Episode 7 The Rob Brydon Show


Episode 7

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Transcript


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MALE VOICE CHOIR SINGS "Land Of My Fathers"

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'This is Dai Young.

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'From 1988 to 1993, he and Rob Brydon were THE comedy duo

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'in West Glamorgan and parts of Pembrokeshire.

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'With Rob Brydon back on our screens in a brand-new series,

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'Dai Young has agreed to give us an insider's view of his old partner.'

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Young And Brydon was the...

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Sorry. Young And Brydon was the name of the double act we had.

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Musical comedy.

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I was the... the driving force, really, with it.

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And Rob was, uh...

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I'd say "made up the numbers", that's a bit unfair, but he was the dead weight. You know?

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-As an interviewer...

-He's still there. What?

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-As an interviewer, how would you rate Rob Brydon?

-Recording. Ssh, ssh!

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How would I rate him as an interviewer? Um...

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He's poor.

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-When you say soul, you think of American, Luther Vandross and...

-Yeah, of course, of course.

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-I can't believe that when you think of soul, you think of Luther Vandross.

-You wouldn't think of him?

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-Of all the greats, you could have had Aretha Franklin, you know.

-Yes, yes. Hang on a second, Bill.

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-Hang on a second.

-Sorry.

-I suppose when you think of soul, you think of people like...

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LAUGHTER

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-Does the cushion move?

-Yeah, you can move it.

-But continuity...

-We don't worry about that.

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-You don't?

-It's a lost cause. Some shots back at you, it'll be Martin Clunes.

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They are a bit shoddy on this show, yeah.

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Look at that.

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An American star, Play Your Cards Right, Woody Allen is Bruce.

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OK?

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-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-I'm the leader of the pack.

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I'm doing Woody Allen!

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It was more like Lily Allen!

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In Bridesmaids, you have a sex scene...

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-That's not yours.

-OK.

-It's a sex scene.

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-It's gin!

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

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And a little bit of Jif. I find it...

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It cleans the tubes as it goes down.

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-I'm frightened of water, basically.

-Oh, you should get over that.

-OK, I will. Thank you very much!

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-I mean...

-What's this? A phobia clinic?

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Dame Edna, you look wonderful.

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You seem to get better as each year passes.

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Oh, Rob, you know the right things to say.

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I'm thrilled by your career too

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and you're starting it in the way I would recommend to you.

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Quietly. Very quietly. LAUGHTER

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You talk about fans. With the work that I do here in the pub, I've got fans who come in.

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I mean, Denis, you know, he's a super-fan.

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Well, sometimes he's stalking me. I mean, he's in here every night.

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"I want more of the Dai, I want more of the Dai!"

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I said to him, "Calm down, Denis."

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Calm down. I said it again there.

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He's, uh... He's my sort of Charles Manson.

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We've got somebody very special here tonight, a VIP. We have Mr President. Where are you?

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-There you are. Hello, Kevin.

-Hello.

-Kevin Beresford. Tell everybody what you are the President of.

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I'm the President of the UK Roundabout Appreciation Society.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And your family? Does your wife like the roundabouts?

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She's left me, actually.

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All right, Kevin, hold it together.

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Did she say, "I'm fed up, we're just going round and round in circles?

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-"I mean, what do you want?"

-APPLAUSE

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How many members have you got?

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There's just me at the moment.

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That's not a society, Kevin.

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That's you!

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-What is your name?

-Barbara.

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-Hello, Barbara. Where are you from?

-I'm from Swindon.

-All right.

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-And what do you do...?

-CHEERING

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We all want to celebrate Swindon at every opportunity. What do you do?

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I'm a crime scene investigator.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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Bloody hell!

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CSI Swindon!

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That'd be a series, wouldn't it?

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And you also have an interesting hobby. What is it that you do?

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I enjoy metal detecting.

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-That most sociable of hobbies(!)

-That's right.

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So you go out. Have you got a little thing that goes "beep"?

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-LAUGHTER I've got a metal detector as well(!)

-Sorry.

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Let's... Let's stamp on this right away.

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Look at him laughing his head off down there!

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He looks like he's auditioning for a Beach Boys tribute act.

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I simply asked if you had a little thing that went "beep".

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I meant a detector.

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Are you one of those guys?

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No, I go forwards.

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LAUGHTER

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No, I was going forwards.

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-You were going backwards.

-Even by these idiots, that is forwards.

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You're looking, aren't you?

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-You're waiting for..."beep-beep".

-MAKES WHINING SOUND That's the one.

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You'd have a hell of a lot of it down here.

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With the plate in the skull, it would be going off!

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I don't mean that. I don't mean that.

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APPLAUSE

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How does your wife feel about the water under the bridge with you and Rob Brydon?

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My wife, God rest her soul,

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passed away...three years ago,

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come November.

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And, uh... I keep her.

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Bring her over. Bring her over, Sue.

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There she is.

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I keep her here in the bar.

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I'll be honest with you. There's only half of her in here.

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We scattered the other half in the Chilterns

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because she loved to ramble.

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So, I mean, let's be honest, we don't know which half we scattered.

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I'm hoping, fingers crossed, it was the lower half because she loved to ramble.

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I mean, if by some twist of fate, we scattered the top half of her,

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I shudder to think of her desperately trying to claw her way across the countryside.

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She still turns me on.

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I'm getting a bit now, looking at this. Look at the shape of the urn!

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Now, in this country, were you to work more in this country...

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-Which I hope to.

-Which you will.

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I want to see you in great British drama.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

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I see you coming to Walford...

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LAUGHTER

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You've come back to the Square.

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-Right.

-You are the long-lost, sensitive Mitchell brother.

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-Really?

-Yes, yes.

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Now, look...

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I can see that.

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-Let's give it a go.

-OK.

-We'll give it a little thing... We'll improv.

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I will be...

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-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-I'll be a bloke. My name is Lenny. Right?

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-I run a market stall in Walford. Right?

-What do you sell?

-What?

-What do you sell?

-What do you want?

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-I see.

-I'll get whatever you want.

-You get it to order, do you?

-Yeah.

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You are coming back. You are the mysterious...

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-What shall we call you? A sensitive Mitchell name - Larry.

-Larry?

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-Larry Mitchell. You've come back to the Square. I'm on my stall. OK?

-OK.

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I'm shuffling my plums.

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LAUGHTER

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They let you down, don't they?

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They let me down time and again.

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-It's like a Carry On film here sometimes.

-I know.

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You try and get my attention. You're the sensitive Mitchell.

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I know. I know what happens. When you come back into a soap...

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I was in it 15 years ago played by someone else.

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-Exactly.

-I was played by Nigel Havers.

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-Yes, yes.

-But am I still Cockney?

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Am I allowed to be? Gotta be a bit of that, ain't I?

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That's nice. I like that.

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-As you know, the Mitchells talk very quiet, don't they? They talk very, very quiet.

-That's very nice.

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I'll come in very, very quiet indeed.

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If I was in EastEnders, I'd go, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't hear a word of that."

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-So I'm shuffling my plums.

-All right.

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I'm going to say what people say in EastEnders when they've been away for 15 years.

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It's the last line of the episode. Turn round. This is what I'll say.

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Hello, treacle.

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LAUGHTER

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Doof-doof-doof... What do you reckon?

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I was gutted when I saw the Bill Bailey interview.

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One thing Rob and I did in the early days was a routine with the bells.

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He would sing a song, I would play the bells. It was our routine. I thought of it.

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Bill, it would be lovely... I'm a big Elvis fan. And I know what a muso you are.

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I thought it would be a lovely thing to sing an Elvis song now.

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-Now, I'm not sure that this is the perfect instrument to accompany it.

-I'll just embellish once you start.

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GENTLE GUITAR INTRO

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# Maybe I didn't love you... #

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Thank you.

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# Quite as good as I should have

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-RINGS BELL

-# Maybe I didn't hold you

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# Quite as often as I could have

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RINGS BELL

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# Little things I should have said and done

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-RINGS TWO BELLS

-# I just never took the time

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# You were always on my mind

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SHRILL RINGING

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# You were always on my mind...

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PLAYS TUNE WITH BELLS

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CHEERING

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# The little things I should have said and done

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# I just never took the time...

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SHRILL RINGING

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# You were always on my mind

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# You were always on...

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# My-y-y mi-i-ind... #

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PLAYS CLOSING NOTES WITH BELLS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Rob used to work with you.

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Is working with the likes of Will Young and Dame Edna a step up?

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It is a step up in as much as he has to carry a little step with him

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when he wants to be photographed with them because he's a dwarf. Not a word of a lie.

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These are the shoes he used to wear. Look - built-up shoes. Where's the self-respect in that? There's none.

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Why are you called Hurts? Cos it's Hurts as in "aaagh".

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We were very miserable for a time. Now we're not.

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You collaborated with Kylie on your album Happiness.

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Yeah? Big question for you.

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Taller or shorter than me?

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With or without heels?

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-I don't often wear heels.

-LAUGHTER

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-How tall then is Cruise?

-Tom Cruise?

-Yeah, how tall, how tall?

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-I'm six one, so...

-LAUGHTER

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-He's probably about...

-That's shorter than me!

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-Exactly.

-You just said...

-A lower voice than you.

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-I'm upset! So you're telling me that Cruise is there?

-Yeah.

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Wow! I picture him there.

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-So he's like this.

-Yeah.

-"Love your movie, man!"

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-That's right. Yeah, he is like that.

-"Oh, man, I'm stoked!"

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I'm really glad.

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-LAUGHTER

-"Yeah!" Is that what he's like?

-Yeah.

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You've got English guys out there. You're Irish.

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Is there room for a Welshman?

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LAUGHTER

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It's been great talking to you, Chris.

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-APPLAUSE

-Sorry, I mean, um... I could...

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-No, I could see it.

-If it worked for... Don't sound so exasperated!

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-I mean, Dudley Moore...

-Yeah.

-You know?

-Yes.

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Well, he was short.

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You've got a lot more against you than that.

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LAUGHTER

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It was all hushed up. Now when I see him on Would I Lie To You, I think,

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"Aye, you could and you did. In a court of law."

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Have you seen The Trip with Steve Coogan?

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Aye, I've seen The Trip.

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If you looked up "overrated" in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of The Trip.

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The publicity photo for it, a poster.

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What is it about? He's driving round with Alan Partridge.

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They go to a restaurant, they have a meal, they talk. That is it.

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I mean, Laughing Boy and me, we do that every day. Here's The Trip for you now.

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Hmm, that's nice.

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My name is Michael Caine.

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Come on, they got a BAFTA for that?

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Well, he didn't. Coogan did. Rightly so.

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-I saw the tape of your Mastermind performance.

-Oh, no.

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I thought some of those questions weren't tough enough. So I'm going to ask you a few more questions

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as we stage our own...Mastermind.

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MASTERMIND THEME MUSIC

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-Your name, please.

-Beverley Knight.

-Your specialist subject?

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-Prince.

-You have as much time as it takes to answer these three questions.

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In 1985, Prince did not have a hit with the song Merry Christmas, Everyone. Who did?

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LAUGHTER

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-Shakin' Stevens.

-Yes, it was Shakin' Stevens.

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Prince is famous for his duets... Please keep it together.

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Prince is famous for his duets, but he's never worked with Welsh songstress Bonnie Tyler,

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who duetted on 1987's A Rocking Good Way with whom?

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I ain't got a clue!

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-It was Shakin' Stevens.

-LAUGHTER

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Question three. Prince's music is squarely aimed at the ladies,

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yet he failed to record the romantic hit single My Pretty One, a 1987 chart smash for who?

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-Shakin' Stevens?

-No, Cliff Richard.

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-LAUGHTER

-Well done, Beverley Knight.

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Funny thing is I watch his show and the first thing I think is "budget".

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Does the show have a budget? Because it looks so cheap. Tacky is the word.

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I know the BBC are having to cut back, austerity measures, but you can take it too far.

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Where is the money going on that show? I'll tell you where. Pocketing it.

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Cos it ain't going on the set.

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You're a three-piece, OK? Lots of great three-pieces. The Jam.

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-Yeah.

-Police.

-Yes.

-Bananarama.

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LAUGHTER For the girls!

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But the big bands are four-pieces.

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The Beatles, you know? How would you feel about me joining The Script?

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I've been a little but presumptuous. I've done a little bit... See what you think of this.

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How about that?

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See that? Now there I am. That was my first idea, OK?

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-That's good.

-The Script. I'm just there, blending in.

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-Not pale enough.

-You've more hair than him.

-We don't talk about hair.

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So that's the first one. Then I thought, "You're better than that."

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So this is The Script... featuring Rob Brydon.

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LAUGHTER

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-I'm slightly pushed off to the side.

-You're not featuring quite so much.

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Then how about this one? Rob Brydon and Friends.

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LAUGHTER Very good.

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The musical brains was always me.

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# Ohh... #

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Let's say you don't like that. # Ohhhh... #

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You're still not happy? # Ohhhh.... #

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-You want a bit of a surprise?

-TINKLES KEYS

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-Now, Sophie, you did a lovely cover of Jolene.

-I did. It's such a lovely song. So sad.

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-We've both done Dolly covers.

-Yes. Dolly's one of the best songwriters.

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Would you give us a quick snatch of Dolly?

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LAUGHTER

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See, I expect it from them...

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But the daughter of a Blue Peter presenter, I expect better.

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Would you give us a snippet of Dolly?

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We are not at home to smut!

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LAUGHTER

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-I would love to sing Jolene for you.

-Thank you. Just a little.

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# Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

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# Jolene

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-# I'm begging of you please don't take my man... #

-Aww, that's lovely.

-Is that OK?

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-#

-Why are children always first to feel the pain and hurt the worst

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-#

-It's true but somehow it don't seem right

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# But every time I cry I know it hurts my little children so

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# I wonder will it be the same toni-i-i-ight

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# Don't cry, Daddy... # ABBA!

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# Daddy, please don't cry

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# Daddy, you've still got me and little Tommy

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-# Together we'll find a brand-new mommy

-Daddy, Daddy, please laugh again

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# Daddy, ride us on your back again

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# Oh, Daddy, please don't cry. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Frank Skinner!

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Pleasure as ever.

0:19:420:19:44

Rob, of course, loves to sing on the show. Do you think he's respected by his musical guests?

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Ron Wood and Mick Hucknall had nothing but contempt.

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I mean, there was a moment when he asked them what did they think of Neil Diamond.

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He used to bang on about Neil Diamond all the time.

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We had a cassette in the car and he'd be playing Sweet Caroline, Crackling Rosie,

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He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother, Love On the Rocks, Hello Again Hello,

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They're Coming To America on the boats and trains and planes,

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um, you know...

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Crackling Rosie, The Boat That I Row, I'm A Believer,

0:20:250:20:29

but I, I never had any time for Neil Diamond.

0:20:290:20:33

I probably couldn't even name one of his songs.

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-Do you like Neil Diamond?

-LAUGHTER

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There's some things I don't do!

0:20:400:20:43

-Mick, where do you stand on Neil Diamond?

-I Am I Said.

-Nice.

0:20:440:20:49

-#

-LA's fine The sun shines most of the time The feeling is laidback...

-#

0:20:490:20:55

LAUGHTER

0:20:550:20:57

Shut your face!

0:20:570:20:59

-You charmless git.

-Talk some more about Neil Diamond!

0:20:590:21:04

-LAUGHTER

-You don't like his early stuff?

0:21:040:21:09

-You don't, do you? OK. Em...

-LAUGHTER

0:21:090:21:13

-#

-My baby loves me Yes, yes, she does

0:21:130:21:17

-#

-Gonna show me tonight She got the way to move me, Cherry

0:21:170:21:22

-#

-She got the way to move me She got the way to groove me

0:21:220:21:26

-#

-She got the way to move me...

-#

-You know!

0:21:260:21:30

That was all right.

0:21:300:21:32

-DAI:

-You could see Ronnie wasn't comfortable. He wanted to get out as quick as he could.

0:21:320:21:38

-Can we talk for a minute about this?

-Yeah.

-Have you got that on camera?

0:21:380:21:43

-I would like to give it a mention.

-Your name is Young. Are you related to the singer Will Young?

0:21:430:21:49

I saw Will Young on the show with the woman, Edna Everage.

0:21:490:21:53

I thought, to be fair, she was very cruel to him.

0:21:530:21:58

And I don't think Rob made it any easier. He could have stood up for him. After all, he's a minority.

0:21:580:22:04

A minority?

0:22:040:22:06

-Oh, you mean he's gay?

-Yes.

0:22:060:22:09

It's all right, calm down. Not here.

0:22:110:22:14

When you say "she", you know Edna Everage is a man playing a woman?

0:22:150:22:19

I'm not having that.

0:22:240:22:26

-I'd come out at university...

-You what?

-I'd come out as gay... at university.

0:22:260:22:33

LAUGHTER

0:22:330:22:35

Yes?

0:22:470:22:49

Now, Dame Edna, there's a lovely song. Frank Sinatra made it famous.

0:22:490:22:55

-It's called Something Stupid. Do you know it?

-I remember it.

0:22:550:23:00

Why don't we make some musical magic right now with Something Stupid?

0:23:000:23:05

# I know I stand in line until you think you have the time

0:23:050:23:10

# To spend an evening with me... #

0:23:100:23:13

Oh, yes.

0:23:130:23:15

-#

-And if we go some place to dance

0:23:150:23:18

-#

-I know that there's a chance you won't be leaving with me

0:23:180:23:24

# And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two... #

0:23:260:23:33

-Not a gay bar, please.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:330:23:36

-#

-And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid

0:23:360:23:40

-#

-Like...I love you.

-#

0:23:400:23:44

Isn't it a lovely song?

0:23:440:23:47

-#

-I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lies you heard the night before

0:23:480:23:55

# And though it's just a line to you for me it's true

0:23:580:24:02

-# It never seemed so right before... #

-Lovely to hear the tune again!

0:24:020:24:08

# The time is right Your perfume fills my head

0:24:110:24:14

# The stars get red and, oh, the night gets blue... #

0:24:140:24:19

The stars get red?

0:24:190:24:20

#And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid

0:24:200:24:27

# Like I...

0:24:270:24:30

-#

-I lo-o-ove you!

0:24:300:24:34

# I love you!

0:24:360:24:40

# I love you-ou-ou! #

0:24:430:24:49

Ohhh.

0:24:520:24:53

What a joyous union!

0:24:530:24:56

What a joyous union.

0:24:560:24:59

That was my first threesome, as a matter of fact.

0:24:590:25:03

-It wasn't mine.

-No.

0:25:040:25:07

In all honesty,

0:25:090:25:11

I saw a life in entertainment.

0:25:110:25:14

It wasn't to be. I ended up running the pub. Rob's gone on with what he's done. Who's the winner?

0:25:140:25:20

I mean, you decide.

0:25:200:25:22

And with the new licensing hours, I'm laughing.

0:25:220:25:27

How long can he do a show for? Half an hour, tops. We're open all day.

0:25:270:25:32

-Where is Ricky Emery? Where are you?

-Over here.

-Ricky, what's your question for Bruce?

0:25:320:25:38

AS BRUCE: Everybody does Bruce. Did you get bored with it?

0:25:380:25:43

First of all, mate, I don't talk like that.

0:25:440:25:48

LAUGHTER

0:25:480:25:50

And if I did, I'd have an operation to get rid of it! Everybody thinks I talk like that!

0:25:500:25:56

-That "th-th-th-th".

-You do a bit!

0:25:590:26:02

-You do! "Th-th-th-th-th."

-I used to do it, but I've grown out of it!

0:26:020:26:08

-But no, I...no, I get a lot of fun out of watching people.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:080:26:15

-Dominic Fraser. Hi, Dominic.

-Hi.

-What's your question?

0:26:150:26:19

Nice easy question. You have three older sisters?

0:26:190:26:23

I do.

0:26:230:26:24

LAUGHTER

0:26:240:26:27

Have you kidnapped them? My next question is: would you like to see them alive again?

0:26:270:26:34

Did they used to play dressing up with you?

0:26:350:26:39

LAUGHTER

0:26:390:26:41

-There was some dress up, yeah,

-LAUGHTER

0:26:410:26:45

Dominic.

0:26:450:26:48

Why don't we have a little look at our audience? See if there's anybody here

0:26:480:26:54

-whose fashion sense catches your eye.

-There's a glamourpuss in the third row

0:26:540:27:01

-in a mustard colour.

-The blonde lady.

-Look at that blonde lady!

0:27:010:27:06

-What's your name?

-Sophie.

0:27:060:27:09

You remind me of myself, Sophie.

0:27:090:27:12

-Thank you.

-I used to make my own clothes.

0:27:120:27:16

Like you!

0:27:170:27:19

And like you, I failed.

0:27:230:27:26

I think maybe we should stop, Dame Edna, before you go too far.

0:27:280:27:31

-What do you think Rob Brydon would say...

-It's like Martin Bashir, this! What?

0:27:340:27:39

What do you think Rob Brydon would say if he walked in here now? What would you say?

0:27:390:27:46

Rob...

0:27:570:27:59

All right?

0:28:010:28:03

Dai.

0:28:040:28:06

Dai Young.

0:28:060:28:08

Hi.

0:28:090:28:10

Long ago.

0:28:100:28:12

Thanks, bruv.

0:28:130:28:15

Aw, cheers.

0:28:180:28:19

I know.

0:28:190:28:21

So long, then.

0:28:230:28:25

He come in by mistake.

0:28:250:28:27

Thank you. We're rocking the house.

0:28:300:28:33

-#

-Tender love is blind

0:28:330:28:36

-#

-It requires a dedication

0:28:360:28:39

-#

-All this love we feel needs no conversation

0:28:390:28:44

-#

-We ride it together, uh-huh Woo-hoo

0:28:440:28:48

-#

-One lover to another, uh-huh...

-#

-Stop it, you.

0:28:480:28:52

-#

-Islands in the stream that is what we are

0:28:520:28:57

-#

-No one in-between How can we be wrong...

-#

0:28:570:29:01

Use the Ladies. The Gents is locked.

0:29:010:29:04

-#

-To another world And we rely on each other Uh-huh...

-#

0:29:040:29:10

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