Episode 11 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight: We have one of the stars of EastEnders. Really? Which one?

don't know! AUDIENCE MEMBER PLAYS A DRUM Let's start the show! How good

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Thank you very much. Thank

you. Well done, Simon, very good. Hello, everybody and welcome!

CHEERING Oh. So everyone enjoying Wimbledon?

AUDIENCE: Yes! All right. This could be our year, couldn't it? It

could be our year. Come on, Andy! Or if you are watching the Monday

repeat, bad luck, Andy. LAUGHTER Lots of celebritys in the crowd

this week including the Duchess of Cornwall. Yes, she was there. The

ball disappeared, I don't know where it went! LAUGHTER What is she

doing? That's a real picture. What is she doing? A gorgeous sofa for

you this week, the beautiful Kim Cattrall is here. Yes. The

beautiful Jessie Wallace is here. APPLAUSE And Lee Mack is here.

APPLAUSE And we will also be having music from The Saturdays.

CHEERING Hello! I think welcome back to Jessie Wallace. Jessie

plays Kat Moon in EastEnders. I love Kat Moon's fake tan. They have

a special make-up artist who puts it on, they do. LAUGHTER It's weird.

If you Google "Kat" and "Moon" you get this. APPLAUSE Kim Cattrall is

here. Really excited. We all loved her in Sex and the City.

CHEERING Four sophisticated metropolitan women. We have a

similar show here. LAUGHTER More Against The Wall Behind ASDA!

APPLAUSE Kim's fabulous in Sex and the City. How many men did she get

through? Kim's in a new film where she plays an ex-porn star who

becomes a stripper. In America, that's very sexy. In Britain, not

so much! Let's get some guests on, ladies and gentlemen. Later, we

will have music from The Saturdays. CHEERING First, just what you need

for Wimbledon week, a mac, it's Lee Mack.

CHEERING Look at you all smart. I'm over the moon she's here, it is

Jessie Wallace. CHEERING Hi. Look at you! There she

is. Take a seat. And she's the sexiest woman in any city, it is

Kim Cattrall! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sit yourself down. Oh. What a sexy

couch. You are patronising me by saying that but thank you. Jessie,

are you going to be able to get through a whole show without crying

or punching someone? I'll try. Seriously. Men and women. Do you

watch EastEnders? No, I don't. it true you said somewhere that you

would like to be in Coronation Street? Being born in Liverpool I

felt that was an easy extension, wouldn't you think? Lee, you are

from up north. Is it the law... What was that? Up north! Up north?

Why don't I put on my wellies and do some Riverdance?! Being back in

EastEnders - there is a sweet story about the first time when the

Slaters - you got a tour? They showed us around the lot, around

the Square and they showed us the Tube station and I remember

standing there thinking, "Oh my God, a train that comes into work."

LAUGHTER I didn't tell anyone for years and one day I told Shane

while we were working and he burst out laughing, about to go for a

take and he grabbed the boom and pulled it down and he told

everybody. What line did you think it was on? I don't know. A train

station to work... And it was so quiet! LAUGHTER Now, Kim, you

haven't been in EastEnders, but you have been in a long-running

television institution. I saw you at Wimbledon on the telly. Very

exciting. It is my second year. The first year I saw the men's finals

and I met Colin Firth. Ooh! A good day. Yesterday, you looked on the

dge of your seat watching that match. -- the edge of your seat

watching that match. You are going to do this! I had an itch and I was

scratching it. I love how bored everybody looks. Everybody is

looking in different directions. I like that little lady there. She

looks like she is having a nice time. Did you meet everybody?

really, no. It is about the match. In-and-out. Yes. Lee, tennis fan,

no? Why would you assume no? don't know. The subtext of, not you,

you scumbag. I find it a bit... Boring? Arousing. British men never

cease to amaze me. You won't be amazed. I'm not amazed. Jessie, do

you like tennis? No. I think it is raemly boring. I like the sound of

it -- really boring. I like the sound of it in the background but I

don't like watching it. You know it is going well and some applause,

that was good! LAUGHTER Grand formal occasions Jessie doesn't

have a lot of luck. She was nominated for a BAFTA.

Congratulations. Thank you. still... I lost my ticket! Jessie

is, like, one of the leads in the biggest soap opera in the country

showinging up at the television awards ceremony and -- showing up

at the television awards ceremony and... They wouldn't let you in?

They wouldn't. We had to walk two streets... But I'm a nominee!

nominee! LAUGHTER That's terrible. Then you lost? I did, thanks for

reminding me. APPLAUSE I know what it is like, I have been nominated

for five Emmys, oh friggin'hell! didn't say that. Did you put on a

good face? I did. Let's see it. Someone made me laugh so that was a

good thing. As soon as the camera went I was like... Who beat you?

Another actress. I can't remember her name! Misfits! She's great! She

is really great. Her acting is BAFTA-winning! Now, welcome back,

Kim Cattrall. You spend loads of time here now? I do. I like being

here very much. We like you being here. You forged this, you made

really smart choices. Thank you. is a hard thing to walk away from

something like that. It is. People think you are that character. It

follows you. Jessie Wallace, a big fan? I am a huge fan. Thank you.

You watch it with your daughter... No, I don't watch it... In the

background with the tennis. I'm a huge fan. I have it on quite a lot.

I don't want her to watch the rude bits. When they come on and if she

is in the room, I have to jump in front of the telly going la-la, you

know, doing the... Not me, Samantha. People always say, we have seen you

nude, no, no, you have seen Samantha nude. I'm like this nude.

But she is like this. It is a great thing you are in a huge big hit,

which is a fabulous thing. There must be a moment when you like to

turn that off? A little bit. I feel sorry for Lee, people come up to us

thinking they know us... together, they don't come up to us

and go, "I never knew you..." I'm Arthur, he's Martha! APPLAUSE I

love the way Lee thought that through(!) It worked out. I'm a

very giving person. That's beautiful. What is nice is, if

people come and talk to us, they do sort of know us. Yes. They don't

know you. No. Which must be doubly difficult? It can be very

challenging in some ways, yes. they call you by your fictional

name? They call me Sam. A lot of people say, "Kat, where's Alfie?"

And I turn round and go, "I have no idea. I'm a nominee!" You could get

a BAFTA because of this, you know. Are people lovely to you, Jessie?

People are really lovely. A little while ago I was at a funfair and I

got surrounded by these girls that looked like they were out of My Big

Fat Gypsy Wedding. I hear you. I know what you are saying. This girl

went, "Where's your make-up, you look better with your make-up on?"

APPLAUSE Ouch! I want to go home. Why would you say that to somebody?

I know. I was scared. Listen, I must talk about your movie. Meeting

Monica Velour. It's such a lovely movie. It is out to buy from 4th

July. First of all, it is at the Edinburgh Film Festival. It's been

really getting a lot of good buzz and they have added screenings, so

you can come to see it if you are going up north! It is bittersweet.

It is a love story between a 17- year-old boy and a 50-something

year-old woman. There is a lot to learn in those years. She was a

film star, a big porn star in the late '70s and it is 30 years later

and he goes across the country to meet her. She's stripping in this

club and they form this relationship which changes their

lives. It is very funny and sweet and endearing. It was quite a

stretch for me because I had to gain 20 pounds, literally a stretch,

to play this character. Ooh! It was fantastic! I have been on a diet

since 1974! This was time for me to eat! Boy, do you like to eat?

yes, can't you tell?! Chips and crisps and puddings and oh it was

amazing. It is a real transformation, the voice, the look,

everything. Here is a clip. I don't think you should do it. I couldn't

help you. Look, I don't need another guide trying to run my life.

You are not my boyfriend. You are some kid I took home because I felt

sorry for and you are 17. All you know about is like book reports and

dances at the gym and some stupid movies I did 30 years ago. That is

fantasy. This is reality. That is something you don't know nothing

about. Me and every other woman in the world, we have minds of our own.

APPLAUSE Is it true you didn't watch it, you never watch rushes?

No, it was fantastic because I have known so much for looking one way,

you know, that Barbie doll perfection that Sex and the City

promotes and a lot of television shows and movies do. It was

fantastic for me to get to play a person. Was it hard for you to sit

and watch it? Impossible, when I first saw it it was like... My

eldest sister saw it recently and I said, "What do you think?" She said,

"I don't know." I said, "Tell me, this means a lot to me." She said,

"I have never saw you, for a moment I never saw my sister, or any of

the characters you play." That is what you want. Definitely. It is a

great opportunity and I'm so glad I did it. Terrifying but good to do.

Also, I love in the movie where they did the re-creations of...

the porn films from t' 70s. It made me nos -- From the '70s. It made me

nostalgic. The storylines? characters. Ugly people with

speaking parts! With hair on their chest. They can't have hair on

their chest any more. Also, when you watch them back... Did you

watch a lot of porn? What storyline... I'm partial to a bit

of porn, I love it! APPLAUSE I'm a nominee, you know! I'm a nominee! I

love porn! Some jobs just always come up, don't they, in porn?

a nurse and a doctor. Nurses were one of the few professions you get.

Normally, it is pizza, or pool guy... I'm a big fan of DIY. When

the plumber comes in, I'm always interested in his toolbox and it is

when he starts getting undressed that I turn it off. I'm more

interested in the taps. Can you fix my taps? Please fix the taps, it

would be great. They have sex and they ruin it! You are such a

fascinating man! Thank you. Chemistry on this couch! It is all

- you never get someone going ding dong, "I manage a hedge fund!"

Maybe that is a good thing. probably is. Then they would stay

together. Yes. I wonder if the people in our audience who have

sexy jobs. So let's have a little look. This man looks like he could

be in a porn film. What is your name? Senil. Change that for porn!

What do you do? I'm a spiritualist. I think most men have lost an

erection by now. Ding dong, I'm Senil the spiritualist. I don't

think that - no, that is a different film. What is your name?

Mick. Mick, we have Mick. Good porn name. What do you do? Market

research. You have to go door-to- door. Yes! Yes! What sort of market

research do you do? I select the areas that people go to knock on

doors. OK. So you are Mick and you are in market research. That's

right. Do you want to have a go at being in a porn film with your job?

Come with me. Come on. Go through this door. OK? APPLAUSE Mick, so

just go through the door, ring the bell, come through the door and

tell us what you do, OK? All right. Hang on. Wait there. We will -ly go

for a porn effect and some music. MUSIC I wish someone was interested

in my opinions about what products to buy. DOORBELL Come in! Hi, I'm

Mick and I'm a market researcher. That was really bad! You have to

have a little line. Have I? have to have a little kind of, you

know, can I something your area? Can I investigate your needs or

something? Give us a sexy line. Go out again. So Mick, a market

researcher, can I... Da-da. Filter and music again. MUSIC I buy a lot

of washing powder, no-one seems to care what. DOORBELL Come in.

I'm Mick and I'm a market researcher. Could I service your

boiler?! That was good. Well done, Mick. Very good. APPLAUSE Have a

seat. Shall we do one more? What is your name? Cornae! Are you an

actual porn star? No. What do you do? I work in IT. He works inIT.

What sort of things do you do? Hardware, software. Perfect!

Perfect. OK. So you must be able to think of a sexy line about what you

do? Come on, have a go. You look excited. OK. There you go. There

you go. You all right? Yes? OK. OK. So you know what to do, you ring

the door bell, you come in, you say your name, what you do, then a sexy

tag line. OK. So filter, bit of music. MUSIC My download speeds are

so slow. LAUGHTER DOORBELL oh, come in. Come in! I'm Cornae and I work

in IT, do you have a problem with your hard drive? Very good.

APPLAUSE Sit yourself down. It is I thought Cornae's performance was

pitch perfect. BAFTA-award winner. You need to look at your security

at home if you are answering your door and they say, "Hello, I'm

doing market research, can I come in to service your boiler?"

friendly. I want to see three forms of ID. Yes. Or Yah! You do watch it,

don't you? Jessie Wallace, great to have you back on our screens in

EastEnders. You came back in such a whirlwind of controversy. What you

do? It wasn't me. There was a baby swap storyline, somebody lost a

baby and they stole your baby. Not your actual baby. Her

character's baby. These are the kind of sitcoms we have over here.

Very deep. Terrible things happen in EastEnders all the time. Why did

this storyline... It had more complaints than anything else?

There were about 12,000. Out of 12 million viewers, it is not that bad.

Still, you had domestic violence, you have had murders, all sorts of

troubles? People weren't expecting it. People found it very disturbing

so they complained. Yes. Listen, you left five years ago. When you

left, did you think to yourself, "I am never going back"? No, I wanted

to do other stuff, which I did. I did a bit of theatre. I have done a

few TV dramas. When they said... BAFTA-nominated! LAUGHTER You were.

I thought, yeah... Didn't win! Working with Shane... The BAFTA

didn't go to her. Will you SHUT UP?!

CHEERING That was BAFTA-award- winning. I hope she gets through

the show without punching someone! I provoked her. Jessie, you stuck

with EastEnders, you have. Some jobs you really have... How long

did you work in Beneton for? Half an hour. Why didn't you stay?

folding up jumpers and people were getting them out and chucking them

so I thought sod this! How long did you work in a kilt factory for?

God, not that long. That was packing skirts in boxes. A lot of

packing! A kilt factory? Are they made on a production line? How many

people are buying kilts that you need to make them on a production

line? This was a long time ago. 1642?! LAUGHTER You walked out of

there as well? I did. I was chatting to this girl, I said, "How

long have you been here?" 12 years. I thought, I'm going! There is no

future here. I will be in EastEnders! It is - it must be

fantastic when you get that call that you are going to be in

EastEnders? Definitely. I walked out of drama school. I did a tiny

part in The Bill. I got the phone call to say I was going to be in

EastEnders. It was great. Also to have it take off like that?

Definitely. It is such a great character to play. I love her. I

love her, I do. You get odd fan letters? I have got, someone sent

me a packet of pork scratchings the other day with a letter saying they

would like me to eat the pork scratchings whilst reading a book

whilst listening to a record of my choice. He knows which one it is.

How does he know that? I don't know. I ate the pork scratchings.

you? No. I would. A pork scratching crumb. They were delicious.

comes in dressed as a pig with an axe. You have eaten part of me!

LAUGHTER You get the fans with the autographs? The only ones I have

had, the usual weird things of signing bits of my body. I was

mortified that I did this, somebody said, "Can you sign my breasts?" I

told them... You can't tell people that! Why? I just got that! It was

a woman who said it? You never know, it was up north! LAUGHTER Manboobs.

Moobs! I got my pen out, this is genuine - she gave me the pen to

sign the boobs... It was a she dwarf. She gives me the pen to sign

the boobs and she does that with the shirt, with the blouse, she has

a bra on, she is keeping some dignity. I go to sign the boob,

right? And it's not working, the pen, I can't get the pen to work.

Without thinking, I went to the other boob and I went... LAUGHTER

I'm sorry. Listen, before we do another thing, I have to check that

our music act tonight is ready. So I think I can go to the dressing

room. There they are, The Saturdays. Hello. You look very ready. We are!

We are ready. You look lovely. Is there anything to amuse you in the

dressing room at all? Not really. Just ourselves! Is there Wi-Fi at

all in the dressing room? We tried to get on the Wi-Fi but it is not

working. Oh no. Did you have computers with you? We do. We can't

get online. It would be good if somebody could help them. DOORBELL

Hello? Come in. Hi. Hi, girls. I work in IT. Do you have a problem

with your hard drive? We do. We do. Oh no!

CHEERING We will leave it there. Thank you very much, Cornae. That

was too good! That was too good! Unsolicited. We didn't drag The

Saturdays in to molest them, they will be performing in a minute. Lee

Mack, congratulations, Mr Saturday Night. Thank you. Doesn't mean I'm

sleeping with The Saturdays! It is a different meaning. Lee Mack's All

Star Cast, Saturday nights 9.40pm on BBC One. The second one tomorrow.

It did really well? Yeah. We got some friends. It is a hard thing to

get right so congratulations. you. It is Saturday night TV.

People are obsessed with it. Everyone's going, Saturday night,

you OK? You are Saturday night. I don't see the difference between

that and Thursday at 3.00 in the morning. The sitcom is coming back

as well. Yes, next year, series five. That is a hard thing to get

right, a sitcom? It is. We were cancelled and then brought back. We

thought it had gone and then we brought it back. On the same

network? On the same network, BBC One, we call it BBC One. They

changed their minds about it? I held them hostage. LAUGHTER

sent them some pork scratchings. I always do that to people I like!

APPLAUSE It is a nice thing to do. I know your favourite record! It

goes something like this # Dum-dum... #

This is a weird story. You are accident-prone. Yes. You have been

hurt a lot is this I have. I have been hit by a car twice. That was

different incidents. He didn't reverse! LAUGHTER I missed him! The

worst one was, I have had a split, what's this one called? I have no

idea. What do you call it? Cleavage. You saying I've got manboobs.

Myster numb. What happened? I was 21 and on my birthday I was doing

my travelling DJing and I was playing the records and the music

was blasting and someone said, quut it's the DJ's 21st birthday today."

All these drunken idiots gave me the bumps, instead of throwing me

in the air they didn't let go, so they had hold of my arms and legs

and went and the music was playing and every time I got to the top it

was cies fiing me. I was trying to get them to stop and going...

# I should be so lucky... # Stop! Stop! That's hideous. That

explains so much about you. LAUGHTER Remember you rolled over

in bed last night and you said ow! It's the pork scratchings! They

work a treat. In fact, he is happily married, a father of two.

How old are your babies now, children? Four and six. Four and

six. We have a picture of - who is this? That's me, you know me!

You in the glasses. I turned up on the set of EastEnders there and saw

this baby... APPLAUSE No-one here so I might as well have him! I saw

this actress crying in the street. We have been getting on fine ever

since! Who is that? That's Arlo. I don't know why my wife dresses him

as a Bulgarian midget! It's the rave! He likes it. I don't know if

you have come across this website. It's called Manbabies.com. People

put in photographs of dads and the babies, right, and it sounds stupid,

it is! They swap the heads and they keep them in proportion. Have you

seen this? I have. This is a classic. There you go. Brilliant. I

could watch this all day. Sometimes it is not that obvious that heads

have been swapped. Give you that one. That is wrong. LAUGHTER This

one is just, this one is so creepy. What is going on there? Oh! Isn't

that terrible? That is terrible. This could be a science-fiction

film. It really could. Look at this family. That baby is plotting.

LAUGHTER That is disturbing. Finally, Lee, we sent you to be

done and very sweet it is, here is Lee. LAUGHTER Marvellous. You have

to get a copy. That was great. Music time now. Now, Kim, what is

your favourite day of the week? Friday. Try again. LAUGHTER What is

your favourite day of the week? Thursday? I know what you mean -

pancake Tuesday! One more day, Kim? Can't be Monday? No! Tuesday?

Not many left. Wednesday. Sunday? Saturday? Yes! Well, you are in

luck. Singing their new single # I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss

# I'm a gangster on the dance floor # Floor, floor (floor, floor)

# I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss # I'm a gangster on the dance floor

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Don't hold back

# It's nice to see somebody make an effort

# You know I like it in the streetlights

# Like I like the spotlight # Do you like me

# I la-la-love this track # So if you wanna come with me you

should know # I'm like, I'm like, I'm like this

beat, yes # Crazy and infectious

# I'll make you my business # But boy my resume says I'm a bad

girl # Oh oh oh

# Ohhhh # Closer baby look in my eyes

# Do you recognise me? # Oh oh oh

# Ohhhh # I been a bad girl

# I'm a bad girl, I'm notorious # I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss

# I'm a gangster on the dance floor # (No, no, notorious)

# I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss # I'm a gangster on the dance floor

# Boy beware # I got a record and I'm known for

my style # And everybody knows my name here

# I'm the head of game here # Pleasure and the pain yeah

# Because my resume says I'm a bad girl

# Oh oh oh # Ohhhh

# Closer baby look in my eyes # Do you recognise me?

# Oh oh oh # Ohhhh

# I been a bad girl, I'm a bad girl # I'm notorious

# (Notorious, notorious) # (No, no, notorious)

# I'm notorious # I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss

# I'm a gangster on the dance floor # Floor the dance floor,

# Oh Oh Oh # So baby tell me can you

# Get it from my energy # Oh Oh

# Oh # Oh I been a bad girl, I'm a bad

girl # I'm notorious

# I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss # I'm a gangster on the dance floor

# Dance floor # I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss

# I'm a gangster on the dance floor # The dance floor

# I'm an outlaw # (Oh, oh, oh, Ohhhh)

# I'm the big boss, I'm a gangster on the dance floor

# Closer baby look in my eyes # Do you recognise me

# (Oh oh oh Ohhhh) # I'm an outlaw; I'm the big boss

# I'm a gangster on the dance floor # I've been a bad girl, I'm a bad

girl CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Saturdays, ladies and gentlemen. Come and join me, ladies. Come on.

Here you go. Well done. Pile on. I don't know if you have got a seat.

Pile in. Hi. Sit yourself down. You are in economy, I apologise. That

is the new single. I think I have it - look at that. There it is.

Notorious. Unbelievably, that is off the forthcoming third album.

know. How have you done three albums already? This is our fourth

album. Is it? Yes. Stop! You will be exhausted. They have done

another one on the way from there. You are doing the V Festival?

are doing V, T in the Park, Oxygen and then we have our own tour in

December. You will have to come down. Only one person is going!

LAUGHTER She is very excited about it. Yes! It is an arena tour?

Our first arena tour. Posh! There is room for you all. And all your

friends. Listen, before we go, let's have some stories in the Red

Chair. Who is up first? You are like, yeah, let's! Hello. Hello. Hi,

love. This will be brilliant or terrible! What is your name? Jenny.

Where do you live? Kent. All right. What's wrong with that? What do you

do in Kent? I'm retired. What did you used to do? Nothing! APPLAUSE

All right. Jenny, I feel you have lived quite a life. This is your

best story, Jenny. Off you go. went into a Post Office and there's

a Post Office and they sell sweets and the lady said to me, "What do

you want?" I went back to the sweet man, I said, "That lady needs to

get a new set of teeth." He said, I'll tell my mum." Oh. CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE Her whole life... A woman with no teeth in a Post Office was

the highlight?! She said she didn't do much before. That is true. I

guess. Oh. Let's have another. Hello. Hi. This is something in

your hair? Oh. LAUGHTER What is your name? Katy. Katy. I recognise

her from The Borrowers. She does make the chair look very big.

Ronnie Corbett's wife. What do you do? I have finished college. What

were you studying? Theatre studies. Good luck with that. LAUGHTER And

did I ever ask you your name? What was it? Katy. LAUGHTER It's

been a long night! Katy, this is it, someone can see you tonight on that

chair and the rest of your life will be made! It is unlikely, but

that could happen. Off you go with your story. I was on holiday in

Club Med, I wanted to impress this guy, so I was like water-skiing and

I had tie-up bikini bottoms on and I felt like a breeze and also a

flash in my face and I looked down and I realised all my underwear was

on my skis and then in the morning, there was like a big poster of

photos of like everyone and my photos of me with no bikini was on

there. He noticed me! Did he ask you out? Not exactly. Yeah...

LAUGHTER Now, I'm going to let that lady walk. APPLAUSE There you go.

Oh. She hasn't learnt her lesson has she?! LAUGHTER When she said he

noticed me it was sweet. Yes, in a kind of creepy way. Do we have time

for one more? AUDIENCE: Yes. Hi. Hi. They are

loving you. What is your name? Jonah. He is quite posh. What do

you do? I'm on a gap-year so I start university in September.

LAUGHTER OK, what will you be studying? Philosophy and economics.

Seriously! The Saturdays are the only thing keeping you sitting

upright. All right, off you go? Basically, back in the day I used

to be a plus-size and I was on the toilet and I got a knock on the

door and they were like quick the ice-cream van is here, so I went

running, following the van and I forgot to do my buttons up and they

came down and tripped me and I fell flat on my face and I broke my nose.

LAUGHTER One more. This is it. One more. Hi. Hello. What is your name?

Sarah. This is Sarah. What do you do? I'm an architect student and I

have started a new job in London. LAUGHTER A job in London? Anyone

else? Not so special now! Off you go with your story. OK. I was in

bud pest with my uni friends and we were in this restaurant and me and

my girlfriend... Just do it! never know! Me and my girlfriend

went to the toilet... Kill her! Well done, everybody. You can

contact us via our website if you want to be in our Red Chair. Thank