Episode 5 The Graham Norton Show

Hello, everybody. I'm Adam Sandler. Welcome to The Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

Oh! Oh!

CHEERING CONTINUES

Ho-ho! Good evening!

Welcome to the show!

Wow! What a welcome! Best audience ever, I'd say.

I don't think we've had an audience this good before. We haven't!

Hey, everyone excited about Halloween coming up?

CHEERING

That frightened you, didn't it?

You're thinking, "I didn't know it was Halloween."

It's Halloween.

LAUGHTER

Quick, buy a pumpkin!

Yes, it's Halloween, that time of the year when little children are

haunted by the sudden appearance of a terrifying grey-haired witch.

LAUGHTER

Of course, we might be cutting that

joke out if she isn't Prime Minister by Halloween.

P45, anyone?

We've got a packed sofa tonight so let's just get some guests on.

Later, we'll have a performance from musical icon Morrissey.

Morrissey will be singing over there.

He'll be performing Spent The Day In Bed.

But first, she's one of the world's most successful models, recently

turned actor and now novelist - please welcome Cara Delevingne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, my darling. Lovely to see you. Have a seat, have a seat.

She shot to fame as Queen Elizabeth in The Crown, now she hits

the big screen in the true love story Breathe.

It's Claire Foy, everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hi. Lovely to see you. Have a seat.

And we've got two stars from the new comedy drama The Meyerowitz Stories.

The first is one of America's funniest people.

From Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore and The Wedding Singer,

it's a very warm welcome for the first time to Mr Adam Sandler!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi. Lovely to see you. Have a seat here. Adam Sandler, everybody.

And she's the double Oscar-winning star of

Sense And Sensibility, Howard's End and Nanny McPhee.

Please welcome the great Emma Thompson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Oh!

Welcome, all. Very nice to see you all.

Shiny couch.

Now, by the way, we should say, straight off the bat,

the great Dustin Hoffman was supposed to be here, cos he's

-in the movie with you guys as well.

-Yeah.

-He is.

-But he no well.

-No. AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Oh, he have-a the food poisoning.

Apparently it's both ends. It's quite bad.

Maybe it's a good thing he's not here.

I think it's a good thing he's not here, yes.

Adam Sandler, you've never been here before.

No, I'm very... I'm very happy to be here.

We're delighted you're here, we're very happy to see you.

CHEERING

Adam Sandler fans there but, Cara Delevingne, you're a bit of a fan.

-I'm a really big fan.

-Thank you.

I mean, I'm a very big fan of everyone on this couch.

Huge, huge fan. But all of your movies, I swear, like...

-I know Little Nicky was probably one of my favourite movies.

-Really?

-I've watched it so many times.

-That's excellent.

I actually dressed up as one of the guys for Halloween.

-You know the one with the boobs on his head?

-Really? Aw!

Anyway. I'll find that picture later.

-Now, the two of you have just been in Cannes...

-Yeah.

..with your new movie, which you all star in with Dustin.

-And it went well, I think, it's fair to say.

-Yes.

-A four-minute standing ovation.

-Yes.

-Wow.

-That's a thing.

-They're not afraid to boo in Cannes, are they?

-No.

-If they don't like something, they tell you.

-Absolutely.

We've got a picture of you all at Cannes. There you are, celebrating.

And this... I was saying to you backstage,

is this your new look now, Adam Sandler? You're so scrubbed up.

I hate it. I hate it.

I'm really not comfortable like this but this is something that

for years my mother has been yelling at me about.

For about 25 years of television shows I've looked not that great.

My wife is sick of it all and so some nice lady come over to

my office with a bunch of suits and I had to buy 'em.

-LAUGHTER

-You had to buy them?

-Look, your shirt's trying to escape.

-I know. It knows.

"Get me off this man's body. He doesn't want me to be wearing it."

Can you tie a tie?

I can, I learned that for my Bar Mitzvah when I was 13,

and I've done it for that, and gone to court a few times for tickets.

That was it. But I can... Dustin Hoffman, actually,

last night I had this on, he said, "Come here, come here.

"You need a gangster. Let me give it gangster-style."

And I said, "No, no, I think it's good." He said,

"No, no, undo your tie."

And I undid my tie and he put a gangster...I don't know,

Windsor, he made it different.

But it was so short.

-LAUGHTER

-It came to here.

And he was so happy with how he did it I had to leave it short

the whole night.

LAUGHTER

Now, Claire Foy, you seem ecstatic to be on red carpets.

-I mean...

-Oh, I love them.

-No, honestly, look.

-Love them.

-Can't get enough of them.

-High as a kite.

-CARA:

-She's actually got one in her house.

In fairness, this is Claire just after winning a Golden Globe

for Best Actress. So no wonder she looks so ecstatic.

There she is.

LAUGHTER

You're like, "What's this?"

I don't really know when they begin and end, that's the point.

There needs to be some sort of regulating them...

Plaster a huge, great grin on your face and keep it on the whole night.

Absolutely.

Especially in awards ceremonies, you know, the camera goes across

everybody and people are just picking their teeth...

looking up in the air and just bored.

But imagine how happy Claire Foy

will be because she's on the cover of this month's Vogue.

Let's see her big smiling face here.

LAUGHTER

Do they tell you not to...

Do they just say, "Whatever you do, do not look happy"?

-Is that American Vogue or British Vogue?

-British Vogue.

Yeah, because British Vogue you always have to look very stern

but in American Vogue they like you to smile a little bit.

-Really?

-They like you to look slightly, you know...

-Mad?

-Yeah. That one.

Is that what I was giving off?

You have to smile but you can't actually smile.

-That sort of thing. "Smeyes" they call it.

-With the eyes.

I was wondering, does somebody coach you? Does somebody kind of go,

"Do not look happy or I'll be over there."

Well, by that point - you'll know - you've done six hours of sort of

standing with your arm up and have cramp and by that point if someone

asks you to genuinely look happy, it's just not going to happen.

So I just think, be blank and hope for the best.

It's quite like acting, really.

In fairness, on red carpets, Cara Delevingne, you...

-I love it that you say my whole name all the time.

-Cara Delevingne.

-Cara Delevingne. EMMA:

-I know what you mean.

"Cara" feels like I've stopped too soon.

It is a short name, yeah.

Cara is something. Is it the in-flight magazine at Aer Lingus?

LAUGHTER

It is, isn't it?

Cara in Gaelic means "friend" so that could be a thing.

That's probably why I'm not saying Cara.

-I like it, rolls off the tongue.

-Cara Delevingne.

So, Cara Delevingne, even on a red carpet you can get distracted.

-There's generally quite distracting things on the red carpet.

-Yes.

Well, this is you with Rihanna.

LAUGHTER

Who wouldn't?

-I'm sorry.

-I like it. It's not even subtle. It's just like, "Hello!"

I mean, I remember cos...

I've known her for a very long time and I just remember, cos every time,

especially in that show, she obviously has magnificent...lungs.

-Yes.

-But I just went up to her and said, "You look amazing."

And every time she was like, "You've gotta be on boob watch."

Cos, you know, it's definitely something you have to be careful of.

-Ohhh.

-Mm-hm.

-I was being a good friend, guys.

Emma, I feel like you're very happy to have your picture taken.

-No, not really.

-LAUGHTER

-Really?

-Yeah, you're entirely wrong.

There's a picture, someone posted it on Twitter of you.

And there's a fence in it and I don't know who's being protected.

There's a fence in it?

LAUGHTER

That's cool.

That's the Reading Music Festival.

I saw you there! No, I wish. That would have been amazing.

That was me and my 54-year-old best mate and 90,000 teenagers.

I can't tell you. And I thought, "This is nice, this is nice."

Two things happened.

First of all, I got into the mosh pit when the Arctic Monkeys

were playing and I thought,

"Oh, I'm going to die. I'm going to die."

I was all crushed in, being moved up and down by people, thinking,

"Oh, now's when I die.

"I always wondered and I thought it would probably be young.

"But I didn't picture this."

And then we all walked back, you know, with the 90,000 teenagers

who are all high, and I thought, "This is really quite nice."

And then someone shat on someone's tent and then someone blew up

another tent. And then the toilets overflowed and I had to use those

-little piss things.

-The She-Ra.

-Shewee!

-Oh, Shewee!

-She-Ra!

-She-Ra!

-She-Ra!

Yeah, the little She-things.

And it's absolutely hilarious because you pee down it and it's

supposed to go down the chute and instead what it does is take

all of the wee and push it into your body and down your leg.

LAUGHTER

It's a very efficient thing if you want to cover yourself in wee,

for whatever medical reason - you might have psoriasis or something,

then it would work.

-It would be good.

-You should have been a doctor.

-I know!

You are wasted as an actress. Wasted!

It was hell. It was hell.

I love what people would have thought when they're high at

Reading Festival running into you and being like,

"Nanny McPhee! No way is that real!"

Covered in wee!

Nanny McPhee covered in wee.

LAUGHTER

-She-Ra.

-It's just tragic.

-Now, ladies and gentlemen,

the main event tonight, The Meyerowitz Stories,

it's streaming now on Netflix and it is - well, you know -

it's so good.

-It's terrific.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

-Proud of it.

-We are, aren't we?

-Yes.

It's everything you want, it's quirky, it's funny,

it's serious, it's just terrific.

So, it's about a dysfunctional family.

It's sort of children trying to cope with a father who wasn't

a father, played by Dustin Hoffman.

-So who do you play?

-I play his son. Dustin's character runs the family,

he's a very smart, strong guy and he's an artist and I play his son

who didn't become an artist. I'm a piano player but just kind of...

He doesn't love being in the limelight, he's very nervous

around that stuff and I feel like a failure.

I think what it is is Dustin's my dad and Ben Stiller's dad

and Elizabeth Marvel's dad but he divorced my mom in the movie

and married another woman and Ben grew up with Dustin and I didn't,

so we have a different relationship. And then this young lady,

-you become, I think, Dustin's fourth wife, right?

-Mm-hm.

And it's fair to say, the fourth wife, she quite likes a glass

-of wine with dinner.

-Yeah.

She's a not-really-functioning-at-all alcoholic.

There's a passing resemblance to, as I noticed, Professor Trelawney.

I didn't mean that to happen.

It is like you just came from one set to the other.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I seriously have just realised that.

-You never noticed that before?

-No.

Isn't that extraordinary? Anyway, Professor Trelawney obviously is...

-Now married to Dustin Hoffman.

-..not well.

But my character is...

She's somebody who...

wanted to marry someone who would be something and she thought

this ageing sculptor would somehow be...

She would be his muse. You know.

And that hasn't happened and she doesn't have a relationship

with the kids and she's a bit messed up.

-She is an alcoholic so we did enjoy that, didn't we?

-You were great.

We had a laugh. I had a laugh playing an alcoholic.

I mean, not much acting required, obviously.

LAUGHTER

Cheers!

APPLAUSE

Adam, what's so sweet about your character - and I think this

happens a lot in families, where you're kind of the kid who's

doing most of the care giving but you are the least appreciated.

-Right, right, absolutely.

-Exactly.

Sorry, not...it reminds you of your own father but, no, not like

that but your father... He gave you quite a hard time.

Well, my father was... The difference in the family...

My father in real life wasn't selfish.

He was all about his family. But he was a strong guy and he was...

We definitely...

We were a little scared of him, we didn't want to make him upset,

but we loved him more than anything on the planet.

But, yeah, there was terror.

LAUGHTER

But I think the weirdest thing he did was the dog.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, he named the dog Adam.

LAUGHTER

He'd always say, "Adam, Adam, come in here."

And I'd come in and he'd go, "Not you, the dog."

LAUGHTER

GRAHAM LAUGHS

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Listen, let's have a look at a clip.

This is the family, basically discussing the inheritance,

the legacy, if you will.

Thinking about selling the house? Why?

It's very expensive to keep this place up and we're spending

more time at the country house now.

-But the country's yours.

-I had it before we got married but it's ours.

Everything is ours now.

-You're selling all the art? Dad, why?

-We don't have room for it.

Do you want to sell?

Oh, come on, Cabrera just grounded into a double play.

-Matt set this up?

-I told him it was a family discussion.

I think it is. I don't think you should sell at all. I'm telling you.

Didn't expect you to get so upset about it.

I am. I am upset about it.

-Why do you care?

-I don't know.

-We've lived here for years.

-You haven't.

This is where Matthew grew up. You lived in Queens with your mother.

It's a Meyerowitz tradition, this house!

Oh, I guess I wouldn't know about that.

I didn't mean it like that.

She gets sensitive about these things, she feels like an outsider,

she doesn't have kids of her own.

I tell her, "Technically, you're their step-mother."

APPLAUSE

Presumably one of the joys for you, I mean, it's weird cos he's

not here, but working with Dustin Hoffman, was that the reason you

said yes or was it written for you, Adam?

