Episode 1 Top Gear


Episode 1

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Tonight in new, serious Top Gear, James catches fire.

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Richard knocks something over.

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And I crash a Reliant Robin into a lamppost.

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Hello!

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Hello, we're back! We're back!

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We're back and we are...

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..more sensible than ever.

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Well, we're starting sensibly anyway, with this,

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the Bentley Continental GT.

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It's not my cup of tea, if I'm honest,

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but if you live in Cheshire and you have to travel great distances

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at high speed in drinks globe luxury it really is in a class of one.

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Now, however, there's a new version which is a bit different.

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It's called the Continental Supersports, and this is it.

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The fastest,

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most outlandish car Bentley has ever made.

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First of all, it's been lightened.

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The rear seat has been replaced with air.

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The sofas up front are now racing buckets trimmed in the Duke of Westminster's smoking jacket.

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And there is carbon fibre on the dash rather than walnut.

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The result is dramatic because that car weighs just two and a quarter tons,

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about the same as a three bedroom terraced house.

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Still, it's not like there isn't enough power to deal with the bulk.

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It has the same engine as before, a 6 litre twin turbo W12,

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but now it produces 621 horsepowers.

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The result is 0 to 60 in 3.7 seconds.

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God, that is 167, 168 and it's still pulling!

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Flat out, it will do 204 miles an hour,

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even if you fill the tank with Jerusalem artichokes.

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That engine has been designed to run on something called bioethanol, fuel made from plants.

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And if you use that rather than petrol the power output remains

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the same, but you get fewer carbon dioxides coming out of the back.

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Sounds wonderful, if you believe in this carbon malarkey,

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but there are a couple of drawbacks.

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First of all, there are 8,850 petrol stations in Britain, but only 20 of them sell bioethanol.

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And, secondly, when you're running on maize it's not what you'd call economical.

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Honestly, it gets through veg faster than Paul McCartney's ex.

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The Supersports, then, it's all much as you'd expect,

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very fast, very heavy and at speed about six miles to the gallon.

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But don't be fooled by the headlines.

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This is spooky.

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I've got an automatic gearbox and air conditioning, satellite navigation and it's very quiet.

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It's just like a normal Bentley, but look at the way it changes direction.

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This car is like an elephant with the reflexes of a water boatman.

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And if you're watching in Poland and you don't know what

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a water boatman is, it's like an Evo X, it really is.

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And if you're watching in Ethiopia and you don't know what an Evo X is,

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what I mean is it does things rather well. No, not well!

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Why did I say "well"? Oh, God.

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Then you have the brakes which can tear your face off.

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Ready, now!

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To make the Bentley a race track screamer it's been fitted with

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carbon ceramic discs, new suspension bushes and different anti roll bars.

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Though when I say different I mean, of course, enormous.

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They've also reprogrammed the four wheel drive system so that now most of the power goes to the back.

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Imagine then that if you mash the throttle into the carpets halfway around a corner

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it will spin up its rear wheels and hang its tail out like a small dog.

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Sorry, that was a dreadful simile, dogs don't have wheels.

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Unless they'd been in an accident.

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But here's the extraordinary thing, OK?

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It doesn't! Coming up to the Hammerhead going the wrong way,

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halfway round, foot hard down...

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..it doesn't! It just grips.

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Of course, you can make it misbehave if you go way too fast and poke it with a stick.

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But even if you do that the computer steps in,

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sends power to the front wheels and, bang, everything is sorted out!

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It is uncanny.

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It is a very impressive car, this.

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But I don't like it.

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What they've tried to do here

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is turn an ocean liner into a speedboat.

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And, yes, they have sort of pulled it off,

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but it still feels very big and very heavy. Oh dear!

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Whoa!

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So big and so heavy in fact that I believe it has just shredded its rear tyres.

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Oh ho!

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Oh dear! Now, I don't think that's legal any more,

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or safe.

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The upshot then is simple.

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If I wanted to spend £163,000 on a speedboat

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I'd buy something that was designed to be a speedboat in the first place.

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In short, I'd buy an Aston Martin DBS.

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Thank you very much.

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Really? You would have the Aston?

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Oh, yeah.

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No, it's more nimble, it's got two more seats,

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doesn't weigh the same as a church.

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-Doesn't eat its own shoes.

-No, this is the best car in the world.

-No, it isn't.

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Yes, it is. Anyway, we must now find out how fast

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the Wilmslow Express goes round our track

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and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

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Some say that his discharge is luminous...

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LAUGHTER

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..and that even as we speak he is appearing on the main stage

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at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition.

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LAUGHTER

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All we know is he's called The Stig.

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He's off! Note the flags there, Stig displaying his support for the Norwegian football team.

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I tried to explain they aren't actually in the World Cup, but this made him very angry.

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Here he is, first corner, looking nice.

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Yes!

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Interestingly, he's the only person in the world who

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likes the sound of the vuvuzela, because he invented it!

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There he is, round Chicago, very tidy for a big car.

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Now, Hammerhead. This should be astonishing.

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Oh no, it's exploded! It's rolled end over end!

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This is incredible! But Stig's out of the wreckage!

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He's dodging the naked waitresses and...he's on fire!

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He's now coming up to Gambon.

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No, no! He's taking his helmet off!

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It's her! Right round the tiger!

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He's just a shaken hands with Elvis and there he is, across the line!

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I don't believe that, the most exciting thing I've ever seen and some idiot at Television Centre

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cut to an advertisement for a stupid little Korean hatchback.

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It's a good job ITV didn't cover the moon landings. 10 foot. BEEP.

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Five foot. BEEP.

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# If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit... #

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Anyway, I have the time,

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and it did it in 1:24.9, which puts it there.

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And that's not bad, really, for a small moon.

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Anyway, now we must turn our attention to the Icelandic volcano because although it went on

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to become global news, the actual eruption itself started out quite

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small and that got us wondering how close could you get to it in a car.

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Now, obviously, this was a job for a rugged, outdoorsy sort of chap.

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Unfortunately, Jeremy was on holiday,

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so James went.

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It's very hard to drive across Iceland at the best of times.

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But luckily I had just the vehicle for the job.

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This looks exactly like the Toyota that Jeremy and I

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drove to the North Pole.

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More to the point, this has been to the North Pole with us,

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but you never saw it and it never got any of the glory

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because it was the one driven by the camera crew.

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After we got back from the Pole our car went off to a museum whereas this one was just left to rot.

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Today, though, I'm going to bring it back to life and give it one more mission.

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Wow, I never actually thought I'd be so pleased to see one of these again.

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This really brings it all back,

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the ice going on and on forever, the boulder field going on and on forever.

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I can hear Jeremy going on and on forever.

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Oh, God...

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No matter, my job is to turn this into the world's first volcano-proof car,

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which means a visit to Emil,

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the 4x4 genius who built it in the first place.

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I mean, what are the unique risks to volcano driving,

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apart from obviously being consumed by molten lava and burnt to a crisp?

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It depends on how close you want to get.

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Very close. As far as I can work out no-one's ever actually driven

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right up to the mouth of an active volcano in a car, so it's another Top Gear first if we can do it.

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Yeah.

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Some people claim you can walk on hot coals if you wet the bottom

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of your feet and I was just wondering, if there was some system

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of continuously wetting the tyres would it be possible to drive across the hot lava?

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If you don't fall through, possibly, yeah, if you drive fast.

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Emile didn't look very confident,

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but we set to work anyway...

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..and by the next morning, the volcano-buster was ready.

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I know I look a bit like a petty thief on my way home from some corrugated roof robbery

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at the allotment, but there's a very good reason for all of this.

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Their lava occasionally goes over an area of water and that

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causes an explosion throwing bits of lava and rock up into the air,

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so that's there to stop those lumps coming down and breaking the windscreen, or my head.

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We've also fitted our new and pioneering tyre cooling system.

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There's an oil drum on the back full of water and pipes feed the water to the tyres.

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Now, obviously, there's a risk of it freezing and we can't put antifreeze

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in the water because that pollutes the glacier, so we've added a dash of vodka.

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As I drove onto the glacier, I stopped to hook up with

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a volcanologist who couldn't get to the volcano because of the weather.

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And it's fantastically windy. I've never seen or felt a wind like it.

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Because of this storm that has been raging for the last few days, we haven't really been able to visit

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the area to see what's going on there.

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So at the moment, with this weather, in this white-out,

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really nobody knows what's happening.

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Exactly. Nobody can see.

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As night fell, the storm became worse.

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It was so bad that by morning, it had taken the lives of two locals.

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This is what we're seeing, or what we're not seeing, I should say.

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Visibility is probably less than 10m.

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We reckoned that as long as we could follow the car carrying Emil and the camera crew, we'd be OK.

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There it is. There he is.

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But we weren't.

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Oh, I've lost the tail lights.

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Wow, that's dark.

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Soon, we were completely lost.

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-Can you see any red lights?

-I don't see anything.

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Oh, cock.

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Right, we are now, effectively, driving on instruments.

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Outside the window is just... it's a complete sheet of white.

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There's a blizzard going.

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The windscreen itself is freezing up.

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The windscreen wipers have frozen up.

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It's quite unnerving.

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Eventually, I had to get out to unjam the wipers.

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-Ah!

-Oh, my God.

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Blinding.

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Look at that.

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-Good job.

-Argh!

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Argh.

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God, I've never known anything like that.

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I hadn't realised how strong that was, being in here.

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I could hardly stand up.

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We ploughed onwards until, at last, salvation.

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-Lights! Look, lights! There they are.

-Thank God.

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Eventually, the storm cleared and we arrived at

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our overnight stop, where we were greeted by a spectacular sight.

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-Wow, look at that!

-Beautiful.

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How far away is that?

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About one and a half kilometres.

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I can hear it, as well.

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It's like cannon fire.

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That's fantastic.

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Wow!

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The next morning, still with no idea how big this eruption would become, I dropped off the professor...

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Thanks for a ride.

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..and headed on alone, until at last I got my first close-up look at the volcano.

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God in heaven, look at that.

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Lava was spewing out at a temperature of 1,200 degrees centigrade,

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and right in front of my eyes, a brand-new part of the world was being created.

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It was now my job to test our volcano car by driving up to

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the crater and scooping up a fresh piece of landscape as a souvenir.

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And to help me with that, they've given me a garden trowel,

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on an extending pole, held on with sticky tape, and...

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..a bucket.

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And of course, I have my corrugated roof

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and I'm in the best off-road vehicle I've ever driven.

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So, piece of cake, really. Here we go.

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Does look quite angry.

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Oh, God, look at that.

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Even though I was driving on lava that had fallen days ago,

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it was still red hot, and the Top Gear vodka tyre cooling system was working overtime.

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Right, what I need is for a piece to land quite near me,

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and then I can reach out of the window and grab it.

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Ooh!

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Bravely, I decided that was far enough.

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Oh, my word.

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I don't know if you can see this but it's raining red-hot lumps.

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It's quite...

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God, that's hot.

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It was time to break out the lava scoop.

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Whoa! Bloody hellfire.

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Look at the size of that!

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A piece of that would do nicely.

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Whoa!

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Yes! Yes!

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It's still glowing slightly.

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Yay-hey!

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God, that's hot.

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Whoa!

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Oh, that's getting a bit frisky.

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In the excitement of bagging a souvenir, I'd stayed still for too long.

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We're on fire. Right, I'm off.

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With the tyres steaming, I beat a retreat from the volcano,

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clutching my brand-new piece of planet Earth.

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I claim you for Queen Elizabeth and Top Gear.

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And best of all, the unsung hero finally got the recognition it deserves.

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The news.

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Ferrari has broken the lap record of the Nurburgring for production cars with this, the 599XX.

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It did it in six minutes, 58 seconds.

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-Nurburgring?

-That's faster than than Clay Regazzoni's lap record in an F1 car.

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I know the track's a bit shorter now, but that is almost unbelievably fast.

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-For a road car. For a production car.

-That's incredible.

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It does have a six-litre V12 and 772 horsepower,

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and it costs £1.2 million.

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And, you can't actually have it.

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Well, unless you've got £1.2 million, obviously.

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No, you can buy it, and you own it, but then they don't let you have it,

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but they do let you drive it occasionally, if they feel like it.

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Can I just say, this was the actual photograph that Ferrari sent to us

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to show what the car looked like at the Nurburgring.

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Now, I'm not sure it's particularly brilliant. If we look at the graffiti on the track...

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-Hammond.

-Yes, a normal Nissan GTR costs, what, 60 grand?

-60 grand.

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OK. Well, this is the new one. It's the Spec V. V Spec GTR.

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That is £125,000, all of a sudden.

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-Yeah.

-Why is it £125,000?

-It's difficult to tell.

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It doesn't have more power than the normal car, but it does have something

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called a boost-control device. Basically, it's a button.

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When you press it, it spools up both the turbos and releases a sudden burst of more power!

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I just hope that button is mounted on top of the gear lever

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under like a little cage and you lift it and go, "Ohhh!"

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And then you've got to know the code word. And maybe two keys in the dash have to be turned simultaneously...

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-Like on a nuclear submarine?

-Yes, that's what I'm thinking!

-You turn...

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A mission from the president. It's a go. I want it, just for that button.

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-Yes.

-Because this is sensible Top Gear, I will say

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-it also comes with a very competitive three-year warranty.

-Yeah.

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Now, are there any girls here? Good.

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Don't ever faint in Holland.

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That would be my Top Gear top tip for the night.

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We've got some footage here, explains what I'm on about.

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Start of a race. There's the grid girl. Oh, she's gone a bit wobbly.

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And she's fainted. There you go.

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So you're thinking, "Poor girl." You're thinking, "Ooh, no - now she's lying on the track."

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So, as we can see, men in high-visibility jackets have come over to make sure she's OK.

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Or are they making sure she's OK?

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How do you...? Oh, put your hand on her bottom.

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-That's the ticket. That's what he's done.

-Checking for her pulse.

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Now let's hear what the driver's got to say.

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Get the girl off!

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That's a racing driver, isn't it? All over.

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Everybody, good news.

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CHEERING

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No, wait. It's better than you think.

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The new Dacia...Duster...

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LAUGHTER

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-IS coming to the UK.

-OK!

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That's great.

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APPLAUSE

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-That's great. Good.

-Now, for this new series of Top Gear, we have a new reasonably-priced car.

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I know, exciting. But it gave us a dilemma -

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what to do with the old one.

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Every year in Britain,

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over two million cars go to their deaths.

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And frankly, it's a pretty cold and clinical affair.

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Tyres are made into carpet underlay.

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Dashboards are melted down to make garden furniture.

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The once-sleek bodywork gets reincarnated as a washing machine.

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All in all, a lot of eco-worthiness but absolutely no emotion.

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And that's quite sad when you think about it.

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Because the car doesn't just carry people. It carries memories.

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Take this one, for example.

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It's an ancient Mazda 323 that will never go up the hill at Goodwood

0:25:140:25:19

or turn on a plinth at a motor show.

0:25:190:25:22

But it's been with the Lister family of Maidenhead for 23 years.

0:25:220:25:28

It took Mum to and from hospital when the kids were born.

0:25:280:25:31

It did years of school runs.

0:25:310:25:34

And when Daniel and Rachel turned 17, they learned to drive in it.

0:25:340:25:40

And then adopted it as their passport to teenage freedom.

0:25:400:25:45

Sadly, the Listers' 323 is soon to be scrapped.

0:25:450:25:51

And it makes you realise that when a car dies,

0:25:510:25:53

it should be treated like a death in the family.

0:25:530:25:57

And today we find ourselves in that very position.

0:25:590:26:02

Because it's time to say goodbye to a special member of the Top Gear family.

0:26:020:26:08

Our old reasonably priced car.

0:26:090:26:11

The Chevrolet Lacetti.

0:26:110:26:14

As a machine, it was never destined to set the automotive world alight.

0:26:140:26:19

But it's certainly got some memories.

0:26:190:26:23

Think of the real fear and exhilaration experienced by real-life celebrities in this car.

0:26:230:26:31

The celebrity sweat from celebrity bums in this seat.

0:26:310:26:36

What a life it's been.

0:26:360:26:39

But now, it's at the end of its useful life,

0:26:590:27:02

and because it's been such a hard life, we're not allowed to sell it.

0:27:020:27:07

So with regret, the Lacetti must die.

0:27:070:27:11

But the thought of it being crushed and recycled...

0:27:110:27:15

and these tyres - Michael Gambon's tyres - being turned into carpet underlay...

0:27:150:27:22

I'm sorry, no.

0:27:220:27:23

So instead, we've decided to give it a Viking burial.

0:27:230:27:29

These magnificent chimneys were built in 1969.

0:27:300:27:34

They're 550' high,

0:27:340:27:36

and they weigh 7,185 tonnes each.

0:27:360:27:41

Except today, they weigh a little bit more because each has been stuffed with 25 kilograms of nitroglycerine.

0:27:420:27:50

In a few minutes, that'll go boom, and these will come crashing down.

0:27:500:27:55

And in the process, they'll create a fitting tomb for our heroic little car.

0:27:550:28:02

I can see already this is the right thing to do.

0:28:020:28:05

If I were a reasonably priced car that had been driven round a television show's test track

0:28:050:28:10

hundreds of times by celebrities from all over the world, that is the way I would want to go.

0:28:100:28:15

I've never thought about it, but that is how I'd want to go.

0:28:150:28:18

With the assembled mourners looking resplendent in high-visibility jackets,

0:28:200:28:25

the funeral service was about to begin.

0:28:250:28:28

And there we are.

0:29:010:29:03

A dignified Viking burial.

0:29:030:29:05

Nearly!

0:29:050:29:07

You know, I can just see the nose of the car sticking out, which is pretty shoddy.

0:29:090:29:15

You're supposed to cover the whole body, that's the basics, you don't walk away with an arm

0:29:170:29:21

sticking out of the ground and say, that's that done!

0:29:210:29:25

You cover it all up.

0:29:250:29:27

Oh, my God.

0:29:300:29:32

You idiot!

0:29:360:29:37

What? How was I to know?

0:29:370:29:39

"I nearly buried it"? Nobody "nearly buries" anything!

0:29:410:29:45

Anyway, we are very sad to say goodbye to the Lacetti...

0:29:450:29:49

No, we're not, actually, we never really liked it.

0:29:490:29:52

It was rubbish, to be honest. Now it's time to unveil its replacement.

0:29:520:29:56

And here it is. Anybody want to guess what's under here?

0:29:560:29:59

A Lamborghini, no, it isn't, it's the same height as him, so it can't be a Lamborghini.

0:29:590:30:04

They just haven't got this at all, have they? Shall I just reveal?

0:30:040:30:07

-Are we ready? Here we go!

-This is the big moment!

0:30:070:30:11

It's a Kia!

0:30:120:30:14

Specifically...

0:30:160:30:17

Specifically...

0:30:170:30:20

the Kia...

0:30:200:30:23

the Kia cee'd,

0:30:230:30:25

-the only car in the world that actually has an apostrophe in its name.

-And what a machine it is.

0:30:250:30:32

It has a 1.6 litre engine,

0:30:320:30:34

which means it can go from 0-60 in a dazzling 10.4 seconds.

0:30:340:30:40

And it'll go on to a mind-boggling top speed of 119 miles an hour.

0:30:400:30:45

Engineered in Korea, built in Slovakia. Finished in brown.

0:30:450:30:51

It is on sale to you for an incredibly reasonable £14,000.

0:30:510:30:57

-That's amazingly reasonable.

-It is incredibly reasonable.

0:30:570:31:00

Astonishing. But there is one more issue, because new car means we've got a new lap time board.

0:31:000:31:06

We couldn't just invite a celebrity tonight, and ask them, "So!

0:31:060:31:09

"Where do you think you came on the board?"

0:31:090:31:11

because there's no other names on it. So we've thought of a way of getting lots of names on it all at once

0:31:110:31:16

by inviting lots of celebrities to an all-star celebrity summer barbecue festival event.

0:31:160:31:23

Since it was going to be a celebrity-packed day,

0:31:250:31:28

we arrived at the track good and early to sort out the catering.

0:31:280:31:32

I've got 32 sausages. That's going to be enough.

0:31:320:31:35

I've got a cauliflower for if a vegetarian comes.

0:31:350:31:37

With the barbecue lit, we turned our minds to the guest list.

0:31:370:31:41

Well, I've invited Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp...

0:31:410:31:44

-Oh, you invited Johnny as well?

-I invited Johnny Depp.

0:31:440:31:47

He's been invited twice, but he won't mind. I've invited her again.

0:31:470:31:52

Look, if you invite Angelina, she won't come.

0:31:520:31:54

-She will.

-No, she won't.

-We're bigger than ever. She will.

0:31:540:31:58

By 9am our spread was ready and we'd laid out a selection of toys to keep our A-listers entertained.

0:31:580:32:06

I can't give Harrison Ford this.

0:32:060:32:09

Do you think she saw when we went to Vietnam on those bikes?

0:32:090:32:12

No. She isn't coming.

0:32:120:32:15

-And she wasn't. Who's that?

-That's not Angelina.

0:32:160:32:20

I know who that is. Nick Robinson, BBC Political Editor.

0:32:200:32:24

-I knew that.

-Nick.

-Jeremy. How are you?

0:32:240:32:26

Nick was looking forward to driving our new reasonably priced car.

0:32:260:32:30

Over there, in brown, the Kia cee'd.

0:32:300:32:34

Now that is my sort of car.

0:32:340:32:36

-Dull, slow.

-But the Political Editor's start was far from slow.

0:32:360:32:42

TYRES SCREECH

0:32:420:32:44

Ooh, I like the smell of burning rubber. God, it's addictive!

0:32:460:32:50

It would've been polite to show an interest in Nick's lap.

0:32:500:32:53

Here we go! Don't brake!

0:32:530:32:56

But we got distracted by our next guest - Al Murray...

0:32:560:33:01

-Hi.

-Pickled cucumber?

-..who is my kind of guy.

0:33:010:33:03

My favourite medium tank of the war, T-34-85 with the larger calibre gun that could take on a tiger.

0:33:030:33:10

As Nick was on his hot lap, we should've paid attention.

0:33:100:33:14

-Not fifth, you

-BLEEP!

0:33:140:33:16

But sadly, we got distracted again.

0:33:160:33:18

Oh, I love it!

0:33:270:33:29

Just give me a news conference now. I tell you what, no politician is safe!

0:33:290:33:33

It was time to put the first ever result on the new board.

0:33:330:33:36

Here it is.

0:33:370:33:40

Nick Robinson, 1.499. First!

0:33:400:33:44

-You're the first!

-Amazing!

0:33:440:33:45

The fastest man ever to go round this track in that car.

0:33:450:33:49

As Al Murray roared off...

0:33:540:33:56

Turn, turn, turn, turn, you doughnut.

0:33:560:33:58

..tall Dragon Peter Jones arrived.

0:34:000:34:03

My day just immediately takes a downturn. No offence.

0:34:030:34:08

With the hellos over, Peter unleashed his killer instinct to win.

0:34:090:34:13

Wait a minute! You're supposed to let the other person...

0:34:150:34:19

How competitive. He's actually playing himself!

0:34:190:34:22

With the game over, we should've turned our attention to Al.

0:34:220:34:26

-Oh, yes!

-But at that moment, a Page 3 girl arrived.

0:34:260:34:32

-Peta, 23, from Essex.

-Hello, Jeremy Clarkson from Tops Gear.

0:34:320:34:35

-Tops Gear?! How are you?

-Very well.

-Come along.

0:34:350:34:37

-You're not Jewish, are you?

-I'm not, no.

0:34:370:34:39

Good. So we've got sausages and we've got bacon and everything.

0:34:390:34:44

Peta didn't fancy ham and sausages, or my vegetarian option.

0:34:440:34:50

So at last we turned our thoughts to Al...

0:34:500:34:52

..just as he crossed the finishing line.

0:34:540:34:56

One...

0:34:560:34:58

Yes. Thank goodness it's a one.

0:34:580:35:00

-40...

-Yes.

0:35:000:35:02

Ballpark.

0:35:020:35:04

Eight...point one.

0:35:040:35:06

You, sir, the fastest.

0:35:060:35:10

A fact that Al was keen to point out to Nick Robinson.

0:35:100:35:13

Whenever I see you on TV now I'm going to think, "Quicker than him".

0:35:130:35:16

Whatever your Downing Street analysis might be, you might know more about

0:35:160:35:21

the inner workings of the coalition, but I'm quicker than you.

0:35:210:35:26

As the competitive Dragon pounded round, we decided to spy on him.

0:35:260:35:31

He doesn't know we can see him.

0:35:310:35:34

# Come on baby, light my fire. #

0:35:340:35:36

Next to arrive was Johnny Vaughan.

0:35:390:35:41

-Vaughany!

-All right, Clarky.

0:35:410:35:43

Who as a former star in the car was keen to gen up on the cee'd.

0:35:430:35:48

We're talking 124 brake horse power.

0:35:480:35:51

What was the last one?

0:35:510:35:53

The last one was 119.

0:35:530:35:55

OK. So we're packing five more here.

0:35:550:35:57

Five more horses in the stable.

0:35:570:35:59

The competitive Dragon had finished his whole lap.

0:36:010:36:05

Whoo-hoo! Please tell me that was quick.

0:36:050:36:08

Now we would find out the difference between our old Chevy and the new Kia.

0:36:080:36:12

This is where all of South Korea is sitting and going, "Do we make a faster car than Chevrolet?"

0:36:120:36:18

Seriously, can we go toe-to-toe with the North across the bamboo curtain?

0:36:180:36:24

Where were you in the old car? 1.469.

0:36:240:36:27

You did it in one minute...

0:36:270:36:30

Oh, Jeremy.

0:36:300:36:32

-45.9.

-Yes!

0:36:340:36:37

-That's going to take some strangling, that.

-That's a second faster.

0:36:390:36:42

-As Peta, 23, from Essex hit the track...

-I cannot change gear.

0:36:460:36:49

..Hammond's dreams finally came true.

0:36:490:36:53

-Make-up does a lot.

-You might gain a few pounds on the telly, but it doesn't do that.

0:36:530:36:57

It does. It does. Get off!

0:36:570:36:59

-Cos when Angelina comes, if you've bent the badge, she'll be cross.

-You can't have it!

0:36:590:37:03

Out on the track, it was starting to get wet and slippery.

0:37:030:37:08

The chaps were desperately concerned for Peta's welfare.

0:37:080:37:12

-When does a gazebo become a tent?

-All right. This is not even a tent, is it?

-It is.

0:37:120:37:16

-It's a gazebo.

-No, it's not. It's not even that.

0:37:180:37:22

Despite the rain, Peta matched Nick Robinson's time.

0:37:220:37:26

Then Johnny Vaughan set off.

0:37:260:37:28

Ignore the weather.

0:37:280:37:30

To an inspiring soundtrack from Angelina.

0:37:300:37:33

Don't lose your bottle, don't lose your bottle.

0:37:380:37:40

Keep your foot down, keep your foot down, keep your foot down.

0:37:400:37:43

The weather got worse and worse.

0:37:460:37:50

-Whoa!

-Someone left a cake out in the rain.

0:37:500:37:53

This is where you've got to have balls. This is where it counts.

0:37:560:37:59

Meanwhile, I'd spotted our next guest.

0:37:590:38:02

Someone I'd first encountered on The Jonathan Ross Show.

0:38:020:38:06

Oh, my God!

0:38:060:38:07

-It's Angelina Jolie.

-No. Hammond, I've just remembered.

0:38:070:38:10

-It's June 10th, isn't it?

-Er, yes, it is.

-My wife's birthday.

0:38:100:38:15

-What, today?

-Yeah.

-You idiot.

0:38:150:38:18

-I'm going to, no, seriously, I'm going to go now, this second.

-What, now?!

0:38:180:38:22

This second and I'm going to get her a birthday present.

0:38:220:38:27

Next guest is here. He's brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

0:38:270:38:30

Real man's man, you know? I'll be back, I'll be back.

0:38:300:38:33

-So I'm looking after the...?

-Yes, yes.

-What's he called?

-Louie.

0:38:330:38:36

Where's Jeremy going?

0:38:360:38:39

-Oh, hello. All right?

-Hello.

-I'm Bill.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hello, Louie. You all right?

0:38:390:38:43

Louie seemed very friendly.

0:38:430:38:45

Oh, mind. You're getting dribbled there, darling. Just dribbling on you.

0:38:450:38:49

Yeah, it's dribbling on you.

0:38:490:38:51

Johnny was still out driving.

0:38:520:38:54

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

0:38:540:38:57

Bill went bird watching and that left me all alone with my new best friend.

0:38:570:39:02

-I'll be over here.

-I'm just having a little stretch just before I get in there. Try it.

0:39:080:39:12

-Do what?

-Flat back over and just stretch out your hamstrings.

0:39:120:39:16

-I'm, I've got a war wound from fighting a rugby player.

-No, no, no.

0:39:160:39:20

No, honestly, you'll be surprised.

0:39:200:39:22

With Jeremy still not back, the celebrities were getting more and more unruly.

0:39:220:39:30

-Bill, get off the track!

-What the

-BLEEP

-are you doing, Bill?

0:39:300:39:33

-The race track is no place for fancy cakes.

-Do you want something to eat?

0:39:330:39:36

All right. Custard cream if you're asking.

0:39:360:39:38

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

0:39:380:39:43

And side, two, three, four, catch, take it down, walk around, walk around.

0:39:430:39:47

Flip ball change, flip ball change, step turn, step turn, in and look.

0:39:470:39:52

Mercifully, I had to go and put Johnny's time on the lap board, but even that was stressful.

0:39:550:40:01

We knock five seconds off, or we add five seconds for a wet lap in our mind, so it's five seconds gone.

0:40:010:40:06

THEY DISAGREE

0:40:060:40:10

That's how it works!

0:40:100:40:12

'Worse, Johnny started giving advice to Louie.'

0:40:120:40:15

Watch your big end as you slide through Hammerhead.

0:40:150:40:17

Your back end will slide out if you don't get the purchase up there.

0:40:170:40:21

Also, watch your helmet against the steel bars.

0:40:210:40:24

'Clarkson finally got back.'

0:40:240:40:26

-Hammond!

-'Just as the fire was being put out.'

0:40:260:40:30

-Don't put the fire barbecue out!

-I wanted one of those sausages.

0:40:300:40:33

Louie, what have you done with the fireman who was in that jacket and helmet?

0:40:330:40:37

Have things not been going smoothly since I just...

0:40:370:40:40

-Yeah, yeah. It's gone well.

-Has it?

0:40:400:40:43

As Angelina wrestled with the Kia...

0:40:430:40:45

Turn! Turn... We get out of the turn with speed, yes, because speed is our friend.

0:40:450:40:50

..our next guest arrived.

0:40:500:40:52

Amy Williams, Britain's only gold medallist at the Winter Olympics.

0:40:520:40:58

What is it that's worrying you?

0:40:580:41:00

I'm quite scared and I'm worried that I'm just going to skid off course by trying to be too quick.

0:41:000:41:05

Wait a minute. You earned your notoriety

0:41:050:41:08

-from, let's be honest, skidding down a mountain at extremely high speed.

-Sophisticated skidding!

0:41:080:41:14

I think that was... Was it a crow? Or was it a raven?

0:41:170:41:20

In the celebrity gymnasium, I too was enjoying a spot of bird watching.

0:41:200:41:25

Take your arms up to the side.

0:41:250:41:28

-Squats.

-Meanwhile, Richard Hammond is with Louie Spence.

0:41:300:41:34

And you go flat out through there, and you come to a tight left here.

0:41:340:41:39

-Right.

-Quite a wide bit of the track there.

0:41:390:41:42

So I can just go back to the flat out but up here, this tight bit here?

0:41:420:41:46

You just go flat out through there, and then flat out round there.

0:41:460:41:51

So, why am I so tight up to the edge here?

0:41:510:41:53

As Jeremy tried to impress Amy...

0:41:530:41:57

I'm extremely fit. I don't think a lot of people realise that.

0:41:570:42:01

..Angelina was finishing her lap, confident that she'd beaten Johnny Vaughan.

0:42:010:42:05

Ha ha ha ha ha!

0:42:050:42:07

He was 1:53.3. You did it in 1:50.8.

0:42:070:42:13

-Oh ho ho!

-Now that...

-That's good.

0:42:130:42:17

..when Louie out on the track.

0:42:190:42:21

BLEEP! Where's that corner gone? There it is.

0:42:210:42:24

I wanted to say hello to Amy, but unfortunately she was still being monopolised.

0:42:240:42:31

I can do Congratulations, are you ready?

0:42:320:42:35

Yeah.

0:42:350:42:36

-Despite a few pirouettes...

-BLEEP!

0:42:440:42:47

..Louie finally banged in a lap.

0:42:470:42:50

You did it in 1:53.69.

0:42:520:42:58

Louie was very unhappy.

0:42:580:43:01

I gave a better show than Johnny.

0:43:010:43:02

I mean he took no chances.

0:43:020:43:04

-No chances at all!

-So I left him and Hammond to say a tender goodbye...

0:43:040:43:08

Can I have my helmet back now?

0:43:080:43:11

..and escorted Amy to the car.

0:43:110:43:14

OK, so, skeleton run, here we go. But in a car.

0:43:140:43:18

I was looking forward to watching her lap.

0:43:200:43:22

But Hammond kept shouting at me.

0:43:220:43:25

I've been running all of his.

0:43:250:43:27

I've been in charge of everything you see here.

0:43:270:43:30

This whole operation takes a lot of looking after.

0:43:300:43:32

-I've been back for hours.

-Standing on wobbling machine with a sports girl.

0:43:320:43:36

-Why can't I look after the girl?

-You can, but I'd like to have talked to her.

0:43:360:43:40

Maybe you could have talked to Louie for a couple of minutes?

0:43:400:43:43

I did! I said goodbye.

0:43:430:43:45

Out on the track, Amy was displaying all of the raw skill...

0:43:450:43:49

..that had won her a gold medal. In my mind, she was brilliant.

0:43:510:43:54

-Whoa!

-Watch, watch, watch.

0:43:580:44:01

-Clap.

-No.

0:44:070:44:09

Amy, you did it in...

0:44:090:44:12

Now, bear in mind we've got a 1:53.7, and a 1:50.8.

0:44:120:44:17

-These are the wet times.

-Yeah.

0:44:170:44:19

You did it in 1:50.9.

0:44:190:44:22

-So, you're there.

-I'm just disappointed about that.

0:44:240:44:27

I think I do have to come back and practise a little bit more.

0:44:270:44:30

I'd be delighted if you came back. Absolutely thrilled.

0:44:300:44:33

-When it's not raining.

-Maybe you could use a faster car?

0:44:330:44:36

Come back any time. Move in. Practise constantly.

0:44:360:44:38

With Amy gone, Jeremy decided there was no reason to stay.

0:44:380:44:44

So, I sat down to wait for the real Angelina.

0:44:470:44:53

Just give it another hour.

0:44:530:44:54

-She was so stunning. She is.

-Louie is a nice guy.

0:45:010:45:04

-Let me ask, let me ask. Did she turn up?

-Yep!

-Really?!

0:45:050:45:08

-No.

-No, I didn't think she would.

0:45:080:45:11

Anyway, I'd now like you to have a look at this motorcycle.

0:45:110:45:15

Now, I know it's not a motorcycle, OK? But the Government says it is.

0:45:150:45:20

They say that because it only has three wheels, it's not a car.

0:45:200:45:25

And as a result, you save £55 a year on your tax disc.

0:45:250:45:30

Now obviously, the best way of exploiting this loophole

0:45:300:45:33

is to take a wheel off your car and drive round on the other three,

0:45:330:45:36

but we don't recommend that.

0:45:360:45:38

So is there another way?

0:45:380:45:40

This is a Reliant Robin.

0:45:510:45:53

On the face of it, it's hard to see how it ever caught on.

0:45:540:45:59

Even though it was made from plastic rather than steel, it cost more when it was new than a Mini.

0:45:590:46:05

Catch on it did, though.

0:46:080:46:09

The American Embassy in London ran three as diplomatic cars.

0:46:090:46:13

Princess Anne had one.

0:46:130:46:15

Here in the North of England, it was such a hit that by the middle of

0:46:150:46:19

the 1970s, Reliant was the largest consumer of glass fibre in Europe.

0:46:190:46:25

Even to this day, this remains the second best

0:46:250:46:28

selling plastic car in history, after the Chevrolet Corvette.

0:46:280:46:34

Unlike other three-wheelers, the Reliant's single wheel was at the front rather than the back.

0:46:350:46:41

I've always been rather worried that this might have a profound effect

0:46:410:46:46

on the handling.

0:46:460:46:47

That's why I'm so scared about the challenge which has been set for me today.

0:46:510:46:55

I have to drive that car all the way from here, on the outskirts of Sheffield, to a pigeon loft here,

0:46:550:47:04

in Rotherham.

0:47:040:47:06

That's a distance of 14 miles.

0:47:060:47:10

On the way, there will be many perils such as roundabouts,

0:47:120:47:16

pedestrian crossings, pedestrians and traffic lights.

0:47:160:47:22

That's why I'm wearing a helmet.

0:47:240:47:27

It's also why I insisted the car was fitted with a four-point

0:47:270:47:29

safety harness, because I really genuinely believe that what I'm about to do is as dangerous as...

0:47:290:47:37

Inviting you mum round for an evening on Chat Roulette. Why?

0:47:370:47:41

Here we go. Reliant Robin.

0:47:460:47:48

Oh, no. I've crashed it. I've crashed it almost immediately.

0:47:560:48:00

I mean, literally, 20 feet.

0:48:000:48:03

I can't get out, obviously.

0:48:030:48:05

I'm completely stuck.

0:48:050:48:07

Luckily, people in the North of England are friendly and keen to help out.

0:48:070:48:13

Excuse me!

0:48:130:48:15

Excuse me...

0:48:170:48:19

Oh heavens, look who it is! It's Phil Oakey.

0:48:190:48:22

Do you think you can push me back on my wheels?

0:48:220:48:26

-Yeah, certainly.

-Thanks very much.

0:48:260:48:28

Thank you, so much.

0:48:310:48:33

-Thank you very much, Phil Oakey, out of the Human League!

-Pleasure.

0:48:350:48:39

I suppose as a Sheffield boy, Phil Oakey spent a lot of his youth

0:48:410:48:46

putting Robin Reliants back on their wheels.

0:48:460:48:50

When he wasn't rescuing waitresses from cocktail...

0:48:500:48:53

Oh! Help!

0:48:530:48:58

Again! Help!

0:48:580:49:01

Where's Martin Fry out of ABC when you need him?

0:49:010:49:05

That's a...useful feature.

0:49:090:49:12

In the early days, the Robin had a 750cc engine.

0:49:180:49:23

With 32 brake horse power on tap, 0-50 took 22 seconds. 0-60...

0:49:240:49:32

wasn't really possible.

0:49:320:49:34

In 1975 though, Reliant fitted an 850cc engine.

0:49:340:49:40

This improved the acceleration enormously.

0:49:400:49:44

But the consequences were catastrophic...

0:49:440:49:47

The lamppost!

0:49:540:49:56

The big engine increased the top speed too... It would now do 85.

0:49:560:50:02

That was catastrophic as well.

0:50:020:50:06

Not again!

0:50:090:50:11

Oh no! I'm 50 years old.

0:50:110:50:17

I'm on the side of a street in Sheffield.

0:50:170:50:20

Oh, is that the sound of somebody?

0:50:240:50:26

Hello? Peter Stringfellow!

0:50:260:50:30

Were you just walking by, or...

0:50:330:50:36

Nearly!

0:50:360:50:38

Yes!

0:50:380:50:40

Thank you so much, Peter Stringfellow out of lap dancing clubs.

0:50:400:50:43

-My pleasure.

-I can't thank you enough.

0:50:430:50:46

To try and understand why the Robin was so popular up north, I pulled over to chat to some enthusiasts.

0:50:490:50:56

-How do you drive a Reliant?

-Straight lines.

0:51:040:51:06

You don't go round roundabouts.

0:51:060:51:08

You get to it and you see where you're coming off, and you go straight across.

0:51:080:51:11

Try to avoid t'hill in t'middle.

0:51:110:51:14

-Cement on the passenger seat.

-Cement?

0:51:140:51:17

Sack of cement on t'passenger seat belt, helps the balance.

0:51:170:51:20

Why do you think Reliant owners have big tool boxes?

0:51:200:51:24

To weigh it down. I was going to say...

0:51:240:51:26

Your teeth, did you lose these in a Reliant accident?

0:51:260:51:29

You did, didn't you?

0:51:290:51:31

Why do you think, everybody, Reliants were so popular in t'North?

0:51:310:51:35

-The miners used them.

-But why? Because they were more expensive than Minis.

0:51:350:51:40

Because a lot of miners originally started with motorbikes, and they didn't have a full driving licence.

0:51:400:51:46

So to get out of t'weather in winter when it were absolutely siling it down,

0:51:460:51:51

-they bought a Reliant.

-So it was just because miners didn't have a driving licence?

0:51:510:51:56

Some of them. But other ones, also in t'winter, with them being light,

0:51:560:51:59

you'd get your normal car stuck in t'snow or whatever.

0:51:590:52:05

These just simply glide over top.

0:52:050:52:07

Until you get to a corner!

0:52:070:52:10

Well, long as you live somewhere with a straight line to t'pit.

0:52:100:52:13

Soon, I was back on my perilous journey.

0:52:170:52:21

In this, it feels like I'm driving through South Yorkshire in the 1970s, again.

0:52:210:52:27

I grew up not far from here, so did James May, for that matter.

0:52:290:52:33

When I were a lad round 'ere, all t'rich people, them as could

0:52:360:52:39

afford four wheels on the car, they all had Ladas.

0:52:390:52:43

Lah-de-dahs we called them. You didn't want to hit one of them,

0:52:430:52:48

I'll tell you that for nowt, they were built like tanks.

0:52:480:52:51

One of the best ways to protect your Robin was to lavish it with

0:52:530:52:56

an exotic paint job, such as this Starsky And Hutch homage.

0:52:560:53:03

The idea was that having spent many hours with the spray cans

0:53:030:53:07

and the masking tape, you'd drive more carefully.

0:53:070:53:10

But this didn't always work.

0:53:100:53:13

It really is a wonder how anyone in the North survived the 1970s.

0:53:200:53:25

Of course, a lot didn't.

0:53:250:53:28

In 1971, the population of Sheffield was 573,000.

0:53:280:53:34

Since then, it's dropped to just 513,000.

0:53:340:53:40

Some of the lost 60,000 moved south, of course.

0:53:400:53:47

But many, many, many more were wiped out by their three-wheelers.

0:53:470:53:52

Today, of course, most of the Robins are gone and people up here drive Kias and Hyundais instead.

0:53:570:54:04

This means the local TV news channel has to think of things

0:54:040:54:08

other than Reliant crashes to put in its bulletins.

0:54:080:54:12

To Braithwell in South Yorkshire and a blooming mystery that's baffling its green-fingered residents.

0:54:180:54:25

Harry is there for us. Harry, what's going on?

0:54:250:54:27

Welcome to beautiful Braithwell.

0:54:270:54:29

You can see the sun exploding on a kaleidoscope of colour.

0:54:290:54:33

I have to say, there has been a real area of controversy here, because over the last few days... My God!

0:54:330:54:37

-Are you all right, sir?

-I'm getting used to it now, thanks.

0:54:430:54:46

Thanks, very much.

0:54:460:54:48

If you could just pop me back on the wheels.

0:54:480:54:51

Thank you, so much.

0:54:530:54:55

-Thank you, Harry Grayson, out of Look North.

-Pleasure.

0:54:550:54:58

Thank you, so much.

0:54:580:55:00

The Reliant three-wheeler soldiered on until 2001,

0:55:140:55:18

but then with the mines gone, the customer base dried up.

0:55:180:55:22

And it was gone too.

0:55:220:55:24

I don't know why Jasper Carrot ever thought that this could be the basis for a joke.

0:55:240:55:31

I don't know why we all laughed at Del Boy's Reliant, because it wasn't funny.

0:55:310:55:37

It was a complete menace.

0:55:370:55:39

Oh, God!

0:55:470:55:50

Oh, dear.

0:55:500:55:52

Oh, dear. Look at the pitch.

0:55:520:55:54

I'm very glad I've put these safety things in.

0:55:540:55:58

That's marvellous, thank you. Oh yes, that's comfortable.

0:55:590:56:03

Thank you, very much. That's Dickie Bird MBE out of cricket umpiring here, he's not pleased.

0:56:030:56:08

It's a cricket match on here!

0:56:080:56:11

After this latest accident, I decided to see if there was

0:56:200:56:25

some way of correcting the car's flawed design.

0:56:250:56:28

I therefore found a workshop and cued the music.

0:56:280:56:33

Oh, God, I've driven into the inspection pit.

0:56:370:56:40

Soon though, the car was out, and we set to work.

0:56:400:56:45

What staggers me most of all is that the Reliant was engineered and built

0:56:530:56:57

in Tamworth in Staffordshire, and Tamworth over the years has produced many, many brilliant men.

0:56:570:57:04

It was a Tamworth man who captured one of the Enigma coding machines from the Germans in the war.

0:57:040:57:09

It's a Tamworth man who fronts The Teardrop Explodes.

0:57:090:57:14

I mean, how many more do you want?

0:57:140:57:17

So, how come no one in this town of excellence was able to see

0:57:170:57:22

that the Reliant could be fixed in a trifle?

0:57:220:57:26

How brilliant is this?

0:57:310:57:34

It's still a three-wheeler.

0:57:340:57:36

You still only pay motorcycle tax, but now,

0:57:360:57:39

thanks to these stabilisers...

0:57:390:57:41

it can't roll over any more.

0:57:410:57:44

I only had six miles of the journey left.

0:57:510:57:54

But with my new anti-capsize solution in place,

0:57:540:57:57

I knew nothing could go wrong.

0:57:570:58:00

And I knew that right up to the moment...

0:58:010:58:04

when it did.

0:58:040:58:06

Oh, my God!

0:58:060:58:07

Oh, no!

0:58:070:58:09

APPLAUSE

0:58:200:58:23

Neck broken, and drowned.

0:58:230:58:25

APPLAUSE

0:58:250:58:28

So...

0:58:280:58:30

You can save £55 off your annual motoring costs?

0:58:300:58:34

Yes, you can.

0:58:340:58:35

But you will be killed doing it?

0:58:350:58:37

Yes, you will.

0:58:370:58:38

And on that bombshell, it is time to end what I think has been a very serious show.

0:58:380:58:42

I think we should congratulate ourselves on that.

0:58:420:58:45

Very good work, well done.

0:58:450:58:46

We'll see you next week for more sensible buying advice.

0:58:460:58:49

Thank you so much for watching and do please remember, drive safely.

0:58:490:58:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:59:120:59:16

E-mail [email protected]

0:59:160:59:20

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