Episode 9 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, a two-time Oscar winner.

Star of many brilliant films, including my favourite comedy, Big.

I wish I was big. I wish I was big. I wish I was...

Ow! Oh, hello! Hiya!

Let's start the show!

Hello. Hello! Hello! Hello!

Oh! Here we are.

Ladies and gentlemen, what a great show we've got for you tonight.

Acting legend, two times Oscar winner, Tom Hanks, is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, he is. British comic turned Hollywood star, Simon Pegg, is here.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

And American X Factor beauty Nicole Scherzinger is here.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes.

And, of course, Nicole is one of the judges

on the new series of American X Factor.

Well, she was when we recorded this show.

By now she could be fired, rehired,

entered as a contestant, we really don't know.

We know she's going out with Formula One driver,

Lewis Hamilton though, don't we?

Yes. Oh, there's Lewis.

A man whose sole purpose in life is to come first.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And really quickly.

LAUGHTER

Simon Pegg is here.

Simon, of course, recently starred as Scotty

in the new Star Trek movie.

That's where the crew of the Enterprise

travel where no man has gone before.

It is life, but not as we know it.

So looking forward to meeting Tom Hanks.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Been in so many amazing films,

like Castaway, he played a man stranded on a desert island.

Oh, there he is, collecting some wood

and putting the finishing touches to his shelter.

He's good. I'll give him that.

In the film, Tom makes a friend for himself out of a volleyball.

Now, it's not very lifelike, is it?

Who has hair like that on an empty head?

They're real!

But, of course, Tom also starred in the epic World War II movie

Saving Private Ryan.

A Private Ryan.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Not any more!

APPLAUSE

Let's get some guests on. What's new pussycat?

I'll find out from Nicole Scherzinger!

Whoa! Let me greet you! Wow. You look amazing.

-Oh, beautiful.

-Thank you! Hello!

Sit yourself down.

It's Shaun Of The Dead funny, Simon Pegg.

Hello, sir, how are you doing? It is really lovely to see you.

Oh, Simon.

And Houston, we have no problem with this guest.

It is Mr Tom Hanks.

That is a cool couch. That is a very cool couch.

In honour of Nicole,

we're all going to sit up on the edge of it with her,

with our legs crossed.

I'll keep an eye. At the moment, nothing. I can see nothing.

It's all good.

You're being very gentlemanly.

Indeed, sir. I'm an American.

And you've just come from your premiere?

-Yes, at the Westfield Shopping Centre.

-The glamour!

Have you been to the place?

The biggest shopping centre I've ever seen.

Not only did we see the movie, but I popped into Boots.

LAUGHTER

Listen, it's lovely you're all here.

Tom, Simon, but before we do another thing,

-I've got to ask you, Nicole, as of now...

-I'm shaking. What?

What's going on? What is happening in world of X Factor?

I haven't said this, but I believe it's been made official

that I'm actually a judge on the US X Factor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did they keep you in the loop,

or are you finding out along with the rest of us?

I'm kind of finding out along with the rest of us as well.

It's kind of crazy when you get a phone call

and you read it in the paper first.

I was the host of the US X Factor

and now I'm having this amazing opportunity to be the judge now.

If you eat a bad salad from Germany,

you'll be the most famous person in the world.

And sleep with Ryan Giggs.

Yes!

Now, listen. Tom Hanks, sir.

You seem to be spending a lot of time here.

Do you kind of live here now?

I have been here enough, working with Band of Brothers,

which featured Mr Simon Pegg, ladies and gentlemen.

So I've got enough haunts to go, I know where to avoid the fist fights.

And where to go have some fist fights.

Well, we saw you, you went to the dinner with the Queen?

I was with the Queen and the President just last week, yes.

For an American I kept trying to figure out, "Why am I here?

"Why did this...? Did I win a ticket?

"Is this Charlie And The Chocolate Factory?

"Excuse me, lady, lady, do you run this place?"

There we are.

There's my white tie and tails.

-You look very smart.

-That is not a rental, by the way.

They had a powder blue and I said, "Let me go with the traditional black."

But we got there and it turned out it's a surprisingly informal...

They get it, you know. Everybody who works there

smiles and points you in the direction.

And everybody says,

"Hello, I'm Julie, I'm Simon. Nice to see you. What do you do?

"I'm the Duchess of Westmoreland. And what do you do?"

"Well, I run British Intelligence, how are you?"

It's like on a first-name basis.

-Did you meet HER?

-Yes. Oh, yes, indeed.

-And chitty chat?

I talked about doing Shakespeare, that's how I got my start

in the United States, doing Shakespeare.

And we compared notes on that. She did say this,

"We love to go to the theatre."

I'm not going to do an imitation of the Queen.

If I fall into that, you cut it!

-I will.

-You take it out of the show.

She said,

"We love going to the theatre, and my sister..."

MOCK ACCENT: "Oh, love to go to the theatre!"

"..and my sister could go to the theatre

"and hear a song once and then come home."

And I said, "Play it on the piano?"

And she said, "Yes."

That was my moment with Her Majesty.

Who you call Her Majesty first, and then you call Ma'am.

Weirdly, there's been a lot of that.

-You've met the Queen, Simon, haven't you?

-I did, recently.

I met her at the Narnia premiere.

I thought I broke her, to be honest.

The Queen has never had to worry about the awkwardness

of starting a conversation.

She's never had an embarrassing pause,

because she always must speak first.

So she takes as much time as she wants to do that.

So she came up to me,

I was standing next to young Joe McElderry, the X Factor winner.

And she said, "And you're a musician?"

Someone whispered he was in her ear.

And she came up to me and she went...

I was just waiting for her to speak. I swear it was like 30 seconds.

I started to bead sweat

and she went, "And what do you do?" Like that.

I almost hugged her. I thought, "Thank God, you're still with us."

But then the brilliant one was, Philip came by.

I played a mouse in Narnia, did the voice of a mouse.

And someone told him what I was doing and he said,

"When did you realise you had the voice of a mouse?"

I thought, "You think I was cast

"because I have a naturally mousy voice."

I think he thought I have some sort of disability

that had given me an accent for it.

I made her cry. I have it on good authority that at the end of Narnia

there's a really sweet moment with Reepicheep, the mouse.

He does this very moving thing.

And the Queen was, I swear to God,

sitting five seats down from me, wearing 3D glasses.

Which is a sight to behold, to see the monarch, in 3D glasses.

And they weren't even gold, on a stick.

They were just plastic, Buddy-Holly-style 3D glasses.

And she dabbed her eye with a tissue.

You actually thought the Queen was going to have gold 3D glasses?

"It is so lifelike."

I don't think that's going to happen.

Bespoke by Savile Row!

Nicole, you haven't met the Queen but you and the Pussycat Dolls

performed for Prince Philip and Camilla.

You were shocked by that picture.

-Prince Charles and Camilla?

-Yes.

What song did you choose to perform in front of them?

Ooh, that's a good question.

I think we performed I Hate This Part.

-No.

-Really?

-We didn't?

-No.

You got up in front of Prince Charles and Camilla

and sang Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?

-I could have told you that!

-Wow!

We were backstage, laughing so much.

It's an empowering song. It is very empowering.

They allowed you back in to the United Kingdom.

We were just giving, that day.

Now, Tom Hanks, sir.

You've got a new movie out, that you just went to the premiere of.

-Yes, indeed.

-Which I know is very close to your heart.

But before we do, we just have to spend...

We're just going to spend a few minutes, because you're here,

and you haven't been on the show before,

-just to marvel at your career.

-Oh, for sure(!)

Most successful actors, their box office is in millions.

-Over 8 billion, your movies have made.

-Wow, really?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's news to me!

All right then. All right.

Then why did I have to pay for this suit?

-That's like a country.

-That's extraordinary.

-That's like a successful country.

-I could secede.

-Yeah, You could be king of somewhere.

-Then I could ask you

to come and sing My Girlfriend Is Hot Like You.

Sleepless in Seattle, Philadelphia, Forrest Gump,

Apollo 13, all three Toy Stories.

-Yes, yes.

-Castaway.

-It's amazing.

-Yeah, it's been fun.

When you look back, is there one that you think,

"That's the one I'm really happy I said yes to?"

Well, I got to tell you, when we did Apollo 13 it was the first time

I was only with two other guys for, like, most of the movie.

And I have to tell you,

you might have noticed this on Band Of Brothers,

when three guys are making the movie, the jokes become so filthy,

as of lunch time of the first day of shooting.

I got to tell you, Kevin Bacon and Bill Paxton, who were in

the capsule with me, know the foulest jokes imaginable.

And we were trying to, like,

out-foul and out-gross each other, you know?

That's how we spent most of our trip to the moon.

Saying, "All right, a guy is hunting and a bear comes into his tent."

And they just go from there

and you know you're going to be in big, big trouble.

In your first big movie, Splash, that must have been

a really horrible job, all the underwater scenes?

Well, that was kind of...

Everybody said, "How did you shoot those underwater scenes?"

Well we jumped in the water and held our breath and we shot it.

It's amazing how they did that, no special effects.

We had to learn how to scuba dive and, because I'm in clothes,

there was always an air tank somewhere off there.

Because we're in about 30 feet of water.

But they had this underwater phone booth that was weighted down

with a dome on the bottom of the ocean in the Bahamas.

And the dome was filled with water.

So if Ron Howard, the director,

had to give us instructions, he swam over and I would get towed

by a safety diver, because I couldn't swim

because I had iron weights in my pants to keep me down.

So he would tow me over there and stick my head up

in this dome of water, which is about that big.

And I'd wait, and then Ron's head would come up

with a regulator in his mouth.

"All right! That's good, that's good!

"If you could just have more wonder! I need to have the eyes open

"a little bit more, don't look like you're out of breath, all right?"

And that's literally...! APPLAUSE

And then I would get towed back to wherever we were shooting,

and I would try to remember what he said.

But essentially, that is an exercise in not dying.

-When we did not get killed, that's what they put in.

-It went well.

It went good enough, yes.

Nicole, if you had to pick a Tom Hanks film, what would you pick?

I'm not going to lie.

-I'm kind of in love with Big.

-All right.

-I always wanted to do the...

-Careful.

-Oh, sorry. I'm sorry!

-Whoa.

-I'm sorry.

-Whoa!

-I have shorts on underneath.

-I'm a lady.

-Camera five went red real quick there.

-That's what I was trying to do, guys.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

Don't do that. One of my favourite films was Philadelphia.

Luckily, I'm sober now.

I met Denzel Washington when I was drunk,

and I started to cry telling him how much I liked it.

And he just looked really embarrassed.

As was I.

Anyway, what's interesting now is that you've written and directed

this new movie, Larry Crowne, which I've seen.

It's a really lovely film. It's funny, it's sweet.

And it's got you and Julia Roberts.

-Yeah, not bad.

-Not bad at all.

Here's our tag line.

Larry Crowne loses his job and goes back to college.

Julia Roberts is one of his professors, and guess what happens?

Can you figure it out, maybe just a little bit?

And you wrote it and directed it.

Yeah, yeah.

That was an interesting phone call.

"Hey, Julia, listen... believe it or not,

"this is a business call."

We've got a clip of you and Julia in action.

It's Larry Crowne!

Right, hi.

-I have you teaching me in just a couple of minutes.

-Yes, you do.

-I saw you singing.

-I'm just drowning out the GPS.

-'Please enter...'

-See? It never stops.

No wonder, that's a Map Genie.

Back when I sold those, I would have steered you towards a Vortex,

because the Map Genie, it's very complicated.

Well, no wonder. The auto on feature is engaged.

So, menu, select, features,

auto voice select, change, yes.

On, off. On, off.

Change, yes, save and back,

back, back and exit.

How long was that broken?

Since my husband installed it himself.

-It's all fixed now.

-Thank you.

What are you going to make us do today in class?

You'll just have to find out.

-Follow me.

-Interesting.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I predict every man in the UK

will want to start wearing one of those helmets.

Because if you can land Julia Roberts

wearing a helmet as stupid as that, you must be one charming...

-S.O.B.

-I was going to say that.

Even in the poster, you're not wearing that helmet.

No, no, no. We ran into problems

"Hey, where's the safety helmet on the scooter?"

I said "Come on, I'm trying to be like Steve McQueen."

In the last film you directed,

That Thing You Do, it was a cast of mostly unknown actors.

Yeah, about a band in 1964.

This time, Julia Roberts.

Can you direct someone like her, or is it collaborative?

It's very collaborative,

because Julia's incredibly smart and forceful.

You know?

When we started talking about it, she said "OK, I read it.

"Here's some things". And she talked

and I said "I agree, let's go to it".

You don't want to waste anybody's time, but specifically,

you don't want to waste Julia's.

Not someone who's going to suffer fools, nor should she.

So we were on our toes the days that she worked.

And I specifically wanted to make sure

everything we did together would be fun.

And it was better than it would have been

if she'd just done it as originally written.

You know what always happens when guys write screenplays?

The women in their lives all say

things like, "When are you coming home?

"Don't worry, honey, you can do it if you try hard enough.

"I'm worried about Bobby." That's all they get to say.

So I wanted to make sure we had a forceful woman

who was really going through something.

-It's out on July 1st.

-Right around the corner, almost.

And in theatres everywhere.

Talking of working with people you admire, Simon Pegg, in Paul,

-you got Sigourney Weaver on board.

-Yeah.

And you were a genuine Sigourney Weaver fan.

I was, yeah. I used to do a bit of stand-up,

and I had a routine about Sigourney.

It's very odd to be...

as much as it is to be sitting next to you now!

-She's...

-She's awesome.

I mean, she's...still an incredible beauty.

Nick Frost and I were just like,

when she came on set, it was like the Queen coming on set.

-How did you get her?

-We just sent her the script, and she liked it.

She was our dream casting.

We went, "Why not? Let's send it to her and see what she says."

And two weeks later, "Yeah, she's going to do it."

So she came on set and Nick and I were like, "Hi, how are you?"

And she was sat on her own on set in the evening, and Nick and I

went over and went, "Do you want to come over and hang out with us?"

-She was so lovely.

-Haven't you written a poem about her?

I did write a poem about her. In my stand-up, I wrote a poem about her.

What rhymes with Sigourney?

-Horny, of course.

-Oh! Oh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's not a massive link.

"I know what you make me think of... My penis."

Talking about Paul, we must mention it further,

because it is now available in Blu ray, DVD and digital copy.

Ya! There it is.

It's in shops on 13th June.

It comes out on 13th June. Seems so quick. It came out in February.

It's so quick nowadays, the turnaround to DVD is so fast.

It used to be five years or something, now it's three months.

It's getting shorter and shorter.

Growing up in Ireland,

it'd be so long before it even got to the cinema.

People were dead, and we were going to see their films.

You thought the soundtrack to every movie was this... WHIRRING SOUND

You, Nick Frost and an alien, on a road trip across America.

-Have I left anything out?

-No. That's what it is, with Seth Rogen as the alien.

It's a really funny movie. It's a very funny movie.

Here's a clip to remind ourselves.

What's the matter, Clive?

There is an alien in the kitchenette,

making bagels and coffee.

-Did you want tea?

-No, I don't want tea.

Right, because tea is weird in America. They leave the bag in.

What's weird, Graham, is the fact that we have picked up

an extra-terrestrial hitch hiker,

and you seem completely fine with it.

# Bagels and coffee. # Ooh, Marmite.

Well, he said his life's in danger.

He needs our help, you know? I mean,

sometimes you've just got to roll the dice.

What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?

Apparently, they don't do that.

Anyone want one of these? Huh, anyone?

That was a green screen.

But you really did do a road trip, you and Nick.

Yeah, we did. We drove from LA

down to Vegas, then across through Nevada, Utah, Wyoming.

Realised just how huge that place is.

It's just such a massive country.

You don't know until you get out just how vast it is.

We nearly died a couple of times. We met some hicks.

A lot of it went into the script.

There's a couple of guys we meet in the film, played by Dave Koechner

and Jesse Plemons in the Little A'Le'Inn,

which is the diner on the edge of Area 51.

And Nick and I arrived there,

and it's full of UFO paraphernalia. We were like "This is great!"

We were the only guys there, and we were putting on alien masks

and talking about spaceships and stuff.

And then these two guys came in

in hunting suits with rifles on their backs, and we went... Prrp!

And everything went really quiet, and we just left really frightened.

We thought, "What if they catch up with us? It'll be like Deliverance.

"They'll do things to us".

You've got to get to America a little more often.

First time since Deliverance. I know.

Nicole, you grew up in the middle of nowhere, didn't you?

I was born in Hawaii, and then I grew up in Louisville, Kentucky.

Is that the middle of nowhere? It sounds like it.

Mm-hmm, Mid West.

Were your parents insane?

That they would leave Hawaii

for Louisville, Kentucky and not vice versa? I'm making a joke.

I don't want to offend your parents.

I love it. No, I love it in both places,

because they're still homey and grounded.

I'm close to my family.

Did you have jobs and things growing up? You seem too pretty to be there.

You're kind of like, "No, she's not one of us. We're sending her to LA."

It was awkward in Kentucky.

I didn't have many people that looked like me. I did have one...

-Or indeed anywhere.

-I had one fun job.

I worked at the Kentucky Kingdom amusement park.

I was part of the entertainment department,

and when you're in the entertainment department,

everyone has to take turns playing King Louis,

Kentucky Kingdom's mascot, which is a big, ginormous king lion.

So I played King Louis.

-So they put you in a full lion suit?

-Yeah.

I've still got a picture of it.

It's funny, because you took turns and some guys were six foot three and I was really short,

so my King Louis had a lot of cankles, like ankle...

We had to do a full-on performance.

So you'd have to be King Louis, this huge lion with this crown, and you'd have to perform.

And it was really hot, and you're inside...

-It must have stank!

-It was disgusting, really rank, I'm not going to lie.

There was a thing that came out at that time called Febreze, you know?

-Febreze is amazing.

-No, it does NOT work!

It's disgusting.

How long would you have to be in the suit at a time?

-A couple of hours at a time.

-Would the suit dry out before you had to get back in it?

It wouldn't. That's why you keep squirting the Febreze on there.

-What was the name of this, King Louis?

-King Louis the Lion at Kentucky Kingdom.

They're probably still using the same suit.

They probably are.

It probably just walks around on its own now,

infused with the DNA...

The bacteria's taken over.

Got a life of its own.

Science-fiction. You've been in fantasy and obviously you were in Apollo 13,

but you've never been in a kind of science-fiction film, per se.

Not per se, no. Not something with ray guns or...

I mean, my entire family went and worshipped at the feet of Star Trek.

All I could see was, "Those guys are having so much fun.

"Look at those phasers, man.

"Oh, he gets to sit in that chair? He gets to run the Enterprise? Oh, man!

"How come I can't do that?"

-LAUGHTER I never get to. What a...

-We're doing more, you know.

Well, I'm going to... When the Romulans make friends,

when they have, you know... let me play a peaceful Romulan. I think that'd be fun.

-Because you are a genuine, big science-fiction fan, aren't you, Simon?

-Yeah.

When you got the call from Star Trek, you were genuinely excited.

We've got a picture that you took of yourself...

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no!

-..trying the costume on.

-You can see the phone hands there, like that...

-Totally!

-..taking my own picture.

-Do you like Star Trek?

-Yeah.

-Do you?

-Mm-hmm.

-You don't have to say that.

I like the ears dudes and stuff, yeah.

Yeah, "ear dude" suggests not a huge fan.

-LAUGHTER

-Even I can stretch to "Spock"!

-LAUGHTER

-"I love the ear dude."

You were doing so well!

The "ear dude" and the rocket ship and the Martians, you really dig that stuff(!)

-But you love Star Trek.

-I grew up watching it.

It was on every night at 6 o'clock. We'd have competitions.

I'd be on the phone with my buddy at his house, and we'd both have it on Channel 2 at 6 o'clock.

We had a competition to see who could scream out the episode the soonest.

Listen, we alerted each of you to the fact that you are both Star Trek fans.

I believe you've both prepared some Trekkie trivia questions.

Nicole, if you want to pop the kettle on, I'll be tidying my desk.

-Simon, have you got your questions?

-I have.

-Tom?

Oh. I'm sorry,

-I left them in my dressing room.

-Very good, Oscar-winning.

If only there were some way to TRANSPORT YOU there quickly.

Wait a minute. The guy who plays Scotty might know how to get my body broken down into molecules,

transport me to the dressing room and back, and I could get the questions that way, perhaps.

I do have some experience of matter transfer. In fact...

I've taken the liberty of bringing with me my own personal transporter.

-Oh, my...

-Wow.

-That's amazing.

-So let's just...energise.

WHIRRING

Oh!

-Oh!

-Where's he gone?!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nicole Scherzinger, excellent work.

Where...?

OK. Nicole,

gather yourself and prepare to be amazed once more as we bring Tom back.

You're very good.

Just going to lock on to the co-ordinates and...energise.

WHIRRING

APPLAUSE

Got him.

Got him!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

That was amazing.

It sort of diminishes the film, doesn't it?

You English talk shows are way advanced from American talk shows.

They can't even do that on Leno.

All right, so you've got the questions. Tom, you start.

-One to him...

-And one back.

-All right.

-You're going to kick my butt.

-I don't think I am.

-Nicole, if they don't know the answers, I'll throw to you.

-LAUGHTER

Don't ask me anything.

Question number one.

What did Captain Kirk call Mr Spock in the spores infection episode

that forced him to blow his top

and put his fist through the Enterprise console

as he was trying to beat his captain to a pulp?

Oh...was it something like you...

-It's something half-breed, right?

-GRAHAM GASPS

So close. So close.

-So close.

-Worthless half-breed?

That was the first part.

LAUGHTER

-Then he called him "Jo Jo the dog-faced boy".

-No!

"I'll be in a cage right next to... Jo Jo, the dog-faced boy."

Raaargh!

He left this perfect little indentation of his fist.

They do that in the film when they get Spock so riled up. When he gets like...

Right, Nicole?

-Absolutely.

-You knew that.

You knew that.

By the way, Spock was the ear guy.

Here we go, next question.

OK. Harry Mudd returned

in a sequel to his first-season episode, Mudd's Women. What was that episode called?

I Am Harry Mudd.

Thinking about it, that was season three, so he probably came back again.

I Am Mudd would have been his second appearance, so technically...

-Are we giving Tom a point?

-Yeah.

-We have a point!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-My bad.

Bravo, great question.

I should have gone on the Internet and picked them up.

-What are you doing afterwards?

-LAUGHTER

For the rest of their lives.

Nicole, would you go get us a couple of gin and tonics?

Oh, dear. Weirdly, given how interested we've seen you are,

Nicole is now in a huge science-fiction film.

You are. Men In Black 3.

-Men In Black 3?

-Yes.

-Fabulous!

-I know!

-Are you a monster? Are you an agent? What are you?

-She plays a lion.

-LAUGHTER

That'd be so cruel!

-Oh, you play the stinky lion!

-From the planet Febreze.

-It's pretty cool.

-Have you got a cool outfit that you're wearing?

It's a pretty badass outfit.

It's a lot of leather, and I do get to rock a rocket launcher.

Sorry, what are you doing afterwards?

I just lost the cool competition.

That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.

-I ride a scooter in a goofy helmet. That's as close as I can get.

-Men In Black 3 was my first movie,

so it was the first time... I don't think you all realise this.

I never realised this, but when the camera's in front of you and you're acting, you're in the moment,

-it was the first time I had to act to three pieces of tape.

-Yeah.

And I got very confused who I was talking to.

The tape is literally, they're like, "This is guard one, this is guard two, that's the villain,"

and they're all literally this far apart and you're trying to not get cross-sighted, right?

It was really confusing. And then trying to really be in the moment

-and you're like "I've got to give it my all right now. I'm living."

-We have a really hard job.

I find that not everybody can do it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know, it's not all autographs and sunglasses.

You keep it up, you'll be able to keep those tapes separate in your head.

Am I wrong? You'll figure it out.

You're a talented young lady, you're going far.

Simon, with zombie films like Shaun Of The Dead, is that in the horror genre or the science-fiction genre?

It's horror, yeah. It's very much a horror film.

In America, we were confused by this poster. You know why?

-Why?

-Americans don't know what a cricket bat is.

-Oh, yes.

-We were saying,

"Why is that guy attacking zombies with a pizza shovel?"

LAUGHTER

So many people call it a cricket paddle, which is always weird.

It was a low budget British film, and yet the excitement,

-because you did end up with your own action figure.

-Oh, yeah!

It's a really cool one too.

-Is it on now?

-That actually looks like you.

-DOLL:

-'If you get cornered, bash 'em in the head. That seems to work.'

-Is that you?

-Yes, it is. That's straight from the film.

-We were having some debate in the office, because we have a Woody doll.

-Yay!

-Ah.

-Now, is this...? You listen to this.

DOLL: 'Ha ha! Boy, am I glad to see you.'

-Is that you?

-No, it's my brother Jim.

-LAUGHTER

-Is it really?

-Yeah.

-That's so weird.

On the Internet, somebody said that and we thought it was a load of rubbish.

No, it's my brother. They have so many...

- 'There's a snake in my boots.' - There's a snake in my boots.

There are so many computer games and video things,

and Jim just works on those all year long.

They said, "You don't want to do this." I said "Get my brother Jim."

-So that's my brother Jim.

-I genuinely thought that was an urban myth.

-It's true, absolutely true.

-Animation films, I would think that sounds easy.

But then I read that it's really hard work. For you, anyway.

It's fun work, because the people are great, but it is very, very hard.

Particularly Woody, because Woody is always yelling.

He's always... He's always doing that.

The way it works, they start working on it, and it takes about four years

for them to start animating it and get to the final product.

So about every six months, you go into a recording studio and you face the booth.

The screen is behind you, cos it's on the lots, and you face the booth.

And in the booth are these heads that look like judges at the Olympics.

They're just... And it's soundproof. You can't hear them, but they can hear every word you say.

So you've got a scene where you have to say something like...

You're standing and you have to do 18 variations of something like this.

"Buzz, if we don't get back there, I'm going to go absolutely berserk!"

That's what you have to do, and you do it every kind of way you possibly can

until your diaphragm is busted, your throat is raw,

you've spit all over the copy and it's your fourth hour of doing this.

You go, "I'm going to go berserk!"

You look at the people in the booth, and they're all going...

TOM MOUTHS

And they almost press the talkback, and they go...

TOM MOUTHS, LAUGHTER

"Hey, Tom, that was great." LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We did try, by the way, Nicole...

There were some dolls of the Pussycat Dolls, and we thought we'd get them in.

-But they were withdrawn because they were unsuitable for children.

-LAUGHTER

-I don't know why.

-Why didn't they just sell them somewhere else?

-LAUGHTER

-They would have gone like hot cakes. Come on!

Now, you will shortly be performing your new single, Right There, from your first solo album.

-Yes.

-Killer Love.

-Is it lovely being solo now?

-I miss the girls, obviously, because we were this girl gang,

this force to be reckoned with when we were on stage together.

But I grew up on the stage and I love it, so I'm having a great time.

I say solo, but actually on this track... 50 Cent isn't here tonight, is he? He'd have told us.

-But he's on the track.

-No, but Tom Hanks...

-Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

And you call him 50 or Fiddy?

I call him 50, but everyone over here calls him Fiddy? With two Ds?

Yeah. Most of us who know him call him Fiddy.

Certain Americanisms sound really weird in a British accent.

-BRITISH ACCENT:

-50.

-Yeah, "50. Hello, 50".

-So they say "Fiddy".

Yeah, because you feel more American, more street.

-Wouldn't they call him 50p over here?

-50p!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yo, yo, yo.

-50p.

-"I'm 50p."

-Doesn't quite have the same gangster cool, does it?

I don't think you're going to be afraid of a rapper named 50p. LAUGHTER

Before you sing, I've got to ask you, what we want to know is, you and Lewis...

-Yes?

-Wedding bells?

Well, I'm really proud of us that we've made it for three years.

-Just last week was our anniversary.

-Well done.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Not too bad.

We live on opposite sides of the universe, so we've made it work.

There's a picture of us. A couple of weeks ago, we went to this movie awards.

He has a voiceover part in Cars 2, speaking of animation.

So he's worked for Pixar.

He knows what I'm talking about.

"Hey, Lewis, that was great."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Nicole, it's time for you to sing, so if you'd like to go over and get ready and join your band.

-OK. All righty.

-Off she...

Careful.

CHEERING

Excellent. Very good.

Very shortly we'll be hearing this week's stories in the famous red chair.

But first, singing Right There, it's Nicole Scherzinger!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Come here, baby Eh, be my baby

# Eh, be my baby Oh, oh, oh

# Come here, baby Put your hands on my body

# Hands on my body Oh, oh, oh

# Right there, keep it right there

# I love it when you put it right there, eh, eh

# Oh, oh, oh

# Yeah, yeah Oh, oh, oh

# Yeah

# Me like the way that you hold my body

# Me like the way that you touch my body

# Me like the way that you kiss my

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Me like it

# Me like the way that he put it on me

# Me like the way that he push up on me

# Me like the way that he go

# Down, down, way down, down Way down, down, down, down

# I ain't ever gonna let no girl take him from me

# Never gonna let no girl steal him from me

# Never gonna let a girl get that close now

# I tell 'em Baby, you're too close now

# Come here, baby Eh, be my baby

# Eh, be my baby Oh, oh, oh

# Come here, baby Put your hands on my body

# Hands on my body Oh, oh, oh

# Right there, keep it right there

# I love it when you put it right there, eh, eh

# Oh, oh, oh

# Yeah, yeah Oh, oh, oh

# Yeah

# Me like the way that you talk dirty

# Don't wash your mouth out I like it dirty

# I like to see that you like it

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Me like it

# Me like the way that you keep me comin'

# Feels so good he had me runnin'

# Me like the way that he go

# Down, down, way down, down Way down, down, down, down

# I ain't ever gonna let no girl take him from me

# Never gonna let no girl steal him from me

# Never gonna let a girl get that close now

# I tell 'em Baby, you're too close now

# Come here, baby Eh, be my baby

# Eh, be my baby Oh, oh, oh

# Come here, baby Put your hands on my body

# Hands on my body Oh, oh, oh

# Right there, keep it right there

# I love it when you put it right there, eh, eh

# Oh, oh, oh

# Yeah, yeah Oh, oh, oh... #

Here we go!

# ..Do he know how to work it? He got that, got that

# Put it on you, work it You got that, got that

# Do it real good for you Lay it down good for you

# Yeah, he got that, got that

# All my girls if you mad Put it down, let me hear you say

# Yeah-eah

# All my ladies if you mad Put it down, let me hear you say

# Yeah-eah

# Do we work that like you like that?

# When he throw the bone at you do you bite back?

# Say yeah-eah

-# All my girls say yeah-eah... #

-Graham Norton, baby!

# If it make you feel good

# Come here, baby Eh, be my baby

# Eh, be my baby Oh, oh, oh

# Come here, baby Put your hands on my body

# Hands on my body Oh, oh, oh

# Right there, keep it right there

# I love it when you put it right there, eh, eh

# Oh, oh, oh

# Yeah, yeah Oh, oh, oh

# Yeah. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nicole Scherzinger, everybody!

Whoo! Come on back here.

That was gorgeous!

Absolutely gorgeous.

-Come and join the boys one more time.

-Thank you!

-That was gorgeous.

NICOLE LAUGHS

-Beautiful.

-That was a dedication to you and Wilson.

Oh, man. I loved that.

That was steamy.

It's a beautiful love song, Graham.

LAUGHTER

"Don't wash your mouth out." That's a great lyric, isn't it?

"Don't wash your mouth out, I like it dirty."

LAUGHTER

Before we go tonight, just time for some more stories in the red chair.

Who's up first? Hello, nice lady.

-Hello!

-What's your name?

Teleri.

LAUGHTER

-No, no, that's a Vulcan name.

-Is it a Vulcan name?

-Really?

-It is a Vulcan name.

-I look to you.

-I say yes.

-Is it a Vulcan name?

-It's Welsh.

-APPLAUSE Oh, my lord!

-I should have trusted my first instinct.

Did you just flip that lady off that chair?

-I give up, man.

-The three of you have done very well tonight.

LAUGHTER

-OK, one more. What's your name?

-My name's Andy.

-It's Andy!

-Andy!

It's Andy! What do you do, Andy?

I'm a student nurse.

He's a student nurse! Yay!

All right, off you go with your story.

OK, so I was on a night out with some friends,

and I went to this nightclub and I was a bit tipsy,

saw a podium, thought, "I'll have a bit of that."

So I gets up on this podium and I'm dancing around,

and then I notice this wire hanging down from the ceiling.

I thought "Aye, aye, I'll incorporate this into my little dance routine."

So not realising that it was actually a live wire,

at one point the wire comes into contact with my tongue stud.

I electrocute myself... LAUGHTER

..blue sparks come out of my mouth, blow a fuse.

The whole lights go out in the club and all the music just goes mmmwow...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well done! Fantastic story.

You may walk, sir. You may walk.

Well done, everybody! If you'd like to join us on the show and have a go at the red chair, you can.

Just contact us via our website at this address.

Thank you so much to my guests tonight.

-Nicole Scherzinger!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Simon Pegg!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And Mr Tom Hanks!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I know that!

-Join me next week

with comedian Kathy Griffin, wild man Bear Grylls

and Hollywood star Cameron Diaz! See you then. Good night, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]