Episode 5 The Michael McIntyre Chat Show

This programme contains some strong language

We have a person behind here. I haven't checked on him for a while.

Oh, he's blocked it off!

LAUGHTER

Yes, here is!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Paul's here!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Paul, I've missed you!

-You haven't seen me for...

-I know, I'm sorry. But you're back,

-and I need your help tonight. Because Dynamo is on.

-OK, yeah.

I want to try and do a trick on him.

LAUGHTER

-So I want you to do... You know what you do, with the up and down?

-Yes.

But I want to make it look like I'm in control of it, like,

with my brain.

LAUGHTER

-Using the force.

-Oh, OK, yeah.

-I've got it.

-You've got it? I don't know quite how to do this.

-We'll practise.

-OK.

-OK, you stay there.

Sorry.

So he won't know you're there.

I don't think he watches the show.

LAUGHTER

He says he's been away. Hold on.

Bring it up.

But I don't want Dynamo to see you. That's really going to be shit.

LAUGHTER

You've got to wrap it round, Paul! Wrap it right round.

Like The Wizard Of Oz, Paul!

LAUGHTER

Paul, wrap it round!

I can see you! You're standing there with a rope!

LAUGHTER

I'm going to say, "Dynamo, I'm going to try something.

"It might not work." And then, "Down!"

"Dooowwwn..."

LAUGHTER

What happened?

What happened?!

What happened? It dropped.

Paul, what are you doing? Paul?

Paul. We've got to do this on TV!

LAUGHTER

-Good luck on the night!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

On the show tonight...

..Holly Willoughby! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Dynamo! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ray Winstone! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But now, please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come on!

Come on!

Thanks!

I love high-fiving!

Welcome.

Good evening.

Thank you.

Welcome to my show, the Michael McIntyre Chat Show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We have an amazing show for you tonight,

which I very much hope you enjoy, with three incredible guests.

-Are you excited about tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen?

-CHEERING

I'm not at the right height.

LAUGHTER

Something's happened to my chair.

I don't... I don't know what...

There's a...

Why am I down here?

Is there a button?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Am I too high?

OK.

It is my great pleasure to introduce the dreamy queen of daytime TV.

She's a model, a children's author, a fashion designer

and a yummy mummy.

She's got her finger in every pie and a bun in the oven.

Surprise, surprise, it's Holly Willoughby!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Holly Willoughby!

Welcome. Thank you so much for coming on my show.

-Thanks for having me.

-Congratulations!

-Thank you very much.

-A pregnant woman is with us!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you. Thank you.

-This was a surprise pregnancy.

-It was a bit of a surprise, yes.

I always wanted to have three children.

Dan and I always said we'd love to have three.

And you hope you're lucky enough, but, yes, it was a bit of a shock.

-Why three? I've got two. I worry about having three.

-I know.

My fear is that I'm now outnumbered.

Dan and I can wrangle one each, but now it's, like...

-one is always going to get away.

-What happens?

-I don't know.

I imagine you have to have some sort of lead thing. LAUGHTER

-I don't know.

-It is difficult.

When I go out with my two kids, sometimes

-they go in opposite directions and you have no idea...

-I know, don't!

You sort of have to pick your favourite, in a way.

LAUGHTER

Have you had scans and things?

Yes, had a scan, but not one to tell...

I could have found out by now, but I didn't want to know.

Do you have weird old women walk up to you and go, "It's a boy."

LAUGHTER Not yet, because I don't think I've got...

As soon as you get a slight hint of a bump, everyone goes, "Oh, yeah..."

-You don't have any bump.

-Not yet. A bit.

It's sort of thick, slightly...

There's a stage where you don't look obviously pregnant.

No, you just look a bit fatter. That's kind of where I'm at now.

I'm more pregnant in my backside than I am in front!

I'm like, "Bump, come round here and not just out there!

-"Please help me!"

-Maybe they're just moving around.

Maybe you'll wake up one day and there's this huge arm thing...

"You're supposed to be here!"

-Exactly.

-So your husband is at home looking after the children.

Yes, he is.

How did you meet your husband?

Dan and I met each other when I was doing Saturday morning kids' telly.

The Ministry Of Mayhem. A very long time ago. And he was my...

There he is. Looks like he's the one with the baby there. LAUGHTER

Yeah, so we were doing Ministry Of Mayhem together

and he was my producer.

I didn't even fancy him to begin with at all.

-It's true! He knows it.

-Why do all women say that?

I actually thought he didn't like me very much.

-Women don't fancy men to begin with.

-Some people do, but I didn't...

-My wife didn't fancy me.

-Oh, really?

-She fancied men, I just wasn't one of them.

-LAUGHTER

But it's not a bad thing, because suddenly there was this moment,

and I remember the exact moment. We were...

We were all in the bar afterwards and we were going, "Cheers!"

And you know when your glasses clink and then you just...?

I looked at him for a moment too long and I went,

"Oh, my God, I fancy Dan Baldwin. What am I going to do?

"I really fancy him, he's my producer and it's a nightmare!"

And then, you know...

Hats off to Dan with the clink!

I know! LAUGHTER

What move did he pull?

Just... Just a bog-standard clink.

Did you see his face through the glass?

-Yeah.

-Because that can distort his face.

Did you fancy him just for that one "Hello"?

"I'm Dan Baldwin. Do you fancy me? Still?"

Oh, that's a nice moment. Your heart just leapt.

-And that was how long ago now?

-We've been married seven years.

Seven, eight, nine, nine years ago.

Speaking of family life, you've written a book with your sister.

-Yeah.

-I think I've got it.

-You've written three books with your sister.

-Yes.

-This is it.

-School For Stars.

-School For Stars, yeah. Third term at L'Etoile.

What age range is it aimed at?

I would say anything between five up to 13, 14,15.

-I didn't know you were doing this.

-No? They're really cute little books

and my sister is an incredible writer and always has been.

And one of the bonds of our sisterly relationship

was down to books, really.

She used to read to me all the time and make up stories.

And I think it was just a case of she became

a mum for the first time last year and the timing was just

right for us to sit down and do something like this.

Tell me about your working and being so happy all the time.

-You're the happiest person I've ever known.

-Am I?

-You are, I think.

I do nice jobs, I think. This Morning is a great job to work on.

And I go to work with one of my best friends, which I'm very lucky.

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

-He's a lovely man.

-Did you know Phillip before you started?

We knew each other because we did Dancing On Ice.

-And you go out with him, don't you?

-We do.

We've been on holiday together. Not just the two of us!

LAUGHTER

With our respective husbands and wives.

-Where have you holidayed with Schofield?

-Portugal.

-Lovely.

-Yeah.

Nice bottle of wine.

-OK, so you got pissed in Portugal!

-Yeah.

-That's pretty much what happened, yeah.

-You've got lots of ITV friends.

I always see that.

Well, you always have friends you work with, don't you?

You're a big ITV person, aren't you?

You go on holiday with Schofield. You're always with ITV...

-Ant and Dec, they are big friends.

-They are good friends.

Dermot O'Leary. They are all ITV people.

I've got other friends.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm on the BBC. I'm not...

You invited me in the dressing room to something...

-Yeah, I realise that sounded really flippant.

-You invited me very badly.

You said, "I'm having a party on Sunday.

"Everybody's already coming, so you can come too."

LAUGHTER

I did say that! I did say that. But I'd love...

That was a really bad way to do it. But I'd love you to come.

I'd love you to come.

Well, because this is pre-recorded, I didn't come.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, God, you should have come!

-Yes, I did! I did! I was there.

I rang the doorbell, I was there with a glass of champagne.

LAUGHTER

Cheers, Holly!

-Is this your dream job, then, do you think?

-Yeah, I think...

Yeah, of course.

The one thing that I try and do in life is just to

be very happy with where I'm at right now, and not try to...

People go, "What's next? What's round the corner?

"What do you dream to do next?"

I'm sort of like, "I'm just quite happy being where I am now."

What about preparation on This Morning? Do you just take it as it comes?

You've interviewed so many people.

Well, we get our script in the car when I go to work in the morning,

so it's there and I write all my interviews on the way in.

You don't get car sick?

No. That's been the brilliant thing.

I've never had morning sickness cos I always panic about that

when I'm pregnant, just in the back of the car going...

-SHE RETCHES

-Especially given your job.

-Exactly.

Welcome to This Morning Sickness.

Exactly.

I suppose having someone there with you helps.

-Having Phil?

-Yeah.

-Oh, God, yeah.

He's just the best person.

Nothing goes wrong when you stand next to him.

The thing with This Morning is that it doesn't matter when things go wrong anyway.

Cos it always does.

-I mean, sometimes you laugh for no reason.

-I know.

We've got a clip of you laughing for no reason.

-There's always a reason.

-No, there's no reason.

-I bet I'll be able to tell you what the reason is.

-OK.

We're going to show you the clip now

and you're claiming there's a reason why you're laughing?

Well, there must be.

For all the world, it looks like you're a teenager at university

who's got totally stoned

cos you are literally laughing for no reason at all.

-Tell me you're not stoned in this clip.

-OK.

Over the past few weeks, Phil Vickery's cooked on

the banks of the River Kwai.

-What's happened to you?

-Actually nothing. I've just got the giggles.

I was giggling before you started and I thought, "Don't giggle now,"

and it just bubbled up and came out.

I'm fine now. Carry on.

There's something quite funny about the word kwai.

I don't know why.

I don't know what to say.

It's the word kwai that's made you laugh?

It's just quite a funny word.

-That's it!

-The word kwai?

-Yes.

It's because it sounds like somebody's trying to say cry

and can't say it properly.

-It's like Jonathan Ross trying to say cry.

-Yes.

And I knew it was coming and I thought,

-"I'll probably giggle at that later."

-Just the word kwai?

It's like your brain does, like,

it sort of throws in these naughty thoughts to trip you up.

Don't you get it?

It's like when you're in school assembly

and everything is far funnier when you're not allowed to speak, laugh or do anything.

-But that's the spirit of fun.

-That's what happens to me on a daily basis.

Yes, because you know you're not allowed to.

Does that not fill you with a little bit of fear,

because if you say the wrong thing...?

I always say the... The thing is, you can't help it.

I said...

I was trying to say shiitake mushroom and just paused in slightly

the wrong place and then panicked cos I just said shit.

I was thinking, "I just said shit."

I did it with country casuals as well.

That was really, really bad.

There's some very funny personalities on your show.

I'm going to show you some pictures of people

and just see if you remember.

From last week, this one.

This is a lady who organises sex parties.

And she's just branched out into the silver dollar,

or pound as she put it, which is sex parties for over-45-year-olds.

-Oh.

-Apparently there's quite a demand.

There is.

But I'm always the last to get invited.

Let's see if you remember some more. Who else have we got?

Oh, they drank their own piss.

It was awful because they did it in front of us as well.

They came on with their two glasses and they put them down and I remember

saying to Phil, "I can't give them a kiss hello when they come in."

And after they drunk it I said, "I'm definitely not kissing them

"goodbye because I just might catch piss breath."

As he did the shot of piss, he flicked it,

it dribbled down his face and he pushed it into his mouth

and I thought, "Oh, my God, now I can't even shake your hand

"when you walk out the door.

"How do I say goodbye to you?"

"Get out!"

-"Get out and keep walking."

-Yeah.

I think we've got a picture of them drinking the piss.

In champagne glasses.

That reminds me of how you met your husband.

I'm surprised you didn't fall for him.

Now we've got...

Who's this man? Do you remember him?

Oh, I know who he is.

Those are dolls in the background, aren't they?

-I think they are.

-He buys very lifelike dolls.

There you go.

That one's a real person, though?

Oh, yes!

Yes.

This doll's bored shitless, she's falling asleep.

"Ah, not This Morning again."

You don't get the giggles at these items. How are you able to do that?

Cos you just can't.

You get factual about it. It's the only way to do it.

-It's amazingly performed.

-Yeah.

And then you just piss yourself laughing and that's fine

because there are people there to drink the piss.

You worked that one well.

Holly, thank you so much for coming on the show.

It's been such a pleasure. It's been wonderful to see Holly.

APPLAUSE

Congratulations. Good luck with everything.

Holly Willoughby, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much. See you Sunday. Holly Willoughby!

Of course, we must play a little game called Send To All...

..which does depend on somebody having a mobile phone

that they are prepared to lend me.

Right, so we've got one person up there. You're up for it?

-Yeah.

-What's your name?

-Johnny.

-Let me get the phone first and then we'll chat.

Thank you. And that's that, then.

Big round of applause for Johnny.

Johnny's gone for the iPhone.

I've seen your screensaver and it looks like you're in a relationship.

No. I'm not.

Who is it?

It's not a bad photo, it's a great photo.

It's a picture of Jodie Marsh.

-Do you know Jodie?

-No, not yet.

I like that. That is confidence.

I'm just going to send a little text to everyone in your phonebook

and we'll see how that goes throughout the night.

I'm not going through your texts,

I just noticed the one you've got from Sistaaaaa,

with five A's at the end of her name.

-Is that your actual sister?

-Yeah.

Sistaaaaa.

Shannnnece with four N's. This is awesome!

Shannnnece!

Sistaaaaa!

What have we got?

Let's be honest...

..are we just friends?

Or is something else...

..going on?

I think that calls for a double or a triple kiss?

Triple!

The audience is like, "Triple kiss! This is awesome!"

"Take that, Sistaaaaa."

Thank you, Johnny. Huge hand for Johnny.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That message is sending.

Thank you very much.

I am so excited about this.

It's time to meet the most mind-blowing magician since Merlin.

His spellbinding street magic has wowed crowds all over the world

and his TV shows are loved by millions.

He's the Houdini in a hoodie, please welcome Dynamo!

MUSIC: "Abracadabra" by Steve Miller Band

Dynamo is here!

Magician!

-Keep it going.

-You've got some fans in.

-How are you?

-I'm all right, thanks.

So your show Dynamo: Magician Impossible is...

Tell me some numbers, do you know numbers of reach

and people who've seen your show and YouTube and stuff?

I heard you talk on the radio once and it was mind-blowing.

I'm on series three at the minute and we're actually filming series four.

The first series has been seen by over 250 million people.

This is amazing. How did it start for you?

The Prince's Trust gave me my first business start-up loan.

I went in a room...

impressed them with some magic and said,

"I want to make a career out of this."

They looked at me like I was crazy and then came out and said,

"All right, we'll give you the two grand."

And I bought a camcorder and a laptop

and just started filming my stuff and putting it on YouTube

and then the next thing you know I've got a TV show and here we are.

That's fantastic.

Good on the Prince's Trust.

Tell me about The Magic Circle. What is it?

When I hear the words Magic Circle,

I just assume it's just you in a circle with magicians going,

"How did you do that?" "I'm not telling."

A little bit.

Essentially, it's a private members club for the elite magicians.

It is true that Prince Charles is a member?

Yes, he is.

He auditioned properly, he did the famous cups and balls trick.

He cupped his balls?

-IMPERSONATES PRINCE CHARLES:

-I'm ready for my audition.

So what are you saying, you letting me in or not?

-He did the thing where you do that?

-Yes.

-And that's enough to get in?

Seriously, if he wasn't Prince Charles, they'd go,

"Cup and ball? On you go."

He's got some connections, I think he'll be all right to get in.

So, you've got a style - you have to think about your showmanship?

A little bit.

There's been so many magicians where they've had a stage persona.

Yes.

And I just decided that rather than have this fake persona on stage,

I'll just feel comfortable being me.

It's easier to be yourself, I suppose,

but then you leave, is that the plan?

Cos I like that, when you do that.

When you do a trick and you've got everyone going,

"I can't believe that! Oh, my God! You're evil!

"How did he do that?"

People go nuts, don't they?

And then you just walk off. It's like, "Where did he go?"

When did you start walking off?

I've been doing it from the beginning, to be honest.

Ever since I was a little kid,

I was actually getting picked on at school,

back then I was doing magic to the bullies and I was running off.

I just got more and more confident and like a slow...

It adds to the mystique of the whole thing when you just scamper.

You've done so many enormous tricks with walking on water and levitating.

This is you on a side of a bus which is absolutely mind-blowing.

Love this one.

APPLAUSE

But I think this is a trick you should definitely tell us

how you're doing that because, I mean, it's so useful.

I forgot my Oyster card.

That would help.

Absolutely extraordinary.

I've got some cards.

Are you going to show me some magic?

No, I don't know what I'm doing.

Pick a card.

Don't tell me what it is.

-Shall I show these guys?

-Yeah, show them.

-How are we doing?

-Don't tell me the card.

You think you're so good, don't you?

LAUGHTER

You know this is a chat show, right?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Ten of diamonds?

-Yay!

APPLAUSE

Sorry, it took me a bit longer than I anticipated.

But I was using a little trick called process of elimination.

You got there in the end.

There you go, there's some playing cards.

Oh, loving that already, Dynamo!

Let's see. They're already pretty well shuffled.

I'll give them a mix up.

You did that with no table.

In fact, I want to try something a little bit special.

Do you have any receipts on you?

From your lunch, the shop, anything like that?

Can you get any receipts?

-You accusing me of theft?

-No!

-A receipt?

-Yes.

-I don't have any receipts on me.

I could ask Paul. Paul, got a receipt?

Oh, no, I don't want them to...

I'm just getting one of my receipts.

Yeah, I've got some receipts, mate.

What have you got there?

Perfect. One of these will do.

-Yeah, cool.

-They're not mine.

We'll use this one. Get rid of those.

Give them one of those. In fact, I'll give them a Dynamo shuffle.

-Do you want to see a Dynamo shuffle?

-Yes, please.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

APPLAUSE

So now I'm just going to place cards down. Just say stop.

Stop.

Look at the card you stopped at. Show it to everybody

Don't let me see it.

Has everyone got it? AUDIENCE: Yeah.

I just want you to take the lighter.

Light it.

-And bring it a little bit lower.

-Yeah.

-So this is the receipt you wanted to use, right?

-Yes.

That is not real!

APPLAUSE

No, don't go, Dynamo!

That is absolutely amazing.

How did you do that? Why are you doing that?

-I'm Dynamo.

-I love your work, Dynamo.

Do you think that I...?

I'm going to have to ask you, if you don't mind,

I might try and convince you to do some more tricks, if that's OK.

-Yeah, we can do some.

-But I'm going to try another one myself.

-You've been doing pretty good so far.

-Yeah, I know.

What's the worst that could happen?

So I don't know, Dynamo, if you, erm...

-Can I just ask you...

-Shall I stand up?

No, it's fine, you can stay seated.

If I can just ask you, Dynamo, to pick any, in this whole room,

any gauze.

Gauze as in like a curtain?

Yes, like a gauze.

-How about this one right here.

-Good idea.

So just to fill you in, Dynamo has picked that gauze.

I'm just going to try this.

I'm just going to try and lower the gauze using my...

It's a mental thing, using my brain.

It's definitely mental.

I'm just going to start like this.

I once knew a guy called Paul who could do that.

There's no-one there. No. There's no-one there.

-HE MUMBLES:

-Get the fuck out.

There's no-one there. There's no-one there.

-HE MUMBLES:

-Move.

If you don't believe me, Dynamo...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is there anyway I can convince you to do any more tricks for us?

-Shall we do one more?

-CHEERING

I would love that. Thank you. Oh, what's that?

I've got some needles. Just hold your hand up.

Oh, don't hurt me.

Just take one of those.

-Is that a real needle?

-Yes, it is a real needle.

-Is it sharp?

-Yes, it is.

What I want you to do is stick it...

in your tongue and swallow it. No, I'm joking.

-Actually, what I'd like you to do is stick it on my tongue.

-What?

-AUDIENCE GASP

-I love these audience reactions.

-Stick it on your tongue?

-Yeah.

I'm just going to drop that on your tongue there.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Just hold your finger out like this.

-Dynamo, are you all right? You just swallowed a needle.

-I'm fine.

I thought it was going to be a trick.

-What you've done is very dangerous.

-Yes, I know.

-Are you all right?

-I'm pretty good. I'm all right. I'm good, right?

-OK.

CHEERING

Just take your thumb and clip that there. Perfect! Look!

Oh, good Lord!

INTAKE OF BREATH

APPLAUSE

WHISTLING AND CHEERING

I don't think I've got anything to better that.

I can do levi...de...delevi...

-Delevitation.

-Delevitation?

-Yeah.

I haven't seen that one. Let's see it.

I've got some...

HISSING

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, that was absolutely mind-blowing.

The magician impossible himself, Dynamo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. That was brilliant. Amazing.

One more time, please.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Incredible!

Yes, I know what we're all thinking.

What's going on with Johnny's phone? OK. I have Johnny's phone here.

What was the text that we sent out again?

"Let's be honest,

are we just friends or is something else going on?"

All I can say at this point, Johnny,

people have been texting back in their numbers.

-OK. Boycey. Who's Boycey?

-Erm, I used to work with her last year.

-Oh, it's a "her"? That's good.

-Yeah, it's a girl.

Well, that's very good news for you.

Boycey, who is a female, says, "Yeah, defo something more, Johnny."

Triple kiss back.

She's raised your double!

Let's just counter that with one from your father...

-..who I assume is in your phone as "dad"?

-Yeah.

All right, that is your dad. He's got quite serious.

He's just gone, "Son..."

LAUGHTER

"Son - was that meant for me...

"..or for one of your many girlfriends?"

You've got someone called Chelsea here. Who's Chelsea?

I work with her and we're just friends.

I have to say, this one is juicy.

Chelsea has said, "We're just friends. I'm in a relationship now.

"I did tell you we were just friends."

AUDIENCE: OH!

I think it's time to reply to that one!

"Chels.

LAUGHTER

"You can't deny...

"..what is between us...

"..is electric."

No kisses. I'm just playing quite hard.

Let's see if there's anything...

Oh, my God! Everyone's coming back in. Mag is in. Oh, this is...

I think I'm going to get you laid tonight.

A huge hand for Johnny.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm delighted to introduce one of the very best British actors in the business.

He's the true hard man who went from Hackney to Hollywood

and he's now starring in the biblical blockbuster, Noah.

Would you Adam and Eve it? It's Ray Winstone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you.

Raymondo, I'm absolutely loving your shirt and tie situation.

-You like that?

-Yeah.

-Do you know what? I have been away a lot.

I didn't have any clean, white shirts.

I've had this shirt about 10 years, and this tie. I've never worn it.

I thought, that's a bit tricky, coming on a comedy show. Yeah.

You look good. You look tricky and I'm so glad you came on.

-It's a pleasure, mate. My family love you as well.

-No?

-Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Yeah, they do. They really like you.

-Do you agree with them or...?

LAUGHTER

I think you're all right, yeah.

-So, how are you, Raymondo?

-I'm good.

I'm great. We've got a good film out and... Well, it's a blinding film.

-It's Noah.

-Yeah.

-It's huge. It's an epic.

-It certainly is.

-It doesn't get more epic than Noah.

-No, I don't think...

Maybe The Ten Commandments or something like that. Or Spartacus.

-As far as disaster movies go.

-There's the Titanic, I suppose.

But the Titanic is just the people on a boat.

-This is the whole of civilisation.

-I guess that's true, really.

Everybody dies. I mean, I don't want to give away the ending!

-Yeah, but Noah doesn't.

-No, you're right. Not everybody.

You were pretty, er, frightening, your character, Tubal-Cain.

-Is he a real person in the Bible?

-Yeah, he's mentioned in the Bible.

-Not necessarily in the story of Noah.

-Oh, OK.

Tubal-Cain kind of actually represented mankind in a way.

And I guess at the end of the film you kind of sit back

and you have a think about it.

I kind of agreed with a lot of things he was saying in the movie.

-He's the baddie?

-Well, yeah, but I agreed with him.

-OK. Like what?

The stuff about saving us and not the animals.

Don't worry about the animals, they'll take care of themselves.

-Oh, so you're not a vegetarian?

-No.

For me, in a way, when you watch the film and understand it,

maybe that's the problem with us all.

We do kind of agree with what Tubal-Cain has to say in the movie.

Maybe that's the trouble with mankind. That was very deep for me!

That's unbelievable.

There you go. That's the trouble with mankind.

APPLAUSE

Apparently, a hurricane hit when you were making the film?

Yeah, it did. It was kind of weird.

I was filming in New York and Long Island and I was staying

in the Soho part of New York.

Hurricane Sandy hit. It was desperate what happened.

I was about 30 floors up and the building was shaking

and rocking and rolling.

-So, I do what all good Brits do, I hit the minibar.

-Yeah.

And I just watched it, I watched what was going on outside.

The power station blew up and then all the lights went out.

You know, the next morning, the most surreal thing was that everyone was

walking from the South of Manhattan very slowly to the North

where there was power. It was like a scene out of the film in the way.

Like an exodus.

-Someone was telling us not to make the movie.

-Did anyone suggest that?

-Did you feel quite spooked by it?

-I did a bit. It's a scary thing.

Did you look at the Ark and think, "We might be needing this"?

It was still there the next morning so we were all right.

-You had the Ark?

-Yeah. It kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

You know, a load of men built this Ark which is the real size

so it's not impossible it could have happened.

There's a lot of animals to get on it, though.

-Some didn't make it. That's why they're extinct.

-Yeah.

Do you think they had a meeting and picked and chose who would go?

No, I think whoever turned up got on it, basically.

I suppose if they lived the other side of the world they had

a bit of a hard job getting there.

There were ambiguous animals like ducks.

-Yeah, but ducks can float and fly.

-So, they're fine?

-Yeah, like fish.

-The fish didn't even know it happened.

No, they didn't care. They were laughing.

They were, "Is it my imagination or has my room got bigger?"

LAUGHTER

We've got a clip from this movie.

It's rated 12A which surprised me

-seeing as everyone dies apart from five people.

-Yeah.

I don't know what you need to do to get an 18 certificate.

There's no sex in it, that's why.

But there will be a lot of sex afterwards.

After, there has to be otherwise we wouldn't be here now.

In the sequel, it's all sex. Sex and dredging.

Anyway, we've got it clip from this amazing film.

There isn't anything for you here.

No, it all belongs to me.

This land, this forest, that stronghold of yours.

Did you really think you could protect yourself from me in that?

It's not protection from you.

Then what is it?

An ark to hold the innocent when the creator sends his deluge to wipe out

the wicked from this world.

Return to your cities of Cain.

No, we have all been judged.

-I have men at my back and you stand alone and defy me?

-I'm not alone.

-A good one. It's a goodness one.

-It's a great film actually.

There's quite a lot of hostility in this movie.

-You actually fight it out.

-Yeah, it's dark. It goes to dark places.

That's what's good about it. It's not just pussyfooting around.

But you and Russell... How did fight scenes go?

Well, you kind of work one or two things out

and then you kind of lock horns, you know, and you've got to.

This is not like stand up and throw this punch and that punch.

-It's like tearing at one another.

-You actually fight each other?

No, you don't actually chin one another or head-butt one another

or bite one another really, but you give the impression you are.

You know, you're grappling with one another.

I'm 57 years of age and Russell is not that far behind me,

so...it's like two old warriors having a war.

Do you get a sense when you're tussling,

if this was a real fight, you'd be like... I mean, is he very strong?

-He's a strong boy, yeah.

-Cos, you're strong too, Ray.

Well, I'm not the strongest, to be honest with you.

I'm not physically strong, but I'm slippery.

LAUGHTER

And I'm dirty.

You did a bit of boxing back in the day, didn't you?

-Yeah, I did. Many years ago.

-I've heard your record was outstanding.

Oh, this is with the boys, yeah.

So, when you fought other men, it's a very raw thing. How...

-Does that help you in life?

-Absolutely. I think it does.

You get another instinct.

When you walk in a room, you know whether there's trouble or not.

You know to avoid it if you want to.

But the other thing is also, working in the business I'm in,

when you stand on a set and look into an actor's eyes, you connect

with them right away because boxing is all about looking in the eyes.

It's confidence, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a false confidence as well, in a way,

because you have a fear when you walk into a room, you can have

a fear, when you don't know people.

I'm pretty shy, believe it or not, so you have to take a deep breath and

stick your chest out and walk in a place like you're meant to be there.

Sometimes that causes problems.

My wife says, "What's the matter with you?"

I say, "Babe, no-one really wants to talk to me anyway."

She says, "Because you walk into a room

"like you're going to kill someone."

LAUGHTER

You actually...

When I see you walk on stage when you're working,

you walk like a fighter, like a boxer. You walk on your toes.

-A boxer with a very poor record.

-Maybe.

-Maybe.

-I am on my toes. You're right.

This is a problem for me because I literally walk on my toes.

-On the balls of your feet.

-Yeah. Is that the front bit?

-Yeah.

That's been a problem for me because I run...

People used to laugh at me because I run on my toes like that.

Most people run like that.

When a fighter runs, he runs just like you're running.

The problem is I've ended up with calves bigger than my thighs.

-Seriously, I wouldn't lie.

-Show me. Jesus!

That's absurd, isn't it? That comes from walking on your toes.

No, that doesn't come from walking on your toes. I walk on my toes.

Feel that.

-That's a normal calf.

-No, no, no. That's not normal.

No, it isn't, is it?

-That's like someone has put a rugby ball down your sock.

-I know.

It's unbelievable. Show everyone your leg.

CHEERING

-It's not nice. It's creepy.

-Pull your strides up.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Look at that!

I've never seen anything like that.

There are people with their mouths open!

Even Dynamo is like, how did he do that?

LAUGHTER

-I can't get my trousers down.

-I'm surprised you got them on!

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Mr Ray Winstone.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I've got to go.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you. You're great.

Ray Winstone. Fantastic! Go on, Ray!

Right, Johnny. OK. Johnny, we're going to end this now.

I can tell you that Chelsea hasn't got back.

Ah, wicked! Sistaaaaa!

Sistaaaaa. She's like, "What? Shut up, weirdo!"

Johnny, you've got a lot of love in your life. You'll be absolutely fine.

You won't be single for long. Ladies and gentlemen, wonderful Johnny.

He will be rewarded. Johnny!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All I need to do is thank all my guests.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for the wonderful Holly Willoughby,

Dynamo...

..and, of course, the fantastic Ray Winstone.

Join me next week when I'll have on my show

James Corden, Tracey Emin, and Sir Bruce Forsyth.

Thank you. Good night. Bravo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE