Episode 3 Top Gear

Tonight, Richard drives a muscle car,

I wear some unusual trousers

and there's a wizard in our reasonably priced car.

APPLAUSE

Hello, thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Now, in the past, if you were a successful businessman

and you wanted a large four-door saloon car,

you had a choice of Mercedes-Benz, BMW or Audi.

Now, though, you could have an Aston Martin or a Maserati or a Porsche.

And that should, at least,

make the world's financial districts sound a lot better.

These are the cars in question and it's our job to decide which is best...

The 4.7 litre Maserati Quattroporte GTS,

the six-litre Aston Martin Rapide

or the extremely ugly Porsche Panamera Turbo.

This isn't just hideous compared to the other two -

it's hideous compared to a...genital wart.

By contrast, looks is where the Aston gets off to a flying start,

cos it doesn't really look like a saloon at all.

More like a DB9 that's... taken a bit of Viagra.

In fact, you have to stare at it for a while before you can see it's got

four doors at all.

The Quattroporte has now been with us for six years

but if anything, over that time, I think it's got even better looking.

-Ooh, it has.

-You're not joking.

When this first came out, I thought it looked like a Vauxhall Cresta.

-Yes, you did.

-But now, it's just spectacularly well balanced.

It's just cool, though, as well, isn't it?

When you see someone getting out of these, passers by go...

It is like a Mafia hit man.

-I like these.

-Oh, those are...

-They work for me.

When you sum up the looks of these,

you've got the ballet dancer, the hit man and someone who's been...

-Found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.

-Yes.

And this is the man who threw him in there.

Having examined the outside of the cars,

we thought we'd take a look at the inside,

where there were some issues.

In the Aston Martin, you need fingers like cocktail sticks to operate any of the buttons.

And in the Porsche, you need to be a rocket scientist to understand anything.

But worst of all is the Quattroporte.

This is always going to be a bit of a problem for a small car maker because...

Well, Mercedes-Benz, they've probably got 1,000 people employed just to decide

where the buttons go on the satnav, but with the Maserati,

you get the feeling a man turns up on Tuesday and goes,

"Here is OK."

That's why it's blindingly difficult to operate everything in here, as we shall now demonstrate.

-Chaps, give me a straightforward task.

-I'll give you a task.

-Adjust the clock.

-OK.

While James is doing that, Hammond and I have noticed that we've got these straps here.

These are fitted for you to be handcuffed to.

"Don't take me to the warehouse. I can't find the money!

-"Please!"

-"Just tell me where my children are."

-Ah, ah, ah!

-"Set time and date." Go on, then.

-Right, right.

Manual? Semi-automatic?

Oh, these are the weapons.

THEY CHUCKLE

I'm quite good at this sort of thing but that's rubbish.

At this point, we decided to take a typical businessman's drive

from here in central London to a business park in Hampshire.

I wanted to drive the Maserati.

Toodle-oo.

Well, I'm not driving the Porsche. I'm just not.

'Unfortunately, while I was telling Jeremy I wouldn't drive the Porsche...

'..James drove off in the Aston.'

Oh God. Why did I have to get stuck with this?

I grabbed the Aston, expecting perfection.

But I didn't quite find it.

You pay 91,000 for the Maserati,

97,000 for the Porsche

and then 140,000 for this.

But I'm not exactly sure why.

For that sort of money, this thing has to be absolutely brilliant

but I'm not entirely convinced it is.

It's a bit jiggly.

I know it's a sort of supercar,

but it's supposed to be luxurious and comfortable as well.

When it comes to criticism, though, you should have heard Mr Grumble-Trousers.

It's sort of massive for one thing -

I'm scared I might knock over a building.

Oh God.

It's got a stop-start,

so the engine stops when you stop and starts when you hit the pedal to move away.

What's...? To save petrol.

In a 4.7 litre V8 turbo.

That's like buying Buckingham Palace, then living in the kitchen to save wearing the carpets out.

Then there's the pricing.

Yes, at £97,000, this does look like good value against the Aston Martin.

Then you discover you have to pay extra for things like the rear windscreen wiper.

Don't be tight. 97 grand - chuck in a windscreen wiper, eh?

-Hammond.

-Yep?

-I don't like looking at your car.

It's the only thing that brightens my day knowing you have got to look at it and I haven't.

No, there's its reflection! God, it's hideous.

Up ahead, there was a chance for the Porsche to redeem itself.

Ooh, hello. Tunnel.

There it is. Sport.

No noise at all.

On a 4.7 litre V8, and...

I can't hear anything.

'The Aston put on a better show.'

Not bad.

'But then came the Maserati.'

What I'm going to do now is push the sport button.

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

Oh, my God! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

What this button does is it turns carbon dioxide into noise.

'However, like the other two, I had complaints.'

The sports noise - that's good.

The trouble is they've also fitted it with sports suspension and that's not good.

If you can afford £100,000 to spend on a car,

chances are you're a bit old, and old people don't want to drive along like this.

That's not comfy.

'And there was more.'

I honestly thought James was being stupid, but he isn't.

I can't fathom anything out.

There are buttons I've just found on the back of the steering wheel -

six of them. No idea what they do.

'On the uneventful one-hour cruise to the business park...'

-HE SNIGGERS

-Do I care that I don't know what the buttons do? No.

'..I worked out a way to describe

'the unhinged but bewitching Quattroporte.'

Owning this car is like owning a two-year-old child.

It's really annoying for a lot of the time but if someone tried to take it away from you...

-You'd kill them.

-You'd kill!

'Then, since the park was closed, we decided to turn it into a race track.

'And in the Maserati, Hammond quickly got what I was on about.'

Oh, my word!

This is a four-door saloon car but it sounds utterly magnificent.

It's just got so much style.

I don't care what the flaws are -

I don't care if it picks its nose and farts in bed - I love this thing.

It's got such a sense of fun about it. That is the whole point.

Even if you're trying to keep that lid down.

'Mind you, the Aston wasn't bad either.'

Do you know what this is? I'll tell you exactly what this is.

It is exciting.

There's a subtle, refined rage to this car.

It is not as sharp as a Vantage or DB9 or DBS,

but as a four-door saloon car, it's spectacular.

'Here on the business park raceway,

'even the four-wheel drive Elephant Man is making a case for itself.'

God above! This thing's great.

It feels big, but whoo!

Staggering.

I'm just amazed by this car.

Dynamically, it is as fabulous as it is gopping to look at.

'Frankly, we could have fooled about all day in these cars,

'but we decided to induce a bit of science by laying out a course

'and then summoning the head of accounts.'

-Is he ready?

-Yes, believe so. Of course he is - he's the Stig.

Three, two, one, go.

-They sold 1,000...

-Ssh!

What were you going to say?

I was going to say that they sold 1,000 of those Maseratis over a five-year period

-but over the save same five years, they sold nearly 15,000 Mercedes S Classes.

-He's coming back!

You know the Ferrari F438?

What?!

He got a bit squirrely there.

I've had a crisis!

35.8.

'With the Maserati's time on the board...'

'..the Stig lined up the Aston.'

Three, two, one, and go.

I'm very angry!

But why is it so expensive?

-I think they're charging 140,000 cos they can.

-Yeah.

Ooh! He is brave. Isn't he brave?

OK, the Aston Martin Rapide.

There's your Maserati, 35.81.

Rapide...

-35.25.

-Ooh!

So 50 grand and you go

0.6 of a second faster round Farnborough business park.

-It is an important piece of consumer advice.

-I'd spend an extra 50 grand for that.

Right. It's time now...

for the Porsche.

Three, two, one, go.

Has it gone?

You two haven't given it the full beans yet, have you?

-No.

-It's absolutely astonishing.

-I have to say, I like the look of it now.

-You can't...

No, it's behind that building.

-It's back!

-I've got to look.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right.

The Porsche did it in...

35.1, which is only a tenth of a second faster,

but nevertheless, that thing, I think, is astonishingly fast.

It is. That's all very well, but which would you rather walk out to in the morning?

The Maserati or the Aston that'll make your trousers go all hot,

or the Porsche - they do! - which makes a bit of sick come into your mouth when you see it.

Which would you rather have? That's the thing.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Nobody's watching.

Nobody is actually in there, are they?

You've all come along and you...

The World Cup is on BBC One and ITV. How many people do you think are watching?

We could just talk in a high-pitched squeak. Eek, eek! It's just us.

-Why don't you get naked? Go on.

-LAUGHTER

-Anyway, I have a theory about those cars.

-Oh, God!

-Joy(!)

It's one of my better theories, this is.

If I were a businessman and I were invited to go and do business

on a business park in Hampshire, I'd use Skype.

-Not go, yeah.

-I wouldn't go,

but if I had an Aston, a Maserati or even the Porsche,

-I would drive down there because they make...

-Your day more special?

They make driving more special. For that reason alone,

I like them more than the established BMs and Mercs and Audis.

We haven't finished with them yet - there'll be more testing later,

-sort of, but for now it's the news.

-Yes, it is,

and talking about the Porsche Panamera,

-you would think, would you not, that it's impossible to make that car any uglier.

-Yes.

The ugliest thing in the world. Well, it is.

There's a Swiss company called Mansory and here is their creation.

It actually is uglier, isn't it?

I'm going to be sick.

That is... How much is it?

£133,000, they want for that monstrosity!

I like the interior best of all. Have a look.

It's like the set of a children's television programme.

All it needs is a ball pit down here,

and then they've pretty much got it finished.

Anyone go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed last weekend? Several.

I wasn't able to make it, but I'm told they had a moving motor show there.

The idea was, unlike a normal motor show, where the cars just sit still,

you can jump in and have a go,

which sounds like a great idea, unless you're one of the four people who were run over.

LAUGHTER

Seriously! I've got a picture here. Somebody got in a Honda Civic.

Is there any danger that these Goodwood people might take over the Farnborough Air Show?

"Next seven for a go in the Red Arrows. Come on."

"Welcome to the Goodwood interactive zoo. Now, who wants to do lion taming?" It doesn't work.

The Goodwood Festival of Live Ammunition.

"Are there actual bullets in these guns? Is there a range?!"

"No, just help yourself. That's fantastic!"

Now, I'm going to tell you something very important.

The European Union, which is a big thing in Belgium...

LAUGHTER

It is! They've decided that all car makers

must reach an average target for their whole range of car.

So here's how it works, OK? If BMW sell a V12 limousine,

they must then sell lots of little Diesel 1 Series cars

to keep the average of the CO2 down.

It's averaged across the range of cars?

Now, Bugatti, it's not so bad,

because Bugatti's owned by Volkswagen,

and Volkswagen also makes the Polo, so that's fine.

But Aston Martin - bit of a problem,

cos Aston Martin isn't owned by VW or Ford, it's on its own.

-And they only make big cars.

-Only big, thirsty cars. They've got to get that average down,

so they've had to make a small car, OK? And we have a picture of it here. It's called the Cygnet.

AUDIENCE GROAN This is potentially disastrous,

because it risks ruining their reputation.

What that is is a Toyota iQ with a leather gear knob

and then Toyota crossed out and Aston Martin written in in crayon.

-That's what that is.

-Hang on a minute. If they just need to bring their average CO2 down,

why don't they just buy a bicycle factory?

Or they should do Aston Martin flowers,

cos they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen, and that would bring it crashing down!

I think it has to be a mode of transport - you can't go to work on some flowers. A horse?

-Scissors.

-Have you ever tried sitting on a pair of scissors?

-LAUGHTER

-Not yet.

-A cow.

-Ostriches. They're quite exotic.

-Another one I've just thought of is Zonda. What are Zonda going to do?

-Oh, that'll be easy.

Well, they're Italian, aren't they?

They'll just lie - that's what they'll do.

"Emissions is very important! Is it low or high? Low? OK. My emissions is one!"

And that's it. They'll just lie.

Well, why don't Aston Martin just...

Why not take a leaf out of the European book and say,

"Yes, our cars don't really produce carbon dioxide at all."

If you say... The EU go and inspect a Spanish fishing boat and go, "Have you been fishing?"

-"No."

-"What's all that in your boat?" "My lunch."

"It's a lot of fish. Hungry!"

This is the answer. Don't make that, Aston Martin. Just lie.

Right.

Now, it is time to put a Formula 1 star in our old, reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is a Brazilian.

Not the triangular topiary thing, obviously.

It is a genuine Brazilian. Ladies and gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rubens!

-How're you?

-Nice to see you.

-Rubens is among us.

-Thank you.

Have a seat.

Have a seat!

I've got a question, if I may.

Why has your country given its name to...

How can I put this?

..triangular topiary?

LAUGHTER

I think it's a term used in England,

because in Brazil we call it "Hitlers".

-A what?

-LAUGHTER

It's a little...

-You're saying you'd have a Hitler?

-A Hitler there.

Has anybody here got a Brazilian?

-You have, sir? Er...

-LAUGHTER

-HE MUTTERS

-Anyway...

Obviously, it was Silverstone this afternoon. Well done for winning.

Thank you!

-Nasty crash.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

Should've covered it there. I should explain it is now Wednesday,

and we have no idea...

I'm just thinking - that will be... How many races is it

you will have done by this evening, now?

-297.

-297.

Is that a record now? Have you set the record for the most Grands Prix?

Yeah. When I raced for the first time,

I never thought I would race for such a long period,

but I'm enjoying more than I used to.

-Cos you must now be, what, 78?

-Yeah!

Anyway, you're now driving for one of the great teams, Williams.

Well, I tell you, it's...

Since a very young kid, when I was driving go-karts,

I have interviews when people ask me,

"Which team would you like to drive?", and it was for Williams.

-Why was that?

-I don't know. I just had a great passion for Frank Williams,

and you can see it nowadays -

he is so passionate about everything,

and I'm trying to lead the team to a different area.

They are changing, and I think the future is quite bright.

So, um, Ferrari - just to go there, obviously.

You had that period where you were there with His Schumacherness.

You must have known when you got there

that you were going to be, effectively, the whipping boy.

-I did not.

-Really? You didn't...

That's the funny bit, because people say,

"Shut up, Rubens. You knew you were going to play second in the team."

And when I signed, I made sure to ask,

"Is it everything to him or am I going to have a chance?"

And in my contract it was zero. There was no mentioning

of becoming a second driver there.

So you were very surprised... It was Austria, where you were winning, he was behind you,

and then the call came through... "Would you mind awfully getting out of his way?"

-Was that a big surprise?

-It was almost like that.

People ask me, "Why did he do on the last corner?"

Because in my mind, I was never going to do it.

It was eight laps. You know, it was almost like the lawyer was sitting here

-and people, you know, there was a discussion going on.

-Back at the pit?

-Yeah. And I could only say, "No, I'm not going to do it."

-Did you actually say that?

I said, "I'm not going to do it," until the very final bit

when they were a bit more focused on saying something that I...

Did they say, "We've got one of your pets here. NOW will you move over

-"and let him go by?"

-It was almost like that, yeah.

Anyway, of course, you came down here

-because we have our Formula 1 board here, yes?

-Yes.

And you wanted to see where you'd come in our old reasonably-priced car,

the old Liana, which has been gathering dust somewhere.

-Was it fun?

-It was fun.

-Really?

-Yeah, it was.

Cos you think, you know, I drive this car

with so much power and everything, but it's a different challenge.

I mean, when you step on the brakes, that back end, you know...

-So smoothness is what...

-Keep it quite smooth.

-Well, I think the time has come.

-I hope it was a good one.

Well, shall we find out? Who wants to see the lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-OK, let's play the tape.

It's nice to see the old girl back.

-Now, concentrate.

-Remember that I drive normally on that side.

Well, that's your fault for driving on the wrong side of the road.

That's the Stig's line through there.

All the other F1 drivers come way further out.

Well, he talked me into that. I thought it was...

You see? "Come on, horse."

It's not a horse, but there we are.

What can I say? I'm not going to say, "Oh, that's not very good," am I?

-Very good down to the Hammerhead.

-This is a difficult part.

It is. It normally makes the car understeer there, but you've got it.

How come you can do that and all our guests just can't?

-RUBENS CHUCKLES

-I suppose that's cos they're mostly actors or comedians.

Wave to the camera?

HE GROANS

The gear! The gear just went "grr".

Well, it must be strange for you to actually have to change...

When was the last time you changed gear?

You know what, I started Formula 1 and it was already the automatic.

Yeah. And I bet your road car has... What's your road car?

My road... I have a...

An M5.

Flappy pedal. So you haven't changed gear for...

Ooh! Look at that. Lovely through the second to last.

-And here we are now.

-What's the time? Give me the time!

-APPLAUSE

-There we are - crossed the line.

So we've got the Stig at 1:44.4.

Mansell 1:44.6,

and then Lewis did that with a wet lap at 1:44.7,

-which was fairly remarkable.

-Impressive.

-Then Mark.

He flew around, actually. Just decided not to bother.

So where do you reckon?

I don't know. My heart is beating more than

at the start of the Silverstone GP, I tell you.

This is obviously a more popular show.

-I have the time here.

-OK.

Rubens Barichello...

You did it in...

One minute...

Well, that's really...

-..forty...

-I'm on the page, then.

-You're on the page!

-..four...

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-..point...

-Point?

-..three!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-44.3!

-Wow!

The fastest man ever to go round our track!

Fantastic!

Unbelievable.

-Wow!

-That is fantastic.

I am so proud.

It's fantastic and it's also staggering

that you should have beaten him.

We need to get you out of this building in some careful way now.

-Yeah.

-I can't imagine he's going to be very pleased about this.

Especially cos if we get into a fight, he never takes his helmet off!

There you go. You've finally won something today.

LAUGHTER

You'll take a piece of that. It was good 11 wins.

There we are. That is a truly staggering thing.

I will ask for more money from Frank now.

You can now say, "I am the fastest Formula 1 driver in the world,

"and more than that, I'm faster than the Stig."

-Fantastic.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

There are a couple of new muscle cars out

that we thought were worth a look at.

And clearly the right man for the job is someone who has owned

a Dodge Charger and a Ford Mustang and a banjo.

Yep, it's our resident redneck, the Duke of Hammond.

This is the first of today's offerings.

A muscle car icon, reborn.

The Chevrolet Camaro.

Jeremy has a theory about the Camaro.

He believes that all Camaros are driven by murderers,

and you should never accept a lift in one cos your head'll end up swinging

in the rear-view mirror as an air freshener.

The thing is, there's a bit more to this Camaro than that.

Now if you're under 12, then to you, this car is Bumblebee from the Transformers movies.

In a minute, it's going to stand up and throw an oil tanker at my face.

But back in the '60s, its grandfather was fighting the Cold War.

Not the big scary one with the Russians, but the Detroit Cold War.

In 1964, Ford had launched the most famous muscle car of all, the Mustang.

And two years later, GM struck back.

Camaro! Fiery new creation from Chevrolet!

It was one hell of a battle.

And the Camaro...

Well, it lost, actually.

Quite badly.

In its first full year, Ford sold over half a million Mustangs.

In its first full year with the Camaro,

GM didn't manage even half of that.

The other muscle cars - Mustangs, Chargers - they went on to starring roles in Bullitt.

The Camaro did once have quite a nice role in an episode of Lovejoy.

But this new boy is coming back fighting.

This is the SS version - the most powerful - with a 6.2 litre V8.

And at £40,000, it is a lot of car for the money.

It also looks good

and unlike other muscle cars,

the suspension isn't made from lampposts and logs.

Because underneath the Camaro

is the chassis from one our very favouritest saloon cars, the Vauxhall VXR8.

It's made by the Australians.

Which means there's a lot of multi-link cleverness going on.

So basically, the Americans had to go to the Australians for a bit of sophistication.

That feels more like it!

A good effort all round and on any other day,

the Camaro could claim to be the muscle car of the moment.

However, it must now face this -

a muscle car, not from America...

..the very German Mercedes E63 AMG.

Listen to that!

ENGINE ROARS

It's the AMG dawn chorus.

It might look like a businessman's express,

but when it comes to noise, the Benz it blows the Camaro out of the water.

This thing sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd at a bullfight.

And when you take it beyond 5,000rpm...

Ah-ha!

Although the Mercedes, like the Camaro, has a 6.2 litre V8,

it's faster and more powerful.

0-60, 4.5 seconds.

Top speed, normally limited to 155mph.

Or for £2,230, you can have the limit raised to 186...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

..almost 40 more than the Camaro will do.

There are, however, a couple of chinks in the AMG's armour.

Where the Camaro costs £40,000, this is 72,000.

A muscle car should also be a car for simpletons, like me,

but there are more gizmos in here than Bill Gates's kitchen.

The gearbox, for example, can be operated from here or down here,

and then this dial splits it into four different modes -

comfort, sport, sport plus and so on.

This button adjusts the traction control, lots of settings there.

This button is for the ride, lots of different settings.

And that's a lot to think about if you're the kind of person who goes to work in a vest.

Thankfully, help is at hand.

It's this the fourth button here, the AMG button.

Essentially, it takes all the other settings from all the other buttons and puts them in a thing,

and then when you hit this button, it sets the car up exactly as you want it.

I like mine like this.

With the button in what I call redneck setting,

the AMG can outslide, outturn and outrun any muscle car on the planet.

I'm in a massive German executive saloon.

Going sideways!

The Mercedes may be almost twice the price of the Camaro...

..but, the fact is, it's twice the car.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The thing is...

The thing is I just...

I just love muscle cars as a breed, because I love the idea you take an ordinary, basic car

and then you keep adding more and more and more and more and more power until it's just about unusable,

and then you put it on sale and people buy it.

-And you'd have the Mercedes?

-Nope.

I know I said the Merc is twice the car.

-I'd have the Camaro, it's just got much more soul.

-It's a stupid car!

It's a brilliant car...

OK, things you'll never hear as somebody gets in.

"I'd just like to thank the Nobel Academy and now I'm going home."

Or how about this one? "No, really, let me, Your Majesty."

There's nobody intelligent...

"Bishop Tutu, can I have a go? Thank you, I will."

-It is a car for a type of person, I love it!

-It's a stupid, childish...

I'll tell you what, though, no, one interesting thing.

When this thing goes on sale next year in Britain, it will make the job of the police much easier.

Let's pull these over and go, "Open the boot...whose head's this?"

But nevertheless, we must find out how fast these cars go round our track,

and that of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way,

he doesn't work properly.

And that, just very recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello.

All we know is he's called the Stig.

And they're off,

and what a racket, the E63 drowning out the Chevy.

You can, of course, get the fantastic AMG V8 in many Mercs,

and, personally, I wouldn't have it in this one.

It's just too ugly - and, in this, case slightly brown.

Round the first corner...

There we are, vuvuzelas on all three channels now.

Stig hopefully will get bored in the next week.

The Camaro does have a certain distinctive presence,

which is peace of mind for the murder squad.

Up to the Hammerhead, both getting a little bit sideways,

but only the Camaro fills the Stig

with a sudden urge to murder his postman.

Actually, he did that in 2004.

Follow-through and now, both... Yep, going through there nicely.

And yep, kicking up dust through the tyres.

Two corners remain, let's have a look.

Oh, the Camaro getting it very crossed up.

The Merc is running away now, just Gambon left,

and they are now through that and across the line.

Right, now...I've got the times.

Yes.

These are the times.

So the Mercedes did it in 1:24.9, which puts it there.

That's unbelievable, that's the same as that Supersports Bentley.

It is, yes, and the Camaro did it in...

1:27.9, which is just...keep going down, it's down there.

So it's even slower than the pick-up truck of the car on which it's based?

Yeah, yeah, it is that, yeah, but I'd still have this.

It was probably weighed down by all the body parts in the boot.

Anyway, it's now time to put another star in our reasonably priced car,

though of course this time the brand-new one.

Now, my guest tonight played a character in Harry Potter

who, in olden times, would have been burned at the stake.

Not for being a wizard but because he's ginger.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How are you?

-Yeah, good. Really good.

Rupert!

Have a seat! Brilliant!

Now, first of all, forgive me, why do gingers get so much stick?

Says a man with pubic hair!

Saying that, I didn't get much abuse at school.

People used to call me Luke, actually...for Lucozade.

-Oh, Lucozade.

-Quite a clever nickname.

Is there anyone here who thinks they might be ginger? What about you?

-I'm not natural!

-What, you dyed it ginger?!

LAUGHTER

-That's nice to hear, yeah!

-That is the future right there.

Obviously, we have to talk about Harry Potter, and you're probably fed up to the back teeth with it.

Well, I don't know, it has been my whole life, basically, it's been 11 years.

I've had children who've been growing up in that time,

so I've spent a lot of my time reading them Harry Potter bedtime stories.

What on earth is it about? I mean, really...

Basically, we win in the end so...

-Michael Gambon came here.

-Yeah.

-A bit older than you,

and I did ask him, "Do you understand it?"

And of course he was Dumbledore, and he said, "Well, sort of."

But does he give the impression of knowing what he's doing on the set or...?

The performance is ama... He does get a bit confused sometimes, I think.

One question I had from my children, if you don't mind my asking, is do you fancy Emily Watson in real life?

-Well...

-No, don't do that face. That man just did that, "Mmm..."

But do you actually fancy her in real life?

Well, it's weird, because I actually had to kiss her in this last one,

because our characters kind of get together.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like a brother-sister kind of relationship we've got.

-So you weren't nursing a semi.

-Oh, my God!

I wasn't, I wasn't, no.

So what does the future hold, now that the big ten years of Potter is over?

I don't know, it's weird to come out of something that you've been a part of for...

most of your life.

But I've done other films, kind of in between,

and hopefully I can kind of continue doing that.

One of the things that I was thinking... I've been reading up on you, before you came on,

-is that you could work with cars, because they do seem to be a strong love for you.

-Yeah.

Because what you actually own is...

let's think, a Range Rooney, an ice-cream van and a hovercraft.

Yeah.

Let's start with the Range Rover, shall we? The Wayne Rover.

-Yeah.

-What colour's that?

It's...orange, it's bright orange.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. It's ginger, it's basically a ginger car.

So that works well or...?

I didn't make that connection when I was picking the colour.

I just thought it looked really cool. It's got black wheels, and it does look really cool.

An orange Range Rover in black wheels?

-Yeah!

-Oh, dear, we're fighting a lost cause here with you.

-And then obviously I have to ask, the hovercraft.

-Yeah.

-I am a huge fan of hovercrafts,

-because they are the most fun you can have with an engine, I'm convinced.

-Yeah, definitely.

I was told the first time I ever went on one - and you must have experienced this -

-if you actually see an obstacle, if you can see it, you will hit it.

-Yeah.

At some point between seeing it, and then it could be an hour or so, it doesn't matter what you do...

They're amazing, you've got no control at all.

-Have you ever actually hit anything?

-Oh, yeah! I've hit a few things.

And so are you a good driver?

Well, I like to think so. I used to do a bit of karting when I was younger.

Did you now? So, competitive karting?

Well, yeah, with my brother.

So what did you think of our new reasonably priced car?

I quite liked it. It was better than I thought.

Yeah, because interestingly, and I'm actually not joking,

we've had this from Kia, the makers of a reasonably priced car, to say that they're recalling the Cee'd.

No way!

They've identified that Cee'd models could suffer from insufficient brake force from the master cylinder.

-So what they're actually saying there in long words is the brakes don't work.

-No way!

Did nobody tell you that?

No, I didn't realise...

Nobody from our production team told that that car's been recalled?

No, I didn't realise that. It felt all right.

No, apparently only 468 models have been affected, and we don't know that it's ours yet, it's possible.

-Anyway, you didn't die!

-I didn't die.

-No, you made it, and who here would like to see Rupert's lap?

-Yes!

Let's have a look.

There we go. Look at it!

A symphony in brown.

Come on, mmm!

Looking determined.

Not lost there, no, well done, you remembered to go left, that's important.

-That's looking very neat and tidy.

-Yeah?

Well, neat and tidy is the key, really.

Come on.

No, it won't go any faster, that really is as fast as it goes.

You see, this is the important thing - if you look slow,

chances are you're going not as slowly as you think. Oh, no, a bit of a wobble into the Hammerhead.

Do you stay in the lines?

Yes, even more in the lines. It does understeer, this, did you notice?

-It does, yeah, yeah, I was really shocked by that.

-Oh, you see, you know...

-Fourth...

-Are you a man that prefers oversteer?

I don't really understand oversteer.

Well, this car, when you turn the steering wheel, it sort of pushes on.

Yeah.

Brake...now!

Yes, that was a beautiful line through that, absolutely perfect.

-That's understeer!

-Right.

-You almost turned right over, but there we are, look, across the line!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Come on, youth, where do you think you are on that?

Obviously not the wet ones, but 1:45.9 is Peter Jones, the fastest man.

I don't think I got to the top but...

Well, mmm...

I shall just have a look on here and see if I can see where you came, hang on a minute.

Is this like being back at school?

You got a B minus!

So, Rupert Grint, you did it in...one minute, you'll be relieved to hear... 40...

5.5!

Oh, yes!

He's the fastest! He's the fastest!

-The second time! The second time!

-Wow.

-It's just something in the air today. Because Rubens has gone and bust that one.

-Yes, I saw!

-And now you've bust that one.

-Oh, that's good.

We know that Peter Jones was quick in the old car, the tall Dragon man,

so we thought, "Well, that time will take some beating."

He has, by the way, just committed suicide.

He honestly left the other day saying, "Well, no-one will beat that in a hurry!"

And it's actually taken precisely two weeks for his time to be beaten.

I don't think that's going to get knocked off for a while.

-Wow, I'm impressed with that.

-So thank you so much for coming, thank you for busting it.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Right!

Earlier on, we tested the new Aston Martin Rapide, which we liked, despite the price,

the Porsche Panamera, which we liked, despite the hideous body,

and the Maserati Quattroporte, which we liked, despite...pretty much everything, really.

Now, though, it is time to see how good these are as four-door saloons.

To do that, the producers said we must spend the day as chauffeurs.

Guys? I know all about chauffeuring.

-Go on.

-You've got to wear a hat,

and you have to remember, when you open the back door for a girl to get in, not to look up her skirt.

Right.

On the way, we changed into our suits, and then

we arrived at a hotel to meet the people we'd be chauffeuring.

OK. Where's your suit trousers?

-I've lost them.

-Lost them?

-Honestly, I've searched the house top to bottom.

-So we'll have, what do you reckon, one person each or...?

I think it's probably a conference.

We'll go to different places and it'll be who get to his place first.

-Chauffeur race.

-Exactly, different places, it's who gets there first.

-What?

-It's a wedding.

What's a wedding?

It's a wedding, we're doing a wedding, we're the car service for a wedding.

Mate, you can't do a wedding in jeans.

You can't, actually, that's going too far.

I can mend this.

-A real wedding?

-Yes.

-What, an actual wedding?

Yes. We have to drive to the church, the reception.

We are the drivers for the day to see how big the backs of these cars are.

And I've got to mend my trousers.

-Who is there at a wedding? A bride, a groom...

-Bride, groom, vicar...

Bride's mother, parents, they all have to go.

The Maserati's the biggest.

The bride should go in the Maserati.

-The bride's the most important person at a wedding.

-So put the bride in the...

Put the bride in the Maserati. I should drive her, because I haven't driven the Maserati.

You're welcome, I'm not driving a bride to her wedding, no way!

Listen, everything we ever do is a disaster.

Well, including what you're doing there.

-They'll be black in a minute, trust me. So bride in the Maserati.

-Yeah.

-You drive that.

-Yeah.

Groom is going to want to go in the Aston.

I'll take him in the Aston.

I'll do the bride's mother in the Porsche.

I wouldn't... Oh, I see!

She'll be emotional, and I'm just what she needs on her daughter's wedding day.

Hammond set off to get the groom,

leaving me in a spot of bother with my new trousers.

Oh, no.

My legs have stuck together.

I do apologise for this.

Worse still, chauffeur duties had made James even more pedantic than usual.

Because I want my Maserati here for the bride, I think it's more grand.

-Yes, you go and get your Maserati.

-Can you move out of the way, then?

-Yep.

But hang on, I can't do this until you've gone, otherwise it's in the way.

-What?

-I can't put the Maserati there before you've gone, or they'd have to walk round it. That's not right.

What are you talking about?

-I can't put the Maserati in position until you've left with the bride's mother.

-Why?

Otherwise she'll come out and get in the Maserati...

She won't, because we'll say, "Don't get in the Maserati."

Then she has to walk around it, and it's not right, trust me.

Meanwhile, I'd arrived at the groom's house.

This is it.

But having never chauffeured before, I didn't know whether to get him or wait in the car.

He wants to get ready, take his time.

I'll, erm...

I'll hover here.

You've got half an hour to get there, you've got to be...

-I've got to be late, yes.

-Yes, but a tiny bit late, not your usual late.

No, no, I understand the difference.

Whilst James was still deciding where to put his car, the wedding party emerged.

I was going to back it up and do it properly.

-Do you want to go in and come out while I back it up?

-James, will you concentrate on your job?

-This way, please.

-Don't look up her skirt, don't look up her skirt.

No, no, no! I'm in! Thank you for averting your gaze.

-Come on.

-Where is he?

Oh, you're already in! Sorry!

He's already in.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Oh, good afternoon.

I'm James, I shall be your driver.

This is the Maserati Quattroporte. Not the original model, which had a slightly ropey gearbox.

This is the GTS, much improved, as you shall see.

The key's stuck.

Jeremy, meanwhile, was being his usual charming self.

If I've got whiffy pits, I apologise, but it is from wearing slightly hot trousers.

-Come on, we're late, we're late!

-That's the groom, that's the groom. He is the groom.

-You're Steve?

-Yeah.

-Hi, Steve. Sorry, mate, sorry.

And you're Sam, the best man?

-Hiya.

-Hi, nice to see you.

-Are we not going right to the church?

-Yeah, you...

As we are a bit early, and obviously you don't want to arrive early,

I thought we'd take a slightly longer route, slightly scenic,

so that you can arrive at an appropriate time and also enjoy the car a little bit on the journey.

Unfortunately, the bride's father had never seen Top Gear.

That sounds really good, yeah.

Still, at least James was driving sensibly.

Sport, sport plus.

I WILL get you to the church on time.

As it turned out, my passengers loved fast driving.

Wow!

So a marriage, whoo!

-It's a big 'un.

-It's the big day.

Think what you're taking on, man.

-Life changes today.

-Today.

-Yeah.

-For real.

It's amazing, isn't it, marriage?

You have the big day, the big celebration, it's all exciting,

and then one day it just settles down into the norm,

day to day,

just every day...after day...after day...

You'll never get it to sound like this. It's to do with the crank angle and cylinders.

I never thought I'd be learning about crank angles on the way to my wedding.

Sorry, I think I've taken the wrong exit off that roundabout. Hang on a minute.

I guess we're going to check out the road holding or...

No, no, this isn't a test, I'm just... Because I've done this loop, I'm not absolutely sure...

It must be the next one.

-You're not getting nervous now, are you?

-I am now.

I was feeling pretty relaxed but...

I'll help you with some music.

There you go... Oh, look, it's not as easy as I'd hoped.

We really have to get a move on.

Yeah, but I just want to find out, can I drive the iPod from the stereo?

Oh, this is the most complicated thing I've ever tried to do. Oh, no, that's just impossible.

Hang on, I think I've got it.

# I'm not in love

# So don't forget it

# It's just a silly phase... #

Here we go! Power!

In the back, Jenson and Lewis wanted even more from the Porsche.

-Can't we go somewhere we can go really fast?

-Yeah.

-I have to say...

-Up to the airfield?

-Oh, is there an airfield near here?

Yeah! Pull in there, do a circuit, and then we don't mind being late.

Is she a calm bride?

She's been SO calm.

Because James May can drive somebody to the edge of reason after three minutes.

I'll turn round in the garden centre. Sorry about that.

As the clock struck one, I pulled up at the church.

-I almost lost my dress then!

-We made it, we made it, we made it.

The bride's mother and chief bridesmaid seemed very happy with my chauffeuring skills.

However, in Claire Rayner's car...

# Whoo-hoo, no, baby, please don't go... #

I mean it's like your life, it's for life!

It is for life.

Just stretching out in front of you.

Forever.

Just going on...and on.

Amazingly, though, when Captain Cheerful eventually arrived,

the groom was more bothered about my trousers.

-What are you wearing?!

-I'm fine, nothing to see here.

More worryingly, there was nothing to see in terms of the bride either.

The relations are starting to get angsty.

I can just feel eyes burrowing into the back of my head.

I did look at the map before I started off.

Right, nearly there.

-What hymns have you chosen?

-The King Of Love My Shepherd Is.

Very good.

JAMES SINGS THE TUNE

CHURCH BELLS RING

Half one, half an hour late now for the wedding.

-Look, there it is.

-Hmm?

The church was that way.

-Are you sure it was that way?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Completely, 100% sure.

We're now into something to two o'clock. We're now nearer two o'clock...

We're nearer the next hour than the one when they were supposed to be getting married.

This would have been your last car journey before you became a married woman, I hope it was a good one.

That man, he is the most colossal...

-Where have you been?

-We took a slightly scenic route.

The wedding party hurried into the church.

-Explain yourself.

-What?

-How come you've arrived 35 minutes late?

-It's fashionable for the bride...

Yeah, you've obviously made an impression, because they're all leaving.

They're really happy to have had you driving, look at their cheery faces as they walk off dabbing their eyes.

Did they like the Maserati?

-Loved it!

-Did they?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Did you love it?

-I love it, top five cars.

-What do we do now?

-Now we wait for them.

-That's boring.

Actually, no, I tell you what. The bride's mother told me on the way over there's an airfield near here.

-So?

-Well, is this a Catholic wedding or...?

They'll be doing Dear Lord and Father of...

-Drag race.

-Bagsie go in this.

-Drag race.

-Drag race.

So as the congregation began its first hymn...

ENGINES ROAR

..we headed off to the airfield and set up our drag race.

I'm sure most wedding car drivers do this.

I wonder if they've done the exhortations yet.

Go!

Yes!

Look at this go!

80, level-pegging with the Ast... Oh, no, I'm not.

Maserati sitting in my door mirror here like an oil painting.

Come on, come on!

Even with James at the wheel, that Porsche easily won.

Since the race was over so quickly, I decided there was time for another game.

I bet I can do a longer powerslide in that than you two can in these.

Good game?

Come on, it's a beautiful day, we've got crash helmets on.

The back's coming out nicely, and now bin it there!

Too much grip.

Our new game was excellent fun!

BELLS RING

TYRES SQUEAL

That's a good one! What do you think of that, Hammond?

And another championship-winning entry from Hammond in the Maserati. Yeah.

Oh, yeah! Feeling sick but looking good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know... I know a lot of you will have been looking at that and thinking it was all a set-up,

they were actors.

Well, it really wasn't, they really were a couple,

they really did get married that day, and they really are here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve and Ellie!

APPLAUSE

-Congratulations!

-Sorry! Really sorry.

Sorry we weren't there when you came out.

Sorry about my mood on the day, it was inappropriate, as it turned out. We're sorry.

By way of an apology and as a token of our appreciation, we've brought

you this memento so you can remember the day every time you have a dump.

LAUGHTER Congratulations!

Congratulations. Thank you.

Excellent, excellent.

-We clubbed together to buy that, just so you know.

-Ourselves.

-Your eternal happiness.

Anyway, it is now time for us to decide which of these cars is best.

Quite easy for me, the Maserati is idiotic, OK?

After five minutes it would drive you mad, and after five weeks it would fall to pieces.

-But for me, by a country mile, it's the one I'd have.

-Me too.

Yeah, and me, by a long, long way.

Yeah, so there we are, we all agree on something.

The worst car is the best.

And on both those bombshell, it's now time to end.

Thank you for watching. Not that you were, because you were watching the football, but there we are.

See you next week, though. Take care, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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