Episode 12 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening, everyone.

This is Will Smith wishing

you a very Merry Christmas

and saying welcome to

The Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING.

Hello!

Hello!

Oh, you are too kind.

That's so sweet of you.

Hello.

Good evening.

Welcome, everyone.

Merry Christmas!

Yay!

Oh, we are feeling

festive, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

So Christmassy.

Has everyone got their

Christmas trees up?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I'm not the police.

"Yes, we have!"

Can you believe some people

are so stupid they ordered

a tree too big to fit

through their front door?

Yeah.

Theresa, really, measure, measure!

But Theresa May did put a little

decoration on top of that tree.

Yeah.

I imagine she enjoyed ramming

that branch up its arse.

Now, did you all enjoy your

office Christmas parties?

Did you?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I don't remember.

Now, look, I hope you remembered

the golden rule, ladies

and gentlemen, don't have sex

in the office.

Don't.

That's not romantic.

Wait until you're somewhere nice

and cosy and the mood takes

you and pop upstairs.

Yeah, ding ding!

Hey, let's get some guests on.

Later, we'll have music with former

Keane front man Tom Chaplin.

He'll be performing his

new single, Midnight Mass,

a true Christmas treat.

But first, no Christmas

is complete without this man's

festive food and cheer.

Here to talk about his 20th

cookbook, please welcome

award-winning chef and restauranteur

Jamie Oliver!

Hello, sir.

Lovely to see you.

You are very smart.

CHEERING.

She's gone from soap star

to Doctor Who companion and now

she stars as the Queen herself

in the hit series Victoria.

Please welcome Jenna Coleman!

CHEERING.

Very nice.

Jamie, Jenna, Jenna, Jamie.

And he's one of the world's biggest

movie stars and one of our favourite

guests on this show.

It's always a pleasure to welcome

the great Will Smith!

CHEERING.

Yo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Well, hey, Merry

Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I almost wore that same jacket.

Really?

That would have been

so embarrassing.

So embarrassing.

You would have worn

it better, I think.

You look Christmassy, and actually,

the two of you look like you're

going to do something together,

because your tie matches your dress.

We are performing tonight.

Yeah, blending.

I look like the driver.

Where y'all headed tonight?

So, welcome, all.

Are we all ready for Christmas?

Yes, I'm very ready.

So excited, I can't believe it.

Presents and food and stuff.

Yeah, all that good stuff.

We could talk about Christmas

for hours, but I'm distracted

by the makings of a cocktail.

Oh, yes.

Who likes a cocktail

at Christmas, everyone?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Do you love a cocktail?

I'd like a cocktail.

Shall I endeavour?

What have you brought us?

OK, I like to give Britain a little

tip every now and again,

so you need to find yourself

a sheath, right?

Just a minute!

Hold on, I don't know

if I want that drink.

If you go to the really posh

cocktail bars, you get these

incredible ice cubes

that they hand-carve.

Oh, no!

We go get a water bomb and we just

split it and we peel it off

and we get a lovely round...

Bear with me.

This is what they do

in the posh places.

Then we're going to make

a Christmas negroni.

I love this!

APPLAUSE.

I think of myself as

a Christmas negroni.

LAUGHTER.

Oh, God.

Only you could have said that.

I couldn't have got

away with that one.

So, negroni, I want

you to think of it as medicine.

OK.

Every one of us has someone a bit

boring, a bit sort of dodgy coming

to the Christmas party.

There's always one.

So what you do is you take this

negroni, AKA medicine,

and it turns people that are a bit

problematic and boring

into interesting people.

What's going to happen?

Yes!

What's Jamie trying to say?

I don't know.

And he's pouring three drinks.

This is 20 mils of Campari,

20 mils of vermouth rosso,

which we have scented with a little

cinnamon and Christmas fare.

Yes!

And then we have a little

gin, a little bit of

clementine to get you going.

Are you ready for this?

I'm like, come on, man!

Now, once you sip this, if you don't

become more interesting,

I don't know what's going to happen.

It's going.

Lovely.

Pass it down, it's like school.

We have four, we have four.

Cheers.

Merry Christmas!

ALL: Merry Christmas!

This is a bit like A Christmas Carol

and we are Scrooge, because I'm

like, "Merry Christmas, everybody!"

There are 600 Tiny Tims.

OK.

Come on.

So, that is delicious.

The world is changing.

Hold on, I'll be the judge

of whether or not it's delicious.

No, I like that.

It has just enough Christmas in it.

Here's the thing...

No, that's very good.

You want a sip?

Hold on.

Here we go.

I drank from this side,

so you can drink from that side.

You can drink from the other side.

See what you think.

Is this like feeding

a gremlin after midnight?

How's that?

That's good, that's good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

It's good, isn't it?

It's nice.

Yeah.

HE MOUTHS.

LAUGHTER.

Yeah, a Christmas to remember.

That was the Christmas...

Oh.

Jenna Coleman, you have almost

turned into a Christmas

tradition in yourself,

in that you did the Doctor

Who Christmas special,

then Death Comes To Pemberley,

which was on at Christmas,

and this year you have got

the Victoria Christmas special.

Yeah.

Is it weird, because you are at

home, does everybody have to stop

and watch you on telly?

I think my family thought this year

was going to be a break...

And no.

Without a Christmas special.

Do you watch it or do

you kind of Sky Plus it

and then come back to it?

My grandma will always watch it

unless Wimbledon's on,

and then I get Sky Plussed

all of the time.

And then we usually go 50-50,

so you get the drunk games room

and then my grandparents

watching the telly.

Aww.

Or it gets to like the heat

of the moment and Matt Smith

is about to die on Doctor Who and

suddenly my niece Millie

will do a little dance

in front of the telly.

Get out of the way!

I'm going to put this down.

I'll hold that for you, darling.

Absolutely delicious,

but I'm so scared what might happen.

There we go.

Actually, it's hitting me already.

I'm like...

Girl, that's a pretty

dress you've got!

Has that got a little kick to it?

Yeah.

No, it's a glow.

It makes everyone nicer.

Let's start with our first Christmas

treat, Will Smith's movie Bright.

This started streaming

today on Netflix.

It's one of those films, it's

like nothing you've seen before.

It's when genres collide.

But you've got a very good way

of describing it to people.

Yeah, Bright is, it's out today,

that's right, I like that.

How y'all doing here?

LAUGHTER.

No, it's...

Sort of imagine Training Day,

it's Training Day, so it's a sort

of gritty LA cop drama,

so it's like Training Day

meets Lord Of The Rings.

Right?

It sounds like he's making that up.

No.

They are like, oh, Will's stupid.

Imagine that Lord Of The Rings

was 4,000 years ago but all

of the creatures came forward

into the modern day, so it's

a modern-day rough LA cop drama,

but there's orcs and fairies

and elves, as if they've

come in to society.

So it's essentially

about racism, right?

In a really interesting,

bizarre, fun action way.

It takes you about five or ten

minutes to get your head round it.

Yeah.

And then, once you are

in it, you are in it,

and the world is so complete.

Yes, it's really bizarre.

Joel Edgerton plays an orc

and he's the first orc

on the Los Angeles Police

Department.

What's that, an orc?

An orc.

What is it?

Come on, everybody

knows what an orc is!

LAUGHTER.

Now, having said that,

I do know what orcs are,

but what is an orc?

See, Jenna doesn't know either.

Don't know what an orc is.

It's the thing that

Joel Edgerton is in the movie.

Put the picture...

There it is, that's an orc.

That's an orc.

But a lot of them have bigger teeth.

You'll see.

Yes.

It is directed by David Ayer,

who wrote Training Day.

Yes, he wrote Training Day.

He did Suicide Squad,

so he's into that, you know,

really weird stuff.

It's a whole lot better than it's

sounding right now, trust me.

Here's a clip to demonstrate

what we're talking about,

and this is you and Joel Edgerton,

your orc partner,

preparing for a shoot-out.

Running out of patience.

I wish you wouldn't.

Let's give them the wand.

What?

Look, we're going to get everyone

in here killed and he's

going to take the damn wand anyway.

I'm not giving that guy the wand.

Over my dead body.

He's going to have to kill me first.

So you want to die in a gunfight

in a nasty-ass titty bar?

I want to die.

Let's do it right now.

We're going to titty-bar

gunfight die.

Let's do it right here, right now.

I just wish your dumb

ass was a better shot.

Let's go, on three.

Let's do it.

One, two, three.

SCREAMING.

Oh!

I'm sure you are wearing some

make-up in this film...

I know, yeah!

Joel Edgerton's wearing a lot.

It was terrible.

Joel Edgerton, he had four

hours a day in make-up.

So he would do four hours and then

I'd show up like this.

So he would have the four

hours and I'd come on set

and go, hey, all right,

Joel, what's up?

He'd go, mm-hmm.

No.

So I felt bad taking

most of the money.

LAUGHTER.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE.

You've got so many movies

in the pipeline, lots of things

coming out, but I notice still no

sign of the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air

reboot that everyone wants.

CHEERING.

They do!

Man...

Make it for them!

I'd have to be Uncle Phil,

and that I wouldn't like.

Come on, Uncle Phil!

I'm 50.

I can't go out on my own.

No, you did...

You did drive the fans wild,

because you posted this.

Was it a reunion?

So, every year, Karen

has a charitable event,

and she hosts a lunch with the cast

of the Fresh Prince,

so we do that every year,

and it will be ten or 12 people

from around the world

that have one lunch,

so that's in Los Angeles

and the people flew in and we had

the lunch with the fans who gave

the most to charity.

And you mentioned you

would play Uncle Phil.

A weird thing happened.

I think you were in Africa

and you bungee jumped.

I bungee jumped, yes.

Some people filmed this

and then you filmed

the rest, so here you are.

And you are filming yourself

on a GoPro or something.

And people notice that,

if you freeze-frame it at a certain

point, you look remarkably like...

That's crazy, right?

Yes!

You are never bungee jumping again.

Yeah, yeah!

It's all the blood

rushing to my head.

That's really like, who's

going through it frame by frame?

I love it.

Right, Jenna Coleman's Christmas

treat for us is Victoria,

a Christmas special.

It goes out on ITV on Christmas Day

at 9pm, and it's sort of perfect

because so much of our Christmas

came from Victoria,

kind of that period.

Yeah, from Albert really,

so it's before the Christmas tree

was even in England,

so there's a lot of, why on earth

would you bring a forest

into your home for Christmas?

It is an odd thing, but it's lovely.

Yeah, and it was before Christmas

cards were invented,

so you kind of see Christmas

is becoming Christmas

as we now know it.

So, you get that side of it,

you get how they created Christmas,

but there is also this,

and this is true, the story

about her adopting the child.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, Victoria got an unexpected

Christmas gift, which was a young

girl called Sarah Forbes,

who was going to be sacrificed

and then got sent over

to Victoria as a gift,

and Victoria decided to educate her.

This was from Africa?

Yeah.

He was going to sacrifice her

then thought, oh no,

Victoria would love this.

I mean, it was unexpected!

And so difficult to wrap!

There is a line, where she thinks

it is going to be a baby elephant

and then she arrives into the room

and there is complete confusion,

because you are giving me a little

girl and she developed this amazing

relationship with this young girl

throughout her entire

life and educates her,

she becomes part of the court.

Did you know the story?

I had never heard this story.

I had never heard this story.

We are going to watch a clip.

This is you and the girl

and is there anything else you need

to tell us about this?

You didn't sacrifice

her, though, right?

No, no, no.

Because I'm not going to watch that!

She lived a happy life.

Good.

Merry Christmas.

Here you all are in a very

Christmassy scene.

My mother, she taught

me how to skate.

Do you remember?

Yes, I remember.

That is one thing we can

teach Victoria ourselves.

Hi.

No, thank you.

Are you coming?

Would you like to try

skating, Sarah?

No, thank you, your Majesty.

But it's quite safe.

I promise.

Victoria!

Hurry!

We are waiting.

I'm going to stay here with Sarah.

Would you like to build a snowman?

A snowman?

I'll show you.

Awww!

It gets much more exciting!

It does get exciting, yes.

Presumably you didn't

film this in winter?

No.

I mean, because apparently I do

a lot of Christmas specials and I'm

doing Christmas for like six months

of the year.

I've been having

Christmas since July.

Snow business.

Really?

And it's really hard

to improvise in Victorian

language about a snowman,

I've discovered.

Yes, making small talk!

The thing is, you just went

from school to Emmerdale.

You didn't go to drama

school in between.

No.

Straight in?

Yeah, I didn't know

what I was doing.

Because it is one of those weird

jobs were people kind of think,

you learn it and then say it

and that's the end of it, but

there's a lot of technical stuff.

Yeah, there is like,

find your light and you'd be like...

Yeah, there really

is, find your light?

You had a problem with marks

as well, hitting your mark.

I could never hit a mark.

I am a good multitasker,

when you have to...

I mean, throw me a prop

and I'm totally lost,

but it would always be like,

hit your mark and I did a couple

of days on Captain America

and it was the first film I had ever

done and it was like really big

and obviously the setups

are massive and all I remember,

I had obviously not hit my mark

and I remember feeling someone

like slap the bottom of my leg.

You are in my mark, girl!

That's my mark, move!

What was it like, on Doctor Who,

when it was another actor,

it was his first job?

Yeah.

It was his first job out

of drama school and you know

what a sausage is, right?

A sausage?

Yeah.

Like...

LAUGHTER.

Note that she didn't ask me!

I'm jealous!

Yeah.

It's like 11 o'clock.

Do you call it something

different in America?

Unless it's like meat!

Maybe.

Then we probably call it

something different.

There is a big confusion somewhere.

But, still, we call marks that

are raised here a sausage.

Yeah, we don't say

that in the States.

It's called a sausage mark.

A sausage mark.

No, we call them raised marks.

Really?

LAUGHTER.

Interesting.

Anyway, it was this guy's first

day and it was like 11

o'clock and I was like,

we were setting up a shot and I

went, can I get a sausage please?

And, I paid no attention and then

someone came and brought a mark

and this guy was like,

I'm so relieved.

I literally thought

it was like 11 o'clock and time

for Jenna's morning sausage!

Being a diva.

Sausage!

Sausage!

Oh, man, that girl don't

get her 11 o'clock sausage...

We are going to shoot nothing today!

Jamie Oliver, famously,

you were plucked from obscurity,

as a sous chef and then

you got your own series.

I don't think I knew this,

series one, didn't go that well.

Well, not the series.

The programme one.

Not the big whole series of.

LAUGHTER.

Yeah, it was the first one,

I had never actually

wanted to be on telly,

so we did the first show

and it was terrible.

It was really, really bad.

AUDIENCE: AWWWW!

That was me before my face grew

into my lips, all right?

LAUGHTER.

But, no, basically it was

really bad and I think...

It is an interesting lesson to be

learned about mistakes or failure

or however you want to look at it,

because then we went back,

we had to re-budget the programmes

and actually, that is when I started

to look off camera,

talked to the director,

have a conversation,

BE myself, cut the music

to the music of my record

collection, at home,

and then be a bit more

documentary about it,

so really if it hadn't been for that

massive terrible programme that

you have never and will never see...

It has to be there somewhere,

has it not been...?

There is probably some

in the archives, but I've just got

a feeling, that it was shot on tape,

which is terrible and it has

aged badly and also,

there has been a fire

at the production

company that owned it.

That you started!

LAUGHTER.

You know, I am the same,

with the words and the sort of lingo

that goes with filming,

they used to shout, speed!

And I will go, what

is this drug problem?

LAUGHTER.

Check the gate!

We haven't got a gate!

There is no garden!

Now, here is the thing,

the Fresh Prince, that was your

very first acting job.

Yeah.

You had never acted before.

Never acted.

So presumably you did that thing

of just learning on set?

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, that was, I was very,

very focused on being successful,

so I learned the entire script

and I learned everybody else's line

and I knew everything about it and,

if you watch like the first four

or five episodes, you can see, I am

mouthing the other people's line!

Yeah.

I would be, like, if you said no

way, I would be like...

I was like, oh my God!

It's like, people...

Nobody noticed, because

psychologically you're looking

at the person who is talking,

but it is terrible.

I can't bear to watch.

It makes me want to go

back and watch them now.

I know!

Yeah.

Going even further back,

before the acting, before

Fresh Prince, there was music.

There was music, yes.

I was going through my record

collection, only the other day.

Oh no.

Tragedy.

No.

And this, unbelievably,

this is 30 years old.

That is 30 years old.

This is 30 years old.

Wow.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

How old was Will Smith here?

Yeah, I was 18 in that picture.

Like, look at my face,

what am I trying to accomplish?

LAUGHTER.

You want your 11 o'clock sausage,

that's what you want!

LAUGHTER.

You had a hit record

while you were still in high school?

Yeah, in high school.

Yeah.

The single from this album is called

Girls Ain't Nothing But Trouble.

Yeah!

It's not true, it's not true.

But it was the single that came

out in the last month

I was in high school,

so I was a senior and had a record

out for probably about 30 days.

That is too much power

for one man to have!

Didn't they play it at your prom?

That's awkward, though, like,

when you there in a place and, like,

DJs think it is cool,

like if you come in and

they put your song on.

It just makes you look stupid.

You can't be, like...

WOOOOO!

All of a sudden, you've

got to be like, yeah...

And everyone is looking

at you, like,...

Is he going to sing?

Is he gonna sing?

It's an awkward moment.

DJs shouldn't do that.

Very good.

Now, Jamie Oliver's latest

is Five Ingredients,

Quick And Easy Food.

It is out now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

Now...

Yes!

It is the fastest selling book

I have ever done and that just

means it is resonating.

And I am shocked at how

the young kids have got

into it because it is kind

of like cooking by numbers.

It is like, making Lego

or something, you know.

And actually, I even

got jumped on...

Not jumped on, but I got

complimented by like an 80-year-old

woman the other day,

just saying, and she was clearly

a good cook, just saying

that she was using it

and her shopping was easier,

because it was less stuff to buy

and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

OK, so obviously, you could have

made it six ingredients.

Yeah.

Or maybe...

I wrote it for four originally.

OK.

I kind of...

You get back and you look...

Writing a book is quite

an emotional thing for me

for lots of strange reasons.

It is quite a thing.

And I had done a good job on four,

but then I didn't feel I was giving

the British public what they needed,

which was a bit of magic,

so the fifth is the magic number,

you can give it a little bit

of a spank.

Oh!

Oh!

All, you had a little flick

of the wrist, there, Bam!

Bam!

There are your five ingredients,

that is all that you need.

Boom boom boom.

It is so clever.

And that's the 11 o'clock sausage,

right down at the bottom there.

Yes.

LAUGHTER.

A little bit of chorizo in there.

It is smoky.

I have to say, I have overheard

people talking about this book,

people, you would never think,

in a million years,

would be buying a cookbook,

but everyone just believes,

five ingredients,

surely, I could do that?

I think it is in tune

with the public now and the way

we work and we live now.

Have a look.

It is delicious.

You look so handsome!

Thank you very much.

Photoshop!

Do you cook?

Would you ever sit down and cook?

I do now.

Only five ingredients,

I can do that!

Jenna, do you cook?

I...

I...

No.

LAUGHTER.

I'm a hazard cook.

If you have to say I, four times...

I...

I...

I...

No, you don't, you don't.

Can you sign this for me?

I haven't got a pen,

but I could do blood.

For Will Smith...

Actually, I'm good.

We should mention, Jamie's other

holiday fair is Jamie

and Jimmy's Friday Night Feast,

it is next Friday on

Channel 4 at eight pm.

Woooh!

Sorry!

Let's have a look at

a clip, here you go.

You only have to do this, like,

once or twice a year.

You can make a batch and freeze it.

Yeah.

And when you come back,

from a gig, a few prawns...

You think I'm going to do

this when I go home?

I hope so!

Never going to happen, is it?

No.

I'll be doing this, hello,

is that the Thai takeaway?

LAUGHTER.

Four, lemongrass.

And for that...

Ooooh!

We are going to give

it a little spank.

Did you just spank the lemongrass?

Yes.

I did.

That is the name of my

new band, actually.

Not a lot of cooking.

There was a little.

And you do...

you film at the end

of Southend Pier.

Yes.

A mile and a quarter

out to sea, you know,

you guys are coming in next year,

thanks for confirming that.

You did get great guests, though.

We did get great guests,

but historically, it has always been

people that are real foodies,

that is why they would come out,

because it is an hour outside

of London, but it is a different

interview, a different vibe,

to cook with someone

is quite a precious thing,

and you are just sort of tuning

into memories, moments,

and we had a really nice mix

of actors and singers

and all sorts, but this year,

I did get Luke Skywalker,

Mark Hamill.

Yes!

And that was a moment for me,

because obviously he was a big

part of my childhood.

You are a proper Star Wars fan.

I am a proper...

Actually, so is Jimmy,

and we were fighting,

we were trying to get the line in,

and steal each other's lines

to ask the question.

And it was one of the most

brilliant, but one of the hardest

interviews I have ever done,

because he's got so many stories,

like, they are just tangenting

all over the place and me and Jim

were trying to bring it back,

and it wasn't happening,...

And it is like, you can't

get a word in edgewise,

yeah, I know that feels.

If you think, Jamie Oliver

is exaggerating, about how much

of a fan he is of Star Wars,

here is a picture...

This is you, this is Jamie taking

a couple of his kids to school.

Oh yes!

LAUGHTER.

Yeah.

And that is a proper...

Just look how proud Poppy

and Daisy are, they love it.

It is tough being a teenager's dad.

I am trying to get better at it

and I went to parents evening and,

stop being embarrassing,

I'm only breathing!

After that, I'm trying

to calibrate my embarrassingness

and what I felt was appropriate.

I bought that.

That is from Pinewood Studios,

legit mould, massive jostling

around the growler there.

Honestly, credit to the real

Stormtroopers there,

when you run with that,

there is chafing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In America, you would have been

shot for wearing that!

When you wear that,

you do feel powerful.

Really?

Literally, a minute after that,

I walked out into the street

and stopped a bus.

And then, a hilarious thing

is the bus driver is a similar age,

and he's like, I'm stopping.

Not normal.

And then I go, and he

opened the door...

IMPERSONATES BUS DOOR.

Even sounds right!

Have you had any problems

with the rebellion?

He went...

Move on.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.

Science-fiction fans,

they are a different breed of fan,

and you know this, Jenna,

after Doctor Who.

They always own you.

You will always be a part

of that world for them.

Do you still go to the conventions

and comic cons and things?

Yeah, or even, you know,

just around London and someone

will be sat next to you,

and you hear this faint...

SHE HUMS DOCTOR WHO THEME.

It's a whole world I didn't know

existed before Doctor Who.

Didn't you have to sign

somebody's underwear?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I was asked to.

Oh, you refused.

Yeah.

They said, "Bigger on the inside".

Bigger.

It's a Tardis reference.

Have you ever seen Doctor Who?

No, I have not.

It's bigger on the inside.

OK, got it.

It's a line.

I was like, well, that's not fun.

LAUGHTER.

I get it.

Now, talking of science-fiction

classics, it is a year

of anniversaries, 20 years

since the original Men In Black.

Oh, wow.

I know!

20 years, wow.

APPLAUSE.

Well, that's a new movie.

That's a new one, yeah.

When people say lines to you,

it's like, you shouldn't do that.

For the fans, we should like help,

don't walk up to people and say

the line from the movie,

because it's like people

going, "Hey, Will!"

"I'll make this look good!"

I'm like, that's not

how that line goes.

It's just awkward.

Yeah, man, only 73,000

people said that to me.

So it's like, it creates

awkward moments.

We won't do that.

Cancel that idea.

I didn't realise, Steven

Spielberg, he produced it.

Yeah, Steven Spielberg

produced the Men In Blacks.

So the two of you, you would go

to screenings of this film.

Well, that was like,

that was one of my...

I was brand-new, making movies,

I'm excited, so they had what's

called test screenings,

where they show the movie to people

before it comes out,

so I'm going and it's my first test

screening for Men In Black,

I'm excited, and we are in the back

and I'm like, hey, we've got

to go in and get a seat.

And Steven said, no,

you don't get to go in.

I was like, no, I want

to see the movie!

I want to sit right in the centre!

He was like, no, it's

a test screening.

The audience can't know you're here.

If they know you're here,

it will skew their opinion,

they'll clap different,

so they can't know you are here.

After the movie starts,

we'll let it get started and then

we'll go in and sit in the back row.

I was like, who wants to sit

in the back row of a movie theatre?

Those people back there

are pissed right now.

And we sat and I watched

Men In Black with Steven Spielberg

and he explained the movements

of the backs of people's heads.

He was like, you can learn

everything you need to know

from the backs of people's heads

watching the movie.

And we sat and now I can only sit

in the back of the movie theatre.

So it's like, this is the best,

this is going to be awkward,

but you can shoot the back?

Can you do the back of my head?

There must be some camera that

can get on that side.

So there is this one.

Right.

And this is the dreaded...

And then there's this one.

You hate that when you get that one.

And this is the holy grail.

When you have them riveted.

And this is the bottom,

the absolute bottom.

That's the one when it's all bad.

Listen, it is time

for our musical guest.

He rose to fame as the lead singer

of British pop rock band Keane.

Now he brings us a solo

Christmas album.

Performing the single Midnight Mass,

please welcome Tom Chaplin!

CHEERING.

# Down every road we come

# Through driving snow we come

# All running on empty

# But still dying to make it home

# In spite of everything

# To simple truths we cling

# To follow the guiding star

# Of loving our hearts and homes

# So come on,

all ye faithful friends

# Glory to the bitter end

# We're coming up to midnight

# Sing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Hallelujah

# Yeah, come on, all

ye faithful, believe

# Let's sing it out

for Christmas Eve

# Cos it's coming up to midnight

# Sing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Step in, shake off the snow

# Safe in the fireglow

# Raise up our voices

# Send them echoing on and on

# Yeah, come on, all

ye faithful friends

# Glory to the bitter end

# We're coming up to midnight

# Sing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Hallelujah

# Yeah, come on,

all ye faithful, believe

# Let's sing it out

for Christmas Eve

# Cos it's coming up to midnight

# Sing ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Hallelujah

# Down every road we come

# Through driving snow. #

CHEERING.

Beautiful!

Tom Chaplin, thank you so

much, and the choir.

Come on over, Tom.

Beautiful!

So Christmassy.

Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas.

Come and say hi to everybody.

Jamie, Jenna, Will.

All shove up a bit.

There we go.

Very good.

That is gorgeous, Midnight Mass,

and that is off the Christmas album.

Oh, yes.

The 12 Tales Of Christmas.

This is unusual, because it's your

second solo album and you've gone

straight to Christmas.

You know, yeah.

So you obviously love Christmas.

I do love Christmas.

I found it very inspiring

to write about, actually.

It's not your conventional

Christmas album.

I ended up writing

a lot about death.

Yes!

I can imagine, yeah.

Nice and positive.

Yeah!

We would like to hold

on to Christmas.

LAUGHTER.

But I mean, I think Christmas

is a time of reflection,

so it brings up all sorts

of feelings for us, obviously

people that we might

have lost along the way,

but also joy and despair

and drunkenness and anger

and crying on the stairs.

I get that.

Crappy presents we didn't want.

LAUGHTER.

Now, talking of Christmas,

Tom Chaplin, what was the thing?

One year, you got a turkey...

How can a turkey be too big?

Well, we only had a few of us

round and we left it to the last

minute and we ended up

being the idiots going

into the supermarket

on Christmas Eve and there was one

turkey left, that was

for like 18-20 people.

And we cooked it up and obviously

there was loads left and my wife,

bear in mind, was a vegetarian,

strict vegetarian at

the time, so she claimed

she didn't want to eat it.

So, we cooked it, it

didn't get finished,

it got put into the fridge,

out in the shed, and I went back

there, a few days later

and most of it was gone!

And I was thinking,

where has it gone?

And then I discovered my wife...

Having a turkey sandwich!

Has become a meat eater.

She didn't want to murder

this animal in vain,

but actually, it was

just greed, really!

LAUGHTER.

And has she stuck with the meat?

LAUGHTER.

It is kind of like going black,

you never go back!

APPLAUSE.

Thank you, Tom, for putting us

in such a Christmassy mood.

It was really lovely,

and good luck with the album.

Thank you.

Tom Chaplin, everybody!

APPLAUSE.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

OK, that is nearly it,

just time for a visit

to The Big Red Chair.

Hello!

Hi there, gang!

Exactly!

Not tonight, not tonight.

Not that attitude, not in here.

Not in the mood.

Not in Graham's house!

It is not children's television!

What was he thinking?

OK, let's have another one.

Hello!

Hello!

Hi.

What's your name?

Marsha.

Marsha.

Lovely.

And what do you do, Marsha?

Nothing.

OK.

Everyone wants to sit next

to Marsha at dinner!

Have you ever done anything, Marsha?

I have.

You have.

OK.

What did you use to do?

I taught exercise.

Oh yes!

And I have done make up.

Yes.

Raised children.

Yes.

Wow.

Cooked.

Yes.

What more do you want?

APPLAUSE.

That is a full life!

That is a full life, yeah.

I mean, it still doesn't

explain why you do nothing!

Anyway, off you go,

Marsha with your story.

So, many years ago,

I had gone into a very

exclusive clothes shop...

It's not funny!

Yet.

I had gone into a clothes shop,

went to try on some clothes

and there was someone next to me

in the next changing room

and I recognised her.

So, we spent the next half an hour

trying on clothes and we were very

honest with each other and I said

to her, that is really nice

on you and she said,

that's really nice on you and then,

we were totally honest

with each other.

After about half an hour,

she came out of the changing

room and I said, no,

that's really not your colour,

it just doesn't suit you.

And she said to me, this

is what I came in wearing.

That is a good story!

You can walk, you can walk!

That was actually a good story.

That was good.

It had a punch line...

Yeah.

And I didn't see it coming!

Yeah.

I thought she was going

to be a famous person.

I thought she was going to say,

like, Theresa May or something.

Yes!

In a kitten heel.

OK.

One more, one more.

Hello!

Hello!

Hi, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

And what's your name?

It's Gemma.

Gemma, lovely.

And what do you do, Gemma?

I'm a full-time mum.

Oh, how many kids?

Three.

Three, what ages?

18, 14 and 12.

That sounds like trouble.

Yes.

She is in the teeth

of the crocodile right now.

No wonder you came

out for the night!

Off you go with your story.

It was my first ever driving test

and I was extremely nervous.

I was taking the test in my own car,

so I got to the test centre

and the examiner came out

and she checked around the car,

to check it was safe.

She got into the vehicle with me

and she had a little look around,

to check everything was OK.

She noticed that on the front,

there was a little bag

with nuts and bolts in,

which she asked me to remove.

And put in the back of the car.

I picked them up and I swung

them, at what I thought

was in between the seats

and I smashed the poor

lady in the face!

LAUGHTER.

I split her nose.

It was pouring with blood.

And the poor lady was searching

for a tissue for this whole time

and I ended up

reversing into a fence.

During my test.

Awww, bless, you can walk!

Well, that is it, everyone.

If you want to have a go

in the Red Chair, you can contact us

at our website at this very address.

That is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank

you to my guests, Mr Tom Chaplin!

Jamie Oliver!

Jenna Coleman!

And Mr Will Smith!

We will be back here

on New Year's Eve for our Hogmanay

sofa, with Hollywood heart-throbs

Zac Efron and the great

Hugh Jackman.

We will see you after Christmas.

Good night, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.