Episode 4 The Rob Brydon Show

Tonight, we have comedy from Josh Widdicombe!

From the biggest comedy hit of the year, the star of Bridesmaids:

And we have Jesse Wood, Glen Matlock, Ian McLagan,

Kenney Jones, Ronnie Wood and Mick Hucknall - The Faces!

Stay with me.

-APPLAUSE

-Good evening!

Ho!

Good evening, everybody. Welcome. Thank you. Welcome to the show.

Look at this - a man wearing a vest indoors.

That's always nice. It's not even an ITV2 documentary.

Look at you and your... What's your name, sir?

STAMMERS A Carl. Carl.

Hi, I'm "A" Rob.

Good to meet you, Rob.

Ooh, is that a Welsh accent?

-It is.

-Where to are you from?

-Merthyr Tydfil.

-Merthyr Tydfil!

-And are you with your partner?

-This is Joanne, my fiancee.

Let her speak, eh?

-Hello, Joanne.

-Hello.

-Is it the ink that attracted you?

That's the first thing I saw. I thought, "That man's got ink."

That's what we say in tattooing circles.

-I've not got ink.

-Ahh!

-No ink on me.

-Really?

-No.

I've not even got a cheeky little one hidden away! I'm not inked.

-Do you want one?

-No, I don't want one, no.

You look like a younger version of me.

Shut up! What is it that you do?

I'm... Now you're asking! Erm...

-I do a few bits and pieces.

-A few bits and pieces.

Are you claiming benefits and working at the same time?

APPLAUSE

Very shifty!

I'm also a part-time professional wrestler.

Seriously?

-Genuinely.

-A professional wrestler?

-Do you have a name as a wrestler?

-I do. I'm known as Caiman.

The Crocodile?

Caiman "the Crocodilian Psycho" is my sub-name.

-Caiman the Crocodilian Psycho.

-LAUGHTER

What was it that attracted you to Caiman the Crocodilian Psycho?

I spotted you with your tattoos. I know we've got someone here who is into tattoos.

They're training to be a tattooist. Is it you, sir?

-Hello. What's your name?

-Lee.

Hello, Lee. A trainee tattooist.

When are you going to make the leap and become a tattooist?

Whoever's willing to lend me some skin.

Well, I don't know if you've ever met Caiman the Crocodile Psycho!

-How long have you been studying it?

-Studying quite a while,

but actually tattooing about three weeks.

-LAUGHTER

-I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't.

I'd wait until he's got a bit more air miles under his belt.

Thanks for coming on tonight.

Later on, I will be chatting to Ronnie Wood and Mick Hucknall. They'll be here with The Faces.

But first, he is the star of this year's biggest comedy film,

and one of the country's favourite sitcoms.

Please welcome Chris O'Dowd!

-How are you?

-Are you all right?

-Chris O'Dowd, everybody.

-CHEERING

Now, straight away,

-who's seen Bridesmaids?

-THEY CHEER

Virtually everybody in the audience.

First of all, it's a brilliant film, but you play the romantic lead, don't you?

Very, er...

That's very true!

You know, I think it is a very, very funny film.

We improvised a lot, so it seems very natural

and very, erm, fluid and flowing.

Everybody else was so funny in it

that I didn't feel like I needed to be funny,

and that made it very easy to just be normal.

The film's gone down just a treat. I know you're spending a lot of time in Los Angeles.

"LA" I call it... Er...

It's a good time to be British in Hollywood, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Who do you hang out -

-And Irish.

Yes. Oh!

-AUDIENCE GASP

-It's become very political! Ohh!

Awkward moment for the edit!

It's a good time to be Irish in Hollywood, isn't it?

It is helpful that there are so many British comedy guys doing great.

-Do you hang out together?

-They don't know who I am. It's a different...

Ricky and Russell would know you.

Ricky looked at me twice and both times said,

"Oh, the Big Bang guy!"

-The sitcom? You're not in that, are you?

-I'm not!

And more embarrassingly, both times I said, "Yes!"

-Just go with it. Just go with it.

-"Sure I am, yes."

So you've got English guys out there, you as an Irish guy...

Is there room for a Welshman?

It's been great talking to you, Chris. Er...

Well, you know, I mean, er, I could...

No, I could see it!

If they went for... Don't sound so exasperated!

-I mean, Dudley Moore.

-Yes.

-You know?

Well, he was short.

You've got a lot more against you than that!

No! No, no!

Hang on.

I'm going to have a word with a friend of mine,

he's the Caiman Crocodilian Psychopath.

Yo, Carl. Erm...

Officer O'Dowd here, I want you to take him down.

After the show.

-All right!

-I'll make a few phone calls.

No, I want you to hit him.

Don't try and book him a holiday.

APPLAUSE

Have we lost you to Hollywood? Is it going to change you? Are you going to buff up?

-Ricky Gervais is looking...

-Yes, he is.

Might you? You haven't yet.

I like American breakfast too much, is the answer.

Look at you, you're stick thin. You're in great shape.

-There's a lot of stuff going on down here.

-Which we don't want to know about!

In Bridesmaids, there's a little kind of,

sort of sexiness, it's not too raunchy, with you and Kristen.

-How was that?

-Sex stuff is weird because nobody wants to be doing it.

The actors don't want to do it, the director finds it embarrassing,

all of the crew are on their best behaviour.

But I find it, without being, er, self-important about it,

I think it... it does matter that

the audience see non-sculpted figures more than they do,

so that's why I try not to...

..that's the only reason I don't have a six pack!

I think it's important that we see proper human forms

rather than these masquerading,

nonsensical, bronzed statues.

-And those scenes are usually very choreographed, aren't they?

-Yes.

"Put your hand here, turn your neck here."

It's all about the bloody camera.

I mean, luckily, that's how I usually do it.

It's a natural progression from how it is at home!

Dawn's here and she'll know that we spend... It's a lot of takes.

-Where is Dawn?

-In the audience. She's up there.

-Hiya, Dawn!

-Hi!

-This is Dawn Porter, of course.

Has he changed since Hollywood success has come along?

I want to say something funny, but I'll be genuine and say no. His feet are firmly on the ground.

Aww, isn't that nice?

Who was that?

Tell me about some of the big names you've worked with. Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids

and Kristen Wiig, who's huge, from Saturday Night Live...

Is it different when you work with somebody you've watched?

You've worked with Jack Black. Give me some of the other names.

-Who have we had?

-Steve Carell!

-Yes.

-Dinner for Schmucks.

-That's right.

And Paul Rudd and Jason Segel and... A few of them.

It's different, but a lot of them, particularly in that clan,

the Judd Apatow kind of people, they're very similar to our sensibilities.

-And you worked with Kerry Katona.

-I did!

What a wonderful end to that list!

We did a show called Showbands, where I played...

-Do you know what showbands are?

-Like cabaret bands?

-Kind of.

They were these big bands in the '50s and '60s in Ireland

that would tour around and, essentially, just do covers.

Weird kind of music.

Anyway, she played a singer in a band and I came back, almost as an Irish Dean Martin.

You sang, didn't you? And you've got a lovely voice.

-You've never seen it.

-I've seen the clip. I haven't watched the whole thing!

I saw the clip and, seriously, you've got a lovely voice.

-I don't know about that.

-You sang Danny Boy, didn't you?

-I did.

-Yes.

-I don't like where this is going!

You're clearing your throat as if you're about to sing!

Would you give us...? We've got The Faces, Ronnie Wood, Mick Hucknall coming on soon.

They may spot you and offer you something big.

-Yes.

-Would you give us a little bit of Danny Boy?

Yes, let's do it.

# Oh, Danny Boy

# The pipes, the pipes are calling

# From glen to glen

# And down the mountainside

# The summer's gone

# And all the flowers are dying

# It's you, it's you

# Must go and I must bide

# But come the spring

BOTH: # When summer's in the meadow

# And all the hills

-# Are plush and white with snow

-ROB HARMONISES

# 'Tis you, 'tis you

# In sunshine or in shadow

# Oh, Danny Boy

# Oh, Danny Boy

-# I love you

-ROB HARMONISES

# So... #

APPLAUSE

Chris will be answering your questions later on.

But now it's time to meet two music legends, and I mean that.

Please welcome Ronnie Wood and Mick Hucknall.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Mick, lead singer with The Faces! How did that come about?

-Incredible.

-It's fantastic.

-It's a thrill.

You're kind of the same age as me, you must've been a fan as you grew up.

Well, yes. I'd bought my first - sorry about this, Ron -

I bought my first single when I was 13 in 1973,

and I had a poster of him and Rod on my wall, and Kenney and Mac,

so the notion that I would be in a band called The Faces is completely surreal.

-With someone just one year older than you!

-Yes, exactly!

You're here tonight with The Faces, Ron, you're a Rolling Stone of course,

so I'm assuming you've met everybody.

Can I throw names at you and if it rings a bell,

you can tell me the circumstances of the meeting.

It might drop a clanger as well as ringing a bell!

That's the excitement of it!

-Johnny Cash?

-The Man in Black. I only met him backstage

at Bob Dylan's 40th anniversary at Madison Square Garden.

-He came in with a whole team of other people dressed in black.

-Really?

Very tall, very, er, dominating kind of person.

He said hello. But I was kind of shell-shocked

because I realised I was sharing a dressing room with Stevie Wonder, as well,

and he was practicing, not thinking anyone else was in the room.

-And it blew my mind, you know? It was lovely.

-Wow.

Did you sneak up behind him?

You could never catch him by surprise. He knew where everyone was in the room.

One last name. Elvis Presley.

-No. I never met him.

-You didn't? I'd heard that you had.

-I went to the hospital in Memphis where he was -

-The hospital?

-Yes. When he was on his way out.

-Oh, lovely.

-He was on his way out a few times,

because of the drugs the so-called doctors that were hanging out with him were giving him.

I went into reception and I chickened out.

I didn't want to say, "I'm Ronnie Wood. Let me up to Elvis's room."

And later on I found out he had Jimmy Page and Robert Plant up there in his room.

-From Led Zeppelin.

-They were exchanging rings.

And he was giving away big gifts, Cadillacs and stuff.

What were Led Zeppelin doing in his hospital room?

-That's what I thought.

-If it had been proper doctors, maybe he'd still be alive today!

Look, I wondered... Let me just put this big boy there.

I wondered if we could do a Faces track,

because I've been desperately trying to learn this.

I won't tell you what it is. I'm going to surprise you.

-AUDIENCE GIGGLE

-O ye of little faith!

I'm not a guitarist. I'm a man who owns a guitar.

-There is a difference.

-He's lovely, isn't he? Ahh!

Ready? See if you know what it is.

Not yet.

HE WHISTLES "Ooh La La" by The Faces

-Home On The Range!

-Don't look as though you don't know what it is!

-You mean...

Ahh, OK.

AUDIENCE CLAP RHYMICALLY

# Poor old Granddad

# I laughed at all his words... Go on, Mick.

# I thought he was a bitter man

# He spoke of women's ways

# They trap you and they use you

# Before you even know

# But love is blind

# And you're far too kind Don't ever let it show

ALL: # I wish that

# I knew what I know now

# When I was younger

# I wish that

# I knew what I know now

# When I was stronger #

-The can-can's such a pretty show!

-ROB WHISTLES

CHEERING

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you!

The whole band are going to play later on.

But now, in just a few years, this next guy has become one of the best stand-ups on the circuit.

Please put your hands together for Josh Widdicombe.

APPLAUSE

Hello!

It's very nice. It's very nice.

It's nicer than my house.

I don't live in a particularly nice area. I got burgled recently.

When you get burgled, everyone says the same thing to you.

"Do you know what the worst thing about being burgled is?

"Knowing a stranger has been through your things."

And you go, "No.

"The worst thing about being burgled is knowing a stranger HAS my things."

If they had just been browsing, I wouldn't have given a shit!

If you offered me two options, one, my laptop is gone

or, two, find a stranger in my room going, "I like this T-shirt,

"but, er, have you got it in a large?"

My mum said, "You know why you've been burgled and we haven't? We're in the Neighbourhood Watch."

I said, "It's because you live in Devon, in a small village,

"in the middle of mile upon mile of moorland.

"No-one's going to burgle you because whatever they took wouldn't cover their petrol money."

I don't understand Neighbourhood Watch. It's a club that you join,

then if you see a crime being committed, you report it to the police.

What were these people doing before they joined?

"Oh, the Joneses are being burgled. If only there was something I could do about it!

"I imagine there's a number I can phone, but I wouldn't know, I'm not in a club."

From what I can tell, the only proactive thing they do is, once a month, have a meeting.

All that does, it tells burglars, for one night out of every 30,

all houses are empty and unwatched.

There's this paranoia about crime back in Devon.

I went back recently, I went into the local Co-op

and there was a sign on the desk and the sign said,

"Did you know we now do legal advice?"

Obviously my first reaction was,

"No.

"To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised you did Sugar Puffs."

Why has the Co-op started doing legal advice?

Is there too many people coming in going, "I'll have 10 Silk Cut, a Viennetta,

"and I've killed a man!"

APPLAUSE

I'm in my 20s now. It's difficult in your 20s.

I keep getting invited to parties where my friends are trying to recapture their youth.

They'll go, "I don't know if you want to come out tonight.

"It's my birthday, we're all going to Laser Quest."

"No, I don't. I can legally drink. I don't do that any more."

Laser Quest, ice skating, bowling!

It's my birthday in two weeks.

"Good news. I've rented a sports hall and, er,

"we're resitting our SATs.

"Do bring a see-through pencil case, otherwise you will not get in!"

I've not been to Laser Quest in years. We went and the first thing the guy said to us,

"Guys, this is Laser Quest. This is the future of warfare."

No, it isn't, mate.

I won't turn on the TV in ten years and go, "More fighting in Basra.

"Are they in a warehouse next to a bowling alley?

"Is that dry ice? Are they listening to 2 Unlimited?

"It's exactly like Laser Quest! He was right!"

I struggle with being an adult because I can't do any of those things. Like, I can't mend a plug.

I get lost a lot. I'm meant to have a sense of direction.

When you're young you're told, "If you lose one of the senses

"one of the others will improve to compensate." That's not true.

I can't stand here and go, "I haven't got a sense of direction, but I tell you what,

"my sense of occasion is awesome!"

I don't know what that means. Presumably, I can turn up at a gathering and know what it is.

"Is this a joint 37th birthday party?

"How do I know? I've got an amazing sense of occasion actually.

"I don't know any of you. Why am I here? I'm lost!"

Better that than the other way, having an amazing sense of direction but no sense of occasion.

You find your way to the funeral, but you'll dress for paintballing. No-one wants that.

You have been lovely. Thanks for your time. My name is Josh Widdicombe. Cheers!

CHEERING

Josh Widdicombe, ladies and gentlemen. Fantastic.

Now it's time for the audience to ask questions of you, sir.

Where's Jamie Evans?

What was the worst job you ever had before you made it big?

Oh, God, I did a bunch of bad stuff.

But, er...

I was a Bob Geldof impersonator.

-Really?

-I think we should probably open with that.

-In what capacity?

-Do you know the Lord Mayor's parade?

-Yes.

I used to work for an events company

and sometimes I'd be a waiter or do something else. I was the Easter Bunny one time.

At the Lord Mayor's parade, they have all those floats and people are on the streets,

and this one company, which was a scaffolding company, decided to have a float.

Their theme was "Great Britons".

And, erm, their three Great Britons were Churchill, fair enough, fine,

Robin Hood, OK.

Bob Geldof.

Not even British. That's OK. Great guy.

And I got the gig because I was Irish.

Our job was to just kind of march behind these drummers

and kind of wave and do the "Give us your money" kind of thing.

And the costume that they'd given me was jeans,

Live Aid T-shirt, fair enough, and a wig.

But they had got it late, so the wig that they gave me

was like a peroxide blond wig.

Everybody on our thing thought that...

..that I was Rick Parfitt...

..from Status Quo.

People were doing "Rocking all over the world"

and for the first mile I was like, "No! Give us your money!"

And then after that, I just went for it!

I was like, "And I like it! I like it!" Why not?!

So that was a weird job.

James Bullock is here. Hiya, James. What's your question?

I work in IT and a few of us in the office have been wondering,

are we going to see another season of The IT Crowd?

I hope we're going to do another one.

I don't know when, but hopefully early in the New Year.

James was worried that we might lose you to movies.

I'm assuming you've shot some more since Bridesmaids.

What have you got in the can, as we international actors say!

I laughed too hard! Erm... LAUGHTER

No, I've done another couple since.

I've got a film called Friends With Kids,

which is with a bunch of the same people, Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm and Maya Rudolph.

Maya and I are married in it, Jon and Kristen are married.

-It's about a bunch of 30-somethings who start having children!

-Right.

I went up at the end there because you've just had a child,

not because children make me excited.

And, er... LAUGHTER

That, hopefully, will come out in the autumn.

-Dominic Fraser. Hi, Dominic.

-Hi there!

-What's your question?

-Hi, Chris.

-Hi, Dominic.

-Nice easy question.

-You've got three older sisters?

-I do.

There we go.

Have you kidnapped them?

The next question is, "Would you like to see them alive again?"

Did they used to play dressing-up with you?

There was some dress-up, yes.

Dominic?!

-What sort of dress-up are we talking about?

-They would do this, erm...

When I was asleep!

They would wake me up really late for school,

so I didn't have time to have breakfast or shower or anything.

And then I would get to school,

presuming everything to be fine, apologise for being late and whatnot,

and I would find that people were laughing at me a little.

And I would then go into the bathroom

and see that they'd put makeup on me during the night.

-No!

-And when they were being particularly cruel,

they would put on like, erm, like a smoky eye,

like, just little... very subtle,

so it looked like it was a choice I had made.

So it was nothing too tarty. Just some nice, light day makeup.

Just like I was going through a phase.

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Chris O'Dowd.

I also want to say a big thank you to Josh Widdicombe.

But now, The Faces!

MUSIC: "Stay With Me" by The Faces

# In the morning

# Don't say you love me

# Cos I'll only kick you Out of the door

# I know your name is Rita Cos your perfume's smelling sweeter

# Since when I saw you there On the floor

ALL: # Stay with me

# Stay with me

# For tonight You're gonna stay with me

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# For tonight You're gonna stay with me

# Won't need too much persuading

# I don't mean to sound degrading

# But with a face like that You got nothing to laugh about

# Red lips, hair and fingernails

# I hear you're a mean old Jezebel

# Let's go upstairs And read my tarot cards

# Come on

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# For tonight You're gonna stay with me

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# For tonight You're gonna stay with me

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Yes! Fantastic.

Guys, brilliant.

The Faces! Good night, everybody!

E-mail [email protected]