Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show


Episode 7

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Transcript


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Good evening. My name's Hugh Grant and this is the Graham Norton Show.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Oh!

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Oh-ho-ho-ho!

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Oh!

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Oh, too kind! Too kind! Too kind! Thank you!

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Thank you very much. Oh, do you love me?

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Good evening, everybody! You're very welcome!

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I'm delighted to tell you we have a great show for you tonight.

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I tell you, my sofa's attracted more celebrities

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than a dodgy offshore tax scheme.

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Ooh, everyone's talking about the Paradise Papers.

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There have even been investigations

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into the royal family's financial affairs.

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Yeah.

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I mean, you know it's bad when they start probing the Queen's loophole.

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Now, the papers also suggest

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Prince Charles has money put away offshore.

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Charles hasn't been able to respond,

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as he's currently out of the country...

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..visiting his money.

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LAUGHTER

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Is he wearing a mankini? What is that?

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LAUGHTER

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Now, in political news,

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Minister for International Development Priti Patel

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hasn't had the best of weeks.

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No - on Wednesday she flew back from Africa

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for a meeting with Theresa May,

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and was met at the airport by a taxi driver

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you know, holding up one of those signs.

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Luckily, though, all these ministerial sackings

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aren't bothering Theresa May.

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No, she's just carrying on with today's cabinet meeting as usual.

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LAUGHTER

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And finally, Donald Trump has been visiting Asia this week -

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mm, whether they like it or not.

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Turns out - not!

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South Korean protestors have taken to trolling Trump on Twitter.

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Although interestingly, if you Google the words troll and Trump,

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you seriously get this.

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LAUGHTER Yeah.

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Perfect for Christmas!

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Mind you - this is amazing, you may have seen this -

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this is not the only likeness of Trump that's been spotted this week.

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A woman in Tyneside noticed Donald Trump's face

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inside her dog's ear.

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LAUGHTER

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Earhole, arsehole - you decide.

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Let's get some guests on!

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Later we'll have music and chat

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from singing sensation Kelly Clarkson!

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Yeah!

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She's going to be performing her new single, Love So Soft.

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But first, she's one of the UK's top comedians,

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and now she's turned author with her new book, How To Be Champion,

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please welcome back Sarah Millican!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello.

-Hello! Let me greet you.

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How are you, darling? Lovely to see you!

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Sarah Millican, everybody!

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He's gone from Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones

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to Aquaman in Justice League -

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it's a first-time welcome to Mr Jason Momoa!

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CHEERING Oh, yeah! There you go.

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That's your ACTUAL Jason Momoa.

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Hello! Lovely to see you.

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Come in. Sarah, Jason.

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And from Four Weddings And A Funeral to Notting Hill,

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Love Actually and Bridget Jones,

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he's become one of our most beloved stars,

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now playing a scene-stealing villain in Paddington 2,

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it's always a pleasure to welcome the great Hugh Grant!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo!

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Hello, sir, very nice to see you.

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Hello.

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Sarah, Jason. Come in! Sit down, sit down, sit down.

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You know, often people come in from superhero movies

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and they're just sort of like actors, but you're it!

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-How tall are you?

-I think 6'5".

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-6'5"!

-Yeah.

-Wow.

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It's funny cos my dad's like 5'9" and my mum's like 5'8", so...

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-Where did you come from then?

-Milkman, you know.

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LAUGHTER

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-Pizza delivery guy, I don't know.

-Questions were asked!

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-Now, Sarah Millican, very lovely to have you here.

-Thanks.

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And obviously I'm sure you enjoy Jason Momoa's work.

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-Mm.

-But you are, I know, a fan of Mr Grant.

-Yes.

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-Hi!

-LAUGHTER

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Shut up!

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Yeah, of course, isn't everybody?

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-Yes!

-No, no.

-CHEERING

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You are so nice but...

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-..lots of people hate me.

-LAUGHTER

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-My son hates me.

-No!

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Yeah, he came to see Paddington 2 the other day

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and all he said throughout the whole film

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is, "Why is Daddy in it so much?"

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LAUGHTER

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My favourite is Sense And Sensibility.

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-Ah.

-I love it. Oh, my God, I watch it sort of...

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-Is weekly bad?

-LAUGHTER

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-No, I watch it weekly too.

-Do you really watch it that often?

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It's one of my... It's a comfort film, let's call it that.

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I have three. Do you want to know what the other ones are?

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Yes, very much.

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So, it's Sense And Sensibility,

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Muppet Christmas Carol - regardless of what time of year.

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-Yeah.

-And San Andreas, which is a disaster film with The Rock.

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LAUGHTER

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-So it's quite a good mix of things.

-Yes, mix it up!

-Yeah.

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Now, Jason, you've only just got to Britain.

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Yeah, I've been here for probably a week.

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Oh, OK. But you seem to like it here.

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-You go out and about.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-I'm known for my shenanigans and...

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-Yes!

-..and enjoying the scenery.

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We spotted you around London with your widow from Game of Thrones.

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-Yes.

-Emilia Clarke, she posted this picture of the two of you.

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-Aww. What a nice picture!

-When was it? Was this last week?

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That was like three days ago.

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I'd just, actually, flew over to Belfast,

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I got back from Belfast right now.

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OK, so Belfast in November,

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why are you wearing a vest, Jason?

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-LAUGHTER

-Is it because he looks like this?

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This is the first time I've ever wore a turtleneck.

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-Oh, really?

-My mother's going to be very proud of me.

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But I'm going to be close to peeling this off and getting the...

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-I'm fine with that!

-CHEERING

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I burn hot!

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-Don't let us stop you.

-Let's do the whole show topless!

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-Yeah, let's all go topless.

-Come on.

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CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

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But fans must go crazy when they see the two of you together.

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I go crazy when I see her.

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Do they want you to start talking in - is it Dothraki?

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Dothraki, yeah.

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It's all nonsense, but you do speak some Dothraki.

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I've been known to, yeah, say a few things.

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-Go on, then.

-LAUGHTER

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-For the ladies...

-OK!

-SARAH GIGGLES

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Sorry, I know I love you but, sorry.

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Oh, oh! He's touching me!

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HE SPEAKS DOTHRAKI

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-And for the gentleman...

-Oh, yes!

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LAUGHTER

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Excuse me.

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HE SPEAKS DOTHRAKI ANGRILY

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Oh, he's got so much more to say to men!

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I feel let down.

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Listen, the first film we're going to talk about tonight

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is Hugh Grant starring in Paddington 2.

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It opens tonight -

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and I loved the first one,

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so I think people are kind of worried about this,

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but honestly, it's as good, if not better,

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and you are brilliant in it, Hugh Grant.

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Who do you play?

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Well, I...

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I got a letter with a script saying, "We're making Paddington 2

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"and there's this part

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"of an extremely self-obsessed ex-famous actor

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"now fallen on hard times..."

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LAUGHTER

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And I was a fraction hurt.

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But it was a very funny script and, in a way, it was therapeutic.

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I have deep reservoirs of actual narcissism

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and neurosis and anger and hatred of others

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that I was able to tap.

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Did you base it on specific actors?

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Well, as I said, a lot of it came from me,

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in the way a sort of self-portrait,

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but there were actors from my past.

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In the '80s I did theatre.

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-Remember that.

-I remember that!

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I mean, there were some brilliant characters.

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A wonderful old boy in the theatre who... He was so good,

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and, you know, the show would start at 8pm,

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but at 3pm from his dressing room you'd start to hear,

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"Nee-mee-nee-mee-nee-mee, maaaaaa-ah,

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"maaaaaa, scrunchy mouse, loud lion!"

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LAUGHTER

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"Loud lion!"

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And as a result, he had a wonderful voice

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and he was just marvellously smooth and seamlessly pervy.

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He used to...

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I was sharing a dressing room with another young actor

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and he always used to knock on our door before the show,

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pretending it was to say good luck,

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but, actually, it was to see us in our pants.

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LAUGHTER

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-Different times!

-Different times.

-Different times!

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LAUGHTER

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Meanwhile, in Paddington 2...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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No, cos you are Phoenix...

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-Buchanan.

-Buchanan!

-Yeah.

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And you are the little bear's nemesis.

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That's right, yes.

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He's living a happy life now with the Browns

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wherever it is in London - Notting Hill.

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And one of his neighbours is this used-to-be-famous theatre actor

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called Phoenix Buchanan,

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and they end up wanting the same thing in life,

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they want this pop-up book which turns out to be a treasure map.

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And it ends up with me basically putting him in prison

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-and trying to kill him.

-Oh.

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It sounds very dark!

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OK, let's go with putting him in prison...

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-But there are dark bits.

-Yeah, there are dark bits.

-Yeah.

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But it's all been very confusing for me

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because Paddington Bear is voiced by Ben Whishaw,

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who I'm also working with at the moment

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in a thing about Jeremy Thorpe,

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he's playing Norman Scott, my lover.

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So I've spent all year

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trying to either kill, imprison or bugger Ben Whishaw!

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LAUGHTER

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-Don't get them mixed up.

-That's the thing!

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It'll make the children cry!

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Shall we look at a clip? LAUGHTER

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Have I done a bad job of selling the film?

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-No, you haven't!

-It's really a sunny and lovely film!

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-It is.

-But in all seriousness...

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER

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Because I hate my films normally, I can't bear to watch them.

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But I will say,

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I can't find a flaw in this one, it's really good.

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It's so good. It is so good.

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-I'm very proud of it.

-Yeah, you should be.

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-That's a bit better.

-Very good!

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This is a charming clip of your character

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meeting the little bear for the first time.

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So, I'm going to ask one of you to come up here and open the fair.

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Volunteers. Anyone?

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-Eeny, meeny, miny...

-Ugh, ugh!

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Bear.

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Let's have the young bear, why not?

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-Come, come young ursine.

-Thank you.

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Up here, my furry friend. Very good, very good.

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-Now, your name is?

-Paddington Brown.

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Oh, well, of course it is, you are my new neighbour!

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You live with Henry and Mary and the great Mrs...

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HE MUMBLES

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Now, then, I suppose you know who I am?

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Oh, yes. You're a very famous actor.

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-Oh, poo.

-Or used to be.

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Now you do dog food commercials.

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Well, a man has to eat.

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What, dog food?

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CROWD LAUGHS

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HE LAUGHS

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Very, very funny.

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APPLAUSE

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I can't remember, have you done this before in another film,

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having to act with...

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I think children have gone to bed, hopefully they have by now -

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but, obviously, the bear's not there.

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-So have you done that acting before?

-I'm sorry, what?

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Don't listen. Don't listen.

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I must say, my 89-year-old father came to the premiere the other day

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and he did say to me halfway through the film, "Is that a real bear?"

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-LAUGHTER

-Oh.

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-Oh.

-"Dad, it talks!"

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LAUGHTER

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But it is very lifelike, so I suppose...

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But what was there?

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Was there anything there when you were doing that scene?

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Well, no, sometimes there's a stick,

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sometimes there's a wonderful very short actress,

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and sometimes, most frightening of all,

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there's a bear's head on a stick.

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It looks like a kind of warning to bears. Yeah.

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And in this film, because, you know, you kind of think,

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a light children's film,

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but your range, your range in this film -

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the accents, the make-up -

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it's a proper tour de force.

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Well, yes, a lot of characters. A lot of characters

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Yes, they've released stills of some of them.

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There you are as a homeless man.

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-Well... Magwitch from Great Expectations.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

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Then here you are as a train conductor.

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GRAHAM LAUGHS

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-Terrifying.

-Yes.

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And then perhaps, most touching and beautiful of all,

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there you are.

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LAUGHTER

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-Yeah.

-Were you very involved in creating the looks?

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Uh, fairly involved.

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The big surprise is you never know which costume

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is going to get you going.

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Maybe that's age, as well,

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but something about being a nun was slightly arousing in a very...

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-You don't know.

-Yeah.

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I had to wear handcuffs in the Jeremy Thorpe thing

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the other day and I thought, "Hello!"

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LAUGHTER

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-Still life to be lived!

-Yeah.

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Cos, Jason Momoa, the characters you played have been so iconic,

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people like to dress up as them.

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So we've got a picture of you and Emilia as the Drogos.

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-That's from the thing.

-The Drogos!

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-What, you're Mr and Mrs Drogo, aren't you?

-Yes, yes, yes, yes!

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They were a lovely family!

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The Drogos, I just hadn't heard that before!

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You know, the Drogos, the one with the Dragons!

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They're coming over tonight, the Drogos.

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I hope they don't bring that bloody dragon!

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So that's actual Game of Thrones

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with professional make up and costumes and everything.

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So bear in mind, that's the real thing.

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This is just a couple at home who've tried to recreate this.

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It's pretty amazing.

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LAUGHTER

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Is it like looking in a mirror?

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The attention to detail is marvellous, isn't it?

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I particularly like what they've done with the room.

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Oh, dear.

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Right, Jason Momoa's film tonight

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is Justice League, ladies and gentlemen.

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CHEERING Yes, I know.

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People have been waiting for Justice League.

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It opens next Friday.

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This is a DC Comics supergroup,

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and this is your first real go at being Aquaman.

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We haven't sort of seen you.

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Yeah, we haven't, so, it's... We'll see if people like it.

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I'm pretty excited.

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They're all there, there's the Flash, Wonder Woman,

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Batman, Cyborg and you, Aquaman.

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Why? Why, Aquaman, have you all been joined together in this way?

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-The world as we know it is going to end.

-No!

-Yes!

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Oh, my God.

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I hate to break the news to you, but...

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Me and my friends kind of save you.

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We're so grateful!

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In terms of the superpowers -

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cos obviously, you're all superheroes, you've got superpowers,

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so, Aquaman, water-based, can breathe underwater, presumably?

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-Yes.

-But what else can he do?

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He can command the ocean.

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So he can, you know - I basically talk to fish!

0:16:230:16:28

If you wanted me to, I don't know, make you sushi, I could do that.

0:16:290:16:34

If we were right next to water, I could be like, hand out...

0:16:340:16:38

Is that a superhero quality?

0:16:380:16:40

It sounds like Jonestown for fish!

0:16:400:16:43

Yeah, he's got super-strength and...

0:16:440:16:47

-That's good.

-Bulletproof. That's nice.

0:16:470:16:51

Why would you put bulletproof third after home-made sushi super quickly?

0:16:510:16:55

-There you go.

-You need to re-order.

-And you've got your...

0:16:570:17:00

Hang on, it's a...

0:17:000:17:02

-Quindent.

-Quindent.

-Quindent.

0:17:020:17:06

It's not the trident yet, we don't get the trident until a bit later.

0:17:060:17:08

-Next movie.

-I think the quindent is back there.

0:17:080:17:11

-Oh, wow.

-Is this the real quindent from the movie?

0:17:110:17:14

CHEERING

0:17:140:17:16

Good reaction to a fork, well done!

0:17:160:17:18

-Is it heavy?

-No.

-Can I have a...

-This one's the nice light one.

0:17:180:17:21

Oh, see, I could do that.

0:17:210:17:24

Aquawoman.

0:17:240:17:26

I could make sushi quicker!

0:17:260:17:28

-Can I do something with it?

-Yeah, go on, but don't hurt anybody.

0:17:300:17:33

Listen, I do break a lot of these.

0:17:330:17:37

-OK.

-I do break a lot of them, but...

0:17:370:17:39

-Oh, oh, oh, oh!

-Aah!

-Is it still in one piece?

0:17:390:17:42

-Here we go.

-Still in one piece. Let's see if I can get it right.

0:17:420:17:45

-Hi-yah!

-Oh, very good!

0:17:450:17:47

CHEERING

0:17:470:17:48

-That's all I got.

-Good fork work.

0:17:480:17:51

We've got a clip.

0:17:550:17:58

We've got a clip. Batman is sort of putting together the Justice League.

0:17:580:18:02

Yes, Batman and Wonder Woman.

0:18:020:18:05

You know, Batman's not known for playing well with others

0:18:050:18:07

and, obviously, the world's in peril,

0:18:070:18:09

Wonder Woman helps get these other characters with superpowers

0:18:090:18:16

to save the world and come together to, you know, save it.

0:18:160:18:19

-Yeah.

-All right, well, this is Batman trying to get you involved.

0:18:190:18:23

So let me get this straight.

0:18:230:18:24

You do it dressed like a bat, like an actual bat?

0:18:240:18:28

It worked for 20 years in Gotham.

0:18:280:18:29

When the fight comes, we'll need you.

0:18:310:18:33

-Don't count on it, Batman.

-Why not?

0:18:330:18:35

Cos I don't like you coming here digging into my business

0:18:350:18:37

and getting into my life.

0:18:370:18:39

People from Atlantis tell me to do this, now you say do that.

0:18:390:18:41

I want to be left alone.

0:18:410:18:43

That why you help these people out here

0:18:430:18:44

in the middle of nowhere, cos you can just leave?

0:18:440:18:47

I help them cos no-one else does.

0:18:470:18:49

You want to protect them, you need to work with me.

0:18:490:18:51

Strong men are strongest alone.

0:18:510:18:53

You ever heard that?

0:18:530:18:55

-That's not a saying.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:18:550:18:56

-That's the opposite of what the saying is.

-Yeah.

0:18:560:19:00

Doesn't mean I'm wrong.

0:19:000:19:02

You ever hear of Superman?

0:19:020:19:04

He died fighting next to me.

0:19:040:19:05

My point exactly.

0:19:050:19:07

-What's in the three boxes?

-It's ancient history.

0:19:090:19:13

Mankind's melting the polar ice caps,

0:19:130:19:15

destroying the ecosystem - they had it coming?

0:19:150:19:17

Hey, I don't mind if the oceans rise.

0:19:170:19:20

How about if they boil?

0:19:200:19:23

Dressed like a bat -

0:19:230:19:25

you're out of your mind, Bruce Wayne.

0:19:250:19:27

APPLAUSE Ooh!

0:19:310:19:33

Good!

0:19:330:19:35

Now, that's actually Iceland.

0:19:350:19:40

That's Iceland.

0:19:400:19:41

-So that's cold, that water.

-Yeah, that was cold.

0:19:410:19:45

It doesn't look like it, but it was cold.

0:19:450:19:47

You do look very relaxed.

0:19:470:19:49

But were you wearing a thermal thing?

0:19:490:19:52

Yeah, you know, cos I was out there for a while,

0:19:520:19:55

so they have a very thin wet suit that you put on

0:19:550:19:58

so you don't freeze to death.

0:19:580:20:00

OK, well, that's good!

0:20:000:20:01

And it's funny cos they have a crane shot

0:20:010:20:05

that went out there in front of me

0:20:050:20:07

and I was walking out, but if you have a wet suit on,

0:20:070:20:10

the air gets kind of trapped in there.

0:20:100:20:12

You're just walking out and the bubbles start coming up

0:20:120:20:14

and right when he gets to the level where it's at,

0:20:140:20:16

all these bubbles come up,

0:20:160:20:18

and it looked like you'd farted.

0:20:180:20:20

The camera's right there and I start giggling cos of the bubbles

0:20:200:20:25

cos I can feel them go up, too.

0:20:250:20:27

And then I opened it up to let the air out

0:20:270:20:30

and then all of the cold went in!

0:20:300:20:33

So my reaction was like, "Ha-ha... Ooh-ooh!"

0:20:330:20:35

LAUGHTER

0:20:350:20:37

So many emotions went through me.

0:20:370:20:41

And not to dwell on this picture too much,

0:20:410:20:43

but some of these tattoos are real?

0:20:430:20:48

Well, yeah. Zack had the idea, he wanted to put my tattoo -

0:20:480:20:54

this is my family crest -

0:20:540:20:56

he wanted to put it everywhere.

0:20:560:20:58

Oh, OK. These are just, are they...?

0:20:580:21:01

They're like stickers, it takes quite a bit.

0:21:010:21:04

I mean, it's about an hour and a half make-up in the morning

0:21:040:21:06

just to put them all on -

0:21:060:21:07

but there's, like, 20-odd pieces they have to put on

0:21:070:21:11

and it takes a long time to get them off.

0:21:110:21:14

It's the same in Sense And Sensibility!

0:21:140:21:16

LAUGHTER

0:21:160:21:18

Now, recently you celebrated your birthday on the set...

0:21:200:21:24

You've already finished the stand-alone Aquaman movie.

0:21:240:21:27

-Yeah. Two weeks ago I just finished Aquaman, yeah, in Australia.

-Wow.

0:21:270:21:31

So that's in Australia. Here you all are celebrating your birthday.

0:21:310:21:34

So this is your family - I mean, not all of them.

0:21:340:21:36

-I think the ones at the front are your family.

-Yes.

0:21:360:21:39

My babies, yeah. That's Wolf and Lola.

0:21:390:21:42

Because you live on a... Is it a ranch?

0:21:420:21:44

Yes, yeah, we've got around five, six acres

0:21:440:21:49

up in California, and a bunch of animals.

0:21:490:21:54

-Nice.

-It's kind of nice, cos there's no service,

0:21:540:21:57

so we don't have a lot of TV so they don't get to see much,

0:21:570:22:00

but they got to see the movie lately, which was phenomenal.

0:22:000:22:04

Cos I've never been able to show my kids -

0:22:040:22:06

they've never seen The Wizard Of Oz -

0:22:060:22:08

so I was worried, coming into it, to show them Justice League...

0:22:080:22:12

..but it was amazing, cos my kids can't watch anything that I'm in.

0:22:120:22:16

My grandmother can't watch anything. I mean, my family...

0:22:160:22:18

I'm like, "Don't watch that one,

0:22:180:22:20

"you're going to want to skip that one.

0:22:200:22:21

"Eventually I'll be able to do something you can watch."

0:22:210:22:24

It was really amazing to be able to watch...

0:22:240:22:26

At least they could, if they wanted to.

0:22:260:22:28

I mean, they might want to, but mine don't even want to watch me!

0:22:280:22:31

I begged them to. They're sitting there watching Dinotrux.

0:22:330:22:37

I say, "No! What about one of Daddy's films?"

0:22:370:22:39

I'll shove in, you know, I've done some lovely films,

0:22:410:22:44

like the Pirates cartoon, you can't get funnier or nicer than that,

0:22:440:22:47

and I shove it in the DVD and there's tears and tantrums.

0:22:470:22:52

We're back to Dinotrux in five seconds.

0:22:520:22:54

I have to say, Dinotrux is pretty good!

0:22:540:22:56

The thing is, in terms of being a parent now,

0:22:580:23:00

Sarah Millican, you decided quite early this was not for you.

0:23:000:23:04

Yeah, I don't like kids, no offence!

0:23:040:23:07

I'm sure yours are lovely but I'm glad they're not here!

0:23:080:23:11

No interest at all.

0:23:120:23:15

I, yeah, I was on holiday,

0:23:150:23:17

so we went on two holidays abroad when I was a kid,

0:23:170:23:19

Malta when I was four and Spain when I was eight.

0:23:190:23:22

And when we were in Spain, when I was eight,

0:23:220:23:24

my present I got on holiday was a baby doll.

0:23:240:23:27

But it was like this. It was giant.

0:23:270:23:31

And I remember having an inkling then, like, what childbirth was,

0:23:310:23:36

I knew that it came out of a part of the woman and I thought, "No!"

0:23:360:23:42

I knew there was no hole on me that would ever manage that!

0:23:420:23:45

And the fun thing about the baby doll was that it had a dummy,

0:23:470:23:51

you took the dummy out, the baby cried, put the dummy back in,

0:23:510:23:54

baby stopped crying. Brilliant.

0:23:540:23:55

This one particular night, you know people,

0:23:550:23:58

women often think that the day they became a woman

0:23:580:24:00

was the day that their period started?

0:24:000:24:03

Not for me. On this one night, we lost the dummy

0:24:030:24:06

so the baby was constantly crying.

0:24:060:24:10

And I was bitten on the nipple by a mosquito.

0:24:100:24:13

And it grew an actual boob.

0:24:150:24:16

So I think that's the night I became a woman because I was eight

0:24:180:24:22

but I wore a bra and my baby would not shut the fuck up!

0:24:220:24:25

APPLAUSE

0:24:250:24:27

Hey, everyone, Sarah Millican has written a book! Yes, she has.

0:24:320:24:34

APPLAUSE

0:24:340:24:37

A really successful book, How To Be Champion.

0:24:370:24:40

You were number one in the Sunday Times bestseller list.

0:24:400:24:43

-I know!

-Which must be such a thrill.

-It was ridiculous.

0:24:430:24:47

I don't know why it was, but I'm really pleased it was.

0:24:470:24:50

Yeah, well, of course. It's a memoir,

0:24:500:24:52

-it is the story of your life...

-Yes.

-..but it also contains advice.

0:24:520:24:56

And some of it's funny advice but some of it's real advice.

0:24:560:24:59

Yeah, well, I decided...

0:24:590:25:00

There's something really arrogant about writing an autobiography

0:25:000:25:03

cos you just think, it's really odd to say to people,

0:25:030:25:05

"Well, I'm assuming you all want to know all about me!"

0:25:050:25:08

And people are, "Not really." So I decided, I wondered,

0:25:080:25:11

cos I'm quite practical and I like to sort of fix things,

0:25:110:25:13

if I have problems, I like to work out how to make them better.

0:25:130:25:15

And I thought, "I wonder if some of the things that have helped me

0:25:150:25:18

"might help other people." And it's interesting cos some of the people

0:25:180:25:21

who have sent me messages who have read it and enjoyed it,

0:25:210:25:23

which is great, have, like, skipped the divorce chapter,

0:25:230:25:26

-because they're...

-STRAINED:

-..happily married.

0:25:260:25:29

And I think that's adorable

0:25:290:25:30

but I hope they put that book on the shelf

0:25:300:25:32

and they take it back out in a few years' time...

0:25:320:25:35

..when they might need it, cos you never know! You never know.

0:25:350:25:39

-It's a keeper!

-Yeah, it really is.

0:25:390:25:41

-It's like a reference book, really.

-Yeah!

0:25:410:25:43

And I don't want to misrepresent the book in any way,

0:25:430:25:45

-because it is a really funny book...

-Thanks.

0:25:450:25:47

..and there's lots of really great stories, but you also,

0:25:470:25:50

I came away with the impression of someone who struggles a bit

0:25:500:25:56

with some of the aspects of your success and of your fame.

0:25:560:26:00

Yeah, I'm quite shy, generally, so people don't really understand

0:26:000:26:05

how you can stand in front of an audience and be shy.

0:26:050:26:08

But it's because there's a gap!

0:26:080:26:10

I'm on the stage and they're over there and all listening,

0:26:100:26:13

looking at me, which is what I like.

0:26:130:26:15

But I don't go to parties, that sort of thing.

0:26:150:26:18

But what I find is, the kind of oddness...

0:26:180:26:20

I suppose social media is a major difference,

0:26:200:26:22

maybe it was different before social media

0:26:220:26:25

in that you can be kind of attacked on social media or even just...

0:26:250:26:29

I had this man once just send me a message saying,

0:26:290:26:32

"I've just watched you put your bin out."

0:26:320:26:34

Which is not a euphemism.

0:26:340:26:36

It was just my bin.

0:26:360:26:39

But that's the sort of thing that was quite scary to see, that.

0:26:390:26:42

-No, that is scary.

-Yeah - it's not threatening,

0:26:420:26:44

but it was still a bit like,

0:26:440:26:46

"Did he see that I didn't put all the recycling in the recycling bin?"

0:26:460:26:49

And it's that sort of...

0:26:510:26:52

..when you're quite a private person,

0:26:520:26:55

I find that quite jarring, a little bit.

0:26:550:26:57

-Not being able to turn it off?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Absolutely,

0:26:570:27:00

and not being able to, you know, put your bin out just in your pants

0:27:000:27:03

-if you want to.

-Yeah.

0:27:030:27:04

-Fully dressed.

-Cos I have to say, you have been, I think, really brave

0:27:040:27:09

in the way that you've taken on the press.

0:27:090:27:12

Because I feel, with the press, you'll win battles,

0:27:120:27:15

but in the end they may win the war.

0:27:150:27:18

I mean, are you worried they're just going to crush you,

0:27:180:27:20

just find something to finally finish you off with?

0:27:200:27:23

LAUGHTER

0:27:250:27:28

Yes.

0:27:280:27:29

Well, I mean, look, I think they've got every skeleton in my cupboard.

0:27:310:27:34

-There's a lot.

-Yes.

-But I think they've had them all now.

0:27:340:27:37

-Woohoo!

-No, no. I mean, you can't take that line, really,

0:27:370:27:41

cos our lives are lovely, they're basically lovely.

0:27:410:27:44

It's when people around you - your family, your innocent family,

0:27:440:27:48

your 89-year-old dad gets woken up in the middle of the night

0:27:480:27:51

and asked questions, that's when you get angry.

0:27:510:27:54

But we're all right, we're all right, we're rich,

0:27:540:27:57

we get lots of attention!

0:27:570:28:00

But I think it's also the people who have no recourse, you know,

0:28:000:28:02

-it's cos...

-Yeah.

-We have voices, and loud voices.

0:28:020:28:06

-That's it.

-It is people who live in a street in town

0:28:060:28:09

and they end up in the papers and they've got no way...

0:28:090:28:11

And these are the people.

0:28:110:28:13

My campaign, Hacked Off, is entirely those people.

0:28:130:28:15

It's people who've lost children in road accidents

0:28:150:28:17

and then had their privacy invaded by national newspapers.

0:28:170:28:20

It's all them, and it's not a celebrity, poor me, organisation.

0:28:200:28:25

APPLAUSE OK, brilliant, yeah.

0:28:250:28:27

Very good.

0:28:290:28:31

Now, Jason, cos you have this incredibly strong look, you know?

0:28:310:28:36

-It's the forehead!

-Yeah - but, no, it's everything.

0:28:360:28:38

-The caveman forehead.

-Yeah, it's a look,

0:28:380:28:40

but you do take your acting very seriously.

0:28:400:28:42

You know, you approach each role -

0:28:420:28:44

-and was it Conan that you were quite method for Conan?

-Er...

0:28:440:28:49

Yeah, I had some stupid idea to, er...

0:28:490:28:52

You know, you idolise actors,

0:28:520:28:55

when I was growing up, Marlon Brando was obviously a huge one,

0:28:550:28:58

and I heard in Streetcar, like, he got punched in the nose

0:28:580:29:02

-so he could change his face. And...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:29:020:29:06

Yeah, I asked a buddy to punch me in the face

0:29:060:29:08

and I'd never had my nose broken, and it broke straight on.

0:29:080:29:11

But in Conan, there's a gigantic bump hook in there

0:29:110:29:14

and my wife was so pissed!

0:29:140:29:17

I hope I don't have a friend who would do that for me.

0:29:180:29:22

I would for you, if you want!

0:29:220:29:24

Apparently I do!

0:29:240:29:26

Because, because... Now, you've been in so many films,

0:29:290:29:32

very experienced in front of the camera,

0:29:320:29:35

but in real life, didn't you pretend to be your own agent?

0:29:350:29:39

I did. I've never been very good with being agented,

0:29:390:29:43

or with agents, and I fire them left, right and centre.

0:29:430:29:46

I fired one poor man who was a brilliant agent

0:29:460:29:48

just because I saw his anus.

0:29:480:29:50

-He...

-Not just 10% of it?

0:29:530:29:55

-APPLAUSE

-It was ridiculous.

0:29:580:30:00

We were at some film festival and his shower broke down,

0:30:000:30:03

he wanted to borrow my bath in my suite and I said all right.

0:30:030:30:06

I forgot he was in there and I walked in

0:30:060:30:08

and he was on all fours washing. Who washes like that?

0:30:080:30:12

I've never heard of such a thing! And, anyway, the view was awful.

0:30:120:30:16

Why...? I don't understand! He was on all fours?

0:30:170:30:20

Yes, and his bottom towards me, this awful, soapy...

0:30:200:30:23

..flag of Japan.

0:30:250:30:27

I had to say, "You're a great agent, I'm really very fond of you,

0:30:290:30:32

"but I've seen your anus and you've got to go."

0:30:320:30:35

I did then invent an agent for three or four years

0:30:360:30:39

called James Howe Ealy, which saved a lot of money, you know,

0:30:390:30:43

people would send me a script and James Howe Ealy would say,

0:30:430:30:46

"Thank you so much for submitting the script,

0:30:460:30:48

"I'll get it to Hugh as soon as possible and get back to you."

0:30:480:30:51

But I got caught out in the end

0:30:510:30:52

because I used to, you know, do these e-mails a bit drunk

0:30:520:30:55

and, you know, I'd say, "Hugh's read the script

0:30:550:30:57

"and he really enjoys it, he'd like to meet up.

0:30:570:31:00

"Best wishes, Hugh."

0:31:000:31:01

And then they rang one time and I was sort of,

0:31:050:31:08

"I haven't got a voice for James Howe Ealy!"

0:31:080:31:11

And for some reason I panicked

0:31:110:31:14

and I went with genteel Edinburgh old lady.

0:31:140:31:16

It was pretty much Janet from Doctor Finlay.

0:31:170:31:20

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Well, hello now.

0:31:200:31:22

"Shall we have a wee cup of tea then?"

0:31:220:31:25

Ludicrous and unconvincing.

0:31:250:31:27

-Yeah.

-On the anus front...

0:31:280:31:30

I was recently, I woke up the other day and I was lying on the bed

0:31:310:31:34

and I've got a little dog, a little rescue dog, adorable thing,

0:31:340:31:37

and he was lying on one of my boobs,

0:31:370:31:38

which is tricky when they're in a bra

0:31:380:31:40

but very easy when they're not, sort of a comfy cushion.

0:31:400:31:43

And he pushed himself off the boob, pushed himself and it really hurt

0:31:430:31:47

so I made a noise, a noise of pain.

0:31:470:31:49

At the same time, unbeknownst to me,

0:31:490:31:52

my husband was bent over picking up a sock off the floor,

0:31:520:31:55

fully naked with his anus in much the same situation,

0:31:550:31:59

spread in my face.

0:31:590:32:01

And the noise that I made,

0:32:010:32:02

he thought I was making that noise because of what I'd just seen!

0:32:020:32:07

And the noise I made was this. "Aaah!"

0:32:070:32:10

And I said to him, "I've been with you for 13 years,

0:32:110:32:14

"I love you very dearly,

0:32:140:32:15

"I would never make a noise upon seeing any part of you.

0:32:150:32:18

"I might do a face.

0:32:180:32:20

"I might do a little retch. Ugh. A little...

0:32:210:32:25

"But it would be entirely inaudible."

0:32:250:32:27

I love him too much!

0:32:270:32:28

And, Sarah Millican, very quickly, you are also back on tour.

0:32:310:32:34

-Yes.

-Control Enthusiast. It's 130 dates.

0:32:340:32:37

-Yeah, it's sort of a year.

-Wow.

-I've little gaps so I don't go mad,

0:32:370:32:42

and I get to remind myself what my husband looks like.

0:32:420:32:45

His face, hopefully not the rest of him!

0:32:450:32:48

Not just his anus!

0:32:480:32:50

Who knew I had an anus story?!

0:32:510:32:53

-It's good to know.

-Jason...

0:32:530:32:55

I have too many to disclose.

0:32:550:32:57

Right, it's time for our musical guest tonight.

0:32:590:33:02

This artist rose to fame as the first winner of American Idol.

0:33:020:33:05

Since then, she has sold over 25 million albums

0:33:050:33:08

and won three Grammys.

0:33:080:33:10

Now she's back with a brand-new album.

0:33:100:33:12

Here performing Love So Soft, it is Kelly Clarkson!

0:33:120:33:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:150:33:17

# Every kiss is a door

0:33:260:33:29

# Can I knock on yours?

0:33:290:33:31

# Can we knock a little more?

0:33:310:33:33

# If a touch is a key

0:33:330:33:37

# Keep on twistin', keep unlockin' keep on turnin' me

0:33:370:33:41

-# Let me in

-Ah-ah

0:33:410:33:45

# I wanna be closer to you. let you under my skin

0:33:450:33:49

-# If I let you in

-Ah-ah

0:33:490:33:51

# You gotta be careful with it

0:33:520:33:54

-# Let me tell you again

-Hey!

0:33:540:33:56

# Love so soft

0:33:560:33:58

# You ain't had nothin' softer

0:33:580:34:00

# Break it, then you buy it and it's sure gonna cost ya

0:34:000:34:03

# Love so soft

0:34:030:34:05

# That you can't rub off

0:34:050:34:07

# You gon' love it, if you try it

0:34:070:34:09

# Gotcha hooked now you're caught up

0:34:090:34:12

-# Love so soft, so soft

-So soft

0:34:120:34:15

# Love so soft, so soft

0:34:150:34:18

# If a thought was a truth

0:34:180:34:21

# We'd be doin' all the kinds of things I know you wanna do

0:34:210:34:25

-# But I need, need to know

-Need to know

0:34:250:34:28

# Will you protect me, respect me if I let you close?

0:34:280:34:33

-# Hey, let me in

-Let me in, let me in

0:34:330:34:37

# I wanna be closer to you let you under my skin

0:34:370:34:40

-# If I let you in

-If I let you in, let you in

0:34:400:34:44

# You gotta be careful with it

0:34:440:34:46

-# Let me tell you again

-Hey!

0:34:460:34:48

# Love so soft

0:34:480:34:49

# You ain't had nothin' softer

0:34:490:34:52

# Break it, then you buy it and it's sure gonna cost ya

0:34:520:34:55

# Love so soft

0:34:550:34:57

# That you can't rub off

0:34:570:34:59

# You gon' love it, if you try it gotcha hooked,

0:34:590:35:01

# Now you're caught up

0:35:010:35:03

# Love so soft, so soft

0:35:030:35:07

-# Love so soft

-So soft

0:35:070:35:10

# If you want this love gotta hold it tight

0:35:100:35:14

# Never let it go, baby let it give you life

0:35:140:35:17

# If you want this love gotta hold it tight

0:35:170:35:21

# Never let it go, baby let it give you life

0:35:210:35:25

-# Love

-Love so soft

0:35:250:35:27

-# You ain't had nothin' softer

-You ain't had

0:35:270:35:29

# Break it, then you buy it and it's sure gonna cost ya

0:35:290:35:32

-# Love

-Love so soft

0:35:320:35:34

-# That you can't rub off

-Hey!

0:35:340:35:35

# You gon' love it, if you try it gotcha hooked

0:35:350:35:38

# Now you're caught up

0:35:380:35:40

-# Love so soft, so soft

-If you want it

0:35:400:35:42

-# Love so soft, so soft

-If you want it

0:35:420:35:44

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Hey-oh

0:35:440:35:47

-# Love so soft, so soft

-So soft

0:35:470:35:51

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Oh, yeah

0:35:510:35:54

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Oh

0:35:540:35:58

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Come on, love, come on, come on

0:35:580:36:01

-# Love, love, love

-Love so soft, so soft

0:36:010:36:04

-# Love, love, love

-Love so soft, so soft

0:36:040:36:06

-# If you want it, baby

-Love so soft, so soft. #

0:36:060:36:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:100:36:13

Kelly Clarkson, and her singers and her band, oh!

0:36:190:36:22

So good to have you back.

0:36:240:36:26

Lovely to see you, Kelly.

0:36:260:36:27

-Thank you.

-Kelly Clarkson, everybody.

0:36:270:36:29

In you come, meet the gang.

0:36:290:36:32

Jason. Sarah. Hugh.

0:36:320:36:34

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:36:340:36:37

-Nice to see you.

-HUGH:

-Nice to meet you.

0:36:370:36:39

-KELLY:

-Yeah, nice to meet you as well.

0:36:390:36:41

Very good. So, now, that song...

0:36:410:36:44

I love this show, you get to drink!

0:36:440:36:47

-Woohoo!

-Yes! The greatest.

0:36:470:36:49

Now, the new album, it's called Meaning Of Life.

0:36:490:36:52

-It's out now. There it is.

-Yes, just come out.

0:36:520:36:55

-That song is obviously on it.

-Yeah.

0:36:550:36:57

Now, here's the... This is... I was amazed by this fact.

0:36:570:37:01

-So, you win American Idol 15 years ago.

-Mm-hm.

0:37:010:37:04

This is your first album beyond that contract?

0:37:040:37:09

Yes.

0:37:090:37:10

-It's, like, done, yeah.

-That's nuts.

-Insane! I know, I know.

0:37:120:37:16

You know what? It was successful, though, you know,

0:37:160:37:18

we had a very successful arranged marriage, so, yeah.

0:37:180:37:21

-But, I mean, I was on a competition, you sign a contract.

-Yeah.

0:37:210:37:24

It changes your life, there are pros and cons, so, yeah.

0:37:240:37:26

But you've sold 25 million albums, you've won all of those Grammys.

0:37:260:37:31

Doesn't that give you a bit of, "I can win a fight now"?

0:37:310:37:35

Well, it gives me - that's not even my best work,

0:37:350:37:37

that's why I feel so excited about this album,

0:37:370:37:39

you know what I'm saying? This album is, like, so much better than those.

0:37:390:37:42

I love those, I love singing them, I don't have a problem,

0:37:420:37:45

I love all my hits that I've had, I'm not that person...

0:37:450:37:47

Were you keeping your good ideas back for after the 15 years?

0:37:470:37:50

-No...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:37:500:37:52

Really restrained.

0:37:520:37:54

-Like, a drawer of amazing songs.

-Yeah.

-Here they are!

0:37:540:37:58

People will always be, like, "Are you nervous about this record?"

0:37:580:38:01

Every time I'd have a new record, I'm like,

0:38:010:38:03

"No, cos I haven't really..."

0:38:030:38:04

I hadn't felt like I'd done my best yet.

0:38:040:38:06

I haven't been able to really nail a record how I wanted to.

0:38:060:38:09

Atlantic Records was amazing to work with.

0:38:090:38:12

This is a proud musical footprint for me.

0:38:120:38:16

And great that, after 15 years, you get to feel like that.

0:38:160:38:18

-You get to feel like, "Right, let's get started."

-First time artist.

0:38:180:38:21

-Yeah.

-Yeah, no, it is - and it's cool, too,

0:38:210:38:23

because I think 15 years into any career, whatever your vocation is,

0:38:230:38:27

I think it's exciting to have something fresh going on.

0:38:270:38:30

You're a very different person than you were 15 years ago.

0:38:300:38:32

Oh, I don't know about y'all, but I hate my 20-year-old self.

0:38:320:38:36

All my 20s, I'm like, "She's annoying!"

0:38:360:38:38

She's annoying, she was very egocentric, dramatic, and...

0:38:380:38:44

I'm still a bit dramatic!

0:38:440:38:46

No, I just, I feel like, my life, especially having children,

0:38:460:38:49

you know, we have four kids, that's a lot of selflessness.

0:38:490:38:53

I don't know, I think perspective kind of changes your world.

0:38:530:38:56

I think it was the last time you were here,

0:38:560:38:58

Kelly brought her daughter.

0:38:580:39:00

I did, River, she was young, yeah.

0:39:000:39:01

And the happiest baby I have ever encountered. I mean...

0:39:010:39:05

-Yeah, and now...

-Miserable!

0:39:050:39:08

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:39:080:39:10

And she's super happy and then all of a sudden, just super not.

0:39:100:39:14

-Yeah, it's really fun.

-But isn't that...?

0:39:140:39:16

LAUGHTER

0:39:160:39:18

-But she likes...

-You didn't mean the word fun, there. No, no.

0:39:180:39:21

It's like, take the wine in a bathroom and cry it out with God.

0:39:210:39:25

Cos then you're like, "I don't want to kill her!"

0:39:250:39:27

-"I still love you!"

-She's super great, though.

0:39:290:39:32

Sometimes she's like this little unicorn, sometimes -

0:39:320:39:34

she's very magical, very infectious, in a good way.

0:39:340:39:36

And nearly extinct.

0:39:360:39:38

-No, it's fictional, it was never a thing.

-They never lived.

0:39:380:39:43

-Extinct!

-Am I wrong, am I wrong?

-No...

0:39:430:39:46

Is it a real bear?

0:39:460:39:47

But isn't that the song, Love So Soft, that she likes?

0:39:510:39:54

Well, she does, but she can't say her Fs yet.

0:39:540:39:56

So it sounds like her mother's an alcoholic

0:39:560:39:59

because she says "love so sauced", you know?

0:39:590:40:02

We have a very drunken love at our household.

0:40:020:40:05

She just can't say her Fs, so it's fun to hear her sing all the songs.

0:40:050:40:08

Well, you did very well tonight. Thank you so much for singing that.

0:40:080:40:11

APPLAUSE Congratulations on the album.

0:40:110:40:13

Kelly Clarkson, everybody.

0:40:130:40:14

Right, that's nearly it, but before we go,

0:40:160:40:18

there's time for a visit to the big red chair.

0:40:180:40:20

-Who is there? Hello! Hi!

-Hi.

0:40:200:40:22

-Who are you?

-I'm John.

0:40:220:40:24

John, lovely - and where are you from, John?

0:40:240:40:26

I live in London, originally from Northern Ireland.

0:40:260:40:28

HE MIMICS HIM: Northern Ireland!

0:40:280:40:30

Whereabouts in Northern Ireland?

0:40:310:40:33

In Bangor, just outside Belfast in Northern Ireland.

0:40:330:40:36

Oh, Bangor's lovely, Bangor. It's a seaside resort. Oh, yes.

0:40:360:40:40

-But you live here now?

-I do.

-And what do you do here?

0:40:400:40:43

I try to make it easier for people with disabilities to bank.

0:40:430:40:48

-To what?!

-To BANK!

0:40:480:40:50

-To bank?

-B.

0:40:500:40:52

APPLAUSE

0:40:530:40:55

My career guidance officer...

0:41:000:41:02

..never suggested that to me.

0:41:040:41:05

I can't wait to hear his story now.

0:41:140:41:17

Off you go, sir.

0:41:170:41:18

So, I got up one morning, as usual,

0:41:180:41:21

getting myself ready to go to work,

0:41:210:41:24

and from getting out of bed,

0:41:240:41:26

in the 20 feet or so to get to the bathroom,

0:41:260:41:29

I was in excruciating pain around the rectal region.

0:41:290:41:35

-What?

-Yeah.

-His bumhole.

-Arsehole.

-I get it!

0:41:350:41:40

I'm concerned. I know what that is.

0:41:400:41:43

-And then...

-Dr Clarkson's very concerned!

0:41:430:41:48

I think you should go to the ER at that point.

0:41:480:41:50

Well, I did go to the doctors, got seen straightaway.

0:41:500:41:55

He says, "Right, can you remove your trousers and underwear

0:41:550:41:58

"and lie down and think happy thoughts?"

0:41:580:42:01

So he rummaged about and he then...

0:42:010:42:04

Oh, my gosh!

0:42:040:42:06

..he asked me a question,

0:42:060:42:08

"Do you like asparagus?"

0:42:080:42:11

And pulled out an asparagus tip from my anus.

0:42:110:42:15

Bizarrely, I had not eaten asparagus for months.

0:42:170:42:21

-What?!

-So I have no idea where it was from.

0:42:210:42:23

What?!

0:42:240:42:27

APPLAUSE

0:42:270:42:29

I'm slightly offended!

0:42:340:42:36

Answers on a postcard.

0:42:360:42:38

What the hell was that about?

0:42:400:42:41

-HUGH:

-Who comes on national television

0:42:410:42:43

and talks about anuses like that?

0:42:430:42:44

And also it would be harder to, yeah, get in and then get out

0:42:440:42:47

cos they're sort of weird at the top, aren't they? I don't know.

0:42:470:42:50

-KELLY:

-Oh, my gosh!

-But also, did someone break into his house

0:42:500:42:52

and insert some asparagus in him?

0:42:520:42:55

Because if it was cooked, surely that wouldn't hurt you, would it?

0:42:550:42:59

-I don't understand.

-No!

0:42:590:43:02

We've got questions, you shouldn't have tipped him.

0:43:020:43:04

-HUGH:

-Get him out here!

0:43:040:43:05

One more, one more, one more. OK, here we go.

0:43:070:43:09

-Hello.

-Hello!

-Hi! What's your name?

0:43:090:43:11

-I'm Jane.

-Jane. Lovely, Jane. And where are you from?

0:43:110:43:13

-I'm from Marlow in Buckinghamshire.

-Lovely, full address!

0:43:130:43:16

And what do you do?

0:43:160:43:18

I'm retired now but I was a practice manager at a health centre.

0:43:180:43:22

Oh, OK.

0:43:220:43:23

Medically based. Maybe she can explain the asparagus!

0:43:230:43:26

No-one can explain the asparagus.

0:43:310:43:34

Twitter's going to go crazy.

0:43:350:43:37

All right, off you go with your story, Jane.

0:43:400:43:43

OK. So, I'm a woman of a certain age

0:43:430:43:45

and I got to a menopause state where, you know,

0:43:450:43:49

things were going wrong with my body, etc,

0:43:490:43:51

so I happened to mention it to a friend, that I was not...

0:43:510:43:53

..you know, I was not coping particularly well,

0:43:530:43:56

and she said, "Oh, I've got a great gadget for you.

0:43:560:43:58

"It's a magnet." She gave me the magnet and she said,

0:43:580:44:00

"You just put it in your pants."

0:44:000:44:02

It was about the size of a £2 coin.

0:44:020:44:04

Wait, did it vibrate? Like, where are we going with this?

0:44:040:44:06

-I know where we're going with this.

-LAUGHTER

0:44:060:44:11

APPLAUSE

0:44:120:44:14

This sounds like a job for Aquaman!

0:44:160:44:19

He can breathe underwater!

0:44:200:44:22

-I'm sorry.

-Sorry, we've interrupted,

0:44:320:44:35

so you've got a magnet in your pants.

0:44:350:44:37

A magnet in my pants, and I toddle off to work

0:44:370:44:39

and I get into the office and I saw these metal filing cabinets

0:44:390:44:42

in the office so I thought, "I wonder..."

0:44:420:44:46

So I lurched myself forward at one of the metal cabinets

0:44:460:44:49

and attached myself to the cabinet,

0:44:490:44:52

to the hilarity of all my office colleagues.

0:44:520:44:55

And then my boss came in to try and find out what the noise was

0:44:550:44:59

and of course, there I was, attached to a filing cabinet with my pants.

0:44:590:45:04

-That's my story.

-Oh, my...

0:45:040:45:05

Oh, oh, oh, it's a trigger finger.

0:45:050:45:08

Oh, you wanted to save the nice lady?

0:45:080:45:11

-Yeah, I liked her story very much.

-Did you?

0:45:110:45:14

I find you harsh!

0:45:140:45:15

APPLAUSE

0:45:160:45:18

Well done, everyone, on the big red chair.

0:45:180:45:20

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go,

0:45:200:45:22

you can contact us via our website at this address.

0:45:220:45:25

That is it for tonight.

0:45:250:45:27

Please say thank you to my guests, Jason Momoa...

0:45:270:45:29

..Kelly Clarkson...

0:45:300:45:32

..Sarah Millican...

0:45:330:45:34

..and Mr Hugh Grant! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:45:340:45:36

Next week is Children In Need,

0:45:390:45:41

so we'll see you the Friday after that with pop star Kesha,

0:45:410:45:44

actor John Lithgow, Strictly judge Shirley Ballas,

0:45:440:45:47

the hilarious Will Ferrell,

0:45:470:45:49

the always entertaining Mark Wahlberg

0:45:490:45:50

and, for the first time, Oscar-winner Mel Gibson.

0:45:500:45:53

I'll see you then! Goodnight, everybody. Bye-bye!

0:45:530:45:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:45:550:45:57

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