Episode 3 The Rob Brydon Show

Is tonight's comedian higher or lower than me?

EVERYONE: Higher!

You say higher. Let's take a look.

Is our next guest higher or lower than me?

-EVERYONE: Higher!

-You say higher.

Is our final guest higher or lower than me?

EVERYONE: Higher!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

-CHEERS AND WHISTLES

-Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed. What a fantastic welcome.

And what a night tonight!

We have royalty in the audience.

Yes, we do. Not really.

No, no. We have near to royalty.

Well, I say "near to royalty".

We have someone who stood near to royalty.

-LAUGHTER

-Where is Paul? There he is.

-Hello, Paul.

-Hello, there.

-MAN IN THE BOX:

-Hello.

-LAUGHTER

I thought I do man in the box.

I don't know how many of you remember,

we had a royal wedding this year, and Paul was there.

-Paul, tell us what you are.

-I'm a musician in the Irish Guards band.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Take us to that moment. Where were you?

-At the top of the Mall.

-How close did you get to William and Kate?

-About ten feet from the carriage.

-No?! Really?

-Did you give them a special "Prrp"?

-Something like that. Yeah.

That's fantastic. Isn't that wonderful?

Now, then. If you were in Northleach near Cheltenham,

and you wanted to tell the town some news, who would you turn to?

You'd turn to Chloe. She's here. Where are you Chloe?

-I'm here, Rob.

-From Northleach?

-Yes.

-What do you do in Northleach?

LOUD AND CLEAR: I am the town crier for Northleach.

I have a naturally loud and resonant voice and I'm putting it to good use!

Am I the only man to be a little turned on?

A town crier in Northleach! That's their version of the internet.

I am the spoken word version of the town website, yes.

-LOUD AND CLEAR:

-I want to talk to you in the same way that you're talking to me.

You're very good. Have YOU been injured at WORK?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You could do that.

Everybody here tonight is lucky cos they're going to see Bruce Forsyth.

We've got someone here who's extra lucky.

Patricia, where are you? You must be one of the luckiest people ever.

-Tell us why.

-When I was five, I was shot in the head by...

Yes. Shot in the head at five!

One of the luckiest people I've ever met(!)

-Sorry, I cut you off there.

-I was only shot by the minister.

The minister? I didn't know that. A man of the cloth!

He was target shooting, using our house as a target. Didn't realise we'd moved in the day before.

-LAUGHTER

-Whether you'd moved in or not.

-Shooting at a house!

-LAUGHTER

-You've got a twang to the accent. Where was this?

-The Catskill Mountains in New York.

-Right, OK.

So, your local minister, the one man you should be able to feel safe around.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

-"You'd better start runnin'!"

-LAUGHTER

-Is that really what happened?

-Yes.

-Wow!

-I was a quarter of an inch from being killed.

An eighth of an inch from being paralysed.

-Bring the mood down, why don't you?

-I survived!

-You're fine!

But you consider the whole family to have this kind of luck?

They have a saying, "Cats have nine lives. Ableys..." my maiden name "..have more."

My grandfather went over a cliff in a car.

-No?

-He got up and walked away without an injury.

My father was in construction, building roads,

the cave fell in, it crushed his arm and they had to put plastic veins in his arm.

-Um...

-Anybody else? That's it?

-My nephew...

LAUGHTER

If you've been affected by any of these stories

-in tonight's show...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks so much for coming. It's time now for my first guest.

The Emperor of Entertainment, the King of Comedy, the Lord of the Dance!

Sir Bruce Forsyth!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

What a welcome!

Oh, you are lucky to have an audience right there.

I talk to a dance floor! LAUGHTER

-It's VERY difficult.

-Bruce, you look fantastic.

-Ah.

-Doesn't he look brilliant?

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I think of you as someone who hit it big at a very young age.

-But your television break, you were 30, weren't you?

-I had 16 years' experience before I got the break.

Touring round all the dreadful theatres.

Doing the warm-up for the other acts.

So it was hard.

One time, I thought, "If I'm not going to make it in five years,

-"I'm turning it in."

-Really?

-Yeah.

What's your view of show business today, with the instant fame of the X Factor, Britain's Got Talent?

Well, I think it's incredible.

What you're talking about is Sue Boyle.

It was amazing, that was, it just goes to show

that you can be a star overnight,

not in just your own little country, but the world.

I mean, that is amazing.

When I started, there were two channels on television.

You could be on for a couple of weeks and you were the biggest name in the country.

My take is that you're a song and dance man, is that fair to say?

-Essentially, you're an all-rounder.

-That's what I started as.

I was nine years old, ten years old, when I started tap dancing.

When you were doing the dancing as a kid,

most lads would look on somebody dancing at being a bit effete.

Well, yes, a kid did have a go at me and say,

"You're going to your dancing? Don't be late!"

So I pulled him off his bike and gave him a right handful.

That's the other side of me which nobody knows anything about!

-Bruce the Enforcer!

-Yes.

-So, you were a hoofer.

-Hoofer. Yes.

-A hoofer.

Some people thought you were a hoofer.

If you don't mind me saying, Bruce, you err towards a mince.

LAUGHTER

-Actually, when I first started at the Palladium...

-Yes.

Because of my walk... And I have got a bit of a funny one. I know that.

For the first couple of years, people did think I was a homosexual.

Honestly, they did, but when my reputation caught up with me, they found out that wasn't true.

-You loved life, didn't you?

-I loved life and ladies.

-Especially ladies.

-Was it a free-for-all?

You were on the variety circuit, travelling all over the place.

Was it just, "There it is. I'll have some of that"?

LAUGHTER

How long is it since you've had some of that?

Suddenly, we're going into your autobiography.

Let's talk about your catchphrases. You've got so many of them.

Do you ever get tired of hearing them?

It's a good question, actually. You can get a bit fed up with it.

Especially when you're passing a building site. "Good game! Good game!"

I went to the cup final and if I heard "good game" once,

I heard it a thousand times. "Good game! Good game!"

They're marvellous, actually.

They're things that have happened throughout the years. I don't know what I'd have done without them.

Do you have a favourite? There's "Nice to see you, to see you, nice."

-"Didn't he or she do well?"

-"All right, my love?"

"Here, kitty, kitty." "What do points make?"

-AUDIENCE:

-Prizes!

-Oh, you are sharp!

I couldn't do that with many audiences.

I'm imagining you before you go out to work.

"Nice to see you, to see you nice." "Hello, kitty, kitty."

I've got it all written down in case I forget it!

If you only had one, which would it be?

I think "Nice to see you" because you can use that anywhere.

-You can say it to people...

-Not if you're holding up a sub post office.

Now, then, when you came on, on our revolve, you were doing the pose.

-Yes.

-The thinker. Will you teach me how to do the pose?

-No.

-Please.

So, what you do...

Get behind me here.

First of all, you're on the toe there with your knee bent.

LAUGHTER

-Have you no control?

-No.

Can you move?

-AS RONNIE CORBETT:

-Hello, Bruce.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wonderful to see you here.

So, left knee is fairly straight. Bend an ankle.

Right arm is up like this and the left hand is there.

What you do is a little kick...

And then you go...

OK, but count me in.

I will count you in.

I'll be counting you OUT in a minute.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here we go. Are you ready? One, two, three.

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

-What about that?

-Yes!

Kick, one, two, three...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce will be back later to answer your questions.

For now, please give a big thanks to Bruce Forsyth.

It's time for our next guest.

She's been nominated for a Brit three times,

had double platinum albums and is back with a brilliant new record.

Please welcome Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Sophie, welcome.

-Thank you for having me.

-You're very welcome.

Look at you! I feel less healthy sitting next to you. You're glowing.

You look so fantastic. Tell us about the new album, Make A Scene.

It's the fourth record and it's the danciest one yet, really.

I worked with people like Calvin Harris, Metronomy and Freemasons, so they set the tone

for this very upbeat electro synthy dance thing I've made.

The whole family is musical, isn't it?

-You're married to the chap from The Feeling, as I call him.

-The bassist, Richard.

To me, he's the chap from The Feeling.

-So is it a musical house? Are there instruments lying around?

-Yeah.

Very much so. Things strewn everywhere.

Even the kids' play room turns into a club. We've got a big disco light, smoke machine and turntables.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

-Oh.

-LAUGHTER

-I don't whether that's good or bad. Do you sing to your little ones?

-All the time.

-Do you do Wheels On The Bus?

-Of course. That's a classic. You can make stuff up in that.

# Wheels on the bus go round and round

-BOTH:

-# Round and round Round and round

# The wheels on the bus go round and round all day long #

Join in.

No. I'd rather they didn't. They'd ruin it.

# The conductor on the bus

-# Says, "Tickets, please..." #

-I like it when you do that.

It's the shock. You were thinking you were going to travel for free!

You've got an Oyster card!

Now, you've done disco-y soul stuff, but country - I love country.

I'm a little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll.

Let's do something country together. This is a lovely song, Sophie.

It almost sums up my attitude to life.

-Join in when the mood takes you.

-I will.

# Sometimes it's hard to be a woman

# Giving all your love to just one man

# He'll have good times... #

Sounds good.

# And you'll have bad times... #

# Doing things that you don't understand... #

You just don't understand, love.

# But if you love him you'll forgive him... #

-Didn't know I could be this macho.

-LAUGHTER

# Even though he's hard to understand

# Uh-huh-huh

# And if you love him

# Ah ah ah

# Oh, be proud of him

# So proud

# Cos after all, he's just a man... #

Shabba

-ALL:

-# Stand by your man... #

Oh!

# Give him two arms to cling to

# And something warm to come to

# When nights are cold and lonely

# Stand by your man

# And show the world you love him

# Keep giving all the love you can

# Oh oh oh

# Stand by your man. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Sophie Ellis-Bextor!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Now it's time for a young comedian who makes me proud to be Welsh.

Please give a big cheer for the fantastic Elis James!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello. My name's Elis. Very pleased to be here.

I'm from Wales.

You're clearly a lot less impressed than Rob was with that.

I live in London. I never thought I'd move because Welsh is my first language.

Very cool language. For instance, the Welsh word for "vegetarian" is "cig gwrthodwr".

Literal translation, "meat refuser".

LAUGHTER

I love the fact that it doesn't focus on the positive.

It's not "cheese preferer" or "vegetable embracer".

It's "meat refuser".

"Would you like some beef lasagna?"

"Didn't you get my e-mail? I'm a meat refuser!"

"Would you like some red wine?" "No. I'm a fun denier."

I live in London with my girlfriend, but I don't think I'm ready for parenthood

because you're asked very difficult questions.

The first time I went swimming, I was with my dad, two years of age.

I'm in the pool, splashing around.

After a couple of minutes, I said, "Dad, I need to do a wee."

My dad went, "What? It's your mother who deals with that side of things."

To which I replied, "Ordinarily, yes."

I had an incredible vocabulary for a two-year-old.

I said, "What are we going to do?" Now, let's play a guessing game.

We're in the pool. I'm two years of age. I need to do a wee.

My dad is notorious in our family for being a little bit lazy.

Any of you people guess what my dad might have suggested?

Wee in the pool! Dad said, "Just wee in the pool."

Then he forgot that toddlers tend to take what parents say at face value.

OK?

So he turned round and, to his horror, dad realised

that I had climbed out of the pool.

I was stood on the side, trunks round my ankles,

just weeing into the shallow end.

"Screw you, world!"

"I am an ASBO waiting to happen!"

My dad's like, "Oh, my God! He's gonna get put into care.

"His mother's gonna kill me." People were freaking out.

There was a woman doing lengths, coming up for air.

I was splashing. She was, "Someone's put chlorine in the pool!"

People from the viewing gallery offering advice.

Why are there viewing galleries in ANY swimming pool? Who goes to watch strangers swim?

I'm still weeing away. My dad had to think on his feet.

He didn't do what he was initially going to - put his thumb on the end of my penis,

to try and sort of cork me.

He realised that an adult thumb on the end of a child's private parts,

I'd be able to spray 20 to 25 feet.

I'd be weeing on people in the deep end.

"Oh, I didn't know there was a wave machine and a rain machine as well!

"Very tropical!"

It must have appeared that I had a vendetta against the swimming pool.

My dad got out of the pool and marched me off to the changing room,

forgetting that once you've started, you can't stop, so I was weeing on me, weeing on him.

It must have looked like Dad was using me as a human muck spreader!

"Right! Let's go do the vending machine, boy! Hop to it!"

Dad was yanking me past the mini pool you've got to stand in before you get in the main one.

There was a woman in there going, "For God's sake! First a verruca, now this!"

And that is why I don't want children.

-Thank you very much.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Elis James!

Yes.

Now, then, time to hand you over, Bruce, to the audience.

Our first question is from David Donaldson. Where are you, David? There you are. Down the front.

Your wife is more famous than you in Puerto Rico. Do you mind being in her shadow?

-No...

-In Puerto Rico...

I can hear! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What was that, love?

What did you say, Rob?

I thought you hadn't heard. I was being nice.

-He said about Puerto Rico and do I...?

-I heard him!

-I was telling you what he said!

-LAUGHTER

No, I love it, because I can then be sort of in the background.

Although I am more well known now.

They see pictures of me in the paper and that kind of thing.

And then a waiter at the golf club when I first went there,

he found out that I was Winnie's - as I call her - Winnie's husband.

From then, he called me Senor Mundo! Mr World! He did!

"Ah! Senor Mundo!"

I said, "Shut up! Shut up!"

Let's go into the audience again. Jaynie Gould, where are you, Jaynie?

-What's your question?

-Hello, Bruce.

-Hello, darling.

I'd like to ask you, do you have any superstitions?

I'm the most superstitious person.

When I get up, I go in the bathroom, like we all do - before you start!

If I see a magpie, I go crazy! Anybody got a thing about magpies?

If I saw a magpie in my bathroom, I'd be...

-LAUGHTER

-Did you leave a window open?

-Is it a problem with you, the magpie?

-Yeah. If I see a magpie...

-What do you say?

I say, "Good morning, Mr Magpie. How's your wife and family?"

How stupid!

LAUGHTER

I just salute. And I say, "Good morning, General."

And I hate magpies because I saw one once killing a little sparrow.

And I threw my golf club at him, they are...

That's nature!

I killed the sparrow.

I've got loads. Won't eat green sweets. If I get wine gums I throw all the green ones away.

I won't go under a ladder. I won't put a hat on the bed.

-So you come out of the bathroom...

-Oh, shut up!

You've been cross. You've seen this magpie brushing his teeth.

You come back into the bedroom. You won't wear a hat in bed or put a hat on the bed?

I won't put a... I don't wear a hat in bed!

-So you won't have a hat on the bed.

-Unless it's winter!

-Where is Ricky Emery? Where are you?

-Here.

Ricky, what's your question?

-MIMICS BRUCE:

-Eveveve...ryone's got a Brucie. Do you get bored of it?

"Veveve...?" LAUGHTER

First of all, mate, I don't talk like that.

If I did,

I'd have an operation.

Why does everybody think I talk like that when I don't?

ROB CHUCKLES

-Why do they do that "Veveveve...."?

-You do do that a bit.

You do!

-You go, "B-b-b-b-b...."

-I used to do it but I've grown out of it.

But no, I-I-I get a lot of fun out of watching...

-LAUGHTER

-Steve Longhurst.

-Did they let you in?

-LAUGHTER

Hiya, Steve.

Bruce, given your lo-o-ong and varied career,

-have you got any regrets?

-Did you nearly yawn then?

"Your lo-o-ong..." He nearly yawned, didn't he?

-Yes?

-Do you have any regrets looking back on your career?

Is there anything you haven't done?

Oh, many, many regrets. Show business is full of regrets.

There's been ups and downs. Rob will tell you...

The business is full of ups and downs.

The trouble is, people think we do this for a living and it's all fun.

They don't think that you have to think about every line.

E-e-every line in a... I nearly did it then!

Mm!

-LAUGHTER

-You're 83.

-Yes.

Are you thinking in any way at all about, you know, retiring?

Yes. Tonight.

You don't mean that! You don't mean that!

I know one day I'm going to wake up and say, "Is it all worth it?

"Have I got the strength?" But at the moment...

As I said when I first came on tonight,

this is what I love, what I grew up on in variety.

-When I see this kind of crowd, oh... I envy you.

-Ah.

We envy you! Bruce Forsyth.

CHEERING

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Ladies and gentlemen...

I'm sure you'll agree. It's been nice to see him, to see him...

Nice!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I want to say a big thanks to all my guests, to Elis James, to Bruce Forsyth.

From her new album, Make A Scene, please welcome Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

# I can't get out I'm trapped inside of it

# I won't let go Pain keeps driving it

# I'm only human, babe You let the feeling fade

# Keep pushing I keep pushing on

# I did the best I could I learned to sacrifice

# I tried to make it work This time away has done me good

# It's a change from you

# Keep switching me off and on and off and on and off

# I put myself back together

# You've been gone too long Nearly all the love has gone

# You thought I'd be free ever

# Keep switching me off and on and off and on and off

# I put myself back together

# You've been gone too long Nearly all the love has gone

# You thought I'd be free for ever

# I can't go back I'm sick and tired of it

# When love broke down I rewired it

# I'm only human, babe You let the feeling fade

# Keep pushing till I reach a higher ground

# I tried to make it work When every door was closed

# You tried to make it better I tried to make an honest man

# Woah

# Out of you

# Keep switching me off and on and off and on and off

# I put myself back together

# You've been gone too long Nearly all the love has gone

# You thought I'd be free for ever

# Keep switching me off and on and off and on and off

# I put myself back together

# You've been gone too long Nearly all the love has gone

# You thought I'd be free for ever

# Wired to the sun like a laser beam

# Power surge Come feel the energy

# And I'm ready to shine and shine and shine

# And shine and shine and shine for ever

# I put myself back together

# You've been gone too long Nearly all the love has gone

# You thought I'd be free for ever

# Keep switching me off and on and off and on and off

# I put myself back together

# You've been gone too long Nearly all the love has gone

# You thought I'd be free for ever

# I, I, I put myself

# I, I put myself

# I put myself back together

# You, you, you thought I'd be

# You, you, you thought I'd be

# You, you thought I'd be free for ever. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

That was lovely.