Episode 6 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening, I'm Judi Dench, and it's my great pleasure to

welcome you to The Graham Norton Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here I am! Hello!

Hello! Hi, hi, hi, hi!

Good evening, everybody!

-Nice to see you. Everyone have a good Halloween? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Yes! I like it. Halloween - that time of year when things go bump in the night.

Although, that might just have been Simon Cowell falling down the stairs.

Oh, poor Simon. No, terrible. Even missed being on The X Factor.

I tell you, some people will do anything to stay at home and watch Strictly.

You know he did!

Now, Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a week of sleaze, hasn't it?

A week of sleaze! There have been so many allegations,

people's careers are collapsing like a House of...

..dominoes.

APPLAUSE

Yes.

Journalists...

There are so many now, journalists are struggling to come up with enough words

to describe all this inappropriate behaviour.

"Touchy-feely", "handsy",

"Sleazy", "Spacey"...

But, erm...

But who's on my sofa tonight?

We've got five huge stars from the new movie Murder On The Orient Express.

There they are! Look at them all!

Not only has someone been killed,

the train's so busy they have to stand. Terrible.

Wait till they find out the toilets are blocked.

I'm looking forward to the sequel -

Murder On The Replacement Bus Service.

LAUGHTER

Five hours long.

But it truly is one of the great Agatha Christie whodunnits.

And by the way, if you really want to know who the murderer is,

apparently Prue Leith has just tweeted it. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Let's get some guests on!

Later we'll have music and chat from US pop sensation St Vincent.

She'll be performing her single, Los Ageless.

But first, it's all aboard the Orient Express. Hoo-hoo! Let's meet the stars.

He's the voice of Olaf in Frozen and the scene-stealing LeFou in Beauty And The Beast.

It's Josh Gad, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There he is.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Have a seat. Josh Gad!

She's the star of Scarface, The Fabulous Baker Boys,

Batman Returns and What Lies Beneath.

It is the fabulous Michelle Pfeiffer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, lovely to see you.

Come in, come in, come in. Have a seat.

Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka -

just some of the extraordinary characters this man has brought to life.

Please welcome Johnny Depp!

He's here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So debonair.

And the shoes! Very nice. Have a seat.

She is... Yes, it's Johnny Depp!

She's one of our greatest stage and screen actors,

and one of our all-time favourite guests. It is the one and only Dame Judi Dench!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Judi Dench, everybody!

And he's the man in charge of it all -

Hercule Poirot himself, and the director of the film, it's Sir Kenneth Branagh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Sit, sit, sit.

Oh, look at them all pretending to be nice to you,

and the film has finished! What's the point now?

-This is a good week, right? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

More stars than there are in heaven. That is...That is something.

-So, welcome, welcome to you all. Very nice to see you all.

-Thank you very much.

It seems like, just watching you all backstage, it seems like it was a happy train.

Very happy train. For the most part,

Judi was very difficult.

-She's a troublemaker.

-Yeah.

-She is, she's a troublemaker, and always has been.

-I have seen you in interviews, Michelle.

-Oh, you poor thing.

-LAUGHTER

When they say, "Who would you like to work with?"

you often say Dame Judi Dench.

-Often, yes.

-So, was it everything you hoped?

-Um...

-LAUGHTER

Do be honest!

I... Do you remember, I cried when I met you?

Do you remember? I got a little puddly. Yeah, I did.

And then I wanted to curl up in her lap.

But you didn't.

-Where are you going? What's happening?

-The definition of "puddly" is...

-LAUGHTER

-Don't know.

Josh, apparently you thought you might break the ice...

Well, yeah, I mean, the first day, she came into the trailer and nobody would approach her,

and so, of course, me being the idiot I am,

I went up to her, and do you remember what I said?

I looked at her and I go, "Dame Judi Dench?

"More like DAMN Judi Dench."

LAUGHTER

That was it. That was it. I will never work in Hollywood again after that one.

Because normally, on a set,

-you're the director, you're in charge.

-Yeah.

-But there is a lot of high status going on.

-Yeah, yeah.

So, how did you corral your galaxy of stars?

Well, with great difficulty, actually.

I mean, you've already seen, I mean, very little... This is a normal morning at work, by the way.

LAUGHTER

That is how it would start off, on a Monday morning.

They put us on the train and they wouldn't let us leave.

-You were just on it?

-That is how they corralled us.

Nobody was allowed on it. Nobody else was allowed on it, either.

We had to raise our hand to use the bathroom.

-Was there not a toilet on the train?

-No.

-That is poor planning...

-Ah, but it makes the scenes very exciting.

-And tense.

Yes. It keeps the suspense really, really active.

So, the film, Murder On The Orient Express,

it opens everywhere tonight,

and it is the most phenomenal cast. I mean, there is all of you guys,

and then there is Penelope Cruz, Derek Jacobi, all of these people.

-All standing around. Is that you there, Josh?

-That's me.

If you have binoculars, you can just about make me out at the back of that poster.

-So, you got all the stars, but of course, main man, Hercule Poirot.

-Yeah.

How difficult was it to cast that?

LAUGHTER

Well, I talked to the actor, for a long time.

Did you see anyone else?

Only in the mirror, in that case. No, it was...

You know, directors and detectives, I mean, in theory, they are both...

You are looking for the truth, so, in theory,

that double job is the perfect marriage on something like this.

Yeah. And something like Hercule Poirot's moustache,

-it's so famous, and you have gone quite left field with your moustache.

-Yes, yes.

Is this a moustache that has ever appeared in nature?

LAUGHTER

Um, no. Although, I must say, sometimes,

wearing that moustache felt like you were sort of French-kissing a badger.

LAUGHTER

It was a challenging piece of face furniture.

-It is epic.

-It is, it is.

-How much of it is you?

I tried... Well, as you can tell, I'm already starting my Movember attempt to moustache it up.

I have to confess a follicle failure.

I attempted for months to grow it and tease it

-What do you...? Do you...? You sometimes you grow quite a thick beard.

-Yes.

-Do you tease it out?

-Do you pull it? How do you get that great big sort of...?

-I don't tease my beard!

LAUGHTER "You're so shaggy!"

LAUGHTER

So, naturally, you have got a big follicle...a big follicle capability.

It is one of the few things I can do, is grow a beard.

-OK. Yeah.

-Learned it in drama school.

What about you? Can you...?

-I have beard envy.

-Oh, you're talking to Johnny.

I have beard envy. I do. I grow about seven or eight hairs on this side.

About... Maybe about five over here.

And then...

Just whatever sort of falls in between is left.

And Josh, you have a moustache as well, in the film.

Unfortunately, yes, I do...

-Is this real?

-That's it. That's it.

My kids were terrified.

No, it is good, it is good in the context of early 20th century.

When I'm wearing modern clothes, I look like a paedophile.

LAUGHTER

And walking down the street, you would see people clutching their children,

walking away, because nobody wears that moustache in the wild any more.

-It was really upsetting.

-You're right.

-I can see that.

-Really, though.

-My kids would not talk to me. That is a true story.

They were like, "Daddy, take it off your face!"

I'm like, "Mr Branagh is paying me too much to do that, baby."

LAUGHTER

And Judi, if I ask you who you play, will you remember?

Er... Princess Natalya Dragomiroff.

Yeah, right on. Who is she?

Oh, goodness knows, darling!

Some bird that sat around with a lot of jewellery.

LAUGHTER

It is a bit more than that, you know.

LAUGHTER

Excuse me. There is the handkerchief...

Any, you know, the maid.

Olivia Colman is the maid.

-Now, you're telling me now, Kenneth.

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

This is what I had to deal with! Amateurs! Bloody amateurs!

LAUGHTER

Let's have a special taste. This is Murder On The Orient Express.

Would you mind if I join you? You are the world-famous detective.

Hercule Poirot.

Avenger of the innocent.

-Is that what they call you?

-And you are innocent?

Ha! You're fun!

SCREAM GUNSHOT

A passenger was murdered.

The murderer is on the train with us now,

and every one of you is a suspect.

HE LAUGHS

So, let us catch a killer.

-A man was rummaging around my cabin.

-You are certain it was a man?

I know what it feels like to have a man in my bedroom.

-Did he have enemies?

-Pick a number.

The real killer is right here, one of you people.

We are surrounded by lies!

I'm sleeping here, where everyone can see me and I can see everyone.

Who takes up the knife?

Cannot trust no-one. No.

It was... I mean, as you say, it is a real train.

You are on an actual train. It didn't go anywhere, the train?

Well, we went, in order to get amazing spectacle shots, to New Zealand and

France and Switzerland and Malta. But we also went to Surrey,

where we... The Alps of Surrey.

Where we rebuilt the Orient Express, five whole carriages.

And we put the train up on a massive 15-metre high viaduct and we built

a mountain behind it, and then we worked out how to move the train,

and stop the train, and it was pretty convincing, wasn't it?

I thought it was incredibly good.

Yes, I think I moved about eight feet.

In the whole film.

If you can watch the film and believe that, I mean, really.

-No, it is incredible.

-Fantastic.

Actually, you were the first one that got motion sickness.

I did, because everyone is doing that all the time.

LAUGHTER

It was the first morning where I told Judi she didn't have to do that,

we'd make it work from below the train. But it was very good to see that she could.

That's theatre training for you.

Now, Michelle Pfeiffer, you thought you weren't going to like being stuck on a train with everybody.

No, I don't like boats, because I can't get off, and

they didn't tell us that we wouldn't be able to leave the train until we were there.

But, you know, the time just kind of flew,

and Josh was incredibly entertaining,

-and you would do your Penelope Cruz.

-I do a mean Penelope...

And then he would do Javier, and then he would do a fight between them.

-It was really quite incredible.

-I didn't see that cos I was always directing.

Did Penelope find it funny?

-Oh, Josh.

-No, Penelope...

Um... She found it the opposite of funny, I think.

LAUGHTER

She would always look at me and she would literally say,

-AS PENELOPE CRUZ:

-"Is that really the way you look at what I sound like?"

"That is how I sound to you?"

And then I would do Javier, and I'd be like...

-AS JAVIER BARDEM:

-"Penelope, don't make a big deal about it.

LAUGHTER

"Leave the poor fat boy alone. It's OK."

And she'd just never break a smirk at me.

LAUGHTER

And so, you are dealing with all the actors,

but then, Judi, you have got two dogs. Is it two dogs, or three dogs?

Two dogs, two dogs.

Were they nice?

Lovely. One white dog, and one black dog.

-Nice.

-And Olivia Colman, I had.

LAUGHTER

And Olivia Colman was dressed in black, from head to foot.

So I gave her the black dog. I got the white dog.

Olivia didn't think the dogs liked her.

She didn't think the black dog liked her.

-I turned them against her.

-LAUGHTER

-How did you do that?

-You had all the treats?

Now, as the poster makes very clear, in this film,

everyone is a suspect, everyone is a suspect, ladies and gentlemen.

And there is a lot of that in the film,

in terms of actors, of, either, looking at each other, suspiciously,

or, not looking guilty, or... You know.

And because that happens a lot, were there ways that you rang the changes?

Or did you just kind of go, "Do it again!"

I heard about ways. I heard about ways.

I heard about ways brought over from the Americas.

Brought over from the Americas by characters like...

Perhaps you would like to expound?

There's the English classical tradition, Shakespeare.

There's the theatre, and then, Josh, there's what?

There's... There's the "who farted?" look.

And basically, on the train,

there was this scene where we're all...

Ken's direction was "Everybody look suspiciously at everybody else".

And everybody is like...

LAUGHTER

And I looked at Michelle and I looked at Judi and I looked at Leslie and Daisy, and I go,

"All we really have to do is wonder who just farted.

"It will make our job so much easier."

And that is literally what you see on screen.

LAUGHTER

OK, tell you what. Let's practise.

Let's practise your suspicious poker faces.

So you're suspicious, but you didn't do it.

OK. So we'll just imagine someone on this sofa has just let one rip.

THEY SNIGGER

OK. Already you're terrible, Ken. You're useless.

-You're the detective!

-But someone HAS let one rip,

and I didn't want to say.

That's what's so terrible.

APPLAUSE

OK, come on - focus, everyone. OK... Here we go, here we go.

So somebody...

Somebody has let one drop.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Is it Josh?

He looks like a farter.

He suspects...Ken.

Ken had a big lunch.

Michelle has never farted in her life.

APPLAUSE

THEY ALL LAUGH

Judi's smelling it really strongly.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Johnny's channelling a bloodhound.

HE MOUTHS

Or is it the host?

FART NOISE It was the host.

I like Scotch eggs.

Now, um...

Something just rolled out of your pants.

Yeah!

-Now...

-Tell you what, though... Sorry to interrupt.

But these are all incredibly competitive games players.

-It's right to say that, isn't it?

-Absolutely.

You look at me as if that's all...

These are the worst.

Anything - charades, crosswords, you know,

pub quiz movie trivia.

What I did find to get their attention, um...

You had a quiz!

We had a quiz, so I'll try this on the audience.

Sorry, it's a bit of a cryptic one, but this is one...

I remember doing it on the day.

I wonder if you can remember who got it.

They were noisy, we had to get a move on,

we had a scene involving all of them.

I said, "Hold on, then, the person who answers this question

"after we say 'cut' gets 20 quid.

"OK, it's a lateral, cryptic clue.

"What German refusal produces a musical connection in cinema

"between Penelope Cruz and Judi Dench?"

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Nine.

-Nine! Correct!

-Wow!

-Well done.

-Very good.

-Well done. Excellent.

You're not getting 20 quid - I'll tell you that much.

Do you remember who got that? It was...

Cos I remember...

So I gave that question before I said "action".

And they all went like that... So talk about being serious.

-It was an unbelievably tense scene, then.

-Was it Willem?

It wasn't Willem, it was Lesley Odom Jr,

who practically climbed over Willem Dafoe to get the 20 quid.

-It was so craven.

-But the quizzes...

See, I can imagine Judi Dench and Michelle Pfeiffer,

top of the class in quizzes.

Why do I think, Johnny Depp, you're not very good in quizzes?

I was until I was about...three.

Something changed. I don't know.

But the film's over now. So, Josh, you can speak freely -

you hated the quizzes, didn't you?

I hated the quizzes because most of them were Shakespeare.

And it brought... I mean, all the Brits...

-There were like three Americans.

-Yeah, I hated it, too.

We were literally like, "Ask some Back To The Future questions.

"Ask us Batman Returns!

"Stop it with Hamlet!"

Now, you are kind of a Star Wars-y person, Josh.

I am.

And poor Daisy Ridley, I think you made her life hell.

I did. I did.

-Did she crack, ever?

-No.

No, the Disney lawyers got to her before I did.

She wouldn't give me anything.

I tried. I mean, I utilised some very powerful friends,

including Dame Judi...

Damn, Judi Dench.

We tried, but she wouldn't crack.

You asked her questions?

No, certainly not.

He says it, but I had nothing to do with it.

-There is photographic evidence.

-There is.

There is. There's photographic evidence.

This is you...

I don't... I think... Are you a character from Star Wars?

I'm not sure.

Either that or Lawrence Of Arabia. It's one of those.

You've sort of draped yourself in a thing. Can you explain that, Josh?

It was magic, is what it was.

She looked at us, Daisy and I knocked on her door,

we go, "Would you mind doing this video with us,

"asking Daisy these questions from Star Wars?"

And she looked at us and went, "I would love to,

"but I haven't the faintest idea what Star Wars is."

But she did it.

And she should be cast! She looks like a Jedi Knight.

She's incredible in that.

-Well, there's another one coming. So yeah.

-There we go.

Now, in terms of behaving, you know, you are all very professional.

But the two of you have a very bad reputation, don't you,

in terms of corpsing and giggling on sets?

It's... Well...

-No, it's you...

-No, you too.

-No, it's you.

I was never in trouble till I met you.

I cannot believe it. I cannot believe it.

She's one of those ones, so is Jonathan Depp there,

who can be...

We had a scene also in the movie where we eat together,

and both Johnny and Judi can do the thing

of either saying something amusing or paraphrasing

or eating something or making an unfortunate noise,

twinkle but not laugh.

Or absolutely know when the camera's on YOU, so they'll do the...

If there's a squelchy sound from a cake

that sounds like another kind of sound,

it will, suddenly, when it's your close-up.

So I absolutely point the finger back at these two troublemakers.

But the two of you...

Judi, you've worked with Ken, is it ten times?

Oh, so many times.

It's not worth going into, is it?

-We have worked...

-Ten, ten times.

Ten times over 30 years.

Including when I asked her about being in this.

She was the first person I asked to be on the train.

And she very kindly said yes before I'd finished the sentence,

and that was very thrilling,

cos it made a big difference to everybody else.

But I used to go and talk to her about it in our dressing room

at the Garrick Theatre,

where we were doing Shakespeare's play, The Winter's Tale.

And going into Judi's dressing room

was always liked going into the bookies.

Cos you like your horses, don't you?

-I do.

-You do. She does, so she's there.

I'm studying Shakespeare like a wild thing,

she's bent over the Sporting Life, you know?

Checking out the 3:10 at Lingfield.

And we were having a chat.

I go in there one night, having a chat, I said,

"So it's very exciting, we may have Johnny,

"Johnny Depp may be in the show and Michelle Pfeiffer - always exciting.

"Josh Gad." She said, "That's thrilling."

She was sitting there with her dressing gown on.

We get our call over the tannoy, "Mr Branagh, Ms Dench, you're on."

So she gets up, we continue talking.

"Great, so we're going to build a train,

"it's all going to be fantastic."

We get into the wings ready to go on - there's 30 seconds to go,

she throws off her dressing gown

and there's nothing on from below the waist.

I mean, I had the quickest of looks, just a...

I can confirm, like the song, there is nothing like a dame.

But we then... So we then...

So Judi's dresser had to run all the way back to the dressing room,

come back on with her skirt and then she walked on like that...

..for the whole of the rest...

And then all the things she used to do, like that, she couldn't do.

So it was like doing the rest of the scene

with somebody acting in semaphore.

And draughty, Judi, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

I was quite surprised.

Likes her horses, she likes her horses.

Because... Now, Johnny, you have worked with Dame Judi before.

Yes, twice, twice before.

Once properly.

In Chocolat.

-And once improperly!

-Twice.

Well, no, the second time was a "blink and..."

-You weren't credited the second time, were you?

-It was improper.

-Was I not credited?

-I don't think you were.

Excuse me, I've never heard that before.

Neither have I.

No, as far as I know... Do you know?

It's a "blink and you'll miss it" bit

in, er...I think it's the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean.

-I don't know.

-I think it's the fourth one.

But this is the two of you sharing a carriage for the first time.

-Sharing a moment.

-Here they are.

Oh!

-SHE GASPS

-Oh!

Is that it?

LAUGHTER

Oh!

I don't remember what happened!

I won't ask you what he said.

No, certainly not!

I won't, I won't.

Now, Johnny, when you talk about creating characters, you often...

For instance, Willy Wonka, you talk about what inspired you,

what you were going for with that.

Yeah, I was sort of looking for a combination of a...

..children's show host that's a little uncomfortable.

And then I thought about what if George W Bush

were very, very, VERY stoned.

And, er...those thoughts collided.

And I ended up in a Prince Valiant wig for about six months.

And then Edward Scissorhands -

that sounds like quite a sweet combination.

WHOOPING Yes, yeah.

APPLAUSE

Scissorhands was... I mean, when Scissorhands arrived,

for me to read, I was... I thought, you know,

"This will never be for me."

I read the thing and it was... It's just flattened me,

I mean, it just destroyed me.

You base a character like that,

something that's so, so incredibly pure...

I mean, that was, um...

That was a dog that I've had as a kid.

Scissorhands. And, um...

And my nieces, just babies, newborns.

And those characters, they really...

It's incredible, the way they've lasted.

I don't know if you saw this, but Halloween,

Lady Gaga this year was Edward Scissorhands.

Yeah, so sweet.

She's out and about and she bumped into a Jack Sparrow.

-What are the odds?

-What are the odds?

And you do sometimes... You do do the dressing up as Jack Sparrow -

-you seem to like that.

-I just run around the house like that.

But didn't you go... Didn't you go to Disneyland?

I mean, that must have caused a sensation.

I did, I did something that, er...

As soon as they... you know, Pirates was going to happen,

I thought, "How great would it be to have the opportunity

"to stand there as some sort of animatronic until the people come by

"and then you start screaming, and..."

THEY LAUGH

"..you know, scare them into a mischief."

You know what I mean?

So, you know, all these years later, I got the chance to do it.

So I was very excited, you know?

These boats were going to come round the corner and...

They sort of looked at me as they were coming around,

and I'm frozen, and I went...

"Oi!" Or something.

"What you looking at?" And then...

..nothing back.

You know what I got?

All of the iPhones...

..in the world, going,

"Wow.

"Well, that's a pretty good animatronic."

It was one of the proudest moments of my life.

APPLAUSE

Josh, when you come to do something like Frozen...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-..which you were amazing in...

-Oh, thank you.

Was that character drawn? Was Olaf drawn already?

It's... The first day you get there to record,

I remember the directors saying three words to me -

innocence, naivete, and, er...

..love. Those were the three things they said to me.

And I immediately thought about my daughter, who was two years old.

And the way she looked at me with these googly eyes was Olaf.

Everything was a question, even when it wasn't a question.

"I love you?"

You know, "Can I get more food now?"

That kind of stuff.

And that seemed so right for that little guy.

Like, this just sort of new-found...

Almost like Edward Scissorhands, like you're new to the world.

And was it that daughter who then became obsessed by the movie?

Oh. Yeah.

She became unhealthily obsessed for a good couple of months.

She once looked at me... So weird.

She was making all of these grumbling noises in the playroom,

and I go in and I go, "Ava, are you OK?"

And she goes...

"Daddy, walk away.

"My powers are too strong."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I walked away and called the police.

Like, "Wait, what?" It was just so odd.

"My powers are too strong."

"I'm calling an exorcist."

Now, here's the thing.

Michelle Pfeiffer, a woman of many talents. You...

SHE SNIFFS No, stop it now. Unless...

Are you method actors? Has someone actually done it?

"I'm really good, I actually farted."

LAUGHING: You... You, er...

You sing. You sing the...

What is it called when the song's at the end?

Just the end song?

The end titles song?

-End titles song.

-End titles song?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-I do, I do.

And this is a new song.

It's a new song that Ken Branagh wrote the lyrics to.

Patrick Doyle wrote the music for the movie,

and there's a wonderful theme inside it.

And out of a beautiful bit of acting that they all do,

but this particular bit belonged to Miss Pfeiffer,

there's this song that came out of it called Never Forget,

which Michelle sings very beautifully.

We know you can sing from Fabulous Baker Boys and Hairspray

and Grease 2 and things, but you're now in a song.

When did you find out that your name

was in one of the biggest songs of the last few years?

Erm...

I think somebody e-mailed me and...

First it was that Riptide song and then the Bruno Mars one came out,

-and I'm like, "What's going on?"

-So this is Uptown Funk.

-No, because it's right at the beginning.

-I'm a huge fan.

Can we just play it now?

# This hit, that ice cold

# Michelle Pfeiffer That white gold... #

How cool is that, that you're in a song?

-It's good!

-It's very cool.

-Yes, it's very good. Yeah, yeah.

But did they ask your permission?

-I suppose they don't need to.

-No, I don't think they have to.

I mean, I was incredibly flattered, I didn't...

Yeah, it was very cool.

It was a little embarrassing at times.

You know, I'm in carpool with the kids and the song comes on and my son's like...

-WHISPERS:

-I'm sorry.

Or I'm in exercise class and the song comes on and...

So, yeah...

But... And I love the song.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Right?

-Yeah, it's good.

I know. Judi's like, "What the hell is that song?"

No, she's mad because originally it was, "Judi Dench, that white gold."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very quickly, ladies and gentlemen, when it comes to music,

there is someone on this couch who can really spit some bars.

I am, of course, looking at you, Dame Judi Dench.

You know what we I'm talking about.

Your collaboration with Lethal Bizzle,

-it has set the rap world on fire.

-Has it?!

Yes! That's that smell - the rap world on fire.

Well, he asked. He asked if he could teach me to rap and I said, "Sure."

-And so you rock up and he...

-Well, I tried.

-You did it.

-Well, I tried.

-I mean, have you guys all seen this? You must have all seen this.

-No.

-I have not.

-Oh, have you not seen this?

Oh, this is the rap stylings

of Lethal Bizzle and Dame Judi Dench.

All right. Are we good to go?

-Music.

-MUSIC PLAYS

A bit more up tempo.

One, two, three...

-RAPS:

-# Yeah I'm Ju-to-the-Di

# If you don't know about me

# Better ask someone quickly

# Yeah, I'm...

-# Pow!

-Yeah, I'm...

-# Pow!

-If you don't know about me

-# Pow!

-Better ask someone quickly

# One more time, let's go

# Yeah, I'm Ju-to-the-di

# If you don't know about me

# Better ask someone quickly

# Yeah, I'm pow! Here, you know

# Yeah, I'm Ju-to-the-di

# If you don't know about me

# Better ask someone quickly

# Yeah, I'm... # You smashed it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ju-to-the-di!

Excellent work! Excellent work!

It's time for our... Well, another musical performance.

This Grammy Award-winning singer's latest album has made her one of the

biggest pop names of 2017.

Here performing Los Ageless, it is St Vincent!

# In Los Ageless The winter never comes

# In Los Ageless The mothers milk their young

# But I can keep running No, I can keep running

# Nah-uh

# Oh-ah-ah

# The Los Ageless Hang out by the bar

# Burn the pages of unwritten memoirs

# But I can keep running No, I can keep running

# Nah-uh

# Oh-ah-ah

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# And not lose their minds too?

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you

# And not lose their minds too?

# Oh-oh-ah

# The last days of the sunset superstars

# Girls in cages playing their guitars

# But how can I leave?

# I just follow the hood of my car

# Oh-ah-ah

# In Los Ageless The waves they never break

# They build and build until you don't have no escape

# But how can I leave?

# I just follow my hood to the sea

# Go to sleep

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?

# Oh, my Lord, Lord We really did it now

# I'm a monster and you're my sacred cow

# But I can keep running No, I can keep on running

# Oh-oh

# Oh-ho-ho

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds...?

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?

# How can anybody have you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you?

# How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds...?

# Oh! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

St Vincent, everybody!

Wow!

Come on over and say hi, do, yes.

There we go. Oh. St Vincent, everybody!

Lovely job!

Come and join the couch. Have a seat there.

-Annie?

-Sure.

-No? St Vincent still or Annie?

This is Annie, everybody.

That's the cast of Murder On The Orient Express.

There you go. Lovely, lovely. There you go.

Have a seat, so.

So, St Vincent, but chatting, you're Annie.

Sure, please.

That is off the album, which is called

-Masseduction, there's the front of it.

-Yes.

Now... LAUGHTER

It's unfortunate you dropped something

just as they were taking the picture, but...

in fact, that's not even you, is it?

-I... I'm sorry to say because it is a wonderful behind.

-It's beautiful.

Yeah, I know. It's not me.

But it wasn't... It could've been me.

-It could've been you.

-Yes.

Which begs the question, why isn't it you?

It was a serendipitous moment in a photo shoot and she just happened to be, you know...

Looking for something.

LAUGHTER

And it just seemed like the right picture to sum up the album, yeah.

-Isn't it gorgeous?

-It's Josh.

Johnny keeps looking at me, going, "It's you, isn't it?"

LAUGHTER

This?

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry.

-I figure we might as well come clean now.

-Yes, you could tell.

So, but here's the thing, ladies and gentlemen, not content with the singing,

the songwriting, the touring, you've found time for some inventing.

Now, was that one of your inventions you were playing just then?

-It was. I designed a guitar.

-Yes.

-That guitar?

-Yes, I designed a guitar that

I like to say is gender inclusive. It's incredibly ergonomic for...

-any gender.

-OK.

Were old guitars not?

Well, OK, so I've been playing guitar for a long time

and I've been performing for a long time, so...

and I'm a smallish person, so I don't want a big, heavy guitar.

I love a '70s Les Paul, but they're so heavy,

they're prohibitively heavy,

-so I designed a guitar with a smaller frame maybe in mind?

-Yeah.

And a rock monster tone.

Nice! Nice! Can you buy them?

-You can, yeah.

-Oh!

There you go! That's Christmas sorted!

You'll never guess what it is under the tree, Dame Judi.

LAUGHTER

Thank you for doing that. That looked beautiful.

I loved the look of the performance.

-St Vincent, everybody!

-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nearly it, but we do have time for a quick visit to the big, red chair.

-Who's there? Hello!

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Greg.

Greg. Lovely. And what do you do, Greg?

I've just started a recruitment business with two friends of mine.

OK. Very good. Recruiting people to do what?

Accountants into retail businesses.

Wow.

Buzzy, buzzy, buzzy! LAUGHTER

Oh, the brainstorming!

OK, Greg, off we go with your story.

I'm a massive Rugby League fan and once a year my team plays on TV.

One Saturday, I sat down ready for my team to play

and we scored a try and I jumped up in-between my lounge and my kitchen,

and I smashed my head on the beam. I completely conked myself out,

I had no idea what was going on. I came around

and my housemate's above me in tears, crying on the phone to the ambulance,

saying, "Are you all right? There's blood pouring out of your head."

And I was like, "No, I'm not."

He calls the ambulance and they say, "You've got 20 minutes,

"keep him awake and we'll be there as soon as possible."

We wait and we wait and we wait, and the doorbell rings,

and he's like, "Right, the ambulance is here." So he runs to the door

and opens the door and it's an estate agent. He's got an open house that morning,

organised by our landlord.

And I'm laid there with blood everywhere in the middle of the lounge.

LAUGHTER

The estate agent says, "Look, I don't care, we can go in,

"we'll just ignore the casualty."

LAUGHTER

Eight couples walked in to the

lounge/diner to find me on the floor with blood pouring out of my head.

And they just carried on with their business quite normally,

and one them sort of stepped over me and looked at the cooker.

Whilst they were straddled over me,

I looked up and they said, "Darling, they've got gas hobs,

"that's really, really useful, isn't it?"

And I'm still laying there and there's still blood pouring out of my head while this is happening,

so thankfully they didn't sell the house that morning.

Oh, it had no ending, the story. LAUGHTER

Very good story... Very good, but it had no ending!

I like the way he was using the term lounge/diner throughout his story.

"I was straddling, lying down."

OK. Who's up next?

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Hi, what's your name?

-Lisa.

-Lisa.

-And where are you from, Lisa?

-I'm from Kew.

-Kew Gardens?

-Yes.

Ooh, lovely!

HE MOUTHS

-What you do there?

-I'm an estate agent.

LAUGHTER Oh!

It was meant to be.

-Was she in that kitchen?

-I know. Is there blood on the soles of her shoes?

Did you hear that last story?

Yes, I did. It's all about the sale.

LAUGHTER

All right. All right, Lisa.

Let's see if you can top that. Off you go with your story.

When I was younger, I used to live on the Abergeldie estate in Scotland,

neighbouring Balmoral, the Queen's Scottish home.

LAUGHTER

And one day, I was on the estate when the Queen was in residence

and walking, and being local, we knew a lot of the staff,

so we thought we'd pop in the back door of Balmoral Castle

and just have a cup of tea and catch up with them.

Perfect timing, the Queen had just finished afternoon tea

and all the royal cakes were in the kitchen,

so we absolutely feasted on the cakes.

However, the bell rang.

It was the Queen. She had an unexpected guest.

All the cakes had gone, though,

and needless to say, her butler was absolutely furious with us.

Needless to say.

One more. OK, one more.

This is the one, this is the one.

People have come from abroad for this, come on!

Here we go. This is the one...

-Hello, sir.

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-Robert.

-Robert. Robert or Robin?

-No, Robert.

-Robert, right, very good.

-And what do you do, Robert?

-I've got a little company, we do kitchens and we fit kitchens.

-OK. Very good. Off you go, Robert.

-OK.

In my teens, I had a girlfriend and her father was a strict Catholic.

He hated me with a vengeance.

So, it's Christmas Eve, the father says to my girlfriend,

"We're going out, you're staying in,"

So she says, "I'm only staying in to babysit the brother if Robert can come around."

He finally agrees, I come round, they go out, the lights go down,

the movie goes on, the lights come up, they come back,

the mother says, "I'll make everybody a cup of tea."

So we're sitting down, having a cup of tea, the dog comes in, sits in the middle of the lounge,

starts coughing, coughs up, all of a sudden, coughs up a condom.

LAUGHTER

You...can walk!

Well done, you!

He saved the day, ladies and gentlemen!

He saved the day!

Ahem! LAUGHTER

Well done, everyone! If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go on the big, red chair,

you can contact us via the website at this very address.

Sadly, that is it for tonight.

Please say a huge thank you to my guests - St Vincent!

Josh Gad!

Michelle Pfeiffer!

Johnny Depp!

Dame Judi Dench!

And Sir Kenneth Branagh!

Join me next week with singer-songwriter Kelly Clarkson,

comedian Sarah Millican,

Aquaman Jason Momoa,

and the ever-charming Hugh Grant.

I'll see you, then. Goodnight, everyone, goodbye!