Episode 4 The Rob Brydon Show

Tonight on the show, what do you get if you cross an Irishman,

an Englishman, a Welshman and another Englishman? Let's find out.

Contains strong language

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

What a lovely audience. Good evening. Welcome to the show.

I know we've got someone here who has a curious hobby.

Something to do with police. Where's the...? It's Steve.

-So a hobby involving...police.

-Yes.

-Explain to the ladies and gentlemen what it is.

-I'm a retired police officer

and I spend my time taking photos of police cars.

LAUGHTER

As they go by or...? As they're chasing after you?

LAUGHTER

-What is your name?

-Tracy.

-Hiya, Trace. You all right?

-Yeah.

You're having a hell of a night. How did this begin?

It just came about when I retired.

I thought that it was something I wanted to do.

-A social history kind of thing, I think.

-Yeah. Don't laugh.

No, Steve. I'm not having this. Don't laugh.

LAUGHTER

Being in a wheelchair does not entitle you to cackle like a mad witch.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm with you. Social history, yes. Because the cars... Shut up!

LAUGHTER

-The cars have changed over the years.

-That's right.

Dixon of Dock Green, Z Cars...

TRACY LAUGHS

Tracy! I will be wheeling you out of here in a minute.

The Panda car, was Z Cars.

So what would your favourite be?

-My favourite would have been an Escort XR3i Cosworth.

-Yeah.

I think you've spoken for a lot of us here tonight.

Let's do an experiment. Let's have somebody up there just give us a police siren and...

You, sir. You're giving us the siren and we're going to see how Steve reacts in his natural habitat.

Nee-Nah! Nee-Nah!

LAUGHTER

No!

APPLAUSE

Have you been in a British high street since 1965?

LAUGHTER

"Nee-Nah Nee-Nah"?!

Steve, although, to be fair, you did react pretty strongly.

-Thank you for coming, the two of you. Thank you very much indeed.

-APPLAUSE

We're going to have a little movie glamour.

We have someone here tonight from the movies. Where is Peter?

-There you are.

-Hello.

-Peter is down here. Now you are a Foley artist.

-I am indeed.

A Foley artist is someone who puts the sounds into a film.

Quite often, the sounds don't come across.

When someone walks, you may not hear it. Not hearing this.

In a film, you'd hear this.

MIMICS CLIP-CLOP FOOTSTEPS

If I were a horse!

LAUGHTER

So what Peter does is put the sounds on.

You do it with all sorts of household things.

Anything that makes a similar noise to the thing on the screen I'm trying to create.

All right. Now then. If I were to whip something out of this bag...

LAUGHTER

..what could you do, Peter, with that simple banana?

Recently, what I've done with bananas is a bite for a vampire movie.

A bite for a vampire movie.

When a vampire bites into someone's neck, I'm not going to do that in someone's neck...

Not again!

No, but the skin's really kind of tough and it makes a nice ripping noise.

-As if flesh is being ripped.

-Off the side of your head.

-Let's do it.

What I want the audience to do now is to close your eyes

and then, I will create the scene. Peter will do the effect, you're going to imagine it, OK?

OK, so close your eyes.

Along comes the vampire and in she goes.

CRUNCH

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Oh, that was good! That was good!

-APPLAUSE

-Give him a round of applause, yes.

OK, in a moment, two very funny men - Jason Manford and Neil Morrissey.

But first, mums, get ready to scream, it's Ronan Keating!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Look at you.

-Look at you.

-Look at you, you handsome devil.

-What do you do? Three times a week at the gym?

-Five, pretty much.

About five days a week.

-Now, you've just been moving into a new world with your acting.

-Yeah.

-You've done a movie in Australia.

-That's right. Goddess.

We just launched it at Cannes a few months ago. It was very exciting.

It's a new world for me. I'm learning every day. But I really enjoyed the whole process.

-I've been trying for a long time. I read for Moulin Rouge ten years ago.

-The one Ewan McGregor ruined... Did.

-Yeah.

-You were up for that, were you?

-Yeah.

Baz Luhrmann invited me to New York, flew me over, and I read.

And it was Ewan, DiCaprio and myself, which was incredible to be up against those guys.

I didn't expect to get it. Obviously, I didn't. It was a great experience.

-Wow! And someone told me the Hobbit too.

-I read for the Hobbit, yeah. I obviously didn't get that either.

-Let's even things up here. I read for Garfield 2.

-Did you?

LAUGHTER

Jesus Christ!

Ronan, you read my mind.

Let's talk about Boyzone. 20 years?

-Next year.

-Let's go to the beginning. Where did the name come from?

Did Louis come up with that name, and if he did,

why on earth would he have been thinking along those lines?

We... Yeah.

We don't really know!

-You never asked?

-I don't know.

I think Louis just came up with the name.

It's one of those things. We look at it and go, "Oh, why?"

I think, hopefully, people just overlook it.

It becomes who you are and you just accept after a while.

Sadly, we're not boys any more, you know.

Boyzone are 20 years next year.

We're going to call it BZ 20,

so we're going to get rid of it. Not get rid of the name, but...

-You could be the Bee Zees.

-The Bee Zees, yeah.

You auditioned, you had to audition for the band, didn't you?

Yes, there was 300 guys turned up over about three weeks

and they whittled it down.

It was just like one of the X Factor, one of the shows,

just without the cameras.

You've always looked like a star. Look.

Here's a picture Ronan when he was 18.

That's you in Boyzone. Now let's have a look at me at 18.

LAUGHTER

That's a boy ON his own.

-As luck would have it, you've got a new record out.

-Surprise, surprise!

I do. Thank God.

WHOOPING

Thank you. It's taken a while. Six years.

Is it six years since the last...?

The last studio record. I've done the Bacharach record

and Songs For My Mother with the orchestra, but it's been six years

since a studio album, so it's taken a while. I've enjoyed the process.

It's nice to be back with original songs again.

You mentioned the Burt Bacharach album, and we've got it.

Look at that. Isn't that nice?

They don't make them like that any more.

I'll tell you what. Look at this.

-'Met when Ronan Burt'.

-Yes.

Who album did artwork your?

Burt Bacharach, cos some of the younger people might not know,

is pretty much a colossus of songwriting

The greatest songwriter, I think, ever.

He wrote Planes And Boats And Trains, Arthur's theme,

-# Anyone who had a heart. #

-Beautiful.

-What's he like?

-He's brilliant. He's a taskmaster. It was hard work

but it was a dream to work with him.

Capital Studios, studio A where Sinatra worked,

Al Schmidt, the engineer who worked with Sinatra behind the controls,

Burt in the room, 40 piece orchestra,

and we had three days to do ten songs. It was incredible.

-That's quick.

-We had an hour and a half a song, which was ridiculous.

I'm only a handful of singers that have ever had the opportunity

to work one-on-one with him in the studio,

so it's an absolute honour for me. It was a dream come true.

Would you give us a taste?

Would you mind that? Would you give us something?

-Erm...

-Can I make a request?

The Dionne Warwick song, Walk On By.

That's one of my favourites. I love that song.

# If you see me walking down the street

# And I start to cry

# Each time we meet

# Walk on by

# Walk on by

# Foolish pride

# Is all that I have, so let me hide

# The tears and the sadness you gave me

# When you said goodbye

# Walk on by. #

That's very impressive, very impressive. Thank you, Ronan.

You're going to enjoy my next guest.

He's one of the country's funniest people.

Please welcome Jason Manford.

-How are you? You all right?

-I'm all right, yeah.

You've lost weight since the last time I saw you. You look good.

It's been a nightmare. Every so you see yourself on the screen and think, "Is that me?

"That bloke looks like the bloke who ate the bloke I'm thinking about."

I've got to try to do something.

I was doing this show in the West End

and I thought, "I better lose a bit of weight for that."

What did you do?

Are you in the gym like Ronan? Five days a week.

No, I've not been... I've been five times.

Let's talk about your comedy.

You'll be on the road next year. You got a big tour.

Have you started gathering material yet?

Slowly but surely. I've got about 25...seconds.

You're very much, to me, in the tradition of the northern comedian.

It seems to be right through what you do.

Do you find a difference in the north and the south?

As far as the audience is concerned,

I think that's made a bigger thing of then actually is true.

-Where are you more likely to get heckled?

-Definitely north, I think.

I think the further north you get, like Manchester, Liverpool,

you start getting a bit of ribbing, a bit in Newcastle.

In Glasgow it's like being in a double act.

You leave your set at the door.

What's the best heckle you ever had?

I had a bloke in Dudley, I think, and his coat was on the floor,

and then it moved slightly and it threw me a bit.

I thought, "That was weird." That's not the funny bit, but it's coming.

I said, "Your coat just moved", thinking this will turn into gold,

and I said, "Your coat just moved by itself",

and he said the worst thing I've ever had anyone say to me.

He said, "That's not my coat, that's my guide dog."

Oh...

-Wow.

-I know. And you feel the audience go,

"Go on then, knobhead, have a go."

You can sense it in the audience, you know. Oh.

That was the worst one.

Did you have a comeback? Did you say anything?

Did I have a comeback?

Yeah, I said, "How do you know I'm talking to you?"

But mostly I think it ruins it.

When I first saw you, you were talking lots about your family.

-You had a great routine about your dad.

-Yeah.

-How did it start?

Was it looking at the family thinking, "This is funny"?

A little bit, because they just do stuff where you just go,

"Well, this needs to be told to a wider audience."

There's little bits that you think,

"That's a decent observation, I could do something with it,

and then in a year's time, you know...

-Do you still look to your family?

-I do, yeah. I do look to them.

It's a huge family.

I think I've got something like 64 cousins, I think there is.

64 cousins?

Here's the thing, Ronan, because in Jason's family,

Irish music, traditional Irish music, is a big deal, isn't it?

Yeah, they were all in Irish folk bands or country and western bands.

It was just like a free for all.

It'd be like, "Where's one-eyed Tommy? Where's one-eyed Tommy?

"You can sing a song", then he'd sing.

Have they never been to a Boyzone concert?

LAUGHTER

-For half an hour.

-That's be great.

-Absolutely.

-Was that music part of your upbringing?

-Yeah, very much so.

-That's traditional music.

-Very much so.

You know, going to pubs is part of the social scene.

It's what your parents did.

A few pints and everyone's singing, you know?

That was the norm. It's still the norm, you know?

You did X Factor in Australia.

-I'm doing it again this year.

-What role did you fill?

Were you the nasty judge, like Simon,

or were you the one like Louis who doesn't know what's going on?

It's funny, you go in with best intentions, right,

-"I'm going to be this guy."

-Which was what?

I was going to be all right, I'm going to be nice.

I'm going to be decent to these people. They've come a long way.

It's a big deal for them and you don't want to crush their dreams.

A long day, it is. Yeah.

You start at eight and don't finish till 12.

-In the afternoon.

-No, the next morning.

And honestly, after about 20 bad people, you go,

"Oh, I can't take this any more. You're crap. Go home, please.

"Just go home. Don't ever come back."

Who's telling them they can sing?

Well, we ask that question. We say, "Have you ever sung for anybody?

"I sing for my mum and dad all the time and my brothers

"and sisters and friends", and then they come out and...

HE WARBLES

If you say your kid's good at something, you don't expect them to go on the telly and do it.

"You're good at that, keep it up! Oh, my God, they're on the telly."

Now, not long ago, I came to see you in the West End in Sweeney Todd.

Jason went in and did Sweeney Todd, the Sondheim musical,

with Michael Ball and Imelda Staunton. That must've been terrifying.

Yeah. I mean, it's weird, cos I sort of thought I'd like to do a musical,

but I didn't want to do the rubbishy ones.

you know, the ones where Dean Gaffney's done it for three months.

-I don't fancy that.

-Tell us about the character.

He's an Italian barber, a fake Italian barber, pretend Italian,

and he threatens Sweeney Todd, which is not advisable.

I was dead by half eight.

I did say, "Listen, I'm not that bothered about the bow."

I just get the train home.

-Well, look, Ronan has sung for us this evening.

-Ah, what?

-Where is this going?

-Don't react like that to Ronan's singing.

No, no, no!

-Would you...

-My God, what's been going on there?

It's like having Rocky Balboa on the sofa with us.

I did that sort of thing where I went, "What? Oh, my God, hello!"

Ronan sung for us already. Would you give us a...

-You don't have to do the whole song.

-I'll have to try and remember it.

He immediately comes on and says...

# I am Adolpho Pirelli

# The king of the barbers, the barber of kings

# E Buon Giorno, good day

# I blow you a kiss

# And I the so famous Pirelli

# I wish-a to know-a who has-a the nerve-a to say

# My elixir is piss

# Who says this? #

APPLAUSE

I like that.

I liked it a lot.

But it's not what I think that matters. Ronan.

LAUGHTER

I was not expecting that at all.

Did I make that song my own?

-Totally. You owned it. You delivered.

-Is he going through to the next round

-It's a yes from me.

-It's a yes from you. Yeah!

I've done it! I've won it!

-Fantastic. Well done.

-Right, Jason, stay there. Don't go away.

One of Britain's most loved comedy actors is going to join us now.

Please welcome Neil Morrissey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Neil Morrissey!

-Ahh!

-Ohh!

-Ahh!

-Ahh!

-Look at us, eh?

This could be a gentleman's club, couldn't it, eh? Look at us.

Four young guys,

just finished school...

-Who knows what life has in store for them, eh?

-Eh?

-Ahh. Neil, 50.

-Yeah.

-50.

-Yeah, I know.

-Hard to believe, I might say.

Well, no. You know, I'm just about to turn 50, yeah.

Wow! How does it feel?

It's the hair that starts growing out of your ears and nose.

-The grey is fine. You wear that.

-I was at the barbers... They didn't even tell me.

He was doing my hair and then doing that

and he took some of my ear. Didn't even tell me.

-That's the sort of thing...

-Yeah.

I didn't know there was any there.

I went to some Turkish barber and they did it with a lit candle.

Yeah, it was like taper

and they just put the burning thing in your ear

and you hear the hair being burnt away.

And the smell. Eugh!

Whenever I see you, we sometimes bump into each other, you're always

full of energy, always really happy, you're bubbly...

But you had a difficult start with your life, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. I was brought up in children's homes, in care.

People say it was difficult, but to me, it was just kind of normal.

There were a lot of laughs attached to it,

it wasn't all bad and doom and gloom, and thank goodness

there were these institutions that can deal with people like me.

But I mean, I felt there was gaps my life that I didn't really know about

that, erm, cos I don't have like a photographic documentary of my life.

"This is you with your uncle when you went fishing when you were 12.

"And this is you when you learnt to roller-skate."

What happens when you're in a children's home?

Does anybody take photographs and give them to you?

I have recently managed to get hold of photographs,

but I think these days the photographing of children in care

is not deemed part of, you know, they can do it on holidays

and things like this, But that's not a regular thing.

That's terribly sad because you you'd like a record.

One of the ladies who looked after me mostly when I was in care,

Auntie Margaret, who I still talk to now, she's a wonderful woman,

she had a pile of photos of me when I was that age,

which is great cos I've got a son, he's 22 now, but all the way through

his life I was able then to get photographs out and go,

"My goodness, I looked like you did when you were 12."

You know. and all this, which is really nice.

And that's what I mean by these gaps, you know,

putting pictures and faces

and trying to get memories back from when I'd kind of lost them.

Is it pressing the point too much to say

that acting then for you was a sort of salvation,

was something that saved you?

I got into acting, erm,

I was a bit of a class clown, as you can imagine,

and we had a teacher come in called Sheila Steele,

who took me out the class the very first day she arrived in the school

cos I was being a bit naughty

and slammed a script in my chest and said, "You're in the school play!"

So I've been doing it since I was about 11 and loved it very much.

I suppose in a sense it did turn my life around

because those clubs were like my family, if you like, you know.

You've been part of an acting family recently

in the theatre because, I don't know how many people know,

but you've been touring with Oliver, playing Fagin.

You've had a little rest from it then you're back with it.

We've got a picture of Neil.

Ooh, look at that! That's you, look,

and the good thing is you don't need any hair or make up.

LAUGHTER

Rob, you should do Fagin as well. You're halfway there, aren't you?

You've got the attributes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. We had singing tonight from Ronan and then Jason.

-You have had no less than three number ones.

-Correct!

-Yeah, yeah.

-Bob the Builder being a classic.

I'm big on Bob. I'm big on Bob, yeah.

# Muck and Dizzy Roly too

TOGETHER: # Lofty and Wendy... #

-Hang on. Butt out, Keaton!

-LAUGHTER

TOGETHER: # Scoop, Muck and Dizzy Roly too

# Lofty and Wendy join the crew... #

Oh, very good.

# Bob and the gang having so much fun

# Working together to get the job done. #

HA!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dream on! Dream on!

Funny thing is as well, this is where I...

-We were on a plane...

-When you went number one the first time.

I went number one for the first time. It was when they had charts.

Do you remember those things before downloads? And so Fox, Dr Fox,

Neil Fox wanted to have a chat with me and I know I'm going

to be on the flight. So they arrange for the phone on the flight

to be connected. So I'm on the flight and I've got to talk to Foxy

as if I'm Bob. So I'm going, "Hello, Foxy. Bob here."

LAUGHTER

The strangest thing! I'm sitting beside him on the plane.

I'm going, "Hello, Foxy.

"Yes, I've had my head in Mrs Potts' plumbing all day."

LAUGHTER

This is all live Radio 1 stuff and I say, "And you'll never guess who's sitting next to me!"

And he looked at me and said, IRISH ACCENT: "You fucking dare!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Questions from the audience.

-Our first one is Alice Gatland.

-Hello.

-Ooh, hello.

-What's your question and who's it for?

-It's for Neil.

-Oh, hi!

-Neil, do you ever go drinking with Martin Clunes?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Do you?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We go drinking whenever we're together, of course, yeah.

My excuse for when I turn up at his house, his wife...

The first thing he does is,

"Fancy a Scotch?" You know, because, um...

-Is he already shaking?

-He's nodding at me.

He's nodding at me saying, "Please say yes"

because at home the wife doesn't really let him drink Scotch.

She'll walk in and we'll be pouring the Scotch

and he'll go, "Neil asked for it."

So I'm his whisky excuse, you know, which is good.

Connor. Connor Byrne.

Question's for Jason. I just want to know

if he thinks Man City will win the Premiership this season?

-Well, now we're talking. Here we go. Erm...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: No!

-No.

LAUGHTER

-I think so. We won the last season...

-By a goal.

By a goal, but it still counts, doesn't it?

I mean, you know, that's how it works, by goals.

"You won 1-0." "Yeah, by a goal."

That's how it works. That's the whole system!

Yeah, you're right. Excellent. Yeah.

Judy, Judy, Judy. Judy Mayland.

-Hello, Judy.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

Who's your question for?

-It's for Ronan.

-OK.

-I'm getting married in nine weeks

and I would love my last dance as a single woman to be with you.

What do you think?

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-Ronan, what do you think?

-Yeah.

-He'll do it.

OK, well, come down. Come down, Judy. Ronan.

Love you. Love you, Rob.

-Come and, um...

-Thank you.

-It's all right.

-So, it's... Hello.

-Hello.

-Here's what we'll do to make it fun.

We'll imagine it's the Christmas disco at school.

It's the last dance, OK?

I've done my Shakin' Stevens, OK?

It's the last dance, OK?

Ronan and I, the two best-looking boys in the year,

are stood and the slow dance song comes on

and we wonder who Judy will choose to dance with, OK?

-Very good.

-OK, so, when the music starts, you come over.

You come over and make your choice, OK?

MUSIC: "Baby Can I hold You" by Ronan Keating

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Ronan Keating and Judy.

CHEERING

Thank you for that.

-Judy.

-CHEERING

Ronan, you are going to sing your new song for us - Fires.

So, if you just go along and get yourself ready.

-I'll get myself ready.

-Thank you very much, Ronan Keating.

-Thank you.

But, first of all, let's hear it one more time for my guests

Jason Manford and Neil Morrissey.

CHEERING

And now, with his brand-new single Fires, Ronan Keating.

# You're far away, so far away

# Have to believe that you can still feel me

# And I can only wait

# And miss you

# Now we're locked in time Out on the wire

# I wish that I could fight the world for you

# I'm always on your side

# If I could trade places you know I would

# Hold on

# Don't let go

# Just stay on that road in that heartbeat

# You're not alone in the dark

# Can you see me?

# Cos I'll be lighting fires Fires, for you

# I'll be lighting fires Fires, for you

# I'm there in the light when you need me

# To find my way home

# I'll never leave You know I won't

# I feel you're close You're coming back to me

# And summer may be over

# But she leaves you her song

# Hold on

# Don't let go

# Just stay on that road in that heartbeat

# You're not alone in the dark

# Can you see me?

# Cos I'll be lighting fires Fires, for you

# I'll be lighting fires Fires, for you

# I'm there in the light when you need me

# To find your way home

# I'll be lighting fires

# I'll be lighting fires

# Oh-whoa

# Just stay on that road in that heartbeat

# You're not alone in the dark

# Can you see me

# Cos I'll be lighting fires Fires, for you

# I'll be lighting fires Fires, for you

# I'm there in the light when you need me

# To find your way home. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come on, come on. Yeah. Yeah!

Come on.

-Let's get a band together.

-Woo!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd