Compilation The Graham Norton Show

-The end of a series. Your favourite memory?

-Lady Gaga's performance.

-Oh, yes? You?

-I liked the interview with Tom Hanks.

-Oh, right. You?

I liked where you fell down the stairs.

Well, I didn't fall down the stair...!

Let's start the show!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Ohh!

Oh, too kind! Too kind. Thank you very much!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the end of another series.

Oh, I've had so many brilliant guests. So many.

I suppose, if I had to pick my favourite,

it'd be a bit of Lady Gaga, a bit of Tom Hanks,

a bit of Snoop Dogg and a bit of Cameron Diaz.

But then it would've looked like this.

Er...

No.

Actually, let's have a look at them individually.

Please welcome the phenomenal Lady Gaga!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello, lovely lady.

So nice to see you!

Gwyneth, Gaga.

Geoffrey, Gaga.

Jason, Gaga.

Hello, Lady Gaga.

Oh, sit yourself down, you lovely...

-I'm so excited you're here.

-I had no idea there would be...cuisine.

Would you like some?

-No, I'm OK.

-Yes, you have to sing in a bit. You don't want to...

-Are artichokes not good for singing?

-No, they'll coat the cords. Yeah.

But...famously, you have this incredible rapport with your fans.

A real... You know, a real connection with them.

-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-I love you, Gaga!

-I love you, too.

CHEERS

OK. Some cheering and clapping and that's that.

But I suppose what interests me is the kind of...

-the one-on-one love, cos you are dating, aren't you?

-"Dating"...?

-A boyfriend?

-No boyfriend.

-You don't have a boyfriend?

-Do you go on dates?

-No, I'm miserably pathetic in my wedding dress.

But do you go on dates? Could somebody ask Lady Gaga out?

Um, well, you could. I haven't been on any dates recently.

I'm working so hard and I just finished my record and...

I don't know, I get really bored very quickly with men.

-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Come on a date with me!

Yes, OK! See, I'm so easy!

If someone asked you on a date, what would you wear?

I would imagine they might freak out if I showed up in this wedding dress!

Running for the door.

"She seems a little keen."

"I do!"

APPLAUSE

But can you still bust a move?

No.

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-I'm too old!

Do something, do something!

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

I don't have enough room.

We'll make room. We'll make room.

Well, what do you...? Like, over here?

-Yeah, do it back... Where would you...?

-I... I don't have any music. So...

We'll put music on. Wait, is down there better?

-Where's better?

-Right here's good.

-Can we get cameras for back there?

-I don't hear music!

-Can we get some music?

-MUSIC STARTS

-Oh.

-Oh, here we go!

Oh! I'll take it.

Here we go.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

-Woo!

-Oh, wow!

What was amazing. Thank you so much!

Wow!

-Oh!

-A windmill with a nutcracker?

Know what I saying?

Get to know me, Snoop.

-Wow.

-Get to know me, Snoop!

-How cool was that?

-Wait a minute. Just a minute.

The ultimate move he did was called the windmill with the nutcracker.

-Wow.

-You can't do that at 17 years old!

He just popped a windmill and came out of that with the nutcracker.

I'm impressed. I am impressed.

We nuts on this show!

Nuts!

Animation films. I would think, "That sounds easy."

But then I read that it's really hard work. For you, anyway.

Well, it's fun work because the people are great

but it is very, very...

hard.

Particularly Woody, cos Woody is always, like, yelling

and he's always like, "Rarr!" He's always doing that.

And the way it works, they start working on it

and it takes about four years for them to start animating it and get to the final product.

So about every six months, you go into a recording studio,

But, you... And you face the booth. The screen is behind you.

It's cos it's on the lot.

And you face the booth, and in the booth are these heads

that look like judges at the Olympics, you know?

And they're in a soundproof... You can't hear them. But they can hear every word you say.

So you've got a scene where you had to say something like...

You're standing, and you have to 18 variations of something like this,

YELLS: "Buzz, if we don't get back there, I'm going to go absolutely berserk!"

That's what you have to do.

And you do it every kind of way you possibly can

until your diaphragm is busted and your throat is raw,

you've spit all over the copy.

It's your fourth hour of doing it, and you go, "I'm going to go berserk!"

Then you look at the people in the booth and they're all going...

And they almost press the talk-back that they can talk... And they go...

"Hey, Tom, that was great."

Was it this week? Was it this week you had the wardrobe malfunction?

Yeah.

Cos... Now... Please tell me no paparazzi got...?

No, and luckily... There was a bus stop full of people

and luckily, they didn't recognise me.

I'd woken up and had a really embarrassing encounter with someone when I woke up.

And then, um... This is really random, sorry!

I was so mortified that I left the house to go buy some milk and stuff like that, and I had...

It was a hot day.

And I had this weird dress/poncho thing on that had no arms

and was only on me round me neck.

And I went out and I didn't have time to, like, kind of...

It was to about here and I didn't have time to put anything on

and then a gust of wind come...

And I was literally, like, hula-hooping my dress around my neck.

And I was butt naked underneath!

Naked?!

-Butt naked.

-Naked!

-Butt naked.

They all laughed but I had no-one to laugh with. They was laughing at me!

Listen, right... No, I'm getting a bit sweaty just talking about it!

-Please can I have that for my next series?

-Yeah, you can take it.

-Have it.

-Thank you.

-It was... It was awful.

Awful. Old men, old women, young kids. Like... It was awful.

-It's brilliant. "I've seen Adele naked."

-They didn't know it was me. But they will now.

Is it true that you're a huge fan of '90s hip-hop?

Yes.

-Very true.

-Seriously?!

-Seriously, yeah.

OK. So let me test you.

Oh, God!

-So if I said to you, "Straight out of Compton."

-Yes?

-What would you say?

-I say, "A classic NWA album."

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-You want to know more?

-Do you know the lyrics? Do you know the lyrics?

-Yeah.

-Can she do them on this?

-We'll bleep it, it's fine.

-OK. There's one word I can't say.

-Don't say that one. Yeah.

-Want us to do the background music?

-Yes, please.

-Will we do the background music?

-I don't know it.

-You just make siren noises.

-Do you know the record? There are sirens on it.

-Here we go.

THEY MAKE SIREN NOISES

RAPS: Yo, here's a little something 'bout a ... like me

Never shoulda been let out the penitentiary

Ice Cube, I'd like to say that I'm a crazy motherf... from around the way

Since I was a youth I smoked weed out

Now I'm the motherf... that you read about.

Very good!

Well done, Gwyneth Paltrow.

We asked the audience if they had any nicknames and we did get a few in.

Er... Ari... Ari Olafsson? Ari? Ari?

That's me, I guess.

Oh, you. You? You.

And, now, your nickname was...?

First off, the name, Ari.

It's Icelandic, so I'm familiar with skata.

-I thought I smelled something.

-Do you like it?

Yeah, I do. We all like it.

-That explains a lot!

-Hey, break it up, you two!

But your nickname... Your nickname was...?

Right, yeah. I feel quite ridiculous saying this now that I've actually seen the man,

but a few years back, some people in Iceland

actually started calling me Ashton,

because they thought I looked like him.

The spitting image, bud.

To be fair, Graham, he has make-up on. I don't.

Um...

Rebuttal! Rebuttal!

I have a rebuttal. I have a rebuttal.

I would like you to know and I will let the world know -

you can come inspect, if you would like -

I refuse to wear make-up on talk shows.

I never do. Never, not once, have I ever...

And you can come look if you want, good sir. That's all me, baby!

Beautiful.

I blame the long dark winter nights.

I've got 4lbs of make-up on.

What was your full name?

Er, first off I quite like wearing make-up!

LAUGHTER

The most weirdly aggressive Icelandic man...

He's the angriest man alive!

Move the pole.

-My favourite story is that story of you in Heathrow.

-Oh, yes.

That was great. That was the best thing of the whole...

-It makes me cry, that story.

-It does me.

-I'm crying now.

After I had won the Oscar, I came back on my own

but I carried my Oscar hand-luggage.

I guess I wanted it with me, I was frightened...

You didn't want it to get lost. And end up in Dubai!

So anyway, in the luggage thing waiting for my luggage to arrive

and someone spots me and starts applauding.

And then the whole luggage hall...

It's like a scene in a movie.

And the whole luggage hall, everybody realised I was there all started applauding.

-Did you bawl?

-I bawled.

And I had my Oscar in my hand luggage so I took it out.

Isn't that fabulous?

We'll turn down the sound so by watching them dance

we'll try to guess what Cher track they're dancing to.

-Good game.

-A bit of Christmas fun!

So, turn down the sound and spin the first disc.

-I think she believes in life after love.

-Do you think?

-I do.

Shall we see?

It is!

# Do you believe in life after love? #

Do you want a go?

# Really don't think you're strong enough... #

You...

# Do you believe in life after love? #

APPLAUSE

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, you useless bunch!

Are European fans more reserved than Americans or...?

We had a frisky time in Germany.

The Germans were quite assertive, let me put it that way.

I'm not saying they conform to any national stereotype at all.

Because they really were charming and friendly

but if things don't go their way...

I had to get on a train to leave Germany and there were

a bunch of people with autographs and I said I'll miss my train if I...

So, they started tearing up the photographs and throwing them in my face.

And saying, go back to England!

That's what I'm trying to do.

APPLAUSE

And then they would...

What I didn't realise was the German word...

It's not a word, the German for boo is not boo.

When Germans boo, they go ooh.

So, I had people, after they had done that

and had said their German things, I was running for this train

and all I could he was people going, oooh!

Is it true or not you kept a light sabre?

I officially don't own a light sabre.

(MOUTHS) I've got one.

The props guy gave me one. No, he didn't!

We bought some light sabres. They're pretty good.

That one is on already. Hang on.

-You have to know what you're doing with these.

-You do, though. Which one would you like?

-Which one looks like yours?

-The one in the middle, I think.

-That's Alec Guinness's one.

-Then it's yours.

-Oh, my God!

-These are really nice.

-Amazing.

-How do you turn it on?

Will they break? Oh, no, they won't!

You make the sound effects yourself... Do you want one?

-Not at all(!)

-There you go.

Look at that!

That's fantastic. Can you make the noises?

To begin with it was quite difficult not to make the sound.. Zzsssh.

And also when it goes away.

It makes that nice... zzsssh noise when it goes down.

Oh, yes.

Have you heard that, in Rocky,

apparently like, in the first film particularly,

it's just loads of sound effects

of Sylvester Stallone, going, "pfft!"

-Let's have the lights down.

-You have to start them up.

-Oh, OK, so, off, off...

-How do you do that?

Uh...there. There. It's off now. There you go. You've got it.

OK, so when you put it on, it has to make this sort of noise, "Gsssssht!"

Gssssht!

ALL MIMIC LIGHTSABER

Oh! Aah, now...!

APPLAUSE

-You're so good at it!

-I spent months doing it!

Mine keeps going off though when I twirl it.

I could... Ow!

They'll break! They'll break! They're 150 quid each!

-How much do they cost?

-150 quid each!

I don't know if you've seen,

but despite the temperatures out the back, the Beliebers are there.

-It's amazing. They're awesome.

-Look at them, there they are. Yes!

SCREAMING

Look, she's got a sign, saying she's "Britain's Biggest Belieber".

-All right.

-Beliebers, Beliebers? We have a message from your leader!

LAUGHTER

-I love you!

-SCREAMING

We'll talk to you later. Bye bye, Beliebers!

-It's terrifying!

-Yes.

-Cos you're 16 now.

-Yes.

And in interviews, you're quite careful when people ask, you know,

-what sort of woman would you like to go out with?

-Yeah.

-You're quite vague in your answers.

-Yeah.

I don't want to... Like... I'm just being honest.

I like all girls.

Like... I like every type of girl!

So you don't have a type, yet?

I mean, I think that I like someone who is funny,

as long as they are funny, they have a nice personality, nice eyes...

Hello, Justin(!)

How you doing(?)

-I'm into girls who are like...

-It's wrong, isn't it?

..kinda closer to my age!

LAUGHTER

-Oh! Oh!

-SARCASTIC BOOING

-I didn't mean anything bad! But like, closer to my...

-I'm 22(!)

Yeah, and I'm 58(!)

It won't last!

-Can I just say... At 22, still too old!

-Yes!

You two, thank you so much for doing this.

-Cos I know you've just come from the premiere...

-CHEERING

-How did it go?

-It was great. There were a lot of people there.

It was insane. Especially at Westfield Shopping Centre.

-It's like, why is this happening here?

-It doesn't ooze glamour.

We went in the entrance where all the dumpsters are, and stuff!

No, it's great. We always see the glamorous sides of buildings(!)

I believe, kind of Royal wedding stylee,

people have been sleeping there overnight.

Were people sleeping out for the royal wedding?

Yes. And your premiere, as well, yeah.

Water for elephants stylee, they slept out for the Royal wedding!

-Did you not know that?

-No, no, I didn't know

until we actually got there, and people said, "I've been here for 32 hours."

-Ooh! Cos some people went to the premiere and now are here.

-CHEERING

-Oh, hi!

-How do they do that?!

I remember you were there! You look super familiar!

Reese, that's why you won the Oscar. That was very good!

That reminds me, we were at the premiere and this girl goes,

"I only have time for one question, can I smell you?"

Of all the things that you could ask somebody!

Did you say no, then block her nostrils up?

So is this...? This is a Steinway? What's that mean?!

It's gorgeous(!)

Um... PLAYS TUNE

# What do tigers dream of

# When they take a little tiger snooze?

# Do they dream of mauling zebras

# Or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit?

# Don't you worry your pretty stripy head

# We're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cosy tiger bed

# We're gonna find our best friend, Doug

# And then we're gonna give him a best friend hug

# Oh, Doug, whoa

# Dougie Doug's gone

# Doggy dog dog... #

APPLAUSE

Wait for it.

# But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers

# Well, then we're shit out of luck. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

And you do date night as well, don't you?

Yes, er, we try doing date nights to sort of, you know,

get things, you know, moving. And...

And we tried one, we went out for a lovely curry, had a lovely curry,

got in, put a DVD on, champion.

Halfway through the film, got a bit sort of, you know,

a little bit smoochy, things started to get a little bit HOT.

We'd forgotten that we'd had a curry a couple of hours before that.

Nevertheless, he went downstairs, er...

I mean, you know, you know downstairs, yeah?

I don't mean for like a glass of water!

No, I like it, I like it.

Was this pre shower, during shower, after shower?

After shower, I'm not a pervert.

APPLAUSE

We're keeping it fresh.

And he went downstairs, and er...

And it got, I mean it was fun, it was all going well.

And I realised that I could... There's no nice way of saying this.

I apologise in advance. I could feel a fart brewing.

Look at his face!

Er, now who's learning?

So I could feel it and I didn't really know what to do.

So what I did, similar to in the film Rain Man,

I just started going, "Uh-oh, uh-oh!"

And he just carried on.

Cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought I was doing an impression of Beyonce.

I thought I'd try a little experiment.

So who's in relationships in the audience? How many people are in a relationship?

Oh, quite a few.

Yes, the man with the man bag.

Very good, nice, nice. Who else is in a relationship?

Who else?

Oh, the two of you.

-Now what's your name?

-John.

-John. What's you name?

-Gerard.

-Gerard.

Do either of you have an iPhone?

-Yes.

-Can I see your iPhone for a second?

OK.

-What was your name again?

-John.

-OK.

Is it locked?

It's not, OK. Ooh, you've been to Cape Town, how nice.

So if I go into messages...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Where's Gerard? OK. Oh!

This is so lovely.

Do you mind? This is really, this is gorgeous dialogue.

I've got a little camera here.

Look at this. Oh, look.

"We are leaving now, Pickle."

"Hurry hurry."

Ahh.

That's so cute. Oh, look.

"Hope you're OK. Looks like we'll be here till ten."

"OK, Pickle, hurry."

"We're now leaving." "Hurry hurry."

# Have a good day, angel."

"You too, my darling angel."

Oh, oh, oh, that is brilliant!

"Did you manage to get Liza tickets?"

Tom Lehrer, in my opinion, is the cleverest and funniest man

of the 20th century and I just, he's kind of my hero.

He wrote a song called The Elements, cos he was a scientist.

It's the name of every element in the Periodic Table.

And that's my party piece. It's quite long, so do stop me if you get bored.

-OK.

-This kept me up last night, I was so nervous about doing this.

-Oh, I feel bad now.

-No.

OK, so.

# There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium

# And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium

# And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium

# And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium

# Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium

# And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium

# And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium

# And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium

# There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium

# And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium

# And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium

# And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. #

Then the next verse.

# There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium...

LAUGHTER

# There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium

# And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium

# And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium

# Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium

# And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium

# Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium

# And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium

# And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium

# There's sulphur, californium, and fermium, berkelium

# And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium

# And argon, radon, neon... # Ah, and argon... Hold on, quiet!

LAUGHTER

# And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium

# And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium. #

Now clap. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Is this...?

Is this, sort of, what it was like?

APPLAUSE

-It's exactly the way it was.

-Yeah?

-Oh, exactly.

I love Sigourney cos she's humouring us.

Sandi, you've been very good.

-No.

-No.

-But, no, get into character.

-We're having breakfast and suddenly he starts coughing.

-Right.

-And he can't stop coughing.

-OK.

-And suddenly something starts to burst out of his chest.

-OK.

So, in the end he's in terrible pain.

-We're going a bit hysterical, is that right?

-Yes.

You're thrashing around. Just move a leg.

Thrashing, thrashing.

OK. OK.

OK. Screaming, and maybe moving backwards.

SANDI SCREAMS

GRAHAM SCREAMS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Bravo. Bravo. It's good.

Not bad.

Here, have that.

Oh my God.

I am never seeing that film.

It looks a little like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I bet no-one has ever seen it from this angle.

I don't want to be rude, but how much weight have you lost?

We say it in pounds, so I have lost 80 pounds.

-80 pounds.

-Wow.

Wow!

Thank you.

-That's a lot.

-That's like Victoria Beckham-and-a-half.

-80 pounds.

-80 pounds.

-That's like six stone or something.

-Six stone.

-A whole singing person.

People going, "Yes, it is. Yes. It's a combined weight. Yes, yes."

-Are you hungry?

-No.

I get that too. Everywhere I go.

"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"

No, but really, I can eat anything I like.

It's about balance.

We're having, like, a Weight Watchers meeting now. So, anyway, guys...

-You track everything you eat.

-I've tried...

No, it is true, I've tried to do the Atkins.

I tried that, where you don't eat any carbohydrates. It's...

I don't know if anyone has tried it, you don't eat any bread.

I had no bread for three days and I started to get dizzy.

I had no bread for two weeks and I was hallucinating about bread.

Everywhere you look you see bread.

Bread, bread, a giant pulsating loaf of bread.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Play the piano,

every key is a little mini baguette. "Eat me, eat me."

The dogs are barking

and all you can hear is, "bread, bread, bread, bread."

I was actually going insane, and I did crack in the end.

I licked the bread crumbs off a chicken Kiev.

It wasn't mine, it was someone else's.

"I've got to have it!"

APPLAUSE

Didn't you have a weird recognition thing when you were having hair removal?

LAUGHTER

-Did I tell that!

-You told it somewhere.

I talk too damn much sometimes.

So you were having...bits done.

-Hair removal, yes.

-And they recognised you down there?

LAUGHTER

Wow.

I know this...

Don't laugh, that is horrible. Awful.

OK, go.

Well, I went to this wax salon,

and she recognised me before I took my clothes off.

And I think she couldn't wait until we were alone

-so she could just ask for an autograph or something.

-Get a picture.

Or something like that, a picture, I was hoping an autograph.

Then, obviously, I'm lying there in pain,

and she just decides to bust out, and, you know what,

every time I get the wax,

I always specify that the lady is old and speaks Russian or not English.

She was a 25-year-old American.

She was basically, like, "I know who you are."

"You're Rihanna, aren't you?" I was just like...

Awkward. It was really awkward.

Probably one of the most awkward moments in my entire life.

I just got up and got out of there.

"Do not ever bring me back here. I told you old and Russian!"

-Well, thank you for sharing that story.

-Thanks for bringing it up!

Very good of you, very good of you.

There's a book called Shop Horror, right,

and it's a collection of all these terrible shop names in Britain.

And there are quite a lot of good hairdressing ones.

You'll like this one, here it is.

Curling U Softley.

LAUGHTER

That sounds like, "Having A Shit".

LAUGHTER

Oh, David, that is...

LAUGHTER

He likes that.

APPLAUSE

Here's another hairdressing one. They've travelled.

Blonde Dye Bleach.

LAUGHTER

Do you get it? Do you get it?

Was that in Sydney? Blonde Dye Bleach?

The shop? Look at that shop, Mary.

LAUGHTER

I really don't think it is, Mary.

GRAHAM LAUGHS

-Blonde Dye Bleach!

-No, it's really not.

Is Having A Shit in there? I liked that one.

LAUGHTER

They don't do this in America!

LAUGHTER

OK, imagine you're opening a fruit and veg shop

and you're prone to depression.

-OK.

-What might you call it? This is good.

You're prone to depression and you're opening a fruit and veg shop.

-No? No guesses?

-Oh, hang on. Give us a bit longer!

-OK.

Literally, people are watching us sit here and think of puns.

LAUGHTER

-Fruit and veg, a sort of depressive vegetable?

-Down in the somewhere...

Sprouts. Brussels sprouts.

-You'll never get it.

-Melon Colin?

It's Melon Cauli!

APPLAUSE

Very good.

-And what's the name of this tour?

-The show is called Hello, Ladies. Um...

WOLF WHISTLE

No, don't patronise me. See, he got whoops and cheers.

LAUGHTER

Um, but it's really an excuse, um... I'll be honest,

it's an excuse to maybe meet a wife. It seems like a good opportunity...

AUDIENCE: Aww! Yeah. No, no. Come on.

Um, so, yeah, it's a good opportunity to meet people.

But I don't want lots of crazy women turning up with bridal gowns on

and flooding the stage. Men are welcome and, you know.

What if, in the middle of the tour, you really met someone?

-Well, I'd end the tour.

-Excellent.

-"Goodbye, Ladies."

-Yes, of course! "Farewell, Ladies!"

The rest of the tour, just scribbling on all the posters!

Oh, I want to make it clear, I'm not doing this for people's amusement.

-This is to meet beautiful women.

-So are ugly women not going to get a look in?

-Welcome to come.

LAUGHTER

No! I didn't mean that!

Ooh! Ooh! No! Oh! Oh!

No! I meant, "They are welcome to come."

They are welcome to come. You...

-I've just put my ticket on eBay.

-So have thousands of others!

-I meant anyone is welcome.

-You have to have sex with Jo now, that's the rule.

No, no, no, no thank you.

-What?!

-I like big fat ones.

LAUGHTER

Pity, because I was just thinking how sexy you are.

CHEERING

Sorry, were you looking at me or...? LAUGHTER

It wasn't clear. It wasn't specified.

APPLAUSE

Now, Liza, many of your fans have made their way in here tonight and,

believe it or not, one of your fans is a man and he lives in Amsterdam.

We can't draw conclusions, Liza, but those are the facts.

Where is that man? Is it Chris?

-Hi, Graham.

-Hello, sir. Oh, bless. Chris is a very talented person.

-You'll be impressed by this.

-Yeah?

-He has fashioned a likeness of you.

So, if you could hand in the likeness... This is really good.

It's a puppet of you. And, by the way, Chris said this isn't a gift.

He's just showing it to you. He's just showing it to you, but...

-Oh, it's great! I wish I looked that good!

-You do!

-Look, is that...? Let me just...

-Ooh!

Look at that!

-And then that's arms, I believe. There's arms.

-Oh!

-And these are the legs.

-Oh, man!

So if I do that and that - look at that! You're raving it!

APPLAUSE

Now, this is good. Wait, look.

I've commissioned a small chair.

LAUGHTER

So we can do scenes from Cabaret.

Shall we put the lights down?

Look at that.

See, there you are, look at that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm so good at this!

Oh, I am so good at this.

-Now...

-Yes?

Pick up the leg and put it over the chair.

Yes, I will. Hang on, what's the leg?

That's a leg... One leg's going to go. There we go.

Hello, hello...

CHEERING

There she goes!

That was the first hip.

LAUGHTER

-That's great.

-Isn't that really good?

-So much effort has gone into that.

-It is beautiful.

-Look at that nose. I wish my nose looked liked that.

-You look gorgeous.

-So, Chris. How long ago were you in prison?

Then preparing for a match, it's your diet, you can't have sex, nothing.

No, you've got to live like a bit of a monk, to be honest.

Everything that goes into your mouth...

Except you can't have sex.

LAUGHTER

I'm joking.

Monk humour.

-You can have sex but you can't...unload.

-Oh, good Lord.

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Oh, my God, stop. Stop...

You know, it's not that...

LAUGHTER

But you do have your baby.

It's not the physical side of sex that...

Yeah, we get it!

LAUGHTER

If I put some chocolate in my wine...

-Yeah, OK.

-I'm dying over here!

SHE COUGHS

-Are you all right?

-I'm choking!

LAUGHTER

-Stand up. Stand up.

-Are you choking?!

I just breathed water.

-Here we go.

-Uuuuuugh!

LAUGHTER

Is that it?

He saved her life.

Are you all right?

I'm ready to help.

If that gets water out of the lungs, then I'm fantastic.

-You were seriously in distress there.

-I was just... I was acting.

LAUGHTER

Give her an Oscar!

LAUGHTER

OK. So I just pour...

This is like decanting.

Be bold. Pour it in, pour it in.

Oh, come on.

Actually...

-That is...

-Not bad.

-..better than...

-Should we check and see if it's OK?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Any good?

Cameron Diaz and my socks.

I just drank it through a sock.

LAUGHTER

-I have literally, this is true...

-It tastes like Converse.

I have literally just wrapped season six, came back from Utah

and California yesterday and, um...

-And those are the same socks?

-..and this hasn't been changed.

LAUGHTER

-So, well done, you.

-Yum!

Wine and cheese. It's lovely!

Right? You get a little...

How do you go on a date?

Er, quite quietly, at night, in the dark.

LAUGHTER

Dogging? Is that what you're saying? Dogging?

No.

-Actual dog walking, yes, I do that.

-You could go for a walk - that's a nice date.

Wait, what's dogging?

You don't want to know.

I'll tell you later.

Can you imagine

coming home from the lay-by - "Was that Cher?"

LAUGHTER

It is strange, though, because I realised I'm completely rusty on the old flirting thing.

You know, you do a bit of flirting when you're married

because it's all...you know it's not going to go any further.

But when it could I'm extremely bad at it.

A chap took me out to the pictures just recently and we...

Oh, God! And we got back to my house

and he opened the car door and we got out and we walked up the steps to the...

And I suddenly realised it was that moment.

THAT moment, you know, just when...

In fact, stand up. I'll show you exactly what happened. Sorry, Cher.

So you come towards me a bit like...

So, that was fun.

Yeah, it was great. Great...

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Why did I do that? Just decide to slap him quite hard.

And then I put two thumbs up, like that.

Two. Between your mouth and my mouth. Two thumbs. Definitely not kissing.

I'm terrible at it.

And then you did go to one of those ping-pong clubs.

We did. Yes.

We did, in our spare time.

But we also shot stills there and I had a very unfortunate experience. With the ping-pong ball.

What happened?

-I was trying to be a showboat...

-Mmm hmm...

-And I open up my mouth and pretend to catch the ball...

AUDIENCE GROANS

And she called my bluff.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

It was amazing.

I am totally confused!

LAUGHTER

You thought the MTV story was bad!

Wait till you hear this one.

Yeah, off you go, Bradley.

You tell Alex what the nice lady did.

So you can pay to watch women...eject various objects out of their...

..vaginal cavity.

Was that proper...

She played a nurse on ER, she knows what you're talking about.

-Yeah, so, darts...

-You make it sound so sexy.

Darts, ping-pong balls, sort of, kites...

LAUGHTER

Ribbons to kites.

Kites?!

Ribbons, ribbons on the end of kites.

If kites had flown out of there you'd have got her in the movie!

The precision was incredible, this is one talented young woman.

And, um...

and so we were all sitting there. The monkey, Chow, myself and Stu, and I was like...

-"This will be good, get this one."

-"Wouldn't it be funny if..."

-And then, BOOM!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

It was crazy!

-You're Ross?

-Yep.

-And she's Fay?

-She is indeed.

-This is the tale of Ross and Fay.

-She's put up with me for seven years now.

-Seven years?

-Seven years.

Over the last few months, she's been dropping lots of hints

about me asking her something.

And I thought I would ask her now. Fay...

-..would you...

-Do it!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

No, no, no, that's mean!

Should we do it properly?

Should we do it properly?

Graham, Graham, no, it was best that you dropped him!

No, go back there with him.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Uh, don't rush(!)

LAUGHTER

That was a bit of a walk to the gallows!

-Maybe she's going to say no!

-"Seven years, I was sort of winding it up."

OK, here we go... Oh, oh, oh!

What's happened, what's happened?

Has anything happened since?

Have you had a row? Have you made up?

-OK, OK, so, now...

-I've bought you this hamster.

OK, here we go. This is real! Off we go.

Fay... I love you.

Will you marry me?

Yeah!

Awww!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Do it, do it!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Well done to Ross and Fay!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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