Episode 16 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains

some strong language.

Hey, everybody - this

is Cuba Gooding Jr saying,

"Welcome to the Graham Norton Show!"

Hello and welcome to the show.

Oh, that lovely sound! So lovely!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, all.

We've got some great

guests on tonight.

We'll be chattering away like killer

whales that have just

learnt how to speak.

Did you see that?

Wikie the killer whale lives in one

of those marine parks and they've

taught her to speak through the hole

in the top of her head.

This is news, yeah.

Wikie can just say simple

things at the moment,

like "hello", "goodbye" and,

"For the love of God,

please release me

back into the wild".

On the subject of blubbery creatures

talking through their blow-hole,

Donald Trump gave his State

of the Union speech this week.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

That was all just so I could say

that!

It lasted one hour and 20 minutes.

That's quite a long time

to say, "We're screwed".

Melania was at the speech

and looked amazing.

Put a pointy white hat on and that'd

be Donald's favourite outfit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

Meanwhile this week Theresa May has

been visiting China.

She's so lucky!

That's her with the

Chinese President.

Apparently he asked

Theresa two questions -

"What's your name?"

and "How long will you

be Prime Minister?"

And oddly, the answer to

both those questions was "May".

LAUGHTER

That's clever, that.

Let's get some guests on!

Later we'll have music

from chart-topping

singer-songwriter George Ezra!

APPLAUSE

But first, this seven-time Grammy

award-winner and founding member

of the Black Eyed Peas

is a musician, entrepreneur,

producer and now author -

please welcome will.i.am!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Good to see you. There, there.

Lovely. Go ahead.

For over three decades,

this British star has

conquered stage and screen,

and was Oscar-nominated

for her role as Vera Drake.

Now she brings us a new Brit-flick,

Finding Your Feet.

Please welcome, for the first time,

Imelda Staunton!

CHEERING

Look at you! Hello, Imelda.

And this Oscar-winning star has

thrilled on the big screen,

most recently gripped us as OJ

Simpson and now he's giving us

the old razzle-dazzle in Chicago.

Welcome back,

Cuba Gooding Jr!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE DROWNED SPEECH.

CHEERING

While!

While!

I racked my ghetto brains

when I got out here.

Lovely to see

you all. You've never been here,

Imelda. Is that...? I thought that

was an evening purse.

No, it's soda

bread. I made it today. I made this

morning and I'm Irish, my parents

are Irish, and I thought I would cut

you a corner.

That so quite a few!

Thank you very much! -- so kind of

you. I'll just check it is soda

bread. It looks like a giant drug

deal otherwise. We smuggled it in

plain sight.

That brings up my gift.

And you wrapped it in grease-proof

and everything. Look at that! Oh,

that's lovely. I feel like Mary

Berry. It's a nice bit of whatever

that is.

It's my second one this

week. I've never made it before, and

it's my second one.

LAUGHTER

It's nice, a fine crumb. Is that

what you say?

Put on those of butter

and it will be gorgeous.

That's so

quite of you.

It cost £4.80.

Cuba,

we last saw you in The People v OJ

Simpson. Congratulations.

That was

good!

You did really well at the

Golden Globes. You are and

afterwards you celebrated a little

bit. You enjoyed a drink and... And

a bit of dancing...

a bit of dancing... And what says

great night out other than...

Kentucky fried chicken! I knew it!

The scariest round applause I've

ever had. What was that? And you

know it so funny, you are backstage

after an awards show, and you with

friends in the VIP and nobody has

cameras because everybody has

security, so you doing goofy stuff

back there...

back there... Marlon put it on

Twitter the next day and was like,

Cuba Gooding Jr, finger licking Cuba

good!

good! It isn't, it is! Life is about

moderation, including moderation

itself.

Oh.

LAUGHTER

Here's a thing, and I right in

thinking there is a lot less

will.i.am to love than previously?

Yes, so I lost almost 20lb.

APPLAUSE

I know! I'm surprised you lost that

much. I don't remember you being

that big.

No, I'd just lay up, I'd

wear a bunch of stuff, the hats, and

I'd have a big brim hat to let me

know that I'm a little plump. The

bigger the hat, the smaller the

face. So I stopped eating so, if it

has a face, I don't taste it. If it

has eyes, I don't eat it. I am just

plant -based, no dairy, no milk.

Just plant like rabbits.

Rabbits?!

Rabbit food.

Oh, I see, because

rabbits have eyes and feet and

everything. I'm thinking, apart from

rabbits.

rabbits. For your last solo single,

Fire, you went to a great cultural

British eyed column, to the cobbles

of Weatherfield. -- reddish icon.

Coronation Street.

Coronation Street. It is Coronation

Street. So you went there. Is that

you?

Yeah.

The Rovers return looks

quite different in your video.

I've

got a big fat! I'm over 200lb. -- a

big fat.

And then you go outside and

the cobbles are actually on fire.

I

was in a chair and Tom Jones said, I

said fire, and Tom Jones with a

Welsh accent said the same, and I

was like, yeah. So I wrote a song

about fire.

If you say something,

Imelda, you might be in a song.

Gosh!

Gosh!

Talking of songs, Cuba Gooding

Jr, you are taking to the west end

stage in Chicago.

CHEERING

It's a big return to the west end,

the 26th of March at the Phoenix

Theatre in London. Remind people who

Billy Flynn is in the musical.

If

you've seen the musical, which is in

its 20th year of production around

the UK, States, even Japan, I think,

he plays a criminal defence attorney

representing women on death row who

have tested their mates and been put

there because of murder and other

charges. -- who have bested.

And how

did this happen?

What the hell! I

was on Broadway in 2013 in a

production and it was one of those

things, I started on stage, and once

I stepped back on stage, I

remembered this was truly home for

me as an actor. If you think of

every role that has probably been

affected people most in my career,

from the last one, OJ Simpson, to

Boyz N The Hood, Radio, it's always

characters I am scared to death to

do, and here was another opportunity

which scared the hell out of me, to

do a musical, even though I come

from a musical background, it's one

of those things... It's what keeps

me, the intensity.

How's it going?

Will you be ready?

I'm ready now,

baby.

What are the big numbers?

I

have three big songs. Or I Care

About Is Love, Razzle-dazzle, And

Another One.

Could you give us a bit

of one? Which would you like?

#

I don't care about expensive

things, cashmere coats, diamond

rings, don't mean a thing

#

All I care about is love, that's

what I'm here for.

CHEERING

And I have this one big...

CHEERING

Towards the end of the song, and I'm

not even really warmed up yet, don't

judge me on my voice, but I think...

#

All I care about is love!

CHEERING

And I get the other co-stars and the

women and it's very sexy. It's very

sexy. When they said, you've done

Broadway, come to the West End, the

tears were flowing, because this is

Shakespeare, this is... I was very

excited.

You were saying you came

from a musical background, because

your dad was in a band and they had

hits. I've got a picture of... Is

that him in the middle? And then

your mum was in a band, what name?

The Sweethearts. That group

headlined at the Apollo theatre. And

the opening act for her was a little

group called the Supremes, with

Diana Ross. Mum used to tell the

story, when I got pregnant and my

sister got pregnant, we had to

disband and the Supremes took our

spot!

Beside you is Imelda Staunton,

who has starred in so many musicals,

a huge amount. But Gypsy, that is

proper heavy lifting.

It is.

And you

prepare and prepare but there are

some things you can't prepare for.

When you went on one night?

I get

back show for eight months.

Eight

shows a week...

Yes, eight months.

And my character, a mother from

hell.

My character, the showbiz mother

from hell, and I start at the back

of the auditorium and the kids

are on stage and they

are starting the show

and I'm immortal, Sing out,

Louise!

I got dressed in the dressing room.

I got the dress, coat,

hat and also she has a little dog,

a real dog and I'm standing

at the back and my coat

was a bit uncomfortable

and I thought, never mind.

And as soon as I started

speaking and walking down

the aisle, I thought,

there is something in my...

Ah!

That's the mouse.

There was a mouse walking up my arm

up the inside of my coat.

As part of the play?

No.

My coat was lying in the dressing

room and it had crawled

into the arm of my coat,

all lovely, lovely, snuggly, lovely

and suddenly shouty woman,

put the coat on and the mouse went

Jesus!

And it started walking

up my arm and I was like,

sit down, sit down Louise!

Come on!

Talky talky all the way up

onto the stage, Mousey up here,

talky, talky, and I start singing...

# Some people...

Mousey, Mousey...

All the way back and then

I started to do a lot of...

Trying to get it to jump out.

I thought if I do that,

mouse will fly...

Mouse didn't do that.

Clinging in there.

Obviously.

And then at the end of the scene,

I came out and said I had a mouse!

I had a mouse!

I saw that mouse.

"It came down at the back

and just ran off."

All the people in the company...

You can't stop.

You see, there is a lesson

there, Cuba, a lesson.

Check your trousers, mate.

Oh, there is so much to say!

Will.i.am, you got into music, as a

form of escape?

Music got into me.

OK!

OK!

I'm 12 years old. My mum had a

double cassette deck and a record

player and I would take my favourite

parts of the record and recorded

down here and then loop it and then

take that over there and take the

headphones and plug it into the

microphone, then saying over that. I

don't know what told me to do

that...

How old were you when you

missed out on being in one of the

most iconic dance videos of all

time?

There were two times. They

were

were filming Electric Boogaloo at a

gym near my house and they came to

my door, they are filming a movie up

the street!

the street! Tell your mum! Mum! Can

I go and shoot a movie? What movie?

You ain't shooting no movie? I said

it is break dancing! She said no.

She was like, you will sit your butt

over here on this couch. It was sub

break, maybe my report card was not

good. A year later, or the year

before...

At a different time.

They

came knocking on my door, the same

person. Michael Jackson is over

their shooting Thriller in the a la

ways.

ways. Over by the alleyways, Michael

Jackson was shooting Thriller and I

said, please, mum, and she said boy

you ain't going in no alleyway with

Jackson!

APPLAUSE. -- with Michael Jackson.

Talking about musicals, we have an

adorable picture. Is this your first

ever job, Imelda? This is

ever job, Imelda? This is you end

Guys and Dolls. No sign of Europe

mouse!

mouse!

-- no sign of Europe mouse.

Not from that angle!

This was

lovely, you found love in the show.

I met my husband in that show, 1982,

Guys and Dolls, I was the smallest

and he was the tallest. We got

together then.

It was fantastic.

Breaking all showbiz moles, still

together.

Yes. A lot of people know

him as Carson from Downton Abbey.

Has that blighted your life now?

Totally! Not at all, it has been

fantastic.

When you went on holiday,

presumably you cannot get away from

that.

We thought we had and we went

to New Zealand last year.

For five

weeks. They are always here.

weeks. They are always here.

People

recognised us and asked for

pictures. And we made it into the

newspaper, the front page but we

were not off... We were down at the

bottom, nice people from England are

here. The headline was triplets were

happy to go back to school!

They

took the big picture. Education is

very important. Imelda Staunton has

a new movie called Finding Your

Feet. It is a comedy, it has got

romance, but it has got so much

heart.

Tell us about it. It is about

me! No, no. A woman whose husband is

retiring, they will have a lovely

retirement and go on a cruise and

she finds out that he has been

playing around. Can you imagine? So,

she walks out and goes to live with

her rather bohemian sister, my

character is quite uptight and she

lives with her sister played by

Celia Imrie. She tells her to let go

and enjoy yourself. No, I cannot do

that. This is about her journey, my

character, how you have a life after

a failed marriage and how you have a

midlife that should have some life

and fun and maybe love, I don't

know, but just to be able to enjoy

yourself and think, I am this age,

that is it. I think it gives... The

film and the story gives a lot of

pleasure and there is me, there is

Timothy Spall, we were at drama

school together, we have known each

other a long time and I have known

Celia Imrie since 1978. That made it

quite easy to be friends, and we

play sisters and that made it very

easy.

It is very nice, you're

filming with friends and it is on

location, was it hard to be away

from home?

The travel, which was for

me, ten minutes,... It was a

nightmare, Graham! I thought, why am

I doing this job. Because it is up

the road!

That is glorious, it does

not happen. That must be the nicest

thing in the world.

They had not

done before, it was so exciting to

go up the road.

Usually you travel

far.

If you do theatre, you travel

every day.

I look forward to it! It

is such good fun!

is such good fun! I have to say,

presumably people recognise you and

Joanna Lumley.

Yes, there was a

scene we were filming in Leicester

Square. I am here but the camera is

over there filming us. Then the

theatre, the audience started to

come out. A couple of friends, came

over, hello, Imelda! Keep walking, I

am filming.

am filming. That was one of the

drawbacks.

We have got a clip, this

is you and your sister played by

Celia Imrie and you're having a

moment of catharsis.

Yes. No wonder

you stuck it out for so long, you

must have barely seen one another.

What is with all this silverware? It

is like a bloody Strine!

I used to

spend hours polishing those. And I

think... Yes, from that tournament

on, he was sleeping with her.

Well,

he doesn't deserve any prizes for

that!

that!

, and, your turn!

I can't.

Just do it! Go on, Sandra, give it

to him!

to him! How does that make you feel?

I was going to say better than sex

but it has been so long, forgotten

what it was like!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Very good.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr

will.i.am, you have done so many

other things, entrepreneur,

producer, singer, you are now a

novelist, ladies and gentlemen! He

has written a novel. Wizards and

Robots. It is clever.

Tell people

about it. Wizards and Robots is a

collaboration with me and Brian

David Johnson, we were both in the

Futurist department at Intel and the

whole premise of the Futurist

department is to consult on how to

bring new chipsets and technologies

to popular culture, so artificial

intelligence to make is still

exciting and this book is about this

race of robots that are being

attacked, in the year 3000, that

need to find a way to help solve

their problems. So, whenever a

species, and intelligence PCs cannot

solve its problems, in praise to God

and in this case, the god to a robot

is a human. And the rest, you have

to check that the book, it's really

good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. It is out

now. You can buy it already. What

sort of age would you need to be?

That is a young adult's novel. We

have been working on that for six

years.

A lot of it, obviously there

is fantasy in it, but the historical

bits are based...

It is all

plausible science. Even the past

bits. If you think about wizards,

you have been in Harry Potter and

stuff like that, you can sit there

and say, that is fake, you can say,

a Ladin is fake with the genie in

the bottle or you can go out and

buy, Seery or Alexa Right now, you

talk to something, say a magic world

and outcome results. 20 years ago,

that was fictitious and fake, that

is real now. A lot of the things

that you see, they are just a

product away from becoming real,

especially with artificial

intelligence.

In the book, time

travel plays an important part. Do

you genuinely believe that time

travel is possible?

Word you think

I'd is came from?

LAUGHTER. I did wonder why you were

late! You really need to upgrade

that machine!

that machine!

Anyone from the future

is not late, they are early!

OK! I

guess it is how you look at it.

Can

I get something a little harder?

Because you love an opportunity, you

are always thinking about the next

thing, could this be a film?

She has

wizard form. Am I the future? That

is all I need to know.

Being in

Harry Potter, has that made you,

children, that is your fan base?

Yeah. Not fan base. I have to... I

am not a very nice sort of person in

Harry Potter so when I am recognise,

kids have two get frightened and I

have to reassure them... Or not? I

get more fun out of that.

Parents

must appreciate it! That will shut

them up!

You're in this showbiz world.

You've worked with all these amazing

people and yet you don't seem

that bothered by it.

Like when you were nominated

for an Oscar, did you go?

Yes.

But I reckon I was the only

person in the limousine

going to the Oscars with sandwiches.

LAUGHTER.

Oh, yeah.

I thought...

Apparently it's a really long

journey to the Oscars.

So I said, right, I've

got to get sandwiches.

I couldn't make the bread,

but I thought, OK.

There was myself and Jim

and my daughter and I had a mate

with me and I had ordered

the sandwiches and we had them

and I thought, let's get

the sandwiches out now,

because it's taking ages

and I had the sandwiches

and it was like, we're here.

Sorry?

And I was...

Ham, ham, ham!

Ham in my teeth!

Ham in my teeth!

Checking my teeth.

But we weren't hungry and I had

a bag full of snacks.

I thought, oh God, how

English of me, just to go,

what about the food?

My daughter was 11 at

the time and I thought,

I can't have her hungry!

I can't have her sitting

there starving!

She went with you?

Yes, she did, it was lovely,

it was absolutely great.

One of the things, once

it is someone else's name called

out, you then kind of rewrite

history and you thought, of course,

I was never going to win,

it was always going to be them.

But a bit of you has to think,

somebody has got to win it!

It might be me.

Yeah.

Well, I sort of knew...

You don't literally know,

you've got an Oscar, I'm not bitter.

LAUGHTER.

APPLAUSE.

Talk them down.

Talk them down.

Talk it down.

Stupid Oscars!

Oh for goodness' sake!

But my film was quite

a contentious film.

I played an abortionist,

that was a difficult subject

for a lot of people, funnily enough.

So, Hilary Swank got the Oscar that

year for Million Dollar Baby,

which was brilliant.

And then I did a film

with her later that year,

so I could look at her!

LAUGHTER.

And I stopped myself saying,

it should have been me!

I stopped myself.

So, you know, for all of us,

it is about the work.

There is a real unspoken anger

though, that you are not talking

about and I will tell you two quick

stories if I may?

Oh please!

Thank you very much.

Who was the first one that said,

I think Jack Nicholson

said to me, he said,

Cubey...

Because I did a movie

with a lot of actors,

that I grew up idolising and then

sharing the screen with them

and it was like whatever they say,

you hang on every word.

He said, Cubey, when you're

nominated, you're hot

until that award show.

When you win you're

hot for one year.

And that's it.

That's it.

In Hollywood.

Because the next year,

you're replaced by the next winner

and then they get that kind

of calling card.

But, here's what happened

with my standing ovation.

Listen, I'm not taking away from it,

brother lost his shit out

there, you know that.

You have a room, like this

room of audience here

and everybody here is nominated.

So everybody...

Yeah, that's the picture.

Go ahead.

Everybody here thinks

they could win.

So potentially we have

a room full of winners.

I walk out, I lose my mind,

everybody is like, that's me!

Yes!

Two minutes.

By the end of the show,

you have a room full of losers,

with a small group of winners.

You're happy, everybody

else is like, fuck you.

All they want to is hear

and the best film is

and then it is like,

yes, let's get the fuck out of here!

That's what it is.

That's what it is!

That's what it is and that's why

you see, everybody puts up

with everything in the first half

an hour of the show,

that third hour, people are hungry.

Not me!

I might be a loser, but I'm full!

That's right!

LAUGHTER.

APPLAUSE.

It is time for music.

This Brit-nominated singer burst

onto the scene four years ago

with his multi-platinum debut album.

Now he's back.

Singing Paradise, please

welcome George Ezra.

CHEERING

# My love (My love)

# My lover, lover, lover

# I'm in paradise

whenever I'm with you

# My mind (My mind)

# My m-m-m-m-mind

# Well, it's a paradise

whenever I'm with you

# Ride on (Ride on)

# I will ride on down the road

# I will find you,

I will hold you, I'll be there

# It's long (How long?)

# Well, it's a mighty long road

# But I'll find you,

I will hold you and I'll be there

# I know you heard it

from those other boys

# But this time it's real,

it's something that I feel

# I know you heard it

from those other boys

# But this time it's real,

it's something that I feel

# And if it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# My time (My time)

# My t-t-t-t-time

# It's a never-ending helter-skelter

We'll be out whatever the weather

# My heart (My heart)

# My boom boom heart

# It's a-beating,

it's a-thumping and I'm alive

# I know you heard it

from those other boys

# But this time it's real

It's something that I feel

# I know you heard it

from those other boys

# But this time it's real

It's something that I feel

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# Paradise

Roll on, roll on

# Meet me there

Roll on, roll on

# Paradise

Roll on, roll on

# Meet me there

Roll on, roll on

# Paradise

Roll on, Roll on

# Meet me there

Roll on, roll on

# Paradise

Roll on, roll on

# Meet me there

Roll on, roll on

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# I know you heard it

from those other boys

# But this time it's real

It's something that I feel

# I know you heard it

from those other boys

# But this time it's real

It's something that I feel

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way

# If it feels like paradise

# Running through your bloody veins

# You know it's love

heading your way. #

CHEERING

George Ezra, everybody! Come on

over. Well done, sir. Well done. You

did it! This is will.i.am. Cuba.

That's Imelda. Very good. Have a

seat. Well done. That is from the

new album, Staying At Tamara's. You

can pre-order it, it's out on the

23rd of March, and you did stay

there,.

I didn't know I was going

to.

Who is she and if this house?

That's my first girlfriend toss

name.

Was she nice?

She sure were!

Where does your Tamara live?

Barcelona. I realised I needed to

write another record.

Yes, the other

one was four years ago.

But I find

it hard to be creative when I'm on

my sofa at home so I had to take

myself out of my comfort zone and

what I decided to do was to go over

to Barcelona for a month.

Into a

more comfortable zone.

LAUGHTER

But instead of getting a hotel room

for the month or renting an

apartment, I found a stranger on the

Internet and agreed to go and live

with them.

LAUGHTER

On Tinder or something? Are,

creative genius!

I just assumed it

was really bad I could just ducked

out. If they were unfinished, I

could always just take myself away.

And she was lovely. I thought it was

a great idea until the door was

open, closing, people were coming

and going, her friends...

That

Tamara! She is on all the websites!

Her name was Consuela...

Her name was Consuela...

Does she

know you've written this album?

She

does. On a trip like that, I took

notebooks and filled them up, and

those ramblings informed the songs.

Halfway through the trip, I was kind

of like, this is proving to be a

really important trip for what I'm

doing, I think the record should be

named something around this, the

songs coming from this trip, and I

said, how would you feel about me

maybe naming a record Staying At

Tamara's? There wasn't a language

barrier, but she wasn't as happy as

I thought she might be.

LAUGHTER

Kind of like, yeah... But she's

excited now, she wants me to send

her a copy.

Obviously you are doing

the summer festivals, but are you

doing your own tour?

Very good

question, Graham!

That's why they

pay me. By the way, I don't know. It

was a great question. It's a genuine

one, I have no idea what the answer

is. Someone will tell me, I'll tell

you, then you ask me again and I'll

tell you.

I'll be there...

You may

be alone on this we tell people

where it is. When does it start?

It's the end of March, beginning of

April.

APPLAUSE

They are excited! They want to go

and see you. Listen, it's great to

have you back. George Ezra,

everybody!

Right, that's nearly it,

but before we go, just time

for a visit to the big red chair.

Who was there?

Hi. It's Lauren.

Where do you live?

Bedfordshire.

What do you do?

I'm a student in

Bournemouth, and that's home.

What

are you studying?

Public relations.

OK... Hmm...

A fuel years ago when

my name was alive, she had a fall

and me and my dad went to see her in

hospital and when we did she got

there -- we got there and she was

confused, asking if I was in a

school trip, a bit clueless as to

who we were, and we thought it might

be concussion. We were there for

about half an hour and when we left

we were walking down the corridor

and they wheeled past my real man on

a bed and it turned out we'd been

talking to a similar looking

stranger. -- they wheeled past my

real nan.

That's a good story! Old

people all look the same. You've

seen one granny, you've seen them

all. Diagnosed her with an easier.

There's nothing wrong with her. Time

for one more? Hello. What's your

name?

My name is Talia.

What do you

do?

I work in administration.

Are

you from New Zealand?

Yes.

I thought

as much.

I'll be home soon.

I won't.

APPLAUSE

She's staying in and then.

She's staying in and then. -- in

admin. Have you moved here?

For a

little while.

OK, until they catch

you. On with the story.

I was seen

this guy for a little while and I

went to a family dinner. At that, I

was hanging out with my cousin, we

were on Facebook and, while we were

going through, I saw we had a mutual

friend who was this boy, and I

sipped her, how do know him? She was

like, he is my brother. What are

your broker or your brother? No, my

brother. I was like, how does that

work? She was like, well, my

biological father, it's his son, or

his stepson. I was like, so does

that technically make him my cousin?

She was like, I guess so. I was

like, no reason...

LAUGHTER

I don't know how far New Zealand is.

But it didn't warrant that journey.

Shall we try one more? This will be

the charm. Hello. What's your name?

David.

What do you do?

I work for

the Ambulance Service.

Are you a

driver?

A bit of a paramedic.

Whatever they need, you have a go.

Did that help? That kind of thing.

OK, off you go.

When I was younger I

was a bit of

was a bit of a masseur...

Sorry, a

masseur?

My mum works in a hospital

in Ireland. She was working night

duty one night and myself and my

mate decided we wanted a trip to

court so I took the spare key from

my old man's khakis, we took the car

out, we drove up to PCs, we had our

ships and my mum was none the wiser.

A couple of weeks later, she got a

speeding ticket in the post, and she

had no idea where it came from, and

she was adamant it wasn't her

because she was working that night

and the car was there the whole

night, and I pretended there was

nothing, she got a fine and a load

speeding tickets and penalty points,

and I was afraid for years, trying

to make it up to her and saying,

once I make it up to her, I can tell

her how it happened, so I got the

tickets for the Graham Norton Show,

and that's it!

I'll ask your mother.

Shall we flip him?

He's forgiven.

This was a fantastic...

You are

forgiven, you can walk.

APPLAUSE

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in the red chair,

you can contact us via our website

at this address.

That's it for tonight -

please say thank you to my guests -

George Ezra...

Will.i.am...

Imelda Staunton...

and Cuba Gooding Jr.

Join me next week with

break-out star Keala Settle,

comedian Rob Beckett,

Will and Grace Ewers McCormack

and Debra Messing and Oscar

nominee Saoirse Ronan.

I'll see you then!

Goodnight.