Episode 1 The Rob Brydon Show

What a show we have tonight. Look! Michael McIntyre is on the show!

Alex James.

Oh, they've spelt my name wrong.

Somebody will kick themselves over that.

And we have Amy Macdonald.

Let's do it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello,

good evening.

Thank you so much.

What a lovely audience.

In our mix tonight,

someone who's travelled a long way to be here -

there's Barry!

Lives in Australia.

Barry, there are expressions in life,

when people are worried about something happening.

They say, "Don't worry. You're more likely to be struck by lightning.

"You're more likely to be bitten by a shark."

Barry...

LAUGHTER

..tell us the two things

that distinguish you from other people.

I've been hit by lightning and I've been bitten by a shark.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Which happened first?

-The shark.

-OK.

It's Australia - there are a lot of them.

Where were you?

-Swimming at St Kilda Beach.

-I guessed you were swimming.

LAUGHTER

-How old were you?

-About eight years old.

ALL: Aw!

This is sad. There you were swimming...

Yeah, swimming around, and next thing I know, something grabbed me by the leg,

and luckily there was a man standing fairly close to me...

He was trying to pull you away from the shark?

Imagine I'm the shark.

LAUGHTER

Imagine I'm the man.

LAUGHTER

Imagine I'm Barry.

LAUGHTER

I brought that vividly to life, didn't I?

LAUGHTER

How big was the shark?

I don't actually know, because...

How convenient(!)

Roughly. How big? That big?

Maybe a bit bigger.

LAUGHTER

So basically a domestic cat

having a stretch?

LAUGHTER

It had teeth.

Barry, if you're going to travel the world

on this story of being bitten by a shark,

I'd start lying about some of the details.

LAUGHTER

Tell us about the lightning. This better be better.

I was hiking up a mountain with a youth group.

A storm started to move over us.

We were almost at the top of the mountain,

and the lightning struck.

I couldn't move anything.

I was totally paralysed except for my eyes.

My right boot, the sole

was completely melted.

The big toe on my left boot

had a big hole in it and that was all smoking.

So, yeah - a quiet afternoon's stroll(!)

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, Barry. That walks all over the shark story.

LAUGHTER

You know what they say?

"Bad luck comes in threes."

Bitten by a shark,

struck by lightning -

welcome to The Rob Brydon Show!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Barry, ladies and gentlemen.

There is a dog lover,

but there's a special one. Sian, yes?

-Hi.

-Hi, Sian.

-Hello.

-You love your dogs, don't you?

-I do.

Tell me about Crufts - you had some success there?

Yeah, I've been quite lucky.

Not me, personally...

Not you. No, no - the dogs.

-My dogs, yeah.

-What have you got?

I've got Estrela Mountain Dogs,

a rare breed from Portugal.

let's see pictures of the dogs.

That's a Filofax.

Welcome to 1986!

LAUGHTER

Here's my mobile phone!

LAUGHTER

That's like a proper head shot.

-That's a beauty shot, isn't it?

-It is.

I'm surprised he hasn't signed that one.

LAUGHTER

What's that one called?

That's Jensen.

Let me guess - the next one is Button?

LAUGHTER

It's named after a car, actually.

-Jensen Interceptor.

-You've got it in one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it just me,

or is there a sizzling sexual chemistry?

LAUGHTER

It's lovely to have you with us. We wish you more success

at Crufts in the future.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, in a short while,

Alex James and the brilliant Amy Macdonald -

but first off, I am so thrilled

to have as the first guest on my new series,

the king of comedy, Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi! Good evening.

Very nice.

Michael McIntyre! It's summer, Michael.

It's a heck of a year. Jubilee, Olympics - we've had a fantastic time.

I've never felt more patriotic.

The Jubilee...

You OWNED the Jubilee!

-Now stop it.

-You OWNED the Jubilee!

-APPLAUSE

The whole show was dominated by you

and a slightly awkward Grace Jones.

# Slave to the rhythm! #

LAUGHTER

# Slave to the rhythm. #

Do you know what she said at the end?

Grace Jones finished, still hula-hooping, and went,

"Happy birthday, Queen!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievable.

I felt so sorry.

The Royal Family have played a part in your success,

because your big break was the Royal Variety Show.

That's right, yes.

You've met Prince Charles a few times. Do you know what shocked me?

-His hands.

-Yes.

-Huge hands.

-You're right.

The hands of a farmer.

LAUGHTER

-Hasn't he?

-He has big hands.

He's very funny - I should say that.

I did a gig recently

for his Prince's Trust,

and I was introducing him.

Which was relatively daunting.

I told this joke -

it's a story, really -

about when I'm on the phone to people now and sometimes

they ask your name,

when you pay a bill or something. They go, "Can I take your name, please?"

I'll go, "Michael McIntyre" and sometimes people go,

"THE?" and I like that.

In fact I embrace it, I hope for it.

Sometimes I introduce myself as - "Can I take your name, please?"

"MICHAEL MCINTYRE!"

LAUGHTER

I really hope to be recognised.

So I told this story

and then I told this story about when once I was paying my gas bill

and a woman said, "What's your name?"

I said, "It's Michael McIntyre" and she didn't care.

She went, "Is that M-AC or M-C?"

I said, "It's M-CINTYRE",

and she went, "Oh! Like the comedian!"

LAUGHTER

I got a bit smug and said, "Yes, exactly like the comedian," and she said,

"I don't find him funny, do you?"

LAUGHTER

So I told this story and some other jokes,

and then I introduce Prince Charles.

He comes up, very cool with his huge farmer hands,

and he says -

-PRINCE CHARLES VOICE:

-"I have to say it's quite intimidating

"having to follow THE Michael McIntyre.

"Thank God I'm THE Prince of Wales!"

LAUGHTER

That's pretty good. That's funny.

APPLAUSE

The guy's funny, all right?

Let's talk about your tour.

-Starts very soon.

-It's next week!

You're in these huge arenas.

I've presented some things in arenas,

but never really done an act in an arena. I'm scared of it,

because it's so big - you're so far from the audience.

Well, they are far back. You can't deny that.

I think there's a vertigo warning at the O2.

-That's steep, isn't it?

-You know you don't have the best seats

when you pick up your tickets and they give you a harness.

LAUGHTER

You're abseiling into your seat.

"I think these are our seats, darling. Come on in!"

Let's have a look at you

on stage.

This from the last tour, OK?

Here's Michael in action.

I hate it when you're driving behind somebody.

They're swerving.

The lights go green and they don't react.

You conclude, "There's an idiot in that car."

You start discussing it with other people in your car.

"Have you seen the idiot? Complete idiot."

And then you think, "Let's go past the idiot.

"Let's see what the idiot looks like."

It's very rare in life you can see a genuine idiot human.

You wait for your first opportunity

to overtake the idiot.

You can feel your neck muscles pulling.

"Idiot!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A whole car-full of people in unison.

Even babies in their car seats.

-BABY VOICE:

-"Idiot!"

APPLAUSE

-You've got children. Young children.

-Yes.

Do they understand what you do?

They know that I'm a comedian. Erm...

Cos I'm funny round the house(!)

-LAUGHTER

-Cos I told them.

LAUGHTER

They're an amazing age and they're so absorbent.

But I'm slightly concerned cos some of the things they absorb

aren't really worthwhile.

Like adverts. It annoys the hell out of me.

All these adverts on TV that we don't listen to,

because we know it's nonsense and propaganda,

it's going into my children's minds.

Lucas, the six-year-old, came up the other day,

and he said, "Daddy,

"have you accidentally been mis-sold PPI?"

LAUGHTER

I'm like, "What?"

My three-year-old, Oscar,

slipped on the kitchen floor.

I ran over to see if he was OK. He threatened to phone Injury Lawyers 4 U.

LAUGHTER

This is what's going on in my house.

He told me he was entitled to, "100% of the compensation."

LAUGHTER

"Do you mean 100% of the compensation?!" Sorry.

So the kids are getting to know what you do, and I was told

that they actually do an impression of you -

the whole skipping thing?

He did try that, it was very sweet.

It was basically about...

I did a joke, which ended up with this skip that I did.

Which I can do quickly now.

I'd love you to do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It was many years ago.

This is very embarrassing.

Skipping is a very easy mode of transport.

I don't know why, but running

is quite a heavy process, isn't it?

But skipping... You just fly!

APPLAUSE

My theory was that if you combine

the arms and the skip and then you just fly!

It's great.

APPLAUSE

Can I have a go? I'd love to try the skipping with you.

Just give me a basic lesson now in skipping.

It's not just skipping.

-You're propelling yourself.

-All right.

So start with the walk.

So, my normal walk.

LAUGHTER

That's how I walk!

Like that. OK?

Now you're saying the two together?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What if we skip together?

1, 2, 3...go!

APPLAUSE

That was wonderful. I loved that.

I loved that!

If we could just get the hop and the jump,

we could do the Olympics.

I loved that!

Tremendously embarrassing and tiring.

While I recover...

LAUGHTER

That is a lot more tiring than it looks.

LAUGHTER

Our next guest is a man of many talents. Please welcome

the lovely Alex James!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. have a seat.

Hiya.

I said you're a man of many talents. You do so many things.

I don't want to use that phrase "Renaissance man"

cos it's over used, but you're a Renaissance man.

HE LAUGHS

It's been a fantastic year for you - for your own personal ventures,

but what a year for Blur,

with the Brits and the Olympics.

People always want to know, "What does it feel like

"to play in front of 80,000 people?"

And I live on a farm.

I spend my days in the middle of a bunch of fields,

thinking quietly about cheese,

living a sort of monk's life.

It sounds like a lovely life.

Then, to just walk back into that -

the answer is, it feels amazing!

We know about the band, the cheese making.

You have a pilot's licence?

You do classical music,

you're a very stylish man. There's so much going on.

-Shucks, thanks.

-Do you have a hobby?

HE LAUGHS

As you know, I collect meteorites.

That's right.

Does anybody else collect meteorites?

-LAUGHTER

-It hasn't met with roars of recognition.

LAUGHTER

You brought a bag with you.

These don't grow on trees. Look at that.

That wouldn't be too much of a worry.

-What is it?

-That's a meteorite.

People have been killed by these things.

This one is very heavy.

It's made out of iron. There's two kinds of meteorite -

There's your iron ones and your stony ones.

I became interested in meteorites

when Blur were involved with the Beagle space mission.

The Mars probe that crash-landed.

I met the guy who owns the world's most famous meteorite. ALH...

Lex Luthor.

LAUGHTER

Do you remember? He was terrible. He got it from the planet Krypton.

I saw it, it was a documentary.

LAUGHTER

You must have seen that - round Superman's neck.

It was only Miss Teshmaker, d'you remember?

-Mis Tesh-MAKER!

-That's the one.

Not taking it seriously!

But..

LAUGHTER

..that particular meteorite is famous because it contains

what looked like bacteria.

-And if there's bacteria, there's life.

-Exactly.

And that came from Mars.

If you can find a Martian meteorite, they're incredibly valuable things.

I mean, they're all right...

I struggle to share your... Hello.

What about this?

This was discovered

by a friend of mine's mum.

LAUGHTER

This was like a Stone Age piece of cooking technology.

The worst time of day for getting hit by a meteorite is around mid-day...

-Why?

-..if you worry about it, statistically-speaking.

Is that right? I think you're more likely to be bitten by a shark, or struck...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And you've got your own thing coming up.

What are you doing with Jamie Oliver? This sounds very interesting.

Last year we did a sort of food and music

festival on the farm.

And we learnt a lot from that,

and Jamie has got on board this year.

We're doing a food and music "Feastival".

That's a nice name.

The big Feastival on the farm,

all round mine.

Jamie's organising the food,

-so it's pukka food.

-I want to come.

You're committed to the countryside, Alex.

To prove this, we have a photograph of you with two

simple country bumpkins.

Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER

-I have to say...

-Is that me and the most powerful man in the country?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Prime Minister?

LAUGHTER

To me, that picture looks like Cameron and Clarkson having a chat.

You're just wandering past.

You've gone, "Oh! Camera!"

LAUGHTER

Michael has dipped his toes in the country life, haven't you?

I did last year.

-How did you adapt to country life?

-Have you got an Aga?

It's as long as a nuclear submarine.

You've got a huge Aga?

This is an oven.

Posh people like them.

It's made for them to say, "Aga."

The thing that annoyed me, cos I was renting this house,

we were going up at the weekends,

it's on all the time.

-Yes.

-This oven never comes off?

You leave it on.

I've questioned posh people about this.

-The love it cos...

-POSH ACCENT:

-"It's the nucleus - it heats up the whole house."

It does in the winter. In the summer, children are melting. I'm not joking.

People wander round going, "We had six. Two got Aga'd." Seriously.

It's boiling, and you can't cook in it.

It's about 10,000 degrees. If you want to cook a chicken,

you have to get a frozen chicken, and run through the kitchen.

LAUGHTER

If you have one, this is reality.

LAUGHTER

How many children have you got?

-Five children.

-I've got five.

-Have you?!

-How many have you got, Michael?

Six(!)

LAUGHTER

You have two, don't you?

I have two children.

I don't know about you, Alex. I consider people who have two children to almost be childless.

LAUGHTER

Your kids have got fantastic names.

Geronimo, Artie, Gally, Song 2, and Beetlebum.

No, just kidding!

That wasn't far off, though, was it?

I'll tell you. Geronimo, then you have twins, OK?

Artemis and Galileo, yeah.

And daughters?

Sable and Beatrix.

Round of applause.

APPLAUSE

I love how bold are they.

You know what names annoy me?

Names that are the same, but spelt differently,

-for no reason.

-Oh, yes.

Stuart with a UA is pronounced... listen for it.

Stewart with a W...

.."Stuart".

It just gives people an annoying life. It's not like it's, "What's your name?" "Stoo-art".

-LAUGHTER

-"And you?" "Stoo-wart".

LAUGHTER

"Is this your wife?" "Sarah-hah..."

LAUGHTER

Well, our next guest's name

can't compete with any of those lovely ones we've heard,

but her album is one of the biggest hits of the summer.

All the way from Scotland, it's Amy Macdonald!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have a seat - there's Alex and Michael.

-Hi.

-Welcome, Amy.

-Hello.

Listen, straight away,

congratulations on the album.

It's doing great things for you.

One of the many things I love about you is

you sing in your normal voice.

Yes.

So many singers - Adele.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-She talks like that.

Then she'll go... BLUES STYLE: "Oh baby, burn down the rain!"

What happened to that other girl?

You don't do that.

It's not a conscious thing, though.

I just open my mouth and that's what comes out.

-Can I just say, you have a spectacular voice.

-Oh, thank you!

Amazing.

You're saying it as though I'm implying she doesn't!

"Can I just say before Rob goes on one of his rants,

"I think you've got a lovely voice."

-You've a gorgeous voice.

-Thank you.

You don't like her voice, Alex?

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Just very non-committal, I thought.

Everybody noticed it.

He loves the voice, I love the voice, you....

LAUGHTER

You have your guitar with you.

-We both love a bit of Bruce. Yes?

-Yes, we do.

Not Forsyth, although...

-Bruce Springsteen.

-Yes.

I went to see him. You were on the same bill.

Same line-up as he was.

I know you can do Dancing in the Dark.

Would you give us an acoustic version? What d'you think - yes?

APPLAUSE

All right.

# I get up in the evening. #

Sorry.

When I hear it, I can't stop myself. Sorry!

Take two.

Sorry, Amy. Give it your all.

# I get up in... #

I'm doing it again!

Literally, if I hear that, I have to come in!

# I get up in the evening

# And I ain't got nothing to say

# Come home in the morning

# I go to bed feeling the same way

# I ain't nothing but tired

# Man, I'm just tired and bored with myself

# Hey there, baby

# I could use just a little help

# You can't start a fire

# You can't start a fire without a spark

# This gun's for hire

# Even if we're just dancing in the dark. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was lovely. Thank you very much, Amy.

Let's throw this open now to the audience.

I know we have some questions.

Where is Richard Cole sitting?

Oh, he's just there.

-Who's your question for?

-Question to Michael, if I may.

Do people ever come up and do impressions

of you to you?

That's happened. That's annoying, isn't it?

Yes, people have done it.

You don't really know what you sound like.

It's like when you're a kid and hear yourself on an answer phone - you're like, "Is that me?"

You sound different in your head.

You sometimes think you sound...

-Which explains Rob's singing.

-LAUGHTER

You're not hearing what we hear - that's all I'm saying.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It does annoy you.

People come up to me and go, "Hello. Michael McIntyre".

-I'm going...

-SAME VOICE:

-"You don't even sound like me!"

And they go, "I sound exactly like you!"

And I go, "You sound nothing like me!"

"I don't even do that!" "You're doing it now!"

Thank you very much for that question. Kyrie Geach is here.

Now, this is not so much a question, it's a request.

It's a request for all of you, really.

Basically, me and my friends are into extreme planking.

OK, stop there. Now, extreme planking is that thing...

It's where you lie down in the most ridiculous place you can find and get a photo taken.

And I'd love it if yous would all plank with us, and take a photo.

Come up. She's going to plank. Up you come, dearie.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Welcome. Now, I'll take the shot for you.

-I have to lie...

-It's all right.

-Is that OK?

-Michael, hands up, Michael. Hands up.

-Steady on!

-All right, ready?

-Three, two, one.

-Cheese!

-We got it!

INAUDIBLE

Oh, my goodness!

-For you, this is...

-Just like the old days.

This is just like the old days. Right, fine.

Oh, my goodness!

Kyrie, thank you very much. Oh, lovely.

Now, where is Terry... Look at this name. Terry Stride.

I'm going to guess Terry Stride is going to be a cockney geezer.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Where are you, Terry?

-I'm here. I'm a southern lad, actually, thank you.

-LAUGHTER

-There's no need to be aggressive, Terry.

-What's your question? Is it for everyone, or...?

-It's for Alex.

-For Alex.

-Oh, hello!

-What's the most rock'n'roll thing you've ever done?

I did once, on my birthday, throw a television out of a window,

just to see what would happen.

-I think we know what will happen, don't we?

-You'd be surprised.

What, it bounced back up and you caught it?

Um, but they were very good about it. I said I'd clear it up, and...

And, um, I told them that there was nobody coming,

I'd checked that there was nobody coming, and...

That's not very rock'n'roll then, is it?

What about everyone else? Amy, you're in the rock'n'roll world.

What's the most extreme thing you've done?

-I'm not very rock'n'roll at all.

-You're not?

-I'm like, early bed, pyjamas.

-Michael?

-What?

-I'm not in a rock'n'roll band.

-You go on tour.

-Yeah, I do.

You stay in hotels, there are televisions in the room.

And I watch them.

I was checking into this hotel,

and there was this foreign lady on the reception.

Classic questions, you know, I'm checking in.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-She's just going to take a swipe of your credit card.

I'm like, OK, give her the card.

She said, "Would you like newspaper in the morning, wake-up call?"

I was like, "No, thanks." And then she was asking me how many,

you know those key cards they give you.

She asked me how many I wanted. And it was only me staying.

-So she said,

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"Do you want wankey?"

And I... I was stunned.

I was like, "Sorry?!"

And she just looked at me right in the eyes, she went, "Do you want wankey?"

Sorry, is that WITH the wake-up call or...?

That's pretty rock'n'roll. OK, that's pretty rock'n'roll.

-Now, Amy, you're going to go and sing for us.

-Yes.

To round off the show, so if you'd like to go and just get ready,

and, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it one more time please

for our fantastic guests, Michael McIntyre and Alex James.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And now, with her brand-new single, Pride, it's Amy McDonald.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I never felt like this before

# Try to hold it back and I feel it even more

# Sweat drips down my spine and my knees are weak

# I cannot move I cannot speak

# But then you came and I held it together again

# I managed to stumble through

# Fifty thousand voices singing in the rain

# There's nothing that I wouldn't do

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# I never knew how proud I would feel

# Just standing in the rain

# These three words mean everything to me

# And I'll sing them again and again

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Well, the blue and the white of the flag shines bright

# And it's blowing there for me

# With my hand on my heart

# The honest truth There's nowhere I'd rather be

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me

# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to

# I'd swim the seven seas

# I'll be the one to hold your torch again

# I'll do anything you ask of me. #

Fantastic! Really great.

Amy MacDonald!

Good night, everybody.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd