Compilation The Graham Norton Show


Compilation

The award-winning host presents a compilation of the best guests and moments from Series 8 and 9 of the unique talk show.


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Transcript


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-The end of a series. Your favourite memory?

-Lady Gaga's performance.

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-Oh, yes? You?

-I liked the interview with Tom Hanks.

-Oh, right. You?

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I liked where you fell down the stairs.

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Well, I didn't fall down the stair...!

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Let's start the show!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Oh! Ohh!

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Oh, too kind! Too kind. Thank you very much!

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Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the end of another series.

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Oh, I've had so many brilliant guests. So many.

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I suppose, if I had to pick my favourite,

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it'd be a bit of Lady Gaga, a bit of Tom Hanks,

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a bit of Snoop Dogg and a bit of Cameron Diaz.

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But then it would've looked like this.

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Er...

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No.

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Actually, let's have a look at them individually.

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Please welcome the phenomenal Lady Gaga!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, lovely lady.

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So nice to see you!

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Gwyneth, Gaga.

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Geoffrey, Gaga.

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Jason, Gaga.

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Hello, Lady Gaga.

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Oh, sit yourself down, you lovely...

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-I'm so excited you're here.

-I had no idea there would be...cuisine.

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Would you like some?

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-No, I'm OK.

-Yes, you have to sing in a bit. You don't want to...

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-Are artichokes not good for singing?

-No, they'll coat the cords. Yeah.

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But...famously, you have this incredible rapport with your fans.

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A real... You know, a real connection with them.

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-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-I love you, Gaga!

-I love you, too.

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CHEERS

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OK. Some cheering and clapping and that's that.

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But I suppose what interests me is the kind of...

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-the one-on-one love, cos you are dating, aren't you?

-"Dating"...?

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-A boyfriend?

-No boyfriend.

-You don't have a boyfriend?

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-Do you go on dates?

-No, I'm miserably pathetic in my wedding dress.

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But do you go on dates? Could somebody ask Lady Gaga out?

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Um, well, you could. I haven't been on any dates recently.

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I'm working so hard and I just finished my record and...

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I don't know, I get really bored very quickly with men.

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-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Come on a date with me!

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Yes, OK! See, I'm so easy!

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If someone asked you on a date, what would you wear?

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I would imagine they might freak out if I showed up in this wedding dress!

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Running for the door.

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"She seems a little keen."

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"I do!"

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APPLAUSE

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But can you still bust a move?

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No.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-I'm too old!

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Do something, do something!

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Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

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Wait.

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I don't have enough room.

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We'll make room. We'll make room.

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Well, what do you...? Like, over here?

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-Yeah, do it back... Where would you...?

-I... I don't have any music. So...

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We'll put music on. Wait, is down there better?

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-Where's better?

-Right here's good.

-Can we get cameras for back there?

-I don't hear music!

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-Can we get some music?

-MUSIC STARTS

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-Oh.

-Oh, here we go!

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Oh! I'll take it.

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Here we go.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Whoa!

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Whoa! Whoa!

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-Woo!

-Oh, wow!

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What was amazing. Thank you so much!

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Wow!

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-Oh!

-A windmill with a nutcracker?

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Know what I saying?

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Get to know me, Snoop.

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-Wow.

-Get to know me, Snoop!

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-How cool was that?

-Wait a minute. Just a minute.

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The ultimate move he did was called the windmill with the nutcracker.

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-Wow.

-You can't do that at 17 years old!

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He just popped a windmill and came out of that with the nutcracker.

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I'm impressed. I am impressed.

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We nuts on this show!

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Nuts!

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Animation films. I would think, "That sounds easy."

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But then I read that it's really hard work. For you, anyway.

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Well, it's fun work because the people are great

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but it is very, very...

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hard.

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Particularly Woody, cos Woody is always, like, yelling

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and he's always like, "Rarr!" He's always doing that.

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And the way it works, they start working on it

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and it takes about four years for them to start animating it and get to the final product.

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So about every six months, you go into a recording studio,

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But, you... And you face the booth. The screen is behind you.

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It's cos it's on the lot.

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And you face the booth, and in the booth are these heads

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that look like judges at the Olympics, you know?

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And they're in a soundproof... You can't hear them. But they can hear every word you say.

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So you've got a scene where you had to say something like...

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You're standing, and you have to 18 variations of something like this,

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YELLS: "Buzz, if we don't get back there, I'm going to go absolutely berserk!"

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That's what you have to do.

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And you do it every kind of way you possibly can

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until your diaphragm is busted and your throat is raw,

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you've spit all over the copy.

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It's your fourth hour of doing it, and you go, "I'm going to go berserk!"

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Then you look at the people in the booth and they're all going...

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And they almost press the talk-back that they can talk... And they go...

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"Hey, Tom, that was great."

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Was it this week? Was it this week you had the wardrobe malfunction?

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Yeah.

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Cos... Now... Please tell me no paparazzi got...?

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No, and luckily... There was a bus stop full of people

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and luckily, they didn't recognise me.

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I'd woken up and had a really embarrassing encounter with someone when I woke up.

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And then, um... This is really random, sorry!

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I was so mortified that I left the house to go buy some milk and stuff like that, and I had...

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It was a hot day.

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And I had this weird dress/poncho thing on that had no arms

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and was only on me round me neck.

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And I went out and I didn't have time to, like, kind of...

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It was to about here and I didn't have time to put anything on

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and then a gust of wind come...

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And I was literally, like, hula-hooping my dress around my neck.

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And I was butt naked underneath!

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Naked?!

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-Butt naked.

-Naked!

-Butt naked.

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They all laughed but I had no-one to laugh with. They was laughing at me!

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Listen, right... No, I'm getting a bit sweaty just talking about it!

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-Please can I have that for my next series?

-Yeah, you can take it.

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-Have it.

-Thank you.

-It was... It was awful.

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Awful. Old men, old women, young kids. Like... It was awful.

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-It's brilliant. "I've seen Adele naked."

-They didn't know it was me. But they will now.

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Is it true that you're a huge fan of '90s hip-hop?

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Yes.

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-Very true.

-Seriously?!

-Seriously, yeah.

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OK. So let me test you.

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Oh, God!

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-So if I said to you, "Straight out of Compton."

-Yes?

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-What would you say?

-I say, "A classic NWA album."

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AUDIENCE WHOOPS

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-You want to know more?

-Do you know the lyrics? Do you know the lyrics?

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-Yeah.

-Can she do them on this?

-We'll bleep it, it's fine.

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-OK. There's one word I can't say.

-Don't say that one. Yeah.

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-Want us to do the background music?

-Yes, please.

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-Will we do the background music?

-I don't know it.

-You just make siren noises.

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-Do you know the record? There are sirens on it.

-Here we go.

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THEY MAKE SIREN NOISES

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RAPS: Yo, here's a little something 'bout a ... like me

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Never shoulda been let out the penitentiary

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Ice Cube, I'd like to say that I'm a crazy motherf... from around the way

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Since I was a youth I smoked weed out

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Now I'm the motherf... that you read about.

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Very good!

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Well done, Gwyneth Paltrow.

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We asked the audience if they had any nicknames and we did get a few in.

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Er... Ari... Ari Olafsson? Ari? Ari?

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That's me, I guess.

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Oh, you. You? You.

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And, now, your nickname was...?

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First off, the name, Ari.

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It's Icelandic, so I'm familiar with skata.

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-I thought I smelled something.

-Do you like it?

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Yeah, I do. We all like it.

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-That explains a lot!

-Hey, break it up, you two!

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But your nickname... Your nickname was...?

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Right, yeah. I feel quite ridiculous saying this now that I've actually seen the man,

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but a few years back, some people in Iceland

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actually started calling me Ashton,

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because they thought I looked like him.

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The spitting image, bud.

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To be fair, Graham, he has make-up on. I don't.

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Um...

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Rebuttal! Rebuttal!

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I have a rebuttal. I have a rebuttal.

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I would like you to know and I will let the world know -

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you can come inspect, if you would like -

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I refuse to wear make-up on talk shows.

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I never do. Never, not once, have I ever...

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And you can come look if you want, good sir. That's all me, baby!

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Beautiful.

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I blame the long dark winter nights.

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I've got 4lbs of make-up on.

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What was your full name?

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Er, first off I quite like wearing make-up!

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LAUGHTER

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The most weirdly aggressive Icelandic man...

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He's the angriest man alive!

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Move the pole.

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-My favourite story is that story of you in Heathrow.

-Oh, yes.

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That was great. That was the best thing of the whole...

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-It makes me cry, that story.

-It does me.

-I'm crying now.

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After I had won the Oscar, I came back on my own

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but I carried my Oscar hand-luggage.

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I guess I wanted it with me, I was frightened...

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You didn't want it to get lost. And end up in Dubai!

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So anyway, in the luggage thing waiting for my luggage to arrive

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and someone spots me and starts applauding.

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And then the whole luggage hall...

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It's like a scene in a movie.

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And the whole luggage hall, everybody realised I was there all started applauding.

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-Did you bawl?

-I bawled.

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And I had my Oscar in my hand luggage so I took it out.

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Isn't that fabulous?

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We'll turn down the sound so by watching them dance

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we'll try to guess what Cher track they're dancing to.

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-Good game.

-A bit of Christmas fun!

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So, turn down the sound and spin the first disc.

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-I think she believes in life after love.

-Do you think?

-I do.

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Shall we see?

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It is!

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# Do you believe in life after love? #

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Do you want a go?

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# Really don't think you're strong enough... #

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You...

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# Do you believe in life after love? #

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APPLAUSE

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Bye-bye. Bye-bye, you useless bunch!

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Are European fans more reserved than Americans or...?

0:12:500:12:55

We had a frisky time in Germany.

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The Germans were quite assertive, let me put it that way.

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I'm not saying they conform to any national stereotype at all.

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Because they really were charming and friendly

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but if things don't go their way...

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I had to get on a train to leave Germany and there were

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a bunch of people with autographs and I said I'll miss my train if I...

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So, they started tearing up the photographs and throwing them in my face.

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And saying, go back to England!

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That's what I'm trying to do.

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APPLAUSE

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And then they would...

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What I didn't realise was the German word...

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It's not a word, the German for boo is not boo.

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When Germans boo, they go ooh.

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So, I had people, after they had done that

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and had said their German things, I was running for this train

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and all I could he was people going, oooh!

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Is it true or not you kept a light sabre?

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I officially don't own a light sabre.

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(MOUTHS) I've got one.

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The props guy gave me one. No, he didn't!

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We bought some light sabres. They're pretty good.

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That one is on already. Hang on.

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-You have to know what you're doing with these.

-You do, though. Which one would you like?

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-Which one looks like yours?

-The one in the middle, I think.

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-That's Alec Guinness's one.

-Then it's yours.

-Oh, my God!

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-These are really nice.

-Amazing.

-How do you turn it on?

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Will they break? Oh, no, they won't!

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You make the sound effects yourself... Do you want one?

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-Not at all(!)

-There you go.

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Look at that!

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That's fantastic. Can you make the noises?

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To begin with it was quite difficult not to make the sound.. Zzsssh.

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And also when it goes away.

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It makes that nice... zzsssh noise when it goes down.

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Oh, yes.

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Have you heard that, in Rocky,

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apparently like, in the first film particularly,

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it's just loads of sound effects

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of Sylvester Stallone, going, "pfft!"

0:15:150:15:17

-Let's have the lights down.

-You have to start them up.

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-Oh, OK, so, off, off...

-How do you do that?

0:15:250:15:29

Uh...there. There. It's off now. There you go. You've got it.

0:15:320:15:35

OK, so when you put it on, it has to make this sort of noise, "Gsssssht!"

0:15:350:15:40

Gssssht!

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ALL MIMIC LIGHTSABER

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Oh! Aah, now...!

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APPLAUSE

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-You're so good at it!

-I spent months doing it!

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Mine keeps going off though when I twirl it.

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I could... Ow!

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They'll break! They'll break! They're 150 quid each!

0:15:560:15:59

-How much do they cost?

-150 quid each!

0:16:000:16:02

I don't know if you've seen,

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but despite the temperatures out the back, the Beliebers are there.

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-It's amazing. They're awesome.

-Look at them, there they are. Yes!

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SCREAMING

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Look, she's got a sign, saying she's "Britain's Biggest Belieber".

0:16:190:16:23

-All right.

-Beliebers, Beliebers? We have a message from your leader!

0:16:230:16:28

LAUGHTER

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-I love you!

-SCREAMING

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We'll talk to you later. Bye bye, Beliebers!

0:16:370:16:40

-It's terrifying!

-Yes.

0:16:430:16:46

-Cos you're 16 now.

-Yes.

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And in interviews, you're quite careful when people ask, you know,

0:16:480:16:51

-what sort of woman would you like to go out with?

-Yeah.

0:16:510:16:55

-You're quite vague in your answers.

-Yeah.

0:16:550:16:58

I don't want to... Like... I'm just being honest.

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I like all girls.

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Like... I like every type of girl!

0:17:040:17:08

So you don't have a type, yet?

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I mean, I think that I like someone who is funny,

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as long as they are funny, they have a nice personality, nice eyes...

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Hello, Justin(!)

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How you doing(?)

0:17:220:17:25

-I'm into girls who are like...

-It's wrong, isn't it?

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..kinda closer to my age!

0:17:280:17:30

LAUGHTER

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-Oh! Oh!

-SARCASTIC BOOING

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-I didn't mean anything bad! But like, closer to my...

-I'm 22(!)

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Yeah, and I'm 58(!)

0:17:400:17:43

It won't last!

0:17:430:17:45

-Can I just say... At 22, still too old!

-Yes!

0:17:460:17:50

You two, thank you so much for doing this.

0:17:500:17:52

-Cos I know you've just come from the premiere...

-CHEERING

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-How did it go?

-It was great. There were a lot of people there.

0:17:580:18:01

It was insane. Especially at Westfield Shopping Centre.

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-It's like, why is this happening here?

-It doesn't ooze glamour.

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We went in the entrance where all the dumpsters are, and stuff!

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No, it's great. We always see the glamorous sides of buildings(!)

0:18:120:18:16

I believe, kind of Royal wedding stylee,

0:18:160:18:19

people have been sleeping there overnight.

0:18:190:18:21

Were people sleeping out for the royal wedding?

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Yes. And your premiere, as well, yeah.

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Water for elephants stylee, they slept out for the Royal wedding!

0:18:260:18:31

-Did you not know that?

-No, no, I didn't know

0:18:310:18:34

until we actually got there, and people said, "I've been here for 32 hours."

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-Ooh! Cos some people went to the premiere and now are here.

-CHEERING

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-Oh, hi!

-How do they do that?!

0:18:420:18:44

I remember you were there! You look super familiar!

0:18:440:18:49

Reese, that's why you won the Oscar. That was very good!

0:18:490:18:52

That reminds me, we were at the premiere and this girl goes,

0:18:570:18:59

"I only have time for one question, can I smell you?"

0:18:590:19:03

Of all the things that you could ask somebody!

0:19:030:19:06

Did you say no, then block her nostrils up?

0:19:060:19:09

So is this...? This is a Steinway? What's that mean?!

0:19:130:19:18

It's gorgeous(!)

0:19:190:19:21

Um... PLAYS TUNE

0:19:220:19:26

# What do tigers dream of

0:19:310:19:34

# When they take a little tiger snooze?

0:19:340:19:37

# Do they dream of mauling zebras

0:19:370:19:40

# Or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit?

0:19:400:19:43

# Don't you worry your pretty stripy head

0:19:440:19:47

# We're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cosy tiger bed

0:19:470:19:50

# We're gonna find our best friend, Doug

0:19:500:19:53

# And then we're gonna give him a best friend hug

0:19:530:19:57

# Oh, Doug, whoa

0:19:570:20:00

# Dougie Doug's gone

0:20:000:20:01

# Doggy dog dog... #

0:20:010:20:03

APPLAUSE

0:20:030:20:06

Wait for it.

0:20:060:20:08

# But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers

0:20:090:20:14

# Well, then we're shit out of luck. #

0:20:140:20:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:160:20:19

Thank you.

0:20:190:20:21

And you do date night as well, don't you?

0:20:210:20:23

Yes, er, we try doing date nights to sort of, you know,

0:20:230:20:26

get things, you know, moving. And...

0:20:260:20:28

And we tried one, we went out for a lovely curry, had a lovely curry,

0:20:280:20:32

got in, put a DVD on, champion.

0:20:320:20:35

Halfway through the film, got a bit sort of, you know,

0:20:350:20:38

a little bit smoochy, things started to get a little bit HOT.

0:20:380:20:42

We'd forgotten that we'd had a curry a couple of hours before that.

0:20:420:20:45

Nevertheless, he went downstairs, er...

0:20:450:20:48

I mean, you know, you know downstairs, yeah?

0:20:480:20:51

I don't mean for like a glass of water!

0:20:510:20:53

No, I like it, I like it.

0:20:530:20:55

Was this pre shower, during shower, after shower?

0:20:550:20:57

After shower, I'm not a pervert.

0:20:570:20:59

APPLAUSE

0:20:590:21:02

We're keeping it fresh.

0:21:020:21:04

And he went downstairs, and er...

0:21:040:21:08

And it got, I mean it was fun, it was all going well.

0:21:080:21:12

And I realised that I could... There's no nice way of saying this.

0:21:120:21:15

I apologise in advance. I could feel a fart brewing.

0:21:150:21:20

Look at his face!

0:21:200:21:21

Er, now who's learning?

0:21:270:21:30

So I could feel it and I didn't really know what to do.

0:21:300:21:33

So what I did, similar to in the film Rain Man,

0:21:330:21:36

I just started going, "Uh-oh, uh-oh!"

0:21:360:21:39

And he just carried on.

0:21:390:21:42

Cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought I was doing an impression of Beyonce.

0:21:420:21:47

I thought I'd try a little experiment.

0:21:530:21:55

So who's in relationships in the audience? How many people are in a relationship?

0:21:550:22:00

Oh, quite a few.

0:22:000:22:02

Yes, the man with the man bag.

0:22:020:22:04

Very good, nice, nice. Who else is in a relationship?

0:22:040:22:09

Who else?

0:22:090:22:11

Oh, the two of you.

0:22:110:22:12

-Now what's your name?

-John.

-John. What's you name?

-Gerard.

-Gerard.

0:22:120:22:16

Do either of you have an iPhone?

0:22:160:22:19

-Yes.

-Can I see your iPhone for a second?

0:22:190:22:22

OK.

0:22:250:22:26

-What was your name again?

-John.

-OK.

0:22:260:22:28

Is it locked?

0:22:280:22:30

It's not, OK. Ooh, you've been to Cape Town, how nice.

0:22:300:22:33

So if I go into messages...

0:22:340:22:38

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:22:380:22:40

Where's Gerard? OK. Oh!

0:22:400:22:43

This is so lovely.

0:22:430:22:46

Do you mind? This is really, this is gorgeous dialogue.

0:22:460:22:49

I've got a little camera here.

0:22:490:22:51

Look at this. Oh, look.

0:22:550:22:57

"We are leaving now, Pickle."

0:22:570:22:59

"Hurry hurry."

0:22:590:23:01

Ahh.

0:23:080:23:10

That's so cute. Oh, look.

0:23:110:23:13

"Hope you're OK. Looks like we'll be here till ten."

0:23:130:23:15

"OK, Pickle, hurry."

0:23:150:23:17

"We're now leaving." "Hurry hurry."

0:23:170:23:18

# Have a good day, angel."

0:23:180:23:21

"You too, my darling angel."

0:23:210:23:23

Oh, oh, oh, that is brilliant!

0:23:230:23:26

"Did you manage to get Liza tickets?"

0:23:260:23:29

Tom Lehrer, in my opinion, is the cleverest and funniest man

0:23:340:23:37

of the 20th century and I just, he's kind of my hero.

0:23:370:23:40

He wrote a song called The Elements, cos he was a scientist.

0:23:400:23:43

It's the name of every element in the Periodic Table.

0:23:430:23:46

And that's my party piece. It's quite long, so do stop me if you get bored.

0:23:460:23:50

-OK.

-This kept me up last night, I was so nervous about doing this.

0:23:500:23:54

-Oh, I feel bad now.

-No.

0:23:540:23:57

OK, so.

0:23:570:23:58

# There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium

0:23:580:24:00

# And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium

0:24:000:24:02

# And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium

0:24:020:24:04

# And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium

0:24:040:24:05

# Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium

0:24:050:24:07

# And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium

0:24:070:24:08

# And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium

0:24:080:24:10

# And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium

0:24:100:24:12

# There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium

0:24:120:24:14

# And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium

0:24:140:24:16

# And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium

0:24:160:24:17

# And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. #

0:24:170:24:19

Then the next verse.

0:24:190:24:20

# There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium...

0:24:200:24:22

LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:23

# There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium

0:24:230:24:25

# And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium

0:24:250:24:26

# And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium

0:24:260:24:27

# Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium

0:24:270:24:29

# And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium

0:24:290:24:31

# Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium

0:24:310:24:32

# And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium

0:24:320:24:34

# And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium

0:24:340:24:36

# There's sulphur, californium, and fermium, berkelium

0:24:360:24:39

# And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium

0:24:390:24:41

# And argon, radon, neon... # Ah, and argon... Hold on, quiet!

0:24:410:24:44

LAUGHTER

0:24:440:24:46

# And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium

0:24:460:24:49

# And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium. #

0:24:490:24:52

Now clap. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:24:520:24:56

Is this...?

