Episode 10 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight on the show we have one of the world's best survival experts.

This man is making him feel welcome By starting a fire. Come on, faster,

faster! You're good. Let's start CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello. Hello. Good evening. Welcome all. What a week. Have you

been watching Royal Ascot? Have you? No. Such nonsense, we don't

watch that. Lots of marvellous hats being worn. Some people really made

the effort. And some racegoers hardly made an effort at all. We've

got a stellar line-up for you tonight. Hollywood has come a-

calling, the wonderful Cameron Diaz is here. CHEERING I know! Survival

specialist Bear Grylls is here. CHEERING Yes! Top American comic

Kathy Griffin is here. CHEERING And we'll be having music from Friendly

Fires. CHEERING What a line-up. All of them outrageous. Kathy's comedy

is really out there. Nothing scares Bear, and even Cameron is fearless.

Remember her in There's Something About Mary, where she used that

"special" hair product? Although when you Google the words "Cameron"

and "special hair products" you get this. LAUGHTER Oh, Nick Clegg, you

didn't! Cameron starred as Princess Kate Moss there, just about to get

married. That will be a white wedding,

"Gather round, everyone. We are about to cut the Coke." LAUGHTER

Cameron also starred in Knight and Day, an action-packed spy film. And

here she is in a fight scene with Tom Cruise.

LAUGHTER I'm really excited about meeting

Bear Grylls. CHEERING Bear has been in so much different situations.

Here he is a pop ar bear. And here, smoky bear. Here, oh, Pooh Bear.

Let's get some guests on. First an American star who is

earning her stripes over here it's Kathy Griffin!

Hello my darling. Hello. It's Bear Grylls!

They love you. Sit yourself down. And there is something about my

star guest, it's Cameron Diaz! CHEERING

Wowzer! So nice to meet you. Sit down.

Hello everyone. Hello Graham. Somebody take our picture. I might

tape this one. Can I just say, we've had fit people on the show,

but as a general scen us I would say it's the buffest couch --

consensus, I would say it's the buffest couch I've ever had. Look

at the guns on that! Wow! It is phenomenal. And you look in great

shape. I know, show us your tits. went into Graham's dressing room

before and he was doing press-ups. Were you under him or just

watching? Just watching. Recently Cameron I saw quite a lot of your

body? Bad Teacher, your new movie. There's a fantastic montage you do.

Here you are just washing cars. Sexy naughty lady. That's got to

take a lot of work to look this good. Did you gym a lot? It is a

matter of consistency. For me that's what I found, especially

getting older it is a consistency thing. I say to women, start now.

Especially if you're young. Don't wait. Don't think that eventually

you'll get there. Start now, because you'll stay that way longer.

You can't get back to it. With that depressing news, we leave this

programme... People up and down the country with glasses of wine and

chips going, "What?" Right now? are gyming here aren't you? You

joined a London gym. I did. But I have never worked out with Prince

Harry. I don't know him... We heard you were sleeping with him. I heard

that too. I was like, how did this happen? Don't sleep with him,

unless you intend to marry him. Don't mess with his little mind.

You will never find anyone as good as you. He will be a lonely old

bachelor with ginger hair. Bear, we've seen how fit you are. Are you

fit just from hanging off cliffs and things or do you have to go to

a gym. Wow! Don't keep your shirt on for us. Everybody is saying that,

but no, I like it. I consider it part of my job and I need to keep

fit for my work. Sian my wife... I'm sorry, you said something

upsetting to me. LAUGHTER Your wife? Ouch! Sorry. That's like a

dagger in my heart but go ahead with your "little" story. That was

the main point of it really. the scrap you eat, all the weird

stuff. How many calories are in a hunter spider. Is that fattening?

always go for the low-calorie grub. You need the calories out there

don't stphru You do, the job is physically demanding, so I don't

feel bad about eating lots of spiders or scorpions. Do you ever

put them in a sandwich with extra carbs? You know what we have right

here? What? A bear sandwich. Girls, are you hungry? Hi. CHEERING

Kathy, your body is very... I have what's called a banging bikini bod.

Everyone in the modelling world is talking about it. She's fit.

I'm hungry and bitter. That's my diet tip. You are a top American

comic and you are full and frank about your own life. Yes, I've had

"dental work" which is Hollywood code for plastic surgery. I had

lipo but it came back. Am I being do candid? I diet and worked out a

little bit. Does it come back, I've heard it coming back on the back of

people's hands? It didn't come back on my boobs, which is what I wanted.

Where you've had more than one plastic surgery operation... This

is my second nose. Why would you go back? This is true, I wish I was

making it up. I was getting my first nose job and I woke up in the

middle, to this little mallet. This is true. I woke up and you have the

anaesthesiologist's hand if I wake up and I heard a chink and I went

back to sleep. You woke up as they broke your nose? Yes, and I didn't

get 10% discount. And you went back and did it again! I wanted a

smaller person. I wanted to be a different person. I want a full

head transplant. I broke my nose four times and none of those times

was I asleep when it was happening. It hurts. I wish I could have

squeezed somebody's hand. Did you do the surf board? Surf board, two

fists and a knee. Surf board fine. Two fists? Were you in fights?

the first time it happened I was 11 and at a party. My parents are good

parents, they were amazing, but I was at a party when I was 11 and

there were some bouncers, the Samoan bouncer was coming down the

hall and I turned and landed on the middle of him. He picked me up and

threw me over his shoulder. The man behind was going, "Whoo" because he

was Samoan. He put me over and the guy said, "Wow! We had better take

care of that." It didn't go all the way back. But it is pretty good now.

I could not breathe. After the surf board, after the second fist and

the knee, I still could breathe, but after the surf board it was

like I couldn't breathe any more. I didn't want to ever fix the shape

of my nose. In fact it bothers me that I had to change it a little

because I could breathe. But being able to breathe is amazing. Isn't

breathing sco underrated. Like you are a survival expert. It is lesson

one of survival - keep breathing. Cameron Diaz, me must talk about

your new movie. OK. It sounds right up your Strasse because it has

adult themes. Themes with adult situations. It is really funny.

you like it? I really liked it, and I love you in it, because you are

fearless in it. It's a brilliant character. Thank you. Give us a one

line synopsis of plot. It is about a woman who is really focused on,

she wants to find a man too to take care of her, because that's the

line of business she's in. As a business investment she's looking

to buy herself a pair of breasts from the dentist. But she can't

afford it because she is broke and she's a teacher. So she is looking

for a man. And of course there is not as many millionaires as there

used to be with the economy crashing and everything. So it is

harder, a lot of, what's the word I'm looking for, there's a lot of

competition out there. And Justin Timberlake's character says one

line, "It's impossible." It is a long line. I haven't taken a breath

yet. No punctuation. Justin's character happens to be a trust

fund baby, and I go after him. good and actor as you are, it has

to be a bit awkward. No, there's a scene in the film where Justin and

I do what we refer to as a Jean jarges dry humping or safe sex,

which is what we are going with on our campaign with this movie.

one of the weirdest... Hump your way through school and you'll be

fine. Keep the jeans on. It is one of the weirdest scenes. We made a

conscious effort, it was our goal to make the least sexiest sex scene

that's ever been caught on film. I respect believe we succeeded.

We showed perfectly as comedic actors the lack of chemistry

between these two people. I don't think we could have achieved it if

it was some guy I didn't know and I didn't know what the boundaries

were, and I was thinking, "Could he like me, or do I like him?" It is

so clearly defined between Justin and I because we are such good

friends. You've been through all that. We've been broken up almost

as long as we were together, almost ten years. Staying friends with

exes, it can work out. But stay friends with exes Kathy? No, I hate

them. Every last one of them. I hate them and I blame them. I am a

pretty little princess, right? We have a clip of you. There she is.

Elizabeth. Woo! I am so excited we are going to be across the hall

mates but I am so sad it is because your relationship ended? Who are

you again? Amy Squirrel. Squirrel? You were a lone wolf last year and

busy planning the wedding. I found him in bed with somebody else.

my gosh. It was another man. Shut the front door! She is British. She

does a great American accent. amazing. She is very funny. Shunt

the front door! Shut the front door is going to be one of those lines.

I have never heard of it. It is southern. It is right up there with

what the helicopter. Or I beg your parsnips. What a sweet sofa! The

school you are in, you are like the Bad Teacher, you are kiss r kick

ass but everyone else is adorable and sweet. Kind of. Amy, she is a

bit of a fake and phoney. Yes, her storyline. You, You think growing

up in California it must be great, your school was rough.. Yes I grew

up in pretty much ghetto. It is the blonde hair blue eyes that tricks

you. Then you hear me talk and you go "What's wrong with this person."

You got into fights. You had to be being a skinny white girl. You have

to be able to defend yourself. Do you have a hood name? I did. I

was packin'. Do you want to show them what you're packing today.

I tucked it. You mean this? I thought you meant something else.

Tucked it? What are you trying to tell us? I will say anything for a

laugh. You want some? She says she is packing. We meant lipgloss.

Talking about going to school, because your parents weren't very

strict and your granny, your granny was like a Bear Grylls. She would

have put you to shame! Tell me about your granny. She lived off

the land. Literally she raised everything she ate. And made her

clothes and everything and during the summer she would go to Arizona

where she lived in the valley in California, it is about 100 degrees

in the summer but it was too cold for her, so she had to go to

Arizona where it is 120 degrees. She would walk round with her skirt

on, and a pair of sandals. Topless. This is a woman who has six

children, OK. They were like, they were... The Bad Teacher would not

have worn them. They were below the waistband. Where the Lord intended.

Where you can flip them over the should foretr baby on the back.

That is what they do in Africa. That is why boobys are supposed to

sag, you can put it over the shoulder so the babies on the back

can suckle and you don't have to stop working. Little lesson, right.

You didn't know that. If your granny did that... I don't know if

she did it. She could have. would go hunting in the desert with

a machetey and come back with a rattle snake. My uncles said one of

the visuals of his mother is sandal, skirt, topless, beheaded snake and

a machetey, and a smile. You would have loved her Bear. Have you had

snake? I have. It tastes like chicken. I doesn't. They say

everything tastes like chicken, but I doesn't. I had chicken that

tasted like cat one time. I am sure it was cat. If it tastes like cat,

smells like cat... I took the leg and I said "That's not a chicken

leg." This chicken had a paw. Your mom sounds formidable, is she

still going strong. She turned 91 last week. She celebrated by

tipping a box of wine. She doesn't believe in drinking out of a glass.

She is fine with box, so if she gets hammers and it falls off no-

one gets hurt. Yeah. I'm from a long line of happy and bitter

alcoholics. Tip that box. Tip it. In the middle here, you have these

ladies, Bear, very posh. You went to Eton. My 34-year-old mother...

She used to pull like things out the bin. I remember once seeing her

opening the fringe fridge and seeing green pork chops where they

had gone green. My dad picked them up, tip them in the bin. My mum

went past going there is nothing wrong with that. My sister said

that is where I developed a cast Iran stomach so thanks mum. Eton,

it seems unlikely you would have gone to Eton and now doing what you

do. Yes it was quite scary at as a 13-year-old going there. You are

away from home and stuff. But the nearest girls school was about 30

miles away and it was a convent, and so you had to work hard, you

know if you wanted to get a girl. And I did get a girlfriend

eventually. I remember borrowing a bike with one gear and it was 30

miles of uphill, and I took the afternoon and got to the school,

and I was with this girl and she took me by the hand, led me through

the woods. And I thought, this is Christmas, you know, this didn't

happen very often. We got to this bush, and...

LAUGHTER Keep going Bear. Keep going.

way, it is about, she leaned over, we were about to kiss, she stopped

and she said there is one of the nuns. I went "Don't worry about

that." I turned round and there was a nun, with this Alsatian snarling.

And this girl looked at me with fear in her eyes and she went

"Run." Like Forrest Gump I took her advice. You had to work hard to get

a girlfriend. That is a good nun though isn't it. A dirty nun with

an angry dog making him run from a bush. Now, Kathy Griffin, you are

over here, doing a show, two shows. Yes two on Sunday at the Palace,

one is appropriately -- inappropriately at 4.30. Which is

early to tell Dick jokes. So I will be making fun of many celebrities,

I might make fun of Sarah Palin a little bit. A tiny bit. She is a a

moron. Really. You can say that here? Just kidding everybody, relax.

house, I put my money where my mouth s I will make fun of then and

go to their house, I went to her house, knocked on her door and you

could not see Russia from her house. I can fer fi -- verify that.

were going to do a show with her. Do you have stick figures and flash

cards? Something could go wrong... She didn't make it. Oh wow, that

ease amazing. Such a good idea. I'd totally do one. Absolutely. That

would be so amazing. We have done one, we did Jake Gyllenhaal. We had

some crazy weather. The worst storms for ten year, we had a jumbo

jet blowing sideways while I was up a mountain. Both of us being blown

like tumbleweed. It is bad if you fall off a mountain but they would

shout at you if he did. You take someone famous and the insurance

guy is going "Can you promise us he will be safe." Of course you can't..

So you had to sign his lives away? I thought nobody has asked me that.

Maybe that is a... Not that I mind. His family can live off the box set

proceeds. Can you guarantee yourself you won't be hurt?

There you go. I'll keep you safe. Creepy now! Now. And Nancy. Nancy?

That's his wife's name. I slept with him two hours ago. You thought

you had been in dangerous positions before! Welcome to the jungle baby.

Bear is so in now. He is so in the act. Thank you for the extra

material. Now in terms of Sunday, when you are on stage. I am

concerned, how familiar are you with our celebrities? I am doing my

homework and I am getting the newspaper, such as Hello and Heat.

But I have something to learn. you bought those you will know

these. You can join in. Who is this? That is a footballer. Yes.

it Ryan. Yes. Ryan Wilkies. I don't know anybody. Ryan gigs. Who was he

sleeping with? Well.... Who isn't he, should I say. How long is your

matinee? As long as you want. I bet you, you have to talk about

this, this is the, the image. all about Pippa. If I was Kate and

my sister showed up in that dress I would cut her. Go back. Go change.

Go back and put on the high collar period piece we talked about

earlier. She stole the show. did. When she was on the cover of

People., we knew. So in America... She has caught on more than Kate.

Guys lover her and have naughty thoughts. That name is ridiculous.

I mean, how much money does she have she is bored with her name and

decided to call herself Pippa. It is like an Eton name. It is like a

society name. Like Muffy or Tipi. I have money and a hot body, screw

you. It is not all classy people. Good. Do you recognise these

people? Is that girls allowed? -- Girls Aloud Girls Aloud. You

know? I am bad on girl bands. not even a girl band. Geordie

Shores. You are so close. It is the only way is Essex. Will do my

Fantastic, gold mine of ridiculousness. That is me genre.

Six years camera's everything. Is it over. I am sitting here with

this dude and Cameron Diaz. It was too big. This is the best I can do.

You owe him one. I am going to get him back, trust me. In terms of

giving a camera crew full access, in your final season, you went

about as far as it is possible to go. I got the first public pap

smear and I was have a jazzled. I am have a jazzled right now. Is it

uncomfortable. Yes, I got waxed and they put jewels on my jewels.

need another sip! I want to empty that glass. Did you get pierced?

I am going to leaf little Kathy alone. Or as you call it little

Nancy. The glue on. It is like a sticker. From a stick refer the

doctor's office after you get a shot. Exactly. I get it. It is the

icing on the cake. Exactly. I have done an enema on TV before. See.

That was in the wild. I wasn't have a jazzled. Why would you need to

have an enema? I was trying to show a British family who got hit by a

whale, they were in a liferaft and they were dying of dehydration. The

mum was a nurse and the only way she could rehydrate them was to get

all of the water, the rain water they had been living off in the

bottom of the raft and rehydrate them up their backside so the body

could absorb them. I thought I would demo it. That might have been

the one I watched. Sh That was the low point of my life. I would

prefer to die. I'm Graham Norton kill me now. No, I will die. It's

It is fine. The series is over. ass has cancelled myself. I have a

great cameraman... LAUGHTER Whenever we do stuff normally at

the end of it he goes, "Bear, that's great." But on this one I

thought, sometimes you have to think back and think of England,

and he goes, "Whoo." Maybe I won't come with you. I'm unemployable.

Your book, which we must mention, Bear Grylls, Mud, Sweat and Tears.

It has information about a serious injury which spurred you on. I was

in the military and I was in the SAS. I had a free-fall parachute

accident. The canopy ripped and I was spiralling down. I broke my

back in three places and spent the next year strapped up in military

rehabilitation back in the UK. People often say you must have been

positive to go from that to the top of the world and the Everest climb

but it wasn't like that. It was a dark, rocky road where you are

trying to get back on your feet. But I was given a second chance and

you have just got to go for it. talk about everyday items that can

save a life, like shoelaces and paperclips, but apparently you can

show us how a sock can save a life. A lot of the reasons you get sick

in the wirld is you drink bad water. Clear water isn't necessarily clean

water. With a sock you can filter water, or use underpants or a sock.

It is not going to taste or smell nice but it is a way to get rid of

the back tearia. You have some of the stuff to put in your sock.

pot? Have you brought a large knife on set? Any more dick jokes... So...

I. Haven't got a sock. I would have changed my socks. We've got sand.

Sand's good. You stuff that in it first. That's going to get rid of

little bad articles. Charcoal is great for getting rid of back

tearia, the really little nasties. And a load of grasses. What do they

do? That they take away the bigger nasties. This is a delicacy in many

cultures. If I put some charcoal in my wine. I'm choking.

Heimlich. Seriously, are you choking? I just breathed water.

He saved her life. CHEERING Are you alright? I'm ready to help. If that

gets water out of the lungs, fantastic. You were seriously in

distress there. No, I was acting. Give her an Oscar. You pour it in.

This is like decanting. Be bold. Lots of it. Pour it in.

Actually, that is better than when it went in. Shall I drink it to

make sure it's OK? CHEERING Any good? Cameron Diaz and my socks.

just drink it through a sock. Literally, this is true, I have

literally just wrapped season six, from Utah and California yesterday,

and these haven't been changed. Those are the same socks! No, man.

Wine and cheese. CHEERING In for a penny. In for a pound.

Delish. I would like some fromage with that. I like that he puts it

back on. APPLAUSE Am I an animal or something!

Well, Bear, I would ask you to start a fire at this point, but

there is no need, because standing over there is our music act tonight.

From the follow-up to their hugely successful debut album, singing

# Taking a ride to another climb. # Knees in my back 'cause we're

flying high. # Did I give it all?

# I guess I gave it all. # Seeing the mountains through the

fog. # Watching a film with a talking

dog. # Cause if we fall.

# I beg you not to fall. # Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air.

# Seeing the world down beneath the clouds.

# Hawaiian notes, don't need no pounds.

# Did I give them all? # I guess I gave them all?

# Ache in my leg from a broken seat. # Hawaiian air. Hawaiian air.

Touching down, hit the ground # I'm giving you everything

# I'm gonna take this all in # Gonna take this all in.

# As we land you pinch my hand. # We're still here.

# Gonna take this all in. # Up in the sky, Honolulu bound.

# Steel guitar and a melly sound. # Did I give it all?

# I guess I gave it all. # Feeling the shakes keeps me

reticent. # Stuck in my seat from the

turbulence. # And if we fall, well then I fall.

# Breaking open skies and green earths.

# Around them we float. # Deserts in our eyes, we're

falling. # Our hearts are not broke.

# Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air. # Touching down, hit the ground.

# I'm breathing new air. # Gonna take this all in.

# As we land, you pinch my hand. # I'm still here.

# Gonna take this all in. # As the wheels hit the ground.

# I'm breathing. # Gonna take this all in.

# As the heat fills my lungs. # I'm breathing.

# Gonna take this all in. # Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air.

# Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Friendly Fires! Come and join us. Beautiful job. Well done. Have a

seat. Well done, Sir, have a seat. Come and join us. There they are,

Friendly Fires. Hi everyone. Hi. Look, everyone. It's like the olden

days. An album! An LP. How retro and cool. Vinyl. If only I had a

record player. It does also come in a CD format. This is beautiful. Are

you just fans of vinyl? Average fans of parrots and vinyl. Bear's

probably eat than at some point. Where has the head gone! It sounds

great and you are off to Glastonbury next weekend? Yes.

the weather should hold! LAUGHTER Good luck with that.

We are nearly out of time but before we go we do have stories in

the red chair. Who is up for it? Hello. How's it going, Graham, how

are you doing? I'm Andy and I'm from Cork. My mother's from Cork.

played someone from Cork. What's your name, I've forgotten. Andy.

Andy from Cork. Did you still live there? I do. I'm an jer with the

City Council. -- an engineer with the City Council. They do

marvellous work. The southern ring road is marvellous. The airport

roundabout. It's Leith. Andy, off you go. When I was young I loved

watching rodias on TV and we didn't have any horses to practise on so I

used the sheep on the farm. My granny wasn't best pleased with

this and one day, I had a favourite sheep called Shali and I was going

at it and granny was standing by the septic tank, which was 6 foot

deep. She was telling me off. The sheep hit her and both of them

landed six feet in the scrap. was horrible. You can't put an old

lady in shit! She was asking for it. My favourite sheep, Sally. You have

to have a favourite in county Cork. I liked watching rodeos so I got on

a sheep? Practise with a sheep. we have somebody else in the chair?

Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm very well, thank you for asking. What's

your name? It is Victor. Where are you from? I'm originally from

Ecuador but I live in London. did you do? I work in admin in a

financial adviser's company. Hmm. Off you go. Well, I was about nine

years old. He was about nine. living in Ecuador. He a girlfriend

in school. Sorry? He a girlfriend in school. We had been going out

nor a few months. No sciss, just holding hands, all -- no kisses,

all very innocent. You were nine! One day our friends tricked us and

they told us that we are going to have a game, boys against the girls.

Was there a nun with an Alsatian? They all made a circumstance until

the middle of the playground and they pushed my grill friend and me

into the middle of the circle and started clapping and saying, "Kiss,

kiss." Are you going to start crying? It sounds traumatic. So you

are in a circle and they are going, "Kiss, kiss." She was getting close

to me. I couldn't handle the situation and I wet myself.

LAUGHTER Don't do it. Cameron Diaz says you can walk. Walk, Sir. Off

you go. You've already suffered enough.

Enough humiliation. We shouldn't rub his nose in it. But that would

teach him not to do it again. Well done everyone. If you would like to

join us on the red chair, apply on our website. Ladies and gentlemen,

you join me in thanking my guests tonight, Friendly Fires, Kathy