Episode 7 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening. My name's Hugh Grant and this is the Graham Norton Show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language.

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh!

Oh, too kind! Too kind! Too kind! Thank you!

Thank you very much. Oh, do you love me?

Good evening, everybody! You're very welcome!

I'm delighted to tell you we have a great show for you tonight.

I tell you, my sofa's attracted more celebrities

than a dodgy offshore tax scheme.

Ooh, everyone's talking about the Paradise Papers.

There have even been investigations

into the royal family's financial affairs.

Yeah.

I mean, you know it's bad when they start probing the Queen's loophole.

Now, the papers also suggest

Prince Charles has money put away offshore.

Charles hasn't been able to respond,

as he's currently out of the country...

..visiting his money.

LAUGHTER

Is he wearing a mankini? What is that?

LAUGHTER

Now, in political news,

Minister for International Development Priti Patel

hasn't had the best of weeks.

No - on Wednesday she flew back from Africa

for a meeting with Theresa May,

and was met at the airport by a taxi driver

you know, holding up one of those signs.

Luckily, though, all these ministerial sackings

aren't bothering Theresa May.

No, she's just carrying on with today's cabinet meeting as usual.

LAUGHTER

And finally, Donald Trump has been visiting Asia this week -

mm, whether they like it or not.

Turns out - not!

South Korean protestors have taken to trolling Trump on Twitter.

Although interestingly, if you Google the words troll and Trump,

you seriously get this.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

Perfect for Christmas!

Mind you - this is amazing, you may have seen this -

this is not the only likeness of Trump that's been spotted this week.

A woman in Tyneside noticed Donald Trump's face

inside her dog's ear.

LAUGHTER

Earhole, arsehole - you decide.

Let's get some guests on!

Later we'll have music and chat

from singing sensation Kelly Clarkson!

Yeah!

She's going to be performing her new single, Love So Soft.

But first, she's one of the UK's top comedians,

and now she's turned author with her new book, How To Be Champion,

please welcome back Sarah Millican!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello! Let me greet you.

How are you, darling? Lovely to see you!

Sarah Millican, everybody!

He's gone from Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones

to Aquaman in Justice League -

it's a first-time welcome to Mr Jason Momoa!

CHEERING Oh, yeah! There you go.

That's your ACTUAL Jason Momoa.

Hello! Lovely to see you.

Come in. Sarah, Jason.

And from Four Weddings And A Funeral to Notting Hill,

Love Actually and Bridget Jones,

he's become one of our most beloved stars,

now playing a scene-stealing villain in Paddington 2,

it's always a pleasure to welcome the great Hugh Grant!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo!

Hello, sir, very nice to see you.

Hello.

Sarah, Jason. Come in! Sit down, sit down, sit down.

You know, often people come in from superhero movies

and they're just sort of like actors, but you're it!

-How tall are you?

-I think 6'5".

-6'5"!

-Yeah.

-Wow.

It's funny cos my dad's like 5'9" and my mum's like 5'8", so...

-Where did you come from then?

-Milkman, you know.

LAUGHTER

-Pizza delivery guy, I don't know.

-Questions were asked!

-Now, Sarah Millican, very lovely to have you here.

-Thanks.

And obviously I'm sure you enjoy Jason Momoa's work.

-Mm.

-But you are, I know, a fan of Mr Grant.

-Yes.

-Hi!

-LAUGHTER

Shut up!

Yeah, of course, isn't everybody?

-Yes!

-No, no.

-CHEERING

You are so nice but...

-..lots of people hate me.

-LAUGHTER

-My son hates me.

-No!

Yeah, he came to see Paddington 2 the other day

and all he said throughout the whole film

is, "Why is Daddy in it so much?"

LAUGHTER

My favourite is Sense And Sensibility.

-Ah.

-I love it. Oh, my God, I watch it sort of...

-Is weekly bad?

-LAUGHTER

-No, I watch it weekly too.

-Do you really watch it that often?

It's one of my... It's a comfort film, let's call it that.

I have three. Do you want to know what the other ones are?

Yes, very much.

So, it's Sense And Sensibility,

Muppet Christmas Carol - regardless of what time of year.

-Yeah.

-And San Andreas, which is a disaster film with The Rock.

LAUGHTER

-So it's quite a good mix of things.

-Yes, mix it up!

-Yeah.

Now, Jason, you've only just got to Britain.

Yeah, I've been here for probably a week.

Oh, OK. But you seem to like it here.

-You go out and about.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-I'm known for my shenanigans and...

-Yes!

-..and enjoying the scenery.

We spotted you around London with your widow from Game of Thrones.

-Yes.

-Emilia Clarke, she posted this picture of the two of you.

-Aww. What a nice picture!

-When was it? Was this last week?

That was like three days ago.

I'd just, actually, flew over to Belfast,

I got back from Belfast right now.

OK, so Belfast in November,

why are you wearing a vest, Jason?

-LAUGHTER

-Is it because he looks like this?

This is the first time I've ever wore a turtleneck.

-Oh, really?

-My mother's going to be very proud of me.

But I'm going to be close to peeling this off and getting the...

-I'm fine with that!

-CHEERING

I burn hot!

-Don't let us stop you.

-Let's do the whole show topless!

-Yeah, let's all go topless.

-Come on.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

But fans must go crazy when they see the two of you together.

I go crazy when I see her.

Do they want you to start talking in - is it Dothraki?

Dothraki, yeah.

It's all nonsense, but you do speak some Dothraki.

I've been known to, yeah, say a few things.

-Go on, then.

-LAUGHTER

-For the ladies...

-OK!

-SARAH GIGGLES

Sorry, I know I love you but, sorry.

Oh, oh! He's touching me!

HE SPEAKS DOTHRAKI

-And for the gentleman...

-Oh, yes!

LAUGHTER

Excuse me.

HE SPEAKS DOTHRAKI ANGRILY

Oh, he's got so much more to say to men!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I feel let down.

Listen, the first film we're going to talk about tonight

is Hugh Grant starring in Paddington 2.

It opens tonight -

and I loved the first one,

so I think people are kind of worried about this,

but honestly, it's as good, if not better,

and you are brilliant in it, Hugh Grant.

Who do you play?

Well, I...

I got a letter with a script saying, "We're making Paddington 2

"and there's this part

"of an extremely self-obsessed ex-famous actor

"now fallen on hard times..."

LAUGHTER

And I was a fraction hurt.

But it was a very funny script and, in a way, it was therapeutic.

I have deep reservoirs of actual narcissism

and neurosis and anger and hatred of others

that I was able to tap.

Did you base it on specific actors?

Well, as I said, a lot of it came from me,

in the way a sort of self-portrait,

but there were actors from my past.

In the '80s I did theatre.

-Remember that.

-I remember that!

I mean, there were some brilliant characters.

A wonderful old boy in the theatre who... He was so good,

and, you know, the show would start at 8pm,

but at 3pm from his dressing room you'd start to hear,

"Nee-mee-nee-mee-nee-mee, maaaaaa-ah,

"maaaaaa, scrunchy mouse, loud lion!"

LAUGHTER

"Loud lion!"

And as a result, he had a wonderful voice

and he was just marvellously smooth and seamlessly pervy.

He used to...

I was sharing a dressing room with another young actor

and he always used to knock on our door before the show,

pretending it was to say good luck,

but, actually, it was to see us in our pants.

LAUGHTER

-Different times!

-Different times.

-Different times!

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, in Paddington 2...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, cos you are Phoenix...

-Buchanan.

-Buchanan!

-Yeah.

And you are the little bear's nemesis.

That's right, yes.

He's living a happy life now with the Browns

wherever it is in London - Notting Hill.

And one of his neighbours is this used-to-be-famous theatre actor

called Phoenix Buchanan,

and they end up wanting the same thing in life,

they want this pop-up book which turns out to be a treasure map.

And it ends up with me basically putting him in prison

-and trying to kill him.

-Oh.

It sounds very dark!

OK, let's go with putting him in prison...

-But there are dark bits.

-Yeah, there are dark bits.

-Yeah.

But it's all been very confusing for me

because Paddington Bear is voiced by Ben Whishaw,

who I'm also working with at the moment

in a thing about Jeremy Thorpe,

he's playing Norman Scott, my lover.

So I've spent all year

trying to either kill, imprison or bugger Ben Whishaw!

LAUGHTER

-Don't get them mixed up.

-That's the thing!

It'll make the children cry!

Shall we look at a clip? LAUGHTER

Have I done a bad job of selling the film?

-No, you haven't!

-It's really a sunny and lovely film!

-It is.

-But in all seriousness...

-GRAHAM LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Because I hate my films normally, I can't bear to watch them.

But I will say,

I can't find a flaw in this one, it's really good.

It's so good. It is so good.

-I'm very proud of it.

-Yeah, you should be.

-That's a bit better.

-Very good!

This is a charming clip of your character

meeting the little bear for the first time.

So, I'm going to ask one of you to come up here and open the fair.

Volunteers. Anyone?

-Eeny, meeny, miny...

-Ugh, ugh!

Bear.

Let's have the young bear, why not?

-Come, come young ursine.

-Thank you.

Up here, my furry friend. Very good, very good.

-Now, your name is?

-Paddington Brown.

