Episode 5 Top Gear

Tonight, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably priced car.

I repeat, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably priced car.

-Sorry, Stig, totally

-BLEEP

-it up!

And she's brought Tom Cruise along!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome!

That is later.

That is later.

But now...

we start once again with a letter.

It's from some Swedish youths and it says, "Dear Top Gear,

"we are some Swedish youths,

"and we've been given the run of a whole ski resort

"for a weekend.

"Do you a race fancy having?"

Plainly this was a job for Richard Herring.

This is Riksgransen,

the world's northernmost ski resort.

120 miles INSIDE the Arctic Circle.

It's so far north that the ski season doesn't finish here until June,

when the rest of us are on the beach.

I'm here to defend the honour of the car against some extreme snowmobilers

who are so extreme they're...still in bed.

Still, meanwhile, let's meet the car I've chosen to take them on with.

It's the Volkswagen Touareg.

A big off-roader that for many years we've...absolutely hated.

We tested it when it first came out, seven years ago.

And we didn't like a lot of things about it.

The ride, the gearbox, the fact you couldn't see out of the back.

We didn't like the ridiculous thirst,

and we didn't like that some of the design felt like

they'd done the most un-German thing possible.

A half-arsed job.

But this is the brand new Touareg.

And already I can report many improvements.

You can, for instance, see out of the back.

The ride is much smoother.

The gearbox, the old one changed according to a geological timescale.

This new eight-speed affair

is a big improvement.

The Touareg also looks more Golf-like than the old one.

And besides the full off-road hardware,

standard kit includes sat-nav, electric leather seats,

climate control, and a ten-speaker stereo system.

But we've come here to race

so none of that is important right now.

What is important is that the new Touareg

weighs 200kg less than the old one.

Which makes it altogether more sprightly.

This is a 3.5 litre V6 turbo diesel.

Cost, £37,000,

0 to 60 in 7.8 seconds,

so it's faster than the old one.

Top speed, 136mph.

So you're better off there, too.

All in all, I think this is the machine to take the snowmobilers on

in our big race.

Which, as they're still in bed playing computer games,

will happen tomorrow.

So, race day.

And I'll confess, I went to bed last night

full of confidence.

And then, in the middle of the night, I sort of got cold feet about it.

So I got up, got dressed, came downstairs, and I made...this.

It's still a Touareg.

But one built to take on the infamous Dakar.

The toughest rally in the world.

With a carbon fibre body, bionic suspension,

and a twin-turbo, 300 horsepower, diesel engine,

it can do 130mph over just about any terrain.

It's also the first diesel ever to win the Dakar.

Which is odd, given that I built it only last night.

But no matter, I think this is probably the better tool

to see off those snowmobilers,

who have finally emerged.

They are Daniel Bodin and Dan Lang.

Local snowmobile legends

whose racing skills have won them silver medals at the X-Games.

Best let them get it out of their system.

'Eventually the teenagers calm down long enough

'for me to explain the race route

'across the ski resort.'

Right, we're going to start from here.

Then we're going to move around here, sweep around there,

down there, then eventually we'll finish

with a sprint across the ice lake,

end up, finish line, at the ski shop.

So, that's 12 gruelling miles down ski slopes,

through forests, and across frozen water.

Yeah? Happy?

-Yeah.

-Fine with that.

-OK. Good.

Um...where is here, exactly?

It's up there.

Oooh. Yeah!

ENGINES REV

All right. Fair enough.

Ooh, erm, I guess, 3...2...1...go?

Right, come on.

0 to 60 in this, about six seconds.

This thing has more torque than a Lamborghini Gallardo.

Have they got that? No!

'We plunged out of the clouds neck and neck.'

I have taken the precaution of fitting it with studded snow tyres.

Obviously I did that.

Come on! Find grip!

Blimey! Where have they...?

'The snowmobilers promptly vanished

'because whilst I had to stick to the ski runs,

'they didn't.'

Come on, you've crossed the desert, you can do this.

'As it turned out, the Dakar was as fast on snow

'as it would be on sand.'

Oh, yes! That worked!

I thank you!

'So when I hit the lower slopes,

'we were still neck and neck.'

'I then decided to take a short cut.

'Which went well.'

Oh! Oh!

This is going to cost me time!

Move, move, move!

'Despite my cock-up, I was just ahead as we entered the forest stage.'

Yee-hah-hah!

Keep up with that, then, boys!

'But the teenagers were able to whizz off between the trees.'

Come on! Where the hell are they?

'Which meant they had the lead as we reached the final part of the race...

'..a six-mile dash across the frozen lake.'

Ooh, tree.

Come on, come on!

Yes, finally!

I've got the top speed of best part of 130mph.

This is where I have the advantage.

'But up ahead, the snowmobilers could still hit 90mph.

'So I'd have to give it everything to close the gap.'

This is where the race is won or lost.

This thing's got some grip!

I'm just floating over this stuff.

'With less than four miles to go

'the snowmobilers were still ahead.'

Where are they?!

'But then, joy of joys, the snow on the ice started to thin out.'

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Their machines will have problems on this

because the belts themselves overheat

running on straight ice, so they can't give it everything.

'And sure enough, they started slowing down.'

I'm going to catch them!

That's them! That's them! Oh, yes!

Oh, yes! What do you think of that? Yee-hah-hah-hah!

'The snow on the lake thickened again,

'and the snowmobilers were back in the game.

'But now the Touareg had the edge.'

That, I think, is the finish line. That's it!

This thing has conquered sand and desert,

now it's conquered snow, mountains and frozen lakes.

I'm going to win!

Yes! Yes!

Ha-ha!

I did it! It's won through!

What a machine!

You've got to be...!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I could've done that. I could've done that.

What?!

Did you...did you win that?

Yes. Yes, I did. I'll admit they did finish with a bit more of a...

flourish thing, there,

but I won.

I'm not really interested in whether you won or not,

I'm interested in that bit where they said that their tracks,

on their snowmobiles, got hot,

cos they were running on ice.

-Yes.

-And they told you that?

-Yeah, it's the friction.

Ice generates a lot of friction,

so they heat up.

If you slide over ice in your clothes,

they'll actually burn off you.

Do they also tell you things like, Jimi Hendrix was in Abba?

-No! It's...

-Did they say that a Volvo 244

holds the lap record at the Nurburgring?

No, stop, it's true, and you know full well it is. Let's do the news.

No. What I'm going to do is put a piece of ice down the front

of your trousers, to see if it sets fire to your gentleman's sausage.

No! I'm not saying ice is hot, just it can create a lot of friction!

This is science, and you don't understand that.

-So leave it, it's true. OK?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Anyway, let's do the news.

Oh, now, hey. This is an important piece of news.

A lot of people imagine the most dangerous time of year to drive

is...November, or perhaps February,

dark nights, fog, ice.

But we were talking about this and we think THE most dangerous time

to drive a car, is roundabout now.

Sunny skies, light breezes, girls wearing short skirts.

Dangerous. Very dangerous.

-Cos the thing is, you can't not look.

-No. You actually can't.

-You can't physically not look.

-You have no choice.

There are other things you can choose not to do.

It's easy not to use your mobile while driving, easy not to drive after 18 pints of lager,

but you're driving along and, "There's a girl, mustn't look...

"I'm looking, I'm looking, I've crashed, I'm still looking!"

Do you have any idea what we're on about?

I drove through Soho the other night, honestly,

you know Linda Blair in the Exorcist? My head was just...

-spinning around!

-180 degrees!

-Crashing into lampposts,

letter boxes, and other cars!

It's impossible not to!

The thing is, we know that Germaine Greer

is actually an avid viewer of Top Gear, and...

-Is she?

-No, she really is.

-In your mind.

No, she is!

Anyway, she will be annoyed about this but the fact is,

what we're trying to say is we can't help it, it's natural,

I mean, in the last three days I've nearly had two quite serious accidents...

-Even James May is susceptible to it!

-Even me!

-That's proof!

-Yeah, but it was road workers he was looking at!

-Ha-ha!

Actually, do you not think there is here a case for the burka?

-Aaah.

-Because the problem goes away...

-The burka? No. No, honestly.

The burka doesn't work.

Cos I was in a cab in Piccadilly the other day, OK?

A woman in a full burka crossing the road in front of the cab,

-tripped over the pavement, went head over heels...

-Base over apex.

-Yeah.

And up it came, red G-string, stockings...

Mate, that did NOT happen!

I promise! I promise!

-No!

-It did!

-Did you see this incident on DVD or pay per view?

The taxi driver will back me up on that. He will.

He was in the cinema with you?

-That never happened.

-It did!

-Never happened.

Next week, Jeremy visits a hospital, and a nurse's top falls off.

In Jeremy's mind.

Now, normally, OK, normally I wouldn't bring this up.

But Citroen UK has appointed a new sales director, OK?

And his name is Charles Peugeot.

No, it isn't!

I have photographic proof, from Citroen,

-"Charles Peugeot".

-It is! What were they thinking?!

What's his e-mail address going to be, charles.peugeot@citroen?

So stupid!

Hang on, hang on, what if there are lots of people

called Charles Peugeot working at Citroen?

So he ends up being charles...

..charles.peugeot405.

Sorry, it wasn't worth it.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Hey, now, as we know, there's a lot of chat around at the moment

about cars that can run on biofuels or on electricity or on hydrogen.

But we wondering, "I wonder if it would be possible to make a car that ran on cheese and onion crisps?"

LAUGHTER

Corn beef salad.

And do you know what? We found a Porsche, or rather, Hammond has,

that can.

This is it. And the first thing you'll notice is it's covered

in this space-age foil stuff.

Back here, there's this massive wing, all very traditional Porsche,

but, under here, nothing.

Because this is the first mid-engine 911.

And what an engine it is.

So right now it's running on Frosties

and one of those chocolatey croissant things

and a cup of coffee. But it could equally run on

fish and chips I had last night or a big bag of Quavers.

Really anything that the driver can eat.

OK, first corner coming up.

The good thing about this, of course,

plenty of time to be precise about your lines.

CHEERING

It's amazing!

It's absolutely superb.

Fabulous.

-It is a completely convincing 911, really, isn't it?

-It is. It was made in Austria -

sadly, it is a one-off. It lives in a museum now.

But it's fabulous and I did do a whole lap in it.

-What was your time?

-Well, I did it in...

18 minutes...and 37 seconds! Yeah! LAUGHTER

CHEERING

It's down here. It's down here.

But I'm proud.

Well done.

Thank you.

Since we're on the subject of the lap board,

we thought we would take a moment to share some happy memories of an old friend.

If you look back at all the amazing things we've done with the Bugatti Veyron...

HE LAUGHS

..you could be forgiven for thinking it's the fastest car on the planet.

The fact is, though, it isn't, you see,

because this car will do 253 miles per hour,

but there's now a car in America called the Shelby Ultimate Aero...

..that will do 256 miles per hour. So that, officially,

is the world's fastest production car, not this old knocker.

The Germans are not pleased.

So, behind closed doors, in the Bugatti skunk works,

they've created this...

It's called the Super Sport.

It's the Veyron's last hurrah and it's been built with just one purpose...

To be the undisputed fastest production car ever made.

On this car, the 0-60 time is the same as it is on the standard Bugatti Veyron -

2.5 seconds. But after that, all is utterly changed.

0-100 miles per hour now takes just 4.5 seconds,

which is the same as the 0-60 time of a Porsche 911 GT3.

And this will go on to an alleged top speed of 258 miles per hour.

Naturally, that means the Super Sport has more power.

The standard Veyron famously has 1,000 horsepower.

The Super Sport's version has 1,200 horsepower.

So why, you might wonder, does it need the power of a Golf GTI

added to it, just to do another 5mph?

Well, the reasons are quite complicated

and I've been barred by the producer from explaining them properly.

So here instead is the primary school explanation.

Well, the issue is the air, which has genuine substance once you're trying to move through it.

The faster you go, the thicker the air effectively becomes.

At 100mph, it's like aerosol whipped cream,

but at 200mph, it's more like a very thick treacle.

And at 250mph, it's like...

trying to drive through a fruitcake.

And cutting through the fruitcake requires more than just brute force,

which is why this Veyron has a new super slippery body.

And a new super high price.

Up from £1 million to £1.6 million.

Anyway, big, fast Shelby American car thingy,

your gauntlet has now been picked up by the one they call de langsamer -

the Slow One. Captain Slow, to you.

The setting for this judgment day run is Volkswagen's top-secret test track...

at Ehra-Lessien - a massive complex

built in a former Cold War no-fly zone near the old East German border.

At its heart is this 13-mile oval-shaped track,

which includes this 5.5-mile arrow-straight straight.

It's one of very few places on earth where you can actually max a Bugatti Veyron.

Nothing was left to chance by the Bugatti boffins.

We even had to wait until the middle of the day

when the air was at its thinnest before I was finally given the all-clear to run.

There's one thing making me slightly apprehensive.

I said, "How long do the tyres last at 258 miles per hour?"

And they said, "Well, we know how long they last at 248mph - it's 37 miles."

I said, "Yeah, but what about 258 miles per hour?"

What they actually said to me was, "Ask an admiral how deep his submarines can really go.

"He doesn't know until they try it."

As I ventured onto the track, I was quite glad that they aren't ordinary tyres,

but ones that cost £20,000 a set.

I do feel a nervousness about that extra 5mph.

It takes me beyond the known borders of car performance.

I'm hanging my ass over the ragged edge like Chuck Yeager.

Anyway, concentrate.

'The super-accurate speedo read in kilometres

'so the magic number we'd be looking for is 414km per hour.'

If I reach maximum speed, I'll be drinking fuel at the rate of 1.7 gallons a minute.

The radiators will be sucking through four tonnes of air an hour.

Just before the 5.5-mile straight is some steep banking,

which I'd have to enter at exactly 125mph.

Then I have to change down as I pass a series of bollards,

ready to give it the beans as I come out the other end.

Here we go. Here's the banking.

Here comes the first bollard.

Change down one.

Here's a bollard. Change down two.

Here's a bollard. Change down three times.

Godspeed, Captain Slow!

Whoa!

Bloody hell, look at the speed of that!

Doing 258...260.. I'm going faster than I can speak! 300!

320!

That is amazing! It's so stable. I'm already up to 340.

Bloody Nora!

It's unbelievable! Look how fast everything's going past!

There's 400.

'In Queen's English, that's 248mph.'

Come on, come on, come on!

I'm past my old record.

'Now we were into the unknown.'

Slightly twitchy.

Come on! Come on!

Yes! I think I may have whipped your ass.

Whoo-hoo!

'And the speedo kept climbing.'

417!

HE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS

Whoo-hoo!

Bloody hell, that was exciting.

CHEERING

Hang on. No, no, wait!

No!

I'm sorry...

Are you seriously suggesting that now we open the Guinness Book of World Records

and it says, "Fastest man on Earth - James May?"

-LAUGHTER

-Not exactly.

-What do you mean, not exactly?

-Well, after I'd done my run,

Bugatti sent a test driver out, because they thought he'd like a crack at it,

and this is what happened.

So there he goes.

He's got to do a run in each direction and take an average.

There's my old record already gone.

As we can see, the speedo is still climbing.

There's him celebrating.

I added my congratulations soon afterwards.

Damn him!

-So he obviously did it both ways, which you have to do.

-Yup.

-What was his average, then?

-431km per hour.

-What's that in Church of England?

-267...

AUDIENCE: Oooh.

-In a car with windscreen wipers?

-And a CD player!

In a road car? That's staggering.

We ought to find out, really, how fast this goes round the track.

Anybody want to see that?

ALL: Yes!

OK, that, of course, means handing over to our racing driver.

Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon.

LAUGHTER

And that he spent all week pushing an effigy

of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan.

LAUGHTER

What we know is, he's called the Stig!

And he's off and just look how fast that thing fires off the line -

smoking all four tyres.

OK, first corner. Simply flies into those, almost cartoonishly fast.

Just sensational.

MUSIC: "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees

And in the midst of this ferocious speed

still has a stereo to listen to.

Takes it gently round Chicago, now popping off the limiter,

Hammerhead, air brake goes vertical generating 0.7G of braking -

same as the actual brakes of a Fiesta.

50 kilos lighter than the original Veyron but still a heavy car.

# Staying alive, staying alive... #

Your brain honestly can barely take in how fast this thing is.

What's really weird is it hardly makes any noise. Listen!

Just staggering. Two corners to go.

Here we go. Using all the grip of those 20 grand tyres.

This is the Stig on maximum attack and there he is, across the line!

CHEERING

So...

Here's the old Veyron 1.18.3.

-We're expecting this to be a little bit faster.

-Yup.

But is it fast enough...? Well, look at these.

These are the ones - 17s. The Gumpert, the Ascari and so on.

Well, this one, the Super Sport, did it in 1...

..16.8.

ALL: Oh!

Fastest car ever...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..ever...to go round our track.

Now it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

We had a bit of a problem, if we're honest,

because we had Jedward booked.

LAUGHTER

At the last minute, they pulled out. So we rang Cameron Diaz...

LAUGHTER

We did. We said, "Would you mind awfully coming on the show?" She said, "Sure. Love to.

"But only if I can bring Tom Cruise."

LAUGHTER

So, ladies and gentlemen, here on this...

-pokey motoring show on BBC Two...

-LAUGHTER

..Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise!

CHEERING

-How are you?

-Fine, yourself?

-How are you?

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Do have a seat.

-Thank you.

-That's a bit of a reaction!

-I know! It was a lot of fun.

Can I just say, what staggers me is, sitting here,

it's almost like I've been joined by the genetic blueprint for the human race with these two.

-What do you think?

-LAUGHTER

In evolution, we'll reach a point where they look like this.

Cos how do you know...? You embark on acting when you're in your late teens.

How do you know that later on in life

you aren't going to become, well...

For instance, Tom, why don't you have ear hair?

Next time I come on the show I'll be like this.

-And then it'll go at the back...

-Curling it and trimming it.

Cos it's not like either of you have taken care of yourself.

-You've broken every bone in your body over the years.

-I've broken my nose a couple of times

and fingers and my leg and toes, ribs.

And you do your own stunts.

-You are proud of the fact that you do a lot of jumping up and down and falling off things.

-Yeah,

I do most of them.

-Do they hurt?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Yes, some of them REALLY hurt.

And you would have thought you would have looked in a mirror and thought,

"I'm quite good looking, I'd better take care of this."

-How many times have you broken your nose?

-Well, it started very early, I was 11.

I broke my nose four times since I was 11.

-Four?

-Yes.

-Four times.

-Four times.

BLEEP finds my face.

-It just does.

-Can you say that on television here?

OK.

Now, the new movie, Knight And Day,

my kind of film, I have to say.

Everything explodes, lots of close-ups of Cameron,

and you're funny.

-Is this comedy, is this a new... Obviously not for you.

-She was so funny.

I've done a few comedies.

-You had the gentleman juice in your hair.

-Yes, I did.

One of the great comedy moments of our time.

It didn't take very long for it to get there either.

-It just was a very quick...

-LAUGHTER

-What I meant was...

-No...

This is why I love Cameron, I have to tell you. It's so much fun working with her.

-Yeah.

-No, but I love comedy.

-The comedy stuff...

I started with Risky Business and I've always had comedic elements in different characters.

I've had some intense films over the years and I really want to do some comedy now.

You're great in it.

In the movie, you restore muscle cars for a living.

-This is pornography.

-What?

What is it you have to check in at the airport?

Triple Deuce. A carburettor. A Triple Deuce carburettor.

-Do you find this as well? When girls start talking about...

-About cars and engines.

Ohhhhhh....!

Could you say a six-barrel carburettor for a '66 Vette?

A six-barrel carburettor for a '66 Vette.

I'm actually having a crisis.

Do you put a lot of effort into choosing the cars you use in movies?

For example, in this movie, was there a lot of effort went into the cars that were used?

It's fun. We all sit around and talk about which cars

and motorcycles. We look at the train and we line up a bunch of bikes

and we look at the stunts that we're going to develop, if there's going to be a lot of jumps.

-We did that with the Ducati on this one.

-You were on cobbled streets...

We needed a lighter motorcycle, we needed something I could pull Cameron around.

That's a stunt I've been wanting to do for many, many years.

LAUGHTER

-Have Cameron, you know...

-It's not just you in this,

-you were doing your own stunts as well.

-Yes.

There's this great scene where the GTO, the daddy of muscle cars,

-and you're flicking it around all over the place.

-It's a lot of fun.

One of the things was, you often see actors coming on, saying, "Yeah, I did my own stunts",

-so I thought it would be a good idea to say, "Come on, Cameron, take me out on the track."

-Yeah.

-Anybody want to see...

-I do.

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-Let's have a look at this.

This is just about as good as life gets, really.

-It's going.

-You've got it.

CHEERING

Thank you, Jeremy.

See? You see?

All you've got to do is go like this and "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Yeah.

-How much fun is that?

-I was vomiting.

What cars do you drive to the shops in? What are your everyday cars?

Right now, I mostly...I drive a lot of motorcycles right now.

-Bikes?

-Recently, a lot of motorcycles.

-He does.

So what have you got? Let's run through them.

I have a '34 Indian. 1934, that my wife bought me

that used to belong to Steve McQueen. There you go.

-That's actually it, is it?

-Yep.

-That was Steve McQueen's old Indian?

-Yeah.

-What I'm interested in,

-this Virus, it looks the most incredible bike I've ever seen.

-It is incredible.

-That bike is beautiful.

-Where's it made?

-Italy.

-And you have to be measured for this, do you?

-Yes.

They do your measurements and build it to your specifications,

my height and weight and how I like to ride.

So it's a tailored bike.

Yeah, that's a tailored bike.

-Do you like bikes, Cameron?

-No, I don't. I ride on the back of them very well.

-It's a good way of dealing with the paparazzi if you've got...

-The helmet on.

-I wear a helmet when I drive my Prius(!)

-You've got a Prius?!

-I love the Prius(!)

-LAUGHTER

-So what cars...

-I thought it was your favourite car.

-It IS my favourite car.

Is that what you drive in and out of town? We expect it.

I'm married to my Prius.

Love it. (SHHHH!)

I discovered you had a Mustang Celine, the tuned Mustang.

The other Mustang that I'm interested in of yours is your P-51,

which is a WWII fighter rather than a car.

I just love...I grew up and we travelled a lot

and every time we travelled I had a picture of a Spitfire and a P-51.

As a little boy I'd fall asleep looking at the pictures of airplanes on my wall

and I always wanted to fly it.

Years later I got my licence and started flying aerobatics

just to train on taildraggers so that one day I could fly a P-51.

-Have you ever been in those fast jets that you flew in Top Gun?

-Yes. You flew in the F-...

-15, yeah.

-I flew in the F-14.

-The Navy one.

-I flew also in the F-16 in Korea.

-Can I just ask...

This is really embarrassing, because it's Tom Cruise...did you puke?

Yes, I did.

I had three flights in one day.

Actually, when you see the film, some of the shots are in the airplane

and we were doing heavy air combat manoeuvres. My pilot's name was Bozo

and I had the bag right there, so I leaned down to fill the bag

and as I leaned down, he pulled up, went right up.

My head was on the floor and I'm trying to hit the mic and I'm going

"Mother! Mother!" My head is banging on the floor,

pulling up...

I finally came up and I said, "What are you doing?"

He says, "Well they don't call me Bozo for nothing."

Anyway, obviously, you came here

-to see how fast you could drive our reasonably priced car around our track.

-Absolutely.

You're 33 films, you're 30, I think this is the peak of your career now.

I'm thinking of maybe Cameron's lap first of all.

-Yeah? Ladies first? Good idea?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

OK, let's have a look.

So we're off, and that's a good start.

That's a good look.

Here we go.

How do you manage to suit a helmet?

-Nobody looks good in a helmet.

-She looks good in a helmet.

That's perfect.

Ugh, that's fifth.

These BLEEP English gears.

They're Korean, actually. To be honest, they're Korean gears.

Sorry, Stig, totally BLEEP it up.

-He's never heard that word.

-No?

-He doesn't know it exists.

Now, did you keep it in the lines?

Poetry, in essence.

BLEEP me!

Corner.

BLEEP

BLEEP

Some of this is broadcastable.

Was that flat out through there?

-Are you flat out? You didn't lift off?

-It's flat out.

Flat out, and then that's a beautiful line through there.

The traditional cee'd understeer and there we are, across the line.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?

-Tell me, tell me, what is my time?

-I think we'll look at Tom's lap first, shall we?

-Who wants to see Tom's lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

TYRES SQUEAL

Nice start.

And coming up now to the first corner.

That's a serious looking face.

-I'm going, "Is this third gear?"

-That's what I kept doing.

That's quite an interesting line through there.

The Formula 1 drivers come out really wide but Stig thinks that's right.

See if I can get this to turn right.

Let's have a look. Ooh, that's...

That's a lesson in how to do it.

Now Hammerhead. This is the hardest corner of the lot.

Did you stay in the lines like Cameron did?

No. You see, Cameron, you can grin there.

Now, we're flat out here all the way to the end.

Nice gearbox(!)

Flat through there.

Yeah, and flat through the next bit.

-That's so much fun.

-It is good.

-This one's really fun too.

And then...

-This is awesome.

-You got it right that time.

We could have killed you!

CHEERING

What if we'd actually killed you?

I felt the wind come underneath. I was feathering like a kite.

"I'm on two wheels!"

-Thank God you managed to get it back on all four wheels again.

-It was great fun.

So what do we think? Fastest man's a wizard, Rupert Grint at 1:45.5

Slowest in the dry laps is Nick Robinson, Political Editor for the BBC.

He did it it 1:49.9. So, Cameron, ladies first.

This is the piece of paper with the times on it.

-Good luck.

-Thanks, buddy.

Cameron Diaz, you did it in one...

forty...

five...

-two.

-CHEERING

Wow!

Yes!

Well done, you.

Yes!

Now, that's a magnanimous face but, let's be honest, you're quietly crapping yourself.

Oh, my God. 1:45.2, I doubt.

Oh, just give it over.

-Give it over!

-Give it to him!

-Even Tom Cruise leans forward.

"I'm not interested. I'm not interested."

Tom Cruise, you did it in one...

-forty...

-OK.

SHE WHISPERS

-..four.

-AUDIENCE WHOOPS

CHEERING

You Americans.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

When I was on two wheels, I thought, "I don't know what's going to happen."

Two wheels is obviously the fastest way...

You are a man who likes racing, but that's quick.

When the two wheels were going through...

I'm not going to come off and they said, "This is it."

So I was thinking, "If I go through on the side,

does the time still count?"

LAUGHTER

It was... That was a breathtaking thing.

-My whole day has just been... It's been just...

-Wow.

Such an honour to meet you, Tom.

-This was the best day.

-Cameron, thank you very much for making me sick.

-What's that?

-Thank you for making me feel sick.

-Oh, you are so welcome(!)

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you all.

-Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you so much.

-That was so much fun.