because that's attached to here.

We'll take it out, we'll take it out

and we'll shove it in somewhere else.

Excuse me?!

-Hang on. Here we go.

-I can't believe I'm going to do a flick swan.

I can't believe you're going to do it either.

For the record, it's her. It's her!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you want some music? Do you want some music?

Sure.

Some music, I guess. Some music.

Yes!

CHEERING

OK. Do you want to wait for some music?

-Yeah, I'll wait.

-OK, here's some music.

MUSIC: Are "Friends" Electric? by Tubeway Army

OK.

-Gary Numan...

-Gary Nu...

-He was actually an influence...

Oh, OK.

We can't hear you now!

Where's your one?

Gary Numan, an influence for Walter the robot.

Here we go! Turn it up, turn it up, crank it up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Now Diane, Diane.

Come on, Diane!

-I think... Is it in episode one you talk about Mick Jagger?

-Oh, yeah.

-Is that a true story?

-Now, that's true.

Again, some of the stories are true. Now, this is a true story

that I was... This was about a Christmas and a bit ago.

I was at a party in a house, and he was there -

and I'd met him before at something, so he came over, and he's chatting,

and he's a remarkable man.

He's 73, but... I think I'm right in saying that.

He's as thin and wiry as anything. But he's got energy.

It's like in Cocoon, you know when that light goes "psh!"

He has energy emanating from him. It's remarkable!

And we talked, and it was all nice,

and my wife and I were leaving,

went down the stairs from the first floor.

As we were heading to the door, I heard, "Rob! Rob!"

And I looked around, "What, what?"

And he was on the landing, and he went,

"Don't throw those bloody spears at me."

I looked and I thought, "What?" And I said, "What?"

He went, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me. Aah!"

And I had no idea. I was thinking, "What is going on?

"Is he having a stroke?" He's in the age range, you know.

And then I realised, "Oh, he's doing Michael Caine in Zulu."

He's doing me from The Trip doing... So I realised, so I went...

-AS MICHAEL CAINE:

-"I've told you before.

"If you're not going to sing, I don't want to bloody know.

"Now, get back in the other room!"

And he went, "A-a-a-h!"

And he was gone. It's true.

And do you know there's this short cut

-to say your name as...the way the impression is?

-Yeah, yeah.

People say, you say, "My cocaine."

-Yeah.

-Like the drug but loud.

-Yeah.

-But I'll tell you a story about that.

-Oh, yes?

I was making a picture,

I was making a picture in the Philippines, and I'm in Manila,

and we were invited to this very, very posh, expensive house

to a party and I'm being introduced to people

and standing, getting a drink and all that,

and the hostess is standing over there and she's looking at me

rather nastily, considering that I'm a guest, you know?

And there was a moment when I was a bit free and she went...

So I went over to her and she said,

"Are you a drug dealer?"

I said, "No. Why do you ask?"

She said, "Why's everybody calling you 'my cocaine'?"

You know that story's true, cos you couldn't make it up.

Quite a lot of people at the party going, "Where's my cocaine?"

-"Over there."

-So I went over and they said, "Not you."

But now, John Boyega, you...

Man, why you always say my name like that?

-LAUGHTER

-Like, "What have I done now?"

No, this is good.

No, John... John got his Star Wars cash, and he...

I don't know where you hit, but you hit a shop, a wonderful shop...

-Yep.

-And you have bought some stuff.

So, you very kindly brought some pictures of some of the things

-you bought.

-Yeah, I did, I did.

-Your bed...

At the bottom of your bed, what have you got?

I've got some lions, sculptures of lions. Yeah.

-So, his bed is guarded...

-Oh! What?!

-LAUGHTER

Those are like trinkets compared to what else you've got. You bought...

But the reason why I bought that

is because I feel like my spirit animal is a lion.

-I just feel that.

-Mmm.

You know, I am African, I am...

-Yes!

-..everything...

-LAUGHTER

So that's why you bought the lions.

-Yes.

-Why did you buy the saxophone lamp?

-LAUGHTER

-Erm...

To be honest with you, there's no reason for that, man.

That was glorified nonsense.

I can't lie to you.

-Yeah.

-That is hilarious.

Now, I don't mean to criticise it.

I mean, I mean...I was in Australia and this dude just told me

that there's a saxophone with a light bulb with it.

-Yeah.

-And something in my brain said to me, "Buy."

-Yes.

-You need that.

-You need that.

-By the way, I made a lamp out of my father's clarinet.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh!

-Right?

-Cool. So you know how that was made.

-I had no idea how to put it together.

-Well, there's a...

We have a thing.

It has something to do with something that we share.

-You're like a lion.

-I like... I'm like a lion...

Kind of. Yeah, I could do that. But how about that?

-You have a saxophone lamp and I have a clarinet lamp.

-Yeah.

Goldie, can I just ask you,

do you have a more attractive bulb in yours?

-Well...

-That is an ugly-ass bulb, John.

That is an economy light-saving one.

It's environmentally friendly.

-It's environmentally friendly.

-Yeah, yeah.

I would find a little clip-on shade, maybe, or something that just...

-Here's the exciting thing.

-Have you ever put it on?

You're in John's house and you want to go to the loo,

so you've seen the lions, you're excited,

-the saxophone lamp is brilliant...

-Give it to them.

-You get into the loo...

-OK.

-..you sit down...

-Uh-huh.

-..you do your business,

you need a little bit of toilet paper.

In John's house, this is who gives it to you.

Boom.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is amazing.

I love that.

-You're jealous, aren't you? You're all jealous.

-I'm so jealous.

I'm imagining going over there, as a girl, you know,

you hook up and you go to the bathroom,

you're like, "That's a red flag."

That's a red flag!

I suppose, with your kids, you could spoil them,

but you have to try and be strict with them?

Yeah, it's tough, like, because, you know, as you're doing all right,

you want to give them the life that you didn't have,

but you have to be strict,

because you don't want to turn them into children

that you hated when you were a child.

-Mmm.

-Yeah.

-You know what I mean? You don't want them to be those kids.

So, it's tough. I remember taking my daughter to get new school shoes.

I took all five... I don't know if you've done this, Guy,

when you have taken all of them out just by yourself, like an idiot.

Took 'em all out. We've gone to buy new school shoes,

and it's a dead busy day in the department store,

and most of them have been fine,

and then just one daughter is just kicking off, going for it.

You've not got the skills that your parents had, cos, you know,

laws have changed...and, er...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So you've got to, like, find other ways.

You've got to talk to them

like a children's TV presenter, haven't you?

-Get down on their level.

-"What seems to be the problem?"

You get a bit closer - "When you get home, you are dead!"

You have to do it so nobody sees you!

So she was being a nightmare and I just couldn't wrangle her,

I just couldn't work it out. And, er...

in the end, I had to do that thing that parents do sometimes,

where you go overboard with the punishment.

So, when they're not eating their dinner, you're like,

"Right, then, you'll never eat again!"

"Aw! Can't back that up!"

And I did it to my daughter. She was like, "I want these..."

She was being spoilt. And I said, "Right, then, you'll have NO shoes!"

So I got shoes for the other kids,

so I've got these four pairs of shoes and none for her.

Very rare that I stand by a punishment.

Even when I send them upstairs,

they're halfway down before they've got there.

So, I'm in this queue and my daughter's gone from being naughty

to turning the waterworks on.

And, of course, it's a new crowd around her.

So these people just think she's like Cinderella,

not getting any shoes. "No shoes for you!"

And she goes...

And then she said the worst thing, and, as parents, you'll feel this.

It's the worst thing that anyone can say to you,

one of your children. She said, "Daddy." And I went, "What?"

She said...

There's all these people looking. She just went, "Daddy...

"Why do you make the rest of the world laugh, but you make me cry?"

"Oh, you got me good!"

She got three pairs of shoes that day!

The other thing chimpanzees do,

of course, is a thing called pant-hooting, which is...

HE HOOTS

HE PANTS

APPLAUSE

When do chimps do that?

When they're very excited.

Is that a happy thing or a sad thing?

It's a kind of territorial thing -

and it's quite scary. It's defending territory.

-OK.

-I feel like I've heard that sound, yeah.

-Do you watch...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

I'm sure you have, Sienna!

What are you talking about? Yeah.

Well, look, the thing is, it is a sofa of actors. So, Andy...

Andy, are there any... I wouldn't say tricks,

but are there any short cuts into playing a great ape?

A great ape. Well...

Well, quadrupedding is a large part of it, OK?

So quadrupedding is walking on all fours,

and I happen to have with me some...

Some arm extensions, which we could all have a go with.

-Oh, right!

-And these, in fact, are how we quadruped.

So we can all have a go, and I think we should.

-Would you like to have a go?

-No. Not yet.

LAUGHTER

Let me just show you.

Look, and it has motion capture dots on it already. So we can shoot.

So anyway, let me just...

Is this a good place to stand?

-Yeah, or...

-This is wicked!

-Wherever you want to go.

-OK.

So, first of all, if you're going to get into being an ape,

like if you're a silverback gorilla,

-then you tend to have your backside sticking out.

-Wow!

If you're a chimpanzee, then you're tucked in like this.

-So you can choose between a gorilla or a chimpanzee.

-Yes.

-Whichever you'd like.

-Options, I love options.

-And then you start to walk...

-Oh, look at that!

-Whoa!

-Like that...

APPLAUSE

..and then...then you can learn to kind of accelerate -

and we're all going to do this, so...

So then you can learn to accelerate.

I've got very slippery shoes on, but...

-Like that. So...

-Whoa!

That's very impressive.

Get Tom. Tom's young. Go on, Tom.

-A fellow method actor.

-This is for a role in the next film.

You're welcome, guys.

You're going to be so good at this. You're going to be so good at this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You'll be fine.

-You're going to shine.

Good luck.

I'm glad I wore such tight trousers today!

How do you beat your chest with these things?

-It's a tough one.

-So, hang on...

Gorilla is the arched back.

Oh, look at that, look at that!

Oh, oh, look at him! Oh!

I've gone Spider-Man all of a sudden.

No, that's very Spider-Man.

And what did you say, chimpanzee? What was it?

-You've got to tuck in.

-Tuck in with your...

-Tuck in and bend over. There you go.

-SIENNA:

-Oh, my God!

Do a wolf as a chimp.

HE HOWLS

APPLAUSE

Very good. It was... It was excellent. Beautiful, beautiful.

Warren, so many things have been written about you,

so many "facts" -

interesting facts, that we don't examine -

-have been thrown out.

-Mm-hm.

I know you don't like talking about this,

so I'm just going to read them out,

and we'll just try and read your expression...

-Uh-huh.

-..to see if you're confirming or denying them.

-MIRANDA:

-This is a fun game!

It's sort of a Psychic Sal.

-I mean, feel free, if you want to...

-Feel free.

-..confirm or deny them.

-Yeah.

-OK, here we go.

You used to wash your hair every day

with a six-pack of beer.

-Any truth...?

-No.

-Oh, he's denying that. OK.

That was my one!

-Yes?

-Yeah, I did that all the time.

-Uh-huh?

-That was cider.

No-one has that much hair - one can would do you.

-A six-pack seems excessive.

-I would think, yeah.

You and Jack Nicholson had your own secret passageway

into the Playboy Mansion.

-No...

-Is that true?

Well, I think the story was printed

that there was a tunnel going from Jack's house,

which is near my house, all the way over to Hefner's house,

which would probably have cost in the neighbourhood of 1 billion.

-So, no, that is not true.

-OK.

You Photoshopped the Heaven Can Wait poster

to make your crotch look larger.

No.

Just asking. Just asking!

Did you mean the crotch?

-The crotch?

-The crotch, that bit.

That's... You mean the hips? What are you talking about?

I would say that area.

Sort of in-between that hip and that hip,

below your belly button

and before the space between your legs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You didn't?

-No.

I like how specific you were.

I thought you were speaking about what is IN the crotch.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, I don't know, did you do THAT?

-No.

-You never touched your crotch.

I never touched the crotch.

Now, this is the famous one.

Carly Simon wrote the song You're So Vain about you.

-How would I know?

-Didn't she...?

Has she said?

I don't know.

-OK.

-I don't know, I don't know.

-OK.

And the famous one that's been...

I don't know who did this.

I like that someone studied maths

and this is what they used their mathematics degree for -

they calculated that you've bedded 13,000 women.

Oh, he's just leaving that one!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No. That...

That was a very busy month.

But I have...

I don't know why you brought this up, but I did hear you discuss,

you had an extraordinary disagreement

with your wife about yourself.

-Do you know what I'm talking about?

-By myself you mean...?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Ooh.

Er...

-Yes.

-Listen, do you know this story?

-I do not know this story.

-Listen with interest.

-Well...

One night, as you do, we were talking about stuff and...

..and I just happened to mention...

and of course, being circumcised, I said...

They were chatting. They're married! They're married, they're allowed.

..and she said...

She said, "You're not circumcised."

I said, "What do you mean? "You've only known me a few..."

All my life, I remember my mother telling me why,

because it was fashionable at the time.

She said, "You're not circumcised." I said, "That's ridiculous!

"I should know if I'm circumcised. Of course I am.

"End of conversation."

But the next day, I happened to be seeing my doctor for...

Are you OK?

-I was seeing my doctor for my annual physical.

-Of course.

So, while he was down there...

LAUGHTER

-I said...

-"Excuse me, Doctor."

-"Oh, by the way, Irv,

"my wife and I had a little disagreement.

"I am circumcised, aren't I? Because she says I'm not."

And he goes...

"Not."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I said, "No, no, it's not possible!"

So he looked down again and he said,

"Hey, I'm Jewish, I know the difference."

-That is a bizarre story.

-Too much information.

I have grandchildren!

You're going to have to change your Facebook status now.

Oh, yes, no more Beef Stew.

Well, there's MORE Beef Stew.

But you've had the common problem of frisky horses, haven't you?

There are different kinds of thoroughbred stallions.

There are those that have been, um...

-I don't know the technical term.

-Gelded.

-Gelded, thank you.

I didn't want to say "castrated". Gelded.

-They do not have their testicles.

-We've got it!

We're all up to speed.

We got castrated, gelded - we're on it.

If people aren't following the story now...

I'm trying to use the best, sort of, PG words.

Science words.

So if they have not been gelded,

they're extremely sensitive to the smells of other horses.

Actually, male horses or female horses,

they don't care, they smell horse and they get, basically, just...

really enormous erections.

Which, in a 19th-century film, is just not appropriate!

You feel like someone should mention it.

-Yes.

-People just chatting on.

But actually, Camilla had a couple of ways of making it go away -

but the one that's more mentionable would be...

She got Vicks, you know,

you put on your chest when you've got a cold.

She put it inside the horse's nostrils.

For the smell.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

For the scent.

-Nowhere painful.

-They had to do that to me, as well.

I want to know the method you can't mention!

It was just...

-The science.

-It was just to...

-Get it done.

-..kick it, until...

Sounds like a party game - kick the cock!

"Come on, kids!"

A professional technique to get rid of a horse's erection

is to kick it in the dick?!

And in terms of physical challenges, Zac,

I was flicking through a magazine, and I happened upon...

I happened upon a photograph of Zac

where Zac was casually walking down the street with no shirt on

and I thought he must have got tired,

and he was leaning against a parking meter.

I think we've got the picture here.

That was a photo shoot. What are you talking about?

-I thought it was a paparazzi shot.

-You're trying to be...

Is that at the airport?

-It was Cool Hand Luke trying to take the parking meter off.

-Yeah.

Are you really doing that or are there wires?

-No, he's doing it.

-Oh, no, yeah, that's...

He's doing it.

Not that I'm calling you a liar, but there is a pole right over there.

CHEERING

What?!

It's right there. Check behind you - there's a pole.

It's right there.

-That pole.

-I didn't see it.

-That pole.

-That pole.

-You want me to do the...?

-Yes, can you?

-Er, yeah. Sure.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Really? Now... Now I feel bad.

-You CAN do this, right?

-You tested this thing, right?

-It's solid. It's been tested...

-This has been used...

By who?

We're not sure of her name, but...

LAUGHTER

-Dang! Er...

-Do you want some music?

-Er...

-How about some music?

MUSIC: Low by Flo Rida featuring T Pain

Now I have to wait for the beat?

Here we go, here we go. He's going to do it, he's going to do it.

Oh! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That is... That's better than in the photo shoot!

Even better than the photo shoot.

Zac Efron, everybody! Well done!

-Nicely done.

-That's impressive. Come and sit down.

-Thank you.

-Wow!

And talking of hit movies, Shawshank Redemption,

-obviously...

-Oh, great movie.

-..one of your most... Yes.

Everyone loves that movie. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that's one of those movies -

anyone puts their, you know, best films of all time list together,

-it's always on there.

-It's always on there.

It's always on there and yet that film has never been a hit.

Tanked at the box office -

and the reason for that is, of course,

is that the only real marketing movies get, I think,

is word of mouth.

You can promote it all you want,

but if the first few audiences go there and come back

and can't say, "I really saw this great film,"

then you're not going to go very far.

So people went to see The Shawshank Redemption

and then they came back,

"Oh, man, I saw this really terrific movie.

"It's called the, erm...

"Er...

"Shanksham?

"Shimshark?"

One lady saw me in the elevator one time and she said,

"Oh, I saw you in The Hudsucker Production!"

So, if you can't get word across, then it just doesn't do well.

-Yeah.

-If you can't say it...

-That's why Alfie did well!

Yeah. Boom - we got it.

Is that the film that turned you into sort of Mr Narration?

Yeah, that was it.

Because it's so special, that narration.

Now, we have got a little kind of Shawshank mashup.

So, would you mind lending your voice to it?

-Ah, go on. Ah, go on.

-OK.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING There you go.

MUSIC PLAYS

I must admit, I didn't think much of Graham Norton

the first time I laid eyes on him.

It looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over.

That was my first impression of the man.

I could see why some people took him for annoying.

He had a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here.

And boy, did he drink.

He drank like a man without a care or a worry in the world.

I hope to finish this talk show one day.

I hope Michael stops talking for just one second.

I hope people stop asking me to do stupid voice-overs like this.

I hope.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Very good. Morgan Freeman.

Very good. Thank you very much for doing that.

Fantastic!

Listen, very quickly, it is Oscars weekend this weekend -

and, Ian, would you mind telling us the story

about when you were nominated for Gandalf...?

-Oh, yes.

-And you had the beads, yes.

Aw!

Well, they weren't beads.

In New Zealand, where we filmed Lord Of The Rings...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you're lucky, when you leave, you're given a piece of green stone,

carved, and you wear it often enough and your chances are

that you'll get back to New Zealand. That's the idea.

And it'll bring you a bit of luck.

So, when those films were nominated for something like 20 Oscars

on that night, everybody from New Zealand

was wearing their greenstone, their pounamu, they're called.

And when we're on the red carpet, going in to the ceremony,

I met Maggie Smith.

-AS MAGGIE:

-Hello, what are you here for?

LAUGHTER

I said, "Well, Lord Of The Rings."

"Oh, yes," she said. "What's that round your neck?"

I said, "It's my pounamu, Maggie."

"Oh, your pounamu. What's that for?"

I said, "Well, if I wear it, it'll bring me luck."

"Oh, very nice."

And we went our separate ways and it lasts for three and a half

-or four hours. You know, don't you?

-Oh, yeah.

God, you sit there and sit there.

And at the end, of course, everyone else wins the Oscar apart from you.

And a bit dejected, you're coming out,

looking forward to a drink and you bump into Maggie Smith

and she points at you and she says, "Didn't work, did it?"

I tell you, all of you, Anthony's going to give us some tips,

I would say, on boxing.

We've got a very, very, very hi-tech piece of equipment over here.

So if you'd like to come with me... It's over here.

APPLAUSE

We've been playing with this all afternoon.

I love this thing. I'll just turn it on.

Hang on. It's on. Now... Oh.

OK, there we go. So, I hit that.

OK - ooh!

-MACHINE:

-Come on!

It didn't talk this afternoon!

What's happened to it? Shut up!

Just hit it! Just hit it!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Oh, no, you look serious.

He's really going for it. CHEERING

OK.

Do you have any tips?

Cos you're in high heels...

-Shall I take them off?

-No, no, chill.

We're taking this very seriously, ladies and gentlemen.

He's talking to me.

No run-ups.

If you want to take them off... Whatever you feel comfortable with.

I wasn't even thinking about run-ups.

-Any other advice?

-Are you left or right-handed?

-Right.

-So, you know, right leg back so you really get the whole...

Right leg back. And the aim is just to hit it so it goes away?

You go boom, and it goes back up.

-OK.

-Have you had a go, Graham?

-Honestly, mine was so bad.

Let's see what Rachel gets, then I'll decide if I'm going to do it.

-You get a score!

-Yeah.

-You get a score.

-So left leg forward.

-Are you in range, though?

-I don't know. Shall I find out?

-Come forward a bit.

-Cos your aim is to punch through the bag.

-Through.

-So I want to go like that.

-Yes, I like that.

Just hit it in the middle?

Oh!

CHEERING

182!

Who's going next?

-Do you want to go next?

-Yeah.

-OK, here we go, here we go.

We have 182. 182 to beat. 182.

Here we go, here we go.

There's a terrible thing where you don't care and then you do.

Can't I just have a stare down with him?

And it's who laughs first loses.

Right. Um. OK.

Oh!

CHEERING Oh! Wow!

Blimey. 594.

It's 594.

I slipped!

594 to beat.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Oh!

CHEERING

Oh!

OK.

-Anthony Joshua.

-Are you on?

-No...

CHEERING

OK, OK.

CHEERING

I've gotta do this, here we go, here we go.

I'm still going.

OK, there you go. What was yours?

I think it was 3,000?

672, was it?

-672.

-632. So if you don't beat that, you've lost the title.

If you don't beat me...

I mean, look at this.

LAUGHTER

OK, OK, here we go, here we go.

-Same technique as you.

-The world champion.

Oh!

CHEERING

Well done! 848! Excellent.

Off you go with your story, Valerio.

OK, so I am here tonight to surprise my beautiful wife Alma.

-Alma?

-Yeah, she's actually in the audience tonight.

-Oh, where's Alma?

Are you sure? She may have left... Oh, no, there she is.

-She's over there.

-That's the surprise.

Yeah, surprise, she's gone!

No, your beautiful wife Alma is still here. Off you go, Valerio.

-Is this a nice surprise?

-Yes, of course.

-OK.

-She's pregnant with our first baby.

-Oh!

-We don't know yet the gender of the baby...

-Oh, yes.

..because I really want to wait until the baby is born.

-Of course, Valerio.

-But she really wants to know as soon as possible.

-Oh, yes.

-So the doctor wrote...

-on this piece of paper...

-Oh!

-..the gender of the baby.

And I said to her, "We will open on a special occasion."

-Oh, yes.

-So, because she loves you and your show,

-I believe that tonight is the best occasion.

-Oh, yes!

-Brilliant.

-May I open?

-Yes, do.

-Don't you dare pull that lever!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We'll get him back! We'll get him back. No, wait, we'll get him back.

We'll get him back!

We'll get him back, we'll get him back, we'll get him back.

OK, get Valerio back. Get Valerio back.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Valerio.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

OK, this is it. Wait, wait, wait. Here we go.

-So, Alma... Alma?

-Are you ready?

It'll be a boy or a girl.

-JACK WHITEHALL:

-And if it's a boy, you're calling it Wayne!

-Here we go, here we go.

-The baby...

is a girl!

Well done, Valerio! You can walk, you can walk.

-Amazing!

-Awww!

Congratulations, Alma! A little baby girl!