Oh, well, of course it is, you are my new neighbour!

You live with Henry and Mary and the great Mrs...

HE MUMBLES

Now, then, I suppose you know who I am?

Oh, yes. You're a very famous actor.

-Oh, poo.

-Or used to be.

Now you do dog food commercials.

Well, a man has to eat.

What, dog food?

CROWD LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS

Very, very funny.

APPLAUSE

I can't remember, have you done this before in another film,

having to act with...

I think children have gone to bed, hopefully they have by now -

but, obviously, the bear's not there.

-So have you done that acting before?

-I'm sorry, what?

Don't listen. Don't listen.

I must say, my 89-year-old father came to the premiere the other day

and he did say to me halfway through the film, "Is that a real bear?"

-LAUGHTER

-Oh.

-Oh.

-"Dad, it talks!"

LAUGHTER

But it is very lifelike, so I suppose...

But what was there?

Was there anything there when you were doing that scene?

Well, no, sometimes there's a stick,

sometimes there's a wonderful very short actress,

and sometimes, most frightening of all,

there's a bear's head on a stick.

It looks like a kind of warning to bears. Yeah.

And in this film, because, you know, you kind of think,

a light children's film,

but your range, your range in this film -

the accents, the make-up -

it's a proper tour de force.

Well, yes, a lot of characters. A lot of characters

Yes, they've released stills of some of them.

There you are as a homeless man.

-Well... Magwitch from Great Expectations.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

Then here you are as a train conductor.

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-Terrifying.

-Yes.

And then perhaps, most touching and beautiful of all,

there you are.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-Were you very involved in creating the looks?

Uh, fairly involved.

The big surprise is you never know which costume

is going to get you going.

Maybe that's age, as well,

but something about being a nun was slightly arousing in a very...

-You don't know.

-Yeah.

I had to wear handcuffs in the Jeremy Thorpe thing

the other day and I thought, "Hello!"

LAUGHTER

-Still life to be lived!

-Yeah.

Cos, Jason Momoa, the characters you played have been so iconic,

people like to dress up as them.

So we've got a picture of you and Emilia as the Drogos.

-That's from the thing.

-The Drogos!

-What, you're Mr and Mrs Drogo, aren't you?

-Yes, yes, yes, yes!

They were a lovely family!

The Drogos, I just hadn't heard that before!

You know, the Drogos, the one with the Dragons!

They're coming over tonight, the Drogos.

I hope they don't bring that bloody dragon!

So that's actual Game of Thrones

with professional make up and costumes and everything.

So bear in mind, that's the real thing.

This is just a couple at home who've tried to recreate this.

It's pretty amazing.

LAUGHTER

Is it like looking in a mirror?

The attention to detail is marvellous, isn't it?

I particularly like what they've done with the room.

Oh, dear.

Right, Jason Momoa's film tonight

is Justice League, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING Yes, I know.

People have been waiting for Justice League.

It opens next Friday.

This is a DC Comics supergroup,

and this is your first real go at being Aquaman.

We haven't sort of seen you.

Yeah, we haven't, so, it's... We'll see if people like it.

I'm pretty excited.

They're all there, there's the Flash, Wonder Woman,

Batman, Cyborg and you, Aquaman.

Why? Why, Aquaman, have you all been joined together in this way?

-The world as we know it is going to end.

-No!

-Yes!

Oh, my God.

I hate to break the news to you, but...

Me and my friends kind of save you.

We're so grateful!

In terms of the superpowers -

cos obviously, you're all superheroes, you've got superpowers,

so, Aquaman, water-based, can breathe underwater, presumably?

-Yes.

-But what else can he do?

He can command the ocean.

So he can, you know - I basically talk to fish!

If you wanted me to, I don't know, make you sushi, I could do that.

If we were right next to water, I could be like, hand out...

Is that a superhero quality?

It sounds like Jonestown for fish!

Yeah, he's got super-strength and...

-That's good.

-Bulletproof. That's nice.

Why would you put bulletproof third after home-made sushi super quickly?

-There you go.

-You need to re-order.

-And you've got your...

Hang on, it's a...

-Quindent.

-Quindent.

-Quindent.

It's not the trident yet, we don't get the trident until a bit later.

-Next movie.

-I think the quindent is back there.

-Oh, wow.

-Is this the real quindent from the movie?

CHEERING

Good reaction to a fork, well done!

-Is it heavy?

-No.

-Can I have a...

-This one's the nice light one.

Oh, see, I could do that.

Aquawoman.

I could make sushi quicker!

-Can I do something with it?

-Yeah, go on, but don't hurt anybody.

Listen, I do break a lot of these.

-OK.

-I do break a lot of them, but...

-Oh, oh, oh, oh!

-Aah!

-Is it still in one piece?

-Here we go.

-Still in one piece. Let's see if I can get it right.

-Hi-yah!

-Oh, very good!

CHEERING

-That's all I got.

-Good fork work.

We've got a clip.

We've got a clip. Batman is sort of putting together the Justice League.

Yes, Batman and Wonder Woman.

You know, Batman's not known for playing well with others

and, obviously, the world's in peril,

Wonder Woman helps get these other characters with superpowers

to save the world and come together to, you know, save it.

-Yeah.

-All right, well, this is Batman trying to get you involved.

So let me get this straight.

You do it dressed like a bat, like an actual bat?

It worked for 20 years in Gotham.

When the fight comes, we'll need you.

-Don't count on it, Batman.

-Why not?

Cos I don't like you coming here digging into my business

and getting into my life.

People from Atlantis tell me to do this, now you say do that.

I want to be left alone.

That why you help these people out here

in the middle of nowhere, cos you can just leave?

I help them cos no-one else does.

You want to protect them, you need to work with me.

Strong men are strongest alone.

You ever heard that?

-That's not a saying.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-That's the opposite of what the saying is.

-Yeah.

Doesn't mean I'm wrong.

You ever hear of Superman?

He died fighting next to me.

My point exactly.

-What's in the three boxes?

-It's ancient history.

Mankind's melting the polar ice caps,

destroying the ecosystem - they had it coming?

Hey, I don't mind if the oceans rise.

How about if they boil?

Dressed like a bat -

you're out of your mind, Bruce Wayne.

APPLAUSE Ooh!

Good!

Now, that's actually Iceland.

That's Iceland.

-So that's cold, that water.

-Yeah, that was cold.

It doesn't look like it, but it was cold.

You do look very relaxed.

But were you wearing a thermal thing?

Yeah, you know, cos I was out there for a while,

so they have a very thin wet suit that you put on

so you don't freeze to death.

OK, well, that's good!

And it's funny cos they have a crane shot

that went out there in front of me

and I was walking out, but if you have a wet suit on,

the air gets kind of trapped in there.

You're just walking out and the bubbles start coming up

and right when he gets to the level where it's at,

all these bubbles come up,

and it looked like you'd farted.

The camera's right there and I start giggling cos of the bubbles

cos I can feel them go up, too.

And then I opened it up to let the air out

and then all of the cold went in!

So my reaction was like, "Ha-ha... Ooh-ooh!"

LAUGHTER

So many emotions went through me.

And not to dwell on this picture too much,

but some of these tattoos are real?

Well, yeah. Zack had the idea, he wanted to put my tattoo -

this is my family crest -

he wanted to put it everywhere.

Oh, OK. These are just, are they...?

They're like stickers, it takes quite a bit.

I mean, it's about an hour and a half make-up in the morning

just to put them all on -

but there's, like, 20-odd pieces they have to put on

and it takes a long time to get them off.

It's the same in Sense And Sensibility!

LAUGHTER

Now, recently you celebrated your birthday on the set...

You've already finished the stand-alone Aquaman movie.

-Yeah. Two weeks ago I just finished Aquaman, yeah, in Australia.

-Wow.

So that's in Australia. Here you all are celebrating your birthday.

So this is your family - I mean, not all of them.

-I think the ones at the front are your family.

-Yes.

My babies, yeah. That's Wolf and Lola.

Because you live on a... Is it a ranch?

Yes, yeah, we've got around five, six acres

up in California, and a bunch of animals.

-Nice.

-It's kind of nice, cos there's no service,

so we don't have a lot of TV so they don't get to see much,

but they got to see the movie lately, which was phenomenal.

Cos I've never been able to show my kids -

they've never seen The Wizard Of Oz -

so I was worried, coming into it, to show them Justice League...

..but it was amazing, cos my kids can't watch anything that I'm in.

My grandmother can't watch anything. I mean, my family...

I'm like, "Don't watch that one,

"you're going to want to skip that one.

"Eventually I'll be able to do something you can watch."

It was really amazing to be able to watch...

At least they could, if they wanted to.

I mean, they might want to, but mine don't even want to watch me!

I begged them to. They're sitting there watching Dinotrux.

I say, "No! What about one of Daddy's films?"

I'll shove in, you know, I've done some lovely films,

like the Pirates cartoon, you can't get funnier or nicer than that,

and I shove it in the DVD and there's tears and tantrums.

We're back to Dinotrux in five seconds.

I have to say, Dinotrux is pretty good!

The thing is, in terms of being a parent now,

Sarah Millican, you decided quite early this was not for you.

Yeah, I don't like kids, no offence!

I'm sure yours are lovely but I'm glad they're not here!

No interest at all.

I, yeah, I was on holiday,

so we went on two holidays abroad when I was a kid,

Malta when I was four and Spain when I was eight.

And when we were in Spain, when I was eight,

my present I got on holiday was a baby doll.

But it was like this. It was giant.

And I remember having an inkling then, like, what childbirth was,

I knew that it came out of a part of the woman and I thought, "No!"

I knew there was no hole on me that would ever manage that!

And the fun thing about the baby doll was that it had a dummy,

you took the dummy out, the baby cried, put the dummy back in,

baby stopped crying. Brilliant.

This one particular night, you know people,

women often think that the day they became a woman

was the day that their period started?

Not for me. On this one night, we lost the dummy

so the baby was constantly crying.

And I was bitten on the nipple by a mosquito.

And it grew an actual boob.

So I think that's the night I became a woman because I was eight

but I wore a bra and my baby would not shut the fuck up!

APPLAUSE

Hey, everyone, Sarah Millican has written a book! Yes, she has.

APPLAUSE

A really successful book, How To Be Champion.

You were number one in the Sunday Times bestseller list.

-I know!

-Which must be such a thrill.

-It was ridiculous.

I don't know why it was, but I'm really pleased it was.

Yeah, well, of course. It's a memoir,

-it is the story of your life...

-Yes.

-..but it also contains advice.

And some of it's funny advice but some of it's real advice.

Yeah, well, I decided...

There's something really arrogant about writing an autobiography

cos you just think, it's really odd to say to people,

"Well, I'm assuming you all want to know all about me!"

And people are, "Not really." So I decided, I wondered,

cos I'm quite practical and I like to sort of fix things,

if I have problems, I like to work out how to make them better.

And I thought, "I wonder if some of the things that have helped me

"might help other people." And it's interesting cos some of the people

who have sent me messages who have read it and enjoyed it,

which is great, have, like, skipped the divorce chapter,

-because they're...

-STRAINED:

-..happily married.

And I think that's adorable

but I hope they put that book on the shelf

and they take it back out in a few years' time...

..when they might need it, cos you never know! You never know.

-It's a keeper!

-Yeah, it really is.

-It's like a reference book, really.

-Yeah!

And I don't want to misrepresent the book in any way,

-because it is a really funny book...

-Thanks.

..and there's lots of really great stories, but you also,

I came away with the impression of someone who struggles a bit

with some of the aspects of your success and of your fame.

Yeah, I'm quite shy, generally, so people don't really understand

how you can stand in front of an audience and be shy.

But it's because there's a gap!

I'm on the stage and they're over there and all listening,

looking at me, which is what I like.

But I don't go to parties, that sort of thing.

But what I find is, the kind of oddness...

I suppose social media is a major difference,

maybe it was different before social media

in that you can be kind of attacked on social media or even just...

I had this man once just send me a message saying,

"I've just watched you put your bin out."

Which is not a euphemism.

It was just my bin.

But that's the sort of thing that was quite scary to see, that.

-No, that is scary.

-Yeah - it's not threatening,

but it was still a bit like,

"Did he see that I didn't put all the recycling in the recycling bin?"

And it's that sort of...

..when you're quite a private person,

I find that quite jarring, a little bit.

-Not being able to turn it off?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Absolutely,

and not being able to, you know, put your bin out just in your pants

-if you want to.

-Yeah.

-Fully dressed.

-Cos I have to say, you have been, I think, really brave

in the way that you've taken on the press.

Because I feel, with the press, you'll win battles,

but in the end they may win the war.

I mean, are you worried they're just going to crush you,

just find something to finally finish you off with?

LAUGHTER

Yes.

Well, I mean, look, I think they've got every skeleton in my cupboard.

-There's a lot.

-Yes.

-But I think they've had them all now.

-Woohoo!

-No, no. I mean, you can't take that line, really,

cos our lives are lovely, they're basically lovely.

It's when people around you - your family, your innocent family,

your 89-year-old dad gets woken up in the middle of the night

and asked questions, that's when you get angry.

But we're all right, we're all right, we're rich,

we get lots of attention!

But I think it's also the people who have no recourse, you know,

-it's cos...

-Yeah.

-We have voices, and loud voices.

-That's it.

-It is people who live in a street in town

and they end up in the papers and they've got no way...

And these are the people.

My campaign, Hacked Off, is entirely those people.

It's people who've lost children in road accidents

and then had their privacy invaded by national newspapers.

It's all them, and it's not a celebrity, poor me, organisation.

APPLAUSE OK, brilliant, yeah.

Very good.

Now, Jason, cos you have this incredibly strong look, you know?

-It's the forehead!

-Yeah - but, no, it's everything.

-The caveman forehead.

-Yeah, it's a look,

but you do take your acting very seriously.

You know, you approach each role -

-and was it Conan that you were quite method for Conan?

-Er...

Yeah, I had some stupid idea to, er...

You know, you idolise actors,

when I was growing up, Marlon Brando was obviously a huge one,

and I heard in Streetcar, like, he got punched in the nose

-so he could change his face. And...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yeah, I asked a buddy to punch me in the face

and I'd never had my nose broken, and it broke straight on.

But in Conan, there's a gigantic bump hook in there

and my wife was so pissed!

I hope I don't have a friend who would do that for me.

I would for you, if you want!

Apparently I do!

Because, because... Now, you've been in so many films,

very experienced in front of the camera,

but in real life, didn't you pretend to be your own agent?

I did. I've never been very good with being agented,

or with agents, and I fire them left, right and centre.

I fired one poor man who was a brilliant agent

just because I saw his anus.

-He...

-Not just 10% of it?

-APPLAUSE

-It was ridiculous.

We were at some film festival and his shower broke down,

he wanted to borrow my bath in my suite and I said all right.

I forgot he was in there and I walked in

and he was on all fours washing. Who washes like that?

I've never heard of such a thing! And, anyway, the view was awful.

Why...? I don't understand! He was on all fours?

Yes, and his bottom towards me, this awful, soapy...

..flag of Japan.

I had to say, "You're a great agent, I'm really very fond of you,

"but I've seen your anus and you've got to go."

I did then invent an agent for three or four years

called James Howe Ealy, which saved a lot of money, you know,

people would send me a script and James Howe Ealy would say,

"Thank you so much for submitting the script,

"I'll get it to Hugh as soon as possible and get back to you."

But I got caught out in the end

because I used to, you know, do these e-mails a bit drunk

and, you know, I'd say, "Hugh's read the script

"and he really enjoys it, he'd like to meet up.

"Best wishes, Hugh."

And then they rang one time and I was sort of,

"I haven't got a voice for James Howe Ealy!"

And for some reason I panicked

and I went with genteel Edinburgh old lady.

It was pretty much Janet from Doctor Finlay.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Well, hello now.

"Shall we have a wee cup of tea then?"

Ludicrous and unconvincing.

-Yeah.

-On the anus front...

I was recently, I woke up the other day and I was lying on the bed

and I've got a little dog, a little rescue dog, adorable thing,

and he was lying on one of my boobs,

which is tricky when they're in a bra

but very easy when they're not, sort of a comfy cushion.

And he pushed himself off the boob, pushed himself and it really hurt

so I made a noise, a noise of pain.

At the same time, unbeknownst to me,

my husband was bent over picking up a sock off the floor,

fully naked with his anus in much the same situation,

spread in my face.

And the noise that I made,

he thought I was making that noise because of what I'd just seen!

And the noise I made was this. "Aaah!"

And I said to him, "I've been with you for 13 years,

"I love you very dearly,

"I would never make a noise upon seeing any part of you.

"I might do a face.

"I might do a little retch. Ugh. A little...

"But it would be entirely inaudible."

I love him too much!

And, Sarah Millican, very quickly, you are also back on tour.

-Yes.

-Control Enthusiast. It's 130 dates.

-Yeah, it's sort of a year.

-Wow.

-I've little gaps so I don't go mad,

and I get to remind myself what my husband looks like.

His face, hopefully not the rest of him!

Not just his anus!

Who knew I had an anus story?!

-It's good to know.

-Jason...

I have too many to disclose.

Right, it's time for our musical guest tonight.

This artist rose to fame as the first winner of American Idol.

Since then, she has sold over 25 million albums

and won three Grammys.

Now she's back with a brand-new album.

Here performing Love So Soft, it is Kelly Clarkson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Every kiss is a door

# Can I knock on yours?

# Can we knock a little more?

# If a touch is a key

# Keep on twistin', keep unlockin' keep on turnin' me

-# Let me in

-Ah-ah

# I wanna be closer to you. let you under my skin

-# If I let you in

-Ah-ah

# You gotta be careful with it

-# Let me tell you again

-Hey!

# Love so soft

# You ain't had nothin' softer

# Break it, then you buy it and it's sure gonna cost ya

# Love so soft

# That you can't rub off

# You gon' love it, if you try it

# Gotcha hooked now you're caught up

-# Love so soft, so soft

-So soft

# Love so soft, so soft

# If a thought was a truth

# We'd be doin' all the kinds of things I know you wanna do

-# But I need, need to know

-Need to know

# Will you protect me, respect me if I let you close?

-# Hey, let me in

-Let me in, let me in

# I wanna be closer to you let you under my skin

-# If I let you in

-If I let you in, let you in

# You gotta be careful with it

-# Let me tell you again

-Hey!

# Love so soft

# You ain't had nothin' softer

# Break it, then you buy it and it's sure gonna cost ya

# Love so soft

# That you can't rub off

# You gon' love it, if you try it gotcha hooked,

# Now you're caught up

# Love so soft, so soft

-# Love so soft

-So soft

# If you want this love gotta hold it tight

# Never let it go, baby let it give you life

# If you want this love gotta hold it tight

# Never let it go, baby let it give you life

-# Love

-Love so soft

-# You ain't had nothin' softer

-You ain't had

# Break it, then you buy it and it's sure gonna cost ya

-# Love

-Love so soft

-# That you can't rub off

-Hey!

# You gon' love it, if you try it gotcha hooked

# Now you're caught up

-# Love so soft, so soft

-If you want it

-# Love so soft, so soft

-If you want it

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Hey-oh

-# Love so soft, so soft

-So soft

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Oh, yeah

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Oh

-# Love so soft, so soft

-Come on, love, come on, come on

-# Love, love, love

-Love so soft, so soft

-# Love, love, love

-Love so soft, so soft

-# If you want it, baby

-Love so soft, so soft. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kelly Clarkson, and her singers and her band, oh!

So good to have you back.

Lovely to see you, Kelly.

-Thank you.

-Kelly Clarkson, everybody.

In you come, meet the gang.

Jason. Sarah. Hugh.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Nice to see you.

-HUGH:

-Nice to meet you.

-KELLY:

-Yeah, nice to meet you as well.

Very good. So, now, that song...

I love this show, you get to drink!

-Woohoo!

-Yes! The greatest.

Now, the new album, it's called Meaning Of Life.

-It's out now. There it is.

-Yes, just come out.

-That song is obviously on it.

-Yeah.

Now, here's the... This is... I was amazed by this fact.

-So, you win American Idol 15 years ago.

-Mm-hm.

This is your first album beyond that contract?

Yes.

-It's, like, done, yeah.

-That's nuts.

-Insane! I know, I know.

You know what? It was successful, though, you know,

we had a very successful arranged marriage, so, yeah.

-But, I mean, I was on a competition, you sign a contract.

-Yeah.

It changes your life, there are pros and cons, so, yeah.

But you've sold 25 million albums, you've won all of those Grammys.

Doesn't that give you a bit of, "I can win a fight now"?

Well, it gives me - that's not even my best work,

that's why I feel so excited about this album,

you know what I'm saying? This album is, like, so much better than those.

I love those, I love singing them, I don't have a problem,

I love all my hits that I've had, I'm not that person...

Were you keeping your good ideas back for after the 15 years?

-No...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Really restrained.

-Like, a drawer of amazing songs.

-Yeah.

-Here they are!

People will always be, like, "Are you nervous about this record?"

Every time I'd have a new record, I'm like,

"No, cos I haven't really..."

I hadn't felt like I'd done my best yet.

I haven't been able to really nail a record how I wanted to.

Atlantic Records was amazing to work with.

This is a proud musical footprint for me.

And great that, after 15 years, you get to feel like that.

-You get to feel like, "Right, let's get started."

-First time artist.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, no, it is - and it's cool, too,

because I think 15 years into any career, whatever your vocation is,

I think it's exciting to have something fresh going on.

You're a very different person than you were 15 years ago.

Oh, I don't know about y'all, but I hate my 20-year-old self.

All my 20s, I'm like, "She's annoying!"

She's annoying, she was very egocentric, dramatic, and...

I'm still a bit dramatic!

No, I just, I feel like, my life, especially having children,

you know, we have four kids, that's a lot of selflessness.

I don't know, I think perspective kind of changes your world.

I think it was the last time you were here,

Kelly brought her daughter.

I did, River, she was young, yeah.

And the happiest baby I have ever encountered. I mean...

-Yeah, and now...

-Miserable!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

And she's super happy and then all of a sudden, just super not.

-Yeah, it's really fun.

-But isn't that...?

LAUGHTER

-But she likes...

-You didn't mean the word fun, there. No, no.

It's like, take the wine in a bathroom and cry it out with God.

Cos then you're like, "I don't want to kill her!"

-"I still love you!"

-She's super great, though.

Sometimes she's like this little unicorn, sometimes -

she's very magical, very infectious, in a good way.

And nearly extinct.

-No, it's fictional, it was never a thing.

-They never lived.

-Extinct!

-Am I wrong, am I wrong?

-No...

Is it a real bear?

But isn't that the song, Love So Soft, that she likes?

Well, she does, but she can't say her Fs yet.

So it sounds like her mother's an alcoholic

because she says "love so sauced", you know?

We have a very drunken love at our household.

She just can't say her Fs, so it's fun to hear her sing all the songs.

Well, you did very well tonight. Thank you so much for singing that.

APPLAUSE Congratulations on the album.

Kelly Clarkson, everybody.

Right, that's nearly it, but before we go,

there's time for a visit to the big red chair.

-Who is there? Hello! Hi!

-Hi.

-Who are you?

-I'm John.

John, lovely - and where are you from, John?

I live in London, originally from Northern Ireland.

HE MIMICS HIM: Northern Ireland!

Whereabouts in Northern Ireland?

In Bangor, just outside Belfast in Northern Ireland.

Oh, Bangor's lovely, Bangor. It's a seaside resort. Oh, yes.

-But you live here now?

-I do.

-And what do you do here?

I try to make it easier for people with disabilities to bank.

-To what?!

-To BANK!

-To bank?

-B.

APPLAUSE

My career guidance officer...

..never suggested that to me.

I can't wait to hear his story now.

Off you go, sir.

So, I got up one morning, as usual,

getting myself ready to go to work,

and from getting out of bed,

in the 20 feet or so to get to the bathroom,

I was in excruciating pain around the rectal region.

-What?

-Yeah.

-His bumhole.

-Arsehole.

-I get it!

I'm concerned. I know what that is.

-And then...

-Dr Clarkson's very concerned!

I think you should go to the ER at that point.

Well, I did go to the doctors, got seen straightaway.

He says, "Right, can you remove your trousers and underwear

"and lie down and think happy thoughts?"

So he rummaged about and he then...

Oh, my gosh!

..he asked me a question,

"Do you like asparagus?"

And pulled out an asparagus tip from my anus.

Bizarrely, I had not eaten asparagus for months.

-What?!

-So I have no idea where it was from.

What?!

APPLAUSE

I'm slightly offended!

Answers on a postcard.

What the hell was that about?

-HUGH:

-Who comes on national television

and talks about anuses like that?

And also it would be harder to, yeah, get in and then get out

cos they're sort of weird at the top, aren't they? I don't know.

-KELLY:

-Oh, my gosh!

-But also, did someone break into his house

and insert some asparagus in him?

Because if it was cooked, surely that wouldn't hurt you, would it?

-I don't understand.

-No!

We've got questions, you shouldn't have tipped him.

-HUGH:

-Get him out here!

One more, one more, one more. OK, here we go.

-Hello.

-Hello!

-Hi! What's your name?

-I'm Jane.

-Jane. Lovely, Jane. And where are you from?

-I'm from Marlow in Buckinghamshire.

-Lovely, full address!

And what do you do?

I'm retired now but I was a practice manager at a health centre.

Oh, OK.

Medically based. Maybe she can explain the asparagus!

No-one can explain the asparagus.

Twitter's going to go crazy.

All right, off you go with your story, Jane.

OK. So, I'm a woman of a certain age

and I got to a menopause state where, you know,

things were going wrong with my body, etc,

so I happened to mention it to a friend, that I was not...

..you know, I was not coping particularly well,

and she said, "Oh, I've got a great gadget for you.

"It's a magnet." She gave me the magnet and she said,

"You just put it in your pants."

It was about the size of a £2 coin.

Wait, did it vibrate? Like, where are we going with this?

-I know where we're going with this.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This sounds like a job for Aquaman!

He can breathe underwater!

-I'm sorry.

-Sorry, we've interrupted,

so you've got a magnet in your pants.

A magnet in my pants, and I toddle off to work

and I get into the office and I saw these metal filing cabinets

in the office so I thought, "I wonder..."

So I lurched myself forward at one of the metal cabinets

and attached myself to the cabinet,

to the hilarity of all my office colleagues.

And then my boss came in to try and find out what the noise was

and of course, there I was, attached to a filing cabinet with my pants.

-That's my story.

-Oh, my...

Oh, oh, oh, it's a trigger finger.

Oh, you wanted to save the nice lady?

-Yeah, I liked her story very much.

-Did you?

I find you harsh!

APPLAUSE

Well done, everyone, on the big red chair.

If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go,

you can contact us via our website at this address.

That is it for tonight.

Please say thank you to my guests, Jason Momoa...

..Kelly Clarkson...

..Sarah Millican...

..and Mr Hugh Grant! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next week is Children In Need,

so we'll see you the Friday after that with pop star Kesha,

actor John Lithgow, Strictly judge Shirley Ballas,

the hilarious Will Ferrell,

the always entertaining Mark Wahlberg

and, for the first time, Oscar-winner Mel Gibson.

I'll see you then! Goodnight, everybody. Bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE