Episode 4 The Javone Prince Show

This programme contains some strong language

-There's something else in this, isn't there?

-Yes.

-I put a bit of fennel in this.

-ALL:

-Ah.

-That is clever.

-Interesting.

-It is clever.

Bit different, yeah.

-It's a lovely herb.

-Thank you.

I read something interesting about, er, fennel the other day.

Oh?

Oh, no, that was, er, coriander.

-Getting them mixed up.

-Mmm.

-Easily done.

-We all do it.

-Getting old.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Just go and get that.

We're not expecting anybody else, are we?

-There's not another chair, is there?

-Is he up to his tricks again?

THEY LAUGH

-# You see...

-STUCK IN LOOP

# You see, you see, you see...

# You see, you see...

# One for the trouble Two for the time

# Come on girls, let's rock that

WHISTLE

# Fab Five Freddy Told me everybody's fly

# DJ spinning, I said, my, my

# Flash is fast, flash is fast... STUCK IN LOOP

# Flash is fast, flash is cool

# Francois c'est pas, flashe non due

# You say one for the trouble Two for the time

# Come on, girls, let's rock that...

# Good times!

# Hey, bro, I got something that'll blow your mind, man

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! #

RECORD MIXING

# Good times!

CHEERING

-# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

-Good times!

# Creole, creole, creole!

# Get your hands off that girl!

# Creole, creole!

# Grand master! Cut, cut, cut faster!

# Grand master!

# Grand Master! Cut faster!

RECORD STUCK IN LOOP

# It's like candy

# I can feel it when you walk

# Even when you talk

# It takes over me

# You're so dandy

# I want to know

# Can you feel it too

# Just like I do? #

VOICE OVER: Black people,

helping white people to relax since 1948.

# It's the same feeling,

# I always seem to get around you

CHEERING

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

brethren, lady brethren and the Picknee Dem,

will you please welcome your host for this evening's bare madness-es!

He's the brand ambassador for ladies facial shaving cream

in three quarters of Equatorial Guinea

and now Stoke-on-Trent.

It's Javone Prince!

Oh, my God!

You need this in your life!

You're fine, fine.

Beautiful.

CHEERING

Use that. Use that.

APPLAUSE

Come! Come, woman!

Ah! Yeah!

BABY CRIES

-CHEERING

-Mwah!

Ah!

-What?!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What?!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh!

-Yeah!

-APPLAUSE CONTINUES

I like that. I like that.

-WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

It's the last show of the series.

Your last chance you're going to get to see this.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Just take this all in, innit?

Ladies...

look at me.

Want me!

Desire me!

-FROM AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-Men...

be jealous!

Yeah? I'll be honest with you, all of this is a curse.

-Why?!

-LAUGHTER

So...

-last show in the series.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

But no, I don't want your pity. Don't do that!

You know? Get on with your lives, innit?

Grow as individuals.

Achieve your potential.

Realise your dreams.

Er, can I just say,

I've realised quite a lot of my dreams on this show.

I've had a bloody great time!

Language. Apologies to our younger viewers.

LAUGHTER I've made some great new pals.

Er, Omar and the gang.

Hey, guys. Wag-wan?

Easy, brother.

-You like the ting?

-Oh, yes, me like the ting.

Me like it all right! HE LAUGHS

Me like the ting too, Omar.

Me like it.

-The ting.

-What ting is that, bruv?

Um, I, I don't know.

-Can we get on with the show?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Just be professional, yeah?

That's right.

Do your job.

LAUGHTER

Good advice, good advice.

Go on, then.

Omar, everyone!

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

I love that guy.

-Listen to Uncle Omar. Be professional.

-Yeah.

Hashtag...

"You will never...

"be Lenny Henry."

Katanga, my friend.

That's getting tweeted.

Ooo-kay.

Er, Mr Jenkins?

The doctor will see you now if you'd like to go through.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Why are you looking at me for?

-Sorry?

-Do I know you?

Oh, God, no, no, no, no. I'm a new patient, this is my first visit. MOBILE RINGS

I've got this cough, erm...

It's sort of recurring

and erm, it's getting quite annoying, actually.

I've tried lots of things to get rid of it, I've tried honey and...

Mmm, yeah.

I've got some waste man in my office, you know.

Man looks like a proper dickhead!

Yeah.

Yeah, he is one dickhead, you know.

Why is he in here? Don't even look sick.

-I know.

-Excuse me, what is your problem?

Me?

-Nothing, no.

-Why you come doctors for, then, innit?

Yeah, this is a busy place of medical-ity, you know?

Yeah, why are you wasting doctor's time for?

Yeah, why are you wasting doctor's time?

The NHS is in crisis cos of waste men like you.

I've just got...

I'm not a waste man.

I've just got this cough and it's recurring.

Thank you.

What does it say?

"Fuck off."

It's fuck off medicine.

You came in with a cough, yeah?

-Yeah.

-So, fuck off.

And take your medicine.

Dickhead!

-# Mmm, mm, mm, mm...

-# Ah...

-# Mmm, mm, mm, mm...

-# Ah... #

And now it's time

for another dirty truth bomb

from the front line of the war on ignorance.

All the way from Atlanta, Georgia,

the original speaker of...

..unpalatable truths.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

Consciousness X!

WEAK APPLAUSE

-DRUMBEAT

-The white man has taken

and mistaken,

and miss...

shapen

the Mustapha

and must have a moustache for rest of a...

This was the endeavour,

end of an enema,

the cinema, the sin of maaa...?

The sin of mother!

The sin of brother!

The sin of my colour?

No, I will not get to the back of your bus, boss!

Ya dig?

DRUMMING STOPS

Could somebody call me an ambulance?

Cos I've just been run over by the truth.

Ladies and gentleman,

what I'm saying is that what you just said there...

..was so...

fucking true!

It was so true!

-# Mmm, mm, mm, mm...

-# Ah

-# Mmm, mm, mm, mm...

-# Ah

# Mmm, mm, mm, mm... #

APPLAUSE

So, here's the thing.

My old school's having a reunion, party or whatever.

-And they are just, um, they are...

-You haven't got the practice.

Yeah, well, you know, what about that?

-Very good.

-Thank you.

It's not the first time I've been complimented on my fingering, really.

-Hey!

-Hey, what's going on here, then?

Oh, just chatting breeze with the guys, you know.

I think you'll find that's perfectly in tune now.

Hey, have you heard the jingle that Omar's written for me?

What? Sorry, Omar's done you a jingle?

One, two, three, four.

FUNKY MUSIC

# Very nice

# He's so precise

# He don't go on and on

# Like Javone

# No, no, no

# Very nice

# He gets the words right

# He don't go on and on like Javone

# Yeah, yeah, yeah! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Erm, so he's the announcer.

You've got your own play-on music. Er, it's my show.

No, no, he's, he's written one for you as well.

Really? I don't need one cos I've got my own show, innit, so it's fine. I don't want it.

-Listen to this.

-OK, fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's your host,

Javone Prince!

WEAK CHEERING

LAUGHTER

GENTLE APPLAUSE

THEY LAUGH

My man just got shamed by a triangle.

-Ugh!

-Oh, boy!

-That is shame, innit?

-Mmm.

You just got shamed by a triangle.

Hashtag...

BOTH: This would never happen to Lenny Henry.

I'm going to tweet that now.

Do it. HE LAUGHS

It reinforces the crudest of stereotypes.

-Exactly.

-It simply cannot go on.

Are we going to stand around and let this ugly

and brutal narrative play itself out yet again?

I'm actually very angry about this.

I feel your anger and I embrace it.

I've decided I'm also very angry about this.

Yeah, I'm with her. Angry.

Mmm, I'm livid.

-Yeah, I'm really, really angry about that as well, actually.

-Yeah, yeah, disgusted!

Once again we're seeing the proud black man being subjugated

and used by the colonial oppressors for their own ends.

Is this going to happen every time I get a round of drinks in?

VOICE OVER: Liberal white people,

feeling terribly guilty about everything since 1948.

Out now, the Black Pack.

Featuring Frank Sirnasty...

# If you got a gun up in your waist

# Please don't shoot up the place

# Why? Cos I see some ladies tonight That should be having my babies

# My babies... #

..the inimitable Dean Manaman...

# Rolling down the street Smoking indo!

# Sipping on gin and juice

# With my mind on my money And my money on my mind... #

He-he.

For schizzle my nizzle.

..the dulcet tones of Sammy Blazes Jr...

# To the window, to the wall

# Till the sweat drips down my balls...

# Boo, boo, boo... #

..the velvet voice box of Bang Crosby...

# I like big butts and I cannot lie

# You other brothers can't deny

# That when a girl walks in With an itty bitty waist

# And a round thing in your face

# You get sprung!

# Oh, yeah

# Oh, God... #

..and, of course, Tony Benjamins.

# Shoo be do whop!

# I ain't got no mother f..

-BLEEP

-..friends.

# Ha, ha! That's why I f..

-BLEEP

-# Your f.. You fat mother f..

-BLEEP

-# It's true, fat mother f..

-BLEEP

-# I'm talking to you, fat mother f..

BLEEP And for the first time,

five of the greatest voices in history together on the same record.

# How old am I?

# 21

# I got 21 seconds Till my vocal's done

# Two multiplied by ten plus one

# Romeo done

# I got 21 seconds to go

-# What time you got?

-I got 21 seconds to go

-# 21

-I got 21 seconds to go

-# Time's a ticking

-I got 21 seconds to go

# Ta, ta, 21 seconds to go

# Ta, ta, 21 seconds to go! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, remember, breast is best.

And that applies to feeding as well.

LAUGHTER

You're watching the Javone Prince Show.

I ain't going to lie...

I'm Javone Prince.

Coming up!

Sketches, music, live dancing.

But first, sketches.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Real Talk.

We're all familiar with the ludicrositiness

of gang warfare on our streets.

But there's a new kind of gang

that's been brought to our attention.

I'm here on the notorious Man-o-Man Estate in North West, South East London

to meet members of the infamous Young Gentlemen Crew.

You must have seen some pretty heavy skang going down on the street.

Brother, brother, brother, brother,

I seen tings no man should see, you know.

You get me? There are actually men out there, yeah,

that would think nothing

of pouring red wine...

..in a white wine glass.

What? Are you mad?

Rule two!

Like, I seen it too many times, bruv,

these men don't even heat up their plates before they eat!

And then when their food's cold, they want to start moaning. Ah-tah!

It's incredible.

Bruv, these man call lunch their dinner, yeah?

And then at six o'clock they go home and have their tea. Tea!

Now, as for supper, that's non-existent.

And let's not talk about pre or post-theatre supper.

This is barbaric,

but it's happening right now on London's streets.

You see them youths there, see them brothers there, yeah?

Them men there, when they make their soups, yeah,

they're using stock cubes, bruv.

-Wow.

-Like, stock cubes?

Fucking stock cubes?!

Yo, sorry for my language, but make a stock!

Be a man! Make a stock, bruv!

You hear me, bones, celery, bay leaf, carrots, onions, peppercorn.

Cover with water. Skim, simmer. You're done though, already. You get me?

Where's your stock pot, bruv? Oi! Where's your stock pot?

Go home and make a stock pot, you side man.

If I see them brothers again, them are going to catch fire, you know.

Once I'd gained the trust of Roger

and we'd had a lovely cup of Earl Grey tea, without milk,

he agreed to introduce me

to another member of the Young Gentleman Crew, Jamaal.

Who didn't want to me named.

I'm hearing that knife crime is a big part of this culture.

It's a lifestyle out here, you feel me?

-Man, you found a knife over there.

-Trust me, bruv,

there's youths on this block, yeah,

that wouldn't pep to use a fish knife to butter bread, fam.

Just the other day, yeah, man had a little dinner party, yeah?

-Just a simple kitchen supper, innit?

-Yeah, light ting...

-Yeah, man.

Anyways, I just set out the starters, cos I go hard with the bruschetta.

-You wouldn't believe it.

-Trust me.

And then, yeah, this one youth decided to draw for a machete

-to slice the camembert.

-No, but bruv!

Why would you do that to cheese?

Why would you batter cheese like that?

-Where did the machete even come from?

-Trust me, bruv. Have you got beef with the cheese or something?

It seems like there's been a complete breakdown

in social etiquette.

Tell him about the language that these youths here...

Language, bruv, basic English language.

It's gone. It's finished. It's out of here, man.

I can't surround myself with these people.

Trust me man, can't sleep at night, yeah, knowing like,

man in the next block, yeah,

-is using the word "arks" instead of "ask", fam.

-Yeah!

-What's that Jim character? The Mask, innit?

-The Mask.

Bruv, they have to go to their mum, to "arks"

-if they can watch "The Marks."

-Marks.

Like, really, it's in front of you, it's in front of you.

-It's on the DVD, bruv.

-It's blatantly written out, bruv.

Shit me.

How did we get to this stage?

How did we get to this situation where our language is being mangled

like the serrated edge of a bread knife

tearing through a delicate Victoria sponge?

It seems that on our streets

there's jam and cream everywhere.

I met with two ex gang members

who are now mentors.

Hey, uncle, let me tell you something,

we're in decadent times right now, yeah?

Not so long ago, that old cheese of this block

would have duffed the yout' out

for using a subjunctive instead of a past participle

when in conversation.

-But that's the kind of times we're in right now.

-Pfft.

Them kind of rigours have gone!

Bruv, this is basic stuff

that yout' should be learning when they're home. You get me?

Subjunctive, past participles, conditionals.

There's youts out there that don't even know what an oxymoron is.

Can you believe that?

These London Picknee Dem, they're not able to discern

between the Shakespearian stress or the Marlowe stress, like.

The iambic pentameter.

Feminine ending, male ending.

There's at least five different endings

that these youts don't even know about.

Don't get me started, cuz.

-Don't get him started on iambic feet, cuzzy.

-Pfft.

But now these youts want to talk in 140 characters or less.

These youts are talking in text,

-that what we've become, we become lols.

-Lols!

-What's lols, fam?

-What's lols, fam?

You want to talk in text? You want to convey how you feel in a text?

Try speaking in Shakespearian text, cuz.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

-"Thou art more lovely and more temperate."

-Done, though.

But now these youts want to say, "Yo, come let me dig you out."

"Rough wings do shake the darling buds of May." Let's do a ting.

"Thy eternal summer shall not fade." But are we going to bang, though?'

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see."

Are we going to bang, though?

"So long live this and this gives life to thee."

But are we going to bang, though?

-Don't make me low.

-Don't make him low.

Bruv, the next yout' that says DPMO, SMH or L,

I'm going to dup him, blud.

-It's peak for them, dupping on sight, knock 'em long.

-You get me?

Yes.

But are we going to bang, though?

So many questions.

What hope?

What future?

What's for dinner?

This looks amazing, guys.

Hey, hey! Have you washed your hands?

Why is my man leaning over the food, though? Dirty pig.

Are you using a fish knife to butter ciabatta?

Bruv, why are you putting butter in the ciabatta?

We haven't even said grace! Bruv, get up!

Seriously, get up, brother! Come off the table, innit, man.

-Man want to touch up the food when it ain't blessed.

-What is it with this guy?

What? Are you going to go without pushing your chair in?

-Brother, I'm going to say grace.

-Yeah.

JAMAICAN ACCENT: Lord Jesus, we must forgive this brother,

for him not know what a man do.

Him don't have no manners and him just dash bread everywhere

like him born in a barn!

We pray, Lord, when he get on the bus, nobody bust him head.

-And we thank him Jesus for this mighty food. Amen.

-Amen.

APPLAUSE

Me like it.

So...

..it's that time in the show where I get to play you

some of my favourite music.

MUSIC There's Nothing Like This by Omar

You like that, innit.

-Don't play with me, Omar.

-MUSIC RESUMES

You know that's my song, innit? Are you going to do it? Do it for...

Are you going to do it for me and them?

-Since it's the last show of the series...

-Yeah.

..and he asked me, and I like him...

What can I say? I make shit happen.

LAUGHTER

Repeated apologies to our younger viewers for the coarse language.

Ladies and gentlemen, please,

please put your hands together

for the Godfather of British neo soul,

finally, finally doing There's Nothing Like This.

It's Omar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Yes!

Omar! Omar!

-Have a seat.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

INSTRUMENTAL STARTS

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la...

# Yeah, my baby

# Ooh...

# Sip a glass of cold champagne wine

# The rug that we lie on Feels divine

# And there's no...

# No, no, no, no...

# Parallel

# Yeah

# Doo, doo

# For we two

# Oh

# All right

# Ecstasy the word of the night

# Ringing in our ears

# We're in flight

# There's no...

# No, no, no...

# Substitution

# No, no, ooh...

# Ha, for what

# We have

# No others can have

# Wa!

-# There's nothing

-Like this

# Be, be, be, be, be, be dup

-# There's nothing

-Like this

# No, no, no, no, no,

# No-one could ever have

# What we have

# There's nothing like this

# Boom, ba, ba, boom

-# There's nothing

-Like this...

# No, no, no, no, no, no

-# There's nothing...

-Like this

# Not even remotely

# Like this

# Yeah, babe, yeah

# Ooh, nothing like

-# Nothing like this

-There's nothing like

-# Nothing like this

-Nothing, nothing like

-# Nothing like this

-No, no, no, no

-# Nothing like this

-Ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba

-# Nothing like this

-Yeah, yeah, yeah

-# Nothing like this

-There's nothing like this

-# Nothing like this

-I said there's nothing like this

-# Nothing like this

-Oh, nothing, nothing like

-# Nothing like this

-Oh, oh, yeah

-# Nothing like this

-Oh, oh, yeah

-# This

-Nothing like this

-# Oh, ma, ma...

-Nothing like this

-# Ba, ba, ba...

-Nothing like this

# Yeah... #

There's nothing like...

# This. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh!

Omar!

-WHOOPING

-Yeah!

Omar!

-Wow!

-APPLAUSE CONTINUES

So, it's that time of the show.

-Last show of the series.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

I know.

I hope you've had a great time, cos we've had an amazing time.

I've had an incredible time.

Omar, you had an incredible time?

Not really.

LAUGHTER

Omar, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I love that guy. I love that guy.

But before we go, you know what time it is, innit? It's Candy time!

WHOOPING AND MUSIC

Come on, people.

It's the last time I'm going to get to see you do this.

You know what to do.

# Yeah, yeah

# Mmm

# It's like candy

# I can feel it when you walk

# Even when you talk

# It takes over me

# You're so dandy

# I want to know

# Can you feel it too?

# Just like I do?

# Ooh!

# This stuff is starting now

# It's the same feeling

# I always seem to get around you

-# There's no mistaking... #

-Hashtag...

"Bring back the Javone Prince Show,

"starring Lenny Henry...

"as Javone Prince."

I would watch that.

That's getting tweeted right now.

Do it.