Episode 3 The Michael McIntyre Chat Show

CHEERING

Tonight on the show...

But first, please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING

Come on!

I love this!

Good evening! Good evening!

Good evening! Hello, hello. Yes.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Ah! Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome... I am standing too camp, I don't like it. My wife says, don't do that, it's weird.

It is a natural thing and my son does as well. He goes like that.

You don't gain much from standing like that.

This is, in fact, nothing is not camp in this area.

I want to stand cool. I don't like standing like a weirdo.

Now I feel really self-conscious!

That's my best stand, I need another stand!

LAUGHTER

Good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Michael McIntyre Chat Show!

CHEERING

I'm going to start the show here...

OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to introduce a multimillion selling, arena-filling rap icon.

He's the dapper rapper, the lyrical miracle who went from Peckham to platinum,

please welcome, the massive, the huge, the gigantic, the mighty, it's Tinie Tempah!

CHEERING

Get it sorted, mate, come on!

Actually, wait. Can we give a round of applause to Michael McIntyre for having

this chat show, finally?

APPLAUSE

-I need one of these.

-You've got some water here.

-Wicked.

-Thank you for coming on my show.

-Can I take one of these home?

-Yes.

-A mug?

-Yes, take anything you like.

-Nice.

I feel uncomfortable when I am around very cool people.

-I'm not cool, am I, Tinie?

-Do you know what? He is surprisingly cool.

You're way cooler than you give off.

No, it's the other way!

Your glasses are always very cool.

-Thank you.

-Do you need glasses?

-Not at all.

-They are not prescription glasses?

No, they are my disguise. When I decided to do music I thought, "I need a thing."

For me, Daft Punk have got the right idea.

They get to wear a mask when they perform.

I remember I was in the Maldives for Christmas and I saw one of them,

and you would never know who it was because they take off their masks and they live their regular lives.

So, I thought, in theory, if I wear glasses to perform,

then when I take it off I can live a regular life.

-Can I suggest it might not have been Daft Punk?

-It was.

-How do you know?

-They shouldn't have, but the people in the resort told me.

But they have never revealed their faces.

-How do you know that I am not Daft Punk?

-You could be one of them.

HE HUMS A SONG

See? He is way cooler than he is letting on.

-I don't even know if that was Daft Punk.

-That wasn't.

-Can I look at those glasses?

-Of course you can.

They are very, you see, this is what I mean.

You carry these off very well. I'm looking at these glasses,

and I don't want to be rude about them, because you look incredible in these glasses,

there is no doubt that is because you're very cool.

You suggested I might be cool and I am going to prove that I'm not.

I am going to put these glasses on and I guarantee you I will look like,

you know when you go to the optician,

and they put the fake glasses on you and they keep changing the thing.

That's what... So imagine I'm in the optician.

LAUGHTER

You look very cool in that, but that is your thing. You are a fashionista.

-I'm trying to be, yeah.

-We have got some fashion to prove the point.

It is amazing to me that you can pull off this look.

What is going on with your trousers?

I like to have my trousers a little bit cropped.

I can see that.

-Are you wearing socks?

-I am not wearing socks.

-Now that, that is a hygiene issue.

-It isn't!

We have another one of you. This is my favourite.

That is you looking amazingly cool in a field.

If I was to do that, wearing that exact outfit,

people would try to milk me.

LAUGHTER

-On your...you have to educate me a bit.

-OK.

In your music, which I have been told on my card is "grime".

Yeah. Loads of elements of it, yeah.

Grime. I didn't know this. I know that I like it. I know that when it comes on in the car, I turn it up.

I know that the kids love it, we party, and I go, "I know him, I've met him."

I know that happens. But I have never heard of grime.

I have heard of the word grime, mainly in Cillit Bang adverts.

It is the kind of grime you can't get off your worktop.

Stubborn grime!

It is basically a genre of music that has evolved from garage music,

so kind of feel-good garage,

drum and bass, jungle, and it is kind of very unorthodox.

-I have heard of house music.

-It is not house music.

House music! House music all night long.

# I'm a dreamer! #

LAUGHTER

# I'm surprised to see your suitcase at the door

# We had some good times Don't you want some more? #

APPLAUSE

So that is house, and then you have garage, which is next to it.

Then you've got garage. Garage is kind of like...

If you will, not technically, but it is a little bit of a cross between house and grime.

It has the feel-good element.

What elements? Because you are creating new music.

Yeah. Um, the main thing is the tempo is 140 beats per minute.

So, that is how you get a basis of what grime is.

Grime is pretty fast.

-It's the tempo. That's the tempo of the music.

-Of how many beats there are per minute.

Like that.

HE BEATS TABLE

HE KNOCKS TABLE

-What is that? Is that grime?

-That is just knocking on a table.

If you were to come round to my house, is that how you would knock?

HE KNOCKS RAPIDLY

I would open the door and you were not even there,

you were in the garage.

The rapping. That is obviously very competitive.

-Yes.

-I have seen the film 8 Mile.

LAUGHTER

Don't laugh at me.

These battles, do they exist then?

They do, I have never personally been in one of those battles but I know that Eminem has been in loads.

And is it really like that? Are they spontaneous?

Are they quite mean to each other?

# Your suit's so whack Man, your hair's so rubbish. #

LAUGHTER

My suit is whack?

It is hypothetically speaking.

It wasn't true.

-They have given me some words, they have called them grime slang.

-Mm-hmm.

I'm going to go through them. Hench?

-Hench, hench is somebody quite stocky.

-Chirps?

When you're trying to, uh, chat up like a girl.

-Like a girl?

-No! I forgot who's show I was coming on!

When you are trying to chat up a girl.

An actual girl. Not, "You are girl enough."

"I like to chirp you. You hench girl."

-You are doing all right. This is good.

-Yeah. Garms.

-Garms are clothes.

-Ah, garments! I am on that. Check out my garms.

My whack hair.

Wok. To wok. W-O-K Wok.

-To wok, that is to have sex with someone. Yeah.

-Really?

-Just normal sex is woking?

-I believe so.

-That is exciting.

-Crepes.

-Crepes are your trainers.

No. They are pancakes.

You got that one wrong. You're not going to get them all right.

It strikes me you're having a good time. You seem to be out a lot. Is that right?

You seem to be out a lot. Busy?

-Out in what sense?

-Parties, fashion, things....

I'm not really a clubber, I do not really go to clubs on the weekend, with my mates.

-I am only out if I need to work.

-I saw you at the BAFTAs.

-This was very exciting.

-That was amazing.

-There was a moment with royalty.

That was a bit of a risk when you hold out the high-five.

Talk me through this moment.

To be quite honest with you, it was an honour doing the performance,

it was a very spur of the moment thing.

We have done a little bit of work for his charity,

he's got a charity called Centrepoint, which helps homeless kids out and stuff.

-When I saw him again, I was just like,"Oh, hey." And that was really it.

-That is cool.

-That's good. I have been involved in his dance charity.

-Prince's Trust, I do that as well.

I had a very awkward moment at that.

-Did you?

-It helps people who turn their lives around. It's an amazing charity.

I was there as a celebrity, in the line-up with other celebrities.

Then you needed to meet Prince Charles when he comes through. Why was it awkward?

He thought I was one of the people who's lives...

He thought I was one of the people who's lives had turned! Yeah!

-What did he say to you?

-"So, did we help you?"

LAUGHTER

I did it on my own.

Are you in a relationship at the moment? How's that going?

No, I am single.

-Trying to enjoy the single life.

-How is that going for you?

-It is going great. I am literally going on tour tomorrow.

-A tour of women?

-No.

That kind of comes into it. We are going on a tour, we are going on a tour around the UK.

It's the Demonstration tour for my second album. I am going to be having a lot of fun.

Tinie, your lifestyle, seriously. I go on tour, it is very different to your tours.

The only woman I meet is the night shift room service woman,

she tends to be called Beryl.

-She says, "I can do you a cheese toastie."

-Not that.

-But you don't have to chat women up.

-Of course I do.

-How do you, I've never known how that's done.

-How did you chat your missus up?

Well... Somebody said it is a good way to start talking to girls by asking

if they have a light.

For a cigarette. I went over and I said that but I didn't have a cigarette.

I just went over and said "Hello, have you got a light?"

She went, "Yeah." And I went, "Excellent."

That is endearing.

It's good to know we've got fire.

-Should there be a power cut, thank you.

-Thank you.

We're going to show one of the singles from your latest album, Tinie. It is Lover Not A Fighter

and I love it.

# Cos I'm a lover not a fighter

# I used to sit on the settee Eating a tin of spaghetti

# Now people think that I'm sexy cos I've been on the telly

# Car like 007, them alloys spin in Pirellis

# I'm with a gold-digging heifer I call her Miss Moneypenny

# Is it real? Is it fake? Somebody gimme a break...#

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Where were you when I was shooting this video?

That is the most ridiculous pair of glasses I have ever seen.

Coming from you?!

Give me some birds to chirp.

Tinie Tempah, it has been such a pleasure having you.

Thanks, yeah. Easy, this is easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

-Ladies and gentlemen, he has been amazing fun, thank you for coming on.

-Any time, Michael, any time.

The fantastic Tinie Tempah!

APPLAUSE

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Thank you, that was brilliant.

Tinie Tempah!

Wonderful. OK! Are you ready to play Send To All?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

If you raise your hand we will find someone and it is a lot of fun.

There is a prize, you will be on TV. If you want to put your hand up.

-It is a volunteer I'm looking for. What's your name?

-Joe Joseph.

-Where are you from?

-Ireland.

-Ireland. What are you doing in London?

-I'm an engineer.

I never know what that means. Seriously, it has completely stumped me.

-I am a civil site engineer.

-Civil site. Nothing. I'm getting nothing.

Engineering, it is one of those jobs, I don't know what it means.

I'm qualified as a civil engineer.

Nothing, I have no idea what you're talking about.

You are qualified as a civil engineer.

That's just an engineer who is just polite.

I still don't know what the root of this is, I don't know what an engineer is.

-What do you do?

-Well, I supply clean water...

-Now, we're talking.

-You supply clean water.

-Or build skyscrapers. One or the other.

Or build skyscrapers. So you never know, it is an either or?

You are walking to work thinking, "It could go either way today.

"I'm pretty thirsty and I'm afraid of heights, so I know what I'm hoping for today!"

How does this work? Supply water.

-Tell me about that.

-We get water from like the ground or a river.

LAUGHTER

You get water from the ground or a river.

The river is easier. If I had a glass and I was standing on the ground, I would

feel like I was in trouble if someone said, "I'd like a glass of water."

If I was standing on a river bank, I would be more confident.

"I would like some water. "Ha-ha!"

Whereas on the ground, you are going to need to give me some time.

So you get the water from a river and then where do you put it?

-Clean it a few times.

-Clean it a few times.

-Put it into a pipe...

How do you clean water? Use other water?

LAUGHTER

When I'm cleaning stuff, I tend to use water.

Do you take the water to the sink and then you put more water on it

and just splash it around?

LAUGHTER

Cleaning water is incredibly difficult.

You filter it through like sand and different materials that gets

different things out and you put it through meshes that get...

-You put it through?

-Put it through different grates of meshes that catch...

-Meshes.

-Really fine ones.

-Sorry, it was the accent, it was the accent.

Really fine ones that catch parasites and stuff.

Yeah, that's really fine! The parasite, no-one can see that.

And chemicals are put through it to kill the parasites and it is checked and goes into a pipe

and it comes out your tap.

Come on.

APPLAUSE

This is what's going on.

You must not take it for granted when you turn on your tap.

You have got to trace the water back to an Irishman going,

"Thank God, I'm not on buildings."

-Joe, thank you so much for volunteering tonight.

-No bother.

-Have you got a mobile telephone?

-Yes.

-Can I borrow it?

-Yeah.

What I like is people know what's going to happen so you must feel relatively relaxed.

-Thank you so much.

-No bother.

-You have seen the show...

-Yes, I have.

-It says, "Where to."

It says, "Take me to church." Is that a song?

It is Spotify, yeah.

SONG PLAYS

LAUGHTER

I'm thirsty.

Let me get myself some water.

"Can you pass me that mesh?"

I'm going to send a text

and this week's message that I'm going to send to everyone

in your phone book is, "Thinking of getting a total make-over.

"Where should I start?"

LAUGHTER

"Where should I start? I won't be offended."

OK. I'm going to send this to all. Thank you very much, Joe.

APPLAUSE

OK. Please welcome a TV legend who rocketed from local news

reporter to lighting up our screens for over a decade.

He is the maestro of the morning, the dashing, debonair king of daytime,

it's Richard Madeley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Richard Madeley!

-Well, well, well.

-Thank you for coming on my show?

-Well done.

If I can tell you a secret. When I made this show, when I found out we were making it,

-I kept saying "I want Richard Madeley. I want Richard Madeley."

-In what sense?

There was more. You are already being classic Madeley.

Just because I, I miss you.

-I miss you on the TV?

-Oh.

-You were such a big part of our lives for so many years.

It was more than a decade. It was 21 years.

We did 13 on This Morning

and eight on the Channel 4 show, which you used to come on

because your career was taking off as ours was in decline.

-That's not true.

-No, it's not true. It wasn't taking off at all, you were struggling!

-You're on fire.

-It's working.

-So, Judy, how's Judy?

-She's great.

She has kind of completely turned her back on broadcasting now.

She does a bit to promote the book club and her own books but she is a full-time writer.

She's a full-time novelist. She gets lots of offers, you know, to come

back and do this and do that, but her consistent answer is no.

-She is not interested.

-Is it rude of me to ask how old you are?

-I'm 57.

-You're looking so well, Richard. How does this work?

-I don't know.

Do you know this, though? Do you look in the mirror at 57 and go, I'm really pleased.

Not at all, no. I think I look like a demented parrot.

I think, for blokes, it helps if you don't get tubby...

-Too late.

-LAUGHTER

And... As you get older...

-And if you don't go bald.

-Yes. BOOM!

If you keep your hair and you don't get fat that helps a bit, you know.

-Well, you have kept your hair.

-Yeah.

-And you are in great shape.

-How do you do it? Do you have a routine.

-No.

-So you are not a vain man?

-I hope not. I mean...

In this business, as anybody who's been in it long enough discovers,

it is fatal to take yourself remotely seriously.

If you take yourself seriously, you're going to suffer horribly

because they all come after you. I mean, the papers and whatnot.

So when did you learn that? When did you start to get to grips with that?

About at the same time that I decided that it was stupid to allow

myself to be nervous. I remember I interviewed a very,

very famous silent screen actress, she went on to have a

couple of big hits, Gloria Swanson. And she wrote her autobiography

and I got the interview with her, it was all right, it was OK.

But I was nervous.

And I remember driving home knowing that

I hadn't done as good as job that I should have done with her because

I was tense and sweaty and self conscious.

And I remember driving into a lay-by and beating myself up

and saying if you want to stay in this job, "Don't be nervous."

It was a horrible scene for anybody that might have witnessed that.

Richard Madeley beating himself up in a lay-by.

You're really hard on yourself, Richard.

It is the turning of Madeley.

You are in the lay-by, you're attacking yourself,

your hair for the first time of its life is on that side.

Well, it had to be done... You are not remotely nervous, are you?

-I can tell. You are very chilled.

-Do you think I'm too relaxed?

LAUGHTER

You have got it about right.

I'm clearly not relaxed doing that!

I'm finding it relaxing, but I enjoy it.

It is exciting to meet people in this heightened way.

The great thing is when people say

things that you don't like...we had Keith Chegwin

in the days that he was denying he had a drink problem.

He came on and he was clearly drunk and it was live.

He'd come on because he had problems with stress, so we were doing

a phone-in on stress and Keith Chegwin was the peg on which we hung this phone-in.

So we're talking to him for about a minute,

and he was making a fair fist of it,

and he looked at Judy and said, "I can't go on with this.

"I am an alcoholic."

"My name is Keith Chegwin and I am an alcoholic."

And it was dynamite. It was amazing live television.

He went on, and the interview took a different course

and he was confessional. And at the end of it...

This is unlike Judy. This is more my style of thing.

Judy lent forward and said, "Keith, that just took a lot of bottle."

LAUGHTER

-It is the perfect line.

-He thought it was brilliant.

-It is a great line.

-Richard, I don't know what you miss most of all

about being on television.

It sounds to me like...

You were on TV, it was so long and it was so wonderful

-and so successful and you were very, very happy.

-You are right.

-But I miss, You Say, We Pay?

-It was the first of the TV quiz scandals.

-Do you remember?

-It was a scandal.

-Yeah.

-What was the scandal?

The people who were running the phone lines, people used to phone in

and book themselves in for the game, they were supposed to be eligible

to play the game until 5.45pm at night.

But the phone company that was running it just was taking

the first call at quarter past five and putting their feet on the desk,

and allowing the calls to come in and taking all the money,

but they didn't have a chance of winning.

Well, that's not why I liked it.

For people who don't remember, this was a game where you would

give £1,000 for every person. There was a screen behind you and Judy...

There was a screen behind us. We would look out to the camera,

to the viewer. The viewer would be on the phone and a picture would

appear on the screen behind us and...

Say it was a picture of a cat. They couldn't say, "It's a cat."

They would say, "It's got fur and whiskers, and purrs and goes meow."

We'd say, "It's a cat." If it was right, they would get 1,000 quid.

It was a good game. It was a fun game.

It is a fun game, and that's why I would like to play it again.

-Is that OK?

-Fine. Who is going to be the player?

Maybe my dear friend Joe.

Do you want to get involved in this, Joe?

-In it for the craic, yeah.

-He's up for the craic, yeah.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Joe!

-APPLAUSE

Come on down, Joe. Come on.

So this is Joe. We're going to play You Say, We Pay.

Joe, basically, we've been having people phone up for the last few

hours to play this game and we've raised £800,000,

which we will be keeping. Just like the old days, eh, Rich?

So, Richard, can I ask you to face the audience?

-Don't look behind you.

-OK.

-Maybe you should introduce it.

-OK, Joe's on the line.

Actually, he's here in person to play You Say, We Pay.

You know the rules. You've got one minute.

We're going to be playing competitively.

You have to describe what's on the picture behind us

-without saying what it actually is, describe it.

-OK. Sounds good.

First one to guess it right, we'll change the picture and move on.

Madeley's back! I'm loving it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And...hang on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Apparently, we are going to pay you £1,000 for every one you get right.

No!

You may not even get your phone back!

I'm excited - don't look, don't cheat, Richard.

Let's play You Say, We Pay.

Em...it goes "woof!"

-Dog!

-Dog!

-Erm...a lot of them in London, they're red.

-They're what?

LAUGHTER

It's all gone a bit too Irish!

-Irishman, an Irish person.

-Big, red things and people travel...

-Double decker buses!

-Agh!

Like rice, but it's not rice.

LAUGHTER

-I don't actually...I don't actually know what it's made from...

-Barley!

-It's kind of yellow.

-Yellow?

Bananas?

It's like veg, it's like rice. I think it's Turkish.

Paella!

-Turkish? Um...

-Turkish Delight!

Cracked wheat.

Couscous!

Well done, well done!

Em...raw fish.

Sushi!

-Em...The Cube.

-What?

-The Cube.

-Oh - Phillip Schofield.

-Phillip Schofield - argh!

Edgy...

For doing your eyebrows.

Tweezers.

Oh - Madeley, you're amazing!

A type of nut.

-Shells are left everywhere afterwards...

-Peanuts.

Cashew!

-Pistachio!

-Pistachio!

Oh! Dead heat on pistachio!

Erm...twerking.

Oh...Miley Cyrus.

Oh, God!

Erm...you want to put stuff onto...off your computer onto something,

you can carry it around, save it.

Floppy disk?

LAUGHTER

Memory stick, memory stick.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

Beating his arse.

KLAXON BLARES

Oh!

-Well done, that was very good.

-Thank you, Joe.

Thank you very much, Joe.

-Very good.

-Joe, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, what a treat!

-Let me just get the...

-What's the score?

I got four, Richard Madeley, seven.

-He's still got it!

-Still got it.

He's the master of You Say, We Pay!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please thank the legend that is Richard Madeley - fantastic.

Absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much.

-Pleasure. I really enjoyed it. Really good fun.

-Thank you so much.

Richard Madeley - we love Madeley!

Go on, Madeley!

Anyway, I believe that I have a mobile phone here,

as part of our Send To All game

and it belongs to Joe!

Quick reminder of the text,

which was, "Thinking of getting a total make-over.

"Where should I start? I won't be offended."

That's gone out to everyone. I don't know who to work your phone,

so I don't know how many have got back,

But I can tell you already, Joe, there's people...

David Lynch? Who's David Lynch?

-A former housemate.

-A former housemate.

-Yeah.

Brilliant. He says...

Oh, he's very sweet, he really likes you.

Um...

"Don't get a make-over. You're perfect the way you are."

Is this a bloke?

He says, "Maybe a bit of blush to bring out your cheekbones."

Brian O'Donoghue.

-Who's that?

-A person from college, I think.

-"With the arse. Total..."

He actually says, "With the arse...totally the arse."

Who is he?

Eh...if it's the Brian I'm thinking of, it's a person from college.

Yeah, then he's followed up with,

"You realise I don't know who you are?"

Your mum - bless your mum, she's really panicking.

She's said, "What do you mean?"

Then she's followed that with, "What number can I get you on?"

Your poor mum, who created you.

OK. I'm going to text your mum back, I think.

"Too late, Mum.

"I'm at the tattoo parlour now.

"Don't panic...

-"You get a mention."

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much, Joe.

-CHEERING

And now a genuine treat.

She went from stunning '60s supermodel to star of stage and screen,

from comedy genius to documentary maker and tireless campaigner.

there is nothing this woman can't do.

She is absolutely, totally, utterly tremendously, ridiculously fabulous.

-It's Joanna Lumley!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, what a pleasure!

What an absolute pleasure. Joanna Lumley is here! Come on!

Oh!

-Gosh, Mike.

-Thank you so much for being here.

-It's such a pleasure to be here.

-You look absolutely amazing.

-I have admired you for so long.

-Don't be silly.

-No, honestly, I have.

I once sat behind you at an awards ceremony at the O2 Arena.

-I remember it. I remember it.

-My heart was beating.

-Stop it!

-Actually, neither of us won that night.

We were both up for prizes and we didn't get them,

-but I thought we behaved very well.

-We spoke, do you remember it?

-We did, we did.

Do you remember actually what happened, though, because you said you were not smoking, or something.

-I was lying again, wasn't I?

-Everyone was going out.

Everyone was going out for cigarettes.

-I tell you who went out for cigarettes, Simon Cowell.

-Yes. Yes, I remember this.

And I tagged on behind him in that rather oily way I have of pretending I was his friend.

How did that go, that cigarette with Cowell?

It was very good, I had about seven of them. Because we...

I hadn't got any, so I just said, "Can you give me some cigarettes?"

So he subbed me the cigarettes outside.

It's not terribly glamorous, but it's kind of something showbiz, you know, in a way?

It is showbiz. But you are showbiz. I mean, you've been in show business for so long, Joanna.

Well, that's one way of putting it.

I have been kind of acting, as it were, for about 45 years,

-which is extraordinary.

-Incredible.

-It has changed hugely.

It's changed because, for instance,

-when I did a show called The New Avengers.

-Yes.

We shot it on film, and video didn't exist.

So the contract you signed was for a television show which went out

and was shown, it might be repeated. But videos didn't exist.

Then they invented videos and we hadn't got that in our contract,

so everything that happened after that, we never got paid for because it didn't exist.

I'm really sorry, Joanna, but you're all right, financially?

-Well, obviously, you know, struggling.

-I'm slightly worried about this.

I mean, all we know so far is you're bumming cigarettes, you never got paid for your work...

It's getting into a bit of a sad story. But that's changed. What else has changed?

People like you, there's masses more of these lovely shows,

which are much livelier and kind of buzzier.

We don't have to watch the show when it comes on, we can just...

Pick it up later, you know.

I know. I don't watch anything at the time that it's on.

-I mean, this show is on on a Monday night, but you're not always in on a Monday night.

-I am.

-It's cos you're on it.

-Oh, you're...

-Yeah.

-This is amazing.

-Yeah.

Now, Joanna, this leads me onto something I was going to talk about later, but...

Go on, Michael.

Flirting, Joanna.

Mm-hmm.

This is something that comes very naturally to you.

Oh, I thought you were going to say to you.

It comes... It's very unnatural to me. Cos you're in a book.

I don't know if you know this, there's actually a book called

Flirting For Dummies, and you're in it.

-Am I the dummy? What is it?

-No. It's a weird title, Flirting For Dummies,

cos of course you don't need to flirt with a dummy,

you just blow it up. But anyway...

You're actually in here. It's called "the Joanna Lumley." "Calm, sophisticated, ladylike."

It's in there, it's in the book. You're name-checked in the flirting book.

-Flirting is just being charming and lovely and people want to hang around you.

-Right.

Obvious flirting is that kind of...

But I tell you what works, if you really want to impress somebody,

and you don't want to strike that night,

watch them, be seen watching them.

It can go wrong, it can obviously... Stalking, you know.

-There is a stalking overlap.

-But just that watching. So you're being funny here,

and I'm being funny and amusing and my girlfriend's like that,

and I turn round and you're watching and you go, "He's still watching me! Fantastic!"

So that works.

-When does watching slip into staring?

-Staring, obviously, that's not good.

-But you wouldn't...

-Let's try it. So you...

-Am I here?

Well, I'll just be watching.

Yeah. And here I am and I'm talking, laughing, saying, "Did you? What fun! How..."

No. No, that's...

-No, no, that's awful, actually.

-I'm throwing eyebrows, here! I'm throwing eyebrows!

-No, no, no.

-Wait a minute, wait a minute - I threw eyebrows in.

Not with the combo?

It's...

JOANNA LAUGHS

Well, maybe not both together like that.

Maybe you want a little bit of a Roger Moore,

a little bit of something, but not that kind of frantic... You know?

-"Did you turn the iron off?" Not that one.

-Yeah.

-Now, I've seen your documentary, which is amazing. Your Will.i.am documentary.

-Yes.

I tell you what it was, I thought maybe a different way of talking

-to people, famous people, would be to go where they live.

-Lovely idea.

And to hang out with their family, see where they went to school, what they do, and stuff.

And he's an exceptional man. Born in the ghetto in Los Angeles.

I love the way you say "ghetto."

-It's just wonderful, isn't it? "Ghetto."

-That's flirting.

-Yeah.

-No, no!

You were just inching along toward some progress

and then that happens again!

I think we've got a clip of the documentary.

-Tell me about this.

-Remember I was telling you in the car?

-Yeah, yeah.

So, like, this is a water bottle.

-So they take a water bottle and they turn it into these flakes, right?

-Yeah.

Sheesh!

Then they refine those flakes to even thinner flakes

-then they turn them into cotton, right?

-Cotton wool. Yeah, cotton.

Then we take that cotton wool and we turn into this thread.

-That's extraordinary.

-Yeah. And then we weave that thread...

-Feels like silk.

-..into fabric.

Wow!

-APPLAUSE How lovely!

-Amazing.

-You can do that from a bottle?

-From the bottles. You shred it.

-Recycling.

-Yeah.

But recycling and remaking it into cloth, into bags, into shades, into anything.

That's so much better than me.

I go to the dump and I just put everything in general waste.

So, Joanna, we have to talk about your brilliance

and Absolutely Fabulous, which is, you know...

That deserves a round of applause just for mentioning Absolutely Fabulous!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-What fun!

-What fun!

-Was it so much fun making that show?

Too much fun. Too much fun. Too much fun.

I mean, it's astonishing now to think that we did the first one in 1991. It's so long ago now.

How did it come about that you got the part?

The script was sent to me by Miss Jennifer Saunders, of course, who I knew from French and Saunders.

-So you never worked with her? You weren't friends?

-No, didn't know her, never met her.

-Right.

And there it plopped through the letter box, and there was this unbelievably funny script,

and I thought, "They'll never be able to make this, it's too funny."

And I went along to meet her, and to meet Jon Plowman, the extraordinary producer.

I keep doing this because this shirt's got a life of its own.

Flirting again.

Oh, it keeps slipping off, Michael.

No, OK. So, I went along, read, and eventually, you know, I thought,

"Oh, no, this is awful, she's going to hate me."

And I went back to my agent and said, "You'd better get me out of this,

"because it's awful and she doesn't think I'm funny."

And the agent just said, "Just do it, it's a pilot."

So I went and did it and - poof! It went.

Cos Patsy's very different to you, isn't she?

Yeah. Well, you couldn't be alive if you were Patsy.

She's had all her organs removed, she's had everything taken out.

She was a man for a little bit, she had something stitched on and it fell off.

-And she grew a beard for a bit. She's...

-She doesn't eat.

She doesn't eat at all. Not since 1978.

There's a really funny scene, a clip we've got of Patsy eating a crisp, I think.

It's really funny.

I... I'm feeling a little peckish.

So, have you got any of those, um...

Food things.

Oh, cheers.

Delicious.

-APPLAUSE

-That's so funny!

So, has that been the most fun for you, playing that character,

-as an actress?

-Honestly, just fantastic.

Acting is tremendously good fun. Don't rely on it.

If you think of it as a job, and quite a lot of young ones come and say,

"Ooh, I'd love to act." What you've got to realise is people like me are

flying on the pig's back, or whatever you fly on, things like that.

-Very high. Hog's back.

-Yeah.

Riding on the hog's back. Walking... Anyway, doing quite OK.

Now. Now.

But what they don't show you is the years of nothing and the years of...

-Yeah. The years of nothing.

-One year earning 60 quid and not being able to sign on the dole, even.

-But did you fall into acting, or was that the plan?

-I liked acting.

-I fell into modelling.

-Right.

-Because I didn't go to acting school.

I know you didn't go very long, but there was some kind of charm school, or...?

-Oh, no, the Lucy Clayton Modelling School.

-Yes.

-This is exciting.

-Well, it was a finishing school as well, but I went to the modelling course.

-Right.

Anyway, it was the best fun in the world, we learned how to do things gracefully.

-We learned how when you leave a room...

-Yeah.

-Um...

-I might save that up for when I... Cos I know I've got to leave... Do you want me to go now?

-No!

OK, this is me leaving a room here.

-OK, right.

-I get to the door like this, and I open the door,

and just before I leave, I turn round and look at you.

Oh, that's fantastic!

So your lasting impression is one of gorgeousness.

-That's a lovely moment.

-And not your bad back and your bad-ish bottom and possibly,

quite possibly, some skirt tucked into your tights, you know?

Do you remember anything else? Cos I'm really into all this.

-Getting in and out of cars, which was terribly important.

-That's a huge moment.

-Because A - the very short skirts. And B...

-What a trial!

And if you weren't wearing trousers, you don't want to have that ghastly kind of legs agape thing.

So what you had to do was to learn...

I mean, I can't really do it here because you haven't got the door,

but they always imagined your boyfriend had a sports car.

-And the sports car was an E-type Jaguar.

-Fabulous.

They didn't know my boyfriends, obviously.

None of us knew anybody who had an E-type Jaguar,

but they had a kind of mock-up of a car seat.

-What, in the modelling school?!

-Yes, I think they did.

Here's my thing, and the car door opens,

by your handsome boyfriend, opens the car door, so you look at him

and smile and put your hand on the car like that, one inside,

and you'd put your bottom in first and then swing your legs and knees,

glued - nailed together - into the car.

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

And then you'd smile up at him gratefully, like that.

And he'd slam the door, and then you're inside.

You didn't have to wear safety belts in those days,

just went straight through the windscreen.

Yes, but when you go through the windscreen,

you have to make sure that your knees are together,

and that you're smiling politely

and your head just goes nicely through the windscreen

and you keep smiling and then the legs are still together on the bonnet,

and then you thank your date. "Thank you so much!"

-"Can I have your insurance details?"

-APPLAUSE

The Lucy Clayton School of Head-on Collisions.

So how about catwalks? Did you do any catwalk?

-No.

-OK.

-No.

Sorry.

But you knew...? You were ready. You could do the walk? They taught you the walk?

-Do you want to try the walk with me?

-Oh, yeah, why not? I love walking with you. Let's walk!

-Let's walk.

-So they taught you this at the Lucy Clayton? Yes.

You wanted to walk as though there was a straight line.

-Shall I try to draw one with my foot like that?

-Oh, amazing!

-That's not bad, is it?

-That's brilliant.

-For a drunkard.

Now, watching this line, Michael, if you can see it,

you want to put your right foot on the left side of the line

-and your left foot on the right side of the line, so when you walk...

-You walk either side of the line?!

-Try to do it.

-This is actually perfect for just after the car crash when the police come

and as well as the breathalyser, "Can you just walk in a straight line?"

APPLAUSE

In France you have to take your own breathalyser kit with you,

so if you're bored, you just go... "Oh, lord!" You know?

Why? Why would you arrest yourself? "Crikey! I've drunk plenty!"

-That's true, I remember that.

-Yes, on the Continent you have to have that.

You have to have it in your car so if you feel in doubt about

-whether you should drive, you breathalyse yourself.

-Yes.

And then if you're over the limit, do you turn yourself in?

You drive straight to the police station.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

"I've made a citizen's arrest on myself. I'm completely hammered!"

Joanna Lumley, you've been so much...

So amazingly fun, and it's been fantastic.

McIntyre, will you do something? Will you promise to see me...

Watch me to the door, because I'm going to turn and smile at you.

-Oh, we will definitely be watching you.

-Do I kiss you first?

I want full-on etiquette. Wait, wait - let's...

-Let's have the most etiquette-filled departure.

-Oh, OK.

I think we should start with some light flirting,

-then I'll catwalk to you.

-OK.

-OK.

-Then you have to get out of the imaginary car.

-Out of the car, yeah.

-And then departure.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you join me in thanking the most sophisticated of all my guests ever,

the fabulous and gorgeous Joanna Lumley.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you so much, darling. Absolute pleasure.

Thanks, Michael.

Joanna Lumley, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Joanna Lumley! Oh!

OK, right, we're going to wrap up the show, now.

Obviously there's a slight situation I need to attend to, which is called, Joe's telephone.

Joe, you've been brilliant, you've been such fun,

and we're all just crossing our fingers that your mother has...

not got back to us!

Oh, that's so annoying! Oh, I have to phone her.

ANSWERPHONE MESSAGE PLAYS

-AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Leave a message!

-Leave a message!

FROM PHONE: 'Please leave a message after the tone.'

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Mum, I can't believe you didn't phone me back!

APPLAUSE

It's been absolute disaster.

I don't know what got into me,

I was making some water and I forgot to put it through the mesh, and my brain's gone.

My brain's gone totally psychotic because of the unmeshed water.

I'd forgotten, I was trying to purify it and the purifier didn't work,

and I don't know what got into my head, I felt I needed a make-over

and I've only gone and tattooed your face onto my butt.

Could you please do me a favour and call me?

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Joe!

CHEERING

Joe, you get your Send To All telephone

and you get some explaining to do, as well.

Thank you so much, Joe!

Thank you to all of tonight's guests.

We had Tinie Tempah,

Richard Madeley, and the wonderfully divine Joanna Lumley.

Join me next week

when I'll be joined by Bear Grylls, Nigella Lawson and Gary Barlow.

Thank you for watching, good night. Thank you.