Episode 4 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening, everyone. My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton

and this is The Graham Norton Show.

CHEERING

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING Oh!

Oh!

Hello! Hello!

Welcome, one, welcome, all.

Lovely to see you all.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Yes, very exciting, Hillary Clinton is here!

CHEERING

And you know, I mean, Hillary,

she doesn't chat to just anybody, does she?

No. Oh...

Well, you know what I mean. But hey, it's not just Hillary.

We've got a packed show for you tonight.

Later, we'll be meeting star of Jurassic Park

and the new Thor movie,

Jeff Goldblum will be here. Yeah. CHEERING

Scottish action hero Gerard Butler will be here.

CHEERING Yeah.

Top comedian Jack Whitehall is on the show.

CHEERING

And we'll have music from jazz singer Gregory Porter.

CHEERING

But first, she is one of the most famous names in global politics.

She's been a First Lady, a senator, a Secretary of State

and last year she ran as

the first female presidential nominee for a major US party.

Here to tell us what happened,

please welcome Hillary Rodham Clinton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So lovely to see you.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

CHEERING CONTINUES

-They're very excited!

-I am too.

-They're very excited.

They really wanted to see you.

Oh, I am so happy to be here, Graham.

Thank you so much. Thank you all for your patience and understanding.

It's lovely to have you here, we're delighted to see you.

-Now...

-OK, so...

Literally what happened?

Another "what happened?" So, I was...

I was literally running down flights of stairs in my hotel

and I had a cup of coffee in my hand.

Not a smart idea.

And my heel caught on the stair

and so I jerked this way,

with the coffee still in my hand,

and fell backwards, thankfully, not forwards,

and I have a fractured toe.

Oh. AUDIENCE: Oh!

-Yeah, nothing worse than that.

-Yeah.

I can tell you,

I've had excellent, excellent medical care

by your English medical system.

-Thank you all very much.

-You're very welcome.

-And I have one of these big boots on.

-It's very...

Can I just say, we don't all get such a nice clean, space age boot.

Often it's just newspaper and string.

LAUGHTER

But it's proven to be a life-saver, cos I can walk around.

-Do you feel jinxed? I mean...

-Well...

-..bad things happen to you.

Well, you know, as I was running down the stairs,

somebody yelled, "Give him the boot!" but I didn't expect...

-No, because it does seem sometimes like the world is against you.

-Oh...

You know, in 2008, it was your turn

-and then along came Barack Obama.

-Well, he did a great job.

Then it was your turn and Bernie Sanders came along.

Then it was your turn, Trump come along.

I mean, it is like the universe is working against you.

Well, I just think it shows

that some of us are able to overcome obstacles from the universe

and that's part of life.

And part of my book is about resilience,

because everybody gets knocked down in life.

You may not lose the presidential campaign of the United States,

but...

Phew.

But there will be disappointments, there will be losses

and, as my late mother just drilled into me,

it's not at all about getting knocked down, that's inevitable,

it's about getting back up.

-And so here I am, back up with my foot in a boot.

-Literally!

CHEERING

Now, you're...

-You're here with your book...

-Yes.

..What Happened, tells the story of last year's election.

And first of all, can I just say,

I was slightly worried I might find it a little dry.

-You know, a bit...

-Drink more wine!

-..a bit fact heavy.

I couldn't drink more, Hillary!

But you've...

How hard was that, to get the balance right?

Because there's enough in there for the political nerds

but then for a general reader like me

-it's a really engaging, warm human story.

-Thank you.

Oh, Graham, thank you,

because I wanted it to be both personal and political,

because it was a personal and political journey

that I was writing about.

And I really decided to do it partly to answer that question.

You know, I feel like I have,

so the title doesn't have a question mark on it,

but I wanted to know what happened.

It was such a surprise, it was so shocking

and obviously devastating and all kinds of consequences from that.

So, I dove into it

and I came out of it with a really strong sense of catharsis.

I write in the book about

how I got through those first weeks and months.

You know, walks in the woods, playing with my dogs,

spending time with my friends, yoga...

-..my share of Chardonnay.

-Yeah.

I mean, it was a combination of tools and experiences

that helped me get back on my feet.

But to go from every day,

every minute of every day being sort of answered for

to suddenly have...days, what was that like?

Oh, well, after I gave the concession speech

and, really, there were so many of my friends and supporters there

and they were all crying, and so I was comforting them

because they were equally distraught,

and I got a few phone calls from people during that period,

and then finally it was over

and I walked out to the car with my husband

and we got into the back seat,

and it was just like somebody pulled the drain.

I mean, all of the energy,

all of the adrenaline which I had been running on for months,

because you don't get enough sleep

and it's, you know, really a constant marathon.

So, I just really collapsed.

I just thought, "Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this happened,"

and I felt so terrible.

I really felt responsible for the loss.

But I got home and, you know, put on some sweat pants and a fleece

and kind of just wandered around.

And then the next day my husband and I went for a walk in the woods

and we were moving along with our dogs

and I turned a corner and there was a young, young woman there

and she had her baby in a backpack and she had her dog

and she saw me and she just cried out

and asked if she could give me a hug,

and she did. And so she was so upset,

and that's been my experience

nearly every day since that I've been in public,

is that so many people,

predominantly women but not exclusively,

have been just so upset for all kinds of reasons.

Well, it was interesting.

-That photograph of you with the woman in the woods...

-Yeah.

..it went viral.

I think part of the reason it went viral

-is because we were so happy to see you smiling.

-Oh, thank you.

That you weren't caked in mascara, hugging a jug of wine...

LAUGHTER

..rocking.

And this went viral, but then, apparently,

the woods in upstate New York became like looking for Bigfoot.

-Yes!

-They're all up there.

-Yes!

Yes, we would show up and there would be people waiting.

You know, that's one of the things that Bill and I love to do are

go for these walks,

and occasionally there would be photographers.

So we kept moving from nature reserve to nature reserve,

trying to outsmart the crowds.

Here's a family that found the two of you.

And then people weren't satisfied with that, they started...

-They posted a lot...

-They started to put you in things.

-Yes.

So, here is #hillaryinthewild.

Literally the Reese Witherspoon movie.

I hope so!

And then this, this is very good, this is an actual sighting

of Hillary Rodham Bigfoot.

There she is...

LAUGHTER ..in the distance.

Well, you know, laughing is, as you are an expert at,

the best cure for nearly everything

if you can get back the energy to laugh

and make fun of yourself and, you know, just start having a good time.

So, you do the walking, the yoga, a few trips to the bottle bank.

-Yes.

-You're probably feeling a bit better.

-Right.

But then, I mean, it's sort of Shakespearean,

-you went to the inauguration.

-I know.

And that was because you were First Lady,

-not because you've been nominee.

-Right.

And I really tried to get out of going.

-LAUGHTER

-I...

You know, because I was going not as the candidate or the opponent

but as a former first lady,

because the tradition is presidents and former first ladies all show up,

regardless of Republican or Democrat,

to show support, continuity of our government.

So, we thought, "OK, maybe others aren't going."

So, you know, we called...

LAUGHTER

We called the Bushes

and the elder Bushes were in the hospital,

which I think was legitimate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So then...

You know, we called the younger Bushes

and they said, "Yeah, we're going."

We called the Carters they said, "Yeah, we're going."

So, you know, Bill and I looked at each other

and said, "Well, we've got to go."

Oh, my gosh, I try to describe in the book what that felt like,

because I didn't know what to expect.

What I wanted to have happen

was, despite the kind of campaign he ran,

I wanted him to rise to the occasion of being our president

and being the president for everybody,

not just people who supported him.

That didn't happen.

And so, we were sitting there and we were listening.

I was sitting next to George W Bush and Bill was on my other side,

and we were listening to this really dark, divisive speech

that I describe as a cry from the White Nationalist gut,

and I was so disappointed.

Really so...so sad that it wasn't an outreach,

it was a narrowing

and a hammering of what he had said before.

And it's reported, so I put it in the book,

it's reported that George W Bush as it ends says,

"That was some weird shit."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And it was.

And the book has been a huge success, so that's all good,

but I have to say,

not everyone has been that thrilled by the publication of the book.

President Trump made a rare foray into the world of Twitter...

He tweeted about your book.

-And you had a very good reply, I felt.

-Yes, I did. Right.

Cos are you tempted to ignore his tweets?

Well, you know, I ignore a lot of them

because there are so many.

You could not respond to all of them.

This one in particular I said,

"Well, I've also written a children's book that you may find..."

We've got your tweet here, yeah.

CHEERING

"Buy this one"!

Did he take you up on your offer?

I don't know, I haven't heard back yet.

But I do respond

when I think, you know, what he has said is hurtful and unfair

and really causing problems for people,

and I sometimes, but rarely, tweet at him.

So we had this horrible hurricane in Puerto Rico,

which is a part of the United States and 3.5 million people live there,

and nothing was happening.

So I did tweet at him and at the Defence Department

basically to say, "Send the Navy and send the hospital ship,"

and within a day or two or three, they actually did it, so...

But has he set the agenda?

Presumably you didn't tweet that much before. He's...

He's brought the world to Twitter

to try and explain complex things in just a few words.

Well, he has tweeted for a while, but you're right that he tries to...

..talk about issues that are very complex.

He uses it to mostly attack people, insult, criticise people.

The most dangerous thing he does is conduct diplomacy on Twitter.

So, he's trading insults with Kim Jong Un,

which is, like, just catnip for Kim Jong Un.

He loves that, the idea that he is in a Twitter insult-fest

with the President of the United States.

So, he does things that are truly not only upsetting

but kind of inexplicable,

and some of it just goes unanswered

and others I answer and many, many people do as well.

Let's go back into the campaign,

because one of the bits I really enjoyed

was talking about the debates,

because normally you prep for a debate

because it's going to be to and fro with arguments,

-but he was playing just a different game.

-That's right.

Here's what I say in the book, cos I think it's really important.

If you follow politics, and you're interested,

watch like a debate or a presentation or a rally

with the sound off.

And so if you watched with the sound off,

you didn't pay attention to what he was saying,

cos much of it was untrue and really just silly...

..he, you know, he was very dominant.

