Episode 6 The Rob Brydon Show

Marshalling the backline, stand-up Joe Wilkinson!

Holding up the midfield, Manchester band Hurts!

And who else to lead the attack but British comedy legend, Frank Skinner!

It's kick-off!

-CHEERING

-Hello!

Good evening! Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello!

Welcome to the show. Good evening. Hello. Welcome.

Now then, let's see... Over here we've got an Andrew Smith.

Stick your hand up, Andrew. Hello, Andrew. What is it that you do?

-I enjoy metal detecting.

-Aww!

-That most sociable of hobbies!

-That's the one.

So, you go out...

Have you got a little thing that goes "beep"?

-I've got a metal detector, as well!

-Sorry.

Let's... Let's...

Let's stamp on this right away!

Look at him, laughing his head off down the front.

He looks like he's auditioning for a Beach Boys tribute act.

Look at him! I simply asked

if you had a little thing that went "beep"?

I meant a detector.

Is that... Are you one of those guys?

No, I go forwards.

LAUGHTER

No, I was going forwards!

-You were going backwards.

-That is by nobody... Even by these idiots, that is forward!

You're looking, aren't you? You're waiting for "Beep"!

HE MIMICS DETECTOR That's the one.

You'd have a hell of a lot of it down here!

For that plate in the skull, it would be going off!

I don't mean that. Come on.

Let's go across now, over to here. Lovely lady there on the second row in the lovely flowery top.

-What is your name?

-Hi, Rob. I'm Roz. I'm a good Welsh girl.

I didn't catch any of that.

-You're Rob?

-No, you're Rob. I'm Roz.

I know that, love!

Please...

I have, at no stage,

been in any doubt of who I am.

-What we want to establish, who are you?

-I'm Roz.

-Sorry. Roz.

Sorry, I didn't catch it. Where are you from?

Originally, I'm from Porthcawl.

-I lived in Porthcawl myself!

-And I went to school with you.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLING

This is a little bit embarrassing.

-Porthcawl Comp?

-Yes.

-Not at the same time.

I mean, you must've been, er, after me.

-When were you there?

-At the same time as you, Rob.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Did we know each other?

Yes, my darling. You came to my 18th birthday party!

-Seriously?

-Yes!

-What was your surname at school?

-Williams.

That narrows it down!

Roz Williams.

Well, it's great to see you again!

-Where was the party then?

-In Penymynydd.

Yes! So I came to your party. Was it a good night?

It was a good night. You were very sweet, you were the only boy who bought me a present.

-It was a beautiful...

-What did I get you?

It was a beautiful box of really expensive, obviously,

Charlie perfume!

-ALL: Whoo!

-Wow.

-That was 30 years ago.

-Yes.

Bet you Charlie's gone off by now.

Lovely to see you again. Roz, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, later on, I will be meeting the fantastic Hurts.

But first of all, please welcome a comedian

who's won a clean sweep of Perrier Award, British Comedy Award

and the big one, the 1998 Rear of the Year,

Frank Skinner!

INTRODUCTORY MUSIC

CHEERING

Frank Skinner, ladies and gentlemen...

That's the big one, Rear of the Year.

It doesn't get any better than that.

And it's gone down the nick. This year it was Anton du Beke.

Oh, no! What a strange-looking man he is!

LAUGHTER

-Don't!

-Yes. And, er...

Do you know Anton du Beke is really called Tony Beke?

-Yes, I do.

-I love that.

-Your real name is not Frank Skinner.

No, but I haven't changed my name to, er,

Francois de Skin!

-What were your thinking? Because Chris Collins was your birth name.

-Yes.

Why Frank Skinner? Is there a reason for that particular name?

Frank Skinner was a member of my dad's dominoes team.

-At the pub?

-Yes. We're a very sporting family.

I thought, "That's a great name." So when I needed to get a name for stage, I thought, "Hey."

So, when you took Frank Skinner the domino man's name, was it an honour for him?

He's no longer with us, I think. But a member of his family

sent me a little framed photograph of his tombstone.

-That's nice.

-Mm.

So I had "Here Lies Frank Skinner" on my corkboard for several years.

Some days it was more relevant than others.

Depending how the gig had gone the night before!

But I stared mortality in the face, I think it's fair to say.

-You know what people say about you?

-Go on.

They say you've mellowed.

-Mellowed?

-That's what people say again and again. Is that fair?

-What does that mean, though?

-I think, when they talk about you,

I think it means you've become a nicer person to be around, a bit warmer, a bit more affable.

What, you think I used to be an unpleasant person?

No, but I do think that, quite seriously,

I think that you had more of a...

You give off a far more friendly air now.

-You must've heard that.

-Did we meet years ago?

-We did.

-What happened?

-You were unfriendly.

LAUGHTER

We met after one of your shows and I struck up conversation with you about Elvis,

because I know you're a big fan, like me,

-and you didn't, you know... You weren't unpleasant.

-No.

But you didn't embrace the conversation like I thought you would.

But now when I try to talk about Elvis with you,

I can't get rid of you.

Well, I remember that night and I was put off by, erm,

the bottle of Charlie you gave me.

I'm sorry if I wasn't as friendly as I could've been.

It's a positive, what I'm saying. You make out like I'm the only person who's said this.

Yes, I think I was seen as, erm,

-a bit of a laddish comedian.

-Yes.

I talked about my sexual endeavours and stuff like that.

-At length!

-Mm.

-But, erm...

I put myself around quite a lot in those days.

You know what it's like, you're not a very good-looking bloke, and then suddenly...

LAUGHTER

I don't want sympathy. I want disagreement.

So suddenly, you get a bit of celebrity and you're a bit more popular,

and I believe, erm, the phrase is

"I filled my boots" somewhat. And I spoke about it.

What made you stop that way of life?

I think... I had, erm,

what I believe they call

a threesome.

I only ever did that once. This is old hat now.

People like Russell Brand, they were having multiples of...

He operated on a kind of binary system.

Was it a success?

There was a lot of sniggering. LAUGHTER

Oh! Unwelcome in the bedroom.

And you know the elbow going into the side like that? And I started to feel very insecure.

And then there was...

They both went in and there was, erm,

a clash of heads.

Honestly, I heard "Da-dunk!" Ohh! I winced. You know?

So I said, "Look, just sit down, have a breather..."

LAUGHTER

But they both went to the bathroom and there was a bit of a row ensued.

Some sort of territorial, erm, argument.

And so after they left,

I thought, "That's it for me."

-That was the turning point?

-I want love. You know?

-And you've found love now.

-I have found love.

Just one person.

APPLAUSE

Here's the thing... I know that you love your music

and you've got one thing in common with me, you love Elvis.

I grew up on those movies, those Elvis movies that everyone criticised.

Even Elvis fans don't like those, and I...

Elvis would be out and he'd see a guitar, pick it up,

and not only was it in tune, but these other guys knew the song.

People passing by knew the backing vocals!

You like Elvis, I like Elvis.

I have an in-house guitarist who I keep here, Frank, for just these occasions.

We're going to go back to 1969.

GUITARIST PLAYS SOFTLY

# Today I stumbled from my bed

# Thunder crashing in my head

# Pillow still wet From last night's tears

# As I think of giving up

# A voice inside my coffee cup

# Keeps calling out

# Ringing in my ears

BOTH: # Don't cry, Daddy

# Daddy, please don't cry

# Daddy, you still got me Little Tommy

# Together we'll find A brand-new mommy

# Daddy, Daddy, please laugh again

# Daddy, ride us on your back again

# Oh, Daddy, please don't cry

# Why are children always first

# To feel the pain And hurt the worst?

# It's true But somehow it don't seem right

# And every time I cry, I know

# It hurts my little children so

# I wonder Will it be the same to...night

# Don't cry, Daddy

-Abba!

-# Daddy, please don't cry

# Daddy, you still got me Little Tommy

# Together we'll find A brand-new mommy

# Daddy, Daddy, please laugh again

# Daddy, ride us on your back again

# Oh, Daddy

# Please don't cry #

-APPLAUSE

-Frank Skinner!

My dear fella!

WHISTLING

We'll talk more to Frank later on. He'll be answering your questions.

Now, you've already shown you're a big music fan, Frank. You're going to enjoy this.

It's one of the biggest bands of the moment,

please give a huge welcome, Hurts!

APPLAUSE

-Hi, guys.

-Hello.

-How you doing?

-Fantastic.

Welcome. First things first, why are you called Hurts? Because it's Hurts as in "Agh!"

-Yes.

-Where did it come from?

Erm, it looked cool and sounded good!

Yes, we were very miserable for a time. And now we're not.

-You've gone through a period of unhappiness.

-We were unemployed for a long time.

It seemed to fit at the time.

-Where did you meet?

-Outside a nightclub in Manchester at about 4am.

-Our friends were having a fight.

-No!

-I know. Pent-up male aggression.

We were too drunk to fight, so we, er, sort of murmured to each other and went...

And then the next day, nothing else to do, start a band.

LAUGHTER

It's gone very well, hasn't it?

It was all worthwhile. In the last year and a half, it kind of rocketed.

You collaborated with Kylie.

You worked with her on your album Happiness.

Big question for you. Taller or shorter than me?

Er... With or without heels?

I don't often wear heels.

-Was she lovely? She comes across as being lovely.

-She was great.

It was amazing. It was the final thing we did.

We had this song and we thought,

"Wouldn't it be great if she sung on it?"

And we got the balls together to write her an email,

and we just wrote, "All right, Kylie?"

LAUGHTER

"We're Hurts. Are you up for it?"

-I love your brevity!

-And she got back. It was an amazing thing.

Two weeks later, out the blue, she got back and said she'd do it

and then we were in the studio in London.

You know my next question. It's an obvious one. What's her email address?

So she came into the studio. Sometimes when you meet these icons,

-they can disappoint you.

-LAUGHTER

-How was it...

-HE LAUGHS

I don't mean it. How was it meeting Kylie?

I do!

It was brilliant. It was everything you imagine really.

-It was the icing on the cake of a long old road.

-She's a legend.

-She's beautiful.

-You've covered one of her songs.

-We have.

The Locomotion.

Which one did you do?

-We play a song called Confide In Me.

-I know that song.

-Could I join you on that song?

-You can.

-Would you let me join you?

-It would be our pleasure.

I'm going to play a little something on a drum machine. If it's too fast,

put your hand up and I'll slow things down. OK?

BOTH: Here we go.

# I stand at a distance

# I watch

# From afar

# Should I offer my assistance?

# Should it matter

# Who you are?

# We all get hurt by love

# And we all have a cross to bear

# But in the name of understanding

-FAMILY FORTUNES-STYLE BUZZER

-# A problem should be shared

-# Confide

-BUZZER RINGS

# In me

# Confide

-BOING!

-# In me #

FAST-PACED TECHNO MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

-Ladies and gentlemen, Hurts!

-Thank you very much.

Right, thanks very much, guys.

Hurts are going to performing for us again later on.

But now, he's the nosy neighbour on the BBC3 sitcom Him & Her,

he's taken time from his splendid Edinburgh show to be with us,

please welcome Joe Wilkinson!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

CHEERING

Come on, I haven't got long.

I live in south London. I live near my mum and dad still.

I go and see my mum and dad quite a lot, you know.

Because I love them. But they've also got Sky.

Which helps.

And last time I went to see them, I came out of my mum and dad's train station,

and outside the station there was three Community Support Officers.

You know them fellas, right?

"Hello. I like your hat."

They were just standing there. They were stopping people parking in these spaces.

I thought, "If that's your day, fair enough."

But I went home, I came back

and they were still doing it, just stopping people parking.

And I thought, "That's a bit odd." I wondered what had happened.

Do you reckon a real policeman had seen these spaces that they need to keep free and thought,

"Well, we've run out of traffic cones..."

"What else can we use?

"Community Support Officers! Course we can!"

They were using them as traffic cones.

Do you reckon they use them in any other part of the country, like on a motorway?

Just hundreds of them in a line, like that...

The occasional one knocked over where someone's changed the radio. "What was that?

"It's all right, it's just a Community Support Officer."

Students coming home with one on their head...

"Look what I nicked!"

APPLAUSE

I was in this jewellers recently.

I was standing behind this bloke who was waiting to be served.

There was a young girl serving. She was about 15, 16. She's standing there, chewing gum.

She's obviously a Saturday girl because she didn't give a... It's like that...

He went up to the counter and went, "Excuse me. I'm looking to buy a crucifix

"for my niece's christening."

And this girl went, "Oh, yeah, yeah, crucifix, yeah. Do you mean a cross?"

"Yes, a cross." She went, "We've got two types of crosses.

"We've got plain ones or ones with little men on them."

Little men?

Not Jesus.

"I'll have a Ronnie Corbett!"

I'll tell you one last thing.

It's a bit weird, but I'll just tell you.

Basically, my whole life, babies have stared at me.

Even before I looked like this. They've always stared at me.

I got the bus with my friend and there were about five babies on the bus,

and like always, they were staring at me.

My friend looked round the bus and she went, "Er...

"Joe, all the babies on this bus are staring at you."

I went, "I know. It happens." She went, "Really?"

I went, "It's always happened." She went, "That's a bit weird." I went, "Meh."

Anyway, got off the bus. About an hour later, I got on another bus on my own,

and there was a baby on that bus and it wasn't staring at me,

and I thought, "Ooh, that's weird."

But then, I saw the baby do this, I saw the baby go...

LAUGHTER

And I swear to God, at that point, I thought, "Still got it."

-I've got to go.

-APPLAUSE

CHEERING

I've been Joe Wilkinson. Thank you.

CHEERING

Joe Wilkinson, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Joe.

We're going to hand you over to the audience, Frank.

Our first question comes from our audience at home on Twitter. It's Jill Simpson.

It's a lie.

She said her head has cleared up, but...

She says, "Please could you ask Frank to do Strictly Come Dancing?

"He's been my dream contestant since series one."

-Do you fancy that?

-I've been asked to do all those things.

My favourite one, I was asked to do a thing called

-Celebrity Shark Cage.

-I saw that!

I can't swim. I would've been the only person more frightened of the water than the sharks.

What if I'd been so desperate to get on telly,

and some people are, if I'd just done it and drowned in the cage?

I think you had an aqua-lung on and underwater breathing things.

-But I can't put my face under.

-Can you not?

-No.

-Why?

Well, I'm worried about a clash of heads.

-I'm frightened of water, basically.

-You should get over that -

OK, I will! Thank you very much.

-No -

-What's this, a phobia clinic?

I know, and many of the audience will agree,

that the water can be a whole world of fun

-and you're missing out on it.

-Yes.

The sea, as well? You won't go in the sea?

If it's water...

No, there's a difference! There's a difference.

With pools, you've got a deep end and a slightly shallow end.

With the sea, depending on the beach, the gradation of the land, you can paddle and that can be nice.

I think it could be said of the sea that there is a deep end and a shallow end.

LAUGHTER

And then some!

A really deep end.

Obviously, I'm more afraid of the sea because there's wildlife in it, as well as drowning.

This is from Twitter. It's Steven Horner.

He says, "Do you miss living with David Baddiel?"

-You genuinely did live together.

-Oh, we lived together for, erm...

I got thrown out by my girlfriend of the time, and I said to Dave, "Could I stay at yours?"

He said, "You can come and lie on the sofa for a couple of days."

Well, not lie on the sofa. I would get up in the day and go back to it in the evening.

And I stayed for seven years.

Just the two of you?

I think his girlfriend moved in towards the end, and that was awkward.

-It was unfair of her really, wasn't it?

-It was!

He's very gullible, David Baddiel, so I used to play a series of practical jokes on him.

-What sort of things?

-His girlfriend went to a fancy-dress as Catwoman,

and she had these two enormous ears on a hat band.

I found this about six months later, and the ears were like this long.

I wedged it, I got in about three o'clock in the morning,

and wedged it in the cat flap... LAUGHTER

..and then really rattled the door!

Dave came out and went, "Agghh!"

-One last question for you. Crystal Carr is here. Where's Crystal?

-Just here!

-Crystal Carr is a brilliant name!

-Thank you.

-What's your question?

-Since your chat show with her, have you seen Tara Palmer-Tomkinson?

-Oh, yes!

-Er, I have. I have seen her a couple of times.

And, er, she's actually a very lovely person.

Just tell us the back-story to this.

Tara came on my show

and, er, she was, er...

I couldn't tell whether she was just very posh

or stoned out of her head. It's a very fine line.

She thought I was, er, this takes you back a bit, she thought I was Frank Butcher.

Who is a fictional character.

And, er, she was in... She was very slurry

and, erm, out of it.

And she said that she wasn't on cocaine, but that she had some in her dressing room,

and in anticipation, she was...

-What, like passive cocaine?

-Yes.

And I think she had a bottle of Charlie in her...

Ladies and gentlemen, please show your appreciation for the excellent Frank Skinner!

CHEERING

-Cheers, mate. Thanks very much. That was all right, wasn't it?

-Lovely!

I also want to say a big thank you to Joe Wilkinson!

And now, from their album Happiness, it's Hurts and "Wonderful Life"!

# On a bridge across the Severn On a Saturday night

# Susie meets the man of her dreams

# He says that he got in trouble And if she doesn't mind

# He doesn't want the company

# But there's something in the air

# They share a look in silence

# It's all understood

# Susie grabs the man And puts a grip on his hand

# As the rain puts a tear in his eye

# She says don't let go

# Never give up It's such a wonderful life

# Don't let go

# Never give up It's such a wonderful life

# Driving through the city To the Temple Station

# Cries into the leather sea

# Susie knows the baby Was a family man

# But the world has got him Down on his knees

# So she throws him at the wall Her kisses burn like fire

# And suddenly he starts to believe

# And he takes her in his arms And he doesn't know why

# But he thinks that He begins to see

# She says don't let go

# Never give up It's such a wonderful life

# Don't let go

# Never give up It's such a wonderful life

# Whoa...

# Ohh

# Whoa...

# Ohh

# She says don't let go

# Never give up

# Don't let go

# Never give up It's such a wonderful life

# Wonderful life, wonderful life

# Wonderful, wonderful Wonderful life

# Wonderful life, wonderful life

# Wonderful, wonderful Wonderful life

# Don't let go #

-APPLAUSE

-Fantastic.

Brilliant. Thank you, guys.

Thanks very much. Thanks, Adam.

Hurts, ladies and gentlemen!

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