Episode 3 The Rob Brydon Show

What a show tonight! Look at this! Comedy from Sarah Millican.

We've got Grayson Perry here. Music from Newton Faulkner and me.

Let's do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for coming. Welcome to the show.

Straight away, look at this. Check out these guys, third row back.

ZZTop - The Wilderness Years.

LAUGHTER

I'm drawn to yours on the left with the blazer and the cravat.

-That's an evil beard, isn't it?

-It's a nice beard.

-It is.

Now, you must have come together.

-Well, yes, we're all members of the British Beard Club.

-Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the highest-ranking member?

-Well, I'm the president.

-And what's your name, sir?

-David.

-David, welcome.

-Welcome to the show, David.

-Thank you.

-How did it happen?

Well, we all attended an international beard competition.

HE CHUCKLES

Why?

LAUGHTER

Just for fun. There's a tremendous camaraderie.

People come from all over the world to...just to show off their beards.

How did you discover the competition?

I think it was because the competition was put on

by the British Facial Hair Club For Men Only With Moustaches.

LAUGHTER

OK, we have to stop there.

LAUGHTER

-The British Facial Hair Club For Men Who Only Have Moustaches!

-Yes.

They don't allow you to have beards.

So, a few of us who had beards got together

and we thought there isn't a beard club, so we'll create one.

And the man next to you, I'm guessing,

gets most of his work at Christmas.

LAUGHTER

Well, I do have problems walking down the street without people saying, "Hello, Santa!"

LAUGHTER

-Have you ever played Father Christmas?

-I haven't, no.

You haven't?! You're missing a trick there.

You should get down to Selfridges.

Well, it's lovely to have members of the Beard Club with us.

APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome.

Look at this, down, front row. Front row, on the aisle.

-A lady with tattoos.

-Good evening.

Oh, a confident lady with tattoos!

Good evening, and the headband there as well. What is your name?

-My name is Alison.

-Hello, Alison.

-Hiya.

-Welcome along to the show.

-Thank you.

-What is it that you do for a living, Alison?

I'm a ticket inspector on the trains.

AUDIENCE JEERS

-That explains something.

-That's why I was late!

LAUGHTER

Now here's an interesting thing.

How often will there be somebody purposely evading the fare?

-Quite often, unfortunately.

-Really?!

-Yeah.

-So, you come across...

Have you ever apprehended a notable person, a famous face?

Yes, I have.

Who was it?

-It was a... He was a boxer.

-Oh, a boxer! Was it Muhammad Ali?

LAUGHTER

-No.

-Was it Sylvester Stallone?

LAUGHTER

-No.

-All right, you can't say who it was.

I can't say who it was, but I've still got part of my ear left.

CROWD JEERS

I don't see Mike Tyson catching the train anywhere in the UK!

That would be bizarre. It wasn't Mike Tyson!

No.

LAUGHTER

-So you said to him...

-I said, "Do you have a train ticket?"

-He said, "No."

-Right.

I said, "Unfortunately, you need to have a train ticket for travelling on trains."

-And he said, "Do you know who I am?"

-Oh, no. But you did know who he was.

-I did know who he was, yes.

-And who was he?

-I still can't mention, I'm afraid.

-All right, OK.

So what happened then?

-Er, he paid his £20 and he wasn't a very happy bunny.

-Wow.

Wow, that's scary.

I have sat... I have been on the train when I've mistakenly...

That's what they all say!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, look, you're very welcome. Thank you for coming along.

And if you ever see me on a train, look kindly on me, OK?

I'll have my penalty fare badge close by.

Have you got a ticket for tonight?

LAUGHTER

Thanks very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Now, in a moment, one of Britain's most exciting artists, Grayson Perry,

and there'll be music from Newton Faulkner.

But first, she's the comedian we chose as the nation's favourite

at the British Comedy Awards.

Please give a big welcome, Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is quite something,

to be voted just favourite comedian of everybody.

I know. I thought I may have got a crown and a sash because it's Queen.

But I didn't.

But a lovely feeling inside.

-Oh, yes, it was lovely. It was very nice.

-I would love that.

To be Queen of Comedy!

LAUGHTER

If it's an award, I'll take it.

LAUGHTER

I couldn't believe this.

You hadn't been to a comedy club

until the first time you got up at a comedy club and did material.

Yes, I stood on a stage. I had no idea how to stand, what to wear.

I had no clue. They stared at me until I did... I did five minutes.

And, halfway through, I did a joke about my dad.

It was when I was getting divorced.

All my early stuff is about my divorce.

That's what got me on the stage in the first place.

I had been crying in front of my dad.

My dad is adorable, but I'd been crying in front of him just...

You know when you're crying so much it's just...

Your face is leaking from all of the holes.

He just said, "You're bound to be upset, you've lost everything."

LAUGHTER

And then, he left a little pause and he said,

"You've got nothing left."

Just in case I was like, "Oh, I don't know. Could you clarify that, Dad?"

They went from complete silence to this big whoof of laughter.

I think other people would think, oh my God, I'm never doing this again.

But I thought, well that bit's obviously got to go to the front

in order to start off.

-So you had that confidence straight away?

-I think... I think...

I started when I was 29. I think it's just about...

Why did you come to it so late?

Because I'd never thought about it before.

It was only when I got divorced that I thought...I could do anything now!

I just felt really liberated that I could try anything.

I think some people sleep around and some people get drunk a lot.

But I just told all my problems to strangers!

LAUGHTER

So, at 29, you did your first comedy.

Before that, you'd done a range of jobs. One of them was fantastic.

You literally worked for Mills & Boon.

No, I worked for a company who produced audio books.

Some of the books we did, were Mills & Boon. Yeah.

-But you didn't narrate them?

-Oh, no, no.

-I was behind the glass, where I belong.

-You were a producer.

-Yes.

But do you think you could have narrated them?

Because you're a performer.

It's a very friendly accent, the Geordie accent!

-I think your accent would sound good and with that in mind...

-Oh, no. Oh.

-We've made this up, right.

-OK.

-It's a bit Mills & Boony.

-OK.

-Give us that in your lovely Newcastle...

SHE CACKLES

LAUGHTER

In this voice? Or do you want me to put a sexy one on?

Sexy, sexy Newcastle!

Ooh, my God. Erm.

(LOWER, HUSKIER TONE) "She felt his lips upon her bosoms...

"like flickering tongues of fire.

""Take me" she whispered.

"And he did."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

(NORMAL TONE) You see, if I do it in this voice.

"She felt his lips upon her bosoms. Like flickering tongues of fire.

""Take us," she whispered. And he did!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's very nice. That's very nice.

-Now, you're about to go back on the road.

-Yes, absolutely.

I'm touring next year, but the tickets go on sale tomorrow.

So, it's all very exciting because it's all... It's off again.

Do you like the life on the road?

I don't have to make my bed and that sort of thing

because you stay in hotels and stuff.

So that's nice. Er, but I have...

Because I have got a cat now, so things are different.

You've been banging on about this cat on Twitter, haven't you? This is Captain...

Well, some people would say, sharing my life but if you want to say "banging on"...

-I would say banging on about it.

-This is Chief Brodie. Yes.

He's adorable. But he doesn't like my arms very much.

He likes to slash them.

-Sometimes, we fall out.

-Do you treat him like a child?

SHE GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

Yes.

LAUGHTER

He now lets me hold him like a baby.

He falls asleep in my arms. It's...

Yeah, it's like having a kid without all the rubbish.

You know, all the raising them and that.

I'm well aware of what this looks like.

LAUGHTER

I don't really give a shit, either.

LAUGHTER

Now, you've been doing loads of TV, right, recently.

You did your own show. You've been on lots of different shows.

How do you find your material? Is it invented, or is it based on you?

It's pretty much always based on truth.

It may be tweaked for funny

but mostly it's things that have happened or things I've said.

-I've just got a notebook that I carry with me everywhere.

-All the time?

-Yeah.

-Do you have it by the side of the bed?

Yes, because when you're drifting off to sleep,

sometimes you get really vivid ideas and you scribble them down.

Because I will definitely not remember those in the morning.

-No matter what you're doing in the bed?!

-Yeah, yeah. Hm, yeah.

An idea's an idea, Rob. They're like gold.

You've got to write them down no matter what you're doing.

-So, even if you've just embarked on a venture?

-Embarked?!

LAUGHTER

You've just set out on a little personal journey,

you'd still reach for the, erm...

-Personal or...

-No, no, no!

LAUGHTER

I genuinely didn't mean that!

LAUGHTER

No, this is no mock outrage, I genuinely didn't...

-I mean, because you have a boyfriend, don't you?

-I do.

Are you telling me that in the middle of that,

you would reach for the notebook?

It sort of... It depends which bit we're doing.

LAUGHTER

If we're doing the sort of... introduction...

then, yeah.

LAUGHTER

So, you would break away from that, right...

You don't have to break away, you can just lean...

What, you would just lean over? So, "You carry on, pet."

LAUGHTER

-You would do that?!

-Yes. It's like...

You could grab a pen and write it on his shoulder, couldn't you?!

-Now, that's a really good idea.

-You could.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, give your thanks to Sarah.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Sarah. Lovely. Thank you.

Now then, my next guest is riding a wave of popularity at the moment.

I'm delighted to have him on.

Please give a big welcome to the artist formerly and currently known as Grayson Perry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to comment on the outfit. You are a transvestite. So, it's... I...

I didn't know that about you. I thought it was all art, the dresses.

-I didn't know you were a transvestite.

-No, I'm proper.

I've got my licence and everything.

LAUGHTER

I started when I was 13, you know, like a lot of transvestites.

-You dress up. I didn't even know there was such a thing.

-Yeah.

-I just had the impulse.

-So you had the impulse to dress...

I mean, the thought comes into your mind and you think,

oh, yeah, that would be an interesting thing to do.

You try it out and think, it's a bit of a turn-on.

-Because it's such a strong look.

-But I'm relaxed.

-We've accepted you.

But I'm relaxed. That's the thing. It takes two to tango.

-If I'm relaxed, you're relaxed.

-Yeah.

If I go into a shop and say, "Have you got this in a size 14?"

in a completely relaxed way, like a normal person, they go,

"Of course we have." "Ooh, we had a tranny in today."

But if I go in...

(MUMBLES) "Have you got that in a size 14?"

When you're nervous, you know that as a performer,

if you're nervous, other people are.

-Nobody wants to see someone embarrassed on stage, do they?

-No.

But that's what I do. I go up and say, "Size 14."

And they go, "Ha-ha, 14!"

LAUGHTER

-Do you dress like that at home, if you are just relaxing?

-No.

It will be a jeans and a T-shirt, a couple of beers. A sketchbook.

So, the art is part of dressing, because they're not ordinary dresses.

But everything I do ends up being art because I'm an artist. It bleeds into it.

But when did that start? When did the art start?

Well, the thing is, when you sort of...

I found out there was such a thing as transvestites.

And so, therefore, the kind of status for transvestites,

is how realistic can you look?

-And so, it's like, er, do you pass in the street as a woman?

-That's the challenge?

Well, for general transvestites, that's often the kind of thing they aim for.

And so that's what I tried to do.

I used to get dressed up as a regular woman,

go shopping down Oxford Street.

-And nobody would give me a second look when I was young.

-Yes.

And I thought, isn't it boring?

Then I had a sort of Damascene moment

when I suddenly thought, actually, I could wear anything I wanted.

And so I started, sort of, getting a bit more adventurous in my wardrobe.

-Let's talk about art.

-Yes.

-Would you say pottery is your main thing?

It's the thing I'm best known for.

Yes, we have, we have an illustration of one of your pots.

Yes, that's the Rosetta Vase.

It's got quite a small neck, hasn't it? You couldn't get many daffodils, could you?

-They're not really functional.

-Oh, really.

And they look a bit rubbish with flowers in, anyway.

It's a bit like wearing a dress when you've got tattoos.

ROB LAUGHS

What dictates what goes on? How does that process work?

You know, I do a few doodles beforehand in my sketchbook,

when I've had a beer maybe, or just feeling a bit more relaxed.

Because as you become more well-known as an artist

you get very self conscious.

Because also, there's the fact that it's worth a lot of money.

So, every mark you make has a kind of monetary value.

Is it vulgar to ask you what sort of price your stuff goes for now?

Quite vulgar, yes. But I don't mind that. I quite like vulgar.

What sort of price does your stuff go for?

LAUGHTER

Probably...the most I've sold for a vase would be around a hundred grand.

-AUDIENCE GASPING

-£100,000?!

But you've got to think I've got to pay tax.

I know some... That may be a foreign idea to some comedians, I know.

Whoa, whoa!

APPLAUSE

Is it true that you actually throw some away?

You've got to have your standards, your reputation to keep up, so if you don't think it's any good...

But it's not just the sculptures and stuff, is it now?

I mean, a little doodle - if you were to do a doodle, that would ...

Mm, it's frightening, when you sit down with a pad of paper,

-and you think, "I literally can draw money."

-Wow.

That's quite a frightening thought. I call it "Picasso napkin syndrome", which is that feeling of...

You know how he used to draw on a napkin to pay for his meal?

-Francis Bacon did that as well, didn't he?

-Yeah.

He would doodle on the napkin.

And I kind of freeze up so, you know...

I find it's quite difficult to kind of, you know...

I get sort of creatively constipated.

-What, what were you like at art?

-I'm quite regular, thanks.

-Are you an arty person?

-Yeah, I used to like drawing.

I don't think I was any good at it, but I enjoyed the process and I think that's...

I did it a lot at home, because when you're at school, you get marked,

and I didn't really like that process.

I just enjoyed drawing, regardless of whether anybody

thought it was valuable or not, any good.

Did they rate you at school, Grayson? Were you thought of as...?

-Yeah.

-From what age?

-From about 16.

-From 16?

So what about, so when you're sort of...?

Well, I always enjoyed drawing, I was very keen on it,

but I can remember at 16 my art teacher said to me,

"Oh, I think you'll do well at art school,"

cos before then I'd wanted to join the army.

That's different.

You wanted to join the army, seriously? Why, why?

When I was young, I was into model planes and stuff,

-and I wanted to be a pilot, and then I joined the cadets.

-Yeah.

And I liked running around, going, "Bang, bang!"

I probably was a trainee psychopath as well.

-Were you a little unbalanced?

-I don't know.

I had a troubled childhood so I probably...

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have really been given a gun.

So it wasn't until 16 that you went off in the direction...

-Yeah, that's when I decided to become an artist and I just went for it.

-Wow.

What did you want to be when you were at school, not a comedian?

No, I wanted to be a vet for a while until I realised it's not just cuddling animals.

But before that I wanted to be a stripper.

I was six or seven, I thought it was just nice dancing.

Thank you, Sarah. Thank you, Grayson.

Now, you're going to stay there for our next guest.

He is talented, he's gifted, most of all, he's hairy.

Please welcome Newton Faulkner.

Oh, Newton Faulkner, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, here's the interesting thing about Newton - middle name is Battenberg.

-One of them.

-One of them?

-I've got a few.

-Oh, this'll be good.

-My full name's completely ridiculous.

-Go on, then.

I'm Sam Newton Battenberg Faulkner, son of Keith.

Sam Newton Battenberg Faulkner. So, is there Battenberg in your family?

Is there Battenberg in your kitchen, come to...?

-It's my mother's maiden name, so it's just there.

-She's a Battenberg?

-She's a proper Battenberg. I'm only half Battenberg.

-Are you?

-I'm just the pink.

-You're just a snack.

And look at that lovely beard!

Just as luck would have it,

we've got the president of the British Beard Club here with us tonight.

Let's get his opinion on Newton's beard.

-Can I just pouf it up a bit?

-Oh, please do, yes. Pouf away!

Yes, it's very satisfactory.

YES!

-Oh, what a beautiful moment!

-Wow! You passed the test.

I was very excited to have you on the show, Newton, because I'm a big fan.

It's not just your singing, you're a very individual guitarist.

You can do things on that guitar that most people can't do.

It's true to say. Show what I mean.

You've got a style where you do all sorts of different things.

-If I perch on the corner, is that disrespectful? I don't have shoes on.

-Yeah, why not?

It's like we're in an episode of Friends, isn't it?

This is a very strange episode of Friends.

The One Where Newton Sat On The Sofa.

Which bit do you want first?

Well, I love it when you do all that kind of...

IMITATES GUITAR MUSIC

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

-That was a fun one.

-Wow.

That's very good.

Now, Newton's going to perform his new single in a moment,

but before you do, there's something I would like to do.

Because we have an artist here, and because I like to think I have a little bit of the artist in me,

whenever at home I have this many people round,

I like to play what I call "The Drawing Game" with them, yeah?

So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to draw something,

you're going to try and guess it, and you're going to sign it.

OK, here go. Here we go.

Ooh.

-He's got his tongue out, look!

-I have not! Oh, I have, I have.

How long might one of your works take, Grayson, as long as this?

-Yes, a lot longer.

-Really?

-Yeah.

And am I right in saying about 100 grand is the sort of thing

I can expect...

..for this?

OK. Yeah!

-All right, OK. All right, are you ready?

-I'm ready.

All right, OK. Now, the three of you...

-But before you guess what it is...

-LAUGHTER

Shut up!

Grayson, just artistically, what do you think there?

It has a sort of relaxed fluency.

A relaxed fluency!

I love that!

On a scale of nine to ten, where would you put it?

Ooh, well, it depends what you're trying to achieve, doesn't it?

Well, what are we all trying to achieve?

-Sarah, what do you think?

-Well, you've put musical notes,

so I'm assuming they're a band.

Yeah. Not just any old band, though, Newton, eh?

Westlife.

Good guess.

So, come on, you know who that is.

# Oooh! #

-That was definitely cheating.

-Well, you should've got it by now.

-That Paul McCartney, that's, that's...

-Wings, Wings!

Come on, it is...?

-I can hardly say, it won't come out my lips.

-Come on.

-It's The (Beatles.)

The Beatles, yes. Yes!

-Just, just...

-Don't do it!

-Just pop your signature on that.

-Don't do it!

Rob Brydon.

You devil!

Let's take some questions now from the audience.

This is exciting. Roger Moore?

-Wow!

-Where is Roger? Oh, no!

-Ohhh!

-Hello, Sir Roger.

-Hi.

-Who's your question for?

-For Grayson.

-Grayson, OK.

What do you think about Damien Hirst?

What do I think? Well, he's the artist of our times.

I mean, we'll look back in 20, 30, 40 years' time,

and he will sum up the kind of Blairite years.

The fact that he flogged off all his work at Sotheby's

for I don't know how many million pound on the day

that Lehman Brothers went under, that'll be a...

That's a moment in our history.

But how do you rate him as an artist?

He's a...

Well, he does what he sets out to do.

Thank you very much. Er, Joshua Mann? That's a great name.

Where's Joshua? Hey, Joshua Mann, private eye.

-Hi, Joshua. Who's your question for?

-It's for Sarah.

-Hello.

-Hi, Sarah. What's the first joke you ever wrote?

I wrote a joke that took... Sometimes you try something out and it works straightaway,

and sometimes it takes a few goes.

This took five goes before anybody ever laughed, and I was determined...

-So, a long way to stick with it?

-Yeah.

He's thinking, "I've got to laugh now, just on purpose."

It was about how you know when you've put weight on.

It's during the throes of passion and your partner picks you up,

whether or not they say, "One, two, three," first.

ROB LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

Right, we've got a question from James Best. Where are you, James?

-Hello, James. Who's your question for?

-My question's for Newton.

For Newton Faulkner, right. What's the question?

Newton, my friend Rose and I are very big fans of yours, our favourite song is Dream Catch Me.

I was just wondering whether you'd be happy to play it to us?

-Oh, you cheeky devil!

-I can probably do that.

-Would you do that?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Oh, isn't that lovely?

-Hey, how you guys doing, are you all right?

-Yeah, good, thank you.

-Cool.

# There's a place I go when I'm alone

# Do anything I want

# Be anyone I wanna be

# But it is us I see and I cannot believe I'm falling. #

Rose, I know we haven't been friends for that long, but I really, really

like you and I was wondering whether you'd like to be my girlfriend.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

CHEERING

Wow! That is fantastic.

And can I also say, you're punching above your weight.

All right, well, listen, you're going to go and sing for us, aren't you, your new single?

-Yeah, I'm comfy.

-Would you like to go and set yourself up?

-I know you haven't got any shoes on.

-No.

-Bloody hippy!

Go and set yourself up on the stage, you'll sing for us in a moment.

While we get ready for Newton, would you please thank my fantastic guests,

Grayson Perry and Sarah Millican.

And now, with his brand-new single, Brick By Brick - Newton Faulkner!

# I'm hoping it'll all get better

# But it keeps on getting worse time and time again

# People running as the earth shakes It's just another earthquake

# Coming in to break my faith in this

# Wind blowing off the rooftops Water in the basement

# It's looking like lightning strikes again

# It ends and another begins

# And they will keep on coming They will keep on coming

# Every single flame burns bright

# And fades but that's OK

# My best-laid plans are washed away

# No time to make 'em all again

# Sometimes life gets in the way We've got to keep on breathing

# Look how far we've come

# Look what we made

# Started from nothing

# Building brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick

# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick

# So we're back to broken hearted Back where we started

# Everything we built torn down again

# If this was in the movies but said to be the truth

# Bet no-one would believe a word of it

# Fire raging on the hillsides Losing by a landslide

# Everybody's patience wearing thin

# It ends and another begins

# And they'll keep on coming They'll keep on coming

# Every single flame burns bright

# And fades but that's OK

# My best-laid plans are washed away

# No time to make 'em all again

# Sometimes life gets in the way We've got to keep on breathing

# Look how far we've come

# Look what we made

# Started from nothing

# Building brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick

# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick

# All we have is us to build back up what we have lost

# But that's enough

# And every single flame burns bright and fades but that's OK

# My best-laid plans are washed away

# No time to make 'em all again

# Sometimes life gets in the way We've got to keep on breathing

# Look how far we've come

# Look what we made

# Started from nothing

# Building brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick

# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick

# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick

# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick. #

Newton Faulkner!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd