Episode 4 The Michael McIntyre Chat Show

On the show tonight...

Bear Grylls,

Gary Barlow,

Nigella Lawson.

But first, please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.

No more.

Bravo! Bravo!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Michael McIntyre Chat Show.

We have an amazing show tonight, so let's get straight on with it.

My first guest is an alligator-wrestling adrenaline junkie.

He is no stranger to danger.

He conquered Everest and his TV shows have conquered the world.

He is the master of the mountain, king of the jungle,

and a health and safety nightmare.

Please welcome Bear Grylls.

-Nice to see you.

-What an absolute pleasure. Bear Grylls!

What an absolute pleasure to have you here. Thank you, yes.

I don't know what I expected you to be wearing.

-I suppose this is the kind of get up...

-I suddenly feel quite unsmart.

-Should I have worn a suit, do you think?

-No. You're mostly naked.

-I don't have a suit, only a shirt.

-That's quite a lot of nakedness.

Well, the truth is, you know, you're out there for however many days.

At one point, you're going to have a wash in a stream or whatever

and, you know, that's three minutes out of five days that you're out,

but it always seems to end up on TV and, um, I always get a lot of...

My wife goes, "Why are you always taking your clothes off?"

I go, "I took them off three minutes in five days!"

-And so, yes.

-You must notice all the cameras.

LAUGHTER

It's very easy to say, "Guys, I'm going to have shower now."

I do that a lot. I'm always saying, you know, "Guys, I'm going to go to the loo behind the bush,"

and invariably, I sort of finish,

and pull my trousers up and I see a distant little red blinking

camera, and I go, "Leave me alone!"

We've actually got a photo of you.

LAUGHTER

So what are you doing here?

What is that?

Bear, you must remember this. You're naked in the snow.

It's a very good way of getting warm after you've got out of a very

-cold icy river.

-Can I tell you another one?

-Do some jumping jacks.

-Put some clothes on, Bear!

-Yes.

I thought you were making a hole for the tent peg.

So tell me about this new show.

You've got a new show for Discovery and it's called...

It's called Bear Grylls' Extreme Survival Caught On Camera.

-And we've got a new show coming up, Channel 4, called the Island Of Lost Blokes.

-What's that?

It's really a study of my experiment of what's happened to modern-day man.

What makes a man masculine nowadays, you know.

-So we took 13 regular modern British men...

-Oh, that's interesting...

Teachers, plumbers, the whole lot, and no...

Very little training, no equipment, no camera crews,

they had to film it all themselves and I dropped them in basically hell.

This swamp-infested crocodile, you know, nasty place.

-How many are there left?

-Um... Well...

-It's a bit like The Hunger Games.

-I won't give it away but chaos ensues, basically.

-Really?

-I think we've got a clip from that.

-OK, cool.

More dangerous than any snake, scorpion or crocodile

is this fellow.

Innocent looking little apple, actually called the death apple

and this is enough to kill not one man,

but 20 and when you're surviving on an island, you're hungry, you

see what you think is edible fruits, so tempting to pick it up, eat it.

Endgame.

APPLAUSE

The killer apple, Bear!

How does that kill 20 men? I don't understand.

They're just scarily toxic, you know.

Yeah, but 20 men? Surely after the first one's died...

LAUGHTER

Who's going to go, "Oh, can I get a bite of that?"

That actually gets to 20 men? The 20th one is not an intelligent man.

I'm never quite sure how they found the statistic.

You're surrounded by dead bodies. "It is tempting!"

-So what would happen, Bear, I think we all want to know.

-Well, the truth is, the thing is,

I always wonder how they find these facts out and what our crew have worked out, when I say something

like that, they go, "Is that a Bear fact or a real fact?" 20 men.

-Moving on... Um...

-Now, you live off the coast of Wales on an island.

I don't know if people are aware of this.

This came as a real shock to me. This is actually your home?

Yeah, it is. It's where we spend part of the year up in North Wales.

-You're like a superhero!

-But I love it.

It's about, you know, it's a few miles off the north Welsh coast.

But do you have everything there? Do you have like internet and...

Er, no. No, No, but I quite like that.

We're not there all of the year.

I quite like the fact that it's a real retreat

and we haven't got phones and internet and we collect rainwater off

the roof and there's a lot of manual this and manual that and I love that.

Cos I'm fascinated by this, because I've got children

and I want them to be like you. I want them to be adventurers and I can't get them in the garden.

Do you know what I mean? "Get in the bloody garden!" There's a lot of iPads.

It's a big old place. Bring them up. It's a wild old playground up there.

I can't wait to come over with my kids

-and you'll be there doing naked press ups!

-That was a winter one.

Pressing up, "Help yourself to rainwater, guys!"

It's amazing to get in touch with nature like that.

So have your kids taken to it because you never know,

you know, how your kids are going to be, like you did?

Yeah, I mean, generally this isn't something we kind of force on them,

you know, I think the best way to parent

is example, you know, and we do lots of this sort of stuff for fun.

You say the best way to parent is by example

and it is, but you do take a lot of risks, Bear.

Shall I show you an example, for your children?

Can we show the seal thing? That's quite interesting. So here's you...

Now, what's going on here, Bear?

Well, this was the Hebrides in winter time

and I was trying to work out how to get from one island to the other

and it was cold and I found this old seal and it was rotten,

and I said to the crew, "We can do something with this,"

and they said, "It's stinking. You can't use that." And I said,

"It's the ultimate wet suit if we can skin this." And they went, "That's never going to work."

So then it became a point of pride that I'm going to make this work, skinned it.

It was a little bit tight and quite a suspect-looking gilet.

But I got it on. It worked a treat, you know, it kept me nice and warm.

You skinned a seal? And turned it into a wet suit?

It had these sort of hairs protruding from it

and a lot of stinking blubber underneath.

And that's what you ended up with? It's a sort of cropped tank-top.

It's simultaneously the most macho and campest thing I've ever seen.

But it worked a treat and it's a part of survival.

I love being, you know, resourceful and using your initiative

-and imagination.

-It's not initiative. It's completely insane, Bear.

-That's... Is that making you warmer? This seal... I mean, was it in your size?

-Way warmer!

This is the bit you've got to keep warm.

Are you going through all the seals going, "Is there a medium here? I need a medium!"

"Is there an XL? I don't know. How do these seals come up on me?"

Now, Bear, I'm very excited about this thing they've given me,

which is your survival thing.

Yeah, that's a basic survival pack that...you need to start taking

-this everywhere.

-Right, so this is the Bear essential...

-Is that what you call it, the Bear essentials?

-No, you go...

-You don't even call it that?

-Well, it's...

-Why don't you call it that?

I don't know. I thought it was a bit cheesy. But good. But good!

-Just trying to help.

-Not in a bad way, Michael.

-OK.

So let's go through it. What is this one?

That will help you start a fire.

It's a fire steel, creates sparks and will light tinder.

So how do you create sparks? What are you talking about?

Hold on, hold on. It's got to be warmed up. Hold on. Patience.

Are you the real Bear Grylls?

LAUGHTER

-Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

-If you want, I've got a match.

LAUGHTER

Hold on, we'll get there. I've known it to take two days to start.

Oh, yes! Yes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done. I have to say, you got there in the end.

That was fantastic.

It's not always pretty, it sometimes takes a bit of time. There you go.

What have you got there?

That went on so long, I nearly ordered a death apple.

But then you've got to have some... Then you've got to have some

-tinder to light it.

-Shoelaces? What is this?

You can make snares, or tie up a shelter or, you know, lots of things.

Rope is always essential.

This is a whistle. Is it? Well, that's just fabulous, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Saved a lot of lives.

I'm in the jungle, I'm on my own, I'm naked, I'm hungry.

HE BLOWS

HE WHISTLES CLAPPED FOOTBALL CHANT

OK. Saved a lot of lives.

This is brilliant. And these are?

Waterproof matches, so they will light even when they're wet.

-OK, great. So if the spark...

-Shall we test that?

-Waterproof matches?

-OK, brilliant, yes.

-Let's get some water and try it.

-This is great.

-Hold on, I can't...

-This might be another one that...

All right, OK, hold on. You see how much I can survive?

I can't get the packet open!

-There's no rush. There's no rush.

-There is a rush.

-Here you go, let's use a knife. We've got a knife.

-Oh, brilliant.

-There you go.

-This is amazing.

-Don't cut yourself. Cut away from yourself.

Cut away from myself. OK.

And remember, a sharp knife is a safe knife.

-It's the blunt ones that are most dangerous.

-No.

LAUGHTER

All right, so I've opened that with my knife cutting away from my body,

then I put that down there and then you take your match,

this waterproof match, and we're going to dip it.

-Well, let's just throw it in.

-Throw it in, brilliant. OK.

What are you doing on the table?

There we go. So it's all wet, you're in the river.

-LAUGHTER

-In the river!

APPLAUSE

I'm not in the river, Bear. I'm in a television studio.

-Dry it off as best you can.

-I'm not in the river,

I wouldn't dress like this if I was in the jungle.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-There you go.

-Amazing. Thank you so much for that, Bear.

The only thing that I know I can use this for at the moment is this.

So, I just wanted to quickly ask you, if it was just us

and nothing else was in the world and it was just us on this set,

-but we've got this, how would we survive?

-Well, first, we'd

say thank goodness for the basic survival kit that you've got.

Excellent. We've got the whistle. We've got a knife.

I'd probably put you in charge of whistling.

Station you somewhere around here. We've got great shelter.

-We can both sleep under this.

-Really? How would we do that?

Well, we could kind of spoon. Good body warmth.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And then put your arm over. And then you've got a pillow here. You know?

-We're halfway to surviving already.

-I'm loving this.

All right, we've got shelter. We've got our telephone.

Could I get a helicopter out here, please? What about the plants?

Could we eat these? I've got these Homebase plants. Is this edible?

Actually, there's a lot of good stuff over here. We've got it all.

It's like a buffet for you.

Don't you take that to bed with us.

Don't you dare take that to bed with us, Bear.

I tell you what...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All I'll say is, you're going to know all about it.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So, yes.

-Frightened the life out of me.

You get the fluids out of the cactus to stay alive.

So where are the fluids in the cactus?

-Well, you want to take the spikes off.

-Ow!

Lesson one, watch out for that. So we would, we'd have a log fire.

LAUGHTER

-Pay attention. Pay attention.

-Ah!

-I'm not surviving, Bear!

-It's all right, we can have a sit-down.

-We'd have started a fire with the flint.

-Are we burning the desk now?

-We'd probably burn all these nasty spikes off.

-Good idea.

And then we can skin it to get the fluid underneath.

You've got to be careful - some, again, can kill you.

So if you see a milky white sap, we're not going to drink it.

Ha! No milky white sap.

-It's so mad.

-Eating?

Eating - we might have to be slightly more resourceful

at the moment.

Don't eat me, Bear.

You can survive three minutes without air, three days without water,

three weeks without food. So food is not our priority at the moment.

It's about hydrating. Water. Pee, you can drink pee.

Well, can I just say, we had water.

LAUGHTER

You're absolutely right.

It might not be pretty or nice but it can save your life,

you've got to start thinking like that.

-Basically, we've got it all. We've got fire...

-Fire.

-..shelter.

-Shelter.

..erm, water or fluids,

and a little bit of a, you know, we can eat the cactus,

that's a little bit of food, and we've got you whistling,

so to be honest, we're in good shape.

I'd feel safe with Bear.

Oh, fun, fun, fun!

Bear, that is what you're all about. So much fun.

I want to thank you so much for coming on the show.

How fun was that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Bear Grylls!

Thank you so much. That was awesome.

One more time for Bear Grylls.

Wow. I have been through it with Bear.

He just left. He just went. It's like he wasn't even here.

He's like a superhero. He's just off to do dangerous things.

He probably just ran in the middle of the road,

just jumped on top of a car.

Going back to his rock.

OK, Bear Grylls, how fantastic was that?

My next guest has been generating pop perfection for over 20 years.

He's the musical genius behind the biggest

and best boy band there's ever been.

He's created five number one albums, 13 number one singles

and A Million Love Songs, he is the unbelievable Gary Barlow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SONG: "Never Forget" by Take That

Thank you so much.

Gary Barlow's here!

-Gaz!

-How are you?

-I'm very well. How are you?

-Good. Good.

Shall we tell everyone how we met? Do you remember?

-There's a story behind this that you don't even know.

-I know.

I know all our stories.

-There's one you don't know.

-Go on.

-Shall I tell you?

I want to tell everyone. Because it was great.

It was my tenth wedding anniversary, me and my wife,

and we were organising a big party for our friends.

-You remember all this.

-Of course I do.

And my wife said, "What are we doing about entertainment?" I said,

"I've got some friends coming who are singers, it's going to be great.

"Leave it to me. Leave it to me.

"I'm going to sort all the entertainment out."

And she said, "Listen, that's fine, as long as Michael Buble's there,

"it's fine. It's no problem."

OK, so honestly, I tried everybody who knew Michael Buble.

No luck whatsoever. He's away, he's on tour, he's doing all this stuff.

So we can't get him.

I thought, "Oh, no!"

But then I remembered her second favourite comedian was you.

LAUGHTER

I only say that cos, obviously,

Peter Kay's a very close friend of ours, so I've got to put him first.

-Oh, it wasn't a joke, it was...

-No, it was actually true.

-It's actually true.

-It's actually true!

But you're only second to Peter Kay. Don't worry.

OK.

So I knew that my wife loved you, so I called you up

and you very kindly agreed to come along, didn't you?

-Yes, I remember it so well.

-You very kindly did.

You took the evening out of your life and you came to perform at our party.

So just before you went on I went, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to

"have some entertainment now," and my wife didn't know who was coming.

"And I've got a great act."

And my wife sat there thinking, "Here comes Buble!

"Here comes Buble!" And I said,

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our first act tonight, Michael..."

She's thinking, "Here comes Buble!"

"..McIntyre!"

"Oh, no Buble."

Fortunately, you were brilliant.

You were brilliant and you entertained us all.

You were excellent. Sorry, I had to share that story.

-Now, Gary.

-Yes.

-You are looking incredible.

-Do you tire of hearing that?

-Never. No.

-It's not something...

-What did you say?

-You look incredible.

-Make-up, plastic surgery.

-No.

I've been told that you are... You had the Beard Of The Year.

This is right. Did you know you won this?

-Were you informed of this victory?

-I never got the award.

-You never got the award?

-I was told I was in the running.

-I didn't know I'd won.

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-Thank you.

..we've got a scoop tonight.

I can announce that Gary Barlow is Beard Of The Year.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Haircut... You had the most requested...

-Did you know this as well? The most requested haircut of 2012.

-Really?

Yes. That was two years ago, but it doesn't mean it's not a great...

-People go and they ask for the Gary Barlow.

-Is that right?

-It's an extraordinary situation.

-Wow. OK.

And you are looking good, so how do you do that?

Did you think about your look? The haircut, the beard?

I think a lot of those things came around from actually being on TV

a lot, because when I started to do X Factor three years ago

those things like Nose Of The Year, Rear Of The Year,

Haircut Of The Year, all these things just started emerging.

Sorry, I don't want to upset you, you didn't win the first two.

-Here's a question for you, Gary.

-Mm-hm.

-Early Take That, when you first got assembled...

-Mm-hm.

-How old were you when you first got together?

-I was 19.

-Rob was 16.

-Wow.

-Mark was 17, I think.

Howard was 47.

LAUGHTER

He's going to kill me for that. He really is.

Howard was a little bit older. I think he was 23.

-So, if these teenagers and Howard...

-LAUGHTER

..walked onto the X Factor stage and sung your first song

and you're sitting on the panel, what would you have said?

I remember when we first started, we were so ambitious.

We really wanted to take the world on.

But for the first year, definitely, we were rubbish.

We were rubbish.

We needed a lot of work, and we had choreographers who came in,

we had singing lessons and all the rest of it.

And our manager really did grow it from the ground up.

But I did think we got quite good quite quickly, as well.

Well, there's no doubt that you did very well, Gary!

But I'm just wondering - is it a yes from you?

-Probably a no.

-A no?

Probably a, "Come back next year,"

and we'd have gone back the next year and you'd have had that music.

-Yes.

-That running music.

Simon, what do you think Simon would have said?

-I don't know.

-Louis? Yes, it's a yes.

-HIGH-PITCHED IRISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, yes! Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic!

"Especially you two."

When you said singing lessons, I want to know what that means.

Because I watch these people having lessons. What does it mean?

Tell me what to do. Singing.

-Like, the first lesson.

-You warm up first.

So how do you do that?

# Mamma mia fettuccine

# Mamma mia fettuccine. #

-You're warming up all the vowels.

-Who is that woman?

-# Mamma mia ravioli. #

-Oh, brilliant.

Yes, you do all the vowels.

Can I have a spaghetti bolognese while we're at it?

OK.

# Mamma mia fettuccine. # Oh, cos it's...

-You've got to go through the...

-Don't strain your neck.

You're pushing your neck forward. Relax your neck.

I'm trying to get rid of the chins.

It's not working.

# Mamma mia fetu...

# Mamma mia fettuccine. #

-That was awful.

-It's getting better.

# Mamma mia cannelloni. #

# Mamma mia...garlic bread. #

So, your first love is writing, it's writing music.

-Actually, it's equal for me.

-Yeah.

I do love performing and I do love writing music.

I just love being involved in music.

Can you tell me about the process, though?

Because melody - I hear the word "melody".

Do you just hear that in your head,

do you just keep humming until something comes? I don't know...

-I've never understood how this works.

-I know, I know.

Whenever I sit down to write, whether it's a new record for the band

or myself or whatever, I sit down and I think, "Has the luck run out?

"Is this it?"

-Always feel...

-I think, if you're a creative person,

I don't know if you ever truly value the talent you have

-to be able to sit... I always think it's luck.

-Yeah.

I think, "I've just been lucky for all these years,"

and, "Has it run out, eventually?"

Is this going to be the day I realise it's never going to happen again?

-And so it never feels like your own...

-I've got news for you, Gary.

Your luck has not run out. Your new single is amazing.

-We've got a clip of the video.

-OK.

-It's very catchy!

-Thank you.

-You've still got it, Gary!

You've still got it!

# Today I took back what was stolen

# And gave new life to what was frozen

# One mouth talking a dead man walking

# A thousand faces watched me falling

# I've made my peace with what may happen

# Accepted I won't be in fashion

# All you gave, I got it

# Yeah, you gave, I got it all back

# Since I saw you last... #

Oh, come on, that is a monster hit!

I should have had you in the video.

# Since I... # I love your videos as well.

They're so black and white and serious.

You can't do anything unless you're black and white and serious.

Look at you, just so serious. "I'm just so serious.

"Look at my hair. I'm going to win awards for this hair.

"You can TRY and copy my shaving...

"I've won Beard Of The Year three years on the trot."

# Since I saw you last. # I love it!

# Mamma fettuccine. #

-Now, quite a serious song, though, it seems?

-That one?

I just sing along, but the lyrics, when you look at them,

they're quite serious, Gary. What's going on here?

"They took my voice, erased my past."

So, what's this song about?

Well, you know, in '99 I lost my record deal,

and, you know...

99% of me when we came back

and started the band again and we were really successful,

99% was really humble.

And then the other 1% wanted to write that song.

And I've waited and waited and when I started my record last year

it just felt right.

It just felt right to sort of chronologically document

what had gone on in those 14 years.

-Cos, you know...

-14 years?

-14 years, yes.

-Between that and my last solo record.

-Right.

So, who is this targeted towards?

I think in this industry you're written off really quickly

and I think that people barely get a chance to show what they've got

before they move on to the next one.

So it's written for all those people who doubt, really.

Do you think, though, because you've got it back,

the response, the sort of cinematic ending

of you getting back with Take That,

do you think was it almost worth it, those 14 years - or not?

-Oh, it completely was.

-It was.

-Completely was.

Now I look at who I was back in '99 and I look who I am now,

and I learnt so much about myself in those years.

And I kind of come back to this... to this job now, really,

with just a glint of a smile because it's a funny business

and if you take it too seriously,

then you are missing out on a lot of enjoyment.

Just enjoy every day you're here,

because to me it's a big treat now, this bit.

And you know what? I know it's not going to last forever,

but while it's here I'm going to enjoy it.

Well, you deserve to.

Now, recent times,

I wanted to talk about stuff you probably didn't even dream of doing,

let alone getting back with Take That, and it being so enormous,

and the huge arena solo tour,

there's been a bit of royalty in your life.

-The Jubilee.

-The Jubilee.

For me, those things -

other than working for the Palace, which is amazing,

but to be able to call up Elton and Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney

and say, "Do you want to do this gig?"

It was amazing.

-And they all came through.

-Yes. Everybody we asked came through.

Spectacular. And what about the Queen herself, how was that?

-How was she?

-It was great.

How much contact do you have with the Queen?

-Was she quite hands on?

-Maybe five or six times...

She was doing the dialling.

-IMPERSONATES THE QUEEN:

-"What's Elton, is he 0207?

"Hello? I've got Gary Barlow.

"You do it, you do it. Ask him. I'm too shy, I'm embarrassed."

So, this is a picture of you actually meeting the Queen.

There you are.

The terrible thing about this photo is she thought that was Take That.

Moments after this she was with Philip, going,

"I think Howard Donald's aged...

"Gary's still looking amazing.

"I just voted for him for Best Haircut Of The Year."

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the fantastic Mr Gary Barlow!

APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Thank you so much.

-Cheers.

-Thank you.

-Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Gary Barlow!

Legend!

What a charming, wonderful man!

What's that man doing?

Are you all right? No, you.

You're holding something. Like a lasso or something.

What is this? What's the idea here?

-I hold the cable.

-You hold the cable.

As you move...

Oh, as he moves, you just let it go...

Is that really it? That's it?

And then what happens when you come towards me?

You've got to coil it back in.

Pretty easy.

You look like someone Bear Grylls would meet.

All right.

I've got a knife if you want to shave.

Thank you very much.

-OK.

-All right.

My next guest is delightful, delicious and downright dishy.

Her TV cookery shows are watched around the world

and her books sell like hot cakes.

She's the princess of the pantry, the cream of the crop,

the cherry on the cake.

Let's hear it for the Domestic Goddess herself,

the wonderful Nigella Lawson is here!

# Sugar

-# Oh, honey, honey... #

-Nigella!

# You are my candy girl

# And you got me wanting you... #

Nigella!

-# Sugar... #

-I'd sing, but I can't.

Darling, I've brought something for you.

-Something for me?

-Yeah.

Ooh! This is exciting. It comes in a little bag.

Did you make this?

I did, though not initially for you.

LAUGHTER

Were they for Peter Kay?

Sea-salted...

-Sea-salted fudge.

-Amazing.

Is this made by your hand?

-Yeah, and burns to show.

-Oh, this is amazing!

-I'm saying it's amazing before I've tasted it.

-Lot of sugar.

-With sea salt on the top.

-Is that what fudge is? Just sugar?

-Sugar and fat.

-Great.

LAUGHTER

Mm. Oh! Oh!

-That's really sweet.

-Yes, it is.

-Can you tell me how you make this?

-Cos I don't know anything about cooking.

-Do you really want to know

-or are you just passing the time so you can chew?

-No!

-OK.

-You put butter, condensed milk and sugar...

-Settle in. Tell me.

..and Golden Syrup.

-Mm?

-In a pan. Let it boil for a long time, stirring, stirring, stirring.

-You do so much stirring, don't you?

-A lot of stirring.

Tell me about stirring. Do you do that with both hands or...?

I can do it with both hands, yes.

So, with your left hand... Whisking is the thing.

That's the really hard one, isn't it?

-Well, I'm slightly ambidextrous.

-Do you use a...

-HE MAKES MACHINE NOISE

-..or do you do it manually?

It, you know, depends how I feel.

-What, the manual or the...

-HE MAKES MACHINE NOISE

Why are you giggling?

LAUGHTER

-This is the problem, Nigella, you're so sexual!

-I'm not!

-I'm not saying anything!

-That's the thing, I know. I know. It's right.

You don't mean to be, do you? Is that true, though?

I am quite prissy, actually.

-Prissy?

-Prissy.

-Yeah.

Everything you say, I can't cope with it!

LAUGHTER

I like ejecting the whisks.

-Oh, yes, cos you...

-You just do that and they go pitow!

-When you're whisking like that...

-No!

-Because if you're whisking by hand...

-Is it beating?

-Beating is more...like, with a wooden spoon.

-OK. So, you beat like this.

-You don't have to be that frenetic.

-OK.

Cos it's quite a magical moment when it...solidifies.

-When it hardens.

-When what hardens?

The... The... The yolk. The-the egg whites.

-When it becomes stiff.

-Egg whites... You're talking about meringues?

-No, but, isn't it egg whites, they become stiff?

-They do, they do,

and that definitely IS with a whisk.

Do you think it's like a magical moment? Cos it just turns.

You don't think it's going to turn and then it just goes - oh!

I think all baking is rather magical.

I mean, because I've cooked all my life

and I came to baking relatively late in life.

If you're making a stew, you understand that

if you put some beef and some leeks and some carrots,

you can understand in its raw state that it will be a stew.

You understand that, it makes sense.

But there is something extraordinary, that if you just have eggs

and flour and sugar and butter, these disparate elements,

you mix them together, put them in the oven, and it's a cake.

So, one feels a bit like an alchemist.

I always think it's a mixture of chemistry and poetry.

And what about the Great British Bake Off?

It's become this phenomenon.

-I love it.

-Why do you think people love it so much?

Is it just watching that transformation?

Cos you don't get to eat the cake.

Well, you don't get to eat it but

I think it is interesting to see.

It's not the sort of baking I could do because I'm a bit haphazard

and the idea of making 18 biscuits which look identical,

whereas, you know, it's, like, smaller, bigger.

I feel it's so important not to put people off cooking.

Actually, if you needed to be an expert we'd have all fallen

out of the evolutionary loop a long time ago.

-Also, the masses aren't experts, so it's fun.

-Nor should you be.

It's really strange in the modern world that there are two areas

which people seem to look for experts all the time.

And yet they're the two areas which guarantee our survival,

and that is in child rearing and cooking.

And yet everyone looks for experts

but it isn't really a field where expertise really helps that much.

It's natural. It's the most natural thing.

-And impossible as well. That's fine, that's life.

-I don't cook.

I'm an eater.

-Eating is very important.

-You love eating.

-I do love eating.

That's where it all stemmed from.

-Eating.

-Yes. My view is that you can

eat without loving cooking.

But to cook and enjoy it, you have to love eating.

So, eating is the important thing.

I think I can't cook because...I'm too hungry...

the whole time.

I pick.

-I'd have all the ingredients and I'd slowly eat them in that order.

-No.

Picking does rather destroy the pleasure of eating, sometimes.

You're right about this. How do I stop picking?

I have two children and I have tried this so many times -

I cannot walk past a chicken nugget...

No-one can.

I have to say, when my children were small, everyone else would say,

"You must eat up." And I kept saying, "Have you finished now?"

-So I could just grab the ends.

-I always take what they've left.

I like eating off other people's plates.

Sometimes I have it before them.

That's fine, that's fine.

-He's like, "I'm hungry." It's like, "No. There's no dinner now."

-Tough.

Let me tell you about the first time I became aware of you.

It was that bit at the end of the show where you go to the fridge.

Was that at the end of the credits?

After the credits.

-They were brilliant. That's what I could relate to.

-Everyone does that.

-Do you do that every night?

-I don't do it every night.

It's not part of my routine, but sometimes I do make double visits.

-Yeah.

-That is the difficulty.

-But you don't even know what you're after.

-No, that's the thrill.

It's opening the fridge and seeing this whole world of possibilities.

That's what you see through your Nigella Lawson eyes.

What I see is, "Oh, I got a bit of pesto...I've got a bit of ham.

"I'm going to have pesto-ham."

The thing is... Do you have bread?

If you have bread and butter, you've got a sandwich there.

But I'm only functioning at the fridge. I don't go over there.

Once I'm there, the door's open.

-Do you have a beep on your fridge?

-I've disabled it.

That's brilliant. Cos my fridge is always...

Stop nagging me! I haven't decided yet!

-What?

-The fridge, not you.

-Oh, sorry!

You're right, it nags you. It beeps. Cos I thought it was always on.

The fridge door's open so much in my house - beep! Beep! Beep!

-So rude.

-I know.

-Is it a German fridge?

-Yeah, it goes -

-HARSHER TONE:

-Beep! Beep! Beep!

-Not bad.

-I don't know if my fridge is German.

Somebody recommended a fridge that actually makes a noise.

You can put something on the fridge and it snorts like a pig.

That would be so tiresome after a couple of days.

But it's supposed to make you feel you've eaten too much.

MAKES PIG NOISE

-For me, it would make me want a bacon sandwich.

-Me too!

We should talk about your cook books.

This is How To Be A Domestic Goddess.

Which has been reissued. Now, I have no idea what that means.

-Got a new cover, love.

-It's got a new cover!

-OK.

-There's going to be a uniform edition.

Some of them I've done new introductions... And new end papers.

OK. So, it's not that you put the wrong recipes in originally?

You didn't think,

"Sorry, there should actually be salt in that one."

Well, that's happened over the years, but not particularly now.

But you - and I love this when I found out you did this -

you tweet a lot of the things you eat.

-You're photographing your food.

-That's all I do, really.

This is earlier, this is lunch. You probably recognise this from lunch.

I can walk you through it. Rib eye steak - black and blue.

Not quite black enough but it was delicious.

-Chips. I like a fat chip, I don't like American fries so much.

-OK.

And broccoli with lemon and chilli.

And you've said, "Was in danger of getting hangry."

-Hungry and angry.

-It's a lovely word.

I am so hangry. I wake up hangry.

-It was about four o'clock.

-So, when do you get hangry?

What's the difference between hungry and hangry?

Well, actually, not much. I do feel...

My agent says, for women, "Hunger is always an emergency."

And I think there's something in that.

I'm really very equable.

And I don't have a temper.

But if I'm not fed, I am both murderous and suicidal.

-Wow, you want to murder yourself?

-Yes.

I cant...

Now I've learnt,

so just before I ate today I said, "I'm shutting down.

"No-one talk to me.

"I've gone without food for too long and I will be cranky

"and I could be rude.

"So, please, carry on without me until I've been given food."

-And this did the job?

-Yes.

Let's talk about your life at the moment.

Where are you living? What's going on?

Well, I'm alive. I don't really want to say where I live.

-I think that would be a foolish thing.

-I'm not your cab driver.

I was wondering about your living arrangements cos

-I heard you were looking for a place to live.

-Think I've found somewhere.

And what's the kitchen like?

Kitchen's good but I can make it better.

So, how are you, though, in your life?

How are you feeling? Cos I have to say, you seem wonderful.

Well, you know... I've had better times.

But, yeah, it's spring, I'm feeling better and I'm very happy to be here.

Life has its dips and it can get better and...

You know, you can't fight it.

Have you felt the unbelievable amount of support that you have?

Have you felt that?

Um...I try not to live in the public sphere very much.

Yes, I have, but the thing is, however you live,

you have your own life and you're the person inside, so...

If anything, all I've done is stop reading newspapers.

Which I find difficult cos I was a journalist for so long

and I'm a bit of a print fanatic.

But of all the things to go, that's relatively all right.

You say you're a journalist, you're in that game,

-you have a lot of friends in journalism.

-Yeah.

And everything got flipped upside down and you're at the centre

of a media storm and it's being fed by that, by journalism.

I mean, how does that feel?

I'm not an innocent. I understand how it works.

I just...don't involve myself.

I don't speak and I don't comment.

I could say things and they would be indiscrete and I don't want to.

But the real truth is that...

if you don't read things and you don't get too involved, it doesn't

enter your bloodstream, and you're not contaminated.

But what I've found since then is that it's given me

a far too sensitised reaction to...um...

newspapers and when I see journalists being cruel

about other people's misfortunes.

Cos you can... You can survive anything yourself.

But when I see other people's private lives being

treated in a cavalier way, I feel I can't read this.

I don't want to be colluding with it.

You start to realise how that feels.

I think you always do realise but you also understand that

you have a responsibility not necessarily to be part of it.

But...I don't know. I think that...

There's gossip.

It is and we all like gossiping in our own lives,

so I don't take a lofty view.

I just perhaps feel, you know, having had a layer of skin removed,

I'm more sensitive to other people's misfortunes.

You say with life and ups and downs of life, because it is gossip,

it's important to you but it's not important to everybody else

so much because it's like gossip.

And things do move on. They just move on. Amazingly.

I certainly know that if I read something in a magazine

about someone, I can't remember, so why would they remember about me?

But it is true and you have to remember that.

I really think that if the major thing in your life is what

people who don't know you think, then you're living your life wrong.

I often do say things or do things maybe I regret later

but on the other hand, I'd rather embarrass myself or just be

a bit idiotic sometimes

than spend my whole life worrying about what people think or

-what I'm going to say.

-You never win like that.

I don't think anyone can win.

I always worry about what I'm going to say all the time.

-But it doesn't help!

-But neither of us ever stop ourselves.

-We may worry but we don't stop ourselves.

-No.

-I talk too much.

-I talk too much.

What my grandmother used to call "overtalking."

Yes, and that is true, and things move on and it's so important and

it's deep and hurtful and difficult

but it is, in the public domain, it's gossip, it's trivial.

It's horrible to be part of that. But you move on.

Have you ever thought about doing Thought For The Day?

My thought for the day right now is,

-"Move on to something funny."

-OK, come on!

OK, let's do that.

-So, you found a place. Did you see a lot?

-Lots.

It's quite stressful that, isn't it?

Yeah, but I'm also quite nosy so I like looking at other people's homes.

Tell me honestly, of all the houses you looked at,

what percentage of them had your books?

LAUGHTER

Do you walk in and go, "Yeah, OK."

No, I don't look...

I don't look for it.

But when I go into the kitchen I notice if they're there or not.

-You look for it.

-I don't, actually.

I don't because when I'm looking I'm thinking, "Could I live here?

"Is this OK?"

-And then... Obviously I notice.

-Yeah.

But what I find really difficult is when people get apologetic.

-And I feel like, "No, it's quite all right."

-You say that...

-but it hurts, it's annoying.

-It doesn't hurt.

There's Ramsay and Oliver. You're like, "I'm not living here!"

Nigella, thank you so much for coming on my show.

It's a real pleasure and, you know,

it's such a great thrill to see you looking so well and back

and gorgeous and yourself.

-Just great to see you.

-Thank you.

-Thanks very much.

The lovely Nigella Lawson.

I love Nigella!

Thank you so much!

Sorry, I'm in high heels.

Nigella. Amazing! Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, a huge thanks to all my guests tonight.

We had the wonderful Bear Grylls! Come on!

Gary Barlow was here!

And the gorgeous and fantastic Nigella Lawson!

Join me next week when my guests will be Ray Winstone,

Holly Willoughby and Dynamo!

Thank you for watching. Good night. Bravo!