Episode 7 The Rob Brydon Show

MALE VOICE CHOIR SINGS "Land Of My Fathers"

'This is Dai Young.

'From 1988 to 1993, he and Rob Brydon were THE comedy duo

'in West Glamorgan and parts of Pembrokeshire.

'With Rob Brydon back on our screens in a brand-new series,

'Dai Young has agreed to give us an insider's view of his old partner.'

Young And Brydon was the...

Sorry. Young And Brydon was the name of the double act we had.

Musical comedy.

I was the... the driving force, really, with it.

And Rob was, uh...

I'd say "made up the numbers", that's a bit unfair, but he was the dead weight. You know?

-As an interviewer...

-He's still there. What?

-As an interviewer, how would you rate Rob Brydon?

-Recording. Ssh, ssh!

How would I rate him as an interviewer? Um...

He's poor.

-When you say soul, you think of American, Luther Vandross and...

-Yeah, of course, of course.

-I can't believe that when you think of soul, you think of Luther Vandross.

-You wouldn't think of him?

-Of all the greats, you could have had Aretha Franklin, you know.

-Yes, yes. Hang on a second, Bill.

-Hang on a second.

-Sorry.

-I suppose when you think of soul, you think of people like...

LAUGHTER

-Does the cushion move?

-Yeah, you can move it.

-But continuity...

-We don't worry about that.

-You don't?

-It's a lost cause. Some shots back at you, it'll be Martin Clunes.

They are a bit shoddy on this show, yeah.

Look at that.

An American star, Play Your Cards Right, Woody Allen is Bruce.

OK?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-I'm the leader of the pack.

I'm doing Woody Allen!

It was more like Lily Allen!

In Bridesmaids, you have a sex scene...

-That's not yours.

-OK.

-It's a sex scene.

-It's gin!

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

And a little bit of Jif. I find it...

It cleans the tubes as it goes down.

-I'm frightened of water, basically.

-Oh, you should get over that.

-OK, I will. Thank you very much!

-I mean...

-What's this? A phobia clinic?

Dame Edna, you look wonderful.

You seem to get better as each year passes.

Oh, Rob, you know the right things to say.

I'm thrilled by your career too

and you're starting it in the way I would recommend to you.

Quietly. Very quietly. LAUGHTER

You talk about fans. With the work that I do here in the pub, I've got fans who come in.

I mean, Denis, you know, he's a super-fan.

Well, sometimes he's stalking me. I mean, he's in here every night.

"I want more of the Dai, I want more of the Dai!"

I said to him, "Calm down, Denis."

Calm down. I said it again there.

He's, uh... He's my sort of Charles Manson.

We've got somebody very special here tonight, a VIP. We have Mr President. Where are you?

-There you are. Hello, Kevin.

-Hello.

-Kevin Beresford. Tell everybody what you are the President of.

I'm the President of the UK Roundabout Appreciation Society.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And your family? Does your wife like the roundabouts?

She's left me, actually.

All right, Kevin, hold it together.

Did she say, "I'm fed up, we're just going round and round in circles?

-"I mean, what do you want?"

-APPLAUSE

How many members have you got?

There's just me at the moment.

That's not a society, Kevin.

That's you!

-What is your name?

-Barbara.

-Hello, Barbara. Where are you from?

-I'm from Swindon.

-All right.

-And what do you do...?

-CHEERING

We all want to celebrate Swindon at every opportunity. What do you do?

I'm a crime scene investigator.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Bloody hell!

CSI Swindon!

That'd be a series, wouldn't it?

And you also have an interesting hobby. What is it that you do?

I enjoy metal detecting.

-That most sociable of hobbies(!)

-That's right.

So you go out. Have you got a little thing that goes "beep"?

-LAUGHTER I've got a metal detector as well(!)

-Sorry.

Let's... Let's stamp on this right away.

Look at him laughing his head off down there!

He looks like he's auditioning for a Beach Boys tribute act.

I simply asked if you had a little thing that went "beep".

I meant a detector.

Are you one of those guys?

No, I go forwards.

LAUGHTER

No, I was going forwards.

-You were going backwards.

-Even by these idiots, that is forwards.

You're looking, aren't you?

-You're waiting for..."beep-beep".

-MAKES WHINING SOUND That's the one.

You'd have a hell of a lot of it down here.

With the plate in the skull, it would be going off!

I don't mean that. I don't mean that.

APPLAUSE

How does your wife feel about the water under the bridge with you and Rob Brydon?

My wife, God rest her soul,

passed away...three years ago,

come November.

And, uh... I keep her.

Bring her over. Bring her over, Sue.

There she is.

I keep her here in the bar.

I'll be honest with you. There's only half of her in here.

We scattered the other half in the Chilterns

because she loved to ramble.

So, I mean, let's be honest, we don't know which half we scattered.

I'm hoping, fingers crossed, it was the lower half because she loved to ramble.

I mean, if by some twist of fate, we scattered the top half of her,

I shudder to think of her desperately trying to claw her way across the countryside.

She still turns me on.

I'm getting a bit now, looking at this. Look at the shape of the urn!

Now, in this country, were you to work more in this country...

-Which I hope to.

-Which you will.

I want to see you in great British drama.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I see you coming to Walford...

LAUGHTER

You've come back to the Square.

-Right.

-You are the long-lost, sensitive Mitchell brother.

-Really?

-Yes, yes.

Now, look...

I can see that.

-Let's give it a go.

-OK.

-We'll give it a little thing... We'll improv.

I will be...

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-I'll be a bloke. My name is Lenny. Right?

-I run a market stall in Walford. Right?

-What do you sell?

-What?

-What do you sell?

-What do you want?

-I see.

-I'll get whatever you want.

-You get it to order, do you?

-Yeah.

You are coming back. You are the mysterious...

-What shall we call you? A sensitive Mitchell name - Larry.

-Larry?

-Larry Mitchell. You've come back to the Square. I'm on my stall. OK?

-OK.

I'm shuffling my plums.

LAUGHTER

They let you down, don't they?

They let me down time and again.

-It's like a Carry On film here sometimes.

-I know.

You try and get my attention. You're the sensitive Mitchell.

I know. I know what happens. When you come back into a soap...

I was in it 15 years ago played by someone else.

-Exactly.

-I was played by Nigel Havers.

-Yes, yes.

-But am I still Cockney?

Am I allowed to be? Gotta be a bit of that, ain't I?

That's nice. I like that.

-As you know, the Mitchells talk very quiet, don't they? They talk very, very quiet.

-That's very nice.

I'll come in very, very quiet indeed.

If I was in EastEnders, I'd go, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't hear a word of that."

-So I'm shuffling my plums.

-All right.

I'm going to say what people say in EastEnders when they've been away for 15 years.

It's the last line of the episode. Turn round. This is what I'll say.

Hello, treacle.

LAUGHTER

Doof-doof-doof... What do you reckon?

I was gutted when I saw the Bill Bailey interview.

One thing Rob and I did in the early days was a routine with the bells.

He would sing a song, I would play the bells. It was our routine. I thought of it.

Bill, it would be lovely... I'm a big Elvis fan. And I know what a muso you are.

I thought it would be a lovely thing to sing an Elvis song now.

-Now, I'm not sure that this is the perfect instrument to accompany it.

-I'll just embellish once you start.

GENTLE GUITAR INTRO

# Maybe I didn't love you... #

Thank you.

# Quite as good as I should have

-RINGS BELL

-# Maybe I didn't hold you

# Quite as often as I could have

RINGS BELL

# Little things I should have said and done

-RINGS TWO BELLS

-# I just never took the time

# You were always on my mind

SHRILL RINGING

# You were always on my mind...

PLAYS TUNE WITH BELLS

CHEERING

# The little things I should have said and done

# I just never took the time...

SHRILL RINGING

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on...

# My-y-y mi-i-ind... #

PLAYS CLOSING NOTES WITH BELLS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rob used to work with you.

Is working with the likes of Will Young and Dame Edna a step up?

It is a step up in as much as he has to carry a little step with him

when he wants to be photographed with them because he's a dwarf. Not a word of a lie.

These are the shoes he used to wear. Look - built-up shoes. Where's the self-respect in that? There's none.

Why are you called Hurts? Cos it's Hurts as in "aaagh".

We were very miserable for a time. Now we're not.

You collaborated with Kylie on your album Happiness.

Yeah? Big question for you.

Taller or shorter than me?

With or without heels?

-I don't often wear heels.

-LAUGHTER

-How tall then is Cruise?

-Tom Cruise?

-Yeah, how tall, how tall?

-I'm six one, so...

-LAUGHTER

-He's probably about...

-That's shorter than me!

-Exactly.

-You just said...

-A lower voice than you.

-I'm upset! So you're telling me that Cruise is there?

-Yeah.

Wow! I picture him there.

-So he's like this.

-Yeah.

-"Love your movie, man!"

-That's right. Yeah, he is like that.

-"Oh, man, I'm stoked!"

I'm really glad.

-LAUGHTER

-"Yeah!" Is that what he's like?

-Yeah.

You've got English guys out there. You're Irish.

Is there room for a Welshman?

LAUGHTER

It's been great talking to you, Chris.

-APPLAUSE

-Sorry, I mean, um... I could...

-No, I could see it.

-If it worked for... Don't sound so exasperated!

-I mean, Dudley Moore...

-Yeah.

-You know?

-Yes.

Well, he was short.

You've got a lot more against you than that.

LAUGHTER

It was all hushed up. Now when I see him on Would I Lie To You, I think,

"Aye, you could and you did. In a court of law."

Have you seen The Trip with Steve Coogan?

Aye, I've seen The Trip.

If you looked up "overrated" in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of The Trip.

The publicity photo for it, a poster.

What is it about? He's driving round with Alan Partridge.

They go to a restaurant, they have a meal, they talk. That is it.

I mean, Laughing Boy and me, we do that every day. Here's The Trip for you now.

Hmm, that's nice.

My name is Michael Caine.

Come on, they got a BAFTA for that?

Well, he didn't. Coogan did. Rightly so.

-I saw the tape of your Mastermind performance.

-Oh, no.

I thought some of those questions weren't tough enough. So I'm going to ask you a few more questions

as we stage our own...Mastermind.

MASTERMIND THEME MUSIC

-Your name, please.

-Beverley Knight.

-Your specialist subject?

-Prince.

-You have as much time as it takes to answer these three questions.

In 1985, Prince did not have a hit with the song Merry Christmas, Everyone. Who did?

LAUGHTER

-Shakin' Stevens.

-Yes, it was Shakin' Stevens.

Prince is famous for his duets... Please keep it together.

Prince is famous for his duets, but he's never worked with Welsh songstress Bonnie Tyler,

who duetted on 1987's A Rocking Good Way with whom?

I ain't got a clue!

-It was Shakin' Stevens.

-LAUGHTER

Question three. Prince's music is squarely aimed at the ladies,

yet he failed to record the romantic hit single My Pretty One, a 1987 chart smash for who?

-Shakin' Stevens?

-No, Cliff Richard.

-LAUGHTER

-Well done, Beverley Knight.

Funny thing is I watch his show and the first thing I think is "budget".

Does the show have a budget? Because it looks so cheap. Tacky is the word.

I know the BBC are having to cut back, austerity measures, but you can take it too far.

Where is the money going on that show? I'll tell you where. Pocketing it.

Cos it ain't going on the set.

You're a three-piece, OK? Lots of great three-pieces. The Jam.

-Yeah.

-Police.

-Yes.

-Bananarama.

LAUGHTER For the girls!

But the big bands are four-pieces.

The Beatles, you know? How would you feel about me joining The Script?

I've been a little but presumptuous. I've done a little bit... See what you think of this.

How about that?

See that? Now there I am. That was my first idea, OK?

-That's good.

-The Script. I'm just there, blending in.

-Not pale enough.

-You've more hair than him.

-We don't talk about hair.

So that's the first one. Then I thought, "You're better than that."

So this is The Script... featuring Rob Brydon.

LAUGHTER

-I'm slightly pushed off to the side.

-You're not featuring quite so much.

Then how about this one? Rob Brydon and Friends.

LAUGHTER Very good.

The musical brains was always me.

# Ohh... #

Let's say you don't like that. # Ohhhh... #

You're still not happy? # Ohhhh.... #

-You want a bit of a surprise?

-TINKLES KEYS

-Now, Sophie, you did a lovely cover of Jolene.

-I did. It's such a lovely song. So sad.

-We've both done Dolly covers.

-Yes. Dolly's one of the best songwriters.

Would you give us a quick snatch of Dolly?

LAUGHTER

See, I expect it from them...

But the daughter of a Blue Peter presenter, I expect better.

Would you give us a snippet of Dolly?

We are not at home to smut!

LAUGHTER

-I would love to sing Jolene for you.

-Thank you. Just a little.

# Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

# Jolene

-# I'm begging of you please don't take my man... #

-Aww, that's lovely.

-Is that OK?

-#

-Why are children always first to feel the pain and hurt the worst

-#

-It's true but somehow it don't seem right

# But every time I cry I know it hurts my little children so

# I wonder will it be the same toni-i-i-ight

# Don't cry, Daddy... # ABBA!

# Daddy, please don't cry

# Daddy, you've still got me and little Tommy

-# Together we'll find a brand-new mommy

-Daddy, Daddy, please laugh again

# Daddy, ride us on your back again

# Oh, Daddy, please don't cry. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Frank Skinner!

Pleasure as ever.

Rob, of course, loves to sing on the show. Do you think he's respected by his musical guests?

Ron Wood and Mick Hucknall had nothing but contempt.

I mean, there was a moment when he asked them what did they think of Neil Diamond.

He used to bang on about Neil Diamond all the time.

We had a cassette in the car and he'd be playing Sweet Caroline, Crackling Rosie,

He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother, Love On the Rocks, Hello Again Hello,

They're Coming To America on the boats and trains and planes,

um, you know...

Crackling Rosie, The Boat That I Row, I'm A Believer,

but I, I never had any time for Neil Diamond.

I probably couldn't even name one of his songs.

-Do you like Neil Diamond?

-LAUGHTER

There's some things I don't do!

-Mick, where do you stand on Neil Diamond?

-I Am I Said.

-Nice.

-#

-LA's fine The sun shines most of the time The feeling is laidback...

-#

LAUGHTER

Shut your face!

-You charmless git.

-Talk some more about Neil Diamond!

-LAUGHTER

-You don't like his early stuff?

-You don't, do you? OK. Em...

-LAUGHTER

-#

-My baby loves me Yes, yes, she does

-#

-Gonna show me tonight She got the way to move me, Cherry

-#

-She got the way to move me She got the way to groove me

-#

-She got the way to move me...

-#

-You know!

That was all right.

-DAI:

-You could see Ronnie wasn't comfortable. He wanted to get out as quick as he could.

-Can we talk for a minute about this?

-Yeah.

-Have you got that on camera?

-I would like to give it a mention.

-Your name is Young. Are you related to the singer Will Young?

I saw Will Young on the show with the woman, Edna Everage.

I thought, to be fair, she was very cruel to him.

And I don't think Rob made it any easier. He could have stood up for him. After all, he's a minority.

A minority?

-Oh, you mean he's gay?

-Yes.

It's all right, calm down. Not here.

When you say "she", you know Edna Everage is a man playing a woman?

I'm not having that.

-I'd come out at university...

-You what?

-I'd come out as gay... at university.

LAUGHTER

Yes?

Now, Dame Edna, there's a lovely song. Frank Sinatra made it famous.

-It's called Something Stupid. Do you know it?

-I remember it.

Why don't we make some musical magic right now with Something Stupid?

# I know I stand in line until you think you have the time

# To spend an evening with me... #

Oh, yes.

-#

-And if we go some place to dance

-#

-I know that there's a chance you won't be leaving with me

# And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two... #

-Not a gay bar, please.

-LAUGHTER

-#

-And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid

-#

-Like...I love you.

-#

Isn't it a lovely song?

-#

-I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lies you heard the night before

# And though it's just a line to you for me it's true

-# It never seemed so right before... #

-Lovely to hear the tune again!

# The time is right Your perfume fills my head

# The stars get red and, oh, the night gets blue... #

The stars get red?

#And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid

# Like I...

-#

-I lo-o-ove you!

# I love you!

# I love you-ou-ou! #

Ohhh.

What a joyous union!

What a joyous union.

That was my first threesome, as a matter of fact.

-It wasn't mine.

-No.

In all honesty,

I saw a life in entertainment.

It wasn't to be. I ended up running the pub. Rob's gone on with what he's done. Who's the winner?

I mean, you decide.

And with the new licensing hours, I'm laughing.

How long can he do a show for? Half an hour, tops. We're open all day.

-Where is Ricky Emery? Where are you?

-Over here.

-Ricky, what's your question for Bruce?

AS BRUCE: Everybody does Bruce. Did you get bored with it?

First of all, mate, I don't talk like that.

LAUGHTER

And if I did, I'd have an operation to get rid of it! Everybody thinks I talk like that!

-That "th-th-th-th".

-You do a bit!

-You do! "Th-th-th-th-th."

-I used to do it, but I've grown out of it!

-But no, I...no, I get a lot of fun out of watching people.

-LAUGHTER

-Dominic Fraser. Hi, Dominic.

-Hi.

-What's your question?

Nice easy question. You have three older sisters?

I do.

LAUGHTER

Have you kidnapped them? My next question is: would you like to see them alive again?

Did they used to play dressing up with you?

LAUGHTER

-There was some dress up, yeah,

-LAUGHTER

Dominic.

Why don't we have a little look at our audience? See if there's anybody here

-whose fashion sense catches your eye.

-There's a glamourpuss in the third row

-in a mustard colour.

-The blonde lady.

-Look at that blonde lady!

-What's your name?

-Sophie.

You remind me of myself, Sophie.

-Thank you.

-I used to make my own clothes.

Like you!

And like you, I failed.

I think maybe we should stop, Dame Edna, before you go too far.

-What do you think Rob Brydon would say...

-It's like Martin Bashir, this! What?

What do you think Rob Brydon would say if he walked in here now? What would you say?

Rob...

All right?

Dai.

Dai Young.

Hi.

Long ago.

Thanks, bruv.

Aw, cheers.

I know.

So long, then.

He come in by mistake.

Thank you. We're rocking the house.

-#

-Tender love is blind

-#

-It requires a dedication

-#

-All this love we feel needs no conversation

-#

-We ride it together, uh-huh Woo-hoo

-#

-One lover to another, uh-huh...

-#

-Stop it, you.

-#

-Islands in the stream that is what we are

-#

-No one in-between How can we be wrong...

-#

Use the Ladies. The Gents is locked.

-#

-To another world And we rely on each other Uh-huh...

-#