Episode 2 The Rob Brydon Show

Welcome to The Rob Brydon Show! Tonight, comedy from Celia Pacquola!

Music from the brilliant Beverley Knight!

And what do you get if you cross a rock god, a monkey and a Trekkie?

Bill Bailey!

Good evening and welcome to the show! Ho-ho-ho!

Hiya! Welcome!

Thank you! Welcome to the show!

What an audience!

Look at this! This is, I mean, look! Look!

Beautiful people!

With a few exceptions. No!

Look, ooh, there's a smart business-looking lady, caught my eye already.

Waistcoat. Sort of working girl - not working girl!

What is your name, my love?

-Joanne.

-And what do you do, Joanne?

-I'm a beauty therapist.

-Beauty therapist?

-Yes.

-You've got a look of someone about you.

-I've been told, yes.

-Who?

-Victoria Beckham.

No, no, not her! No.

-Victoria Beckham.

-Yes.

-Yes, I suppose you have a bit.

And do you act upon this?

-Yeah, I joined a lookalike agency.

-Have you? Wow!

Can you go as a duo and be husband... Not really, no.

-Can you do the voice?

-No.

I know for a fact we have someone in the audience tonight

who does something with their voice. I think it's Richard.

Ooh, look at you, Richard!

Did you lose the jacket?

POSH VOICE: It's rather hot in here, so I've dressed down.

Oh, I say!

All of a sudden it's My Fair Lady!

-What is your vocal claim to fame?

-When I was a kid,

my voice was recorded for a kids' "Learn to read and spell" scheme.

Really? Just for children who lived in manor houses, surely?

-Talk us through how it worked.

-You've got a card

with a word on it like dog or cat or grass

and you swipe it through the machine and my 11-year-old voice would say, "Dog." "Cat." "Grass."

-In my recollection, those machines are normally American.

-Often, yes.

I'd like to see a Welsh one.

-"Spell..."

-SAYS DIFFICULT WELSH WORD

F... R...

"Bloody wrong!"

Now, we've got people here celebrating a wedding anniversary.

How many years?

-21.

-What's your name?

-Gaby.

Gaby. 12 years married, ladies and gentlemen.

Gaby, who's your husband? What's his name?

-Alan.

-Hello, Alan. Well done. Gaby, I've got something for you. Come and get it.

Whoa! Don't bum-rush the stage, love!

That's hip hop talk, for any older viewers.

There we are. Biscuits.

Congratulations, yeah?

Aren't you going to offer them round, love?

Don't just hog the biscuits! Share them around!

No wonder they've been married so long. They're so into each other!

Thank you very much for coming along. A round of applause.

Now, then, coming up,

I will be talking to the super-talented Beverley Knight.

But now, time to welcome my first guest.

He's fantastic. He sells out arenas,

he's played the Royal Albert Hall with a full orchestra and he's passed his Grade 6 clarinet!

Please welcome Bill Bailey!

All those things I said in the intro were musical, weren't they?

-Yes.

-I didn't know you're as much a rock star as you are a comedian.

-That's very kind of you to say.

-But you are.

You've been playing massive gigs.

It does feel like a rock gig sometimes.

You're standing there with a foot on the monitor, in a huge arena.

-Is that what you wanted to do first?

-It was. My first love was music.

I always thought I'd be in a band of some kind.

I had a very specific aim that I would be the keyboard player in Talking Heads.

I didn't really make any effort to get in to Talking Heads at all.

I didn't contact them in any way.

-I just played the piano with the window open, in the West Country of England.

-Hoping.

Hoping that Talking Heads might drive past. "What's that? That guy's great!"

But the music thing, it was going to be... You were thinking of it as a career.

-Did you do any musical jobs?

-I did. I got a job as crematorium organist.

-Seriously?

-There were various organists. Some of them were so bad. Just dreadful.

It seemed to be a bit undignified. The coffin coming in

and this sort of, # Da-da-da-da buh-buh-buh #

-Terrible.

-What were they playing?

-Wrong notes...

# Da-da da-da da-da-da-da! #

A march! SINGS THE MONTY PYTHON THEME TUNE

And I would play the jazz.

# Da-da-da-da-da da! #

But just to kind of take the edge off it.

-I've had all kinds of jobs.

-Now, then,

I know that you're a punk at heart

and that comes through. You had a punk band.

-Yes.

-What were you called?

-We were a punk band called Beer Gut One Hundred.

-A clever play on words with...

-Yes.

-..Haircut One Hundred.

-Yes.

-Me and a bunch of guys would play punk cover versions.

-Yeah.

For laughs.

-Proper gigs?

-Proper gigs, yeah.

-Really? What sort of songs?

We'd do the classic punk oeuvre.

We'd do songs by The Stranglers and Sex Pistols and all that.

But we'd also try and do songs that you wouldn't imagine hearing in the punk idiom.

I've got my punk guitar here.

I'll demonstrate. You can actually play a show tune

in a punk style and it actually sounds great.

There's the lyrics. Try it.

This is from Annie!

-You know the song?

-The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.

So sing it in the punk idiom.

-SWEETLY:

-# The sun'll come out tomorrow

# Bet your bottom dollar... #

No, no. You've got to sing it with a bit of aggression.

-PUNK STYLE: # The sun'll come out tomorrow

-Betcha, betcha bottom dollar

-# That tomorrow

-That's it. Pick the edges.

-# There'll be sun

-Better! Better!

# When I'm stuck in a day that's grey and lonely

# I just stick out my chin and grin and say, "Oi!

# Tomorrow, tomorrow

# I love you, tomorrow

# You're only a day away

# Tomorrow

# Tomorrow

# I love you, tomorrow

# You're only a da-a-a-ay

# Aw-a-a-ay

# Aw-a-a-a-ay! #

-You're going on tour in the autumn.

-I am.

-Dandelion Mind.

-Yes.

-And is this tour going to take in the heights of the Albert Hall?

-Because you've played the Albert Hall with a full orchestra.

-That's right.

I was trying to recreate the moment when I first went to a classical concert.

The hairs on the back of the neck were going.

It'd be great to get my audience, a comedy audience or younger audience to come and experience that.

Perhaps in a way that they wouldn't expect. That was the aim of it.

And it was great. The Albert Hall is an amazing venue.

A fantastic place to play. They've all been there.

-Frank Sinatra played there.

-I've played there. I hosted the insurance awards there one year!

-Now, I would like us to attempt something musical. So would you join me?

-Yes, I would.

Over here. We've got something very special waiting for us.

-Um.

-Yes.

-What have we got here, Bill?

-Well,

I'd like to present... This is the actual...

-These are real Swiss cow bells?

-These are tuned Alpine cow bells.

-Right.

AUDIENCE GASPS

It's like the Generation Game prizes. "Wooo!"

"What the hell have..."

We've got a guitarist with us, Chester. Thank you, Chester.

Bill, I thought it would be lovely - I'm a big Elvis fan.

I know what a muso you are.

It would lovely to sing an Elvis song. Now, I'm not sure this is the perfect instrument to accompany it!

I'll just embellish your vocal styles.

# Maybe I didn't love you

# Quite as good as I should have

COW BELL TINKLES

# Maybe I didn't hold you

# Quite as often as I could have

TINKLING

# Little things I should have said and done

TINKLE

# I just never took the time

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

PLAYS EXACT TUNE WITH BELLS

# Little things I should have said and done

-# I just never took the time

-ECHOES MELODY

You were always on my mind

# You were always on

# My mind. #

PLAYS PERFECT OUTRO TO SONG

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, Chester.

Bill Bailey!

Time now for some music. She's had 13 Top 40 singles,

she's an MBE, and best of all, she's been on Loose Women six times! Please welcome Beverley Knight!

-Beverley!

-Hey, Rob!

-How are you?

-Good. How are you?

-Lovely. Mr Bill Bailey.

-How are you?

-I'm very good.

-Please have a seat.

-Thank you.

MBE?

-I know!

-That's quite something. Have you got an MBE, Bill?

-No, not on me.

-When you got this honour, this decoration, was it the Queen?

-It was!

-It's not always the Queen.

-No. No.

-I had her, but sometimes you get stuck with Prince Charles.

-Prince Charles.

-Whoever.

-I don't really fancy that.

-So she's a little lady.

She's little, dead cute. She's like a little granny going to bingo.

-She had a little...

-Well, Beverley, she's not really, is she?

She's not like a little granny going to bingo. Maybe like a little granny,

but I doubt she's ever gone, "House! I've got all the bloody numbers!"

Soul is what you're known for and what you're celebrated for.

And you've got a new album of soul covers, yeah?

-Yes, but with a twist.

-What's the twist?

It's British soul and only British soul.

-Who counts as British soul? Who are the favourites?

-For me,

people like Omar.

-And George Michael. You might think, "Uh?"

-Really?

-But that voice is soulful.

-Got George in there?

-That is a soulful singer.

-So I thought I'd shine the spotlight on some British soul artists.

-Is it underrated, British soul?

When you say soul, you think of Americans, Luther Vandross, you know.

Of course. And that's right.

But we were busy building a little soul empire of our own over here.

I can't believe when you think of soul you think of Luther Vandross!

-What do you think of him?

-You could have had Aretha Franklin, you know!

-Yes.

-You could have had King Curtis, or...

-Hang on a second.

-Hang on a second.

-Sorry.

I suppose when you think of soul, you think of people like...

I was trying desperately hard and the only one that came to mind was Luther Vandross!

Luther Vandross!

-I was aware...

-Soul singers like James Blunt, and you know...

-The Krankies!

-We're moving on, we're moving on.

-So, you're a big Prince fan?

-A big Prince fan.

-You've not just worked with him, you're quite pally?

Sorta kinda kinda sorta!

How did you come to work with him? You've sung with him many times.

I was asked to open for him when he did his shows at the O2.

I did my performance and came off the stage

and got an applause from his band who were watching - I didn't know they were watching.

And then somebody grabbed me by the arm, spun me round and it was him!

-And he said, "I want you to come sing at my after show. You gotta do it."

-Wow!

-And I was like, "OK!"

-Wow! But you grew up as a fan, so to work with him was beyond your wildest dreams.

I cannot begin to explain.

I'm a big fan. He's in my repertoire. See if you know this.

# I was working part time at a five and dine

-# My boss was... #

-Hang on, love, it's not a duet!

Are you sure he asked you to do songs, or did you just force your way on to the stage?

Would you like to do a number with me?

-Go on, then.

-Would you?

-Yeah, go on!

I'm talking specifically now, Bill, to Bev, not to you!

-No, it's your thing, you know.

-Thank you.

Do you know "You Got The Look"?

-Well.

-Oh, you know it well! Sorry!

You're starting on another paragraph. OK.

In that case, Beverley Knight, walk this way!

# You walked in, I woke up

# I never seen a pretty girl look so tough

# Baby

# Ow! You got that look

# Colour you peach and black

# Colour me takin' aback

# Crucial

# I think I want you

-# You've got the look

-I know!

-# You've got the hook

-Huh!

# Sure enough do be cooking in my book

-# Sing it to me

-Your face is jammin'

-What does that mean?

-# Your body is heck-a-slammin'

# If love is good, let's get to rammin'

# You got the look You got the look, yeah

# You got the look... #

HEAVY METAL JAMMING

So sorry. I'm so sorry!

-You had to ruin it, didn't you?

-Well, it needed something!

Ladies and gentlemen, Beverley will be singing for us again later.

Now it's time to welcome a comedian who's destined for great things.

Please give a big welcome to the fantastic Celia Pacquola!

Gosh!

Hello!

I would actually like to start with a safety announcement.

Just in case any of you are going out later and having a big night.

Just please be aware of drink spiking.

I'd like to tell everyone because I've had my drink spiked at a club.

It wasn't very nice. To make things worse,

this guy was a real cheapskate and used Berocca.

He was like, "How are you feeling?" "Better!

"Pretty good. Cheers!"

And then I jogged home! Idiot! Couldn't even catch me. That's what we call a rookie mistake.

That's what that is. Good! Hello, I know we've started,

but I'm sorry, I'm quite aware that I'm sounding quite Australian.

Can you hear that? It's annoying! Can you hear "Hallo!"

Can we do anything? No, we can't do anything about that.

I'm going to live here. I've moved here. I think I'm the first Australian to do that.

Pretty pleased, proud of myself.

I've been here a little while, about seven months now.

The weird thing is, I'm getting patriotic about odd things.

-Are there any Australians in the room?

-Woo!

-So enthusiastic.

One of the reasons I love being Australian is that when I'm feeling out of form online

that my country is right near the top of the drop-down menu.

I love it. What country? Australia. Bang. 0.1 second. Get on with my day.

What's that? I'm early? Great. Yes!

Yeah! Suck it, Yemen! Yeah!

I have a boyfriend at the moment. Whatever. Stop bringing it up!

I'm just a normal person.

I'm doing a long-distance thing. It's a long-distance relationship.

I don't mind telling you that because it sounds better than restraining order!

No, it's consensual. Totally consensual.

He knows all about it.

He came to visit me recently and we wanted to do something special

so we went to Paris.

We didn't want to do anything touristy so we went to the Eiffel Tower.

-Cheer if you've been to the Eiffel Tower. AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

It's packed, OK? It was rammed full of couples

trying to out-in-love each other.

Everyone wants to go to Paris and go, "Oh, remember when we went to Paris?

"We were so in love."

No-one goes, "Remember Paris? Where my passive aggression met your muted hostility?

"And neither of us could admit that the entire trip

"was just a Band-aid over the widening chasm of loathing and hatred between us?

"Wonderful cheese." Right?

And I noticed it cos I just went to casually hold my boyfriend's hand

and I saw a couple see that and like standing spoon, grab each other and go, "Ooh!"

And another couple see them. "I see your standing spoon and I raise you a dip kiss."

It's amazing. "Oh, it's like the first day we met.

"You're so funny. They were going to make a film of our love

"but they couldn't because there were no sad bits."

Amongst all these people putting on shows and ridiculous blah-de-blah,

my boyfriend, Toby, and I got engaged.

We didn't want to, but it was really competitive.

Yeah. I don't think any woman in the history of the world has said, "Of course I'll marry you",

immediately followed by "Suck it!"

Did you see that? In your face, dip kiss!

Winners!

If I could have spontaneously had a baby, I would have, just...

Thank you very much, I'm Celia Pacquola!

Ladies and gentlemen, Celia Pacquola!

Right, Bill,

we have questions from the audience. We also put the word out on Twitter.

So we've got some Tweeted questions. Ian from Kent. Where are you, Ian?

-Yep!

-What?!

-Hello!

-What are you dressed as?

I'm dressed as a Klingon!

All right. There we are.

-What's your question, Ian?

-Why do you like sci-fi so much?

I've always liked it since I was a kid. I love the fantasy genre.

And when I was a kid, you were made to feel you were weird, a geek or nerdy.

But now it's mainstream entertainment.

-Star Wars and Harry Potter.

-It wasn't then, was it?

-No, it wasn't.

-Lord of the Rings, that was a bit esoteric.

-You loved Star Trek.

-Tell us about your son and what you did with Star Trek.

-Oh, you see,

-you've been reading the book of Wikipedia lies!

-It's not true?

-Well, OK...

-So it is true?

It is true. But...

My son is called Dax.

Dax is a name that we heard someone else had a kid called Dax and we thought, "That's a cool name."

But it is also the name of a symbiont, a parasitic slug,

in Deep Space Nine.

So I can convince no-one that that was not the reason why

I called him Dax!

We were having a conversation about it and he says, "Daddy, this family, we're 73% normal."

I go, "What do you mean by that?" And he goes, "We're a bit weird.

"You're the weirdest."

But he thought it was quite cool. He's got an idea that I go on the stage and all that.

He said to a friend of his in the back of the car,

he said, "Have you heard of Bill Bailey?"

And the kid's five. "I don't know."

And he goes, "Oh, you should check him out."

Sophie Kingsnorth is here. Sophie?

-Hiya!

-What's your question for Bill?

-You love animals. Which animal would you be and why?

I'd have to say baboon. You're half way there!

-Oh, don't look hurt.

-Sorry.

I suppose baboons are amazing creatures.

They're very intelligent. They can open car doors and start cars and even drive off.

And they live people's lives for them.

-Some of that was true, wasn't it?

-Yeah!

I think it would have to be something like an eagle, probably.

Like a sea eagle or something. Something big and impressive.

With a massive beak!

We've got time for one more question. Frances Jones, where are you?

There's Frances. What's your question?

We know you're a master of musical instruments, so we've brought one for you to play.

Oh, hello?

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-What are we going to do?

Oh, look at that, they're passing the French horn. That's nice.

-It's an old Alpine tradition.

-Do you want to grab it, Bill?

The passing of the horn.

That's probably worth a lot of money, so be careful.

-Wow!

-I'll grip the end.

-Look at that!

-OK. Do you want to sit down?

-No, I'll have to stand, I think.

-OK.

Hang on. Whoa! It reminds me of a bong I had once!

Here we go!

PLAYS DEEP RESONANT NOTES

APPLAUSE

-Can I have a go?

-Yeah!

Swap over.

This could be an Olympic sport!

-Do I have to connect with the...

-Yeah.

NON-PRODUCTIVE BLOWS

RESONANT NOTE

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Bill Bailey!

I'd also like to thank Celia Pacquola

and now singing a song from her new album Soul UK, Beverley Knight and Cuddly Toy!

# Well, I know you heard so many people say

# I got a different boy in every town

# But there must be somebody telling lies

# Spreading rumours, rumours all around

# Oh, there's a cuddly toy

# That's my only joy

# Waiting for me

# When I get home, yeah,

# And what I need is a boy like you

# To call, call my very own

-# So you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

-# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

-# Oh, you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

# Oh, give me some love, yes

# Well I don't pour out my heart like this to everyone

# And anyone that I meet

# And I know it ain't the wine

# Cos I feel just fine

# Can't you see, baby, I'm still on my feet?

# Oh, a cuddly toy, that's my only joy

# Waiting for me

# When I get home, yes

# And what I need

# Is a boy like you

# To call, call my very own

-# So you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

-# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby

-Feel for me, baby

-# Just feel for me

-Feel for me baby

# Oh, give me some love, yeah

# Wa-ay-ay-ay-ay yeah

# Feel

# Feel for me, baby

# Come on, like I know you can

# Feel for me

# Feel for me, baby

# Come on, I know you understand

# Well, a cuddly toy is my only joy

# Waiting for me when I get home now

# And what I need is a boy like you

# To call, call my very own

-# So you gotta feel

-Feel for me, baby

-# Oh, feel it, baby

-Feel for me, baby

-# Yeah, you gotta feel it now

-Feel for me, baby

# Oh, gimme some love

-# Yeah, feel for me

-Feel for me, baby

# Oh, baby, baby

# Feel for me, baby

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me

# Feel for me, baby

# Oh, gimme some love, yeah

# Yeah. #

-That was brilliant!

-Thank you!

How about that? Beverley Knight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd