Episode 6 The Rob Brydon Show

Tonight we have brawn with Ray Winstone,

we have brains with Professor Brian Cox,

and beauty with Kelly Jones. Let us begin.

This programme contains some strong language.

-Hello! Thank you very much!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We have a fantastic show for you tonight.

And as always, a beautiful, superb audience. Look at these people.

There's a man wearing a cravat, and he... Yes, you.

-Who also, in addition, appears to have a claw for a hand.

-LAUGHTER

-I was delighted by the cravat, sir.

-LAUGHTER

-Hello. What's your name?

-Brad.

-Hello, Brad.

-Is that an industrial accident?

-LAUGHTER

-They're rings from Camden.

-They're rings from Camden.

-Yes.

I saw a man with a cravat, I thought, "You don't see that very often, do you?"

-Nothing could have prepared me for the shock of the metallic hand.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm slightly alarmed that you got through the metal detector.

-LAUGHTER

-I mean, Brad, do you have to wear those?

-I like wearing them.

All right. Yes. Fair enough.

-How does your carer feel? Let's ask her.

-LAUGHTER

It's lovely that you're here, Brad.

-I hope you enjoy the show and thank you for coming along this evening.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Now, there's a chap here waving his hand. Hello, sir. What is your name?

-It's Dave.

-Hello, Dave.

Perched on that seat like you might be about to pounce at any moment.

What's your little interesting fact?

-I was born in a loo.

-LAUGHTER

-You were born in the loo.

-In the loo.

-Talk us through it.

-LAUGHTER

-Take us through the motions.

-LAUGHTER

-Er, it was the coldest day of 1966.

-Yeah.

-Er...

-LAUGHTER

That's it, really. Nothing more to say, really.

My mother said, "Cor, blimey, it's cold! I'm going to go in a toilet. Oh, my word, what's this?"

-That's how it was.

-Was it?

-LAUGHTER

You were born in the toilet, she looked down, she said, "It's a wee boy."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, who was there? Was there anybody there to help?

-Er, my mum was there.

-LAUGHTER

Well,

-I'm glad we've cleared that up.

-LAUGHTER

So often now, these posh mothers, they're not even there, are they?

LAUGHTER

You were there, I'm guessing.

I was.

I learnt to swim at an early age.

So you didn't literally go into the loo, did you?

-I did.

-What, you went into the loo?

-Into the loo.

-Ohhh!

-LAUGHTER

-What an incredible story. I tell you what, I'm glad we flushed you out.

-LAUGHTER

-Give him a round of applause. Thank you very much. Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

In a moment, we'll be meeting Professor Brian Cox,

and from the Stereophonics, Kelly Jones.

But first, a true acting legend.

When the going gets tough, they call for

-Ray Winstone!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ray Winstone, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know what I thought? When you were coming on, I thought, the great thing with you, unlike me,

you must love watching yourself in the stuff you've done.

Cos you play, kind of, cool guys.

I do like watching what I've done, because I can't see the point of doing it otherwise.

-Really?

-It would be like painting a picture and not signing it, you know?

-Yeah.

And what about fight scenes? Cos I've never done a fight scene.

-I used to like them when I was younger.

-Yeah.

But it gets tough when you get older cos the kids are getting tougher who come into it.

They used to be namby-pamby kids years ago, you could knock them about a bit.

-I don't think you were meant to knock them about.

-LAUGHTER

But now, you know, there's a lot of tough kids coming into this game.

When I was... When I first started, there wasn't very many people from my kind of background

that were in the film industry, you know? Or in TV.

-Cos you boxed as a child, didn't you?

-As a child?

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, I did. I boxed as a child.

-LAUGHTER

Er, the one thing it taught me in life,

and I've said it before, but I will say it again,

I have the greatest respect for anyone who climbs into a ring.

You're one-on-one, and it's, erm...

And when you look across the ring and look into someone's eyes, you know whether you can win it or not.

-From the outset?

-You know from that moment. But you have to dig deep.

And you've no hate for the person opposite you,

in fact, you have nothing but respect for the other guy.

It's not someone who's beat your sister up, you know? It's not that kind of thing.

And that kind of digging deep and that discipline of the boxing ring

stood me in very good stead for the rest of my life.

-You've just done The Sweeney, haven't you?

-Yeah, the film, The Sweeney with Ben Drew.

-Plan B.

-Plan B, yeah.

He's a great kid. He really is a great kid.

One of the most intelligent boys I've worked with.

We've made a really, really good film.

-Yeah. Teach me, Ray, teach me...

-What do you want to be taught?

I want you to teach me how to extend my range.

When I'm acting, I just play kind of nice guys.

I play, kind of, softies. I'd like to be able to play somebody intimidating.

-It's actually stillness.

-Stillness?

Stillness and quietness. Someone can go on and go on, and you just look at them without blinking.

-You can even laugh.

-LAUGHTER

-So, that's not it?

-I want to kiss you.

-LAUGHTER

-All right, how about this?

-Go on.

LAUGHTER

-All right, all right. OK.

-APPLAUSE

So, I find it... I find it hard to be intimidating.

Maybe you find it hard to be sensitive and warm.

Will you take the sensitivity and warmth test?

-I'll have a go.

-LAUGHTER

-I have a book I'd like you to read.

-Certainly.

-The Three Little Pigs.

-LAUGHTER

Now this book, Ray, you can not have a trace of menace when you read this book.

-OK? You're reading to children, Ray.

-To kids?

You ain't seen the kids round my way. Jesus Christ.

You've got to give them a slap.

-LAUGHTER

-Right. Now, look, I'm a little child. Here I am.

-Look at him...

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-LAUGHTER

-Take your thumb out your mouth!

-Don't hit me again, Uncle Ray! Please don't hit me again.

-LAUGHTER

Don't do intimidating. Do warmth.

LAUGHTER

-You really want to bash him, don't you?

-LAUGHTER

Once upon a time...

..there was a mother pig

-who had three little piggies.

-LAUGHTER

-The three little pigs grew so big...

-LAUGHTER

..that their mother said to them,

-"You're too fat..." No. "You're too big..."

-LAUGHTER

Please don't let the mother hurt the pigs.

LAUGHTER

"You're too big to live here any longer.

"You must go and build houses for yourselves.

"But take care that that naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty wolf does not catch you.

-"Cos he's a fucker!"

-LAUGHTER

-No! No! I'm not having...

What's the matter with you, man? You ruined a classic!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How good were you at school at physics?

-I was very good, actually.

-You were good?

-I got 98 percent.

-98 percent in physics?

-Because we had a great teacher.

-Yeah.

-Who was a raving lunatic, but he made it interesting.

-Oh, OK.

He even threw a kid out of the first floor window.

-He did what?

-He threw a kid out of the window. It was a tough old school, I tell you.

-Out of a first floor window?

-Yeah, he was giving him some lip

and he picked him up and he put him out this window and dropped him, and he went down one floor.

-You're not serious.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. But he learnt.

-LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-OK. Erm...

-But...

I'll tell you how important someone like Brian Cox is

to make something you might not understand interesting is,

in chemistry I got 14 percent.

-Wow!

-Which is another science, but the teacher was diabolical,

you know, and didn't make it interesting.

History, I got 92 percent.

Because we had a Mr Sharp, who made... Who told you stories and got you into it.

But the rest of it, I was crap at.

But it just shows you how important interesting teachers are.

-Kids from anywhere can learn anything if they're interested in it.

-Wow.

Well, you've already mentioned him. Let's bring him out and meet him.

Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Brian Cox!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Books.

-There's no physics books in there.

-There's no physics books. It's very much a humanities bookshelf.

-They're not real books.

-LAUGHTER

You've got a big fan in Ray here.

LAUGHTER

-You look like you're on a date now.

-LAUGHTER

-Talk amongst yourselves.

-I've gone all shy.

You're Professor Brian Cox. That's not an honorary professorship. Is it a proper professor?

Yeah, I'm actually lecturing starting this month.

So in the autumn term at Manchester, I'm lecturing quantum mechanics and relativity to first years.

-And I'm going to...

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Where is this happening?

-E... equals... M... C... squared! That's right.

I'm going to bring some discipline back.

-Where is this, Manchester what?

-Manchester University.

-OK.

-First floor windows...

-LAUGHTER

If you're a student there, I would sellotape them up.

-My office is on the sixth floor.

-Oh, my God!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God. Now, you were a keyboard player with D:Ream.

-Yeah.

# Things can only get better... # Was the big hit.

And now, it's a serious question, how did you become this?

Well, I was at university during the time I was in D:Ream.

I joined them by accident because I started off as the roadie

and the keyboard player... The singer, Peter Cunnah said,

"I need a keyboard player and you can do a bit, can you just do a bit of that?"

So I was doing my degree all the way through that.

When you were on Top Of The Pops, you were studying for a degree?

Yeah, and bizarrely, in Manchester, I was in labs, I was doing my physics experiments in the lab,

and then at five o'clock one night, I went out of the lab, took my white coat off,

walked up the road and went on stage with Take That at G-Mex,

-played my keyboards, and then went back again the day after and carried on.

-Wow!

So it was, kind of... It was like a bar job, really.

It's a nice bar job. It's a nice bar job.

And I'm told that wherever you go, a bit like a doctor,

you know, a doctor goes to a party or a dentist, "Have a look at this,"

that you get the science questions wherever you go.

If you're at a bash, you get people coming up and asking you.

They do, and the strangest people ask them.

So if I'm in the shops, people come up,

but I was in a bar a few months ago and Kate Moss came up to me.

But what was interesting is that she had a very precise question that was perfectly phrased

and she understood exactly what she was asking. It was about entropy.

And she said to me, "The second law of thermodynamics suggests as the universe proceeds,

"as time passes, the universe becomes more and more disordered,

"and that's entirely statistical, it's down to the statistical movements of particles around,

"it's just the fact that disordered things are more likely to form than ordered things.

-"Is that right?" And I said, "Yes, it is."

-LAUGHTER

And she'd watched the show with her daughter, I think she said,

and she'd absolutely got it.

-Kate Moss?

-Yeah.

-Kate Moss. Wow!

Do you have a question, Ray? We've got him here. I know you like your physics.

-You keep banging on about your 92 percent.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, I was... 98, actually.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I suppose it's the age-old question, really.

I mean, because, is there anything out there?

The question is where are these other civilisations, because they should be there,

because our galaxy, there is something like 400 billion stars in our galaxy.

We've been discovering over the last few years that there are planetary systems everywhere we look.

We've found a couple of earth-like planets, rocky planets at the right temperature for water.

The galaxy has been around for 11 billion years.

Now, the earth has only been around for four and a half billion.

So there's been so much time, and there are so many planets, so many solar systems,

that you would think that one of them had been able to build spacecraft

and get out there and explore, and we see no evidence for them.

One of the ideas is maybe they're around and maybe we just don't recognise them.

But what about the idea of...

I'm not saying... I've got to say, this is not UFO nonsense.

-No UFOs have ever landed. No-one's been abducted. It's all bollocks.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's this idea that they're incompetent,

that they float down and they don't really want to be seen,

but they accidentally don't wipe a farmer's mind perfectly.

And so ten years later he kind of remembers.

You say that, but truth be told, most of my science knowledge is based on science fiction.

Let me give you a few things that science fiction has thrown up

and you tell us the likelihood of it happening.

Now, I once saw a film that confidently predicted that in 2015

we would have hoverboards.

-This was Back To The Future II.

-LAUGHTER

Now, hoverboards. How close are we?

-We could do that.

-We can do it?

-We could do it if we wanted, yeah.

We've got trains that do it. Maglev trains.

-Yes, maglev trains! How's that coming along?

-It works, doesn't it?

There isn't one in Cardiff, I can tell you that.

-There's one in Japan.

-Yeah.

-Isn't there one in Japan?

-So they float? Literally, they're not touching the ground?

-Magnets. That's right.

-OK.

Fine. Beaming people up.

-That we've done.

-No, we haven't.

Not with people, but we've done it. Teleportation works.

This is the Star Trek thing where they stand and they go...

-That's been done. It was done back in the 1980s with single particles.

-What did they use?

Er, they used photons. So particles of light. But it genuinely works.

You genuinely destroy a particle here and it appears over here.

It's been done and it's a well-known effect in quantum mechanics.

-It's called quantum teleportation.

-Wow! That's actually happening?

Nobody knows whether you can scale it up.

There's nothing in the theory that stops you...

-Why don't they just pop an apple in and see what happens?

-LAUGHTER

Small steps. But nobody knows...

If there is a reason you can't just keep going bigger, no-one knows what it is.

-To my mind, we're still talking pretty small.

-Yes.

All right, time to meet my next guest. He is a Welsh icon,

he's also frontman of the Stereophonics,

-ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kelly Jones!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good to see you.

-Welcome, welcome, welcome. Yeah, yeah. Pop yourselves down.

Straight away, Kelly, do you know that Ray Winstone got 98 percent in physics?

LAUGHTER

-What did you get in physics?

-Three. LAUGHTER

My house got flooded when I was 11.

This was the first year I started comprehensive school.

Just as I saw a boat fly on top of my old man's car,

I thought, "Well, I'll chuck my school bag and my uniform out there."

And I put my guitar on top of the old girl's wardrobe.

I thought that would be the best place for the guitar and the best place for the school books.

-So what sort of tribe were you in?

-Tribe?

-Well, you know, there were different types.

There was rock fans and different people.

What were you? Because you were a big AC/DC fan. I know that.

Yeah, we were all rock kids, really.

Wrangler jackets with all patches on the back

and Dr Martens and tight jeans. Not a lot's changed, to be honest with you.

Ray, what about you? What were you at school? What look did you have?

I think about my time was the old skinhead style, wasn't it?

-So were you a skinhead?

-Yeah. It was suedeheads and skinheads

and loafers, Dr Martens, the same. Drainpipe jeans and that.

What about you, Brian? What department did you fit into?

-I went through... I was a goth at school.

-You were a goth!

-At 17, I had purple hair.

-That's the worst possible option.

-Who in their right mind becomes a goth?

-LAUGHTER

To piss your parents off. LAUGHTER

Is that to piss your parents off? But your father always encouraged you, didn't he?

He wanted you to go into music.

Well, my mum was a singer, and he was a...

-When I was kid, my old man's record was on the jukebox in the pub.

-Wow.

He did a little record deal with Polydor and he was playing gigs

with, like, Roy Orbison in Batley Variety Club in Leeds,

stuff like that, so... He loved music for what it was about.

And if you pick up an instrument, you're never lonely, are you? You've always got somewhere to go.

But my uncle was a boxing referee, so I did boxing when I was a kid,

-but they were always pushing me into something.

-You did boxing?

-Five fights undefeated.

-Was you?

Five fights undefeated? Which category were you in?

Small. LAUGHTER

And is this other thing I read true, that you were offered to be one of the coaches on The Voice?

-I was asked to do The Voice, yeah.

-Yeah?

And the Jesus Christ Superstar one, as well, with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Last week, I was asked to dance on Strictly. I hope they keep coming when I'm 60, all these offers.

LAUGHTER

-What age did you start, then?

-Er, did my first gig when I was 12.

We pushed the gear up the street on a trolley,

and as soon as we finished, they told us to piss off cos we were too young to drink.

-So, yeah, it was working men's clubs.

-And you've got a remarkable voice.

You've got this... It's got like a rasp to it.

Was that always the case, even as a kid?

Well, I didn't want to be the singer in the band, really.

Because my old man was a singer, the first four, five bands I was in,

you get pushed in it cos your old man's a singer and they think you'll be the singer.

At about 18, I started to get into it.

Before then, I wasn't... I'd rather play guitar and be wallpaper.

You've got the guitar there. Would you give us a little... Would you give us a little something?

APPLAUSE

You're starting out, you're learning to play the guitar, what were the tunes you were doing then?

I had older brothers. Some were listening to, like, Creedence Clearwater Revival and...

Proud Mary? Bad Moon Rising?

I did that on the first gig, aye, when I was 12.

Pretty Woman? Not by Creedence Clearwater.

-Could you give us a bit of Pretty Woman?

-Yeah.

-PLAYS PRETTY WOMAN

-Oh, yeah!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

-What a woman.

Mercy!

# Pretty woman, walking down the street

# Pretty woman, the kind I'd like to meet

# Pretty woman

# I don't believe you, you're not the truth

# No-one can look as good as you

Mercy!

-Raaarrr!

-Yi-ah!

-LAUGHTER

# Pretty woman, don't walk on by

(BOTH) # Pretty woman, don't make me cry

# Pretty woman

# You look as lovely as can be

# Are you lonely just like me?

-Have some!

-Yeah! LAUGHTER

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

-Have some?

-LAUGHTER

-Where the hell did, "Have some!"

-LAUGHTER

I do not remember Roy Orbison...

# Who-oa, pretty woman

-"Have some!"

-LAUGHTER

But Kelly, thank you, fantastic. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right.

Time for questions from the audience.

First of all tonight, er, Martin Hobbs.

-Sounds like a toaster.

-LAUGHTER

-Hello, Martin.

-Hi, Rob.

-Who's your question for?

-My question is for Professor Brian there.

-Yes.

Brian, you've had a varied career and no doubt met a lot of people,

but which is better, pop groupies or science groupies?

-Science groupies by a mile.

-LAUGHTER

-What's the difference?

-Er, IQ.

LAUGHTER

What are the pop groupies like?

What happens on the road, stays on the road, Rob. LAUGHTER

-Ian Mann is in the audience. Where is Ian?

-I'm over here.

-Hello, Ian. Hello.

-Hello.

-Who is your question for?

-I have a question for Ray.

Basically, I'm a struggling actor who's starting off as an extra, like you did.

And I'm finding it difficult to break into the mainstream.

I was wondering if there was any way I could act with you so I could pop it on my CV.

Cheeky, I know.

-You want to, what, like, film a scene?

-Maybe do a scene. That would be amazing.

-Ray, what do you say?

-Yeah, all right. Come on, Ian.

-APPLAUSE

Here's what we're going to do, to make this simple. Right?

We're in a police cell.

-You've been arrested, what a surprise!

-LAUGHTER

Right? You've only got one line, Ray.

All your line is this...

"All right, I did it." OK?

And that's when you break and you confess to it. OK?

-So I've got to give in?

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

This is going to be tough, this is.

Pop yourself down. Now, make it good because he wants this for his showreel.

-He's very big, isn't he?

-He is a very big man.

-LAUGHTER

I'm going to stand over here. OK. Get ready.

And action!

-I hear you've been a very naughty boy!

-LAUGHTER

-OK. Let's stop there. Let's stop there.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-We are not making a porn film.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, we'll try it again. We'll try take two.

-Ray, I'm so sorry.

-LAUGHTER

-Take two. And action.

-What's been going on?

Come on. You can tell me.

Walk around the other side. Try him on the other side.

-Intimidate him.

-We've been in this position before.

-Whoa! I've warned you about that!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You know there's none of that.

Come on, you've got to break him, you've got to break him! Come on!

-Just admit it!

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

Admit what you've been doing, come on!

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-LAUGHTER

Come on, we've both had a tough day. We just want the confession!

-Have you been on this show before?

-LAUGHTER

-No.

-Come on, scare me!

-What's going on, come on, just admit it, man, admit it!

All right! All right! All right! I did it. I did it. I did it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ray, come and join us for a bow. Come on.

-Well done, son.

-Ready?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ian, fantastic! Thank you very much. Thank you, Ray.

-Pleasure.

APPLAUSE

Kelly, you're going to go and sing a cracking song for us.

-So if you want to go and get yourself ready.

-OK.

-Thank you.

And while he does that, please let's hear it again for Brian Cox and Ray Winstone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now, performing one of his classic hits, Dakota, Kelly Jones!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Thinking back, thinking of you

# Summertime, think it was June

# Yeah, I think it was June

# Laying back, head on the grass

# Chewing gum, having some laughs

# Yeah, having some laughs

# You made me feel like the one

# Made me feel like the one

# The one

# You made me feel like the one

# Made me feel like the one

# The one

# Drinking back, drinking for two

# Drinking with you

# When drinking was new

# Sleeping in the back of my car

# We never went far

# We didn't need to go far

# You made me feel like the one

# Made me feel like the one

# The one

# You made me feel like the one

# Made me feel like the one

# The one

BOTH: # I don't know where

# We are going now

# I don't know where

# We are going now

# Wake-up call, coffee and juice

# Remembering you

# What happened to you?

# I wonder if we'll meet again

# Talk about life since then

# Talk about why did it end?

# You made me feel like the one

# Made me feel like the one

# The one

# You made me feel like the one

# Made me feel like the one

# The one

BOTH: # I don't know where

# We are going now

# I don't know where

# We are going now

# So take a look at me now

# So take a look at me now

# Take a look at me now

# Take a look at me now

# Take a look at me now #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

Fantastic.

Brilliant. Fantastic, fellas.

-Kelly Jones!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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