Episode 2 The Rob Brydon Show


Episode 2

Chat show. Rob Brydon meets stand-up comedian, musician and actor, Bill Bailey. Plus, British R&B soul star Beverley Knight joins Rob for a special duet.


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Transcript


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Welcome to The Rob Brydon Show! Tonight, comedy from Celia Pacquola!

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Music from the brilliant Beverley Knight!

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And what do you get if you cross a rock god, a monkey and a Trekkie?

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Bill Bailey!

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Good evening and welcome to the show! Ho-ho-ho!

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Hiya! Welcome!

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Thank you! Welcome to the show!

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What an audience!

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Look at this! This is, I mean, look! Look!

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Beautiful people!

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With a few exceptions. No!

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Look, ooh, there's a smart business-looking lady, caught my eye already.

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Waistcoat. Sort of working girl - not working girl!

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What is your name, my love?

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-Joanne.

-And what do you do, Joanne?

-I'm a beauty therapist.

-Beauty therapist?

-Yes.

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-You've got a look of someone about you.

-I've been told, yes.

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-Who?

-Victoria Beckham.

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No, no, not her! No.

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-Victoria Beckham.

-Yes.

-Yes, I suppose you have a bit.

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And do you act upon this?

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-Yeah, I joined a lookalike agency.

-Have you? Wow!

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Can you go as a duo and be husband... Not really, no.

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-Can you do the voice?

-No.

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I know for a fact we have someone in the audience tonight

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who does something with their voice. I think it's Richard.

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Ooh, look at you, Richard!

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Did you lose the jacket?

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POSH VOICE: It's rather hot in here, so I've dressed down.

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Oh, I say!

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All of a sudden it's My Fair Lady!

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-What is your vocal claim to fame?

-When I was a kid,

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my voice was recorded for a kids' "Learn to read and spell" scheme.

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Really? Just for children who lived in manor houses, surely?

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-Talk us through how it worked.

-You've got a card

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with a word on it like dog or cat or grass

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and you swipe it through the machine and my 11-year-old voice would say, "Dog." "Cat." "Grass."

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-In my recollection, those machines are normally American.

-Often, yes.

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I'd like to see a Welsh one.

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-"Spell..."

-SAYS DIFFICULT WELSH WORD

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F... R...

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"Bloody wrong!"

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Now, we've got people here celebrating a wedding anniversary.

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How many years?

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-21.

-What's your name?

-Gaby.

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Gaby. 12 years married, ladies and gentlemen.

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Gaby, who's your husband? What's his name?

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-Alan.

-Hello, Alan. Well done. Gaby, I've got something for you. Come and get it.

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Whoa! Don't bum-rush the stage, love!

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That's hip hop talk, for any older viewers.

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There we are. Biscuits.

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Congratulations, yeah?

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Aren't you going to offer them round, love?

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Don't just hog the biscuits! Share them around!

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No wonder they've been married so long. They're so into each other!

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Thank you very much for coming along. A round of applause.

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Now, then, coming up,

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I will be talking to the super-talented Beverley Knight.

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But now, time to welcome my first guest.

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He's fantastic. He sells out arenas,

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he's played the Royal Albert Hall with a full orchestra and he's passed his Grade 6 clarinet!

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Please welcome Bill Bailey!

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All those things I said in the intro were musical, weren't they?

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-Yes.

-I didn't know you're as much a rock star as you are a comedian.

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-That's very kind of you to say.

-But you are.

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You've been playing massive gigs.

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It does feel like a rock gig sometimes.

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You're standing there with a foot on the monitor, in a huge arena.

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-Is that what you wanted to do first?

-It was. My first love was music.

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I always thought I'd be in a band of some kind.

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I had a very specific aim that I would be the keyboard player in Talking Heads.

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I didn't really make any effort to get in to Talking Heads at all.

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I didn't contact them in any way.

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-I just played the piano with the window open, in the West Country of England.

-Hoping.

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Hoping that Talking Heads might drive past. "What's that? That guy's great!"

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But the music thing, it was going to be... You were thinking of it as a career.

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-Did you do any musical jobs?

-I did. I got a job as crematorium organist.

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-Seriously?

-There were various organists. Some of them were so bad. Just dreadful.

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It seemed to be a bit undignified. The coffin coming in

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and this sort of, # Da-da-da-da buh-buh-buh #

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-Terrible.

-What were they playing?

-Wrong notes...

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# Da-da da-da da-da-da-da! #

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A march! SINGS THE MONTY PYTHON THEME TUNE

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And I would play the jazz.

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# Da-da-da-da-da da! #

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But just to kind of take the edge off it.

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-I've had all kinds of jobs.

-Now, then,

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I know that you're a punk at heart

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and that comes through. You had a punk band.

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-Yes.

-What were you called?

-We were a punk band called Beer Gut One Hundred.

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-A clever play on words with...

-Yes.

-..Haircut One Hundred.

-Yes.

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-Me and a bunch of guys would play punk cover versions.

-Yeah.

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For laughs.

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-Proper gigs?

-Proper gigs, yeah.

-Really? What sort of songs?

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We'd do the classic punk oeuvre.

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We'd do songs by The Stranglers and Sex Pistols and all that.

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But we'd also try and do songs that you wouldn't imagine hearing in the punk idiom.

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I've got my punk guitar here.

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I'll demonstrate. You can actually play a show tune

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in a punk style and it actually sounds great.

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There's the lyrics. Try it.

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This is from Annie!

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-You know the song?

-The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.

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So sing it in the punk idiom.

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-SWEETLY:

-# The sun'll come out tomorrow

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# Bet your bottom dollar... #

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No, no. You've got to sing it with a bit of aggression.

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-PUNK STYLE: # The sun'll come out tomorrow

-Betcha, betcha bottom dollar

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-# That tomorrow

-That's it. Pick the edges.

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-# There'll be sun

-Better! Better!

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# When I'm stuck in a day that's grey and lonely

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# I just stick out my chin and grin and say, "Oi!

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# Tomorrow, tomorrow

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# I love you, tomorrow

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# You're only a day away

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# Tomorrow

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# Tomorrow

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# I love you, tomorrow

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# You're only a da-a-a-ay

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# Aw-a-a-ay

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# Aw-a-a-a-ay! #

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-You're going on tour in the autumn.

-I am.

-Dandelion Mind.

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-Yes.

-And is this tour going to take in the heights of the Albert Hall?

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-Because you've played the Albert Hall with a full orchestra.

-That's right.

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I was trying to recreate the moment when I first went to a classical concert.

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The hairs on the back of the neck were going.

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It'd be great to get my audience, a comedy audience or younger audience to come and experience that.

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Perhaps in a way that they wouldn't expect. That was the aim of it.

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And it was great. The Albert Hall is an amazing venue.

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A fantastic place to play. They've all been there.

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-Frank Sinatra played there.

-I've played there. I hosted the insurance awards there one year!

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-Now, I would like us to attempt something musical. So would you join me?

-Yes, I would.

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Over here. We've got something very special waiting for us.

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-Um.

-Yes.

-What have we got here, Bill?

-Well,

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I'd like to present... This is the actual...

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-These are real Swiss cow bells?

-These are tuned Alpine cow bells.

-Right.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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It's like the Generation Game prizes. "Wooo!"

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"What the hell have..."

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We've got a guitarist with us, Chester. Thank you, Chester.

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Bill, I thought it would be lovely - I'm a big Elvis fan.

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I know what a muso you are.

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It would lovely to sing an Elvis song. Now, I'm not sure this is the perfect instrument to accompany it!

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I'll just embellish your vocal styles.

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# Maybe I didn't love you

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# Quite as good as I should have

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COW BELL TINKLES

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# Maybe I didn't hold you

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# Quite as often as I could have

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TINKLING

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# Little things I should have said and done

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TINKLE

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# I just never took the time

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# You were always on my mind

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# You were always on my mind

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PLAYS EXACT TUNE WITH BELLS

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# Little things I should have said and done

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-# I just never took the time

-ECHOES MELODY

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You were always on my mind

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# You were always on

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# My mind. #

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PLAYS PERFECT OUTRO TO SONG

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Thank you, Chester.

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Bill Bailey!

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Time now for some music. She's had 13 Top 40 singles,

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she's an MBE, and best of all, she's been on Loose Women six times! Please welcome Beverley Knight!

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-Beverley!

-Hey, Rob!

-How are you?

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-Good. How are you?

-Lovely. Mr Bill Bailey.

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-How are you?

-I'm very good.

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-Please have a seat.

-Thank you.

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MBE?

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-I know!

-That's quite something. Have you got an MBE, Bill?

-No, not on me.

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-When you got this honour, this decoration, was it the Queen?

-It was!

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-It's not always the Queen.

-No. No.

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-I had her, but sometimes you get stuck with Prince Charles.

-Prince Charles.

-Whoever.

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-I don't really fancy that.

-So she's a little lady.

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She's little, dead cute. She's like a little granny going to bingo.

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-She had a little...

-Well, Beverley, she's not really, is she?

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She's not like a little granny going to bingo. Maybe like a little granny,

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but I doubt she's ever gone, "House! I've got all the bloody numbers!"

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Soul is what you're known for and what you're celebrated for.

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And you've got a new album of soul covers, yeah?

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-Yes, but with a twist.

-What's the twist?

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It's British soul and only British soul.

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-Who counts as British soul? Who are the favourites?

-For me,

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people like Omar.

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-And George Michael. You might think, "Uh?"

-Really?

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-But that voice is soulful.

-Got George in there?

-That is a soulful singer.

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-So I thought I'd shine the spotlight on some British soul artists.

-Is it underrated, British soul?

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When you say soul, you think of Americans, Luther Vandross, you know.

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Of course. And that's right.

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But we were busy building a little soul empire of our own over here.

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I can't believe when you think of soul you think of Luther Vandross!

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-What do you think of him?

-You could have had Aretha Franklin, you know!

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-Yes.

-You could have had King Curtis, or...

-Hang on a second.

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-Hang on a second.

-Sorry.

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I suppose when you think of soul, you think of people like...

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I was trying desperately hard and the only one that came to mind was Luther Vandross!

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Luther Vandross!

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-I was aware...

-Soul singers like James Blunt, and you know...

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-The Krankies!

-We're moving on, we're moving on.

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-So, you're a big Prince fan?

-A big Prince fan.

-You've not just worked with him, you're quite pally?

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Sorta kinda kinda sorta!

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How did you come to work with him? You've sung with him many times.

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I was asked to open for him when he did his shows at the O2.

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I did my performance and came off the stage

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and got an applause from his band who were watching - I didn't know they were watching.

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And then somebody grabbed me by the arm, spun me round and it was him!

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-And he said, "I want you to come sing at my after show. You gotta do it."

-Wow!

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-And I was like, "OK!"

-Wow! But you grew up as a fan, so to work with him was beyond your wildest dreams.

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I cannot begin to explain.

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I'm a big fan. He's in my repertoire. See if you know this.

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# I was working part time at a five and dine

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-# My boss was... #

-Hang on, love, it's not a duet!

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Are you sure he asked you to do songs, or did you just force your way on to the stage?

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Would you like to do a number with me?

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-Go on, then.

-Would you?

-Yeah, go on!

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I'm talking specifically now, Bill, to Bev, not to you!

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-No, it's your thing, you know.

-Thank you.

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Do you know "You Got The Look"?

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-Well.

-Oh, you know it well! Sorry!

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You're starting on another paragraph. OK.

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In that case, Beverley Knight, walk this way!

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# You walked in, I woke up

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# I never seen a pretty girl look so tough

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# Baby

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# Ow! You got that look

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# Colour you peach and black

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# Colour me takin' aback

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# Crucial

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# I think I want you

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-# You've got the look

-I know!

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-# You've got the hook

-Huh!

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# Sure enough do be cooking in my book

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-# Sing it to me

-Your face is jammin'

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-What does that mean?

-# Your body is heck-a-slammin'

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# If love is good, let's get to rammin'

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# You got the look You got the look, yeah

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# You got the look... #

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HEAVY METAL JAMMING

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So sorry. I'm so sorry!

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-You had to ruin it, didn't you?

-Well, it needed something!

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Ladies and gentlemen, Beverley will be singing for us again later.

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Now it's time to welcome a comedian who's destined for great things.

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Please give a big welcome to the fantastic Celia Pacquola!

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Gosh!

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Hello!

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I would actually like to start with a safety announcement.

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Just in case any of you are going out later and having a big night.

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Just please be aware of drink spiking.

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I'd like to tell everyone because I've had my drink spiked at a club.

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It wasn't very nice. To make things worse,

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this guy was a real cheapskate and used Berocca.

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He was like, "How are you feeling?" "Better!

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"Pretty good. Cheers!"

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And then I jogged home! Idiot! Couldn't even catch me. That's what we call a rookie mistake.

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That's what that is. Good! Hello, I know we've started,

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but I'm sorry, I'm quite aware that I'm sounding quite Australian.

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Can you hear that? It's annoying! Can you hear "Hallo!"

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Can we do anything? No, we can't do anything about that.

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I'm going to live here. I've moved here. I think I'm the first Australian to do that.

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Pretty pleased, proud of myself.

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I've been here a little while, about seven months now.

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The weird thing is, I'm getting patriotic about odd things.

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-Are there any Australians in the room?

-Woo!

-So enthusiastic.

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One of the reasons I love being Australian is that when I'm feeling out of form online

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that my country is right near the top of the drop-down menu.

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I love it. What country? Australia. Bang. 0.1 second. Get on with my day.

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What's that? I'm early? Great. Yes!

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Yeah! Suck it, Yemen! Yeah!

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I have a boyfriend at the moment. Whatever. Stop bringing it up!

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I'm just a normal person.

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I'm doing a long-distance thing. It's a long-distance relationship.

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I don't mind telling you that because it sounds better than restraining order!

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No, it's consensual. Totally consensual.

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He knows all about it.

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He came to visit me recently and we wanted to do something special

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so we went to Paris.

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We didn't want to do anything touristy so we went to the Eiffel Tower.

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-Cheer if you've been to the Eiffel Tower. AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

0:19:400:19:43

It's packed, OK? It was rammed full of couples

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trying to out-in-love each other.

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Everyone wants to go to Paris and go, "Oh, remember when we went to Paris?

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"We were so in love."

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No-one goes, "Remember Paris? Where my passive aggression met your muted hostility?

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"And neither of us could admit that the entire trip

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"was just a Band-aid over the widening chasm of loathing and hatred between us?

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"Wonderful cheese." Right?

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And I noticed it cos I just went to casually hold my boyfriend's hand

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and I saw a couple see that and like standing spoon, grab each other and go, "Ooh!"

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And another couple see them. "I see your standing spoon and I raise you a dip kiss."

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It's amazing. "Oh, it's like the first day we met.

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"You're so funny. They were going to make a film of our love

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"but they couldn't because there were no sad bits."

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Amongst all these people putting on shows and ridiculous blah-de-blah,

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my boyfriend, Toby, and I got engaged.

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We didn't want to, but it was really competitive.

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Yeah. I don't think any woman in the history of the world has said, "Of course I'll marry you",

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immediately followed by "Suck it!"

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Did you see that? In your face, dip kiss!

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Winners!

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If I could have spontaneously had a baby, I would have, just...

0:21:160:21:20

Thank you very much, I'm Celia Pacquola!

0:21:210:21:23

Ladies and gentlemen, Celia Pacquola!

0:21:250:21:29

Right, Bill,

0:21:290:21:31

we have questions from the audience. We also put the word out on Twitter.

0:21:310:21:36

So we've got some Tweeted questions. Ian from Kent. Where are you, Ian?

0:21:360:21:40

-Yep!

-What?!

0:21:400:21:42

-Hello!

-What are you dressed as?

0:21:420:21:46

I'm dressed as a Klingon!

0:21:460:21:47

All right. There we are.

0:21:490:21:51

-What's your question, Ian?

-Why do you like sci-fi so much?

0:21:510:21:56

I've always liked it since I was a kid. I love the fantasy genre.

0:21:560:22:00

And when I was a kid, you were made to feel you were weird, a geek or nerdy.

0:22:000:22:07

But now it's mainstream entertainment.

0:22:070:22:10

-Star Wars and Harry Potter.

-It wasn't then, was it?

-No, it wasn't.

0:22:100:22:13

-Lord of the Rings, that was a bit esoteric.

-You loved Star Trek.

0:22:130:22:18

-Tell us about your son and what you did with Star Trek.

-Oh, you see,

0:22:180:22:23

-you've been reading the book of Wikipedia lies!

-It's not true?

0:22:230:22:27

-Well, OK...

-So it is true?

0:22:270:22:30

It is true. But...

0:22:300:22:32

My son is called Dax.

0:22:320:22:35

Dax is a name that we heard someone else had a kid called Dax and we thought, "That's a cool name."

0:22:350:22:41

But it is also the name of a symbiont, a parasitic slug,

0:22:410:22:47

in Deep Space Nine.

0:22:470:22:49

So I can convince no-one that that was not the reason why

0:22:490:22:54

I called him Dax!

0:22:540:22:56

We were having a conversation about it and he says, "Daddy, this family, we're 73% normal."

0:22:560:23:03

I go, "What do you mean by that?" And he goes, "We're a bit weird.

0:23:040:23:08

"You're the weirdest."

0:23:080:23:10

But he thought it was quite cool. He's got an idea that I go on the stage and all that.

0:23:100:23:17

He said to a friend of his in the back of the car,

0:23:170:23:20

he said, "Have you heard of Bill Bailey?"

0:23:200:23:23

And the kid's five. "I don't know."

0:23:230:23:26

And he goes, "Oh, you should check him out."

0:23:260:23:29

Sophie Kingsnorth is here. Sophie?

0:23:320:23:35

-Hiya!

-What's your question for Bill?

-You love animals. Which animal would you be and why?

0:23:350:23:40

I'd have to say baboon. You're half way there!

0:23:400:23:45

-Oh, don't look hurt.

-Sorry.

0:23:460:23:48

I suppose baboons are amazing creatures.

0:23:490:23:53

They're very intelligent. They can open car doors and start cars and even drive off.

0:23:530:23:59

And they live people's lives for them.

0:23:590:24:02

-Some of that was true, wasn't it?

-Yeah!

0:24:020:24:04

I think it would have to be something like an eagle, probably.

0:24:040:24:09

Like a sea eagle or something. Something big and impressive.

0:24:090:24:13

With a massive beak!

0:24:130:24:15

We've got time for one more question. Frances Jones, where are you?

0:24:150:24:19

There's Frances. What's your question?

0:24:190:24:21

We know you're a master of musical instruments, so we've brought one for you to play.

0:24:210:24:26

Oh, hello?

0:24:260:24:27

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-What are we going to do?

0:24:270:24:31

Oh, look at that, they're passing the French horn. That's nice.

0:24:310:24:35

-It's an old Alpine tradition.

-Do you want to grab it, Bill?

0:24:350:24:38

The passing of the horn.

0:24:380:24:40

That's probably worth a lot of money, so be careful.

0:24:400:24:43

-Wow!

-I'll grip the end.

-Look at that!

0:24:430:24:45

-OK. Do you want to sit down?

-No, I'll have to stand, I think.

-OK.

0:24:450:24:50

Hang on. Whoa! It reminds me of a bong I had once!

0:24:500:24:53

Here we go!

0:24:570:24:59

PLAYS DEEP RESONANT NOTES

0:24:590:25:02

APPLAUSE

0:25:060:25:08

-Can I have a go?

-Yeah!

0:25:120:25:13

Swap over.

0:25:130:25:15

This could be an Olympic sport!

0:25:170:25:19

-Do I have to connect with the...

-Yeah.

0:25:190:25:22

NON-PRODUCTIVE BLOWS

0:25:220:25:25

RESONANT NOTE

0:25:250:25:27

APPLAUSE

0:25:270:25:29

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Bill Bailey!

0:25:310:25:35

I'd also like to thank Celia Pacquola

0:25:420:25:44

and now singing a song from her new album Soul UK, Beverley Knight and Cuddly Toy!

0:25:440:25:49

# Well, I know you heard so many people say

0:26:050:26:08

# I got a different boy in every town

0:26:080:26:12

# But there must be somebody telling lies

0:26:120:26:16

# Spreading rumours, rumours all around

0:26:160:26:19

# Oh, there's a cuddly toy

0:26:190:26:22

# That's my only joy

0:26:220:26:23

# Waiting for me

0:26:230:26:25

# When I get home, yeah,

0:26:250:26:27

# And what I need is a boy like you

0:26:270:26:31

# To call, call my very own

0:26:310:26:34

-# So you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

0:26:340:26:38

-# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

0:26:380:26:42

-# Oh, you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

0:26:420:26:45

# Oh, give me some love, yes

0:26:450:26:48

# Well I don't pour out my heart like this to everyone

0:26:490:26:53

# And anyone that I meet

0:26:530:26:57

# And I know it ain't the wine

0:26:570:26:59

# Cos I feel just fine

0:26:590:27:01

# Can't you see, baby, I'm still on my feet?

0:27:010:27:04

# Oh, a cuddly toy, that's my only joy

0:27:040:27:08

# Waiting for me

0:27:080:27:09

# When I get home, yes

0:27:090:27:12

# And what I need

0:27:120:27:14

# Is a boy like you

0:27:140:27:15

# To call, call my very own

0:27:150:27:19

-# So you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

0:27:190:27:23

-# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

0:27:230:27:26

-# Just feel for me

-Feel for me baby

0:27:260:27:30

# Oh, give me some love, yeah

0:27:300:27:33

# Wa-ay-ay-ay-ay yeah

0:27:330:27:35

# Feel

0:27:490:27:51

# Feel for me, baby

0:27:510:27:53

# Come on, like I know you can

0:27:530:27:57

# Feel for me

0:27:570:27:59

# Feel for me, baby

0:27:590:28:01

# Come on, I know you understand

0:28:010:28:04

# Well, a cuddly toy is my only joy

0:28:040:28:07

# Waiting for me when I get home now

0:28:070:28:11

# And what I need is a boy like you

0:28:110:28:15

# To call, call my very own

0:28:150:28:18

-# So you gotta feel

-Feel for me, baby

0:28:180:28:22

-# Oh, feel it, baby

-Feel for me, baby

0:28:220:28:26

-# Yeah, you gotta feel it now

-Feel for me, baby

0:28:260:28:29

# Oh, gimme some love

0:28:290:28:33

-# Yeah, feel for me

-Feel for me, baby

0:28:330:28:37

# Oh, baby, baby

0:28:370:28:39

# Feel for me, baby

0:28:390:28:41

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me

0:28:410:28:43

# Feel for me, baby

0:28:430:28:45

# Oh, gimme some love, yeah

0:28:450:28:47

# Yeah. #

0:28:470:28:49

-That was brilliant!

-Thank you!

0:29:000:29:03

How about that? Beverley Knight!

0:29:040:29:06

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:080:29:11

Chat show. Rob Brydon meets stand-up comedian, musician and actor, Bill Bailey. British R&B soul star Beverley Knight also joins Rob for a special duet close to both of their hearts, and up-and-coming Australian comedian Celia Pacquola provides some cheeky stand-up.


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