Episode 1 The Graham Norton Show

-My name is Michael Caine.

-And I'm Morgan Freeman.

BOTH: Welcome to The Graham Norton Show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh!

Oh! Hello!

Hello! Hello! Hi. Hi.

Welcome. Yes, we're back, ladies and gentlemen,

back on the telly.

I'll tell you, I'm more excited than Nigel Farage

under a blanket on a long-haul flight.

Did you see that? Did you see it?

It's so unlikely.

Nigel Farage has denied getting off with a porn star on a plane.

Yeah, I mean, come on.

Come on, it's not very likely.

Apparently the flight attendant said he touched the woman here,

here, here and the exit at the back.

A lot has been happening while we've been away.

Article 50 was triggered and Brexit is happening.

Er... LAUGHTER

It's really gaining momentum.

That's Theresa May writing the letter to the EU.

Yeah, to which the EU responded,

"Who dis?"

The...

The Brexit discussions are going very well.

I mean, four days in we were already talking about

going to war with Spain but you know!

All about Gibraltar, isn't it?

We're basically having an argument over a piece of rock.

It's like a hen night in Blackpool.

But it's the principle, isn't it? It's the principle -

it may just be a big rock with monkeys on it

but it's OUR big rock with monkeys on it.

And we stole it fair and square.

Nicola Sturgeon. Ooh, Nicola!

She called for a second independence referendum.

This is Nicola writing the letter to Theresa May.

And this is Theresa May receiving it.

SHREDDER WHIRS

APPLAUSE

Let's get some guests on!

Later, we'll be meeting comedian Jack Whitehall

and Game Of Thrones star Gemma Whelan.

They're in the new adaptation of Decline And Fall

and we'll have music and chat from the mighty Take That.

CHEERING Yeah!

But my first guests are appearing together in the new movie

Going In Style.

One is the Oscar-winning star of Driving Miss Daisy,

Unforgiven, Bruce Almighty and The Shawshank Redemption.

The other is one of Britain's greatest screen actors,

the star of Alfie, The Italian Job Hannah And Her Sisters

and the Dark Knight trilogy.

Please welcome Morgan Freeman and Sir Michael Caine!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come in.

-Have a seat here.

-Thank you.

Look at that. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh!

-Feel the love.

-Yeah.

-Feel the love.

-Yeah.

Wonderful. Hiya.

Very nice to have you. Neither of you have been on the show before.

In fact, Morgan, am I right?

Have you ever been on a British chat show before?

-Yeah, you've been on here.

-I've been on here?

-I think you've been on here, yeah.

-Not with Graham.

-No, I'd remember that.

-Yeah.

Well, maybe not, I don't know, it's all a blur.

-I would remember.

-You would, you'd remember.

Yeah, you certainly wouldn't have come back so... Yeah.

Don't be telling people how well you know me, then.

So, you're busy, but this is the end, you were saying,

-of your global...

-Yeah, we've been in New York publicising this.

There's a premiere here and New York tomorrow.

-And New York?

-Yeah.

-That's clever.

-Yeah.

-But you're not going to both of them?

-No.

-No.

-Are you going to either of them?

-No.

-Oh, I see.

-Not premiering, no, it's already premiered.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, I see.

-It's opening, opening.

-It opens, it opens.

No, we can't go... They open in 1,200 cinemas.

Yeah, I mean... I mean, you like the film but not that much.

Yeah, I know. I've seen it three times.

And, you know, I don't laugh as much as I did the first time.

Well, we'll talk about the movie in a bit.

I must say, though, I've had a very busy week.

What have you been doing?

Oh, you know, just celebrating.

-Oh, wait a minute!

-Oh.

-I've got something for you.

-Really, Michael?

-Yeah.

I'll get this out.

It was your birthday on Tuesday, wasn't it?

Oh, Michael, you shouldn't have. Oh, I'm embarrassed now.

Give it to me. APPLAUSE

It's beautiful. Thank you so much.

-Aw.

-Aw.

-It's a lovely card with a picture of Michael on the front.

Now, this is one of the talking cards, isn't it?

-Yeah, open it.

-OK, let's have a listen, let's have a listen.

-CARD AS MICHAEL CAINE:

-'Now, listen, it's your birthday

'and not a lot of people know that.

'But here's your card. And remember,

'you're only supposed to blow the candles out!'

APPLAUSE That sounds really good to me.

-Is that a good one?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a good impression.

But the best impression of my voice I've heard is Tom Hanks.

-Really?

-He did it on The Late Show in New York, yeah, I saw him.

I was surprised.

Well, I know Tom Hanks and he never done it for me.

And do you know there's this short cut

-to say your name as...the way the impression is?

-Yeah, yeah.

People say, you say, "My cocaine."

-Yeah.

-Like the drug but loud.

-Yeah.

-But I'll tell you a story about that.

-Oh, yes?

I was waiting on a picture,

I was waiting on a picture in the Philippines and I'm in Manila

and we were invited to this very, very posh, expensive house

to a party and I'm being introduced to people

and standing, getting a drink and all that

and the hostess is standing over there and she's looking at me

rather nastily, considering that I'm a guest, you know.

And there was a moment when I was a bit free and she went...

So I went over to her and she said,

"Are you a drug dealer?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She said, "Why's everybody calling you 'my cocaine'?"

You know that story's true cos you couldn't make it up.

Quite a lot of people at the party going, "Where's my cocaine?"

-"He's over there."

-So I went over and they said, "Not you."

Well, listen, the movie, the movie.

-Going In Style - it opens tonight...

-Yeah.

-..cos it's Friday now.

-Is it Friday?

-Yeah, it's Friday now.

-Oh, I see.

-Told you.

-No, I was just going to correct him.

-Yeah.

-Friday.

-Yeah, it is Friday, isn't it?

-Yes, it is. Yeah, yeah.

-Thank God! Thank God it's Friday.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

We don't have to get up in the morning.

-No, lovely. A lie-in.

-Have a lie-in.

-Yeah.

The movie - it's a kind of classic comedy caper.

It's the two of you and Alan Arkin.

So, tell us about it. Who do you play?

What's it about?

You start, go on.

OK, I play a guy named Willie.

I play a guy named Joe. He's very helpful.

-He is really helpful. I want to see it now.

-Yeah.

We say that in the movie, you know, you'd be surprised.

No, it's... What it is is a comedy about three old men

who fall on hard times through different social reasons

and they decide...

In my case, they take away my mortgage

and then the firm we work for closes and goes abroad

and we all lose our pension.

So we decide to rob the bank of exactly the amount of money

we've lost.

Which is what we do and then we get a bit over

-and we give it away to charity.

-AUDIENCE MURMUR

-Yeah. But I disagree.

-They're there!

-He's going to disagree, listen.

-Yeah, it isn't a comedy.

Don't go to this movie, if you haven't been already,

no, don't go thinking it's a comedy. It's not a comedy.

Michael, this is not a comedy, I keep telling you.

-Not a comedy.

-Let me put it this way -

it's a very funny drama.

-Is that better?

-LAUGHTER

Almost.

All right. Well, we have a clip. This is a...

This is an amusing dramatic clip...

where you've been practising your crime skills in a supermarket

and this is the two of you making your getaway.

-The escape, yeah.

-Yeah.

Willie. Al's gone.

I've got a new getaway car.

-Where the hell did you get that thing?

-I stole it.

Jump in the basket.

Who the hell do you think I am - ET?

Willie, jump in the bloody basket!

I'm not getting in no bloody basket!

She's gaining on us.

Flour, flour, give me the flour.

Halt!

Halt!

SHE COUGHS

I think we can make the light.

No, no, no, you're not going to make the light, Joe.

-You're not going to make the light!

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Hey!

-No, Joe, you can't make the light.

-We can make the light!

-We're going to die!

-You're not going to make the light!

-We are!

THEY SCREAM

Ooh! APPLAUSE

Remember what he said - it's a drama.

-That was very dramatic at the end.

-With funny moments.

-Yeah...

But it is a big crowd-pleasing film.

And what's interesting about it is, you know,

you're the criminals but you're the good guys.

-I mean, we're rooting for you.

-Well, no, wait a minute, Graham.

He's in a mood this evening.

-We're the good guys.

-Yes.

-Not criminals.

-Not lowlifes. Remember lowlifes?

-Yeah, yeah. I remember them.

-I grew up with them.

-We're guys down on our luck

who take desperate measures.

-And the banks are the baddies in this, which...

-See? Yes.

-Yes.

-They're the baddies.

-We're on the same page - great.

-OK.

-Yeah.

Yeah, the banks are the baddies, yes.

Because there was a time, and I think... Is this right -

the end of The Italian Job was because the sensors at the time

wouldn't allow the criminals to get away with it?

Yeah, that's the thing. We looked like we were getting away with it

and we had to end it like that, we had to cut off the end

because we were going to topple the car over

and then collect the stuff at the end at the bottom of the cliff,

but we had to stop it because we would've got away with the stuff.

But there was a very thick morality then about every bloody thing.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-But people...

Remember when we were growing up, crime didn't pay?

No. Crime didn't pay.

Now ONLY crime pays.

True.

There's an awful truth to that.

I only said it as a joke, but it's not, is it?

Yeah, it kind of is true.

And also I was saying to you backstage what's great is

to see you guys playing, you know, leading men...

-Yeah.

-..in a movie and it's about the three of you.

Yeah, we're usually Grandpa and all that, you know, in a funny hat.

-Yeah.

-What I didn't understand with you, Morgan, is that,

I mean, you started late but then you were also playing

-older people, you know, early on cos...

-Yes.

..like, on stage, when you got the chauffeur for Driving Miss Daisy

in the play, what were you, late 40s or something then?

I was...

Yeah, I was in my late 40s, uh-huh.

-Playing old is not that difficult, you just...

-No.

But now, I heard a thing where your acting teacher -

-I think his name was Mark Gordon.

-Mark Gordon, yeah.

-He gave you very specific advice about how to walk old.

-Yeah.

Yeah. The first thing he told us, that we learnt was,

never cross the stage in an unbroken moment,

in an unbroken movement, and next he said,

"In order to play an old man, you have to imagine that your testicles

"are made out of glass balls."

Just in performance.

I've never heard this story.

You never told me this one.

-There's more.

-Go on, go on.

And so that's sort of, you know, the way I go about it, you know,

playing an old man, just walk carefully.

I'll watch the movie again with interest.

Did you see him come on?

-I'll watch it back.

-Watch him walk off.

Yeah, I will. LAUGHTER

I'll hear the bells.

-Yeah, you'll think it sounds like a cocktail bar!

-Yeah.

Is that ice?

We must briefly talk about Alfie,

cos Alfie was obviously a very important film for you.

-That was a very important film.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

When you watch it, it's such a British film

-and yet it was a success globally, wasn't it?

-Yeah, everywhere.

Everywhere except France -

it wasn't a success.

I had a best friend who was a Frenchman and I said to him,

I said, "Alfie was a success all over the world."

I said, "I was nominated for an Academy Awards," I said,

"And it was a disaster in France." I said, "Why's that?"

He said, "Well, we couldn't believe that an Englishman

"could make love to ten women."

I said, "There were 11!"

And two of them were French!

Yeah, twisting the knife!

And talking of hit movies, Shawshank Redemption,

-obviously...

-Oh, great film.

-..one of your most... Yes.

Everyone loves that movie. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that's one of those movies -

anyone puts their, you know, best films of all time list together,

-it's always on there.

-Yeah, it's always on there.

It's always on there and yet that film has never been a hit.

Tanked at the box office.

And the reason for that is, of course, is that

the only real marketing movies get, I think, is word of mouth.

You can promote it all you want,

but if the first few audiences go there and come back

and can't say, "I really saw this great film,"

then you're not going to go very far.

So people went to see The Shawshank Redemption

and then they came back,

"Oh, man, I saw this really terrific movie.

"It's called the, erm...

"Er...

"Shanksham?

"Shimshark?"

One lady saw me in the elevator one time and she said,

"Oh, I saw you in The Hudsucker Production!"

APPLAUSE

So, if you can't get word across, then it just doesn't do well.

-Yeah.

-If you can't say it...

-That's why Alfie did well!

Yeah. Boom - we got it.

Is that the film that turned you into sort of Mr Narration?

Yeah, that was it.

Because it's so special, that narration.

Now, we have got a little kind of Shawshank mashup.

So would you mind lending your voice to it?

-Ah, go on. Ah, go on.

-OK.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING There you go.

I must admit, I didn't think much of Graham Norton

the first time I laid eyes on him.

It looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over.

That was my first impression of the man.

I could see why some people took him for annoying.

He had a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here.

And boy, did he drink.

He drank like a man without a care or a worry in the world.

I hope to finish this talk show one day.

I hope Michael stops talking for just one second.

I hope people stop asking me to do stupid voice-overs like this.

I hope.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Very good. Morgan Freeman.

Very good. Thank you very much for doing that.

Right. It's time to meet our next guests tonight.

Michael, are you feeling a little left out

-in the reading aloud stakes?

-Yeah, I am. Yeah.

-Yeah, good.

So, would you...?

If you look down there, you can introduce the next guests.

Right, my next guests are the stars of the new BBC comedy drama

Decline And Fall.

He is one of the UK's top comedians,

and she is one of the stars of a Game Of Thrones -

not a lot of people know that!

Please welcome Jack Whitehall and Gemma Whelan.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You stay there. Stay there. They'll move down there.

Hello. Lovely to see you all.

Hi. Lovely to see you.

There you go.

Michael, lovely to meet you.

-Hi, Morgan.

-Now...

-Lovely to meet you.

-And you.

-Welcome both... JACK:

-Hello.

-..Jack and Gemma. Here you all are.

-Now, Morgan...

-Oh!

-He said I could touch him.

-OK.

-MICHAEL:

-What's going on up there?

-Nothing.

Nothing.

Yeah.

I turn my back for one minute, a girl comes, you know...

I'm going to watch the monitor.

Morgan's scrunched down the couch instead of...

-Yeah, he moved further away, look.

-He's gone further away.

Go ahead. Blame me.

Have we got another guest?

-No, no.

-OK.

-We might do.

-So, you're very welcome, both of you.

-Thank you.

Congratulations on the success of Decline And Fall.

-But I have to say, Morgan Freeman...

-Yes.

I don't know if you're familiar but you are in a film

-with Jack Whitehall.

-Huh?

-Aren't you? JACK:

-I made a very big impression.

-No, you haven't done scenes.

-No, that's so unfair...

-No, you haven't done scenes together.

-..cos we were filming

at a completely different time. The Nutcracker.

-The Nutcracker.

-See? See?

-You set me up.

-He did! He did!

-Pleasure. Pleasure to meet you.

-Yeah.

We did that but we filmed at different times cos...

Yeah, I was only working with the little girl and some extras.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I did a lot of scenes with the little girl -

-she was amazing.

-Yeah.

-Although I had to do it with her on a horse.

-On a horse?

-Were you her Prince Charming?

-Yeah, she's on horseback.

-Yeah, I play one of the princes.

-Yeah.

And so I was stood there and she's on this horse

and it was my first big scene and I was so nervous,

my close-up and I'm doing a scene with her and all of a sudden,

the horse just opens its bowels.

I mean, and the arse, the horse's arse, is right there

and I'm doing it and I'm carrying on with the scene

and no-one else stops, so I'm like, "Oh, we just carry on, do we?"

And I'm doing it and I'm thinking...

And eventually I had to stop cos it wasn't just like a few pellets,

this was like an avalanche.

I go, "I'm so sorry. I can't,

"I just can't carry on with it doing that."

The poor horse had been holding that for...

It'd been holding it in, yeah!

And then everyone looked at me and they were like, "Oh, come on."

We were up against the clock.

I was like, "I don't want to be prissy about this."

I'm fine if someone improvises or changes a line in a scene -

I will roll with that - but if anything shits in front of me,

I'm taking a time out.

Are you supposed to keep going? No, you're supposed to stop.

No. Er...

-MICHAEL:

-He stopped.

-Actually, they're going to cut that scene.

-Hm?

They're going to cut that scene.

They're going to cut it, they're not going to use it.

I can't understand. I've grown up watching Westerns.

You never see a horse dump anything,

you never see anything on the streets in these little towns,

horses lined up all along the street,

nothing on the ground.

-How did they do that?

-How do they do that?

-I know what they do.

-JACK:

-They wait for me.

-No, cos, Gemma, in Game Of Thrones...

-Yes.

..you do a lot of horse acting.

Oh...

SHE WHINNIES

Yes, I do. Erm...

APPLAUSE That was very good.

-Good.

-Er...

-I'm an all-right horsewoman. They taught me to ride a horse.

-OK.

But we did have a scene where it was a very, very farty horse

and it wouldn't go,

whatever the technical term for making a horse go.

You do a little squeeze with the thighs.

Yeah, but it wouldn't... With a kick it wouldn't go.

But anyway, "pfft, pfft" all the way up while

Alfie and I were doing our lines and it's a scene where we get quite...

-Oh, is it that scene...

-Yeah.

-..where Alfie...?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

And that was one of my audition scenes, which was quite interesting.

But, no... But hang on.

But I thought that the audition scene was the other way round.

Yes, it was the other way round.

So in the actual scene, it was Alfie...

working away on me but in the audition...

My mother's watching. "Working away."

She'll ask me what that means.

Has your mother not watched Game Of Thrones?

-She has, she has.

-I bet she knows.

-She has.

-Some things she doesn't ask about.

-See?

If anyone tunes in and hears you talking about Alfie

working away on you, it might be quite strange...

APPLAUSE

-MICHAEL:

-I don't remember being in this show.

But in the original script, it was that my character...

It said Yara, my character, is worrying his cock.

-Worrying?

-Yeah.

"Did you leave the hob on?"

Sorry, Morgan.

-We established our relationship.

-I think we did really early on.

-That's some sort of bucket list, Gemma.

-Yeah.

-"And then I said to Morgan Freeman..."

-I mean, I can die,

I can die.

But she is worrying... And I obviously sort of understood that

to be, you know, working away back there but anyway, thank...

And I had to do that in my audition on a chair,

sort of looking straight ahead very, very dramatically

with just one casting director in a room

and a very sort of ashamed cameraman going, "That's not how you do it."

"Ooh! Oooh!"

I got the job!

And this is the final season of it, right?

It is. Well, it is, but it's cut... It's split into two,

like they did in Breaking Bad,

they sort of cut the final season into two lots.

So I think it's seven episodes and then eight episodes next year.

-OK.

-Which they're calling season eight but it's seven.

-And are you in all of it?

-Erm...

-Maybe.

-Hopefully.

-Can't say.

-Yeah, hopefully.

-Yes...

Now, look at this sofa, you look at this sofa

and you've got two sort of veritable acting legends at this end.

-JACK:

-Thank you.

-GEMMA LAUGHS

And then more relative greenhorns, greenhorns down the other.

So, I just wondered if there was any, you know, advice

you could give the youngsters because, Jack, I know,

you were a little paranoid and you foolishly googled yourself,

-didn't you?

-Oh, yeah.

I'd read that... I'd read some things that you should remember

when you're acting and one of them was about stillness.

You have to be still in scenes.

So I was like, "That's what I need to do -

"I just need to be really still in every scene that I do."

So I did this scene. I mean, I just didn't move,

just stared at the person opposite and it went out,

I was like, "I think I've got away with it."

People would've thought I was all right and I googled myself

-and I found a forum...

-Uh-oh.

-..and the topic on the forum was,

"Does Jack Whitehall have a glass eye?"

And all these people discussing whether I had a glass eye or not,

so then... And then it made that even worse

cos the next time actually I was like,

"I'm going to prove to them I don't have a glass eye."

You can see my eyes are just like everywhere.

-That's funny.

-Never read anything.

No, because, Michael Caine, you did the famous acting masterclasses.

-MICHAEL:

-Yeah, I did, yeah.

-They were in the '80s, wasn't it?

-Kind of '80s.

-Yeah, it must've been the '80s.

-Yeah.

-Years ago.

No, I remember. We all... In drama school, everybody watched them.

-Did they?

-Yeah.

-I saw one.

-Did you?

Yeah, and it gave me a big lesson in movie acting.

-A big lesson.

-What was it?

About where to look when you're on the close-up.

-Yeah, I'm doing it to you now.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Find one eye and you look at it.

-Yeah.

Because in the movies, because it's so high,

usually when you're engaged with someone,

you're looking from eye to eye for some reason or other

and in the movies,

your eyes are jerking around like that and it's not really cool.

It is cool. It's very cool.

A little later, darling.

No, you must also position...

Behind you there's a camera, right?

-Yeah.

-I'm talking to you.

-JACK:

-Yep.

-MICHAEL:

-So if I'm naturally talking to you,

my two eyes are on you here and we're talking.

In a camera, I move over to there

and my other eye is in the camera but I'm looking at you.

-Oooh.

-Very good.

-That's the trick.

-Wow.

And you don't blink unless, you know,

you've got something in your eye.

-JACK:

-I don't have to blink at all.

-MICHAEL:

-Marlene Dietrich told me that.

-Marlene?

-Marlene Dietrich told me that, yeah.

I was at a birthday party for Liza Minnelli

and her godmother was Marlene Dietrich.

And then she saw me and I was just sort of famous as Alfie

or something, you know, she knew who I was and she said to me,

she said, "You're supposed to be a movie star,

"why are you dressed so scruffily?"

And she started giving me a bollocking about dressing.

And I thought, "This is Marlene Dietrich," you know?

And there was a buffet and she said, "There's a buffet,

"let's have dinner."

So I said, "OK, all right, OK."

I said, "Come on, then, we'll go and choose."

She said, "No, you choose." I said, "What do you want?"

She said, "Whatever you have, I'll have it."

And then I sat down and she said, "And another thing.

"You're using the wrong eyes."

And then she told me that story. It's amazing.

And then someone else said, "Never blink."

People don't like that when you blink, no.

-JACK:

-Never blink, what, keep them open...?

-Unless there is a reason.

-MICHAEL:

-There's a reason...

You can make comments with...

I've talked to you without blinking the entire time.

-JACK:

-You didn't blink once?

-MICHAEL:

-No.

-JACK:

-I just assumed you may have had a glass eye.

APPLAUSE

-MICHAEL:

-No, I'm just trying to be like you.

-JACK:

-Just keep them open?

-MICHAEL:

-A glass eye. You mustn't blink.

Right, Decline And Fall. We're two weeks in,

the last episode is next Friday.

In fact, people have just been watching you on the telly now,

-you were on a while ago. Next Friday...

-Cos it's Friday.

It's Friday, yeah. Next Friday, nine on BBC One.

Well, obviously the boxset will be available on iPlayer.

-It's the Evelyn Waugh novel... er, Paul Pennyfeather. JACK:

-Yes.

And so if people haven't seen it, who he?

Who he? He is, erm, he's a man.

I'm getting quite lazy in my old age as a chat show host.

I'm just giving sort of...

Film. What?

He... He? Now I'm doing it. He a man who, er...

He a man who expelled from university and then he becomes...

-I'm doing it!

-Yeah, stop it.

He becomes a teacher in a school where he meets

all these crazy people, one of whom is played by Gemma

and one of whom is played by David Suchet,

and he marries Eva Longoria, not in the book,

she plays a woman in the book called Margot,

he marries her and then he ends up going to prison and that's...

-Oh, that's ruined it.

-Spoiler alert, oops.

-I've ruined it.

-No, no, we know you're going to prison.

-Yeah, you know... Yeah.

-I definitely go to prison.

-It says "next week"

-and then you see you in prison.

-Oh, yeah, I end up in prison.

-Now...

And then I escape tunnelling through the walls...

No, now you're giving it away.

No, I meet Morgan Freeman in the prison and he helps me escape.

-I remember that.

-We meet by a tree.

I think I've got them confused now.

Now, we have a clip of Decline And Fall. It's not...

-MICHAEL:

-That one?

-..that. No, it's not that.

-JACK:

-No, it's not that one.

-That'll be in the DVD extras.

-Yeah.

No, this is... Gemma, your character, is she called Dinge?

-Dingy.

-Dingy.

-Dingy Fagan. Diana, but Dingy Fagan.

Yeah, Daddy's favourite.

-Posh people are hilarious, aren't they?

-Aren't they? Yeah.

-They had Diana, we'll call her Dingy.

-Yeah.

So this is the two of you meeting at the school for the first time.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, and this is my other daughter.

Diana, this is Paul Pennyfeather,

-the new master.

-Pleased to meet you.

Don't listen to whatever Florence has just told you.

-Do your own thing.

-Shut up, Dingy.

-Would you like tea?

-Yes, please.

I hope you brought some soap with you

and boot polish and pens and paper for writing.

-I'm afraid I didn't.

-Oh, Father.

I asked you to tell him the masters are not supplied

with those luxuries.

Well, it slipped my mind.

-Do you take sugar?

-Yes.

-Did you bring any?

-No.

I can get some. Thank you.

I've put you in charge of the fifth form.

You'll find them delightful boys, quite delightful.

I've also put you in charge of games, carpentry

and the fire drill.

The fire escape is very dangerous and never to be used...

even in an emergency.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Now, I do have a slight issue, Jack,

because you do take your clothes off in things a lot.

-MICHAEL:

-Do you?

-JACK:

-No...

-Yes, you do!

-No. Yeah, I have in the past.

-Yes!

And I was so looking forward to Decline And Fall, I was like,

"This is a book, it's a period comedy drama.

"This is going to be the first job where I keep my clothes on."

-First scene.

-Yeah.

-MICHAEL:

-Did you take your clothes off?

-JACK:

-But I had to! I had to cos it was in...

-Not a body double.

-Not a body double, that is my actual one.

-Not that I know.

Because the masterclass...

That's the thing. The woman... I've done it so many times,

-I've got my bum out...

-Yes.

-..that the make-up lady

had seen me in other things with my bum out and came up to me

on day one, she was like, "Would you like a wax

-"before we shoot that scene?"

-Ooh!

-A wax?

-No, well, I couldn't.

-Hot wax.

-Cos it's set in 1928...

-MICHAEL:

-What, you've got a hairy bum?

-JACK:

-Yes, very, yeah.

-MICHAEL:

-Have you?

-JACK:

-Yeah.

But, no, the masterclass, the masterclass says no to that.

-MICHAEL:

-No, don't do nudity because you...

What you're actually doing, although you're acting

and people are laughing or crying or doing whatever or being afraid,

you are controlling what the audience is doing

and where they're looking.

The moment you take your clothes off, you've lost them.

They immediately start to talk to each other.

And it's done.

-JACK:

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Going, "Look at the hair on that." MICHAEL:

-Yeah.

-JACK:

-But the key is to always look at one butt cheek, not two.

-MICHAEL:

-And the woman, one woman turns to the other and says,

"My husband's got a bigger one than that."

You know, and also, you must remember you're nervous.

-JACK:

-Yes.

-MICHAEL:

-So if you do a full frontal,

it's not going to be very big.

APPLAUSE

-Yeah, let's draw a veil over this.

-Let's draw a veil

because it is time for music.

But first, we must say goodbye to Michael and Morgan.

It's been such a treat having you on the show.

-Thank you so, so much for coming to see us.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

A huge thank you, ladies and gentlemen,

to the great Morgan Freeman and Sir Michael Caine.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Lovely to meet you.

-You, too.

-There you go.

-Thank you, all. Bye-bye.

-Thank you very much. Cheers.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Very good.

Right, now it's time for our musical guests.

It's 25 years since this band released their first single.

Since then, they've had seven number one albums,

won eight Brit Awards and sold over 45 million records.

Here with an exclusive performance of Wonderland, it's Take That!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I'll be your king

# I'll be your queen

# And all that happens in-between

# I'll be your fix

# Your lucky dice

# Here in wonderland, in paradise

# Your serenader

# Your hall of fame

# Your force of nature

# I'm back again

# Your last confession

# Your Holy Grail

# Your first impression

# From London to the USA

# Music makes me feel good Music makes me feel good

# Get on my feet, get on my knees

# For it

# Music makes me feel good Music makes me feel good

# Everybody's feelin' wonderland

# I'll take my place, my majesty

# So put on your crown and dance with me

# My fate awaits

# A celebration

# A part of your society

# Don't leave me waiting

# Don't leave me here

# A life of times of

# This time of year

# My re-election

# My final stand

# My words of wisdom

# From heaven to the promised land

# Music makes me feel good Music makes me feel good

# Get on my feet, get on my knees

# For it

# Music makes me feel good Music makes me feel good

# Everybody's feelin' wonderland

# And the music fills my body

# And the music gives me joy

# And the music gives me company

# When I need somewhere to cry

# Yeah, the feeling is sensational

# And you gotta understand

# How the music makes me feel

# Wonderland

# All your dreams are made

# All your dreams are made

# In wonderland

# In wonderland... #

Woo!

Come on, everyone!

Oh, yeah.

# You wanna see the one you came here for... #

One last time!

# Music makes me feel good Music makes me feel good

# Get on my feet, get on my knees

# For it

# Music makes me feel good Music makes me feel good

# Everybody's feelin' wonderland

-# Yeah

-Music makes me feel good

# Music makes me feel good

-# Get on my feet

-My feet

-# Get on my knees

-My knees

# Music makes me feel good Music makes me feel good

# Everybody's feelin' wonderland. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you.

Woo!

Take That, everybody! Come on over, boys, do.

Oh, lovely to see you. Lovely to see you.

Nice to see you. Hi, lovely to see you.

-Come in and sit down.

-How are you?

Jack and Gemma, that's Take That.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Very good. Very good. Sit down. Oh, there's Mark.

-Hello.

-Again!

-Hi, hi.

So, that was an exclusive performance

of the title track off Wonderland.

-This is... Now... GARY:

-That's the vinyl.

-I know!

-I know, I've got so many of these.

-It's a CD.

-But they're big again, aren't they?

-I know. Well, yeah.

-Yeah.

-They are big, look.

-I know, huge!

Never fit in the car.

The... But it says that this is your eighth... It's out now.

Eighth studio album. I'm sort of surprised.

I thought you'd have more studio albums.

25 years - eight seems quite lazy.

LAUGHTER

-I know there was "the break".

-"The break."

We were on a break. Remember that.

-The missing years.

-But they were ten years, that break, as well.

-So...

-Oh, OK, so 15 years, eight albums, that's about right.

I agree with you, it doesn't sound that many.

When you say, "Oh, this is their eighth album..."

-You'd think we'd have done a few more.

-Yeah.

It feels like it, though, doesn't it?

-It feels like we've done a lot more.

-We've enjoyed every one.

Right, now, tour...

-The Wonderland, the big new stadium tour.

-Yes.

But is it true it's sold out?

So there's no point mentioning it, really?

-Erm...I think so. Yeah, but...

-We start on May the 5th.

-It's quite close to being sold out, to be honest.

-Our tours are...

You know, they're always... It's the highlight of our whole year, as well.

-Yeah.

-It's just always an event and

with Wonderland being the title of it, of course,

creatively for us we're going to be throwing everything at this show.

-Have you guys seen Take That concerts?

-Yep.

-Gemma?

-Yep... No.

-Gemma hasn't...

-I haven't.

-..but I've invited her.

-Yeah, I'm going to go.

-She's going to come this summer.

-Yeah.

-HOWARD:

-Which ones have you seen, Jack?

-I saw the one with the big... the big man.

-Oh, yeah.

-That was Progress.

-Progress.

The robot, is that what you're looking for?

-The big robot, yeah.

-I thought you were talking about Robbie!

LAUGHTER

Honestly, if you haven't seen a Take That concert, go,

because it's amazing.

Afterwards...

You do realise you don't really need to be there?

-I mean, there's so much...

-Don't say that!

No, honestly, if they popped a CD on and did that show,

you'd leave perfectly happy.

We're... I mean, I'm not...

You know, I'm trying not to blow my on trumpet here, but I believe...

HE MIMICS A TRUMPET

For anyone that doesn't really like the music of Take That, I believe

they could go to a Take That concert and go away very, very happy

-with what they see.

-Yes!

-They put on a show.

-Yeah.

-They put on a show.

-They put on a bloody show.

I think half of that comes from, sort of, an insecure place, really

from when we were sort of... I feel like we...

Sometimes we feel like we, sort of, need to do that,

put all that stuff around us to then make us, sort of, you know,

-appear...

-Good.

-Yeah.

-Appear good, yeah!

-But also...

-We need help.

-We need help!

-Lots of help.

-JACK:

-I'm exactly the same.

Every show I do I'm like, "Let's have confetti cannons,

-"let's have pyrotechnics..."

-Yeah!

I don't believe you cannot glitter a turd. You can.

That's show business.

-I've had injuries, haven't I, on these tours?

-Yeah.

I mean, one of the first tours we did in Berlin, he...

Mark was like this with his hands to flip me over

to do a full somersault and I landed on my finger.

So we all went into the position of facing each other,

two facing each other while Gary was singing,

and the other two were looking at me like that, going...

And I looked down and this finger was pointing in that direction.

GROANING

-It was awful.

-Yep, yep.

It was just a finger, it wasn't a leg or an arm

but when you look at a finger in the wrong position it's like...

And the best thing was we had this lift in the middle of the stage

and he'd gone off and...

It was his middle finger that was bent.

..been told to bite on a towel and they pulled it back into place.

GROANING

And, of course, three numbers later, Howard comes up...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Listen, very quickly, we must mention the musical.

-The Band, the Take That musical.

-Oh, I know. We were all a part.

-We were all there.

-Yes, all a part. We were there.

-So, apparently, it's doing quite well.

-We're very proud.

We're very proud of the band, anyway because we feel very paternal

-towards them.

-Yeah, yeah.

But, yes, the tickets have been on sale this week and we...

You know, it's the fastest, highest grossing touring musical in history.

-GEMMA:

-Wow.

-Wow!

-So the guys are in for an incredible year.

-Yeah.

-Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

And, very quickly, Jack, you are also...

It's not a tour, you're doing three shows.

Yeah, I did a massive tour and then I'm doing... I'm extending it

-and I'm going to do it again in the summer.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

-And there's going to be, like...

-Shows and that.

I'm like... I'm like Take That...

No, I'm not like Take That, but...

You know, I model myself on people like Take That.

I like putting on a show. I like it being...

There's a musical number at the end.

I'm like, "Why not?"

-Why the hell not?

-Yeah. It's over then.

Because I haven't written any jokes.

And I'm filling five minutes with this.

No, but it is... If I could...

if I could sing, then that would be it. Stand-up would be over.

-Stand-up is the hardest job in the world, it's got to be.

-Yeah.

No, but, like, I'd give it up in a second if I could...

Even just do a bit of backing with you guys.

-Are you asking?

-Yeah, I'm offering it.

LAUGHTER

I'll do just a couple of weeks, see how it goes

and if you don't like me, then just ditch me. But, like... I love...

That, when you were doing that little...

I was like... I was well into that. And I would throw myself into it.

Not like him, there. I watched him doing that.

No, but, like, they're going for it...

He was singing very high.

He was a passenger!

LAUGHTER

A very happy one!

Well, listen, congratulations.

Thanks for doing that. Good luck with the tour. Take That, everybody.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's nearly it, but before we go, we do have time for a visit

to the big red chair.

I turn now. Who's up first? Hello!

-Hello.

-Hi! You're on. What's your name?

-Wayne.

Wayne. Lovely.

-And what do you do, Wayne?

-I'm a London bus driver.

Woohoo! Maybe don't tell us the number of the bus,

but what sort of area might you be in?

Central London.

Central London, you know, one of those buses.

All right, Wayne, off you go with your story.

Oh, OK. I was driving my bus one day and I arrived at a bus stop.

I opened up both sets of doors and people were getting on and

off as usual and then basically

I was looking through my rear-view mirror

and I see these four gentleman walking through the back doors.

They were bringing on board a dining room table and chairs.

I thought, "Oh, my God! What's going on here?"

I said, "Excuse me." I said, "What's going on?"

They said, "Ah, it's OK, driver, just carry on. Just drive.

"You know, we're going to Edgware Road."

And I thought, "Oh, God, what's this, the Last Supper?"

And they actually put the chairs around the table in the disabled bay

where the wheelchair goes.

And I said, "No, there must be some mix-up here."

I said... "It's got..." "You've got to be needing a removal company

"not a bus company."

And needless to say, at the end of it, they got off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wayne!

It started so well!

We really held on then, didn't we? We held on.

We did. I thought there was going to be a climax.

I was hanging on, hanging on, hanging on.

-That was so much.

-I know!

People are... You know, what's the funniest,

most interesting thing that's ever happened to you?

Wayne drives a bus every day and that's it.

That's it. No heart attacks, nobody shat themselves. Nothing.

"And, sure enough, they got off."

-Wayne!

-Yeah, Wayne, yeah...

OK, I'm... I'm going to be a little stricter from now on.

-Seriously, didn't you think...?

-And we thought...

Wayne's stories are like London buses, you wait ages for one

and then it never comes!

OK. Let's try somebody. Here we go.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi. What's your name?

-Valerio.

-Valerio!

-Where are you from, Valerio?

-Italy.

-Italy, lovely.

-And do you live here?

-Yes.

-What do you do here, Valerio?

-I'm a logistics manager.

-Oh...

-Gemma!

-I was getting...!

I'm with you! Oh, my God! Gemma's on fire.

She's like, "Oh, I hate logistical managers!"

-I want to touch it.

-All right!

It's Morgan all over again.

I love when you were talking to Morgan Freeman's penis.

That's my favourite bit of the show -

was when you were bending down, talking to it.

-I'm sorry, Valerio, we got distracted.

-Make Mummy proud.

OK, off you go with your story, Valerio.

OK, so I am here tonight to surprise my beautiful wife Alma.

-Alma?

-Yeah, she's actually in the audience tonight.

-Oh, where's Alma?

Are you sure? She may have left... Oh, no, there she is.

-She's over there.

-That's the surprise.

Yeah, surprise, she's gone!

No, your beautiful wife Alma is still here. Off you go, Valerio.

-Is this a nice surprise?

-Yes, of course.

-OK.

-She's pregnant with our first baby.

-Oh!

-We don't know yet the gender of the baby...

-Oh, yes.

..because I really want to wait until the baby is born.

-Of course, Valerio.

-But she really wants to know as soon as possible.

-Oh, yes.

-So the doctor wrote...

-..on this piece of paper...

-Oh!

-..the gender of the baby.

And I said to her we will open on a special occasion.

-Oh, yes.

-So, because she loves you and your show,

-I believe that tonight is the best occasion.

-Oh, yes!

-GARY:

-Brilliant.

-May I open?

-Yes, do.

-Don't you dare pull that lever!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We'll get him back! We'll get him back. No, wait, we'll get him back.

We'll get him back!

We'll get him back, we'll get him back, we'll get him back.

OK, get Valerio back. Get Valerio back.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Valerio.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

OK, this is it. Wait, wait, wait. Here we go.

-So, Alma... Alma?

-Are you ready?

It'll be a boy or a girl.

-JACK:

-And if it's a boy, you're calling it Wayne!

-Here we go, here we go.

-The baby...

is a girl!

Well done, Valerio! You can walk, you can walk.

-Amazing!

-Awww!

Well done, everyone. Congratulations, Alma!

Aw, a little baby girl!

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go in that red chair,

you can contact us via our website at this very address...

That's it for tonight.

Please say thank you to my guests Take That...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Whitehall... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Gemma Whelan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and, of course, the great Morgan Freeman

and Sir Michael Caine.

Join me next week with musical guests Jennifer Hudson,

actress Keeley Hawes, Doctor Who Peter Capaldi,

comedian Miranda Hart and Hollywood legend Warren Beatty.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE