Episode 2 Top Gear


Episode 2

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May attempt to find a trio of cars which are equally at home on the racetrack as they are transporting a family to the shops.


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Transcript


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Tonight, James gets wet.

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An actual or spin doctor on our track.

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And the Stig laps a Reliant Robin.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

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Hello. Good evening. Hello.

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Now...

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Now, as we know, as we know, track days these days are very popular.

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The idea is that you drive your own car to a race circuit,

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wearing some horrible branded shirt...

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LAUGHTER

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Like, for example, this one.

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And then you drive around as fast as possible all day and then you go home.

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Today, track days are such big business

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you can even buy specialised track day cars like this KTM Crossbow.

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Thing is, this costs £45,000, which is a lot,

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especially as you can't exactly take the kids to school in it.

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No, so, to address this, the producers gave us each a budget of £5,000, and they told us to buy

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four-door saloons that could be used every day but that would also be good on a track day.

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And because the challenges they had in mind were quite serious,

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they told us to meet up in the world's the least amusing city.

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Yup, it was Berlin.

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I was the first to arrive, and as you would imagine,

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I had done everything properly.

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This is a Mercedes 190 Cosworth

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and Martin Brundle, the former Formula One driver,

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said that this car had one of the best chassis ever fitted to a four-door saloon.

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It is, if you like, the thinking man's BMW M3.

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Talking of which...

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-Hammond.

-Oh, yeah. Take a look.

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-Yes.

-BMW M3, 3.2 litres.

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So you've bought the wrong one.

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No, I haven't, because the original one is now considered a classic.

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So you can't get a good one for less than 15,000.

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This, the series two of the M3, is bigger, faster and better.

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-So this is the famous Mercedes 190.

-It is.

-2.3.

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-Cosworth.

-Known for being the slowest performance car of all time.

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At that moment we were interrupted by the arrival of Clarkson.

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Predictable, predictable...

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For good reason.

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The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is cos you forgot about it.

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No. It's because when you think of high-performance four-door saloons you naturally think of Germany.

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-It's what they do here.

-Exactly.

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And where was yours made?

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Well, it was designed by a man called Uwe Bahnsen, who is German.

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-And where was it built?

-Belgium.

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-Ah, Belgium, the mecca for the performance motorist.

-Yeah.

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Belgium is home to everything. Tennis players, chips...

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It's not the first place you think of going for a performance saloon car!

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You two are going to lose this and you will end up in ze cooler...

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'At that moment, a challenge arrived.'

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Oh, hello. Thank you.

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-"You will now leave Berlin, and head down an unrestricted autobahn."

-Good.

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"Points will be awarded for every mph more than 130 that you can or, should we say, dare achieve."

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Still won't be out of second gear when they're going down...

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-What's the top speed?

-Top speed of that?

-Yeah.

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151.

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Mine had to be LIMITED to 155.

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This is when they introduced limiting.

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They realised it's too fast. It's a monster.

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-Fair enough, because this had the six cylinder engine, 3.2 litre.

-It did.

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-James, I seem to remember this was not that fast.

-No.

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-What was its top speed?

-143.

-143?!

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So not really a performance car.

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But I reckon mine will still do that because it is a Mercedes...

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-What?

-Oh, my God!

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Ah, the interior, yeah.

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-Have you seen the inside of his car?

-Toffee and caramel, that interior is.

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It's not! Oh, and he's gone for the fake wood door-pull.

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-That's a quality touch.

-Right, we've got to get out of Berlin.

-OK.

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What's that?

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-I don't know.

-Wasn't there this morning.

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You don't think it fell out of James' luggage, do you?

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-HE LAUGHS

-Fell out of my what? I missed that.

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Ooh, yes. Straight six.

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That's a proper engine.

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This is the Wall.

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What this car has, that the other two cars don't have, is a dog-leg first gear. I should explain this.

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Normally, first gear is away from you and forwards

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but here it is away from you and backwards.

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That means that second and third and then fourth and fifth are in straight lines,

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which is what you want for racing,

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so that is a sign that this car has a proper motor sport pedigree.

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You have to remember that in the late '80s, early '90s,

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the Germans were all drunk, running around celebrating the fall of the Berlin Wall.

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And that showed in the sloppiness of the cars they were making.

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The Belgians, on the other hand, they never have anything to celebrate.

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They just get up, go to work and do a good job, as we can see here.

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Those are his reversing lights.

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-Oh,

-BLEEP!

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James, what was that?

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Er, nothing.

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Look, I've had 30 years of it being left and forward.

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It's a difficult habit to get out of.

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HE CHUCKLES

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On the outskirts of Berlin, we pulled over so our cars could be fitted

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with super-accurate speedometers.

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And then we hit the autobahn, to see which one was the fastest.

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Right, for Belgium!

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Two-litre. 16-valve. Massive turbo.

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5,000rpm.

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5,500. Into fifth.

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120.

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Come on, come on!

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125.

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6, 7...

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Ooh, it's pulling to the right.

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Gone floaty.

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128... 9.

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Come on, let's have 130!

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Traffic.

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Lot of trucks. A lot of trucks.

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117.

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121.

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Feeling good.

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128...

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132.

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135. Traffic.

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Oh, God!

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Clocked now at 114.

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Concentrate.

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122. A bit of a weave.

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Oh, bloody lorry.

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Achtung! Schnell! Schnell!

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It turned out that while you're allowed to reach the top speed of your car

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on the autobahn, it's not easy.

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You get these German trucks... Yes, look, he's doing it. He's doing it.

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You just get these East German trucks and they just pull out when they want to pull out.

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Eventually, though, the traffic did thin.

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So we went for another run.

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Here we go, again!

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Don't pull out.

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Do not pull out.

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132...

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3, 4, 5...

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Go! Come on!

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136.

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Smelling pretty bad.

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Smelling pretty bad.

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138... 9...

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140 miles an hour!

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Oh, yes!

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Engine temperature's shooting up.

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Well, that was 142mph.

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'Not bad for a 21 year-old Ford.'

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Woo!

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135, yes!

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Give me 140! Give me 140!

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There it is.

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'Just three more miles per hour and the German Cosworth would beat the Belgian Cosworth.'

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Come on, come, come on.

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It's not going to do it. Sorry.

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I did my best.

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'Now, watch and learn.'

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Come on now, come on now, come on now.

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138.

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144...

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47. 48...

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49.

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50...

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152!

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Traffic. Slowing.

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This thing will do 155 pretty easily. I've just hit traffic every time.

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Yeah, yeah... This will do 180.

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It will!

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'With round one going to the BMW, we pulled over in the next town and were given another challenge.'

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"So far, we've established the speed your cars can go.

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"To see how practical they are, for the next bit of the journey,

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"you'll take it in turns to carry some passengers."

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That's all right.

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As it turned out, it wasn't all right.

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OOMPAH BAND PLAYS

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If we do crash, it will take some explaining.

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Come on. I'm the tallest thing here.

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It's not as bad as you'd think, actually.

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-I'm trying to be killed by lightning.

-What?

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-I'm trying to be killed by lightning.

-Sorry?

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-Are you deaf?

-Sorry?

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In you go.

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'Sadly, I wasn't killed by lightning, so I went next.'

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Oh... I might just move these.

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It's my light reading over here.

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OOMPAH BAND PLAYS

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'Almost immediately, I realised that there WAS enough space in the back

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'and that the rear suspension was coping fine.

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'So, I decided to pull over as quickly as possible...'

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Kill me.

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'..and handed the band over to James.'

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-Ready, James?

-Ja.

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Forwards!

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-Scheisse.

-HE LAUGHS

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'After a while, it became apparent James wasn't coming back.'

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BAND CONTINUES PLAYING

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Oh, hello.

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This looks like trouble.

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'While waiting for the Mercedes to cool down,

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'we asked the oompah band which car they thought was the most spacious.'

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-Is it the Mercedes?

-No.

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Definitely not the Mercedes. What about the BMW?

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It's the best.

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-Ha-ha! You see? You see?

-It's our favourite.

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Why?! It's smaller than the Ford.

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It's coming from Bavaria, like us.

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It isn't the test of where are they from!

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This is just racism against the Belgians.

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Listen, their decision is final.

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They decide it won the.... What are we calling it - the oompah test?

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-The oompah test.

-It won fair and square.

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-Because it's Bavarian.

-It won!

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OOMPAH BAND RESUMES PLAYING

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Thank you for nothing.

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Absolutely nothing.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That's ridiculous.

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-The judges' decision is final.

-Saying...

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Saying the BMW's the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria...

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that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter?"

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-"It's Richard Hammond cos he's from Birmingham."

-No, it's not!

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"Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his mum's curtains."

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It really is the most spacious car. That's a fact and that's the judges' decision. Live with it.

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Stop bleating, let us do the news.

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-Yeah.

-Actually, I want to start on a serious note, if I may, with the news, because, as we know,

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for many years, we've been told that Wayne Rooney is the light and the path to righteousness,

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and we must emulate his lifestyle, and indeed the lifestyle of his lovely wife, Coleen.

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Now of course, we realise he is a lazy, talentless jug-eared oaf.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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-APPLAUSE

-Well, he is.

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-That's quite strong.

-Strong but true.

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I'm now hoping this means an end to the Rooney-fication of Britain.

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Exhibit A, the Range Rover, OK? This was the old model.

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Note the plain, sensible front end,

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-just some headlights to see where you're going.

-Its noble.

-It's noble.

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As dignified as a rolled umbrella.

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Now look what they've done to it.

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-Look at this. Honest. This is the new one.

-What is it?

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How much bling can you get on the front...?

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Look at all the fiddly headlamps and all this business going on!

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I'm surprised it doesn't have studs in its ears, here.

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They have literally ruined it.

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Now, listen, I am aware, of course, that there is a demand for a car

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that looks like this, because I know there's such a place as Cheshire.

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And I don't mind if they make this...Range Rover Rooney edition.

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They could just call it the Range Rooney.

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No, no - the Wayne Wover.

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-LAUGHTER

-These are good names. These are good names.

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But all I'm asking is please can everybody else,

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ordinary decent people, have the old one back, please?

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I have to say I agree with you.

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There needs to be a version of the new Range Rover

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that isn't for people who want to celebrate the life and work of a potato-faced shopping enthusiast.

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-We want the old one back.

-We do.

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At the end of last week's programme, this appeared. This is called the end board.

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This is what you see every week at the end of every programme.

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Except for Top Gear. Look -

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MMXX.

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That's 2020.

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This is the only programme coming from ten years in the future.

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Anyway, the point is, OK, there's a new car come out.

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It's called the Night XV. I've got a picture of it here. OK, now...

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XV. What's that?

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That's 207, in Roman numerals.

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-No...93.

-Yeah, something like that.

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No, it's 207, definitely. Let me talk you through it, OK?

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£650,000.

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For that you get internet connectivity, you get DVD, TV, a cigar humidor...

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And according to one report, it can resist gunfire for 24 hours.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know what? I think if I was shooting at someone, I'd get sort of bored after about four hours.

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-I think the police would have arrived by four hours, personally.

-But, forgive me, it is a car.

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You'd kind of drive off before then.

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After an hour, you'd think, "They're not changing their minds. I'm going."

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He is still shooting at me.

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And the other thing, as well, is it's made in Canada.

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Who in Canada could do...? Are you Canadian?

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-Yeah!

-Yeah!

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Whatever happens in Canada that would cause somebody

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to shoot at somebody else for 24 hours?

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The other thing as well is if you are shooting at it, it's not likely you're going to miss,

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because here's a picture of it next to a Hummer.

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Look at the size of it! It is massive. Absolutely unbelievable.

0:16:560:17:00

So that's Canada's answer to the motor industry there.

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Now, I don't know if any of you were watching last week,

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but I had several accidents in a Reliant Robin.

0:17:080:17:11

Which has generated a sizable postbag.

0:17:110:17:14

I've got some of the letters here. Let me just read you this one, OK?

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It says, "Dear Top Gear, the only reason why Mr So-called Clarkson was killed

0:17:180:17:23

"is because he wasn't driving it properly.

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"I bet if the Stig drove it, he'd be fine."

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Tell you what, let's find out.

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-I'm betting he rolls that over.

-No, this is the Stig.

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The only thing that's ever defeated him was...

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He will not be able to do a lap in that car without rolling over. I guarantee it.

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He'll use his special Stiggy powers.

0:17:440:17:46

-Coming up to the first corner now.

-Perfect.

-Absolutely fine.

0:17:460:17:50

And... So he's made...

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Oh no, he hasn't.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Told you. I told you.

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There are more letters. Here's one that caught my eye.

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"Dear Top so-called Gear, why didn't you use a Isetta Bubble Car instead?"

0:18:040:18:08

It's a good point. Why didn't you?

0:18:080:18:11

I've got one here - one wheel at the back, two at the front.

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It's a more stable three-wheeler configuration.

0:18:140:18:16

Yeah. But this has another problem.

0:18:160:18:19

-What problem?

-Well, why don't you fire it up, mate?

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The 300cc engine bursting into life.

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Now, if you could drive into our imaginary garage over here, that would be lovely.

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Oh, look. He hasn't fallen over. Still hasn't fallen over.

0:18:300:18:33

It's much better already.

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Just wait, Hammond. Here we go.

0:18:350:18:37

OK, all the way into the garage, please, mate. All the way in.

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You've got a foot to go. Six inches. There you go. Marvellous.

0:18:390:18:43

It hasn't fallen over. It's much better.

0:18:430:18:45

OK. Now, if you'd like to get out...

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LAUGHTER

0:18:480:18:49

-Oh, yeah.

-I see your point. The door's at the front.

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-You'll have to back it up, mate.

-Yeah, go on - reverse.

-OK. Where is reverse?

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Hasn't got one.

0:18:570:18:59

-LAUGHTER Really?

-No.

0:18:590:19:01

So how does he get out?

0:19:010:19:03

Well, this is the thing. Honestly, if you think about it...

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If you don't listen...

0:19:070:19:08

James, stop fingering the studio.

0:19:080:19:12

The thing is, OK, that if you had one of these cars,

0:19:120:19:14

you got home like this, you got stuck in your garage, there were two problems.

0:19:140:19:18

You couldn't call inside your house for your wife or girlfriend

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to come and rescue you, because it was the 1950s and the mobile telephone hadn't been invented.

0:19:210:19:27

And of course, if you had a car like this, you wouldn't have a wife or a girlfriend.

0:19:270:19:32

Very funny. Could you push me out now, please?

0:19:320:19:35

-What?

-Would you give me a push?

-Me push you out?

-Push you out...

0:19:350:19:38

-Er...

-Can we...?

0:19:380:19:40

-Sorry, what was the question?

-We could either push him out or...

-Not do that.

-Not do that.

0:19:400:19:45

-Can we push him out? Ah...

-I think no.

0:19:450:19:48

-I'm coming down in favour of no as well.

-Sorry, James.

0:19:480:19:51

-It's a no, sorry.

-It's a unanimous no. See you, mate.

-Sorry.

0:19:510:19:54

Right, well, let's move it on, to this.

0:19:540:19:58

To that, actually, over there.

0:19:580:20:00

That is a Porsche 911.

0:20:000:20:04

And one way or another, that has been with us for about 1,000 years.

0:20:040:20:09

Now, though, they've brought out a sort of greatest hits version.

0:20:090:20:13

Here it is.

0:20:150:20:17

Porsche call is the Sport Classic.

0:20:170:20:20

But I prefer to think of it as "Now That's What I Call The Best Of The 911...

0:20:200:20:26

"Volume One."

0:20:260:20:28

These duck-tail spoiler was originally a hit for the 1973 Carrera 2.7 RS.

0:20:280:20:35

The black headlamp surrounds were first recorded by the 1974 Turbo RSR.

0:20:350:20:41

The Fuchs alloys are a cover version of the ones first seen on the 1966 911S.

0:20:430:20:50

And the wide-body rear arches are from today's Carrera 4.

0:20:500:20:54

Anyway, that's enough band analogies.

0:20:580:21:00

Let's see if this thing is as good as it was before Peter Gabriel left Genesis.

0:21:000:21:04

Starting, if we must, with how fast it will go.

0:21:040:21:09

You get 22 more horsepower than you do in a standard Carrera S.

0:21:120:21:17

That means 0-60 in 4.6 seconds.

0:21:170:21:21

Top speed 188.

0:21:210:21:24

And I suppose that means I've got to go and do it.

0:21:240:21:28

Argh!

0:21:380:21:40

So, it's very fast, very good-looking,

0:21:500:21:54

and surprisingly soft and comfortable,

0:21:540:21:57

but there is a problem.

0:21:570:21:59

It's £140,000 -

0:21:590:22:02

twice what a normal Carrera S costs.

0:22:020:22:05

And they've only made 250 of them.

0:22:050:22:08

And you can't buy one, because they've all been sold.

0:22:080:22:11

So let's move on to a Porsche you can buy...

0:22:140:22:17

..the new Boxster Spyder.

0:22:210:22:24

Porsche say this harks back to the lightweight models

0:22:240:22:27

James Dean was driving in the '50s.

0:22:270:22:29

But frankly, that's a bit of marketing cobblers.

0:22:290:22:33

He was a rebel without an airbag.

0:22:330:22:36

This does have an airbag.

0:22:370:22:40

But that's about it.

0:22:400:22:42

It's 80kg lighter than the standard Boxster, thanks to aluminium doors,

0:22:420:22:47

aluminium engine cover, super-light wheels and carbon-fibre seats.

0:22:470:22:54

There's more, or rather, less.

0:22:580:23:00

There is no standard air-con.

0:23:000:23:03

The door handles have been replaced by these little bits of rag

0:23:030:23:07

and they've even ditched the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instruments.

0:23:070:23:11

What Porsche do is, they leave a lot of things that you should get on a Boxster on a shelf in the factory

0:23:110:23:17

and then they charge you more for not giving them to you.

0:23:170:23:21

This car costs £46,000.

0:23:230:23:26

That's 5,000 more than the standard car

0:23:260:23:28

and you get less in return.

0:23:280:23:30

Or do you?

0:23:300:23:33

The 3.4 litre flat 6 now has 320 horsepower, 10 more than the standard Boxsters.

0:23:330:23:41

And because it's lighter, 0-60 is done in just five seconds.

0:23:430:23:49

Top speed?

0:23:560:23:57

166.

0:23:570:23:59

I've owned the standard Boxster S for the last four years

0:24:010:24:04

and I can promise you, this is better.

0:24:040:24:07

It's more eager.

0:24:110:24:13

It's bloody excellent.

0:24:130:24:15

Hee-hee-hee!

0:24:190:24:20

But all this stripped back Spyder stuff does have its drawbacks.

0:24:220:24:26

What if you're driving along with the roof down and, suddenly, it starts to rain?

0:24:260:24:32

Exactly. What a remarkable coincidence.

0:24:330:24:35

Oh no, I need to erect the top tent.

0:24:350:24:38

What you do is, you open the boot.

0:24:380:24:43

You take out this piece, which is called the sun shield.

0:24:430:24:48

You get in the car, you attach it at the front first.

0:24:480:24:51

Ah!

0:24:510:24:53

Like that...

0:24:540:24:56

Then... You get that bit behind you.

0:24:560:25:01

Hang on.

0:25:030:25:05

And then the other end of the same wire goes on this special clamp

0:25:060:25:11

and then these two bits clip on to there...

0:25:110:25:16

Oh...

0:25:160:25:17

'It was a nightmare. But I got it finished just as the "rain" stopped.

0:25:170:25:22

Top speed is now reduced from 166 to 126

0:25:260:25:30

because any faster than that and the sky tent blows off.

0:25:300:25:34

Frankly, I couldn't care less.

0:25:340:25:36

Because the way this car feels is so much more important than the top speed.

0:25:360:25:42

This is a really happy car.

0:25:420:25:43

It's full of vibrant energy and enthusiasm.

0:25:430:25:46

It's a bit like one of those really stupid dogs.

0:25:460:25:49

I bet if you threw a ball it would chase after it.

0:25:490:25:51

And it's having a bit of an effect on me because to be honest,

0:25:520:25:56

I have started behaving a bit like the other two idiots.

0:25:560:25:59

The really amazing thing is, in a car as lithe and nimble as this, I can.

0:26:010:26:07

I've said before that some cars give me a strange fizzing sensation inside and this one really does.

0:26:100:26:17

I'm fizzing massively here.

0:26:170:26:19

I'm fizzing fit to burst. Nurse!

0:26:190:26:22

That's actually a spin, but never mind.

0:26:250:26:27

Never mind, indeed.

0:26:290:26:31

What Porsche has done is take one of the most practical everyday sports cars you can buy

0:26:310:26:36

and turned it into a simple indulgence.

0:26:360:26:39

And by making it simple they've made it simply brilliant.

0:26:420:26:45

APPLAUSE

0:26:490:26:51

He will be disappointed.

0:26:550:26:57

It is a shame James isn't here because I didn't agree with everything he said then.

0:26:570:27:02

It's a shame he's not here to stand up, but never mind, will carry on without him.

0:27:020:27:07

Start with this, the Sport Classic.

0:27:070:27:09

It's a fabulous looking thing. It's a fabulous car, actually.

0:27:090:27:12

But the price! What I think happened here is, they started off with a price and then tried to justify it.

0:27:120:27:18

No, I'm sorry, it is a pretty thing, but this is worse.

0:27:180:27:21

This really is worse.

0:27:210:27:23

An umbrella, no door handles. Honestly.

0:27:230:27:26

So, I guess there's no point putting that round the track because you can't buy it.

0:27:260:27:31

We'll just put this stupid thing round.

0:27:310:27:33

-I'll have to do the commentary, obviously.

-Oi!

0:27:330:27:37

While it's driven by our tame racing driver.

0:27:370:27:41

Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned

0:27:410:27:46

from the Northampton branch of Little Chef.

0:27:460:27:49

LAUGHTER

0:27:490:27:51

And that his favourite airline pilot is Mark Webber.

0:27:510:27:55

LAUGHTER

0:27:550:27:57

Me too, actually. All we know, of course, it's the Stig!

0:27:570:28:01

Oh no, he's facing the wrong direction.

0:28:010:28:04

Of course, it's a Boxster - both ends look exactly the same.

0:28:040:28:08

Off now, slowly, to the first corner.

0:28:080:28:12

Just slowly driving through it really,

0:28:120:28:14

in a not very interesting way.

0:28:140:28:16

Nothing interesting at all to report there.

0:28:160:28:19

VUVUZELAS BLARE

0:28:190:28:23

Stig, still enjoying his new CD, Vuvuzela Moods.

0:28:230:28:27

I should add that this is made possible

0:28:270:28:29

because Porsche has very kindly reinstated the stereo they normally charge you £5,000 to remove.

0:28:290:28:35

Plodding through the Hammerhead now in the manner of a car that only a complete idiot would like.

0:28:350:28:41

Little known fact, this is also the noise Stig makes when he wants to attract a mate.

0:28:470:28:53

Follow through, past some tyres.

0:28:530:28:55

Wish I'd brought a magazine to read while waiting for this stupid thing to haul its way round.

0:28:550:29:02

Not very interesting there, sort of sliding there, and across the finish.

0:29:020:29:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:070:29:09

-I don't mind that. don't like that.

-I have the time here

0:29:120:29:16

for a Boxster Spyder and it did it in

0:29:160:29:19

1:24.9 which actually isn't bad at all.

0:29:190:29:23

-That puts it right up there.

-No, not interested in that at all. Let's put

0:29:230:29:27

a star in our brand-new reasonably priced car.

0:29:270:29:30

Now, my guest tonight began his career

0:29:300:29:33

writing pornographical stories for a gentlemen's magazine.

0:29:330:29:38

He then went on to be communications director for Tony Blair

0:29:380:29:42

and Gordon Brown, so he spent most of his adult life working with...

0:29:420:29:47

penises.

0:29:470:29:48

LAUGHTER

0:29:480:29:49

Ladies and gentlemen, Alastair Campbell!

0:29:490:29:53

-How are you?

-All right.

0:29:550:29:58

BOOING

0:29:580:30:01

Go on then, go on then!

0:30:010:30:03

Two of the best people.

0:30:040:30:06

-Well, you've come in to the den of lions here.

-Yeah, they're all right!

0:30:060:30:11

You don't know yet. It is tricky, I have to be honest,

0:30:110:30:14

thinking about how this interview might go.

0:30:140:30:17

-Me, you...

-Yeah.

-..left, right.

0:30:170:30:19

Not necessarily right.

0:30:190:30:21

Wrong.

0:30:210:30:23

-LAUGHTER

-The thing is, I don't believe

0:30:230:30:25

what I write any more than you believe what you say.

0:30:250:30:28

-So...

-LAUGHTER

0:30:280:30:30

..interesting sitting here. We've got to do this interview

0:30:300:30:33

and, at some point, we've got to get to the lap

0:30:330:30:36

which is all cheery.

0:30:360:30:38

I prepared some questions that I hope aren't too contentious.

0:30:380:30:41

OK, I thought you would.

0:30:410:30:43

A lot of work gone into these.

0:30:430:30:45

Good.

0:30:450:30:46

What is your favourite colour?

0:30:460:30:48

LAUGHTER

0:30:480:30:50

I've got two. Claret and blue.

0:30:500:30:54

Blue? I wasn't expecting blue.

0:30:540:30:56

Burnley Football Club.

0:30:560:30:58

-Burnley? I'm fascinated by your love of, erm, football.

-Mm-hm.

0:30:580:31:03

-Because you're a Yorkshireman but you support Burnley.

-Yup.

0:31:030:31:06

Isn't that a bit like, I don't know,

0:31:060:31:08

going to an Oxbridge college and then joining the Labour Party?

0:31:080:31:12

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

0:31:120:31:14

Lots did and lots have.

0:31:150:31:19

But Burnley back then were one of the biggest and best teams

0:31:190:31:22

in the country and they were 20 miles away from where I lived.

0:31:220:31:26

-What star sign are you?

-Gemini.

0:31:260:31:29

I don't know anything about Gemini, except my wife's one.

0:31:290:31:32

LAUGHTER

0:31:320:31:33

D'you want to marry me?

0:31:330:31:35

(No.)

0:31:350:31:37

-No?!

-No. I'm going to get political now.

-Go on, then.

0:31:370:31:41

-Here we go.

-So you started out writing porn.

0:31:410:31:45

-I mean that was Forum magazine. Was that right?

-Yeah.

0:31:450:31:48

And then you became Blair's... You were communications director.

0:31:480:31:51

-There was a gap.

-There was a gap but eventually...

0:31:510:31:54

So you did something noble and then ended up

0:31:540:31:56

sort of prostituting yourself

0:31:560:31:59

which I think is a weird way round.

0:31:590:32:00

I want to move on to Gordon Brown, who lost the general election

0:32:000:32:04

and has now disappeared.

0:32:040:32:06

CHUCKLING

0:32:060:32:08

Two-part question, and a serious one.

0:32:080:32:10

You were obviously in charge of the image

0:32:100:32:13

and how the election was presented to the people.

0:32:130:32:16

Two parts. Who was it that told him that he had to smile,

0:32:160:32:20

and then why did no-one tell him to stop?

0:32:200:32:22

LAUGHTER

0:32:220:32:24

Well, I wasn't in charge. I would have been in charge if we won,

0:32:240:32:27

but we didn't win. So I wasn't in charge at all.

0:32:270:32:29

LAUGHTER

0:32:290:32:31

I don't think you can tell anybody to smile.

0:32:310:32:33

But I think it was possibly his misfortune

0:32:330:32:37

that he followed a Prime Minister

0:32:370:32:39

who does smile a lot very, very naturally.

0:32:390:32:42

-Not like that.

-He did.

0:32:420:32:43

-He's got nicer teeth than you, Jeremy. He looks after them.

-Yes,

0:32:430:32:47

he probably used taxpayers'... Did they go on expenses, his teeth?

0:32:470:32:50

-No. No, they didn't. Don't applaud.

-APPLAUSE

0:32:500:32:55

-It just occurred to me...

-Don't applaud that.

-If I may,

0:32:550:32:59

if I may, OK, I have some footage here.

0:32:590:33:02

I just want to see Gordon Brown here, OK?

0:33:020:33:04

Here he is. And ready, steady...

0:33:040:33:07

LAUGHTER

0:33:070:33:10

But look - he lightened up the room, didn't he? That was nice.

0:33:100:33:13

-Was it done with electricity, or...?

-LAUGHTER

0:33:130:33:16

Fzzzzcrrkkk!

0:33:160:33:17

LAUGHTER

0:33:170:33:19

The thing is, you did Tweet, I believe,

0:33:190:33:21

earlier this week saying, "How do I handle Clarkson, any suggestions?"

0:33:210:33:24

-I got a lot.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Murder, kill...

0:33:240:33:27

Some of those. "Kick him in the nuts."

0:33:270:33:30

-Mm-hm.

-Yeah. "Ask him how he voted."

0:33:300:33:34

Do you know, I think it is none of your business.

0:33:340:33:37

OK, fair enough.

0:33:370:33:38

-INDISTINCT RESPONSE

-I'm going to make a guess.

0:33:380:33:40

-Go on then.

-Tory.

0:33:400:33:42

That would mean voting for my next door neighbour.

0:33:420:33:44

-Anyway, they didn't win.

-Cameron? No, he did win.

0:33:440:33:47

-Well, he didn't really.

-Well, he's the Prime Minister.

0:33:470:33:50

He's the Prime Minister but he needs little Cleggo, doesn't he?

0:33:500:33:54

He needs the tea boy, I agree.

0:33:540:33:55

LAUGHTER

0:33:550:33:56

HE SNORTS

0:33:560:33:59

I... I...

0:33:590:34:01

-Anyway, when do we see the lap?

-No, not yet, not yet

0:34:010:34:05

-because I want to talk about your books.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:34:050:34:08

You say that you get inspiration for writing them

0:34:080:34:11

when you are driving along. Is that a distraction for your driver, or...?

0:34:110:34:16

LAUGHTER

0:34:160:34:20

-Honestly, in your book...

-OK.

0:34:200:34:22

..Prelude to Power, which is your diaries, pretty much in detail.

0:34:220:34:28

That's, how many pages? 744 pages and it only gets us up to 1997.

0:34:280:34:34

So, the actual "Prelude to Power".

0:34:340:34:36

That's five times longer than War and Peace.

0:34:360:34:39

-I write a diary every day.

-You do?

0:34:390:34:41

-You really do write every day?

-You will be in there tonight.

0:34:410:34:43

The chat we have outside about the director general will be in there...

0:34:430:34:47

Oh, bloody hell! It was as well.

0:34:470:34:49

-I do a diary.

-I said that he was a very well-endowed man.

-Yes, yes.

0:34:490:34:53

Now, there is a lot about Clause Four, and all of the things

0:34:530:34:57

that were being changed prior to His Tony-ness's appointment.

0:34:570:35:04

I couldn't find a single reference to the most important thing

0:35:040:35:07

that happened when he became Prime Minister which was the M4 bus lane.

0:35:070:35:11

Hmm.

0:35:110:35:13

Was that just a whim?

0:35:130:35:14

There was a thought that it might alleviate some of the congestion

0:35:140:35:19

and, according to the statistical analysis

0:35:190:35:22

thereafter, it kind of worked.

0:35:220:35:24

But YOU can't accept that because you want to cover

0:35:240:35:27

the whole country in concrete and drive in big cars.

0:35:270:35:29

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:35:290:35:31

LAUGHTER

0:35:310:35:32

The other thing as well,

0:35:320:35:33

what did you think of our new reasonably priced car?

0:35:330:35:36

Because you're the first person to drive it in this proper situation.

0:35:360:35:39

I quite liked it. Once I'd got into really kind of leathering it,

0:35:390:35:44

it didn't have a lot of oomph.

0:35:440:35:46

-I think The Stig was really patient, he really was. Top man.

-Really?

0:35:460:35:50

I was kind of half hoping it would be a woman.

0:35:500:35:53

Some say he's fanatically right wing.

0:35:530:35:57

-No, he told me he's not.

-Really?

-He says you are.

0:35:570:36:01

SCOFFS

0:36:010:36:02

See? You're just believing what it says in the papers again.

0:36:020:36:05

No, I know you're a reasonable, fair-minded chap.

0:36:050:36:10

No!

0:36:100:36:12

LAUGHTER

0:36:120:36:13

-Anyway, who wants to see the lap?

-I do.

0:36:130:36:17

You do. Let's play the tape. Let's have a look.

0:36:170:36:20

WHEELSPIN SCREECH

0:36:200:36:21

-Here we are.

-That wasn't good, was it?'

0:36:210:36:24

-Not bad.

-Was it all right?

0:36:240:36:25

Come on, concentrate.

0:36:250:36:29

Remember everything he said.

0:36:290:36:32

'Let's have a look through the first corner. I've never seen...

0:36:320:36:35

'Well, never seen it at all go round the track.'

0:36:350:36:38

Nick Clegg should do this cos he hasn't got an awful lot to do.

0:36:380:36:42

'Now, you've got to stay right here. Oh, no, you've veered left.

0:36:420:36:45

'There's a surprise(!)

0:36:450:36:47

'On your way down to the hammerhead.

0:36:480:36:50

'It understeers more than the old Chevrolet, this car.

0:36:500:36:53

'Doesn't look like it's going as fast as I thought it was.

0:36:530:36:56

'Everyone says that. But you keep...'

0:36:560:36:58

-You ARE veering to the left!

-Oh God, yeah.

0:36:580:37:00

'No, here we go. This is flat out. Were you flat-out from your...?

0:37:000:37:03

-'Felt flat-out, yeah.'

-BLEEP!

0:37:030:37:05

-'Are you competitive?

-Very.'

0:37:050:37:08

I just want to beat Nick Robinson tonight.

0:37:080:37:11

'Yes, that's nicely done through there, you cut the corner very well.

0:37:120:37:16

'I had real trouble down there.

0:37:160:37:17

-'I kept going into 5th.

-That's bang ...

0:37:170:37:19

'Not quite fast enough.

0:37:190:37:21

-'You were in 5th?

-At one point, yeah.

-Wrong!

0:37:210:37:23

'And there we are. And boing! Across the line!'

0:37:230:37:27

So...

0:37:340:37:35

So...

0:37:380:37:40

where do you think you've come there?

0:37:400:37:42

-I'm quite keen to beat Nick Robinson.

-There's a surprise,

0:37:420:37:46

the BBC political editor.

0:37:460:37:47

You did it,

0:37:470:37:48

Alastair Campbell, in one minute...

0:37:480:37:52

-That's good.

-..40...

0:37:520:37:56

So bearing in mind he was at 49.9,

0:37:560:37:59

-you would have a job squeaking in after him.

-I'm doing well...

0:37:590:38:02

1:47 dead.

0:38:020:38:07

ALL: Oooh...

0:38:070:38:08

That puts you as our second fastest.

0:38:080:38:11

CHEERING

0:38:110:38:13

That's OK.

0:38:130:38:15

Well done. No, that's very good.

0:38:150:38:18

So I beat Al Murray.

0:38:180:38:20

-You're faster than Al Murray.

-And a Page Three girl.

-Peta, 23, Essex.

0:38:200:38:24

-And Nick Robinson.

-Nick Robinson.

0:38:240:38:26

Next time he interviews you, you can go,

0:38:260:38:28

"I'm faster than you. I'm faster than you. I'm faster than you."

0:38:280:38:30

You're a huge sport for coming down here.

0:38:300:38:32

-Best of luck.

-I enjoyed it.

-Alastair Campbell!

-Thank you.

0:38:320:38:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:360:38:38

Now, now, earlier on, we proved that this BMW M3 is better

0:38:470:38:53

in pretty much every way than this Mercedes and this Ford.

0:38:530:38:58

-Because of racism...

-Yeah, whatever.

0:38:580:39:00

Now it's time to go back to Germany so that the BMW

0:39:000:39:03

can win all the other tests as well.

0:39:030:39:05

We begin with Jeremy, predictably, moaning.

0:39:050:39:09

This part of the world was ruined first of all by Hitler then Stalin

0:39:110:39:16

-and now Jonathan Porridge with his windmills.

-I like 'em.

0:39:160:39:19

They're noisy, they're pointless.

0:39:190:39:22

Oh, hello. Right.

0:39:220:39:25

"Your cars will now be tested for faults

0:39:250:39:28

"by ADAC, Germany's equivalent of the AA."

0:39:280:39:32

We test them now, after we've maxed them on the autobahn, brilliant(!)

0:39:320:39:37

It won't hurt them.

0:39:370:39:38

Apparently "one of ADAC's mobile patrols will arrive shortly".

0:39:380:39:43

So we're looking for a van.

0:39:430:39:45

-It'll be a van of some sort.

-That's all right.

0:39:450:39:48

'It was a van,

0:39:480:39:49

'but this being Germany...'

0:39:490:39:52

-It's got a reception, look.

-Look, it has.

0:40:080:40:13

'The ADAC men took charge of James's Merc.'

0:40:130:40:16

-Guten tag, Klaus.

-Hi.

0:40:160:40:18

Fortschritt.

0:40:180:40:19

JEREMY CHUCKLES

0:40:200:40:23

What's wrong with the car?

0:40:230:40:25

His racing gearbox is going well.

0:40:250:40:27

'The equipment they had in the van was extraordinary

0:40:270:40:31

'and the tests were very thorough.

0:40:310:40:33

'They used a computer to measure the boiling point

0:40:330:40:36

'of the Merc's brake fluid

0:40:360:40:38

'and a gizmo to check the roundness of its tyres.'

0:40:380:40:42

There's a laser and everything.

0:40:420:40:45

'It was doing quite well, but then...'

0:40:450:40:47

Oh, dear.

0:40:490:40:50

Scheisse!

0:40:510:40:53

What a load of rubbish!

0:40:530:40:56

'After this, things got worse.'

0:40:560:40:58

CLUNKING, JEREMY HOOTS

0:40:580:41:03

-I did 140 miles an hour.

-You did 140 miles an hour,

0:41:030:41:06

and your wheels...nicht gut.

0:41:060:41:09

..Are very bad, you have let them rust.

0:41:090:41:12

'It was time I put these German chappies straight on a few things.'

0:41:120:41:17

Martin Brundle was sehr gut uber dem auto.

0:41:170:41:19

What was that you just said about Martin Brundle?

0:41:190:41:22

I was just saying

0:41:220:41:24

how Martin Brundle said

0:41:240:41:25

that this was the finest rear-drive chassis he'd ever driven.

0:41:250:41:28

He never said any...

0:41:280:41:30

He did! He had one.

0:41:300:41:32

He did not say...

0:41:320:41:34

Unluckily for you, mate, I have Martin Brundle's number

0:41:340:41:38

-on my telephone.

-He will confirm that he said that

0:41:380:41:41

and that he had one.

0:41:410:41:42

-This, he claimed, was the best?!

-And famously said that.

0:41:420:41:46

-'Hello?'

-Martin?

0:41:460:41:47

-I'll talk to him.

-No, get off. Martin?

-Let me talk to him.

0:41:470:41:50

Martin, morning, it's James from Top Gear. Hi, how are you?

0:41:510:41:54

'Yeah, good, are you somewhere exciting?'

0:41:540:41:57

I'm underneath a Mercedes 190 Cosworth, actually,

0:41:570:42:00

and the other two won't believe me when I say that you said

0:42:000:42:03

quite categorically that this was the finest

0:42:030:42:05

rear-drive chassis of any car in the world

0:42:050:42:07

and the best you'd ever driven.

0:42:070:42:09

'When did I say that?

0:42:090:42:10

'I've had a few knocks on the head but I don't remember saying that.

0:42:100:42:14

'It's not a bad engine

0:42:150:42:16

'but, no, it's really not that good.

0:42:160:42:19

'You need the M3 for the best chassis

0:42:190:42:21

'from around that time, I would have thought.'

0:42:210:42:23

That was always my belief that people believed the M3 was better

0:42:230:42:27

and it had got this folkloric reputation

0:42:270:42:29

but anybody who knew what they were talking about, ie you,

0:42:290:42:32

Ayrton Senna, knew that actually the Mercedes

0:42:320:42:35

-was the superior car.

-'I don't remember Ayrton getting out

0:42:350:42:37

'and saying, "That is the best rear drive chassis I've ever been in."

0:42:370:42:40

'I think he got out and said,

0:42:400:42:42

'"I'm pleased it thrashed Lauda and Prost and all those guys."'

0:42:420:42:46

Niki Lauda and Alain Prost as well? I didn't know that.

0:42:460:42:50

You don't need to speak to him...

0:42:500:42:52

I do need to speak to him. Martin? You've turned it off.

0:42:520:42:56

-He's catching an aeroplane to his second home.

-What did he say?

0:42:560:43:00

He confirmed everything I said about him. He also said,

0:43:000:43:04

"The engine is excellent

0:43:040:43:05

"and the M3 was a mere shadow of what this car was."

0:43:050:43:09

-Did he?

-That's what he said?

-Yes he did.

0:43:090:43:11

-That's what he said?

-Yes.

-That's what he said? Right, lower the car.

0:43:110:43:15

'Next it was the turn of my Cosworth.'

0:43:170:43:20

Mein auto ist die einzige mit...

0:43:200:43:25

TRANSLATION FROM GERMAN:

0:43:250:43:28

-Mein auto ist designen von eine Deutsche.

-Yah!

0:43:300:43:35

-Good.

-OK.

0:43:350:43:37

Just making it plain.

0:43:370:43:38

I don't want him to mark it down because it's Belgian.

0:43:380:43:41

As it happens, the ADAC man was impressed with my car.

0:43:410:43:45

Good?

0:43:450:43:47

-All good!

-All good!

0:43:470:43:49

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:43:490:43:51

'But it would now be humiliated by the much younger M3.'

0:43:530:43:56

I hate to say this

0:43:560:43:58

because it's verging on complementing you, but your car

0:43:580:44:02

is now quite cool and collectible, whereas that is

0:44:020:44:04

-just something driven by...

-Imbeciles.

0:44:040:44:07

TRANSLATED FROM GERMAN:

0:44:070:44:11

Best car? Sehr gut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. It is.

0:44:140:44:20

'As it turned out, it wasn't.'

0:44:200:44:23

-Crikey, look at that.

-That's the anti-roll bar, isn't it?

0:44:230:44:27

It had an accident... Kaput.

0:44:270:44:30

JEREMY CACKLES

0:44:300:44:33

That's why you got a different shock absorber.

0:44:330:44:36

It's been botched together.

0:44:360:44:38

It has clearly had a crash, hasn't it?

0:44:380:44:41

'Soon it was time to get our scores.'

0:44:410:44:44

And that's your Ford.

0:44:450:44:47

-The Ford.

-And the BMW. Thank you.

0:44:470:44:49

What would be a good score on this?

0:44:490:44:51

A new car would score, a good car...

0:44:510:44:53

-150 points.

-I will go first with my score. Are we ready?

0:44:530:44:56

-58.

-58? That's good.

0:44:580:45:00

...19.

0:45:000:45:02

-19?!

-Mmm.

0:45:020:45:04

-That's not so good.

-No.

0:45:040:45:06

-Hammond?

-Six.

0:45:060:45:08

-He's not serious?!

-Six?

0:45:100:45:12

Six, yes.

0:45:120:45:13

-Six?!

-That's right.

0:45:130:45:16

-Bu...?

-The Ford!

0:45:160:45:19

How have I only got six?

0:45:200:45:23

-The back is very bad.

-Yeah.

0:45:230:45:24

58 - that's a pass.

0:45:240:45:27

-Six?!

-You might as well have got nought.

0:45:270:45:29

-Would you say the BMW is dangerous?

-Yes.

0:45:290:45:33

This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.

0:45:350:45:38

Six.

0:45:420:45:44

I don't know how it could score less.

0:45:440:45:47

It would have to have, like, wheels missing

0:45:470:45:50

or a tiger in it.

0:45:500:45:52

Tonight on First Gear,

0:45:540:45:56

Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a death trap.

0:45:560:46:01

'Hammond's mood wasn't improved when he found out

0:46:010:46:05

'where we'd be staying the night.'

0:46:050:46:07

You've got to be kidding.

0:46:110:46:13

'Yup! Colditz is now a hotel.'

0:46:150:46:19

OK.

0:46:230:46:24

'The next morning, James and Richard checked out

0:46:360:46:38

'in the traditional fashion.'

0:46:380:46:40

MUSIC: "Colditz Theme"

0:46:400:46:44

Where have you two been?

0:47:000:47:02

-How did you get out?

-I used my credit card at the reception desk.

0:47:020:47:05

I don't know why we all didn't do that.

0:47:050:47:07

It wouldn't make for a good TV series, would it?

0:47:070:47:09

It wouldn't have had 28 episodes.

0:47:090:47:10

Next, Major Pat Reid denies watching the movie that was on his bill.

0:47:100:47:14

'To Richard's consternation, it was then time for our track day.

0:47:160:47:20

'The producers insisted we stuck to track day etiquette by wearing

0:47:200:47:24

'clothing from the catalogues of the companies that made our cars.'

0:47:240:47:29

Holy Moly!

0:47:310:47:32

Ooh, that's daddy's.

0:47:320:47:35

That's not a good look.

0:47:350:47:37

It says a lot about people who drive Mercedes Benz.

0:47:370:47:39

It does, and do you know, as of Monday morning, I don't,

0:47:390:47:42

any more!

0:47:420:47:43

-If there was a fire around here, imagine the melting...!

-Ah!

0:47:430:47:48

Now, the most important challenge -

0:47:480:47:50

"Which of you has the fastest track day car?

0:47:500:47:54

"To make sure this test is fair,

0:47:540:47:56

-"each of your cars will be driven by the same driver."

-Yes!

0:47:560:48:00

-I don't have to go out there in the death trap...

-Oh, yes, you do.

0:48:000:48:04

"You will be in the passenger seat

0:48:040:48:06

"while the car is driven by a tame racing driver."

0:48:060:48:09

-What, the Stig?

-No, he's not the Stig.

0:48:090:48:12

He's the Stig's German cousin.

0:48:120:48:16

Looks like the Stig to me. Still the Stig. Still the St...

0:48:210:48:25

-It is the Stig!

-No, hang on.

0:48:250:48:27

-Oh, my giddy aunt.

-Mullet.

0:48:270:48:29

I think it might be Stiggy Ray Cyrus.

0:48:290:48:32

First up for Herr Stig

0:48:320:48:35

was the Mercedes.

0:48:350:48:36

Go!

0:48:390:48:40

ROUGH ENGINE ROAR

0:48:420:48:44

That doesn't sound good.

0:48:440:48:47

You've got to remember that in the ADAC tests, they revealed

0:48:500:48:53

that the steering was a bit loose.

0:48:530:48:55

There's a lot of play in the rack, so just don't overdo it, OK?

0:48:550:48:58

Bloody hell!

0:48:580:49:01

'To compensate for the Merc's lack of power,

0:49:040:49:07

'German Stig was on maximum attack.'

0:49:070:49:09

So this is bigger than the Nurburgring, right, this track?

0:49:130:49:17

-Must be, cos of the amount of time it's taken.

-Must be 35 miles.

-Yeah.

0:49:170:49:21

You can feel the multi-link, Martin Brundle-approved,

0:49:220:49:27

rear suspension hunkering down... Get a grip, man!

0:49:270:49:32

It's 2 mins 19.3, and we've no idea what that means.

0:49:360:49:43

'But we'd soon find out,

0:49:450:49:46

'because it was time to lap the Ford.'

0:49:460:49:50

And the muscles from Brussels is under way!

0:49:520:49:55

The Jean-Claude Van Damme-anator!

0:49:550:49:58

That rear suspension is collapsed.

0:49:580:50:01

This is...pure track day magic.

0:50:020:50:07

1,250 kilograms, that's all it weighs, the same as a Mini.

0:50:070:50:13

But it has 200 horsepower!

0:50:130:50:15

So, this German Stig fella...

0:50:160:50:18

will he take well to Jeremy shouting at him and stuff, do you think?

0:50:180:50:21

He didn't take any notice of me

0:50:210:50:23

-when I told him which gear to change into.

-Who would?

0:50:230:50:25

This is the car which has won

0:50:270:50:29

the British Touring Car Championship,

0:50:290:50:31

the World Touring Car Championship, the British Rally Championship!

0:50:310:50:36

Das Stig is a maniac!

0:50:380:50:41

Here he comes.

0:50:420:50:44

Wall, wall, wall.

0:50:470:50:49

This is going to be close.

0:50:500:50:51

12, 13, 14.

0:50:510:50:55

Come on, let's have it.

0:50:570:50:59

-Two...

-Yep.

-14.

-Ooh-hoo-hoo!

0:50:590:51:03

Five seconds faster!

0:51:030:51:05

'All that remained was to lap Hammond's crash-damaged death trap.'

0:51:050:51:09

There are quite a lot of right hand turns, aren't there,

0:51:090:51:12

-in that first bit?

-Yeah.

0:51:120:51:13

You're really putting a lot of stress on the front left suspension.

0:51:130:51:17

-Exactly.

-If your car had had, let's say, an accident,

0:51:170:51:20

and had been mended cheaply on the front left corner...

0:51:200:51:23

Stop talking.

0:51:230:51:25

Now, Herr Stig, there's one important thing I have to tell you

0:51:260:51:30

about this car before we set off...

0:51:300:51:32

No, I didn't mean set off!

0:51:320:51:35

I haven't told you the thing! What about the thing?

0:51:350:51:38

-Are you cold?

-No.

0:51:390:51:42

Go right. Go right.

0:51:430:51:45

-D'you know what I'm expecting to see?

-Er...

0:51:530:51:55

Just the front wheel coming across the line in about two minutes' time.

0:51:550:51:58

I'm just waiting to hear

0:52:050:52:06

the unmistakable sound of metal snapping.

0:52:060:52:09

And the...of arterial blood.

0:52:120:52:15

Wall!

0:52:180:52:19

110 miles an hour in a car that scored 6.

0:52:200:52:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:52:320:52:34

-The board.

-The points.

0:52:340:52:37

Here we go.

0:52:370:52:39

-Yes.

-What?

0:52:390:52:41

Oh, come on, then, what was the time for the BM, what was the lap time?

0:52:410:52:44

I've forgotten.

0:52:440:52:46

The time, what was it, come on?

0:52:460:52:48

Seriously.

0:52:480:52:50

-What did he do it in?

-2.06.

0:52:500:52:51

-Yes! Thank you very much, I win that.

-So, yeah,

0:52:510:52:54

you get one point for every second underneath three minutes,

0:52:540:52:57

so 2.06...

0:52:570:52:58

-54 points...

-Oh, yeah.

-..for you.

0:52:580:53:01

Why is that 3.14?

0:53:010:53:03

What?

0:53:030:53:04

Well, I did the lap in 2 minutes 14.

0:53:040:53:06

But, you see, the producer disagrees.

0:53:060:53:08

-Why?

-Well,

0:53:080:53:10

it was that new producer we've got, the one from Uruguay.

0:53:100:53:14

Sorry, mate, he's right, he didn't see one of those minutes,

0:53:140:53:18

so you can't have it.

0:53:180:53:19

-It was on television!

-That's inadmissible.

-It doesn't count.

0:53:190:53:22

-This is ridiculous.

-Bad luck.

0:53:220:53:24

Moving on. So that means my BMW was the fastest on the autobahn,

0:53:240:53:29

it was the most spacious in that test,

0:53:290:53:30

and then it put in the fastest lap.

0:53:300:53:33

Well, I will now garner back some points,

0:53:330:53:35

because it's the YouTube section.

0:53:350:53:37

As we know, people who go to track days,

0:53:370:53:40

they put a camera on the dashboard,

0:53:400:53:42

they record their lap, they put that lap on YouTube.

0:53:420:53:46

And we were told to do the same thing, OK?

0:53:460:53:49

And then there would be one point for every hit we got.

0:53:490:53:52

James, I believe now we have a clip from your Mercedes lap?

0:53:520:53:57

Let's have a look at that now.

0:53:570:53:59

'And we're off. A little bit of tramping from the axle there.

0:53:590:54:03

'Then I'm going to select fourth as we come

0:54:030:54:06

'up to the end of the straight, and we go in to turn one.

0:54:060:54:09

'As we go round turn one... Oh...

0:54:090:54:11

'Oh, cock. As you can see,

0:54:110:54:14

'there are bollards on the circuit, which is not

0:54:140:54:17

'what I was expecting, and must mean I've gone the wrong way.'

0:54:170:54:20

-How can you get lost on a racetrack, mate?

-I don't...

0:54:200:54:25

-I don't...

-It's one way.

0:54:250:54:26

-I know, I don't understand it, I'm sorry.

-All right.

0:54:260:54:29

Let's have a look at a clip from Jeremy's video.

0:54:290:54:32

'Coming up now to the end of a lap.

0:54:320:54:35

'I'm doing 195 miles an hour,

0:54:350:54:39

'200, 210 miles an hour now, 220...

0:54:390:54:44

'And I cross the line.'

0:54:440:54:45

-What? You just lied and then sped up the film.

-A bit.

0:54:450:54:49

-A lot!

-A bit. Let's have a look at your lap in the death trap.

0:54:490:54:53

-All right.

-Here we go.

0:54:530:54:55

HAMMOND: Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

0:54:550:54:57

And listen to that straight six!

0:54:570:54:59

Brvoom!

0:54:590:55:01

-You didn't take it out.

-No, I did, the camera broke.

0:55:010:55:04

-I did it properly...

-Cluck! Cluck!

-Stop doing that.

0:55:040:55:07

-That's very annoying.

-You chicken.

-No, I wasn't.

0:55:070:55:10

I did do a lap, the camera broke, it just recorded sound.

0:55:100:55:12

OK, we've had those clips up

0:55:120:55:14

-for a week?

-Yeah.

-How many hits did you get?

-I got...

0:55:140:55:17

71.

0:55:170:55:20

CHEERING

0:55:200:55:21

Are you seriously suggesting

0:55:210:55:25

-71 people...?

-Why would they do that?

-Why would...

0:55:250:55:29

-71...?

-Why are people compelled to put themselves on it?

-71 points.

0:55:290:55:33

-OK.

-I got 137.

-Wow!

0:55:330:55:38

Hammond?

0:55:430:55:45

Seven.

0:55:450:55:46

LAUGHTER

0:55:460:55:47

-Seven?

-Seven, yeah.

0:55:470:55:49

-Seven. That was pathetic.

-Thinking back,

0:55:490:55:51

I should have misspelled M3

0:55:510:55:52

-in the tag line bit on the internet.

-What, 3M?

0:55:520:55:55

No, if I'd spelled it "Angelina Jolie topless",

0:55:550:55:58

-I'd have got more hits than both of you, but I didn't.

-Anyway,

0:55:580:56:02

we then did an economy run, from Germany into Poland.

0:56:020:56:06

Sadly there isn't time tonight to show you that.

0:56:060:56:08

The upshot was, though, James ran out of petrol.

0:56:080:56:12

-Therefore, you get minus 141.

-Hang on.

0:56:120:56:19

-What?

-I've got minus exactly what I already had.

-Yes.

0:56:190:56:23

-That's the rules - it happened to him once.

-It did.

0:56:230:56:27

That is the rules. You're minus 141, so you're currently on...nought.

0:56:270:56:31

Er... I get 10 for that, because I won

0:56:310:56:35

in the Ford, thanks to its two-litre engine,

0:56:350:56:38

and you get five for coming second.

0:56:380:56:41

Which means,

0:56:410:56:42

we have just one final challenge, something to do with price -

0:56:420:56:45

I have it here.

0:56:450:56:46

So it's a two-horse race. Either you or me will win.

0:56:460:56:49

-He's out.

-Absolutely.

0:56:490:56:51

-He is completely out. He's on nought.

-OK.

-So, here we go.

0:56:510:56:55

You get one point for every pound

0:56:550:56:58

your car was under the £5,000 budget.

0:56:580:57:01

So, hang on, mine cost £3,990, so I get 1,010 points there!

0:57:010:57:07

Look at that.

0:57:070:57:09

I like that. Go on then,

0:57:090:57:10

-how much did yours cost?

-4,999.

-So you get one point!

0:57:100:57:16

Which means, clearly, I win that!

0:57:160:57:18

-Thank you very much.

-I may as well have just bought a toy car.

0:57:180:57:20

I was going to get the prize. I would have got...

0:57:200:57:23

Those are the rules, and I win! Thank you!

0:57:230:57:26

Delighted. And rightly so. CHEERING

0:57:260:57:29

No!

0:57:290:57:31

I'm sorry.

0:57:310:57:33

I'm sorry.

0:57:330:57:35

If I may just take that from you and ask you to stand to one side,

0:57:350:57:39

because my car was £2,990,

0:57:390:57:43

meaning I have 2,010 points straightaway there, which I think

0:57:430:57:48

you will find makes me...

0:57:480:57:51

the winner.

0:57:510:57:52

CHEERING

0:57:520:57:55

That's just silly.

0:57:550:57:57

That's just ridiculous.

0:57:570:58:00

Oi! Are we honestly going to say,

0:58:020:58:05

on the world's biggest motoring show,

0:58:050:58:08

to 350 million people, that the best track day car

0:58:080:58:11

is a slow, rusty,

0:58:110:58:14

wobbly wheeled,

0:58:140:58:16

small, uneconomical piece of junk?

0:58:160:58:20

Yes. And on that bombshell, it's time to say good night.

0:58:200:58:23

Oh, this is just ridiculous!

0:58:230:58:25

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:400:58:43

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:430:58:46

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May attempt to find a trio of cars which are equally at home on the racetrack as they are transporting a family to the shops, for a budget of £5,000. They end up with a BMW M3, a Mercedes 190E and a Ford Sierra Cosworth, which they put through their paces in Europe's home of speed, Germany.

James also makes a rare visit to the Top Gear track to test a pair of Porsches - the 911 Sport Classic and Boxster Spyder - and Alastair Campbell is the star in the all-new reasonably priced car.


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