0:24:590:25:00

Is this, sort of, what it was like?

0:25:000:25:03

APPLAUSE

0:25:030:25:04

-It's exactly the way it was.

-Yeah?

-Oh, exactly.

0:25:040:25:08

I love Sigourney cos she's humouring us.

0:25:080:25:13

Sandi, you've been very good.

0:25:160:25:19

-No.

-No.

-But, no, get into character.

0:25:190:25:23

-We're having breakfast and suddenly he starts coughing.

-Right.

0:25:230:25:27

-And he can't stop coughing.

-OK.

0:25:270:25:29

-And suddenly something starts to burst out of his chest.

-OK.

0:25:290:25:33

So, in the end he's in terrible pain.

0:25:330:25:38

-We're going a bit hysterical, is that right?

-Yes.

0:25:380:25:40

You're thrashing around. Just move a leg.

0:25:400:25:43

Thrashing, thrashing.

0:25:430:25:45

OK. OK.

0:25:450:25:46

OK. Screaming, and maybe moving backwards.

0:25:460:25:50

SANDI SCREAMS

0:25:500:25:52

GRAHAM SCREAMS

0:25:520:25:54

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:010:26:04

Bravo. Bravo. It's good.

0:26:040:26:07

Not bad.

0:26:080:26:09

Here, have that.

0:26:120:26:13

Oh my God.

0:26:150:26:17

I am never seeing that film.

0:26:190:26:21

It looks a little like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

0:26:220:26:26

I bet no-one has ever seen it from this angle.

0:26:260:26:28

I don't want to be rude, but how much weight have you lost?

0:26:280:26:33

We say it in pounds, so I have lost 80 pounds.

0:26:330:26:36

-80 pounds.

-Wow.

0:26:360:26:38

Wow!

0:26:380:26:39

Thank you.

0:26:390:26:40

-That's a lot.

-That's like Victoria Beckham-and-a-half.

0:26:440:26:48

-80 pounds.

-80 pounds.

0:26:480:26:50

-That's like six stone or something.

-Six stone.

-A whole singing person.

0:26:500:26:54

People going, "Yes, it is. Yes. It's a combined weight. Yes, yes."

0:26:540:26:58

-Are you hungry?

-No.

0:27:000:27:02

I get that too. Everywhere I go.

0:27:020:27:05

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"

0:27:050:27:07

No, but really, I can eat anything I like.

0:27:070:27:10

It's about balance.

0:27:100:27:12

We're having, like, a Weight Watchers meeting now. So, anyway, guys...

0:27:120:27:15

-You track everything you eat.

-I've tried...

0:27:160:27:19

No, it is true, I've tried to do the Atkins.

0:27:190:27:22

I tried that, where you don't eat any carbohydrates. It's...

0:27:220:27:26

I don't know if anyone has tried it, you don't eat any bread.

0:27:260:27:30

I had no bread for three days and I started to get dizzy.

0:27:300:27:34

I had no bread for two weeks and I was hallucinating about bread.

0:27:340:27:38

Everywhere you look you see bread.

0:27:380:27:40

Bread, bread, a giant pulsating loaf of bread.

0:27:400:27:43

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Play the piano,

0:27:430:27:46

every key is a little mini baguette. "Eat me, eat me."

0:27:460:27:50

The dogs are barking

0:27:500:27:51

and all you can hear is, "bread, bread, bread, bread."

0:27:510:27:55

I was actually going insane, and I did crack in the end.

0:27:560:28:00

I licked the bread crumbs off a chicken Kiev.

0:28:000:28:04

It wasn't mine, it was someone else's.

0:28:050:28:08

"I've got to have it!"

0:28:080:28:11

APPLAUSE

0:28:110:28:12

Didn't you have a weird recognition thing when you were having hair removal?

0:28:120:28:17

LAUGHTER

0:28:170:28:19

-Did I tell that!

-You told it somewhere.

0:28:190:28:21

I talk too damn much sometimes.

0:28:210:28:23

So you were having...bits done.

0:28:230:28:28

-Hair removal, yes.

-And they recognised you down there?

0:28:280:28:32

LAUGHTER

0:28:320:28:34

Wow.

0:28:360:28:37

I know this...

0:28:390:28:40

Don't laugh, that is horrible. Awful.

0:28:440:28:47

OK, go.

0:28:480:28:50

Well, I went to this wax salon,

0:28:500:28:54

and she recognised me before I took my clothes off.

0:28:540:28:58

And I think she couldn't wait until we were alone

0:28:590:29:02

-so she could just ask for an autograph or something.

-Get a picture.

0:29:020:29:06

Or something like that, a picture, I was hoping an autograph.

0:29:060:29:10

Then, obviously, I'm lying there in pain,

0:29:100:29:16

and she just decides to bust out, and, you know what,

0:29:160:29:20

every time I get the wax,

0:29:200:29:23

I always specify that the lady is old and speaks Russian or not English.

0:29:230:29:28

She was a 25-year-old American.

0:29:300:29:33

She was basically, like, "I know who you are."

0:29:330:29:37

"You're Rihanna, aren't you?" I was just like...

0:29:370:29:42

Awkward. It was really awkward.

0:29:460:29:48

Probably one of the most awkward moments in my entire life.

0:29:480:29:53

I just got up and got out of there.

0:29:530:29:57

"Do not ever bring me back here. I told you old and Russian!"

0:29:570:30:02

-Well, thank you for sharing that story.

-Thanks for bringing it up!

0:30:020:30:06

Very good of you, very good of you.

0:30:060:30:08

There's a book called Shop Horror, right,

0:30:110:30:14

and it's a collection of all these terrible shop names in Britain.

0:30:140:30:18

And there are quite a lot of good hairdressing ones.

0:30:180:30:21

You'll like this one, here it is.

0:30:210:30:23

Curling U Softley.

0:30:230:30:24

LAUGHTER

0:30:240:30:27

That sounds like, "Having A Shit".

0:30:270:30:30

LAUGHTER

0:30:300:30:31

Oh, David, that is...

0:30:310:30:33

LAUGHTER

0:30:330:30:36

He likes that.

0:30:360:30:38

APPLAUSE

0:30:380:30:42

Here's another hairdressing one. They've travelled.

0:30:420:30:46

Blonde Dye Bleach.

0:30:460:30:48

LAUGHTER

0:30:480:30:50

Do you get it? Do you get it?

0:30:500:30:52

Was that in Sydney? Blonde Dye Bleach?

0:30:520:30:55

The shop? Look at that shop, Mary.

0:30:550:30:57

LAUGHTER

0:30:570:30:59

I really don't think it is, Mary.

0:30:590:31:03

GRAHAM LAUGHS

0:31:030:31:06

-Blonde Dye Bleach!

-No, it's really not.

0:31:060:31:08

Is Having A Shit in there? I liked that one.

0:31:080:31:12

LAUGHTER

0:31:120:31:17

They don't do this in America!

0:31:170:31:19

LAUGHTER

0:31:190:31:21

OK, imagine you're opening a fruit and veg shop

0:31:210:31:24

and you're prone to depression.

0:31:240:31:26

-OK.

-What might you call it? This is good.

0:31:260:31:30

You're prone to depression and you're opening a fruit and veg shop.

0:31:300:31:34

-No? No guesses?

-Oh, hang on. Give us a bit longer!

-OK.

0:31:340:31:38

Literally, people are watching us sit here and think of puns.

0:31:380:31:41

LAUGHTER

0:31:410:31:44

-Fruit and veg, a sort of depressive vegetable?

-Down in the somewhere...

0:31:440:31:47

Sprouts. Brussels sprouts.

0:31:470:31:50

-You'll never get it.

-Melon Colin?

0:31:500:31:53

It's Melon Cauli!

0:31:570:32:00

APPLAUSE

0:32:000:32:04

Very good.

0:32:040:32:07

-And what's the name of this tour?

-The show is called Hello, Ladies. Um...

0:32:070:32:11

WOLF WHISTLE

0:32:110:32:12

No, don't patronise me. See, he got whoops and cheers.

0:32:120:32:15

LAUGHTER

0:32:150:32:17

Um, but it's really an excuse, um... I'll be honest,

0:32:170:32:20

it's an excuse to maybe meet a wife. It seems like a good opportunity...

0:32:200:32:24

AUDIENCE: Aww! Yeah. No, no. Come on.

0:32:240:32:27

Um, so, yeah, it's a good opportunity to meet people.

0:32:270:32:31

But I don't want lots of crazy women turning up with bridal gowns on

0:32:310:32:34

and flooding the stage. Men are welcome and, you know.

0:32:340:32:39

What if, in the middle of the tour, you really met someone?

0:32:390:32:43

-Well, I'd end the tour.

-Excellent.

0:32:450:32:47

-"Goodbye, Ladies."

-Yes, of course! "Farewell, Ladies!"

0:32:470:32:51

The rest of the tour, just scribbling on all the posters!

0:32:510:32:53

Oh, I want to make it clear, I'm not doing this for people's amusement.

0:32:530:32:56

-This is to meet beautiful women.

-So are ugly women not going to get a look in?

-Welcome to come.

0:32:560:33:01

LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:02

No! I didn't mean that!

0:33:020:33:03

Ooh! Ooh! No! Oh! Oh!

0:33:030:33:07

No! I meant, "They are welcome to come."

0:33:070:33:12

They are welcome to come. You...

0:33:120:33:15

-I've just put my ticket on eBay.

-So have thousands of others!

0:33:170:33:24

-I meant anyone is welcome.

-You have to have sex with Jo now, that's the rule.

0:33:240:33:27

No, no, no, no thank you.

0:33:270:33:31

-What?!

-I like big fat ones.

0:33:310:33:33

LAUGHTER

0:33:330:33:35

Pity, because I was just thinking how sexy you are.

0:33:350:33:38

CHEERING

0:33:380:33:41

Sorry, were you looking at me or...? LAUGHTER

0:33:410:33:45

It wasn't clear. It wasn't specified.

0:33:450:33:47

APPLAUSE

0:33:470:33:48

Now, Liza, many of your fans have made their way in here tonight and,

0:33:480:33:55

believe it or not, one of your fans is a man and he lives in Amsterdam.

0:33:550:34:02

We can't draw conclusions, Liza, but those are the facts.

0:34:020:34:05

Where is that man? Is it Chris?

0:34:050:34:07

-Hi, Graham.

-Hello, sir. Oh, bless. Chris is a very talented person.

0:34:070:34:11

-You'll be impressed by this.

-Yeah?

-He has fashioned a likeness of you.

0:34:110:34:16

So, if you could hand in the likeness... This is really good.

0:34:160:34:21

It's a puppet of you. And, by the way, Chris said this isn't a gift.

0:34:210:34:27

He's just showing it to you. He's just showing it to you, but...

0:34:270:34:31

-Oh, it's great! I wish I looked that good!

-You do!

0:34:310:34:34

-Look, is that...? Let me just...

-Ooh!

0:34:340:34:39

Look at that!

0:34:410:34:42

-And then that's arms, I believe. There's arms.

-Oh!

0:34:420:34:46

-And these are the legs.

-Oh, man!

0:34:470:34:51

So if I do that and that - look at that! You're raving it!

0:34:510:34:54

APPLAUSE

0:34:540:34:58

Now, this is good. Wait, look.

0:34:580:35:00

I've commissioned a small chair.

0:35:020:35:04

LAUGHTER

0:35:040:35:06

So we can do scenes from Cabaret.

0:35:060:35:08

Shall we put the lights down?

0:35:100:35:12

Look at that.

0:35:120:35:14

See, there you are, look at that.

0:35:140:35:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:160:35:18

I'm so good at this!

0:35:180:35:20

Oh, I am so good at this.

0:35:200:35:23

-Now...

-Yes?

0:35:230:35:25

Pick up the leg and put it over the chair.

0:35:250:35:28

Yes, I will. Hang on, what's the leg?

0:35:280:35:29

That's a leg... One leg's going to go. There we go.

0:35:290:35:32

Hello, hello...

0:35:320:35:34

CHEERING

0:35:340:35:36

There she goes!

0:35:390:35:41

That was the first hip.

0:35:450:35:47

LAUGHTER

0:35:470:35:48

-That's great.

-Isn't that really good?

-So much effort has gone into that.

0:35:500:35:54

-It is beautiful.

-Look at that nose. I wish my nose looked liked that.

0:35:540:35:57

-You look gorgeous.

-So, Chris. How long ago were you in prison?

0:35:570:36:01

Then preparing for a match, it's your diet, you can't have sex, nothing.

0:36:060:36:11

No, you've got to live like a bit of a monk, to be honest.

0:36:110:36:14

Everything that goes into your mouth...

0:36:140:36:16

Except you can't have sex.

0:36:160:36:18

LAUGHTER

0:36:180:36:19

I'm joking.

0:36:220:36:24

Monk humour.

0:36:240:36:25

-You can have sex but you can't...unload.

-Oh, good Lord.

0:36:260:36:30

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:36:300:36:34

Oh, my God, stop. Stop...

0:36:450:36:48

You know, it's not that...

0:36:480:36:50

LAUGHTER

0:36:500:36:51

But you do have your baby.

0:36:540:36:56

It's not the physical side of sex that...

0:36:560:36:58

Yeah, we get it!

0:36:580:37:00

LAUGHTER

0:37:000:37:01

If I put some chocolate in my wine...

0:37:010:37:04

-Yeah, OK.

-I'm dying over here!

0:37:040:37:07

SHE COUGHS

0:37:070:37:09

-Are you all right?

-I'm choking!

0:37:090:37:11

LAUGHTER

0:37:110:37:13

-Stand up. Stand up.

-Are you choking?!

0:37:130:37:16

I just breathed water.

0:37:160:37:17

-Here we go.

-Uuuuuugh!

0:37:170:37:19

LAUGHTER

0:37:190:37:20

Is that it?

0:37:200:37:21

He saved her life.

0:37:210:37:24

Are you all right?

0:37:250:37:26

I'm ready to help.

0:37:260:37:28

If that gets water out of the lungs, then I'm fantastic.

0:37:280:37:31

-You were seriously in distress there.

-I was just... I was acting.

0:37:330:37:36

LAUGHTER

0:37:360:37:38

Give her an Oscar!

0:37:380:37:39

LAUGHTER

0:37:390:37:41

OK. So I just pour...

0:37:410:37:44

This is like decanting.

0:37:440:37:46

Be bold. Pour it in, pour it in.

0:37:460:37:49

Oh, come on.

0:37:490:37:52

Actually...

0:37:520:37:53

-That is...

-Not bad.

-..better than...

-Should we check and see if it's OK?

0:37:530:37:58

LAUGHTER

0:37:580:38:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:000:38:03

Any good?

0:38:030:38:04

Cameron Diaz and my socks.

0:38:040:38:07

I just drank it through a sock.

0:38:070:38:10

LAUGHTER

0:38:100:38:11

-I have literally, this is true...

-It tastes like Converse.

0:38:110:38:14

I have literally just wrapped season six, came back from Utah

0:38:140:38:18

and California yesterday and, um...

0:38:180:38:20

-And those are the same socks?

-..and this hasn't been changed.

0:38:200:38:23

LAUGHTER

0:38:230:38:25

-So, well done, you.

-Yum!

0:38:250:38:27

Wine and cheese. It's lovely!

0:38:270:38:29

Right? You get a little...

0:38:290:38:33

How do you go on a date?

0:38:360:38:39

Er, quite quietly, at night, in the dark.

0:38:390:38:44

LAUGHTER

0:38:440:38:45

Dogging? Is that what you're saying? Dogging?

0:38:450:38:47

No.

0:38:490:38:50

-Actual dog walking, yes, I do that.

-You could go for a walk - that's a nice date.

0:38:500:38:55

Wait, what's dogging?

0:38:550:38:57

You don't want to know.

0:38:570:38:59

I'll tell you later.

0:38:590:39:01

Can you imagine

0:39:010:39:02

coming home from the lay-by - "Was that Cher?"

0:39:020:39:05

LAUGHTER

0:39:050:39:07

It is strange, though, because I realised I'm completely rusty on the old flirting thing.

0:39:080:39:13

You know, you do a bit of flirting when you're married

0:39:130:39:16

because it's all...you know it's not going to go any further.

0:39:160:39:20

But when it could I'm extremely bad at it.

0:39:200:39:23

A chap took me out to the pictures just recently and we...

0:39:230:39:28

Oh, God! And we got back to my house

0:39:280:39:31

and he opened the car door and we got out and we walked up the steps to the...

0:39:310:39:36

And I suddenly realised it was that moment.

0:39:360:39:38

THAT moment, you know, just when...

0:39:380:39:40

In fact, stand up. I'll show you exactly what happened. Sorry, Cher.

0:39:400:39:44

So you come towards me a bit like...

0:39:440:39:47

So, that was fun.

0:39:470:39:48

Yeah, it was great. Great...

0:39:480:39:50

LAUGHTER

0:39:500:39:51

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

0:39:550:39:57

Why did I do that? Just decide to slap him quite hard.

0:40:010:40:05

And then I put two thumbs up, like that.

0:40:050:40:07

Two. Between your mouth and my mouth. Two thumbs. Definitely not kissing.

0:40:070:40:13

I'm terrible at it.

0:40:130:40:14

And then you did go to one of those ping-pong clubs.

0:40:140:40:17

We did. Yes.

0:40:170:40:19

We did, in our spare time.

0:40:190:40:22

But we also shot stills there and I had a very unfortunate experience. With the ping-pong ball.

0:40:220:40:27

What happened?

0:40:270:40:28

-I was trying to be a showboat...

-Mmm hmm...

-And I open up my mouth and pretend to catch the ball...

0:40:280:40:35

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:40:350:40:36

And she called my bluff.

0:40:360:40:38

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:40:380:40:40

It was amazing.

0:40:400:40:41

I am totally confused!

0:40:410:40:43

LAUGHTER

0:40:430:40:44

You thought the MTV story was bad!

0:40:440:40:47

Wait till you hear this one.

0:40:470:40:49

Yeah, off you go, Bradley.

0:40:490:40:52

You tell Alex what the nice lady did.

0:40:520:40:55

So you can pay to watch women...eject various objects out of their...

0:41:000:41:07

..vaginal cavity.

0:41:070:41:08

Was that proper...

0:41:080:41:09

She played a nurse on ER, she knows what you're talking about.

0:41:090:41:12

-Yeah, so, darts...

-You make it sound so sexy.

0:41:120:41:15

Darts, ping-pong balls, sort of, kites...

0:41:150:41:19

LAUGHTER

0:41:190:41:21

Ribbons to kites.

0:41:210:41:23

Kites?!

0:41:230:41:24

Ribbons, ribbons on the end of kites.

0:41:240:41:26

If kites had flown out of there you'd have got her in the movie!

0:41:260:41:30

The precision was incredible, this is one talented young woman.

0:41:300:41:35

And, um...

0:41:350:41:37

and so we were all sitting there. The monkey, Chow, myself and Stu, and I was like...

0:41:370:41:41

-"This will be good, get this one."

-"Wouldn't it be funny if..."

-And then, BOOM!

0:41:430:41:47

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:41:470:41:52

It was crazy!

0:41:520:41:53

-You're Ross?

-Yep.

-And she's Fay?

-She is indeed.

0:41:550:41:58

-This is the tale of Ross and Fay.

-She's put up with me for seven years now.

0:41:580:42:04

-Seven years?

-Seven years.

0:42:040:42:06

Over the last few months, she's been dropping lots of hints

0:42:060:42:11

about me asking her something.

0:42:110:42:14

And I thought I would ask her now. Fay...

0:42:140:42:17

-..would you...

-Do it!

0:42:170:42:19

CHEERING

0:42:190:42:21

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:42:210:42:25

No, no, no, that's mean!

0:42:340:42:37

Should we do it properly?

0:42:370:42:38

Should we do it properly?

0:42:380:42:40

Graham, Graham, no, it was best that you dropped him!

0:42:400:42:43

No, go back there with him.

0:42:430:42:45

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:42:450:42:49

Uh, don't rush(!)

0:42:570:43:00

LAUGHTER

0:43:000:43:02

That was a bit of a walk to the gallows!

0:43:040:43:06

-Maybe she's going to say no!

-"Seven years, I was sort of winding it up."

0:43:100:43:16

OK, here we go... Oh, oh, oh!

0:43:160:43:20

What's happened, what's happened?

0:43:200:43:21

Has anything happened since?

0:43:210:43:22

Have you had a row? Have you made up?

0:43:220:43:25

-OK, OK, so, now...

-I've bought you this hamster.

0:43:250:43:28

OK, here we go. This is real! Off we go.

0:43:280:43:33

Fay... I love you.

0:43:330:43:35

Will you marry me?

0:43:350:43:36

Yeah!

0:43:360:43:38

Awww!

0:43:380:43:40

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Do it, do it!

0:43:400:43:42

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:43:470:43:50

Well done to Ross and Fay!

0:43:500:43:53

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:44:050:44:08

E-mail [email protected]

0:44:080:44:12

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