Episode 3 Top Gear


Episode 3

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May attempt to find the world's greatest four-seat supercar. Plus Richard is on the test track in two very different muscle cars.


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Transcript


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Tonight, Richard drives a muscle car,

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I wear some unusual trousers

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and there's a wizard in our reasonably priced car.

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.

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Thank you.

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Now, in the past, if you were a successful businessman

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and you wanted a large four-door saloon car,

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you had a choice of Mercedes-Benz, BMW or Audi.

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Now, though, you could have an Aston Martin or a Maserati or a Porsche.

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And that should, at least,

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make the world's financial districts sound a lot better.

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These are the cars in question and it's our job to decide which is best...

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The 4.7 litre Maserati Quattroporte GTS,

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the six-litre Aston Martin Rapide

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or the extremely ugly Porsche Panamera Turbo.

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This isn't just hideous compared to the other two -

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it's hideous compared to a...genital wart.

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By contrast, looks is where the Aston gets off to a flying start,

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cos it doesn't really look like a saloon at all.

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More like a DB9 that's... taken a bit of Viagra.

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In fact, you have to stare at it for a while before you can see it's got

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four doors at all.

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The Quattroporte has now been with us for six years

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but if anything, over that time, I think it's got even better looking.

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-Ooh, it has.

-You're not joking.

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When this first came out, I thought it looked like a Vauxhall Cresta.

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-Yes, you did.

-But now, it's just spectacularly well balanced.

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It's just cool, though, as well, isn't it?

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When you see someone getting out of these, passers by go...

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It is like a Mafia hit man.

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-I like these.

-Oh, those are...

-They work for me.

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When you sum up the looks of these,

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you've got the ballet dancer, the hit man and someone who's been...

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-Found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.

-Yes.

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And this is the man who threw him in there.

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Having examined the outside of the cars,

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we thought we'd take a look at the inside,

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where there were some issues.

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In the Aston Martin, you need fingers like cocktail sticks to operate any of the buttons.

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And in the Porsche, you need to be a rocket scientist to understand anything.

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But worst of all is the Quattroporte.

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This is always going to be a bit of a problem for a small car maker because...

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Well, Mercedes-Benz, they've probably got 1,000 people employed just to decide

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where the buttons go on the satnav, but with the Maserati,

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you get the feeling a man turns up on Tuesday and goes,

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"Here is OK."

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That's why it's blindingly difficult to operate everything in here, as we shall now demonstrate.

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-Chaps, give me a straightforward task.

-I'll give you a task.

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-Adjust the clock.

-OK.

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While James is doing that, Hammond and I have noticed that we've got these straps here.

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These are fitted for you to be handcuffed to.

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"Don't take me to the warehouse. I can't find the money!

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-"Please!"

-"Just tell me where my children are."

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-Ah, ah, ah!

-"Set time and date." Go on, then.

-Right, right.

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Manual? Semi-automatic?

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Oh, these are the weapons.

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THEY CHUCKLE

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I'm quite good at this sort of thing but that's rubbish.

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At this point, we decided to take a typical businessman's drive

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from here in central London to a business park in Hampshire.

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I wanted to drive the Maserati.

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Toodle-oo.

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Well, I'm not driving the Porsche. I'm just not.

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'Unfortunately, while I was telling Jeremy I wouldn't drive the Porsche...

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'..James drove off in the Aston.'

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Oh God. Why did I have to get stuck with this?

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I grabbed the Aston, expecting perfection.

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But I didn't quite find it.

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You pay 91,000 for the Maserati,

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97,000 for the Porsche

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and then 140,000 for this.

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But I'm not exactly sure why.

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For that sort of money, this thing has to be absolutely brilliant

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but I'm not entirely convinced it is.

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It's a bit jiggly.

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I know it's a sort of supercar,

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but it's supposed to be luxurious and comfortable as well.

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When it comes to criticism, though, you should have heard Mr Grumble-Trousers.

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It's sort of massive for one thing -

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I'm scared I might knock over a building.

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Oh God.

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It's got a stop-start,

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so the engine stops when you stop and starts when you hit the pedal to move away.

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What's...? To save petrol.

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In a 4.7 litre V8 turbo.

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That's like buying Buckingham Palace, then living in the kitchen to save wearing the carpets out.

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Then there's the pricing.

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Yes, at £97,000, this does look like good value against the Aston Martin.

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Then you discover you have to pay extra for things like the rear windscreen wiper.

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Don't be tight. 97 grand - chuck in a windscreen wiper, eh?

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-Hammond.

-Yep?

-I don't like looking at your car.

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It's the only thing that brightens my day knowing you have got to look at it and I haven't.

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No, there's its reflection! God, it's hideous.

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Up ahead, there was a chance for the Porsche to redeem itself.

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Ooh, hello. Tunnel.

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There it is. Sport.

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No noise at all.

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On a 4.7 litre V8, and...

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I can't hear anything.

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'The Aston put on a better show.'

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Not bad.

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'But then came the Maserati.'

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What I'm going to do now is push the sport button.

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ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

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Oh, my God! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

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What this button does is it turns carbon dioxide into noise.

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'However, like the other two, I had complaints.'

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The sports noise - that's good.

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The trouble is they've also fitted it with sports suspension and that's not good.

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If you can afford £100,000 to spend on a car,

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chances are you're a bit old, and old people don't want to drive along like this.

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That's not comfy.

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'And there was more.'

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I honestly thought James was being stupid, but he isn't.

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I can't fathom anything out.

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There are buttons I've just found on the back of the steering wheel -

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six of them. No idea what they do.

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'On the uneventful one-hour cruise to the business park...'

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-HE SNIGGERS

-Do I care that I don't know what the buttons do? No.

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'..I worked out a way to describe

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'the unhinged but bewitching Quattroporte.'

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Owning this car is like owning a two-year-old child.

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It's really annoying for a lot of the time but if someone tried to take it away from you...

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-You'd kill them.

-You'd kill!

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'Then, since the park was closed, we decided to turn it into a race track.

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'And in the Maserati, Hammond quickly got what I was on about.'

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Oh, my word!

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This is a four-door saloon car but it sounds utterly magnificent.

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It's just got so much style.

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I don't care what the flaws are -

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I don't care if it picks its nose and farts in bed - I love this thing.

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It's got such a sense of fun about it. That is the whole point.

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Even if you're trying to keep that lid down.

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'Mind you, the Aston wasn't bad either.'

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Do you know what this is? I'll tell you exactly what this is.

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It is exciting.

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There's a subtle, refined rage to this car.

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It is not as sharp as a Vantage or DB9 or DBS,

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but as a four-door saloon car, it's spectacular.

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'Here on the business park raceway,

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'even the four-wheel drive Elephant Man is making a case for itself.'

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God above! This thing's great.

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It feels big, but whoo!

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Staggering.

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I'm just amazed by this car.

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Dynamically, it is as fabulous as it is gopping to look at.

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'Frankly, we could have fooled about all day in these cars,

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'but we decided to induce a bit of science by laying out a course

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'and then summoning the head of accounts.'

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-Is he ready?

-Yes, believe so. Of course he is - he's the Stig.

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Three, two, one, go.

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-They sold 1,000...

-Ssh!

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What were you going to say?

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I was going to say that they sold 1,000 of those Maseratis over a five-year period

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-but over the save same five years, they sold nearly 15,000 Mercedes S Classes.

-He's coming back!

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You know the Ferrari F438?

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What?!

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He got a bit squirrely there.

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I've had a crisis!

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35.8.

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'With the Maserati's time on the board...'

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'..the Stig lined up the Aston.'

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Three, two, one, and go.

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I'm very angry!

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But why is it so expensive?

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-I think they're charging 140,000 cos they can.

-Yeah.

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Ooh! He is brave. Isn't he brave?

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OK, the Aston Martin Rapide.

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There's your Maserati, 35.81.

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Rapide...

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-35.25.

-Ooh!

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So 50 grand and you go

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0.6 of a second faster round Farnborough business park.

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-It is an important piece of consumer advice.

-I'd spend an extra 50 grand for that.

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Right. It's time now...

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for the Porsche.

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Three, two, one, go.

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Has it gone?

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You two haven't given it the full beans yet, have you?

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-No.

-It's absolutely astonishing.

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-I have to say, I like the look of it now.

-You can't...

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No, it's behind that building.

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-It's back!

-I've got to look.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right.

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The Porsche did it in...

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35.1, which is only a tenth of a second faster,

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but nevertheless, that thing, I think, is astonishingly fast.

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It is. That's all very well, but which would you rather walk out to in the morning?

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The Maserati or the Aston that'll make your trousers go all hot,

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or the Porsche - they do! - which makes a bit of sick come into your mouth when you see it.

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Which would you rather have? That's the thing.

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Nobody's watching.

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Nobody is actually in there, are they?

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You've all come along and you...

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The World Cup is on BBC One and ITV. How many people do you think are watching?

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We could just talk in a high-pitched squeak. Eek, eek! It's just us.

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-Why don't you get naked? Go on.

-LAUGHTER

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-Anyway, I have a theory about those cars.

-Oh, God!

-Joy(!)

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It's one of my better theories, this is.

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If I were a businessman and I were invited to go and do business

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on a business park in Hampshire, I'd use Skype.

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-Not go, yeah.

-I wouldn't go,

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but if I had an Aston, a Maserati or even the Porsche,

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-I would drive down there because they make...

-Your day more special?

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They make driving more special. For that reason alone,

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I like them more than the established BMs and Mercs and Audis.

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We haven't finished with them yet - there'll be more testing later,

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-sort of, but for now it's the news.

-Yes, it is,

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and talking about the Porsche Panamera,

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-you would think, would you not, that it's impossible to make that car any uglier.

-Yes.

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The ugliest thing in the world. Well, it is.

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There's a Swiss company called Mansory and here is their creation.

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It actually is uglier, isn't it?

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I'm going to be sick.

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That is... How much is it?

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£133,000, they want for that monstrosity!

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I like the interior best of all. Have a look.

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It's like the set of a children's television programme.

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All it needs is a ball pit down here,

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and then they've pretty much got it finished.

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Anyone go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed last weekend? Several.

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I wasn't able to make it, but I'm told they had a moving motor show there.

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The idea was, unlike a normal motor show, where the cars just sit still,

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you can jump in and have a go,

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which sounds like a great idea, unless you're one of the four people who were run over.

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LAUGHTER

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Seriously! I've got a picture here. Somebody got in a Honda Civic.

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Is there any danger that these Goodwood people might take over the Farnborough Air Show?

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"Next seven for a go in the Red Arrows. Come on."

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"Welcome to the Goodwood interactive zoo. Now, who wants to do lion taming?" It doesn't work.

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The Goodwood Festival of Live Ammunition.

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"Are there actual bullets in these guns? Is there a range?!"

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"No, just help yourself. That's fantastic!"

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Now, I'm going to tell you something very important.

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The European Union, which is a big thing in Belgium...

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LAUGHTER

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It is! They've decided that all car makers

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must reach an average target for their whole range of car.

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So here's how it works, OK? If BMW sell a V12 limousine,

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they must then sell lots of little Diesel 1 Series cars

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to keep the average of the CO2 down.

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It's averaged across the range of cars?

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Now, Bugatti, it's not so bad,

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because Bugatti's owned by Volkswagen,

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and Volkswagen also makes the Polo, so that's fine.

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But Aston Martin - bit of a problem,

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cos Aston Martin isn't owned by VW or Ford, it's on its own.

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-And they only make big cars.

-Only big, thirsty cars. They've got to get that average down,

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so they've had to make a small car, OK? And we have a picture of it here. It's called the Cygnet.

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AUDIENCE GROAN This is potentially disastrous,

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because it risks ruining their reputation.

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What that is is a Toyota iQ with a leather gear knob

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and then Toyota crossed out and Aston Martin written in in crayon.

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-That's what that is.

-Hang on a minute. If they just need to bring their average CO2 down,

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why don't they just buy a bicycle factory?

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Or they should do Aston Martin flowers,

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cos they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen, and that would bring it crashing down!

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I think it has to be a mode of transport - you can't go to work on some flowers. A horse?

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-Scissors.

-Have you ever tried sitting on a pair of scissors?

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-LAUGHTER

-Not yet.

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-A cow.

-Ostriches. They're quite exotic.

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-Another one I've just thought of is Zonda. What are Zonda going to do?

-Oh, that'll be easy.

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Well, they're Italian, aren't they?

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They'll just lie - that's what they'll do.

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"Emissions is very important! Is it low or high? Low? OK. My emissions is one!"

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And that's it. They'll just lie.

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Well, why don't Aston Martin just...

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Why not take a leaf out of the European book and say,

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"Yes, our cars don't really produce carbon dioxide at all."

0:17:080:17:12

If you say... The EU go and inspect a Spanish fishing boat and go, "Have you been fishing?"

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-"No."

-"What's all that in your boat?" "My lunch."

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"It's a lot of fish. Hungry!"

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This is the answer. Don't make that, Aston Martin. Just lie.

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Right.

0:17:250:17:26

Now, it is time to put a Formula 1 star in our old, reasonably priced car.

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My guest tonight is a Brazilian.

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Not the triangular topiary thing, obviously.

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It is a genuine Brazilian. Ladies and gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Rubens!

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-How're you?

-Nice to see you.

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-Rubens is among us.

-Thank you.

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Have a seat.

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Have a seat!

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I've got a question, if I may.

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Why has your country given its name to...

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How can I put this?

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..triangular topiary?

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LAUGHTER

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I think it's a term used in England,

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because in Brazil we call it "Hitlers".

0:18:140:18:16

-A what?

-LAUGHTER

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It's a little...

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-You're saying you'd have a Hitler?

-A Hitler there.

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Has anybody here got a Brazilian?

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-You have, sir? Er...

-LAUGHTER

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-HE MUTTERS

-Anyway...

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Obviously, it was Silverstone this afternoon. Well done for winning.

0:18:320:18:35

Thank you!

0:18:350:18:37

-Nasty crash.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:370:18:40

Should've covered it there. I should explain it is now Wednesday,

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and we have no idea...

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I'm just thinking - that will be... How many races is it

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you will have done by this evening, now?

0:18:480:18:50

-297.

-297.

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Is that a record now? Have you set the record for the most Grands Prix?

0:18:520:18:56

Yeah. When I raced for the first time,

0:18:560:18:58

I never thought I would race for such a long period,

0:18:580:19:01

but I'm enjoying more than I used to.

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-Cos you must now be, what, 78?

-Yeah!

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Anyway, you're now driving for one of the great teams, Williams.

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Well, I tell you, it's...

0:19:100:19:12

Since a very young kid, when I was driving go-karts,

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I have interviews when people ask me,

0:19:160:19:18

"Which team would you like to drive?", and it was for Williams.

0:19:180:19:21

-Why was that?

-I don't know. I just had a great passion for Frank Williams,

0:19:210:19:25

and you can see it nowadays -

0:19:250:19:27

he is so passionate about everything,

0:19:270:19:30

and I'm trying to lead the team to a different area.

0:19:300:19:33

They are changing, and I think the future is quite bright.

0:19:330:19:37

So, um, Ferrari - just to go there, obviously.

0:19:370:19:40

You had that period where you were there with His Schumacherness.

0:19:400:19:44

You must have known when you got there

0:19:440:19:46

that you were going to be, effectively, the whipping boy.

0:19:460:19:49

-I did not.

-Really? You didn't...

0:19:490:19:51

That's the funny bit, because people say,

0:19:510:19:54

"Shut up, Rubens. You knew you were going to play second in the team."

0:19:540:19:59

And when I signed, I made sure to ask,

0:19:590:20:02

"Is it everything to him or am I going to have a chance?"

0:20:020:20:05

And in my contract it was zero. There was no mentioning

0:20:050:20:09

of becoming a second driver there.

0:20:090:20:11

So you were very surprised... It was Austria, where you were winning, he was behind you,

0:20:110:20:15

and then the call came through... "Would you mind awfully getting out of his way?"

0:20:150:20:20

-Was that a big surprise?

-It was almost like that.

0:20:200:20:22

People ask me, "Why did he do on the last corner?"

0:20:220:20:25

Because in my mind, I was never going to do it.

0:20:250:20:28

It was eight laps. You know, it was almost like the lawyer was sitting here

0:20:280:20:33

-and people, you know, there was a discussion going on.

-Back at the pit?

0:20:330:20:38

-Yeah. And I could only say, "No, I'm not going to do it."

-Did you actually say that?

0:20:380:20:42

I said, "I'm not going to do it," until the very final bit

0:20:420:20:46

when they were a bit more focused on saying something that I...

0:20:460:20:49

Did they say, "We've got one of your pets here. NOW will you move over

0:20:490:20:53

-"and let him go by?"

-It was almost like that, yeah.

0:20:530:20:56

Anyway, of course, you came down here

0:20:560:20:59

-because we have our Formula 1 board here, yes?

-Yes.

0:20:590:21:02

And you wanted to see where you'd come in our old reasonably-priced car,

0:21:020:21:05

the old Liana, which has been gathering dust somewhere.

0:21:050:21:08

-Was it fun?

-It was fun.

0:21:080:21:10

-Really?

-Yeah, it was.

0:21:100:21:12

Cos you think, you know, I drive this car

0:21:120:21:14

with so much power and everything, but it's a different challenge.

0:21:140:21:19

I mean, when you step on the brakes, that back end, you know...

0:21:190:21:23

-So smoothness is what...

-Keep it quite smooth.

0:21:230:21:26

-Well, I think the time has come.

-I hope it was a good one.

0:21:260:21:29

Well, shall we find out? Who wants to see the lap?

0:21:290:21:32

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-OK, let's play the tape.

0:21:320:21:35

It's nice to see the old girl back.

0:21:350:21:38

-Now, concentrate.

-Remember that I drive normally on that side.

0:21:420:21:45

Well, that's your fault for driving on the wrong side of the road.

0:21:450:21:49

That's the Stig's line through there.

0:21:490:21:52

All the other F1 drivers come way further out.

0:21:520:21:55

Well, he talked me into that. I thought it was...

0:21:550:21:58

You see? "Come on, horse."

0:21:580:22:01

It's not a horse, but there we are.

0:22:010:22:03

What can I say? I'm not going to say, "Oh, that's not very good," am I?

0:22:030:22:07

-Very good down to the Hammerhead.

-This is a difficult part.

0:22:070:22:12

It is. It normally makes the car understeer there, but you've got it.

0:22:120:22:15

How come you can do that and all our guests just can't?

0:22:150:22:18

-RUBENS CHUCKLES

-I suppose that's cos they're mostly actors or comedians.

0:22:180:22:22

Wave to the camera?

0:22:220:22:24

HE GROANS

0:22:240:22:26

The gear! The gear just went "grr".

0:22:260:22:29

Well, it must be strange for you to actually have to change...

0:22:290:22:32

When was the last time you changed gear?

0:22:320:22:34

You know what, I started Formula 1 and it was already the automatic.

0:22:340:22:37

Yeah. And I bet your road car has... What's your road car?

0:22:370:22:40

My road... I have a...

0:22:400:22:43

An M5.

0:22:430:22:45

Flappy pedal. So you haven't changed gear for...

0:22:450:22:47

Ooh! Look at that. Lovely through the second to last.

0:22:470:22:50

-And here we are now.

-What's the time? Give me the time!

0:22:500:22:55

-APPLAUSE

-There we are - crossed the line.

0:22:550:22:58

So we've got the Stig at 1:44.4.

0:23:040:23:07

Mansell 1:44.6,

0:23:070:23:08

and then Lewis did that with a wet lap at 1:44.7,

0:23:080:23:13

-which was fairly remarkable.

-Impressive.

-Then Mark.

0:23:130:23:16

He flew around, actually. Just decided not to bother.

0:23:160:23:19

So where do you reckon?

0:23:190:23:21

I don't know. My heart is beating more than

0:23:210:23:24

at the start of the Silverstone GP, I tell you.

0:23:240:23:27

This is obviously a more popular show.

0:23:270:23:30

-I have the time here.

-OK.

0:23:330:23:35

Rubens Barichello...

0:23:350:23:38

You did it in...

0:23:380:23:40

One minute...

0:23:400:23:41

Well, that's really...

0:23:410:23:44

-..forty...

-I'm on the page, then.

-You're on the page!

0:23:440:23:49

-..four...

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:23:490:23:52

-..point...

-Point?

0:23:520:23:55

-..three!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:550:23:58

-44.3!

-Wow!

0:23:580:24:01

The fastest man ever to go round our track!

0:24:010:24:05

Fantastic!

0:24:060:24:08

Unbelievable.

0:24:080:24:10

-Wow!

-That is fantastic.

0:24:100:24:11

I am so proud.

0:24:110:24:14

It's fantastic and it's also staggering

0:24:140:24:17

that you should have beaten him.

0:24:170:24:20

We need to get you out of this building in some careful way now.

0:24:200:24:24

-Yeah.

-I can't imagine he's going to be very pleased about this.

0:24:240:24:28

Especially cos if we get into a fight, he never takes his helmet off!

0:24:280:24:32

There you go. You've finally won something today.

0:24:320:24:35

LAUGHTER

0:24:350:24:37

You'll take a piece of that. It was good 11 wins.

0:24:380:24:42

There we are. That is a truly staggering thing.

0:24:420:24:45

I will ask for more money from Frank now.

0:24:450:24:48

You can now say, "I am the fastest Formula 1 driver in the world,

0:24:480:24:52

"and more than that, I'm faster than the Stig."

0:24:520:24:55

-Fantastic.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello.

0:24:550:24:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:570:24:59

Now...

0:25:100:25:12

There are a couple of new muscle cars out

0:25:120:25:15

that we thought were worth a look at.

0:25:150:25:18

And clearly the right man for the job is someone who has owned

0:25:180:25:21

a Dodge Charger and a Ford Mustang and a banjo.

0:25:210:25:26

Yep, it's our resident redneck, the Duke of Hammond.

0:25:260:25:30

This is the first of today's offerings.

0:25:330:25:36

A muscle car icon, reborn.

0:25:400:25:43

The Chevrolet Camaro.

0:25:430:25:45

Jeremy has a theory about the Camaro.

0:25:470:25:50

He believes that all Camaros are driven by murderers,

0:25:500:25:52

and you should never accept a lift in one cos your head'll end up swinging

0:25:520:25:56

in the rear-view mirror as an air freshener.

0:25:560:25:58

The thing is, there's a bit more to this Camaro than that.

0:25:590:26:03

Now if you're under 12, then to you, this car is Bumblebee from the Transformers movies.

0:26:040:26:10

In a minute, it's going to stand up and throw an oil tanker at my face.

0:26:100:26:14

But back in the '60s, its grandfather was fighting the Cold War.

0:26:140:26:18

Not the big scary one with the Russians, but the Detroit Cold War.

0:26:190:26:24

In 1964, Ford had launched the most famous muscle car of all, the Mustang.

0:26:240:26:30

And two years later, GM struck back.

0:26:300:26:34

Camaro! Fiery new creation from Chevrolet!

0:26:360:26:40

It was one hell of a battle.

0:26:420:26:45

And the Camaro...

0:26:450:26:46

Well, it lost, actually.

0:26:460:26:49

Quite badly.

0:26:490:26:50

In its first full year, Ford sold over half a million Mustangs.

0:26:500:26:55

In its first full year with the Camaro,

0:26:550:26:57

GM didn't manage even half of that.

0:26:570:27:00

The other muscle cars - Mustangs, Chargers - they went on to starring roles in Bullitt.

0:27:000:27:06

The Camaro did once have quite a nice role in an episode of Lovejoy.

0:27:060:27:11

But this new boy is coming back fighting.

0:27:140:27:18

This is the SS version - the most powerful - with a 6.2 litre V8.

0:27:180:27:24

And at £40,000, it is a lot of car for the money.

0:27:240:27:29

It also looks good

0:27:330:27:34

and unlike other muscle cars,

0:27:340:27:37

the suspension isn't made from lampposts and logs.

0:27:370:27:40

Because underneath the Camaro

0:27:440:27:47

is the chassis from one our very favouritest saloon cars, the Vauxhall VXR8.

0:27:470:27:52

It's made by the Australians.

0:27:520:27:54

Which means there's a lot of multi-link cleverness going on.

0:27:580:28:01

So basically, the Americans had to go to the Australians for a bit of sophistication.

0:28:060:28:10

That feels more like it!

0:28:130:28:15

A good effort all round and on any other day,

0:28:150:28:17

the Camaro could claim to be the muscle car of the moment.

0:28:170:28:21

However, it must now face this -

0:28:240:28:28

a muscle car, not from America...

0:28:280:28:32

..the very German Mercedes E63 AMG.

0:28:330:28:38

Listen to that!

0:28:420:28:43

ENGINE ROARS

0:28:430:28:45

It's the AMG dawn chorus.

0:28:450:28:47

It might look like a businessman's express,

0:28:480:28:52

but when it comes to noise, the Benz it blows the Camaro out of the water.

0:28:520:28:58

This thing sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd at a bullfight.

0:28:580:29:02

And when you take it beyond 5,000rpm...

0:29:050:29:08

Ah-ha!

0:29:120:29:14

Although the Mercedes, like the Camaro, has a 6.2 litre V8,

0:29:140:29:19

it's faster and more powerful.

0:29:190:29:22

0-60, 4.5 seconds.

0:29:290:29:32

Top speed, normally limited to 155mph.

0:29:340:29:36

Or for £2,230, you can have the limit raised to 186...

0:29:360:29:43

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:29:430:29:45

..almost 40 more than the Camaro will do.

0:29:450:29:49

There are, however, a couple of chinks in the AMG's armour.

0:29:580:30:03

Where the Camaro costs £40,000, this is 72,000.

0:30:030:30:09

A muscle car should also be a car for simpletons, like me,

0:30:110:30:16

but there are more gizmos in here than Bill Gates's kitchen.

0:30:160:30:19

The gearbox, for example, can be operated from here or down here,

0:30:190:30:23

and then this dial splits it into four different modes -

0:30:230:30:25

comfort, sport, sport plus and so on.

0:30:250:30:28

This button adjusts the traction control, lots of settings there.

0:30:280:30:32

This button is for the ride, lots of different settings.

0:30:320:30:35

And that's a lot to think about if you're the kind of person who goes to work in a vest.

0:30:350:30:41

Thankfully, help is at hand.

0:30:430:30:47

It's this the fourth button here, the AMG button.

0:30:470:30:50

Essentially, it takes all the other settings from all the other buttons and puts them in a thing,

0:30:500:30:55

and then when you hit this button, it sets the car up exactly as you want it.

0:30:550:31:00

I like mine like this.

0:31:010:31:04

With the button in what I call redneck setting,

0:31:120:31:16

the AMG can outslide, outturn and outrun any muscle car on the planet.

0:31:160:31:21

I'm in a massive German executive saloon.

0:31:230:31:26

Going sideways!

0:31:280:31:29

The Mercedes may be almost twice the price of the Camaro...

0:31:410:31:46

..but, the fact is, it's twice the car.

0:31:510:31:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:030:32:06

The thing is...

0:32:090:32:11

The thing is I just...

0:32:110:32:13

I just love muscle cars as a breed, because I love the idea you take an ordinary, basic car

0:32:130:32:18

and then you keep adding more and more and more and more and more power until it's just about unusable,

0:32:180:32:23

and then you put it on sale and people buy it.

0:32:230:32:27

-And you'd have the Mercedes?

-Nope.

0:32:270:32:30

I know I said the Merc is twice the car.

0:32:300:32:32

-I'd have the Camaro, it's just got much more soul.

-It's a stupid car!

0:32:320:32:35

It's a brilliant car...

0:32:350:32:36

OK, things you'll never hear as somebody gets in.

0:32:360:32:39

"I'd just like to thank the Nobel Academy and now I'm going home."

0:32:390:32:43

Or how about this one? "No, really, let me, Your Majesty."

0:32:430:32:48

There's nobody intelligent...

0:32:480:32:50

"Bishop Tutu, can I have a go? Thank you, I will."

0:32:500:32:54

-It is a car for a type of person, I love it!

-It's a stupid, childish...

0:32:540:32:59

I'll tell you what, though, no, one interesting thing.

0:32:590:33:02

When this thing goes on sale next year in Britain, it will make the job of the police much easier.

0:33:020:33:07

Let's pull these over and go, "Open the boot...whose head's this?"

0:33:070:33:10

But nevertheless, we must find out how fast these cars go round our track,

0:33:120:33:16

and that of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.

0:33:160:33:20

Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way,

0:33:200:33:25

he doesn't work properly.

0:33:250:33:26

And that, just very recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello.

0:33:290:33:35

All we know is he's called the Stig.

0:33:380:33:40

And they're off,

0:33:420:33:43

and what a racket, the E63 drowning out the Chevy.

0:33:430:33:47

You can, of course, get the fantastic AMG V8 in many Mercs,

0:33:470:33:51

and, personally, I wouldn't have it in this one.

0:33:510:33:54

It's just too ugly - and, in this, case slightly brown.

0:33:540:33:57

Round the first corner...

0:33:570:33:59

There we are, vuvuzelas on all three channels now.

0:33:590:34:02

Stig hopefully will get bored in the next week.

0:34:020:34:05

The Camaro does have a certain distinctive presence,

0:34:050:34:07

which is peace of mind for the murder squad.

0:34:070:34:11

Up to the Hammerhead, both getting a little bit sideways,

0:34:110:34:15

but only the Camaro fills the Stig

0:34:150:34:17

with a sudden urge to murder his postman.

0:34:170:34:20

Actually, he did that in 2004.

0:34:200:34:22

Follow-through and now, both... Yep, going through there nicely.

0:34:250:34:31

And yep, kicking up dust through the tyres.

0:34:310:34:34

Two corners remain, let's have a look.

0:34:340:34:38

Oh, the Camaro getting it very crossed up.

0:34:380:34:40

The Merc is running away now, just Gambon left,

0:34:400:34:42

and they are now through that and across the line.

0:34:420:34:46

Right, now...I've got the times.

0:34:460:34:48

Yes.

0:34:480:34:51

These are the times.

0:34:510:34:53

So the Mercedes did it in 1:24.9, which puts it there.

0:34:530:35:00

That's unbelievable, that's the same as that Supersports Bentley.

0:35:000:35:03

It is, yes, and the Camaro did it in...

0:35:030:35:05

1:27.9, which is just...keep going down, it's down there.

0:35:050:35:12

So it's even slower than the pick-up truck of the car on which it's based?

0:35:120:35:16

Yeah, yeah, it is that, yeah, but I'd still have this.

0:35:160:35:18

It was probably weighed down by all the body parts in the boot.

0:35:180:35:22

Anyway, it's now time to put another star in our reasonably priced car,

0:35:220:35:26

though of course this time the brand-new one.

0:35:260:35:28

Now, my guest tonight played a character in Harry Potter

0:35:280:35:31

who, in olden times, would have been burned at the stake.

0:35:310:35:34

Not for being a wizard but because he's ginger.

0:35:340:35:37

Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint!

0:35:370:35:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:35:390:35:41

-How are you?

-Yeah, good. Really good.

0:35:420:35:44

Rupert!

0:35:440:35:46

Have a seat! Brilliant!

0:35:480:35:51

Now, first of all, forgive me, why do gingers get so much stick?

0:35:560:36:01

Says a man with pubic hair!

0:36:020:36:05

Saying that, I didn't get much abuse at school.

0:36:050:36:07

People used to call me Luke, actually...for Lucozade.

0:36:070:36:11

-Oh, Lucozade.

-Quite a clever nickname.

0:36:110:36:13

Is there anyone here who thinks they might be ginger? What about you?

0:36:130:36:17

-I'm not natural!

-What, you dyed it ginger?!

0:36:170:36:19

LAUGHTER

0:36:190:36:22

-That's nice to hear, yeah!

-That is the future right there.

0:36:220:36:25

Obviously, we have to talk about Harry Potter, and you're probably fed up to the back teeth with it.

0:36:250:36:30

Well, I don't know, it has been my whole life, basically, it's been 11 years.

0:36:300:36:35

I've had children who've been growing up in that time,

0:36:350:36:38

so I've spent a lot of my time reading them Harry Potter bedtime stories.

0:36:380:36:42

What on earth is it about? I mean, really...

0:36:420:36:47

Basically, we win in the end so...

0:36:470:36:49

-Michael Gambon came here.

-Yeah.

-A bit older than you,

0:36:490:36:52

and I did ask him, "Do you understand it?"

0:36:520:36:55

And of course he was Dumbledore, and he said, "Well, sort of."

0:36:550:36:58

But does he give the impression of knowing what he's doing on the set or...?

0:36:580:37:02

The performance is ama... He does get a bit confused sometimes, I think.

0:37:020:37:07

One question I had from my children, if you don't mind my asking, is do you fancy Emily Watson in real life?

0:37:070:37:13

-Well...

-No, don't do that face. That man just did that, "Mmm..."

0:37:140:37:19

But do you actually fancy her in real life?

0:37:190:37:21

Well, it's weird, because I actually had to kiss her in this last one,

0:37:210:37:25

because our characters kind of get together.

0:37:250:37:28

Yeah, yeah.

0:37:280:37:29

And it's like a brother-sister kind of relationship we've got.

0:37:310:37:34

-So you weren't nursing a semi.

-Oh, my God!

0:37:340:37:39

I wasn't, I wasn't, no.

0:37:450:37:49

So what does the future hold, now that the big ten years of Potter is over?

0:37:490:37:53

I don't know, it's weird to come out of something that you've been a part of for...

0:37:530:37:57

most of your life.

0:37:570:37:59

But I've done other films, kind of in between,

0:37:590:38:01

and hopefully I can kind of continue doing that.

0:38:010:38:04

One of the things that I was thinking... I've been reading up on you, before you came on,

0:38:040:38:08

-is that you could work with cars, because they do seem to be a strong love for you.

-Yeah.

0:38:080:38:14

Because what you actually own is...

0:38:140:38:17

let's think, a Range Rooney, an ice-cream van and a hovercraft.

0:38:170:38:22

Yeah.

0:38:220:38:24

Let's start with the Range Rover, shall we? The Wayne Rover.

0:38:240:38:27

-Yeah.

-What colour's that?

0:38:270:38:29

It's...orange, it's bright orange.

0:38:290:38:31

LAUGHTER

0:38:310:38:33

Yeah. It's ginger, it's basically a ginger car.

0:38:330:38:37

So that works well or...?

0:38:370:38:40

I didn't make that connection when I was picking the colour.

0:38:400:38:43

I just thought it looked really cool. It's got black wheels, and it does look really cool.

0:38:430:38:47

An orange Range Rover in black wheels?

0:38:470:38:49

-Yeah!

-Oh, dear, we're fighting a lost cause here with you.

0:38:490:38:51

-And then obviously I have to ask, the hovercraft.

-Yeah.

-I am a huge fan of hovercrafts,

0:38:510:38:58

-because they are the most fun you can have with an engine, I'm convinced.

-Yeah, definitely.

0:38:580:39:03

I was told the first time I ever went on one - and you must have experienced this -

0:39:030:39:07

-if you actually see an obstacle, if you can see it, you will hit it.

-Yeah.

0:39:070:39:12

At some point between seeing it, and then it could be an hour or so, it doesn't matter what you do...

0:39:120:39:18

They're amazing, you've got no control at all.

0:39:180:39:20

-Have you ever actually hit anything?

-Oh, yeah! I've hit a few things.

0:39:200:39:24

And so are you a good driver?

0:39:240:39:27

Well, I like to think so. I used to do a bit of karting when I was younger.

0:39:270:39:30

Did you now? So, competitive karting?

0:39:300:39:33

Well, yeah, with my brother.

0:39:330:39:35

So what did you think of our new reasonably priced car?

0:39:350:39:38

I quite liked it. It was better than I thought.

0:39:380:39:41

Yeah, because interestingly, and I'm actually not joking,

0:39:410:39:46

we've had this from Kia, the makers of a reasonably priced car, to say that they're recalling the Cee'd.

0:39:460:39:53

No way!

0:39:530:39:56

They've identified that Cee'd models could suffer from insufficient brake force from the master cylinder.

0:39:560:40:03

-So what they're actually saying there in long words is the brakes don't work.

-No way!

0:40:030:40:08

Did nobody tell you that?

0:40:080:40:10

No, I didn't realise...

0:40:100:40:11

Nobody from our production team told that that car's been recalled?

0:40:110:40:15

No, I didn't realise that. It felt all right.

0:40:150:40:17

No, apparently only 468 models have been affected, and we don't know that it's ours yet, it's possible.

0:40:170:40:23

-Anyway, you didn't die!

-I didn't die.

0:40:230:40:25

-No, you made it, and who here would like to see Rupert's lap?

-Yes!

0:40:250:40:31

Let's have a look.

0:40:310:40:34

There we go. Look at it!

0:40:340:40:36

A symphony in brown.

0:40:360:40:38

Come on, mmm!

0:40:380:40:41

Looking determined.

0:40:410:40:44

Not lost there, no, well done, you remembered to go left, that's important.

0:40:440:40:50

-That's looking very neat and tidy.

-Yeah?

0:40:500:40:52

Well, neat and tidy is the key, really.

0:40:520:40:54

Come on.

0:40:550:40:56

No, it won't go any faster, that really is as fast as it goes.

0:40:560:41:00

You see, this is the important thing - if you look slow,

0:41:000:41:03

chances are you're going not as slowly as you think. Oh, no, a bit of a wobble into the Hammerhead.

0:41:030:41:09

Do you stay in the lines?

0:41:090:41:10

Yes, even more in the lines. It does understeer, this, did you notice?

0:41:100:41:13

-It does, yeah, yeah, I was really shocked by that.

-Oh, you see, you know...

0:41:130:41:17

-Fourth...

-Are you a man that prefers oversteer?

0:41:170:41:22

I don't really understand oversteer.

0:41:220:41:25

Well, this car, when you turn the steering wheel, it sort of pushes on.

0:41:250:41:28

Yeah.

0:41:280:41:31

Brake...now!

0:41:310:41:33

Yes, that was a beautiful line through that, absolutely perfect.

0:41:330:41:38

-That's understeer!

-Right.

0:41:380:41:39

-You almost turned right over, but there we are, look, across the line!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:41:390:41:44

Come on, youth, where do you think you are on that?

0:41:500:41:54

Obviously not the wet ones, but 1:45.9 is Peter Jones, the fastest man.

0:41:540:41:59

I don't think I got to the top but...

0:41:590:42:02

Well, mmm...

0:42:020:42:03

I shall just have a look on here and see if I can see where you came, hang on a minute.

0:42:030:42:07

Is this like being back at school?

0:42:070:42:09

You got a B minus!

0:42:090:42:11

So, Rupert Grint, you did it in...one minute, you'll be relieved to hear... 40...

0:42:130:42:20

5.5!

0:42:230:42:26

Oh, yes!

0:42:260:42:28

He's the fastest! He's the fastest!

0:42:280:42:35

-The second time! The second time!

-Wow.

0:42:350:42:41

-It's just something in the air today. Because Rubens has gone and bust that one.

-Yes, I saw!

0:42:410:42:45

-And now you've bust that one.

-Oh, that's good.

0:42:450:42:47

We know that Peter Jones was quick in the old car, the tall Dragon man,

0:42:470:42:53

so we thought, "Well, that time will take some beating."

0:42:530:42:56

He has, by the way, just committed suicide.

0:42:560:42:59

He honestly left the other day saying, "Well, no-one will beat that in a hurry!"

0:42:590:43:02

And it's actually taken precisely two weeks for his time to be beaten.

0:43:020:43:06

I don't think that's going to get knocked off for a while.

0:43:060:43:09

-Wow, I'm impressed with that.

-So thank you so much for coming, thank you for busting it.

0:43:090:43:13

-Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:43:130:43:17

Right!

0:43:240:43:26

Earlier on, we tested the new Aston Martin Rapide, which we liked, despite the price,

0:43:260:43:32

the Porsche Panamera, which we liked, despite the hideous body,

0:43:320:43:37

and the Maserati Quattroporte, which we liked, despite...pretty much everything, really.

0:43:370:43:43

Now, though, it is time to see how good these are as four-door saloons.

0:43:430:43:48

To do that, the producers said we must spend the day as chauffeurs.

0:43:540:44:00

Guys? I know all about chauffeuring.

0:44:000:44:03

-Go on.

-You've got to wear a hat,

0:44:030:44:07

and you have to remember, when you open the back door for a girl to get in, not to look up her skirt.

0:44:070:44:13

Right.

0:44:130:44:15

On the way, we changed into our suits, and then

0:44:160:44:19

we arrived at a hotel to meet the people we'd be chauffeuring.

0:44:190:44:23

OK. Where's your suit trousers?

0:44:240:44:26

-I've lost them.

-Lost them?

0:44:260:44:29

-Honestly, I've searched the house top to bottom.

-So we'll have, what do you reckon, one person each or...?

0:44:290:44:33

I think it's probably a conference.

0:44:330:44:35

We'll go to different places and it'll be who get to his place first.

0:44:350:44:39

-Chauffeur race.

-Exactly, different places, it's who gets there first.

0:44:390:44:44

-What?

-It's a wedding.

0:44:440:44:45

What's a wedding?

0:44:450:44:47

It's a wedding, we're doing a wedding, we're the car service for a wedding.

0:44:470:44:50

Mate, you can't do a wedding in jeans.

0:44:500:44:52

You can't, actually, that's going too far.

0:44:520:44:56

I can mend this.

0:44:560:44:57

-A real wedding?

-Yes.

-What, an actual wedding?

0:44:570:45:00

Yes. We have to drive to the church, the reception.

0:45:000:45:03

We are the drivers for the day to see how big the backs of these cars are.

0:45:030:45:07

And I've got to mend my trousers.

0:45:070:45:09

-Who is there at a wedding? A bride, a groom...

-Bride, groom, vicar...

0:45:090:45:13

Bride's mother, parents, they all have to go.

0:45:130:45:16

The Maserati's the biggest.

0:45:160:45:17

The bride should go in the Maserati.

0:45:170:45:19

-The bride's the most important person at a wedding.

-So put the bride in the...

0:45:190:45:24

Put the bride in the Maserati. I should drive her, because I haven't driven the Maserati.

0:45:240:45:28

You're welcome, I'm not driving a bride to her wedding, no way!

0:45:280:45:31

Listen, everything we ever do is a disaster.

0:45:310:45:34

Well, including what you're doing there.

0:45:340:45:36

-They'll be black in a minute, trust me. So bride in the Maserati.

-Yeah.

-You drive that.

-Yeah.

0:45:360:45:42

Groom is going to want to go in the Aston.

0:45:420:45:45

I'll take him in the Aston.

0:45:450:45:47

I'll do the bride's mother in the Porsche.

0:45:470:45:49

I wouldn't... Oh, I see!

0:45:490:45:53

She'll be emotional, and I'm just what she needs on her daughter's wedding day.

0:45:530:45:57

Hammond set off to get the groom,

0:45:570:46:00

leaving me in a spot of bother with my new trousers.

0:46:000:46:04

Oh, no.

0:46:040:46:06

My legs have stuck together.

0:46:060:46:08

I do apologise for this.

0:46:110:46:13

Worse still, chauffeur duties had made James even more pedantic than usual.

0:46:130:46:18

Because I want my Maserati here for the bride, I think it's more grand.

0:46:180:46:21

-Yes, you go and get your Maserati.

-Can you move out of the way, then?

-Yep.

0:46:210:46:25

But hang on, I can't do this until you've gone, otherwise it's in the way.

0:46:250:46:29

-What?

-I can't put the Maserati there before you've gone, or they'd have to walk round it. That's not right.

0:46:290:46:34

What are you talking about?

0:46:340:46:35

-I can't put the Maserati in position until you've left with the bride's mother.

-Why?

0:46:350:46:40

Otherwise she'll come out and get in the Maserati...

0:46:400:46:42

She won't, because we'll say, "Don't get in the Maserati."

0:46:420:46:45

Then she has to walk around it, and it's not right, trust me.

0:46:450:46:48

Meanwhile, I'd arrived at the groom's house.

0:46:480:46:51

This is it.

0:46:510:46:53

But having never chauffeured before, I didn't know whether to get him or wait in the car.

0:46:530:46:58

He wants to get ready, take his time.

0:46:580:47:00

I'll, erm...

0:47:000:47:01

I'll hover here.

0:47:010:47:03

You've got half an hour to get there, you've got to be...

0:47:080:47:11

-I've got to be late, yes.

-Yes, but a tiny bit late, not your usual late.

0:47:110:47:14

No, no, I understand the difference.

0:47:140:47:16

Whilst James was still deciding where to put his car, the wedding party emerged.

0:47:160:47:23

I was going to back it up and do it properly.

0:47:230:47:26

-Do you want to go in and come out while I back it up?

-James, will you concentrate on your job?

0:47:260:47:30

-This way, please.

-Don't look up her skirt, don't look up her skirt.

0:47:300:47:34

No, no, no! I'm in! Thank you for averting your gaze.

0:47:370:47:43

-Come on.

-Where is he?

0:47:430:47:47

Oh, you're already in! Sorry!

0:47:470:47:49

He's already in.

0:47:490:47:50

Good afternoon, everyone.

0:47:510:47:52

Oh, good afternoon.

0:47:520:47:54

I'm James, I shall be your driver.

0:47:540:47:56

This is the Maserati Quattroporte. Not the original model, which had a slightly ropey gearbox.

0:47:560:48:01

This is the GTS, much improved, as you shall see.

0:48:010:48:04

The key's stuck.

0:48:040:48:06

Jeremy, meanwhile, was being his usual charming self.

0:48:080:48:12

If I've got whiffy pits, I apologise, but it is from wearing slightly hot trousers.

0:48:120:48:17

-Come on, we're late, we're late!

-That's the groom, that's the groom. He is the groom.

0:48:270:48:32

-You're Steve?

-Yeah.

-Hi, Steve. Sorry, mate, sorry.

0:48:320:48:36

And you're Sam, the best man?

0:48:360:48:38

-Hiya.

-Hi, nice to see you.

0:48:380:48:39

-Are we not going right to the church?

-Yeah, you...

0:48:430:48:46

As we are a bit early, and obviously you don't want to arrive early,

0:48:460:48:49

I thought we'd take a slightly longer route, slightly scenic,

0:48:490:48:52

so that you can arrive at an appropriate time and also enjoy the car a little bit on the journey.

0:48:520:48:57

Unfortunately, the bride's father had never seen Top Gear.

0:48:570:49:01

That sounds really good, yeah.

0:49:010:49:04

Still, at least James was driving sensibly.

0:49:040:49:09

Sport, sport plus.

0:49:090:49:11

I WILL get you to the church on time.

0:49:130:49:15

As it turned out, my passengers loved fast driving.

0:49:150:49:20

Wow!

0:49:200:49:21

So a marriage, whoo!

0:49:230:49:26

-It's a big 'un.

-It's the big day.

0:49:260:49:28

Think what you're taking on, man.

0:49:280:49:30

-Life changes today.

-Today.

0:49:300:49:32

-Yeah.

-For real.

0:49:320:49:34

It's amazing, isn't it, marriage?

0:49:340:49:35

You have the big day, the big celebration, it's all exciting,

0:49:350:49:39

and then one day it just settles down into the norm,

0:49:390:49:43

day to day,

0:49:430:49:46

just every day...after day...after day...

0:49:460:49:51

You'll never get it to sound like this. It's to do with the crank angle and cylinders.

0:49:540:49:58

I never thought I'd be learning about crank angles on the way to my wedding.

0:49:580:50:03

Sorry, I think I've taken the wrong exit off that roundabout. Hang on a minute.

0:50:030:50:07

I guess we're going to check out the road holding or...

0:50:070:50:10

No, no, this isn't a test, I'm just... Because I've done this loop, I'm not absolutely sure...

0:50:100:50:15

It must be the next one.

0:50:150:50:18

-You're not getting nervous now, are you?

-I am now.

0:50:210:50:24

I was feeling pretty relaxed but...

0:50:240:50:25

I'll help you with some music.

0:50:250:50:28

There you go... Oh, look, it's not as easy as I'd hoped.

0:50:280:50:31

We really have to get a move on.

0:50:340:50:37

Yeah, but I just want to find out, can I drive the iPod from the stereo?

0:50:370:50:41

Oh, this is the most complicated thing I've ever tried to do. Oh, no, that's just impossible.

0:50:410:50:46

Hang on, I think I've got it.

0:50:460:50:48

# I'm not in love

0:50:490:50:52

# So don't forget it

0:50:520:50:55

# It's just a silly phase... #

0:50:550:50:58

Here we go! Power!

0:50:580:51:01

In the back, Jenson and Lewis wanted even more from the Porsche.

0:51:030:51:06

-Can't we go somewhere we can go really fast?

-Yeah.

0:51:060:51:09

-I have to say...

-Up to the airfield?

-Oh, is there an airfield near here?

0:51:090:51:13

Yeah! Pull in there, do a circuit, and then we don't mind being late.

0:51:130:51:17

Is she a calm bride?

0:51:170:51:19

She's been SO calm.

0:51:190:51:21

Because James May can drive somebody to the edge of reason after three minutes.

0:51:210:51:27

I'll turn round in the garden centre. Sorry about that.

0:51:280:51:32

As the clock struck one, I pulled up at the church.

0:51:380:51:41

-I almost lost my dress then!

-We made it, we made it, we made it.

0:51:410:51:46

The bride's mother and chief bridesmaid seemed very happy with my chauffeuring skills.

0:51:500:51:54

However, in Claire Rayner's car...

0:51:540:51:57

# Whoo-hoo, no, baby, please don't go... #

0:51:570:52:00

I mean it's like your life, it's for life!

0:52:000:52:04

It is for life.

0:52:040:52:06

Just stretching out in front of you.

0:52:060:52:10

Forever.

0:52:100:52:12

Just going on...and on.

0:52:120:52:14

Amazingly, though, when Captain Cheerful eventually arrived,

0:52:180:52:22

the groom was more bothered about my trousers.

0:52:220:52:25

-What are you wearing?!

-I'm fine, nothing to see here.

0:52:250:52:29

More worryingly, there was nothing to see in terms of the bride either.

0:52:290:52:34

The relations are starting to get angsty.

0:52:340:52:38

I can just feel eyes burrowing into the back of my head.

0:52:380:52:43

I did look at the map before I started off.

0:52:490:52:51

Right, nearly there.

0:52:580:53:00

-What hymns have you chosen?

-The King Of Love My Shepherd Is.

0:53:060:53:11

Very good.

0:53:110:53:14

JAMES SINGS THE TUNE

0:53:140:53:17

CHURCH BELLS RING

0:53:180:53:20

Half one, half an hour late now for the wedding.

0:53:220:53:25

-Look, there it is.

-Hmm?

0:53:270:53:29

The church was that way.

0:53:290:53:31

-Are you sure it was that way?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

0:53:310:53:35

Completely, 100% sure.

0:53:350:53:37

We're now into something to two o'clock. We're now nearer two o'clock...

0:53:390:53:42

We're nearer the next hour than the one when they were supposed to be getting married.

0:53:420:53:46

This would have been your last car journey before you became a married woman, I hope it was a good one.

0:53:460:53:53

That man, he is the most colossal...

0:54:000:54:04

-Where have you been?

-We took a slightly scenic route.

0:54:040:54:07

The wedding party hurried into the church.

0:54:070:54:10

-Explain yourself.

-What?

-How come you've arrived 35 minutes late?

-It's fashionable for the bride...

0:54:100:54:17

Yeah, you've obviously made an impression, because they're all leaving.

0:54:170:54:21

They're really happy to have had you driving, look at their cheery faces as they walk off dabbing their eyes.

0:54:210:54:26

Did they like the Maserati?

0:54:260:54:28

-Loved it!

-Did they?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Did you love it?

0:54:280:54:31

-I love it, top five cars.

-What do we do now?

0:54:310:54:34

-Now we wait for them.

-That's boring.

0:54:340:54:36

Actually, no, I tell you what. The bride's mother told me on the way over there's an airfield near here.

0:54:360:54:41

-So?

-Well, is this a Catholic wedding or...?

0:54:410:54:45

They'll be doing Dear Lord and Father of...

0:54:450:54:48

-Drag race.

-Bagsie go in this.

0:54:480:54:50

-Drag race.

-Drag race.

0:54:500:54:53

So as the congregation began its first hymn...

0:54:540:54:58

ENGINES ROAR

0:54:580:55:00

..we headed off to the airfield and set up our drag race.

0:55:000:55:07

I'm sure most wedding car drivers do this.

0:55:080:55:11

I wonder if they've done the exhortations yet.

0:55:120:55:15

Go!

0:55:180:55:20

Yes!

0:55:250:55:26

Look at this go!

0:55:280:55:31

80, level-pegging with the Ast... Oh, no, I'm not.

0:55:310:55:35

Maserati sitting in my door mirror here like an oil painting.

0:55:360:55:40

Come on, come on!

0:55:400:55:42

Even with James at the wheel, that Porsche easily won.

0:55:460:55:52

Since the race was over so quickly, I decided there was time for another game.

0:55:520:55:57

I bet I can do a longer powerslide in that than you two can in these.

0:55:570:56:03

Good game?

0:56:030:56:04

Come on, it's a beautiful day, we've got crash helmets on.

0:56:040:56:07

The back's coming out nicely, and now bin it there!

0:56:140:56:17

Too much grip.

0:56:200:56:22

Our new game was excellent fun!

0:56:220:56:25

BELLS RING

0:56:250:56:27

TYRES SQUEAL

0:56:290:56:32

That's a good one! What do you think of that, Hammond?

0:56:320:56:34

And another championship-winning entry from Hammond in the Maserati. Yeah.

0:56:360:56:41

Oh, yeah! Feeling sick but looking good!

0:56:470:56:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:56:520:56:53

I know... I know a lot of you will have been looking at that and thinking it was all a set-up,

0:57:000:57:06

they were actors.

0:57:060:57:07

Well, it really wasn't, they really were a couple,

0:57:070:57:11

they really did get married that day, and they really are here.

0:57:110:57:15

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve and Ellie!

0:57:150:57:17

APPLAUSE

0:57:170:57:18

-Congratulations!

-Sorry! Really sorry.

0:57:180:57:22

Sorry we weren't there when you came out.

0:57:220:57:26

Sorry about my mood on the day, it was inappropriate, as it turned out. We're sorry.

0:57:260:57:30

By way of an apology and as a token of our appreciation, we've brought

0:57:300:57:35

you this memento so you can remember the day every time you have a dump.

0:57:350:57:40

LAUGHTER Congratulations!

0:57:400:57:42

Congratulations. Thank you.

0:57:440:57:48

Excellent, excellent.

0:57:480:57:50

-We clubbed together to buy that, just so you know.

-Ourselves.

-Your eternal happiness.

0:57:500:57:54

Anyway, it is now time for us to decide which of these cars is best.

0:57:540:57:58

Quite easy for me, the Maserati is idiotic, OK?

0:57:580:58:02

After five minutes it would drive you mad, and after five weeks it would fall to pieces.

0:58:020:58:07

-But for me, by a country mile, it's the one I'd have.

-Me too.

0:58:070:58:10

Yeah, and me, by a long, long way.

0:58:100:58:13

Yeah, so there we are, we all agree on something.

0:58:130:58:15

The worst car is the best.

0:58:150:58:17

And on both those bombshell, it's now time to end.

0:58:170:58:21

Thank you for watching. Not that you were, because you were watching the football, but there we are.

0:58:210:58:26

See you next week, though. Take care, good night!

0:58:260:58:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:58:280:58:30

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:320:58:35

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:350:58:38

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May test the Aston Martin Rapide, the Porsche Panamera Turbo and the Maserati Quattroporte as they attempt to find the world's greatest four-seat supercar.

After an early morning start in the City of London, the boys embark on a road trip across the south of England, stop off for a race around a closed-off business park, and end up undertaking a rather special chauffeuring job.

Meanwhile, Richard is on the test track in two very different muscle cars, the Chevrolet Camaro SS and Mercedes E63 AMG. And there's a double dose of celebrity as Harry Potter star Rupert Grint and F1 ace Rubens Barrichello take their turns as the Stars in a Reasonably Priced Car.


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