Episode 10 The Graham Norton Show

Episode 10

Graham is joined by Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz, starring in new movie Bad Teacher; and top American comedienne Kathy Griffin.

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Tonight on the show we have one of the world's best survival experts.


This man is making him feel welcome By starting a fire. Come on, faster,


faster! You're good. Let's start CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


Hello. Hello. Hello. Good evening. Welcome all. What a week. Have you


been watching Royal Ascot? Have you? No. Such nonsense, we don't


watch that. Lots of marvellous hats being worn. Some people really made


the effort. And some racegoers hardly made an effort at all. We've


got a stellar line-up for you tonight. Hollywood has come a-


calling, the wonderful Cameron Diaz is here. CHEERING I know! Survival


specialist Bear Grylls is here. CHEERING Yes! Top American comic


Kathy Griffin is here. CHEERING And we'll be having music from Friendly


Fires. CHEERING What a line-up. All of them outrageous. Kathy's comedy


is really out there. Nothing scares Bear, and even Cameron is fearless.


Remember her in There's Something About Mary, where she used that


"special" hair product? Although when you Google the words "Cameron"


and "special hair products" you get this. LAUGHTER Oh, Nick Clegg, you


didn't! Cameron starred as Princess Kate Moss there, just about to get


married. That will be a white wedding,


"Gather round, everyone. We are about to cut the Coke." LAUGHTER


Cameron also starred in Knight and Day, an action-packed spy film. And


here she is in a fight scene with Tom Cruise.


LAUGHTER I'm really excited about meeting


Bear Grylls. CHEERING Bear has been in so much different situations.


Here he is a pop ar bear. And here, smoky bear. Here, oh, Pooh Bear.


Let's get some guests on. First an American star who is


earning her stripes over here it's Kathy Griffin!


Hello my darling. Hello. It's Bear Grylls!


They love you. Sit yourself down. And there is something about my


star guest, it's Cameron Diaz! CHEERING


Wowzer! So nice to meet you. Sit down.


Hello everyone. Hello Graham. Somebody take our picture. I might


tape this one. Can I just say, we've had fit people on the show,


but as a general scen us I would say it's the buffest couch --


consensus, I would say it's the buffest couch I've ever had. Look


at the guns on that! Wow! It is phenomenal. And you look in great


shape. I know, show us your tits. went into Graham's dressing room


before and he was doing press-ups. Were you under him or just


watching? Just watching. Recently Cameron I saw quite a lot of your


body? Bad Teacher, your new movie. There's a fantastic montage you do.


Here you are just washing cars. Sexy naughty lady. That's got to


take a lot of work to look this good. Did you gym a lot? It is a


matter of consistency. For me that's what I found, especially


getting older it is a consistency thing. I say to women, start now.


Especially if you're young. Don't wait. Don't think that eventually


you'll get there. Start now, because you'll stay that way longer.


You can't get back to it. With that depressing news, we leave this


programme... People up and down the country with glasses of wine and


chips going, "What?" Right now? are gyming here aren't you? You


joined a London gym. I did. But I have never worked out with Prince


Harry. I don't know him... We heard you were sleeping with him. I heard


that too. I was like, how did this happen? Don't sleep with him,


unless you intend to marry him. Don't mess with his little mind.


You will never find anyone as good as you. He will be a lonely old


bachelor with ginger hair. Bear, we've seen how fit you are. Are you


fit just from hanging off cliffs and things or do you have to go to


a gym. Wow! Don't keep your shirt on for us. Everybody is saying that,


but no, I like it. I consider it part of my job and I need to keep


fit for my work. Sian my wife... I'm sorry, you said something


upsetting to me. LAUGHTER Your wife? Ouch! Sorry. That's like a


dagger in my heart but go ahead with your "little" story. That was


the main point of it really. the scrap you eat, all the weird


stuff. How many calories are in a hunter spider. Is that fattening?


always go for the low-calorie grub. You need the calories out there


don't stphru You do, the job is physically demanding, so I don't


feel bad about eating lots of spiders or scorpions. Do you ever


put them in a sandwich with extra carbs? You know what we have right


here? What? A bear sandwich. Girls, are you hungry? Hi. CHEERING


Kathy, your body is very... I have what's called a banging bikini bod.


Everyone in the modelling world is talking about it. She's fit.


I'm hungry and bitter. That's my diet tip. You are a top American


comic and you are full and frank about your own life. Yes, I've had


"dental work" which is Hollywood code for plastic surgery. I had


lipo but it came back. Am I being do candid? I diet and worked out a


little bit. Does it come back, I've heard it coming back on the back of


people's hands? It didn't come back on my boobs, which is what I wanted.


Where you've had more than one plastic surgery operation... This


is my second nose. Why would you go back? This is true, I wish I was


making it up. I was getting my first nose job and I woke up in the


middle, to this little mallet. This is true. I woke up and you have the


anaesthesiologist's hand if I wake up and I heard a chink and I went


back to sleep. You woke up as they broke your nose? Yes, and I didn't


get 10% discount. And you went back and did it again! I wanted a


smaller person. I wanted to be a different person. I want a full


head transplant. I broke my nose four times and none of those times


was I asleep when it was happening. It hurts. I wish I could have


squeezed somebody's hand. Did you do the surf board? Surf board, two


fists and a knee. Surf board fine. Two fists? Were you in fights?


the first time it happened I was 11 and at a party. My parents are good


parents, they were amazing, but I was at a party when I was 11 and


there were some bouncers, the Samoan bouncer was coming down the


hall and I turned and landed on the middle of him. He picked me up and


threw me over his shoulder. The man behind was going, "Whoo" because he


was Samoan. He put me over and the guy said, "Wow! We had better take


care of that." It didn't go all the way back. But it is pretty good now.


I could not breathe. After the surf board, after the second fist and


the knee, I still could breathe, but after the surf board it was


like I couldn't breathe any more. I didn't want to ever fix the shape


of my nose. In fact it bothers me that I had to change it a little


because I could breathe. But being able to breathe is amazing. Isn't


breathing sco underrated. Like you are a survival expert. It is lesson


one of survival - keep breathing. Cameron Diaz, me must talk about


your new movie. OK. It sounds right up your Strasse because it has


adult themes. Themes with adult situations. It is really funny.


you like it? I really liked it, and I love you in it, because you are


fearless in it. It's a brilliant character. Thank you. Give us a one


line synopsis of plot. It is about a woman who is really focused on,


she wants to find a man too to take care of her, because that's the


line of business she's in. As a business investment she's looking


to buy herself a pair of breasts from the dentist. But she can't


afford it because she is broke and she's a teacher. So she is looking


for a man. And of course there is not as many millionaires as there


used to be with the economy crashing and everything. So it is


harder, a lot of, what's the word I'm looking for, there's a lot of


competition out there. And Justin Timberlake's character says one


line, "It's impossible." It is a long line. I haven't taken a breath


yet. No punctuation. Justin's character happens to be a trust


fund baby, and I go after him. good and actor as you are, it has


to be a bit awkward. No, there's a scene in the film where Justin and


I do what we refer to as a Jean jarges dry humping or safe sex,


which is what we are going with on our campaign with this movie.


one of the weirdest... Hump your way through school and you'll be


fine. Keep the jeans on. It is one of the weirdest scenes. We made a


conscious effort, it was our goal to make the least sexiest sex scene


that's ever been caught on film. I respect believe we succeeded.


We showed perfectly as comedic actors the lack of chemistry


between these two people. I don't think we could have achieved it if


it was some guy I didn't know and I didn't know what the boundaries


were, and I was thinking, "Could he like me, or do I like him?" It is


so clearly defined between Justin and I because we are such good


friends. You've been through all that. We've been broken up almost


as long as we were together, almost ten years. Staying friends with


exes, it can work out. But stay friends with exes Kathy? No, I hate


them. Every last one of them. I hate them and I blame them. I am a


pretty little princess, right? We have a clip of you. There she is.


Elizabeth. Woo! I am so excited we are going to be across the hall


mates but I am so sad it is because your relationship ended? Who are


you again? Amy Squirrel. Squirrel? You were a lone wolf last year and


busy planning the wedding. I found him in bed with somebody else.


my gosh. It was another man. Shut the front door! She is British. She


does a great American accent. amazing. She is very funny. Shunt


the front door! Shut the front door is going to be one of those lines.


I have never heard of it. It is southern. It is right up there with


what the helicopter. Or I beg your parsnips. What a sweet sofa! The


school you are in, you are like the Bad Teacher, you are kiss r kick


ass but everyone else is adorable and sweet. Kind of. Amy, she is a


bit of a fake and phoney. Yes, her storyline. You, You think growing


up in California it must be great, your school was rough.. Yes I grew


up in pretty much ghetto. It is the blonde hair blue eyes that tricks


you. Then you hear me talk and you go "What's wrong with this person."


You got into fights. You had to be being a skinny white girl. You have


to be able to defend yourself. Do you have a hood name? I did. I


was packin'. Do you want to show them what you're packing today.


I tucked it. You mean this? I thought you meant something else.


Tucked it? What are you trying to tell us? I will say anything for a


laugh. You want some? She says she is packing. We meant lipgloss.


Talking about going to school, because your parents weren't very


strict and your granny, your granny was like a Bear Grylls. She would


have put you to shame! Tell me about your granny. She lived off


the land. Literally she raised everything she ate. And made her


clothes and everything and during the summer she would go to Arizona


where she lived in the valley in California, it is about 100 degrees


in the summer but it was too cold for her, so she had to go to


Arizona where it is 120 degrees. She would walk round with her skirt


on, and a pair of sandals. Topless. This is a woman who has six


children, OK. They were like, they were... The Bad Teacher would not


have worn them. They were below the waistband. Where the Lord intended.


Where you can flip them over the should foretr baby on the back.


That is what they do in Africa. That is why boobys are supposed to


sag, you can put it over the shoulder so the babies on the back


can suckle and you don't have to stop working. Little lesson, right.


You didn't know that. If your granny did that... I don't know if


she did it. She could have. would go hunting in the desert with


a machetey and come back with a rattle snake. My uncles said one of


the visuals of his mother is sandal, skirt, topless, beheaded snake and


a machetey, and a smile. You would have loved her Bear. Have you had


snake? I have. It tastes like chicken. I doesn't. They say


everything tastes like chicken, but I doesn't. I had chicken that


tasted like cat one time. I am sure it was cat. If it tastes like cat,


smells like cat... I took the leg and I said "That's not a chicken


leg." This chicken had a paw. Your mom sounds formidable, is she


still going strong. She turned 91 last week. She celebrated by


tipping a box of wine. She doesn't believe in drinking out of a glass.


She is fine with box, so if she gets hammers and it falls off no-


one gets hurt. Yeah. I'm from a long line of happy and bitter


alcoholics. Tip that box. Tip it. In the middle here, you have these


ladies, Bear, very posh. You went to Eton. My 34-year-old mother...


She used to pull like things out the bin. I remember once seeing her


opening the fringe fridge and seeing green pork chops where they


had gone green. My dad picked them up, tip them in the bin. My mum


went past going there is nothing wrong with that. My sister said


that is where I developed a cast Iran stomach so thanks mum. Eton,


it seems unlikely you would have gone to Eton and now doing what you


do. Yes it was quite scary at as a 13-year-old going there. You are


away from home and stuff. But the nearest girls school was about 30


miles away and it was a convent, and so you had to work hard, you


know if you wanted to get a girl. And I did get a girlfriend


eventually. I remember borrowing a bike with one gear and it was 30


miles of uphill, and I took the afternoon and got to the school,


and I was with this girl and she took me by the hand, led me through


the woods. And I thought, this is Christmas, you know, this didn't


happen very often. We got to this bush, and...


LAUGHTER Keep going Bear. Keep going.


way, it is about, she leaned over, we were about to kiss, she stopped


and she said there is one of the nuns. I went "Don't worry about


that." I turned round and there was a nun, with this Alsatian snarling.


And this girl looked at me with fear in her eyes and she went


"Run." Like Forrest Gump I took her advice. You had to work hard to get


a girlfriend. That is a good nun though isn't it. A dirty nun with


an angry dog making him run from a bush. Now, Kathy Griffin, you are


over here, doing a show, two shows. Yes two on Sunday at the Palace,


one is appropriately -- inappropriately at 4.30. Which is


early to tell Dick jokes. So I will be making fun of many celebrities,


I might make fun of Sarah Palin a little bit. A tiny bit. She is a a


moron. Really. You can say that here? Just kidding everybody, relax.


house, I put my money where my mouth s I will make fun of then and


go to their house, I went to her house, knocked on her door and you


could not see Russia from her house. I can fer fi -- verify that.


were going to do a show with her. Do you have stick figures and flash


cards? Something could go wrong... She didn't make it. Oh wow, that


ease amazing. Such a good idea. I'd totally do one. Absolutely. That


would be so amazing. We have done one, we did Jake Gyllenhaal. We had


some crazy weather. The worst storms for ten year, we had a jumbo


jet blowing sideways while I was up a mountain. Both of us being blown


like tumbleweed. It is bad if you fall off a mountain but they would


shout at you if he did. You take someone famous and the insurance


guy is going "Can you promise us he will be safe." Of course you can't..


So you had to sign his lives away? I thought nobody has asked me that.


Maybe that is a... Not that I mind. His family can live off the box set


proceeds. Can you guarantee yourself you won't be hurt?


There you go. I'll keep you safe. Creepy now! Now. And Nancy. Nancy?


That's his wife's name. I slept with him two hours ago. You thought


you had been in dangerous positions before! Welcome to the jungle baby.


Bear is so in now. He is so in the act. Thank you for the extra


material. Now in terms of Sunday, when you are on stage. I am


concerned, how familiar are you with our celebrities? I am doing my


homework and I am getting the newspaper, such as Hello and Heat.


But I have something to learn. you bought those you will know


these. You can join in. Who is this? That is a footballer. Yes.


it Ryan. Yes. Ryan Wilkies. I don't know anybody. Ryan gigs. Who was he


sleeping with? Well.... Who isn't he, should I say. How long is your


matinee? As long as you want. I bet you, you have to talk about


this, this is the, the image. all about Pippa. If I was Kate and


my sister showed up in that dress I would cut her. Go back. Go change.


Go back and put on the high collar period piece we talked about


earlier. She stole the show. did. When she was on the cover of


People., we knew. So in America... She has caught on more than Kate.


Guys lover her and have naughty thoughts. That name is ridiculous.


I mean, how much money does she have she is bored with her name and


decided to call herself Pippa. It is like an Eton name. It is like a


society name. Like Muffy or Tipi. I have money and a hot body, screw


you. It is not all classy people. Good. Do you recognise these


people? Is that girls allowed? -- Girls Aloud Girls Aloud. You


know? I am bad on girl bands. not even a girl band. Geordie


Shores. You are so close. It is the only way is Essex. Will do my


Fantastic, gold mine of ridiculousness. That is me genre.


Six years camera's everything. Is it over. I am sitting here with


this dude and Cameron Diaz. It was too big. This is the best I can do.


You owe him one. I am going to get him back, trust me. In terms of


giving a camera crew full access, in your final season, you went


about as far as it is possible to go. I got the first public pap


smear and I was have a jazzled. I am have a jazzled right now. Is it


uncomfortable. Yes, I got waxed and they put jewels on my jewels.


need another sip! I want to empty that glass. Did you get pierced?


I am going to leaf little Kathy alone. Or as you call it little


Nancy. The glue on. It is like a sticker. From a stick refer the


doctor's office after you get a shot. Exactly. I get it. It is the


icing on the cake. Exactly. I have done an enema on TV before. See.


That was in the wild. I wasn't have a jazzled. Why would you need to


have an enema? I was trying to show a British family who got hit by a


whale, they were in a liferaft and they were dying of dehydration. The


mum was a nurse and the only way she could rehydrate them was to get


all of the water, the rain water they had been living off in the


bottom of the raft and rehydrate them up their backside so the body


could absorb them. I thought I would demo it. That might have been


the one I watched. Sh That was the low point of my life. I would


prefer to die. I'm Graham Norton kill me now. No, I will die. It's


It is fine. The series is over. ass has cancelled myself. I have a


great cameraman... LAUGHTER Whenever we do stuff normally at


the end of it he goes, "Bear, that's great." But on this one I


thought, sometimes you have to think back and think of England,


and he goes, "Whoo." Maybe I won't come with you. I'm unemployable.


Your book, which we must mention, Bear Grylls, Mud, Sweat and Tears.


It has information about a serious injury which spurred you on. I was


in the military and I was in the SAS. I had a free-fall parachute


accident. The canopy ripped and I was spiralling down. I broke my


back in three places and spent the next year strapped up in military


rehabilitation back in the UK. People often say you must have been


positive to go from that to the top of the world and the Everest climb


but it wasn't like that. It was a dark, rocky road where you are


trying to get back on your feet. But I was given a second chance and


you have just got to go for it. talk about everyday items that can


save a life, like shoelaces and paperclips, but apparently you can


show us how a sock can save a life. A lot of the reasons you get sick


in the wirld is you drink bad water. Clear water isn't necessarily clean


water. With a sock you can filter water, or use underpants or a sock.


It is not going to taste or smell nice but it is a way to get rid of


the back tearia. You have some of the stuff to put in your sock.


pot? Have you brought a large knife on set? Any more dick jokes... So...


I. Haven't got a sock. I would have changed my socks. We've got sand.


Sand's good. You stuff that in it first. That's going to get rid of


little bad articles. Charcoal is great for getting rid of back


tearia, the really little nasties. And a load of grasses. What do they


do? That they take away the bigger nasties. This is a delicacy in many


cultures. If I put some charcoal in my wine. I'm choking.


Heimlich. Seriously, are you choking? I just breathed water.


He saved her life. CHEERING Are you alright? I'm ready to help. If that


gets water out of the lungs, fantastic. You were seriously in


distress there. No, I was acting. Give her an Oscar. You pour it in.


This is like decanting. Be bold. Lots of it. Pour it in.


Actually, that is better than when it went in. Shall I drink it to


make sure it's OK? CHEERING Any good? Cameron Diaz and my socks.


just drink it through a sock. Literally, this is true, I have


literally just wrapped season six, from Utah and California yesterday,


and these haven't been changed. Those are the same socks! No, man.


Wine and cheese. CHEERING In for a penny. In for a pound.


Delish. I would like some fromage with that. I like that he puts it


back on. APPLAUSE Am I an animal or something!


Well, Bear, I would ask you to start a fire at this point, but


there is no need, because standing over there is our music act tonight.


From the follow-up to their hugely successful debut album, singing


# Taking a ride to another climb. # Knees in my back 'cause we're


flying high. # Did I give it all?


# I guess I gave it all. # Seeing the mountains through the


fog. # Watching a film with a talking


dog. # Cause if we fall.


# I beg you not to fall. # Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air.


# Seeing the world down beneath the clouds.


# Hawaiian notes, don't need no pounds.


# Did I give them all? # I guess I gave them all?


# Ache in my leg from a broken seat. # Hawaiian air. Hawaiian air.


Touching down, hit the ground # I'm giving you everything


# I'm gonna take this all in # Gonna take this all in.


# As we land you pinch my hand. # We're still here.


# Gonna take this all in. # Up in the sky, Honolulu bound.


# Steel guitar and a melly sound. # Did I give it all?


# I guess I gave it all. # Feeling the shakes keeps me


reticent. # Stuck in my seat from the


turbulence. # And if we fall, well then I fall.


# Breaking open skies and green earths.


# Around them we float. # Deserts in our eyes, we're


falling. # Our hearts are not broke.


# Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air. # Touching down, hit the ground.


# I'm breathing new air. # Gonna take this all in.


# As we land, you pinch my hand. # I'm still here.


# Gonna take this all in. # As the wheels hit the ground.


# I'm breathing. # Gonna take this all in.


# As the heat fills my lungs. # I'm breathing.


# Gonna take this all in. # Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air.


# Hawaiian air, Hawaiian air CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


Friendly Fires! Come and join us. Beautiful job. Well done. Have a


seat. Well done, Sir, have a seat. Come and join us. There they are,


Friendly Fires. Hi everyone. Hi. Look, everyone. It's like the olden


days. An album! An LP. How retro and cool. Vinyl. If only I had a


record player. It does also come in a CD format. This is beautiful. Are


you just fans of vinyl? Average fans of parrots and vinyl. Bear's


probably eat than at some point. Where has the head gone! It sounds


great and you are off to Glastonbury next weekend? Yes.


the weather should hold! LAUGHTER Good luck with that.


We are nearly out of time but before we go we do have stories in


the red chair. Who is up for it? Hello. How's it going, Graham, how


are you doing? I'm Andy and I'm from Cork. My mother's from Cork.


played someone from Cork. What's your name, I've forgotten. Andy.


Andy from Cork. Did you still live there? I do. I'm an jer with the


City Council. -- an engineer with the City Council. They do


marvellous work. The southern ring road is marvellous. The airport


roundabout. It's Leith. Andy, off you go. When I was young I loved


watching rodias on TV and we didn't have any horses to practise on so I


used the sheep on the farm. My granny wasn't best pleased with


this and one day, I had a favourite sheep called Shali and I was going


at it and granny was standing by the septic tank, which was 6 foot


deep. She was telling me off. The sheep hit her and both of them


landed six feet in the scrap. was horrible. You can't put an old


lady in shit! She was asking for it. My favourite sheep, Sally. You have


to have a favourite in county Cork. I liked watching rodeos so I got on


a sheep? Practise with a sheep. we have somebody else in the chair?


Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm very well, thank you for asking. What's


your name? It is Victor. Where are you from? I'm originally from


Ecuador but I live in London. did you do? I work in admin in a


financial adviser's company. Hmm. Off you go. Well, I was about nine


years old. He was about nine. living in Ecuador. He a girlfriend


in school. Sorry? He a girlfriend in school. We had been going out


nor a few months. No sciss, just holding hands, all -- no kisses,


all very innocent. You were nine! One day our friends tricked us and


they told us that we are going to have a game, boys against the girls.


Was there a nun with an Alsatian? They all made a circumstance until


the middle of the playground and they pushed my grill friend and me


into the middle of the circle and started clapping and saying, "Kiss,


kiss." Are you going to start crying? It sounds traumatic. So you


are in a circle and they are going, "Kiss, kiss." She was getting close


to me. I couldn't handle the situation and I wet myself.


LAUGHTER Don't do it. Cameron Diaz says you can walk. Walk, Sir. Off


you go. You've already suffered enough.


Enough humiliation. We shouldn't rub his nose in it. But that would


teach him not to do it again. Well done everyone. If you would like to


join us on the red chair, apply on our website. Ladies and gentlemen,


you join me in thanking my guests tonight, Friendly Fires, Kathy


Unique talk show with award-winning host, Graham Norton. Expect the unexpected as top celebrity guests join in the fun with Graham and his irrepressible audience.

Graham is joined by Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz, starring in new movie Bad Teacher; and top American comedienne Kathy Griffin.

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