What happened was...something like me and Ben Stiller know each other

for a long time and I went to his...

He got a Walk of Fame star in Hollywood and there was a party

and Mickey Rooney was there, that was cool.

And Mickey Rooney and Stiller were tight.

Anyway, we were hanging out, me and Stiller and I said,

"I don't see you enough, we have to do a movie some day."

And I said, "You know we'd make good brothers."

And he's like, "Yeah, we could definitely..."

I said that to Tom Cruise, too, but that didn't happen.

-LAUGHTER

-Not yet.

-Not yet.

Actually, you really could play brothers, that's a very good idea.

I could be Cruise's goofy brother.

-No, look at them.

-Cruise is like that size.

-Yeah.

Younger brother. Small brother.

But, anyways, Noah and Stiller are very...

They did two movies together and we all went to lunch and Noah

came up with this idea and then he wrote it.

But then Emma and Dustin, that came along after. I couldn't believe...

That was very exciting. How did it all happen for you, anyway?

I don't know.

LAUGHTER

I think my agent rang me up and said, "Do you want to do this job?"

And I said yes.

It was that fascinating.

-Great story.

-Yeah.

I've worked on that one for a while.

But I read in an interview, the first time you worked with Dustin,

-that when you met him it was kind of a thing.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cos he's one of my great idols. And I met him...

We did something called Stranger Than Fiction with Will Ferrell.

-It was a great one.

-Nice piece of writing.

And we had lunch, there was a lunch and it's, like, 15 years ago,

I think. And I was sitting at the back - I know what it was!

It was my birthday, actually. It was my birthday lunch.

And he came...came down the sort of aisle of this restaurant,

you know, that walk, the sort of...

Oh, yeah!

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah, it's good.

APPLAUSE

Obviously, you know, without the fringes.

Oh, these trousers are too tight. They're actually parting my vagina.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I borrowed them.

I don't think anyone will want them back.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Anyway, I don't know how guys do it. Ow!

Anyway. Hm.

And I just had this kind of... this incredible reaction to him

because it was sort of... It was just like being overwhelmed

with this sense of all of those things that he'd played that

had really touched me and moved me,

you know, from Midnight Cowboy on, just...

-Especially that one, actually.

-Yeah.

-That heart-breaking, broken man.

Yeah, he's a great man.

But, Emma, do you get that where people have the same reaction

to you, cos you've really moved them in things or...?

-Um...

-"No."

You know, the Love Actually thing,

people do sometimes do that kind of...

They just do that.

How many people, I must imagine, go up to you and go, "That scene..."

Cos, Claire Foy, you get quite an emotional reaction from fans,

-don't you?

-Not so much fans, but one lady I met in a chip shop.

LAUGHTER

-Let's go with that story, then.

-Just that one lady.

I really enjoyed meeting you, can I just say to her, wherever she -

she's not in the audience - if this makes it onto the show.

If you smell vinegar, she's nearly here.

I was at the chip shop and a woman came in and we started chatting

cos they were battering our cod...

LAUGHTER

..and we started having a chat and she'd been on a Tinder date

and she was a bit drunk and she was talking about how it hadn't

gone very well but hopefully they were going to be friends.

And then my mum FaceTimed me and for some reason, me picking up

my iPhone and talking to my mother reminded her of the Queen.

And she went, "Oh, my God!"

I went, "Oh, this is..."

I ended the call with my mum and she went, "I love you so much,

"I love you so much!" And I think it was a combination between the chat

we'd had previously, the Tinder date, the alcohol, the chip shop

element that made the tears come. But it was quite a... We cuddled.

LAUGHTER

And it was a special moment. For me, as well.

I mean, it was a depressing moment for her but I loved her.

-You made her Tinder so much better.

-Yeah, you cheered up a Tinder date.

-I hope so.

-People tell the story and it ends with, "And then..."

-I really hope she watches this.

-It's also fantastically cheery to find

a member of the royal family in a chip shop.

LAUGHTER

Under any circumstances that is a cheery thing.

-Listen, very quickly, season two of The Crown.

-Yes.

Everyone's very exited. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That comes out in December.

We all love The Crown.

This is already your last stint.

-That's it, yes.

-What?

-It's over.

-Why would you do that to us?!

Well, because that's it, I'm done.

But can you not do another season?

-No.

-Why not?

-No. Don't suggest that, Graham.

-Were you always only supposed to do...?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I thought you were supposed to do a...I don't know,

a bigger chunk.

No, no, we always knew it was only going to be two series.

So from the beginning, it's always been what I've known and then

the part is reincarnated and someone else goes on.

-That's the nature of the part.

-The Queen's like Bond.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-Bond, yeah.

-Do you know who's stepping into the crown now?

Yes, I do.

HE GASPS Do you really?!

I just assumed you'd say no.

-No, I do. I'm not going to tell you.

-Can we tickle you till you tell us?

-No, don't, cos I will tell you.

-LAUGHTER

-Please!

-Is it someone we know? Is it someone we know?

-Yeah, yes.

-Is it?

-Yes. I mean...

-Somebody famous?

Stop it!

It's someone who acts for a living.

A professional actor's going to play the role. OK.

LAUGHTER

I like what they've done with this.

-You're not allowed to tell us, right?

-Absolutely not.

-Oh, OK. All right, move on.

-Do you not know?

This isn't going to get us anywhere, Graham.

-Oh, do you know?!

-Uh, no.

-I don't know.

-No? But your husband Greg's in it.

-So does he not...?

-Oh, yeah.

My husband, yes, he's in it, yes.

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Yes, he is in it. He is Mountbatten.

LAUGHTER

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-But I'm not villing to say any more.

-Why am I doing a German accent?

-I don't know. It's good, it's good.

-What's odd, of course, is you have also played the Queen.

-Yes, I have.

Not as well as Claire, I have to tell you.

You're looking good, though.

Look, look, look at my face, I looked like a slapped arse.

LAUGHTER

A very good one.

-And Claire is so good in it.

-Fantastic.

But you've said there are some kind of little tricks you use,

like for the voice you have a little trick for the voice.

Well, I'm Mancunian, originally,

and the only thing I've kept is how I pronounce one.

-Which is I say...

-MANCUNIAN ACCENT:

-"One."

Which is completely wrong.

And it took me about five months of just drilling of going...

-QUEEN'S ACCENT:

-"One!"

-As opposed to...

-MANCUNIAN ACCENT:

-"One."

And I still slip every once in a while.

Matt had his own whole situation with "was" and "because"

-and all this sort of stuff. But...

-QUEEN'S ACCENT:

-"One."

I'm losing it already. I can already feel her going.

But, yeah, I really had to just...

Every time before a take I'd be like...

-QUEEN'S ACCENT:

-"One, one, one, one."

-It's so weird.

-It's an extraordinary voice, isn't it?

-It's so bizarre.

-It's the weirdest bloomin' voice.

-It's so hard to do.

-And it's still weird.

When she does the afternoon speeches at Christmas it's like going back

in time, you just go, how does anyone still speak like that?

It's extraordinary.

Maybe she does the same thing.

-QUEEN'S ACCENT:

-"One, one, one, one."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, listen, Claire, you're actually here tonight to tell us about

your new film. It's called Breathe. It opens tonight.

And it's a mind-boggling story and it's sort of extraordinary

that we don't - I certainly did not know this story.

Robin Cavendish and his wife, and both of them were proper,

-sort of, pioneers.

-Yeah. They were sort of forced into that position.

Robin contracted polio in Africa and their life was seemingly

going incredibly well, they were young, they were in love, the going

was good, and then suddenly he was told he had three months to live.

She was eight months pregnant at the time and during that time

gave birth to the producer of the film, Jonathan Cavendish.

He's the producer of the film.

Oh, it makes me feel a bit emotional talking about it.

And it's the story of about how he was given three months to live

and he just kept on living and it gets to a point where, you know,

he goes through a period of depression and there's a sort of

facedown moment where they have to decide whether he's going to

keep going down this route of depression and misery,

or whether he's just going to say,

"This is it and we're going to make the best of it."

And they...changed the lives of disabled people around the world.

They made the first - they invented and made the first wheelchair

for responauts, people who rely on breathing apparatus to live.

Which meant that people who had been confined to iron lungs and

hospital for the rest of their days could live and breathe and

get out there and live their lives.

It's amazing that a patient invented it. Not a doctor.

Well, yeah, because at the time, you know,

it's an interesting thing with disability or anything like that.

People want to do the best for people, it's not that people

are trying to keep people in their place.

-Yeah.

-You want to help people and you want people to live.

But they were just terrified and modern medicine is an

incredible thing but it takes risk and Robin Cavendish was

willing to risk his life and they changed people's lives.

I can't even tell you. Extraordinary people.

And he's brilliantly played by Andrew Garfield.

You play Diana, the wife.

It's a terrific movie and you are terrific in it.

Here's a taste of what to expect from Breathe.

I'm not feeling too good.

I can't move. What's going on?

Robin?

Get him on a respirator!

People paralysed by polio don't last long.

Can't move anything from the neck down.

Can't even breathe for yourself.

How do you live like this?

You get used to it.

I love you. And I want Jonathan to know you.

-You can't love this.

-Yes, I can.

-There must be something I can do.

-Get me out of here.

Robin's going to leave the hospital.

No-one with your husband's disability

exists outside a hospital.

Has anyone ever tried? Robin?!

Robin?!

-You all right, darling?

-Much better.

Aw, don't.

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Cara Delevingne brings us a new

string to her already crowded bow.

It's a novel. I've got it here. It's called Mirror, Mirror.

It's out now. What can people expect?

AUDIENCE WHOOP

APPLAUSE

It's a book. It has words. That's good for a book.

-Yeah.

-So, basically, it's a fictional novel.

It's classed as a young adult novel but I feel like adults can read it.

I've had a lot of older friends read it and it really brings you

back to being a teenager cos it's very visceral, it describes

very much the smells and the emotions and the hormones and

all that fun stuff, as being a teenager is.

But it's about four friends growing up in London

and...it's...it's, again, for everybody, you know, we've all

been there, it can be a turbulent rollercoaster at times,

there's lots of ups and downs.

It's also got a few twists in there which are really, really good.

And it's got a kind of crime/mystery solving element to it as well.

I've heard you talk about it, you have a real sense of

ownership of this book and this story and these characters,

but at the same time you're very open to the fact you wrote it

with Rowan Coleman. So did that work?

Technically, how does that work?

So, that process, I mean, growing up, you know, at school I had

no confidence in myself at writing,

because my grades weren't always good in English and stuff like that.

I loved writing so much but because I never got an A,

I just thought I would never be able to do it.

But I love writing, it was always such a passion for me,

especially dealing with things, mental health issues and

stuff like depression, it's such a great way to express yourself.

The process of going about it, I had these ideas, I met a few writers,

Rowan was the person I met and you know when you just click with

someone and you have that, when you're creating something, and you

just have that spark and these ideas of things just started

-flowing out of us.

-Would you sit in a room together?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I met a few different writers, cos I wanted to find the right person,

I had ideas already.

I wrote a diary when I was younger and I had all these kind of pictures

and notes and things that I wanted to bring into it and she was

-just the one.

-And what interested me, cos I guess your fan base,

you know, there's a lot, you know, you've got the amazing Instagram

followers and Twitter and things,

is it a big leap to say those people can commit to a whole novel,

you know, a chunk of book?

Well, yesterday I did a book signing and I had mostly young girls

and, weirdly, older men...

LAUGHTER

That is weird, isn't it?

One of the guys came up and he was wearing a T-shirt saying,

"May I suggest this sausage?"

And I was looking at it and I was going,

"You may but I may not say yes."

-LAUGHTER

-That was interesting.

He bought two books so I was like, "Thanks!"

But, you know, so many of these girls came up to me and were just,

you know that thing where people shake, that always freaks me out

cos I'm like, "It's OK, I'm going to hug the shake out of you."

But they'd come up to me and just go, "You really helped me

"come out to my family and realise it was OK to be gay," or "It's OK

"to be depressed and have anxiety and go through that and be honest

"about it." And that for me is the reason why I do this.

If I can in any way help a teenager go through what I was going through

and come out of it, that's why I'm here, you know.

Well, congratulations, it's a big deal.

CHEERING

Earlier on, we were talking about dealing with parents and

having to take care of parents,

but even at your age, Cara Delevingne, your mother...

Has your mother been banned from fashion shows now?

She should be!

She sounds like a liability.

Ah, yeah... No, Mum, you're not. Don't worry.

SHE MOUTHS

She, uh...

I mean, you know parents can be...you know, embarrassing at

these things, and my parents are very proud and amazing and

adorable - there she is.

And I think she came to a show and she was backstage with me

and they were ushering her to her seat and she walked down,

outside, backstage, the middle of the catwalk!

Just before it was about to start. And people were trying to get her.

She walks down the front row and I see her on the camera from

backstage spotting people in the audience in the front row and

walking up to them.

I think she tried to walk up to Anna Wintour and kiss her and say

hello and wouldn't sit down.

People were trying to start the show and they had to

literally physically grab her and put her in some chair somewhere.

Very funny.

But it must be lovely, you know, for all your parents, to see your

success and to enjoy it.

Cos was it your mum was on the set of The Waterboy?

Sure, sure. Yes, yes. My mother, she has humiliated me a lot, yes.

She doesn't know when she's watching the monitor and she has the

headphones on that she can be heard and she was, you know,

watching the monitor while I was doing my Waterboy acting and,

I don't know, she's just nuts, my mother.

She's a good, lovely lady. I just remembered a story.

It's funny about my mother.

Like 20 years ago or whatever it was, I was at the Golden Globes.

I got nominated for a Golden Globe, so I took my parents.

Just like you.

I took my parents and they kind of invited themselves,

but anyway, I remember my mother just gets excited, like your mom,

to talk to people or see people or screams out, "Who's that?"

So somebody gave my mother the thing, like if you're going to

point at somebody, do it like...

Point in a different direction and we'll follow the thumb to who

you're pointing to.

She's like, "What? What?"

You point that way but the thumb is who you're talking about and

you get away with a little better. Like that.

And I swear to God, Elton John was about eight feet away and I'm

seeing my mother getting all crazy and then she starts going,

"Is that...?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Talking of meeting famous faces, there's a weird thing going on

at the moment - well, so many weird things because of Donald Trump.

But we're suddenly hearing about all these famous people that

he asked out. And you are one of them.

Yeah.

I know.

You could be the First Lady!

I could've changed the course of history.

LAUGHTER

We were doing Primary Colors, which was a film about the Clintons

and about that.

It was at Universal, it was '97, so it was a long time ago.

So, actually, one only associated Senor Trump with tasteless

architecture at that point.

And, well, still a boundless sense of narcissistic kind of madness.

But I was in my little trailer, which was a normal trailer,

and it had a phone, like a proper phone, you know...

-A landline.

-..landline.

And no-one had ever rung on me on it nor had I ever used it.

In fact, I assumed it was not a working machine.

And it rang one day and I picked it up and it was Donald Trump.

-Donald Trump.

-What?

Donald Trump was on the other end of the phone going,

"Hi, it's Donald Trump here." And I thought someone was having a laugh.

I said, "Oh, fuck off."

LAUGHTER

And he said, "No, I'm ringing to ask you if you would like to, you know,

"come and stay in one of my lovely apartments

"and maybe we could have dinner?"

And I just didn't know what to say.

I was just absolutely astounded because how did he get my number?

I mean, a number that I didn't have!

LAUGHTER

-In the trailer!

-Yeah.

So I just said I'd get back to him.

And in so many ways I wish I had.

Because if I had gone out with him for dinner,

I could have done that.

LAUGHTER

And then we would all have known...

the truth. Then maybe he wouldn't have been President!

Well, it's time to meet our musical guest tonight.

This music legend shot to fame as the enigmatic frontman of

The Smiths, and since then he's found huge success as a solo artist.

Performing his new single Spent The Day In Bed,

please welcome, for the first time, Morrissey!

CHEERING

# Spent the day in bed

# Very happy I did

# Yes, I spent the day in bed

# As the workers stay enslaved

# I spent the day in bed

# I'm not my type, but

# I love my bed

# And I recommend that you

# Stop watching the news

# Because the news contrives to frighten you

# To make you feel small and alone

# To make you feel that your mind isn't your own

# So I spent the day in bed

# It's a consolation

# When all my dreams

# Are perfectly legal

# In sheets for which I paid

# I am now laid

# And I recommend

# To all of my friends that they

# Stop watching the news

# Because the news contrives to frighten you

# To make you feel small and alone

# To make you feel that your mind isn't your own

# Oh, time, do as I wish

# Time, do as I wish

# Oh, time, do as I wish

# Time, do as I wish

# Oh, time, do as I wish

# Time, do as I wish

# Oh, time, do as I wish

# Do as I wish

# I spent the day in bed

# You can please yourself

# But I spent the day in bed

# Pillows like pillars

# Life ends in death

# So there's nothing wrong with

# Being good to yourself

# Be good to yourself for once

# And no bus, no boss, no rain, no train

# No bus, no boss, no rain, no train

# No bus, no boss, no rain, no train

# No emasculation, no castration

# No highway, freeway, motorway

# No bus, no boss, no rain, no train

# No bus, no boss, no rain, no train

# No bus, no boss, no rain, no train. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Fantastic! A big thank you to Morrissey!

Thank you very much. Have a seat, guys.

Sounded so good.

Sounded excellent.

The voice untouched by time.

Untouched by time. Right, that's nearly it.

Before we go, just time for a visit to the Big Red Chair.

-Who's there? Hello.

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-Simony.

-Lovely. And where are you from?

-I'm from Brazil.

-No? Born and bred in Brazil?

-Yes.

-Oh, OK.

-I've been here for 11 years but, yes.

-OK, and what do you do here?

-I'm a lawyer.

Are you a particular type of lawyer?

-Yes, I'm a particular type of lawyer.

-Is it ruthless?

No, I wish. I do financial services.

Always a conversation starter.

Yes, it really is.

HE YAWNS

OK, off you go with your story.

I moved here about 11 years ago, but as a foreigner you learn English

as a second language and you only learn the right way to say things.

You don't learn swear words or anything like that.

So whenever I would hear a word I didn't know I would try and

pick from the conversation what the meaning was.

And I used to work amongst a number of other blokes and our

manager sat next to us and I would always assume that when

you're at work you don't swear.

So they would always be saying to each other, "Oh, I can't be arsed.

"I can't be arsed, I can't be arsed."

And I took that as "I can't be ASKED."

Because you're ASKING me to do something and I can't be ASKED.

So you go to meet the in-laws, or at the time the prospective in-laws,

as you do, and you're trying to impress, as you do,

and then the mother, who's, you know, perfect British lady,

very respectful, very elegant, she comes and asks me if I wanted

to do something in particular.

I said, "Oh, no, thank you, I can't be arsed."

She went, "Oh!"

LAUGHTER

What a story!

"No, no, I'm not swearing. I just can't be arsed."

"Oh, again!"

You can walk, you can walk. Go on, you walk, walk, walk.

One more? OK, we'll have one more.

-OK, here we go. OK. Oh, hello.

-Hello.

-Hi. You're really tall.

-Thank you. No, this chair's just small.

I don't think it is. How tall are you?

-6'2"?

-Oh, not that tall.

-No.

-OK.

-What's your name?

-Albert.

-And where you from?

-I'm from Holywood in Northern Ireland.

Lovely.

-It's a nice place.

-What is in... Is there a folk village or something?

I think it was voted 2002 Best Town in Northern Ireland or something.

Very good.

See, there's more than one Hollywood, Adam.

LAUGHTER

-And do you live there now?

-No, I live here, yeah.

-What do you do?

-I work for a big technology firm.

A BIG one. A BIG technology one.

Yeah. Big!

-Almost as big as me.

-It's the technology that got small.

LAUGHTER

All right, off you go with your story.

So I used to live in China...

GRAHAM LAUGHS

While I was over there I did a bit of travelling, went to

Central China and went to a zoo. Pretty bad zoo.

I went to the infirmary enclosure, which is like the sick animals

are there, and there was this huge white tiger, beautiful big thing

in a really small cage.

This cage was close enough to put your hand in.

It was no health and safety at all.

And as the tiger walked towards me I was just admiring a

beautiful thing and it turned round and walked the other way,

it just lifted its tail and projectile urinated all over me,

in my mouth, in my eyes, in my ears.

-And it's a sick tiger.

-Exactly, yeah. 100%.

And of course all these Chinese people with phones came over

to me and were taking pictures, going, "You're so lucky, it's amazing when that happens."

I didn't feel that lucky.

-But I'm told it is.

-Flip or walk?

-Go for flip.

-Oh, you want to be flipped? OK, there he goes.

Well done.

Well done, everyone.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go at that Red Chair, you can!

Just contact us via the website at this very address.

That is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests - Cara Delevingne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Claire Foy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Adam Sandler!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Emma Thompson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do join me next week with comedy star Josh Gad,

Hollywood actress Michelle Pfeiffer,

Knight of the theatre Kenneth Branagh,

and the one and only Dame Judi Dench.

I'll see you then. Goodnight, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE