Episode 1 The Michael McIntyre Chat Show

My guests are going to come out from there

and I have to come out from this area. This is my area, OK?

Because I'm the host of the show.

So this is... this is something called gauze, I believe,

and it lifts up.

And I assumed that was going to be, you know, technology.

Like a garage, like a clicker. You know, a clicker?

And it turns out that there is no clicker.

-There is this man.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

-What's your name?

-Paul.

-Unbelievably, it sounds like I'm making this up.

His name is Paul.

OK, so we're going to do a rehearsal, OK?

So what would happen is... we might as well look at Paul.

So you can reveal Paul here, so you can show...

I just want you to see the inner workings of television.

So I go around here...

and then...

So what happens?

What do you do, Paul? You pull, Paul. Pull?

Are you ready for pull, Paul?

-Are you going to pull?

-Ready.

-Paul.

No, I was saying Paul!

OK...

All right, OK, go.

So it's going to be like that and then you go nuts.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Although, I think it would be more exciting if it was the opposite,

like an action movie, don't you think?

So if you try and lower it, that's probably more fun.

So if you... if you lower it.

Ladies and gentleman, Michael McIntyre!

Ladies and gentleman, I'll see you in a few minutes' time. Until then, bravo.

On the show tonight, Sir Terry Wogan...

Lily Allen...

Lord Sugar.

But now, please welcome Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What? No way!

You've got to be kidding.

You've got to be kidding me.

Welcome. I don't... I don't get this.

Come on! This is insanity.

What's going on here?

What's happening?

We can do this! We can do this.

Let's have this.

All right. I say.

-Oh.

-LAUGHTER

It's really extraordinary how the atmosphere goes to...

just ecstasy to, like, the end of a school assembly.

LAUGHTER

Good morning, class.

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to The Michael McIntyre Chat Show!

I'm a chat show person now.

I have a tie. It's a new me!

Terribly uncomfortable. Ties are uncomfortable, aren't they?

I don't know who invented the tie. It's like someone looked at a shirt and thought,

"I think this person needs to be strangled. That would...

"I think that would look nicer."

And I haven't been on TV for ages as well, so it's good to be back on the television.

It's been, I don't know how... a couple of years.

Anyway, I have been spotted, people say, "What have you been up to?"

If you're not on TV, they think you're doing nothing with your life

and people have spotted me out and about.

I've been sent this in,

playing the trumpet on the Jools Holland television show.

LAUGHTER

The camera adds some pounds.

As does the trumpet when you're blowing out.

Also, I've been spotted reading business news on the BBC.

Here I am.

Erm, as the Daily Mail have helpfully pointed out also

that, erm...

I've been running North Korea.

LAUGHTER

This is my favourite one. This is on, you know Skype?

Skype is this thing where you talk to people over your computer.

So you phone them, you phone their computer with your computer.

And then they come up and you see them

and you have you in the corner.

It's the same with face time, it's very distracting seeing yourself

in the corner because you actually

only look at your own face.

Even though you're there - aren't you? -

to talk to the person in the screen, you spend the whole time going...

Trying to... "How many chins have I got?"

You try and angle it

so the chins look at their best or you...

you start changing the lighting.

You might as well just telephone someone and hold up a mirror as you do it.

Anyway, if you go into App Store

and you look up the actual app for Skype, this is what comes up.

This is the actual app, you can do this.

This is the actually app where there is a little boy

and he is talking, I presume, to his father or uncle.

And he's over here in his dressing gown, having just woken up

and I have to say this genuinely gave me a bit of a shock,

cos if you look at this person he's talking to closer up...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This... This is the actual app. You can look at it on your phone.

I'm not lying! When I went on it, I thought I was already on it.

Because I wear glasses, I'm wearing contact lenses now

but this is me every morning and to prove the point,

I have photographed myself this morning.

Here we are.

-That's me!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's me!

Everything... The weird thing is that this is my bedroom

and it's in my room.

Who is this man?

So that's what I've been up to and before I bring my guest out,

which is very exciting, we're going to have a little bit of fun -

if that's OK by you - with somebody in the audience.

All I need from you is a volunteer.

I can feel the tension. People trying to avoid my gaze.

Anyone who's prepared to lend me - for the duration of the show -

their mobile telephone.

There's a bit more tension as somebody sort of...

So just raise your hand as I sort of scan the audience here.

-Oh, there's a person over here. What's your name, sir?

-Oliver!

OLIVER.

LAUGHTER

Your diction is magnificent.

OL-IV-ER.

-What do you do for a living?

-Well, I recruit, I'm a recruitment manager.

-You're a manager of recruitment, you find other people work.

-Yes.

When did you realise you didn't want a job,

you just wanted to get other people jobs?

I got very lazy.

Because, you know, sometimes they call that human resources, don't they? HR.

I've always find that hilarious

that they have to specify that it's a human.

"I work in human resources."

Like there are people going, "I think I'd like my next PA to be a llama."

-Oliver, you have a mobile telephone, is that right?

-I do, yes.

Is it on your person?

Thank you, Oliver.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Oliver!

Right.

Oliver's gone for a tiger as his screen saver.

Why have you got a tiger and you're in HUMAN resources?

Because, erm, I like cats.

Are you, erm... I don't think I need to ask this -

in a relationship, Oliver?

You seeing any humans?

-No, not at the moment.

-You don't have a girlfriend?

-I don't, no.

OK, well, let me fill you in on the game we're playing for our entertainment.

But Oliver, there is a prize and I want you to know that

whatever happens to you, you will be rewarded and everything will be OK.

You will be on TV and people will go,

"Oh, my God, I saw you on that TV show!

"I so want to be your girlfriend."

You will have a girl on your phone within a fortnight. Women all over.

Get his best side, look how good-looking...

Oliver deserves love, OK?

So you're going to...

That thing, that's not going to help. Don't do that.

No, that and the tiger,

it's all got a bit Michael Jackson, Thriller, OK?

OK, so we're going to play a little game called Send To All.

Now...

LAUGHTER

I'm just going to send a little text to everyone in your phone book and

then we'll see throughout the show

who gets back and how...

how things develop.

Erm, OK.

So, the text I'm going to send is,

"Be honest...

"Have I...

"been...

"annoying lately?"

Erm, I don't know, do we go with kiss?

-I don't know, is that a kiss...?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

No kiss, no, I think... I'm getting "no kiss" in my ear.

Shall we go with C, which is an accidental kiss?

OK, and I'm just going to send that, you see?

"Be honest, have I been annoying lately?"

Erm, and I will send that to... Have you got a few people in your phone, Oliver?

-Just a few.

-Brilliant. OK, so I'm going to send that.

Ladies and gentlemen, huge hand for the very generous and sporting Oliver!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, shall we have a chat show?!

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

All right.

My first guest.

My first guest on any of my chat shows,

my first chat show guest ever, is a broadcasting legend.

He's the star of Lunchtime With Wogan, Weekend Wogan,

Wake up to Wogan, Wogan Now and Then and Wogan's Web.

He is also the author of Wogan on Wogan, Wogan's Island

and the World According to Wogan.

But he's best known for his long-running TV show...

Who is it again?

It's Wogan!

Sir Terry!

WOGAN CHAT SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

Up! Everybody up! Up!

Up!

I've never..

Nobody's ever stood for me in my life before.

Terry, I would stand the whole interview but I know it's not the right thing.

That's what an honour it is to have you here.

No, don't you stand.

Sir Terry, thank you

so much for being my first ever guest on my show.

-I mean, it's such an absolute treat...

-Well...

-..to have you here.

I wasn't doing much.

It's a great honour for me as well.

You're a legend, Terry, that's why you're here.

I'm glad you didn't call me a treasure

because a treasure is something that you dig up.

It's true, it's true. Can we lose the treasure montage?

-Terry, this is what I love about you. Can I call you Terry?

-No.

-Or Sir Terry, or...?

-LAUGHTER

..Wogan?

-No, call me Terry, please.

-I'll call you Terry.

-Yeah.

Terry, what I'm going to show you now is some

highlights from your chat show, because...

It's not going to take long, then.

LAUGHTER

Erm, ladies and gentlemen, this is the legendary Terry Wogan,

who had a chat show for 10 years and you interviewed, I think,

literally thousands of people.

And I can't remember a single one of them!

Let's remind you and us. Terry Wogan, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome Robert De Niro.

Mariah Carey.

Prince Philip. Harrison Ford.

Margaret Thatcher. Michael Caine.

I never know what I'm going to say next,

as you can tell from this interview.

Yeah. According to some reviewers, neither do I.

It's a big night for me, I can tell you.

You go like this.

We got the new champ.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Incredible.

It's very depressing for a...

for a decaying old geezer like myself to be looking

back at something that happened just after the peninsular war.

But it's extraordinary, it was a huge chunk of your life.

-Tell me what you remember.

-Yeah, three times a week...

-Live.

-Live?!

-Yeah, live, it was. Three times a week.

How could you prepare for three guests?

I had no capacity for preparation or rehearsal, or anything else,

-I never have.

-But you did it so well, I mean...

-Oh, steady.

-..unflappable,

I'm glad I came now.

-LAUGHTER

-What I love the most is that you've got this very wry,

unbelievable sense of humour, Terry.

LAUGHTER

But it's always hilarious, it's classic Wogan

-and you don't seem to know that you're doing it.

-You never...

When you do it, I'll let you know.

-You'll do it in a minute.

-You... You...

You never thought of a degree in psychiatry, did you?

Classic Wogan.

WOGAN CHAT SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

You see, you can't help yourself.

-Well, I mean, it's extraordinary to look at all that.

-Yeah.

And remember it. Because, as you will find out the hard way,

the only thing you're remembered for as a chat show host

-are the disasters.

-Right.

You're never remembered for an outstanding interview like this one.

You're...

You'll be remembered, as I am remembered, like, Anne Bancroft.

-Great actress walks on in a catatonic trance, won't speak.

-Yeah.

Or George Best, great footballer, lovely fellow,

comes on the worse for drink.

-Yeah.

-And has to be carried out.

All you can do is soldier on.

-Cos obviously, I'm new to this televised thing.

-Never, are you?

You look like a veteran to me.

WOGAN CHAT SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

So what would be your advice, then?

Advice, really, Terry, is what I'm desperate for.

-I wish I could give you some advice in this rather taxing...

-Me too.

But...but frankly,

why should I? LAUGHTER

WOGAN CHAT SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

I just wanted to break down the elements.

-You didn't have a desk, I've gone for a desk.

-No.

What are your thoughts on the desk?

I think somewhere to hit, somewhere to sit by,

somewhere to lean on in case people turn against you.

-It's a defence.

-Quite.

-Yes, you're right, you're right.

Because as you saw on that earlier, somebody like Nicolas Cage

comes on and he obviously has the advantage of you because...

For those people who want to be reminded of the actor Nicolas Cage,

can we show it?

Welcome Nicolas Cage!

-Oh. Lord.

-Yeah.

So he did a somersault and then threw money into the audience.

What's the betting Lord Sugar does that later?

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't depend on him for a somersault.

LAUGHTER

So entrances, erm, you know, you've got to make people

-feel at ease right off the bat, don't you, Terry?

-Yeah.

Just warm, engaging.

Try and create the illusion that they're not on the television.

OK, well, can we get rid of all the cameras, please?

-They're in your lounge...

-Yes.

-..with about 400 people looking on.

No, this is fine, except in my lounge, we face the TV.

Do you watch a lot of TV, Terry?

I watch a lot of TV, because -

and you'll need to as well - because you need to be able to relate

to whatever subject your guests wish to bring up.

That's absolutely right.

Bring up any subject and I'll relate to it.

Very well, the early Chinese renaissance.

I was there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm fully covered.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Terry, I've got a photo of you. We found it online and I love it.

-Before I show the photo, can I just ask you what's your favourite colour?

-Green.

-Green?

OK, well, we found this photo and I don't know

if maybe at this time it might have been beige.

If you think that's beige, you know absolutely nothing.

Oh. It's not green, Terry.

-It's taupe.

-It's taupe.

It IS taupe.

I can't imagine you were ever defeated in hide and seek in your house.

-That's another thing that is valuable for a chat show host.

-Yes.

Blend into the background.

-Exactly. You've certainly done that.

-Yeah.

You must have been frightening your children...

"Jesus, Dad! I didn't see you there."

All you have to do is lie on the sofa. "I've completely disappeared."

Yeah, yeah.

"Jesus Christ! What are you doing?!" "I was just changing this light bulb."

Excuse me, you've portrayed me as a beige eejit.

LAUGHTER

I've portrayed you as a chat show legend who happens to enjoy...

-Beige.

-Taupe.

Now, my audience... This is my audience, Terry.

What do you think of this lot?

They're a mixed crowd.

Yes, they are.

What were the audiences like back in the 1980s, Terry?

I never had anything to do with them.

I wanted to see what your audience was like,

so we've got a shot of your audience, actually.

This is an interview with Michael Caine, which was a splendid interview.

-It's funny, the audience is round behind you.

-Yeah.

I didn't realise that.

-Where did you expect them to be?

-I expected them to be out the front.

They're sideways on. No, they're not round there, they're over there.

-Where are they?

-Look.

See, there's your audience, which,

it's an incredible audience for, erm...

What you're trying to say is

that it's an audience of Terry's old geezers.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, we've got Terry's audience in our audience.

That's actually live, that's a live shot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go to...

This is 1987

and if we can now go to live.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have the Togs.

Don't go, we're going to talk to the Togs.

Talk to the Togs.

Who would you say of all the Togs here - and please, get

involved further down the line - who feels they're Terry's biggest fan?

So you're Terry's biggest fan, there's Terry.

Is there anything you've always wanted to ask Terry?

-Because, erm, he's right here.

-Erm...

And I love the way you're looking at him.

-You are really genuinely his biggest fan.

-Oh, absolutely, yes.

We've met a few times, and erm,

we just want him to carry on.

So I'd like to say, can you carry on as long as you can?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the Togs!

Oh, Terry.

Oh, goodness.

Erm, Terry, you know, this has been just such an immense pleasure

but I hopefully...

Thank you for asking me, it's been fantastic fun.

Thank you for making it such a good evening.

AUDIENCE: Awww.

Terry Wogan, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute pleasure.

Thank you so much, Terry.

Terry Wogan!

SIR Terry Wogan!

WOGAN CHAT SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

It's so fun, by the way, to have this.

This roving chair.

Especially when I'm on this surface.

It's almost balletic, isn't it?

Give us a push, Roycey.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

That was very good.

The funny thing is...

Although I was...

I was all ready to introduce my next guest

but the autocue just says, "check Oliver's phone",

which I think we should do.

And I bet you're just dying to know...

whether you have been...

annoying lately.

I can reveal - and this must be a record for your life, Oliver.

You have 81 texts.

I love it when a plan comes together.

And just off the top I can tell you that Benji Levi, a friend of yours?

He says, "No, you haven't."

Oh, dear.

Who's David Shapira?

-Who's David Shapira?

-He's one of my best, best friends.

I'm not so sure.

LAUGHTER

He says, "Yeah, actually, the last few days

"while Mel was here,

"you were a bit strange.

"I was going to ask you about it."

OK.

Your mother...

has felt the need to respond.

"What have you done?"

-Do you know what, Oliver? I'm sensing a Jewishness here.

-Yes.

I'm sensing that even more because Rabbi Meir has texted.

And I think it perfectly sums up your dedication to your faith

with his text that simply reads,

"Who is this?"

Someone hasn't been going to synagogue, have they, Oliver?

OK.

My next guest went from MySpace to megastar.

She's a multi-award-winning singer-songwriter who has sold

millions and billions and trillions of albums around the world.

She is sensationally talented, I absolutely love her,

it's my absolute pleasure and treat to introduce her.

It's the wonderful, Lily Allen is here!

MUSIC: "LDN" by Lily Allen

-Lily Allen.

-I don't know why you bothered.

-The phone thing, that's a show in itself.

-I know.

Poor Oliver, what a sport.

How are you, Lily? How are you? Thank you for coming on my show.

-I'm really... I'm very well.

-I've seen so much of you recently.

-Yes.

-You been out?

-Promoting an album.

-Are you enjoying yourself, Lily?

Erm, no, I am, yeah. Massively.

-It's really nice being back.

-How does it work, then?

-You write the album.

-Yes.

-Where do you do that?

Do you go away somewhere?

Mmm, sometimes and sometimes I do it at home cos I have children. So...

-You need to be with them.

-I need to, yes. It's important.

-Well, they need feeding and stuff.

-They have to be fed.

I know, cos they're really... Cos if you don't have children,

a lot of young people here, they don't. They have, like, phones.

You know, like, when you drop your phone?

You can't do that with a child.

LAUGHTER

By the way, this is a very American looking chat show.

I know, I didn't know what to do, Lily.

-I just went for the desk and...

-You're doing well, this is...

I didn't want... These fake buildings, I've got.

-What are they made out of, cardboard?

-I don't know, actually, I...

Oh, no, I've just heard in my ear, "Don't ruin it." So...

Have you ever had this thingy? Cos I've never done this.

-Yes, so annoying.

-I've got a person.

It's like I keep wanting to say, "I'll call you back."

-They just keep...

-LAUGHTER

It's so very annoying. It's like shut up. "Hello, I'm on TV."

-I did, erm...

-We can talk about this later.

I did a French show the other day called Le Grand Journal and nobody...

-Le Grand Journal.

-Le Grand Journal.

-Oui.

And I had an earpiece like yours and the guy was talking to me

in French and a translator in my ear, it's like...

-Like the United Nations.

-It was ridiculous.

-Very difficult.

-Yeah.

This is what happens for you because people aren't interested in me

where they don't speak English but you get hits all around the world

and then you have to go and promote.

Actually, I'm a lot more popular around the world than I am here.

That's not true at all!

I happen to know there's a few Togs in the corner.

Big fans of Lily, guys?

Yes!

Any questions for Lily?

"Just don't stop what you're doing."

-Let's talk about business.

-OK.

Let's talk about business and your new album, is that right?

-There is an album, yes.

-It's called...

-Sheezus.

-Sheezus.

Do you want to talk me through that one?

It's called Sheezus, tell me about Sheezus.

It's like the female version of Jesus.

OK, so that's...

-No, I'll be... OK.

-What a coup.

Basically there's a guy called Kanye West

who you may be familiar with,

-he named it Yeezus.

-Yeezus.

And, you know, in my songs,

I, you know, try and talk about pop culture and social...

You know, society in general and for me, he kind of epitomises that.

I think he's, you know, a big character.

-Yeezus is quite a LOL, isn't it? And so I thought, Sheezus.

-It's a nod.

Yeah, it's a nod. I have a lot of respect for him, whether or...

I don't agree with everything that he says

but I really respect that he

believes what he says and says it.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Cos most people, as you'll find out from being a chat show host now,

will come on here and just go,

"Uh-huh, yeah, I love everything and everyone

"and everything's amazing." Kanye doesn't do that and neither do I.

So that's why I'm Sheezus and he's Yeezus.

LAUGHTER

You're definitely the female Jesus. Congratulations.

-I wanted to talk about your song Air Balloon.

-Yeah.

Because there's a great...

there's a great bit in that when you're just making sounds.

I'm very interested in sounds, like when you go...

BOTH: Na-na-na-na-na-na mmmm.

We've got it. Can we show it?

-So annoying!

-Cos it's very... I like it.

# Sing, sing along, along any song you want to

# Now we're so high, it can't rain

# Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon

# Ha!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na mmmm

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na mmmm. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Na-na-na-na-na mmmm!

Can you do the "Mmmm", Togs? Na-na-na-na-na-na...

TOGS: Mmmm.

Anyway, there's a new song, by the way and it's called Our Time

and I'm in a video dressed as five different mes.

-And one of me is a hot dog.

-There it is, look.

-Ah, yes, there you go.

My goodness.

-Na-na-na-na-na-na mmmm.

-Mmmm!

Anyway, you can now pre-order Sheezus,

the album that's got that video,

-the other video, you know, it's all there. It's coming.

-When does...

-May the 5th.

-May the 5th. So tell me about you around the world, then,

-global Lily.

-Global Lily.

-Tell me about global Lily.

-My biggest...

-My biggest territ... Shall we...?

-Yes, I love the word territory.

My territories are France and Australia.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Woo!

-Quite big.

-But you don't... Hang on. Something happened.

-Was it France or Australia?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Australia!

-HE MIMICS HER

-"Australia!"

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT

-You all right? How you going?

-Good, thanks.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-You from Australia?

-I am from Australia.

Yeah, but that's what happens, Lily, is when people hear where

they're from when they're not there, they go, "Woo!"

But strangely, when they're in the place they're from

and they meet someone from where they're from,

which happens every day, they don't go, "Woo!"

They're not in the supermarket going, "Where you from?" "Australia."

"Me too, woo!"

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT

-You do a good Australian accent, I've heard it.

-I do an all right Australian accent.

-They say, "How you going?" over there.

-"How you going, Lily? So nice to have you on the show today."

-Yeah.

-Yeah, so...

-"Hewyou gaing." It's amazing. You've got that down.

-Seriously, though.

-But it's very hard to change...

-Yeah.

-..to New Zealand, cos New Zealand?

-New Zailand?

-You can shift!

IN NEW ZEALAND ACCENT New Zailand has, like, a slightly different infliction.

It's strange, I don't...

It's very difficult to do one followed by the other.

-I would have thought impossible.

-Well, I did it.

That was amazing, Lily Allen, she can shift!

And thank you, goodbye!

"How you going?" I didn't know about this "How you going?" thing

and I did some gigs in Australia a couple of months ago

and I was in the airport...

-So you're a global star, too.

-Just a bit of Australia(!)

And New Zealand.

I was at the airport getting on an internal flight, checking in,

going to Melbourne and I was in Perth.

They just went, "How you going?" And I was like...

"I thought the aeroplane".

LAUGHTER

I mean, how many clues do you need, darling?

I've just given you my passport in an airport.

-So, 'Stralia's huge for you.

-'Stralia's big.

-So you've played...

The first time you went there, it must have been just crazy

because you've gone all the way, cos it takes forever.

You know what, I was a bit hesitant about Australia

cos let's be honest, Australians, apart from you...

(in London, quite annoying.) But...

LAUGHTER

You know, I kind of think Walkabout ends...

The thought that they had their own country made you tense.

I was like, "Oh, God, Australia".

Then I got there and they're actually really nice IN Australia!

Are you suggesting all the annoying ones came here?

I don't know, I think maybe because it's so far away,

maybe they feel like when they're here,

they've just got to be REALLY AUSTRALIAN, you know?

"I'VE COME ALL THIS WAY! LET'S HAVE A BARBIE!"

APPLAUSE

But they're lovely people, we need to establish that.

-It's a beautiful country.

-Lily, thank you again for coming on.

Absolute pleasure. Thank you for having me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give all your love for the wonderful Lily Allen.

What an absolute pleasure and treat. Lily Allen.

Lily was here! Thank you, darling.

Lily Allen, we love Lily!

APPLAUSE

So let's just have a check of how Oliver has been getting on

and, oh...

We've had some more interest.

Danielle sister...

-Is that your sister?

-Yes.

-Classic from your sister -

"Why just lately? You're always annoying."

LAUGHTER

Er, um...

Who's Shamuly? Schmuly?

He's a good friend of, actually, this girl, Sarah.

And you what, just steal numbers from other people's phones?

No, he says, "No, what are you, a nine-year-old girl?

"Why the sudden insecurity?"

LAUGHTER

Avi Korman is the most perceptive person here - who's Avi?

He's a good friend of mine.

Avi Korman says, "Has someone jacked your phone?"

LAUGHTER

And there's ANOTHER rabbi.

-Rabbi Hulbertstad.

-Oh!

How many rabbis are you not seeing?

He says the same thing.

"I have a new phone, don't have all the contacts - who is this?"

OK, all right. I feel like...

Oh, my goodness, this one can't go out on the BBC.

-Who's Joseph Makata?

-Me.

LAUGHTER

Joseph, who is Oliver's friend who's sitting next to him

has actually texted me,

-"You

-BLEEP!"

LAUGHTER

Is there a prize, because we need to give this person... We...

Oh, that's so nice. We're going to give you a lift to synagogue.

My next guest has had an incredible journey from barrow boy to

business tycoon to TV treasure.

He is the founder of Amscreen, Amshold, Amsprop,

Amsair, Amserve, Amstrad

and his number plate is AMS 1.

Please welcome the magnate formerly known as Alan,

then briefly as Sir Alan,

it's Lord Sugar!

"THE APPRENTICE" THEME TUNE

Lord Sugar one more time, ladies and gentlemen, how exciting is this?

How exciting is this?

-How does this feel to you, having all this acclaim?

-Quite nice.

No, it's very nice.

It's better than being the chairman of a football club.

I used to get a little bit of abuse when I walked in the street then.

Since I did this Apprentice programme, now it's...

It's much nicer.

I suppose you could have not foreseen any of this.

When you turn on the television and see Nick Hewer co-hosting Countdown...

How does that make you feel? It must be bizarre.

-I mean, what is Nick Hewer to you?

-Well, he's a mate.

Nick was my PR consultant for...

I can't remember how many years, I don't know, 30-odd years.

Anyway, when I got asked to do this Apprentice thing, they said,

"You need a sidekick, someone over here and someone over there".

And I said, "Well, let's have Nick".

And he said, "No, no, no, I couldn't possibly.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly do this. It's not for me."

Now, he's a bleeding diva!

I mean... He will go to an opening of an envelope.

He's a lovely bloke and he'll do anything for me

and I will do... quite a lot for him...

We've been together for quite...

So now he's on Countdown and they go P... R...

And you're thinking, "Yeah, you should do some."

Your life has been absolutely remarkable and what fascinates me

a lot is how many different elements there have been to your life.

You've had to deal and relate to so many different types of people,

-how do you manage to do that?

-Well, it's an interesting point.

Some of my friends say to me that they admire the manner in which

I can adapt with the different company that I'm in.

Notice how I'm doing so well now.

LAUGHTER

Despite your demeanour!

LAUGHTER

WOGAN THEME TUNE PLAYS

APPLAUSE

MUSIC STOPS

But you're right, I used to deal in the markets in the early days,

then I started dealing with the banks

and you had to speak to bank people in a different way.

Suddenly I bought a football club

and you're down in the dressing room talking to the manager

and you're effing and blinding and talking all the usual kind of stuff.

Then you're out of there and you're suddenly...

One day I got invited for lunch with the Queen.

Yeah.

-That deserves a sound effect.

-ALL: Oooh!

No. Erm...

Anyway, I get there

and there is only me, Wendy Craig the actress,

lovely actress, and some other bloke who I've forgotten about.

-There's the Queen...

-Prince Philip. No!

No, Prince Philip, he's sat next to me and he was chatting to me.

He's a bundle of fun, isn't he?

LAUGHTER

Anyway...erm... He said, "And what business are you in, Mr Sugar?"

I said, "I'm in the computer business". He said, "Right".

"I'm trying to buy a computer printer, they don't make them in England".

I said, "They do. I do."

He says, "No, you don't." I said, "Oh, fucking hell".

-"OK, we don't. Fair enough."

-Have you been invited back?

Er, no.

Well, I did.

She knighted me and when I got knighted,

England had lost to Portugal in a football match.

And she said to me,

"I understand that you're involved in the football business".

I was at the time chairman of Spurs.

I said, "Your Majesty, we shouldn't really talk about that

"considering last night's disgusting result with Portugal".

To which she said, "You're quite right.

"They should have played Beckham behind the front two..."

LAUGHTER DROWNS ANECDOTE

OK.

We've got a photo of you as a baby which I wanted to show

so that we can disarm you slightly.

Isn't that sweet? Doesn't that help?

When I got nervous about interviewing you, they sent me that.

That's you actually smiling. Was that the last...?

-First and last time.

-Maybe it was wind.

Probably wind.

Even that was wind, as you say!

First and last time. From then on, it was, "Right, Mum, you're fired!"

That's another thing I wanted to ask you.

Why are you firing people who are interviewing for a job?

Isn't that jumping the gun slightly?

Sorry?

You're firing people on the show, but you haven't employed them yet.

-Yes...

-You don't go for a job interview,

say, "I'd like to work here as a waiter". "You're fired", "Well..."

"Pack up your things." "What things? I've just walked in here."

This is something that an experienced executive that

-works for the BBC, like you should know, it's called a format.

-Ah!

-I am an executive at the BBC, you're right.

-This is thrust upon me.

-Ah, yes, OK.

-I would normally say to them, "Piss off."

In fact, we are contractually obliged to say, "You're fired".

Because it wouldn't sound as dramatic if you went,

"We'll let you know".

You're absolutely right.

We watch this incredibly well produced show.

The way that London looks and the glamour.

We've got a picture of your old office here.

I've... I've sold that now, to a hotel chain.

-You can probably see in the corner, this is now a Premier Inn!

-Yeah.

-So where was your office here?

-Right on the top floor.

This was your actual boardroom?

Now Lenny Henry is in here...

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I think the window is open, Lenny needs some air.

We converted it into a hotel and we sold it or let it to these people.

-These Premier Inn people.

-So you still own the building?

-Oh, yes.

It's the reality of the workplace.

We had a lot of people in that building.

A lot of people made a load of money in that building.

-It was a bit like the Wolf of Wall Street in there.

-Er, well...

Come on! You had some parties in there!

I remember one night you were hanging out, completely naked,

champagne, "Hey!

"Another hundred million!"

Not quite.

Maybe not. I was just suggesting that.

LAUGHTER

-No, no.

-I just wanted to show a clip.

I'm a huge fan of The Apprentice, as so many people are.

I wanted to show this simply because it's hilarious

and we all get the giggles.

Have you ever got the giggles, actually?

In your life?

Sometimes.

Once I thought I was amused, but I was mistaken.

LAUGHTER

Show it. Show it.

You once thought you were amused...

This, genuinely, I was crying with laughter on my own.

My wife had already fallen asleep... Not because of the show!

Because of the children. She was up with the baby.

Oh, that sounded terrible.

Anyway, you'll enjoy this, it's absolutely hysterical.

If I do the second one here,

you'll see how easy that is.

Look where you've got the bloody thing resting on.

It's possible if you move house, you can just put it in the car

or just put it under your bed...

Behind the sofa... Anywhere.

There we go. Have a look at that.

LAUGHTER

You can really enjoy yourself, just jump on it and start jumping away.

If you're a young child, you can do this.

If you're an adult, you can have fun.

It really is very easy just to unscrew the legs.

You can see how quickly it took me to take that off.

What are you bloody doing?

APPLAUSE

So good. So funny.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please join me in thanking the wonderful Lord Alan Sugar!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Lord Sugar. An absolute pleasure.

OK, now we have to end all this. Please, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome down an absolutely amazing sport tonight, the fantastic Oliver,

without whom none of this would have been possible.

Oliver, thank you so much.

Oliver, ladies and gentlemen.

Seriously, you are an absolute legend, thank you very much.

What I thought we'd do was take a little photo of ourselves to

explain that this has been a joke.

We are looking cool!

That's good, OK.

APPLAUSE

I'm going to... OK, we'll send this.

"This has all been a joke, by the comedian Michael McIntyre.

"Pictured."

Send to all. Ladies and gentleman...

And I have a prize for you!

Everybody who comes on our show, of course, is given

their Send To All telephone!

WHOOPING

-Very many congratulations.

-Thank you.

-Oliver, thank you very much!

Please, let's thank Sir Terry Wogan...

Lily Allen...

And the wonderful Lord Sugar was here!

CHEERING

Join me next week when I'll be joined by Sir David Jason,

Abbey Clancy and Jeremy Clarkson.

Until then, thank you for watching, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE