Episode 1 The Javone Prince Show

This programme contains adult humour

Would you mind stepping down off your horse, please, sir?

Every time.

This your horse, is it, sir?

Yeah, it is.

A bit early to be galloping, isn't it, sir?

I didn't know there was a law against galloping, bruv.

There isn't...yet.

Mind if I check your saddlebags?

Go ahead.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Would you care to tell me what this is?

It's oats, innit?

Is it? Really?

Can I go now, officer?

Oi! Yo! My man.

Why don't you leave the brother alone, innit!

Just leave the brother alone. He done well for himself.

-He's got nice whip.

-Yeah, man.

Just let the man pass.

Babylon wickedness!

Babylon wickedness!

Would you excuse me for a minute, sir?

Babylon what?

What? I never said nothing, bruv. Weren't me.

I can't even speak, you know, bruv.

Would you like to step down off the horse, please, sir?

Ah, every time!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

brethren, lady brethren and the pickney dem,

will you please welcome your host for this evening's bare madnesses!

He's the face of probiotic contraceptive yoghurt drink

in three quarters of Southeast Asia and now Anglesey.

It's Javone Prince!

Yep, whoo! Get ready for this!

You sit down!

What?

Please, please, please, please...

keep on clapping, innit.

Keep on clapping.

Enjoy this!

Celebrate this!

Enjoy me!

Enjoy yourself enjoying me!

Damn, I'm fine, innit?

I wish I was you watching me right now cos fine I am. Mmm.

This guy's a joke, you know.

I've had funnier shits than this guy.

Why's his head so big?

Is that your man?

Wow.

He looks like a embryo.

I feel sorry for his mum.

Must have been one awkward delivery.

Mmm, hashtag embryo.

BOTH: Waste man.

That's getting tweeted right now.

Do it.

We got a nice show for you this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We've got sketches!

We've got Omar and the band.

Are you going to do the ting for us?

HE SCATS

# There's nothing like this

# Not even remotely. #

Are you going to...?

Are you going to do that for them?

No.

Omar! Omar, ladies and gentlemen.

Erm, we've got a funny show for you this evening.

We've got music from the sensational Mica Paris!

Yeah, I said it. Mica Paris! Right here with them.

Mica Paris, ladies and gentlemen,

in the his-house!

She is going to be so irie!

I can't believe I have to work with this guy.

-Selektah!

-OK, what are you doing?

Hold tight for the mash up!

OK, why are you saying these things?

Er, I'm just... I'm just chatting on the mic.

Er, I believe they call it, er, "maccing".

-You mean mc-ing?

-Yes, rudeboy!

Erm, just a few things about this evening.

I thought that I would try a little bit of jive talk.

Nothing to worry about, just a soupcon of jive.

Don't worry, the audience at home are going to love this.

-I beg you don't, bruv.

-I beg you don't, bruv.

-What?

-What?

-What?

-What?

-What, bruv?

-What, bruv?

-What?

What? I'm sorry, are we...? Is this jive talk?

Are we jive talking right now? Are we in deep jive?

Because I've got to say, if we are, this is some of the deepest jive

I've ever been in, and quite frankly, er, me like it, bruv.

APPLAUSE

Don't clap him!

Sit down and shut up!

# Honey, I'm still free

# Take a chance on me

-# If you need me

-Let me know!

# Going to be around

-# If you've got no

-Place to go

# When you're feeling down

# When you're all alone

# And the pretty birds have flown

# Honey, I'm still free. #

Yo, yo, yo! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

THEY GRUNT

Yo, yo, they gone, they gone, they gone.

# If you change your mind

# I'm the first in line

# Honey, I'm still free

# Take a chance on me. #

You've gotta get used to it

-if you're going to sign up with this guy, I guess.

-Shut up.

Good manners are standard though and I like it.

OK, well, find me a comic where Peter Parker uses a skateboard,

-cos I don't buy it.

-Touche.

Well, it sounds crazy, but I kind of really believe in karma, you know.

-No, I actually do.

-Do you?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of people, you know, think that's stupid,

but I...you know, there's a lot in it for me. Hmm. Yeah.

-Excuse me?

-Oh, God. Just keep walking.

-Excuse me.

Just keep walking. We haven't got any cash, mate.

-We haven't got any phones.

-Your wallet.

-Mmm.

-We actually don't, erm, own wallets.

-No money here.

-No.

-Look, you dropped your wallet.

-Your wallet, mate.

Right. Yeah. Wallet, OK.

Well.

Oh, my days doh. Bros.

What's going on here? I'm always doin' this!

Oh, I am not even going to check in dis cos I know

all of da money, yeah, all the dollars is in here.

Erm, I mean, there's probably more in there actually now.

-I bet. I bet there is!

-No doubt.

Ah, man's always dropping his wallet, you know,

-I'm just like, done it again.

-Oh, silly.

Every day there's, "Ah, better pick that up now," yeah?

Mmm. Taking da lift down. All right.

Having a little twerk. No problem.

Ah! Me want to apologise for me boyfriend.

He's a very clumsy boy.

Not actually me boyfriend, we been...

We been on a couple of dates. Been going really we...

Shut your mouth, woman!

Bitch's always been trippin' for.

BOTH: Wow.

'Black people. Making white people anxious since 1948.'

-Yah.

-Yah?

-Yah.

-Yah?

-Yah.

-Yah.

..batteries in the refrigerator. That's how you get power.

Put the batteries in the refrigerator.

That's what charges them.

No...way.

No...way.

What are you doing back here?

I mean, why are you here?

I mean, isn't it obvious?

I'm here for you.

I came back...for you.

Hi.

Like, what's going on?

How are you doing? How are you doing?

-Giles, I...

-Look, look. No, Cookie. No!

And you, bro, you knew me and Cookie were together, bro.

I'm sorry, I, I didn't know, bro. I didn't know.

Er, actually, Dante, you did know, because I told you.

So, you're lying.

Bro, bro, like, no-one even wants you here, bro.

You're actually pissing me off, bro! Bro, bro, I'm this close, bro.

He's very close.

Just take your trolley and get the hell out of here, man.

Look, tell him, bro!

Dante, I think you should leave.

What do you want me to do, Cookie?

What do you want me to do, Cooks?

MUSIC: Gunshot by Lykke Li

Yes, brother. Um, can I get a stew chicken with rice?

And can I have a punch, please, me brother?

Do you know what, make that a Guinness punch, please.

HE MUMBLES

Seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, seen.

HE MUMBLES

Erm, yeah, man. Um, just, er...

What are you talk 'bout?

HE MUMBLES

Me ask you a simple question.

HE MUMBLES

Fam.

HE MUMBLES

'The Rastaman would like to know if you'd like a spoon or a fork

'with your takeaway.'

Yeah, erm, a spoon, obviously.

It's a... I'll have a spoon, please? A spoon.

'The Rasta translator app.

'For those moments when you're not quite black enough.'

So, why don't you want to sign up for charity for?

-No, thank you.

-Excuse me.

-Why won't you sign up for charity for?

-I'm fine, thanks.

-Excuse me.

-Why won't you sign up for charity for?

-Not today.

-Excuse me.

-Hello?! I am talking to you.

-I'm a little bit busy.

-Why won't you sign up for charity for?

-Excuse me?

-No, thank you.

-Why won't you sign up for charity for?

-Excuse me.

-Does charity hurt you?

-Why won't you sign up for charity?

-Just £2 a month.

-I've got to get...

-Just £4 a month.

-Just £12 a month.

-Just £40 a month.

-Just £80 a month.

-No.

-Think of the children. Why you hatin' on sick children?

-Why would you do that for?

-Why are you without compassion?

-Why are you not empathetical?

-No.

What has happened in your life that you're hating on charity so much?

Why don't you want the sick children that ain't got no legs

to get some new legs?

Why don't you want the village that ain't got no clean water

to get a special machine so that they can get clean water

so their old women don't get things in their eyes which means

they can't see and trip over the legs that the children ain't got?

Actually, what I object to is people like you harassing me,

bullying me and using every guilt trip in the book to get me

-to try and get me to sign up for your charity!

-Excuse me?!

Why are you makin' it personal for?

There's no need to make it personal though, is there?

I mean, why would you do that? Are you heartless?

Do you not have a heart? Do you enjoy suffering?

-Do you enjoy seeing people suffer?

-Yes, I do. And, no, I don't.

OK, which is it? Cos you need to make up your mind.

Cos while you're standing there, being indecisive, people are dying.

Yes, I do have a heart. And, no, I don't like seeing people suffer!

-Well, then sign up.

-Just sign up, innit!

And with Direct Debit, nothing could be easier.

-You won't even notice it going out of your account.

-Whoosh!

All right, I'll sign up. Have you got a pen?

Oh! There we go! Up yours!

-OK.

-OK.

Why is he dressed as a woman for?

My man's on a Grayson Perry ting, you know?

Come like Eddie Izzard. If you're going to dress like girl, fine.

-But dress like...

-BOTH: Decent girl.

-Innit?

Like Lily Savage.

Mmm, I like Lily Savage, still.

But he went back to man.

That's where he went wrong, innit?

Paul O'Grady, you was fitter as woman.

That's getting tweeted right now.

Do it.

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

You know those children who ain't got no legs?

They'd love to be able to run like you.

-Thank you!

-Ah, thank you so much!

BOTH: Dickhead!

So, here's the thing, you know, when we were writing this show,

we were sitting around talking about experiences we had

as young black men growing up and the things we went through.

And believe me when I tell you,

everyone in the room had the next thing happen to them.

Man ain't lying. No lie.

Bruv, when the fartin' starts, you know what time it is...

It's Chico time.

Bruv, I was outta there like Bolt, like...

Bruv, I just remember you face like this...

I remember my face looked like...

Hey, bros. Erm, sorry to interrupt all the fantastic banter.

-Yeah, some really great stuff.

-Yeah.

Yeah, but I was wondering if you could, erm, maybe sort us out

-with a bit of, uh, you know...

-HE WHISTLES

-Could you?

-A bit of what?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Oh, a bit of whatever you've got.

And what have we got?

Oh, I don't know. I don't...

I imagine you've got the lot.

-We would just be really appreciative.

-Mmm.

We just want to get...

-THEY SING IN HIGH NOTE: High!

-Oh, so high!

-This guy!

-You guy!

'White people.

'Consistently mistaking black people for drug dealers since 1948.'

Crazy! Crazy!

Hands up if that's ever happened to you. Like, a show of hands.

Almost all the men in the room.

What's he going on about? That ain't never happened to me.

That ain't ever 'appened to me either.

Do you think it's cos we never get invited to parties?

I like that it's just you and me together.

Forever.

Don't tweet that.

Hey, Omar. Omar. You ever been at a party and that happened to you?

Some guy comes up to you and they're like,

"Excuse me, can you sort me out a bit of a..."

And you're like... And they're like,

"Excuse me, can you sort me out with a little bit of a..."

And you're like...

"Please, dude, just sort me out with a little bit of a thing."

And you're like, "What?"

Yeah, has that happened to you?

Just get on with the show, bruv.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Be professional.

-Yeah, yeah.

Haven't got time.

Omar, ladies and gentlemen!

I love that guy.

Darling, darling, darling.

Change of scenery needed.

Look at all this concrete.

It's so brutal.

One needs to get away from all of this.

Yeah, bro, like the vibes in London are like so bad, bro.

Yeah, I don't know about you guys,

but I could actually do with a little chill.

Oh, my gosh!

-Are you sure? Cos I spoke to...

-Hey, babe!

No! No, Giles!

I've heard everything!

MUSIC: Gunshot by Lykke Li

She knows about you and big Shirley, bro.

You might as well come clean.

But, but, but, but, but, but... Look, babe...

I can't believe you! You make me sick!

Uh!

-What are you doing, bro?

-Sorry.

What are you talking about? Chris!

-THEY CHANT:

-Go Chris!

# She take my money... #

ALL: Oh!

# When I'm in need

# She's a trifling friend indeed

# Oh, she's a gold-digger, way over town

# That digs on me

# Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do

# Now, I ain't saying she a gold-digger

# But she ain't messing with no broke nig... #

'White people. Being unsure about saying the "N" word in songs

'since 1948.'

Sorry.

New! Out now! Professor Foglife presents...

With all your favourite wasteband MCs.

We've got the Hood Jogger, Man Like, Thuggy Weightloss!

# Hashtag weightloss Don't get me pissed cos

# Hashtag weightloss Don't get me pissed cos

# Hashtag waist, don't get me pissed

# Hashtag waist, don't get me pissed. #

Yes, yes. You're done now!

And we've exclusive dub play from the Boobyman!

# Are you stupid, fam got tits and ting

# Boobyman got tits and ting

Boobyman got tits and ting

# Boobyman Tits n ting

# Boobyman. #

He's still lactating. That's how hype it is.

And for you discerning gentlemen, we got Random White Girl MC.

# All day in my tracksuit, sneakers

# Listen to my words

# Yeah, I'm your teacher... #

SHE MUMBLES

What is she saying?

Nobody, nobody, nobody knows.

With a man like MC Whistler!

THEY WHISTLE

That's going to stay in your head for days. Trust me!

Ittsssss... Professor Foglife brings to you...

So, all you middle class white kids, go out and cop this now!

-Cheese on my toast, cheese on my toast!

-Like that.

-Cheese on my toast, cheese on my toast!

-Eat that.

-Cheese on my toast, cheese on my toast!

-Eat that.

-Cheese on my toast, cheese on my toast!

-Have that.

-Cheese on my toast, cheese on my toast!

-Do that!

-Cheese on my toast, cheese on my toast!

-Do that!

Me, me, me, me, ner ner ner.

Mmm. Oh. Cava.

That's French for champagne.

Speaking of which, it's that time in the show

where I get to listen to some of my favourite music.

Please, please show some love for an incredible lady.

Ha, it's the first lady of British soul, it's Mica Paris! Amazing!

# Love, love, love, love, love

# Love, love, love, love, love

# Ooh, ooh, love, love, love, love love

# Love, love, love, love, love

# I should've known better

# Oh, oh, I should've known better

# I think it's time

# You give some people some time

# Yes

# Show a little peace of mind

# So many lost people to be found

# All we need

# All we need, yeah

# Is a helping hand

# Show love

# Give me time, ooh

# Show me how you feel, yeah

# Should have known better

# Oh, I

# Doo, boo, boo, boo, boo, yeah

# Should've known

# Take it away

# Hey

# Ooh, ooh, whoo

# You, I need you

# Ah

# I said, baby

# Don't you know?

# I should've known better

# To fall in love with you

# Baby, you look so good

# You look so good

# You taste so nice

# Oh, got to get together, don't you know that

# So, boo, boo, boo, bee

# Baby, don't you know?

-# Should have known better

-Hey

# Doo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo

# Yeah

# Should have known better

# Got to get together with you

-# I should have known better

-Just don't know where

# Give a little love

# Give a little time

# Show your feelings to one another

# Give a little love

-# I should have known better

-Give a little peace

# Show your feeling to one another

# Ow Baby! #

Mica Paris, everybody!

Give it up! Amazing!

What an amazing voice! Thank you.

-Mica!

-As a thank you,

please accept this probiotic contraceptive yoghurt drink.

Oh...

And if I could just have a picture for the sponsors.

Thank you every so much.

Yes. Oh, that's beautiful. Put her leg a bit higher.

Lovely. Thank you, Mica.

Would you...? I can give you some more time if you'd like?

Erm, would you like to sit down? I'm practising my jive talk.

So, that's it. We're out of time.

I know. If you've had a good time, my name's Javone Prince.

If you haven't, it's his fault.

And I don't know what I've done to upset this guy?

Are we cool?

My mum's here, bruv.

She's been watching this show. Don't be like that, bruv.

OK, Omar, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

-I love that guy.

-Whoo!

-Love that.

So, you know what time it is? Before we go, it's Candy time.

MUSIC: Candy by Cameo

See. Come on, people, don't be scared.

There we go! Yeah!

Yeah, see you next week. Peace.