Episode 2 The Michael McIntyre Chat Show

This programme contains some strong language.

OK, I'll bring my guests out, I'll be behind here, you know the system.

Is Paul here tonight? I'm quite excited. You are!

MICHAEL LAUGHS AUDIENCE CHEERS

-How are you?

-Yeah, good.

-Have you been recognised this week?

-A few people.

-Has that really happened?

-In this building. Yeah.

-Just in...

-In this building, yeah.

Paul, that's supposed to happen anyway.

You work in this building.

So no-one in the street has noticed? Oh.

-ALL:

-Aw...!

But he's on the show again.

Maybe if you say something funny...

Sorry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On tonight's show -

Jeremy Clarkson,

Abbey Clancy

and Sir David Jason.

But now, please welcome your host, Mr Michael McIntyre.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right. All right. All right.

Calm yourselves. Very good. Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gent...

Oh, sorry, they've already told me to stand back!

Apparently, I was too close.

You know we did our first show last week, so I'm new to everything.

Did you notice? I was too close. I started the show last week...

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-SINISTER VOICE:

-Welcome to my shooowww!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Where do you want me?

This is a bit shi...

It's a bit IKEA, isn't it?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to The Michael McIntyre Chat Show.

Yes, this is my chat show.

It's a late night chat show

and thank you very much at home for staying up -

any later, there'd be someone doing sign language in that corner.

As you may have noticed, this show -

and you certainly would have noticed

if you are watching at home,

we're on after the news -

we're on after the regional news.

My favourite regional newsreader is from BBC London

and this is a picture of him.

Do you recognise this man from the BBC?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

It makes me laugh... I don't know if you share my sense of humour.

But it makes me laugh every time it starts because of his name -

it's as childish as that - but this is his name.

A very good evening, I'm Asad Ahmad.

Every time I watch that I go,

"Don't be sad, Ahmad."

"Maybe news reading isn't your thing."

OK. My first guest is a true global phenomenon.

His television show is viewed in 174 countries,

making it the making it the most watched factual TV programme on the planet.

He's the top presenter of the top show

that's at the top of the TV charts.

Please welcome a man at the very top of his game -

yes, it's Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson.

TOP GEAR THEME MUSIC

Jeremy Clarkson is here, isn't that exciting?

CHEERING

It is even more exciting because you've come a long way.

I have. I came from Holland Park.

But before that I was in Australia.

-But I'm here.

-This is part of the tour?

-Yes.

-Tell me about it.

I hear you go on these tours, but I don't know what that entails.

Cars go around and around in circles and stuff blows up.

People like it though and we take it around the world.

Only on the basis that we can behave like rock stars.

The three of us have no talent at all. None whatsoever.

-That isn't true.

-No, we really don't.

We can't play an instrument, we can't sing, we can't do anything.

But we live like rock gods!

We have super yachts with helicopters on the back of them.

-Not licence fee money!

-Is this true?

-Yes.

So, this rock star thing... Living like rock stars.

Do you get treated like it?

Are there fanatics... Do you have groupies, and things?

Not... Well, there are groupies,

but they send to wear Subaru jackets and they're called Wayne.

Not groupies like Mick Jagger would ever have had.

"Y'all right, Jezza?"

That's the level of it, really.

This is on account of the fact that your show is on, what,

their channels, or is it on BBC Worldwide?

It's on obscure channels in places. It's on everywhere.

There's no escape.

It's mostly, I suspect, businessmen watching in hotels

because they can't watch pornography

because it'll show up on the bill.

So it's like this...

Sometimes it doesn't show up on the bill.

Pornography?

Because it warns you, it says, "This will show up as Room Service One."

But everybody knows that Room Service One means strong pornography.

-You take it to your boss and it says Room Service One...

-I know. I know.

There's no film called Room Service One.

-How often do you do these tours?

-A lot. A lot.

That's how we live.

We have to come back and make this annoying show.

Not YOUR show - our show!

Bit early to turn on me!

Then you have to come back and go and do Top Gear.

-This could never have been a plan of yours?

-No.

Beyond your wildest dreams.

If someone said, would you like to fill a football stadium? God, yes!

Cos I've got footage of your first ever Top Gear appearance.

Oh, God, jetlag's just caught up with my bowels, so...!

Oh, God, that actually hurt.

I've never seen this.

-So this is your very first Top Gear appearance.

-Oh, God...!

Customising has been a very dirty word.

You customise a Ford Capri,

you do not customise a modern day Bentley or Rolls-Royce.

What Hooper, bespoke coach builders for more than a century, do

is Hooperise them.

It began life as a pretty standard Bentley Turbo R with four doors

and has been converted into a "two-door coupe" -

with one long door on either side.

That means there's pretty substantial alterations

between here and here.

"YAWNS" LOUDLY

That accent is incredible, isn't it?

I asked the researchers to try and find when you started to become

-more the Clarkson we...we recognise today.

-"..in the world."

Three years later they came up with this footage.

Well, that may be the case for the F-40,

but what about the 348 here?

It only costs a miserable £76,000.

Surely you could live with one of these every day of the week.

-So...

-Sorry.

There's an evolution.

Well, the hair had certainly evolved.

That was a last ditch "You're going bald in a minute, matey-boy."

-This is three years.

-Yeah.

So you're able to just wear what you liked, obviously, at this point...?

LAUGHTER

-But this was an early Top Gear, was it?

-Yeah.

When did Top Gear become revolutionised?

It changed in 2002 into what it is now, with May and Hammond.

Well, not May, the first series,

because he was lost, or he drove so slowly he didn't get there till...

the second series started.

But, yes, it started in 2002.

-And you cast them, didn't you?

-I cast Hammond.

I'd known May for a long time.

Bless him, life wasn't going too well for him.

I found him on the streets of Bath, actually drinking meths

and rambling incoherently...

about Second World War aeroplanes.

We managed to tidy him up a bit, get him off the meths

and he's not a bad presenter now, with editing.

Tell me about it!

LAUGHTER

But your accent and your intonations are, you know,

what make you so, well, so hilarious and...yourself.

What, the "pause...in the world"?

When did that happen?

That's because when you go to do voiceover,

you do the voiceover lines

and getting your breathing right

if you smoke a lot's really tricky.

So "This is the fastest car in the world" -

it's really hard for a smoker to do that.

"It's the fastest car... in the world."

That's brilliant!

It is your fortune! It is your fortune!

-It's just smoking.

-Smoking? Smoking?

I can't talk for a long time... without taking the pause.

So I've got some questions for you, if you don't mind, about driving.

Just things I want you to clear up.

-The amber light...

-Yeah.

-You know the red and the green's separated by the amber one?

-It is.

This is kind of basic...

Yes, but it's something I've always wanted to ask someone who'd know.

What is it for, that one? The yellow one?

It's to warn you that something else is about to happen.

If it just went red-green, like they have in France,

everybody's killed - like happens in France.

If you're driving towards it and it goes yellow,

my wife thinks that means stop,

and I think it means hurry up before it goes red.

So which is it?

It's either.

You're given the choice.

You can choose. You know you've got to do something...

The control is in the driver's hands.

Your wife thinks she has to stop,

you think you have to speed up,

but at least you know you must do something.

If you're there and it's red and suddenly it went green...

-That's right.

-..it would be a disaster.

There's another one where it flashes yellow

and the pedestrians, they don't know if it's them,

the driver's, "Is it me?"

And you just look at each other - "I don't know."

The driver's, "I don't know either."

It's a very confusing moment.

I wanted to talk about road crossings.

How are you as a pedestrian, as opposed to a driver?

Oh, I'm fine at crossing the road, but I use my ears,

and this is where I get in a terrible tangle sometimes with cyclists.

I had Green Cross Code, "Look left, right..."

I haven't got time for all that.

I walk out and there's INVARIABLY a cyclist coming.

And THEN you hear them - God, they shout!

And then they go past, shaking their head.

They go away doing that...

Or they look back.

That's a great look.

My chair hasn't got wheels on, but, yes!

That's... Yes!

Have you seen the new crossings that have the timers?

Oh, they're brilliant. They're really good.

You can get it into first and ready to go - I love those!

-Can you see the time as a motorist?

-Yeah, yeah.

Because they're for pedestrians, really.

-It is not a countdown like at Grand Prix.

-It is!

You are not there going, it's - Go! Go! Go!

This was on the news the other day

when they were talking about how long

it takes the elderly to get across a road,

and should pedestrian lights be longer?

Should they take longer?

"Because motorists rev their engines" - I've NEVER seen that happen.

I've never seen a car driver going - Rrrrrrrm...

"Get out of the way, old woman!"

It only happens in the mind of Jeremy Vine.

You can see it - I don't know if it's 25 seconds or 30 seconds...

It's plenty. You could crawl across!

But it's when there's only seven seconds left,

and you can see an old person thinking, "Can I do it in seven?"

And they just set off,

and you can see the clock and... and it's gone,

and they're nowhere near and they're like,

"I thought I could do it in seven."

The thing is, here I am, you're there - I'm in my car,

I'm not going to say, "Well, ... you. I'm going to run you down."

"You're an old person, you fought in the war, off you go."

That's very kind of you. Because what do is, I rush the first bit,

and then I just spend some time in the middle.

You'd get knocked down.

Idiot. You idiot.

So what I've noticed on my travels -

and you will have obviously noticed this on your travels -

is the green man and the red man when you're crossing the road.

So there's the red man, he's put weight on!

And there's the green man setting off.

-But around the world this changes.

-Yeah.

So, in America... It's very literal in America.

They don't have anyone speaking other languages there,

which is why American cars always have what it is

written on the switches.

It says cigarette lighter, horn, light...

Whereas everywhere else in the world,

where there are other languages, it's symbols.

That's just how stupid they are!

LAUGHTER

They are very literal like that.

It's like they call glasses - or spectacles - eye glasses.

They have to specify where they go on your face.

Every other word is wrong. I mean, vest. No. Pants. No.

When it gets to cars -

sedan, hood, fender, freeway, interstate, sidewalk...

-Trunk.

-Trunk.

Trunk is on the front of an elephant, not on the back of a saloon car,

but they have no idea.

Gas... Gas!

They call a liquid "gas"!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mental.

In France.

I love this one.

This is... How cool!

This guy is in, like, a tailored...

a perfectly tailored suit.

He's just the coolest guy.

"I will cross when I want to."

Then he just sets off, he's the most relaxed. "OK..."

This is Germany.

Look at that.

-SHOUTS:

-Nobody Move!

Let us go!

Do you know what's really annoying about all this?

We've been doing Top Gear for 11 years

and never thought to bring that up

and you have on only your second show!

And it isn't even a car show.

WILD CHEERING

Jeremy, it's been amazing, you coming in with all this jet lag.

You've been wonderful and hilarious...

Oh, it's just a joy to see a man starting out in his career.

Ladies and gentlemen, the absolutely fantastic Mr Jeremy Clarkson!

Thank you, everybody. Thank you, thank you.

-Thank you so much. That was really, really brilliant.

-Pleasure.

-Hilarious.

-Thank you very much.

-Jeremy Clarkson!

-Thank you so much.

Right.

OK, if you saw the show last week,

you'll know I played a game with someone in the audience,

and I've had a lot of very good feedback about this

and I'd very much like to do it again.

But, of course, it depends on you!

This was the Send To All game that led to so much hilarity.

So what I'm looking for now is a volunteer

who'll give me their mobile phone.

If you'll raise your hand.

We've got a bloke here.

What's your name?

-Andrew.

-Where you from?

-I'm from Liverpool.

-MIMICS ACCENT:

-Liverpool.

Thank you so much for this.

We'll have a lot of fun, and it'll all work out in the end.

Ladies and gentlemen, a huge hand for the very, very generous Andrew!

RIGHT, so here I have your phone.

What do you do for a living?

I work at the National Physical Laboratory, as a scientist.

ALL: Ooooh...!

It's amazing, you never know what occupation

is going to get a whoop from an audience.

-What you do for a living?

-I'm a student.

Nothing.

Why don't you elaborate slightly on what kind of science?

Well, the National Physical Laboratory

is the national measurement institute.

So it makes sure a kilogram is a kilogram, a metre is a metre.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no...!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

No. You've got, like, a weighing machine?

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much.

I don't understand.

You went to John Lewis, you bought some scales,

and now you're telling people...

"I'm basically a scientist."

"Did you see what happened? I put a kilo of flour, which I bought,

"and I put on top of the weighing machine and it says a kilo."

"Well, that's me. I'm basically a scientist."

APPLAUSE

I don't understand!

Do you just get a tape measure...

"Yeah, that's a metre."

"I've over qualified!"

You've got a very confusing job.

Are you in a relationship?

-Yeah, I'm engaged.

-Aw, that's very sweet.

Erm, to...?

Nina.

Nina.

Nina. I like the name Nina.

It's a bit like a siren - Nina. Nina.

There's a newsreader called Nina Nanar.

What kind of a name is that?

Who would name their child Ni-na Na-nar?

Maybe when they were naming her there was an ambulance going past.

"I like the sound of that!"

"Shall we go for Barbara or Nina Nanar?"

Oh, bless you for having Mary Berry's app!

Oh, you're adorable!

Does she come to you for measurements?

-MIMICS MARY:

-"Andrew, I am making a cake at the moment,

"how much flour is it, again?"

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-"Well, according to my calculations,

"it's EXACTLY one kilogram."

"Well, it's so lovely to speak to an actual scientist about this!"

OK. So the text message I'm going to write into Andrew's phone

and send to all of his contacts is,

"You and me need to spend more time together.

"This weekend, I'll hire a car and we'll just drive."

You...and me...

need to spend...

more...time...together.

"This weekend, I'll hire a car and we'll just drive."

And then I'll go - "You in?"

OK, so I'm going to send that.

Ladies and gentlemen, a huge hand for the very generous and wonderful

Andrew from Liverpool!

Thank you very much. Thank you!

My next guest is the sultry, seductive, Scouse sensation

who went from runway to rumba.

She's a lingerie model, fashion designer

and the reigning champion of Strictly Come Dancing -

please welcome the beautiful, wonderful, fabulous,

wondrous, glorious...

It's Abbey Clancy!

Abbey, darling, thank you for coming on my show.

Abbey Clancy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Abbey, darling, thank you for being here.

-Thanks for having me.

Abbey, congratulations.

-Strictly Come Dancing was just amazing.

-Amazing.

It was the most incredible experience I have ever had,

learning how to dance.

Had you danced at all before?

No. I used to do dancing when I was a little girl,

but I got thrown out for just looking in the mirror and fixing my hair.

It was just incredible. I loved it and did not expect to get so far.

Why do people love it so much? It is as if they get almost hypnotised.

You see them when they are standing and being judged.

They are out of breath and it's always very tactile

and they love each other so much and they look into each other's eyes

and say, "I love you so much,"

-and they have been training for three days!

-I know!

It is so weird. It completely takes over your life.

-It's amazing.

-Incredibly intense.

-It is intense.

-How many hours a week?

-I was doing seven hours a day.

-No!

-Yeah.

-Every day?

-Every day, yeah.

-Seven hours?

-Mm.

-That's too long!

-Ten till six, I did.

-And who was your partner?

-Aljaz.

This was my favourite dance. Amazing.

This is when I wanted you to win, when I saw this.

I was very firm on it in my house. I could not believe it.

-Which one is it?

-When you got all tens.

-Is it a Latin dance?

-It is a Latin dance.

-A salsa.

-I like that one cos there's lots of moving.

I don't like the one where you just walk around like that.

That is the one I love, the tango!

LAUGHTER

Your posture is all wrong, Michael.

I think that was shit.

I like the ones where... I don't think the men do much, am I wrong?

The men just do this sort of...

LAUGHTER

And then they just point at the girl.

"You do it. I'm just going to do this."

What is this shit anyway? What is this?

-That's fabulous!

-Do they walk like that all the time?

They do, actually.

It is such a weird way to behave.

APPLAUSE

You should go on Strictly. You'd win it with them moves.

-Please go on it, I'll vote for you.

-It is exhausting!

-This is my favourite one. It was magical.

-Let me see.

APPLAUSE

-You were incredible.

-I think it was the curly wig.

Does it excite you that you can do that? Are you going to keep it up?

You can do that. The music can start and you can do that.

I can only do that dance.

I don't know any other salsa dances.

That's enough!

People say, "Do you want to keep it up?" Where would I go?

To the local salsa club and say,

"I won Strictly, so I can just come in and be a professional."

So tell me about... Apparently, you are involved,

this sounds like I'm being a pervert,

but apparently this is something

-you wanted to talk about so I...

-I wanted to talk about?

They tell me you are doing a campaign.

I felt very uncomfortable to be the one sitting here saying,

"Tell me about lingerie, Abbey."

They said you wanted to talk about it.

I said I don't want to talk about lingerie!

-I didn't want to talk about it, you did.

-I never mentioned it.

I find lingerie... Lingerie is the most embarrassing subject.

I cannot get into lingerie. That came out wrong!

That is funny. That is funny.

-It is very embarrassing. I can't even say it. Lingerie.

-Lingerie.

So... You advertise it, lingerie, Ultimo, is that right?

-Yes.

-And you are the face/body of it?

-Yeah.

-You're the Ultimo person.

There it is!

That is you just after the Top Gear recording!

LAUGHTER

-MIMICS JEREMY CLARKSON:

-Get into...my car.

Do you design this? Take it off.

No, not take it off, I mean...

LAUGHTER

Take the picture off.

Tell me your involvement in the campaign.

-I don't design it, I just model it.

-Right, OK.

But how do you manage?

Who is photographed more than you?

You are being photographed an awful... Today.

Tell me about your day-to-day.

OK, so today, you cannot open the blinds

because there are 15 paparazzi outside.

My daughter said, "Those men are there again, taking pictures."

It's insane. It drives me mad.

-What time do they get in?

-They sit there all day.

I'm taking the baby to nursery, going to Tesco. I'm going to work.

It is the same picture, different outfit.

Today I wanted to go to the park with the baby and get an ice cream

and it's difficult when you have got ten men in the kids' park with you.

-It's a bit weird.

-Very weird.

But then I've had a really happy career, so I can't complain.

-You just have to balance the two.

-Selfies. You do some selfies.

I don't know anything about selfies.

-It is a very strange world, the selfie.

-I know, it's weird.

People talk about selfies all the time.

What is the big deal of someone holding up a camera

and taking a picture of themselves?

I only do it because other people do it. I hate pictures of meself.

But you get a chance to choose it, though.

It takes about three hours to get the selfie right.

You are in a house surrounded by paparazzi

and you're inside, photographing your own face!

LAUGHTER I know! I know.

APPLAUSE

I know, it's weird, it's bizarre.

We have some selfies taken by you. This is taken by your own arm.

-This is what I'm talking about.

-This is a drunk picture.

Pete's pouting more than I am!

-What is Peter doing there?

-He is pouting. He's pouting.

How do you pout?

-Can you show me?

-Oh, my God, that is remarkable!

So, this...

This is what they have done for us.

Apparently, this is my phone.

OK, so... AAAAGH!

CHEERING

Right. You have to tell me what to do.

-How far away?

-Chin down a bit.

-Chin down.

Oh, yes, you are right.

-My chins bunch up.

-Put your head out a bit and you will lose all that.

I have lost weight!

This is amazing!

Head out.

Chin down. Pout your lips.

Perfect.

-Amazing!

-Is that good?

LAUGHTER

All right.

Let's come round.

Don't take one of me. I look horrendous!

This is great.

This should be on the Daily Mail website by midnight.

-Are you pouting?

-Of course! What else do you think I'm doing?

I'm not eating pasta.

That is awesome! Brilliant.

-Look at that!

-APPLAUSE

Abbey Clancy, thank you so, so very much for coming on the show.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful,

wonderful, darling... Thank you so much. Abbey Clancy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, OK, now...

Of course, we have a phone here that belongs to Andrew.

We had better check in.

A quick reminder of the text I sent out, which was,

"You and me need to spend more time together.

"This weekend, I'll hire a car and we'll just drive.

"Are you in?"

Well, I can tell you, Andrew, that 31 people have responded.

LAUGHTER

I think I might come to you, actually. You're too far away.

We have somebody called Tara.

-A work colleague.

-A work colleague.

OK, well, um...

She's in. She says, "Yeah, that sounds good."

You might have some explaining to do there.

-Richard Miller, friend of yours?

-A good friend.

-Is he from Liverpool?

-He is from Newcastle.

-Newcastle!

He has just done, "Mate, are you pissed?"

LAUGHTER

It's actually a really good one.

He's gone, "Mate, RU pissed?

"I'd never go anywhere without planning a route first."

LAUGHTER

Oh, my goodness. Kenny is so up for this. Who is Kenny?

He was meant to be coming tonight.

Kenny's like, "Sure, I'll be busy Saturday but Sunday is good for me."

Then it's got a follow up text.

-"Also, FYI, trains to Teddington are a bit

-BLEEP

-at the moment.

"Something about a damaged bridge.

"Might be sorted by the time you're heading back, though."

LAUGHTER

Nina. Who's Nina?

-Oh, Nina, of course, is your fiancee.

-Yeah.

Oh, sweet! No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Nina, your fiancee. Is she from Liverpool?

-No, she's from Wales.

-She's gone...

-WELSH ACCENT:

-"Where are we going?

"I'm in, but you're paying."

That's so sweet.

OK. Somebody called Jay Mac.

He's gone, "Hmmm.

"Sounds tempting, but could do with knowing A, who are you,

"and B, Can you drive?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Very good.

Big round of applause. This is awesome.

I love it all!

All right.

My next guest is acting royalty.

He is arguably the biggest star in British television history.

And he put the phrase "lovely jubbly"

into the Oxford English dictionary.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the icon

and living legend that is Sir David Jason.

MUSIC: "Theme from Only Fools And Horses"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Out of your seat! Everybody up!

David Jason. Come on!

APPLAUSE

Cor, what a welcome, I'll come again, I think!

I can't tell you what an absolute pleasure to have you here.

-And for me, love.

-It's really incredible.

-So, you are a Knight of the Realm.

-Yes.

I want to know how it works.

How do you become a Knight of the Realm?

Do they write to you or something, you have to keep it a secret?

Just, you know, the sheer talent and weightiness of it.

Humility and good works and being a mate of the Queen does help, yeah.

No, I don't know, I really don't know.

I just got a letter, saying, "from Number Ten Downing Street."

-Did you have to sign for it?

-No!

It was just on the mat?

There isn't some guy with a big top hat going, "Sign this?"

No. It was just a letter with a nice little logo, I can't remember

-if it was on the back, but it does say 10 Downing Street.

-Lovely.

You go, hello, this is something...

-IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-This is proper, this ain't no gas bill!

-No!

LAUGHTER

-Oi-oi!

-Yeah.

I might sit down for this one!

-How very exciting. So you accept that.

-Yeah.

I don't really know what it means. Are you a knight?

Do you get called upon in war and stuff?

I mean, if there is a war out there...

Bloody hell, I hope not!

Is it you and Bruce Forsyth and Wogan?

Yeah. We'll all go into battle.

"Hello, it's me, I'm Wogan! Wahey!"

APPLAUSE

"They don't like it up 'em. They don't like it up 'em, sir!"

LAUGHTER

So there's a real excitement

-because you've done a sketch for Sport Relief.

-Yes, I have.

Are you aware of this?

-You've revived Only Fools and Horses.

-Yeah.

-You haven't done this for how long?

-You tell me, I don't know.

20 odd years.

Had you intended to ever do it again,

-had you pretty much said goodbye to it?

-No, we didn't.

I never did because, as you know, unfortunately, bless him,

John Sullivan, the creator of it all,

he very unfortunately died. As he...

As Nick Lyndhurst used to say, John Sullivan made the ammunition

and we just fired it.

So he was the brains behind the whole thing.

-Did he sing the theme tune as well?

-Yes, he did.

-That's amazing.

-I don't know any writer who's done a theme tune.

-Multi-talented.

Like you and me, multi-talented, mate.

So who wrote this sketch?

Apparently it was part of some notes that John had left in his,

you know, in his desk.

It was re-put together by his two sons, Jim and Dan.

But what had happened is

they wanted to do something for this Sport Relief.

They got a hold of David Beckham and they said, you know,

would he do something? He said yes.

During the course of the conversation he said he'd always wanted to

work with... He loved the show Fools and Horses,

and it would be great if you could do something with me and Nick.

So then the grapevine, as they do, it all started to work...

It came from Beckham?

Apparently, yes.

How does it feel for you then, reviving Del Boy?

Well, once I'd read the script that they intended to do

and I said yes, I would do it.

It smacked so much of Sullivan that I said, "Yeah, we'll do it."

And so when I got together with Nick for the first run through,

it came back like that.

As soon as I put on the gear and started to look at the script,

back it came!

He's as daft as a brush, but he's lovable, we like him.

He's a cheeky chappie.

As soon as you start putting the things together,

like, you know, he becomes a dopey bloke that you love.

He makes us all laugh.

And he's in the room with us right now!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've got an absolute treat, ladies and gentlemen.

We can show a very small snippet of this Sport Relief sketch,

which is this Friday, the revival of Only Fools and Horses.

-Why are you wearing them glasses?

-These?

-Yes.

To be honest, I thought that, you know, if I was to wear these, no-one

would recognise me and I could be a little bit, you know, incognitive.

Yeah, good thinking.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's going to be amazing.

I'm interested in... Some of the comedy of Del Boy

was a lot of these French phrases that would come up.

Quite an interesting and very funny characteristic trait that he had.

He would just get things wrong all the time and struggle.

-Where did that come from?

-That basically was John Sullivan.

He wrote... In one of the episodes,

he said Del Boy would use a bit of French.

Rodney said, "You learn your French out of a Renault handbook."

I remember one of the things, I went to France.

When I was in this hotel, I went into the shower to have a shower.

And there hanging on a little book was a thing.

It said, "bonnet de douche".

LAUGHTER

I said, "What is a bonnet de douche?"

And he said,

"It's one of those things you put on to stop your hair from getting wet."

So when I came back and I said to John Sullivan, I said,

"We've got to use that, it's so funny."

He said, "What?" I said, "Bonnet de douche!"

So whenever you see "bonnet de douche",

that was one of my inventions. But basically...

It was just John's way of saying that this character was one that

wanted to impress.

And the way that you impressed girls, you know,

you throw in a bit of the old Francais, bonnet de douche, my dear.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got some of your French here.

-Bonsoir.

-Bonjour, monsieur.

Vous restez a l'hotel?

Defense de fumer.

-Avec vous Dubonnet?

-Oui, merci.

Oh. Oi, garcon.

Dos Dubonnet, por favor. Danke schon.

LAUGHTER

De quelle partie de la France etes-vous?

Ah, oui. Je t'aime, je t'adore. Er... Sur le pont d'Avignon.

-Pardon, monsieur.

-OK.

APPLAUSE

How did the, erm...

The absolutely classic moments from Only Fools and Horses,

what do you remember of those, have they become almost annoying?

I mean, these are historic clips.

I don't know, I suppose that everybody

and his brother has seen falling through the hatch.

Anybody here who hasn't seen falling through the hatch?

Put your hand up if you haven't seen falling through the hatch?

Who has seen it? That's probably going to look better on camera.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, see, the whole audience loves it.

-They've seen it.

They've all seen it.

But that was voted the funniest moment in television history,

and it's priceless and you can watch it over and over again.

Did you know when you were making it that it was that funny?

-Was it in front of a live audience, that bit?

-Yeah.

-Did it get a monstrous laugh?

-Yeah. You can imagine.

How it actually came about was that John Sullivan and I were in the bar

having a drink after one of the shows, and he said to me,

"I was in the wine bar the other..."

He says, "You might like this, David." He said,

"I was in the wine bar the other... Funny thing happened."

He said, "I was there having a drink, and there was a bloke over

"by the bar, and a barman came out, lifted the hatch,

"and this bloke went to lean on it, and he sort of went like this."

He said, "The bloke was standing there like this," you know, giving

it some of that, and he said, "The patch went up and this bloke went..."

"And he went, 'Oh!'

"but then the bloke looked around and then he went, 'A-ha, yeah.'"

LAUGHTER

As if he meant it to happen, you see.

And John said he spotted this, and it's a bit like you observe and

then you see the funny side of it, so John said, "Should we put that...

"Do you think we could put that in the script?"

and I said, "Yes, but the only thing is, I'll fall.

"I've got to fall through the hatch."

And he said, "No, no, no, I didn't see that,

"I just saw the bloke do that and correct himself,"

and I said, "Yes, but I used to do that on stage every night

"when I was in the theatre,

"and I got it to a point to where I understood what was really funny

"and what wasn't," and by that, I said,

"I could do it and I'll do it and I'll fall right through.

"Listen, I'll make it funny.

"I just know how to do it through experience."

-And that's experience of working with a live audience.

-Yeah.

Was Del Boy based on somebody?

Because I've heard that he was based on an actual person.

I used to be an electrician, and my partner and I,

we got a contract down at the East End of London,

and we met a character there who got the contract to do all

the building works in the pubs,

and he was a builder and his name was Derek Hockley.

That is him. He was the smartest guy on the block.

He was amazing, and when I first met him,

he had a camelhair coat, the collar, the tie, immaculate.

But the thing that got me was, he spoke like an East End barrow boy.

His accent, you could cut with a knife.

You know, it was even stronger than that.

He was a right barrow boy, and yet he looked like a toff.

It was a contradiction in terms, and I couldn't get over this.

So, years now pass, and when I got the script

and I did the reading and they said, would I go

and play Del Boy, I said, "Yeah,"

and I spoke to the writer and I said, how did he view Derek Trotter,

and he said, "Oh, he was a guy with a flat cap and a big beer belly

"and, you know, this..." and I said to him, "No, no, I know the guy.

"I know who he is."

So I decided that I'd go the opposite and take Derek as my master copy.

Did he have a bit of a swagger as well?

-So he had the whole sort of constant...

-It's the walk, you know.

It's the walk. You've got to have the walk.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

You know what I mean?

It's true! I don't know how it helps. That's it.

-Cos I don't have the walk. My walk is very...

-You do have a walk!

-I do walk.

-Your walk is like this.

LAUGHTER

-I don't recognise this man!

-You do!

-You do.

-That is too camp! I'm not that camp!

You're pretty close!

APPLAUSE

So, listen, obviously, it's such a great, great, great,

enormous pleasure to have you here and a thrill to see you back

and to see you talking about these things.

I mean, we've talked so much about this bar scene,

we can't not show it.

This is the funniest thing British television has ever produced.

I think we're on a winner here, Trig, all right?

Play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool, you know what I mean?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Drink up, Trig, drink up. We're leaving.

LAUGHTER

Ain't you going to try for them birds?

No, no, you're cramping my style, mate, you're cramping my style.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

please join me in thanking the wonderful Sir David Jason!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. Really a pleasure and an honour. Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

-Sir David Jason. What about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey!

-Thank you.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

CHEERING

Oh! All right! Andrew. Ladies and gentlemen, huge hand

for the wonderful and the generous, our volunteer tonight

for Send To All, it's Andrew!

CHEERING

Of course, there is a prize. Woo! Let's have some sound effects.

-AUDIENCE:

-Wooo!

For being such a lovely sport, you get your own phone back.

Congratulations. And your Send To All phone.

Andrew, ladies and gentlemen! Well done. Thank you so, so much.

Right! Thank you to all tonight's guests. We had Jeremy Clarkson!

Abbey Clancy!

And the legendary Sir David Jason!

Join me next week, when my guests will be

Joanna Lumley, Tinie Tempah and Richard Madeley!

Thanks for watching. Good night!