Episode 14 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening, this is Helen Mirren saying,

welcome to the Graham Norton Show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This programme contains some strong language

Oh!

Ohhhh!

Hello, hello! Oh!

Oh! Oh! You're so kind. Hello, good evening, everybody.

You're very welcome to the show, yes, you are.

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

Now, the weather may be cold, brrr, a bit cold,

but the January holiday adverts have started.

Oh! So excited.

I can't decide which shithole country to visit first!

LAUGHTER

Yes, Donald's in trouble again.

He's alleged to have used that word in reference to

certain foreign countries. Yeah. But it's all cleared up now.

Donald Trump has explained exactly what shithole he was referring to.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

President Trump also released the results

of his medical exam this week.

Trump has been given the all-clear in a medical report.

Yes, apparently, he is glowing with health.

Literally glowing with health.

It's like a nuclear power station.

The doctors did notice a small problem with Trump's artery wall

but the good news is the Mexicans are going to pay for it.

APPLAUSE

Apparently, Ukip leader Henry Bolton has been under pressure

to dump his model girlfriend because of racist texts she sent.

Woo, you know things are bad

if you're too racist for the Ukip leader.

Here are the lovely couple.

Now, as you can see, she is partial to a heavy sweater.

She should go out with Boris!

Let's get some guests on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later, we'll have a song from the winner of BBC Music Sound Of 2018,

Sigrid.

CHEERING

But first, he terrified us in The Fall

and seduced us in Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Now starring in the final part of the trilogy

Fifty Shades Freed, it's Jamie Dornan!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Woo!

They love you, they love you.

Lovely to see you.

Have a seat, have a seat.

And this man's career has spanned over four decades,

starring in films as diverse as Schindler's List

and the action hit Taken. Now he's kicking ass again in The Commuter.

It's the great Liam Neeson!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello, very good to see you.

-Thank you.

Jamie, Liam. Liam, Jamie.

And she is an Oscar-winning star of stage and screen,

a true acting royalty.

Now starring in new Gothic horror Winchester,

it's a warm welcome back to Dame Helen Mirren!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Woo!

Hello. Lovely to see you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Marvellous, marvellous.

-Gosh, here we are again.

-Welcome.

I like that you brought your own drink on. That was good.

-They said I could.

-Please do, please do.

I mean, Liam's brought a flask of tea!

It's a long bus ride.

This is my little security blanket.

He's got sandwiches in a brown paper bag.

-Jamie, you pre-ordered. Well done.

-I did. I've learned my lesson.

Yeah. Now, usually, when I introduce the couch, I say,

"Do you all know each other?"

But, Jamie, you and I are a bit gooseberried

because I think this is the first time we've ever had this.

You guys, you dated at one point.

-Yes.

-Helen and I?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes, darling.

-Yes.

-We didn't date, we lived together.

-We lived together, yeah.

-Oh, wow.

-Oh, yeah.

-Four years.

Yeah, we were a serious item for a while, yeah.

But I remember Ciaran Hinds and myself,

-we did this film Excalibur together in 1980.

-Yeah.

Our first movie for all of us, really.

We were so green and ignorant about filming.

But I remember being out of the set,

this was in Ardmore Studios in Dublin and...

..Helen had a break. She was filming

but she was in costume and we were there just visiting.

We hadn't started work yet.

And the first AD or the second AD said,

"Would you like to meet Helen Mirren?"

I said, "Yeah, I'd love to."

So, she walked from, like, 100 yards away dressed as Morgana Le Fay

and Ciaran's my oldest friend and we both went, "Fuck."

LAUGHTER

You know, I was smitten. I think Ciaran was smitten too.

-I was certainly smitten.

-I never knew that.

You've never told me that before. That's amazing.

-Aw!

-Never told me that before.

-Yeah, very good.

Now, both from Northern Ireland. Do you live really close to each other?

-This is the first time I've met Jamie, tonight.

-Right.

-Yeah, yeah.

-But you're Ballymena.

-Yes.

-And you're Holywood.

-Holywood, yeah.

-With one L.

-With one L.

-That Holywood, not the...

And I'm Ballymena, with two Ls!

-I should know this.

-And Helen's been there too.

-To Ballymena?

Absolutely, yeah. To Liam's house that he grew up in with, how many?

Five sisters?

-Three.

-Three sisters.

-Yes.

She forgets!

In this tiny little house, you know, and these three sisters

and Liam, all 6'4" of him, it was amazing, absolutely amazing.

A wonderful experience.

The Northern Irish accent was just voted

the sexiest accent in the world.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

-That's because of these two guys.

-It probably is, to be fair.

-No, that's not right.

-It couldn't be right.

But, as sexy as it is, I know that, Jamie, your daughter mocks you

-for something.

-She does, yeah.

Mocking me. Really pleased about that!

Just turned four and she's already mocking my accent.

I remember thinking it would be nice if she says the odd word

in an Irish accent but actually she...

There is a book that we read her every night called Bedtime Bear.

And it goes round all these different animals

that come out of places - there's a bison in a basin,

and then there's, um...

-IRISH ACCENT:

-An "oil" in a "toil".

LAUGHTER

And my daughter is sort of like quite posh and English

and she's like, "An owl in a towel."

And then we go, "Say it like Daddy."

And it's amazing what she does, she goes,

"An oil in a toil."

Genius like that, it's very good.

Now, we've got three movies to talk about tonight.

It couldn't be more different. We've got horror, action

and, of course, sex.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Now, Helen's film, Winchester,

it's out on the 2nd of February.

It's a spooky, supernatural film but what makes it stand apart is

this is true, it's a true story.

Well, it's a ghost story and it's a ghost movie,

but it's based on a true...

Certainly, the house exists, it's called the Winchester House.

It was an extraordinary house built by this woman Sarah Winchester

who I am playing who inherited the huge, massive fortune

from the sale of the Winchester rifle.

and the legend was that she was building this

really extraordinary, complex and weird house

where you have stairways that go nowhere,

you have doors in cupboards that lead secretly into other cupboards

that lead into another room.

It's just the most extraordinary place.

And the theory was that she built this to placate the ghosts

of the people who were killed by the Winchester rifle,

-the first repeating rifle ever invented.

-Yes.

Before that, it was having to load the musket

which would take two minutes before you could fire one more shot.

This was a repeating rifle and you could just shoot ten people in a go.

-So...

-Made famous, sorry, darling, by Jimmy Stewart.

-Winchester 73 I think it was called.

-That's right, the movie, yeah.

But it's not just her. People do claim this house is

an incredibly haunted house and full of ghosts.

Well, they do. Whether it is...

I honestly felt, being there,

I don't know if I would have liked to have been there for the night

with only a lighted candle, kind of thing,

but I felt the feeling in the house was one of,

was a nice feeling, it wasn't a nasty feeling.

It wasn't an aggressive, violent...

There was a sweetness about it.

I mean, I do believe houses...

I don't believe in ghosts, incidentally,

except I did think I saw a ghost on my wedding night, funnily enough.

-Oh, yes!

-That's another story.

-It wasn't my husband.

-OK.

It wasn't a sheet shifting!

It was you in a suit of armour.

IRISH ACCENT: "Don't do it, Helen, don't do it."

APPLAUSE

But part of the story is that they're trying to see

if you're mentally fit to run the company.

They're trying to get the company off you.

Yes, exactly. That's the story that we tell.

A psychiatrist is coming because they think she's gone mad,

basically gone nuts,

and they want to wrest control of the company away from her.

Well, this is the clip. It's the psychiatrist played by Jason Clarke

and he's observing you communicating with the spirits.

SHE GASPS AND WHIMPERS

APPLAUSE

Oh!

-Never fails, does it?

-It's good.

Everyone OK? Everyone OK?

Medics!

Mind you, talking of spooky, supernatural things,

I don't know if you've seen this,

this photograph appeared on the internet.

And you'd think, yes, it is a bit spooky. But not completely spooky.

And then you go a little closer. You go a little closer.

OK? And you think, ooh, that is quite spooky.

-Can anyone see what it is yet?

-You have a face?

-There's a face on the knee.

-Let's go a little closer, a little closer.

If you can't see it yet we will help you graphically here.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

It's...

It's Liam Knee-son.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-That's great.

-You're not the only person to show up in unusual places.

Please tell me there's one of me, too.

No, actually, no. Actually, no.

This one, oh, actually, there is one that could be you.

So, someone was making a salad,

just chopping a pepper. They chopped it and then saw...

Can you tell who that is? Do you know who that is?

It looks like a cartoon of, um, er...

Somebody yelling.

No, it's a cartoon of, um...

It's not a cartoon. I'll stop you now.

-OK.

-I'll show you. It is...

Sly?

Well done, you. Particularly in that picture it's him.

-Not really.

-This person kept on chopping,

chose an onion next, chopped up the onion.

That is, of course,

Whoopi Goldberg. There you go.

Then someone was eating a cookie, a very ordinary cookie.

But look who's in the cookie.

It's none other than

Sir Winston Churchill.

Some of them are pretty easy.

-Obviously, this walnut is Chewbacca.

-Yes.

Some of them aren't so easy.

Now, this one, it's some damp on a wall.

This could be you, Jamie, that could be you.

-Well, yes.

-Liam, Helen, me.

It looks like Abraham Lincoln, actually.

That's a nice...

Does anyone want to guess who that's supposed to be?

-David Bowie?

-Robert de Niro.

No, not Robert de Niro. I'll stop it. That is...

-Jean-Claude Van Damme.

-What?

-Jean-Claude Van Damme.

That's a very good guess. But no.

Jean-Claude van Damp!

Funny.

-No, that's supposed to be David Beckham.

-I was about to say it.

-Oh! He was about to say it!

-I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.

I can't see any face in there whatsoever.

There's two eyes, a nose, a mouth, some hair and a lot of damp.

And finally, someone was walking on the streets of Paris

and they noticed the President of the United States.

APPLAUSE

OK.

Liam Neeson's new movie, thrills and spills aplenty,

it's called The Commuter, it's out now.

It is one of those movies that's got it all.

It's got action, suspense, thrills.

It has been described as having a feel of a Hitchcock movie.

Stephen King was very complimentary about it, wasn't he?

Stephen King, it cost me a lot of money!

Yeah, he was very complimentary.

Yeah, it's called The Commuter. I play an insurance salesman...

HE CHUCKLES

It's not funny.

..who gets sacked from his job because he's reached the age of 60.

He's mortgaged up to the hilt, he has a kid about to start college.

He gets on the train to go back - this is set in New York -

to go back to upstate New York to tell his wife,

break the news he has no job.

And he is approached on the train by a very mysterious,

attractive lady played by Vera Farmiga...

-I don't know if you know her.

-Oh, yes.

-A wonderful actor.

..to say, would you do this little thing for a large sum of money?

Which is to find a passenger on this commuter train that doesn't belong.

And you have to find him or her before the train reaches

the final destination.

And this one little thing, would you do it?

My character accepts that, you know.

Of course, it leads to a whole labyrinth

of a huge criminal conspiracy.

And the strange thing is, of course, with movies,

this train, the line that it's based on goes past my house,

upstate New York. I've been on this train maybe 80 times.

You must have thought, oh, how lovely,

this is seven minutes from my house, five minutes from my house.

Exactly. And, for tax reasons, they shot it

on a sound stage in Pinewood.

LAUGHTER

And they built a carriage, a carriage and a half,

-and there's supposed to be seven carriages.

-Beautiful.

-So...

Those scenes when you run the length of the train?

-That took, like, a week to do that.

-LAUGHTER

Because we just had one carriage.

You'd never be out of breath. It was good.

No wonder you looked so fit going down that train.

And the art department slightly changed the carriage

when you go home at night.

So, for three days, you shoot in carriage one.

And then, over the weekend, they'd alter

the seating arrangement slightly for it to be carriage three

for when you get back to work on Monday.

Was there anything out of the windows? Nothing?

-Just green screen, yeah.

-So, that all happened in post...

That all happened afterwards, yeah.

I mean, bearing that in mind, this is phenomenal.

This is you in action. This is you being very annoyed

with a fellow passenger.

-Who are you?

-Calm down.

Why are you following me?

Are you the reason they're searching passengers?

GRUNTING

GASPING AND GRUNTING

-Who are you? What do you know?

-GURGLING

Oh!

It is amazing!

Yeah.

You know, I was once on a train with Liam,

travelling from Dublin to Belfast,

and the amazing thing was that he knew everybody on the train.

I think it's a bit of an Irish thing.

-I'd say it is.

-But it was like, "Oh, hi, how are you?"

"Oh, how are you doing?" "How's your mum?"

"Oh, I saw your auntie, like, three months ago."

Literally, every person on the train he knew.

Jamie, you've a thing, when you go back to Northern Ireland,

-you think people are coming up to talk to you.

-Yeah, they're not.

They want to talk about my dad.

My dad's an obstetrician and gynaecologist from home

and he's delivered over 6,000 babies in Northern Ireland,

which is a tiny place, so, a lot of people...

-Almost every woman knows him.

-Almost every woman knows him.

So, yeah, I'll be at a pub or something

and someone will come up and I'll go, this'll be nice.

A big fan of The Fall or something.

And then they'll be like, can I just say that your dad delivered me?

Is that it? Anything else? No, that's it.

Talking of fans approaching people,

after Taken, obviously, you got a lot of fan attention

and people coming up to you.

Tell us the story about... Were you in a gents or something?

Yeah, it's happened a few times, actually.

You're in a gents and you're doing your business

and someone looks at you and you're up against the wall

and you're doing your business,

and someone starts quoting lines from the film.

You're thinking, fuck, if I hear this one more time.

LAUGHTER

And then they finish and they zip themselves up

and they go, how are you doing?

LAUGHTER

That's the handshake of a man who's also had that happen to him.

I've had arguably worse. I've had a guy in a toilet,

doing the business.

I wasn't doing the business with him.

LAUGHTER

We were peeing at the same time in the toilet.

And he was like...

.."Oh, you're your man!"

I'd say, "Um, your man, yeah."

He goes, "I'd love a picture."

I say, "Do you mind if we just wait...

"..two minutes?" He goes, no, my wife will love it if we get it here.

I go, "No, no."

"No, no, no." Yeah.

Cos actually women are at an advantage, aren't they, because...

-No, we're at a huge disadvantage cos we have to queue.

-Oh.

-Yes.

And the worst thing is to be stuck in the queue, you know,

-wherever, in the airport or in the theatre or wherever it is...

-Yes.

..and you can't go anywhere and you're just stuck there, you know,

and then as word goes down the line that you're there...

You can't say, "Oh, I've changed my mind. I don't need to go."

I do, I changed my mind. I'll go and pee in the alleyway.

Now, Jamie Dornan's film Fifty Shades Freed,

it opens the 9th of February, and this is the third part...

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

With the strapline, "Don't miss the climax".

-They're all here, Jamie, they're all here.

-Yeah.

They're right there.

-We didn't do that on purpose.

-No, I like that. That's good.

They're obviously just very aggressive and fought their way

to the front of the queue.

So, this, I mean, it is a phenomenon, this thing.

-The trailer for this one came out...

-Yeah.

..and within hours, it had been watched by 26 million people,

-the trailer.

-Yeah.

-I mean, that's incredible.

-That's lunacy, that's what that is.

-Yeah, it really is.

And, of course, it must be odd, because you finished this film

a long time ago. You shot at the same time...

Yeah, we shot the second and third back-to-back,

so, you know, over a year and a half ago now since we finished,

so it sort of feels like a bit of a...

-It just feels in the past to me, a wee bit...

-Yeah.

..and we've all done...

I had a very busy schedule up until now,

-so it's kind of weird to be talking about it now.

-Yeah.

But here it is, and people want to see it.

There they are. CHEERING

Yeah, those people. Now, this isn't a spoiler

cos it's in the trailer and everyone's seen the trailer,

so in this one, Anastasia Steele, she's pregnant,

she is with child.

Did you...? Is that not...? Are you not in these scenes?

-Probably...

-I mean, God knows you've had enough sex. I mean...

It was only a matter of time.

She was meant to be, she was meant to be better about that.

Oh, I see. Oh, well...

There was meant to be things in place that meant

-that we didn't have kids.

-Oh, OK.

The other thing that was in the trailer that, oh,

people have gone crazy for this, this is Jamie's James Bond moment,

when he comes from the sea.

CHEERING

It's like we paid you to make these noises.

So you left Vancouver. That isn't Vancouver, is it?

That is definitely not Vancouver, no.

-That's in the south of France.

-Lovely!

-Nice.

-Yeah, lovely.

And, to be honest, we did that right at the end of the shoot,

after, you know, this whole sort of...

..massive journey, and all the stuff in France was jet skiing around

and swimming and mucking about on bikes,

and it was actually a bit of a holiday, to be honest.

But that was horrendous.

I mean, look, if they just tilted the camera down,

that whole moment, it was awful.

We had...

..the beach semi sort of closed off,

but actually there were loads of people on there

that we didn't have control over,

and then there was a beach down here and a big wall

and a street up there with hundreds of fans and paparazzi

and all just trying to get shots,

cos Dakota's wearing a tiny wee bikini and I'm wearing

whatever that clobber is. And so they had this whole thing,

they want me to be sexy coming out of the water

and the whole James Bond thing, but it's not a sand beach.

-It's one of those wee pebble beaches.

-Oh, pebbles!

-"Ow! Ow! Ow!"

-Literally, we've all been there, like,

you cannot look cool coming out of the water like that.

I was literally going, like, "I can't, guys." We did one take

and I was going...

And they were like...

-And all the paparazzi...

-HE MIMICS CAMERA FLASHES

"Guys, we're going to have to change something up here,

-"help me out."

-Yeah.

-So they put down, like, a wee carpet.

That didn't really kind of work.

It was kind of down but they put rocks on it

to try and keep it still. But it wasn't like a platform,

there were still rocks underneath.

And then I ended up wearing those little sort of guppy shoe things.

And it was like... They were like gel shoes.

And no-one in the world has looked sexy in those.

And, actually, I had to see the movie last week to do press for it,

and this whole thing, I mean, they used that as a still,

-but my exit from the thing isn't in the movie.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-That might be a pretty crap spoiler but...

-Yep.

DVD extras, DVD extras.

Let's watch a clip. This is yourself and Anastasia

-discussing your relationship.

-OK.

You do want to have kids someday, right?

Someday, sure.

You don't really sound sure.

You know what I am sure about?

-Hm?

-That's great steak.

Christian...

..do you not want to have kids?

Of course, one day. Just...

..not now.

I'm not ready to share you with anyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know, I have to say,

I loved this guy from The Fall, which is a fantastic series.

I can't watch those films because I made a movie with Dakota's mum

nine years ago, and I used to swing Dakota round...

..at the age of two.

So I just can't...

I can't see her as an adult, so forgive me.

I think I've swung her around a wee bit, too.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-But even though this is the final film...

-Yep.

It's the final film, this is a bit of a spoiler,

sorry to disappoint everyone, you still don't go fully nude.

There's still no fully nude. Even on set you didn't go fully nude.

-It's true, he didn't go fully nude.

-Why are you saying it like that?

I don't know.

-I don't know.

-I think on set I was fully nude

but it wasn't part of the sort of creative process.

Oh, I thought the costume department made sure you were not fully nude.

Oh, I know where you're going.

OK, so I don't know...

I'm sure you guys have had to deal with this.

You get like a modesty patch for a woman,

like a little sort of strip that goes down there,

and for guys you get a wee pouch, like a...

It looks like something Robin Hood would carry coins in.

And it's got, like, a wee drawstring.

And on the first time we had to do a sex scene

in Fifty Shades Of Grey, the first movie, which is, what?

Four or five years ago now and...

..I was saying, "I've never had to wear one of these before," whatever.

And in my trailer they had a little display on a little velvet box

with all of these different pouches for your bits.

-Different colours or different...?

-Yeah. No, all skin toned.

-What, different sizes?

-Different sizes. Different sizes.

Different sizes, you know, from small up to whatever.

So I picked one out and thought, "I suppose I should try this on.

"Locked my trailer door here. Try this on.

"Oh, that feels all right."

And then I took it off and went, "I guess it's all right."

And as I took it off, it had a little stitch on the side that said,

"Inmate number three."

-Ooh.

-And it's clearly been used...

-Eww!

-..in some other film

where, like, some massive, like, prisoner has worn it.

But it was the one I was sort of most attached to so I sort of...

I think I just grinned and beared it, really.

-Ugh!

-You have to grin and bear it.

-You do.

-It's all you can do.

Helen and I had a love scene. I don't think it's in Excalibur.

No, they cut it out. They should put it back in.

-We had a love scene...

-It would be, like, historic now.

And I was in a suit of armour.

-And it was cut out.

-It was cut out.

-Yes.

-And do you remember

there was a huge eagle, they had a big eagle sitting on a perch, too?

-Vaguely remember, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Like a real eagle?

-Yes, yeah.

Was it a real one?

-Yeah, it was a real eagle.

-What, really?!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-But...

-You were obsessed with me at the time.

-I only had eyes for you, Liam.

-You didn't notice the eagle.

-I didn't notice the eagle.

-APPLAUSE

But, Helen, you were then, of course,

were in one of those first kind of mainstream

kind of sexually explicit films, Caligula.

Well, it wasn't really mainstream. I mean, when it came out,

it actually only played in triple-X cinemas,

which is interesting, because now...

And I remember doing an interview at the time, saying,

"Yeah, it's really shocking now but I'm pretty sure that

"in 20 or 30 years' time,

"they'll be showing this kind of stuff on television."

-Yeah.

-And I was absolutely right,

because you look at what's on television now.

But, yeah, at the time, Caligula was out there, yeah.

And is it true that this was the movie

that your mother chose to visit the set?

My mum did visit the set - she did, absolutely.

It was the kind of set where, if you had clothes on,

it was a little bit embarrassing,

because nobody had any clothes on at all.

Little, maybe little wisps of see-through blue silk or something.

And I remember my mum sitting there

and she chatted, as you know, Liam, easily to anyone.

And she was sitting on the set with these two enormous golden penises.

It was ancient Rome.

And she's sitting there on her little chair

and one of the extras, very sweetly, completely naked

except from a little bit of blue stuff,

came and sat next to her, and she was just chatting away to him.

"So, what do you do?" You know?

"Oh, you're an extra. What is an extra?

"What do they do?"

What was she wearing?

Oh, she was wearing, you know, a nice...English lady's outfit.

I can't remember what she was wearing!

Probably a knitted sweater from Marks & Spencer or something.

-Proper.

-Yeah, very proper.

Now, obviously, three sex symbols on our couch tonight -

but, Jamie Dornan,

oddly you arrived at sex symbol status quite late in life.

-I did.

-Yes.

So, tell us the story about... I think you were...

What were you? About 15?

This is one of the worst stories in my locker.

-Unpack it.

-Big debates about whether I should tell it, but fuck it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

When I was... It actually had a big effect on me as a kid -

it has a big effect on, I'm sure, lots of kids -

but I was very sporty when I was a kid, but I was a late developer.

I was small, I wasn't very hairy,

just one of those guys who was a bit behind,

and I was young for my year, and it had a big effect on me.

Anyway...

I was sort of balancing playing rugby at school

and doing a bit of amateur dramatics on the side,

and it all culminated in we got to the final -

Liam will know this - of the Medallion Shield,

which, when you're 15, is the biggest thing that could happen,

and I went to a school called Methody,

and we were playing against our main rivals

at Ravenhill, which is Ulster's ground -

and it was such a massive thing,

there was going to be a big party afterwards...

..but also, that same night,

befell the All Ireland final of the Amateur Dramatic Society

where I was performing Chekhov's The Cherry Orchard

and I think I was a waiter or something -

I was on stage a lot, but didn't really have any lines,

didn't have anything to say.

And I thought, "Right, I will be able to go, play rugby,

"hopefully win that and then go and do the play

"and then go to the party for the rugby afterwards."

Now, at 15 I looked about seven.

I had no hair or anything.

Anyway, in the play, they had given me

this sort of black, very highly flammable wig

that they used to cut off and Uhu to my face

to give me a beard, to give me the appearance I was older.

So I thought it would be a good idea...

LAUGHTER

..after the curtain came down on this play,

and I'm going to this party after,

and, you know, I might meet a girl and maybe she drops a hand...

LAUGHTER

So I had the idea to maybe cut off some extra hair off the very...

By the way, I was a very fair child, I had blond hair.

So I went into the dressing room

and I went into like the toilets and cut off all this very curly...

..jet, jet black hair,

and put it in a wee pile and got my Uhu glue and just...

..put it around there.

Stuffed it in. I remember standing in front of the mirror

and going, "That looks all right."

Just the lengths you go to.

Obviously, I went to the party.

I think I kissed a girl, urging her to sort of...without forcing her...

..urging her to sort of go down,

cos on this one... for one night only...

..it was actually quite an impressive place to put your hand.

Anyway, that didn't happen - and, actually, thank God it didn't,

because I got home and it was a car crash down there.

It was an absolute car crash.

Was the removal painful?

I'll tell you why the removal was so painful, physically and emotionally.

I did actually have about three pubes...

-..naturally developed pubes.

-Mm, mm.

-They went as soon as I...

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

-What a lovely image.

-Yeah. Yeah, it was bad!

Thank you. Thank you for that story.

Welcome to the world of waxing.

Yeah, I know, right? Yeah.

Right, it's music time.

It is, it's music time.

This singer-songwriter is one of the most exciting pop stars

at the moment and has just won BBC Music Sound Of 2018.

Here performing her newest hit Strangers, please welcome Sigrid.

APPLAUSE

# Just like in the movies

# It starts to rain and we

# We're the broken beauties

# Blindfolded minds collide

# And we fall

# When the curtain drops

# Our touch is just a touch

# Not like in the movies

# Our story's after the end

# Like strangers

# Perfect pretenders

# We're falling head over heels for something that ain't real

# It could never be us

# Hey, just you and I

# Strangers

# Perfect pretenders

# We're falling head over heels for something that ain't real

# It could never be us

# Hey, just you and I

# Memories in photos

# Too easy to rewrite

# Left as lonely shadows

# Holding each other tight

# And we fall

# When the curtain drops

# Our touch is just a touch

# Not like in the movies

# Our story's after the end

# Like strangers

# Perfect pretenders

# We're falling head over heels for something that ain't real

# It could never be us

# Hey, just you and I

# Think we got it but we made up a dream

# Cos we got a pretty look of what we could be

# I don't want you All you want is someone

# Going home together to forget we're alone

# Think we got it but we made up a dream

# Cos we got a pretty look of what we could be

# I don't want you All you want is someone

# Going home together to forget we're alone

# You and I, you and I, you and I you and I, you and I, you and I

# Not like in the movies

# You and I, you and I, you and I you and I, you and I, you and I

# Not like in the movies

# Like strangers

# Perfect pretenders

# We're falling head over heels for something that ain't real

# It could never be us

# Hey, just you and I

# Strangers

# Perfect pretenders

# We're falling head over heels for something that ain't real

# It could never be us

# Hey, just you and I

# Think we got it but we made up a dream

# Cos we got a pretty look of what we could be

# I don't want you All you want is someone

# Going home together to forget we're alone

# Think we got it but we made up a dream

# Cos we got a pretty look of what we could be

# I don't want you All you want is someone

# Going home together to forget we're alone. #

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sigrid, everybody!

Brilliant, brilliant.

Come on over here.

-Oh! That was phenomenal.

-Thank you.

Thank you so much!

Come and meet the others.

Jamie, Liam, Helen, this is Sigrid.

APPLAUSE

-HELEN:

-You were brilliant, fantastic.

-We love that.

Just to watch you come out and go, bash, just do that,

it was wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

That's Strangers - that single is out now.

But we must talk about the wonderful prize, the BBC Music Sound Of 2018 -

and this is a big deal.

-I mean, it is.

-Yeah, you know...

-Yeah, it's quite cool.

-Yeah!

Well, no, because Sam Smith has won it, 50 Cent, Adele.

Adele plays a part in your story somehow.

Well, yes.

So, Adele is probably one of my favourite artists,

and I think the chorus of Rolling In The Deep,

the vocal hook in that one,

is probably the biggest reason for me making pop music.

-I think so, yeah.

-OK!

-I'm a huge fan!

So you heard that and thought, "I'll have a bit of that."

-Well...

-Yes.

-Yeah, it's cool.

-Yeah - and this year

is going to be a huge year for you, isn't it?

-A lot of travelling, yeah, it's very exciting.

-Yeah.

Are you kind of focusing on Europe? Are you in America, as well?

-Um, we're trying to do, like, all over.

-Yeah!

Yeah, it's really cool - I'm going to Australia for the first time.

Hopefully I will see some kangaroos,

-that is like one of my dreams, that would be cool.

-You will.

-Dream bigger.

-Yeah?!

-HELEN:

-Most will be dead, unfortunately.

Knocked over by cars.

-Roadkill, essentially.

-Roadkill.

-Don't forget to eat...

-Eat.

-..and get your rest.

Yeah, no - thank you. Oh, yeah.

There you go.

I'm going home tomorrow, actually.

Sigrid, there's time for that.

Don't... LAUGHTER

When you're 35 you can start eating well and resting.

Until then, just go wild, yeah.

Listen, I'm so thrilled for you, that's a beautiful song.

If the album is as good, it's going to be great -

and congratulations on the award.

-Sigrid, everybody.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

That is nearly it for tonight, but before we go,

time for a visit to that big red chair.

Who's there? Hi, what's your name?

-I'm Jamie.

-Jamie, lovely.

-Where are you from, Jamie?

-I'm from Australia.

-Oh!

He's from Australia.

-Oh, yes!

-You must swap numbers.

You can stay in his house.

Do you work at the moment?

-No, I'm on holiday.

-Oh, you're on actual holiday?

-Yeah.

-What do you do back in Australia?

-I am a film student.

-So...

-Oh, wow!

-I'll keep you three in mind.

LAUGHTER

What are we? Chopped liver, Sigrid?

Off you go with your story, Jamie.

All right, so this is my fifth birthday,

everyone's given me some presents,

my dad's shitting himself because he's forgotten to get me a present,

so, thinking on his feet, he looks out the window and sees a pigeon.

So he brings me over to the window,

points to the pigeon and tells me that is my pigeon.

So, being five, I believe every word of it.

So - but everyone else is like, "What are you doing?"

but I'm very happy with this pigeon,

and so they kept up his lie for six years,

and every time we were out and about when we saw a pigeon,

that was my pigeon.

Oh, very cute! You can walk.

APPLAUSE

-He doesn't sound very Australian, though.

-No, he doesn't.

-He doesn't sound Australian.

-Very posh.

Yeah, quite a posh Australian.

-That was a pigeon on their estate.

-Yes!

OK, let's have another one. Hello.

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-Isabel.

-Isabel, lovely.

-And where are you from?

-I'm from Devon, but I'm living in London.

-Are you?

-Yes.

-Ooh!

-And what do you do in London, Isabel?

-I'm a student.

-Of?

-French and history.

-French and history.

-Both of those.

-Bonjour, Madame.

-Why do one?!

Yeah, no - really, very good.

And what do you want to do when you graduate?

LAUGHTER

Sorry, that was a silly question.

I'm a fool.

Don't know!

Your parents have just thrown the television out the window.

Yeah!

Yeah.

I won't press you.

Off you go with your story.

OK, so I was very hungover one morning,

and I had a very early shift at a fast food kind of place.

So I was quickly getting ready, I put my jeans on,

I heard some funny sound, I thought, "Oh, it'll just be my zip."

I did my usual 30-minute commute.

So, I get into work, and my co-worker just goes to me,

"Izzie, you know you've got a hole in your trousers?"

I was like, "Yeah, yeah, it's just small."

He goes, "No, no, Izzie, you've got a hole."

I put my hand down and all I can feel is bare skin,

because my trousers have ripped from my arse

all the way down my thigh and I was standing there butt naked

in front of everyone in the kitchen,

all my co-workers and everyone in the restaurant.

So I completely panicked,

I ran into the kitchen to try and go back upstairs

but I walked into the grill

-so I burn the entire of my bum on the hot grill...

-Ooh!

..trying to escape without any trousers on

and had to spend the rest of the day in chef's trousers.

Oh... Shall we walk for that?

-You can walk, if you can.

-Yeah.

Yes, there you go.

APPLAUSE

Yes - her shift manager would most probably be,

"Put a hairnet on that."

Shall we have another one?

One more, yeah, go on, squeeze one more in.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Angus.

Angus, lovely - and what do you do, Angus?

-Er, sales.

-Sales.

-Yeah.

OK, he's not pushing it right now.

What sort of things do you sell?

-Er, gyms.

-Gyms? You sell gym equipment or actual gyms?

Neither, really.

This was a mistake, a terrible mistake.

Well done, everyone!

If you would like to join us on the show

and have a go on the red chair you can contact us

via our website at this very address.

And that is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to all my guests.

Sigrid...

APPLAUSE

..Jamie Dornan... APPLAUSE

..Liam Neeson... APPLAUSE

..and Dame Helen Mirren.

APPLAUSE

Do join me next week with singer Paloma Faith,

actors Simon Pegg and Rebecca Ferguson,

Superman Henry Cavill

-and Hollywood megastar Tom Cruise. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I'll see you then - good night, everybody, goodbye!

APPLAUSE