Episode 5 The Rob Brydon Show

There's a host of stars, ma'am. The comedian, Phil Wang.

May I introduce you to the singer, Will Young?

And our star guest, Dame Edna Everage.

I've got a spooky feeling

this is The Rob Brydon Show!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Hello! Good evening. Thank you.

-CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Thank you very much. Hello!

Oh! Straight away, I've spotted a same-sex couple!

Isn't that lovely? Two ladies relaxing together!

-What is your name, my love?

-Caroline.

Hello, Caroline. And your partner?

This is my sister.

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't go out with her voluntarily!

-Me, neither!

-"Wouldn't go out with her voluntarily."

This may sound odd, given that she's your sister.

-Is she not your type?

-Not at all. No!

-So where's your partner?

-He's at home.

-Aw. Is that what he's told you?

-LAUGHTER

How did you meet him?

I found him on the A2/M2. LAUGHTER

-What do you mean? How did you find him?

-He was hitchhiking.

-Hitchhiking?

-Yeah.

-Seriously, you picked up the man.

-And he went on to be your future husband?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Did you used to just drive along this road...?

A sort of primitive form of speed dating?

How long have you been together?

-20 years.

-20 years! How about that?

I've spotted behind you a very smart looking lady, lovely blonde hair,

nice white blouse.

-What is your name?

-My name's Barbara.

-Hello, Barbara. Where are you from?

-I'm from Swindon.

-And what do you do?

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We all want to celebrate Swindon! And what do you do there?

I'm a crime scene investigator.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Bloody hell!

CSI Swindon!

That would be a series, wouldn't it?

-LOCAL ACCENT:

-We've found a body.

Now, I don't know what we're going to do about it.

We'd better give Barbara a call.

Barb? You there?

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Hello! I'm available.

-So you get involved with dead bodies and stuff?

-I do, yes.

Eugh, huh, huh, huh!

Anything scary? You must have been scared in your job, surely?

I've been locked in the mortuary before.

-Locked in?

-The lights have gone off. I never knew where to put my hand.

-You're in the mortuary, doing your job?

-I'd just finished.

They forgot me and left me behind.

-So what happened?

-I had to wait until another body was brought to the mortuary.

-Oh! You were praying for death!

-LAUGHTER

Please let somebody else be bumped-off soon!

-So they brought a body in.

-Yeah. I made some noises from inside.

Somebody is coming along, wheeling a body, going, "There'll be no noise in there cos they're all dead."

-They opened the door. What did you do?

-I came running out!

-They must have been terrified.

-They jumped, yes.

-I bet they jumped!

-Is it a good job?

-It's a brilliant job. I love it.

-What I call a weirdo.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's get on with the show. In a moment, music from Will Young.

First, though, the greatest woman that has ever lived.

We are thrilled to welcome Dame Edna Everage.

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Hello, possums!

WOLF WHISTLES

What a show-off I am!

-What a raunchy entrance!

-What a horrible couch this is.

Dame Edna, you look wonderful.

You seem to get better as each year passes.

Oh, Rob. You know the right things to say.

I'm thrilled by your career, too.

And you're starting it in the way I would recommend to you -

quietly, very quietly. LAUGHTER

I think people will come around to you, Rob.

Do you really think so? Sometimes I worry that they won't.

The jury is out, of course, but... LAUGHTER

I can't go on teasing this gifted and lovely person.

I want to talk to you about fashion.

I've seen Lady Gaga a few times and thought...

There's a flash in the pan, if ever there was one.

Let's look at her in that famous meat outfit.

Is that something that you would ever consider wearing?

-Covered in meat.

-I think I would rather like a frock like that.

-She's made an effort, but she's gone too far.

-Too much of an effort.

Whereas, women here in the studio have made no effort whatsoever.

Why don't you have a little look at our audience,

and see if there's anybody whose fashion sense catches your eye?

There's a glamour puss in the third row in a sort of mustardy colour.

Look at her! Look at that blonde lady!

-What's your name, little mustard pot?

-Sophie.

-Oh! You remind me of myself, Sophie.

-Thank you.

-I

-used to make my own clothes. LAUGHTER

And, like you, I failed.

I think maybe we should stop, Dame Edna, before you go too far.

-Something that's very popular nowadays is the Vajazzle.

-What?

-You've heard of Vajazzle?

-I don't think the audience have heard of it, either.

I think it's when a lady might decorate in a delicate area.

-Do we have delicate areas any more?

-Well...

I'm silly pretending not to know. I've got my finger on the pulse.

Not at the moment. LAUGHTER

I still have my drives and juices.

-Most women, Dame Edna with the greatest respect, of your age, would be past child-bearing years.

-No.

-My gyno, who is in this dressing room here.

-Your gynecologist?

My gynecologist.

As a matter of fact, he gave me an exploratory five minutes ago.

LAUGHTER

I believe in regular exploratories. What...?

STIFLING LAUGH: What woman doesn't? He...

He gave me the thumbs-up.

Of course, since I adopted that little African kiddie,

beautiful little chocolate-coloured cherub...

-What was his name, that little African you adopted?

-He had a funny name.

CLICKS HER TONGUE THREE TIMES

LAUGHTER

Are you sure you're pronouncing that properly?

Well...

At school, won't they be horrible to him?

They abridge things.

They'll probably call him... CLICKS TONGUE ONCE

That's hurtful, isn't it? But he's coming on beautifully.

I am still technically capable of breast feeding.

I'm lactating as I speak!

Could you suckle my...? If my wife...

-No, not you.

-Not me. That's a horrific thought, but if...

-And this is a family show.

-Yes. It WAS a family show.

Your little one. I could do a bit of wet nursing down at your place.

It's a lovely thought.

There's a little glint in little Rob Brydon's eye.

By the way, if you've just tuned in, this is The Rob Brydon Show.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, you'll get your chance, in the audience, to talk to Dame Edna later.

-But now...

-Gosh!

-..please welcome a man

who has sold over eight million albums -

Will Young!

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

-I'm so excited to meet you.

-Are you?

I wish I could say the same. LAUGHTER

Please, no. I didn't mean that to sound horrible.

But I...

I've never heard of you before.

APPLAUSE No! It's my fault!

Dame Edna, I have to say, Will is a big star

here in the UK.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

He deserves to be. He's gorgeous.

He does. Will is one of our finest singers.

The exciting news is, a new album. Tell us about it.

Yes. I have a new album out.

Do you notice that I'm not promoting anything?

Oh! I'm going to be in pantomime in Wimbledon!

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You're going to be at the theatre in Wimbledon in pantomime

-this coming Christmas.

-No more. No more.

What part are you playing?

I've absolutely no idea.

I'll just come on when things are getting a bit dull.

-But on to YOU, darling.

-That was my role tonight.

-Oooh!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I'm sorry.

-No!

-No...!

-Don't. Don't.

I'll await an opportunity to reciprocate.

Will, I think you may have just made one of the greatest mistakes of your career.

It's the way you're looking at your rings, Dame Edna.

-Well, I... They're beautiful.

-They are beautiful.

And I'm glad they're nowhere else.

We're talking about a yucky custom.

Do you have piercings, Will? Are you pierced anywhere?

I used to have my... No, I had two.

I had my chin pierced and I had my...

-belly button pierced.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I'd come out at university...

-You what?

I'd come out as gay...at university.

LAUGHTER

Yes?

But I wanted to hear the name, Rob. We've gone off on a bit of a tangent.

-The name of your new album.

-The name is Echoes.

And it's been a while since I've done a new studio album.

I don't know who to talk to!

Talk to Dame Edna.

Look, you could go and have a cup of tea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There are your notes.

Oh.

That's MY interview.

Oh!

-Ask me about the album.

-The album, yes. Oh!

-You've got a wonderful new album called Echoes.

-Yes.

-It's your first studio album in a long time.

-Three years.

I've done the video for the song Jealousy, which I'll be performing later. I'm a trapeze artist.

Are you...? LAUGHTER

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Will, lovely to see you.

-Good to see you. Dame Edna!

-Hello!

-Mwa!

Rob Brydon!

-I'll come and join you.

-You sit there.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh. I LOVE this show!

Will has sung with SUCH stars.

Elton John. James Brown.

-But I don't think you've ever sung with a great female star.

-No.

Never sang with a female singer. No. Or star.

This is an opportunity. If we were to switch seats again...

I'll go this way so they don't see my bald patch.

-I have the same thing!

-Not like me, you don't!

Now, Dame Edna, there's a lovely song.

Frank Sinatra made it famous. It's called Something Stupid.

-Do you know it?

-Oh, I remember that song!

Why don't we make some musical magic right now with Something Stupid?

# I know I stand in line until you think you have the time

# To spend an evening with me

Ha! Oh, yes!

# And if we go some place to dance I know that there's a chance

# You won't be leaving with me

# And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place

# And have a drink or two

Not a gay bar, please!

# Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid

# Like "I love you"

Isn't it a lovely song?

# I can see it in your eyes That you despise the same old lies

# You heard the night before

# And though it's just a line to you For me it's true

# And never seemed so right before

Lovely to hear the tune again!

LAUGHTER

# The time is right Your perfume fills my head

# The stars get red and all the night is blue

The stars get red?

-BOTH

-# And then I go and spoil it all

# By saying something stupid like

# I...

# I love you

ALL # I love you

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

ALL # I love you! #

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Aw! What a joyous union!

What a joyous union!

We will be hearing more from Dame Edna and Will later.

Earlier in the series, we tried to book our next guest,

this 21-year-old comedian, but we couldn't get him out of his exams.

His exams are over. We're pleased to say he passed.

So welcome the very funny Phil Wang!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. My name is Phil Wang.

I'm the answer to the question, "What would it look like if Gok Wan got a bit fat?" Or tubby.

Lumpy's the word. Good evening. My name's Phil Wang.

I'm the answer to the question, "What would it look like if Michael McIntyre had a child with...

"um...Gok Wan?"

A very Gok Wan-y kind of face.

Got any McIntyre fans in? AUDIENCE: Yes!

No, he's good. He's very enjoyable. I do have one problem with him.

That is that a while back, as part of one of his shows,

he says that when he smiles

he looks like a fat Chinese man.

Now, following that logic,

I...you know...

Good evening. This is very lovely. Thank you for having me.

I had a gig that wasn't so much fun, one of those scary pub gigs.

The name of the gig was the Lolathon. The Lolathon.

Ridiculous! But that's become a bit of a trend, hasn't it?

To put "lol" into a word and make some word about jokes or comedy.

Lol, of course, stands for "laugh out loud".

You use lol in conversation if you're...an idiot.

It wasn't a good gig but it inspired me to come up with my own lol words

to jump on this lol bandwagon.

Or lolwagon. That one's not so good! I did bring you a list of my better ones.

You lucky people! A list of lol words.

The first lol word here is...

"Funerlol". "Funerlol".

Any grave diggers in the room will know that's when you laugh so hard

you kill someone and have to attend the burial, maybe a friend.

You're still laughing, though. Very inconsiderate. Everyone's looking at you.

And the next lol word is "lolkward".

That's a lot like "awkward"

but it's only awkward because you're laughing at the funeral

of someone you've just killed with your incessant lolling.

Stop it. You're hurting people!

And the last lol word here is...

"sausage lols".

LAUGHTER "Sausage lols".

Which is just what my dad calls sausage rolls.

I make these references to being Chinese

because I find it to be quite...lucrative.

I actually grew up in a smaller country called Malaysia, just south of China.

Growing up in the Third World was fun, nice, OK, but could be tough.

Mainly because my dad's a very traditional Asian man,

a very proud Chinese man.

He used to say, "We're not yellow. We're matt gold."

He's an idiot, a stupid man.

Also, I'm quite a modern man. I'm in touch with my feminine side.

Whereas, he has very set ideas of how men and women should behave.

I don't know if you can tell, but I have a mono-brow problem.

You can't tell because I deal with it very well.

Any hairy women will vouch that the way to deal with it

is to get a pair of tweezers and pluck the little devils out.

That looks quite feminine.

One day, I was sat in my room, plucking. My dad opened the door.

He sees me plucking.

He looks at me like I've just kicked the family dog

into my mother's face

on my sister's birthday.

He says, "What are you doing? That is for girls!"

You don't know him, but that's a very good impression of my dad.

"What are you doing? That is for girls!"

So I explained, "No, Dad. Society has changed.

"So has our perception of masculinity.

"Plucking one's eyebrows no longer suggests a tendency towards feminine or homosexual behaviour.

"It's a sign of cultivation, hygiene and masculine care for one's personal appearance."

And he said, "Huh!

"Well, at least take the dress off."

LAUGHTER

Fair enough!

Whatever!

You are living in the past, Dad.

You are living in the past.

Thank you very much. I'm Phil Wang. Have a lovely evening!

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Phil Wang, everybody. Wasn't he good?

21 years old! I'm going to hand you over to our audience.

We've only got time for a few questions. Where are you, David?

I was wondering whether you would have any advice

to give to your Australian cricket hero, Shane Warne,

now he's romantically linked with Elizabeth Hurley.

-This is a remarkable story!

-A story that stunned us all, frankly!

Shane I know, and he's a really sweet fellow.

I think he should count his blessings.

He was very naughty with his previous wife, texting other women

in a rude and horrible way.

In a way only the royal family would really employ.

Let's take advantage of your great wisdom. Where's Alison?

-Hi, Alison!

-What's your question for Dame Edna?

My husband and I are trying to conceive. Do you have any tips?

-Be careful.

-LAUGHTER

I would recommend sexual intercourse.

Did it take you and Norm long to conceive your first child?

We made three attempts. LAUGHTER

Three attempts?

All of which were successful.

So there wasn't very much point in pursuing.

As I said to your...lovely guest...

-Will Young.

-Wing... Will Young.

Will he be in the finished show? LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

To me, it's an over-rated topic.

There's lots more in the world.

I've never shared this kind of thing.

It is a tribute to you, Rob Brydon.

By the way, this is The Rob Brydon Show.

And this is Dame Edna Everage!

Thank you so much, Dame Edna.

Ah, thanks, Rob. Thank you!

Wonderful to have you. Dame Edna Everage!

CHEERING

-Thank you!

-How about that?

-Rob, can I...?

-Please. Enjoy the...

-Yes! Yes!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Oh, look! She's on a walkabout!

I'd also like to say a massive thank you to Phil Wang.

Now, please welcome back, with his new single, Jealousy, Will Young!

# I take it all back

# All that I said

# Came out too fast

# So I

# Just couldn't help

# The way that I felt

# I started the fire

# Watching you walk

# I followed you there

# Standing too close

# It's hurting

# I pictured the words

# The warmth of your breath

# I started the fire It's burning

# And it feels like jealousy

# And it feels like I can't breathe

# And I'm on, down on my knees

# And it feels like jealousy

# Seeing a light

# A face in the crowd

# My lonely heart is racing

# And my whole world

# Is under attack

# What kind of love am I facing?

# Is it me that you want?

# Cos it's me you can have

# Can you give me an answer?

# I'm tired of waiting

# I'm tired of thinking, yeah

# And it feels like jealousy

# And it feels like I can't breathe

# No

# And I'm on, down on my knees

# And it feels like jealousy

# Oh oh oh

# Oh

# Oh

# Mmmmm

# I'm tired of waiting

# I'm tired of thinking

# Whoa whoa whoa

# And it feels like jealousy

# Oh oh oh

# And it feels like I can't breathe

# I can't breathe

# And I'm on, down on my knees

# And it feels like jealousy. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Oh, Will! Will Young, ladies and gentlemen! And Dame Edna Everage!

Good night!