New Year's Eve Show The Graham Norton Show

Hi, everyone, I'm Hugh Jackman, it's New Year's Eve,

welcome to The Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh-ho-ho! Too kind.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Welcome to the show and happy New Year's Eve!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yay!

Yay!

Yay, it's really happening...

We've got a great sofa of guests

to ease you towards the midnight celebrations.

By the way, if you are planning to have

a fireworks demonstration tonight, please remember, never return to

a lit one as it can backfire on you,

like, I don't know, like a snap election.

That was fun!

Oh, I wonder if Theresa May got what she wanted for Christmas?

Hindsight. Yeah...

I do hope at home you've got a drink in hand.

Not so much to toast in the New Year -

more to help you forget the old one! Yeah!

2017, ladies and gentlemen - what a year!

In China, it was the Year of the Monkey. Yeah.

In America, Year of the Cock.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Donald...

Donald wasn't the only American in the news this year, no.

In November, an American won the lottery. Yeah.

"Yes! Yes!

"Stupid acting! Yes!"

In the UK, Theresa May started the Brexit process

by triggering Article 50.

Or, as it's now called, Article 50 billion.

This was David Davis in August,

insisting the UK will not give the EU a blank cheque,

and here he is in September...

..giving them a blank cheque!

This year, Tim Farron resigned as Lib Dem leader

because of his Christian views on gay sex.

To be fair to Tim, he did a very Christian thing when he resigned -

he gave up a seat to an elderly person.

Yeah. Awww! Vince, look at him!

Already talk of Vince Cable being replaced.

Mind you, it can't be the first time he's heard the words

"Do you think you'll survive the winter?"

LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later, we'll be meeting Dr Foster star, Suranne Jones, will be here.

And we'll be chatting to one of our greatest actors, Gary Oldman.

CHEERING

Plus, we'll be seeing out the year with a great musical performance

by the Leading Ladies.

They will be performing One Night Only.

But first, three hot stars from the new musical extravaganza

The Greatest Showman,

starting with the all-singing, all-dancing Mr Zac Efron!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah!

They thought I was lying! That's Zac Efron.

She's one of Hollywood's most influential young stars -

it's Zendaya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So sparkly!

Hello, you're very welcome. Mwah and mwah!

Go and sit beside Zac there.

And he's not only The Greatest Showman,

he's one of our all-time favourite guests.

It is Mr Hugh Jackman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Oh! Lovely to see you all.

Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Come on.

-You're good, you're good!

-Yes.

DEADPAN: Thank you for joining us on this special evening.

It's just I'm Australian - I will be vomiting in 30 minutes.

-Did you all have a nice Christmas?

-The best!

-Yeah?!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh...

I don't know where to begin.

Zac, I don't want to pry.

What was your best present, Zac? What was your best present?

A-ha, ah, yeah...

This is a good game, isn't it?! Good game.

-I still have yet to get it for myself.

-OK!

-Zac gave me a car. A car!

-That's so nice!

-I heard that!

-The Bugatti.

-It was amazing.

-How did you like it?

-I just loved it.

The colour, not so much, but, you know...

Listen, we should say, Hugh Jackman, this year, this festive season,

-you CAN enjoy yourself, you can pull the old ripcord...

-Yeah.

..cos you never have to be Wolverine again.

That's it. 17 years I've been on a diet.

You never need to look like...

But having said that, like, won't you miss looking like that?

-Erm...

-WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

Now... Now, yes!

No. Like, people say to me,

"How do I get ripped? How do I get like that?"

And I'm, like, "Man, really,

"it's too much effort for what it's worth."

Like, it takes a lot, it's a lot of dedication, a lot of time,

a lot of pain, a lot of steamed chicken and not much fun.

Like, don't do it - it's not worth it.

Yeah, it sucks, man.

You can look seven and half out of ten and be so much happier.

My wife is, like, "Enough!

"Your job, as my husband, is to look like crap.

"That is your job."

Now, Zendaya, Zendaya, here's the thing -

how old were you when you kind of

started working professionally in the business?

I think I was 13 when I got my first Disney Channel gig.

-Yeah. And now you're in your early 20s now.

-Yeah.

-Was that your show, your first gig?

-Yeah, that was my first thing.

-KC Undercover?

-It was Shake It Up, that was my first Disney show,

-and that was, yeah, 13 years old.

-Wow.

-And it hasn't stopped.

Is that younger than you, Zac? Or you were younger than that?

I was... Yeah. You were 13 on Disney Channel?

I was 13 on Disney Channel.

Yeah, when I was 13, I was...

..I think I was auditioning for my first play,

like, local community theatre.

My parents tricked me into auditioning for my first play.

Told me we were going to Toys R Us.

-You're kidding! They lied to you?

-Yeah.

And we've got a picture of you. Now, how old are you here?

-I had to be, like, 13.

-Is your hair crimped there?

Yeah. It is, it is.

Do you kind of put it an elastic band before you go to bed?

How do you make your hair like that?

I went to a performing arts school, and I'd lied about my age

and said I was in high school when I wasn't.

And I... There were a lot of older girls there

that were just fun to hang out with, and they did that to me.

-You were like their doll.

-Yeah! I guess I was.

We've got a picture of young Hugh Jackman.

Can you see the boy who really wants to perform?

Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's like...

Put me in, coach! Come on, coach, put me in!

-I'm ready!

-That is amazing!

You are, like, totally focused on the camera.

"Team? What team?"

The opposition... The opposition were terrified.

-They were intimidated.

-Wow.

The big movie you're here to tell us about is The Greatest Showman.

It's showing everywhere now, and it really is a festive treat.

It's a big musical extravaganza, telling the story of PT Barnum,

who sort of originated what we think of as a circus.

So, before we talk about it, here's a taste of what to expect.

This is not the life I promised you.

Not even close.

But I have everything I want.

Girls, I think I've had an idea.

# Look out cos here I come... #

I'm putting together a show.

It's a place where people can see things they've never seen before!

-Who's that?

-And what is your act?

-I don't have an act.

Everyone's got an act.

# So tell me do you wanna go?

# Where it's covered in all the coloured lights?

# Where the runaways are running the night?

# Impossible comes through It's taking over you

# Oh, this is the greatest show!

# This is the greatest show! #

No-one ever made a difference by being like everyone else.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know, Hugh Jackman, you play PT Barnum,

and it's one of those things, where, like, the part and you,

it's such a great fit.

You seem to love being the showman.

I was, seven and a half years ago, approached by...

Yes, I do.

Can I show you a shot of me playing soccer when I was six...

I do kind of love it.

I'm a ham, I'm a ham from way back,

and somehow I feel really comfortable on a stage,

I always have, and I was involved from the very beginning.

So, if I'm not good in this part, I literally will never be good again,

because it was a dream for me, for all of us.

Well, Zac's done it four times before...

But to be in a movie musical is a dream,

-and it doesn't come along all that often.

-Yeah.

And so we spent seven years, we wanted to do something original,

original music, and I think the music is phenomenal.

And we wanted to tell the story of

the guy who pretty much invented show business, so, this was it!

And I love that story that you were so gung ho.

Was it the first read-through, where you couldn't help yourself?

It was at... It was the final read-through.

So, we did four workshops over four years.

So, the final read-through, there were about 80 people,

and every single one of them with a cheque book in there.

So it was will this or will it not happen?

Based on this one performance.

We had an eight-piece orchestra, we had everyone there performing,

and the day before, I had had a skin cancer operation.

So, I've had three or four of them, and I had to get it done.

So I had 80 stitches in my nose and a plaster. I said,

"Great, I'm back to rehearsal, I'm going to sing tomorrow.

And the doctor's like, "No, no, no, you can't sing tomorrow."

You know, because the stitches may come apart.

And I said, "You don't understand - this is our make or break.

"I've got to sing." And he goes, "You can't sing tomorrow."

So I went in, made the announcement to everyone that I couldn't sing

and someone was there to sing the songs for me.

But when it came to From Now On, which is the last number,

I was just so taken up by the moment, I thought,

"I'll sing the first line."

So, I sang the first line, I sang the second line,

I sang the third line... and then I was singing!

LAUGHTER

With the soccer ball, right there!

-And, yeah...

-APPLAUSE

So, I've finished the song.

I mean, it was a pretty good showbiz moment.

And I... Everyone seemed to be happy and I was like, "Great,"

and I felt this trickle, and I went, "Uh-oh."

And I went back to the doctor

and had to have a bunch of those stitches redone.

But worth it! Worth it!

The show must go on!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-So, you're PT Barnum.

-Yeah.

-And Zendaya...?

I'm Anne Wheeler.

I'm a trapeze artist who...falls in love with this guy.

-Yeah...

-Aw!

I sort of play a made-up character. Phillip...

LAUGHTER

-Same.

-Phillip...Carlyle?

And...I'm, like, a writer, struggling, sort of very depressed,

but successful and has a lot of money,

that PT Barnum convinces me to come with him and sort of help him

on his journey to show business.

I want his money.

And Zendaya...being bendy and doing the trapeze-y thing,

was there a moment where, I think, you over-exerted yourself?

Was it in front of Hugh?

OK. See, here's what happened.

Let me clear the air, literally.

-So, here's the story.

-"Literally"! Yeah.

So, we're doing...

I'm not going to name the person because that's embarrassing, OK?

The point is, we were doing a stunt in front of Hugh Jackman.

Now, I have very few scenes with Hugh Jackman,

-and I was very nervous.

-Was it me?!

-It was not you.

-No, it was not you.

And I was on my, you know, my A game,

cos this is Hugh Jackman and I do not want to mess up.

So we're doing this thing where I'm basically up in the air

and I spin down and I get caught,

and I heard a fart.

LAUGHTER

-Now, wait!

-We all heard the fart!

We all heard the fart.

Now...as a professional, I was going to carry on.

It was not me!

I just want to clarify, right here, right now, it was not me.

So, they're laughing.

The other person, OK, is laughing, and Hugh was laughing.

I'm like, "OK, are we just going to, like, pretend that it didn't happen

"or are we going to laugh about it?"

And what happened was the person - who was a grown man -

-blamed it on me!

-Yeah.

-Oh!

-So Hugh thought that I farted!

-HUGH MOUTHS

But, the crazy... I would never do that!

No-one thought that that was you, no-one.

-No-one.

-Listen, let me tell you something...

-Yeah.

..if I ever farted in front of you,

it would definitely be silent but deadly.

I would never...never audibly, never audibly.

You know what I'm saying? I'm a lady.

Memo to self. Memo to self.

And tell me this, Zac, in terms of dancing and showmen,

I know that Michael Jackson was a real hero of yours.

-And...

-Yeah...

Now, you... Did you meet him? Or you didn't meet him?

-There was...

-No, no, I never... I talked to him on the phone.

Yeah, so how did that happen?

Uh, I... How did it happen?

I was... I was in Paris, and I was with Kenny Ortega.

We were promoting High School Musical 3, I want to say it was...

I was probably 20... Maybe 20, 21 at the time,

and we were at dinner, and somehow, I was at the head of the table

and Kenny was on the other side of the table,

our director, Kenny Ortega.

And his phone rang, and I remember I got this look, like...

"You want this phone call."

And I was like, "OK," so I came over and was like, "What's going on?"

-He goes...

-WHISPERS:

-"It's Michael Jackson."

I'm like, "What?!" He hands me the phone, and I was like...

"Uh...hello?"

And I heard, "Hi, who's this?"

And I was like... "Um, this is Zac Efron.

"I'm a massive fan and I'm an actor

"and you're, like, my hero," and I didn't know what to say.

I was like, kind of... I was just at a loss for words and rambling on.

And then he said, "That's really nice.

"Can you hand the phone back to Kenny?"

LAUGHTER

So I did. And I was freaking out.

Like, I just talked to Michael Jackson - he's my hero.

I was tripping.

And I sat back down, just a little dizzy, and then all of a sudden,

the phone rang again, and Kenny answered,

and I saw him kind of confused across the table.

And he, like, looked at me again. He's like,

"You want to get this phone."

I was like, "OK." And he hands the phone to me and goes,

"It's Michael Jackson again."

And I was like, "What? OK."

And I picked up the phone and I was like, "Hello?"

He goes, "Oh, this is Zac, from High School Musical?"

And I was like, "Uh...yeah."

And he was like, "Oh, I love what you do, I'm a huge fan,

"I love what you do."

And I lost it. I just lost it.

I lost my balance, I think I fell over, into the wall.

I was like, do you know who I am?

And I just started crying.

I was a mess.

Literally, I was making a fool out of myself.

I, like, slid down to the floor, pathetically,

and professed how much I loved him.

Said, like, "You're my hero, you're the reason I do what I do,

"thank you so much, Michael, for everything.

"Thanks for showing me how to dance,

"how to believe in myself, how to... how to..."

I don't know, how to shine, you know?

And...that made him cry.

We were both crying to each other on the phone.

And he ended the whole phone call conversation with

something along the lines of,

"Hey, Zac," and I stopped crying for a second,

"Isn't it awesome?" I was like, "What?"

And he goes, "Dreams really do come true, don't they?"

And I was like... "Michael, you can't say things like that!

"You're killing me, man! You're killing me!"

-What a sweet story.

-Thank you, Michael. Thank you.

Now, in terms of circus, and the world of circus,

oddly, Hugh Jackman, this isn't your first foray.

You did some fine clown work.

-I did.

-Earlier in your life.

-I was a clown at kids' parties.

-I think we've got a picture of Coco.

-There it is!

-This is Coco.

It's a rented costume.

Coco and Bozo. We really put zero thought into this.

But I could juggle at the time.

And I was very good with the three-year-olds'

and four-year-olds' party.

-Cos you really just dress up and you're done.

-Yeah, yeah.

And I remember once getting a little cocky

and I did an eight-year-old's birthday party.

All you're hired to do is to keep the kids occupied for an hour.

We've got some mums and dads here,

so that mums and dads can drink, right? Am I right?

About five minutes into my schtick, this little eight-year-old kid,

who I hate to this day,

stands up, "Mum, Dad,

"this clown is crap!"

Shut up! Shut up, kid!

And I pull out the thing... I would juggle eggs,

I could juggle eggs and occasionally I would crack one.

So I just said, "Here, kids, eggs,"

They were throwing eggs at me and I literally walked out,

took off the wig, and I never went back again, that was it.

-No more Coco.

-Obviously, in things like The Prestige,

-you had to learn special skills.

-Right.

-You can properly juggle, can't you?

-I used to be able to juggle.

Because tonight, because it's The Greatest Showman,

we were thinking about people's skills, special skills, so...

-Can you juggle those things?

-Right!

There's a selection of fruit. If you want to juggle a selection of fruit.

-Shall we go oranges?

-Go oranges.

All right, we'll go oranges.

Oh, you really can!

AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD

Oh, I caught one! I caught one!

Same time.

Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Beautiful!

-Health and safety!

I turn now... I turn now to Zendaya.

Now, you've got a physical thing you can do?

-Oh, yeah.

-Not the farting?

-Oh, no.

It wasn't me!

-Tell me this...

-It was not me!

-But it was not me.

-I'm really excited to find out.

-Tell me this,

Zendaya, in terms of the trapeze skills, do you still have them?

If, for instance, if there was a trapeze,

could you just slip your shoes off and get on a thing and just go nuts?

You know... I didn't really wear my trapeze outfit today.

The heels are a little difficult.

Oh, OK!

-Is that a no?

-I mean...

-Oh, is it a yes?

Maybe... Maybe...

CHEERING

Listen, guys, I hate to let people down,

but I don't have my stunt team here.

-And I do not want to hurt myself.

-We got you.

You guys are going to...?

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh...

Well, thank you very much.

The only thing I can do is wiggle my ears.

See, already we're thrilled!

You're really doing it! Oh, she's doing it!

That is impressive. Well done.

APPLAUSE

-That was good.

-Thank you!

Now, Zac, you've been very generous with your skills on the show,

we've seen you controlling the ball

and then you did the pole work the last time.

-That was impressive.

-We haven't turned that photograph.

-He did that.

-That's for real?

-Yeah.

My pole dance.

Tonight, you bring us something very special.

So, what special skill, what party trick have you brought for us?

It's nothing at all.

I couldn't do it. In fairness, I don't know what it is, but I...

If it wasn't built up now, after that!

My mom taught me how to blow like bubbles of spit.

Now we're talking!

So, now, because I'm not sure, so I don't know how well this will go.

If it was to go as well as possible, what should we expect to see?

Things are happening.

-I can see it!

-Your spit has to be just the right consistency.

My mom taught me how to do this. She's going to be so embarrassed.

Here we go, here we go, here we go. This is it. This is it.

I saw it, I saw it!

-I can form one. Last try?

-Yeah.

Honestly, I can't do it. Your spit has to be just right.

I don't know what you have to eat.

Mom... I wish my mom was around.

-It's OK, man.

-Well, frickin' A!

OK, we've been let down by spitball.

Will you have one more go with your spitball? One more go.

Oh, I saw that one!

Oh... Oh...

Oh, you're on a roll.

-Oh! Yay!

-We've got a spitball!

-OK, you did it, you did it, Zac Efron!

-Yes!

So, let's just see if our audience tonight have any talents.

We asked what skills they have to offer us tonight.

I've got some of their answers here.

Where's Lucy?

Where's Lucy? Now, Lucy, I don't understand your thing.

So, you can do Eggy Peggy language?

-Yeah.

-OK, so how do we demonstrate this?

-So I can translate anything into Eggy Peggy.

-Just a phrase?

-Any phrase. In any language.

-Hugh Jackman, do you have a phrase

you would like to hear in Eggy Peggy? I know no more than you.

Zendaya never farted on the set of The Greatest Showman.

SHE TRANSLATES TO EGGY PEGGY

CHEERING

I don't know whether that was good or not.

It's good.

Where's Ash? Where's Ash?

Ash, what can you do?

-Spin on my head.

-You're the spin-on-the-head guy.

OK, that's very good. Hang on. We might see you later.

We won't see it right now. That's Ash, who can spin on his head.

Where is Tora?

Now, Tora does an impression.

You just do the one, right?

-No.

-Yes. Ssh!

-Is there more?

-Yes.

I love gabby friend there.

How many...?

What else can Tora do?

-FRIEND:

-Tell them.

-Well...

I used to be able to do the Queen.

-What happened?

-Well, she got older, and I can't do her any more.

So, what are you going to give us?

I'm going to give Sybil Fawlty.

-Oh, Fawlty Towers, OK.

-I love that!

So, Tora is Sybil Fawlty from Fawlty Towers.

-AS SYBIL:

-Polly, would you get Manuel for me?

That was very good!

Now, Mike, where's Mike?

Now, Mike might be a good companion trick for your moving ears.

-Oh, OK.

-Mike can, it says here, "uniquely fold his tongue".

-Oh!

-OK.

Nice and close to Mike's mouth.

OK. And here we go.

Mike folding his... Oh, he's having some problems.

Oh, no, are they your own teeth?

They are.

Don't get sick, Mike!

-Sorry.

-Not yet.

-Not yet.

-OK.

No, in fairness, professionals are having trouble.

-Don't attempt any trick with your tongue on this show.

-No.

I do a mean Wolverine.

Let's see your mean Wolverine then!

That's good. Who knew that was coming?

Ah, well done, all the talented people in our audience, very good.

-Why didn't I think of that?

-I know!

-No, he had that ends of his fingers going, man.

-He was good.

Hey, let's meet my next guest. We first met this Bafta-winning actress

on Coronation Street, then as one half of Scott & Bailey

but she truly gripped the nation in the monster hit Doctor Foster.

Please welcome Suranne Jones!

Hey. Hello, darling, lovely to see you.

Have a seat. More kissing, more kissing.

It's so showbiz.

-Happy New Year.

-Happy New Year.

Or eve, or something, whatever it is.

Mike's making me a bit nervous with the tongue thing.

-I'm not sure what that was.

-Not sure if it's special.

-What?

Is that special, folding your tongue back?

He looked a bit like a dog that had had peanut butter.

-Um...

-Could have led with the Wolverine, Mike.

-Lead with that, that's the one.

-So, Suranne, did you meet backstage?

-No, you weren't back here.

-No, no.

-No.

We tried but she wouldn't see anyone.

-I don't know.

-No, I was too nervous.

I get very nervous before I come on

-so I was kind of hiding somewhere.

-Do you?

-We have met before.

-I know, we met in Broadway at the River.

-Yeah.

-Oh, good memory.

Yeah. With my husband as well.

Is this mean of me?

Yes, cos it was the dressing room and my friend Kush.

This might be mean of me, but... cos people, you know,

we give interviews, people ask us stupid questions, we answer them,

da-da-da, so, in 2013

do you remember you were asked in a questionnaire

what your greatest weakness was?

If I wasn't sat next to Hugh Jackman...

-..I would answer you, but you're going to say it anyway.

-I am, yes.

You said coffee and Hugh Jackman.

In that order?

The things you say.

Are you also kind of like, "What are the chances?"

-Now look!

-But then I went on to marry someone who also loves you,

and, when we met, he was winding me up before we met,

and he was getting knives

and putting them on his hands and saying, "When I meet Hugh,

"I am going to do this," cos he loves Wolverine.

And we had a massive argument cos I said why would you do that,

why can't you say you were great in the play, nice to meet you?

Why would you do...? Why would you get knives out?

And embarrass me?

And then we met, and my husband didn't say boo to a goose,

stood in a corner and we went, "Hi, how are you?"

And then was so disappointed that you weren't like Wolverine, so...

-Oh, really.

-Yeah.

-Oh. I'm going to send Mike over.

-Yes, yes.

-Mike's better.

-Sorry, Laurence.

-Now here's a thing.

I think it's extraordinary because you walk out

to that mighty roar and you, as an actress,

you were in the most popular show in Britain,

you were in Coronation Street, then Scott & Bailey,

everyone loved that, but Doctor Foster, you must have thought,

I'm really famous, and then Doctor Foster came along.

I know, it's just gone mental.

-Yeah.

-I've not done a show where people have just been behind it.

And also cos you couldn't binge watch it,

you had to watch it once a week, it had that kind of watercooler cooler effect.

And, you know, for a character that was quite mental at times,

-especially in season two...

-Yes.

-..yeah, people loved it.

But also it was quite graphic.

So, that must have been odd for you, then, just Suranne Jones,

-doing your shopping.

-I remember, well, I've told you this before.

But I was in the woods with my two-year-old,

nearly two-year-old and I'd done this big hate sex scene

where there was lots of things going on in the kitchen.

-And, um...

-I love that.

-The old hate sex scene.

-Yeah.

I hope they wiped down the surfaces after that

because it needed a good Dettoling.

And, you know, you do these scenes and you're just kind of, like...

and I'm with my son and my son just wants to

pick up sticks or sing songs with me in the woods,

and then people come past, saying,

"Ooh! Saw you last night in that scene, that was quite some..."

And I'm like, "Yeah, like, not now."

Not, not appropriate.

I'm singing, "Ooh, this little piggy went to market."

Yeah, literally.

Talking to you, you are not resting,

you are not resting cos you're straight back to work presumably

in the New Year in rehearsals, a new play, it's called Frozen.

Not the Disney version, yes.

No. I think that poster's good enough to avoid confusion.

-Yeah, I'm not in a fancy dress outfit, yeah.

-Where's Olaf?

It starts on 21st February,

it's at the Theatre Royal Haymarket in London and it's, not just you,

it's a really starry cast. It's Jason Watkins and Nina Sosanya.

-Sosanya, yes.

-Oddly, they're both in W1A together.

I know, which is a comedy, and again ours isn't really a comedy.

No, this sounds quite...

-Yeah.

-Yeah, it's a psychological thriller, a three-hander,

and it's about a woman who loses her child, her child goes missing.

And then she gets the opportunity to meet the person

that was responsible for that.

And I read somewhere where how you feel, because you're a newish mom,

that that has kind of affected your brain when you read

a script like this, kind of a different switch has been flicked.

Do you know, I don't know how you guys feel,

but when I became a mum or I was pregnant,

I was attracted by, like, missing children.

Because I've done three, like Doctor Foster,

and then I'm in a Sky Atlantic thing called Save Me

and that's about a missing child and Frozen is about missing...

So I must have been in a headspace

where it was like the total opposite to what...

I was so happy in my marriage

and having a new baby that I was drawn to these really dark stories.

I mean, it does stop after this one! I'm not... But it's weird...

I wonder what happens in this Suranne Jones project.

Another child goes missing, yeah.

She's got a kid. Not for long.

But now Coronation Street. How long were you in Coronation Street?

-Four years.

-Four years. Presumably, do you have any clue...

Oh, Hugh Jackman knows what it is. Zendaya, Zac? No.

I've heard of it, yes, yeah.

Because you were, you know,

that's a huge deal to get a gig in Coronation Street.

Oh, God. I mean, you know, I'm northern working-class,

all my family just loved Coronation Street.

And I used to audition all the time, like, almost every week,

because this theatre school that I went to,

they'd just get all the kids in to audition all the time.

And they were trying to find a part for me.

And, yeah, my nana Bertha and my grandad Bob were like,

you know, Spielberg, Coronation Street. "Ooh, Coronation Street!"

There's no comparison. And then of course I got it.

-And...

-It's been all downhill since then!

-Would you not go back?

-Yes, exactly.

Because Karen McDonald, she loved a good ruck, Karen McDonald.

-She did. Yes.

-Lots of it. A lot of them with her husband Steve.

Look at that, look at that vicious face there.

-Oh, God.

-Er, then some of them in the pub, I'm guessing

-this is St Patrick's Day.

-Oh, God!

That's a good fight. Now, sadly, no-one told her she was in shot.

She's just planning her menu for dinner.

She's like, "I've got carrots in, I could do something with them..."

And then, this, of course was the big final fight.

Was it that you weren't supposed to be doing this, were you?

No, my... Eunice...

These soaps are serious business.

No kidding around, yeah.

My stunt double, Eunice, she was meant to be doing that,

and then a car ran over her ankle.

So she got sent off, and the ambulance turned up

and we were all in the green room

and of course they should have sent us all home, but being budget

and all that, they said, "Oh, Eunice has gone to hospital,

"and she can't do the stunt now so...can you do it?"

-And of course I'm 22.

-You're nearly finished.

-You're nearly finished.

I'm 22 and I think, I'm going to get the sack if I don't.

So I went, "Yeah, what have I got to do?" And they said,

"We're just going to hang you over the building.

"And Tracy's going to smash you with a log."

-And I said, "OK."

-Is this a hate sex scene?

No, no, this is different.

-I love that Tracy just found a log.

-I know.

-In the knicker factory.

-Oh, this log that's in the knicker factory.

It's very Game Of Thrones.

Now, tonight we're collecting people's special skills.

We've seen some marvellous skills.

-Yes.

-So, what might you delight...

If we were at a party, what would you delight people with?

I... I... I haven't done it for a long time, but I used to, um,

-do a velociraptor impression.

-Oh!

She is pissing on you all.

-We haven't seen it yet.

-That level.

-We haven't seen it yet...

-Exactly.

-But, OK, do you need anything for this?

-Um, maybe these shoes off.

-OK. Do you need help with that?

No, no, I can get them off.

You know the famous scene

where the velociraptor is looking for the children,

in the kitchens.

Oh, yes, I do know, yes.

I kind of re-enact that.

Be kind to me, imagine there's some children that I'm running after

and they're all scared. Usually I'm doing that at a party

-and there's lots of kids.

-OK. Do you need to jump on a table or anything?

No, I just need a bit of space, this is good.

OK. She's an actress, just explore the space.

Explore the space.

-Yes, good.

-Oh, she's happy, she's happy.

Shall I get out of the way?

-I'm OK here?

-No, cos you can be a part of this.

-OK, OK.

We've got a little bit of music,

-a little bit of music.

-Goodbye, career!

LAUGHTER

Very good!

Excellent.

Right. Time for our final New Year guest.

This man has been a Hollywood star for over 30 years and now gives

a career-defining performance as the great Winston Churchill

in Darkest Hour. I smell Oscars.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Gary Oldman!

Oh! So good to see you.

-Hello, Sir.

-How are you? Are you well?

Come in, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. Well done.

Double congratulations to Gary Oldman.

Not only are you getting amazing reviews

but you've also just got married.

-I did get married.

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I got married in August.

And I proposed to my wife Gisele

on the set of Darkest Hour

so I was...I was dressed as Winston Churchill when I did it.

-HUGH:

-That's hot.

-Well, if she said yes to that...

-She said yes.

And it was, um, we had talked about it, but I don't know,

the urge took me, and we went into the Map Room

in the, you know, the War Rooms,

we went into the Map Room.

And I said, "Will you marry me?" and she said, "Yes."

And then someone said, "Gary, we need you on the set."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, we were talking about musicals obviously tonight,

with The Greatest Showman. And I did not realise, Gary Oldman,

that one of your first jobs,

you were in Cabaret, the musical Cabaret.

Yeah. Yeah.

But it wasn't plain sailing.

No. Well, you all know this.

The outgoing song I had,

a cappella, five-part harmony,

and the outgoing song's last note

is my starting note

and I would take it from the piano,

and I would be backstage,

hear the note, come out, set up,

the lights would come up and I would start singing.

And these five Boy Scouts were all around the campfire thing.

And, um... And I, on one night,

only one night, thank heavens,

but instead of taking the note from the piano,

the trumpet in the band,

the trumpet drowned it out.

So, I took the note from the trumpet, which is the same note,

but it's impure, it's not the same as the piano.

And I get the note in my head,

come out and I start singing

-and I realised I've started an octave too high.

-Oh, no...!

And... And then it goes up a tone.

You know the song I'm talking about, do you? Yeah.

# The sun on the meadow... #

Back in the day, I could.

I was only 20.

So, I started singing

and suddenly realised,

"Oh, my God,

"I'm so... I'm so off!"

And then it went up another tone,

there's these five guys who had, by then, stopped harmonising.

And were just going...

CHUCKLING

That thing of I'm there singing with veins popping out of my neck,

and these five...

Just five backs to the audience, just doing this...

But you've... I mean, you've...

I remember, I was in an amateur production of West Side Story,

in the eastern suburbs of Sydney,

and I had the role of Tony.

And it's a very high tenor role,

and I'm a baritone, high baritone.

At the time, I could not sing those notes.

And I said, "Guys I can't sing the notes." "You'll be fine."

I said, "But I can't sing it." "You'll be fine."

And every night, I would go out there...

Every night! There were three performances! Every night...

LAUGHTER

..I went out there,

# Maria, Maria, Mari... #

LAUGHTER

And I would go...

Pointing to the sound guy in the wings,

"You've let me down, the mic."

Every night, the sound guy in the wings is like...

LAUGHTER

I couldn't take it.

APPLAUSE

The movie, Darkest Hour.

Fantastic reviews, Joe Wright directed.

It opens here on the 12th January

and it's a very specific time in the war for Winston Churchill.

Yeah. Yeah. It's really five or six weeks, 1940.

Neville Chamberlain has resigned from the premiership.

Churchill steps in.

Um, there are troops in Dunkirk

which, you know, there's fear that we'll lose.

300... In fact, 300,000 soldiers in Dunkirk.

And also, on the table,

is a peace deal with Hitler.

And it deals with not only the crisis in Dunkirk,

but whether we will capitulate and, um...

basically, surrender, and do a deal with Hitler.

So, it's a very specific, a very defining moment...

-A sort of pivotal moment, yeah.

-..in our history,

and also in Churchill's career.

We'll talk about it some more, but let's show people

-just a bit of your transformation into Winston Churchill.

-Yes.

Nothing inglorious in trying to shorten a war

-that we are clearly losing.

-"Losing"?

-Europe is still...

-HE BANGS ON DESK

Europe is lost!

And before our forces are wiped out completely,

now's the time to negotiate

in order to obtain the best conditions possible.

Hitler will not insist on outrageous terms.

He will know his own weaknesses.

-He will be reasonable.

-When will the lesson be learned?

When will the lesson be learned?!

How many more dictators

must be wooed, appeased!

Good God, given immense privileges, before we learn

you cannot reason with a tiger

-when your head is in its mouth!

-CHAIR SCRAPES AND THUDS

APPLAUSE

It is amazing. It is amazing.

And it's...

It's one of the things, cos often, in things like this,

the make-up, the wigs, can get in the way.

-Yeah.

-And it's beautiful.

Well, I think it's...

I would say it's a benchmark in prosthetic make-up.

And would it take hours or...?

The whole thing took four hours.

OK. So, it's the face, it's the fat suit...

And the clothes, and, er...

But the attention to detail -

the cigars, you chose the special cigars.

Well, I did, and I used to smoke.

I don't smoke any more

and I got nicotine poisoning because I was on about 12 a day.

I went through 30,000 of cigars on the sets...

-That's crazy.

-I mean...

-How much are cigars?!

-They're 50 quid a pop.

-You're kidding!

And I would do about 12 of them a day, so I got nicotine...

I basically had a bad stomach

for the three months I was on the show.

We had a Christmas break

and everybody went off and decorated their Christmas trees

and went out shopping. I went and had a colonoscopy.

LAUGHTER

For the man who has everything!

That was my Christmas present!

So, you felt sick every day pretty much, then?

Yeah, just...just it was...

It was just... It was...

I think it was the compression in the suit, dehydration, the cigars,

it was a good... It's a price to pay, but...

Can I just say something, cos I really admired what you said

about Michael Jackson. I would never forgive myself, Gary,

if I don't tell you you are one of the greatest actors

-to have ever lived. You're one of my inspirations.

-Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-ZAC:

-I second that, absolutely.

I mean it.

If you have not seen Darkest Hour,

you will see one of the greatest actors alive

give one of their greatest performances

of one of the great British characters of all time.

-It is astonishing.

-Thank you so much.

APPLAUSE

That means a great deal coming from you.

We've got a selection of special skills on the show tonight,

and, Gary, you've brought us a real treat.

Am I right to say, it's something physical.

-Yes, it's physical.

-It's physical.

I don't know if it's very special!

Do you want to tell us what we're going to watch

or shall we just see it?

Er, it's... Well, yes, it's...

My wife actually recorded it on an iPhone in the trailer

and it's Winston Churchill doing James Brown.

HE GASPS This sounds special.

-It's a new level.

-So, here is Winston Churchill.

This has so many layers!

This is so meta now.

It's Gary Oldman does Winston Churchill doing James Brown.

For the Oscar.

SOUL MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good!

CHEERING

Excellent!

Now, we're about to have our musical performance.

I know, another one!

But before we do, Hugh, I wonder, could you channel,

channel your best PT Barnum.

-Right.

-And give us a sort of recap of some of the talented...

talented people we've met tonight?

We've got you a top hat and a cane, wherever they are.

Oh, here they are. Top hat and a cane.

So, if you go to, kind of, the central ring.

-You've got it.

-You've got it!

-If you go into here.

-Yes.

-OK.

And, you know, do any twirly, caney business, if you want to.

It's a great hat! Thanks, Graham!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-A good start.

Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, here we go.

Where are we? Ladies and gentlemen,

it is New Year's Eve on the world's greatest talk show!

CHEERING

You have been scintillated!

WHOOPING

You have been titillated!

And, dare I say it, you have been, at times, utterly nauseated!

ALL: Whoo!

You've gagged at the mysterious Zac and his sensational spitballs.

You've swayed at the exotic beat of Zendaya's wiggling ears.

Yes! You've thrilled, ladies and gentlemen,

to the savage beauty of the merciless Surannasaurus.

You have trembled at the terrifying power...

..of Mike's Wolverine.

You've marvelled at Winston Churchill

grooving to the Godfather of Soul.

SOUL MUSIC PLAYS

You've watched an old bearded man

drink like a fish and pay no attention to his guests.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, in the end, ladies and gentlemen,

all you really wanted to see was a man spinning on his head.

Take it away, Ash!

Ladies and gentlemen,

all human life is here

on the greatest show in the world!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Hugh! Thank you, Ash!

Thank you, all the talented people!

Excellent!

It is now time for music, and what better way to end the show

than a show-stopping number from this trio of West End divas?

Performing One Night Only, please welcome the fabulous Leading Ladies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# You want all my love and my devotion

# You want my love and soul

# Right on the line

# I have no doubt that I could love you, forever

# The only trouble is

# You really don't have the time

# You've got one night only

# One night only

# That's all you have to spare

# One night only

# Let's not pretend to care

-ALL:

-# One night only

# One night only

# Come on, big baby, come on

# One night only

# We only have till dawn

# You want all my love and my devotion

# You want my love and soul

# Right on the line

# I have no doubt that I could love you forever

# The only trouble is

# You really don't have the time

# You've got one night only

# One night only

# That's all you have to spare

# One night only

# Let's not pretend to care

# You've got one night only

# One night only

# Come on, big baby, come on

# One night only

# We only have till dawn

# We only have till dawn!

# One night only, one night only

# You'll be the only one

# One night only

# Then you have to run

# One night only, one night only

# There's nothing more to say

# One night only

# Words get in the way

# One night only

# Come on, come on

# One night only

# Come on, come on

# One night only

# Come on, come on Come on, come on

# Come on, come on, come on!

# One night only! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh!

Wowzer!

Wow!

The Leading Ladies.

Beverley, Cassidy, Amber, come on over, do!

Oh, stunning!

Whoa!

Thank you so much!

Go and meet everyone on the couch.

-Hello, darling.

-Ciao.

Go and join the couch. Hello, congratulations.

Come and join the couch.

Much whooping, much cheering. ALL GREET EACH OTHER

Marvellous, marvellous, marvellous! THEY CHATTER

GRAHAM LAUGHS

It's New Year's Eve, Graham...!

I know, really. I should have got some Ferrero Rocher!

LAUGHTER

Thank you so much for doing that.

That of, course is, from the album which is out now,

-Songs From The Stage.

-Yes.

-Yes.

Which has done so well, congratulations.

-ALL:

-Thank you.

-I know!

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, hi!

And clever Beverley thought of it.

You thought of it, didn't you? It was your idea.

Well, you know what, you've got some bigging up to give yourself,

-high-five yourself in the mirror.

-Am I getting some kerching?

-Not quite that far!

-OK!

It was right here that I saw Amber perform,

and the idea went, "Bing!"

-So, yeah.

-There you go, wow.

So, that's where it all came from.

And then I saw CJ, and I was like, "Bing!" again.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-We should do something together.

-Yeah.

-So, yeah.

And it's one of those things, it's like One Night Only,

I mean, is this going to be an ongoing thing?

Cos, Amber, you're out of here.

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

-Amber's like, "Bye!"

-It was really lovely, goodbye!

No, we've had so much fun doing it.

-Yeah.

-You know, we're just trying to see, like,

what this album's going to do.

We don't really know what this is exactly.

-No.

-But we know that we like the way that it sounds,

and the way that it feels, and we're having fun.

Well, hopefully this goes on for ages, cos people are loving it.

The Leading Ladies, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's nearly it, but before we go,

we do have time for just a visit to the Big Red Chair.

And as it's Hogmanay, we're looking for stories

with a New Year's resolution or a New Year's theme. So, who's first?

-Hello!

-Hi.

Hi, hi.

Keeping it simple!

He may produce a dove!

OK.

LAUGHTER

So, what's your name?

-My name's Lorne.

-Lorne, lovely.

-And where are you from, Lorne?

-I'm originally from Canada.

-But you live here now?

-I do.

-What do you do?

I run a legal advice centre.

Oh! Posh job! And what's your New Year's resolution?

Not to get pissed on New Year's.

Oh. I think this will be a lot of people's New Year's resolution.

OK, off you go with your story.

So, a few years ago, I decided to bite the bullet

and brave the cold for 12 hours

to experience New Year's Eve in Times Square.

It's about 20 minutes before the big ball drop,

when the guy in front of me wallops me in the face.

I immediately fall to the ground,

but, to my dismay, the guy next to me is peeing into a bottle.

My head hits the bottle, and he pees all over my head.

ALL GROAN

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's...

Can you imagine?!

Can I just say, "To my dismay"?!

Somebody's pissing on your head!

"I am so dismayed!"

I've always wondered how they stand there for that long.

-Like, where does everyone use the rest room?

-Yeah.

A friend of mine was a cop, he works there.

You have to go in at four o'clock, if you want to be near the front,

and you are told as you come in,

you are not allowed to leave to go to the bathroom.

Everyone's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

You know, about eight o'clock, "Everyone's like, I need to go."

"No, we told you." And so, they have to...in bottles.

OK, quickly, we're ignoring the people.

So, who's up next, who's up next?

-Hello!

-Hi, how are you?

-I'm grand, thanks, and yourself?

-I'm good, thank you.

-Good. What's your name?

-Lauren.

Lauren. Are you from...?

-Australia.

-Oh, Australia, OK.

No, no, Australia's good. Do you live here now?

Yeah, I live in London now, I've come from Sydney.

-What do you do, Lauren?

-I'm a corporate affairs assistant.

Honestly, those posh people are out tonight!

New Year's Eve, cool!

All right, what's your New Year's resolution?

My New Year's resolution is to invest in better underwear.

Oooh! Good start to a story, good start to a story!

"I was dismayed to find..."!

Off you go with your story.

So, this is my first public humiliation.

I was blossoming into a voluptuous young woman.

I was very self-conscious about it, my family knew that,

and, obviously, as Australians,

they decided to tease me incessantly.

Anyway, we go away to a beach holiday. We're all in bikinis.

I'm getting teased on the beach for my big boobs.

And I'm in a horrible mood.

We go back to the house to have a shower before dinner.

I go to the bathroom and I see my cousin,

who was a lot more voluptuous than I was,

I see her bikini there.

So, I was like, "Oh, put her bikini on, show everyone,"

and they'll be like, "Oh, we can't tease you any more,

"your boobs aren't that big." So, I put it on, put the towel around me,

strut out to the lounge room where everyone is, whip the towel off,

strut into the room, just stand there with hands on my hips,

and I'm like, "I told you they weren't that big."

And then, there's this weird, shocked silence,

and then they all started screaming, covering their faces.

And I was like, "This is really rude."

And then...

And I look down, and I forgot to put on the bottoms.

ALL ROAR, APPLAUSE

Good story! Good story!

-You can walk, darling.

-Thank you!

That was good.

One more, one more, one more.

This is the last.

-Hello, sir.

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Simon.

-Simon, lovely. And what do you do, Simon?

-I'm an insurance broker.

OK! There had to be one! LAUGHTER

And what's your New Year's resolution?

To get some better friends.

ALL GROAN

Well, we can't flip him now, can we?!

Simon, he's alone.

OK, off you go with your story.

Well, a long time ago I had a bad knee injury playing rugby,

and I needed an operation.

Luckily I had some private health care,

so I had a room to recover in.

Oh, my God!

I was recovering in my own room the day after the operation,

feeling pretty sorry for myself, and a knock on the door,

and it's the surgeon who's operated on me.

He comes in, and he opens up the huge bandage on my left leg,

and said, "OK, well, it's looking good,

"but you need to stay still for an hour or so,

"let the wound breathe, and I'll be back,

"or one of the nurses will be back, to dress it, so just stay put."

So I said, "Fine." So, he leaves,

a couple of minutes later there's a knock on the door.

Round the corner come two of my mates,

clutching a bag of half-eaten grapes,

sporting some grinning faces,

and clutching a pretty graphic porn mag.

ALL: Oh!

So...

It was... No animals, but it was not far short.

So, they see my predicament.

I'm lying there, I can't move, and they don't say a word.

They proceed to take this magazine apart

and stick every picture inside it on my bed, on the window,

on the sheet the nurses will use to check my recovery.

ALL GROAN

And their parting gift was to press the nurse's button.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

That is quite a good story.

It was long. You can walk, walk, walk.

APPLAUSE

Well done, everyone. If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in the Red Chair, you can contact us via the website

at this very address. That is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests, the Leading Ladies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Zac Efron!

Zendaya!

Hugh Jackman!

Suranne Jones!

And Mr Gary Oldman!

CHEERING

We're back on the 12th of January with a very special show

devoted to two of our greatest actors, Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep.

Can't wait! Till then, have a very happy New Year, everybody.

Goodnight and goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE