Episode 1 The Rob Brydon Show

# There's no business like show business...

Tonight is a show business spectacular.

We have comedy from Nina Conti.

APPLAUSE

We'll be getting musical with The Script.

And chatting to the all-singing, all-dancing Matt Lucas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's show time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Welcome! Thank you!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Welcome to the show, welcome to the show, thank you very much.

Thank you. Ooh, there we are, straight away. Lady with a tattoo.

-What is your name?

-Cindy.

-Cindy. Hello, Cindy.

-Hello, Rob.

-Don't tell me what you do, don't tell me. Beautician!

-No.

-What?

-I'm a roofer.

LAUGHTER

I didn't finish. Beautician of the top of people's houses.

-Yes!

-You're not seriously a roofer?

-Fascias, soffits and guttering.

I didn't get any of that.

Are you from London?

-What? What?

-Fascias, soffits and guttering.

Again, I'm sorry, absolutely nothing.

It's the bit just underneath the roof.

-The house?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

"It's the bit just underneath the roof." Where I come from, love, that is the house.

-That's the house.

-That little bit on top of the house, the roof.

We've got a David here, where's David? Hello, sir.

Now, you, there's something special about you.

-I've been told that you're a bit psychic.

-A little bit psychic, yeah.

That's how you describe yourself? "A little bit psychic"?

Not the full Uri Geller. "I'm a little bit psychic." What does that mean?

If I don't sleep all night,

when I wake up in the morning and put the news on,

it usually means that somebody famous has died.

WOMAN GASPS

Ooh, there was a chill went round the room then.

Well, give us an example.

It started when Princess Diana died.

-Oh, no, really?

-And the most recent was when Osama Bin Laden died.

No! Can I ask you, just from a personal point of view,

did you get a good night last night?

LAUGHTER

Seriously? And does it always happen if you've had a bad night's sleep?

-It does, yep.

-WOMAN GASPS

LAUGHTER

We've found the most easily shocked woman in Britain.

Who was it who did the big intake of breath?

-You know who it was.

-Was it you?

-Yes.

-What's your name, shockable?

-Katie.

-Katie.

-Yes.

-Katie the Shocked.

I'm just fearful for your own life.

Well, he has said he got a full eight hours last night.

So if you've had a bad night's sleep,

you must genuinely wake up a bit scared.

Yeah, for somebody's life, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, ooh, it's very upsetting. Very upsetting indeed.

We've got somebody special here tonight. A VIP. We have a president.

We have Mr President. Where are you?

It's Kevin. Hello, Kevin.

-Hello, how are you?

-Kevin Beresford.

Tell everybody what you are the president of.

I'm the president of the UK Roundabout Appreciation Society.

LAUGHTER

Is this shared by family? Does your wife like the roundabouts?

Er, she's left me, actually.

All right, all right, come on, Kevin, hold it together.

Did she say, "I'm fed up, we're just going round and round in circles"?

I mean, what do you want?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And how many members have you got?

Just me at the moment.

That's not a society, Kevin, that's you.

Very nice to have you with us. Thank you very much.

That takes us on very nicely to my first guest.

His shows are the highest-rating comedies on television,

he's a triple BAFTA winner, and now he's the toast of the West End.

Please give a massive welcome for the brilliant Matt Lucas!

Hello.

How are you? Nice to see you.

Hello, there, everybody.

Thank you.

Hello there, I enjoyed that.

-Should I keep this button done up or not?

-I always undo cos Terry Wogan always undid his.

But this is a bit high. I've gone a bit old man, you see.

So I'm not sure whether to...

-I think that's fantastic. We should...

-You like that? I'll do it if you do it.

We'll do it for the interview.

You can go up higher than that.

Well, maybe, I'll see how the interview goes.

When I phoned you up to ask you to come on the show,...

-Yes.

-..I wasn't phoning you in North London.

You were in LA, and you're there lots now, aren't you?

Um, yeah, I split my time between the two. This is home, though, obviously.

So who are you hanging out with? Cos I saw a photo of you...

This was so impressive. I showed it to my wife, "Look who he's with!"

You were with David Beckham and Tom Cruise.

Er, yes, that did happen because...

I wasn't accusing you of it. LAUGHTER

No, well, you see, the thing is,

I feel slightly strange going onto a chat show and saying, "Oh, yeah, my friends Tom and David"

because really, the man who brought me and David over to America to do Little Britain over there

is this man Simon Fuller, and he's a very nice man,

and he said, "Do you want to come and watch LA Galaxy play?"

-That's the football team that Beckham plays for?

-Yes.

So I went along. But I was sat in the seat behind Tom Cruise.

Was he stood up on the seat jumping up and down so you said, "Get down, man, I can't see."

Oh, he'll never block your view. Trust me.

-He's not a tall man.

-How tall?

-One foot.

So he's literally, what, he's like that?

-He's one foot.

-What, shorter than me?

-No.

So how tall, then? Cruise?

-Really? It's Tom Cruise?

-Yeah, how tall? How tall?

I'm six one so... LAUGHTER

Well, honestly, he's probably about...

(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, that's shorter than me!

Lower voice than you.

Well, I'm upset.

-So you're telling me that Cruise is there?

-Yeah.

Wow. I picture him there.

-So he's like this. (AMERICAN ACCENT) Man,

-love

-your movie, man!

That's right, yeah, he is like that, yeah.

-Oh, man, I'm

-stoked!

Yeah, like really...

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

-Is that what he's like?

-Yeah.

Wow. Wow.

But a nice guy?

Well, I've only met him twice.

-Whoo!

-And he was...

-I'm so jealous, Matt.

-Really?

-Yeah, I'd

-love

-to meet Tom Cruise.

Well, you probably won't, but...

LAUGHTER

So you're not going over there for good, are you?

I don't like to think of you as being one of those people who leaves us and goes all Hollywood.

Well, look at me, I'm fat and pale. How Hollywood am I going to go?

-It's not really going to happen.

-Matt, three words. Danny DeVito.

LAUGHTER

Now then, you can do any accent, can't you?

You do them on Little Britain and Rock Profile and stuff. You are brilliant.

Thank you very much. Well, you can do... Welsh.

But you can, though.

Some, I can do some. Shout out an accent, and I'll try and do it.

-West Indian.

-(WEST INDIAN) No, shout out an accent and I try and do it.

But I probably do it quite badly.

But this is the great character in Come Fly With Me, Precious.

(WEST INDIAN) We got no coffee! We got no coffee!

What about... I'm just going to ask you to do greatest hits now.

I loved when you were the drugs counsellor in Little Britain.

(SCOTTISH) That's right, Doug Ramsay. Don't forget to be everything you're not

as well as everything you are.

He would just talk rubbish. Just rubbish.

(SCOTTISH) You're nothing! You're a disgrace! Get out! Sit back down.

-Something like that, right?

-Yeah, I love that.

-It was a fun character.

Where does that come from?

I don't know. The only thing,

some people see it and identify it as a great skill,

and I'm very flattered.

But I can't drive.

LAUGHTER

And there's things I can't do that everyone else can do.

-Ahh.

-No, don't patronise me, it's pure laziness.

-It's pure laziness on my part.

-Yes.

I can do funny voices and funny faces, look.

Which is the camera? This one?

But I can't drive.

Why can't you drive?

Cos I'm a bit of a sort of daydreamer and I just worry...

Like, if I go and have a wee, I'm not joking,

I go and have a wee, I'm there 15 minutes before I remember,

"Oh, no, I was supposed to do a wee, wasn't I?"

My mind just drifts off.

So I'm just worried that I'll be driving and I'll be thinking,

"Oh yeah, you know, I'm sure the Topic I just ate

was a bit smaller than the Topics I used to eat when... Smash!"

James Dean all over again.

I called you "the toast of the West End",

because that's kind of what you've become, you're doing Les Mis now.

I'm in Les Miserab-luh. Les Miserabe.

(FRENCH) Les Miserables.

-I theenk eef you are like me, you just say, Les Miserables.

-OK.

-It means "the miserables", doesn't it?

-No, it doesn't.

-Yes, it does.

-No, it doesn't.

-What does it mean?

-It means... something else I can't remember.

Of course it means that. Les Miserables!

-No, it doesn't, it means "the wretches".

-Yes, it does, you're right.

Matt, does this mean goodbye to comedy?

Well, the role itself is quite funny, hopefully.

Who do you play? I play Thenardier the innkeeper, who sings this big song Master Of The House.

-# Master of the house #

-# Doo bee doo bee doo #

-That's all I know.

-It's all

-I

-know!

-It's a great part.

-Well, they're making a film of it so that was your audition as far as I'm concerned.

-Are you going to be in the film?

-No idea.

I'm assuming I won't. I'm assuming they'll have a big Hollywood star.

I'm assuming Justin Bieber will play my role.

Can I ask you about musical theatre in the form of musical theatre?

Oh, all right, yeah.

So I'll say, (SINGS) "Oh, Matt". Don't snigger.

(SINGS) Oh, Matt, oh, Matt, when you were young,

you used to have so much fun with theatre, is it true?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

(SINGS) Actually, as a child, I enjoyed Guys And Dolls.

I was in Guys And Dolls. Did you ever act in it?

-(SINGS) No.

-No, we're speaking now.

Oh, right, OK.

-I played Sky Masterson in Guys And Dolls.

-Did you?

# They call you Lady Luck

# But there is room for doubt

# At times you have a very un-lady-like way of running out

# You're on this date with me

# The bookings have been lush

What?!

# And yet, before this evening is over, you might...

# Give me the brush

# You might forget your manners

# You might refuse to stay

# And so the best that I can do

# Is pray

Whoa!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Lucas.

Time now for some music.

Their debut album sold over two million copies,

they've recently had a Brit Award nomination,

and best of all, their music has been played on EastEnders.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Script!

Hey, guys.

How are you?

-Welcome. Welcome.

-Thank you very much.

-Thanks for coming on.

Big fans, big fans.

I pick up a little lilt to the voice there.

-A bit of an accent.

-A little lilt. What part of Wales are you from?

-What, are you Dubliners?

-Yeah, all born, bred and starved in Dublin.

Now, you've worked with some of my heros. You've done stuff with U2.

We supported them in our national stadium in Ireland, yeah.

That's just pinch-me stuff, isn't it?

It was great to play for our own audience as well.

Well, their audience, but we pretended it was ours.

Now, here's a question about U2. Bono.

Tiny.

-Where is he?

-You want to go for it?

Good God!

-I was listening earlier, and if he's six foot four, what does it make me?

-You're a freak.

But where's Bono? Don't look over my head.

Where is he?

-I'd say he's about there, yeah. Yeah, about there.

-Yesss!

-You can't see his heels either, can you?

-Nothing wrong with those!

They're good for your back.

Tom Cruise and Bono.

Tell us about the new album.

It's almost a continuation of the first album.

We didn't feel we said enough on the first album, so we came back.

-Can I ask a question?

-NO!

LAUGHTER

Yes, please, Matt.

Question from the young lad over there.

Um, Matt. Um, have you met Jedward?

LAUGHTER

Where do you think I get my hair from? They're copying me, you know.

Now, why don't we do a song? I'm gifted, musically.

I know you're big fans of Bowie. So am I.

Why don't we do something together? Are you up for it?

Ladies and gentlemen, The Script! Let's do it. Let's do it.

Right, come on, let's see everybody clapping for this one.

In time.

# I, I wish you could swim

# Like the dolphins

# Like dolphins can swim

# Though nothing,

# We can beat them

# For ever and ever

# And we can be heroes

# Just for one day

Come on, ho, ho, ho! Lift it up!

# Oh, oh, oh, yeah

# And I

# I will be king

# And you, you will be queen

# Though nothing, nothing will drive them away

# We can be heroes

# Just for one day

# Just for one day

# Oh, we could be heroes

# Just for one day, yeah

# La di dah, di dah, di dah, di dah

# La di dah, di dah dah dah

Come on!

# La di dah, di dah, di dah, di dah

# LA LA LA LA LA LA!

# Just for one day

# Just for one day

# Yeah! #

(NORTHERN ACCENT) Thanks very much. We are The Script. Thank you.

I don't know what you're looking so happy about.

-Thank you for that, Matt.

-That's all right.

TESTS MICROPHONE

LAUGHTER

We'll have more of them later,

but for now, please say a big thank you to the brilliant Script.

CHEERING

Now, it's time for a comedian who's loved by audiences wherever she goes.

Please welcome the brilliant Nina Conti!

Thank you very much!

Hello!

What a lovely crowd. I think I should introduce you to my monkey.

-Come on out, monk, we're here.

-What?

-After three. One, two, three.

Hullo. Hullo. Hey.

That was lacklustre.

No, it was fine. So do you want to get out of the bag?

-Yes. Well, there's no going back.

-No, there's no going back.

So, I wanted to start by saying that most ventriloquists...

-Are dead.

-What?!

-Or at least lonely.

-No, monkey.

Look at you standing there trying not to move your mouth.

What a loser.

Um, that's not what I was going to say.

-Most ventriloquists...

-Can't afford to feed their kids.

Monkey, shut up! Most ventriloquists...

-Die on cruise ships.

-Monkey! Am I going to get to the end of my sentence

or are you going to interrupt me?

How would you not know that, Nina?

Can you not, please?

Oh, that's nice.

-Oh, the showbiz crowd.

-Yeah.

So, monkey, what do you fancy doing tonight?

-I think I'll hypnotise you.

-No, I don't want to do that.

-Sing a song.

-No, monkey, I can't sing!

Oh, what a dead weight. I carry her, you know.

-So, um, no, not that.

-Hypnosis, then.

So what do I do?

-You should sit on the stool provided.

-This one?

-Yes.

-Do you want to sit on that?

-What is it?

-Something they cooked up for you to sit on.

It couldn't look less like a tree.

-We'll put it down a bit.

-OK. You want me to support it with my head.

LAUGHTER

-Right, how does it work?

-I'm going to count from three to one.

-Mm-hm.

-And when I get to one, you'll be asleep.

-OK.

-Why are you laughing?

-I don't know.

-At your own jokes?

I'm laughing because it's, you know...

Apologies. I don't really believe in this kind of thing.

And yet you think I'm real?

OK, I'm going to go with it. I'll go with it.

OK, three, you're suddenly feeling quite tired.

Yeah.

Two, your eyes are beginning to close.

Let them close.

One, you're now in a deep level of trance.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh!

What happened?

I couldn't talk!

What do you expect?

I don't know, I hadn't thought it through.

We're going to do it again.

How's it going to be different?

This time I want you to retain the part of your brain where I reside.

Bloody hell. OK, I'll try.

It's about the size of a tangerine.

OK, I think I can do it.

OK, three, you're suddenly feeling tired.

-Yeah.

-Two, your eyes are closing.

One, you're in a trance.

Don't lose me, don't lose me. Testing, testing.

OK, we're cooking with gas.

Now, Nina, if you can hear me, I'd like you to raise your finger.

No, not on this hand, you idiot.

On the other hand so they can all see. Can you hear me?

Yeah, that'll do.

OK, now, earlier, you said you couldn't sing.

Well, that doesn't mean I can't.

So I'm going to take this opportunity to sing an aria.

Can I have the soundtrack, music guy?

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini

This is quite ambitious.

If you don't get to sing very often, you've got to go for a classic.

# Dilegua, o notte!

# Tramontate, stelle!

# Tramontate, stelle!

Wow, that's low.

# All'alba vincero

Breathe, Nina.

# Vincero

Breathe, Nina, I'm dying here.

# Vincero! #

Thank you very much.

-Oh, God. OK.

-Thank you very much, good night.

Thank you very much.

The brilliant Nina Conti. Thank you, Nina.

-Now then, Matt.

-Yes.

We are going to hand things over now to our audience here.

It's time for their questions.

Also, the people of Twitter.

This is from tristanh23.

He says, out of your Little Britain and Come Fly With Me characters,

who is the most fun to portray?

Well, (ANDY) That one...

is fun because I get to sit down.

Marjorie Dawes is fun.

(MARJORIE DAWES) She says things I would never dare even think, let alone say.

I think you would think them.

I think they're suppressed in your mind, and they come out as Marjorie.

No, all the evil things come from Walliams, as you well know.

I can't comment on that.

In Come Fly With Me, I like to play,

(TAAJ) I get a lot of fun doing Taaj though, isn't it?

-I like doing that one, isn't it, you get me?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

In the audience, where's Katie Power? Where are you, Katie?

-There. Oh, it's Katie.

-Katie Power! It's like a cartoon character. "I wish I had Katie Power."

Matt, I spoke to her earlier. You really don't.

Katie, what is your question for Matt?

Well, I've read that Cheryl Cole is the only woman you'd consider dating.

Is that true?

Um, well, I said that she could turn me, definitely.

Um, I think... Er, Judy Finnigan.

Well, it's interesting for me,

the film I just did, I had Saffron Burrows and Juno Temple,

two of the most beautiful women I've ever seen... No disrespect, Katie Power.

..molesting me in one scene.

And the scene happened, and I looked down, and I went, "Yep, I am definitely gay."

Where's Claire Ryan? Where are you, Claire?

What's your question for Matt?

Has Derren Brown really got a head of you in his toilet?

-Yes, he has.

-Now, hang on, he didn't get ahead of you, as in get ahead of himself.

He does because when David and I went to America

to make Little Britain USA,

there was a sketch in which I played a robot and my head fell off.

So a brilliant to-scale version of my head was made,

but it felt a little bit narcissistic for me to keep it,

and Derren Brown came to my house and said,

"I'd love to have that in a jar in my house",

and so I gave it to Derren Brown.

And then I said... They obviously spent a lot of money making this head,

and Derren does amazing paintings,

so I said, "I'd love one of those paintings",

-and he went, "Certainly", and he

-sold

-me one.

-You're serious?

-Yeah.

-And you gave him the head?

-I gave him the head.

Well, I'm going to give you... Oh, no.

Congratulations. Good joke, sir. Well done.

I've got a gift for you, sir. Yes, let's put it that way.

-Have you?

-Yeah, seriously.

Wahey!

-It's my head.

-It is.

-And that's for you.

-Thank you, look at that.

Just put it there, Matt, just in case we edit it out. Thank you.

I've got a splitting headache.

Ladies and gentlemen, please show your appreciation for the fantastic Matt Lucas.

Thank you very much.

And I'd also like to say a huge thank you to Nina Conti

and now, from the album of the same name, it's The Script with Science And Faith!

CHEERING

Ho! Ho!

# Tried to break love to a science

# In an act of pure defiance

# I broke her heart

# I broke her heart

# And as I pulled apart her theories

# As I watched her growing weary

# I pulled her apart, yeah

# Having heavy conversations

# About the furthest constellations

# Of our souls, yeah

# Ooh

# And we're just trying to find some meaning

# In the things that we believe in

# But we got some ways to go

# Of all the things that she's ever said

# She goes and says something that just knocks me dead

# You won't find faith or hope down a telescope

# You won't find heart and soul in the stars

# You can break everything down to chemicals

# But you can't explain a love like ours

# Ooooh

# It's the way we feel

# Yeah, this is real

# Oooh

# It's the way we feel

# Yeah, this is real

Come on! Ho! Ho!

# I tried pushing evolution

# As the obvious conclusion

# Of the start, yeah

# But it was for my own amusement

# Saying love was an illusion

# Of a hopeless heart

# Of all of the things that she's ever said

# She goes and says something that knocks me dead

# You won't find faith or hope down a telescope

# You won't find heart and soul in the stars

# You can break everything down to chemicals

# But you can't explain a love like ours

# Oooh

# It's the way we feel, yeah, this is real

# Oooh

# It's the way we feel, yeah, this is real

# Oh, ooh-oh

Come on!

# Ooh, ooh-oh

# Oh, ooh-oh

# Oh, yeah

# Oooh #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much, guys.

Brilliant, really good. The Script!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]