Episode 6 The Michael McIntyre Chat Show

This programme contains some strong language

On the show tonight, James Corden...

APPLAUSE

Alex Jones...

APPLAUSE

Sir Bruce Forsyth...

APPLAUSE

But for now, please welcome Michael McIntyre!

You have got to be kidding.

You have got to be kidding.

Yes, baby! Whoo! I'm loving this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, what love in the room tonight!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Michael McIntyre Chat Show.

What an extraordinary show we have for you tonight,

the last of the series. Let's get going!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My first guest went from High Wycombe to Hollywood.

He is a sitcom star, Broadway darling, Brit-hosting and Comic Relief legend.

He's even had a number one hit single.

He is one man, two BAFTAs, he is in a league of his own.

It's James Corden!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How are you? You look really good all the time.

-Oh, come on.

-You do!

-No, that's not true.

-It is so nice to be sitting here in ties and suits.

Any time I normally see you, we're in sweat pants.

We need sweat pants in our life! Is that for comfort or for working out?

Well, I have seen you working out.

-Yeah. It's true. It's true.

-I have.

Michael and I share a personal trainer.

-I mean, it's...

-Don't you want to put that in the past tense?

It is a bad advert for him!

LAUGHTER

Seriously!

-Me and James went to Matt Roberts Gym.

-Changed our lives.

LAUGHTER

If I ever go to the gym or anything, I feel when I have a day,

I don't have enough hours in the day, they just fly by.

Except for the hour I'm in the gym!

Where it takes a lifetime.

I will be in the mirror and I will think I'm nearly done,

and I look and I've been there four minutes.

I always, always go to the toilet when I'm at the gym

even when I don't need to go to the toilet

and sometimes I just sit in there.

He'll go, "Right, let's get into some planking."

You know what planking is? You have to like, you go like this. You go,

you're on your arms and you have to go like this

-and on your legs and that's it.

-Ow!

That's it. By the end your whole body is like that.

-The burn.

-You're quite good at this. When he says,

"Let's do some planking," I say, "I've got to go to the toilet,"

and I'm just sitting there like this.

Go through your texts and stuff. I cheat on the runner,

the treadmill.

You go on the middle. If you distract him and say,

"Oh, look, I think it is James Corden over there." You can go on the side.

LAUGHTER

-Have you done Send To All yet?

-After this.

-This is the prize.

-That's the Send To All phone?

-You haven't done it? No-one's given you their phone?

-No.

-I have an idea.

I think we should play Send To All on YOUR phone.

-No.

-Yes.

-No. No. No.

CHEERING

-Come on.

-Not on MY phone!

Every week you pick someone out of the audience

and you embarrass them for an hour.

-Now, I think we should do it on your phone.

-No, I don't.

-No, I don't.

CHEERING

-Have you got your phone on you?

-This is my actual mobile.

-Bullshit.

This is my mobile.

We should play Send To All on your phone. It will be amazing.

-Do you really want me to do that?

-Don't you think it'll be hilarious?

ALL: Yes!

Come on, it will be so funny.

What about all the people I'm texting?

You don't think about that when it is Tom from Slough

who has to go back to his friends and say, "I didn't mean that."

-Is your phone here?

-I have my phone in my desk.

-Not to everyone.

-Give me your phone.

OK.

Hang on. Right, so...

You've already got some texts.

You can't go through my texts on the TV. That's not the show.

I've got questions about your career.

I'm going through your... Look, you've got some...

You have got "Ant not Dec."

LAUGHTER

I didn't want to just put Ant.

Anton Du Beke.

How often are you speaking to Anton Du Beke?

David Hasselhoff.

APPLAUSE

That's above David Haye. When does that ever happen?

This is a show in itself!

LAUGHTER

-This is a show in itself.

-I need to say that I don't know most of these people!

I just put... It's quite fun to have famous people in your phone.

I did have a mistake the other day.

I met Matt Smith, Doctor Who.

He gave me his number and I put it in the phone as Doctor Who

LAUGHTER

And my son had a bad reaction to his injections

-and I...

-LAUGHTER

I was supposed to send it to Dr Dan who is my doctor,

who is a doctor of medicine,

and I sent a photo of my son's arm to Matt Smith, Doctor Who!

I said, "What do you think is wrong with this?"

He said, "I'm not an actual doctor."

LAUGHTER

All right, so let's do Send To All on your phone!

-Are you all right about this?

-No.

LAUGHTER

Will you do it if I do it?

-APPLAUSE

-Have you got a phone? Oh, yes!

I think we should just call it a day!

I don't know your code. It has come off. The code has come off.

LAUGHTER

Meryl Streep?

LAUGHTER

You have taken my Hasselhoff and you've raised it!

I'm going to write, "I've just finished my chat show

"and I need to cut loose."

LAUGHTER

"Me and you lap dancing..."

No.

-I would never cut loose and I would never lap dance.

-"Are you in or out?

"Come on! Let's do this."

It's gone!

LAUGHTER

This isn't fair. Why did I ever do this to anybody else?

I will send the same thing except I will have to change it.

You haven't just finished your series. You have had a big week.

-You have been nominated...

-Yes.

-..for a BAFTA.

-That's true. APPLAUSE

-OK. I'm going to go a bit cocky on yours.

-Fuck off!

"Guess who has been nominated for a BAFTA?"

-No, you can't do that. You can't do that.

-I won't put that.

I'm going to put "Guess who has been nominated for ANOTHER BAFTA."

Oh, no!

Come on, there are some people that won't even believe me if I write back.

-"Guess who has been nominated for another BAFTA?"

-Oh, God.

"I know, it's me!"

-I wish I hadn't pressed send on yours.

-"The big dog."

LAUGHTER

I was behind that curtain thinking this is such a fun idea.

"Let's just celebrate the win now."

Because it will go to the person that I'm nominated with.

You can't send that! You can't send that! You can't send that!

You can't send that! You can't! It will go to Matt.

Just to fill people in, James has been nominated in the same category

-as his co-writer and co-star.

-Me and Matt have been nominated for the

same award and you can't put that

because he might never talk to me again.

I will put in brackets, "Don't bother with Matt's party."

Fuck off!

LAUGHTER

Don't put that.

-There's no way.

-All right.

"OK, let's celebrate the win lap dancing."

I'm going to send that. Ladies and gentlemen, that message is sending.

OK. So, many congratulations, James,

on being nominated for this award with your friend.

Is that a bit mean of them to pit you against each other?

Better that than just pick neither of us or one of us.

You are in movies now. You are a movie star. James is a movie star.

APPLAUSE This isn't true.

You have got a very big movie coming out with Meryl Streep,

who I saw in your phone. You've befriended her.

-And that's Into The Woods and that comes out...?

-At Christmas.

And we have another movie here called Begin Again.

I didn't even know you did this... We've got a picture of Begin Again.

-Yes... There.

-Is this product placement?

I have never seen so many Apple products and an actual apple?

LAUGHTER

I don't think it was product placement.

-What's Begin Again about?

-It is two stories that overlap

and cross in the middle and Mark Ruffalo plays a sort of

down on his luck, ex-record executive

and Keira Knightley plays a girl dumped by her now rock star boyfriend

and the stories meet in the middle

when he hears a song that Keira's character has written

and it is about music and love and loveliness in New York.

-When is it out?

-It is out in the summer. July.

I'm excited about America. I want to know what it is like

when you get involved in that Hollywood stuff.

Do they treat you like a god? Like, "Hey, James, you are awesome."

No, it's... Essentially, you just die of encouragement.

It's lots and lots of people telling that you are amazing

and you don't ever see them again.

"We should work together, it'd be amazing."

And then they just sort of...

Although, I am in LA and my American agent said,

"I want you to have a meeting with Spike Jonze."

I'm like, wow. This is amazing. This is huge.

I meet... I am in this office, a meeting room at CAA,

which is a really corporate environment

and I'm waiting to meet Spike Jonze who is a hero of mine

and Spike Jonze comes in and we're chatting

and it's clear that Spike Jonze doesn't know why he is meeting me.

And I've no idea why I'm meeting Spike Jonze.

We are just chatting

and then from nowhere Spike Jonze goes, "Do you want to wrestle?"

I went, "Sorry, what?"

He went, "Do you like to wrestle?"

I went, "What, like, arm...?"

He went, "No, no. Do you want to wrestle right now?"

I went, "I'll destroy you."

And he went, "Well, let's find out."

Stands up. Takes off his jacket and empties his pockets

on to the desk and starts going like this around the table.

I'm going, "Spike I don't know if this is just a thing you do.

"This is really weird for me."

And he is going, "Come on, what are you going to do?

"What are you going to do?"

I'm going, "I don't know what to do."

I stand up and take off my coat

and I'm laughing and I said, "You're going to have to make the first move here, Spike,

"cos I don't know if I'm being punked or something."

From nowhere he just jumped on me and slammed me into this wall and for the

next ten minutes, we just wrestled around this room!

He is grabbing my face and I had him in a headlock

and at one point he had a finger in my eye

and he just went, "What do you want to do next in your career?"

He pinned me to the... He pinned me on the floor and he was going,

"You are going to have to submit." I went, "I will never submit.

I was trying to wriggle and every time I wriggled I got deeper into a hole.

I went, "OK, I submit." And we both lay on the floor going... HE PANTS

Poured a glass of water and we drank them really quickly...

Put them down and we sat down and carried on talking and that was it.

-Barking mad!

-I have not heard from him since.

I don't think I will ever see him again.

-It was so weird.

-Forget Hollywood.

-It was so strange.

-That does not happen in this country!

Well, I know that obviously you've got big representation in LA

and you're having amazing meetings/fighting.

But what I'm very keen for everyone to know about...

-First of all, I'm going to play this bit - there's a documentary coming out on the BBC...

-Mm.

-..which is When Corden Met Barlow...

-Yeah.

-..who is a hero of yours.

-Absolute hero of mine.

-An excellent clip.

# We both know love was lost... #

-Why this one?

-It's a whole mix. It's a mix of the whole back catalogue.

# Love ain't here any more... #

-Do you like this one?

-Yes!

# No, no, love ain't here any more... #

Take it big, Gary, go.

-# It's one away

-Ooh... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-# Love

-Love

# Ain't here any more. #

-Let's see what else we've got.

-Hang on. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is so fun. It is so much fun. It was so great.

We just spent two days just travelling

round like places of his past, talking to his mum

and we went to the working men's club that he first ever performed in

and Nigel Martin-Smith, who put Take That together, and... It was great.

We got interviews with Robbie Williams and Elton John

and it was, for me, a real dream come true.

-And he's such a charming, lovely man.

-It was great, yeah.

I was a Take That fan when it wasn't cool to be a Take That fan when you were a boy.

I went with like nine girls from my school...

-LAUGHTER Just nine girls and me.

-What was it about Take That?

I just loved the routines and the songs and everything. I love it! I love the shows! Seriously!

-How old were

-you then? 12. 12 to 16. Right through school, I was fully...

-Did you get picked on for this a little bit?

-Um... I guess so, yeah.

People used to go... Yeah, people used to say things all the time.

They were into things like Nirvana and they're writing things...

-Red Hot Chili Peppers...

-Buy another trench coat.

o, yeah, I was very much with the girls.

BOTH: # Could it be magic, now! #

Yeah! I knew all the routines. I knew everything. I loved it so much.

I'm going to play one more clip. When I saw this... I just felt like more people need to see it.

I don't know how many people saw it when you were singing together with Barlow, but it's brilliant!

-Absolutely brilliant! This was what you did for ITV, I think.

-Oh, his Christmas show.

-Yeah.

If I could have told my 12-year-old self that I would have got to

do this, like, his head would have exploded, it was so much fun.

I think watching this, you need to think of that 12-year-old boy,

being slightly picked on by the Red Hot Chili Pepper, Nirvana-loving, crazy-haired kids,

-and you're just with the routines, you're hanging round mainly with girls at this stage.

-Yeah.

And then all those years later, this.

# Surely, we must be inside

# Of the dream we love to live

# If you stop and close your eyes

# You'll picture me inside

# I'm so cold and all alone. #

CHEERING

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Sensational!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Really brilliant!

When we...

When we...

When Gary asked if I'd come and do that, he said, "Don't worry.

"We'll get someone to teach you the routine." And I went, "No, Gary. It's cool."

-LAUGHTER

-I'm doing it right now!

-I've got it down. Yeah!

-No, it was great.

-Ladies and gentlemen, if you've just tuned in,

we've reluctantly swapped phones and we should see how that's getting on.

I'm so nervous about this! Shall we do that?

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

OK.

-JAMES LAUGHS

-Oh, shit!

OK, I'm just going to remind everybody of the text, which was...

It was... I sent, "I've just finished my chat show and I need to cut loose.

"Me and you, lap dancing. Are you in or out?

-"Come on, let's do this." Right?

-Yeah.

-And the first one that comes up is Judy Murray.

-No way!

Andy Murray's mum!

-Judy Murray?!

-And it says, "Who are you?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Judy Murray!

-Judy Murray!

-OK, hang on.

-OK. Anton Du Beke.

-No!

-"At last, some real dancing. I'm in!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"I'm so ready!"

-"I love the idea of you and Anton Du Beke...

-I can't believe Du Beke's in!

What have you got?

OK. So the text I sent out on James's phone... I can't speak.

-I'm so embarrassed about Judy Murray and Anton Du Beke.

-Judy...

What kind of a night out is that going to be?

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Michael, do you want another lappy?

LAUGHTER

I'll lend you a 20! She's got a fine pair, that one!

LAUGHTER

-She's suddenly Taggart!

-"Guess who's been nominated for another BAFTA.

-"Yes, that's right. It's me, the big dog."

-Oh, God!

"Let's celebrate the win now. You and me going lap dancing. Let's do this."

-OK, we've got an absolutely wonderful one from Jack Whitehall.

-OK.

"Have to be Spearmint Rhino. I'm banned from Stringfellows."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I can't believe... You're going to have such a good night.

I've just got a maybe from Judy Murray and Anton Du Beke,

-who is already there with a bottle of Champagne.

-Not true. You've got a great one just come in.

From Clarkson. LAUGHTER

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

LAUGHTER

Luke Coxwald has said, "Mm, very kind, Michael,

"but I'm not about this week. Tuesday I can do."

LAUGHTER "Secrets, Hammersmith, super venue."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-He's an estate agent. A country estate agent.

-Sure.

"Tuesday, I can do. Can you work around my schedule?

"I'm showing a house on Monday."

Alan Carr says, "Well, someone's full of beans!"

LAUGHTER

"You have a short memory.

"Last time we went lap dancing, you pulled something."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I...

Is Alan Carr getting the biggest laugh on my chat show?

LAUGHTER Hang on! Hold up! Hold up!

Roy Hodgson...

LAUGHTER

-No way!

-"I'm sure you don't mean ME, Michael.

"My dancing days are long gone, but have a good night. Best, Roy."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, it's too much. OK. Shall we go with Harry Styles?

OK.

"Great! But what is it with you and lap dancing?"

LAUGHTER

"You know what happened last time we did that. Wasn't pretty.

-"Maybe we shouldn't bring Max this time." That's your child.

-My son.

And then he's put in brackets, which I quite like,

"Are you playing Send To All with Michael McIntyre?" Harry Styles!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Harry Styles!

APPLAUSE

-Oh, dear!

-Well, this, let's be honest, couldn't have gone better.

-We're going to have to check in on this later on. Are you OK to do that?

-Yeah, sure. Give me my phone.

LAUGHTER

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in thanking the absolutely wonderful James Corden.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic!

That was really bad! I'm going to keep this.

James Corden, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

How amazing was James Corden, ladies and gentlemen?

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-What a night we're having!

OK.

My next guest is a wondrous ray of Welsh sunshine.

Five days a week at seven o'clock sharp, she steals our hearts.

Please welcome the delightfully dishy TV queen of The One Show.

She's the one, the only... Alex Jones is here!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

How are you?

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-Alex Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Alex Jones, you're looking very, very, very good.

-Oh!

Thank you very much, Michael McIntyre.

-Can't beat a black dress, can you?

-It's actually a really long T-shirt.

-Even better!

Do you have somebody advising you on...? Cos it's very difficult,

you're on that show five days a week, to come up with a new outfit every day.

It's very difficult and especially on a budget of (£18 a day).

-£18 a day?!

-I mean, that's really... That's quite hard, girls, right?

-£18...

-A day. So when people go, "It's lovely because you always wear

"stuff from the high street," I don't have a choice!

-LAUGHTER

-Now, listen, I'm very proud of you, Alex Jones,

-and what you did for Sport Relief.

-Right.

-Oh, my God!

Will you inform us what you went through and how much you raised?

So I climbed a 1,200 foot rock in Utah, in the National Park,

in Zion National Park.

And it was a rock called Moonlight Buttress

and I crack-climbed Moonlight Buttress...

-What does that mean?

-LAUGHTER

You crack-climbed? Is that something to do with the guy above you?

LAUGHTER Well, we'll talk about that in a minute. But crack-climbing is

when you have to wedge your hands into these tiny cracks,

until your hand is stuck,

and then you pull all your body weight onto your hand

and then you wedge your feet in and your other hand and so on.

It was unpleasant.

When you're lifting your body up

because your hand is wedged in a crack?

-Yeah.

-But how do you un-wedge your hand?

Well, you pull yourself up, you make yourself safe with your other

hand, and then you remove this hand and replace and repeat.

I think we've got a picture of the rock.

That is absolutely terrifying! That's you! It's you, isn't it?

-It's me!

-You've got your hand in a crack and you're going up there.

-LAUGHTER

-So what about when the cracks ran out?

Well, there's cracks all the way up because it's made of sandstone.

-Doesn't that worry you?

-I was petrified, the entire time.

It took two-and-a-half days to climb, which is physically really demanding.

-You have to stay the night.

-You have to stay the night.

-On the rock!

-And they haven't got a B&B.

-So you had to make yourself a bed. I think we've got footage of that.

This is truly remarkable.

It's such a faff, isn't it? Argh!

Just need to pull it, so it's...

-Well, it's quite unstable, isn't it, really?

-Yeah.

OK.

-OK?

-I'm not sure about this!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That is truly remarkable.

What's holding you up?

-What would you call that?

-Well, that is called a portaledge.

OK.

But basically, you're sharing a double bed with somebody

-you've never met. Awkward.

-Not for him!

LAUGHTER Well...

But it's not just the sleeping. The sleeping's the easy bit.

Well, not that easy when you're at 1,000 feet.

But it's just the whole thing of, you know, having your evening meal

and having a chat with somebody you don't know, which is

absolutely fine, but then obviously you have to have a little wee

each before you start eating.

-How do you do that?

-Otherwise you can't relax.

-How do you...?

-LAUGHTER

-How do you have a little wee each?

-LAUGHTER

Um... Well, it goes like this.

He said, "This is what we're going to do.

"I'm going to put my iPod on,"

so he played a nice bit of Elbow and we took it in turns

-to have the sleeping bag over our head while he went to the loo...

-So you weren't looking.

And then he had the sleeping bag over his head

while I knelt and...tried to use a she-wee.

LAUGHTER

Whoa! Wait a minute! What's a she-wee?

I've never heard of a she-wee. What's a she-wee?

It's a contraption... Girls, you know what a she-wee is.

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-What kind of an audience is this?

I've got an audience full of she-wees!

Is this how you get through the recording without going to the loo?

LAUGHTER

Well, a she-wee is a funnel device and it's made in such a way that it

allows girls to pee without pulling down their trousers.

LAUGHTER

You're tethered to the rock, like a small dog. Or a big dog, even.

He's got a sleeping bag over his head, listening to Elbow...

# One day like this a year... #

I don't think so! You've got Alex Jones outside, she-weeing!

LAUGHTER

-So I have my back to him...

-Right, you've got your back to him, he's...

On my knees. He's there, singing along to Elbow.

And then you get your she-wee and then you unzip your trousers

and then you pop the she-wee in the right position...

Excellent.

And then, you point the she-wee into a bag of sand.

-Oh! It disperses into the sand.

-No.

LAUGHTER

Into a bag of sand that then crystallises,

so then you can carry your urine with you up the cliff.

-Do you mind if I chip in?

-Go on.

Why don't you just piss off the mountain?

LAUGHTER

My only frame of reference is on the motorway.

-Oh. Well, it's good for that.

-Yeah. The children, when they need a pee and I can't stop,

I'll throw an Evian bottle back there.

And then it gets to the point where it's like, "Daddy, it's full!"

And then it's just all over the leather.

I've looked round. "Oh, for God's sake, darling!

"Why are you peeing so much?"

And then my wife's having to finish her Evian to throw back the Evian.

And then we forget it's there and six weeks later, I'm thirsty...

-"Put that down!" It's a nightmare. You don't have children yet.

-No.

-That's my life. Now, Alex, you're Welsh...

-Right.

-You speak Welsh, don't you?

-Oh, yes.

-Could you speak Welsh, just a little bit, cos it's the finest language?

-Be' ti moyn gwbod, Michael?

-What?

-LAUGHTER

Wel, alla i weud unrhywbeth wrthot ti yn Gymraeg. Ti moyn dysgu peth?

-Is that what they speak in Pingu?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Cos we could have a conversation. Let's have a conversation in Welsh.

OK.

PRETENDS TO SPEAK WELSH

O, Michael! Ti'n siarad trwy dy het.

PRETENDS TO SPEAK WELSH

Dwyt ti ddim yn neud dim synnwyr cyffredin.

PRETENDS TO SPEAK WELSH LOUDLY

Ti'n deall? CONTINUES TO PRETEND

O! Paid a bod yn gas!

CONTINUES PRETENDING

Na welliant. Da iawn, Michael.

-APPLAUSE

-How the hell do you...? Cos no-one else speaks it in Wales.

-How did you learn that?

-Course they do.

-Not really.

-600,000, 700,000.

-Speak Welsh?

-Yeah.

And how many people are in Wales?

LAUGHTER About...three to four million.

Oh, so the others have just gone, "Oh, we'll go with

"the English." Cos they write it up on every sign, don't they?

-The thing is... It is quite trendy now.

-There's not a lot of vowels in it.

Cos you have consonants back-to-back.

I see words, entire words, and it's just like... Ds and Gs and...

Is there a Welsh version of Countdown?

-LAUGHTER

-No, there isn't. Do they just always go, "Nine"?

LAUGHTER

"What does it mean?" "I don't bloody know, but I'm sure I've seen it."

LAUGHTER

"I've got nine also."

The Conundrum, they just go, "Yeah, as you are."

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Alex Jones, this wonderful expedition that you

did for Sport Relief, risking your mind, body and soul,

and peeing into a she-wee, how much did you manage to raise?

I'm not sure what the latest total is,

but it was over £1.5 million last time we checked.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Alex Jones, thank you so much for coming.

You were absolutely brilliant. The wonderful, the gorgeous,

the charitable, the divine, the she-wee using Alex Jones!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. That was brilliant. Amazing.

-You're amazing. Thank you so much.

-Thank you so much.

-Have a safe journey.

-Thank you.

-Alex Jones, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely fantastic.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Fabulous!

OK, right. I can see a lurking James Corden.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Corden is lurking!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That's mine.

OK. We've had some nice ones come back in.

My favourite on yours so far is Liam from One Direction says,

"Time and place, I'm there, giving it big ones."

LAUGHTER

We're getting dangerously close to having to have this night out.

Yeah.

-Bertie Carvel.

-Yes, wonderful actor.

Right. "James? Is that you? Must be. The only big dog I know."

LAUGHTER

"Congratulations! Amazing! And richly deserved."

-Classic actor.

-Yeah.

"Congratulations! Amazing! Richly deserved!

"My only experience of receiving a lap dance was possibly

"the most awkward and self-conscious moment of my life.

"But I'll happily dance for you in celebration.

"Can't come out to play tonight, but let's make a date.

"See you at the Olivier's on Sunday."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-You've got a friend in here called Award.

-That's my mother-in-law.

OK.

-Oh, shit!

-LAUGHTER

Oh, no, no, no, no!

The mother-in-law has put,

"Hey, M, are you sure this was for me?

"If so, maybe we should talk."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Then you've got someone called Dude.

-That's my brother.

-OK.

He's put, "Are you kidding? Of course I am in!

"Do you want to do this right now? I think it is happy hour until 10."

-Who is Rudy?

-Rudy is my sister.

"Classic, Jabrone." Who is Jabrone?

-It is just what we call each other. Jabrone.

-What's that about?

I don't know. It just happened one day.

We just started calling each other Jabrone.

"Although I think a brother-sister lapdance combo

"would be hashtag 'awks'.

-"Well done, mate, so proud, love you."

-Aaaw!

-That's very sweet.

-David Walliams has come in here.

-OK.

"Congratulations, and so lovely you haven't lost your humility."

-Classic Walliams.

-Who is Will Kitchen?

He is the guy doing the kitchen.

"You know what I like but I can't do tonight,

"I have got work tomorrow morning,

"but I am liking where your head is at."

That is not from Will? The guy from the kitchen company?

-"When are you filming next, and when can we go out?"

-Will?!

He came round once to measure the kitchen!

-Who is Baco?

-"Bay-co." Richard Bacon.

-Oh, Richard Bacon?

-Yeah.

-He has put "100 per cent in."

-No surprise.

-"I have a strict policy of never saying no to an invite.

"Do you mean tonight or next few days?"

He is ready to go immediately!

I had no idea this would be so funny.

He literally got the text and went, "Right, I am out!"

-Who is Gino D? Is that Gino D'Acampo?

-Yes.

He's put, "WTF?!!" Double exclamation mark!

"I just asked my son to read me the text as I was busy cooking."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He said, "Daddy, I think the funnyman wants to see you naked."

"What am I going to say now?"

Then he has put, "Anyway, tell me when and where and I will be there!"

-I've got no idea!

-And an emoticon wink. One of those.

APPLAUSE

-Right, are we swapping back?

-Thank you so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, what a laugh, James Corden.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a sport!

My final guest is a true national treasure,

a television titan, and entertainment legend.

He has lit up our screens in a record-breaking broadcasting career

lasting an incredible 74 years.

He is the King of the Swingers, the Lord of the Dance,

and a knight of the realm. Didn't he do well?

Please, ladies and gentlemen, be upstanding,

for Sir Bruce Forsyth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wonderful.

-Amazing.

Don't stop. Stay like that.

-Sir Bruce, I can't believe you're not doing Strictly any more.

-No.

This was big news. Did you expect it to be such big news?

No. I didn't expect it to make all the fuss it did.

Very flattered by all that, it has been marvellous,

but I'm doing the Christmas show, and I'm doing Children In Need,

because that's a charity show.

And the BBC have got a couple of other little things for me to do,

some specials, that I will love doing as well.

So why are you stopping now?

Well, you know, there comes a time when you say, this is...

You know, you will feel the same in about two years' time.

You do get to this stage where you think, this is enough.

And I do get tired.

Doing live television is very, very strenuous.

Especially when some of the shows are an hour and 40 minutes long.

Apart from the strenuous physical activity of hosting the show,

-you have enjoyed it?

-I loved it. It is beautiful...

-Biggest show on television.

-A lovely, lovely show.

The biggest show on television, yes.

And I had to think very seriously about giving it up.

But I know it is better for me, physically,

I will spend more time with my wife and my family,

I will be able to have little breaks, which are good.

And as I say, the live, live, every week, you see,

and if I made a mistake with the autocue, it is big news.

"Well, he is 86 years old, he is past it..." And I was getting all that.

And you don't need that, you know? Who needs it?

Well, Sir Bruce, I think I speak for everybody

when I say you will be very badly missed.

APPLAUSE

-And I will.

-It is a long time.

-It is a long time, yes. And I will miss it.

I will miss it like mad, I really will.

It was a decision, I would rather do it this year

rather than wait another year, because you never know.

Then I was getting the flu. I always got the flu in studios,

they are so full of germs.

Be careful!

So many dancers, so many contestants.

Did you always know who they were?

No. Especially... I have got to admit this!

Especially the soap stars.

But they were, I think the celebrities we have had,

I mean, it takes, it really does take a lot of guts, to go out there,

onto a dance floor, and you have never done anything like that,

and I am indebted to all the celebrities

that have taken part in Strictly.

Because it has taken such courage to do that.

And they have all been wonderful. They really have.

You will be watching Strictly, I suppose, in the autumn,

-like the rest of us?

-I certainly will. I won't miss one single show.

We've got a little montage of you hosting Strictly.

Oh, really? Have you really?

It is nice to see you, to see you...

ALL: Nice!

MUSIC: "Let Me Entertain You" by Robbie Williams

Michael Torbay took his wife to see the West Indies play once.

I said, "Jamaica?" He said, "If..."

AUDIENCE GROAN No, just a minute!

Your thumb, darling. Get it down.

He was looking at you, asking, "Is it all right?"

Tell me, Tom, have I still got it?

Well, yes, Bruce, but it looks a little worn out.

You're working with a legend, don't you understand that, son?!

Gangnam style.

I do apologise. My behaviour was tote inapprops.

Keep dancing!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I will miss it. I will miss it.

-Now, Bruce, do you know what is so exciting for me to see?

-What?

Just you with an audience.

-You've spent so much of your life in front of an audience.

-Yes, yes.

And you have got a young crowd, which is wonderful. They really are.

But you are really entertaining the young crowds now. Glastonbury.

That's what amazed me about Glastonbury.

You know, I thought, these young people,

they will want one of these edgy comedians,

that get those kind of laughs, maybe swear a bit, and all that.

You know, I don't do that.

How did it come about that you performed at Glastonbury?

I don't know, I don't know how they let me in, but they did!

-So did they ask you?

-Of course they did. For goodness' sake!

I know you couldn't just walk on!

-If this is going to be the tone of the interview...

-Sorry, Bruce...

-So, watch it!

-What I meant is... This is you in the tent at Glastonbury.

Oh, yes, that's me. But it was marvellous.

I was on the Avalon stage.

It was going on BBC News, Sky News, they had to put the barriers up,

because people couldn't get in. I was stunned.

I think it is the most incredible reception, apart from tonight...

CHEERING

-..that I have ever had.

-Really?

-It was quite amazing, quite amazing.

-And what kind of stuff did you do?

-What I always do.

I sing, I dance, I get involved with the audience, I play the piano.

Was it scripted?

My one-man show I have been doing off and on for years and years.

-I alter little bits of it now and again.

-You are also going on tour.

So, Bruce Forsyth Entertains.

That's it. I'm doing three dates. Just to keep my hand in.

Southampton, Bristol and Nottingham. You can see Sir Bruce Forsyth Entertains.

-APPLAUSE

-It will be wonderful.

When you started on Sunday Night At The Palladium,

that was the pinnacle.

A wonderful atmosphere.

And still probably the greatest theatre

that we've got in England.

It is a beautiful theatre.

I went there the other day, doing this thing, life stories, Sammy Davis Jr.

-Oh, yes.

-And of course, we worked together.

-Perspectives.

-Perspectives, yes. 25th May.

-25th of May on ITV.

You can always tell when a theatre is really special,

when you go there when it is empty,

because it still has an atmosphere.

You can still feel. Like the Albert Hall.

It comes right around. I thought, "That will be so difficult to work."

It comes right around so you have got the audience very close.

You think it is remote, but it isn't.

Tell me about Sammy Davis Jr.

Believe me, this man was incredible.

He was the ultimate entertainer.

I have just been watching some of his archive material and it is stunning.

It is amazing how beautifully worked... He does a gun routine.

-Have you ever seen...?

-Yes.

-Eh? You are lying!

No, I haven't seen his gun routine. I'm familiar with his work.

Sammy Davis Jr.

He's Sammy Davis's son!

Do you remember Sammy Davis Sr?

-Of course I do, I know all the Sammy Davises!

-Now you are lying!

-I know all the Sammy Davises!

-Because I've never seen him myself!

Another of your heroes was Fred Astaire,

who was also an incredible mover.

He was incredible.

I suppose, as a dancer, you're interested in how people move,

-you spot that.

-Spot it straightaway. And you can tell...

How do you move then, Bruce? As a dancer.

You want to see me walk? You can tell by the walk.

How does a dancer walk, compared to a normal person?

Well, a dancer, normally a dancer will walk, usually a bit more,

-shall we say, turned out?

-OK.

If they are ballet dancers, they walk like this.

Fred Astaire had a great walk. He sort of, really...

-That's a great walk.

-Was that like Fred?

APPLAUSE

So, tap dancing, Bruce. I was wondering if...

Tap dancing, I'll teach you a little bit of tap dancing.

Would you like a little bit of tap dancing?

CHEERING

Before we sit down, brief little start.

Here we are.

-Just do, toe, toe...

-Yeah.

-Toe, heel, and everything I do, you do. OK?

-All right.

-And then you'll do...

OK?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So...

-So we are sitting? Tap dance sitting?

We hear a bit of music, then I do a little step,

and then the next time you hear the music, you do the same step.

-OK.

-Follow me, and everything will be all right.

-I will do that.

Good. Cue music.

PIANO PLAYS

Go!

No, not yet!

Now you do it!

Good. Left foot, right.

Twirl!

One, two, three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You're a dancer!

-It has happened!

Thank you so much. Thank you, Bruce.

-Thank you very much.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Bruce Forsyth!

Legend!

-Thank you. That was such fun.

-Thank you so much.

Sir Bruce Forsyth!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tremendous. OK, thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

All that remains is for me to thank all my guests,

the wonderful James Corden!

What a wonderful guest. A wonderful sport.

How dare he do that to me?

The beautiful and gorgeous, Alex Jones!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the legend himself, Sir Bruce Forsyth!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for watching at home.

We will be back later in the year with more

of Michael McIntyre's Chat Show.

Until then, thank you, bravo!