Very, you know, very big.

Filling the stage, gesturing and facial expressions.

If you didn't know what he was saying, you would think,

'Wow,' you know, 'Boy, he's out there really giving it to her.'

So you really have to understand

both what you're trying to say and accomplish

and how to match that.

Now, the second debate was the one I really highlight in the book.

-Yes, the looming one.

-He loomed over me.

-There he is.

And it was all designed to get into my head.

-Did you know he was there?

-Yes, of course I did.

I mean, I think any woman would know that somebody was looming...

APPLAUSE

Yeah. So, I knew it and I...

I was debating in my head

and I kind of share this with the readers,

look, I practise not getting flustered, not getting thrown off,

being calm and composed,

which I think a president should be.

Not impulsive and not trying to dominate every encounter,

but maybe I should have turned around and said,

"You're not going to intimidate me

"like you try to intimidate women. Back off, you creep."

-Maybe I should have said that.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's...it's a real lesson.

It's kind of a, you know, it's a thought lesson for women

in public life or the private sector.

When you find yourself in these positions

where a male co-worker, a boss, a client

is, you know, really pushing you, trying to dominate you,

our usual response is to just hold ourselves together

and not respond,

because if you're too hot they accuse you of being angry,

if you're kind of apologetic, like, "Please, don't do that to me,"

you're accused of being weak.

It's really hard to get right in the sweet spot

of being strong and effective

without creating additional blowback.

"She was so angry, she was shrill."

You know, those are the words meant to keep women in their place,

and I'm not putting up with it any more.

I'm going to do everything I can to speak up and speak out about it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I think...

Everyone who heard your concession speech,

that bit at the end was so moving, because, you know,

because your story should be an inspiring story to women

but I'm sure a lot of women were thinking,

-"God, I'm never going to do that!"

-Yeah, I agree.

So what you said to the young girls of America

-I thought was really lovely.

-Yeah.

Well, I have this really strong belief

that the best way to get sexism out of politics

is to get more women into politics,

and make it clear that women come in all sizes and shapes

and hair styles and voice tenor and everything else,

and so we can't just be pigeonholed.

But I was particularly concerned about the impact my loss would have

on girls and young women.

So, I basically said don't let anyone tell you

that your voice is not powerful and valuable,

-you know?

-And I think, very sweetly, the message has got through,

cos there is a very specific phenomenon

happening at your book signings now,

and these are the little girls showing up in pantsuits.

AUDIENCE: Aw-w!

There's been a lot of this, hasn't there?

There has been so much of it and that little girl in particular,

whose name I recall as Grace, has on a little fake pearl necklace

and, you know, they sometimes come in Wonder Woman costumes as well.

But I'm trying to send a very strong message to parents

and grandparents and everyone who cares about children

that build confidence, and the right kind of confidence,

in both your sons and your daughters.

And when it comes to girls, you know,

really help build that sense of self-esteem

and the idea that she is valuable, that her voice is powerful,

that she deserves to be listened to,

because it's got to start early if we're going to try to reach

the kind of equal rights and treatment

that I think we should be aiming for.

So, that's my mission and I'm going right at it.

-Well, you won't be going that fast in fairness.

-No, not yet!

We wish you well with the healing.

It's been such a privilege to spend time with you. Thank you.

Hillary Rodham Clinton, ladies and gentlemen.

-CHEERING

-Thank you all.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

What a treat. Hillary Clinton, there.

And we in fact recorded that earlier,

and if you'd like to see more of our conversation,

the full interview will be available on iPlayer from tomorrow night.

All right, let's meet my next guest,

he is one of the country's top comics.

Always a pleasure to welcome. Jack Whitehall, everybody.

CHEERING

Hello, hi, lovely to see you.

This Scottish action hero starred in Olympus Has Fallen

and is back saving the world in Geostorm.

It's Gerard Butler.

CHEERING

-Look at you!

-How are you?

-I'm really well.

Down, down.

And he's played a fly, he's fought dinosaurs

and even saved the planet from aliens,

now, he faces off against Thor himself.

Please welcome the great Jeff Goldblum!

CHEERING

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Look at you, so shiny. Sit, sit.

Sit, boys, sit.

-Sit, boys, sit.

-Yes, yes!

-Good guests. Good guests.

Shake Jack's hand.

-He's still waiting for a handshake.

-Oh, my God in heaven. I'm so sorry.

-It's fine, it's fine.

-Left him hanging.

Hillary didn't even say hello to me.

Oh! Oh!

I know, you missed the Hillary. Sorry about that.

I would love to have seen Hillary.

Well, you can if you watch telly.

I'll watch her. I met her once.

-Oh, yes?

-I did.

When did I?

You know, we were at some...

at some event, but just small.

I think maybe a fundraiser at somebody's house.

And, you know, sure enough

we find ourselves eating at a buffet, a little thing.

-Yes, of course.

-And it was just she and I.

I said, "Jeez, I'm so happy to meet you. I admire you so much."

This was a while ago. Anyway, she was very nice.

That's my story. What a story!

Drive safely, that's our show.

Yeah, work on that.

I saved that for this special moment.

But now, the weird thing is poor old Hillary

isn't the only accident prone person this week.

Gerard Butler, you...

What did you do? You fell off your motorbike?

You were driven off your motorbike? You crashed? What happened?

I fell off a motorbike? I do not fall off motorbikes, Graham!

No, it was actually about two weeks ago now, but I was in LA

and I was on my bike and this woman went from a parked position

to basically trying to do a U-turn and I went right into her

and I didn't really have much time to slow...

-Yeah, thank you for the...

-Yeah, sorry, I was just imagining it.

-It's like London Has Fallen.

-Pretty much.

It was like London Has Fallen! And I went about...

There was a bunch of people just happened to be there,

they were in a staff meeting looking out

and people unloading a truck,

so apparently I went about 30 feet through the air,

did a somersault and smacked down.

And I jumped right up cos I'm like, "Remember who you are,

"you've got to keep it together," and the second I jumped up

I went, "Oh, fuck."

And I knew I'd done something.

I actually fractured five bones in my right foot.

I did in both my knees.

But I pull the helmet off and it's like, "Oh, shit, it's him."

And then this guy takes me over and goes, "You banged your head,"

and he sits me down and he's rubbing my head and he goes,

"OK, what's your name?" I went, "It's Gerry Butler,"

and this guy behind him's like, "I knew it, I told you!"

And he's like, "What day is it?"

I'm going, "I didn't know what day it was before the crash!"

Um...

But anyway, it's been a bit of an inopportune time

because I been filming a bunch

and on this press tour,

so like going from crutches onto talk shows and...

But you look incredibly well for a man who fell off his motorbike.

-I'm an animal, that's why.

-Yes!

-When did you do that?

-How long ago did you do that?

-About 12 days ago.

-12 days ago.

-That's impossible! And your broken...

Five fractures and two micro fractures, a torn meniscus...

-Oh, my God.

-Sprained...MCL, is it?

And also this got burned right through the bone.

Actually, it was pretty hefty.

I split a nail playing squash the other day.

LAUGHTER

You had a car crash actually. You had a car crash as well.

I had a car...

I did actually have a car crash about four or five years ago.

-Did you? I didn't know that.

-It was awful,

it was like a proper near death experience,

but the worst thing was you learn so much about yourself,

because I mean I literally cheated death

and I remember that my DVD was out that week and I thought,

"If I had died, I would have shifted so many more copies of that."

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear. Jeff Goldblum, you are here

to tell us about the latest Thor movie.

Thor Ragnar...Ragnarok.

-Ragnarok.

-Ragnarok.

-Yeah.

I lost confidence then. I thought I knew how to say it

but Thor Ragnarok. Ragnarok! Ragnarok, yeah.

-Ragnarok, yeah.

-It's out next Tuesday, 24 October.

Now, I've seen it, it's great, you haven't.

You can probably guess, Jeff isn't Thor, so who are you?

I am...

I'm the Grandmaster. That's the name of my character.

If you've read the comic books, you know,

over the last couple of decades, he's been in the comic books.

He was...

He came about shortly after the Big Bang

four billion, you know, something years ago

along with his brother,

played by Benicio del Toro in another movie, the Collector.

Did you see another movie with Benicio? That's my brother.

And, you know, I'm immortal, this character,

and I have all superpowers

that you've ever imagined anybody to have,

but now I run this planet called Sakaar.

It's a very fun planet and I just like to play games

and pit people against each other for combat, stuff like that.

I'm in, I'm sold.

It sounds like he's making it up,

-but that is in the movie.

-You saw it.

-Didn't you like that?

-I really liked it.

-I got a kick out of it.

And Taika Waititi, the great director, he's all over that.

If you know him, he's a comic treasure.

Yeah, because we had Sam Neill on

talking about Hunt For The Wilderpeople.

He did that and Boy and What We Do In The Shadows.

-Did you see that?

-CHEERING

All improvised, funny vampire movie.

And the cast, you know,

the cast is Sir Anthony Hopkins, Chris Hemsworth of course is Thor,

Tom Hiddleston's brilliant

and we improvised a lot of it.

And it feels like an experimental thing.

They build into it an extra shooting period after,

so they see it and then they rewrite it

and they put it together.

It's done for an actorly, beautiful creative experience.

Well, let's see a clip.

This is you, essentially you've captured Thor

and you're trying to figure out what to do with him.

-That's correct.

-Yeah.

Time works real different around these parts.

On any other world, I'd be like millions of years old

but here on Sakaar...

In any case, you know this... You call yourself Lord of Thunder.

God of Thunder. Tell him.

I have never met this man in my life.

-He's my brother!

-Adopted.

Is he any kind of a fighter?

Take this thing out of my neck and I'll show you.

Aw-w, listen to that, he's threatening me!

Hey, Sparkles, here's the deal,

if you want to get back to Assplace, Assberg...

-Asgard!

-..any contender who defeats my champion,

their freedom they shall win.

Fine, then point me in the direction of whoever's arse I have to kick.

That's what I call contender!

Direction would be this way, Lord.

Ah! Loki!

Chris, the great Chris Hemsworth.

Not only athletic but comically very gifted, a very wonderful actor.

-And Tom Hiddleston, you know, he did Hamlet here recently.

-Yes, he did.

Did you see it?

Of course not! LAUGHTER

He's fantastic. He does impressions.

-Oh, I saw him do an impression with Robert De Niro here.

-Oh, he did!

-Yes.

-Oh, it's great. I YouTube you all the time.

SARCASTICALLY: What a night. Now, em...

-That night, back then?

-No, it was fun.

Did he do the impression of Robert De Niro to Robert De Niro?

-Yes, he did.

-Was it scandalous or touchy or...?

-It was...

-It was an odd thing to do, I felt. Personally.

-Oh, really.

But if you enjoyed it, that's good!

No, I mean, it was a very good impression.

-I didn't do my Gerald Butler to Gerard Butler.

-Not yet.

-Not yet, the night is young!

-Wait till you finish that tea!

This is actually wine,

because I knew the other guys were getting water

so I said, "Maybe just pop the wine in a teacup so no-one knows,"

but I said like a mug,

I didn't mean like a tea cup and saucer so now I look like...

It's just wine. Look, it's just white wine.

-Now I've said it.

-I thought it was herbal tea.

-I was like that's pretty together of you.

-Yeah,

I should've said herbal tea and could have got away with it.

It is, it's mint tea.

No, but that makes it look like you've got a problem

if you're drinking white wine out of a teacup.

Like, "No-one must know."

Yeah, but normally when you go on chat shows, the host doesn't drink

and so I forget and then you come on here and you're like...

You'll be drinking... How much do you consume per show of that?

-No, very little.

-OK.

-Very little.

All of those vases were full of white wine

at the beginning of the Hillary Clinton interview.

I've never got through a case. I mean never.

Now, Jeff, we must ask, we must ask...

No, are we allowed to say...? This is weird.

Are we allowed to say what age you are going to be

at your next birthday?

Oh, yeah, this weekend I turn 65.

CHEERING Wow!

-How annoying is that?

-Amazing.

-65?!

-How annoying is that?

-It's insane.

-Well...

-What did you get from touching his face?

It's all so tight.

Sometimes you touch it and it falls apart, but that is...

"Because I've touched a lot of 65-year-old's faces and hands,

-"it's a thing I do."

-That is so weird!

And is there a dreary secret or is it just genes?

Well, it's no secret, there's nothing happening here.

I'm coming and going very quickly.

You know, I'll be gone very soon, I'm sure. But I do...

-I do...

-LAUGHTER

I do live a, you know... I'm disciplined.

I do my little workout, such as it is.

I won't bother you with what that is

but I do a couple of things.

But I do it daily.

I get some sleep and I try to eat the right way.

Oh, my God, I'm going to be dead in a year. Listen to this!

-What?! I don't do any of those things!

-No.

-Oh, you work out.

-But look at you.

-You lift heavy things.

-Like...?

But my workouts...

Actually, when I had the bike crash,

I was already wearing neoprene kneepads

cos I had screwed my knee working out.

When I work out, often it's to train to get big.

Like, I just put on 30 lbs, then you lose it and then you put it on,

so normally it's a pretty staunch workout

that doesn't do you many favours.

It's not really about longevity.

-It's about, "Let's go, baby."

-Yeah.

I know exactly what you're talking about, and I always have that.

It's the balancing around that I find hard.

LAUGHTER

Right, you lot can shut up.

But the good thing is, there is good news,

if you're looking at Jeff thinking,

"This is so wrong that he looks like this,"

but one part of ageing has affected you -

the additional grooming that is required.

I like to groom, yeah. Well, are you...? You must be already.

-Please, all over.

-Well, yes, you get...

-Have you gotten a little?

-No!

No, really? Well, you're young, a very young, young man.

But I like to take a tweezer. What do you do?

I like to take a tweezer and get the odd hair out of here.

Oh, I need a Flymo. It's just like...

Well, I don't want to shave it. You know, that's an option.

I like to get them out at the root. It's like weeding.

The thrill, the delight of weeding,

cos you get that thing and you...

You're clean as a whistle, look at that.

..and you get them out.

It's nice if you can, "I got it! I got it."

So, there's that and then there's nose. The nose issue.

-I have had a bit of that.

-Have you? What's your...? May I ask?

It's a trivial and mundane and not interesting thing,

but may I ask you, because I am interested in it?

It's like you would imagine I do, which is...

-You rip them out by hand?!

-I rip them out by hand.

-Oh, my gosh.

-You're too young, you don't have them.

-I don't have pubes yet.

One day!

But you don't pluck them out, you have quite an odd technique.

I don't pluck them out, nobody plucks them.

-You're not serious about that...

-I am serious about that!

-Do you?

-That's horrible, that's not the right idea!

-I mean, I guess...

-He does it when he's on his bike and then...

It's personal.

I had, for a second, I had somebody'd given me,

-cos you can buy one of those "zzzzz".

-Yeah, I have one of those.

-You do?

-Yeah.

-You know those things? It's meant to...

It's kind of a rotary thing and you go, "zzz",

and you go like... I don't trust it.

And I am much, much better with a pair of scissors.

I take a nice pair of scissors...

Well, not to get too detailed, but here,

I take my razor, I take my Gillette II,

this part right here, I razor that very carefully...

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-..cos you can get it very close.

And then there's something going on here and all round there

and I get a scissor and there I am, and I know just what to do.

-And this happens now about once a week, I'd say.

-Once a week?

Yes, I guess I'm living, you know.

Things are happening.

Well, it looks good on you. It looks good on you.

I did it recently, so it's quite good, isn't it?

Yeah, no, it's beautiful. Beautiful. Jeff Goldblum, beautiful man.

Let's talk about Gerard Butler's new film.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are all safe,

Gerard is back protecting us from, this time, the weather.

-Geostorm...

-It does sound pretty banal.

-Geostorm opens tonight.

And this, I mean, it couldn't be more timely, this film,

since the weather is, you know, it's quite inclement at the moment.

Ophelia's just been. Who's it at the moment? Is it Bob?

-Brian!

-Brian!

-Brian, Brian.

Storm Brian, Hurricane Ophelia.

My brother's called Brian and he's just a straight pain in the ass.

-No...

-But it is incredibly timely, this movie.

That was the purpose of the movie,

was Dean Devlin's daughter one day said to him,

"Dad, can't we build a machine that'll stop global warming?"

Which gave him this idea of what if you did build something?

And, of course, at the beginning of the movie,

it's this kind of montage of a quick time version

of what global warming really brought humanity,

and it's kind of a goose bump moment, seeing this all happen,

cos it's not so far away from where we really are.

But, of course, in the movie then I play a scientist

who builds this space station,

a system of satellites that can control the environment

and that's where the fun begins, though,

because when that thing malfunctions,

you realise if this was to go wrong

then we are all, you know, basically we're in a lot of trouble.

But Gerard's there, you're OK.

-You've got a sexy, action-filled scientist.

-Scientist?

-Scientist.

-I love scientists. I love...

-Well, you've played loads of scientists.

I have, here and there.

-You should have been playing this role actually.

-No, no.

-Scientist?

But like you do a bit of kicking ass as well?

There's a little bit of kick ass in there.

-A PhD in kicking ass.

-Yes.

Just because you're smart it doesn't mean you're not cool and virile.

-And Dean Devlin, you say?

-Yeah, you worked with him.

The hell you say, yeah, I love that man. What a delightful man he is.

And speaking of his daughters, he's got a lovely family.

No, I've worked with him. He's a great, great man.

-Was he Independence Day?

-He produced Independence Day, yeah..

Well, this one's called Geostorm. Here's a taste of what to expect.

It's epic.

We built this system of satellites to stop natural disasters.

Someone is using it to create them.

There's the potential for

catastrophic weather events on a global scale.

A geostorm.

-It's worse than we thought.

-Yeah, I think we've established that.

Someone has turned the system into a weapon.

They're trying to change the map of the world.

Dear God...

Very exciting.

Now...

Action heroes, action heroes, ladies and gentlemen,

not just one on the couch.

Well, not two, because you've been an action hero.

But Jack Whitehall, you are now in a show called Bounty Hunters.

It starts on Sky One on 25 October.

I mean, this is big.

It's you and an Oscar nominee, Rosie Perez.

Oscar nominee Rosie Perez and TV Choice Award nominee...

..me.

And, yeah, it's an action comedy thriller.

I wrote it with my collaborator, Freddy Syborn,

and it's inspired by all those '80s films that I loved

like Midnight Run and Lethal Weapon and things like that.

So it's my homage to those types of films.

We've got a very exciting look.

This is a sort of action clip, so tell us about...

Before we see the clip, having seen the other two clips...

You're going to watch this

and you're going to see that we had a slightly smaller budget.

-Just ever so slightly.

-Oh, excuses, excuses.

-LAUGHTER

-This...

-This is a car chase.

It's a car chase, but in a gee-whiz electric car.

LAUGHTER

-Cos that's all we could afford.

-Let's take a look.

-Brilliant.

HE TOOTS HORN

Out the way, out the way.

-Stop indicating!

-I'm sorry, it's a force of habit.

-Van! Van!

-THEY SCREAM

CAR SKIDS

-I'm going to be sick.

-Don't you dare!

-WARNING TONE

-Bugger, we're running out of battery.

Come on!

-Sidewalk!

-What?

-Sidewalk!

Pavement. If you're going to give me directions,

-you will have to do so in the Queen's English.

-Shut up. Move!

Excuse me! Sorry!

-CAR HORN

-Sorry!

-Can you go faster?

-It doesn't go any faster.

-Go, go, go!

-We're not going to fit.

HE YELPS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God.

-Nerve-racking!

-I know!

-I was terrified.

THEY LAUGH

-Ow!

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry, I have a lot of force.

-That's very funny.

That is funny, but you had more than one of the... What is it?

-A gee-whiz?

-The gee-whiz!

We had to have two, cos it only had enough battery

-to drive for 15 minutes!

-LAUGHTER

So we kept having to swap in the cars!

And it genuinely only does 40mph.

But I want to be an action star. Like, that is...

I loved action films... I would love...

Like, I love London Has Fallen and Olympus Has Fallen

and I'd love to do one of them.

-You're in, we're about to make another one.

-Are we?

-Is it Angels?

-Yeah, but you have to drive at more than 3mph.

LAUGHTER

I write, like, post-Brexit disaster film...

LAUGHTER

No...

It's called The Pound Has Fallen....

LAUGHTER

-It's me and Gerard...

-CHEERING AND WHISTLING

They didn't clap when I rehearsed this in front of the mirror!

It's me and you and we play two data analysts going around

the city, trying to re-instill confidence in British industry.

One of us is the kind of nerdy, bookish former accountant.

-That's me.

-You, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

And I'm the kind of kick down doors, ask questions later tough cop.

-Yeah.

-With a slightly dodgy Scottish accent. That's me.

-And then we just go around...

-That would be me, too!

-Good pitch.

Yeah, that's how films get made.

-Yeah.

-Either that or, erm, 301.

-LAUGHTER

Just 300, but I'm there to lighten the mood.

LAUGHTER

You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

It's happening.

Now, Jack Whitehall hasn't given up stand-up.

You've got a new stand-up special on... Netflix.

It starts streaming from next Tuesday.

That sounds like an illness. "It starts streaming next Tuesday".

Like, it'll never stop screaming. Has it stopped streaming?

-No, it's still streaming.

-Still streaming.

No, it's called At Large and it's At Large, because this is,

cos you think stand-up shows, it's just a man

and a microphone, but... You've got big production values.

Yeah, I like putting on a show. I like bells and whistles.

They say you can't glitter a turd, I proved them wrong.

It has a big musical number at the end. I try to...

I spoke about, on this show, how I auditioned for...

Well, I didn't audition. I was in Frozen and then got cut.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, it really hurts.

-Let it go, I won't.

-LAUGHTER

So, in this show, I put some of those wrongs right

and the end of the show is me trying to recreate

a one-man version of Frozen on the stage.

-That sounds good!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-So stick around till the end!

-LAUGHTER

And... Because, you know, you're very successful stand-up

and you're working at a certain level,

you think every gig will work, but you still have...

more difficult gigs.

Where was the Charles and Camilla one? Was that at Buckingham Palace?

Er, it was at Kensington Palace, and it was this weird gig

that they do once a year for all the staff of Kensington Palace,

and I know some other people that have done this show

and they have a magician one year and a musician,

a comedian, and I went and I did this show at Kensington Palace.

And it was the staff and then Charles

and Camilla in the front row literally sat in thrones.

I mean, it was like the closest it could be

-to being the court jester...

-LAUGHTER

..and I went on stage and it was...

It was horrendous. I died.

And I was trying to, like,

I remember Prince Harry was out in Afghanistan at the time,

so I was like, I was like,

I just want to say, Prince Harry out in Afghanistan,

that's so brave of him.

-A ginger in that heat!

-LAUGHTER

I'm glad you laughed, cos on the night

that went down like a dead corgi!

LAUGHTER

It was the worst death I've ever had. And then afterwards,

the one little bone that he threw me as I met Charles afterwards

and he just said,

"You were a lot better than the contortionist

-"that we had last year."

-LAUGHTER

And then, amazing, to think of the year before

where Charles and Camilla were sat there in their thrones

as a guy climbed through a tennis racket.

-Hey, don't diss contortionists.

-I don't.

-Cos your, your wife,

-is she a contortionist?

-My dear wife is. Yes, she was in the Olympics...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Have you guys met?

About my wife? You're excited about my wife?

No, that's... It's...

Yeah, she's a contortionist.

-Does anybody want a lozenge?

-Yeah...

-I'm good, thank you.

She was in the Olympics...

You're not getting one now, after the contortionist dig!

She was a rhythmic gymnast,

and she was in the Olympics in Sydney in 2000 for Canada.

-There she is.

-I remember this.

There she is, that's my darling Emily.

And then she expanded her training to include Cirque du Soleil,

kind of aerial things, and she does... In fact,

last year she doubled Emma Stone in La La Land.

All that aerial dancing outside the scene in the planetarium,

-you know, that's her, you know, dancing and twisting.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah.

-But can she do a contortionist?

If you go on holidays, can she get in a suitcase, that kind of thing?

LAUGHTER

Well...

Er...

She was a magician's assistant.

-Oh!

-Yes, and so she packed with herself away in a box.

That's right, she did that.

And she's quite bendy, and our first, we met at the gymnasium,

and I started a conversation.

I saw her doing wonderful things, and I invited her...

LAUGHTER

And I invited her to this gig, I play jazz piano,

and, erm, there we were.

Oh, her name is Emily. I think, if you're watching,

Gregory Porter, I bet you know this old standard called Emily.

I sang to her,

# Emily, Emily,

# As the murmuring sound of me... #

And then I said, "Hey, Emily, do you want to come up

"and do contortion on our piano?" We had a grand piano.

She said, "Yeah". She came up,

I said, "What do we play, guys, what do we play?"

They said "Oh, from Fabulous Baker Boys",

remember when Michelle Pfeiffer does to Makin' Whoopee?

HE HUMS THE RHYTHM

And she got up and she did this amazing routine.

That was two days after we met.

-Wow.

-We're still very much in love. Six years.

Now we have two children, one two-and-a-half

and one six-month old.

-Wow.

-Two boys, yeah.

-How long ago was this?

-APPLAUSE

-Six years, we met.

Six years ago? Oh, that's beautiful.

Well, Jeff, excitingly, you are playing the piano for us tonight.

I'm so excited about that. Gregory Porter...

CHEERING

Just to accompany the great Gregory Porter.

-Has he been on before?

-Yes, his voice is amazing.

-I love his voice.

-Oh, no, he's... I worship him.

He's a fantastic, fantastic human being and musician...

So, if you would like to approach that piano.

I'd like very much.

And, Jack, if you could warm up for the contortionist act.

LAUGHTER

-This is fake fruit. This is wooden fruit.

-Yeah, it is. Don't...

I hope that's on camera.

Right! This double Grammy-winning jazz artist is back

with a new album entitled Nat King Cole & Me.

Here, performing Mona Lisa, it's Gregory Porter!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Mona Lisa

# Mona Lisa, men have named you

# You're so like the lady with the mystic smile

# Is it only cos you're lonely, they have blamed you

# For that Mona Lisa strangeness in your smile?

# Do you smile to tempt a lover, Mona Lisa?

# Or is this your way to hide

# A broken heart?

# Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep

# They just lie there

# And they die there

# Are you warm, are you real, Mona Lisa?

# Or just a cold and lonely

# Lovely work of art?

# Do you smile to tempt a lover, Mona Lisa?

# Or is this your way to hide a broken heart?

# Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep

# They just lie there

# And they die there

# Are you warm?

# Are you real, Mona Lisa?

# Or just a cold and lonely

# Lovely work of art?

# Mona Lisa

# Mona Lisa. #

Jeff Goldblum!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gregory Porter and Jeff Goldblum!

How very special!

Great job, Jeff. Well done, you, that was beautiful.

Gregory Porter!

Have a seat. Sit, sit, sit. Sit, sit, sit.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Very good!

-Before...

-You made the right decision, that was the collaboration

to have, cos I know we spoke about me and Hillary Clinton

doing Gangnam Style.

That was the one, that was the one.

That was really special.

There's a whole album, Nat King Cole & Me,

and it is out next Friday.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

There's a lot of this album, I notice. Look, it's all...

-It's proper... Yeah, is it a two...album?

-Yeah, yeah.

This is the first time I'm seeing that, so...

Oh, yeah, there's two records in there, I think, yeah.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

And yeah. You got the two.

You know, normally this is fake, but that is real. Do you want...?

You look like you want it, Jeff.

Well, I can't take the only copy, but, you know, I would cherish that.

He already gave me, backstage, a CD.

Yeah, but I will give you... That's yours.

Well, my gosh. Emily got me a record player.

-I can play it on a record player.

-LAUGHTER

That's the way I first heard Nat's music,

so, for me, on the record player is how it should be heard.

No, because, you know, it's interesting cos everybody,

you know, everybody loves Nat King Cole's voice.

This is a very personal thing.

That when you were a kid, he was really important to you.

Yeah, I have to have a personal connection to the

music in order to get into it.

Yeah, my mother said I recorded a little song on a tape recorder

at about six and played it for my mother when she came home from work.

She said, "Boy, you sound like Nat King Cole."

And I didn't know what that was, what condition that was.

LAUGHTER

So I found out it was a singer and went into her records

and put on that music and that warm, rich sound was coming to me.

These beautiful lyrics... "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off.

"Start all over again.

"Smile tho' your heart is aching.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love

"and to be loved in return." That's...

..lessons to live by, life lessons, fatherly advice.

I came to Nat's music in the absence of my father.

And so that's what drew me really, really tight into that music.

That's a beautiful, beautiful story.

And I mean, to my untrained ear, Jeff Goldblum sounded very good.

-Was he all right?

-Yeah, he's cool.

Jeff has his own style. And you know...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Listen, when you look at this hat...

..when you look at this hat, I have my own style.

-You know?

-Yes, you do.

That is almost a requirement of jazz,

so that was beautifully played. That was...

Jeff Goldblum style, you know?

This is my second time meeting Jeff. Can we change the subject?

We met in the airport and, you know, Jeff is a...

..gregarious guy, you know?

He kind of bomb-rushes me.

-Like boom and gets this close.

-I did? I'm sorry.

-Yeah.

-I apologise.

-He was like...

-AS JEFF:

-"Gregory, uh...

"..Be Good. Yes.

"Oh, the lyrics, the intimacy, the way that you make people feel,

"the...the... ah, the conversations that you are having.

"the emotions, it's extraordinary. I...

"..I think...I think I want to work with you."

LAUGHTER

You're so good.

And listen, that is it for tonight.

Please give a huge thank you to my guests. Gregory Porter!

Jeff Goldblum.

Jack Whitehall.

Gerard Butler.

And of course, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Join me next week with music icon Morrissey,

top model Cara Delevingne, actress Claire Foy,

comic genius Adam Sandler and double Oscar winner, Emma Thompson.

I'll see you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye.