Episode 2 The Rob Brydon Show

What a show tonight. Look at this. National treasure - Barbara Windsor.

Gastronomic trailblazer - Heston Blumenthal.

And how harmonious can they get? The Overtones. Let's do it.

CHEERING

Thank you very much. Hello.

This programme contains some strong language.

Welcome. Thank you.

There's a man here.

-Over there. Grey sweatshirt. What does that say?

-I'm with Boomer.

-I'm with Boomer?

-Yes.

-Well, good for you.

What is... It's a dog? Boomer is a dog?

Boomer is the Port Vale mascot in Stoke-on-Trent there,

and we go on to the pitch and entertain people at weekends

at all the football matches, charity do's, anything like that.

Sir, if you could just come out of your shell

and find some confidence(!)

All right. So, Boomer is a mascot...

-Yeah.

-..for Port Vale?

So, this chap joining in is with you, I hope.

This is Boomer the dog. He dresses up on a Saturday.

Oh, I see, sorry. So, you... What's your name, sir?

I'm Boomer's dad, Gavin's dad.

-You're his dad. And he is Boomer when he is the mascot?

-Yes.

So Gavin dresses up on a Saturday as a mascot at Port Vale?

-Don't we all?

-No.

How long have you done this, Gav?

-I've done it for about 17 years, now.

-Fantastic.

-A long time.

-Yeah.

What does Boomer do? Cos, I'll be honest, I'm not a massive fan of the mascots.

Sometimes I wonder, I don't know if anybody else does,

what's the bloody point?

So, what does Boomer do?

Well, he goes out onto the pitch, goes to the away fans,

gives them a lot of gyp and cocks his leg up on the goalpost.

And you've been... And you've been doing this for 17 years?

Yes.

What does your wife think of it?

I'm not married.

What a surprise.

All right, speaking of animals, there is a gentleman...

-Bring the lights up over here. What is your name, sir?

-It's Pete.

I do know something about you.

-You have a spidery connection, don't you?

-I do.

-Yes.

-I'm the chairman of the British Tarantula Society.

-Wow.

So, you collect spiders? You have spiders?

-I certainly do, yes.

-How many?

-About 80, or so.

And there is the equivalent, there is Crufts for spiders, is that right?

You're absolutely right, yes.

What an incredible thought.

So, are you trotting alongside?

Is there a spider on a lead who is going...

..desperately trying to keep up?

Not quite.

People from, not just all over the country, all over Europe,

from the Far East, some people come from America

and they bring their best, nicest tarantulas for us to decide

which ones are the best in certain categories and then best in show.

Is that your lovely wife?

It is indeed.

You weren't into this until you'd met your husband?

I was arachnophobic.

-You're not serious?

-I was.

Arachnophobic. If there is anyone here, you know, who's a bit thick,

that's people who are terrified of spiders.

Tell us about your honeymoon cos that was a bit special.

Not in great detail, just...

LAUGHTER

..the spider aspect of the honeymoon.

We went on honeymoon to the jungles of Borneo

to look for tarantulas and snakes.

Did you find any?

We were out for about three hours looking for them

and we found absolutely nothing, in terms of tarantulas.

We got back to our lodge, a little bit dejected.

Oh, I can see where this is going, can't you?

-Connie disappears into the shower.

-Oh, God.

Just as I walk into the room, there's a nice, big tarantula sitting on the floor.

-No!

-Bonus.

I knew you were pleased to see it, but not that happy.

Sorry, bonus, sorry.

Lovely to have you here. Thank you very much. Give them a round of applause.

Now then, in just a moment

we will be welcoming Heston Blumenthal and The Overtones,

but, first of all, I am delighted to have here

one of the most beloved actresses Britain has ever known.

Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Windsor.

CHEERING

Hello.

Have a seat.

Barbara Windsor.

Oh, I like that.

What a lovely welcome.

The public are fantastic, you know? It really, really is.

I've been talking backstage, because they keep coming up and saying, "Do you want to sit down?"

I said, "No. I'm in my costume."

Because, I come from an era where they were really tough, really tough.

And the one thing they did say when I was 13 and went into the business...

-I'm going back, this was the war years.

-Which war was this?

Oh, don't...

I couldn't resist, Barbara, I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.

Of course, of course not. World War II.

And we were all lined up, us little girls and they said,

"Now, if you've decided to come into this business, remember,

"when you set foot outside the door you are Barbara Windsor

"and the public are your audience

"and if they want to talk to you, they want your autograph,

"you never say, 'No.' You've always got a smile on your face."

And I've kept with that, you see.

But the business has changed in that way, hasn't it?

-Oh, God, yes.

-That attitude of once you're out the front door... That's a lovely story. ..you're on show.

I mean, June Brown, lovely Dot Cotton, always says I should give a masterclass in how to behave.

-Punctuality's important to you, isn't it?

-Are you joking? I was here so early.

She was here yesterday morning.

Yeah, early, got to be early.

If you were late once, you got a ticking off. The second time you got a fine and the third time, out.

So, how do you find then, when you work on something like EastEnders,

high turnover of actors, a lot of young actors and actresses?

-Very difficult.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Because the discipline isn't there?

-No, it isn't there any more.

But it's not their fault, darling. It starts at the top, doesn't it?

It isn't their fault.

If they are not taught it and they are not told,

and also, a lot of them haven't had to work their way up.

It comes a lot easier, that stardom, doesn't it, to what it used to?

When you were in EastEnders,

would you take on the matriarchal role?

-Yes.

-Would you ever tell somebody off?

-Yes.

-Really? Who did you tell off?

LAUGHTER

It's only me and them, don't worry.

Anybody who was late or anybody who was talking on the set.

And telephones! Ugh!

-It's a generational thing, isn't it?

-It is a generation thing.

Was the first stuff your work with Joan Littlewood?

I'd been in the business quite some time before...when I met Joan.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah, yeah.

I did several West End shows and I sang with the Ronnie Scott Band.

And lots of bits and pieces

and then Joan Littlewood came along into my life.

For people who don't know, Joan Littlewood was very experimental.

Experimental, yes.

She used improvisation in her work?

A lot of improvisation. Well, I wasn't used to that.

What happened with Joan is I suddenly got this call

to go to the Wyndham's Theatre to meet this Joan Littlewood

who I was told was the hot, new director.

They said, "You've come for the part of Rosie?" I said, "Yes."

"She's an Irish prostitute."

And I said, "I don't want to play Irish, I'm not very good at Irish."

So, she said, "Well, what about...

"You work in the West End, you must see prostitutes.

"Walk up and down and show me what the prostitutes are doing." You see?

I don't know why, I didn't care, I didn't want to...

so I walked up and down saying,

"Yeah, all right then."

I says, "Short time, mister?

"Five bob a wank."

LAUGHTER

"Ten bob a plate."

That's not what... Those days, a plate was...

-What do you call it now?

-I've no idea.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

What do you mean?

When you go down.

What? Go on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I'm getting old.

Christ almighty.

Well, a blow job.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

That's old age talking.

That's when it was called a wank, wasn't it?

-A plate.

-A plate! A plate and a wank.

It's important to get these terms right.

So, anyway, I walked up and down saying this and I got all this laughter, like the audience tonight,

then, suddenly, she said, "Can you sing?"

I said, "Oh, yes. I've been in West End musicals, you know?

"I've sang with Ronnie Scott." So she said, "All right, sing."

I went over to the pianist and there was no pianist, there was a piano but no pianist.

I said, "Where's the pianist?" She said, "If you're such a bloody fucking good singer..." Sorry.

He knows Joan. You knew of Joan's reputation.

Every other word was F and C-U-whatshername

but I can't say that, you know, I won't.

You've said everything else, to be fair.

To cut a long story short, we didn't get on well,

we had a terrible row and she told me to F off back to the West End.

You're more of an all-rounder than, I think, today's audience realises.

No, they think, and I'm very proud... Two great British institutions,

Carry On and EastEnders.

I knew nothing about your friendship with Amy Winehouse.

-Oh, yes.

-Tell me about that.

Well, she was very friendly, the whole family,

the Winehouse family are all friendly with my husband's family.

When she used to go into hospital,

the back of it comes out to my mews and that's where I live, you see?

So, she used to come in and used to chitchat.

Then we wouldn't see her for a few months then she'd come back again and all the rest of it.

But the great thing was, she always used to read...

There was always an EastEnders script there, you see and, of course, she loved it.

She'd say, "Oh, look..." But she always wanted to play Peggy

and I'll never forget, we got the scenes in where Pam and I,

Pat, who played Pat, were having one of our, "Yeah, and you..."

And all the rest of it, and we did that, we used to do that.

-With Amy Winehouse playing Peggy?

-She always wanted to play Peggy.

-And you playing Pat?

And I had to play Pat.

Great sense of humour, very funny and a wonderful talent.

I mean, the most amazing talent.

Do you, Barbara Windsor, do you like to cook?

No, I can't cook at all.

Well, you needn't worry

because my next guest will solve all those problems.

He is superb. He's one of Britain's greatest chefs who seems to go from strength to strength.

Please give a big welcome to Heston Blumenthal.

CHEERING

Good to see you.

Lovely to see you, darling.

I want to talk to you about where I think you overlap with Barbara,

which is your work ethic, cos your story is fascinating.

Cos you had no formal training as a chef, did you?

No, my first paid job as a chef was opening the Duck in '95.

Cos when people think of you, they think, "Fat Duck."

LAUGHTER

No, not like that.

That's the restaurant with the famously,

I mean, incredibly creative dishes, yeah?

Yeah, that, when it started, it was 1995,

myself and a pot-washer, two people front of house.

My ambition was to open, it was an old converted pub, a bistro.

Steak and chips, that sort of thing,

done really well and maybe one day in my life, I get a Michelin star. That was it.

Was it hard? Was it an instant hit?

I was working, for the first six years, I probably worked 120 hours a week.

-For the first six years?

-Six years, yes.

That should be inspiring to people.

When people see someone like Heston on the television,

who is a massive success, I don't think people think,

it's like you were saying, about people coming through in EastEnders like, "Ba-doom."

Yes, it is, yeah.

That's a slog that would have defeated a lot of people.

It was so hard, I mean, I nearly went bankrupt in 2004. So that's nine years after that.

To all intents and purposes, you've got great ratings in all the guides but I was...

I've never been driven by money. I just wanted to cook.

And that drive...

The first few months,

I'd reached levels of exhaustion that I never knew possible.

I did things like, I remember filleting a side of cod one afternoon.

I'd just done like this...

And I'd fallen asleep while I was filleting this fish.

And then, I needed to light the blowtorch to glaze a lemon tart

and I'd probably had, I think I'd gone two days almost without sleep.

And I got the blowtorch, I turned the gas on, so it's, "Shhh..."

And then, I thought, I went over to the tap...

..and I turned on the hot tap.

In my head, I thought,

"You can't possibly light a blowtorch with cold water."

LAUGHTER

We've got a fair bit in common

because you've worked really hard at your cooking for years and years

and I, earlier this year, I went on a one-day barbecuing course.

-Did you?

-Yes, I did.

And, I'll tell you, there's nothing I don't know about barbecuing.

Now, what, Heston Blumenthal, what is the secret of good barbecuing?

There's a few things...

No, no, no. There is one thing.

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

What's the secret of good barbecuing?

Firstly, you have...

Firstly, notice that?

Most people are impatient.

They don't allow the coals to burn down enough.

Well, if we are going to waste time, all right, buy a barbecue.

I mean, how far back do you want to go?

I'm assuming a level of competence, Heston. We have lit the damn thing.

We are cooking. What's the most important thing about barbecuing?

Oh, gosh. Ain't he a bugger, ain't he?

Do you know what? Do you know what?

A minute ago, she was delighted to be on the show.

-I'm like that.

-I can't wait to hear this.

Well you're going to say first.

What's the secret of good barbecuing?

Well, don't burn the food and just cook it nicely.

You're wasting my time.

It's keeping the lid down.

LAUGHTER

Shut your face.

-No, you are absolutely right.

-She is not right.

-Yes, she is.

-No, she is not.

-Yes, she is.

You have to keep the lid down.

And people don't do that

because they see the traditional image of barbecuing,

some bloke like you, he's at the barbecue, he's turning things, that's not the way.

-That's how I would do it.

-Well, stop.

The lid, if you keep the lid on, Heston... Why won't you listen?

If you keep the lid on... And here's another thing,

don't lift the lid up. Don't keep checking every two minutes

cos every time you lift up that lid, how much cooking time do you lose?

I'll tell you - ten minutes.

LAUGHTER

And do you know, Barbara? Do you know, Barbara? I'll ignore him.

You know, Barbara...

Ten minutes? If you have a piece of fish that thick

or you have a joint of beef this big

and you lift the lid off, you don't...

Ten minutes cooking time on a piece of fish that big... It doesn't...

I think you'll find you do, actually, Heston.

-Have you been on a one-day barbecuing course?

-No, I haven't.

-OK...

I want to know what barbecuing course you went on.

Well, I can't say, it would be endorsing them.

But their barbecues have lids.

-That's true. That's true.

-APPLAUSE

Well done, well done.

Now, look. You're known for outrageous dishes, putting things together,

combinations we wouldn't expect. Here's a game we'll play.

We're going to call it Meal Or No Meal.

LAUGHTER

-I am going to tell you, Barbara...

-Yes, go on.

..some outrageous-sounding dishes, right?

And you have to say if it's a meal or no meal.

If it's a genuine Heston dish

-or some ridiculous thing we've concocted.

-OK, fine.

OK, and then Heston, cos he should know,

he will tell us whether you're right.

So, let's play Meal Or No Meal.

Lick-able sausage wallpaper.

al or no meal?

Lick-able sausage wallpaper.

-No meal.

-No meal. You say, no meal.

As any reasonable person would.

I'm off.

-LAUGHTER

-Audience, what do you think?

ALL: Meal.

-Meal or no meal?

-Meal.

Wallpaper?

It was for a TV show we did and it was the Willy Wonka thing

-so we did lick-able wallpaper.

-Oh, right.

All right, so that was a real one. That was a real one.

Here we go, number two.

Calf brain custard.

I'll say yes.

You'll say yes!

All right, audience, meal or no meal?

INDISTICNT REPLY

Could you elect a leader?

Who says no?

Who says yes?

That's a yes.

-Heston, meal or no meal?

-Meal.

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

I'm going to move onto the next one because this one sounds lovely.

Pig nipple scratching.

Did we have those in The Vic? I don't know.

Oh, he's so outrageous. I'm going to say yes.

-You say yes.

-I like that idea.

-Audience?

-ALL:

-No.

Barbara says yes. Audience says no. Heston?

Yes.

-Yes.

-Did it get on the menu?

It was old Roman recipes.

The idea that Romans... If you ate body parts,

it would somehow help your own body parts.

They were a very strange lot, back in those days.

Right, would both of you stay there, please?

Because I would like you to meet my final guests,

whose voices go together like fish and chips

or, as you'd say, Heston, like halibut and fruitcake.

The Overtones.

CHEERING

Hey, guys, welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. And welcome.

The Overtones.

Sit yourself down. Oh, it's like Noel's House Party here, some weeks.

Now, wrong to call you a boy band?

-A man band?

-A man band.

To be honest, girl band, people can call us what they want

-as long as they hear our music.

-Not girl band.

-No?

-Not girl band.

-Not girl band.

-What's that accent I'm picking up on?

-Bristol.

You're from Bristol. I don't think it deserves a round of applause.

For those that haven't heard you before, doo-wop?

Is that a good umbrella to put over, doo-wop?

Yeah. We are a vocal harmony group.

I guess we have a structure of the groups from the days of yesteryear

from a deep bass to a high falsetto.

It is early R&B so, there is lots of rhythm and blues and, you know...

This is like a journey round the British Isles.

We've got Australia. We've got Bristol. We got Ireland.

-Now, what's going on here?

-I'm the Northerner, from Manchester.

All right, all right. Aye, all right.

I'm scared to speak cos I know what's coming. I'm Essex.

CHEERING

You're going to go and sing for us in a second, OK.

Before you do that, I thought it'd be sweet, as Barbara is the only lady with us tonight,

if you would sing a little something to her.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Now you're talking.

Heston, what I'd like for you is to kind of butt out of this, if you don't mind?

LAUGHTER

OK, guys, whenever you're ready. Barbara, this is from me to you.

# Have I told you lately that I love you?

# Love you, love you

# Could I tell you once again somehow?

# How-ow-ow-ow

# Have I told with all my heart and soul

# Soul

-# How I adore you

-Adore you

-# Well, Barbara

-Barbara

# I'm telling you now... #

SHE SCREAMS

# My heart would break in two if I should lose you

# I'm no good

-# I'm no good

-Without you anyhow

# I'm no good without you

# Have I told you lately that I love you? #

This is not for you.

# Well, Barbara I'm telling you now

# Telling you now

# Barbara, I'm telling you now

# Telling you now. #

APPLAUSE

-That was fantastic. Thank you, guys.

-Well done, that was lovely.

Let's take some questions from the audience.

Lois Adcock.

Hello.

Adcock could be one of your recipes, couldn't it?

What do you mean, could?

-Probably is, yes. Hello, Lois.

-Hello.

-Hello there. Who is your question for?

-My question is for Barbara.

Will you ever go back to EastEnders?

I know you should never say never.

I don't know at this point. I'm happy, you know, just going along.

I love the show, I still watch it

but I think they're doing quite well without me.

-No, they're not.

-Sadly.

-Well, we'll see. You must never say never.

-Oh, good.

But, Lois, you'd like her back, would you?

Yes, definitely, definitely, definitely.

I'm a big Peggy Mitchell fan.

Who else would like to see Barbara back in EastEnders?

CHEERING

Where is Pat Wilson?

-Hello, Rob.

-Hello, Pat, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

You're a jolly lady. The medication has kicked in.

-Who's your question to?

-It's a question for everyone.

What would be your last meal?

Oh, there's a cheery one(!) Right. We've all been condemned to death.

We'll start with The Overtones.

-It would be my grandmother's recipe for Irish stew.

-Nice.

-Mum's roast lamb.

-Lovely.

-Pie and mash.

I make a good macaroni cheese, that's probably going to be...

He doesn't. He makes a really crap macaroni cheese.

-I'll go for steak and chips.

-Well, you're in Essex, why not?

Exactly.

Your last meal, Heston?

This will be a cop out answer

because I think it depends what mood you're in.

Sometimes...

You're going to be pretty depressed, I'm guessing.

LAUGHTER

You're certainly not looking to a bright future.

What sort of mood do you think you're going to be in?

All right, all right. Prawn cocktail.

-That's what you wanted, wasn't it?

-Prawn cocktail?

Barbara, your last meal?

Yeah, I'm going to share my last meal with you

and have pie and mash.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-Karen Chamberlain.

-Oh, that's me.

-Oh, that's you. Well done.

We can't fault you there, Karen. Well done.

When it comes to knowing who you are, you get 100%.

Now, Karen, who is your question for?

-Barbara, please.

-Yes, darling?

-Hello, Barbara. I'm a huge fan of you and EastEnders.

-Thank you.

And it would be an absolute honour for you to tell me

to, "Get out my pub!"

-In a Peggy Mitchell style.

-Can you do that?

-Well, I haven't done it...

-I'm out of practice but I'll have a go.

-She'll have a go.

CHEERING

All right, this is exciting.

Hello, darling.

I think, if you stand about there.

I'll stand here, shall I?

Now then, Barbara, you may want to use this, perhaps?

AUDIENCE: Oh!

-Hiya.

-Hello, Rob.

-Are you all right?

-I'm fine.

-So, here's what we are going to do. It's not Barbara any more, it's Peggy.

-Peggy.

You've been up to no good.

-OK? Right?

-Right.

-Right. I don't think that'll be a stretch.

You see, that's it. You're nothing but trouble, you!

Complete trouble. Coming in here,

fancying all the geezers, getting your hands on them all.

Well, I've had enough of you. So, I'll tell you what... Get out of my pub!

APPLAUSE

Go on!

All right, we don't want any trouble. We don't want trouble.

She was hot, anyway.

Now, all I can say is, please don't press charges.

LAUGHTER

Give Karen a warm round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

She said, "No, it was lovely. I was so hot."

Thank you for doing that. Now, The Overtones,

you're going to sing for us so would you like to get ready?

Oh, yeah, wow.

APPLAUSE

But, first of all, let's hear it again for my wonderful guests,

Barbara Windsor and Heston Blumenthal.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now, performing Perfect from their new album Higher,

The Overtones.

CHEERING

# I don't want half-hearted love affairs

# I need someone who really, really cares

# Life is too short to play silly games

# I've promised myself I won't do that again

# It's got to be perfect

# It's got to be worth it, yeah

# Too many people take second best

# But I won't take anything less

# It's got to be, yeah, perfect

# Young hearts are foolish They make such mistakes

# They're much too eager to give their love away

# Well, I have been foolish too many times

# Now I'm determined I'm going to get it right

# I'm going to get it right

# It's got to be perfect

# It's got to be worth it, yeah

# Too many people take second best

# But I won't take anything less

# It's got to be, yeah, perfect

# Doo-ba-da-da, doo-ba-da-da Doo-ba-da-da, doo-ba-da-da, doo-way

# Doo-way

# Zoo-ba-doo-bip

# Dip-da-bop Dee, ba-da, ba-doo, bay-ay

# It's gotta, gotta be

# It's gotta be It's gotta be perfect

# Young hearts are foolish They make such mistakes

# They're much too eager to give their love away

# Well, I have been foolish too many times

# Now I'm determined I'm going to get it right

# I'm going to get it right

# It's got to be perfect

# It's got to be worth it, yeah

# Too many people take second best

# But I won't take anything less

# It's got to be-ee-ee-ee perfect. #

Fantastic.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys. Brilliant.

Thank you, Rob.

The Overtones!

Good night. That was very good.

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